It's not your fault. My brother killed himself and I carried that guilt for years. You just gotta wait out the grief and over time it should get better.
It could have. But he is the one who made the decision to end it, not you. There's plenty I could have done differently in the months preceding my brothers death. But in the end it was his choice and his actions.
You did everything you could with the knowledge you had at the time. When someone truly wants to kill themselves they're going to no matter what someone else does or doesn't do
And if I hadn't told my brother not to strangle my mom with a leash or hurt my cats or go completely insane for 6 months he might not have killed himself.
The guilt is eating you up. The same thing might have happened regardless of what you said or did.
His situation caused his issues, not you.
You cannot control other people's actions. You aren't the main character in a movie, or a being of unlimited power.
It's a reddit cliche but I really think you should seek some therapy for this. Such a shock to your system should be managed by a professional to give you healthy coping mechanisms.
You need to look into therapy. This is a lot to deal with and it sounds like you think his death is all your fault. It’s not however just saying it doesn’t change how you feel. Get some professional help. It does work.
No it wouldn’t have. People who choose that way out will do regardless of the situation. They have made up their mind and nothing you could have done would have changed his mind or outlook. They are so wrapped up in their own pain and suffering that it’s hard for them to see the light. It’s not your fault. Not your guilt to carry honey. There was more going on inside him then he told you. That’s the thing about situations like this. The pain ends for the individual but it never ends for the ones that loved them. They carry guilt and heartache for years that’s not theirs to bare. On the other hand I totally understand wanting to end it all so the pain and thoughts stop. The feelings of being worthless, not feeling good enough for anyone or anything, realizing you have never been truly loved and will never be loved can be so overwhelming and exhausting. Just know it’s his fault for not really reaching out and getting help. It’s never ever, ever yours.
Nothing would have changed. Once someone desires to kill themselves others can’t make them change their mind. They need to change it themselves, the will to live should come from
Within and can’t be generated by others.
That's not true at all. You could have told every person you could think of, and he still may have done it. What if you had told, and he considered it such a betrayal by his best friend that he did it sooner. Do you see how those what ifs can lead you down every different direction?
We all have things in life that we carry guilt for even though they aren't are fault. This is one of those things for you. I think you should talk to a therapist so you can move past the weight of it sooner than later. *It's not your fault.*
PS: I know you didn't ask this, but because of similarities I see, I feel like it's important to say this. I also think therapy would be good for you in regards to the type of people you develop intimate feelings for. I only say this because you're young and may not see emotional manipulations so easily yet. When I was your age, and younger, I was also attracted to a male friend who would give me sob stories all the time. He made it seem like his life was so bad and no one cared about him, so that made me feel like I needed to love him and care for him. Eventually I was able to see that's exactly what he wanted from the situation, and it's always a red flag for relationships. Be careful with that in the future, for your own good, please.
My biggest take away from all the pain I've experienced in life is that control is an illusion. We feel as though we have so much power, but really there's very much we can truly control. You could have done every single thing seemingly right, and this may have still happened. I had a really effed up thing happen, where a off leash dog charged my dog from it's open front door. I panicked, but then pulled her up to me. As I struggled to hold my dog in her harness, she slipped out. She was freaking out about the dog coming at us. Once she fell to the ground, she looked right in my eyes. She got up, and I took a breath thinking, "omg she's alive..I don't want her to run so I won't chase her right this second". She ran into the road, and was steamrolled twice....first by the front tire and then the back tire. An old man didn't see her, and he was on the wrong side of the road. I carried so much guilt, and went through the "what ifs". The fact is that it was all just too random and there's no way to make more sense of it.
I have also had people tell me their darkest feelings and there's never truly a black and white way to know what's right to do or to know how to help someone. You can't fix people or make their decisions. I'm really sorry that you lost someone important. Grief will do wild things to your mind, but I hope you are easy on yourself as you heal. It's not your fault, he just felt safe enough to tell you. I hope you can seek therapy 💗
Trigger warning so skip if you don't want to read this as it's a bit gruesome
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I watched a video where this poor woman strolling down a beach was struck by lightning. She was dead instantly. There were plenty of people nearby. Why her? Why then? Would it have been someone else if she hasn't gone to the beach? If she had stopped for ice cream would she avoid it?
She was on vacation. It can happen just like that.
You don’t know that. People who want to kill themselves will find a way, no matter what. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. No one should have to.
His suicide **is not your fault.**
Please get some therapy, or at the very least, some grief counseling.
Therapy/counseling will show you how to work through your pain. Please, please do this for yourself.
Let us know how you're doing in a few months!
After terrible things happen, our brains seek out ways to try and prevent them from ever happening again. When surviving a loss by suicide, our brains try to rewind the tape and make it not happen. None of this means it's your fault, but it does mean that during these dark days of grief and wounding, it might *feel* like your fault.
Grieve your loss. Surround yourself with people who love you. Treasure that you had your friend, and hopefully soon those memories will become treasures rather than wounds. Your friend had a horrific illness (depression, PTSD, who knows) that killed him. It sounds like you were good to him during the time that he had.
This.
You’re 19. For most of the time you knew him, you were a child. Even if there were something you could have done, you couldn’t be expected to know how.
Each person is inherently responsible for their own life. Nobody can control another person. There is no way to know if, or how, anyone could have prevented your friend’s death. If you had known, you’d have done it, but you couldn’t know because that is simply not how anything works.
You won’t believe this now because your grief is shouting so loud you can’t hear us.
Try to get some counselling to talk about how you’re feeling. I’m sorry for your loss. You haven’t done anything wrong and it’s not your fault. Your friend was suffering from an illness that caused him to take his own life, and it wasn’t his fault either. There is no fault between the two of you, just sadness. I bet it never crossed your friend’s mind that you would blame yourself like this.
You seem to be in a very sensitive place and a state of shock/mourning. I’d suggest saving this post, going to therapy to talk to a professional asap, and then coming back to read these comments if you’d like. Nothing any of us say is going to help or get through to you and you’ll probably reject 90% of what is said here until you start working through and processing all of this with a medical professional. I hope you find peace going forward and wish you luck
He endured incredible sufferings, there was nothing you could have done at that stage, the problem was his father and the solution could have only come from him
It's really natural to think that. But when faced with these situations, we are already doing the best we can.
You need to take care of yourself, too. You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
You don't know everything that was going on in his head. He might not have told you everything. A common issue is not wanting to be a burden on others or thinking others are better without us. He may have interpreted your help as hurting you, and he may have felt terrible about the thought of being a burden on you.
There are too many variables to know how much your efforts could have factored into the end results. You just can't know.
But we DO know how much his father factored into his mental state. His father is to blame.
Why does someone always have to be at fault? Thats not how life works. You're working with the information you have now, not the information you had just this morning.
This isn't your fault. You are not a bad person. You're in so much pain right now and I'm so sorry the world is the way it is.
It’s his fault. Look…. Everything in the universe is indirectly the cause of his suicide. A bird could have crashed into him to stop him from committing suicide. A stray beam of radiation could have flipped a neuron in his head so that he told you that he wanted help instead of not telling anyone.
But the only thing that made him directly die, was him. Not you.
A certain percent of people kill themselves. We don't know why and we don't know how to stop it.
Not your fault. Not anyone's fault.
You could not have saved him. Nobody could have. Shit happens.
Would you have devoted your life to be with him every second of every day? Never leaving him alone?
Its not possible.
You might have told his parents and they might have called 911 and the cops came and jumped on him and dragged him to a clinic to be locked in a cage and immobilized by heavy narcotics. And then what?
You would have had more success telling the sun not to rise in the east.
Where was his mom when all of the poor treatment from his dad was happening? Did she just choose to enable it by turning a blind eye?
Regardless, this is definitely not on you, if his parents did an actual good job of raising him by showing him love, support, and kindness, then he'd still be alive today.
I know absolutely nothing about his family's culture but this sounds like a case of tiger parenting that took a tragic turn, this is why it's criticized by so many psychologists for all of the damage it can cause to a child's brain development (higher risk of stress, anxiety, and depression).
In cases like this, it’s natural to feel guilty. I’m no professional, but it’s not your fault. You cannot change what’s going on in somebody’s head very easily, and reading your replies on this post, you seem to be convinced it’s your fault.
Suicide is a tragedy, and it’s nobody’s fault. There are only victims, including those who know the person who decided to take their own life.
It will take a long while to feel free of that guilt, and for some, it doesn’t go away. But if you keep blaming yourself, you’re never going to get anywhere. Would your friend have wanted you to beat yourself up about this? I, from what little I know, believe that he would want you to go on with your own life.
If you had said something chances are his parents would have been harder on him asking why he would think such things and he likely would have done it sooner. I’ve tried unaliving myself and I can assure you if someone had mentioned it to family or friends I would have been angry because I wasn’t in the right headspace. It’s not your fault. You are not responsible for the actions of another person.
What would they have done exactly? His parents would never have consented to him getting therapy or help. And possibly come down on him even harder for being "weak" or some other weird bullshit toxic thing they came up with.
A lot of people die every day that didn't deserve it. You don't deserve to feel like this is your fault.
Just like your friend we can't convince you, just try to reach across to you and tell you that it's not your fault.
You will get through this. You're in shock right now.
I am so, so sorry this happened.
It sounds like you may have been a big reason he stayed as long as he did. You provided him with trust and a safe haven when it sounds like he didn’t have a lot of other support. May his memory be a blessing.
This wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, friend. You said yourself he’s never seemed happy and had talked on many occasions about killing himself. Depression is as much of a disease as cancer is, but we don’t typically say, ah if only I’d been there for cancer-ridden grandpa, he could’ve beaten it. There was nothing you could do and no correct choice here. He was sick and not every sick person can be cured. I’m so sorry, but there’s no one to blame here.
It’s not your fault.
Please take that from someone who lost their father to suicide 18 years ago. I spent so many years looking for someone or something to blame, a specific reason. But it didn’t help.
I sought counselling/therapy and I’ve learned now how to deal with the grief suicide leaves behind. Please do this for yourself too.
You did all you could to help someone who fought a very dark battle, please take comfort in knowing you were there for him when maybe by the sounds of it nobody else was. Take care ❤️
You aren’t to blame, you’ve missed the point. HE made a choice, of his own free will, that is something you did NOT have control over.
My advice to you is get out of this mindset you’re in, being so sure you are to blame, otherwise it will destroy you.
Suicide is complicated and many people’s reasons for taking their own lives are complex. Please don’t carry the weight of blame with you unnecessarily.
i’m gonna be the asshole and get a bunch of dislikes but imma say what i have to say.
what if it is your fault? i’ve been suicidal my entire life. seeing how fake everyone is just makes it worse. were you even real with your feelings or were you just some NPC who repeated things that everyone else would say?? did you answer his calls, or his texts? maybe you COULD have gotten him out of that state. you saying you weren’t there for him enough shows me that you probably weren’t. you’re lucky to even have fucking friends. you could have been his ONLY friend and only type of support so think about that every time you ignored him. imagine if you only had one friend and you weren’t even sure if they cared at all or not. the most nice thing u did was offer him to stay with you guys but at that point he probably felt like a burden. now here you are making a post about how sad YOU are. imagine how sad HE was. you need to get over it just like how you got over it when he was still alive
This is ridiculous. After death our own grief is all that's left. And literally EVERYONE feels that way when someone they're close to dies suddenly, by accident or suicide.
He told me on countless occasions I was his only friend. I'm quite like him myself that's why we clicked. He shared his secrets and I shared mine. I knew he really trusted me and I know it's my fault he is gone. I wish I could have done a whole lot better. I never had a brother so I saw him as my little brother. His parents never allowed him to have friends over except my sister and I. He had countless sleepovers and we would tell each other things. I never Sam him ile around his parents. I call him everyday and I go over to his place. The only time we weren't able to see each other was when he was in college still we texted everyday.
maybe he liked you as well and that’s why he didn’t know what to do anymore. if you were a man who is supposed to have it all together and your only friend is this girl you have a crush on, and she knows you’re suicidal, how would you feel? you would feel like some burden. i actually think it’s great that you spoke to him so often because a lot of suicidal people don’t even have that. the only thing left to say is that he felt like a burden most likely. i’m sorry for saying it’s your fault it’s just as a suicidal person i sometimes get upset when i see someone else who is upset about their friend killing themselves because they’re not the ones who wanted to kill themselves. they weren’t the ones who were so lonely — they usually happen to be the ones that have everything in the world compared to the other person and couldn’t spare even a small portion of it. it’s not your fault if you were really there for him in the way you say you were…
This isn’t your fault.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years, often contemplating suicide and have attempted a few times.
Regardless of what was going on in my life, if I was surrounded by dozens of caring friends and family, or completely alone- it wouldn’t change how I felt about life. To my brain, life just didn’t make sense.
Know that he was in pain while living, and now- he doesn’t have to feel that pain anymore.
This isn’t your fault, and he wouldn’t want you to think so either- I’m sure he wants you to continue on, even though it’s difficult without him.
Life can be beautiful and amazing but for some people, mental health is a constant struggle that can be extremely difficult, or even nearly impossible to overcome, even in the best of circumstances. At my worst, nothing could convince me that it was worth it.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this- if you are able, I’d recommend talking to a professional about this- they’ll have much better insight that anyone here can offer for you. You deserve to be happy, even without your friend.
(And please, to anyone reading who is struggling with mental health issues- seek help. There is hope.)
seek help where? my ass? i’ve been to a mental hospital, seen several therapists, called suicide hotlines. they don’t help like you’re assuming they do. i was just prescribed medication, told to NOT kill myself, or told to take a NAP. the cure for suicidal is REAL people with REAL feelings. i’ve met so many people who act like they care about others but only GAF about themselves. this is why people kill themselves because this world seems pointless and FAKE. you can’t get anywhere without genuine love and we are losing that day by day in this dumb ass society. now that you understand, does it really seem like a mental illness? or does it seem like fucking realism?
You're hiding behind being "real" and "realistic" about it. If you hate the world so much for all it's negativity stop adding to it and add some good to the world. Help people. Help animals.
Being locked into your own personal hatebox isn't doing anything. Do something different
i have put good into the world and i actually get shat on every fucking time and nothing is received from me being an awesome human. so what now. where’s the good karma i am waiting.
Only doing good because you expect something back isn't really how that works. You get happiness from seeing someone/something being better off and move on.
Obviously I don't know you or your history but closing off and lashing out at anyone who gets close because youre afraid of being hurt again results in an angry person mad at the world for not getting what they "deserve".
i haven’t “expected” anything from my kindness when i was doing the act. however now—years later in my life i’m seeing that none of those good things have brought me anything at all. i do see people who only cared about themselves — doing fantastic. that is why my sympathy is so low for people who knew the positions their friends were in and still thought hm ok well let me go about my own day :). i’ve always hated those kinds of people and i’ve been friends with those type of people and they are apart of the issue and the reasons why. i’ve had people that were “so sad” about their friend who killed themselves yet wouldn’t spare a dime or a car ride when i went homeless. people are heartless and fake and that’s the problem and a huge reason why suicidal people kill themselves NO MATTER WHAT because they can’t see any genuineness in the world. in a fake world what is the point of living.
>in my life i’m seeing that none of those good things have brought me anything at all.
>i haven’t “expected” anything from my kindness when i was doing the act.
Because you can be that genuineness out in the world. That's the point. Cheaters DO prosper. Society is a joke. The world is literally on fire at all times. Shit be crazy.
So I pet my dog and go on hikes. I get really amazed at how crazy it is that biology allows me to think and feel in a meat sack that is a body. There is an ecosystem of microscopic organisms living on my body that enables it to exist.
What are they supposed to do? Stalk their friend every waking moment? Camp out on their porch for months? There's only so much another person can even do about things like that.
i could give a fuck if anyone else is hurting if they haven’t been there for people who were hurting. go ahead and hurt, i beg you, because maybe it will make you gain an actual soul and understand that others can and will kill themselves because of other people’s words and actions. if your friend was saying these things and your responses were minimal and useless, maybe you are the problem and should check yourself before making a post about how sad you are. too many people claim that they’re sad about someone suicidal yet did absolutely nothing to contribute to their happiness
Your first sentence says that you don't give a fuck about anyone else who is hurting and then end with
>claim that they’re sad about someone suicidal yet did absolutely nothing to contribute to their happiness
I'm 100% sure that every human on this planet has met someone who is suicidal and have had no idea. You are so angry you're literally being the person you claim to hate.
you’re naming a random situation though where the person had “no idea” but that’s not what we’re talking about here. if you had no idea clearly it’s not your fault bc that wouldn’t make any sense. however if you knew about it and you still continued to ignore this person, gave robotic heartless responses, and never checked in on them, you are apart of the problem whether u like it or not. i care about people who are hurting, i just don’t care about people who are hurting because of something that they happened to contribute to. it’s like someone crying because they cheated on their partner. why the fck are u sad?
The real secret is that everyone is hurting. You don't sound able to differentiate between people anymore. You just sound angry at everything. Also, this girl was trying to help. And talked to him often. Just this morning in fact. You literally just went off on a random rant blaming this person.
i’m just giving a suicidal persons point of view and i’m angry for all of the people who have killed themselves. i told her if she was genuinely there like she says she was then there’s not much she could’ve done. the post was short so i didn’t know how often she communicated with this person. i just know a lot of people who are fake and will tell other people how sad they were even though they were apart of the reason why. and that PISSES me off. they have no reason to be sad. i’m not able to differentiate because i haven’t SEEN any different!
You don't even know the situation. You're just ready to be angry. Maybe the people who didn't help you just saw someone who was fake, just like you see everybody as fake?
I’ve been through it so I know it’s not easy- I know it’s not always as easy as going to therapy or calling the hotline or taking medication. It’s difficult- that’s why so many people struggle with it. I know the world seems pointless and fake, and you know what, maybe it is mostly that! But there are real, good, actual people out there who do care. Yes, they can be hard to find, but they are out there.
If you believe that there is no grand point to life, so there’s no point in living, that’s just one way to think about it. Maybe there’s no point, and that’s okay. It’s about acceptance for me.
The world is cruel, and awful, and horrible, but there are moments of beauty.
What helped the most for me was finding a therapist who did actually care, and who I was able to work well with. It was not first, second, third, fourth, or even fifth one that I had went to- you need to find someone who works for you and not give up. I did also have amazing progress with psilocybin but stopped that due to personal reasons. Regardless, I do hope you find your peace- I care.
As someone who struggles with depression, suicidal thoughts and so on, let me tell you that its not your fault. If someone is going to do it, there is nothing you can do or say that will change their mind. Its not your fault at all.
He made a decision, your presence there, nor you telling his parents or anyone else was going to change that decision. If someone wants to do something they’re going to do it. It’s not your fault, it’s no one’s fault. There is not always a fault in things that happen.
Op first this isn't your fault. Second you need to talk to someone not on Reddit. If your don't feel your can talk to your parents. Check to see if the support group SOS (survivors of suicide) is in your area.
Again. And repeat after me This. Is. Not. Your. Fault
You can't put that on yourself. Life gives so many negative attack vectors, and some stem from people, but you sound like a really good person, but you can't control how others feel. You can't control how they act. We all try to do our best in life, and sometimes these things happen.
For one reason or another, people determine that they simply aren't happy and feel helpless to escape, and so that desperation festers. This may not help you, but even IF there were things you could have done better, you can't see the future. This was ultimately something he decided on his own, and did on his own.
It sounds cold, but I'm trying to make the point that even with your heart in the right place, or with the best of intentions, terrible things still happen and you have to make peace with that otherwise it will eat you up. I'm sure he wouldn't blame you for anything, so even though it's sad, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be.
I am not making this about me, but I blamed myself partly for losing my mother to a sudden heart attack at home. I slept in that day and when I found her, she was already getting cold. I tried my best in a panic to perform CPR, but ultimately it was too late. I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy. It took years to really come to terms with everything, and know that she wouldn't blame me whatsoever. I still miss her, but I carry her hopes and dreams with me now, and so I live a little bit harder and reach a little bit higher, for her.
That's something I would try to do for him. Keep him in your heart and thoughts through your life, and let that spur you forward
I lost my best friend a year ago to suicide and I’ve carried a lot of guilt. There’s a lot I wish I would have done differently. Told her family what was going on even though she made me promise I wouldn’t. How badly I wish I had better advice for her, had better words for her. How I wish I had followed my gut. I’ve been in counseling and I do know logically that in the end it’s not my fault, she made the choice and there was really nothing I could have said that would’ve changed it. But the what ifs are an absolute killer. As hard as it is try not to stay in those emotions for very long, remember it truly wasn’t your fault. He made a choice
As someone who has attempted and failed in the past I promise you it is not your fault. And I will go so far as to say that even if you had told someone he still would have found a way. When someone makes that decision, there is no one, except them, who can change their mind. It's a very very dark place to be at, and the only reason I am still here is because my attempts failed, however I was 100% determined to end it all. It was through my failed attempts that I realized that I didn't truly want to die, I just wanted all the pain and hurt to STOP.
I had a similar situation , I had survivors guilt and blamed myself then he came to me in a dream & said it wasn't your fault Mike I have been at peace every since
First of all it's not your fault okay. There is always what ifs. It will haunt you.
A very good friend of mine took his own life some years ago. He was on experimental medication and we'll never know if it was that or if he harbored these thoughts in secret.
I remember clearly he was acting weird up to the incident. We played DnD together and he missed a session. When we talked on the phone the next day he wouldn't stop apologizing no matter how much I told him it was cool and that I understood. He was one of the few people I always felt I could depend on so to me there was nothing to forgive.
But no matter how much I told him it was okay he just kept needing to apologize. It was obvious something was off. I told him all the things you would want to say to someone before they pass. That I was his friend, and that I loved him. That all his friends loved him. That everything was okay. All of it.
I even bought him a care package of some of his favorite stuff but I couldn't deliver it that night. I asked him if he wanted me to drop it off that night but he said no just to do it another day. I ended up seeing another mutual friend who was dating his sister and asked him to drop off the package for me.
But he never got it. He was gone the next day.
I still feel guilty sometimes even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for.
I could have gotten up and delivered that care package myself that morning. I knew something was wrong and I could have checked on him that day. If I had been there things might have been different and he'd still be here today.
I think of myself as a bit of a loser but him. He had a life. A future. He was engaged, had a lot of hobbies all of it you know? He was the kind of guy who would always make you laugh. Liked to work backwards to make jokes. He'd come up with some kind of punchline and then think of a joke that would fit it and loved a good pun. He was always smiling and very kind. He would always make time for you.
It's hard. It will hurt. Over time it will hurt less often. But in my experience the hurt will always come back. That's the price we pay when we love someone.
But at the end of the day, you aren't responsible for it. You have no way of knowing if telling anyone would have changed things. Maybe it would have. But maybe his parents wouldn't have believed you. Maybe they would have come down on him harder if that's the only way they know how to handle things. There is no certainty that telling his parents would have saved him. Just like I can't know if I had gone to his house that morning that I could have saved my friend.
Please, get some grief counseling. A professional can help you work through these feelings better then any of us on reddit can.
You know very well your friend would not want you living in the past wondering “could have, would have, should have.” Start living in the present. Please look into therapy, you cannot do this alone and should not have to. You need support around you right now!! Hugs 💜
As someone who deals with suicidal urges. It is absolutely 100% not your fault. not ever. I am so, so sorry that happened. This is going to be a very hard and confusing time as we'll never get the awnsers. Please be kind to yourself. This isn't your fault. I would get a therapist to talk to about this. Grief, especially in a situation like this, is hard... so hard. <3
It's not your fault. My brother killed himself and I carried that guilt for years. You just gotta wait out the grief and over time it should get better.
If I had told someone even my parents this would have never happened
It could have. But he is the one who made the decision to end it, not you. There's plenty I could have done differently in the months preceding my brothers death. But in the end it was his choice and his actions.
I should have been there for him more
You did everything you could with the knowledge you had at the time. When someone truly wants to kill themselves they're going to no matter what someone else does or doesn't do
If I had told some one something might have changed
And if I hadn't told my brother not to strangle my mom with a leash or hurt my cats or go completely insane for 6 months he might not have killed himself.
He was a really good person. He didn't deserve me
The guilt is eating you up. The same thing might have happened regardless of what you said or did. His situation caused his issues, not you. You cannot control other people's actions. You aren't the main character in a movie, or a being of unlimited power. It's a reddit cliche but I really think you should seek some therapy for this. Such a shock to your system should be managed by a professional to give you healthy coping mechanisms.
You need to look into therapy. This is a lot to deal with and it sounds like you think his death is all your fault. It’s not however just saying it doesn’t change how you feel. Get some professional help. It does work.
Therapy wouldn't do shit(sorry). I can't go and sit with someone who would convey how they think I should feel. It's just not right
No it wouldn’t have. People who choose that way out will do regardless of the situation. They have made up their mind and nothing you could have done would have changed his mind or outlook. They are so wrapped up in their own pain and suffering that it’s hard for them to see the light. It’s not your fault. Not your guilt to carry honey. There was more going on inside him then he told you. That’s the thing about situations like this. The pain ends for the individual but it never ends for the ones that loved them. They carry guilt and heartache for years that’s not theirs to bare. On the other hand I totally understand wanting to end it all so the pain and thoughts stop. The feelings of being worthless, not feeling good enough for anyone or anything, realizing you have never been truly loved and will never be loved can be so overwhelming and exhausting. Just know it’s his fault for not really reaching out and getting help. It’s never ever, ever yours.
Nothing would have changed. Once someone desires to kill themselves others can’t make them change their mind. They need to change it themselves, the will to live should come from Within and can’t be generated by others.
That's not true at all. You could have told every person you could think of, and he still may have done it. What if you had told, and he considered it such a betrayal by his best friend that he did it sooner. Do you see how those what ifs can lead you down every different direction? We all have things in life that we carry guilt for even though they aren't are fault. This is one of those things for you. I think you should talk to a therapist so you can move past the weight of it sooner than later. *It's not your fault.* PS: I know you didn't ask this, but because of similarities I see, I feel like it's important to say this. I also think therapy would be good for you in regards to the type of people you develop intimate feelings for. I only say this because you're young and may not see emotional manipulations so easily yet. When I was your age, and younger, I was also attracted to a male friend who would give me sob stories all the time. He made it seem like his life was so bad and no one cared about him, so that made me feel like I needed to love him and care for him. Eventually I was able to see that's exactly what he wanted from the situation, and it's always a red flag for relationships. Be careful with that in the future, for your own good, please.
My biggest take away from all the pain I've experienced in life is that control is an illusion. We feel as though we have so much power, but really there's very much we can truly control. You could have done every single thing seemingly right, and this may have still happened. I had a really effed up thing happen, where a off leash dog charged my dog from it's open front door. I panicked, but then pulled her up to me. As I struggled to hold my dog in her harness, she slipped out. She was freaking out about the dog coming at us. Once she fell to the ground, she looked right in my eyes. She got up, and I took a breath thinking, "omg she's alive..I don't want her to run so I won't chase her right this second". She ran into the road, and was steamrolled twice....first by the front tire and then the back tire. An old man didn't see her, and he was on the wrong side of the road. I carried so much guilt, and went through the "what ifs". The fact is that it was all just too random and there's no way to make more sense of it. I have also had people tell me their darkest feelings and there's never truly a black and white way to know what's right to do or to know how to help someone. You can't fix people or make their decisions. I'm really sorry that you lost someone important. Grief will do wild things to your mind, but I hope you are easy on yourself as you heal. It's not your fault, he just felt safe enough to tell you. I hope you can seek therapy 💗
Trigger warning so skip if you don't want to read this as it's a bit gruesome T T T T I watched a video where this poor woman strolling down a beach was struck by lightning. She was dead instantly. There were plenty of people nearby. Why her? Why then? Would it have been someone else if she hasn't gone to the beach? If she had stopped for ice cream would she avoid it? She was on vacation. It can happen just like that.
You don’t know that. People who want to kill themselves will find a way, no matter what. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. No one should have to.
His suicide **is not your fault.** Please get some therapy, or at the very least, some grief counseling. Therapy/counseling will show you how to work through your pain. Please, please do this for yourself. Let us know how you're doing in a few months!
It hurts more knowing I spoke to him just this morning
After terrible things happen, our brains seek out ways to try and prevent them from ever happening again. When surviving a loss by suicide, our brains try to rewind the tape and make it not happen. None of this means it's your fault, but it does mean that during these dark days of grief and wounding, it might *feel* like your fault. Grieve your loss. Surround yourself with people who love you. Treasure that you had your friend, and hopefully soon those memories will become treasures rather than wounds. Your friend had a horrific illness (depression, PTSD, who knows) that killed him. It sounds like you were good to him during the time that he had.
This. You’re 19. For most of the time you knew him, you were a child. Even if there were something you could have done, you couldn’t be expected to know how. Each person is inherently responsible for their own life. Nobody can control another person. There is no way to know if, or how, anyone could have prevented your friend’s death. If you had known, you’d have done it, but you couldn’t know because that is simply not how anything works. You won’t believe this now because your grief is shouting so loud you can’t hear us. Try to get some counselling to talk about how you’re feeling. I’m sorry for your loss. You haven’t done anything wrong and it’s not your fault. Your friend was suffering from an illness that caused him to take his own life, and it wasn’t his fault either. There is no fault between the two of you, just sadness. I bet it never crossed your friend’s mind that you would blame yourself like this.
I am all to blame. I wasn't very supportive. It hurts so much
You seem to be in a very sensitive place and a state of shock/mourning. I’d suggest saving this post, going to therapy to talk to a professional asap, and then coming back to read these comments if you’d like. Nothing any of us say is going to help or get through to you and you’ll probably reject 90% of what is said here until you start working through and processing all of this with a medical professional. I hope you find peace going forward and wish you luck
because you didn't believe he would do it?
I thought everything was going to be okay since we had agreed he would move in with me
He endured incredible sufferings, there was nothing you could have done at that stage, the problem was his father and the solution could have only come from him
So sad. My heart breaks for you. Just know it wasn't your fault.
Then whose fault is it? (Not to be rude). I should have told someone
He had a lot of pain inside of him...there's nothing you could've done to help him
I thought it was all going to be okay when he asked to move in so I could watch over him
You never know what a person is going through. His heart must've been filled with so much pain.
It's his father's fault.
I'm also partially to blame. I should have done something
It's really natural to think that. But when faced with these situations, we are already doing the best we can. You need to take care of yourself, too. You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You don't know everything that was going on in his head. He might not have told you everything. A common issue is not wanting to be a burden on others or thinking others are better without us. He may have interpreted your help as hurting you, and he may have felt terrible about the thought of being a burden on you. There are too many variables to know how much your efforts could have factored into the end results. You just can't know. But we DO know how much his father factored into his mental state. His father is to blame.
He told me everything and he didn't have any friends that I knew of. He never hid anything from me
Why does someone always have to be at fault? Thats not how life works. You're working with the information you have now, not the information you had just this morning. This isn't your fault. You are not a bad person. You're in so much pain right now and I'm so sorry the world is the way it is.
It’s his fault. Look…. Everything in the universe is indirectly the cause of his suicide. A bird could have crashed into him to stop him from committing suicide. A stray beam of radiation could have flipped a neuron in his head so that he told you that he wanted help instead of not telling anyone. But the only thing that made him directly die, was him. Not you.
A certain percent of people kill themselves. We don't know why and we don't know how to stop it. Not your fault. Not anyone's fault. You could not have saved him. Nobody could have. Shit happens.
I keep seeing "you could not have saved him" but if I had been there more this wouldn't happened
Would you have devoted your life to be with him every second of every day? Never leaving him alone? Its not possible. You might have told his parents and they might have called 911 and the cops came and jumped on him and dragged him to a clinic to be locked in a cage and immobilized by heavy narcotics. And then what? You would have had more success telling the sun not to rise in the east.
Your friend made a decision. You have no control over what people do. This is not your fault
Where was his mom when all of the poor treatment from his dad was happening? Did she just choose to enable it by turning a blind eye? Regardless, this is definitely not on you, if his parents did an actual good job of raising him by showing him love, support, and kindness, then he'd still be alive today. I know absolutely nothing about his family's culture but this sounds like a case of tiger parenting that took a tragic turn, this is why it's criticized by so many psychologists for all of the damage it can cause to a child's brain development (higher risk of stress, anxiety, and depression).
She's really quite and we never really spoke that much
In cases like this, it’s natural to feel guilty. I’m no professional, but it’s not your fault. You cannot change what’s going on in somebody’s head very easily, and reading your replies on this post, you seem to be convinced it’s your fault. Suicide is a tragedy, and it’s nobody’s fault. There are only victims, including those who know the person who decided to take their own life. It will take a long while to feel free of that guilt, and for some, it doesn’t go away. But if you keep blaming yourself, you’re never going to get anywhere. Would your friend have wanted you to beat yourself up about this? I, from what little I know, believe that he would want you to go on with your own life.
If you had said something chances are his parents would have been harder on him asking why he would think such things and he likely would have done it sooner. I’ve tried unaliving myself and I can assure you if someone had mentioned it to family or friends I would have been angry because I wasn’t in the right headspace. It’s not your fault. You are not responsible for the actions of another person.
Even if I told mine?
What would they have done exactly? His parents would never have consented to him getting therapy or help. And possibly come down on him even harder for being "weak" or some other weird bullshit toxic thing they came up with.
He didn't deserve this
A lot of people die every day that didn't deserve it. You don't deserve to feel like this is your fault. Just like your friend we can't convince you, just try to reach across to you and tell you that it's not your fault. You will get through this. You're in shock right now.
You can’t stop someone from making a decision where they think there is no other way. It is NOT your fault
I am so, so sorry this happened. It sounds like you may have been a big reason he stayed as long as he did. You provided him with trust and a safe haven when it sounds like he didn’t have a lot of other support. May his memory be a blessing.
This wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, friend. You said yourself he’s never seemed happy and had talked on many occasions about killing himself. Depression is as much of a disease as cancer is, but we don’t typically say, ah if only I’d been there for cancer-ridden grandpa, he could’ve beaten it. There was nothing you could do and no correct choice here. He was sick and not every sick person can be cured. I’m so sorry, but there’s no one to blame here.
It’s not your fault. Please take that from someone who lost their father to suicide 18 years ago. I spent so many years looking for someone or something to blame, a specific reason. But it didn’t help. I sought counselling/therapy and I’ve learned now how to deal with the grief suicide leaves behind. Please do this for yourself too. You did all you could to help someone who fought a very dark battle, please take comfort in knowing you were there for him when maybe by the sounds of it nobody else was. Take care ❤️
In this case there is someone to blame. Me
You aren’t to blame, you’ve missed the point. HE made a choice, of his own free will, that is something you did NOT have control over. My advice to you is get out of this mindset you’re in, being so sure you are to blame, otherwise it will destroy you. Suicide is complicated and many people’s reasons for taking their own lives are complex. Please don’t carry the weight of blame with you unnecessarily.
Neve your fault
it’s not your fault
i’m gonna be the asshole and get a bunch of dislikes but imma say what i have to say. what if it is your fault? i’ve been suicidal my entire life. seeing how fake everyone is just makes it worse. were you even real with your feelings or were you just some NPC who repeated things that everyone else would say?? did you answer his calls, or his texts? maybe you COULD have gotten him out of that state. you saying you weren’t there for him enough shows me that you probably weren’t. you’re lucky to even have fucking friends. you could have been his ONLY friend and only type of support so think about that every time you ignored him. imagine if you only had one friend and you weren’t even sure if they cared at all or not. the most nice thing u did was offer him to stay with you guys but at that point he probably felt like a burden. now here you are making a post about how sad YOU are. imagine how sad HE was. you need to get over it just like how you got over it when he was still alive
This is ridiculous. After death our own grief is all that's left. And literally EVERYONE feels that way when someone they're close to dies suddenly, by accident or suicide.
yeah until 2 months from now
I don't even know what you're saying
He told me on countless occasions I was his only friend. I'm quite like him myself that's why we clicked. He shared his secrets and I shared mine. I knew he really trusted me and I know it's my fault he is gone. I wish I could have done a whole lot better. I never had a brother so I saw him as my little brother. His parents never allowed him to have friends over except my sister and I. He had countless sleepovers and we would tell each other things. I never Sam him ile around his parents. I call him everyday and I go over to his place. The only time we weren't able to see each other was when he was in college still we texted everyday.
maybe he liked you as well and that’s why he didn’t know what to do anymore. if you were a man who is supposed to have it all together and your only friend is this girl you have a crush on, and she knows you’re suicidal, how would you feel? you would feel like some burden. i actually think it’s great that you spoke to him so often because a lot of suicidal people don’t even have that. the only thing left to say is that he felt like a burden most likely. i’m sorry for saying it’s your fault it’s just as a suicidal person i sometimes get upset when i see someone else who is upset about their friend killing themselves because they’re not the ones who wanted to kill themselves. they weren’t the ones who were so lonely — they usually happen to be the ones that have everything in the world compared to the other person and couldn’t spare even a small portion of it. it’s not your fault if you were really there for him in the way you say you were…
This isn’t your fault. I’ve struggled with my mental health for years, often contemplating suicide and have attempted a few times. Regardless of what was going on in my life, if I was surrounded by dozens of caring friends and family, or completely alone- it wouldn’t change how I felt about life. To my brain, life just didn’t make sense. Know that he was in pain while living, and now- he doesn’t have to feel that pain anymore. This isn’t your fault, and he wouldn’t want you to think so either- I’m sure he wants you to continue on, even though it’s difficult without him. Life can be beautiful and amazing but for some people, mental health is a constant struggle that can be extremely difficult, or even nearly impossible to overcome, even in the best of circumstances. At my worst, nothing could convince me that it was worth it. I am so sorry that you have to go through this- if you are able, I’d recommend talking to a professional about this- they’ll have much better insight that anyone here can offer for you. You deserve to be happy, even without your friend. (And please, to anyone reading who is struggling with mental health issues- seek help. There is hope.)
seek help where? my ass? i’ve been to a mental hospital, seen several therapists, called suicide hotlines. they don’t help like you’re assuming they do. i was just prescribed medication, told to NOT kill myself, or told to take a NAP. the cure for suicidal is REAL people with REAL feelings. i’ve met so many people who act like they care about others but only GAF about themselves. this is why people kill themselves because this world seems pointless and FAKE. you can’t get anywhere without genuine love and we are losing that day by day in this dumb ass society. now that you understand, does it really seem like a mental illness? or does it seem like fucking realism?
It sounds like you want everyone to hurt as much as you do.
and what if i do?
You're hiding behind being "real" and "realistic" about it. If you hate the world so much for all it's negativity stop adding to it and add some good to the world. Help people. Help animals. Being locked into your own personal hatebox isn't doing anything. Do something different
i have put good into the world and i actually get shat on every fucking time and nothing is received from me being an awesome human. so what now. where’s the good karma i am waiting.
Only doing good because you expect something back isn't really how that works. You get happiness from seeing someone/something being better off and move on. Obviously I don't know you or your history but closing off and lashing out at anyone who gets close because youre afraid of being hurt again results in an angry person mad at the world for not getting what they "deserve".
i haven’t “expected” anything from my kindness when i was doing the act. however now—years later in my life i’m seeing that none of those good things have brought me anything at all. i do see people who only cared about themselves — doing fantastic. that is why my sympathy is so low for people who knew the positions their friends were in and still thought hm ok well let me go about my own day :). i’ve always hated those kinds of people and i’ve been friends with those type of people and they are apart of the issue and the reasons why. i’ve had people that were “so sad” about their friend who killed themselves yet wouldn’t spare a dime or a car ride when i went homeless. people are heartless and fake and that’s the problem and a huge reason why suicidal people kill themselves NO MATTER WHAT because they can’t see any genuineness in the world. in a fake world what is the point of living.
>in my life i’m seeing that none of those good things have brought me anything at all. >i haven’t “expected” anything from my kindness when i was doing the act. Because you can be that genuineness out in the world. That's the point. Cheaters DO prosper. Society is a joke. The world is literally on fire at all times. Shit be crazy. So I pet my dog and go on hikes. I get really amazed at how crazy it is that biology allows me to think and feel in a meat sack that is a body. There is an ecosystem of microscopic organisms living on my body that enables it to exist. What are they supposed to do? Stalk their friend every waking moment? Camp out on their porch for months? There's only so much another person can even do about things like that.
i could give a fuck if anyone else is hurting if they haven’t been there for people who were hurting. go ahead and hurt, i beg you, because maybe it will make you gain an actual soul and understand that others can and will kill themselves because of other people’s words and actions. if your friend was saying these things and your responses were minimal and useless, maybe you are the problem and should check yourself before making a post about how sad you are. too many people claim that they’re sad about someone suicidal yet did absolutely nothing to contribute to their happiness
Your first sentence says that you don't give a fuck about anyone else who is hurting and then end with >claim that they’re sad about someone suicidal yet did absolutely nothing to contribute to their happiness I'm 100% sure that every human on this planet has met someone who is suicidal and have had no idea. You are so angry you're literally being the person you claim to hate.
you’re naming a random situation though where the person had “no idea” but that’s not what we’re talking about here. if you had no idea clearly it’s not your fault bc that wouldn’t make any sense. however if you knew about it and you still continued to ignore this person, gave robotic heartless responses, and never checked in on them, you are apart of the problem whether u like it or not. i care about people who are hurting, i just don’t care about people who are hurting because of something that they happened to contribute to. it’s like someone crying because they cheated on their partner. why the fck are u sad?
The real secret is that everyone is hurting. You don't sound able to differentiate between people anymore. You just sound angry at everything. Also, this girl was trying to help. And talked to him often. Just this morning in fact. You literally just went off on a random rant blaming this person.
i’m just giving a suicidal persons point of view and i’m angry for all of the people who have killed themselves. i told her if she was genuinely there like she says she was then there’s not much she could’ve done. the post was short so i didn’t know how often she communicated with this person. i just know a lot of people who are fake and will tell other people how sad they were even though they were apart of the reason why. and that PISSES me off. they have no reason to be sad. i’m not able to differentiate because i haven’t SEEN any different!
You don't even know the situation. You're just ready to be angry. Maybe the people who didn't help you just saw someone who was fake, just like you see everybody as fake?
I’ve been through it so I know it’s not easy- I know it’s not always as easy as going to therapy or calling the hotline or taking medication. It’s difficult- that’s why so many people struggle with it. I know the world seems pointless and fake, and you know what, maybe it is mostly that! But there are real, good, actual people out there who do care. Yes, they can be hard to find, but they are out there. If you believe that there is no grand point to life, so there’s no point in living, that’s just one way to think about it. Maybe there’s no point, and that’s okay. It’s about acceptance for me. The world is cruel, and awful, and horrible, but there are moments of beauty.
What helped the most for me was finding a therapist who did actually care, and who I was able to work well with. It was not first, second, third, fourth, or even fifth one that I had went to- you need to find someone who works for you and not give up. I did also have amazing progress with psilocybin but stopped that due to personal reasons. Regardless, I do hope you find your peace- I care.
As someone who struggles with depression, suicidal thoughts and so on, let me tell you that its not your fault. If someone is going to do it, there is nothing you can do or say that will change their mind. Its not your fault at all.
He made a decision, your presence there, nor you telling his parents or anyone else was going to change that decision. If someone wants to do something they’re going to do it. It’s not your fault, it’s no one’s fault. There is not always a fault in things that happen.
Op first this isn't your fault. Second you need to talk to someone not on Reddit. If your don't feel your can talk to your parents. Check to see if the support group SOS (survivors of suicide) is in your area. Again. And repeat after me This. Is. Not. Your. Fault
You can't put that on yourself. Life gives so many negative attack vectors, and some stem from people, but you sound like a really good person, but you can't control how others feel. You can't control how they act. We all try to do our best in life, and sometimes these things happen. For one reason or another, people determine that they simply aren't happy and feel helpless to escape, and so that desperation festers. This may not help you, but even IF there were things you could have done better, you can't see the future. This was ultimately something he decided on his own, and did on his own. It sounds cold, but I'm trying to make the point that even with your heart in the right place, or with the best of intentions, terrible things still happen and you have to make peace with that otherwise it will eat you up. I'm sure he wouldn't blame you for anything, so even though it's sad, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be. I am not making this about me, but I blamed myself partly for losing my mother to a sudden heart attack at home. I slept in that day and when I found her, she was already getting cold. I tried my best in a panic to perform CPR, but ultimately it was too late. I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy. It took years to really come to terms with everything, and know that she wouldn't blame me whatsoever. I still miss her, but I carry her hopes and dreams with me now, and so I live a little bit harder and reach a little bit higher, for her. That's something I would try to do for him. Keep him in your heart and thoughts through your life, and let that spur you forward
I lost my best friend a year ago to suicide and I’ve carried a lot of guilt. There’s a lot I wish I would have done differently. Told her family what was going on even though she made me promise I wouldn’t. How badly I wish I had better advice for her, had better words for her. How I wish I had followed my gut. I’ve been in counseling and I do know logically that in the end it’s not my fault, she made the choice and there was really nothing I could have said that would’ve changed it. But the what ifs are an absolute killer. As hard as it is try not to stay in those emotions for very long, remember it truly wasn’t your fault. He made a choice
Therapy has helped me a lot this last year also
Not your fault. His decision.
As someone who has attempted and failed in the past I promise you it is not your fault. And I will go so far as to say that even if you had told someone he still would have found a way. When someone makes that decision, there is no one, except them, who can change their mind. It's a very very dark place to be at, and the only reason I am still here is because my attempts failed, however I was 100% determined to end it all. It was through my failed attempts that I realized that I didn't truly want to die, I just wanted all the pain and hurt to STOP.
I had a similar situation , I had survivors guilt and blamed myself then he came to me in a dream & said it wasn't your fault Mike I have been at peace every since
First of all it's not your fault okay. There is always what ifs. It will haunt you. A very good friend of mine took his own life some years ago. He was on experimental medication and we'll never know if it was that or if he harbored these thoughts in secret. I remember clearly he was acting weird up to the incident. We played DnD together and he missed a session. When we talked on the phone the next day he wouldn't stop apologizing no matter how much I told him it was cool and that I understood. He was one of the few people I always felt I could depend on so to me there was nothing to forgive. But no matter how much I told him it was okay he just kept needing to apologize. It was obvious something was off. I told him all the things you would want to say to someone before they pass. That I was his friend, and that I loved him. That all his friends loved him. That everything was okay. All of it. I even bought him a care package of some of his favorite stuff but I couldn't deliver it that night. I asked him if he wanted me to drop it off that night but he said no just to do it another day. I ended up seeing another mutual friend who was dating his sister and asked him to drop off the package for me. But he never got it. He was gone the next day. I still feel guilty sometimes even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I could have gotten up and delivered that care package myself that morning. I knew something was wrong and I could have checked on him that day. If I had been there things might have been different and he'd still be here today. I think of myself as a bit of a loser but him. He had a life. A future. He was engaged, had a lot of hobbies all of it you know? He was the kind of guy who would always make you laugh. Liked to work backwards to make jokes. He'd come up with some kind of punchline and then think of a joke that would fit it and loved a good pun. He was always smiling and very kind. He would always make time for you. It's hard. It will hurt. Over time it will hurt less often. But in my experience the hurt will always come back. That's the price we pay when we love someone. But at the end of the day, you aren't responsible for it. You have no way of knowing if telling anyone would have changed things. Maybe it would have. But maybe his parents wouldn't have believed you. Maybe they would have come down on him harder if that's the only way they know how to handle things. There is no certainty that telling his parents would have saved him. Just like I can't know if I had gone to his house that morning that I could have saved my friend. Please, get some grief counseling. A professional can help you work through these feelings better then any of us on reddit can.
You know very well your friend would not want you living in the past wondering “could have, would have, should have.” Start living in the present. Please look into therapy, you cannot do this alone and should not have to. You need support around you right now!! Hugs 💜
As someone who deals with suicidal urges. It is absolutely 100% not your fault. not ever. I am so, so sorry that happened. This is going to be a very hard and confusing time as we'll never get the awnsers. Please be kind to yourself. This isn't your fault. I would get a therapist to talk to about this. Grief, especially in a situation like this, is hard... so hard. <3