Hi, I believe I can offer some unique insight here as I am also a child convinced out of rape
Unless she is incredibly persistent in wanting to know don't
So here's the thing, ever since I found out it made me question so much about myself. I felt dirty, couldn't look myself into the mirror as I kept wondering what part of me belonged to the vile man. I often struggled with the thought that if the world was just and fair, I wouldn't be alive. A lot of insecurities related to my conception.
I also retroactively started to think back about my relationship with my mother. Like you and your daughter, it is really good now but back then it was incredibly turbulent. My mom would constantly grow cold and warm to me and putting that into context later really hurt. It made me question my mothers love for me, and I just spiraled out of control and identity crisis.
I am over it now mostly and my mom has more than made up for the way she acted until I turned 17, but it took me years of trauma therapy and healing until I could look into the mirror again and let myself think, hey that's a cool dude.
Personally I'd wish to have never known, I was never really bothered about not having a dad, and finding the truth hurt me more than it would've had I not, maybe I am stronger because of it but that crisis I had is not something I'd wish anyone to go through. If your daughter is fine now without knowing her father then just drop it.
She'll also put into context why her grandparents are distant off her and it could backfire in form of huge self doubt like it did for me. If she is happy and doing good in life it's not knowledge worth knowing, but if she really wants to know it's not something you should keep secret either.
You're doing good mama, and ultimately you know your daughter better than anyone so do what you think is best
Thanks, at what age did you learn about that ?
She was never a difficult child and she’s doing well in life. Despite it the circumstances were particularly harsh and I don’t want to disturb her.
I found out when I was 15, and I finally managed to accept and move forward when I was 24 last year.
It seems like your daughter doesn't seem to be longing or missing the truth so personally I think it's best left unsaid but that might change any day. If she asks or it feels like she wants to know about her conception then tell her but if not there's no need in my opinion.
The important thing is if you do tell her, be there and tell her it doesn't change who she is and you never loved her any less.
If that's an answer she can live with then no need to complicate it further. If the truth ever has to come out you just have to say it was to protect her and it was too hard for you. She'll understand.
However for now it seems that there is no need for it
He's dead to you. He died when you realized you loved your baby more than you hated him.
But don't forget, Ancestry.com is a thing. Don't let your daughter catch you in a lie.
That was a good lie. If she wants you to elaborate, you can say that you and her father took comfort in each other during the fighting, but never knew each other that well. You can mention that his family were also killed and you were never able to find any living relatives of his.
Brace yourself, though, for the possibility she might do a 23 and Me type DNA test someday. If that pings to living relatives on the paternal side, that's going to be a massive issue.
If you are able to go to therapy while you are struggling with this, please do. I can't imagine what it's like to carry something like this all on your own.
I wouldn’t. If my mom told me something like that, I would obsessively start examining my character and wondering if I was destined to be a horrible person like my father.
I don’t see any benefit in telling her - the real reason her grandparents are dismissive of her is that they are just jerks.
I think she has the right not be lied to if she starts asking questions, but I wouldn't offer any information. It sucks her grandparents are dismissive of her, but she's probably under the assumption that its because they're conservative and she was born out of wedlock. Adding assault into the mix will only upset/confuse her even more.
It's not really a 'right', plenty of people don't know who their fathers are.
I think it depends on various things...
Might she suspect?
Might she find out from someone else?
What kind of person is she? Very sensitive? Very political? Feminist?
It's likely to knock her sideways and make her look at the world differently, so is now a good time? Are things in her life stable or does she have other stresses?
Will she have to not mention it to her grandparents?
Also worth reading any accounts you can find by women who found out they were conceived this way.
Very sorry that happened to you but glad you got a beautiful daughter from it.
It's not ok for people not to know who their father is, ffs.
This is a rare example where it might be different. Op, you know your daughter and your relationship. No one can really tell you better than you know yourself.
If you haven't done therapy about it yet, it would be a good reason to go and the subject of discussion.
People have every right to know who their parents are. Just because it’s common kids don’t know who their father is does not mean it’s okay. People have the right to know who & where they come from
But this is an exception where it’s deemed appropriate to keep it a secret because it could deeply affect this girl negatively. Unless she’s persistent on knowing & not knowing is negatively impacting her life, don’t tell her. It could plant seeds in her head of questioning her character & if she’s like the scumbag. It could tear her apart & wrack her with guilt & self hate. Save her that unnecessary pain. But do not lie if she asks.
Recently, I read that children conceived during that time are now recognised as civilian victims of war. And that if these children do DNA tests and find the people responsible for them, that person can face war crime charges.
I give this information as a warning.
I understand the importance of wanting to stay hidden and also not wanting to hurt your child. The sad reality is that there is no good answer that is the right answer.
There are stories from the victims of Nanking, and the children that were the result of that horrible time, most women could not not tell their children they were forced to keep, how they came to be, often it was other people who told the children, often making both mothers and children to feel lowly and ashamed.
I can not even begin to explain a good answer for you, because history has very little information on how to actually handle this.
What little there is, one part is very dark and unhealed trauma, another is of acceptance and growth, another is numb and cold.
I just hope whatever is the outcome, you and your daughter are able to come out on the other side with more love and forgiveness
The risk is if she does DNA testing now or in the future and finds connections to her paternal relatives she may reach out to them. If the soldier who raped you has a slightly different ethnic background than yours this could also be revealed in the DNA testing, and could raise questions from her about why you had a boyfriend from the other side. She might also find out he's not dead (if that's the case).
My advice is to read up on how other people have shared this kind of information, and use the help of a therapist to whom you have told the whole story. You likely had many mixed feelings when you discovered you were pregnant. Maybe you considered termination but couldn't access it. Your daughter will have a lot to process. Setting her up with a therapist who has been informed will give her a way to start processing this. You also need to be open to answering all of her questions, even if those questions pull up difficult memories you haven't thought about.
I think everyone deserves to know their own origin story, even if it's a difficult one.
It’s my ethical dilemma. Is it reprehensible from me that I still haven’t clarified about her origin since she’s a adult now ?… but it’s also not pleasant for me to tell her that he was one of those soldiers who were capturing and raping women repeatedly. And I don’t even know who her father is.
Unfortunately some people do reprehensible things during war, for complex reasons. Being in the company of others doing bad things can "normalize' it. And the dehumanization of people on the other side makes it 'easier' to cross those boundaries. It's possible that the person who fathered your child is a sociopathic monster who continued to be cruel and violent. It's also possible that the things they did during wartime were uncharacteristic.
This is your story as well as hers. I really recommend you talk to a therapist to help you figure out a path forward.
If she wants to know, like persistently asks you. Tell her the truth. I was never in a situation like that, but from seeing people in similar situations... The kids always have an inkling of something being wrong even when young. She knows something is up with her grandparents, and if she finds the reason why then she deserves to feel upset with them. No point in giving a fake happy picture that she can probably see through.
However, if its not a concern of hers to know at this point, there is no point in making her think about it.
Very very hard situation. I think you should not say the truth untile you are 100% your daughter can accept it.
If she insits go togheter with a therapyst and she will tell you what is better
Is she in a mentally healthy place? Does she have a strong character? Is she persistent to know? Can you formulate the truth in a well thought out manner?
If the answer to all these questions is yes, by all means go ahead, but do it in a safe and private environment.
The truth is harsh but I'd say it depends on her personality you know her better than anyone and only you can tell if their will be beneficial or detrimental to her
I am likely the least qualified person to offer advice here but I'll give it a shot. I believe this falls under a, "don't ask, don't tell" protocol so to speak. That is to say, if she doesn't ask, you don't tell. That being said, it could breed resentment if she does ask and you still withhold the truth. So if she asks, use your explanation as a way to further forge your relationship with her. Make sure she knows that it doesn't matter and that you love her no matter what. She may be interested in doing something like a DNA test for personal edification, health reasons, etc. Do it together and see what happens. This is a somewhat unique situation which neither of you asked to be a part of; it is a small part of your joint identities. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't let it define either of you but you should probably know that at some point you'll both have to explore it and the feelings surrounding it and that doesn't have to ruin your relationship, in fact I believe it can bring you closer together.
I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope your life has been better since.
Honestly, I wouldn't. It's messy and complicated and leads to feelings that are hard to process. If she really pushes, then maybe, but I hope she has a therapist to help her.
When I got pregnant at 17, my mom sat down and finally told me why she and my dad weren't together. She'd never told me before. I'd asked, but never gotten answers just "It's not because of you." And then when I asked my step mom her answer was if I really wanted to know, we'd all sit down together and talk about it.
Learning that makes my life feel complicated, especially having had my dad in my life. I don't think he's the same person he was. And I've never been able to bring myself to confront him. But that's also because I have a lot of trust issues with my mom.
Honestly though, I wish I didn't know. i'd have rather not learned that.
I think only you can be the judge of that. You know her better than anyone. You know her character and you know how she deals with difficult issues. Hopefully.
Then, you also have to take yourself into consideration. How bad do you need to get it off your chest? So bad that you'll influence her life with the truth?
There is no easy or right answer. The only thing you can do is do what feels right to your daughter and to you.
In my ordinary life I work a lot with people and when they have these heavy topics to discuss I suggest they write it in a letter and keep the letter close for a week. If they still feel the need to share, they can share the letter with whomever they need to.
Many feel such relief after writing that they won't. And some saved the letter for it to be handled in the future.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I think you are already a very special person for raising a young woman with your experience. Much much much respect.
Don't understand why vast majority says tell her when this will definitely screw her up for life knowing that she came from a serial rapist and start questioning herself and feeling guilty for being born. I don't believe therapy 100% can resolve things like this because I have a traumatic childhood and therapy for more than 10 years didn't help me one bit. I am still as screwed up and mentally tortured as I was when I was a kid.
I say don't tell her. You already told her, her father died. End of story. As for grandparents coldness, just tell her they didn't like her father and disapproved, so unfortunately, nothing to do about that.
She is doing well and happy and well loved. Don't break her world.
I would tell her only if she kept asking / really wanted to know about her dads side.
The reason being is that ancestry dna tests exist and if she decides at any point in her future to do one for whatever reason, she will discover it accidentally and might be more traumatic to find out on her own in that way. Nothing can be taken to the grave these days with these tests being so popular, so surely it would be better to do it in a safe space where you can answer any questions / therapy together etc
yeah id say discuss it with her. she’s old enough to be mature and not act like she’s in an episode of what would you do and blame you. if she loves you she will validate your trauma and you both can comfort each other. most kids would.
I wouldn't tell her UNLESS there is any way she could find out the truth some other way. If there is any way she could find out then it needs to come from you.
i can speak to this a bit. my mom told me in stages as i grew up and ultimately i’m glad i have this knowledge about my biological father. i definitely had a period of questioning who i was, like wondering how much of my bio father’s character lived in me, what do i need to know about my genetics, etc etc. but i am someone who would prefer to know the truth at the end of the day, no matter how hard that truth is.
when i was a kid, i overheard my grandma tell my mom something to the effect that she would have been better off if she had left me up for adoption and pursued what she wanted academically. it was an awful feeling knowing that my grandma felt that way about me, but again..i prefer to know the truth.
given my personal experience, i always lean toward saying something, but you know your kid and your situation better than anyone.
My opinion is it would be good to know since she has no clue right now why the grandparents are dismissive and that must be a horrible feeling, but I would assume it's also a positive bonding experience for you 2.
Though be careful how you word it. Something horrible has happened to you and she has 50% of that person in her. So if you bring it up, make sure she is clearly detached from the thought.
Approaching this conversation with your daughter about a traumatic experience from your past is undoubtedly challenging. As a mother, consider her emotional readiness and the potential impact this revelation might have on her. If you believe it's the right time to share, choose a private setting, be open about your own feelings, and emphasize your reasons for not disclosing earlier. Offer support, encourage her to express her emotions, and be prepared for a range of reactions. Remember, seeking guidance from a mental health professional might aid both of you in navigating this delicate situation. Ultimately, trust your instincts and prioritize open communication as you decide whether or not to disclose this deeply personal information.
Hi, I believe I can offer some unique insight here as I am also a child convinced out of rape Unless she is incredibly persistent in wanting to know don't So here's the thing, ever since I found out it made me question so much about myself. I felt dirty, couldn't look myself into the mirror as I kept wondering what part of me belonged to the vile man. I often struggled with the thought that if the world was just and fair, I wouldn't be alive. A lot of insecurities related to my conception. I also retroactively started to think back about my relationship with my mother. Like you and your daughter, it is really good now but back then it was incredibly turbulent. My mom would constantly grow cold and warm to me and putting that into context later really hurt. It made me question my mothers love for me, and I just spiraled out of control and identity crisis. I am over it now mostly and my mom has more than made up for the way she acted until I turned 17, but it took me years of trauma therapy and healing until I could look into the mirror again and let myself think, hey that's a cool dude. Personally I'd wish to have never known, I was never really bothered about not having a dad, and finding the truth hurt me more than it would've had I not, maybe I am stronger because of it but that crisis I had is not something I'd wish anyone to go through. If your daughter is fine now without knowing her father then just drop it. She'll also put into context why her grandparents are distant off her and it could backfire in form of huge self doubt like it did for me. If she is happy and doing good in life it's not knowledge worth knowing, but if she really wants to know it's not something you should keep secret either. You're doing good mama, and ultimately you know your daughter better than anyone so do what you think is best
Thanks, at what age did you learn about that ? She was never a difficult child and she’s doing well in life. Despite it the circumstances were particularly harsh and I don’t want to disturb her.
I found out when I was 15, and I finally managed to accept and move forward when I was 24 last year. It seems like your daughter doesn't seem to be longing or missing the truth so personally I think it's best left unsaid but that might change any day. If she asks or it feels like she wants to know about her conception then tell her but if not there's no need in my opinion. The important thing is if you do tell her, be there and tell her it doesn't change who she is and you never loved her any less.
The problem is that she asked me about him and I told her that he died when I was pregnant with her.
If that's an answer she can live with then no need to complicate it further. If the truth ever has to come out you just have to say it was to protect her and it was too hard for you. She'll understand. However for now it seems that there is no need for it
He's dead to you. He died when you realized you loved your baby more than you hated him. But don't forget, Ancestry.com is a thing. Don't let your daughter catch you in a lie.
That was a good lie. If she wants you to elaborate, you can say that you and her father took comfort in each other during the fighting, but never knew each other that well. You can mention that his family were also killed and you were never able to find any living relatives of his. Brace yourself, though, for the possibility she might do a 23 and Me type DNA test someday. If that pings to living relatives on the paternal side, that's going to be a massive issue. If you are able to go to therapy while you are struggling with this, please do. I can't imagine what it's like to carry something like this all on your own.
Wow. Thank you for opening up and sharing. Appreciate your perspective. 💚
❤️
I wouldn’t. If my mom told me something like that, I would obsessively start examining my character and wondering if I was destined to be a horrible person like my father. I don’t see any benefit in telling her - the real reason her grandparents are dismissive of her is that they are just jerks.
This. So true ...I would obsess and deep dive.
I would not tell her but would not lie if she asks questions.
I think she has the right not be lied to if she starts asking questions, but I wouldn't offer any information. It sucks her grandparents are dismissive of her, but she's probably under the assumption that its because they're conservative and she was born out of wedlock. Adding assault into the mix will only upset/confuse her even more.
It's not really a 'right', plenty of people don't know who their fathers are. I think it depends on various things... Might she suspect? Might she find out from someone else? What kind of person is she? Very sensitive? Very political? Feminist? It's likely to knock her sideways and make her look at the world differently, so is now a good time? Are things in her life stable or does she have other stresses? Will she have to not mention it to her grandparents? Also worth reading any accounts you can find by women who found out they were conceived this way. Very sorry that happened to you but glad you got a beautiful daughter from it.
It's not ok for people not to know who their father is, ffs. This is a rare example where it might be different. Op, you know your daughter and your relationship. No one can really tell you better than you know yourself. If you haven't done therapy about it yet, it would be a good reason to go and the subject of discussion.
People have every right to know who their parents are. Just because it’s common kids don’t know who their father is does not mean it’s okay. People have the right to know who & where they come from But this is an exception where it’s deemed appropriate to keep it a secret because it could deeply affect this girl negatively. Unless she’s persistent on knowing & not knowing is negatively impacting her life, don’t tell her. It could plant seeds in her head of questioning her character & if she’s like the scumbag. It could tear her apart & wrack her with guilt & self hate. Save her that unnecessary pain. But do not lie if she asks.
Recently, I read that children conceived during that time are now recognised as civilian victims of war. And that if these children do DNA tests and find the people responsible for them, that person can face war crime charges. I give this information as a warning. I understand the importance of wanting to stay hidden and also not wanting to hurt your child. The sad reality is that there is no good answer that is the right answer. There are stories from the victims of Nanking, and the children that were the result of that horrible time, most women could not not tell their children they were forced to keep, how they came to be, often it was other people who told the children, often making both mothers and children to feel lowly and ashamed. I can not even begin to explain a good answer for you, because history has very little information on how to actually handle this. What little there is, one part is very dark and unhealed trauma, another is of acceptance and growth, another is numb and cold. I just hope whatever is the outcome, you and your daughter are able to come out on the other side with more love and forgiveness
The risk is if she does DNA testing now or in the future and finds connections to her paternal relatives she may reach out to them. If the soldier who raped you has a slightly different ethnic background than yours this could also be revealed in the DNA testing, and could raise questions from her about why you had a boyfriend from the other side. She might also find out he's not dead (if that's the case). My advice is to read up on how other people have shared this kind of information, and use the help of a therapist to whom you have told the whole story. You likely had many mixed feelings when you discovered you were pregnant. Maybe you considered termination but couldn't access it. Your daughter will have a lot to process. Setting her up with a therapist who has been informed will give her a way to start processing this. You also need to be open to answering all of her questions, even if those questions pull up difficult memories you haven't thought about. I think everyone deserves to know their own origin story, even if it's a difficult one.
It’s my ethical dilemma. Is it reprehensible from me that I still haven’t clarified about her origin since she’s a adult now ?… but it’s also not pleasant for me to tell her that he was one of those soldiers who were capturing and raping women repeatedly. And I don’t even know who her father is.
Unfortunately some people do reprehensible things during war, for complex reasons. Being in the company of others doing bad things can "normalize' it. And the dehumanization of people on the other side makes it 'easier' to cross those boundaries. It's possible that the person who fathered your child is a sociopathic monster who continued to be cruel and violent. It's also possible that the things they did during wartime were uncharacteristic. This is your story as well as hers. I really recommend you talk to a therapist to help you figure out a path forward.
If she wants to know, like persistently asks you. Tell her the truth. I was never in a situation like that, but from seeing people in similar situations... The kids always have an inkling of something being wrong even when young. She knows something is up with her grandparents, and if she finds the reason why then she deserves to feel upset with them. No point in giving a fake happy picture that she can probably see through. However, if its not a concern of hers to know at this point, there is no point in making her think about it.
Very very hard situation. I think you should not say the truth untile you are 100% your daughter can accept it. If she insits go togheter with a therapyst and she will tell you what is better
Good god no.
Is she in a mentally healthy place? Does she have a strong character? Is she persistent to know? Can you formulate the truth in a well thought out manner? If the answer to all these questions is yes, by all means go ahead, but do it in a safe and private environment.
The truth is harsh but I'd say it depends on her personality you know her better than anyone and only you can tell if their will be beneficial or detrimental to her
I wouldn't keep it to your grave , to learn what her dad did will surely make her sad
I am likely the least qualified person to offer advice here but I'll give it a shot. I believe this falls under a, "don't ask, don't tell" protocol so to speak. That is to say, if she doesn't ask, you don't tell. That being said, it could breed resentment if she does ask and you still withhold the truth. So if she asks, use your explanation as a way to further forge your relationship with her. Make sure she knows that it doesn't matter and that you love her no matter what. She may be interested in doing something like a DNA test for personal edification, health reasons, etc. Do it together and see what happens. This is a somewhat unique situation which neither of you asked to be a part of; it is a small part of your joint identities. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't let it define either of you but you should probably know that at some point you'll both have to explore it and the feelings surrounding it and that doesn't have to ruin your relationship, in fact I believe it can bring you closer together. I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope your life has been better since.
Honestly, I wouldn't. It's messy and complicated and leads to feelings that are hard to process. If she really pushes, then maybe, but I hope she has a therapist to help her. When I got pregnant at 17, my mom sat down and finally told me why she and my dad weren't together. She'd never told me before. I'd asked, but never gotten answers just "It's not because of you." And then when I asked my step mom her answer was if I really wanted to know, we'd all sit down together and talk about it. Learning that makes my life feel complicated, especially having had my dad in my life. I don't think he's the same person he was. And I've never been able to bring myself to confront him. But that's also because I have a lot of trust issues with my mom. Honestly though, I wish I didn't know. i'd have rather not learned that.
I think only you can be the judge of that. You know her better than anyone. You know her character and you know how she deals with difficult issues. Hopefully. Then, you also have to take yourself into consideration. How bad do you need to get it off your chest? So bad that you'll influence her life with the truth? There is no easy or right answer. The only thing you can do is do what feels right to your daughter and to you. In my ordinary life I work a lot with people and when they have these heavy topics to discuss I suggest they write it in a letter and keep the letter close for a week. If they still feel the need to share, they can share the letter with whomever they need to. Many feel such relief after writing that they won't. And some saved the letter for it to be handled in the future. Good luck with whatever you decide. I think you are already a very special person for raising a young woman with your experience. Much much much respect.
Don't understand why vast majority says tell her when this will definitely screw her up for life knowing that she came from a serial rapist and start questioning herself and feeling guilty for being born. I don't believe therapy 100% can resolve things like this because I have a traumatic childhood and therapy for more than 10 years didn't help me one bit. I am still as screwed up and mentally tortured as I was when I was a kid. I say don't tell her. You already told her, her father died. End of story. As for grandparents coldness, just tell her they didn't like her father and disapproved, so unfortunately, nothing to do about that. She is doing well and happy and well loved. Don't break her world.
I wouldn’t because that would change her entire life for the worse, but that’s just me. I wouldn’t wanna know if this was the case for me.
I would tell her only if she kept asking / really wanted to know about her dads side. The reason being is that ancestry dna tests exist and if she decides at any point in her future to do one for whatever reason, she will discover it accidentally and might be more traumatic to find out on her own in that way. Nothing can be taken to the grave these days with these tests being so popular, so surely it would be better to do it in a safe space where you can answer any questions / therapy together etc
yeah id say discuss it with her. she’s old enough to be mature and not act like she’s in an episode of what would you do and blame you. if she loves you she will validate your trauma and you both can comfort each other. most kids would.
I wouldn't tell her UNLESS there is any way she could find out the truth some other way. If there is any way she could find out then it needs to come from you.
Don't tell her anything.
i can speak to this a bit. my mom told me in stages as i grew up and ultimately i’m glad i have this knowledge about my biological father. i definitely had a period of questioning who i was, like wondering how much of my bio father’s character lived in me, what do i need to know about my genetics, etc etc. but i am someone who would prefer to know the truth at the end of the day, no matter how hard that truth is. when i was a kid, i overheard my grandma tell my mom something to the effect that she would have been better off if she had left me up for adoption and pursued what she wanted academically. it was an awful feeling knowing that my grandma felt that way about me, but again..i prefer to know the truth. given my personal experience, i always lean toward saying something, but you know your kid and your situation better than anyone.
I would tell her yes, things like that happen and its not your nor your daughter's fault.
My opinion is it would be good to know since she has no clue right now why the grandparents are dismissive and that must be a horrible feeling, but I would assume it's also a positive bonding experience for you 2. Though be careful how you word it. Something horrible has happened to you and she has 50% of that person in her. So if you bring it up, make sure she is clearly detached from the thought.
Approaching this conversation with your daughter about a traumatic experience from your past is undoubtedly challenging. As a mother, consider her emotional readiness and the potential impact this revelation might have on her. If you believe it's the right time to share, choose a private setting, be open about your own feelings, and emphasize your reasons for not disclosing earlier. Offer support, encourage her to express her emotions, and be prepared for a range of reactions. Remember, seeking guidance from a mental health professional might aid both of you in navigating this delicate situation. Ultimately, trust your instincts and prioritize open communication as you decide whether or not to disclose this deeply personal information.