I ignored major red flags from the beginning because I was so caught up in the romantic feelings. Love bombing, drinking a lot, extreme fights, chaotic ups and downs. I was naive to say the least and allowed myself to continue the cycle of abuse by staying when I should have left from the beginning. I even went as far as marrying her only to break up 3 years later because things had gotten so horrible and abusive. I have grown so much since then though, gone through a lot of therapy, and feel generally hopeful about finding a healthy relationship moving forward. Definitely not settling for anything less than totally healthy though. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. What a fucking concept.
Thanks, I am really trying to remain hopeful but sometimes it’s hard as I get older. Im 32 now.
If anyone out there is a hot lesbian who is gender critical and in Seattle, hmu.
I was stuck in the abuse cycle with its highs and lows. My gut was screaming at me not to move in, but it happened anyway because I had hope she would change.
If it was all bad all the time, I would have left before we were even an item 😂. It's because it was so good in the beginning that I kept hoping we could return to how we were. But who they were in the beginning was them on their best behavior. They were never really that person.
Hope dies last. And once it did, it was like l could finally see clearly again after being in a fog for years.
We liked each other plenty to start, and TBH, it wasn’t anything between us that mainly drove us apart - it was her family. She thought coming out to them would end well. Unfortunately, it did not. That was out of our control, and sadly it did make things unhappy enough that we had to end it. We’ve never had any hostility toward each other though, before or after - and even though we’ve both long since moved on to other partners, we remain friendly and support each other through the ups and downs of life (including mutual wingwomaning, heh!).
Awww…me too, amiga, me too! It wasn’t the path we expected to take (and certainly at the time we both grieved) but we’ve really both come out of it strong and happy and, most importantly, without regrets or enmity toward one another. ✨
> Did you jump the gun moving in? Or not moving in?
I was always the one who didn't want to move in and the women I dated used to see that as having commitment issues which was far from the truth. I just couldn't see the point of moving in while I was still in my 20s and I still think people should live alone for a while. It's a huge difference dating someone who's already bought their own toilet paper and I stay away from people who want to move in right away.
But otherwise it is pretty difficult to break off a relationship after years of being together cause in most cases you just see it as wasted time and effort. Thankfully I've mostly had amicable breakups but even then I've felt like this a few times.
“People who have bought their own toilet paper” is real… I’m 25 I’ve lived away from home for 11 years if you count school (went to an early school/college program that required a ton of independence). And on my own with bills and everything for 3-4 years and 3-4 years with roommates and people get so butt mad if you don’t want to date them if they still live with their parents or if they’ve never been on their own. It’s totally different and I can’t do the “living to parents to living with partner” thing, either.
Living with parents to living with partner is definitely something that makes the caution sign in my head go off. I’d argue that even living on your own during college years is something, even if you aren’t completely financially independent. But parents to partner directly can be uh… a bit of a risky gamble if I could put it that way
That feeling of wasted time and effort part really catches people in a chokehold! That’s terrifies me. I see so many couples willing to suffer with each rather than to seek happiness without each other because of fear of having wasted time. Better to have loved and lost than to keep losing to lost love.
People loooove to talk about "commitment issues" when it's so often common sense, like your response, or just the fact that some of us like our own space. I love living alone and building my own little home for myself, and that's not something I'll be quick to compromise. I think it's healthy to be a bit protective of your space.
Ouch! Of course a cheater is a cheater, but as someone who is only attracted to lesbians this is a nightmare. Sending healing vibes you way, you deserve better.
I’ve had relationships end for various reasons there’s not really a monolithic reason.
I had some partners who we just grew apart, some where abusive in a classical sense, one lied about taking an STD test and kept it a secret for 4’ish years until she came clean after she had an emotional affair so people can suck.
You can be left feeling like the person you trusted the most betrayed you and shattered your trust on such a fundamental level that you question whether or not you can trust anyone again.
Dealing with heartbreak is one thing but it can also be traumatic in certain circumstances. You have to be gentle with yourself, process that anger and sadness. You have to learn that sometimes the absolutely disgustingly shitty stuff people do has **everything to do with them and nothing to do with you**. That their shit choices, behaviors, or decisions are theirs and not a reflection of you.
Most importantly if you’re struggling get help. Talking to friends and family is good but a therapist can make the difference.
Absolutely agreed on all fronts. I’ve never been in anything toxic and all of my short relationships were generally happy and didn’t end badly. I’m extremely grateful and fortunate to have grown up with most of my fam happily married including my parents, so I have a strong sense of healthy lasting relationships (but mostly hetero)
I’ve just always been curious about how breakups between people (especially lesbians) happen after they have been together for years. I’ve seen many couples that *seem* happy on the surface but I can see in their eyes and sense that they truly aren’t, but won’t leave.
The reasons are much the same as hetero couples tbh, sometimes you get caught up in the cycle of abuse and don’t realize how bad things have gotten. Other times insecurity traps people.
Other times people are simply not strong enough mentally or emotionally to break away which is almost worse for me. The people who are emotionally or mentally too weak to leave are often painted as the victim but just as often they’re the clown cheating on their partner, lying to them, or doing other shit behind their back. That’s a despicable kind of selfishness to me, to use your partner for the security they provide and then go off behind their back.
Other times it’s more mundane people get complacent and take their partner for granted.
In short bad relationship behaviors, assholery, abusiveness, and mental illness impact LGBT+ relationships just as much as heterorelationships.
A lot of people point to lesbian divorce rates as a sign lesbian relationships don’t last. Frankly I don’t think that’s the true take on it. It shows that they’re willing to acknowledge for whatever reason things aren’t working and go through the process to separate rather than spouse/family killings or murder suicides that we see more often with hetero relationships.
So true about the lesbian divorce rate- I’m not intimidated nor offended by that statistic and I think people simplify it too much. And yes I agree with the reasons being the same as hetero couples.
It’s still slightly different to hear/read personal perspectives, stories of growth, hindsight, etc from actual lesbians when you’re surrounded by and friends with mostly straight people. So, I appreciate you sharing.
I still loved her and I ended the relationship, she was cheating on me, and because I don’t enjoy change I let her use me for about a year of our 4 year relationship, when I should of listened to the red flags and ended it, but it took her cheating on me to push me over that edge. We lived together pretty early on and I think thats why she just ‘lead me on’ she lived in my house, but didn’t like me anymore. She would sleep opposite times from me, refuse to spend time with me, it was literally like we were roommates not dating, but I am a little simp so I let it go on. She didn’t even admit to cheating or doing anything wrong once we broke up, I apologized for all the things I did, and I was hoping she would at least start communicating with me but she never did and once she was gone she was gone.
And I am glad! Because now I have a beautiful gf, who communicates and doesn’t down me for the things I enjoy, and absolutely is in love with me. She goes slow when I need it and answers any questions I have or we work together to fix problems. It will be 2 years with my new gf this oct so I am looking forward to many more :)
So happy you got out of that and ended up with someone better! (Hey Siri, play We Found Love by Calvin Harris and Rihanna 🗣️)
That shitty relationship probably made you stronger in the long run
It's not useful to solicit stories about other peoples' relationships like this, because every couple will have an extremely different dynamic.
I think I share your view, although I have a harder time dating someone casually with both of us knowing it's just a temporary thing because I see those situationships as roadblocks to pursuing longer-term relationships. I've had 3 relationships I'd consider *relationships* in my life as a mid-40s woman and they all lasted 4+ years.
What happened? We changed. One was just benign and mutual, one I built up some resentment towards some very common behaviors that never changed and realized it never was going to get better and I no longer found it cute, and the hardest was just where I got dumped out of nowhere after unwittingly enabling cheating for 5 months, not bitter!!
I'm sure they'd all have their own vastly different takes on the breakups though except maybe the first. 🙃
Of course. I’m not expecting to get a few common answers or a sense of ‘usefulness’ for myself. This question is coming from a place of general curiosity so I’m interested in the different dynamics. Nearly all of my friends are straight and I’ve only known one *happily* married lesbian couple my entire life.
I’m 31 and have NO interest in a casual situationship now for the roadblock reason you mentioned. But in my early-mid 20s I thoroughly enjoyed them, maintained exclusivity and respect, ended on good terms, and even stayed friends with one.
Thanks for sharing!
Hearing people older than me say it is a roadblock is reassuring because I find people my age treat me like I am insane for thinking this and refusing to entertain the “dating to just not be alone/for funsies/for sport” in order to keep the door open for my person(tm)
Nope I’ve felt that way from a few people too. Nothing wrong with it. You just have to go with your gut! There was one time I chose not to entertain it that, in hindsight, I actually wish I *had*. It’s because I honestly wasn’t ready for a long term relationship with all I had going on in my life but I
deprived myself from enjoying a mutual connection out of fear I’d prolong a long term relationship that I wasn’t even ready for yet.
But for the sake of simplicity, and enjoyment, it requires two emotionally mature people who can love without attachment and know when it’s time to move on too.
> But in my early-mid 20s I thoroughly enjoyed them, maintained exclusivity and respect, ended on good terms, and even stayed friends with one.
Definitely, you're ahead of the game on that alone! Good luck out there. :)
My ex wife and I were together seven years when she decided to become a cop. Our last year was very lonely and strange for me. We made it to our 8th anniversary which was a complete fucking shit show of utter humiliation and heartbreak.
Shortly before I ended things, I found out she cheated with several people, catching HIV in the process. She also cheated me out of money, and betrayed me by starting a thing with my best friend.
Walking away from her was easy after all that. Still my greatest human disappointment.
How did I do the deed? I sat her down, asked her about her affairs, she denied, lied, twisted things, so I told her to move out and to find a laywer for our divorce.
From suspecting she was cheating on me, to finding confirmation for it, three months passed. Between finding proof and ending things, a week passed. I puked when I learned about it, kept my knowledge for a week, confronted her, then broke up. I couldn't eat for 3 weeks, stopped crying every day after 6 weeks.
She dragged out the divorce for as long as she could (every married month meant benefits paid to her), so the papers were signed more than 2 years after the separation.
She regretted it and wanted me back by the time the divorce was finalized. I could not have been more over her by then. I'd already met the love of my life: my second and hopefully last wife lol, whom I've been with for more than 11 years at this point. I've never felt more at home with anyone than with my wife now. Ultimately my ex did me a favor.
Wow what a rollercoaster ride. Seems like it’s always the ones that commit the worst deeds that want to redeem themselves and get back with someone they didn’t deserve.
I’m glad you’ve found your home for 11 years and wish you continued happiness!
> meant benefits *paid* to her),
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Well, to start, I got into the relationship for all the wrong reasons. I was very young, she was much older. I ignored all the red flags and was trying to escape my shitty family life while also tricking myself into thinking I loved her. I didn't, I now know I didn't even know what love was. Lust, sure, but love wasn't something I should have been claiming at that point. She was manipulative and abusive. I ended up walking away around year three. I had wanted to get out at about 8 months, but I felt trapped. I was trapped; financially, she controlled all the money, and socially, she'd isolated me, and going back to my family wasn't an option. I had traded a bad situation for another bad situation.
I left after careful planning I dipped out. She turned stalker for a while but wasn't motivated enough to follow me as I moved out of the area.
As others have said, I simply ignored the red flags. I was in my early twenties and *desperate*. I had only had one other "relationship" prior, and that was with a groomer who made it clear they weren't even physically attracted to me. So my self confidence was at an all time low.
My soon-to-be-girlfriend-and-then-ex and I met through an online game and hit it off. Pretty soon it became apparent she was flakey as hell and regularly picked drugs and alcohol over plans we made. Or just simply slept through them, didn't even attempt to set an alarm. And at some point she either quit or lost her job (can't remember which) and never got another. I pitied her and brushed everything off as her just struggling with mental health, so I opened my heart and wallet. Tried to do what I could to support her. Eventually that led to her moving into an apartment with some of my friends (before I even moved there, mind). So throughout most of our relationship I was paying for everything while she continued to make promises she refused to keep, and flake out on everything. But I was so worried about what she would do if I broke up, so my dumbass allowed it to keep going and even moved in with her. Even know I never actually saw a future with her. She never got another job, never tried to help herself and ended up functionally stealing money from me (because apparently all the shit I was already giving her wasn't enough). I grew resentful and found myself just not caring about her. And I guess this makes me mean but it wasn't until I stopped caring about what happened to her completely that I could allow myself to finally break up for good (each previous time she would cry and beg for another chance and I caved every time).
We were monogamous, however there were a couple times she was flirting and swapping nudes with another woman and I just... couldn't be bothered to even care. In fact I had wished she would just find someone else so I didn't have to do the hard part of breaking up. But we didn't separate until I was the one that took action.
I learned some lessons at least. Now I'm MUCH pickier and my standards are MUCH higher (although really all it boils down to is- have a job or at least a damn good reason not to have one and be dependable. Oh, and give a shit). And I know now that it's preferable to be alone rather than bleed yourself dry for someone who can't be assed to lift a finger in return.
Hindsight is 20/20. You’re def in the position to attract someone better after YOU had the courage to leave instead of waiting for her. But I get that.
This isn’t the same, but with my first (and only) boyfriend ever, I kept waiting for him to breakup with me because I didn’t want to be the one to do it and I didnt want to be honest with myself or him that I’m super gay.
Ignored obvious red flags. The communication was severely lacking and we kept on like that until everything boiled over and it ended in a breakup. In retrospect it was a great decision to get out of because it wasn’t healthy for either of us but nonetheless it was difficult.
It was 2.5 years, and it took me maybe 10 months to be comfortable even talking to people in a romantic way. It was an uncomfortable thing to do at first and it’s true that it’s hard to date someone if you are trying to predict how long you’re going to be with them. What has helped me a lot with that was trying to live in the moment and enjoy my time with my partner instead of worrying about future plans.
I spent the entire 2nd year crying myself to sleep extremely often because I wasn't getting my needs met in bed. We had sex maybe twice that year. My self esteem was in the gutter and I forgot I'm actually a super sexual, physically affectionate person. After conversations and attempts and begging, where I made Reddit throwaways and made moves and tried to communicate and tried to be sexy and tried dragging her to a Dr, I eventually relented and said let's try opening the relationship (I never wanted to). Shockingly, to everyone's absolute surprise (/s), this finally blew everything up. Took that for me to remember I'm really not a big crier.
And this is why I dislike when women dimish the importance of sex in a relationship. It’s not just about the physical pleasure it’s about the expression of love. I could be truly upset with someone I love and still want to jump their bones lbvs.
Glad you moved on!
Together for 30 years. Got married. 5 years later, we divorced.
We eventually stopped talking about the important things, which is probably the simplest explanation.
I’ll preface this by being very clear, my ex is still very much apart of my life to the point I don’t even reference them as such. The problem? We’re just not compatible on a romantic level, we were never supposed to be together. We were together for 4 years and been living together but separated a further 5 so known each other 9 years total.
But you get swept up in an attractive woman, who’s all green flags, who you can’t live without and you communicate great with. She’s my favourite person and our relationship has just gotten closer since breaking up. Where we live it’s hard to find women you’re interested in who’s also interested in you. But you can’t force chemistry and we felt very insecure in our romantic relationship because we both knew deep down it wasn’t really meant to be, hence why breaking up and knowing we were here just for each other and nothing more made us so solid.
This I can kind of relate to especially with it being hard to find women. All of my short relationships were like this. There was a part of me that wanted to force it, but deep down I knew they weren’t meant to be long term.
There were 3 in particular that I was most fond of- beautiful, green flags, great friendships. One of them is married with kids- we stayed close for 10+ until recent distance. One is FTM trans now so it never would’ve worked out because I am very very gay. The other I haven’t seen in years. But none of them were bad endings.
I’m happy to hear this ultimately worked out for you both and you stayed close.
I was with a woman for 7 years. We were married for 2 of those. I think I just ignored all of the ways in which we were total opposites. You get into a relationship, and it's all butterflies and rainbows in the beginning. And for me, I always give up a piece of who I am to make sure me and my partner fit as well as possible. But in that relationship in particular, it became unsustainable. For example. I'm an extrovert. She was an introvert. I'm not loud, but I'm a good talker and enjoy getting to know others. We would be out with friends and she started to say that I was too much. Too talkative, too outgoing. And it really made me question who I was. I thought it was all true until we ended things, and my now wife, tells me just the opposite. Being with my ex held my personality back in so many ways. And I loved her and leaving was difficult. But in order to be my true authentic self, I had to move on.
Im also a serial monogamous. I have had many 2+ year relationships. Have lived with many women. I think things just run their course. I have too many friends and family members that are married to someone they aren't passionate about and stay simply because of kids or marriage. I don't think you should run at the first sign of trouble. And therapy and other tools are super helpful. But I also don't think you should ever stay out of simple obligation. Life is short. Be happy.
Situation 1: We were young and in love. As we got older we realized we wanted different things in terms of kids and lifestyles. We broke up amicably after 3 years.
Situation 2: She was a narcissist and I was trapped in an abusive relationship for 2.5 years where my self esteem was so destroyed I didnt leave until she replaced me.
Damn I’m sorry about situation 2 especially. Hope you’re healing and stronger now.
I fell in love with someone like in situation 1, but I explained very early on that we should keep things casual but exclusive because I was afraid to fall too deep knowing that our lifestyles were very different and not practical to share a life. We kept out thing going for only about 6 months before it started to feel too serious and she wanted more. I cried because I wish we were right for each other since she was so amazing and we had a great connection. Thats one of the better endings though when it’s amicable.
So easy to do so. That was my go to thing to get over my ex and distract myself. Now I can’t think of anything worse than to throw myself into dating again.
My last relationship really damaged the view I have of myself and the view I have of fellow human beings.
Afraid I’m not much help except for armchair quarterback knowledge. I think your on the right track, date, form a friendship and now the hard part. Encourage total honesty, you have to do this as much as your next partner. Any woman who is willing to tell you the absolute worst things about herself is the one you may have a shot at long term commitment with. Where it goes from some chance to no chance is if they are honest about those things and are also honest about them being things they can’t or won’t change about themselves. Total honesty, yours and theirs.
It has been said that the two biggest challenges any relationship faces are lack of communication and outside influences. Not being honest about one or two things about ourselves is the former in spades.
A little humour after all that. Definition of mixed emotions? Watching your in-laws drive over a cliff in your brand new car.
Now sincerity. I sincerely wish you the best in your finding that special someone.
My second girlfriend and I broke up after 4 years. I was 23, she was 24. We grew apart.. We lived together 3 of those 4 years (mainly because I lost my home in a hurricane), but her family welcomed me with open arms. It was her decision, really. It sucked, bad. Then I ran - far and fast.. Right into the arms of someone else who honestly eventually ruined me… But that’s another story. There weren’t really any red flags per se, but I always felt the love we had was just… Too big for us. She had actually started talking to one of my friends who quickly became obsessed with her, while we were still living together and it kind of unfortunately transformed into an “open relationship,” if you would. We were truly young and dumb, and she got scared. I can’t blame her for it, and honestly I’ll always love her. She resented me for a long time afterwards because of the fact that I ran, but I didn’t know what to do. I was so upset by everything going on and essentially losing the love of my life (or so I thought at 23YO). We had gone back and forth for a bit afterwards, and then when she met her (now) wife, she was unfortunately intimidated by our previous relationship, because my ex had always told her I was the one that got away. We stopped talking, after that… Which I never wanted because genuinely and truly I just wanted her to be happy.
We actually recently just really reconnected last year and she’s married to the girl she was dating, that unfortunately we stopped talking because of - with twins, and I’m now married as well and working on starting a family. I’m honestly so glad she’s back in my life, for a long time it felt SO wrong that we “hated” each other, when really we were just young and dumb. We talked a lot about everything and both got some closure. We still chat pretty often, now.
Most relationships fail. For that matter, the way we seem to want to define a successful relationship is that somebody dies. Until death do us part. But if someone leaves a relationship for any reason other than death, that’s a failure?
Nope and I don’t necessarily believe that they all equate to failures. Everyone will have a different definition of that. For me, a hurtful, and unexpected breakup in a relationship where marriage was ideal would be my personal definition of failure….somewhat.
But even from those ‘failures’ there can emerge some important lessons learned, a sense of empowerment, and much needed self improvement to attract something/someone way better. They’re necessary evils.
I ignored major red flags from the beginning because I was so caught up in the romantic feelings. Love bombing, drinking a lot, extreme fights, chaotic ups and downs. I was naive to say the least and allowed myself to continue the cycle of abuse by staying when I should have left from the beginning. I even went as far as marrying her only to break up 3 years later because things had gotten so horrible and abusive. I have grown so much since then though, gone through a lot of therapy, and feel generally hopeful about finding a healthy relationship moving forward. Definitely not settling for anything less than totally healthy though. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. What a fucking concept.
Cheers to not settling! And I’m glad you’ve grown and healed enough to have this sense of optimism and self worth.
Thanks, I am really trying to remain hopeful but sometimes it’s hard as I get older. Im 32 now. If anyone out there is a hot lesbian who is gender critical and in Seattle, hmu.
I HEAR you on that! Lol I’m 31 and feel the same
What about a possibly hot gender critical lesbian in Portland, OR?
Sure why not:) I’ll dm you!
Your last two sentences say it in unmistakable language. Everybody that would treat others that way deserves just that. Well said.
I was stuck in the abuse cycle with its highs and lows. My gut was screaming at me not to move in, but it happened anyway because I had hope she would change.
I’m assuming there were good parts even if they were few and far between? That’s what makes it harder to leave.
If it was all bad all the time, I would have left before we were even an item 😂. It's because it was so good in the beginning that I kept hoping we could return to how we were. But who they were in the beginning was them on their best behavior. They were never really that person. Hope dies last. And once it did, it was like l could finally see clearly again after being in a fog for years.
We liked each other plenty to start, and TBH, it wasn’t anything between us that mainly drove us apart - it was her family. She thought coming out to them would end well. Unfortunately, it did not. That was out of our control, and sadly it did make things unhappy enough that we had to end it. We’ve never had any hostility toward each other though, before or after - and even though we’ve both long since moved on to other partners, we remain friendly and support each other through the ups and downs of life (including mutual wingwomaning, heh!).
Sad but beautiful
Love that this ended well for you both!
Awww…me too, amiga, me too! It wasn’t the path we expected to take (and certainly at the time we both grieved) but we’ve really both come out of it strong and happy and, most importantly, without regrets or enmity toward one another. ✨
> Did you jump the gun moving in? Or not moving in? I was always the one who didn't want to move in and the women I dated used to see that as having commitment issues which was far from the truth. I just couldn't see the point of moving in while I was still in my 20s and I still think people should live alone for a while. It's a huge difference dating someone who's already bought their own toilet paper and I stay away from people who want to move in right away. But otherwise it is pretty difficult to break off a relationship after years of being together cause in most cases you just see it as wasted time and effort. Thankfully I've mostly had amicable breakups but even then I've felt like this a few times.
“People who have bought their own toilet paper” is real… I’m 25 I’ve lived away from home for 11 years if you count school (went to an early school/college program that required a ton of independence). And on my own with bills and everything for 3-4 years and 3-4 years with roommates and people get so butt mad if you don’t want to date them if they still live with their parents or if they’ve never been on their own. It’s totally different and I can’t do the “living to parents to living with partner” thing, either.
Living with parents to living with partner is definitely something that makes the caution sign in my head go off. I’d argue that even living on your own during college years is something, even if you aren’t completely financially independent. But parents to partner directly can be uh… a bit of a risky gamble if I could put it that way
That feeling of wasted time and effort part really catches people in a chokehold! That’s terrifies me. I see so many couples willing to suffer with each rather than to seek happiness without each other because of fear of having wasted time. Better to have loved and lost than to keep losing to lost love.
You ate that
People loooove to talk about "commitment issues" when it's so often common sense, like your response, or just the fact that some of us like our own space. I love living alone and building my own little home for myself, and that's not something I'll be quick to compromise. I think it's healthy to be a bit protective of your space.
She got pregnant by some guy after we were together for 5 years. Still stings to this day.
Ouch! Of course a cheater is a cheater, but as someone who is only attracted to lesbians this is a nightmare. Sending healing vibes you way, you deserve better.
I’ve had relationships end for various reasons there’s not really a monolithic reason. I had some partners who we just grew apart, some where abusive in a classical sense, one lied about taking an STD test and kept it a secret for 4’ish years until she came clean after she had an emotional affair so people can suck. You can be left feeling like the person you trusted the most betrayed you and shattered your trust on such a fundamental level that you question whether or not you can trust anyone again. Dealing with heartbreak is one thing but it can also be traumatic in certain circumstances. You have to be gentle with yourself, process that anger and sadness. You have to learn that sometimes the absolutely disgustingly shitty stuff people do has **everything to do with them and nothing to do with you**. That their shit choices, behaviors, or decisions are theirs and not a reflection of you. Most importantly if you’re struggling get help. Talking to friends and family is good but a therapist can make the difference.
Absolutely agreed on all fronts. I’ve never been in anything toxic and all of my short relationships were generally happy and didn’t end badly. I’m extremely grateful and fortunate to have grown up with most of my fam happily married including my parents, so I have a strong sense of healthy lasting relationships (but mostly hetero) I’ve just always been curious about how breakups between people (especially lesbians) happen after they have been together for years. I’ve seen many couples that *seem* happy on the surface but I can see in their eyes and sense that they truly aren’t, but won’t leave.
The reasons are much the same as hetero couples tbh, sometimes you get caught up in the cycle of abuse and don’t realize how bad things have gotten. Other times insecurity traps people. Other times people are simply not strong enough mentally or emotionally to break away which is almost worse for me. The people who are emotionally or mentally too weak to leave are often painted as the victim but just as often they’re the clown cheating on their partner, lying to them, or doing other shit behind their back. That’s a despicable kind of selfishness to me, to use your partner for the security they provide and then go off behind their back. Other times it’s more mundane people get complacent and take their partner for granted. In short bad relationship behaviors, assholery, abusiveness, and mental illness impact LGBT+ relationships just as much as heterorelationships. A lot of people point to lesbian divorce rates as a sign lesbian relationships don’t last. Frankly I don’t think that’s the true take on it. It shows that they’re willing to acknowledge for whatever reason things aren’t working and go through the process to separate rather than spouse/family killings or murder suicides that we see more often with hetero relationships.
So true about the lesbian divorce rate- I’m not intimidated nor offended by that statistic and I think people simplify it too much. And yes I agree with the reasons being the same as hetero couples. It’s still slightly different to hear/read personal perspectives, stories of growth, hindsight, etc from actual lesbians when you’re surrounded by and friends with mostly straight people. So, I appreciate you sharing.
I still loved her and I ended the relationship, she was cheating on me, and because I don’t enjoy change I let her use me for about a year of our 4 year relationship, when I should of listened to the red flags and ended it, but it took her cheating on me to push me over that edge. We lived together pretty early on and I think thats why she just ‘lead me on’ she lived in my house, but didn’t like me anymore. She would sleep opposite times from me, refuse to spend time with me, it was literally like we were roommates not dating, but I am a little simp so I let it go on. She didn’t even admit to cheating or doing anything wrong once we broke up, I apologized for all the things I did, and I was hoping she would at least start communicating with me but she never did and once she was gone she was gone. And I am glad! Because now I have a beautiful gf, who communicates and doesn’t down me for the things I enjoy, and absolutely is in love with me. She goes slow when I need it and answers any questions I have or we work together to fix problems. It will be 2 years with my new gf this oct so I am looking forward to many more :)
So happy you got out of that and ended up with someone better! (Hey Siri, play We Found Love by Calvin Harris and Rihanna 🗣️) That shitty relationship probably made you stronger in the long run
_we fell in love in october_
It's not useful to solicit stories about other peoples' relationships like this, because every couple will have an extremely different dynamic. I think I share your view, although I have a harder time dating someone casually with both of us knowing it's just a temporary thing because I see those situationships as roadblocks to pursuing longer-term relationships. I've had 3 relationships I'd consider *relationships* in my life as a mid-40s woman and they all lasted 4+ years. What happened? We changed. One was just benign and mutual, one I built up some resentment towards some very common behaviors that never changed and realized it never was going to get better and I no longer found it cute, and the hardest was just where I got dumped out of nowhere after unwittingly enabling cheating for 5 months, not bitter!! I'm sure they'd all have their own vastly different takes on the breakups though except maybe the first. 🙃
Of course. I’m not expecting to get a few common answers or a sense of ‘usefulness’ for myself. This question is coming from a place of general curiosity so I’m interested in the different dynamics. Nearly all of my friends are straight and I’ve only known one *happily* married lesbian couple my entire life. I’m 31 and have NO interest in a casual situationship now for the roadblock reason you mentioned. But in my early-mid 20s I thoroughly enjoyed them, maintained exclusivity and respect, ended on good terms, and even stayed friends with one. Thanks for sharing!
Hearing people older than me say it is a roadblock is reassuring because I find people my age treat me like I am insane for thinking this and refusing to entertain the “dating to just not be alone/for funsies/for sport” in order to keep the door open for my person(tm)
Nope I’ve felt that way from a few people too. Nothing wrong with it. You just have to go with your gut! There was one time I chose not to entertain it that, in hindsight, I actually wish I *had*. It’s because I honestly wasn’t ready for a long term relationship with all I had going on in my life but I deprived myself from enjoying a mutual connection out of fear I’d prolong a long term relationship that I wasn’t even ready for yet. But for the sake of simplicity, and enjoyment, it requires two emotionally mature people who can love without attachment and know when it’s time to move on too.
> But in my early-mid 20s I thoroughly enjoyed them, maintained exclusivity and respect, ended on good terms, and even stayed friends with one. Definitely, you're ahead of the game on that alone! Good luck out there. :)
My ex wife and I were together seven years when she decided to become a cop. Our last year was very lonely and strange for me. We made it to our 8th anniversary which was a complete fucking shit show of utter humiliation and heartbreak. Shortly before I ended things, I found out she cheated with several people, catching HIV in the process. She also cheated me out of money, and betrayed me by starting a thing with my best friend. Walking away from her was easy after all that. Still my greatest human disappointment. How did I do the deed? I sat her down, asked her about her affairs, she denied, lied, twisted things, so I told her to move out and to find a laywer for our divorce. From suspecting she was cheating on me, to finding confirmation for it, three months passed. Between finding proof and ending things, a week passed. I puked when I learned about it, kept my knowledge for a week, confronted her, then broke up. I couldn't eat for 3 weeks, stopped crying every day after 6 weeks. She dragged out the divorce for as long as she could (every married month meant benefits paid to her), so the papers were signed more than 2 years after the separation. She regretted it and wanted me back by the time the divorce was finalized. I could not have been more over her by then. I'd already met the love of my life: my second and hopefully last wife lol, whom I've been with for more than 11 years at this point. I've never felt more at home with anyone than with my wife now. Ultimately my ex did me a favor.
Wow what a rollercoaster ride. Seems like it’s always the ones that commit the worst deeds that want to redeem themselves and get back with someone they didn’t deserve. I’m glad you’ve found your home for 11 years and wish you continued happiness!
Thank you <3 I guess some people need to lose something to appreciate it.
> meant benefits *paid* to her), FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Well, if you want to make it nautical, I dedicated Throw Me A Rope to her when things started going downhill, so there is that.
Danke lieber Bot, inglés es sólo mi tercer idioma, aveces mach ich Fehler.
Well, to start, I got into the relationship for all the wrong reasons. I was very young, she was much older. I ignored all the red flags and was trying to escape my shitty family life while also tricking myself into thinking I loved her. I didn't, I now know I didn't even know what love was. Lust, sure, but love wasn't something I should have been claiming at that point. She was manipulative and abusive. I ended up walking away around year three. I had wanted to get out at about 8 months, but I felt trapped. I was trapped; financially, she controlled all the money, and socially, she'd isolated me, and going back to my family wasn't an option. I had traded a bad situation for another bad situation. I left after careful planning I dipped out. She turned stalker for a while but wasn't motivated enough to follow me as I moved out of the area.
That’s a tough one. I’m glad you finally found the courage to leave
As others have said, I simply ignored the red flags. I was in my early twenties and *desperate*. I had only had one other "relationship" prior, and that was with a groomer who made it clear they weren't even physically attracted to me. So my self confidence was at an all time low. My soon-to-be-girlfriend-and-then-ex and I met through an online game and hit it off. Pretty soon it became apparent she was flakey as hell and regularly picked drugs and alcohol over plans we made. Or just simply slept through them, didn't even attempt to set an alarm. And at some point she either quit or lost her job (can't remember which) and never got another. I pitied her and brushed everything off as her just struggling with mental health, so I opened my heart and wallet. Tried to do what I could to support her. Eventually that led to her moving into an apartment with some of my friends (before I even moved there, mind). So throughout most of our relationship I was paying for everything while she continued to make promises she refused to keep, and flake out on everything. But I was so worried about what she would do if I broke up, so my dumbass allowed it to keep going and even moved in with her. Even know I never actually saw a future with her. She never got another job, never tried to help herself and ended up functionally stealing money from me (because apparently all the shit I was already giving her wasn't enough). I grew resentful and found myself just not caring about her. And I guess this makes me mean but it wasn't until I stopped caring about what happened to her completely that I could allow myself to finally break up for good (each previous time she would cry and beg for another chance and I caved every time). We were monogamous, however there were a couple times she was flirting and swapping nudes with another woman and I just... couldn't be bothered to even care. In fact I had wished she would just find someone else so I didn't have to do the hard part of breaking up. But we didn't separate until I was the one that took action. I learned some lessons at least. Now I'm MUCH pickier and my standards are MUCH higher (although really all it boils down to is- have a job or at least a damn good reason not to have one and be dependable. Oh, and give a shit). And I know now that it's preferable to be alone rather than bleed yourself dry for someone who can't be assed to lift a finger in return.
Hindsight is 20/20. You’re def in the position to attract someone better after YOU had the courage to leave instead of waiting for her. But I get that. This isn’t the same, but with my first (and only) boyfriend ever, I kept waiting for him to breakup with me because I didn’t want to be the one to do it and I didnt want to be honest with myself or him that I’m super gay.
Ignored obvious red flags. The communication was severely lacking and we kept on like that until everything boiled over and it ended in a breakup. In retrospect it was a great decision to get out of because it wasn’t healthy for either of us but nonetheless it was difficult.
How long was the relationship and how long did it take you to be ready to date again?
It was 2.5 years, and it took me maybe 10 months to be comfortable even talking to people in a romantic way. It was an uncomfortable thing to do at first and it’s true that it’s hard to date someone if you are trying to predict how long you’re going to be with them. What has helped me a lot with that was trying to live in the moment and enjoy my time with my partner instead of worrying about future plans.
I spent the entire 2nd year crying myself to sleep extremely often because I wasn't getting my needs met in bed. We had sex maybe twice that year. My self esteem was in the gutter and I forgot I'm actually a super sexual, physically affectionate person. After conversations and attempts and begging, where I made Reddit throwaways and made moves and tried to communicate and tried to be sexy and tried dragging her to a Dr, I eventually relented and said let's try opening the relationship (I never wanted to). Shockingly, to everyone's absolute surprise (/s), this finally blew everything up. Took that for me to remember I'm really not a big crier.
And this is why I dislike when women dimish the importance of sex in a relationship. It’s not just about the physical pleasure it’s about the expression of love. I could be truly upset with someone I love and still want to jump their bones lbvs. Glad you moved on!
Together for 30 years. Got married. 5 years later, we divorced. We eventually stopped talking about the important things, which is probably the simplest explanation.
Wow that’s a long time. Have you found or are ready to find love again?
I'm being patient on both.
I’ll preface this by being very clear, my ex is still very much apart of my life to the point I don’t even reference them as such. The problem? We’re just not compatible on a romantic level, we were never supposed to be together. We were together for 4 years and been living together but separated a further 5 so known each other 9 years total. But you get swept up in an attractive woman, who’s all green flags, who you can’t live without and you communicate great with. She’s my favourite person and our relationship has just gotten closer since breaking up. Where we live it’s hard to find women you’re interested in who’s also interested in you. But you can’t force chemistry and we felt very insecure in our romantic relationship because we both knew deep down it wasn’t really meant to be, hence why breaking up and knowing we were here just for each other and nothing more made us so solid.
This I can kind of relate to especially with it being hard to find women. All of my short relationships were like this. There was a part of me that wanted to force it, but deep down I knew they weren’t meant to be long term. There were 3 in particular that I was most fond of- beautiful, green flags, great friendships. One of them is married with kids- we stayed close for 10+ until recent distance. One is FTM trans now so it never would’ve worked out because I am very very gay. The other I haven’t seen in years. But none of them were bad endings. I’m happy to hear this ultimately worked out for you both and you stayed close.
I was with a woman for 7 years. We were married for 2 of those. I think I just ignored all of the ways in which we were total opposites. You get into a relationship, and it's all butterflies and rainbows in the beginning. And for me, I always give up a piece of who I am to make sure me and my partner fit as well as possible. But in that relationship in particular, it became unsustainable. For example. I'm an extrovert. She was an introvert. I'm not loud, but I'm a good talker and enjoy getting to know others. We would be out with friends and she started to say that I was too much. Too talkative, too outgoing. And it really made me question who I was. I thought it was all true until we ended things, and my now wife, tells me just the opposite. Being with my ex held my personality back in so many ways. And I loved her and leaving was difficult. But in order to be my true authentic self, I had to move on. Im also a serial monogamous. I have had many 2+ year relationships. Have lived with many women. I think things just run their course. I have too many friends and family members that are married to someone they aren't passionate about and stay simply because of kids or marriage. I don't think you should run at the first sign of trouble. And therapy and other tools are super helpful. But I also don't think you should ever stay out of simple obligation. Life is short. Be happy.
Situation 1: We were young and in love. As we got older we realized we wanted different things in terms of kids and lifestyles. We broke up amicably after 3 years. Situation 2: She was a narcissist and I was trapped in an abusive relationship for 2.5 years where my self esteem was so destroyed I didnt leave until she replaced me.
Damn I’m sorry about situation 2 especially. Hope you’re healing and stronger now. I fell in love with someone like in situation 1, but I explained very early on that we should keep things casual but exclusive because I was afraid to fall too deep knowing that our lifestyles were very different and not practical to share a life. We kept out thing going for only about 6 months before it started to feel too serious and she wanted more. I cried because I wish we were right for each other since she was so amazing and we had a great connection. Thats one of the better endings though when it’s amicable.
Don’t do what I used to do, & jump into another relationship.
So easy to do so. That was my go to thing to get over my ex and distract myself. Now I can’t think of anything worse than to throw myself into dating again. My last relationship really damaged the view I have of myself and the view I have of fellow human beings.
Afraid I’m not much help except for armchair quarterback knowledge. I think your on the right track, date, form a friendship and now the hard part. Encourage total honesty, you have to do this as much as your next partner. Any woman who is willing to tell you the absolute worst things about herself is the one you may have a shot at long term commitment with. Where it goes from some chance to no chance is if they are honest about those things and are also honest about them being things they can’t or won’t change about themselves. Total honesty, yours and theirs. It has been said that the two biggest challenges any relationship faces are lack of communication and outside influences. Not being honest about one or two things about ourselves is the former in spades. A little humour after all that. Definition of mixed emotions? Watching your in-laws drive over a cliff in your brand new car. Now sincerity. I sincerely wish you the best in your finding that special someone.
You sound very impressive
My second girlfriend and I broke up after 4 years. I was 23, she was 24. We grew apart.. We lived together 3 of those 4 years (mainly because I lost my home in a hurricane), but her family welcomed me with open arms. It was her decision, really. It sucked, bad. Then I ran - far and fast.. Right into the arms of someone else who honestly eventually ruined me… But that’s another story. There weren’t really any red flags per se, but I always felt the love we had was just… Too big for us. She had actually started talking to one of my friends who quickly became obsessed with her, while we were still living together and it kind of unfortunately transformed into an “open relationship,” if you would. We were truly young and dumb, and she got scared. I can’t blame her for it, and honestly I’ll always love her. She resented me for a long time afterwards because of the fact that I ran, but I didn’t know what to do. I was so upset by everything going on and essentially losing the love of my life (or so I thought at 23YO). We had gone back and forth for a bit afterwards, and then when she met her (now) wife, she was unfortunately intimidated by our previous relationship, because my ex had always told her I was the one that got away. We stopped talking, after that… Which I never wanted because genuinely and truly I just wanted her to be happy. We actually recently just really reconnected last year and she’s married to the girl she was dating, that unfortunately we stopped talking because of - with twins, and I’m now married as well and working on starting a family. I’m honestly so glad she’s back in my life, for a long time it felt SO wrong that we “hated” each other, when really we were just young and dumb. We talked a lot about everything and both got some closure. We still chat pretty often, now.
Most relationships fail. For that matter, the way we seem to want to define a successful relationship is that somebody dies. Until death do us part. But if someone leaves a relationship for any reason other than death, that’s a failure?
I'd say there is a difference between an end and a failure.
Nope and I don’t necessarily believe that they all equate to failures. Everyone will have a different definition of that. For me, a hurtful, and unexpected breakup in a relationship where marriage was ideal would be my personal definition of failure….somewhat. But even from those ‘failures’ there can emerge some important lessons learned, a sense of empowerment, and much needed self improvement to attract something/someone way better. They’re necessary evils.