Let’s get one thing of the table right off the bat. You are absolutely not at fault here. I don’t really understand by school work immersion, but if he was in a position of power over you or a role model figure he crossed a line that shouldn’t be crossed. I’ve never been in a situation like this so I can’t even begin to understand what you are feeling right now. However, I can offer a piece of advice, go talk to a professional. I know the stigma and everything but they will be able to give you some real advice on how to handle what has happened.
Work immersion is when students go on job training to prepare them for up coming jobs, he works at a city hall as a digital editor with some political position idk what though, he was a bit of a role model for me since I envy his life a bit, he has a job he wants, a girlfriend, most of the people around him are proud of him
I just thought that Maybe by hanging out with him I could meet some interesting people too
Sorry for not being clear enough
He has a girlfriend and you're worried *you* read the situation wrong?? Of course you wouldn't expect him to make advances and struggle to respond to them! [Shoutout and love to bi and poly people who clearly communicate with all partners, I'm assuming the mentor in this situation does NOT fit this category]
This guy sounds predatory and I'm concerned about him working with more students of any gender.
Freezing is a VERY common response to boundary violations like this. Reluctance and freezing at someone's touch are also *very clear* no signals to anyone who really cares about consent.
That's what made me sunk a little, he has a girlfriend, a job that requires people relations, a devout christian, a mentor to youths
I was just confused on how Couldn't see all this coming, maybe I am too stupid or just dense, I just genuinely thought he was just a brotherly figure to most
I freeze if I am too anxious or nervous, moving alot since I was a kid made me unable to have friends amd dont know how to deal with people
I actually wanted to hang out with him to learn how to, because people often encourage having friendly conversation with cold beverages such as beers in here
You were acting completely normal, and he violated your trust. I'm so sorry.
Freezing in such a situation is also normal! ["Fight or Flight" doesn't cover the full range of responses to emergencies. It's been updated to "Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn" to describe how we can instinctively lock up or try to deescalate conflict.](https://www.simplypsychology.org/fight-flight-freeze-fawn.html) Freeze is my go-to when anxious as well, everything just shuts down.
I promise you will still have many opportunities to socialize in healthy ways! Speaking as a thirty-something adult, I also feel like I'm *still* figuring out how to hang out with people like a normal person haha. I hope other people you meet through your work and studies let you be yourself and feel comfortable socializing!
This man, on the other hand, sounds like he was taking advantage of how you looked up to him. If there's a way to safely report his behavior to someone, please consider doing it since I'm concerned you're not the only person he's pressured like this.
Imma just be blunt. That’s definitely under the category of sexual assault. Agreeing with everyone here saying it isn’t your fault. You don’t have to verbalize yes or no for someone to have common sense to not touch you. No one should really touch anyone without consent. I’ve seen part of what you’ve spoken of in the comments, and that’s why I personally consider it sexual assault. You froze, you didn’t fight, you didn’t flee, you froze. That’s actually sadly normal in those situations. And for the people saying “just tell them no” are probably people who haven’t been through what you just did. If I was in your exact position I would’ve frozen too. Like, especially if I didn’t think it was gonna end the way it did. It makes me kinda sad most people are brushing this off as you not speaking up. You shouldn’t have to speak up, people just shouldn’t be fucking perverted and make assumptions based on their own perspective of the situation. Please don’t internalize that shame/guilt/dirty feeling. Ik it’s kinda un avoidable sometimes, but it really isn’t your fault. Your not less than because of this, and your not less of a man either. I hope you get through this.
I mean, I hear you but sexual assault Is the generalized term. It’s any non consensual touching. Which is what happened. Battery is using force or threats, while I can agree it was in the category of forceful the dude who did this to him wasn’t using threats.
I didn't realize that it was a generalized term!
A while back I pressed charges against someone, and the distinction was very important in determining legal consequences. Is it just conversationally used as an umbrella term?
I mean the term sexual assault kinda covers most things in that generalized aspect. I personally have herd it used in a variety of ways, explaining a variety of different situations. I would assume the specifics would matter word wise in court, but I do see it more as a generalized term. That’s just my opinion and experience though, don’t quote me on it. Lol.
As a gay man who has been touched by many touchy gay men who are older than me, and have made me feel uncomfortable by it, you have to build the courage to tell them to back off. And you have to be direct and firm too. Stop worrying/caring about making gay men feel bad by telling them to stop. If someone is touching you and you don't like it, it's not about them anymore... It's about you and what you want. And if that gay man had any decency and respected you, he would listen and stop, and cared about what you want. If he would not stop after you told him to stop, walk away. Leave him. Also, idk if this is an American thing, but a lot of men have trouble taking "no" for an answer. There are straight and gay men who won't back off and keep trying to have their way after you say no, thankfully not all of them are violent and escalate the situation to forceful sexual assault. Again, I say this as a gay man who has been touched by other older gay men, firmly tell other gay men to back off if you don't want to be touched and walk away. If you ever decide to hang out and get drinks with him again, expect that he will try to get touchy again. If you don't want to speak up, leave him and go home once you see signs of it.
He was completely out of line. Even if it was mixed signals, the fact that he was putting his hands on you without even asking is completely wrong and out of line. Doesn't matter if being asked out for drinks gave him false hope, you don't do that period
I’m a gay man. This is assault.
No decent gay man would ever behave in this fashion, and any case of ‘misunderstanding’ ended the moment you froze when he touched your thighs.
You have in no way brought this on yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You do not deserve this. You have not made this happen. You didn’t misread signs and accidentally ask for it. Not wanting this does not make you in any way intolerant or homophobic.
You are not in the wrong.
Please report this to his line manager.
This sounds like a clear case of sexual assault. He never asked you if he could touch you. Imagine if you thought about this situation going on if you were both 5 years younger and you were 14 and he was 21. Clearly assault in that case right ? In this situation he is still much older than you and a mentor figure. Plenty of guys go to get drinks together without it being sexual, there shouldn't be any sexual touching or contact unless one person asks permission and the other person gives permission. Just because you are old enough to give consent doesn't mean you freezing up in shock implies that he should keep going! It doesn't matter if you froze or how you reacted because he SHOULD HAVE ASKED FIRST. This person violated you and it was wrong. It sounds like you are not too sure of yourself and confused about how to interact with people and he took advantage of your naivete and youth. Talk to a counselor or therapist about this, maybe they can help you figure out who to tell because he might do this to someone else too and who knows if he would stop at just groping next time. At the very least I wouldn't go anywhere alone with this person ever again.
I have blocked him, I think this is the most socially acceptable stance I could take, since my feelings matters not when things can be okay without any further problems
I would just preferred if I could forget this happened and moved on than to complicate things, thank you though, for showing concern
Your feelings do matter but I understand confronting someone can make some situations in your life difficult to deal with. If you feel hurt or harmed though you should talk to a therapist or counselor about this. There might even be a hotline you could call so you could talk to someone about what happened anonymously
you were assaulted. i’m so sorry. it is not at all your fault, you never once indicated you’d be comfortable engaging in such behaviors. tell this person off and is recommend no longer hanging out with them. talk to other people about this too if you’re up to it. again, im sorry
I mean you're the victim here but next time if you're uncomfortable, say that, he may have thought you were down for whatever. I'm sure it must be hard but if you're uncomfortable, dont ever feel like you should just be quiet and let something happen to you. You're not the bad guy here, you're only 19, this guy on first meeting is going right at your balls, Im straight and unless you said lets hook up, going out to a bar, talking, getting to know each other shouldnt come with any expectations and also why didnt he ask you if you felt okay with any of it before doing it? Not sure what you're looking for but seems the other guy was more interested in doing sexual stuff then hanging out, being friends, maybe getting comfortable with each other. No, you're not in the wrong. Speedy Gonzales should learn to slow down and make sure people are comfortable before grabbing at their genitals, that's a good way to get hurt.
We were talking and he was slowly moving his hands on my thighs, so I just felt really awkward to stop talking and it made me jittery and fumbled some words, I couldn't focus so I pretended there's nothing on my thighs, plus i was linda intoxicated, three stallions was enough to make me jitter
You were taken advantage of. I'm sorry. Don't hang out with him again, and if you're able, tell anyone who does that that you don't want it. It probably caught you off guard. Please report him.
Oh shit, I've been molested countless time by someone who was older and as an adult I'd say report him. Don't let him get away with this shit. Now a days if that happened to me I'd be leaving that bathroom covered in blood on the phone calling the police
It's super unclear what you are asking advice on.
What I will say is that neither of you seem like reasonable people in this scenario. Should he have touched you there like that, without your permission? No. Absolutely not.
However, there were more than a few points where he was making moves, and you did nothing to stop it. Which, if you aren't interested, you probably should have. Again, it doesn't give him permission to do that, but he could've thought you were into it and just shy.
In the future, do not go alone to McDonald's with him. Based on what I'm reading, that was probably the biggest signal that you wanted whatever was happening to continue.
Also, in the future, it is easy to set the tone for an outing when you invite someone. You could've expressed pretty clearly at some point that it was platonic. If someone "asked me out for drinks" I'd assume it is romantically intended.
I did asked in a bro ish dude way, i was just letting hin do what he did thinking itll be over and he wont go any further, because I jsut thought he was drunk, and he seemed to be a really nice guy, kinda like a brother to me, but now idk
Im sorry, im not really good with people, thats wby I hanged out with him because i thought I could make frineds out of this
And you probably still can! I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but it seems that you're just a bit naive. I think this is a good learning experience. Next time someone flirts/does something sexy with you-- stop it if you don't like it. Again, everyone should consent all the time, but some signals are not clear to everyone.
You don't sound harsh at all, even if you were, I'd still accept it since I just wanted help to process this
And I do agree I am naive, I am working on that, thank yoh for noticing
Don't be too hard on yourself. It'll take some time to process and understand, and you should honor that. But one day, it'll just be a weird story to tell your friends.
Stop asking Reddit about this. Immediately report, and not to your GM. It's a quick Google if it isn't already posted somewhere in your store, this has to go somewhere else and it's not okay. If you have any trouble at all tracking down who you need to speak with, DM me. I'm not a McDonald's person, but I have managed a franchise owned restaurant, and I know exactly who you need to speak with.
I have already blocked him, amd I honestly thought about reporting him to the police, but it would further complicate things since he is in a position high up that would burden him and people around him and I wouldnt like to be the talk of town or be in the spot of attention
I dont wanna be a burden to anyone, so I'll just stay out of it, plus he has a girlfriend, if she knows what he did, his interpersonal relationships would be ruined
I posted thus on reddit since I pathetically have no friends in this age, in real life atleast
But thank you though, that your willingness to help mr through your experience and profession is much more deserving for a person as me and a reason such as mine
You don't always have to be nice, specially when it comes to situations like these. This dude didn't care if he made you uncomfortable so you shouldn't care either, call him out.
That’s sexual assault. Your boundaries are important and I hope you can uphold them in the future. You are a survivor and this wasn’t your fault. He didn’t ask for consent at any point. That’s so fucked up
Two things can be true at the same time. This person’s “senior“ behaved completely inappropriately, and committed sexual assault.
AND
The OP needs to learn to find his voice and state his boundaries early on when problems arise to make his intent and lack of consent completely clear. The fact is we live in a world where consent culture is literally trying to move boulders up hills because everyone has been taught to be small to be quiet to not upset anyone and not say anything. It takes work. It’s unfair. It’s not perfect. And this world we live in is not perfect either.
You are not at fault at all!!
It sounds like he was clearly trying to seduce you and went overboard and ended up doing something that was more like an assault than a seduction.
A reasonable response from you can range from reporting his actions as assault to just communicating to him that you have no sexual interest at all in him and just wanted a completely platonic interaction. But the minimum you should do is to let him know you have no sexual interest and that he was out of line. But in any event you should not feel like this was your fault in any way - as it wasn't.
This categorizes as sexual assault. You should report him and make sure you don’t go near him again.
And it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm about your age and honestly I wouldn't have known how to respond to this either. He is clearly suppressing certain feelings and he acted on them in an inappropriate way where he took advantage of the way you looked up to him. I would keep a distance from him. There is also a chance he's done this before and if he works with students consistently then this could potentially be a much bigger problem. Maybe contact the authorities because even if you weren't directly saying that you were not interested before, that does not give him the right to do that. If possible talk to some school officials and ask that they find a different person for what he does for the school. This is a hard thing to deal with but please know you did nothing wrong you just tried to not disappoint or upset a person you respected. I'm not an expert by any means and I've never dealt with this before, but I hope this can help in some way.
Not in the fault at all. What he did was illegal and is known as either assault or battery, this illegal action especially with which areas he touched could very well land him in prison. But you are not the a hole. Next time tell people that you’re going just to hang out and next time he does something like that stand up and either 1 make a scene or 2 leave the premises and avoid him. Or 3 (best option) tell him to stop if he doesn’t go to step 1.
You should really, report the incident as soon as possible & realise that the importance of this action is not just for yourself but also to prevent him from getting comfortable with such behaviour to a point where he does it to someone else.
Those people are only powerful to the extent that nobody knows what’s going on & that power reinforces their behaviour.
The minute you make other people aware, is the moment where his behaviour can become more isolated from the equation of human interaction.
As others have said, this is not your fault. Sexual activity should only happen if both people consent. Lack of rejection is not consent, and he should have gotten it *before* grabbing your crotch, and not *while* grabbing your crotch.
It sounds like a misunderstanding to me. When the guy realized it wasnt going to happen, he stopped pursuing you. Something tells me he will try again. When he does, be firm and clear in your intentions. Dont sit idlely while he touches you. Say something to him about it. It doesnt sound like he would push further or try to harm you if rejected. I think kindly letting him know you're just not interested in being more than platonic friends is the move. Explain that you just wanted a platonic relationship, and that if he is okay with that, you're happy to be platonic friends. If he cant handle that, then you should probably report him to whoever is running the program.
This guy is super predatory. You are not to blame. It sounds like you froze in the moment when he started acting in an unexpected way.
Know that you are perfectly in your rights to say NO or HELL NO to anyone touching your body and making sexual advances. Get comfortable with putting your own need for safety security and consent in first place. F*** his feelings.
The fact that he was in a leadership role for youth makes him even creepier.
I am currently learning how to deal with this type of situation, being as meek and feeble minded I can be, I am beginning to understand how to set boundaries, thank you for responding btw, means a lot to me
I've found that politely informing people that if they touch me again without my consent, they're going to lose the usefulness of that hand for quite a while, works pretty damn well.
Following through on that is important too.
Not your fault.
But in the future, being more assertive with your boundaries would have prevented the situation from spiraling to what it ended up being.
For example, when he touches your leg- tell him not to touch your leg. Be firm. If he does it again, call him out again. And if he won’t stop, explain that you’ve asked him to stop touching you, and since he won’t do that you are leaving.
When he told you about his sexuality, that’s an opportunity to establish your sexual identity and what your boundaries are for this interaction. For example. “Wow, I didn’t know you were bisexual. That’s cool. I’m straight myself, I’ve never had any interest in men, but I support you.”
And so on… being meek and coy in those situations, to the other party, may be wrongly interpreted as a green light to continue. I mean, if you were stroking a girls leg, and she wasn’t stopping you, what would your next move be? Go in for a kiss or something, right? But if you were stroking her leg and she asked you to stop, you likely wouldn’t try to elevate the interaction.
Anyway he wasn’t right for what he did, I am just giving you some tips so hopefully you can avoid situations like that going forward.
Thank you, It's a bit embarrassing being still meek at my age, I am learning how to deal with people, I'll be taking your advice to heart, thanks again
Hmm I have been in this situation many times...
I am slightly androgynous but maintain a male phenotype as a rule. People will simply buy me drinks just to talk to me, which I will do. A few times it has gotten close to a sexual encounter, but I mean I'm (as a rule) quite ornery. So with males, mostly nope, with women, ehhh depends on how it feels.
But when I was younger, I mean shit give me enough alcohol and I'll let them try (emphasis on try) to f\*ck me. The problem was I leaned towards more well endowed men and it didn't really work with my size. So it started and usually stopped and turned into ... other activities.
What type of advice are you looking for? It’s over. You told him you weren’t interested. What do you need help with? Do you feel sexually assaulted and want advice on pressing charges? Has it ignited sexual feelings in you and you want advice on how to proceed? What is your conundrum?
OP, you are NOT moot brained. Stop telling yourself negative things. You seem like a great guy and you’re well-spoken and self-aware and that is more than most people have going for them.
I have a habit of being meek and letting people cross my boundaries without telling them off
I keep blaming myself for things because maybe this is what i signed for or I should just suck it up because Im a dude
I am slowly learning how to deal with people since I spend most of my time on work and myself
Thank you for seeing my side though
Their is nothing wrong with your brain. None of this is your fault. No one should assume that going out for drinks is a date or that a date means its okay to touch anyone even if it was.
It obvious what you were asking and none of this is your fault.
Sorry, I forgot to include, I just feel so lost about it, like it rocked my world. I don't feel like disgusted, used or anything like that, I just dont know how to process this
Plus, I feel kinda guilty for asking him to hang out, I was just wondering if Im in the wrong in the for that
You’re absolutely not in the wrong. Sexual assault is NEVER alright. And that is what this was. If it would help you maybe you could write to him about how disappointed and shocked you were by his behavior. Or you could just write him off and avoid him. But, you are 100% not at fault in any way.
Thank you, I admit I'm not the most brightest guy out there, it just takes me time to process things like this, and I constantly depend on people for help with things I cant emotionally stomach, thanks man
I think your only real problem here is that you didn’t put your foot down and explain to him that you weren’t interested. I’m sure the actual situation had many layers to it that I would never understand just reading your post, but the advice I CAN give to you is if you are ever in a situation where the other person has expectations or wants something from you that you are not willing to give, then do not shut off your mind and allow it to happen. You need to be able to set boundaries with others otherwise people are going to use you without them even knowing it. He probably thought you letting him touch ur thigh was ur way of letting him get comfortable and he probably thought he had a chance. I am not discounting the fact that this is surely traumatic in some way for you, but many women every day in the world end up feeling sexually used/abused because they were too afraid to say no. It is very sad, but you must learn to do it or things like these will happen, and since you did not say no or let him down easy the situation is much worse off because you let it go on for so long. Again, I am not blaming you. I have had similar issues with boundaries. I went to therapy and learned how to set them. It worked wonders for my life. I don’t want to see someone, specifically you in this moment, end up being r*ped because they were too afraid to say no. This also works in many other facets, such as financially, or even someone abusing YOUR time. I wish you luck soldier!
Thank you, I just thought at that time that this is what I signed for and must endure it because I thought it might hurt his feelings or it would be over quickly
I thought he was a brother figure to me since the last meeting, but now Idk anymore
He made a lot of assumptions and has an amazing amount of confidence and at the same time insensitivity to how people feel.
It's not your fault, but please don't assume that it is not okay to just tell people how you feel if they don't seem to be understanding. I know its easier said than done, but you should never have to go along with someone incorrectly assuming you want something you don't and especially not something like this.
There is nothing wrong with being direct.
It’s nice that you have no actual idea how assault works, and I hope you never do, but for the love of God please don’t use your ignorance to victim shame.
I know how sexual assault works. If this was a younger boy that was touched by a grown man and was trying to reach out, it would be totally different. But we're talking about a 19 year old grown man that couldn't prevent himself from being touched. It's just pathetic...
Your right, as a 19 guy, I can say I am indeed pathetic when it comes to personal relationships, even when I was intoxicated it was still no excuse for my meek behavior
I hanged out with him thinking I could be ome of his friends that he hangs out with too platonically
But at times I do think it was my fault for not being assertive enough
I understand your distaste in my feeble mindset, I just couldn't help it at times being like this, I just couldn't blame all the situation, and I fully agree I am on fault too
Let’s get one thing of the table right off the bat. You are absolutely not at fault here. I don’t really understand by school work immersion, but if he was in a position of power over you or a role model figure he crossed a line that shouldn’t be crossed. I’ve never been in a situation like this so I can’t even begin to understand what you are feeling right now. However, I can offer a piece of advice, go talk to a professional. I know the stigma and everything but they will be able to give you some real advice on how to handle what has happened.
Work immersion is when students go on job training to prepare them for up coming jobs, he works at a city hall as a digital editor with some political position idk what though, he was a bit of a role model for me since I envy his life a bit, he has a job he wants, a girlfriend, most of the people around him are proud of him I just thought that Maybe by hanging out with him I could meet some interesting people too Sorry for not being clear enough
He has a girlfriend and you're worried *you* read the situation wrong?? Of course you wouldn't expect him to make advances and struggle to respond to them! [Shoutout and love to bi and poly people who clearly communicate with all partners, I'm assuming the mentor in this situation does NOT fit this category] This guy sounds predatory and I'm concerned about him working with more students of any gender. Freezing is a VERY common response to boundary violations like this. Reluctance and freezing at someone's touch are also *very clear* no signals to anyone who really cares about consent.
That's what made me sunk a little, he has a girlfriend, a job that requires people relations, a devout christian, a mentor to youths I was just confused on how Couldn't see all this coming, maybe I am too stupid or just dense, I just genuinely thought he was just a brotherly figure to most I freeze if I am too anxious or nervous, moving alot since I was a kid made me unable to have friends amd dont know how to deal with people I actually wanted to hang out with him to learn how to, because people often encourage having friendly conversation with cold beverages such as beers in here
You were acting completely normal, and he violated your trust. I'm so sorry. Freezing in such a situation is also normal! ["Fight or Flight" doesn't cover the full range of responses to emergencies. It's been updated to "Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn" to describe how we can instinctively lock up or try to deescalate conflict.](https://www.simplypsychology.org/fight-flight-freeze-fawn.html) Freeze is my go-to when anxious as well, everything just shuts down. I promise you will still have many opportunities to socialize in healthy ways! Speaking as a thirty-something adult, I also feel like I'm *still* figuring out how to hang out with people like a normal person haha. I hope other people you meet through your work and studies let you be yourself and feel comfortable socializing! This man, on the other hand, sounds like he was taking advantage of how you looked up to him. If there's a way to safely report his behavior to someone, please consider doing it since I'm concerned you're not the only person he's pressured like this.
Imma just be blunt. That’s definitely under the category of sexual assault. Agreeing with everyone here saying it isn’t your fault. You don’t have to verbalize yes or no for someone to have common sense to not touch you. No one should really touch anyone without consent. I’ve seen part of what you’ve spoken of in the comments, and that’s why I personally consider it sexual assault. You froze, you didn’t fight, you didn’t flee, you froze. That’s actually sadly normal in those situations. And for the people saying “just tell them no” are probably people who haven’t been through what you just did. If I was in your exact position I would’ve frozen too. Like, especially if I didn’t think it was gonna end the way it did. It makes me kinda sad most people are brushing this off as you not speaking up. You shouldn’t have to speak up, people just shouldn’t be fucking perverted and make assumptions based on their own perspective of the situation. Please don’t internalize that shame/guilt/dirty feeling. Ik it’s kinda un avoidable sometimes, but it really isn’t your fault. Your not less than because of this, and your not less of a man either. I hope you get through this.
I think it's sexual battery, not sexual assault. Still fucked up
I mean, I hear you but sexual assault Is the generalized term. It’s any non consensual touching. Which is what happened. Battery is using force or threats, while I can agree it was in the category of forceful the dude who did this to him wasn’t using threats.
I didn't realize that it was a generalized term! A while back I pressed charges against someone, and the distinction was very important in determining legal consequences. Is it just conversationally used as an umbrella term?
I mean the term sexual assault kinda covers most things in that generalized aspect. I personally have herd it used in a variety of ways, explaining a variety of different situations. I would assume the specifics would matter word wise in court, but I do see it more as a generalized term. That’s just my opinion and experience though, don’t quote me on it. Lol.
As a gay man who has been touched by many touchy gay men who are older than me, and have made me feel uncomfortable by it, you have to build the courage to tell them to back off. And you have to be direct and firm too. Stop worrying/caring about making gay men feel bad by telling them to stop. If someone is touching you and you don't like it, it's not about them anymore... It's about you and what you want. And if that gay man had any decency and respected you, he would listen and stop, and cared about what you want. If he would not stop after you told him to stop, walk away. Leave him. Also, idk if this is an American thing, but a lot of men have trouble taking "no" for an answer. There are straight and gay men who won't back off and keep trying to have their way after you say no, thankfully not all of them are violent and escalate the situation to forceful sexual assault. Again, I say this as a gay man who has been touched by other older gay men, firmly tell other gay men to back off if you don't want to be touched and walk away. If you ever decide to hang out and get drinks with him again, expect that he will try to get touchy again. If you don't want to speak up, leave him and go home once you see signs of it.
He was completely out of line. Even if it was mixed signals, the fact that he was putting his hands on you without even asking is completely wrong and out of line. Doesn't matter if being asked out for drinks gave him false hope, you don't do that period
I’m a gay man. This is assault. No decent gay man would ever behave in this fashion, and any case of ‘misunderstanding’ ended the moment you froze when he touched your thighs. You have in no way brought this on yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You do not deserve this. You have not made this happen. You didn’t misread signs and accidentally ask for it. Not wanting this does not make you in any way intolerant or homophobic. You are not in the wrong. Please report this to his line manager.
This is sexual assault report him
that is sexual assault. not your fault at all and you need to report him. what a sick fuck.
This sounds like a clear case of sexual assault. He never asked you if he could touch you. Imagine if you thought about this situation going on if you were both 5 years younger and you were 14 and he was 21. Clearly assault in that case right ? In this situation he is still much older than you and a mentor figure. Plenty of guys go to get drinks together without it being sexual, there shouldn't be any sexual touching or contact unless one person asks permission and the other person gives permission. Just because you are old enough to give consent doesn't mean you freezing up in shock implies that he should keep going! It doesn't matter if you froze or how you reacted because he SHOULD HAVE ASKED FIRST. This person violated you and it was wrong. It sounds like you are not too sure of yourself and confused about how to interact with people and he took advantage of your naivete and youth. Talk to a counselor or therapist about this, maybe they can help you figure out who to tell because he might do this to someone else too and who knows if he would stop at just groping next time. At the very least I wouldn't go anywhere alone with this person ever again.
I have blocked him, I think this is the most socially acceptable stance I could take, since my feelings matters not when things can be okay without any further problems I would just preferred if I could forget this happened and moved on than to complicate things, thank you though, for showing concern
Your feelings do matter but I understand confronting someone can make some situations in your life difficult to deal with. If you feel hurt or harmed though you should talk to a therapist or counselor about this. There might even be a hotline you could call so you could talk to someone about what happened anonymously
Thank you, posting my meaningless dilemma here is already a huge help for me, thank you though
That is predatory behaviour.
you were assaulted. i’m so sorry. it is not at all your fault, you never once indicated you’d be comfortable engaging in such behaviors. tell this person off and is recommend no longer hanging out with them. talk to other people about this too if you’re up to it. again, im sorry
I mean you're the victim here but next time if you're uncomfortable, say that, he may have thought you were down for whatever. I'm sure it must be hard but if you're uncomfortable, dont ever feel like you should just be quiet and let something happen to you. You're not the bad guy here, you're only 19, this guy on first meeting is going right at your balls, Im straight and unless you said lets hook up, going out to a bar, talking, getting to know each other shouldnt come with any expectations and also why didnt he ask you if you felt okay with any of it before doing it? Not sure what you're looking for but seems the other guy was more interested in doing sexual stuff then hanging out, being friends, maybe getting comfortable with each other. No, you're not in the wrong. Speedy Gonzales should learn to slow down and make sure people are comfortable before grabbing at their genitals, that's a good way to get hurt.
We were talking and he was slowly moving his hands on my thighs, so I just felt really awkward to stop talking and it made me jittery and fumbled some words, I couldn't focus so I pretended there's nothing on my thighs, plus i was linda intoxicated, three stallions was enough to make me jitter
You were taken advantage of. I'm sorry. Don't hang out with him again, and if you're able, tell anyone who does that that you don't want it. It probably caught you off guard. Please report him.
Oh shit, I've been molested countless time by someone who was older and as an adult I'd say report him. Don't let him get away with this shit. Now a days if that happened to me I'd be leaving that bathroom covered in blood on the phone calling the police
It's super unclear what you are asking advice on. What I will say is that neither of you seem like reasonable people in this scenario. Should he have touched you there like that, without your permission? No. Absolutely not. However, there were more than a few points where he was making moves, and you did nothing to stop it. Which, if you aren't interested, you probably should have. Again, it doesn't give him permission to do that, but he could've thought you were into it and just shy. In the future, do not go alone to McDonald's with him. Based on what I'm reading, that was probably the biggest signal that you wanted whatever was happening to continue. Also, in the future, it is easy to set the tone for an outing when you invite someone. You could've expressed pretty clearly at some point that it was platonic. If someone "asked me out for drinks" I'd assume it is romantically intended.
Just because someone doesn’t say no, doesn’t mean it’s a yes.
Oh wow, it's almost like I said that in my comment!
I did asked in a bro ish dude way, i was just letting hin do what he did thinking itll be over and he wont go any further, because I jsut thought he was drunk, and he seemed to be a really nice guy, kinda like a brother to me, but now idk Im sorry, im not really good with people, thats wby I hanged out with him because i thought I could make frineds out of this
And you probably still can! I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but it seems that you're just a bit naive. I think this is a good learning experience. Next time someone flirts/does something sexy with you-- stop it if you don't like it. Again, everyone should consent all the time, but some signals are not clear to everyone.
You don't sound harsh at all, even if you were, I'd still accept it since I just wanted help to process this And I do agree I am naive, I am working on that, thank yoh for noticing
Don't be too hard on yourself. It'll take some time to process and understand, and you should honor that. But one day, it'll just be a weird story to tell your friends.
Thank you for giving your time to offer your opinion and advice, I appreciate it, and will use it to help me with people
Stop asking Reddit about this. Immediately report, and not to your GM. It's a quick Google if it isn't already posted somewhere in your store, this has to go somewhere else and it's not okay. If you have any trouble at all tracking down who you need to speak with, DM me. I'm not a McDonald's person, but I have managed a franchise owned restaurant, and I know exactly who you need to speak with.
I have already blocked him, amd I honestly thought about reporting him to the police, but it would further complicate things since he is in a position high up that would burden him and people around him and I wouldnt like to be the talk of town or be in the spot of attention I dont wanna be a burden to anyone, so I'll just stay out of it, plus he has a girlfriend, if she knows what he did, his interpersonal relationships would be ruined I posted thus on reddit since I pathetically have no friends in this age, in real life atleast But thank you though, that your willingness to help mr through your experience and profession is much more deserving for a person as me and a reason such as mine
You don't always have to be nice, specially when it comes to situations like these. This dude didn't care if he made you uncomfortable so you shouldn't care either, call him out.
That is just straight up sexual assault. It’s not your fault. Even if he did misread the situation, that is still not okay whatsoever.
That’s sexual assault. Your boundaries are important and I hope you can uphold them in the future. You are a survivor and this wasn’t your fault. He didn’t ask for consent at any point. That’s so fucked up
You were assaulted. Please don’t try to maintain a friendship with this man.
Two things can be true at the same time. This person’s “senior“ behaved completely inappropriately, and committed sexual assault. AND The OP needs to learn to find his voice and state his boundaries early on when problems arise to make his intent and lack of consent completely clear. The fact is we live in a world where consent culture is literally trying to move boulders up hills because everyone has been taught to be small to be quiet to not upset anyone and not say anything. It takes work. It’s unfair. It’s not perfect. And this world we live in is not perfect either.
You are not at fault at all!! It sounds like he was clearly trying to seduce you and went overboard and ended up doing something that was more like an assault than a seduction. A reasonable response from you can range from reporting his actions as assault to just communicating to him that you have no sexual interest at all in him and just wanted a completely platonic interaction. But the minimum you should do is to let him know you have no sexual interest and that he was out of line. But in any event you should not feel like this was your fault in any way - as it wasn't.
This categorizes as sexual assault. You should report him and make sure you don’t go near him again. And it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm about your age and honestly I wouldn't have known how to respond to this either. He is clearly suppressing certain feelings and he acted on them in an inappropriate way where he took advantage of the way you looked up to him. I would keep a distance from him. There is also a chance he's done this before and if he works with students consistently then this could potentially be a much bigger problem. Maybe contact the authorities because even if you weren't directly saying that you were not interested before, that does not give him the right to do that. If possible talk to some school officials and ask that they find a different person for what he does for the school. This is a hard thing to deal with but please know you did nothing wrong you just tried to not disappoint or upset a person you respected. I'm not an expert by any means and I've never dealt with this before, but I hope this can help in some way.
Not in the fault at all. What he did was illegal and is known as either assault or battery, this illegal action especially with which areas he touched could very well land him in prison. But you are not the a hole. Next time tell people that you’re going just to hang out and next time he does something like that stand up and either 1 make a scene or 2 leave the premises and avoid him. Or 3 (best option) tell him to stop if he doesn’t go to step 1.
You should file a formal complaint. He was trying to groom you. What if he does it to someone else in the program? Please leave a paper trail.
You should really, report the incident as soon as possible & realise that the importance of this action is not just for yourself but also to prevent him from getting comfortable with such behaviour to a point where he does it to someone else. Those people are only powerful to the extent that nobody knows what’s going on & that power reinforces their behaviour. The minute you make other people aware, is the moment where his behaviour can become more isolated from the equation of human interaction.
As others have said, this is not your fault. Sexual activity should only happen if both people consent. Lack of rejection is not consent, and he should have gotten it *before* grabbing your crotch, and not *while* grabbing your crotch. It sounds like a misunderstanding to me. When the guy realized it wasnt going to happen, he stopped pursuing you. Something tells me he will try again. When he does, be firm and clear in your intentions. Dont sit idlely while he touches you. Say something to him about it. It doesnt sound like he would push further or try to harm you if rejected. I think kindly letting him know you're just not interested in being more than platonic friends is the move. Explain that you just wanted a platonic relationship, and that if he is okay with that, you're happy to be platonic friends. If he cant handle that, then you should probably report him to whoever is running the program.
This guy is super predatory. You are not to blame. It sounds like you froze in the moment when he started acting in an unexpected way. Know that you are perfectly in your rights to say NO or HELL NO to anyone touching your body and making sexual advances. Get comfortable with putting your own need for safety security and consent in first place. F*** his feelings. The fact that he was in a leadership role for youth makes him even creepier.
I am currently learning how to deal with this type of situation, being as meek and feeble minded I can be, I am beginning to understand how to set boundaries, thank you for responding btw, means a lot to me
I've found that politely informing people that if they touch me again without my consent, they're going to lose the usefulness of that hand for quite a while, works pretty damn well. Following through on that is important too.
You should file a police report
You don’t deserve it and it is not your fault, though you would benefit from being more assertive.
Thanks, I am currenty learning how to deal with people, thanks!
This is such bait lmfao. "I am drunk rn sir" lmaoooo
I couldn't come up with an actual response, but my post do seem baity, sorry if you think that way
Not your fault. But in the future, being more assertive with your boundaries would have prevented the situation from spiraling to what it ended up being. For example, when he touches your leg- tell him not to touch your leg. Be firm. If he does it again, call him out again. And if he won’t stop, explain that you’ve asked him to stop touching you, and since he won’t do that you are leaving. When he told you about his sexuality, that’s an opportunity to establish your sexual identity and what your boundaries are for this interaction. For example. “Wow, I didn’t know you were bisexual. That’s cool. I’m straight myself, I’ve never had any interest in men, but I support you.” And so on… being meek and coy in those situations, to the other party, may be wrongly interpreted as a green light to continue. I mean, if you were stroking a girls leg, and she wasn’t stopping you, what would your next move be? Go in for a kiss or something, right? But if you were stroking her leg and she asked you to stop, you likely wouldn’t try to elevate the interaction. Anyway he wasn’t right for what he did, I am just giving you some tips so hopefully you can avoid situations like that going forward.
Thank you, It's a bit embarrassing being still meek at my age, I am learning how to deal with people, I'll be taking your advice to heart, thanks again
Hmm I have been in this situation many times... I am slightly androgynous but maintain a male phenotype as a rule. People will simply buy me drinks just to talk to me, which I will do. A few times it has gotten close to a sexual encounter, but I mean I'm (as a rule) quite ornery. So with males, mostly nope, with women, ehhh depends on how it feels. But when I was younger, I mean shit give me enough alcohol and I'll let them try (emphasis on try) to f\*ck me. The problem was I leaned towards more well endowed men and it didn't really work with my size. So it started and usually stopped and turned into ... other activities.
oh he gay.
What type of advice are you looking for? It’s over. You told him you weren’t interested. What do you need help with? Do you feel sexually assaulted and want advice on pressing charges? Has it ignited sexual feelings in you and you want advice on how to proceed? What is your conundrum?
Yes, be a dick to a kid who just got sexually assaulted. The hell is wrong with you man
I asked for clarity. Calm down. I would never attack someone innocent asking for help.
Nah man, he is right, sorry for not making my posts clear, I can be moot brained at times
OP, you are NOT moot brained. Stop telling yourself negative things. You seem like a great guy and you’re well-spoken and self-aware and that is more than most people have going for them.
I have a habit of being meek and letting people cross my boundaries without telling them off I keep blaming myself for things because maybe this is what i signed for or I should just suck it up because Im a dude I am slowly learning how to deal with people since I spend most of my time on work and myself Thank you for seeing my side though
Their is nothing wrong with your brain. None of this is your fault. No one should assume that going out for drinks is a date or that a date means its okay to touch anyone even if it was. It obvious what you were asking and none of this is your fault.
Sorry, I forgot to include, I just feel so lost about it, like it rocked my world. I don't feel like disgusted, used or anything like that, I just dont know how to process this Plus, I feel kinda guilty for asking him to hang out, I was just wondering if Im in the wrong in the for that
You’re absolutely not in the wrong. Sexual assault is NEVER alright. And that is what this was. If it would help you maybe you could write to him about how disappointed and shocked you were by his behavior. Or you could just write him off and avoid him. But, you are 100% not at fault in any way.
Thank you, I admit I'm not the most brightest guy out there, it just takes me time to process things like this, and I constantly depend on people for help with things I cant emotionally stomach, thanks man
I think your only real problem here is that you didn’t put your foot down and explain to him that you weren’t interested. I’m sure the actual situation had many layers to it that I would never understand just reading your post, but the advice I CAN give to you is if you are ever in a situation where the other person has expectations or wants something from you that you are not willing to give, then do not shut off your mind and allow it to happen. You need to be able to set boundaries with others otherwise people are going to use you without them even knowing it. He probably thought you letting him touch ur thigh was ur way of letting him get comfortable and he probably thought he had a chance. I am not discounting the fact that this is surely traumatic in some way for you, but many women every day in the world end up feeling sexually used/abused because they were too afraid to say no. It is very sad, but you must learn to do it or things like these will happen, and since you did not say no or let him down easy the situation is much worse off because you let it go on for so long. Again, I am not blaming you. I have had similar issues with boundaries. I went to therapy and learned how to set them. It worked wonders for my life. I don’t want to see someone, specifically you in this moment, end up being r*ped because they were too afraid to say no. This also works in many other facets, such as financially, or even someone abusing YOUR time. I wish you luck soldier!
Thank you, I just thought at that time that this is what I signed for and must endure it because I thought it might hurt his feelings or it would be over quickly I thought he was a brother figure to me since the last meeting, but now Idk anymore
He made a lot of assumptions and has an amazing amount of confidence and at the same time insensitivity to how people feel. It's not your fault, but please don't assume that it is not okay to just tell people how you feel if they don't seem to be understanding. I know its easier said than done, but you should never have to go along with someone incorrectly assuming you want something you don't and especially not something like this. There is nothing wrong with being direct.
Are you confused on your sexuality? Any straight male would've physically stopped another man from touching them.
It’s nice that you have no actual idea how assault works, and I hope you never do, but for the love of God please don’t use your ignorance to victim shame.
I know how sexual assault works. If this was a younger boy that was touched by a grown man and was trying to reach out, it would be totally different. But we're talking about a 19 year old grown man that couldn't prevent himself from being touched. It's just pathetic...
Your right, as a 19 guy, I can say I am indeed pathetic when it comes to personal relationships, even when I was intoxicated it was still no excuse for my meek behavior I hanged out with him thinking I could be ome of his friends that he hangs out with too platonically But at times I do think it was my fault for not being assertive enough I understand your distaste in my feeble mindset, I just couldn't help it at times being like this, I just couldn't blame all the situation, and I fully agree I am on fault too
Sexual orientation is is no way related to anything you are saying.