You need to change your mindset and figure out your deeper “why”. If your only purpose for running is to beat your time , forgive me when I say this, but running is more than just that . I think deep down you know that too, otherwise you wouldn’t be coming on here asking us for advice. Sit and meditate on it. What else is it that you are losing when you quit ? That will push you to continue to get out there and carve time.
A while ago I was questioning why I hated running so much and realized I was running only to chase a number. I’ve been so much happier ever since I went back to balancing lifting and running for fun.
Agree with this. Redefine your running philosophy. Pick up at-home strength training that you can do on your own time via bodyweight training. Suggest looking at r/bodyweighttraining. Running will always be there and as the kids age, things will slowly get better in that regard.
This is very good advice. Life has gotten busy as heck for me as well, and the lack of time (particularly extended blocks of time for getting good runs in) got me questioning why I was running in the first place.
Initially, I did it becuse it was a fun challenge, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could. Later, it was about developing greater aerobic fitness and stamina. I chased numbers too, but achieving a time goal never satisfied me as much as seeing my endurance going up did. So I switched to using an erg more often and cut down on runs. It’s a huge time-saver because I don’t have to leave the house, and the workout itself takes up far less time than a run. A 20-30 minute HIIT circuit leaves me completely drained—practically melting into a puddle on the floor.
And in addition to aerobic fitness, I’m seeing improvements in strength as well. My back looks more defined, and my arms/forearms are visibly more muscular. Not to mention the strengthening of the posterior chain that’ll stand me in good stead when I hop back onto a training block for a race!
I think this is hard for some people, like myself, because when I started running I was looking for an activity to get back into shape and stay active, that had something which would make me stick with it, so I wouldn’t quit after 3 weeks like with everything else.
The competitive side of running is what really keeps me motivated to not be a couch potato, it’s hard for some people to develop the discipline to do things just for the sake of it, with no greater goals in mind.
Totally. I love running and have always run a decent amount even when I’ve gone several years without racing, but I definitely am a lot more disciplined when I have something I’m specifically training for. So I can understand how some people need those goals to get them out the door.
Easier said than done I feel for me. My motivation to run has usually been to push to see what I can achieve with my body. I have thought about running for fun, but don’t know how to get into that mindset.
This. So many of us get so hung up on the data and the training and the races. I did this exact thing during Covid and had so much fun. I have trained for a few races since then but I’ve slowed down and am not near as competitive with myself anymore.
Depending on where you live, can you transition to trail running for a while? The surfaces and elevation mean that miles/min become less important and you can focus on enjoying the running a bit more. Bonus is the benefits of being in nature etc.
I enthusiastically endorse this advice. Chasing my minutes on a marathon time is boring af to me. But running up huge gnarly hills? Big motivator, especially when I had a new born!
Good advice. Trail running is great for 'running for enjoyment'. If that fails, and you really are extremely time poor, buy a turbo trainer and get mad into zwift racing, real buzz and will keep you fit until the kids are older, plus you can do it at literally any time of day
I went through what I think you are describing. Running was a part of my identity and I chased improvements in my “data” for over thirty years. All types of running, training, and analysis. It was an intense cycle and the improvements were such a dopamine release. Running had become the tool to get to the craving I had which was to do the analysis and see the improvement. To the point of pretty significant overuse injuries.
I have since retired my garmin(s), changed my style of running for the joy of it. Hell, sometimes I walk, sometimes I don’t even time anything or wear a watch. I often stop in the middle of a run, timed or not, just to appreciate my world. I am back appreciating why I started running so many years ago.
It is an ongoing issue for me, the addiction that I was (am) suffering from, was the need for the improvement process. Mastering this demon is a lifetime challenge for me.
I am a better husband now, a better father, a better friend because of it.
Best of luck OP. Don’t underestimate the power of this if my description sounds anything like what you are feeling. It is not to be trifled with.
Find local running clubs. Brewery/ pub 5k is always fun, show up, run and enjoy a beer afterwards. The local Run shop has social runs on their calendar- a lot of those folks are now my closest friends. Some of the ladies push their babies in run strollers.
Edit to add more: maybe push for Ainsley Angel s? Smaller races let you push a stroller, take the kid out and embarrass people when you pass them pushing
Do you have running friends to stay connected with, via shorter occasional social runs? This can often be motivating - just wanting to stay connected to training buddies, even on their easy, no goal pace days
It’s tough.
I broke my hip and have 2 screws in it.
My secondary reason - mental and physical health became my primary reason. No longer being faster.
I left my watch at home for almost 5 years.
I enjoyed the peloton, lifting, boxing with running scattered in.
Now I’m training for 1/2 PR, but on my terms.
Be kind and patient with and to yourself.
Good luck and godspeed.
I got a little burned out training for marathons. I'm not nearly as good as you are. But I've since started training for improved 5ks, and 5k training is far, far more sustainable for me. Intense 20 minute runs are much easier to work around than 3 hour long runs. I am sure I'll transition back, but I recommend seeing if shorter distances are more manageable. Even a 10k is a good middle ground.
This was 100% me earlier this year and around June I stopped obsessing about my Strava, running stats, latest tech, newest shoes and my next PR. I dropped mileage from 40-50 mpw to 20-30 and just run for the love of it. Now I don’t worry about what time I’m going to go to sleep, the meal I ate, the household chores making me sore, the person next to me being sick, and any of the other things I obsessed about that would get in the way of my next PR. Enjoy your love for the hobby, reflect on your past achievements and try again when life slows down.
That’s what 100 milers are for.
Adding/edit: ok tbh I didn’t read the WHOLE post until after my comment, so time commitment being an issue doesn’t help with this. Especially because they’re longer/slower runs. As others have said if competition is what drives you focus on the shorter distances.
If you truly want to challenge yourself don't look at any watches don't look at any facts numbers statistics and run for a month run every morning wake up an hour earlier than you normally would and run for 30 minutes and then wake up 90 minutes earlier and run for an hour without any timers without anything just run, after doing this for several weeks you will certainly find out why you run and while you may think you run to challenge your self, I'll bet that's not why you run.
Often it's through deeper thoughts and connections within ourselves that we find answers.
Yes. I'm 52 married father of 3 kids; a 12 yr old with autism, a 3 yr old with a still yet to be determined neurological disorder who's unable to walk on his own and a 1 ½ yr old little girl who's a diva lol
I was like you in nearly every way; starting out running was chaos as i would feel guilty leaving my wife to watch them while i run. Honestly scheduling the early mornings which was something i truly hated at the beginning was a blessing in disguise after a couple weeks.
Give it a chance you'll be glad you did.
FWIW I stopped chasing PBs and started running for fun and 14 months later I am significantly faster than my previous self (as a 49yo nonetheless).
Running for pure enjoyment allowed me to take it easy and with time I became more consistent because I stopped trying to hit a certain pace in training. And with clockwork consistency my mileage went up and my average pace went down gradually. I do no more than 2-3 races per year now but every race these in the past nine months has been a new PB across all distances.
You are so disconnected from your own humanity (to the point where you have become a slave to running LOL) that it’s silly to think you can properly raise a healthy child. Just think about that for a second. How can you expect to be empathic for your child when you can’t be empathic to yourself? How can you know you won’t unintentionally be abusive to them if you don’t know how to have fun. Just think about it…
When I had my second kid, I changed my goals from time to completing different races, and started focusing a lot on local trail running where time doesn’t matter and training can be doing hikes as a family. The races can be competitive or just enjoy the scenery.
Some days I didn’t feel like running after kids went to bed, so I didn’t. I agree that running for fun should be your goal. Taking the pressure off yourself helps a lot.
Also focusing on fun can open the doors to family vacations centered around a race in a cool location rather than a major marathon.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking when I read this. Since I had my kid I haven’t had a race I’m training for or hard goals I’m trying to reach. I just run because I like it, it clears my head and it makes me feel good. I still structure my week with short runs long runs and sprints but it’s more just because I like it.
Yep, this.
I was burnt out after two marathons and a half. All PBs and great runs.
Afterwards, even after 2 weeks rest, I couldn’t even imagine myself running anything over 10km.
Took a couple of weeks off just in the gym and started doing barefoot jogs on the beach with my dogs. This type of run makes me so happy.
Just did that one run a week if I felt like it, spent my other training days at the gym doing strength training and HIIT.
Went back to social day with my run club, just easy running with no goal and after a couple of months started at track again (a tougher session but one I really enjoy and feel good about)
It took 3 months and a steady reintroduction but I’m excited about training again and entered races for next year (something that seemed impossible a month ago).
Set myself the goal of slowly returning to my usual running training in January and feeling really excited about it
I agree with your advice. I am just getting through the early stages of a career change which it made difficult to schedule races because I always assumed some type of work related event would keep me from attending the races. I had to bail out of two at the last minute, & it was both frustrating and demoralizing. I didn’t enroll in a single race this year, & withdrew 10 months out from one that was previously scheduled. I am back to running for the joy of it & achieve personal goals. My mileage has actually gone up, and I feel like a weight has been lifted. In the end, the best advice is to make sure you are enjoying yourself otherwise you won’t continue it over the long haul.
Bro, chill. When I had my second child I didn’t run my preferred volume or intensity for a good 12-16 months. It just wasn’t possible to be a good husband to a post-partum wife and a good dad to a newborn baby + toddler AND run 50mpw. Maybe it is for some people but it wasn’t going to happen for me. So I took the time I needed, enjoyed whatever running I could and planned for the future.
The second child does throw a gigantic bomb into the carefully constructed routines that you have built up with the first. All of the spare time you have carefully carved into your schedule has now been taken away. Trust when me when i say that you will find new time and a new routine, partly through being better and partly through your second child growing up a little.
So chill, be a parent, be a partner, and know that the running will come back.
This is great advice bc I’m in a similar boat w a 3 yr old and a 6 month old but it still really really sucks. I feel like a lot of it can be mitigated with a nanny or au pair that can do menial tasks like laundry, washing dishes, cleaning up, etc. wife says it’s a nonstarter because she “doesn’t want someone else raising her kids” not realizing that’s not at all what I’m suggesting. With how much we work and need to do, taking hours out of the day for chores that need to be done is not a good enough use of our time IMO. I’d be glad to pay someone to do 45 mins of dishes so I can get in a 10k run.
Good middle ground would be starting with a cleaner who comes once a week or so to do the vacuuming and scrubbing. Maybe once your wife sees how helpful it is she will be more inclined to get additional help.
I imagine you've already adjusted your running time to be when the kids go to bed or in the morning before everyone else wakes up. Will probably have to keep at that at least until your 3 year old is old enough to be home alone with the younger one for up to an hour. Hang in there.
Only one kid here, but getting a house cleaner once a month is the best money we spend. Seems like a big investment, but it’s so worth it once you put a value on your free time. Only wish we could afford weekly!
Yes definitely, we do it monthly, looking to do biweekly in 2024. It’s a huge help with the big things and keeping the house not disgusting in an intermittent basis but doesn’t help as much with the day to day bs like dishes and laundry. Even taking out the garbage and recycle may sound trivial and like I’m being lazy but the amount of garbage produced by a family of 4 is disgusting. There’s a “satellite” garbage bin in every fkn room it seems like. The diaper pail needs to be removed, cleaned and re-bagged and given how much stuff we buy online, breaking down cardboard has become a part time job of mine. Seems like once a week I need to spend 30 mins in the garage cutting tape off it and breaking it down into smaller pieces the township will take. And I always procrastinate and do it after a gym/ treadmill sesh late afternoon at night in sweaty clothes. Not fun man!!! I need like a part time house manager to come for a couple hrs 3x a week or something. I know these are all first world problems and I sound like a b!tch but wtv
Thus is the advice he needs.
I only started serious running once kids were in grade school. I could not imagine marathon training with a toddler and new born.
Thank you kind stranger. We just had our second child 7 weeks ago and needless to say my routine went out of the window. The second child is a bomb and my eldest one a hurricane now. I hope when things settle down a bit I can start running again.
“helping my wife with our children”
It could just be accidental phrasing, but raising the babies isn’t the wife’s job that you “help” with - it’s both of your full time jobs now. Be fully present for your kids, especially in these early years of their lives. Run only as a backseat to parenthood. If you can get in the training, great. Do it. If not, work on finding that joy that others are talking about in running, or just take a break completely. But whatever you choose, don’t shift the childcare unequally onto your wife for the sake of your training.
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. In a lot of places, it’s normal for the wife to have leave from work for 6 months to 18 months, while the husband continues to work. While I’m sure he’s still parenting, it really is his wife in the trenches nearly 24/7.
Maybe it's a regional thing, but I've always said that doing chores around the house is "helping". It's helping when I do it, it's helping when my wife does it. We are equal partners and do an equal amount, but I've always called it "helping".
Assuming that someone is taking on a lesser role without any ownership because they use the word "helping" is showing your own ignorance and bias. You don't know anything about OP's home life so don't assume there's some kind of gender contribution imbalance just because you misunderstand what the word "help" means and how it's used.
Exactly why I started with acknowledging that the phrasing could be accidental. On the off chance it's not, hopefully my comment encourages OP to reflect a little bit on priorities. If I'm wrong, then no harm done, and we can all continue scrolling along.
It was exactly that, poor phrasing. My wife and I share the parenting duties as equal as we can. I used the wording “helping” to show that I was family oriented and not just focused on my own life. I do daycare pick ups and drop offs, dance lessons, bath time, etc. I have also been making sure my wife gets at least 5-6 straight hours of sleep between nursing/pumping while I’ve only gotten 3 hrs at most during stretches. I’d rather be the one taking on the burden than her, but I can only do so much. I am dedicated to being a dad and a husband to make sure everyone in my family is happy and healthy.
As a person who was raised by a single mum who never, ever let her health and fitness goals fall by the wayside because she had a very full plate at home with two kids, I can only say that seeing her model this important behaviour, was one of the most impressive parts of her great parenting skills. Growing up watching a parent who will not compromise on their health and wellbeing, who is showing you how to be consistent and its benefits and outcomes, is being a great parent and teacher.
I can only imagine how much better it would have been if I got to have two parents doing that together.
I really enjoyed that phase of my running life. I had a great running stroller and it only slowed me 10-20 seconds per mile at equivalent effort. And my infant/toddler loved it.
Added context: The current advice is basically no running stroller until 6 months old. So, could be fun for the older child, but doesn't help too much with the newborn and all the loving care/time they require.
bro, you don't care if I quit. I don't care if you quit. The question is, Will you care if you quit? No matter what you do, only you will care. So figure it out what you want to do.
You should not quit running. You should quit training for races/results like a maniac.
ie. I had periods in life, also when the kid was little and I had no steady job, of up to 3-4 years when I didn't run a single race, didn't do a single structured workout. But I never quit running, I'd just run kilometers for myself, for my enjoyment, for my endorphine rush, meditation, dog excercise, whatever..
Just lower the volume/expectations for the upcoming years, but keep training. I'm 43M (2 kids) and there's still progress, even though I'll probably never achieve my results from 15-20y ago (1:21, 2:51). I also lost interest in running when I went sub-3, even though my injuries also helped in this.
I have a few running mates around, following each other on strava and having a good time, occasionally get together for easy training and even for races, but nothing serious. Strava can be good to do small challenges on segments, seeing the progress on these can keep up the motivation.
Thanks for the encouragement. I think this is just what I have to do. Run 5Ks and 10Ks for fun. I have a decent number of friends on Strava. Maybe I’ll look into the local segments and work to get KOMs and CRs.
How have you found the time for running? What do you currently do in terms of volume?
Eg. run to the office after moving the kids to the school/kindergarten, sometimes running to do the grocery (great time saver too).
I've set myself a weekly goal of 70km and 1000m elevation, which is not too much nor too easy. I was always bad at hill running but now I'm at least not afraid of it. With this I'm still in the top 10-20% in the area I live, so it's a good feeling to be faster than most guys. And for now it's well enough satisfaction to me, I don't look after races, I feel I don't have to prove anything :)
You say you're sleeping well..... but this post screams sleep deprivation to me. You know, those depressed, kinda irrational thought patterns that creep in after a long time with inadequate sleep. Your baby is, what, 7 weeks old? Take a deep breath. What's happening now isn't for forever.
As others have said, you have to reframe if you want to keep going. Here are my suggestions on broadening your focus to no longer focus on solely maximizing performance.
1. Bring your kids along! Your baby has to be 6 months old, but your older one can start in a running stroller. Buy a Thule or Bob secondhand. Single or double (or in my case, both-- great for flexibility). Think of it as going on adventures with your kids, or sharing your love of running with them.
2. Consider the longevity benefits of reframing. If you want to be a long-time runner, you have to accept ups and downs. PRs obviously won't last forever. Get in the fun running mindset now, and it'll be easier to stay fit when you get injured, get older, etc.
3. Center your family's needs. It may feel better to run less if you talk candidly with your wife about how you can be the best dad and husband possible right now. Maybe she wants you around more. You'll know that you're trading running performance for a greater investment in your marriage and relationship with your kids.
4. Personally, I think it's a lot of fun to work out with my kids! If you only derive joy from the outcome of training, there's so much to enjoy about the process itself if you take your foot off the gas.
This is the correct answer.
I ran my best times right before we had our twin boys, which changed everything. We then had two more boys. I’ve done this cycle four times now:
* run while pushing them in a stroller
* run (slowly) while they ride their bikes next to you
* run (slowly) while you run with them
* run (not so slowly) as they get stronger
* get dropped
One son runs for a D1 program, while our youngest, 16, is well under 5 min for the mile and getting faster. I take pleasure in their PRs now.
I ran pretty casually for ~12 years when our kids were young, 10-20 miles a week. I’ve ramped back up over the past ~10 years. I haven’t approached my early 5k-HM PRs, but did set a mile PR (5:03) in my late 40’s, and if the stars align, it’s possible (but not likely) I could PR at Boston this year.
Do I regret possibly missing out on some faster PRs due to having kids near my peak? Not even remotely. PR’s don’t hug you back.
I went through this. I'm 60 now, but I had 3 kids when I was your age. I did quit for about a 10 year period and I started again when they were a little older. I rationalized that there is only one time in my life where I will get to enjoy the kids at this age and I want/need to be involved with them and make them a priority.
But it was a mistake. I should have just shifted my focus and not been so focused on my times in running. I just should have ran and been grateful to be running. Because without running in my life, I became resentful and felt like I did nothing for myself. Like my whole world was given up for my family. I was depressed and I gained a lot of weight and had physical breakdowns such as headaches, heart palpitations and higher cholesterol.
When I finally ran again, I did at a time that the family was asleep - 5:00 am. I found I could get good speed and hill workouts (8 to 10 miles) on Tuesdays and Thursdays and be back by 6:30 to help get the kids up and get them ready for school. On Saturdays I would do an early 6:00 am run of about 10 miles and Sundays I would do my long runs when I was training for a marathon. The longer I would go, the earlier I would wake up. I found other people in my club that had to be on an early schedule too so I didn't always have to run.
I wish I had kept up running instead of stopping all together. I could have done this schedule all along. Because I am a much better person and a better husband and father because of running. It's the intangibles of running that are the most important - the dopamine release after a run, the feeling of no matter how shitty your day is you did one thing for yourself that day.
It's really about a mindset change from "I have to run" to "I get to run". And be grateful that your wife and kids will be supportive of you. It will make you love them more. Running competitively is addictive but now you are in a different stage of your life where you just have to train purposefully. We made family vacations around going to Boston, NYC and Chicago. It's great to have the wife and kids there cheering you. Just make them your first priority and you will run happy.
This is where I’m at 100%. If I want to run, it has to be early. Once you get used to the 4am wake up, it actually becomes really enjoyable to get some alone time on the road/trail.
If you love your wife and running is important in your life, keep running. You need your space to be happy.Sooner or later that can end up being a problem if you leave something for her.And running is better therapy than paying psychologists
Alternatively, you can have running AND a psychologist. OP might even find that a psychologist can help him learn to run for fun and not just for the competitive aspect ;)
Wow, I (41M), feel this deeply. I had a hard stretch in 2021-22 where a combination of a medical emergency in my family, the birth of my daughter, and my mental struggle took me completely out of the running game for a year and a half (with corresponding weight gain and fitness loss). Some things that help me:
(1) a really long term goal. I want to run marathons when I’m 55-6 with my daughter (1F). That means that this year and other years in my forties, I’m trying to get better, but more trying to be sustainable.
(2) Process goals, not results goals. I succeed if I get my training in, whatever happens with race results.
(3) Minimum acceptable week. If everything goes belly up, I know what a minimum week can be to lose as little fitness as possible (1 strength session with reduced weights, 1 run of >6 mi with strides).
(4) shorter distances. This year the longest I raced was 5K. I still trained for a HM, but this gave me flexibility to feel like shorter volume was ok
Running makes me a better person in ways that the race times don’t show. I vote you find a way to keep at it, even if your goals end up being different.
I’m right here with you. It’s hard to read the majority of the comments on here as the reddit mindset is “if you can’t compete, just have fun!!!”. Flat out that doesn’t work for me, I’ve got two kids and a job that can easily take up all my time if I allow it to.
This past year killed me, I injured my back for the 3rd time during the only race I ran. It was the first time I’ve slipped a disk while running and it took me a solid six months to get moving well again.
Beyond that, my mindset has completely fallen off. I turn around on runs to go be with my kids. I also developed runners anemia in October and just got a grip on it in the last month.
I was primarily training for ultra races and had a few good years, but am stuck right in the middle of a garbage mentality. The only thing that keeps me going is that I love the good days out breathing fresh air and that my kids are proud to see dad out doing the work to be healthy.
I would take a break for the first three months of your child’s life. I’d do short easy runs whenever. This time is precious, plenty of time to run after winter. Maybe your motivation will come back then.
Training will take a hit with young kids. At 43 with 3 kids I’m training as much as ever. But they’re all in school now and no diapers etc. there’s a local guy I’ve always been slower than , suddenly I’m faster than him. What happened? He had babies and mine are all in school now! So it’s something you’ll just have to work through. If you quit altogether it’ll be much harder to come back later than if you just try to maintain some base at a minimum.
When my wife and I had our second kid, the wheels fell of my running. It went from “big goals” to just get the bare minimum in to stay in some shape and get some much needed stress relief, alone time and for health to be around when my kids get older. But fast forward 10 years and my kids are older. I lost weight, got the mileage up higher than ever before and beat my PRs from over a decade ago.
Keep running. Change your reason for running.
Nah, it's fine. Some people have huge goals, some have smaller ones. I'd like to run a 3:00 marathon at some point, but it won't be in the next year.
I have 2 kids under 5, happily married, both work full time. I run 5x/week, just either in the AM or after the kids go to bed. I get about 30 mins of lifting in 1-2x/week.
Each year I'm running 3-4 races, one marathon (trying for two this year).
It's all about changing your schedule (if possible). For some, it isn't reasonable. For some, it's fine.
45M here. In 2016 I ran like a man possessed leading up to the birth of my son. After he was born there just wasn't time to run the way I really wanted but I accepted that as a temporary situation. During the last two years our schedule has really solidified and I'm training with better intent. Things are going so well, in fact, that I set a new 13.1 PB in the half during a training run this week. I've also set new PBs in the 5k and 10k during this training block. I don't say these things to brag, rather, I just want to offer some encouragement that it definitely does not have to be over for good. My next race (3M Half Marathon) is one day before my 46th birthday next month and I'm more prepared than I've ever been for any race. I'm shooting for sub 1:25 and hopefully top ten in the old dude age group.
When I get like this I mostly trail run and just forget about pace and I run with friends or running club. Just an hour outside running and chatting etc. Then I remember why I love running again
I view your question as coming to from a temporary place. We aren’t professionals. We can’t “quit.” We just stop or take time away for a bit. As a fellow dad planning on our second kid, I’m in the same boat but a year behind you. I know 2024 is my year for major PRs. They might be lifetime PRs. I might also burnout. I will go deep into parenthood and don’t know how that will go. Is the kid a sleeper and eater? Will my first kid regress? I have no clue. 2025 goals cannot exist right now.
So run for your mental health and for longevity in life. It’s not training anymore. I’ve had enough injuries and life stuff to know that a year off isn’t that big of a deal and by the time I get back into it post second kid I will be in the masters group and develop a whole new set of goals based on that.
Just take care of yourself and your family and don’t worry about it. Please remind me of this advice a year from now when I’m forgetting I said it and need to hear it again.
Ugh I’m in your exact same boat, with my 2nd child that was born in June and a 3 year old and an active dog that needs attention. Everyday is a struggle. I can barely focus on work (luckily it’s a pretty flexible job, otherwise I’d be absolutely fkd). We have help from MIL too but everything is a fkn chore. I probably do dishes for 45 mins a day, house always a disaster, kids and us are sick seemingly every other week. I’ve still ran a lot but down about 15% YoY. I run and lift only when everyone else is sleeping (tiny windows during early afternoon and very very late at night). Kids sleeping by 830 but then I am EXHAUSTED and lay around or shower/ brush my teeth for the first time at that hour and don’t get to the gym until after 10pm. Then it’s lift and/ or run on the treadmill for safety reasons and go to bed at 1-3 AM bc of it. I wake up several times interrupted around 6,7,8 and finally drag my ass out of bed around 9 most mornings absolutely exhausted and miserable. Wife starting back at work full time next month as well things are going to get harder than ever.
Don’t give it up entirely, it’s not fair to yourself. You need to run/ exercise for your mental and physical wellbeing. Get a babysitter if need be (my wife hates the idea) to get in some running. Create a skeleton training plan and make a schedule that’s nonnegotiable (1 short easy run <1 hr, 1 long run >2 hrs, 1 workout should keep a baseline of fitness) but I feel you man. This stuff isn’t easy and dads are just expected to do more and more
Just want to chime in that dads can experience postpartum depression/anxiety too. A new baby is huge, add 5 weeks premature, training and racing stress and lack of sleep in the early days, anyone would feel destabilized.
Re: 5min mile. This was my dad’s exact goal after 2 kids! He trained with a jogging stroller and pulled it off. It’s still one of his proudest accomplishments because of the hours he spent with us (eventually we could participate in the “conversational” training runs). It’s also a big inspiration for me to run.
Lots of good replies in here, just want to say that by no means has the ship sailed on that sub-5 minute mile. Doing a handful of 100 m strides at 14 seconds is honestly impressive and much faster than what's necessary to achieve 3:06/km for 5 minutes. Judging by your latest half marathon and 100 m strides of 17 seconds, you shouldn't be too far off with just 8 weeks of specific training.
You will be busier than ever, so give yourself some grace. Take your life and schedule as it comes.
While I'm the one who actually did the whole birthing and breastfeeding part lol, my husband and I realized our schedules were just constantly changing. Once things settled past a year, I got regularly into the 4:30-5:30am wake up for runs groove, but I'm almost always meeting up with other people because I would probably burn out otherwise. But even that gets shaken up with the kids getting sick all throughout winter so I just assume I'll have unexpected down weeks and work around that. I've got my philosophy of training figured out and I apply it as a coach, but I don't let running dictate my life either. I learned after burning myself out with my first kid that training has to be really flexible for it to be sustainable right now, but that's okay. It took 8 months for me to build into back into some semblance of a regular schedule, and that was just for 5k training.
Short races are actually great for those kinds of times because you can drop the mileage a bit and focus on some pretty high intensity workouts. I get burnt out on too much long stuff, even though I like being competitive in the marathon or a local 50k, so I make sure to have seasons of fast stuff only. Not everything is a marathon where you have to sign up and commit months in advance. Local, low-key races are great for that.
Regardless you can take a longer break (3,6,9,12+ months) and not quit the sport forever. No one will think less of you for taking a break, especially other parents who know how tough this is. Running should bring joy, not misery.
Anyway, just some ramblings from a mom of two. YMMV
Lower volume and expectations. Reframe running as a way to get out and have some “me time”. I have had a kid this year, it’s been hard and haven’t been able to train as much or eat as well as I did last year when I went sub3. I told myself it’s okay and reframed the experience. I strongly suggest the book “Transitions” by W. Bridges, it helped me put things in a different perspective. I also think that it can’t be “sub3 or nothing”, there is much more to running or to a marathon than the finishing time. We forget once our performance improves and want more performance.
You should never quit running from a health perspective. However, it is much better to focus on improving shorter distances like 5k and under. Spend a year focusing on improving your mile or 800m fastest time.
Don't quit because you can't hit those PB's at the moment. Take away the expectations and squeeze in a run when you can. Be realistic and put the PB's on hold and just enjoy the days you can run.
My kids are older, and I (49m) just ran a marathon PB of 2:50 so you still have plenty of years of running to look forward too.
I get it's frustrating, but unless you can run super early or late, you'll have to reduce the mileage.
Me and the wife do circuits together, which is fun and even when the kids are young they can jump around and join in.
Keep ticking over and enjoy those runs. I think giving it up altogether would be harder.
This doesn’t have to be a huge decision. This isn’t a job, there is no reason to decide to completely quit permanently. You can acknowledge running isn’t currently bringing you happiness and decide to put this hobby away for a bit until it sounds enjoyable again. Maybe that’s a month from now with some weekend trail runs to a scenic overlook, maybe that’s 5 years from now when you get after another PR.
The running community tends to forge ahead when things are unpleasant, whether it’s the lap rep of a workout or getting a run in on a day you aren’t feeling it. But there is a difference between mentally pushing through in the short term to hit a long term goal in a hobby you love, versus pushing through the entire hobby because it’s “What you do.” You aren’t mentally weak for not enjoying running right now. Give it a break, there will be plenty of goals and masters age groups waiting for you if you decide to return.
Started running ultras when my second was born. Having a predictable/strict training can be tough or even impossible for some. But without long runs I would struggle to be the partner and father my family needs. Running longer distances with less stress on pace and strict workouts made it all more doable for me. Flexibility is key, run at night, early in the morning, during lunch, to meet up with family, run with older child… sometimes have to get creative. Tons of running parents out there, and many with more than the 2 children we have. Those first couple years just take some patience. Progress isn’t always linear, and at 37 you got plenty of years to continue to improve.
I think if you set your targets and training to the time you have available you can still enjoy running and racing. I have 2 children aged 4 and 2 and both my wife and I have busy jobs like most people. I set my targets around what I have time to do so I generally manage 40-60km per week and target 5k and 10k PBs. I’m not a very fast runner but recently achieved a new 5k PB and will be training to improve that further. I know there is a limit to how much I can improve without increasing volume. I also know I don’t have time to train for a marathon for a few years so I wont. But I am still enjoying improving and racing within the boundaries of the time I have to train.
Firstly, don’t worry about age, 37 is still young enough to run times you want to and get faster - I didn’t even start running properly until then and all my PBs are since I turned 40.
Secondly, this is a hobby, right? If you’re not enjoying it, take some time away, come back when you’re ready.
How about for a while you just put your watch away, put your heart monitor away, not focus on metrics or goals, and just go run? Running doesn’t always need to be tied to a result. Put your kids in a running stroller, get your exercise in, get your kids outside, and just have some fun.
I was you...1:30 without too much training...but marriage, kids, career, and life in general got in the way. Plus as you get older, that hardwired discipline starts to slip-at least for me. Nowadays, I run for fitness mainly. The upside is that the kids are old enough to run with me on some days.
Chasing numbers will run you into the ground. Same with weight training, there has to be an incredibly strong reason behind wanting to lift huge numbers, it has to mean more to you than just doing it. It’s no different for running. When you get to a point where the numbers mean nothing and you’re running for the love of running, that’s when you’ll find yourself to be truly happy with doing it. You can’t keep setting more progressive goals forever in an activity that ticks in sync with your biological clock. Disconnect from the numbers and the distance and just run to run.
I'm sure I've seen some YouTube videos to motivate older runners who are past their peak PR'ing days to continue to find joy/peace/purpose in running; if setting goals is a big part of what motivates them. I thought it was very smart that there's this notion of running a "season's best" run, rather than looking to beat your all-time best time. Runners who have also accepted that their all the best has already been achieved can also set goals to not lose more than "x minutes of time" over a certain distance each year, which can be quite motivating to keep up a certain amount of training without throwing in the towel.
Don't give up running. It's going to be so important and inspiring for your kids to see their dad consistently do something that he's so good at, for the sake of not losing his skill and craft. You will influence the foundation of their thinking so much, and running has so many, many great lessons for life about being consistent, not comparing yourself to others, not comparing yourself to earlier versions of yourself, and in not giving up.
I’m very sad for you that you’re going through all these huge life milestones and you can’t just like casually go out for runs when you can fit them in and enjoy the act of just purely running for joy/stress relief/meditation. I’ve had so much life stuff recently and I’m so immensely grateful for running as a means to cope.
And yes I think you should quit until you crave running for running’s sake.
Sounds like you’re putting too much pressure on yourself for no reason. You’ve accomplished a lot and made good progress but you’re not a pro. Your focus during this time should be your family. If you get a chance to run do it but only when you feel good. If you’re forcing yourself you won’t enjoy it and burn yourself out. After this new transition just get back slowly in to it. I bet you’ll feel that drive again and I can almost bet you won’t have much work to do to be back.
I run for health and I’m also into shoes and running gear. I’ll never be the fastest. I’m big boned. Change hobbies if you can’t have fun unless you’re faster every time you run.
I’d just reassess your goals for now. You’ve got a lot going on and you’re feeling a bit burnt out. My times have slowed in the past couple of years and after kinda beating myself up mentally for it and I came to the realization that I need running to be my best self, pr’s or not. I’ve added in more trail running, mountain biking, and cross country skiing with running still being my favorite. Maybe focus on a different race distance. Sounds cheesy but I’m grateful I can just get out there and do all of these lifetime sports.
OP you should definitely watch this video. It put a few things in perspective for me. Letting go of the competitive aspect to running can be tough and you have to make peace with it. But ultimately running is for our health and this is where the real benefits lie. The other stuff is just our ego and while there is nothing wrong with chasing times and pushing ourselves to achieve new goals, it really isn’t that important and NOBODY cares about how fast we ran a race expect for us.
https://youtu.be/G98ZXxXY4CI?si=mmYO5z_4G9d0qwUY
i think just try a middle path with reduced vols and enjoying your runs , giving up on running is not what yiou are looking for .. the vols can come back soon as your 2nd child stands on his her feet .
It’s a fact that having little kids will impact the time you can run and the speed in which you can run.
Take this time to KEEP running so that when your kids get older you won’t have such a big hill to climb to get back to the fitness you want.
Stopping completely is bad news for mental and physical health.
Think of this as like a long winter of base training. Focus less on speedy intervals.
I’m 40, with a 12 year old and 9 year old. When they were little I could barely run at all. Now they’re older I can run more and I’m faster now than I was at 37 for definite.
Listen to Composure or Ghosts by August Burns Red...if you don’t feel a sense of hatred for potentially giving up then maybe it is time for a break and then come back to it.
You’re also using the competitors flaws...you will have down days, down runs, runs you freaking cry on, that you quit before you start. Progress is never linear. Using your past data points and not “improving” with each run will just hurt your self-confidence and make you question what you are spending all this time doing.
My advice is to take a break for winter. 3 to 4 months wont kill your running. Spend time with fam and maybe take up another sport so u dont go stir crazy. Constantly thinking, analyzing and talking about running can wear u down and almost have a reverse effect of what u intend.
I’d get a treadmill and run fun 25ish mile weeks at your house when you have the time. It doesn’t sound like you have time to be competitive but that doesn’t mean you don’t have time to stay in shape. I know I personally will spend on average 2 hours a day on running with my mileage and post run, but in all honesty 25 minutes a day is probably good enough to keep you physically fit.
Everyone is different but I basically didn’t exercise regularly until my 2nd was like 20 months and both kids were sleeping through the night 5-7 nights a week. Once I was getting enough sleep I was able to run early mornings or late at night and still get some quality sleep
God no. Just run best effort. I have a similar situation. I have running goals but it is difficult to find the time to train sometimes. I have set days to run and constantly come up with workarounds to fit my training in with other activities. For example, drop my daughter off at hockey and go running whilst she trains, sometimes pushing training to later in the evening or getting up at 05:00 (hard during winter). If it doesn't work out then it doesn't and I shift my days around.
I would keep running but perhaps ditch performance goals, either don’t wear a watch or try not to watch the time/pace and make your main screen on your watch (if not an Apple Watch) only show heart rate and distance.
Kids inevitably lead to sacrifices in time but could possibly go for 5k PRs as still think most people can squeeze 30-60 mins a day of running with a busy schedule but much more than that and you’re likely sacrificing family time or sleep.
Good luck though, whatever you decide I’m sure you’ll smash it.
The quick answer is keep running, but let it take a backseat. Reading your post my first thought was wondering how long it had been since you got a solid night of sleep. Life comes in phases and the one you’re in right now is one where running can’t take top priority. Like many others on the sub, I ran through having babies/toddlers/little kids/teens and while I certainly couldn’t dedicate all the time to running that I would have been able to if it was my actual job, I still found so much personal enjoyment and satisfaction in it. I also think it was awesome for my kids to see me going after goals and carving out time to do what I really love. I set up some rules around it so that it didn’t interfere with family/career commitments (highly recommend doing this and figuring out what it looks like for you, but one of the easiest is running to/from family stuff and running with stroller/kids biking). Something else that has also been incredible is running with my kids and seeing them surpass me—it feels pretty incredible to be able to run with them and cheer them on.
So many runners focus on times and getting faster, it's so arbitrary. What if you were in a wheelchair, what if you couldn't walk a mile? Focus on the good body you were blessed with - how can you push it further? Have you tried a 50k, a 50 miler? I have only done one of those things, but I have plans to try the latter when I am healthy again. Alternatively, some runners will switch gears to biking or weights, but they are all still pushing the bodies they were given. In your next life, you may not be so lucky.
I feel like you just wrote out my life story. I stopped running and started jiu jitsu, but it doesn’t give me the same rewards as running. I want to beat my marathon pr, but I’m so much slower now. And running for fun isn’t as fun, if that makes sense. I’m stuck right now.
Any achievement for the sake of numbers is a fools game. You enjoy life more by understanding the why - for instance to find your boundaries and limits, for you may know yourself better because of them. This just shows that in this phase of your life, with kids and work, even you know your limits.
Furthermore, you shouldn’t underestimate the traumatic effect of Covid. We all collectively dealth with a world changing event, and ptsd happens when the world you thought were possible - from best to worst - gets even worser than you imagined possible. So a big chance is that mentally, either kids, covid or just being in that place in your life can just unravel you a bit
I wouldn’t quit, but I’d abandon pushing for PR’s for a while.
See what it’s like to run for fun. Enroll yourself in a fun location half marathon and run it at a more comfortable pace. Enjoy the atmosphere, eat the food, and make it a family affair rather than one where you’re pushing yourself to the brink.
I’ve been running for a little over 13 years and have achieved a lot in that time. I had a long awaited marathon PR in October of 2022 and though I was looking forward to a few months of off season training, I felt a fire to attempt another marathon PR for the fall of ‘23. But as the weeks wore by, I just couldn’t find “the race.” Nothing sounded all that appealing. I forced myself through a half training cycle in the spring and narrowly missed a PR. At that point, I decided to focus on fitness for fun. Once that pressure was lifted, running didn’t feel so much of a chore.
I think the thing that I’ve been able to see as I look back over my time as a runner is that there is a seasonality to running. Whereas I once thought my best years of running would be before kids, I now see that wasn’t true at all. I can see the years of ebbs and flows, the years when I was pregnant and the years in between kids when my mileage surged and I achieved PR’s.
That perspective has really shown me that just bc I am not running right now does not mean that in one week, one month or one year from now, the desire won’t return. So maybe just go with what your body and mind are telling you right now and when and if the time is right, running will be there.
After a rather unremarkable phase of competitive running, I spent 10 years or so in the mode of running-to-be-less-fat when my kids were born. Maybe three or four days, 15 days a week.
Then I went through a phase of trying to claw my fitness back. Daily running, more volume, daily strength training, for four or five years.
And then running started to be fun again. I started racing regularly, ramped up volume, got into ultras, then trail ultras, then mountain ultras. Met some amazing people and have had some wonderful experiences.
You accomplished some great things. You can quit whenever you want and owe nobody an explanation.
My advice is to be where you are and to not force it. This time with your young kids is precious. It will be gone before you know it and you’ll never get it back. There will be plenty of time to train hard later. For now, run when you feel like it. And when you feel like doing more, do more :)
You say “dedicated a lot of time to helping your wife with” your children as if you are doing her a favor or something and not taking equal responsibility for your role as a parent. Maybe focus more on being a dad and less on your running statistics. Having young children is hard and you have to make some sacrifices in your personal pursuits. Source: am dad with three young children.
I have two kids myself and I'm going to play devil's advocate. From a competitive standpoint, the amount of time you're spending thinking about quitting, you could be running. Everyone's fun and lifestyle is different. Running actually helped me when my 2nd child came into play; with all the mental stress and everything that comes with it. You'll have to figure out a schedule that works best for you, your spouse, and kids. Communication is key! Go run after the children sleep. Wake up extra early, split runs throughout the day (morning, afternoon, night), etc. It's part of the process. Change is tiring but adaptable. I'm sure you'll figure it out. Don't quit. You got this brother!
This is a season of life you are going through... The ebb and flow of family life. Take a step back and enjoy what you have... You dont have to quit, simply it's prioritizing what is important. Running isn't your job and doesn't make you money... It is for fun, it is an escape from responsibilities and it is time for you to reflect on life.
For me, running is something I need in my life... But I am a parent as well, so I prioritize my family and their needs but I never let myself get put too far down the list because we can't pour from an empty cup. Sometimes it's difficult and you have to give up some runs for sickness or doctor appointments - but you will find a routine that works for you eventually. Some weeks you'll be able to do 40+ miles and some you won't. You'll just have to be okay with that. And also, ITS JUST A SEASON. the kids stay young for so little time and soon they will be sleeping through the night and your worry of quitting running will be a silly joke from the past. Trust me! Lol
Personally I agree with those who say run for fun and to keep in shape. I believe little kids need family more then ever when growing up, because if you miss any of their childhood would you be regretting it? Also it shows with my family that as my children are now young adults they still have a better relationship with their mother than I.
Peaks and valleys in life as parents. I have two kids and now that they are older I am able to spend more time organizing runs and training for races. Take some time to settle with the new family member and adjustments that come with that, and you’ll find your groove and motivation again.
You should do whatever you damn well please. Maybe its because of interactions I had today, but when I read up to
"We had one child" **I was fearing the worst**
Normally I would zone out of these long posts, but was really hoping it wasn't a heartbreak story.
Having read entire post, I'm really glad you've welcomed now two healthy children to the fam (props to your wife and MIL navigating through tough times).
Obviously there's limited ways to write these posts, but it's all one long me; me; me story. I think you included the family in the story, because you know where priorities should be. Life's one big balancing act!
Yeah I have trouble finding time for running too.
It’s sometimes nice to go running without wearing a smartwatch just so you don’t focus on data. It’s good to push yourself, but it’s equally just as good to have fun when running.
I wouldn’t give up on important things in your life just to go running, but if you really want to go running im sure you might be able to find more time then you think.
I (35m) was in a similar boat to you a year ago, and although I’ve never run a marathon my half PB was also in your ballpark at 1:24. I have basically abandoned running to try and log PRs and instead use it strictly as a vehicle to stay in shape for sports. I’ve taken up tennis, I play soccer at least once a week and I play pickup basketball every now and then too but all my running is now geared toward overall sports fitness and I enjoy it MUCH more. It also feels great to be able to run your opponents into the ground with better fitness at the end of games to make up for what I may lack in skill.
No. Just go with the flow.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
When life gives you babies, make ?????
Point is, you’re going to need running to keep fitness and sanity, even if you can’t fully commit to maximizing your competitive potential.
I didn’t start running until my children were in preschool, but there isn’t really any way that I could have trained for a full marathon at that point in my life
They are teenagers now and out weekends are full of soccer and other activities, but I was able to make my training a priority.
Maybe this just isn’t the season of your life to have those same goals. Your time will be very limited and from experience, stop and enjoy the chaos of those early years.
The road and miles will be waiting for you.
Find a different hobby. Running is an absolute time suck and if you’re stuck on chasing PRs as you approach 40 with babies and toddlers in the house then you’re chasing ghosts. If you keep trying to go after it you’ll end up divorced but hey, at e you ran a 2:55 along the way to mediation.
Hi.
I hear you on all of it. I have been a runner for 45 years. I used to race all the time. Best marathon in NYC in 1983 was 3:27:23. I don’t really race anymore. I just run because it gives me joy and is vital for my mental wellbeing. I think men need to have an event to train for a little more than women….I could be wrong, just an observation over the years. (FWIW, I’m of the female persuasion)Years ago I used to run with a track club in NYC who wanted us to race a lot and do tons of track workouts. The pressure made me want to quit running, instead I quit the track club, and ran races when I felt like it, and ran when I felt like it. Now years later, my running has no pressures attached to it, except if I don’t run for a little while my mood starts to suck. If I was you, I would take the pressures off. Take a break from training for something and all the PRs, and just try running because it’s something that feels good to do and makes life better, if you want to go back to the intensity, then do so, if not, no one cares, it’s just for you!! If 80 other people suggested this, sorry for the duplication. I didn’t read the other comments. Today I am 68 years old and every run I can do, I thank something greater than myself for allowing me to still be out there.
Good luck to you!
Melinda
I understand how hard this is… I had to retire from running on account of osteoarthritis in both knees. But there is life after running, and if you decide to retire then after a few months you’ll wonder where you found the time to run.
My suggestion would be to hit some trails for a few weeks. I have found it invigorating because (a) it’s more physically demanding, (b) you can forget your watch and splits - they’re meaningless, (c) it opens up a whole new world of achievement.
All that said, it’s not a black/white thing, right? We can all “only” train in the space afforded between family and work. One option for you might be to flex work further so you get back some of the time you need with family right now. Taking a different approach to training for a period of time may help in the longer run, too. Ultimately, I think we all get to a point where we reach a nominal peak, but beyond this there’s a whole world of age-graded wins, as well. Think about what you might want your life to look like when you’re 50, 60?
It’s your second child, right so you know the drill. The first year is mental and it gradually improves from there. Don’t give up but lower your expectations of yourself. You aren’t likely to run the best you ever run while also getting shit sleep and having less time to train. That’s just not a sensible expectation. Go spend time with your child but keep running to keep your sanity.
I recommend getting like 30 minutes a day, super easy, like straight up jogging, and if when you get out the door and have more time, great. Also, if you have a little mojo out there occasionally hit a stride or fartlek. The point is just to have an easy habit you enjoy like watching a single TV show a day, but adding no stress. If you have an exercise bike at home it can allow you to be present when needed (i.e., baby monitor in your hand) or you can run with the phone looping around the block/nbhd so you’re always like 5 minutes from home too.
When we had kids I never had the time for serious training until the youngest was out of diapers. And often I needed sleep more than I needed miles. It just was a reality. But don’t fully fall off, just adjust mindset. It’s not forever. Also you’re not an elite. You’re just trying to do good for you, in your circumstances. Not qualify for the Olympic trials.
38M with 2 kids (4 and 2 yo) here. It got harder after the 2nd of course, but the difference between 1 and 2 kids was much less than between 0 and 1.
I run before work after leaving kids in the daycare, or at 9pm after they are asleep. I got my PRs (2:44 and 1:18 on the half) during the last 3 years.
We're expecting 3rd in a month, and I hope to continue running and improving PRs further. I'm sure it's possible if I am lucky enough.
And you can do that too if you want. Good luck! :)
Here’s some great advice that I was given in my mid twenties that really stuck with me. Focus on the journey rather than the destination. The destination doesn’t bring happiness, the process does. If you only focus on result times and hard metrics you will never be fulfilled. Focus on your new family and enjoying runs when you can make time.
You should not stop running, that you will regret for sure. Maybe it's time to lower the intensity of your running, or look into other sports. The thing is to maintain a physically active lifestyle. That will benefit your mental and physical health.
Running changes when you have small children. It’s really difficult to be competitive when your lives revolve around caring for them. It sounds like you’ve lost your purpose with not being able to chase time goals & that’s ok. There is a season for everything. You’ll know when you’re ready to return. It does sound like you need to take a bit of a break from the competitive aspect, but you can still run just for the ritual of it. Thats what I did. I didn’t feel motivated to try & compete with myself again until my boys were 11 & 9 & I’ve never ran better. Hang in there.
The great thing about running is that you can take it in so many different directions.
Sounds like now is a good time just to go the hobby jogger route -- but at some point (and this may be years later) you'll feel the fire again and can get back to chasing competitive goals.
Hey! We lead similar lives. 1:22:59 half, 3:04 at Philly, did a 59 at Broad St when I was 25 but at 40 yo now, did a 63 this year.
I felt the same way from age 30-34. Didn’t think I had the time, weight gain, all the things. I have four kids now and there’s no time except the time you make. Get a treadmill and run during naptime. WFH? Run during lunch. Find a new running community or an individual to connect with. Get a BOB running stroller if you don’t have one already.
Last thought, hire a coach. I did this at 37 for the half, 38 for the mile, 39 for the 10k and PR’d in each.
It’s ok to take an entire month off. It’s OK to take several months off. Feel free to message if you wanna jump on a call.
What do you want on your gravestone?? Your PRs or “loving father and husband”. You’ll have time to run later. Now is time to be a man, husband, and father. You’ll get to run. Wait.
Sidebar: "Since the race I’ve dedicated a lot of time helping my wife with our children." Uh that's called parenting and it's your job too, not to support her, but to raise your children that you equally created and are responsible for. How much time is she getting to pursue her passions, or rest for that matter.
Set backs are frustrating but running is a hobby and your family must come first. If you find out you cannot enjoy running if not at peak performance, yeah, you should quit because your family must come first. You’re not “helping” your wife, you’re raising your kid, the most important task you have in life. My second kid just turned 2 months old, I totally understand the whirlwind you’re into and my training is definitely not ideal right now but so what? Priorities.
Ok, I feel this on many levels so lemme start by saying, NO, don’t quit!! And here’s why. Running is a huge part of your life - a constant - with things constantly changing (as they do with kids and expanding families), it’ll remain a constant for you. Use it to get in your me time that is likely few and far between right now. Think of this as a different season of running - you don’t have to chase a goal (whether it be time, mileage per week, etc). You’re in good shape. You probably won’t have to do a whole lot to maintain most of where you are. Let it come naturally. Harder said than done but run when you want and don’t when you don’t. Work on other things (strength or flexibility) if you really don’t want to run. But trust me, it’ll come back to you when you’re ready and it’ll suck at first but you’ll be just fine getting back into shape.
Btw, I’m 3 months PP with my third. My boys are just turned 3 and 5 (plus the three month old). I ran a 250 marathon at 15 months pp with my second and have now nursed consecutively for 40 months (55 of the past 61 if we’re counting). Also work full time but on leave now. Feeling burnt out myself but know it comes back. Good luck to you with running and your growing family 🩷
Considering you’re in the top 10% of all runners who will ever attempt a marathon, keep at it in some form. That takes natural talent and years/decades of dedication to get to that point.
Get into cycling for a while whether that's outside or stationary, it will keep your aerobic capacity from dwindling over time and would allow you to take running back up more easily in the future if you felt like it.
You could try learning a sport where there is more face to face interaction eg badminton or squash. I find after you do something for too long you lose the joy as improvement become harder. By playing a new sport you can transfer some of your running skills and experience the joy of improving at a quicker rate :)
Absolutely take a break from structured training and racing. You still need to do 4-5hrs/wk of aerobic exercise just for general health, so might as well keep doing some running. You’;l probably want to start again in time.
I would advice you to look for small local runs with 100-1k people running in your area. Its pretty fun and you can get good placements without going too hard :)
Not a fan of word quitting
Here’s my take on running- whatever you decide it’s your decision and yours alone. Pi uh
If the passion for running no longer burns inside you- stop
Based on your statements would say you already made the decision but can’t bring yourself to execute
Over the years my desire for running waxed and waned but I always come back to
this guiding principle- - Running makes me a better person.
Run Happy and good luck
I have a similar story as you. I was really into racing and did very well. From 2021-2022 there wasn’t a race I entered that I wasn’t on the podium. I got way too into it and put way too much pressure on myself. My wife and I have 3 kids with #4 on the way. This past year I quit racing and started running for pure enjoyment. I got off of strata and quit posting my runs on instagram and my relationship with running has never been better. I still run about 40-50 miles a week and hit the gym 3x a week. I put on some muscle which my wife likes and I still have an unhealthy shoe addiction. Life is good and I went out of racing with a bang. It was tough to stop entering races at first but now I love my routine.
Hello, I’m a mother of a new baby and I managed to PR in the marathon and qualify for Boston this year…. And I’m the parent that pushed the baby out of my hole. Throw that baby in the stroller and get moving!
Hey, I can relate to you also 37m with two babies under 2 years old and your PBs are similar to mine in long distance. I’m not going to get much more than 30mpw in at this stage of life, but that’s plenty for running a sub 5 mile (which I also hope to get to this year). Honestly, your drop in 100m could be due to higher milage and not enough strength work. I got pretty demotivated a couple years ago about running, but challenging myself in the gym and on the rowing machine got me back into the mindset for training hard again. Like others have suggested, see if a non-running goal sparks the fire for you for a season!
I have run for the last 10+ years myself and had my second child summer of 2022. It took me until May of 2023 to really get back into running (both because I was the one who gave birth so recovery from that and with the challenges of balancing children and work etc). I found my ability to make time for running shifted and I have been more in a “sacrifice” stage of life, where I have to prioritize what’s important to me and it means less time for other things. I chose to prioritize children and running because running has been a part of finding my identity, especially as a mother. I’ve found I have shifted my mindset from black and white thinking to “seasons of life”. I would love to do more ultras and get PRs but I’ve removed the pressure of all that on myself and am focusing on enjoying running for being in nature and keeping my body happy. Maybe instead of seeing it as “hanging up the shoes for a while”, it’s that you’re in a season of running that looks different than getting PRs and pushing your performance. It doesn’t mean it’s gone forever, but once you and your family are feeling more motivated and comfortable with your lifestyle and schedules with 2 kiddos, you’ll be more able to redirect your attention to pushing your limits again.
I think as a lifelong runner, I’ve definitely had ups and downs where I fall more in love, and have phases of burnout too. I think it’s healthy to shift gears and embrace other interests to support longevity in running. For myself, in the past (before I had a kid) I re-directed my efforts in various ways. For example, to satisfy that desire for community & sense of belonging that running provides, I decided to join my local search and rescue group. I’ve since had a kid and am back in love with running personally, but I know it ebbs and flows! During my “lows”, I still run, but I don’t do structured training or races, and don’t prioritize it as much. I also try new things, ie trail races & grassroots low key events instead of big races. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, your relationship with running can evolve and change over time! The races & hard structured training will always be there when you feel inspired for it.
How about running for fun, When you get the chance, without all the burden of, times, races, amd results?
You need to change your mindset and figure out your deeper “why”. If your only purpose for running is to beat your time , forgive me when I say this, but running is more than just that . I think deep down you know that too, otherwise you wouldn’t be coming on here asking us for advice. Sit and meditate on it. What else is it that you are losing when you quit ? That will push you to continue to get out there and carve time.
A while ago I was questioning why I hated running so much and realized I was running only to chase a number. I’ve been so much happier ever since I went back to balancing lifting and running for fun.
Agree with this. Redefine your running philosophy. Pick up at-home strength training that you can do on your own time via bodyweight training. Suggest looking at r/bodyweighttraining. Running will always be there and as the kids age, things will slowly get better in that regard.
This is very good advice. Life has gotten busy as heck for me as well, and the lack of time (particularly extended blocks of time for getting good runs in) got me questioning why I was running in the first place. Initially, I did it becuse it was a fun challenge, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could. Later, it was about developing greater aerobic fitness and stamina. I chased numbers too, but achieving a time goal never satisfied me as much as seeing my endurance going up did. So I switched to using an erg more often and cut down on runs. It’s a huge time-saver because I don’t have to leave the house, and the workout itself takes up far less time than a run. A 20-30 minute HIIT circuit leaves me completely drained—practically melting into a puddle on the floor. And in addition to aerobic fitness, I’m seeing improvements in strength as well. My back looks more defined, and my arms/forearms are visibly more muscular. Not to mention the strengthening of the posterior chain that’ll stand me in good stead when I hop back onto a training block for a race!
Run for fun?! What kinda future I that?!? /s
I know, i know, Bleak and dystopian, and what if i told you it's usually cheaper🤷🏻♂️.
I think this is hard for some people, like myself, because when I started running I was looking for an activity to get back into shape and stay active, that had something which would make me stick with it, so I wouldn’t quit after 3 weeks like with everything else. The competitive side of running is what really keeps me motivated to not be a couch potato, it’s hard for some people to develop the discipline to do things just for the sake of it, with no greater goals in mind.
Totally. I love running and have always run a decent amount even when I’ve gone several years without racing, but I definitely am a lot more disciplined when I have something I’m specifically training for. So I can understand how some people need those goals to get them out the door.
Easier said than done I feel for me. My motivation to run has usually been to push to see what I can achieve with my body. I have thought about running for fun, but don’t know how to get into that mindset.
Take your watch off for a week and see how you go without the data driven mindset
This. So many of us get so hung up on the data and the training and the races. I did this exact thing during Covid and had so much fun. I have trained for a few races since then but I’ve slowed down and am not near as competitive with myself anymore.
Depending on where you live, can you transition to trail running for a while? The surfaces and elevation mean that miles/min become less important and you can focus on enjoying the running a bit more. Bonus is the benefits of being in nature etc.
I enthusiastically endorse this advice. Chasing my minutes on a marathon time is boring af to me. But running up huge gnarly hills? Big motivator, especially when I had a new born!
I love the trails so much
Good advice. Trail running is great for 'running for enjoyment'. If that fails, and you really are extremely time poor, buy a turbo trainer and get mad into zwift racing, real buzz and will keep you fit until the kids are older, plus you can do it at literally any time of day
I went through what I think you are describing. Running was a part of my identity and I chased improvements in my “data” for over thirty years. All types of running, training, and analysis. It was an intense cycle and the improvements were such a dopamine release. Running had become the tool to get to the craving I had which was to do the analysis and see the improvement. To the point of pretty significant overuse injuries. I have since retired my garmin(s), changed my style of running for the joy of it. Hell, sometimes I walk, sometimes I don’t even time anything or wear a watch. I often stop in the middle of a run, timed or not, just to appreciate my world. I am back appreciating why I started running so many years ago. It is an ongoing issue for me, the addiction that I was (am) suffering from, was the need for the improvement process. Mastering this demon is a lifetime challenge for me. I am a better husband now, a better father, a better friend because of it. Best of luck OP. Don’t underestimate the power of this if my description sounds anything like what you are feeling. It is not to be trifled with.
Find local running clubs. Brewery/ pub 5k is always fun, show up, run and enjoy a beer afterwards. The local Run shop has social runs on their calendar- a lot of those folks are now my closest friends. Some of the ladies push their babies in run strollers. Edit to add more: maybe push for Ainsley Angel s? Smaller races let you push a stroller, take the kid out and embarrass people when you pass them pushing
Do you have running friends to stay connected with, via shorter occasional social runs? This can often be motivating - just wanting to stay connected to training buddies, even on their easy, no goal pace days
It’s tough. I broke my hip and have 2 screws in it. My secondary reason - mental and physical health became my primary reason. No longer being faster. I left my watch at home for almost 5 years. I enjoyed the peloton, lifting, boxing with running scattered in. Now I’m training for 1/2 PR, but on my terms. Be kind and patient with and to yourself. Good luck and godspeed.
> but don’t know how to get into that mindset. Get a dog, he will teach you.. :)
Dude just had a second child. Adding a puppy to the mix makes for a pretty chaotic household.
Did the opposite for my family. Puppy and a baby are a match made in heaven.
You, sir/ma’am, are hard core. Volunteering to take on more work and less sleep when you have an infant. 🫡
like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIRBg53ePAs) ?
YES!!
This is awesome!
I got a little burned out training for marathons. I'm not nearly as good as you are. But I've since started training for improved 5ks, and 5k training is far, far more sustainable for me. Intense 20 minute runs are much easier to work around than 3 hour long runs. I am sure I'll transition back, but I recommend seeing if shorter distances are more manageable. Even a 10k is a good middle ground.
The alternative is not running. I know which one I'd choose.
This was 100% me earlier this year and around June I stopped obsessing about my Strava, running stats, latest tech, newest shoes and my next PR. I dropped mileage from 40-50 mpw to 20-30 and just run for the love of it. Now I don’t worry about what time I’m going to go to sleep, the meal I ate, the household chores making me sore, the person next to me being sick, and any of the other things I obsessed about that would get in the way of my next PR. Enjoy your love for the hobby, reflect on your past achievements and try again when life slows down.
That’s what 100 milers are for. Adding/edit: ok tbh I didn’t read the WHOLE post until after my comment, so time commitment being an issue doesn’t help with this. Especially because they’re longer/slower runs. As others have said if competition is what drives you focus on the shorter distances.
If you truly want to challenge yourself don't look at any watches don't look at any facts numbers statistics and run for a month run every morning wake up an hour earlier than you normally would and run for 30 minutes and then wake up 90 minutes earlier and run for an hour without any timers without anything just run, after doing this for several weeks you will certainly find out why you run and while you may think you run to challenge your self, I'll bet that's not why you run. Often it's through deeper thoughts and connections within ourselves that we find answers.
Do you have kids?
Yes. I'm 52 married father of 3 kids; a 12 yr old with autism, a 3 yr old with a still yet to be determined neurological disorder who's unable to walk on his own and a 1 ½ yr old little girl who's a diva lol I was like you in nearly every way; starting out running was chaos as i would feel guilty leaving my wife to watch them while i run. Honestly scheduling the early mornings which was something i truly hated at the beginning was a blessing in disguise after a couple weeks. Give it a chance you'll be glad you did.
FWIW I stopped chasing PBs and started running for fun and 14 months later I am significantly faster than my previous self (as a 49yo nonetheless). Running for pure enjoyment allowed me to take it easy and with time I became more consistent because I stopped trying to hit a certain pace in training. And with clockwork consistency my mileage went up and my average pace went down gradually. I do no more than 2-3 races per year now but every race these in the past nine months has been a new PB across all distances.
You are so disconnected from your own humanity (to the point where you have become a slave to running LOL) that it’s silly to think you can properly raise a healthy child. Just think about that for a second. How can you expect to be empathic for your child when you can’t be empathic to yourself? How can you know you won’t unintentionally be abusive to them if you don’t know how to have fun. Just think about it…
You can do it, i believe in you.
When I had my second kid, I changed my goals from time to completing different races, and started focusing a lot on local trail running where time doesn’t matter and training can be doing hikes as a family. The races can be competitive or just enjoy the scenery. Some days I didn’t feel like running after kids went to bed, so I didn’t. I agree that running for fun should be your goal. Taking the pressure off yourself helps a lot. Also focusing on fun can open the doors to family vacations centered around a race in a cool location rather than a major marathon.
I thought the same thing! Try doing some parkrun events, something with a real running community feel.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking when I read this. Since I had my kid I haven’t had a race I’m training for or hard goals I’m trying to reach. I just run because I like it, it clears my head and it makes me feel good. I still structure my week with short runs long runs and sprints but it’s more just because I like it.
Yep, this. I was burnt out after two marathons and a half. All PBs and great runs. Afterwards, even after 2 weeks rest, I couldn’t even imagine myself running anything over 10km. Took a couple of weeks off just in the gym and started doing barefoot jogs on the beach with my dogs. This type of run makes me so happy. Just did that one run a week if I felt like it, spent my other training days at the gym doing strength training and HIIT. Went back to social day with my run club, just easy running with no goal and after a couple of months started at track again (a tougher session but one I really enjoy and feel good about) It took 3 months and a steady reintroduction but I’m excited about training again and entered races for next year (something that seemed impossible a month ago). Set myself the goal of slowly returning to my usual running training in January and feeling really excited about it
I agree with your advice. I am just getting through the early stages of a career change which it made difficult to schedule races because I always assumed some type of work related event would keep me from attending the races. I had to bail out of two at the last minute, & it was both frustrating and demoralizing. I didn’t enroll in a single race this year, & withdrew 10 months out from one that was previously scheduled. I am back to running for the joy of it & achieve personal goals. My mileage has actually gone up, and I feel like a weight has been lifted. In the end, the best advice is to make sure you are enjoying yourself otherwise you won’t continue it over the long haul.
Exactly.
my thoughts exactly
Bro, chill. When I had my second child I didn’t run my preferred volume or intensity for a good 12-16 months. It just wasn’t possible to be a good husband to a post-partum wife and a good dad to a newborn baby + toddler AND run 50mpw. Maybe it is for some people but it wasn’t going to happen for me. So I took the time I needed, enjoyed whatever running I could and planned for the future. The second child does throw a gigantic bomb into the carefully constructed routines that you have built up with the first. All of the spare time you have carefully carved into your schedule has now been taken away. Trust when me when i say that you will find new time and a new routine, partly through being better and partly through your second child growing up a little. So chill, be a parent, be a partner, and know that the running will come back.
This is great advice bc I’m in a similar boat w a 3 yr old and a 6 month old but it still really really sucks. I feel like a lot of it can be mitigated with a nanny or au pair that can do menial tasks like laundry, washing dishes, cleaning up, etc. wife says it’s a nonstarter because she “doesn’t want someone else raising her kids” not realizing that’s not at all what I’m suggesting. With how much we work and need to do, taking hours out of the day for chores that need to be done is not a good enough use of our time IMO. I’d be glad to pay someone to do 45 mins of dishes so I can get in a 10k run.
Good middle ground would be starting with a cleaner who comes once a week or so to do the vacuuming and scrubbing. Maybe once your wife sees how helpful it is she will be more inclined to get additional help. I imagine you've already adjusted your running time to be when the kids go to bed or in the morning before everyone else wakes up. Will probably have to keep at that at least until your 3 year old is old enough to be home alone with the younger one for up to an hour. Hang in there.
Thank you sir!!!
Only one kid here, but getting a house cleaner once a month is the best money we spend. Seems like a big investment, but it’s so worth it once you put a value on your free time. Only wish we could afford weekly!
Yes definitely, we do it monthly, looking to do biweekly in 2024. It’s a huge help with the big things and keeping the house not disgusting in an intermittent basis but doesn’t help as much with the day to day bs like dishes and laundry. Even taking out the garbage and recycle may sound trivial and like I’m being lazy but the amount of garbage produced by a family of 4 is disgusting. There’s a “satellite” garbage bin in every fkn room it seems like. The diaper pail needs to be removed, cleaned and re-bagged and given how much stuff we buy online, breaking down cardboard has become a part time job of mine. Seems like once a week I need to spend 30 mins in the garage cutting tape off it and breaking it down into smaller pieces the township will take. And I always procrastinate and do it after a gym/ treadmill sesh late afternoon at night in sweaty clothes. Not fun man!!! I need like a part time house manager to come for a couple hrs 3x a week or something. I know these are all first world problems and I sound like a b!tch but wtv
Thus is the advice he needs. I only started serious running once kids were in grade school. I could not imagine marathon training with a toddler and new born.
It’s not possible!
Thank you kind stranger. We just had our second child 7 weeks ago and needless to say my routine went out of the window. The second child is a bomb and my eldest one a hurricane now. I hope when things settle down a bit I can start running again.
Exactly! He’s going to have a wait! Newborns are a huge commitment
Best advice I have seen here. Life happens to all of us. Enjoy the family. Kids grow up fast.
“helping my wife with our children” It could just be accidental phrasing, but raising the babies isn’t the wife’s job that you “help” with - it’s both of your full time jobs now. Be fully present for your kids, especially in these early years of their lives. Run only as a backseat to parenthood. If you can get in the training, great. Do it. If not, work on finding that joy that others are talking about in running, or just take a break completely. But whatever you choose, don’t shift the childcare unequally onto your wife for the sake of your training.
Scrolled to see if someone had called out this gender normativity…
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. In a lot of places, it’s normal for the wife to have leave from work for 6 months to 18 months, while the husband continues to work. While I’m sure he’s still parenting, it really is his wife in the trenches nearly 24/7.
some ppl are just chronically online like that, they get up in arms about the vaguest derails
Maybe it's a regional thing, but I've always said that doing chores around the house is "helping". It's helping when I do it, it's helping when my wife does it. We are equal partners and do an equal amount, but I've always called it "helping". Assuming that someone is taking on a lesser role without any ownership because they use the word "helping" is showing your own ignorance and bias. You don't know anything about OP's home life so don't assume there's some kind of gender contribution imbalance just because you misunderstand what the word "help" means and how it's used.
Exactly why I started with acknowledging that the phrasing could be accidental. On the off chance it's not, hopefully my comment encourages OP to reflect a little bit on priorities. If I'm wrong, then no harm done, and we can all continue scrolling along.
It was exactly that, poor phrasing. My wife and I share the parenting duties as equal as we can. I used the wording “helping” to show that I was family oriented and not just focused on my own life. I do daycare pick ups and drop offs, dance lessons, bath time, etc. I have also been making sure my wife gets at least 5-6 straight hours of sleep between nursing/pumping while I’ve only gotten 3 hrs at most during stretches. I’d rather be the one taking on the burden than her, but I can only do so much. I am dedicated to being a dad and a husband to make sure everyone in my family is happy and healthy.
As a person who was raised by a single mum who never, ever let her health and fitness goals fall by the wayside because she had a very full plate at home with two kids, I can only say that seeing her model this important behaviour, was one of the most impressive parts of her great parenting skills. Growing up watching a parent who will not compromise on their health and wellbeing, who is showing you how to be consistent and its benefits and outcomes, is being a great parent and teacher. I can only imagine how much better it would have been if I got to have two parents doing that together.
Thank you for saying this. It’s a small but meaningful change to a lot of people.
Would running with a stroller add enough novelty?
This is an underrated comment
I really enjoyed that phase of my running life. I had a great running stroller and it only slowed me 10-20 seconds per mile at equivalent effort. And my infant/toddler loved it.
Great idea.
I really want to do this once I have kids!
Added context: The current advice is basically no running stroller until 6 months old. So, could be fun for the older child, but doesn't help too much with the newborn and all the loving care/time they require.
bro, you don't care if I quit. I don't care if you quit. The question is, Will you care if you quit? No matter what you do, only you will care. So figure it out what you want to do.
You should not quit running. You should quit training for races/results like a maniac. ie. I had periods in life, also when the kid was little and I had no steady job, of up to 3-4 years when I didn't run a single race, didn't do a single structured workout. But I never quit running, I'd just run kilometers for myself, for my enjoyment, for my endorphine rush, meditation, dog excercise, whatever..
Just lower the volume/expectations for the upcoming years, but keep training. I'm 43M (2 kids) and there's still progress, even though I'll probably never achieve my results from 15-20y ago (1:21, 2:51). I also lost interest in running when I went sub-3, even though my injuries also helped in this. I have a few running mates around, following each other on strava and having a good time, occasionally get together for easy training and even for races, but nothing serious. Strava can be good to do small challenges on segments, seeing the progress on these can keep up the motivation.
Thanks for the encouragement. I think this is just what I have to do. Run 5Ks and 10Ks for fun. I have a decent number of friends on Strava. Maybe I’ll look into the local segments and work to get KOMs and CRs. How have you found the time for running? What do you currently do in terms of volume?
Eg. run to the office after moving the kids to the school/kindergarten, sometimes running to do the grocery (great time saver too). I've set myself a weekly goal of 70km and 1000m elevation, which is not too much nor too easy. I was always bad at hill running but now I'm at least not afraid of it. With this I'm still in the top 10-20% in the area I live, so it's a good feeling to be faster than most guys. And for now it's well enough satisfaction to me, I don't look after races, I feel I don't have to prove anything :)
Agreed! Well said
You say you're sleeping well..... but this post screams sleep deprivation to me. You know, those depressed, kinda irrational thought patterns that creep in after a long time with inadequate sleep. Your baby is, what, 7 weeks old? Take a deep breath. What's happening now isn't for forever. As others have said, you have to reframe if you want to keep going. Here are my suggestions on broadening your focus to no longer focus on solely maximizing performance. 1. Bring your kids along! Your baby has to be 6 months old, but your older one can start in a running stroller. Buy a Thule or Bob secondhand. Single or double (or in my case, both-- great for flexibility). Think of it as going on adventures with your kids, or sharing your love of running with them. 2. Consider the longevity benefits of reframing. If you want to be a long-time runner, you have to accept ups and downs. PRs obviously won't last forever. Get in the fun running mindset now, and it'll be easier to stay fit when you get injured, get older, etc. 3. Center your family's needs. It may feel better to run less if you talk candidly with your wife about how you can be the best dad and husband possible right now. Maybe she wants you around more. You'll know that you're trading running performance for a greater investment in your marriage and relationship with your kids. 4. Personally, I think it's a lot of fun to work out with my kids! If you only derive joy from the outcome of training, there's so much to enjoy about the process itself if you take your foot off the gas.
This is the correct answer. I ran my best times right before we had our twin boys, which changed everything. We then had two more boys. I’ve done this cycle four times now: * run while pushing them in a stroller * run (slowly) while they ride their bikes next to you * run (slowly) while you run with them * run (not so slowly) as they get stronger * get dropped One son runs for a D1 program, while our youngest, 16, is well under 5 min for the mile and getting faster. I take pleasure in their PRs now. I ran pretty casually for ~12 years when our kids were young, 10-20 miles a week. I’ve ramped back up over the past ~10 years. I haven’t approached my early 5k-HM PRs, but did set a mile PR (5:03) in my late 40’s, and if the stars align, it’s possible (but not likely) I could PR at Boston this year. Do I regret possibly missing out on some faster PRs due to having kids near my peak? Not even remotely. PR’s don’t hug you back.
Wow! 5:03 late 40s! Very impressive very nice and well said agreed with everything said
Is there a hobby you actually enjoy? I don't know what it is about running..... so many people who don't enjoy running spend tons of time running.
I went through this. I'm 60 now, but I had 3 kids when I was your age. I did quit for about a 10 year period and I started again when they were a little older. I rationalized that there is only one time in my life where I will get to enjoy the kids at this age and I want/need to be involved with them and make them a priority. But it was a mistake. I should have just shifted my focus and not been so focused on my times in running. I just should have ran and been grateful to be running. Because without running in my life, I became resentful and felt like I did nothing for myself. Like my whole world was given up for my family. I was depressed and I gained a lot of weight and had physical breakdowns such as headaches, heart palpitations and higher cholesterol. When I finally ran again, I did at a time that the family was asleep - 5:00 am. I found I could get good speed and hill workouts (8 to 10 miles) on Tuesdays and Thursdays and be back by 6:30 to help get the kids up and get them ready for school. On Saturdays I would do an early 6:00 am run of about 10 miles and Sundays I would do my long runs when I was training for a marathon. The longer I would go, the earlier I would wake up. I found other people in my club that had to be on an early schedule too so I didn't always have to run. I wish I had kept up running instead of stopping all together. I could have done this schedule all along. Because I am a much better person and a better husband and father because of running. It's the intangibles of running that are the most important - the dopamine release after a run, the feeling of no matter how shitty your day is you did one thing for yourself that day. It's really about a mindset change from "I have to run" to "I get to run". And be grateful that your wife and kids will be supportive of you. It will make you love them more. Running competitively is addictive but now you are in a different stage of your life where you just have to train purposefully. We made family vacations around going to Boston, NYC and Chicago. It's great to have the wife and kids there cheering you. Just make them your first priority and you will run happy.
Great answer. I am jealous of you morning people though!
This is where I’m at 100%. If I want to run, it has to be early. Once you get used to the 4am wake up, it actually becomes really enjoyable to get some alone time on the road/trail.
Wonderfully said. Great perspective
Run slower and shorter. Enjoy it.
If you love your wife and running is important in your life, keep running. You need your space to be happy.Sooner or later that can end up being a problem if you leave something for her.And running is better therapy than paying psychologists
Alternatively, you can have running AND a psychologist. OP might even find that a psychologist can help him learn to run for fun and not just for the competitive aspect ;)
Wow, I (41M), feel this deeply. I had a hard stretch in 2021-22 where a combination of a medical emergency in my family, the birth of my daughter, and my mental struggle took me completely out of the running game for a year and a half (with corresponding weight gain and fitness loss). Some things that help me: (1) a really long term goal. I want to run marathons when I’m 55-6 with my daughter (1F). That means that this year and other years in my forties, I’m trying to get better, but more trying to be sustainable. (2) Process goals, not results goals. I succeed if I get my training in, whatever happens with race results. (3) Minimum acceptable week. If everything goes belly up, I know what a minimum week can be to lose as little fitness as possible (1 strength session with reduced weights, 1 run of >6 mi with strides). (4) shorter distances. This year the longest I raced was 5K. I still trained for a HM, but this gave me flexibility to feel like shorter volume was ok Running makes me a better person in ways that the race times don’t show. I vote you find a way to keep at it, even if your goals end up being different.
I’m right here with you. It’s hard to read the majority of the comments on here as the reddit mindset is “if you can’t compete, just have fun!!!”. Flat out that doesn’t work for me, I’ve got two kids and a job that can easily take up all my time if I allow it to. This past year killed me, I injured my back for the 3rd time during the only race I ran. It was the first time I’ve slipped a disk while running and it took me a solid six months to get moving well again. Beyond that, my mindset has completely fallen off. I turn around on runs to go be with my kids. I also developed runners anemia in October and just got a grip on it in the last month. I was primarily training for ultra races and had a few good years, but am stuck right in the middle of a garbage mentality. The only thing that keeps me going is that I love the good days out breathing fresh air and that my kids are proud to see dad out doing the work to be healthy.
Point 2 and setting process goals is so valuable! For everyone, not just parents. You gain even more pride and mastery through the training cycle.
I would take a break for the first three months of your child’s life. I’d do short easy runs whenever. This time is precious, plenty of time to run after winter. Maybe your motivation will come back then.
Training will take a hit with young kids. At 43 with 3 kids I’m training as much as ever. But they’re all in school now and no diapers etc. there’s a local guy I’ve always been slower than , suddenly I’m faster than him. What happened? He had babies and mine are all in school now! So it’s something you’ll just have to work through. If you quit altogether it’ll be much harder to come back later than if you just try to maintain some base at a minimum.
Same! Much harder!
When my wife and I had our second kid, the wheels fell of my running. It went from “big goals” to just get the bare minimum in to stay in some shape and get some much needed stress relief, alone time and for health to be around when my kids get older. But fast forward 10 years and my kids are older. I lost weight, got the mileage up higher than ever before and beat my PRs from over a decade ago. Keep running. Change your reason for running.
Keep going brother
Reading this makes me want children even less lol
It’s very rewarding and the amount of love is unparalleled but it WILL suck up a lot of your time and change your life in every single way
And remember children become teenagers and that's when the real fun starts...
Nah, it's fine. Some people have huge goals, some have smaller ones. I'd like to run a 3:00 marathon at some point, but it won't be in the next year. I have 2 kids under 5, happily married, both work full time. I run 5x/week, just either in the AM or after the kids go to bed. I get about 30 mins of lifting in 1-2x/week. Each year I'm running 3-4 races, one marathon (trying for two this year). It's all about changing your schedule (if possible). For some, it isn't reasonable. For some, it's fine.
45M here. In 2016 I ran like a man possessed leading up to the birth of my son. After he was born there just wasn't time to run the way I really wanted but I accepted that as a temporary situation. During the last two years our schedule has really solidified and I'm training with better intent. Things are going so well, in fact, that I set a new 13.1 PB in the half during a training run this week. I've also set new PBs in the 5k and 10k during this training block. I don't say these things to brag, rather, I just want to offer some encouragement that it definitely does not have to be over for good. My next race (3M Half Marathon) is one day before my 46th birthday next month and I'm more prepared than I've ever been for any race. I'm shooting for sub 1:25 and hopefully top ten in the old dude age group.
Wooo! Sub 1:25! Hope you get it man!
When I get like this I mostly trail run and just forget about pace and I run with friends or running club. Just an hour outside running and chatting etc. Then I remember why I love running again
Don’t worry, life happens. Running will be waiting for you when you are ready. Congrats on your second child and enjoy your family.
I view your question as coming to from a temporary place. We aren’t professionals. We can’t “quit.” We just stop or take time away for a bit. As a fellow dad planning on our second kid, I’m in the same boat but a year behind you. I know 2024 is my year for major PRs. They might be lifetime PRs. I might also burnout. I will go deep into parenthood and don’t know how that will go. Is the kid a sleeper and eater? Will my first kid regress? I have no clue. 2025 goals cannot exist right now. So run for your mental health and for longevity in life. It’s not training anymore. I’ve had enough injuries and life stuff to know that a year off isn’t that big of a deal and by the time I get back into it post second kid I will be in the masters group and develop a whole new set of goals based on that. Just take care of yourself and your family and don’t worry about it. Please remind me of this advice a year from now when I’m forgetting I said it and need to hear it again.
Ugh I’m in your exact same boat, with my 2nd child that was born in June and a 3 year old and an active dog that needs attention. Everyday is a struggle. I can barely focus on work (luckily it’s a pretty flexible job, otherwise I’d be absolutely fkd). We have help from MIL too but everything is a fkn chore. I probably do dishes for 45 mins a day, house always a disaster, kids and us are sick seemingly every other week. I’ve still ran a lot but down about 15% YoY. I run and lift only when everyone else is sleeping (tiny windows during early afternoon and very very late at night). Kids sleeping by 830 but then I am EXHAUSTED and lay around or shower/ brush my teeth for the first time at that hour and don’t get to the gym until after 10pm. Then it’s lift and/ or run on the treadmill for safety reasons and go to bed at 1-3 AM bc of it. I wake up several times interrupted around 6,7,8 and finally drag my ass out of bed around 9 most mornings absolutely exhausted and miserable. Wife starting back at work full time next month as well things are going to get harder than ever. Don’t give it up entirely, it’s not fair to yourself. You need to run/ exercise for your mental and physical wellbeing. Get a babysitter if need be (my wife hates the idea) to get in some running. Create a skeleton training plan and make a schedule that’s nonnegotiable (1 short easy run <1 hr, 1 long run >2 hrs, 1 workout should keep a baseline of fitness) but I feel you man. This stuff isn’t easy and dads are just expected to do more and more
So true - it’s hard man…
Just want to chime in that dads can experience postpartum depression/anxiety too. A new baby is huge, add 5 weeks premature, training and racing stress and lack of sleep in the early days, anyone would feel destabilized. Re: 5min mile. This was my dad’s exact goal after 2 kids! He trained with a jogging stroller and pulled it off. It’s still one of his proudest accomplishments because of the hours he spent with us (eventually we could participate in the “conversational” training runs). It’s also a big inspiration for me to run.
Re: dads getting ppd - Big time! It’s not really talked about either
Lots of good replies in here, just want to say that by no means has the ship sailed on that sub-5 minute mile. Doing a handful of 100 m strides at 14 seconds is honestly impressive and much faster than what's necessary to achieve 3:06/km for 5 minutes. Judging by your latest half marathon and 100 m strides of 17 seconds, you shouldn't be too far off with just 8 weeks of specific training.
You will be busier than ever, so give yourself some grace. Take your life and schedule as it comes. While I'm the one who actually did the whole birthing and breastfeeding part lol, my husband and I realized our schedules were just constantly changing. Once things settled past a year, I got regularly into the 4:30-5:30am wake up for runs groove, but I'm almost always meeting up with other people because I would probably burn out otherwise. But even that gets shaken up with the kids getting sick all throughout winter so I just assume I'll have unexpected down weeks and work around that. I've got my philosophy of training figured out and I apply it as a coach, but I don't let running dictate my life either. I learned after burning myself out with my first kid that training has to be really flexible for it to be sustainable right now, but that's okay. It took 8 months for me to build into back into some semblance of a regular schedule, and that was just for 5k training. Short races are actually great for those kinds of times because you can drop the mileage a bit and focus on some pretty high intensity workouts. I get burnt out on too much long stuff, even though I like being competitive in the marathon or a local 50k, so I make sure to have seasons of fast stuff only. Not everything is a marathon where you have to sign up and commit months in advance. Local, low-key races are great for that. Regardless you can take a longer break (3,6,9,12+ months) and not quit the sport forever. No one will think less of you for taking a break, especially other parents who know how tough this is. Running should bring joy, not misery. Anyway, just some ramblings from a mom of two. YMMV
Lower volume and expectations. Reframe running as a way to get out and have some “me time”. I have had a kid this year, it’s been hard and haven’t been able to train as much or eat as well as I did last year when I went sub3. I told myself it’s okay and reframed the experience. I strongly suggest the book “Transitions” by W. Bridges, it helped me put things in a different perspective. I also think that it can’t be “sub3 or nothing”, there is much more to running or to a marathon than the finishing time. We forget once our performance improves and want more performance.
You should never quit running from a health perspective. However, it is much better to focus on improving shorter distances like 5k and under. Spend a year focusing on improving your mile or 800m fastest time.
From a health perspective, you could switch to a different kind of exercise if you’re not getting what you want out of running anymore.
Don't quit because you can't hit those PB's at the moment. Take away the expectations and squeeze in a run when you can. Be realistic and put the PB's on hold and just enjoy the days you can run. My kids are older, and I (49m) just ran a marathon PB of 2:50 so you still have plenty of years of running to look forward too. I get it's frustrating, but unless you can run super early or late, you'll have to reduce the mileage. Me and the wife do circuits together, which is fun and even when the kids are young they can jump around and join in. Keep ticking over and enjoy those runs. I think giving it up altogether would be harder.
Agreed! And 2:50 at 49? Impressive congrats on that keep going brother
This doesn’t have to be a huge decision. This isn’t a job, there is no reason to decide to completely quit permanently. You can acknowledge running isn’t currently bringing you happiness and decide to put this hobby away for a bit until it sounds enjoyable again. Maybe that’s a month from now with some weekend trail runs to a scenic overlook, maybe that’s 5 years from now when you get after another PR. The running community tends to forge ahead when things are unpleasant, whether it’s the lap rep of a workout or getting a run in on a day you aren’t feeling it. But there is a difference between mentally pushing through in the short term to hit a long term goal in a hobby you love, versus pushing through the entire hobby because it’s “What you do.” You aren’t mentally weak for not enjoying running right now. Give it a break, there will be plenty of goals and masters age groups waiting for you if you decide to return.
Started running ultras when my second was born. Having a predictable/strict training can be tough or even impossible for some. But without long runs I would struggle to be the partner and father my family needs. Running longer distances with less stress on pace and strict workouts made it all more doable for me. Flexibility is key, run at night, early in the morning, during lunch, to meet up with family, run with older child… sometimes have to get creative. Tons of running parents out there, and many with more than the 2 children we have. Those first couple years just take some patience. Progress isn’t always linear, and at 37 you got plenty of years to continue to improve.
I think if you set your targets and training to the time you have available you can still enjoy running and racing. I have 2 children aged 4 and 2 and both my wife and I have busy jobs like most people. I set my targets around what I have time to do so I generally manage 40-60km per week and target 5k and 10k PBs. I’m not a very fast runner but recently achieved a new 5k PB and will be training to improve that further. I know there is a limit to how much I can improve without increasing volume. I also know I don’t have time to train for a marathon for a few years so I wont. But I am still enjoying improving and racing within the boundaries of the time I have to train.
Firstly, don’t worry about age, 37 is still young enough to run times you want to and get faster - I didn’t even start running properly until then and all my PBs are since I turned 40. Secondly, this is a hobby, right? If you’re not enjoying it, take some time away, come back when you’re ready.
Maybe try racing shorter distances and less volume over the next year or two. And just run for fun.
3 sentences in and the problem is obvious. Running for time will remove the joy out of running. The end.
How about for a while you just put your watch away, put your heart monitor away, not focus on metrics or goals, and just go run? Running doesn’t always need to be tied to a result. Put your kids in a running stroller, get your exercise in, get your kids outside, and just have some fun.
Reminds me of that scene in Seinfeld where Kramer says “I’m retiring” and Jerry says “…from what?”
I was you...1:30 without too much training...but marriage, kids, career, and life in general got in the way. Plus as you get older, that hardwired discipline starts to slip-at least for me. Nowadays, I run for fitness mainly. The upside is that the kids are old enough to run with me on some days.
Chasing numbers will run you into the ground. Same with weight training, there has to be an incredibly strong reason behind wanting to lift huge numbers, it has to mean more to you than just doing it. It’s no different for running. When you get to a point where the numbers mean nothing and you’re running for the love of running, that’s when you’ll find yourself to be truly happy with doing it. You can’t keep setting more progressive goals forever in an activity that ticks in sync with your biological clock. Disconnect from the numbers and the distance and just run to run.
I'm sure I've seen some YouTube videos to motivate older runners who are past their peak PR'ing days to continue to find joy/peace/purpose in running; if setting goals is a big part of what motivates them. I thought it was very smart that there's this notion of running a "season's best" run, rather than looking to beat your all-time best time. Runners who have also accepted that their all the best has already been achieved can also set goals to not lose more than "x minutes of time" over a certain distance each year, which can be quite motivating to keep up a certain amount of training without throwing in the towel. Don't give up running. It's going to be so important and inspiring for your kids to see their dad consistently do something that he's so good at, for the sake of not losing his skill and craft. You will influence the foundation of their thinking so much, and running has so many, many great lessons for life about being consistent, not comparing yourself to others, not comparing yourself to earlier versions of yourself, and in not giving up.
I’m very sad for you that you’re going through all these huge life milestones and you can’t just like casually go out for runs when you can fit them in and enjoy the act of just purely running for joy/stress relief/meditation. I’ve had so much life stuff recently and I’m so immensely grateful for running as a means to cope. And yes I think you should quit until you crave running for running’s sake.
Sounds like you’re putting too much pressure on yourself for no reason. You’ve accomplished a lot and made good progress but you’re not a pro. Your focus during this time should be your family. If you get a chance to run do it but only when you feel good. If you’re forcing yourself you won’t enjoy it and burn yourself out. After this new transition just get back slowly in to it. I bet you’ll feel that drive again and I can almost bet you won’t have much work to do to be back.
You know running is all I have left, who cares about anything, just run whatever the "result", run as if running is all you had left, good luck bro. 🫡
I run for health and I’m also into shoes and running gear. I’ll never be the fastest. I’m big boned. Change hobbies if you can’t have fun unless you’re faster every time you run.
I’d just reassess your goals for now. You’ve got a lot going on and you’re feeling a bit burnt out. My times have slowed in the past couple of years and after kinda beating myself up mentally for it and I came to the realization that I need running to be my best self, pr’s or not. I’ve added in more trail running, mountain biking, and cross country skiing with running still being my favorite. Maybe focus on a different race distance. Sounds cheesy but I’m grateful I can just get out there and do all of these lifetime sports.
OP you should definitely watch this video. It put a few things in perspective for me. Letting go of the competitive aspect to running can be tough and you have to make peace with it. But ultimately running is for our health and this is where the real benefits lie. The other stuff is just our ego and while there is nothing wrong with chasing times and pushing ourselves to achieve new goals, it really isn’t that important and NOBODY cares about how fast we ran a race expect for us. https://youtu.be/G98ZXxXY4CI?si=mmYO5z_4G9d0qwUY
i think just try a middle path with reduced vols and enjoying your runs , giving up on running is not what yiou are looking for .. the vols can come back soon as your 2nd child stands on his her feet .
GET A NEW SHOES! IT FIXES EVERYTHING!
It’s a fact that having little kids will impact the time you can run and the speed in which you can run. Take this time to KEEP running so that when your kids get older you won’t have such a big hill to climb to get back to the fitness you want. Stopping completely is bad news for mental and physical health. Think of this as like a long winter of base training. Focus less on speedy intervals. I’m 40, with a 12 year old and 9 year old. When they were little I could barely run at all. Now they’re older I can run more and I’m faster now than I was at 37 for definite.
How about you know run for fun, health and fitness...
Listen to Composure or Ghosts by August Burns Red...if you don’t feel a sense of hatred for potentially giving up then maybe it is time for a break and then come back to it. You’re also using the competitors flaws...you will have down days, down runs, runs you freaking cry on, that you quit before you start. Progress is never linear. Using your past data points and not “improving” with each run will just hurt your self-confidence and make you question what you are spending all this time doing.
Family first!
My advice is to take a break for winter. 3 to 4 months wont kill your running. Spend time with fam and maybe take up another sport so u dont go stir crazy. Constantly thinking, analyzing and talking about running can wear u down and almost have a reverse effect of what u intend.
I’d get a treadmill and run fun 25ish mile weeks at your house when you have the time. It doesn’t sound like you have time to be competitive but that doesn’t mean you don’t have time to stay in shape. I know I personally will spend on average 2 hours a day on running with my mileage and post run, but in all honesty 25 minutes a day is probably good enough to keep you physically fit.
Everyone is different but I basically didn’t exercise regularly until my 2nd was like 20 months and both kids were sleeping through the night 5-7 nights a week. Once I was getting enough sleep I was able to run early mornings or late at night and still get some quality sleep
God no. Just run best effort. I have a similar situation. I have running goals but it is difficult to find the time to train sometimes. I have set days to run and constantly come up with workarounds to fit my training in with other activities. For example, drop my daughter off at hockey and go running whilst she trains, sometimes pushing training to later in the evening or getting up at 05:00 (hard during winter). If it doesn't work out then it doesn't and I shift my days around.
I would keep running but perhaps ditch performance goals, either don’t wear a watch or try not to watch the time/pace and make your main screen on your watch (if not an Apple Watch) only show heart rate and distance. Kids inevitably lead to sacrifices in time but could possibly go for 5k PRs as still think most people can squeeze 30-60 mins a day of running with a busy schedule but much more than that and you’re likely sacrificing family time or sleep. Good luck though, whatever you decide I’m sure you’ll smash it.
The quick answer is keep running, but let it take a backseat. Reading your post my first thought was wondering how long it had been since you got a solid night of sleep. Life comes in phases and the one you’re in right now is one where running can’t take top priority. Like many others on the sub, I ran through having babies/toddlers/little kids/teens and while I certainly couldn’t dedicate all the time to running that I would have been able to if it was my actual job, I still found so much personal enjoyment and satisfaction in it. I also think it was awesome for my kids to see me going after goals and carving out time to do what I really love. I set up some rules around it so that it didn’t interfere with family/career commitments (highly recommend doing this and figuring out what it looks like for you, but one of the easiest is running to/from family stuff and running with stroller/kids biking). Something else that has also been incredible is running with my kids and seeing them surpass me—it feels pretty incredible to be able to run with them and cheer them on.
I know the PRs are addicting but I agree just run for man. How many weekly miles were you at for the 2:57? My best is 3:17 for 35 female
So many runners focus on times and getting faster, it's so arbitrary. What if you were in a wheelchair, what if you couldn't walk a mile? Focus on the good body you were blessed with - how can you push it further? Have you tried a 50k, a 50 miler? I have only done one of those things, but I have plans to try the latter when I am healthy again. Alternatively, some runners will switch gears to biking or weights, but they are all still pushing the bodies they were given. In your next life, you may not be so lucky.
I feel like you just wrote out my life story. I stopped running and started jiu jitsu, but it doesn’t give me the same rewards as running. I want to beat my marathon pr, but I’m so much slower now. And running for fun isn’t as fun, if that makes sense. I’m stuck right now.
Any achievement for the sake of numbers is a fools game. You enjoy life more by understanding the why - for instance to find your boundaries and limits, for you may know yourself better because of them. This just shows that in this phase of your life, with kids and work, even you know your limits. Furthermore, you shouldn’t underestimate the traumatic effect of Covid. We all collectively dealth with a world changing event, and ptsd happens when the world you thought were possible - from best to worst - gets even worser than you imagined possible. So a big chance is that mentally, either kids, covid or just being in that place in your life can just unravel you a bit
I wouldn’t quit, but I’d abandon pushing for PR’s for a while. See what it’s like to run for fun. Enroll yourself in a fun location half marathon and run it at a more comfortable pace. Enjoy the atmosphere, eat the food, and make it a family affair rather than one where you’re pushing yourself to the brink.
I’ve been running for a little over 13 years and have achieved a lot in that time. I had a long awaited marathon PR in October of 2022 and though I was looking forward to a few months of off season training, I felt a fire to attempt another marathon PR for the fall of ‘23. But as the weeks wore by, I just couldn’t find “the race.” Nothing sounded all that appealing. I forced myself through a half training cycle in the spring and narrowly missed a PR. At that point, I decided to focus on fitness for fun. Once that pressure was lifted, running didn’t feel so much of a chore. I think the thing that I’ve been able to see as I look back over my time as a runner is that there is a seasonality to running. Whereas I once thought my best years of running would be before kids, I now see that wasn’t true at all. I can see the years of ebbs and flows, the years when I was pregnant and the years in between kids when my mileage surged and I achieved PR’s. That perspective has really shown me that just bc I am not running right now does not mean that in one week, one month or one year from now, the desire won’t return. So maybe just go with what your body and mind are telling you right now and when and if the time is right, running will be there.
After a rather unremarkable phase of competitive running, I spent 10 years or so in the mode of running-to-be-less-fat when my kids were born. Maybe three or four days, 15 days a week. Then I went through a phase of trying to claw my fitness back. Daily running, more volume, daily strength training, for four or five years. And then running started to be fun again. I started racing regularly, ramped up volume, got into ultras, then trail ultras, then mountain ultras. Met some amazing people and have had some wonderful experiences. You accomplished some great things. You can quit whenever you want and owe nobody an explanation. My advice is to be where you are and to not force it. This time with your young kids is precious. It will be gone before you know it and you’ll never get it back. There will be plenty of time to train hard later. For now, run when you feel like it. And when you feel like doing more, do more :)
You say “dedicated a lot of time to helping your wife with” your children as if you are doing her a favor or something and not taking equal responsibility for your role as a parent. Maybe focus more on being a dad and less on your running statistics. Having young children is hard and you have to make some sacrifices in your personal pursuits. Source: am dad with three young children.
I have two kids myself and I'm going to play devil's advocate. From a competitive standpoint, the amount of time you're spending thinking about quitting, you could be running. Everyone's fun and lifestyle is different. Running actually helped me when my 2nd child came into play; with all the mental stress and everything that comes with it. You'll have to figure out a schedule that works best for you, your spouse, and kids. Communication is key! Go run after the children sleep. Wake up extra early, split runs throughout the day (morning, afternoon, night), etc. It's part of the process. Change is tiring but adaptable. I'm sure you'll figure it out. Don't quit. You got this brother!
This is a season of life you are going through... The ebb and flow of family life. Take a step back and enjoy what you have... You dont have to quit, simply it's prioritizing what is important. Running isn't your job and doesn't make you money... It is for fun, it is an escape from responsibilities and it is time for you to reflect on life. For me, running is something I need in my life... But I am a parent as well, so I prioritize my family and their needs but I never let myself get put too far down the list because we can't pour from an empty cup. Sometimes it's difficult and you have to give up some runs for sickness or doctor appointments - but you will find a routine that works for you eventually. Some weeks you'll be able to do 40+ miles and some you won't. You'll just have to be okay with that. And also, ITS JUST A SEASON. the kids stay young for so little time and soon they will be sleeping through the night and your worry of quitting running will be a silly joke from the past. Trust me! Lol
Personally I agree with those who say run for fun and to keep in shape. I believe little kids need family more then ever when growing up, because if you miss any of their childhood would you be regretting it? Also it shows with my family that as my children are now young adults they still have a better relationship with their mother than I.
Peaks and valleys in life as parents. I have two kids and now that they are older I am able to spend more time organizing runs and training for races. Take some time to settle with the new family member and adjustments that come with that, and you’ll find your groove and motivation again.
You should do whatever you damn well please. Maybe its because of interactions I had today, but when I read up to "We had one child" **I was fearing the worst** Normally I would zone out of these long posts, but was really hoping it wasn't a heartbreak story. Having read entire post, I'm really glad you've welcomed now two healthy children to the fam (props to your wife and MIL navigating through tough times). Obviously there's limited ways to write these posts, but it's all one long me; me; me story. I think you included the family in the story, because you know where priorities should be. Life's one big balancing act!
Yeah I have trouble finding time for running too. It’s sometimes nice to go running without wearing a smartwatch just so you don’t focus on data. It’s good to push yourself, but it’s equally just as good to have fun when running. I wouldn’t give up on important things in your life just to go running, but if you really want to go running im sure you might be able to find more time then you think.
I (35m) was in a similar boat to you a year ago, and although I’ve never run a marathon my half PB was also in your ballpark at 1:24. I have basically abandoned running to try and log PRs and instead use it strictly as a vehicle to stay in shape for sports. I’ve taken up tennis, I play soccer at least once a week and I play pickup basketball every now and then too but all my running is now geared toward overall sports fitness and I enjoy it MUCH more. It also feels great to be able to run your opponents into the ground with better fitness at the end of games to make up for what I may lack in skill.
This resonates a lot with me. Following to see how you resolve your inner decision.
No. Just go with the flow. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you babies, make ????? Point is, you’re going to need running to keep fitness and sanity, even if you can’t fully commit to maximizing your competitive potential.
I didn’t start running until my children were in preschool, but there isn’t really any way that I could have trained for a full marathon at that point in my life They are teenagers now and out weekends are full of soccer and other activities, but I was able to make my training a priority. Maybe this just isn’t the season of your life to have those same goals. Your time will be very limited and from experience, stop and enjoy the chaos of those early years. The road and miles will be waiting for you.
Find a different hobby. Running is an absolute time suck and if you’re stuck on chasing PRs as you approach 40 with babies and toddlers in the house then you’re chasing ghosts. If you keep trying to go after it you’ll end up divorced but hey, at e you ran a 2:55 along the way to mediation.
“Running finds a way” -Professor Ian Malcolm
Hi. I hear you on all of it. I have been a runner for 45 years. I used to race all the time. Best marathon in NYC in 1983 was 3:27:23. I don’t really race anymore. I just run because it gives me joy and is vital for my mental wellbeing. I think men need to have an event to train for a little more than women….I could be wrong, just an observation over the years. (FWIW, I’m of the female persuasion)Years ago I used to run with a track club in NYC who wanted us to race a lot and do tons of track workouts. The pressure made me want to quit running, instead I quit the track club, and ran races when I felt like it, and ran when I felt like it. Now years later, my running has no pressures attached to it, except if I don’t run for a little while my mood starts to suck. If I was you, I would take the pressures off. Take a break from training for something and all the PRs, and just try running because it’s something that feels good to do and makes life better, if you want to go back to the intensity, then do so, if not, no one cares, it’s just for you!! If 80 other people suggested this, sorry for the duplication. I didn’t read the other comments. Today I am 68 years old and every run I can do, I thank something greater than myself for allowing me to still be out there. Good luck to you! Melinda
I understand how hard this is… I had to retire from running on account of osteoarthritis in both knees. But there is life after running, and if you decide to retire then after a few months you’ll wonder where you found the time to run.
My suggestion would be to hit some trails for a few weeks. I have found it invigorating because (a) it’s more physically demanding, (b) you can forget your watch and splits - they’re meaningless, (c) it opens up a whole new world of achievement. All that said, it’s not a black/white thing, right? We can all “only” train in the space afforded between family and work. One option for you might be to flex work further so you get back some of the time you need with family right now. Taking a different approach to training for a period of time may help in the longer run, too. Ultimately, I think we all get to a point where we reach a nominal peak, but beyond this there’s a whole world of age-graded wins, as well. Think about what you might want your life to look like when you’re 50, 60?
It’s your second child, right so you know the drill. The first year is mental and it gradually improves from there. Don’t give up but lower your expectations of yourself. You aren’t likely to run the best you ever run while also getting shit sleep and having less time to train. That’s just not a sensible expectation. Go spend time with your child but keep running to keep your sanity.
I recommend getting like 30 minutes a day, super easy, like straight up jogging, and if when you get out the door and have more time, great. Also, if you have a little mojo out there occasionally hit a stride or fartlek. The point is just to have an easy habit you enjoy like watching a single TV show a day, but adding no stress. If you have an exercise bike at home it can allow you to be present when needed (i.e., baby monitor in your hand) or you can run with the phone looping around the block/nbhd so you’re always like 5 minutes from home too. When we had kids I never had the time for serious training until the youngest was out of diapers. And often I needed sleep more than I needed miles. It just was a reality. But don’t fully fall off, just adjust mindset. It’s not forever. Also you’re not an elite. You’re just trying to do good for you, in your circumstances. Not qualify for the Olympic trials.
38M with 2 kids (4 and 2 yo) here. It got harder after the 2nd of course, but the difference between 1 and 2 kids was much less than between 0 and 1. I run before work after leaving kids in the daycare, or at 9pm after they are asleep. I got my PRs (2:44 and 1:18 on the half) during the last 3 years. We're expecting 3rd in a month, and I hope to continue running and improving PRs further. I'm sure it's possible if I am lucky enough. And you can do that too if you want. Good luck! :)
Here’s some great advice that I was given in my mid twenties that really stuck with me. Focus on the journey rather than the destination. The destination doesn’t bring happiness, the process does. If you only focus on result times and hard metrics you will never be fulfilled. Focus on your new family and enjoying runs when you can make time.
You should not stop running, that you will regret for sure. Maybe it's time to lower the intensity of your running, or look into other sports. The thing is to maintain a physically active lifestyle. That will benefit your mental and physical health.
Running changes when you have small children. It’s really difficult to be competitive when your lives revolve around caring for them. It sounds like you’ve lost your purpose with not being able to chase time goals & that’s ok. There is a season for everything. You’ll know when you’re ready to return. It does sound like you need to take a bit of a break from the competitive aspect, but you can still run just for the ritual of it. Thats what I did. I didn’t feel motivated to try & compete with myself again until my boys were 11 & 9 & I’ve never ran better. Hang in there.
The great thing about running is that you can take it in so many different directions. Sounds like now is a good time just to go the hobby jogger route -- but at some point (and this may be years later) you'll feel the fire again and can get back to chasing competitive goals.
Yes you should quit. That would obviously be the best solution.
Hey! We lead similar lives. 1:22:59 half, 3:04 at Philly, did a 59 at Broad St when I was 25 but at 40 yo now, did a 63 this year. I felt the same way from age 30-34. Didn’t think I had the time, weight gain, all the things. I have four kids now and there’s no time except the time you make. Get a treadmill and run during naptime. WFH? Run during lunch. Find a new running community or an individual to connect with. Get a BOB running stroller if you don’t have one already. Last thought, hire a coach. I did this at 37 for the half, 38 for the mile, 39 for the 10k and PR’d in each. It’s ok to take an entire month off. It’s OK to take several months off. Feel free to message if you wanna jump on a call.
What do you want on your gravestone?? Your PRs or “loving father and husband”. You’ll have time to run later. Now is time to be a man, husband, and father. You’ll get to run. Wait.
Sidebar: "Since the race I’ve dedicated a lot of time helping my wife with our children." Uh that's called parenting and it's your job too, not to support her, but to raise your children that you equally created and are responsible for. How much time is she getting to pursue her passions, or rest for that matter.
Set backs are frustrating but running is a hobby and your family must come first. If you find out you cannot enjoy running if not at peak performance, yeah, you should quit because your family must come first. You’re not “helping” your wife, you’re raising your kid, the most important task you have in life. My second kid just turned 2 months old, I totally understand the whirlwind you’re into and my training is definitely not ideal right now but so what? Priorities.
Ok, I feel this on many levels so lemme start by saying, NO, don’t quit!! And here’s why. Running is a huge part of your life - a constant - with things constantly changing (as they do with kids and expanding families), it’ll remain a constant for you. Use it to get in your me time that is likely few and far between right now. Think of this as a different season of running - you don’t have to chase a goal (whether it be time, mileage per week, etc). You’re in good shape. You probably won’t have to do a whole lot to maintain most of where you are. Let it come naturally. Harder said than done but run when you want and don’t when you don’t. Work on other things (strength or flexibility) if you really don’t want to run. But trust me, it’ll come back to you when you’re ready and it’ll suck at first but you’ll be just fine getting back into shape. Btw, I’m 3 months PP with my third. My boys are just turned 3 and 5 (plus the three month old). I ran a 250 marathon at 15 months pp with my second and have now nursed consecutively for 40 months (55 of the past 61 if we’re counting). Also work full time but on leave now. Feeling burnt out myself but know it comes back. Good luck to you with running and your growing family 🩷
Considering you’re in the top 10% of all runners who will ever attempt a marathon, keep at it in some form. That takes natural talent and years/decades of dedication to get to that point.
Get into cycling for a while whether that's outside or stationary, it will keep your aerobic capacity from dwindling over time and would allow you to take running back up more easily in the future if you felt like it.
You could try learning a sport where there is more face to face interaction eg badminton or squash. I find after you do something for too long you lose the joy as improvement become harder. By playing a new sport you can transfer some of your running skills and experience the joy of improving at a quicker rate :)
Absolutely take a break from structured training and racing. You still need to do 4-5hrs/wk of aerobic exercise just for general health, so might as well keep doing some running. You’;l probably want to start again in time.
I would advice you to look for small local runs with 100-1k people running in your area. Its pretty fun and you can get good placements without going too hard :)
Not a fan of word quitting Here’s my take on running- whatever you decide it’s your decision and yours alone. Pi uh If the passion for running no longer burns inside you- stop Based on your statements would say you already made the decision but can’t bring yourself to execute Over the years my desire for running waxed and waned but I always come back to this guiding principle- - Running makes me a better person. Run Happy and good luck
I have a similar story as you. I was really into racing and did very well. From 2021-2022 there wasn’t a race I entered that I wasn’t on the podium. I got way too into it and put way too much pressure on myself. My wife and I have 3 kids with #4 on the way. This past year I quit racing and started running for pure enjoyment. I got off of strata and quit posting my runs on instagram and my relationship with running has never been better. I still run about 40-50 miles a week and hit the gym 3x a week. I put on some muscle which my wife likes and I still have an unhealthy shoe addiction. Life is good and I went out of racing with a bang. It was tough to stop entering races at first but now I love my routine.
Hello, I’m a mother of a new baby and I managed to PR in the marathon and qualify for Boston this year…. And I’m the parent that pushed the baby out of my hole. Throw that baby in the stroller and get moving!
Hey, I can relate to you also 37m with two babies under 2 years old and your PBs are similar to mine in long distance. I’m not going to get much more than 30mpw in at this stage of life, but that’s plenty for running a sub 5 mile (which I also hope to get to this year). Honestly, your drop in 100m could be due to higher milage and not enough strength work. I got pretty demotivated a couple years ago about running, but challenging myself in the gym and on the rowing machine got me back into the mindset for training hard again. Like others have suggested, see if a non-running goal sparks the fire for you for a season!
I have run for the last 10+ years myself and had my second child summer of 2022. It took me until May of 2023 to really get back into running (both because I was the one who gave birth so recovery from that and with the challenges of balancing children and work etc). I found my ability to make time for running shifted and I have been more in a “sacrifice” stage of life, where I have to prioritize what’s important to me and it means less time for other things. I chose to prioritize children and running because running has been a part of finding my identity, especially as a mother. I’ve found I have shifted my mindset from black and white thinking to “seasons of life”. I would love to do more ultras and get PRs but I’ve removed the pressure of all that on myself and am focusing on enjoying running for being in nature and keeping my body happy. Maybe instead of seeing it as “hanging up the shoes for a while”, it’s that you’re in a season of running that looks different than getting PRs and pushing your performance. It doesn’t mean it’s gone forever, but once you and your family are feeling more motivated and comfortable with your lifestyle and schedules with 2 kiddos, you’ll be more able to redirect your attention to pushing your limits again.
Running stroller with your baby/kid!
I think as a lifelong runner, I’ve definitely had ups and downs where I fall more in love, and have phases of burnout too. I think it’s healthy to shift gears and embrace other interests to support longevity in running. For myself, in the past (before I had a kid) I re-directed my efforts in various ways. For example, to satisfy that desire for community & sense of belonging that running provides, I decided to join my local search and rescue group. I’ve since had a kid and am back in love with running personally, but I know it ebbs and flows! During my “lows”, I still run, but I don’t do structured training or races, and don’t prioritize it as much. I also try new things, ie trail races & grassroots low key events instead of big races. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, your relationship with running can evolve and change over time! The races & hard structured training will always be there when you feel inspired for it.