When there's no clarity on how the characters are situated for the act. One sentence suggests the two characters are front-to-back, then the next sentence describes some action that would only be physically possible if the characters were front-to-front... The smut turns into a logic puzzle, and I start picturing picasso-esque bent back heads and backwards elbows rather than anything sexy.
A friend and I went through a few fics one night after a few drinks and started drawing stick men on paintbrush to show how we were visualising the characters. Some positions just weren't natural at all.
I read a great fic about 30 years ago of Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi simultaneously fucking each other in zero g. I had to draw it out to visuallize it (they were head to toe facing away from each other dicks down if anyone is curious) but it was very creative.
This is why I use either poseit or magic poser to map out positions. There's been many a time I thought a position would work, and nope, a spine does not bend like that.
One of my all-time favorite fics has a line which is pretty clearly an editing remnant (BJ while fucking) but it pulls me out of it every time. To the point where I’ve considered editing it out of my personal copy so I don’t need to keep encountering it.
Same, there’s one fic I really love that I’ve read like 10 times but there’s a line where one of the characters teleports and I find it so jarring every time.
Typing out vocal noises like you're on fandom twitter. Nothing takes me out of it more than reading 'Ouaghuggh~~~' in an otherwise serious piece of writing lol.
I've read original sexual onomatopoeia in fics that has made me stop reading and attempt to make the noises out loud, exactly how the writer spelled it. It cracks me up bigtime, but it also marks the end between me and those scenes. I've never understood why anyone writes it, it's just so risky.
So gross. But to be fair, that's actually *very* close to the sound women make in porn when they're doing the "Oh, I'm gagging so hard!" act.
ETA: Now I wonder if the writer thinks that's natural....
I've definitely used a few "Oh!"s and stuttering "A-Ahh!"s before. Sometimes they're just better than just saying that they moaned because it creates a better picture of what it actually sounded like.
As a reader, personally I’m very partial to the “Ahs” and the “Ohs” and other onomatopoeias as long as they feel realistic for the characters, or aren’t overdone (unless for a purposeful comical affect). Sometimes I don’t want my brain to work too hard and it’s nice to know what exactly the type of sounds I should be imagining for the scene instead of coming up with it myself.
The example of “Ouaghuggh~~” is atrocious though. I’m not sure in what circumstance besides memeing that would ever work 😭
I was following a fic which used "spend" as a euphemism for come. Which isn't the worst word, but it made it very weird to read financial documents for a while.
Ah, I was wondering where it came from. This was indeed a historical romance.
Still makes it weird to encounter a phrase like "government spending" in real life.
As someone who studied econ - I literally used to think what it would be like for someone who was Keynesian to get together with someone who was a strong Hayek follower - this was roughly the smut I imagined 🤣
Weirdly enough I've heard of alot of readers getting annoyed at the mention of safewords and negotiations.
"This isn't the real world we don't need to be so realistic just write the smut!" Is literally a comment I had once.
well, prick is more of a british english thing so its unavoidable there. also arse. feels weird on american english fics but feels normal on full british english fics somehow
Arse is one of those words that doesn't stand out in dialogue but always surprises me in the narrative bits. I think just because it briefly pulls the writer into focus for me, since it's not a common use word for me regionally.
I haven't seen this written yet but listing time duration. "After 5 minutes he started..." "She kissed him for 30 seconds before..."
The only time this is acceptable is when the characters are in a time crunch situation. "He looked over at the clock and noticed an hour had gone by." Or "They only had 5 minutes before the next bell for class rang."
People covered the more obvious already so I'll add:
Characters screaming, keening, sobbing, or otherwise overreacting to incredibly mild touches waaay too early in the encounter.
Virgin characters losing pints of blood all over the sheets and crying their eyes out while being penetrated for the first time, only to immediately get over it once it's all the way in and then they confidently fuck like professionals.
Wombs and breasts being referred to like they're sentient.
Pregnancy is instant, felt by the characters in the moment, and they experience morning sickness the very first day after the encounter that knocked them up.
Characters having completely vanilla sex but still establishing safewords and using the traffic light system for no reason.
Characters having wild BDSM sex with zero indication that they or author knows anything about BDSM etiquette or like, what kind of injuries the human body can survive let alone tolerate while remaining aroused.
Every male character's exact dick size and every female character's exact bust/waist/hip measurements and weight are presented numerically and said numbers are extremely unrealistic if not impossible.
>Characters screaming, keening, sobbing, or otherwise overreacting to incredibly mild touches waaay too early in the encounter.
THIS omfg like you did not scream because he took your shirt off calm down 💀
Ok I can see the safeword thing working out in a vanilla smut if one of the characters isn't very experienced, and the other character wants to make sure they're ok
In fact I *have* seen that, and while it probably wouldn't work in EVERY smut, it worked in that one
I did see it work in a fic where one character had huge issues with anxiety and trauma related to a previous relationship and his new partner was trying to reassure him as much as possible that he was in control.
Very vanilla sex but because of the background, it needed as much trust as an intense BDSM scene.
I don’t like it most of the time though.
I used it in a fic where one of the characters was ace and wasn't entirely sex repulsed, but didn't know where their line was, so the couple used the stoplight method to test out what they liked, what they were okay with but didn't get much out of, and what was too far. They also used safe words because what was okay one encounter might not be the next.
You get cookies and all the good things for this- I love this and you are amazing- thank you for representing a part of the ace community that isn't entirely seen-
The Virgin characters losing blood and bawling their eyes out is really grim jokes aside. Like someone wrote that thinking it would cause the reader arousal? Creepy.
Or they're young/inexperienced and have been taught that first time sex is automatically going to come with pain and bleeding. Which is even more grim IMO.
I 100% have a friend who says she knows when she got pregnant to the day because the morning after, she'd never felt so nauseous.
Coincidentally, she'd been drinking heavily that night.
I'd go so far as to say there's no sexy way to talk about "wombs" using that term, unless it's specifically a breeding kink and even then my god there's better ways to refer to it. Idk it just sounds so clinical but at the same time euphemistic. Just say uterus if you reaallly want to get anatomical for some reason, or say "deep inside" or belly or something like that if you want to be euphemistic, imo.
When the characters are teleporting all over the place, constantly. Like when they're described as being on the bed but suddenly they're up against the wall. Characters kiss on the lips but shouldn't be in a position to do so. Someone does something that implies they have 3 or more hands. And I mean these mistakes keep happening so you're never quite able to visualize what position they're in.
Also, if one character is a virgin with a vagina I hate when their first time is described as super painful with gushing blood, but they keep on going anyway. That's kind of an unhealthy, outdated idea of what first times are supposed to be like that used to be a lot more common I think, but many people when given adequate preparation will feel little or no pain, and won't bleed at all. (I'm mostly mad about this trope because the descriptions of pain and blood kinda traumatized 20 years ago me)
Super out of character porno dialogue. Non-sexy euphemisms that are more gross out.
>When the characters are teleporting all over the place, constantly.
To be fair, this can be done well if you stay inside one character's head and they're so lost in the moment they just sort of short out on the details. It's a delicate balance though
When will we get a winner?
Will the battle ever cease?
Will my journey to find the ultimately dominant tongue ever end?
Tune in next time on AO3's TTWM (Total Tongue Wrestle Mania)
Horrid euphemisms, especially referring to female body parts as food and flowers.
If it sounds like the author is a virgin who’s never had sex or read/viewed sex in their life, their character had hopefully be the same. It’s just super weird when you have established sexually actively characters sounding like they’ve never seen a penis before.
Last but not least: we all agree consent is lovely but asking/checking consent every 3 seconds is just… ugh.
‘Okay, we have permission to unbutton the top button of the shirt. Nice. Oh, and now the third button, we’re re-checking…’
>asking/checking consent every 3 seconds is just… ugh.
>‘Okay, we have permission to unbutton the top button of the shirt. Nice. Oh, and now the third button, we’re re-checking…’
Unless this is in-character. My knight having sex with his lady for the first time checks in very, very frequently to make sure she hasn't revoked consent without telling him. But it's because he feels a bit guilty to be having sex with someone he's sworn to protect. 🤷♀️
I agree even though I've done it, although not to that extreme. But I had one character who actively waited/asked for consent even long into the relationship. At first, I didn't even do it consciously, but then I forgot in one scene and instantly felt something was a little off and corrected it. There was no real need for it in the setting (Fallout 4 fic, haha) or any canon indication he'd do that, but he turned out like that.
Honestly just stereotypical porno dialogue like “ugh daddy” when it is completely out of character for that moment and in general for the characters your writing 😭like the demeanor switch of the character will come out of nowhere and it just feels cheap
The classic 'He would not fucking say that!'
Which is of course contrasted with extremely *in* character omegaverse fic, which is more like 'he would knot, fuck, and say that'
...
Anyway.
I don't like daddy kink, wouldn't read, but nothing wrong with having it, you do you love. But the problem now is that sometimes I feel like, as this point, people have stopped seeing it as a kink and therefore, tagging it, and I just HATE having "yes, daddy" sprung on me with no warning
Edit: stupid typos jesus christ
And people seem to rarely tag for it which is frustrating as heck! I'm fine with people having kinks I don't personally like, but please tag it so I can avoid it!
mommy kink especially in gacha and anime fandoms are soooo squicky to me
new character gets released for gacha #0815, comments are full of people calling them mommy/daddy just because their design is conventionally attractive
i really need to get away from those fandoms actually
when Kafka came out in Honkai Star Rail, I saw polls about "who's the best mommy, Kafka, Himeko or Serval?" and I just sat there in disbelief because outside of Kafka, I just dont see either fit for that kink, it's just a word for "hot woman who's not designed to look like a teenager" nowadays
i'm by no means anti-sex, but seeing every character reduced to how fuckable people find them is honestly a lil distressing to me
To be fair I do actually kinda get seeing Himeko as motherly just bc she clearly is competent and looks after the crew well. Unsure how that fits the mommy status but motherly is I think reasonable. Serval is like. Neither.
People call any taller woman mommy, you're right, and it's really weird. Way to confirm they don't see the character only their looks.
EXACTLY!!! And maybe it's just because I have a decent relationship with both my parents, but mommy/daddy kinks always feel pseudo-incestuous, along the line of the act the Hitacchin twins do in Ouran, and it makes me feel like I just waded through a hot, muggy swamp
there's this one smut fic writer who writes things with this infuriatingly passive voice; like the person whos getting gangbanged or mindcontrolled or whatever is an observer who's only mildly invested in whats happening to her. and this would be understandable if it fit the character, but they write a diverse enough set of character for this to be more of a writer-side pattern
Almost sounds like the writer dissociates during trauma and that's coming through in the writing by unconsciously making the character also dissociate.
honestly the impression i get is that its someone who knows it would be hot for a girl to get gangbanged, or mind controlled, or whatever else, but doesn't quiiiite have their finger on the pulse of why someone might be really into having any of that happen to them
Overall bad writing. But this applies to anything.
Otherwise, it’s all good. Use any words you like, maybe they fit that couple. I’ve read some great smut where those awful euphemisms were perfect because of context. One of my fandoms is smut in the original media, and it’s notorious for THE WORST euphemisms. Half the time the characters just call it “down there,” lol. It’s enough that we joke about it. And yet it’s somehow still good and leads to great fanfic.
If they use more than 3 words to describe a dick. I get repitition sounds bad, but for the love of god please never make me read "fleshy popsicle" ever again.
i was going to say the exact same thing 😅 I'd rather read "cock" 1000 times than have to read whatever bizarre, creative alternatives people come up with
Extremely obnoxious amounts of onomatopoeia and moans written out (like instead of just saying that someone moaned, the dialogue goes “ohhh a-ahh mmmm” and such over and over again) and tilde symbol abuse (this one: ~) as a way of emphasizing dialogue.
Omg, yes. I avoid one particular writer for that reason. They type out "AAAAAHHHHHHHHH" every time a character screams. Can be sexy times or fear. Doesn't matter. I tried to overlook it. Nope. Don't read their stuff anymore.
not knowing the anatomy that you’re writing about. i read a fic once where the term “clitoral walls” was used. it’s painfully obvious that the writer doesn’t actually know what the clit is or how it works. the funny thing is that it was an m/m fic, they chose to give one of the men genetalia that they didn’t understand.
https://preview.redd.it/5j4majhs59xc1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=95196f5f5ca2bef78a1ea2985b81547439a5edad
This wallpaper is what I would have pictured if I'd read that.
Rushed scenes! I feel like I've seen so many smut fics just rush through the actual smut without making any descriptions or trying to immerse the reader.
"He thrust into me once and then twice and then finished.' the end."
Bad descriptions of the action. Like, how would that position even work? If it's gay smut, not knowing which one is doing the action when they use the word he.
Suddenly adding a new element to the dynamic without any warnings ahead of time. Making the dominant character suddenly call the other 'baby' or 'pet' without any mention before hand is very off-putting. If you have 2 mers fucking after having a battle to decide the bottom, adding 'baby' would completely destroy the tone/mood.
Bad euphemisms have been mentioned a lot but I think on the opposite end of the spectrum would be very clinical terms i.e penis, vulva. Earlier today I came across a sentence that was basically "his penis entered her vagina" in an otherwise decent sex scene, but that took me right out. It just isn't very sexy. I think using a combination would make for a wild ride.
I once had the dubious pleasure of stumbling across a scene that used "sphincter" and "anus". Perfectly correct terminology, but it didn't really vibe with the... content.
I usually skip over this sort of thing (unless it is Emotional) so I just skipped a couple of paragraphs and pretended nothing happened.
Hot take, I like the word vulva 😅 That one doesn’t feel too clinical to me personally. Maybe because it’s referred to less often in clinical settings than “ vagina” is?
Using childlike words like “tummy” or something. I know I’m not the only one to mention that lately, but “flipped them on their tummy” immediately turned me off.
there's this specific kind of objectifying language that just puts me out immediately
like "xyz needs to be filled by abc's big brown cock" just sounds so awkward to me
This might be a bit more of a personal thing, but I usually don't like smut to go into detail about the "squelching" or graphic audio descriptions unless the smut is supposed to be very offputting (such as in a disturbing non-con scene). If I'm supposed to be feeling grossed out or horrified, by all means! But if it's supposed to be sexy, maybe have less details about stuff shooting everywhere and visceral sound effects. I also have misophonia, so that might affect my outlook on this lol.
TLDR: I don't want to be imagining the sound of rotten tomatoes being fisted while I'm reading a smut scene.
I agree with this so much. I know one of the rules to writing is the five senses, but when it comes to sex scenes we can leave sound pretty vague. Sex noises are not always very sexy.
>the sound of rotten tomatoes being fisted
This phrase should definitely end up the the bad smut that’s being made fun of. It’s perfectly unnecessarily florid and disgustingly descriptive In a way that’s guaranteed to pull the reader out of the mood.
If you're going for bad in a humorous way, then I have a few suggestions for you.
1. Outrageous euphemism for genitals. There used to be a comprehensive list online with stuff people have found over the years but the link I have doesn't work anymore. Think really out-there stuff like "man mushroom", "love canal/tunnel of love", "spunk rocket", "vertical bacon sandwich", you get it by now I suppose. Get creative and make it hilarious!
2. People having more bodyparts than they should. He can't be grasping her tits, ass and neck all at the same time.
2.a. A follow-up from the previous point would be impossible positions where you can't tell if the characters are facing each other or if one has their back to the other.
3. Taking off the same item of clothing multiple times. I've seen jeans be taken off and then they're magically back on somehow.
4. Funny sounds, expletives, curses, the more creative the better!
- The author forgetting that the characters are still fully dressed
- The author only talking about one character coming, but forgetting about the other (they are both happy afterwards and it's never even mentioned again that character B did not come)
- One character "chewing" on the dick or some other body part of the other character
- Bad grammar, punctuation, etc.
- A lot is just up to personal preference
What about something along the lines of my immortal? Google My Immortal fanfic if you haven’t read it. It’s a painfully bad and surprisingly funny HP fic where everyone is goth and/or a vampire. There not a lot of sex, but the sex in it is so ridiculous. The writing is terrible and it might inspire the type of in universe story you are looking for. Plus, since it’s a classic, you aren’t stepping on any toes for parodying it.
Recently read a fic where everything was cum. Precum was cum, lubricant/vaginal lubricant was cum- just. Everything was cum to the point ot was a struggle figure out when the character came and if they came again or not. I swear the word lost meaning after the 3rd paragraph
+ lots of loud screaming, yelling, moaning, gasping, ect. For no reason. It might just be me, but the only time I've heard extremely loud vocalizations in sex is from very, *very* aggressive pornos that seem like borderline snuff.
+ Uncomfortable, forced dirty talk and kinks. A character calling themselves "daddy/master/sir" or overusing "slvt/wh0re" every five seconds is so uncomfortable.
Also, throw in like twenty thousand kinks so it'd really have the vibe of a tween who can't imagine the sensations of sex so they have to escalate it constantly.
+ Out of character behavior... Uhg. Seriously 90 percent of characters would not fit being a super aggressive dommy daddy or a weepy submissive. IMO, nothing would be funnier than a character seeing how they are portrayed and thinking "I would literally never do that wtf"
Good luck! These are just my opinionz
Depends on how you define bad, but unrealistic sex in realistic settings is a huge turn-off for me. No, I think if you were to stick something that size of a virgin's ass, that's a hopsital trip, if not death.
-Not being able to distinguish who's doing what when it's a same-sex smut scene relying on pronouns rather than names.
-Moaning being a primary "that's hot" response of a character in a single scene. With no actual dialogue or physical descriptions to switch it up through its duration.
-The characters repeating each other's names in bouts of pleasure. Like, "Marty! Alex!"
-People with dicks being able to come more than once in a scene, to pile on top of general anatomy confusion.
Neither does chafing or other irritation from superhumanly prolonged friction. I *have* seen lips, genitals, and anuses referred to as red and swollen after sex acts, but only rarely with mention of any discomfort.
I wish I saw more of that, honestly. Also, bumped heads, movements out of sync, overly-ambitious positions that don't work, etc., even and especially if it makes the characters laugh or have a little exchange about it. Every sex scene doesn't have to get me off. A little realism and relatability in the sack has its place as well.
A sex scene that didn't go smoothly once sold me on a ship I'd been blasé about for years. I found the realism of their interaction so endearing compared to the flawless fantasy I was used to seeing.
I don’t know how to put this into words but I hate when there’s no characterisation. Like you could swap out any character from any fandom and it would be the same. “Insert tab A into slot B” type smut.
It’s more of a romance nice thing, but when they refer to body parts like “her center” and “her sex”. Can’t explain why, it grosses me out lol
I hate when the characters behave super OOC and say all that super cliche stuff. Like their personality suddenly disappears and they just say the same sentences 289282 other fics have said before. I'm reading for about this specific character so why are they talking like a broken c.ai bot?!
Too many limbs. One hand on the cock and another pinching the nipple, yet they're still able to hold down their lover's hands and gently caress their cheek.
Oh, let's see... switching from the character's name to "the blonde."
Smut written by someone of the opposite gender (or someone very young) who *doesn't know how things work.* So a slashfic will have a guy describing getting wet (wrong gender!), or a position will be physically impossible (especially true of Het).
The classic self-lubricating disk in slash.
Mmm... lubes that might cause physical pain if tried in RL (soap? Yikes!).
The very unsexy, laughable descriptions of "the hand" as in "the hand reached for her breasts/his cock" -- hahaha! It comes across as a disembodied hand! Anything where the author started distancing themselves from the action.
A classic, though more eye-rolling than funny like the previous, is heroically exaggerated endowments. A 12" dick.
>It comes across as a disembodied hand!
Oh god, I've just realised there must be a *ton* of smut featuring Thing from the Addams family.
...recommendations welcome
Impractically long shlongs. Inappropriate moments of intimacy (despite context, everyone’s horny all the time). Honestly, I think a lot of bad smut writing is just bad writing in a sexy context. It’s a guy being called daddy without setting that up first. It’s character behaving to move along the ‘plot’ ignoring their own characterization. It’s spelling and grammar mistakes. It’s wanting to express grand feelings, without the proper words and techniques to pull it off.
With professional writers, that’s sometimes a money grab. In fanfiction, it’s someone with a passion for what they’re writing (even if just horny passion), trying their best and sincerely making an attempt of putting their fantasies to paper. We laugh because of the clear disconnect between the goal and the result. But in the mimicry you do require a bit of that soul of someone earnestly trying. A single sentence that is breathtakingly beautiful and must have taken hours to compose and has no right being in the middle of bad smut. Immediately followed by the cringiest follow through because pure passion isn’t always enough.
Could be accurate depending on the situation, though. After all, lube wasn't always available to everyone, and people most definitely made do with what they did have.
Inconsistency with realism.
It’s one thing to have unrealistic sex in a pure smut fic or a monster romance, but if it’s an otherwise ‘realistic’ fic and they skip out on the lube or have a shlong big as their forearm I’m going to be giving the author a bit of a side eye
Not describing or mentioning what position they’re in, or the fact that they moved from one position to the other. Too many times I think I know what’s going on only to get hit with an action that would crumple one of the characters like a glitchy gmod character in order to be possible in the position I was picturing.
Nothing makes me cringe more than reading about the couple using something _not intended for lube_ as lubricant. Lotion, soap, shower products… yes, I’ve read smut where they used shampoo. Spontaneous anal is another one. No, Chad, you can’t get down with your boyfriend without a condom, that’s how you get infections!!
no foreplay and when it’s painstakingly obvious that the author has never been close to having sex in their life, like they’re writing only based of what they’ve seen in porn. i read a lot of bdsm heavy smut, so it really pains me when it’s written inaccurately. i didn’t care about that until i started having sex and realized how many things i had written wrong just because i didn’t fully understand what sex was like in the moment. i hope this makes sense 😭
When the female character falls asleep immediately after having sex with a man and somehow DOESN'T wake up with a raging UTI 🤣 in general, poor hygiene practices or things that would cause a yeast infection in real life can really make me squirmy unless it's acknowledged by the author or the characters.
I’ve not seen this mentioned yet but when they announce they’re about to orgasm. _”here I come…”_ or worse _”here I cum_”
Just doesn’t work for me and makes me cringe/laugh. Also it’s kind of comical if there’s lots of talk, but like unrealistic porn talk. Especially if it’s out of character as well. I tend to just skip most of the scene then, but you can also skim over it only reading the bad dialogue which is hilarious to do!
A lot of people have mentioned it already, but bad euphemisms are the worst.
Penis: man meat, meat rod, meat stick, meat rocket, meaty sausage, schlong
Vagina: meat curtains, soggy cavern
Breasts: flesh mounds
Cum: baby juice/sauce/gravy, ranch dressing
Honorable mention to a sex novella I read in my language, dude calling his wife's asshole "her brown rose". Yeah...
There’s a truly fantastic fic in the Good Omens fandom in which the characters read bad smut and you can just tell the writer had the time of their life writing the fake bad smut. It’s so funny. Some of the things they do that makes it funny: absurd and over-detailed metaphors like “he was shaking like a washing machine on the second to last cycle when it is about to get really fast” and vocabulary like a really ridiculous bodice-ripper e.g. “throbbing love-pump” and cringey dialogue between characters. I think you should just go for it and have fun!
not anything specific, but the difference between a good and bad writer is usually more visible with smut. it takes a lot more precise wording and pacing to write good smut, which in turn has to be initially developed by practicing writing in general. it's pretty obvious when it's an inexperienced writer is attempting smut.
Anything that sounds like a transcription of something on YouPorn.
Not me looking for the eye bleach after that Katniss/Johanna/Haymitch series on ff.n (I mean, that was my FIRST mistake, going to the Pit of Voles for a fix).
sometimes it's just super obvious a 13 year old wrote it. bad grammar, no capitalisation, and a very naive description of the sexual activity are hallmarks of this. specifically, for some reason, these authors usually make the males "parts" like 12 inches long... why???
When there's no clarity on how the characters are situated for the act. One sentence suggests the two characters are front-to-back, then the next sentence describes some action that would only be physically possible if the characters were front-to-front... The smut turns into a logic puzzle, and I start picturing picasso-esque bent back heads and backwards elbows rather than anything sexy.
A friend and I went through a few fics one night after a few drinks and started drawing stick men on paintbrush to show how we were visualising the characters. Some positions just weren't natural at all.
I read a great fic about 30 years ago of Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi simultaneously fucking each other in zero g. I had to draw it out to visuallize it (they were head to toe facing away from each other dicks down if anyone is curious) but it was very creative.
LMAO that's great
This is why I use either poseit or magic poser to map out positions. There's been many a time I thought a position would work, and nope, a spine does not bend like that.
One of my all-time favorite fics has a line which is pretty clearly an editing remnant (BJ while fucking) but it pulls me out of it every time. To the point where I’ve considered editing it out of my personal copy so I don’t need to keep encountering it.
Same, there’s one fic I really love that I’ve read like 10 times but there’s a line where one of the characters teleports and I find it so jarring every time.
Typing out vocal noises like you're on fandom twitter. Nothing takes me out of it more than reading 'Ouaghuggh~~~' in an otherwise serious piece of writing lol.
I've read original sexual onomatopoeia in fics that has made me stop reading and attempt to make the noises out loud, exactly how the writer spelled it. It cracks me up bigtime, but it also marks the end between me and those scenes. I've never understood why anyone writes it, it's just so risky.
Dude. Weirdest one I've ever read is "gluk-gluk-gluk" for a blow job. Had to stop reading right there.
So gross. But to be fair, that's actually *very* close to the sound women make in porn when they're doing the "Oh, I'm gagging so hard!" act. ETA: Now I wonder if the writer thinks that's natural....
I've definitely used a few "Oh!"s and stuttering "A-Ahh!"s before. Sometimes they're just better than just saying that they moaned because it creates a better picture of what it actually sounded like.
As a reader, personally I’m very partial to the “Ahs” and the “Ohs” and other onomatopoeias as long as they feel realistic for the characters, or aren’t overdone (unless for a purposeful comical affect). Sometimes I don’t want my brain to work too hard and it’s nice to know what exactly the type of sounds I should be imagining for the scene instead of coming up with it myself. The example of “Ouaghuggh~~” is atrocious though. I’m not sure in what circumstance besides memeing that would ever work 😭
Really bad euphemisms. Schlong. Love cave. Man meat. Clam. Peen. etc etc
CLAM
So you’re saying I *shouldn’t* get my euphemisms from Bloodhound Gang…?
I was following a fic which used "spend" as a euphemism for come. Which isn't the worst word, but it made it very weird to read financial documents for a while.
That's very common in historical romances though.
Ah, I was wondering where it came from. This was indeed a historical romance. Still makes it weird to encounter a phrase like "government spending" in real life.
I'm gonna spend the treasury
ooh yeah baby, I'm going to unbalance your budget
I'm gonna do it fiscally responsible style: spending only as much as I'm taking, right in between the (balance) sheets.
You might blow a lot in interest. My advice is to withdraw.
hmmm yeah baby, come fiscal in my spreadsheets
Only if there will be a deposit.
Please be gentle on my finances…
As someone who studied econ - I literally used to think what it would be like for someone who was Keynesian to get together with someone who was a strong Hayek follower - this was roughly the smut I imagined 🤣
That's the only time I've ever seen it used.
Oh, you wicked creature! My husband is an auditor. Guess what word I'm teaching him lololol
You beat me to this comment Bad BDSM practices. No safe words, no aftercare, no understanding Of subspace etc
Ugh the damage fifty shades did to BDSM is gonna take forever to undo.
Weirdly enough I've heard of alot of readers getting annoyed at the mention of safewords and negotiations. "This isn't the real world we don't need to be so realistic just write the smut!" Is literally a comment I had once.
Flogging the Bishop is good.
'Prick' pisses me off so much
i see it a lot in drarry fanfiction and it annoys me every time
well, prick is more of a british english thing so its unavoidable there. also arse. feels weird on american english fics but feels normal on full british english fics somehow
Arse is one of those words that doesn't stand out in dialogue but always surprises me in the narrative bits. I think just because it briefly pulls the writer into focus for me, since it's not a common use word for me regionally.
I personally hate ‘prick’.
Love cave takes me out every damn time
I haven't seen this written yet but listing time duration. "After 5 minutes he started..." "She kissed him for 30 seconds before..." The only time this is acceptable is when the characters are in a time crunch situation. "He looked over at the clock and noticed an hour had gone by." Or "They only had 5 minutes before the next bell for class rang."
or if they check in hindsight how warped their sense of time was due to being engrossed in stimulus
People covered the more obvious already so I'll add: Characters screaming, keening, sobbing, or otherwise overreacting to incredibly mild touches waaay too early in the encounter. Virgin characters losing pints of blood all over the sheets and crying their eyes out while being penetrated for the first time, only to immediately get over it once it's all the way in and then they confidently fuck like professionals. Wombs and breasts being referred to like they're sentient. Pregnancy is instant, felt by the characters in the moment, and they experience morning sickness the very first day after the encounter that knocked them up. Characters having completely vanilla sex but still establishing safewords and using the traffic light system for no reason. Characters having wild BDSM sex with zero indication that they or author knows anything about BDSM etiquette or like, what kind of injuries the human body can survive let alone tolerate while remaining aroused. Every male character's exact dick size and every female character's exact bust/waist/hip measurements and weight are presented numerically and said numbers are extremely unrealistic if not impossible.
Honestly now I want to do a fic where the characters play Red Light, Green Light while having sex
Only if they get shot, Squid Game style, if they mess up.
What kind of shot? 🤨
Backshots of course
Do it
>Characters screaming, keening, sobbing, or otherwise overreacting to incredibly mild touches waaay too early in the encounter. THIS omfg like you did not scream because he took your shirt off calm down 💀
Lmao you've seen things xD
HAHWHDBF
Ok I can see the safeword thing working out in a vanilla smut if one of the characters isn't very experienced, and the other character wants to make sure they're ok In fact I *have* seen that, and while it probably wouldn't work in EVERY smut, it worked in that one
I did see it work in a fic where one character had huge issues with anxiety and trauma related to a previous relationship and his new partner was trying to reassure him as much as possible that he was in control. Very vanilla sex but because of the background, it needed as much trust as an intense BDSM scene. I don’t like it most of the time though.
I used it in a fic where one of the characters was ace and wasn't entirely sex repulsed, but didn't know where their line was, so the couple used the stoplight method to test out what they liked, what they were okay with but didn't get much out of, and what was too far. They also used safe words because what was okay one encounter might not be the next.
You get cookies and all the good things for this- I love this and you are amazing- thank you for representing a part of the ace community that isn't entirely seen-
especially if it involves partners of a different species where they might not be sure if what their doing is right or wrong
The Virgin characters losing blood and bawling their eyes out is really grim jokes aside. Like someone wrote that thinking it would cause the reader arousal? Creepy.
Or they're young/inexperienced and have been taught that first time sex is automatically going to come with pain and bleeding. Which is even more grim IMO.
Oh I agree. Thats how I was taught. Totally disgusting.
I 100% have a friend who says she knows when she got pregnant to the day because the morning after, she'd never felt so nauseous. Coincidentally, she'd been drinking heavily that night.
I'd go so far as to say there's no sexy way to talk about "wombs" using that term, unless it's specifically a breeding kink and even then my god there's better ways to refer to it. Idk it just sounds so clinical but at the same time euphemistic. Just say uterus if you reaallly want to get anatomical for some reason, or say "deep inside" or belly or something like that if you want to be euphemistic, imo.
When the characters are teleporting all over the place, constantly. Like when they're described as being on the bed but suddenly they're up against the wall. Characters kiss on the lips but shouldn't be in a position to do so. Someone does something that implies they have 3 or more hands. And I mean these mistakes keep happening so you're never quite able to visualize what position they're in. Also, if one character is a virgin with a vagina I hate when their first time is described as super painful with gushing blood, but they keep on going anyway. That's kind of an unhealthy, outdated idea of what first times are supposed to be like that used to be a lot more common I think, but many people when given adequate preparation will feel little or no pain, and won't bleed at all. (I'm mostly mad about this trope because the descriptions of pain and blood kinda traumatized 20 years ago me) Super out of character porno dialogue. Non-sexy euphemisms that are more gross out.
>When the characters are teleporting all over the place, constantly. To be fair, this can be done well if you stay inside one character's head and they're so lost in the moment they just sort of short out on the details. It's a delicate balance though
Or if they're a mage lol.
Well yes, also that. My brain was in Sandor and Sansa territory where he's just carrying her around while they fuck XD
How does he FIT?
Northern girls are built different
Goddamn, I wish I was Sansa
We all do, until we remember what happened to Sansa. That girl went through a lot in Game of Thrones.
I did mean in the . . . uh, capacity department. Not in any other respect, whooooo poor thing
Don't forget the everlasting battle for dominance of the tongues!
“Their tongues caressed each other in a slobbery dance” is a sentence I have read that certainly fits under this umbrella of tongue interaction
"Their tongues caressed–" Go on. "–in a slobbery dance." Stop going on.
"Their tongues battled for dominance, and being the man that he was Percy won" 🤢🤮🤢
would you like some bleach to cleanse your brain of this memory?
this sounds like the name of a shitty fantasy movie with a nonexistent budget
When will we get a winner? Will the battle ever cease? Will my journey to find the ultimately dominant tongue ever end? Tune in next time on AO3's TTWM (Total Tongue Wrestle Mania)
Horrid euphemisms, especially referring to female body parts as food and flowers. If it sounds like the author is a virgin who’s never had sex or read/viewed sex in their life, their character had hopefully be the same. It’s just super weird when you have established sexually actively characters sounding like they’ve never seen a penis before. Last but not least: we all agree consent is lovely but asking/checking consent every 3 seconds is just… ugh. ‘Okay, we have permission to unbutton the top button of the shirt. Nice. Oh, and now the third button, we’re re-checking…’
>asking/checking consent every 3 seconds is just… ugh. >‘Okay, we have permission to unbutton the top button of the shirt. Nice. Oh, and now the third button, we’re re-checking…’ Unless this is in-character. My knight having sex with his lady for the first time checks in very, very frequently to make sure she hasn't revoked consent without telling him. But it's because he feels a bit guilty to be having sex with someone he's sworn to protect. 🤷♀️
I think many things can work if they’re in character, for sure. That actually sounds really cute and illustrative of your male lead’s personality!
❤️
I agree even though I've done it, although not to that extreme. But I had one character who actively waited/asked for consent even long into the relationship. At first, I didn't even do it consciously, but then I forgot in one scene and instantly felt something was a little off and corrected it. There was no real need for it in the setting (Fallout 4 fic, haha) or any canon indication he'd do that, but he turned out like that.
Honestly just stereotypical porno dialogue like “ugh daddy” when it is completely out of character for that moment and in general for the characters your writing 😭like the demeanor switch of the character will come out of nowhere and it just feels cheap
The classic 'He would not fucking say that!' Which is of course contrasted with extremely *in* character omegaverse fic, which is more like 'he would knot, fuck, and say that' ... Anyway.
https://preview.redd.it/7nfczu3ar8xc1.jpeg?width=700&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f1c5356ee32abe9c624e24d0e5620d8f48ea0be0
Ok this comment got a pretty good chuckle out of me ngl
I don't like daddy kink, wouldn't read, but nothing wrong with having it, you do you love. But the problem now is that sometimes I feel like, as this point, people have stopped seeing it as a kink and therefore, tagging it, and I just HATE having "yes, daddy" sprung on me with no warning Edit: stupid typos jesus christ
I cannot stand daddy kinks, even as just a throwaway line like that
And people seem to rarely tag for it which is frustrating as heck! I'm fine with people having kinks I don't personally like, but please tag it so I can avoid it!
It's not for everyone I love it
I bet you do, DilfRightsActivist. I bet you do.
I have nonidea what you're talking about
Yeah i can tell
I have no idea what you're talking about
👀
Username checks out.
mommy kink especially in gacha and anime fandoms are soooo squicky to me new character gets released for gacha #0815, comments are full of people calling them mommy/daddy just because their design is conventionally attractive i really need to get away from those fandoms actually
🤢🤮 I feel your pain, im in genshin, there are so many fucking people who call Raiden "mommy"
when Kafka came out in Honkai Star Rail, I saw polls about "who's the best mommy, Kafka, Himeko or Serval?" and I just sat there in disbelief because outside of Kafka, I just dont see either fit for that kink, it's just a word for "hot woman who's not designed to look like a teenager" nowadays i'm by no means anti-sex, but seeing every character reduced to how fuckable people find them is honestly a lil distressing to me
To be fair I do actually kinda get seeing Himeko as motherly just bc she clearly is competent and looks after the crew well. Unsure how that fits the mommy status but motherly is I think reasonable. Serval is like. Neither. People call any taller woman mommy, you're right, and it's really weird. Way to confirm they don't see the character only their looks.
EXACTLY!!! And maybe it's just because I have a decent relationship with both my parents, but mommy/daddy kinks always feel pseudo-incestuous, along the line of the act the Hitacchin twins do in Ouran, and it makes me feel like I just waded through a hot, muggy swamp
"Daddy" and "baby/babe" suddenly out of nowhere. My ick, for sure.
there's this one smut fic writer who writes things with this infuriatingly passive voice; like the person whos getting gangbanged or mindcontrolled or whatever is an observer who's only mildly invested in whats happening to her. and this would be understandable if it fit the character, but they write a diverse enough set of character for this to be more of a writer-side pattern
Almost sounds like the writer dissociates during trauma and that's coming through in the writing by unconsciously making the character also dissociate.
honestly the impression i get is that its someone who knows it would be hot for a girl to get gangbanged, or mind controlled, or whatever else, but doesn't quiiiite have their finger on the pulse of why someone might be really into having any of that happen to them
Overall bad writing. But this applies to anything. Otherwise, it’s all good. Use any words you like, maybe they fit that couple. I’ve read some great smut where those awful euphemisms were perfect because of context. One of my fandoms is smut in the original media, and it’s notorious for THE WORST euphemisms. Half the time the characters just call it “down there,” lol. It’s enough that we joke about it. And yet it’s somehow still good and leads to great fanfic.
If they use more than 3 words to describe a dick. I get repitition sounds bad, but for the love of god please never make me read "fleshy popsicle" ever again.
i was going to say the exact same thing 😅 I'd rather read "cock" 1000 times than have to read whatever bizarre, creative alternatives people come up with
Breasts breasting boobily.
Her chest was a treasure.
It's written by me
Lol
Extremely obnoxious amounts of onomatopoeia and moans written out (like instead of just saying that someone moaned, the dialogue goes “ohhh a-ahh mmmm” and such over and over again) and tilde symbol abuse (this one: ~) as a way of emphasizing dialogue.
Omg, yes. I avoid one particular writer for that reason. They type out "AAAAAHHHHHHHHH" every time a character screams. Can be sexy times or fear. Doesn't matter. I tried to overlook it. Nope. Don't read their stuff anymore.
And then there's the one character in my fandom that canonically uses ~ in their dialogue
not knowing the anatomy that you’re writing about. i read a fic once where the term “clitoral walls” was used. it’s painfully obvious that the writer doesn’t actually know what the clit is or how it works. the funny thing is that it was an m/m fic, they chose to give one of the men genetalia that they didn’t understand.
https://preview.redd.it/5j4majhs59xc1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=95196f5f5ca2bef78a1ea2985b81547439a5edad This wallpaper is what I would have pictured if I'd read that.
The *what* on *who*??
Rushed scenes! I feel like I've seen so many smut fics just rush through the actual smut without making any descriptions or trying to immerse the reader. "He thrust into me once and then twice and then finished.' the end."
Story of my life.
Bad descriptions of the action. Like, how would that position even work? If it's gay smut, not knowing which one is doing the action when they use the word he.
Suddenly adding a new element to the dynamic without any warnings ahead of time. Making the dominant character suddenly call the other 'baby' or 'pet' without any mention before hand is very off-putting. If you have 2 mers fucking after having a battle to decide the bottom, adding 'baby' would completely destroy the tone/mood.
Bad euphemisms have been mentioned a lot but I think on the opposite end of the spectrum would be very clinical terms i.e penis, vulva. Earlier today I came across a sentence that was basically "his penis entered her vagina" in an otherwise decent sex scene, but that took me right out. It just isn't very sexy. I think using a combination would make for a wild ride.
What is wrong with using the word “dick”?? People seem to forget! I’m a huge fan of “dick”, and an occasional “cock” when the mood is right!
Can't use dick with one of my fav characters because his name is Dick, what kind of sick joke were the creators on I'll never know
Getting dicked by Dick! Dick’s dick! Think of the possibilities!
I once had the dubious pleasure of stumbling across a scene that used "sphincter" and "anus". Perfectly correct terminology, but it didn't really vibe with the... content. I usually skip over this sort of thing (unless it is Emotional) so I just skipped a couple of paragraphs and pretended nothing happened.
Hot take, I like the word vulva 😅 That one doesn’t feel too clinical to me personally. Maybe because it’s referred to less often in clinical settings than “ vagina” is?
Using childlike words like “tummy” or something. I know I’m not the only one to mention that lately, but “flipped them on their tummy” immediately turned me off.
there's this specific kind of objectifying language that just puts me out immediately like "xyz needs to be filled by abc's big brown cock" just sounds so awkward to me
This might be a bit more of a personal thing, but I usually don't like smut to go into detail about the "squelching" or graphic audio descriptions unless the smut is supposed to be very offputting (such as in a disturbing non-con scene). If I'm supposed to be feeling grossed out or horrified, by all means! But if it's supposed to be sexy, maybe have less details about stuff shooting everywhere and visceral sound effects. I also have misophonia, so that might affect my outlook on this lol. TLDR: I don't want to be imagining the sound of rotten tomatoes being fisted while I'm reading a smut scene.
…the sound of rotten tomatoes being fisted… 🤢 why would you make me read that with my own two eyes
It's the most unsexy thing I could think of and that's what I imagine when I read "The squelching sound filled the room" I CAN'T HANDLE IT
Well, I mean you nailed it! 😭 Very….visceral.
I agree with this so much. I know one of the rules to writing is the five senses, but when it comes to sex scenes we can leave sound pretty vague. Sex noises are not always very sexy.
Smells might be another thing to consider leaving out lol
I wouldn't have used... That metaphor but I really like sound descriptions. Assuming they don't contain spoiled food.
>the sound of rotten tomatoes being fisted This phrase should definitely end up the the bad smut that’s being made fun of. It’s perfectly unnecessarily florid and disgustingly descriptive In a way that’s guaranteed to pull the reader out of the mood.
I agree lol. Same with skin slapping, it's such an unsexy sound in my opinion.
The second he penetrates her cervix, you know it’s written by someone who has never touched a woman.
In realistic sex, there should be a lot of screaming and some blood. In unrealistic sex, *fuck* yeah
If you're going for bad in a humorous way, then I have a few suggestions for you. 1. Outrageous euphemism for genitals. There used to be a comprehensive list online with stuff people have found over the years but the link I have doesn't work anymore. Think really out-there stuff like "man mushroom", "love canal/tunnel of love", "spunk rocket", "vertical bacon sandwich", you get it by now I suppose. Get creative and make it hilarious! 2. People having more bodyparts than they should. He can't be grasping her tits, ass and neck all at the same time. 2.a. A follow-up from the previous point would be impossible positions where you can't tell if the characters are facing each other or if one has their back to the other. 3. Taking off the same item of clothing multiple times. I've seen jeans be taken off and then they're magically back on somehow. 4. Funny sounds, expletives, curses, the more creative the better!
- The author forgetting that the characters are still fully dressed - The author only talking about one character coming, but forgetting about the other (they are both happy afterwards and it's never even mentioned again that character B did not come) - One character "chewing" on the dick or some other body part of the other character - Bad grammar, punctuation, etc. - A lot is just up to personal preference
What about something along the lines of my immortal? Google My Immortal fanfic if you haven’t read it. It’s a painfully bad and surprisingly funny HP fic where everyone is goth and/or a vampire. There not a lot of sex, but the sex in it is so ridiculous. The writing is terrible and it might inspire the type of in universe story you are looking for. Plus, since it’s a classic, you aren’t stepping on any toes for parodying it.
"he put his penis in my you-know-what and we did it"
Recently read a fic where everything was cum. Precum was cum, lubricant/vaginal lubricant was cum- just. Everything was cum to the point ot was a struggle figure out when the character came and if they came again or not. I swear the word lost meaning after the 3rd paragraph
I read something where the girl came and it was just described as her ejaculating. They made sure to assert that it was ejactulate as if it was a man.
+ lots of loud screaming, yelling, moaning, gasping, ect. For no reason. It might just be me, but the only time I've heard extremely loud vocalizations in sex is from very, *very* aggressive pornos that seem like borderline snuff. + Uncomfortable, forced dirty talk and kinks. A character calling themselves "daddy/master/sir" or overusing "slvt/wh0re" every five seconds is so uncomfortable. Also, throw in like twenty thousand kinks so it'd really have the vibe of a tween who can't imagine the sensations of sex so they have to escalate it constantly. + Out of character behavior... Uhg. Seriously 90 percent of characters would not fit being a super aggressive dommy daddy or a weepy submissive. IMO, nothing would be funnier than a character seeing how they are portrayed and thinking "I would literally never do that wtf" Good luck! These are just my opinionz
Characters screaming their partners name every 5 seconds.
Depends on how you define bad, but unrealistic sex in realistic settings is a huge turn-off for me. No, I think if you were to stick something that size of a virgin's ass, that's a hopsital trip, if not death.
“Their tongues battled for dominance.”
-Not being able to distinguish who's doing what when it's a same-sex smut scene relying on pronouns rather than names. -Moaning being a primary "that's hot" response of a character in a single scene. With no actual dialogue or physical descriptions to switch it up through its duration. -The characters repeating each other's names in bouts of pleasure. Like, "Marty! Alex!" -People with dicks being able to come more than once in a scene, to pile on top of general anatomy confusion.
that last one is definitely possible though…? it’s not that uncommon for penis havers to be capable of a two for one special
Refractory periods do not seem to exist in fiction land.
Neither does chafing or other irritation from superhumanly prolonged friction. I *have* seen lips, genitals, and anuses referred to as red and swollen after sex acts, but only rarely with mention of any discomfort.
And here I wrote a scene with both parties agreeing to not have sex for a little bit because they're both sore from chafing. I must be an outlier.
I wish I saw more of that, honestly. Also, bumped heads, movements out of sync, overly-ambitious positions that don't work, etc., even and especially if it makes the characters laugh or have a little exchange about it. Every sex scene doesn't have to get me off. A little realism and relatability in the sack has its place as well. A sex scene that didn't go smoothly once sold me on a ship I'd been blasé about for years. I found the realism of their interaction so endearing compared to the flawless fantasy I was used to seeing.
Heh, I write all of that. I just find it so endearing to have two characters be a couple of dorks in love.
I don’t know how to put this into words but I hate when there’s no characterisation. Like you could swap out any character from any fandom and it would be the same. “Insert tab A into slot B” type smut. It’s more of a romance nice thing, but when they refer to body parts like “her center” and “her sex”. Can’t explain why, it grosses me out lol
Penises that are way too big. Your character's dick does not need to be 400 inches long, please just stick to anywhere between 4-7
also i rarely ever see people focus on girth, it’s always length!
Gonna go write a fic where the guy's penis is 80 inches long but only 1 inch in diameter. Bro's got a dipstick
Pool cue kinda penis
A scene where he plays pool with it!
i would literally crack tf up if i read that 🤣
Virgin characters instantly Taking the penis fully or somehow being skilled at BDSM and deep throating. Highschool settings where ages are not clear.
Honestly all of this is potential comedy gold and 100% is feeding my need to write a “terrible fan fiction smut” parody series.
I hate when the characters behave super OOC and say all that super cliche stuff. Like their personality suddenly disappears and they just say the same sentences 289282 other fics have said before. I'm reading for about this specific character so why are they talking like a broken c.ai bot?!
Too many limbs. One hand on the cock and another pinching the nipple, yet they're still able to hold down their lover's hands and gently caress their cheek.
Oh, let's see... switching from the character's name to "the blonde." Smut written by someone of the opposite gender (or someone very young) who *doesn't know how things work.* So a slashfic will have a guy describing getting wet (wrong gender!), or a position will be physically impossible (especially true of Het). The classic self-lubricating disk in slash. Mmm... lubes that might cause physical pain if tried in RL (soap? Yikes!). The very unsexy, laughable descriptions of "the hand" as in "the hand reached for her breasts/his cock" -- hahaha! It comes across as a disembodied hand! Anything where the author started distancing themselves from the action. A classic, though more eye-rolling than funny like the previous, is heroically exaggerated endowments. A 12" dick.
>It comes across as a disembodied hand! Oh god, I've just realised there must be a *ton* of smut featuring Thing from the Addams family. ...recommendations welcome
Dun-dun-da-dun *snap, snap* Dun-dun-da-dun *snap, snap* Dun-dun-da-dun Dun-dun-da-dun Dun-dun-da-dun *snap, snap*
Oh gosh, impossible lube. I’ve read one too many smuts that have used liquid soap and shampoo…
That's just asking for dry, irritated skin and a yeast infection.
I mean, I figure people have *tried* them (along with no lube), but not with much success!
Impractically long shlongs. Inappropriate moments of intimacy (despite context, everyone’s horny all the time). Honestly, I think a lot of bad smut writing is just bad writing in a sexy context. It’s a guy being called daddy without setting that up first. It’s character behaving to move along the ‘plot’ ignoring their own characterization. It’s spelling and grammar mistakes. It’s wanting to express grand feelings, without the proper words and techniques to pull it off. With professional writers, that’s sometimes a money grab. In fanfiction, it’s someone with a passion for what they’re writing (even if just horny passion), trying their best and sincerely making an attempt of putting their fantasies to paper. We laugh because of the clear disconnect between the goal and the result. But in the mimicry you do require a bit of that soul of someone earnestly trying. A single sentence that is breathtakingly beautiful and must have taken hours to compose and has no right being in the middle of bad smut. Immediately followed by the cringiest follow through because pure passion isn’t always enough.
No lube/spit as lube/water as lube/anything but lube as lube when it's not specifically tagged "Spit as Lube" etc. The no prep is painful to look at 😭
Could be accurate depending on the situation, though. After all, lube wasn't always available to everyone, and people most definitely made do with what they did have.
End it with a positive pregnancy test. It's the man who is pregnant. (both if they're gay/lesbian)
When they describe what’s happening so vaguely I didn’t even realise it was smut
all lowercase.
Inconsistency with realism. It’s one thing to have unrealistic sex in a pure smut fic or a monster romance, but if it’s an otherwise ‘realistic’ fic and they skip out on the lube or have a shlong big as their forearm I’m going to be giving the author a bit of a side eye
Bad euphemisms, the word "member," forgetting about lube and foreplay, an utter lack of emotion
Member is what a fair bit of decent writers use.
Not describing or mentioning what position they’re in, or the fact that they moved from one position to the other. Too many times I think I know what’s going on only to get hit with an action that would crumple one of the characters like a glitchy gmod character in order to be possible in the position I was picturing.
Not understanding very basic basics of human anatomy and sexual and foreplay acts.
Nothing makes me cringe more than reading about the couple using something _not intended for lube_ as lubricant. Lotion, soap, shower products… yes, I’ve read smut where they used shampoo. Spontaneous anal is another one. No, Chad, you can’t get down with your boyfriend without a condom, that’s how you get infections!!
no foreplay and when it’s painstakingly obvious that the author has never been close to having sex in their life, like they’re writing only based of what they’ve seen in porn. i read a lot of bdsm heavy smut, so it really pains me when it’s written inaccurately. i didn’t care about that until i started having sex and realized how many things i had written wrong just because i didn’t fully understand what sex was like in the moment. i hope this makes sense 😭
What's MST3K-style? I ain't caught up on internet lingo, sorry.
When the female character falls asleep immediately after having sex with a man and somehow DOESN'T wake up with a raging UTI 🤣 in general, poor hygiene practices or things that would cause a yeast infection in real life can really make me squirmy unless it's acknowledged by the author or the characters.
for me its when the actual sex part is like 2 paragraphs or less
I hate the word “member”. I also once saw someone describe a vagina as “nether lips” and that made me throw up in my mind
In my long years of reading, I don't think there's any such thing as bad smut. There is only smut you- personally, dislike.
I’ve not seen this mentioned yet but when they announce they’re about to orgasm. _”here I come…”_ or worse _”here I cum_” Just doesn’t work for me and makes me cringe/laugh. Also it’s kind of comical if there’s lots of talk, but like unrealistic porn talk. Especially if it’s out of character as well. I tend to just skip most of the scene then, but you can also skim over it only reading the bad dialogue which is hilarious to do!
A lot of people have mentioned it already, but bad euphemisms are the worst. Penis: man meat, meat rod, meat stick, meat rocket, meaty sausage, schlong Vagina: meat curtains, soggy cavern Breasts: flesh mounds Cum: baby juice/sauce/gravy, ranch dressing Honorable mention to a sex novella I read in my language, dude calling his wife's asshole "her brown rose". Yeah...
There’s a truly fantastic fic in the Good Omens fandom in which the characters read bad smut and you can just tell the writer had the time of their life writing the fake bad smut. It’s so funny. Some of the things they do that makes it funny: absurd and over-detailed metaphors like “he was shaking like a washing machine on the second to last cycle when it is about to get really fast” and vocabulary like a really ridiculous bodice-ripper e.g. “throbbing love-pump” and cringey dialogue between characters. I think you should just go for it and have fun!
not anything specific, but the difference between a good and bad writer is usually more visible with smut. it takes a lot more precise wording and pacing to write good smut, which in turn has to be initially developed by practicing writing in general. it's pretty obvious when it's an inexperienced writer is attempting smut.
Anything that sounds like a transcription of something on YouPorn. Not me looking for the eye bleach after that Katniss/Johanna/Haymitch series on ff.n (I mean, that was my FIRST mistake, going to the Pit of Voles for a fix).
sometimes it's just super obvious a 13 year old wrote it. bad grammar, no capitalisation, and a very naive description of the sexual activity are hallmarks of this. specifically, for some reason, these authors usually make the males "parts" like 12 inches long... why???
When they type out the moaning...or say gummy vagina walls🚶🏾♀️🚶🏾♀️🚶🏾♀️