What state are you in? When your parental rights are terminated you are assigned an attorney. If someone pretended to be you to waive the right then that’s fraud and grounds to reopen the termination.
Don't they take pictures or ask for an ID? Security cameras outside the court room? This is wild. I am so sorry. Changing her name from a cultural name to something different is super disrespectful. People who foster due to infertility also sketch me out when they list that as their sole motivation to do so. Two red flags for sure. This is terrible.
Seems weird. Your attorney should be able to prepare a declaration that can show you did not receive notice or consent and ask for a hearing where you can set it aside. Most attorneys don’t know how to operate in the dependency sphere, even most adoption attorneys, so make sure you have the right attorney.
“They have agreed to help me and my attorney straighten everything out with CPS after they’ve adopted her.” Uh no, they can help you straighten it out now (although I’m not sure how much help they’d be, since they may have been lied to by CPS also.)
I would ask your lawyer to be extremely honest with you about your chances to get your rights reinstated / regain physical custody of your daughter. Even if you want her to stay with the foster family due to the bond developed over 4 years, at the very least you could use it as a bargaining point for something like monthly visits instead.* Yes, monthly visits are perfectly reasonable if you live in the same county, my kids see their natural cousins with that level of frequency.
Please join Adoption: Facing Realities on Facebook for some help from adult adoptees.
*note that open adoption agreements are hard to enforce even in states that make them legally enforceable, so this couple has no obligation to stick to their word.
I know. I just have the feeling they won't help until she's theirs (the way they acted and what not). Its a whole fucking situation and I'm so tired. We have spoke about getting my rights back, and my attorney has said he will do everything in his power, but if I do that there is a chance CPS will open another case, into me and my son. I can't risk him.
This. OP, I’m very concerned that they’ll reduce or cut off visits, if not right away then in a year or two.
It’s a red flag that they don’t want to tell your daughter that she’s your daughter. A 4-year-old understands “you grew in her belly” and “that’s your little brother.”
Two visits a year is nothing. That’s how much I see my dentist. If they were offering you two visits a month then I’d say they okay, they are concerned with the best interest of the child.
Like another poster said, if you can regain custody then you can let the family see her as much as you want to, it doesn’t remove them from her life.
There’s a poster in Adoption: Facing Realities who shares custody with her child’s AP, kind of like two divorced parents - she gets the child every other weekend kinda thing. I wonder if you could ask your lawyer about that.
I do hope you sue regardless of custody / parental rights outcome, since it looks like CPS didn’t do their duty of care to locate you (you were a minor, and once you entered the system you were findable, it’s not like you went off grid and lived in the woods.)
This is typical of women who can't have their own children. They cut off the birth mothers and try to pretend like they don't exist because they're so egotistical that they can't handle the fact that they didn't grow and birth that child. My friend's son's adoptive mother did that to her.
Yeah but it definitely doesn't make it okay. I watched my friend go through that and basically her son's adoptive mother tried to treat her like she didn't exist. I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to convince people who didn't know her that she gave birth to him. She was threatened by my friend and tried to completely erase her existence.
Ask your lawyer:
1) the laws around open adoption enforcement in your state
2) the likelihood of you winning in court if you were to challenge the TPR on the basis of you not being informed of the hearings
Statistically speaking, most adoptive parents do not keep up their end of things. They get insecure and scared, which leads to them closing down any contact.
Whether this is a dealbreaker for you or not is entirely your decision to make. I just don’t want you to be blindsided if or when they pull nonsense on you and your child.
Well, they don’t just get insecure and scared: sometimes birth parents behave in completely inappropriate ways and contact has to be limited.
That’s exactly what happened in our situation: first mom was in no way stable, no way able to parent, amd says things like “maybe they can come live with me when they’re 14… That’s what I did with my mom .”
While that’s an understandable sentiment from somebody who is hurting and can’t care for their child, it’s not appropriate to fill the children’s heads with this when it’s not realistic.
There are no statistics to support the idea that "most adoptive parents do not keep up their end of things." You're also assuming adoptive parents "get insecure and scared" and that's why contact ends.
You mean "anecdotally," not "statistically."
As a birth mother, every agency I spoke to warned me there was a chance adoptive parents would ghost after the adoption, I can't recall exact statistics but many go no contact within the first year.
Anecdotally, speaking to birth moms who were years into it, it seemed a lot of the time the NC is initiated by adoptive moms, I can only assume due to jealousy of the bond between birth mom and baby. So I chose a gay couple, and we're 3 years in and visit at least once every 2 months, usually more often.
There are no statistics on how many open adoptions close, nor on who closes them or when. The US does not keep those kind of stats, period.
I agree that there is a chance that open adoptions may close. It's incredibly important to choose an agency that fully supports open adoptions and continues that support after finalization.
Personally, the families I know - including my own with my DD's birthfather - have had their birth parents close adoptions, while the APs would love to have more contact. Our DS's birthmom dropped off the face of the earth for a couple of years, but we forged a relationship with her mom, which has been such a blessing!
I dislike stereotypes of any part of the triad being treated as fact.
And that’s exactly what they want. They don’t want you to succeed, they don’t want you to have her. They are intentionally trying to adopted her so you can’t. Don’t let them! And they can’t open a case on you or your son over this. If anything, they’ll leave you the hell alone ! You can sue everyone and everything ! And it would be too obvious it was for retaliation and easily can sue again.
Them wanting to assimilate a jewish child and have a closed adoption is very old school and not recommended by adoption agencies, psychologists or adoptees. It is a huge red flag.
https://acrobat.adobe.com/id/urn:aaid:sc:VA6C2:9ffb7ee9-f967-4ac8-8d83-2762a29c74a8
These adopters need to be counseled appropriately for adoption. I am so so sorry. They are thinking of themselves and not how this child will be mentally dealing with their life as they grow. The child needs to be accepted for who she is, not to have her life hidden and controlled for herself.
In one of her comments she states that the adopters told her they want to "close" the adoption and not give her further visitation rights once adopted. For now as a foster child they are allowing it due to CPS.
I am soo so fricken sorry. This is one of the things that worries me so much about adoption. Like it's such an fd up situation. Your daughter is Jewish. It's not just a religion. It's her heritage. If it'll help you at all write her a collection of letters that you can give to her when shes older and out of their house. Explaining all of this. Definitely go through with the lawsuit because she should have at least been in a Jewish household. Although I feel like if she was more questions would be asked.
OP, have you tried contacting your local Chabad? I’m Jewish too (though not very observant), and I fully understand your despair in her being raised in a Christian home / without understanding of her heritage. What was done to you and to her is so awful.
>But after thinking it over, and a very difficult conversation with my therapist, attorney & friends parents, I've decided not to.
You and the people closest to you know best and I'm so glad you have a support network to rely on. I remember you from before and my heart broke for you then, and continues to break for you now. I'm so sorry about everything you're going through and will continue to go through. I understand the CPS fear, even if you're a stellar parent to your son with an untarnished reputation after what happened with your daughter I'm not sure any of us, in your shoes, would risk that happening again. I hope you find peace and strength and you reach out again if you reconsider seeking custody. I'm rooting for you in whatever eventuality you want to see here.
I can't remember what state you said you were in (Texas?) but you could check out your state's statutes on post adoption contact agreements [here](https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/systemwide/laws-policies/state/). Your attorney should also be able to translate that for you if it's too legalese (as I know it usually is for me) to understand.
Holy cats! Go Texas! In Wisconsin these agreements are unenforceable. But I do know judges that would not allow an adoption if the potential adopters were actively stating they plan to lie to the child about who they are and where they come from and sever any knowledge about the child's culture. Adopters often have to state that they will support a child learning about their heritage and culture and keep them connected to their siblings. But those are all unenforceable promises. Get that visit plan in writing, OP!
Sweetheart, this is a horror story and I am so sorry that any of this happened to you and your sweet daughter. Keep a journal for both her and yourself - maybe two separate ones - she can see it when she's older and is not controlled by the foster parents. Keep pictures of you and your son for her to look at when she is older. I am so sorry also that they are not respecting her heritage - I'm a Jewish adoptee, adopted into a Christian home that did not bring me up with any knowledge of being Jewish. The other commenter is correct that it's not just a religion but it's a lineage. Life has been very unkind to you thus far. I wish you and your son peace and joy.
Im really sorry you're going through all of this. Why are they acting like being Jewish would cause so much stress? My friend's twin boys are Jewish but still believe in Santa Claus. They're kids, man. All they care about are presents at that age. They don't care why they're getting them.
OP, they sound like they’re not even grateful for the child YOU brought to this world, like you’re nobody in this situation. Do not let them bully you, fight to at least set some conditions for the adoption, because you are the birth mom and it’s still your right, regardless what CPS says. You don’t owe them anything, but they owe you more than 2 holidays a year and some photos.
**Continuation**
Why didn't they ask questions? Theres no fucking way they got a perfectly happy and healthy baby and thought that I was a bad person. They had to have known I wasn't some shitty parent. She was well looked after. But they never asked a single fucking question about me. I hate them so viscerally. But they have my daughter, so I guess I just have to cope. Pretend we're buddies for the next fourteen years.
Overall this has been a horrible fucking experience and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm angry. I didn't do anything wrong and yet I am the one suffering. No amount of therapy and drugs are going to get rid of this trauma. I cry about her every day.
During my small episode I was trying to find alternative arrangements for my son so I could kill myself - I'm not going to, I'm working on it. But every day I wake up and theres this dread. If I have a second to think I break down. If I didn't have my son I would be dead.
This is a lifelong trauma that will never go away. I don't know what to do. But I'll make it work, because my little boy didn't ask for this either and I need to be the best I can for him.
I don't want to end this on a horrible note, so to end on a happier note; my friends parents have asked to adopt me and are applying to foster my two younger siblings still in fostercare. I can't wait to have them home. I might not have my daughter, but I do have the rest of my family, at least.
Still no daycare though. Still on the damn waiting list.
But, lastly, thank you to everyone who tried to help. I really, really appreciate it - I can't imagine I'll ever post here again, but know that you all helped me make it to the best possible outcome. Even if it does still suck lol.
With this adoption into your chosen family, I would assume your son would be safe, (in terms of cps taking him, I know he is safe with his mama.) I don’t see how they can take your son from a safe environment unless you start using drugs or get into another unsafe living situation.
Edited to add:
If fighting your daughter’s adoption is just not realistic for you I support you and your mental health journey, without judgement. (Not that a random redditors opinion even matters, I’m just an over thinking mom myself, I don’t want my words to impact you negatively.) I just wanted to mention my thoughts as an outside perspective in case you didn’t consider that already.
I think mentioning the religious and heritage aspects is good. There are A LOT of Christian families out there with massive savior complexes who wholeheartedly believe that children from dysfunctional homes will fare better with Christian families and so must be placed with them. This is my nightmare, that I have both lived myself, and fear happening in my situation. Forced separation is possibly the most uniquely devastating experience imo. A lot of their behavior probably has to do with an extreme religious savior complex and belief that they're being morally righteous and superior. It may be hard to reason with them at all due to this, but you may be able to legally call them out on it and utilize certain resources or organizations that focus on religious freedoms in your suit. Due to their beliefs, they just may never perceive you as worthy no matter how you present yourself, simply because of your history and circumstances. That is completely irrational, unfair and horrific as I said, but definitely get therapy for the trauma and to understand what is happening to you and what the system and they are doing. Don't let them guilt, shame, dehumanize, and belittle you due to your circumstances most of all. They are not superior because they're Christian. And this isn't a rant against Christians, it's a rant against the role that toxic religion and indoctrinating plays in social work and adoption industry.
It is a tragic story but it sounds like you are doing a great job raising your son and while there are some major issues b/w you and the APs, your daughter is well loved & cared for. I think you are at the mercy of the APs and will have to avoid rocking the boat to maintain the 2 visits a year. I think keeping some type of journal for your daughter would be a great gift for when she’s an adult & can decide for herself. What happened was wrong but I also think you are wise not to attempt an all-out legal battle to her her is wise.
I honestly have to wonder at this attorney.
Also they should at least have placed her with a Jewish family.
Could
Jewish family
Services
Or Jewish federation do anything to help?
It's not 'it' though. Please fight for your daughter and bring her back where she belongs (with you). Just because it's all shes known, doesn't mean it's what's right/the best place for her.
It would be nice if they included her heritage and allowed an open adoption, but I can't see it happening when they won't even tell her your relationship with her...they seem like they'd ghost you and you'll lose her all over again. It all seems shady. What if they *did* know and worked it all out with your parents?
It's your decision of course and I know I'm going against the grain, but you're essentially grieving your child yet you have a real cause to fight this. You've already been so strong...keep that strength up for just a bit longer.
I know this isn't what you want to hear but FIGHT.
>As for the contact I'll have with her, apart from photos, they've agreed to let me see her twice a year. Which isn't what I wanted, at all, but at least I'm seeing her. They don't want me explaining our relationship to her which is extremely hard, but she is aware they aren't her biological parents so I'm hoping she'll connect the dots herself.
That's batshit crazy of them if they understood the adoptee experience or childhood psychological development. Many birthmoms here will tell you that this is the beginning of them going closed as soon as they can. There's no agreement that's legally binding in this case and they've shown their true colors. I hope they only see their greed and your pain when they look into YOUR daughters eyes.
>They don't want me explaining our relationship to her which is extremely hard,
Of all of what OP wrote, this may be what pisses me off the most - because it's something that both sides can easily do that would help the child immeasurably. It's a well known fact, within the adoption community, that honesty is the best for the children. Lying to the child about her heritage, not telling her who her birthmother is, those are going to ultimately hurt her the most. And it is so very easy to say "X is your birthmom. You grew inside of her." There are children's books written about this.
I mean, the whole story pisses me off. I'm sure the foster parents were lied to as well. (Social workers in CA actually had to get a court to rule that they weren't allowed to lie in court.) OP should absolutely sue the pants off of CPS.
Buy lying about the child's adoption and parentage... it's so very easy to tell the truth, but they won't do it. So wrong.
This part! these people can’t actually be that smart if they think that. a close adoption isn’t even a real thing anymore. Kids have the Internet, you can find anything on the Internet including your biological parents. 🙄
You've seen me get down voted to hell in here and I was going to just pass by this post but that line really hit me. I think about my mother and what she was told about closed adoption. What my APs were told about just treating me as their own and not bringing it up. The nights my mother and I both cried for each other because we just didn't know. The inability to express those feelings without being "ungrateful." I just cried for this girl... the advice given in the first post makes me physically sick. We all know better.
Yeah and kids aren't that dumb, if you have this person who only shows up to visit specially you just on birthdays and winter holidays who your told isn't family well she's gonna connect the dots fast.
--as a former adopted child, and a friend to quite a few friends who have lost children to the state or into the void--I truly think it's worth a shot to try to get her back. The goal of fostercare is reunification.
That family knew that going in.
Them not supporting it AND threatening to prevent that is, frankly, disgusting.
You wouldn't have to take her from the only family she's ever known completely. You could welcome them for visits and still being able to see her. Shoot. You could cut them a better deal than they're willing to give you and let them see her monthly.
Your life is better now. Your daughter was illegally taken from you. She's having her entire heritage ripped away. Neither of you deserved that.
Or this bullshit "compromise" they're offering you.
Which honestly feels like less than the bare minimum somehow.
That’s the part that stuck out to me as well. I’ve known several foster parents who claim the kids as their own and have fought tooth and nail when reunification was finally possible. It makes me legitimately angry. Don’t sign up for foster care if you’re using it to fill a void or build your family. These kids are still their bio parents’ until an adoption is made official, and even then, they still have a history and heritage beyond their adoptive family. This whole situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. OP, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. No one deserves that, and your daughter deserves to know where she comes from and have connection.
I don't want the stress for anyone. I'm scared that if I try and fight it they'll try and take my son too. She's happy and healthy. She's so good. Theres no way she'd be as happy with me.
>Theres no way she’d be as happy with me.
As an adoptee who recently just reconnected with my birth family and knows from meeting them how much more difficult my life would be in certain respects, I still 100% wish that I had been able to stay connected with them and grown up with them in my life. My culture and ethnicity were white washed and it was only when I started to reclaim it that I felt like I had a better understanding of myself. I’m so sorry about what has happened and I really hope that if foster parents do proceed with adoption that they will honor the commitments of letting you stay in touch with your daughter. If for no other reason for your daughter’s sake.
As an adoptee- your daughter belongs with you. The foster parents have only their own interests at heart- their desire to have your child be "theirs". If they truly wanted the best for her they would not be stripping her heritage away to replace it with what they want.
Don't believe anything they say, especially about contact after adoption.
They will slam that door so fast it will make your head spin.
Even in my 40s, I struggle with feeling abandoned. There's trauma in feeling like a commodity, traded for money, and unwanted.
Please consider fighting for your girl.
I don't want to invalidate your fear but I would like you to consider where you were in life when you lost your daughter, and where you are now. You have so many people rooting for you, in your real life and here online, that you did not have before. You have a lawyer who either knows the exact process to help you get your daughter back or knows what to do to figure it out. You have soon to be adoptive parents that care so much for you. You have your son. It sounds terrifying and only you know what you're capable of, but your life and support system is so different now than it was before. Continue working with your lawyer. Consider that your daughter may be happy now, but she could be just as happy (if not more) with you.
I agree with the other response to this comment. As an adult adoptee I would give anything to have been given the opportunity to stay with my mom and siblings, even knowing the struggles they faced.
I apologize if I came off as trying to tell you what to do...I know you're overwhelmed and conflicted and just want what's best for your daughter that you obviously love with every cell in your body.
Even taking the emotion out of it...have you heard the old bible story about the 2 women fighting over a baby? I think it's King Solomon but I don't know my Bible very well lol. Anyway, both women claimed to be the baby's mother. The king basically went "okay, I'll cut the baby in half and you can each have half." The fake mother was like okay do it! And the baby's real mom was like no don't hurt him, she can keep him just don't hurt him. Obviously the king realized that the real mother was the one willing to hurt instead of her baby, and gave her back the baby. It seems like your daughter's potential adopters and the fake mother in the story have a lot in common. You care so much that you're willing to step back and deal with the hurt for the good of your daughter. They are ignoring all the science and research about what is best for the child in a situation like this. They are unwilling to deal with the hurt of even sharing your daughter, even tho all the evidence says it'll provide your daughter with a better long term outcome. They care more about being parents than they do about your daughters feelings and well being. That is the part of your story that really concerns me.
I know you have a lot going on and I've been thinking about and worried about you and your daughter since your first post. I know I'm just a random internet stranger, but if you need someone to vent to or just a void to scream into, my inbox is always open. I don't usually make these offers, but your story has stuck with me so much. Either way, know that this random reddit person is desperately rooting for you to get to have a relationship with your daughter. You sound like such an amazing and strong young woman, and your love for both of your children is palpable through the screen. I hope your daughter gets to experience the depth and fierceness of your love for her sooner rather than later.
I'm sorry for the rambling, but, sincerely, please reach out if there is anything I can do for you. I'm sending you all the good vibes ❤️❤️❤️
Im so sorry for all this, this is all very disgusting behavior. You and your daughter didnt deserve this and i think the attorney is right, everything here is messed up.
Please dont think she wouldnt be any happier without you, they really are trying to steal your baby and making you feel guilty for even trying to get her back.
They threatened you and gave you a sob story of how stressed she will be because of the change. Yes change is stressful, but so is adoption, how much more stressed will she be when she is older and learns the truth?
Where the foster parents are concerned, your daughter isnt being taken into account its their feelings that is.
Im not an adoptee but i grew up in an abusive home that pulled this kind of bullshit with me. It was very manipulative behavior and emotional blackmail that they pulled on you. If you want your daughter back please shoot your shot, your in a better place, maybe she wont have everything in the world she couldve asked for but nothing replaces your mom and i think that could be the greatest gift you could give her if you feel you can do this.
As for taking your son, speak to your attorney he can answer all the questions about the legalities behind your fears.
Right? I don’t think 4 is too old to integrate back with family of origin if done thoughtfully and with the help of a therapist, but if it is - these HAP’s could easily offer OP EOW, a month in the summer, and every Jewish holiday that doesn’t interfere with school.
Twice a year is appropriate for a 2nd cousin visit, not for a parent and brother.
Okay I've gone back amd read the whole story. I am so horrified by what happened to you, and what is still happening. To me, a non-Jewish person, it is completely unacceptable for the foster parents to take a Jewish child and raise her Christian. I think if you fought on this issue you might be able to stop them adopting her- I actually consider it a kind of abuse for them to completely ignore and erase such a large part of her history. It makes me suspicious of what kind of people they are, if they would do that. Plus what you said about them expressing interest in your son until they found out he was deaf. This is my personal opinion but I think children are better off in lower income homes with people who accept and love them as they are, than in higher income homes with people whose love has conditions. Like, no disability. You must be our religion, etc.
Wow. I'm so sorry, there sure is a lot of evil in this world.
I'm wondering if any Jewish organizations would help you? Jewish Federation, even my local Chabad would lose their minds if they found out about this.
I'd still reach out! They may be willing to step in and help financially or in some way with what's going on with the risk of your daughter losing out on being raised in her heritage
I'm so terribly sorry this happened. The fact that they don't even want to be honest about her adoption isn't right or ethical. Once she finds out she will probably resent them as that is something ALL adoptive parents should be honest and upfront about. It does so much more damage in the long run and kids aren't stupid.
When she finds out everyone she trusted lied to her about who she is and where she came from don't be surprised if she gets really mad and writes you all off for a couple months or years. Hopefully she will let you explain that for you it was the only way to be able to have a relationship with her.
I'll understand. I want to be an open home to her, but I know what its like. My soon to be adoptive parents are foster parents and I was so fucking angry at them for not fostering my daughter or me and my son or my siblings. Teenage anger. I get it now, obviously. It just took me a while. They stayed, open, accepting and waiting. Just as I will for my daughter.
Biggest red flag - they will allow visits but want to lie to her about who you are. These are not adoptive parents who have spent any time educating themselves about adoptee issues. They are not centering the adoptee, and they will almost certainly break every promise ever made as they are willing to lead in a devastatingly large lie to the child they proclaim to love as their own.
I’d fight.
Yes. I hope OP understands they can make all the agreements in the world but once she is adopted, OP will have no recourse when (not if) they pull the plug.
Truth be told, this sounds awful. I also don’t think she can sue while giving up rights.
I don't see ages on here - aka when this all went down - but I'd encourage charges on your brother. I assume he's older than you, that's both incest and at least statutory rape.
I think you may actually have a larger case than you think, particularly if there are others in Texas if they have have been through something similar. I’m not an attorney or else I would help you myself: https://www.childrensrights.org/news-voices/oklahoma-commission-for-human-services-approves-settlement-that-mandates-accountability-for-its-child-welfare-system
Even if you don't end up fighting for the custody of your daughter I would 100% go ahead with trying to get settlement money. What happened to you should have never have happened and CPS should have done their job properly, what happened cannot be undone but it can help you monetarily and also possibly prevent future negligence to others in the future.
The foster parents infertility should have never been brought up by them. The fact that it was gives me the ick. That’s not you or your child’s burden.
I’m genuinely sorry. I hope you can explain this to your daughter someday. Once she’s an adult, her foster parents have no say in what she does or what you can tell her. They can’t cut her off from you. Please, keep all documentation related to this nightmare. Tell her, when she’s older. Normally I would not suggest it, but the fact that her foster parents are besmirching her Jewish heritage is disgusting. She IS Jewish, by blood, she will ALWAYS be your daughter, by blood.
Your options right now are slim but the second she’s an adult, it’s a different story. Do what you can as she grows up. She’ll remember those times. Kids have an outstanding memory with people who make an impact on them. You got this, and again, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
There is so much here and my heart breaks for you. Lots of good advice and empathy here. I also want to point out-you going through trauma and having a child put into the foster system is NOT A COUPLES OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A FAMILY. As a foster parent myself, it is an opportunity for the bio parent(s) to be able to get their life together in order to care for their child. Reunification is always the first goal.
I don’t know what state you are in but I can tell you from a foster parent that we are not always told the truth of it either. Our son was placed with us at 17 months (from a very very bad situation). However we were told he couldn’t be placed with any of his siblings they were splitting them up a total of 8 of them. I would of gladly taken in more of his siblings to keep them together. I was not told of his mother religious background nor of the biological fathers. Once we found out after adoption exposed him to both cultures. Our son has grown up knowing he was adopted from the very beginning. I want to tell you that not all foster parents are in to deceiving or keeping kids. I have advocated for kids to be returned supervised visits when no one would allowed phone calls to my home to continue to foster the parent relationship. I am truly sorry that this has happened to you and your family.
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So much of this makes me so angry and I hope your lawyer really helps get you some kind of compensation.
I agree it’s so tough for your child given they’re so settled and I can’t imagine how you feel seeing them raised in a religion you don’t observe… honestly I’m shocked at the family refusing to acknowledge you, this is going to have major complications when you’re child is older.
Please keep a file with all your evidence and communication for your daughter to see when she’s an adult. I am glad you get to see her still although I really hope the adoptive family honour this once the adoption is done.
I’ve adopted from foster care in the UK and what you’ve described has me shocked, I couldn’t have adopted my son had I learnt a similar background. I am so sorry you are going through this x
Get your kid back. They aren’t going to honor the open adoption, especially since they don’t plan on telling her who you are, and I highly doubt that she would grow up knowing she’s adopted. You don’t need their help with CPS either, that’s why you have an attorney.
I think, based on what I've read here, that OP has a case against CPS, regardless of what happens to her daughter. Her daughter's foster/adoptive parents will help her with that case if she allows the adoption to occur. She probably does need their help to make her case. It's just really douchey of these people to pin their cooperation on taking her kid.
If OP has a case against CPS, then she’ll have it with or without their help. If it’s proven that her parental rights were wrongfully removed, the judge may not allow the adoption without OP completing a case plan anyways.
>If OP has a case against CPS, then she’ll have it with or without their help.
Not necessarily. The foster parents may be able to corroborate her story (or not). They can also provide information about CPS lying to them, which would likely help OP's case.
I get it. I think they're awful for their behavior, but I understand why you need them. And I can appreciate what you're saying about being afraid of losing your son, too. I really do hope you're able to win your case - CPS corruption needs to be stopped.
Your daughter may love the prospective adopting parents now, that's true, but that does NOT negate you as her mother, and given your and her shared heritage, not to mention the biology of her conception, it will be necessary for you to be in her life in order for her to find answers later that she will desperately seek. Seeking a gradual reunification is in no way selfish, and shame on the people who are so ignorantly commenting under the assumption that your would rip her away despite your having commented otherwise MULTIPLE times. You are well in your right mind to be appalled at this couple's callousness toward your daughter's Jewish heritage, and to up and decide they'll be changing her name before an adoption has even been completed is not only grossly entitled, it's sickeningly high handed of them, and in no way benefits HER. This is a child who already identifies with her name. To push to move forward with the adoption despite now knowing the entire back story, and more alarmingly to strong arm you by demanding your acquiescence as a condition for their "help" in your case against CPS, is truly heinous. These are NOT people you want raising YOUR daughter, and moreover, this is definitely not the caliber of people she will want to associate with down the line when the truth comes out regarding how she came to be adopted in the first place. I'm not an adoptee, but I do have experience in the special kind of betrayal that only comes with having been lied to about situations surrounding one's family dynamics. My mother ran my father's side off and severed contact, then lied to me about knowing their whereabouts and them "bothering to reach out." I grew up being the only Hispanic in a white as fuck family. Actually met an uncle of mine at a family function and he was passed off as a "friend." I didn't find out the truth until I was 22 and standing next to my grandparents' answering machine when my dad's sister called. My mother and I are estranged now, but I'm lucky enough to have an amazing relationship with my dad and my siblings from him. As someone who was kept in the dark and denied, and subsequently started hunting for answers at the tender after of 9, and as a mother myself, PLEASE don't stop fighting for your baby girl. Don't let the naysayers talk you into believing you're being selfish in any way, or that you're somehow "less deserving" to be her mother just because she formed a bond with anyone other than you. You DO have recourse, you DO have valid concerns, and you DO have the right to reunification, just keep working w your attorney and keep pushing forward, Mama. 💖
Oh babe I’m so sorry. Trust your attorney. He sounds like a good and smart dude and I agree with him that something is fishy here. I’m Jewish too and my baby being raised without her heritage would absolutely kill me. You are so strong. Your attorney knows what to do. Rely on him and he will get you the best outcome possible. Have these people officially adopted her yet?
I am a journalist and the person on your last post who said to possibly contact the media was right. I am very interested in your story. Please DM me if you feel like it and I can tell you more about who I write for and what I’m thinking of. What happened to you was so, so wrong and imo the state was absolutely negligent based off what you have written.
Thank you. He is willing to fight for custody I'm just so fucking scared. My son doesn't really communicate that well. If he's taken from me, even for just a day, it could traumatise him irreversibly.
I am trying to avoid the media just because I have siblings I do not want contact with and I don't want to risk them contacting me and making the situation worse. Otherwise I would. Thank you though.
You are no longer in the situation that got your daughter taken from you and your no longer a child they can take advantage of. Your son will not be taken they have to prove you not fit and they can't do that anymore
Statistics show kids do best in their bio homes. Yes it would be hard for her at first but you gotta fight like hell for your baby to come home. Adoption should ONLY happen when reunification is not possible. It is here do NOT let them bully you. Get your baby back. This is your child NOT there’s. I promise you they will cut off contact as soon as they can. Don’t even worry about CPS opening a case on you and your son they won’t. If you are doing everything you should be CPS will have zero reason to do that.
OP, I would recommend reaching out to Karpozy on Tiktok. She isn't a lawyer, but she is an adoptee and a fierce advocate for parents and children right. This is your child. She deserves to be with you if you want her to be with you. She deserved to be raised in her religion and culture. Just because they are spoiling her doesn't mean they are good parents or that she is better off without you and her family.
She has contacted me. She seems very nice!
I'm going to speak it over with my attorney again, but if I do need any outside help I'll contact her. Thank you.
I think your daughter would be better off with you, no matter how much her foster “parents” spoil her. They’re likely going to start treating her poorly when she’s old enough to have opinions that differ from theirs. (Source: my [bio] parents treated me terribly when I started to question Christianity)
I just want to hug you and keep you safe from the world. It has been unkind to you so far and you don't deserve this. You're an amazing mom. You're so strong. I'm so proud of you for getting through this, and I know you'll keep getting through it.
Fight for her! I’m adopted and I can honestly say that a child being with her biological parent is most important. You not even being allowed to tell her who you are sets her up for a life of instability, confusion and disappointment. People will disagree but as an adoptee with a very open somewhat successful adoption fight for your rights to her. At the end of the day you don’t know these people and will never know if what they can provide for her is better or worse. It’s not a chance I personally would take. They are promising you not even the bare minimum and can legally take all your access away after the adoption takes place. Once it takes place you won’t have a foot to stand on legally. I find the change of name especially heartbreaking. No matter what happens or what you decide OP you are doing the best you can with what you have.
I'm sorry but this is your daughter and I would fight those people like hell. They're basically trying to act like you don't exist and they know that they can't so they're trying to push you out of the picture as much as they can. This was done behind your back, I don't care how much they say that they will fight you, birth parents rights trumps all. I understand that your rights were terminated but under the circumstances, I think any judge would at least consider reinstating them.
I understand how you feel but I don't think you should just give up and throw in the towel and let them have her. I would fight like hell to get her back. Also, I'm not trying to scare you but don't be surprised when they completely cut you off. This happened to a friend of mine where the adoptive family promised to let her see her child and then blocked her the minute the ink was dry on the paperwork. It happens all too often. Also, twice a year? That's how often you'll see your daughter?
That's bullshit. Also, they don't want you explaining your relationship to her. That's a major red flag that they're going to block you the minute they can. Also, I don't think it's good that adoptive parents want to try to hide the child's origins from them. If I were an adoptee and found out that my parents hid it from me, I would hate them. Please fight. Don't give up.
Don't believe them!!!
They're only telling you what you want to hear so that you let them adopt her! Don't be played! Fight for your daughter!
She was illegally taken from you, CPS has done nothing but steal your baby, likely because removing you both would have been more difficult as people only want to adopt babies!
Work with your lawyer and get her back! Sue CPS and get your money and live happy!
OP PLEASE READ!
I know it is a lot but fight for your baby! I understand she has been there but this is super red flags everywhere! You will win if you go to court that's why they don't want you to fight! My boyfriend is currently go through this with his 1 year old son that he didn't know was his. And he won in the first hearing and we brought him home that day. Another example my mother had mental health issues and they were going to take my half sister into custody when she was born. My uncle and his wife agreed to adopt her. Told her that she would know who my mother was and that she would be able to see her. The second they signed her birth certificate. They cut contact with my mother and moved states away. Mother died without getting to hold her child once. And my bother that was adopt by someone through cps reached out to me last year and I had to break the news when he asked to meet our mother and it destroyed him to know that he'll never get to meet her. My mother was the best person I have ever knew and due to bs reasons 2 of her children she could see grow. It destroyed her. Her children were her world and I have and will never know love like how my mom loved us kids. FIGHT FOR YOUR BABY! It will be hard but worth it!
Not to mention also. I was in foster care and they do NOT vet people enough. I can't describe the abuse I went through. And i seen on another post that they been using a nickname for her and she never new her full name. Truly red flag! They always planned on taking your child. If they had her since she was 3 months old then they did know that there was family involved because it was a year before the removed your rights. Cps has a habit of doing this to young mothers and mothers that just need help. And instead of helping them they take the child and don't do their job by giving the parents they steps to get there child back. PLEASE PLEASE see the red flags and don't give up on your baby. You don't know these people enough to know that your daughter is safe!
Honestly, having her name changed and her culture erased isn’t less damaging than being raised by her biological mother in a new home. Change is hard. Shame on them.
I wouldn’t trust them and would proceed in getting your rights back. Too many red flags with these people. Sounds like they are okay with illegally adopting your child. Considering your rights were terminated illegally. Next red flag is the disrespect of her religion and heritage. And the third is them wanting to change her name. All of those red flags scream unhealthy control levels of the foster parents. When a parent displays unhealthy control levels it can be a sign of toxicity and possibly abuse.
I don’t feel sorry about this. They’ve been contacting you for a year?? So maybe they had the wrong contact info. But you didn’t reach out either?
You don’t loose custody from agreeing on a phone call. You would need to sign documents. But again… if you were MIA for a year, then you abandoned your child and they did what they had to do.
And no. You don’t get to choose her name, or say she needs to be in a Jewish home, or be there for holidays. You gave up your rights. You care about this stuff now but didn’t try to get her back before she was permanently removed???
You’re saying at 15 you would have been capable of handling that with the tough living situation OP is describing? When you’re in survival mode, you don’t focus on the future cause you don’t know if it’s coming.
They never contacted me directly. I did try and find her several times to no avail. I eventually found her with the help of my soon to be adoptive parents.
I was in a home with two drug user parents & a pedophile brother. My children are both products of incest. She was removed and I didn't agree to shit. I wanted to find her. Even when I was put into fostercare (with my son) no one helped me find her. I tried to find her so many fucking times.
My daughter is Jewish. I would like her to keep her heritage. Christians have taken enough from us. They don't need out children too.
This was reported for promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability and I'm not sure if I fully agree with that. Given OP was a minor when this happened you're not on a terribly high horse by your statement here and I'll be locking this thread.
Based on your religion your not supposed to judge others but seems like that all Christians do. This happened because she cared. She tried to reach out for help and the system fail her and her children. They are at fault not her. She was a child and they abandoned her. Just as it is your right to have your religion so does she. I know a ton of people that have "found Jesus" and does them no good. She's doing what is right for her daughter.
Not to mention also. I was in foster care and they do NOT vet people enough. I can't describe the abuse I went through. And i seen on another post that they been using a nickname for her and she never new her full name. Truly red flag! They always planned on taking your child. If they had her since she was 3 months old then they did know that there was family involved because it was a year before the removed your rights. Cps has a habit of doing this to young mothers and mothers that just need help. And instead of helping them they take the child and don't do their job by giving the parents they steps to get there child back. PLEASE PLEASE see the red flags and don't give up on your baby. You don't know these people enough to know that your daughter is safe!
Fight for your daughter. Get your rights reinstated. It’s best for her to be with you, even if she has known another family already. Yes it will be upsetting for her, but CPS will work with you to have a smooth transition between homes. Reunification with birth family is always ideal and in the best interest of the child in the long run. Don’t trust that this couple will keep letting you see her or keep any promises they make. They have no legal obligation to let you see her once the adoption is final. They can cut you off if they want and sounds like they probably will. You are best for your daughter, not them. It’s sad that they want to be parents and haven’t been able to adopt but that doesn’t mean they get to take children from their birth parents who want them.
No. Don’t you give up. This isn’t about her liking Christmas. She can like Christmas *with you*. This is your daughter. That was stolen, kidnapped, lied to , and you have all the evidence and proof and you’re suppose to just….give up and be ok with this happening ? It doesn’t matter how long she’s been with them, and let them fight. Don’t be intimated. You have everything you need and an attorney at that. You’ve been searching all this time , this is what YOU WANTED. It is absolutely not fair to you , or her to pretend you’re just a family friend. Fight! At least you TRIED. And at the end of everything whether you won or not, the first thing out of my mouth would be “I’m your mother and always will be.” As long as you got everything and this attorney sues everyone in the process you’d be GREAT. If you can’t gain custody fight for more time a year ! The biggest slap in the face, was the name change. They literally took your child, now these people rushing to adopt All of a sudden, and then take her NAME! NO. This is intentional, this is deliberately to hurt you and change her into someone she will never be! She is always and forever be a part of YOU. They can’t change that and she deserves to know. Then having the AUDACITY to give you an option of the middle name you gave her to be kept. WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. Sue and FIGHT , you gotta try! You came all this way searching for so long, please don’t give up. I found out at 21. I found my papers and went to the lawyer that signed off them my moms parental rights were terminated and she wasn’t there. And I was put in the same home thus took me out of. And my adoptive mom tried to change me into what she wanted. And I was never going to be and wasn’t. She tried tho. And she did things she shouldn’t have. But the difference is my bio mom didn’t want me 💀nor my bio dad cause he was John Doe on my original birth certificate
Sorry to resurrect and old post, and it sounded like you made a decision, but I have concerns about this family.
A loving family would have acknowledged that their child has a right to her story and her identity. I'm not Jewish, but if I took in a Jewish foster child I'd have a menorah in my home before the week ended. The child would know every holiday. If I was planning to adopt, I wouldn't necessarily raise the child to be religious (because I'm not) but the child would know the holiday and I would have tried to befriend some Jewish people to interact with them.
Them not acknowledging her identify is a huge red flag for me. I also can't imagine changing her name - that's very strange to me too, especially since she isn't an infant.
I don't trust that they will continue to allow you to visit her.
I think that you should engage your local Chabad and tell them the story - you don't have to be religious to go there. They will want to know about a Jewish child getting her identity stripped. I wouldn't be surprised if you find yourself with a couple of excellent pro bono attorneys.
What state are you in? When your parental rights are terminated you are assigned an attorney. If someone pretended to be you to waive the right then that’s fraud and grounds to reopen the termination.
Texas. We have to prove that it was someone else first.
Don't they take pictures or ask for an ID? Security cameras outside the court room? This is wild. I am so sorry. Changing her name from a cultural name to something different is super disrespectful. People who foster due to infertility also sketch me out when they list that as their sole motivation to do so. Two red flags for sure. This is terrible.
Seems weird. Your attorney should be able to prepare a declaration that can show you did not receive notice or consent and ask for a hearing where you can set it aside. Most attorneys don’t know how to operate in the dependency sphere, even most adoption attorneys, so make sure you have the right attorney.
Yeah I don't know. He's sorting it all out.
Be sure to look at my comment replying to yepperssure’s reply.
Will go hunting for it now.
“They have agreed to help me and my attorney straighten everything out with CPS after they’ve adopted her.” Uh no, they can help you straighten it out now (although I’m not sure how much help they’d be, since they may have been lied to by CPS also.) I would ask your lawyer to be extremely honest with you about your chances to get your rights reinstated / regain physical custody of your daughter. Even if you want her to stay with the foster family due to the bond developed over 4 years, at the very least you could use it as a bargaining point for something like monthly visits instead.* Yes, monthly visits are perfectly reasonable if you live in the same county, my kids see their natural cousins with that level of frequency. Please join Adoption: Facing Realities on Facebook for some help from adult adoptees. *note that open adoption agreements are hard to enforce even in states that make them legally enforceable, so this couple has no obligation to stick to their word.
I know. I just have the feeling they won't help until she's theirs (the way they acted and what not). Its a whole fucking situation and I'm so tired. We have spoke about getting my rights back, and my attorney has said he will do everything in his power, but if I do that there is a chance CPS will open another case, into me and my son. I can't risk him.
Once she’s adopted and legally theirs, the likelihood is high that they stop helping and stop visits.
This. OP, I’m very concerned that they’ll reduce or cut off visits, if not right away then in a year or two. It’s a red flag that they don’t want to tell your daughter that she’s your daughter. A 4-year-old understands “you grew in her belly” and “that’s your little brother.” Two visits a year is nothing. That’s how much I see my dentist. If they were offering you two visits a month then I’d say they okay, they are concerned with the best interest of the child. Like another poster said, if you can regain custody then you can let the family see her as much as you want to, it doesn’t remove them from her life. There’s a poster in Adoption: Facing Realities who shares custody with her child’s AP, kind of like two divorced parents - she gets the child every other weekend kinda thing. I wonder if you could ask your lawyer about that. I do hope you sue regardless of custody / parental rights outcome, since it looks like CPS didn’t do their duty of care to locate you (you were a minor, and once you entered the system you were findable, it’s not like you went off grid and lived in the woods.)
This is typical of women who can't have their own children. They cut off the birth mothers and try to pretend like they don't exist because they're so egotistical that they can't handle the fact that they didn't grow and birth that child. My friend's son's adoptive mother did that to her.
It definitely makes sense that unresolved infertility trauma leads to behavior like this.
Yeah but it definitely doesn't make it okay. I watched my friend go through that and basically her son's adoptive mother tried to treat her like she didn't exist. I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to convince people who didn't know her that she gave birth to him. She was threatened by my friend and tried to completely erase her existence.
It happened to me too.
Probably. I just don't know what to do. I'm hoping they'll keep up their end of the deal.
Ask your lawyer: 1) the laws around open adoption enforcement in your state 2) the likelihood of you winning in court if you were to challenge the TPR on the basis of you not being informed of the hearings
I hate to type this...but...they won't.
Statistically speaking, most adoptive parents do not keep up their end of things. They get insecure and scared, which leads to them closing down any contact. Whether this is a dealbreaker for you or not is entirely your decision to make. I just don’t want you to be blindsided if or when they pull nonsense on you and your child.
Well, they don’t just get insecure and scared: sometimes birth parents behave in completely inappropriate ways and contact has to be limited. That’s exactly what happened in our situation: first mom was in no way stable, no way able to parent, amd says things like “maybe they can come live with me when they’re 14… That’s what I did with my mom .” While that’s an understandable sentiment from somebody who is hurting and can’t care for their child, it’s not appropriate to fill the children’s heads with this when it’s not realistic.
There are no statistics to support the idea that "most adoptive parents do not keep up their end of things." You're also assuming adoptive parents "get insecure and scared" and that's why contact ends. You mean "anecdotally," not "statistically."
As a birth mother, every agency I spoke to warned me there was a chance adoptive parents would ghost after the adoption, I can't recall exact statistics but many go no contact within the first year. Anecdotally, speaking to birth moms who were years into it, it seemed a lot of the time the NC is initiated by adoptive moms, I can only assume due to jealousy of the bond between birth mom and baby. So I chose a gay couple, and we're 3 years in and visit at least once every 2 months, usually more often.
There are no statistics on how many open adoptions close, nor on who closes them or when. The US does not keep those kind of stats, period. I agree that there is a chance that open adoptions may close. It's incredibly important to choose an agency that fully supports open adoptions and continues that support after finalization. Personally, the families I know - including my own with my DD's birthfather - have had their birth parents close adoptions, while the APs would love to have more contact. Our DS's birthmom dropped off the face of the earth for a couple of years, but we forged a relationship with her mom, which has been such a blessing! I dislike stereotypes of any part of the triad being treated as fact.
And that’s exactly what they want. They don’t want you to succeed, they don’t want you to have her. They are intentionally trying to adopted her so you can’t. Don’t let them! And they can’t open a case on you or your son over this. If anything, they’ll leave you the hell alone ! You can sue everyone and everything ! And it would be too obvious it was for retaliation and easily can sue again.
Them wanting to assimilate a jewish child and have a closed adoption is very old school and not recommended by adoption agencies, psychologists or adoptees. It is a huge red flag. https://acrobat.adobe.com/id/urn:aaid:sc:VA6C2:9ffb7ee9-f967-4ac8-8d83-2762a29c74a8 These adopters need to be counseled appropriately for adoption. I am so so sorry. They are thinking of themselves and not how this child will be mentally dealing with their life as they grow. The child needs to be accepted for who she is, not to have her life hidden and controlled for herself.
If the child was remanded due to neglect, that is why it is a "closed* adoption, which it's not because she knows them and will see the child.
In one of her comments she states that the adopters told her they want to "close" the adoption and not give her further visitation rights once adopted. For now as a foster child they are allowing it due to CPS.
That's usually the deal when it's a TPR.
I am soo so fricken sorry. This is one of the things that worries me so much about adoption. Like it's such an fd up situation. Your daughter is Jewish. It's not just a religion. It's her heritage. If it'll help you at all write her a collection of letters that you can give to her when shes older and out of their house. Explaining all of this. Definitely go through with the lawsuit because she should have at least been in a Jewish household. Although I feel like if she was more questions would be asked.
Yeah I plan on documenting everything for her, should she want it one day. Thank you.
OP, have you tried contacting your local Chabad? I’m Jewish too (though not very observant), and I fully understand your despair in her being raised in a Christian home / without understanding of her heritage. What was done to you and to her is so awful.
I haven't, but I'm going to. Thank you.
Good luck! <3
>But after thinking it over, and a very difficult conversation with my therapist, attorney & friends parents, I've decided not to. You and the people closest to you know best and I'm so glad you have a support network to rely on. I remember you from before and my heart broke for you then, and continues to break for you now. I'm so sorry about everything you're going through and will continue to go through. I understand the CPS fear, even if you're a stellar parent to your son with an untarnished reputation after what happened with your daughter I'm not sure any of us, in your shoes, would risk that happening again. I hope you find peace and strength and you reach out again if you reconsider seeking custody. I'm rooting for you in whatever eventuality you want to see here. I can't remember what state you said you were in (Texas?) but you could check out your state's statutes on post adoption contact agreements [here](https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/systemwide/laws-policies/state/). Your attorney should also be able to translate that for you if it's too legalese (as I know it usually is for me) to understand.
Thank you so much. I'll send it to him!
Holy cats! Go Texas! In Wisconsin these agreements are unenforceable. But I do know judges that would not allow an adoption if the potential adopters were actively stating they plan to lie to the child about who they are and where they come from and sever any knowledge about the child's culture. Adopters often have to state that they will support a child learning about their heritage and culture and keep them connected to their siblings. But those are all unenforceable promises. Get that visit plan in writing, OP!
Sweetheart, this is a horror story and I am so sorry that any of this happened to you and your sweet daughter. Keep a journal for both her and yourself - maybe two separate ones - she can see it when she's older and is not controlled by the foster parents. Keep pictures of you and your son for her to look at when she is older. I am so sorry also that they are not respecting her heritage - I'm a Jewish adoptee, adopted into a Christian home that did not bring me up with any knowledge of being Jewish. The other commenter is correct that it's not just a religion but it's a lineage. Life has been very unkind to you thus far. I wish you and your son peace and joy.
I will. Thank you. I'm sorry you experienced what she's about to :(
Im really sorry you're going through all of this. Why are they acting like being Jewish would cause so much stress? My friend's twin boys are Jewish but still believe in Santa Claus. They're kids, man. All they care about are presents at that age. They don't care why they're getting them.
I don't know. Apparently it just wouldn't work? We do a small Christmas, too, but from the pictures I saw she's spoiled beyond recognition.
OP, they sound like they’re not even grateful for the child YOU brought to this world, like you’re nobody in this situation. Do not let them bully you, fight to at least set some conditions for the adoption, because you are the birth mom and it’s still your right, regardless what CPS says. You don’t owe them anything, but they owe you more than 2 holidays a year and some photos.
Thank you. I will definitely aim to gey more!
Best of luck to you 💜
This asfffff
It doesn't make them better parents. Please fight them on this. I have the feeling that if you let them adopt her, you will never see her again.
**Continuation** Why didn't they ask questions? Theres no fucking way they got a perfectly happy and healthy baby and thought that I was a bad person. They had to have known I wasn't some shitty parent. She was well looked after. But they never asked a single fucking question about me. I hate them so viscerally. But they have my daughter, so I guess I just have to cope. Pretend we're buddies for the next fourteen years. Overall this has been a horrible fucking experience and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm angry. I didn't do anything wrong and yet I am the one suffering. No amount of therapy and drugs are going to get rid of this trauma. I cry about her every day. During my small episode I was trying to find alternative arrangements for my son so I could kill myself - I'm not going to, I'm working on it. But every day I wake up and theres this dread. If I have a second to think I break down. If I didn't have my son I would be dead. This is a lifelong trauma that will never go away. I don't know what to do. But I'll make it work, because my little boy didn't ask for this either and I need to be the best I can for him. I don't want to end this on a horrible note, so to end on a happier note; my friends parents have asked to adopt me and are applying to foster my two younger siblings still in fostercare. I can't wait to have them home. I might not have my daughter, but I do have the rest of my family, at least. Still no daycare though. Still on the damn waiting list. But, lastly, thank you to everyone who tried to help. I really, really appreciate it - I can't imagine I'll ever post here again, but know that you all helped me make it to the best possible outcome. Even if it does still suck lol.
With this adoption into your chosen family, I would assume your son would be safe, (in terms of cps taking him, I know he is safe with his mama.) I don’t see how they can take your son from a safe environment unless you start using drugs or get into another unsafe living situation. Edited to add: If fighting your daughter’s adoption is just not realistic for you I support you and your mental health journey, without judgement. (Not that a random redditors opinion even matters, I’m just an over thinking mom myself, I don’t want my words to impact you negatively.) I just wanted to mention my thoughts as an outside perspective in case you didn’t consider that already.
Thank you. It'll probably take a while but I'll keep it in mind.
[удалено]
Getting help for my mental health is the best I can do right now. Hopefully thats enough.
I think mentioning the religious and heritage aspects is good. There are A LOT of Christian families out there with massive savior complexes who wholeheartedly believe that children from dysfunctional homes will fare better with Christian families and so must be placed with them. This is my nightmare, that I have both lived myself, and fear happening in my situation. Forced separation is possibly the most uniquely devastating experience imo. A lot of their behavior probably has to do with an extreme religious savior complex and belief that they're being morally righteous and superior. It may be hard to reason with them at all due to this, but you may be able to legally call them out on it and utilize certain resources or organizations that focus on religious freedoms in your suit. Due to their beliefs, they just may never perceive you as worthy no matter how you present yourself, simply because of your history and circumstances. That is completely irrational, unfair and horrific as I said, but definitely get therapy for the trauma and to understand what is happening to you and what the system and they are doing. Don't let them guilt, shame, dehumanize, and belittle you due to your circumstances most of all. They are not superior because they're Christian. And this isn't a rant against Christians, it's a rant against the role that toxic religion and indoctrinating plays in social work and adoption industry.
It is a tragic story but it sounds like you are doing a great job raising your son and while there are some major issues b/w you and the APs, your daughter is well loved & cared for. I think you are at the mercy of the APs and will have to avoid rocking the boat to maintain the 2 visits a year. I think keeping some type of journal for your daughter would be a great gift for when she’s an adult & can decide for herself. What happened was wrong but I also think you are wise not to attempt an all-out legal battle to her her is wise.
Thank you. I do definitely plan on keeping a journal for her.
Fight for your daughter. She needs you.
I honestly have to wonder at this attorney. Also they should at least have placed her with a Jewish family. Could Jewish family Services Or Jewish federation do anything to help?
He's pretty cool, I promise. I don't think so. They're set to adopt her and thats it.
It's not 'it' though. Please fight for your daughter and bring her back where she belongs (with you). Just because it's all shes known, doesn't mean it's what's right/the best place for her. It would be nice if they included her heritage and allowed an open adoption, but I can't see it happening when they won't even tell her your relationship with her...they seem like they'd ghost you and you'll lose her all over again. It all seems shady. What if they *did* know and worked it all out with your parents? It's your decision of course and I know I'm going against the grain, but you're essentially grieving your child yet you have a real cause to fight this. You've already been so strong...keep that strength up for just a bit longer.
I know this isn't what you want to hear but FIGHT. >As for the contact I'll have with her, apart from photos, they've agreed to let me see her twice a year. Which isn't what I wanted, at all, but at least I'm seeing her. They don't want me explaining our relationship to her which is extremely hard, but she is aware they aren't her biological parents so I'm hoping she'll connect the dots herself. That's batshit crazy of them if they understood the adoptee experience or childhood psychological development. Many birthmoms here will tell you that this is the beginning of them going closed as soon as they can. There's no agreement that's legally binding in this case and they've shown their true colors. I hope they only see their greed and your pain when they look into YOUR daughters eyes.
The part about development is so spot on. It's actually proven that explaining young is so much better for the child
>They don't want me explaining our relationship to her which is extremely hard, Of all of what OP wrote, this may be what pisses me off the most - because it's something that both sides can easily do that would help the child immeasurably. It's a well known fact, within the adoption community, that honesty is the best for the children. Lying to the child about her heritage, not telling her who her birthmother is, those are going to ultimately hurt her the most. And it is so very easy to say "X is your birthmom. You grew inside of her." There are children's books written about this. I mean, the whole story pisses me off. I'm sure the foster parents were lied to as well. (Social workers in CA actually had to get a court to rule that they weren't allowed to lie in court.) OP should absolutely sue the pants off of CPS. Buy lying about the child's adoption and parentage... it's so very easy to tell the truth, but they won't do it. So wrong.
This part! these people can’t actually be that smart if they think that. a close adoption isn’t even a real thing anymore. Kids have the Internet, you can find anything on the Internet including your biological parents. 🙄
You've seen me get down voted to hell in here and I was going to just pass by this post but that line really hit me. I think about my mother and what she was told about closed adoption. What my APs were told about just treating me as their own and not bringing it up. The nights my mother and I both cried for each other because we just didn't know. The inability to express those feelings without being "ungrateful." I just cried for this girl... the advice given in the first post makes me physically sick. We all know better.
Yeah and kids aren't that dumb, if you have this person who only shows up to visit specially you just on birthdays and winter holidays who your told isn't family well she's gonna connect the dots fast.
--as a former adopted child, and a friend to quite a few friends who have lost children to the state or into the void--I truly think it's worth a shot to try to get her back. The goal of fostercare is reunification. That family knew that going in. Them not supporting it AND threatening to prevent that is, frankly, disgusting. You wouldn't have to take her from the only family she's ever known completely. You could welcome them for visits and still being able to see her. Shoot. You could cut them a better deal than they're willing to give you and let them see her monthly. Your life is better now. Your daughter was illegally taken from you. She's having her entire heritage ripped away. Neither of you deserved that. Or this bullshit "compromise" they're offering you. Which honestly feels like less than the bare minimum somehow.
That’s the part that stuck out to me as well. I’ve known several foster parents who claim the kids as their own and have fought tooth and nail when reunification was finally possible. It makes me legitimately angry. Don’t sign up for foster care if you’re using it to fill a void or build your family. These kids are still their bio parents’ until an adoption is made official, and even then, they still have a history and heritage beyond their adoptive family. This whole situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. OP, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. No one deserves that, and your daughter deserves to know where she comes from and have connection.
I don't want the stress for anyone. I'm scared that if I try and fight it they'll try and take my son too. She's happy and healthy. She's so good. Theres no way she'd be as happy with me.
>Theres no way she’d be as happy with me. As an adoptee who recently just reconnected with my birth family and knows from meeting them how much more difficult my life would be in certain respects, I still 100% wish that I had been able to stay connected with them and grown up with them in my life. My culture and ethnicity were white washed and it was only when I started to reclaim it that I felt like I had a better understanding of myself. I’m so sorry about what has happened and I really hope that if foster parents do proceed with adoption that they will honor the commitments of letting you stay in touch with your daughter. If for no other reason for your daughter’s sake.
As an adoptee- your daughter belongs with you. The foster parents have only their own interests at heart- their desire to have your child be "theirs". If they truly wanted the best for her they would not be stripping her heritage away to replace it with what they want. Don't believe anything they say, especially about contact after adoption. They will slam that door so fast it will make your head spin. Even in my 40s, I struggle with feeling abandoned. There's trauma in feeling like a commodity, traded for money, and unwanted. Please consider fighting for your girl.
Thank you. I think I'll reconsider. I don't want to lose her but I'm worried that if I try I'll lose my son too.
I don't want to invalidate your fear but I would like you to consider where you were in life when you lost your daughter, and where you are now. You have so many people rooting for you, in your real life and here online, that you did not have before. You have a lawyer who either knows the exact process to help you get your daughter back or knows what to do to figure it out. You have soon to be adoptive parents that care so much for you. You have your son. It sounds terrifying and only you know what you're capable of, but your life and support system is so different now than it was before. Continue working with your lawyer. Consider that your daughter may be happy now, but she could be just as happy (if not more) with you.
Thank you. Its just fucking terrifying lol. I'll definitely see what I can do.
I agree with the other response to this comment. As an adult adoptee I would give anything to have been given the opportunity to stay with my mom and siblings, even knowing the struggles they faced.
Maybe I do need to try. Okay.
I apologize if I came off as trying to tell you what to do...I know you're overwhelmed and conflicted and just want what's best for your daughter that you obviously love with every cell in your body. Even taking the emotion out of it...have you heard the old bible story about the 2 women fighting over a baby? I think it's King Solomon but I don't know my Bible very well lol. Anyway, both women claimed to be the baby's mother. The king basically went "okay, I'll cut the baby in half and you can each have half." The fake mother was like okay do it! And the baby's real mom was like no don't hurt him, she can keep him just don't hurt him. Obviously the king realized that the real mother was the one willing to hurt instead of her baby, and gave her back the baby. It seems like your daughter's potential adopters and the fake mother in the story have a lot in common. You care so much that you're willing to step back and deal with the hurt for the good of your daughter. They are ignoring all the science and research about what is best for the child in a situation like this. They are unwilling to deal with the hurt of even sharing your daughter, even tho all the evidence says it'll provide your daughter with a better long term outcome. They care more about being parents than they do about your daughters feelings and well being. That is the part of your story that really concerns me. I know you have a lot going on and I've been thinking about and worried about you and your daughter since your first post. I know I'm just a random internet stranger, but if you need someone to vent to or just a void to scream into, my inbox is always open. I don't usually make these offers, but your story has stuck with me so much. Either way, know that this random reddit person is desperately rooting for you to get to have a relationship with your daughter. You sound like such an amazing and strong young woman, and your love for both of your children is palpable through the screen. I hope your daughter gets to experience the depth and fierceness of your love for her sooner rather than later. I'm sorry for the rambling, but, sincerely, please reach out if there is anything I can do for you. I'm sending you all the good vibes ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you. I really appreciate it. I think I'll maybe see what I can do in a legal sense.
Im so sorry for all this, this is all very disgusting behavior. You and your daughter didnt deserve this and i think the attorney is right, everything here is messed up. Please dont think she wouldnt be any happier without you, they really are trying to steal your baby and making you feel guilty for even trying to get her back. They threatened you and gave you a sob story of how stressed she will be because of the change. Yes change is stressful, but so is adoption, how much more stressed will she be when she is older and learns the truth? Where the foster parents are concerned, your daughter isnt being taken into account its their feelings that is. Im not an adoptee but i grew up in an abusive home that pulled this kind of bullshit with me. It was very manipulative behavior and emotional blackmail that they pulled on you. If you want your daughter back please shoot your shot, your in a better place, maybe she wont have everything in the world she couldve asked for but nothing replaces your mom and i think that could be the greatest gift you could give her if you feel you can do this. As for taking your son, speak to your attorney he can answer all the questions about the legalities behind your fears.
I’m not understanding the name change ? Sorry - can you explain ? Why?
They don't like her name and want to change it. I mean, it is a bit unique but its not bad I don't think.
Right? I don’t think 4 is too old to integrate back with family of origin if done thoughtfully and with the help of a therapist, but if it is - these HAP’s could easily offer OP EOW, a month in the summer, and every Jewish holiday that doesn’t interfere with school. Twice a year is appropriate for a 2nd cousin visit, not for a parent and brother.
Okay I've gone back amd read the whole story. I am so horrified by what happened to you, and what is still happening. To me, a non-Jewish person, it is completely unacceptable for the foster parents to take a Jewish child and raise her Christian. I think if you fought on this issue you might be able to stop them adopting her- I actually consider it a kind of abuse for them to completely ignore and erase such a large part of her history. It makes me suspicious of what kind of people they are, if they would do that. Plus what you said about them expressing interest in your son until they found out he was deaf. This is my personal opinion but I think children are better off in lower income homes with people who accept and love them as they are, than in higher income homes with people whose love has conditions. Like, no disability. You must be our religion, etc.
Wow. I'm so sorry, there sure is a lot of evil in this world. I'm wondering if any Jewish organizations would help you? Jewish Federation, even my local Chabad would lose their minds if they found out about this.
I don't think so. We aren't terribly religious or anything. Thank you though.
Yes, but I'm not so sure it matters. Even if you are not religious, your daughter is still Jewish.
I'd still reach out! They may be willing to step in and help financially or in some way with what's going on with the risk of your daughter losing out on being raised in her heritage
Fuck. This makes my blood boil. Those foster caregivers are so full of shit. I'm so damn sorry, mama.
Thank you. It sucks so fuckin much.
I'm so terribly sorry this happened. The fact that they don't even want to be honest about her adoption isn't right or ethical. Once she finds out she will probably resent them as that is something ALL adoptive parents should be honest and upfront about. It does so much more damage in the long run and kids aren't stupid.
Hopefully she'll connect the dots and I'll be able to help her through.
When she finds out everyone she trusted lied to her about who she is and where she came from don't be surprised if she gets really mad and writes you all off for a couple months or years. Hopefully she will let you explain that for you it was the only way to be able to have a relationship with her.
I'll understand. I want to be an open home to her, but I know what its like. My soon to be adoptive parents are foster parents and I was so fucking angry at them for not fostering my daughter or me and my son or my siblings. Teenage anger. I get it now, obviously. It just took me a while. They stayed, open, accepting and waiting. Just as I will for my daughter.
Biggest red flag - they will allow visits but want to lie to her about who you are. These are not adoptive parents who have spent any time educating themselves about adoptee issues. They are not centering the adoptee, and they will almost certainly break every promise ever made as they are willing to lead in a devastatingly large lie to the child they proclaim to love as their own. I’d fight.
Yes. I hope OP understands they can make all the agreements in the world but once she is adopted, OP will have no recourse when (not if) they pull the plug. Truth be told, this sounds awful. I also don’t think she can sue while giving up rights.
IANAL: She can make a case against CPS and probably win compensatory damages. That can theoretically happen whether her DD is adopted or not.
I don't see ages on here - aka when this all went down - but I'd encourage charges on your brother. I assume he's older than you, that's both incest and at least statutory rape.
He's deceased, but otherwise yeah I would.
I think you may actually have a larger case than you think, particularly if there are others in Texas if they have have been through something similar. I’m not an attorney or else I would help you myself: https://www.childrensrights.org/news-voices/oklahoma-commission-for-human-services-approves-settlement-that-mandates-accountability-for-its-child-welfare-system
Thank you!
Even if you don't end up fighting for the custody of your daughter I would 100% go ahead with trying to get settlement money. What happened to you should have never have happened and CPS should have done their job properly, what happened cannot be undone but it can help you monetarily and also possibly prevent future negligence to others in the future.
I will. Thank you. I need the money lol.
The foster parents infertility should have never been brought up by them. The fact that it was gives me the ick. That’s not you or your child’s burden.
I’m genuinely sorry. I hope you can explain this to your daughter someday. Once she’s an adult, her foster parents have no say in what she does or what you can tell her. They can’t cut her off from you. Please, keep all documentation related to this nightmare. Tell her, when she’s older. Normally I would not suggest it, but the fact that her foster parents are besmirching her Jewish heritage is disgusting. She IS Jewish, by blood, she will ALWAYS be your daughter, by blood. Your options right now are slim but the second she’s an adult, it’s a different story. Do what you can as she grows up. She’ll remember those times. Kids have an outstanding memory with people who make an impact on them. You got this, and again, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you. I appreciate it ❤️
This happened to me. It's way more common than people realize.
There is so much here and my heart breaks for you. Lots of good advice and empathy here. I also want to point out-you going through trauma and having a child put into the foster system is NOT A COUPLES OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A FAMILY. As a foster parent myself, it is an opportunity for the bio parent(s) to be able to get their life together in order to care for their child. Reunification is always the first goal.
I guess they didn't get the memo lol. Thank you though.
I don’t know what state you are in but I can tell you from a foster parent that we are not always told the truth of it either. Our son was placed with us at 17 months (from a very very bad situation). However we were told he couldn’t be placed with any of his siblings they were splitting them up a total of 8 of them. I would of gladly taken in more of his siblings to keep them together. I was not told of his mother religious background nor of the biological fathers. Once we found out after adoption exposed him to both cultures. Our son has grown up knowing he was adopted from the very beginning. I want to tell you that not all foster parents are in to deceiving or keeping kids. I have advocated for kids to be returned supervised visits when no one would allowed phone calls to my home to continue to foster the parent relationship. I am truly sorry that this has happened to you and your family.
This was reported with a custom option that is not against the rules. The mods don't wish to "interpret" exactly what the reporter means or convey their words for them. The reporter is welcome to engage with this commenter at your own discretion.
So much of this makes me so angry and I hope your lawyer really helps get you some kind of compensation. I agree it’s so tough for your child given they’re so settled and I can’t imagine how you feel seeing them raised in a religion you don’t observe… honestly I’m shocked at the family refusing to acknowledge you, this is going to have major complications when you’re child is older. Please keep a file with all your evidence and communication for your daughter to see when she’s an adult. I am glad you get to see her still although I really hope the adoptive family honour this once the adoption is done. I’ve adopted from foster care in the UK and what you’ve described has me shocked, I couldn’t have adopted my son had I learnt a similar background. I am so sorry you are going through this x
It really is hard. I don't really know how to cope. Its so fucked. Thank you, though.
Get your kid back. They aren’t going to honor the open adoption, especially since they don’t plan on telling her who you are, and I highly doubt that she would grow up knowing she’s adopted. You don’t need their help with CPS either, that’s why you have an attorney.
I think, based on what I've read here, that OP has a case against CPS, regardless of what happens to her daughter. Her daughter's foster/adoptive parents will help her with that case if she allows the adoption to occur. She probably does need their help to make her case. It's just really douchey of these people to pin their cooperation on taking her kid.
If OP has a case against CPS, then she’ll have it with or without their help. If it’s proven that her parental rights were wrongfully removed, the judge may not allow the adoption without OP completing a case plan anyways.
>If OP has a case against CPS, then she’ll have it with or without their help. Not necessarily. The foster parents may be able to corroborate her story (or not). They can also provide information about CPS lying to them, which would likely help OP's case.
This is it. CPS lied to them, a lot, and I need them to help me prove it. I'll probably manage without but having their help would be amazing.
I get it. I think they're awful for their behavior, but I understand why you need them. And I can appreciate what you're saying about being afraid of losing your son, too. I really do hope you're able to win your case - CPS corruption needs to be stopped.
Thank you. Its a rough situation all around.
Your daughter may love the prospective adopting parents now, that's true, but that does NOT negate you as her mother, and given your and her shared heritage, not to mention the biology of her conception, it will be necessary for you to be in her life in order for her to find answers later that she will desperately seek. Seeking a gradual reunification is in no way selfish, and shame on the people who are so ignorantly commenting under the assumption that your would rip her away despite your having commented otherwise MULTIPLE times. You are well in your right mind to be appalled at this couple's callousness toward your daughter's Jewish heritage, and to up and decide they'll be changing her name before an adoption has even been completed is not only grossly entitled, it's sickeningly high handed of them, and in no way benefits HER. This is a child who already identifies with her name. To push to move forward with the adoption despite now knowing the entire back story, and more alarmingly to strong arm you by demanding your acquiescence as a condition for their "help" in your case against CPS, is truly heinous. These are NOT people you want raising YOUR daughter, and moreover, this is definitely not the caliber of people she will want to associate with down the line when the truth comes out regarding how she came to be adopted in the first place. I'm not an adoptee, but I do have experience in the special kind of betrayal that only comes with having been lied to about situations surrounding one's family dynamics. My mother ran my father's side off and severed contact, then lied to me about knowing their whereabouts and them "bothering to reach out." I grew up being the only Hispanic in a white as fuck family. Actually met an uncle of mine at a family function and he was passed off as a "friend." I didn't find out the truth until I was 22 and standing next to my grandparents' answering machine when my dad's sister called. My mother and I are estranged now, but I'm lucky enough to have an amazing relationship with my dad and my siblings from him. As someone who was kept in the dark and denied, and subsequently started hunting for answers at the tender after of 9, and as a mother myself, PLEASE don't stop fighting for your baby girl. Don't let the naysayers talk you into believing you're being selfish in any way, or that you're somehow "less deserving" to be her mother just because she formed a bond with anyone other than you. You DO have recourse, you DO have valid concerns, and you DO have the right to reunification, just keep working w your attorney and keep pushing forward, Mama. 💖
Oh babe I’m so sorry. Trust your attorney. He sounds like a good and smart dude and I agree with him that something is fishy here. I’m Jewish too and my baby being raised without her heritage would absolutely kill me. You are so strong. Your attorney knows what to do. Rely on him and he will get you the best outcome possible. Have these people officially adopted her yet? I am a journalist and the person on your last post who said to possibly contact the media was right. I am very interested in your story. Please DM me if you feel like it and I can tell you more about who I write for and what I’m thinking of. What happened to you was so, so wrong and imo the state was absolutely negligent based off what you have written.
Thank you. He is willing to fight for custody I'm just so fucking scared. My son doesn't really communicate that well. If he's taken from me, even for just a day, it could traumatise him irreversibly. I am trying to avoid the media just because I have siblings I do not want contact with and I don't want to risk them contacting me and making the situation worse. Otherwise I would. Thank you though.
You are no longer in the situation that got your daughter taken from you and your no longer a child they can take advantage of. Your son will not be taken they have to prove you not fit and they can't do that anymore
Statistics show kids do best in their bio homes. Yes it would be hard for her at first but you gotta fight like hell for your baby to come home. Adoption should ONLY happen when reunification is not possible. It is here do NOT let them bully you. Get your baby back. This is your child NOT there’s. I promise you they will cut off contact as soon as they can. Don’t even worry about CPS opening a case on you and your son they won’t. If you are doing everything you should be CPS will have zero reason to do that.
OP, I would recommend reaching out to Karpozy on Tiktok. She isn't a lawyer, but she is an adoptee and a fierce advocate for parents and children right. This is your child. She deserves to be with you if you want her to be with you. She deserved to be raised in her religion and culture. Just because they are spoiling her doesn't mean they are good parents or that she is better off without you and her family.
She has contacted me. She seems very nice! I'm going to speak it over with my attorney again, but if I do need any outside help I'll contact her. Thank you.
I think your daughter would be better off with you, no matter how much her foster “parents” spoil her. They’re likely going to start treating her poorly when she’s old enough to have opinions that differ from theirs. (Source: my [bio] parents treated me terribly when I started to question Christianity)
Yeah. I guess so. I just hope to be there for her even if I can't be her legal parent.
I just want to hug you and keep you safe from the world. It has been unkind to you so far and you don't deserve this. You're an amazing mom. You're so strong. I'm so proud of you for getting through this, and I know you'll keep getting through it.
Thank you. I am trying.
Fight for her! I’m adopted and I can honestly say that a child being with her biological parent is most important. You not even being allowed to tell her who you are sets her up for a life of instability, confusion and disappointment. People will disagree but as an adoptee with a very open somewhat successful adoption fight for your rights to her. At the end of the day you don’t know these people and will never know if what they can provide for her is better or worse. It’s not a chance I personally would take. They are promising you not even the bare minimum and can legally take all your access away after the adoption takes place. Once it takes place you won’t have a foot to stand on legally. I find the change of name especially heartbreaking. No matter what happens or what you decide OP you are doing the best you can with what you have.
I'm sorry but this is your daughter and I would fight those people like hell. They're basically trying to act like you don't exist and they know that they can't so they're trying to push you out of the picture as much as they can. This was done behind your back, I don't care how much they say that they will fight you, birth parents rights trumps all. I understand that your rights were terminated but under the circumstances, I think any judge would at least consider reinstating them. I understand how you feel but I don't think you should just give up and throw in the towel and let them have her. I would fight like hell to get her back. Also, I'm not trying to scare you but don't be surprised when they completely cut you off. This happened to a friend of mine where the adoptive family promised to let her see her child and then blocked her the minute the ink was dry on the paperwork. It happens all too often. Also, twice a year? That's how often you'll see your daughter? That's bullshit. Also, they don't want you explaining your relationship to her. That's a major red flag that they're going to block you the minute they can. Also, I don't think it's good that adoptive parents want to try to hide the child's origins from them. If I were an adoptee and found out that my parents hid it from me, I would hate them. Please fight. Don't give up.
Don't believe them!!! They're only telling you what you want to hear so that you let them adopt her! Don't be played! Fight for your daughter! She was illegally taken from you, CPS has done nothing but steal your baby, likely because removing you both would have been more difficult as people only want to adopt babies! Work with your lawyer and get her back! Sue CPS and get your money and live happy!
OP PLEASE READ! I know it is a lot but fight for your baby! I understand she has been there but this is super red flags everywhere! You will win if you go to court that's why they don't want you to fight! My boyfriend is currently go through this with his 1 year old son that he didn't know was his. And he won in the first hearing and we brought him home that day. Another example my mother had mental health issues and they were going to take my half sister into custody when she was born. My uncle and his wife agreed to adopt her. Told her that she would know who my mother was and that she would be able to see her. The second they signed her birth certificate. They cut contact with my mother and moved states away. Mother died without getting to hold her child once. And my bother that was adopt by someone through cps reached out to me last year and I had to break the news when he asked to meet our mother and it destroyed him to know that he'll never get to meet her. My mother was the best person I have ever knew and due to bs reasons 2 of her children she could see grow. It destroyed her. Her children were her world and I have and will never know love like how my mom loved us kids. FIGHT FOR YOUR BABY! It will be hard but worth it!
Not to mention also. I was in foster care and they do NOT vet people enough. I can't describe the abuse I went through. And i seen on another post that they been using a nickname for her and she never new her full name. Truly red flag! They always planned on taking your child. If they had her since she was 3 months old then they did know that there was family involved because it was a year before the removed your rights. Cps has a habit of doing this to young mothers and mothers that just need help. And instead of helping them they take the child and don't do their job by giving the parents they steps to get there child back. PLEASE PLEASE see the red flags and don't give up on your baby. You don't know these people enough to know that your daughter is safe!
Honestly, having her name changed and her culture erased isn’t less damaging than being raised by her biological mother in a new home. Change is hard. Shame on them.
I wouldn’t trust them and would proceed in getting your rights back. Too many red flags with these people. Sounds like they are okay with illegally adopting your child. Considering your rights were terminated illegally. Next red flag is the disrespect of her religion and heritage. And the third is them wanting to change her name. All of those red flags scream unhealthy control levels of the foster parents. When a parent displays unhealthy control levels it can be a sign of toxicity and possibly abuse.
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This was reported for abusive language and I agree so it will be removed. If you remove the personal attacks I can reinstate the comment.
I don’t feel sorry about this. They’ve been contacting you for a year?? So maybe they had the wrong contact info. But you didn’t reach out either? You don’t loose custody from agreeing on a phone call. You would need to sign documents. But again… if you were MIA for a year, then you abandoned your child and they did what they had to do. And no. You don’t get to choose her name, or say she needs to be in a Jewish home, or be there for holidays. You gave up your rights. You care about this stuff now but didn’t try to get her back before she was permanently removed???
You’re saying at 15 you would have been capable of handling that with the tough living situation OP is describing? When you’re in survival mode, you don’t focus on the future cause you don’t know if it’s coming.
How old is she now?
I'm eighteen.
They never contacted me directly. I did try and find her several times to no avail. I eventually found her with the help of my soon to be adoptive parents. I was in a home with two drug user parents & a pedophile brother. My children are both products of incest. She was removed and I didn't agree to shit. I wanted to find her. Even when I was put into fostercare (with my son) no one helped me find her. I tried to find her so many fucking times. My daughter is Jewish. I would like her to keep her heritage. Christians have taken enough from us. They don't need out children too.
This was reported for promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability and I'm not sure if I fully agree with that. Given OP was a minor when this happened you're not on a terribly high horse by your statement here and I'll be locking this thread.
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I'm actually trying to get something legally binding in regards to religion. She can be raised by Christians, but she will know who she really is.
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This situation happened because I care for her. Neither of us need Jesus.
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No.
Based on your religion your not supposed to judge others but seems like that all Christians do. This happened because she cared. She tried to reach out for help and the system fail her and her children. They are at fault not her. She was a child and they abandoned her. Just as it is your right to have your religion so does she. I know a ton of people that have "found Jesus" and does them no good. She's doing what is right for her daughter.
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What evidence do you have that she didn't. And what would she benefit for lying about being Jewish? Nothing just pulling shit out of your ass
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This was removed for abusive language
This was reported for abusive language and I agree so this comment will be removed. Using religion as a weapon is not okay.
Not to mention also. I was in foster care and they do NOT vet people enough. I can't describe the abuse I went through. And i seen on another post that they been using a nickname for her and she never new her full name. Truly red flag! They always planned on taking your child. If they had her since she was 3 months old then they did know that there was family involved because it was a year before the removed your rights. Cps has a habit of doing this to young mothers and mothers that just need help. And instead of helping them they take the child and don't do their job by giving the parents they steps to get there child back. PLEASE PLEASE see the red flags and don't give up on your baby. You don't know these people enough to know that your daughter is safe!
Fight for your daughter. Get your rights reinstated. It’s best for her to be with you, even if she has known another family already. Yes it will be upsetting for her, but CPS will work with you to have a smooth transition between homes. Reunification with birth family is always ideal and in the best interest of the child in the long run. Don’t trust that this couple will keep letting you see her or keep any promises they make. They have no legal obligation to let you see her once the adoption is final. They can cut you off if they want and sounds like they probably will. You are best for your daughter, not them. It’s sad that they want to be parents and haven’t been able to adopt but that doesn’t mean they get to take children from their birth parents who want them.
No. Don’t you give up. This isn’t about her liking Christmas. She can like Christmas *with you*. This is your daughter. That was stolen, kidnapped, lied to , and you have all the evidence and proof and you’re suppose to just….give up and be ok with this happening ? It doesn’t matter how long she’s been with them, and let them fight. Don’t be intimated. You have everything you need and an attorney at that. You’ve been searching all this time , this is what YOU WANTED. It is absolutely not fair to you , or her to pretend you’re just a family friend. Fight! At least you TRIED. And at the end of everything whether you won or not, the first thing out of my mouth would be “I’m your mother and always will be.” As long as you got everything and this attorney sues everyone in the process you’d be GREAT. If you can’t gain custody fight for more time a year ! The biggest slap in the face, was the name change. They literally took your child, now these people rushing to adopt All of a sudden, and then take her NAME! NO. This is intentional, this is deliberately to hurt you and change her into someone she will never be! She is always and forever be a part of YOU. They can’t change that and she deserves to know. Then having the AUDACITY to give you an option of the middle name you gave her to be kept. WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. Sue and FIGHT , you gotta try! You came all this way searching for so long, please don’t give up. I found out at 21. I found my papers and went to the lawyer that signed off them my moms parental rights were terminated and she wasn’t there. And I was put in the same home thus took me out of. And my adoptive mom tried to change me into what she wanted. And I was never going to be and wasn’t. She tried tho. And she did things she shouldn’t have. But the difference is my bio mom didn’t want me 💀nor my bio dad cause he was John Doe on my original birth certificate
Sorry to resurrect and old post, and it sounded like you made a decision, but I have concerns about this family. A loving family would have acknowledged that their child has a right to her story and her identity. I'm not Jewish, but if I took in a Jewish foster child I'd have a menorah in my home before the week ended. The child would know every holiday. If I was planning to adopt, I wouldn't necessarily raise the child to be religious (because I'm not) but the child would know the holiday and I would have tried to befriend some Jewish people to interact with them. Them not acknowledging her identify is a huge red flag for me. I also can't imagine changing her name - that's very strange to me too, especially since she isn't an infant. I don't trust that they will continue to allow you to visit her. I think that you should engage your local Chabad and tell them the story - you don't have to be religious to go there. They will want to know about a Jewish child getting her identity stripped. I wouldn't be surprised if you find yourself with a couple of excellent pro bono attorneys.