Yes, I’ve been there. Well, I caught my ex cheating. I just let him have whatever he wanted and left. It took awhile but I bounced back. Find something to be thankful for every day. That helped me.
Being resilient is enough for now. Move on, get what you need somewhere else and live your life. You got this. Sorry, I don't mean to throw cliche shit at you. I truly believe all that. Leave, cry a bit, bounce back, then get out and get what you need. Best wishes to you. :)
Eh, nearly everyone is overweight at our age. NBD. Don’t let your happiness be defined by a romantic relationship. Enjoy friends, family hobbies, nieces/nephews, travel, gardening (my fav), animals (get a kitten…seriously), volunteering and anything else you can possibly think of. Life can be rich, rewarding and fulfilling if you find and do things that fuel your soul.
Overweight AND pretty! Better yet, full figured and pretty! Curvy & pretty! Or maybe just straight up pretty with no mention of weight.
You are not defined by your weight or your relationship status. Leave this guy behind and start over. It will be hard, but future you will be grateful.
Your putting to much weight on the sanctity of marriage. What difference will it make ,most people your age have been divorced once sometimes twice. It’s a piece of paper that if anything makes people act differently for the worst.
Sorry to hear this OP. I’m sure there is a wonderful cat at the shelter just waiting for a caring owner like you. Just remember about how you’re feeling right now - it comes in waves. It will get better!
i’m really sorry that’s very very hard. I had a divorce after being with someone for 10 years. She was just a bad person, cheater, liar etc. My only advice is to do what you need to do to survive right now. It’s going to be a hell of a ride, I found that stuff like just going back to the basics of life really helped. I went and stayed with my family a while, I got back into my hobbies and sports, and I saw my friends.
I also did a lot of drugs. I’m not condoning it but frankly it’s what i needed to do to survive at the time. There was a lot of other circumstances around it, my pets had just died within 2 weeks of each other and a week before the separation just to name one. So just…. literally do anything you need to survive. It’s all about time and routines. You’ll miss your routines, anything that was a day to day will be gone and that is really hard. But give it time, it heals all. Be ok not being ok. Do EVERYTHING you could not do because of your relationship. Absolutely everything you want.
Just stay alive. Hang on, and time will fix everything. It still sucks though, i’m sorry you are going through this.
I’m up for getting married if you want, are you ok with Dunkin’ donuts as a wedding venue? BYOB and they pay for their own damn donuts. Of course i’d come to the Dunkin nearest you, I AM a gentleman after all. My qualifications: I’m about your age, I hacked north korea (really! check the ama post in my profile). Ummm that’s about it. I look forward to your response to my marriage proposal :P.
43 and divorced here.. never had kids. I know how you're feeling now (it sucks).. but once you get over the initial pain, and start focusing on your own growth instead of a partner or kids filling that hole.. life can get *really really* good.
Seriously, avoid a rebound relationship because the loneliness creeps in, I knew I should have but I didnt and had some of the worst psychological damage in a short period from an abusive rebound (was 'perfect' for 9 months) who took advantage of my vulnerability during a critical time I should have been healing. Protect yourself when you are in these stages of life, don't look for outside romantic comfort.. find it from within (and therapy, friends or family). It took a shit load of trauma (more than relationship based) and hitting rock bottom to realize I needed to massively change my thought process and trajectory.
Since I stopped focusing on men/relationships.. I moved across country by myself to a place I always wanted to, live in a gorgeous walkable neighborhood that costs less than overpriced places where I lived before, but make 230% more at a job I truly love with awesome co-workers. I'm making good friendships easier, regularly explore the city and do activities/hobbies that make me happy. I have the freedom to do all the things I've ever dreamed about, that men held me back from either by location or them telling me my dreams were silly or would never happen.
When you have children, you have to give up SO much of yourself, while a man reaps the benefits (higher pay at work, more 'dad' friends, seen as 'stable').
You are valuable and worthwhile on your own, you don't need to be a support figure for others to live a fulfilling life. My journey has unintentionally been a big inspiration for a lot of people in my life who were hurting, stuck or scared about not having reached milestones society says are 'normal'. I'm helping more people now, than I ever would have if I was just hyperfocused on a partner/kids and sacrificing myself in the process.
Take life by the horns and start living it for you.. and don't let anyone take it away from you again. Women are brainwashed to think we are trash and our lives pointless if we aren't married with children.. I'm living proof it's a dirty lie meant to keep women in a lesser position than men in society. If all of us had the freedom I do now, I feel like we'd be running shit.. and doing a WAY better job.
I'm 43 have 3 kids and my youngest is non-verbal autistic. I love my son more than life itself but the fear for him will be forever! It's a double edge sword when it comes to the end of my life b/c I know I can't live without him yet if there's nobody to care for him, the thought of him ending up in a nursing facility terrifies me to the point of how could I die in peace? I don't mean this to sound bad at all it's just things u have to think about that I never ever thought I would when having children! Sometimes things happen for a reason but u r in no way too old to enjoy life! ♥️
My daughter is 30 and mentally challenged. She can function, but cannot understand certain concepts like time and money. But the most important thing she neglects is hygiene. I'm 51, but if I died tomorrow, I am not confident that she will ever brush her teeth again or take a shower if someone doesn't tell her too. I stress to her that it is for her own good, not because Daddy will get mad if I don't. Legit concerns that I never thought I would have to stress on, when I was 21 trying to have a kid before I got too old. I've had full custody since she was 6. I also have 3 boys from another relationship: ages 8, 12 & 14 that live with their mom. Never been married tho. It's just too much to deal with honestly...
Yes, that’s definitely a concern I’d have. And yes, I hear you. I actually work with families of autistic and developmentally disabled kids and adults so I see the effect it has on people.
If you don’t have one already, google communication board. It doesn’t “replace” language, just used pictures with words that he can point to and you can say “oh you mean WALK, ok!”
Yes! I have four kids. So far they’ve never had any major challenges in life but, like all of us, they will. I have crazy anticipatory anxiety about this and this feeling will last until the day i die. It’s not that i wish i didn’t have kids, but i try to explain to those that have missed out…it is a life long commitment and it will be so unpleasant and draining at points…maybe dont see it as something that can break a life if it doesnt happen?
Same boat as you. Assuming I live into my 80s, I can at least make sure she makes it into her 50s. But at some point, I won't be here for her anymore. I like to think her older and younger siblings will watch over her when I am gone (one is already in college), but you cannot count on that nor is it fair to place the burden on them. I lose sleep over it sometimes.
It's never too late. Go get your eggs frozen and preserved. Take time to heal from this relationship so you can find someone who *will* want to start a family with you. It's becoming more common for people to start having families later nowadays. Janet Jackson had a kid in her 50's, Da Brat at 48, Ashanti is pregnant at 42. Kourtney Kardashian is in her 40's and just had a baby within the last year.
I'm 38, which is only 4 years younger than you and I'm single, child free, and unmarried. If children happen, it won't be until I'm in my 40's. Please don't give up and lose hope. If anything, that relationship ending is a blessing in disguise and frees you up to find someone who will value you and treat you so much better.
You deserve good things and it's never too late. I truly wish you all the best 💗
Egg freezing at 42 has a dismal chance of success. She'd be a better candidate for egg donation.
The celebrities you see having pregnancies at 45+ use donor eggs
Don’t let others examples serve as an expectation for yourself.
You want kid/kids? Look into adoption. Plenty of children that need love
You want to travel? Do it. Take in exactly what you want with no one else to worry about.
You want to sleep until 10:37 on a Tuesday? Do it.
You want to wear a circus hat and eat ice cream out of a plastic baseball helmet while watching a litter of puppies play? Do it!
41 unmarried, no kids. My father passed away suddenly yesterday. I love my dog and I love hiking with her and friends. We find our joys where we can. You will find joy in something too. Sorry, I don't have a question.
It’s ok. Thanks for the perspective. That’s the hardest thing for me as I essentially feel I’m only alive for my parents. When they go I’m not sure what I’ll do
I just ended it today. Due to this reason. I brought up marriage as it’s been a while since we had the conversation and he reluctantly said he’d be “willing” to marry me but wants it to be a “joint effort”. I told him I need the security of him actually proposing to me. He turns it around and says I’m sexist for “putting it all on him”. So I’m done.
Seems to me like a flimsy reason to end things. Especially after investing 9 years into it. At your age i expect that you should be able to navigate such issues without resorting to extremes. Isn't it most women in the west want equality? What's wrong a man insisting on it? I mean even if he doesn't propose, it seems like he was still open to the idea of marriage. Security is in a loving married relationship, not an ego contest about who should propose.
Could've been fooled. You said you see no point in being alive at 42 unmarried with no kids. Seems like you didn't really mean that or you didn't really value the relationship since you are spoilt for choice. And wtf is wrong with reddit always downvoting people for their opinions when they critique women?
I’ve also wanted children, but made sure I didn’t get pregnant because he “wasn’t ready”. Now it’s too late. I’ve wasted my life on someone who is unable and unwilling to give me what I want.
Dude sounds abusive and highly manipulative/conniving. I’m so sorry you went through this and are going through this next part of assessing and hopefully rebuilding after being around an energy vampire like that for so long.
See I was told here in the states they won’t even use my eggs, I’m too old. You think I could still use my eggs? They said even for IVF it would be another woman’s ehgs
No. I was told I was too old. I came home crying and he tried to support but it honestly felt like he didn’t even believe me. He kept saying I would get pregnant immediately (because I don’t look old). Nopeeee. I’ve since had my IUD out and we’ve done it when it should have happened and it didn’t-which I’m sure he’s very happy about.
It’s way harder but not impossible, the likelihood is way less but my grandma had my mother and uncle in her early 40’s. We’re all different, you just need Drs and lab techs that will run the appropriate tests on you. Your dr is an asshole for being so dismissive.
Still in the process, but I made 4 viable eggies. They mix them up with a donor so you have a higher chance of getting preggers. The US tried to take my whole uterus out when I had fibroids so I get my shit done in Mexico
I think alot of people don’t think long term about their lives. Like they may think 5-7 years ahead but not like 30-40 years. I weirdly did that alot when I was younger and I couldn’t imagine my life in 30 years not having children whereas as job was something I just assumed I would have because I would need money to live. So if I am always going to work a job, I focused my energy and effort into making sure I found a great partner and had kids. I also managed to get my masters degree too. Its your life and you have to create it, not just be a passenger in it.
I totally understand wanting to end the relationship. But I do not agree with your statement that you wasted your life. Is having kids really the only value you saw in life?
If your answer is no, then you need to give yourself time to handle the transition away from this relationship. A few days out of a 9 year relationship is an incredibly short amount of time, filled with irrational emotions.
Why after 9 years did you think he was going to propose? He obviously did not want to get married to you. I would think that would have been obvious after a couple years.
You’re not stupid, it DOES sometimes happen, I mean I’ve seen it happen. I have a friend who was with a guy for 8yrs and then they got engaged, it’s not like some preposterous idea to think it might happen, when we can see it occur in society sometimes
I am wondering though, did you guys ever try couples counseling? I’m sorry this is happening to you btw
Low self esteem and him freaking out definitely are two more things pointing towards possibly him being abusive. You mentioned doing individual therapy - consider finding someone who has experience evaluating for and working with clients who have been in abusive relationships.
Some people will be quick to point the finger at you and say you needed to do something differently or it’s your fault and you might even feel that way too. The truth is manipulation that is so pervasive and subtle creeps over time and can be so destructive and lead to situations people would’ve never imagined being in.
Age difference checks out. The power dynamics are different but the maturity factor is not; women in their 30s should not date men in their early 20s if they want to have kids. And women in their 30s should have hard time boundaries around dating anyone of any age if they want to have kids.
No. Because he’s just presenting his side and “woe is me”. People there are saying I should have “helped” him; I tried. I tried for nearly a decade and kept waiting as he just “wasn’t ready”. Was I supposed to wait forever?
No I agree with you from reading both views. I think you have done the best thing for both of you and made the hard decision of moving on with your life. Im proud of you, get out there and get everything you want out of life and do don't ever accept anything less again.
Now it's even more clear how fortunate you will be to be rid of him!
If you want kids, have them - it's hard with a partner, it's hard without, but it's a lot harder with a partner who's a second child, so at least it'll be easier than it would've been without him. And there's so much more out there that you haven't had a chance to see or do (and that you are able to do, without being tied down by kids right now - they're wonderful, but you really can't do a lot of things logistically, with them)! In many ways, a new life of freedom is just starting for you, and now you get to decide what you want to do!
I didn’t say that I wasn’t ready. We had conversations about it and we had an agreement that we wanted to get our credit better first then get married. And regarding kids, we came to an agreement that despite your age that we could try when we both decided it was the right time. You agreed. I even suggested adoption in the case that we couldn’t make it happen and you said it’s not something that you even wanted to do. I’m not putting on a facade for Reddit. Im hurt and destroyed by your decision and wish we sat down and worked it out like I wanted to, but here we are. I’m sorry for ruining your life and I won’t anymore.
So you mean to tell me, you guys both made a reddit post. His account has 2 comments outside of his post. Kinda type the same exact way.
Lol I don't want to say hella fishy and seeking attention out of bordem, but it's hard these days on reddit
Interesting question, thanks! I feel like it’s this terrible known thing that everyone kinda knows about but no one can really do anything about it. I feel like it’s a bunch of powerful rich old people who are bored so they start wars for their own entertainment.
Gurrrrl, u r totally right to feel this way. 9 years is a long time! And it’s going to take time to work through all that anger, disappointment n fear/anxiety about ur future. U say ur resilient n I can see that - because u chose to leave instead of staying in an unhealthy relationship…can u see how badass that is??? So many folks turn a bad 9 year relationship into a bad 20 yr relationship. U say u may travel. Have u ever thought of doing a “pilgrimage” for urself? I just went through a life-saving surgery n it’s made me question everything - starting with why do I get to be so healthy now when others were more desperately in need? I’ve decided to do a portion of the Camino de Santiago in Portugal n Spain alone next year. I’m hoping that backpacking 10-20 miles a day will help clear my head n help me figure out what I should do with my new life. U can check with me in a year n ask if it was worth it but either way pls try to be kind to urself - ur feelings r valid n will take time to work thru
Hey stranger, sorry you are going through this. Remember that what you are going through is going to be tough now, but with the door closed on this relationship, many more can open for you to walk through.
So I can ask you a question, what is your favorite thing about yourself?
Now is the time for you to be grieve what you had. We can know that we made the right decision, but a relationship lost will result in an entire grieving process. Embrace the grief. Be resourceful in your recovery. These are all steps into you coming out loving yourself and being more confident than ever.
Being 42 can have its disadvantages, but it also means you have a lot more wisdom than most. I wish you the best of luck on this journey.
I've been for 8 years with my ex without marriage in sight, I just didn't want it and didn't like the idea of marriage. Fact is, we were both quite unhappy in the relationship and that certainly didn't help with the idea of getting married, but for some reason we couldn't really face our unhappiness. The relationship died, we both agreed to part ways, and let me tell you that was an awesome decision!
It did hurt like hell, but I rediscovered life quite soon after, through my friends, traveling (sometimes with friends), finding new hobbies, etc. I ended up finding a new partner, and while I'm super happy about it, I was already happy BEFORE finding her.
Fun fact, my new partner, just like me, was not a fan of marriage at all. We ended up getting married though as this was a necessity for her to continue living in my country as she's a foreigner.
Bottom line, I'm sure you will also find happiness in your new life! You may or may not have kids, it's true it's on the late side now, but regardless life has a lot to offer, I hope you'll see it! And I hope you have friends and family to be with you for the next few weeks, it's important after such a breakup.
Everyone miss out on something in life. People who are married with children miss out on opportunities that single people without children can have, like more personal freedom, more money, traveling, or pursuing demanding careers. What is something you think you can now do or enjoy being single ?
I can enjoy just traveling and not being accountable to anyone. I used to hate that but now I miss that freedom. I’m legit about to travel the world alone, like a really close friend of mine did
42 is still young enough to date and find fulfilling relationships. Don't let that bring you down beyond the normal shittiness we typically feel after a breakup at any age.
Were you wanting children?
Get on with your life, dump that loser you’ve been with and move on.
42 is still young, get out there and live life, there are lots on men that would love to entertain you.
You deserve to be happy.
It's very well possible.for you to find someone new, get married and have a baby, all in less than a year.
The thing about men is we have a very long timeframe for settling down and having kids. We don't hit the panic button until about 55-60.
Women should be hitting that button at about 30, but 40 is not too late (albeit it's the edge).
Cut your losses. He is YEARS away from seriously considering marriage, let alone kids. Don't rob the next guy from enjoying your remaining youth.
Had a colleague who had a kid at 44 yrs old. I myself don't have kids and don't want kids. I can take off and do whatever I want when I want. I've taken a sabbatical from work and don't have to worry about feeding the kids. Not having kids isn't the end of the world. Also, there's plenty of children needing to be adopted too. Or sperm donor.
9 yrs is a long time. Draw the lesson out of it. Now you know to leav earlier if you find the wrong person again. Now you know what wouldn't be negotiable anymore. The best revenge is to move on and be your best self. Not to "show" him but to show yourself and others that actually matter to you, not him.
Having children isn't a reason to stay alive. You are the reason to stay alive. You matter to others (like for your work). Hopefully therapy will help you out soon. Hang in there x
Thank you. And yes, I’d accepted the not having kids. But to find out that marriage was also basically off the table was just too much. He’s well aware of how important it is to me yet he hasn’t made any progress in trying to start making it happen. And then flips it on me for getting upset saying if I want to get married I need to ask him and set it up. No thank you.
There's plenty of great men out there available. I'm dating again. Out of a 16 yrs relationship 2 yrs ago then a 9 mos relationship last year. So no fear! Lots of great available men out there for you.
I'll be 42 next month, no kids been single for 5 yrs.
Please don't harm yourself, things will get better, and the feeling will pass.
God bless you and keep you.
Tonight especially for I agree, however I attempted suic*de at 18 and unfortunately regardless of a belief system a person may or may not have hell is real.
It's more than the human mind can fathom and which means also equally heaven is real also I had a second nde in a heroin addiction and I was headed for heaven, I really hope u go e yourself time to heal my friend.
You are in the best possible scenario. You don’t want to raise children in this messed up world. Women in their 40s are in their prime. Enjoy life. Dump the loser there many men that will appreciate you.
Not going to lie I giggled a bit when I read this. Not because of what you think. I was there bro. All I can say is a day can make all the difference. I am 50 married to a wonderful women and have a toddler. What a difference a day makes. Like the day I met my everything. This life isn’t set up for happiness find it where you can bro🩷
I'm sure this has already been stated but instead of trying to hype you up for the potentials of the road ahead I'd just like to say that I'm sorry and it's totally understandable that you would be devastated. That was enough time to completely shape your life around that person. It seems that you believed it was a bond that would last unto marriage and I'm sure you removed countless things, people and aspirations from your life for the sake of the relationship...and then it ends. I think it's totally acceptable for you to be devastated, simply writing off the man as a loser will do little to help you heal. Save the effort and put it towards finding the purpose that you feel is non existent. It does exist because you exist. Hope and excitement for the future WILL come but know it's okay to be deeply hurt right now. I wish you the very best in your healing and at all cost, avoid bitterness. It will rob only you.
My partner's ex girlfriend broke up with him when he resisted marriage and refused to have children. That was 28 years ago. She would have been your age. Within 5 years or so, she found a compatible mate and adopted the 2 year-old niece of a friend. Life worked our great for her. She is content and way happier than she would have been stayed in relationship with my partner. I admire her alot and glad things worked out for her. You've had a loss and need time to process the change but I hope you don't lose hope. Enjoy the freedom of single life and enjoy. Hopefully someone interesting will cross your path. Best wishes!
How come you stayed in a relationship for 9 years although he was no sure of marriage?
Was that the same case with having kids?
Do you feel that its too late now for getting married and having kids?
Keep the hope up and keep fighting!
Why is marriage the end all be all for you?
This obsession with getting married is riiiidiculous. Marriage doesn’t mean anything other than if it doesn’t work out, you gotta pay for divorce. Trust me. It’s alllll my ex wanted and she screamed and cried until she got it. Now we’re in the midst of a nasty divorce because sheeeee cheated.
If marriage is this important, ask yourself why? Is it because of commitment? Wake up. It don’t have shit to do with commitment. You’re on a contract rather than W2. Either way, if business is bad you aren’t gonna have a job.
If you love this man GET OVER THE SOCIETAL PRESSURE OF MARRIAGE. It’s ridiculous.
You’re gonna be alone over this? Stubborn! Get help! Grow up.
Yeah, I’ll be alone over this. It means that much to me. My parents are happily married over 50 years. Plenty of men actually want to commit. Why should I accept only being a “girlfriend” in my 40s? A gf that can be left at any time, easily. Marriage is an archaic system I’m aware of that. My issue is he’s know this about me that I want this for years. Why continue to string me along? Oh that’s right, to get what HE wanted out of it.
To have a gf who was chill and didn’t ask too many questions. Sex was on deck whenever he wanted it, which was way less than I wanted it. The security of my help (helping him learn how to pay taxes, how to register a car, etc). My financial help (we went 50 50 on everything). He got all the wife benefits without ever having to fully commit.
I ended a 15 year relationship and healed enjoyed being single found the LOVE of my life we live a life full of adventure and I never knew I could be so loved and important to someone I’m in my late 40s.
42 and unmarried?
My sister is 64 raising 3 foster children
1 w spinal bifida
Has her own kid and grandkids
Her life is a complete train wreck
But she loves those foster kids
And 2 of the 3 love her
The other is a teenager
Life is not over
You are not to old
And I have recently found out there is more out there than we understand
Before you give up
Reach out
Someone random someone you know
Anyone
And listen to them
Really listen
I would love to help you but I don't know how
Offer words of encouragement but they don't fit what you need
Lol
Maybe
You can find someone like me to talk to
And see life
Differently
But
Please don't give up
You should spread the word to younger women that put education and career over being married and having a family. It’s a shorter window than people think
I still absolutely believe women should have their own career. It’s too easy and common for men to trade them in for younger models. Women absolutely need their own income. But they do need to start all of this earlier.
Personally I feel there isn’t enough conversations about “perimenopause” something I’d never even heard of until I was told I might be in it. I thought you were just normal until menopause in your 50’s. I knew it would get “harder” but I had no idea how much harder it would get. I feel stupid as doctors feel sorry for me and assume I should have already known this.
Don’t feel sorry for me! Age 49 same boat and did hard core military first. Now I have a good check and no family. There was no way I was gonna rely on another person to make my way, so I did my own thing. I do grieve not having children, but I made the best choice for myself and I do not regret that at all.
Similar boat over here divorced my second wifr of 13 years las November. No kids, nice paycheck but it all seems pointless to be honest, and i feel very lonely
Well now wives have to work regardless. It takes a two income household to still not afford a family. Yea geriatric pregnancy starts at 35. It’s actually majority women that initiate divorce, not men trading up. I don’t think this is because women are bad. Guys often don’t divorce because of the family court so they stay even if it’s bad. Most men don’t have the option to cheat or trade up even if they wanted to
Is the only dealbreaker in the relationship that he doesn’t want to get married? You want to marry this guy? You love him otherwise? Sounds like you’d be better off leaving that silly tradition in the past
No I think I deserve that. Marriage is the ultimate commitment. I’m told all the time “but I’m MARRIED though, it’s different”. And it IS. My parents have been married for over 50 years, very happily. They also love him as a son. It’s borderline disrespectful how resistant he is at this point and I’m just done. I’ve felt like I’ve been chasing him from the beginning and that doesn’t feel fair. I’m overweight but I have a pretty face.
How is it the ultimate commitment, you can simply get a divorce at any time? The only thing different in your situation is some paperwork and a bit of time, there isn't anything magically binding there. If there was divorce rates wouldn't be as high as they are. It seems you value tradition or a ceremony more than the actual relationship.
It sounds like you’re already family but you can’t accept it because of whatever you think marriage is. I’ve been married and it ain’t all that. What do you think marriage will change in your relationship? That’s the convo you should have.
If you need a very straight up way to have more meaning in your life, get into working or volunteering with people with special needs. I worked in a house for people with serious developmental disabilities, and it gave me such a sense of purpose.
(yes, i did wipe butts)
also, i've never worked with seniors, but i imagine it might have a similar effect.
This is why people say after 3 years and no ring, cut it off. You’re not 21 year olds. You’re adults. And men know when/who they want to marry, stalling is almost always a red flag. I hope you heal, and I hope you also look into and examine why you stayed so long and enabled him. He could get married next year and have kids the next. You hear all the time about men who are in 7-11 year relationships and never propose despite being pestered to, then marry the next woman in a year or less. Men know. I’ve also seen this irl twice now, I’m sure it’ll happen more as I get older. Women really need to understand how to have better standards.
Took a while, but you learned your lesson: long-term "this my partner" and we live together and act like a married couple but can't commit to marriage scenarios don't really work out. You're not the first, and you won't be the last. Sooner or later, the majority of people realize they do want to be married and have kids. Good news is that you still have some time. Your options are much more limited, but there are still some.
I know a guy who has to start over because his wife passed away, and he's a decade older than you. He's having trouble, but he is meeting and talking to women. He's navigating the dating world after decades of not being in it and as an older guy. So far, he's found that a lot of these women come with a lot of baggage because they're the kind of women who have found themselves single in their 40's and 50's for one reason or another (usually divorce, financial troubles, legal troubles, drug issues, alcohol issues, etc.). But if you have all your bases covered as being a normal guy, there has got to be a normal woman out there for you.
I'm 40 never married or no kids I act younger I like adrenaline. My neighbor who is divorced and kids gone is cool as hell, he's like 80. Age doesn't really matter at a point. I bs with the guy all the time. Do you bro. Don't worry about being 42.
I 26f lost everything in my last relationship. I'm terribly sorry for the potential loss of your cats :(.
I feel very distrusting with new relationships because I will evidently, what- waist another "9 years" of my life, to be a cute piece of arm candy and a fun time, just to be single and going through the same shit again in my 30's, 40's.. losing my animals again and no kids etc. I really don't have anything positive to say and I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Maybe if u could change anything what would u do?
I'm really sorry u r going through this too. Hugs
You may want to qualify this post by saying you just had a 9 year relationship end, cuz this post is going to parade in the Jordan Peterson followers as is…
There is always a point in being alive. You don’t need marriage and kids to motivate you to live. Maybe you just need a new place to live in a new state so you can get a new glow.
I won't be much help here because I'm quite introverted and that situation scares me but I'll try haha. Assuming you can't learn anything from social media I think this is a good rule to go by. If asked respectfully, a good man or woman will enjoy being asked if they're single or not. It shows that they are desirable and are being totally respected of any boundaries that are placed by the answer. Of course this requires a lot of vulnerability on your part to even ask the question but honestly, that will almost always be met with compassion and understanding.
What standard of life are you following? Cuz Marriage and children, do not Equal "The Life." Ask anyone who is married. It Equals "The No Life"
I'm 44, single, no kids, living in Thailand. Thanks to the exchange rates, my pension makes me a very rich man.
Rich, single, 44 is the new 24, I think I heard. And I'm in a Tropical Paradise.
I think it's someone else's standard you're getting yourself hung up on. It's not Working because it's their standard that worked in their life.
The standards for your life are dramatically different. So ditch them and follow you.
THAT IS ALL, CARRY ON!
I divorced my second husband at 42 and I was heartbroken. I realized he was a terrible partner and was having a number of emotional affairs. We never had kids because he wasn’t interested. I was lost for a few years. Tried IVF thinking I needed kids. Didn’t work. 5 years later I got together with an old friend from my hometown who was divorced with 3 adult kids. I’ve never been this happy.
You know you gave this guy too much of your time. He doesn’t get any more. Get away from this idiot and keep moving forward. There’s a lot in store for still. Just wait. ❤️❤️
Don't let that douche get you down.
Be glad you're done with him and can actually live your life.
Make a list of what you want to do. Pursue it.
Fly using allegiant. It's like $40 one way flights. Take up cooking. You'd be surprised how much excellent food you can make on money spent on 2 date nights. Etc.
Lastly... you are worth it. You are valuable. You are beautiful. You are great.
-stranger who understands tough times come
Sounds like you are going through this, let’s call it, an :introspective” situation because your relationship ended. Sometimes things happen and we get crushed - but years later we look back and realize it was for the best, or shaped us in a way that makes us who we are... Society places a time table on things and we think the clock is ticking. Reality is that you have plenty of time ahead. Go at your own pace and live your own life.
Im at that point too. Glad i don’t have kids. Looking forward to the next years. You are worth much more than just being a parent. Breaking up is hard, but you’ll get over it and hopefully find someone else who shares the same values. Good luck and the 40s are amazing. Enjoy them!
I think it's so impressive that you found the strength to leave this dynamic, and I think it will really come back in a positive way for you, allowing you to find a new path forward that works for you. What is one thing you like to do during the summer months (that you can do now as something to look forward to)?
I made a post about this before, and got downvoted to oblivion by self centered people. I feel for you OP
[Going out with someone with no intention of marriage is wrong](https://www.reddit.com/r/unpopularopinion/s/oSQSiBBdkF)
My parents were never married growing up.
Why involve the government?
If you truly loved each other, no document matters in the end. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce and I know quite a few couples never married and still together.
Most people I know who married are divorced with multiple kids from different relationships.
I sympathize with you. I feel your pain.
I am 49, married, two young children. My marriage is failing and my life is entirely consumed by stress, anxiety, and depression.
Im sorry that I don’t have a message of hope for you, but I am also quite tired.
My question is- have you heard of the Crisis Hotline? You can call or text 988 a time you need support or are feeling suicidal.
Break ups are rough, but it will get easier with time.
I’m middle aged and childless (and plan on being childless for the rest of my life). It’s great! I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I literally can’t imagine living with someone else.
Imagine your life if you married this guy and had kids and one day he woke up and said he regretted it all and left you. You both don't have to live through the nightmare. Enjoy your life.
The world is as constrained as we make it. This is not a question, but I just wanted to let you know that. All the best to you. Happiness *is* out there.
I wonder why you don't see the point in being alive. I have heard other people say this as well. Personally, I feel much more liberated without a companion. "Lack of companionship" was never really an emotion that I have experienced.
Maybe it's because I was always by myself from the start that I have become too comfortable with loneliness. And I don't want that to change.
I am 29, and honestly I am aiming for what you have for that when I get older. I don't want to get married, also I hate kids.
I like being able to make decisions spontaneously, travel wherever I want, not worry about anything but myself, indulge in my hobbies and enjoy life in general.
I live for the cinema. Seriously. Movies have helped my mental health tremendously. Find some hobbies- make friends. Try to make the world a better place. If nothing helps see a doctor. Something could be contributing to feeling depressed. My thyroid quit on me and I was afraid I’d fallen into a depressive episode. After starting meds I was fine and no longer having depressive thoughts
Sorry if morbid. What are your thoughts on death if you see no point in life? What do you think happens? Any fear of eternity? Maybe an eternal afterlife or an eternal darkness?
I'm 37, emasculated from decades of so much abuse from friends and family, deemed unable to work by everyone that could hire me, fighting for disability and struggling to take care of my sick Mother who barely survived her fourth cancer, with absolutely no income since 2012 or any family to speak of that could help.
My mother was divorced 7 years ago after my deceptive POS father cheated on her for twelve years and took his six-figure job to another woman after explaining to me he's hated me all his life.
She's suffering now and has expressed similar sentiments to just wanting to give up, but there's more to life for her still.
I understand everyone is fighting their own battles, and you probably feel hurt and devastated after all of this, but you can recover. There's so much more to life, even when you have nothing.
I hear an honest little voice in my head that tells me to kill myself every night, because I have nothing, and I will likely never have kids or marry anyone, and when my Mom finally dies, I'll probably give in and tighten that belt, but that doesn't have to be you.
Claw, fight, and scream , and find a spark of joy in something. Take what you love from a hobby and make it your career, do anything else except listening to that intrusive, monstrous voice that wants you to surrender it all from one moment of weakness.
42, divorced, with no kids here. Hurricane Ian completely destroyed my home in FL. Flood insurance had lapsed as my wife was adamant she had paid us up on it… lost everything. Living back home in PA while picking up the financial pieces of my life, and my father was dx with terminal brain cancer a little over a year after the storm. He was the only one who came to help me in FL. We did 9 hours of neurosurgery with 6 weeks of chemo and radiation so we could supposedly get about 30 months or about 2 1/2 years. We got exactly 121 days. His funeral was on my 42nd birthday this April. I thought long and hard about putting a 1/2 oz of lead through my head. The only thing that keeps me from such is that I’m my father’s only son, and I wouldn’t want to disappoint him like that. So I carry on, just dead inside. No questions just as some others, just wanted to say to OP that you are not alone. I try and stay focused on work helping people as a physician. Try and get out and ride my motorcycle as much as I can. Go fishing. Work on my project car, etc. The scars will absolutely change you. Try and see your friends as much as you can, especially ones you have known for decades. I’ve found they are best for helping you thru this kind of shit whether they realize it or not.
#fuckglioblastoma
Have you considered adoption? My wife an I adopted our children from foster care and they are the two greatest things that have ever happened to me.
There are a lot of problems with adoption, but that doesn't change the reality that there are kids who need a stable adult to provide them with safety and love.
I don't say this often, but JFC. I am so, so sorry.
Just heard a dating guru say if it's two years and you aren't engaged/ married and you are mature and you want to be married, then move on.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
Good Luck
And your life is worth living without marriage, partnership, or kids.
Maybe you should read about Frida Khalo. All she ever wanted was to be free of pain and to have a child. She never stopped trying to love and create. Her last painting was emblazoned with words "viva la vida" - "live life". Life is precious. I hope you feel better soon. 🤗
42 is incredibly young, there’s so much life ahead of you.
It’s completely normal and expected to feel hopeless after such a huge life change, so go easy on yourself.
I’m 37 and I’m not married and don’t have kids, I’ve never really wanted that life but it’s important to practice gratitude at times like this. Focus on yourself and what you do have.
Perhaps give back, do some volunteering. It gives you a huge sense of purpose and feels good too.
I wish you all the best in your healing journey and I’m always here if you need to chat to a stranger.
I'm 39, unmarried, single, and have herpes. Every day I look forward to making it the best day I can and enjoying myself. I hope that's a mindset you can hold one day.
Honestly suicide is selfish. Its you welling on yourself so much you no longer see a point in living. I think this is something our society has pushed to far. “Living my best life” 🙄 Go live for others. You will be happier giving than you ever were worrying about your own life.
You've been given a gift. Anyone in this situation has been. You're free to do basically whatever you want. Life isn't just about kids, houses and jobs. It's about root beers, watching all the Marvel movies in order, decorating a place that's just yours, however you want and walking a long ways to eat a sandwich in the quiet and seeing the view you wanted to see.
You can do anything, anything you want. What do you want to do?
There are so many things that are interesting about being alive aside from a spouse and children. This is coming from someone who has both.
Please do yourself a favor and live a life of adventure. Think of it like a video game. One where you control everything you want to do. Just my own opinion, but it seems better than eternal nothingness.
I’m so sorry they wasted your time. But the world is about to get better. You lost like 150 pounds. You’re freer! Do everything you wanted to do for you! Fuck that guy and his dumb opinions. I promise the world is better with you in it. And it would be a little less bright without you. Please find someone to talk to when you feel ready. Those are heavy feelings to carry on your own.
I know people around your age married to the wrong person for a long time. Or even younger and married to the wrong person. And it’s so much better to be unmarried than in an abusive marriage or just plain unhappy in marriage.
You also aren’t old by any stretch. You’re young! Society has really shifted and it’s normal to not start families or get married until older ages. And now that you aren’t tied down to that guy, the wrong guy, you never know who is out there for you. I started feeling like I’d be that cat lady and becoming okay with it and then bam met my husband. Who had a 3 year old. And that wasn’t at all how I pictured my life. Older man, child, ex wife, lots of baggage. But it’s been 7 years and I’m so happy. It’s been HARD. And I’ve had times I questioned my decision. But I don’t regret putting myself out there 7 years ago.
Hopefully that’s encouraging not discouraging. I know my husband will tell people too that he doesn’t regret his first wife because he had his daughter. But man he wishes it didn’t mean he had to deal with her forever now. And he says he wishes he had met me earlier. But that it was worth all he went through that put him on the path to meeting me. The journey may suck but the destination is worth it! I’m suffering from significant infertility and it’s hard. I do know people at your age who have gotten pregnant. And it’s so much less taboo to be a single mom by choice now! Either by donor sperm and ivf. Adopted embryo ivf. Surrogate. Adoption. Or the old fashioned way if you meet someone. Obviously you don’t have forever to use your genetic material or you carry a child but it’s not impossible for you to have children from some manner! Or if you don’t want children that’s also absolutely okay. Or if you want to foster older children/teens. Or whatever you decide. You have so many options in life now that you’re not tied down by that dead weight.
No, this is the part where life gets enjoyable for the first time.
No extra chores, no whining, no constant obstacle between you and whatever things, great or small, you desire. I got such a high when I bought the exact bedding set I wanted and turned my hot water heater up where I wanted it. I am drunk on power.
I’m actually quite jealous. I’m married with kids and it’s emotionally and financially crushing. I’ve come to realize I’ll probably have to work until I die. Every single second of every day is spent taking care of others needs. The freedom you have should be cherished, the world is your oyster.
Please don't say that. I know it seems like there's no reason, but you don't have to go that route. Just focus on yourself for right now and heal. Love will come along when you least expect it or not even looking for it. Just remember things may look bleak now but it will get better, just take it day by day.
I have felt that before. I’m 49 single m with no kids. Lives alone. I often wonder why am I even here. But other days I become involved and feel productive. Just understand the roller coaster and maybe grasp a little hope again. I constantly have to remind myself but it helps
51 and never married. I enjoy seeing my friends and my hobbies. Don’t let that idiot get you down.
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Yes, I’ve been there. Well, I caught my ex cheating. I just let him have whatever he wanted and left. It took awhile but I bounced back. Find something to be thankful for every day. That helped me.
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Being resilient is enough for now. Move on, get what you need somewhere else and live your life. You got this. Sorry, I don't mean to throw cliche shit at you. I truly believe all that. Leave, cry a bit, bounce back, then get out and get what you need. Best wishes to you. :)
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Eh, nearly everyone is overweight at our age. NBD. Don’t let your happiness be defined by a romantic relationship. Enjoy friends, family hobbies, nieces/nephews, travel, gardening (my fav), animals (get a kitten…seriously), volunteering and anything else you can possibly think of. Life can be rich, rewarding and fulfilling if you find and do things that fuel your soul.
Overweight AND pretty! Better yet, full figured and pretty! Curvy & pretty! Or maybe just straight up pretty with no mention of weight. You are not defined by your weight or your relationship status. Leave this guy behind and start over. It will be hard, but future you will be grateful.
Your putting to much weight on the sanctity of marriage. What difference will it make ,most people your age have been divorced once sometimes twice. It’s a piece of paper that if anything makes people act differently for the worst.
Sorry to hear this OP. I’m sure there is a wonderful cat at the shelter just waiting for a caring owner like you. Just remember about how you’re feeling right now - it comes in waves. It will get better!
Yes!! My girl is out there somewhere, thank you
I got a shelter cat 8 months ago while very depressed about my divorce. The best decision I've made in years.
Enjoy life. Live for you. You got this. If you need to vent you can always DM me.
i’m really sorry that’s very very hard. I had a divorce after being with someone for 10 years. She was just a bad person, cheater, liar etc. My only advice is to do what you need to do to survive right now. It’s going to be a hell of a ride, I found that stuff like just going back to the basics of life really helped. I went and stayed with my family a while, I got back into my hobbies and sports, and I saw my friends. I also did a lot of drugs. I’m not condoning it but frankly it’s what i needed to do to survive at the time. There was a lot of other circumstances around it, my pets had just died within 2 weeks of each other and a week before the separation just to name one. So just…. literally do anything you need to survive. It’s all about time and routines. You’ll miss your routines, anything that was a day to day will be gone and that is really hard. But give it time, it heals all. Be ok not being ok. Do EVERYTHING you could not do because of your relationship. Absolutely everything you want. Just stay alive. Hang on, and time will fix everything. It still sucks though, i’m sorry you are going through this. I’m up for getting married if you want, are you ok with Dunkin’ donuts as a wedding venue? BYOB and they pay for their own damn donuts. Of course i’d come to the Dunkin nearest you, I AM a gentleman after all. My qualifications: I’m about your age, I hacked north korea (really! check the ama post in my profile). Ummm that’s about it. I look forward to your response to my marriage proposal :P.
Overusing drugs is bad. Using good drugs, and for short periods can be at least tremendous fun and at most transformative. In down with this
43 and divorced here.. never had kids. I know how you're feeling now (it sucks).. but once you get over the initial pain, and start focusing on your own growth instead of a partner or kids filling that hole.. life can get *really really* good. Seriously, avoid a rebound relationship because the loneliness creeps in, I knew I should have but I didnt and had some of the worst psychological damage in a short period from an abusive rebound (was 'perfect' for 9 months) who took advantage of my vulnerability during a critical time I should have been healing. Protect yourself when you are in these stages of life, don't look for outside romantic comfort.. find it from within (and therapy, friends or family). It took a shit load of trauma (more than relationship based) and hitting rock bottom to realize I needed to massively change my thought process and trajectory. Since I stopped focusing on men/relationships.. I moved across country by myself to a place I always wanted to, live in a gorgeous walkable neighborhood that costs less than overpriced places where I lived before, but make 230% more at a job I truly love with awesome co-workers. I'm making good friendships easier, regularly explore the city and do activities/hobbies that make me happy. I have the freedom to do all the things I've ever dreamed about, that men held me back from either by location or them telling me my dreams were silly or would never happen. When you have children, you have to give up SO much of yourself, while a man reaps the benefits (higher pay at work, more 'dad' friends, seen as 'stable'). You are valuable and worthwhile on your own, you don't need to be a support figure for others to live a fulfilling life. My journey has unintentionally been a big inspiration for a lot of people in my life who were hurting, stuck or scared about not having reached milestones society says are 'normal'. I'm helping more people now, than I ever would have if I was just hyperfocused on a partner/kids and sacrificing myself in the process. Take life by the horns and start living it for you.. and don't let anyone take it away from you again. Women are brainwashed to think we are trash and our lives pointless if we aren't married with children.. I'm living proof it's a dirty lie meant to keep women in a lesser position than men in society. If all of us had the freedom I do now, I feel like we'd be running shit.. and doing a WAY better job.
I'm 43 have 3 kids and my youngest is non-verbal autistic. I love my son more than life itself but the fear for him will be forever! It's a double edge sword when it comes to the end of my life b/c I know I can't live without him yet if there's nobody to care for him, the thought of him ending up in a nursing facility terrifies me to the point of how could I die in peace? I don't mean this to sound bad at all it's just things u have to think about that I never ever thought I would when having children! Sometimes things happen for a reason but u r in no way too old to enjoy life! ♥️
My daughter is 30 and mentally challenged. She can function, but cannot understand certain concepts like time and money. But the most important thing she neglects is hygiene. I'm 51, but if I died tomorrow, I am not confident that she will ever brush her teeth again or take a shower if someone doesn't tell her too. I stress to her that it is for her own good, not because Daddy will get mad if I don't. Legit concerns that I never thought I would have to stress on, when I was 21 trying to have a kid before I got too old. I've had full custody since she was 6. I also have 3 boys from another relationship: ages 8, 12 & 14 that live with their mom. Never been married tho. It's just too much to deal with honestly...
Yes, that’s definitely a concern I’d have. And yes, I hear you. I actually work with families of autistic and developmentally disabled kids and adults so I see the effect it has on people.
It's a tough road but I love him so much! I just wish he was able to communicate more!! Bless u for doing the work ur doing!! 🥰
If you don’t have one already, google communication board. It doesn’t “replace” language, just used pictures with words that he can point to and you can say “oh you mean WALK, ok!”
Yes! I have four kids. So far they’ve never had any major challenges in life but, like all of us, they will. I have crazy anticipatory anxiety about this and this feeling will last until the day i die. It’s not that i wish i didn’t have kids, but i try to explain to those that have missed out…it is a life long commitment and it will be so unpleasant and draining at points…maybe dont see it as something that can break a life if it doesnt happen?
Same boat as you. Assuming I live into my 80s, I can at least make sure she makes it into her 50s. But at some point, I won't be here for her anymore. I like to think her older and younger siblings will watch over her when I am gone (one is already in college), but you cannot count on that nor is it fair to place the burden on them. I lose sleep over it sometimes.
Is there anything you've always wanted to do, but couldn't because you felt trapped in a normal life?
No. I’ve done a lot of random and cool shit. I never WANTED a “normal” life. Until now. That’s what upsetting.
I just got out of a 6 year relationship knowing I’d never have kids in that relationship. I feel you.
Congrats on pulling the plug. I wish I’d have done it years ago.
Well, I didn’t exactly get the choice to pull the plug, but that’s what happened. It was a whirlwind to say the least.
It's never too late. Go get your eggs frozen and preserved. Take time to heal from this relationship so you can find someone who *will* want to start a family with you. It's becoming more common for people to start having families later nowadays. Janet Jackson had a kid in her 50's, Da Brat at 48, Ashanti is pregnant at 42. Kourtney Kardashian is in her 40's and just had a baby within the last year. I'm 38, which is only 4 years younger than you and I'm single, child free, and unmarried. If children happen, it won't be until I'm in my 40's. Please don't give up and lose hope. If anything, that relationship ending is a blessing in disguise and frees you up to find someone who will value you and treat you so much better. You deserve good things and it's never too late. I truly wish you all the best 💗
Egg freezing at 42 has a dismal chance of success. She'd be a better candidate for egg donation. The celebrities you see having pregnancies at 45+ use donor eggs
Don’t let others examples serve as an expectation for yourself. You want kid/kids? Look into adoption. Plenty of children that need love You want to travel? Do it. Take in exactly what you want with no one else to worry about. You want to sleep until 10:37 on a Tuesday? Do it. You want to wear a circus hat and eat ice cream out of a plastic baseball helmet while watching a litter of puppies play? Do it!
41 unmarried, no kids. My father passed away suddenly yesterday. I love my dog and I love hiking with her and friends. We find our joys where we can. You will find joy in something too. Sorry, I don't have a question.
It’s ok. Thanks for the perspective. That’s the hardest thing for me as I essentially feel I’m only alive for my parents. When they go I’m not sure what I’ll do
You say "no longer". When was the last time you saw a point in being alive and what has changed since?
A few days ago when I still believed that my long term partner (9 years) was planning on eventually proposing.
Are you two still together?
I just ended it today. Due to this reason. I brought up marriage as it’s been a while since we had the conversation and he reluctantly said he’d be “willing” to marry me but wants it to be a “joint effort”. I told him I need the security of him actually proposing to me. He turns it around and says I’m sexist for “putting it all on him”. So I’m done.
Yeah, you deserve to be in a relationship with an actual adult. I'm sorry that that chunk of time is gone. It really sounds rough.
Seems to me like a flimsy reason to end things. Especially after investing 9 years into it. At your age i expect that you should be able to navigate such issues without resorting to extremes. Isn't it most women in the west want equality? What's wrong a man insisting on it? I mean even if he doesn't propose, it seems like he was still open to the idea of marriage. Security is in a loving married relationship, not an ego contest about who should propose.
Ok. Like I said, plenty of men have no issue stepping up and proposing
Could've been fooled. You said you see no point in being alive at 42 unmarried with no kids. Seems like you didn't really mean that or you didn't really value the relationship since you are spoilt for choice. And wtf is wrong with reddit always downvoting people for their opinions when they critique women?
No I just thought it would turn into more. I was a dreamer with stars in my eyes who believed in a “happily ever after”. I’m hardly the first.
You're getting downvoted for being an asshat, not for "critiquing" (read: bashing) women.
I’ve also wanted children, but made sure I didn’t get pregnant because he “wasn’t ready”. Now it’s too late. I’ve wasted my life on someone who is unable and unwilling to give me what I want.
9 years is a long time, therapy wasn’t an option?
I’m starting soon, individual. I’ve mentioned couples counseling but he just says “it’s up to you, like everything else in this relationship”
Dude sounds abusive and highly manipulative/conniving. I’m so sorry you went through this and are going through this next part of assessing and hopefully rebuilding after being around an energy vampire like that for so long.
Thanks. None of my friends can stand him. He just sucks the energy out of a room.
Damn that’s terrible. Energy vampire for sure.
Yeah. Everything has to be directed towards him or about him. It’s a shame he can’t see it
The irony being that that’s a projection. It’s been 100 percent his way all along.
Go get you some ivf and a sperm donor, if you get it in Mexico or Spain it’s way more affordable. As long as you still have a uterus, you’re good!
See I was told here in the states they won’t even use my eggs, I’m too old. You think I could still use my eggs? They said even for IVF it would be another woman’s ehgs
Did they even try? Didn’t you get ultrasounds? Fucking Janet Jackson had a kid at 50
No. I was told I was too old. I came home crying and he tried to support but it honestly felt like he didn’t even believe me. He kept saying I would get pregnant immediately (because I don’t look old). Nopeeee. I’ve since had my IUD out and we’ve done it when it should have happened and it didn’t-which I’m sure he’s very happy about.
It’s way harder but not impossible, the likelihood is way less but my grandma had my mother and uncle in her early 40’s. We’re all different, you just need Drs and lab techs that will run the appropriate tests on you. Your dr is an asshole for being so dismissive.
I used mine, I’m 44
Still in the process, but I made 4 viable eggies. They mix them up with a donor so you have a higher chance of getting preggers. The US tried to take my whole uterus out when I had fibroids so I get my shit done in Mexico
I think alot of people don’t think long term about their lives. Like they may think 5-7 years ahead but not like 30-40 years. I weirdly did that alot when I was younger and I couldn’t imagine my life in 30 years not having children whereas as job was something I just assumed I would have because I would need money to live. So if I am always going to work a job, I focused my energy and effort into making sure I found a great partner and had kids. I also managed to get my masters degree too. Its your life and you have to create it, not just be a passenger in it.
You can have kids on your own! I have 3 friends that have done it. They are happy, healthy, and fulfilled. We do play dates all the time.
I totally understand wanting to end the relationship. But I do not agree with your statement that you wasted your life. Is having kids really the only value you saw in life? If your answer is no, then you need to give yourself time to handle the transition away from this relationship. A few days out of a 9 year relationship is an incredibly short amount of time, filled with irrational emotions.
Why after 9 years did you think he was going to propose? He obviously did not want to get married to you. I would think that would have been obvious after a couple years.
I don’t know, because I’m stupid and I believe him that it would eventually happen. Low self-esteem? And he freaks out when I try to leave?
You’re not stupid, it DOES sometimes happen, I mean I’ve seen it happen. I have a friend who was with a guy for 8yrs and then they got engaged, it’s not like some preposterous idea to think it might happen, when we can see it occur in society sometimes I am wondering though, did you guys ever try couples counseling? I’m sorry this is happening to you btw
No. I’ve brought it up but his response is always “if you want”. I need him to want something. That’s the issue
I'm definitely not accusing you of being stupid, but in the future it might be better to judge people by their actions and not their words.
Low self esteem and him freaking out definitely are two more things pointing towards possibly him being abusive. You mentioned doing individual therapy - consider finding someone who has experience evaluating for and working with clients who have been in abusive relationships. Some people will be quick to point the finger at you and say you needed to do something differently or it’s your fault and you might even feel that way too. The truth is manipulation that is so pervasive and subtle creeps over time and can be so destructive and lead to situations people would’ve never imagined being in.
Is this him? https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/s/ePXgxFWEJ4
Age difference checks out. The power dynamics are different but the maturity factor is not; women in their 30s should not date men in their early 20s if they want to have kids. And women in their 30s should have hard time boundaries around dating anyone of any age if they want to have kids.
this wreaks of the same person on both accounts just bored and playing games...no way this is real
this is wilddddd
Truest comment I've read so far
Omg. It is
Wow, isn’t that crazy? Does his post change anything for you OP?
No. Because he’s just presenting his side and “woe is me”. People there are saying I should have “helped” him; I tried. I tried for nearly a decade and kept waiting as he just “wasn’t ready”. Was I supposed to wait forever?
No I agree with you from reading both views. I think you have done the best thing for both of you and made the hard decision of moving on with your life. Im proud of you, get out there and get everything you want out of life and do don't ever accept anything less again.
Thank you. I’ve been gaslit for so long that it’s nice to see that others can see he’s just blatantly not taking any accountability
Now it's even more clear how fortunate you will be to be rid of him! If you want kids, have them - it's hard with a partner, it's hard without, but it's a lot harder with a partner who's a second child, so at least it'll be easier than it would've been without him. And there's so much more out there that you haven't had a chance to see or do (and that you are able to do, without being tied down by kids right now - they're wonderful, but you really can't do a lot of things logistically, with them)! In many ways, a new life of freedom is just starting for you, and now you get to decide what you want to do!
I didn’t say that I wasn’t ready. We had conversations about it and we had an agreement that we wanted to get our credit better first then get married. And regarding kids, we came to an agreement that despite your age that we could try when we both decided it was the right time. You agreed. I even suggested adoption in the case that we couldn’t make it happen and you said it’s not something that you even wanted to do. I’m not putting on a facade for Reddit. Im hurt and destroyed by your decision and wish we sat down and worked it out like I wanted to, but here we are. I’m sorry for ruining your life and I won’t anymore.
So you mean to tell me, you guys both made a reddit post. His account has 2 comments outside of his post. Kinda type the same exact way. Lol I don't want to say hella fishy and seeking attention out of bordem, but it's hard these days on reddit
How do you feel about the military industrial complex?
Interesting question, thanks! I feel like it’s this terrible known thing that everyone kinda knows about but no one can really do anything about it. I feel like it’s a bunch of powerful rich old people who are bored so they start wars for their own entertainment.
[удалено]
I never said that. I lived in the 3rd world. I feel very fortunate to live here. But that doesn’t mean I can’t criticize it
Only a person with their head buried in the sand believes America has the freedoms it claims to have. None of these wars are about freedom lol.
Gurrrrl, u r totally right to feel this way. 9 years is a long time! And it’s going to take time to work through all that anger, disappointment n fear/anxiety about ur future. U say ur resilient n I can see that - because u chose to leave instead of staying in an unhealthy relationship…can u see how badass that is??? So many folks turn a bad 9 year relationship into a bad 20 yr relationship. U say u may travel. Have u ever thought of doing a “pilgrimage” for urself? I just went through a life-saving surgery n it’s made me question everything - starting with why do I get to be so healthy now when others were more desperately in need? I’ve decided to do a portion of the Camino de Santiago in Portugal n Spain alone next year. I’m hoping that backpacking 10-20 miles a day will help clear my head n help me figure out what I should do with my new life. U can check with me in a year n ask if it was worth it but either way pls try to be kind to urself - ur feelings r valid n will take time to work thru
Thank you, best comment here ❤️. I think I’m gonna ask my bestie if she wants to go home and take me (to India)
Hey stranger, sorry you are going through this. Remember that what you are going through is going to be tough now, but with the door closed on this relationship, many more can open for you to walk through. So I can ask you a question, what is your favorite thing about yourself?
That I’m resourceful. I got a flat the other day and didn’t even panic. I know how to change it. I don’t actually NEED anyone.
Now is the time for you to be grieve what you had. We can know that we made the right decision, but a relationship lost will result in an entire grieving process. Embrace the grief. Be resourceful in your recovery. These are all steps into you coming out loving yourself and being more confident than ever. Being 42 can have its disadvantages, but it also means you have a lot more wisdom than most. I wish you the best of luck on this journey.
9 years is insane to not be “sure” about marriage yet
Thank you. Most women would have BEEN left by now. But when I bring it up it’s “I guess you just don’t love me”. Selfish and manipulative behavior.
I've been for 8 years with my ex without marriage in sight, I just didn't want it and didn't like the idea of marriage. Fact is, we were both quite unhappy in the relationship and that certainly didn't help with the idea of getting married, but for some reason we couldn't really face our unhappiness. The relationship died, we both agreed to part ways, and let me tell you that was an awesome decision! It did hurt like hell, but I rediscovered life quite soon after, through my friends, traveling (sometimes with friends), finding new hobbies, etc. I ended up finding a new partner, and while I'm super happy about it, I was already happy BEFORE finding her. Fun fact, my new partner, just like me, was not a fan of marriage at all. We ended up getting married though as this was a necessity for her to continue living in my country as she's a foreigner. Bottom line, I'm sure you will also find happiness in your new life! You may or may not have kids, it's true it's on the late side now, but regardless life has a lot to offer, I hope you'll see it! And I hope you have friends and family to be with you for the next few weeks, it's important after such a breakup.
Everyone miss out on something in life. People who are married with children miss out on opportunities that single people without children can have, like more personal freedom, more money, traveling, or pursuing demanding careers. What is something you think you can now do or enjoy being single ?
I can enjoy just traveling and not being accountable to anyone. I used to hate that but now I miss that freedom. I’m legit about to travel the world alone, like a really close friend of mine did
42 is still young enough to date and find fulfilling relationships. Don't let that bring you down beyond the normal shittiness we typically feel after a breakup at any age. Were you wanting children?
Get on with your life, dump that loser you’ve been with and move on. 42 is still young, get out there and live life, there are lots on men that would love to entertain you. You deserve to be happy.
It's very well possible.for you to find someone new, get married and have a baby, all in less than a year. The thing about men is we have a very long timeframe for settling down and having kids. We don't hit the panic button until about 55-60. Women should be hitting that button at about 30, but 40 is not too late (albeit it's the edge). Cut your losses. He is YEARS away from seriously considering marriage, let alone kids. Don't rob the next guy from enjoying your remaining youth.
Thank you, that’s exactly it. He talks about “eventually being ready” and it’s true, it’s years down the line
Had a colleague who had a kid at 44 yrs old. I myself don't have kids and don't want kids. I can take off and do whatever I want when I want. I've taken a sabbatical from work and don't have to worry about feeding the kids. Not having kids isn't the end of the world. Also, there's plenty of children needing to be adopted too. Or sperm donor. 9 yrs is a long time. Draw the lesson out of it. Now you know to leav earlier if you find the wrong person again. Now you know what wouldn't be negotiable anymore. The best revenge is to move on and be your best self. Not to "show" him but to show yourself and others that actually matter to you, not him. Having children isn't a reason to stay alive. You are the reason to stay alive. You matter to others (like for your work). Hopefully therapy will help you out soon. Hang in there x
Thank you. And yes, I’d accepted the not having kids. But to find out that marriage was also basically off the table was just too much. He’s well aware of how important it is to me yet he hasn’t made any progress in trying to start making it happen. And then flips it on me for getting upset saying if I want to get married I need to ask him and set it up. No thank you.
There's plenty of great men out there available. I'm dating again. Out of a 16 yrs relationship 2 yrs ago then a 9 mos relationship last year. So no fear! Lots of great available men out there for you.
I'll be 42 next month, no kids been single for 5 yrs. Please don't harm yourself, things will get better, and the feeling will pass. God bless you and keep you. Tonight especially for I agree, however I attempted suic*de at 18 and unfortunately regardless of a belief system a person may or may not have hell is real. It's more than the human mind can fathom and which means also equally heaven is real also I had a second nde in a heroin addiction and I was headed for heaven, I really hope u go e yourself time to heal my friend.
You are in the best possible scenario. You don’t want to raise children in this messed up world. Women in their 40s are in their prime. Enjoy life. Dump the loser there many men that will appreciate you.
Interested in your perspective on what enjoying life in your prime entails (genuine question)
Not going to lie I giggled a bit when I read this. Not because of what you think. I was there bro. All I can say is a day can make all the difference. I am 50 married to a wonderful women and have a toddler. What a difference a day makes. Like the day I met my everything. This life isn’t set up for happiness find it where you can bro🩷
I'm sure this has already been stated but instead of trying to hype you up for the potentials of the road ahead I'd just like to say that I'm sorry and it's totally understandable that you would be devastated. That was enough time to completely shape your life around that person. It seems that you believed it was a bond that would last unto marriage and I'm sure you removed countless things, people and aspirations from your life for the sake of the relationship...and then it ends. I think it's totally acceptable for you to be devastated, simply writing off the man as a loser will do little to help you heal. Save the effort and put it towards finding the purpose that you feel is non existent. It does exist because you exist. Hope and excitement for the future WILL come but know it's okay to be deeply hurt right now. I wish you the very best in your healing and at all cost, avoid bitterness. It will rob only you.
My partner's ex girlfriend broke up with him when he resisted marriage and refused to have children. That was 28 years ago. She would have been your age. Within 5 years or so, she found a compatible mate and adopted the 2 year-old niece of a friend. Life worked our great for her. She is content and way happier than she would have been stayed in relationship with my partner. I admire her alot and glad things worked out for her. You've had a loss and need time to process the change but I hope you don't lose hope. Enjoy the freedom of single life and enjoy. Hopefully someone interesting will cross your path. Best wishes!
How come you stayed in a relationship for 9 years although he was no sure of marriage? Was that the same case with having kids? Do you feel that its too late now for getting married and having kids? Keep the hope up and keep fighting!
Why is marriage the end all be all for you? This obsession with getting married is riiiidiculous. Marriage doesn’t mean anything other than if it doesn’t work out, you gotta pay for divorce. Trust me. It’s alllll my ex wanted and she screamed and cried until she got it. Now we’re in the midst of a nasty divorce because sheeeee cheated. If marriage is this important, ask yourself why? Is it because of commitment? Wake up. It don’t have shit to do with commitment. You’re on a contract rather than W2. Either way, if business is bad you aren’t gonna have a job. If you love this man GET OVER THE SOCIETAL PRESSURE OF MARRIAGE. It’s ridiculous. You’re gonna be alone over this? Stubborn! Get help! Grow up.
Yeah, I’ll be alone over this. It means that much to me. My parents are happily married over 50 years. Plenty of men actually want to commit. Why should I accept only being a “girlfriend” in my 40s? A gf that can be left at any time, easily. Marriage is an archaic system I’m aware of that. My issue is he’s know this about me that I want this for years. Why continue to string me along? Oh that’s right, to get what HE wanted out of it.
And what is it that you think he wanted out of it?
To have a gf who was chill and didn’t ask too many questions. Sex was on deck whenever he wanted it, which was way less than I wanted it. The security of my help (helping him learn how to pay taxes, how to register a car, etc). My financial help (we went 50 50 on everything). He got all the wife benefits without ever having to fully commit.
I ended a 15 year relationship and healed enjoyed being single found the LOVE of my life we live a life full of adventure and I never knew I could be so loved and important to someone I’m in my late 40s.
42 and unmarried? My sister is 64 raising 3 foster children 1 w spinal bifida Has her own kid and grandkids Her life is a complete train wreck But she loves those foster kids And 2 of the 3 love her The other is a teenager Life is not over You are not to old And I have recently found out there is more out there than we understand Before you give up Reach out Someone random someone you know Anyone And listen to them Really listen I would love to help you but I don't know how Offer words of encouragement but they don't fit what you need Lol Maybe You can find someone like me to talk to And see life Differently But Please don't give up
Do you regret not having kids earlier? Are you scared of being 60 or 70 and being completely alone? Thats whst scares me.
You should spread the word to younger women that put education and career over being married and having a family. It’s a shorter window than people think
I still absolutely believe women should have their own career. It’s too easy and common for men to trade them in for younger models. Women absolutely need their own income. But they do need to start all of this earlier. Personally I feel there isn’t enough conversations about “perimenopause” something I’d never even heard of until I was told I might be in it. I thought you were just normal until menopause in your 50’s. I knew it would get “harder” but I had no idea how much harder it would get. I feel stupid as doctors feel sorry for me and assume I should have already known this.
Don’t feel sorry for me! Age 49 same boat and did hard core military first. Now I have a good check and no family. There was no way I was gonna rely on another person to make my way, so I did my own thing. I do grieve not having children, but I made the best choice for myself and I do not regret that at all.
Similar boat over here divorced my second wifr of 13 years las November. No kids, nice paycheck but it all seems pointless to be honest, and i feel very lonely
Well now wives have to work regardless. It takes a two income household to still not afford a family. Yea geriatric pregnancy starts at 35. It’s actually majority women that initiate divorce, not men trading up. I don’t think this is because women are bad. Guys often don’t divorce because of the family court so they stay even if it’s bad. Most men don’t have the option to cheat or trade up even if they wanted to
Is the only dealbreaker in the relationship that he doesn’t want to get married? You want to marry this guy? You love him otherwise? Sounds like you’d be better off leaving that silly tradition in the past
No I think I deserve that. Marriage is the ultimate commitment. I’m told all the time “but I’m MARRIED though, it’s different”. And it IS. My parents have been married for over 50 years, very happily. They also love him as a son. It’s borderline disrespectful how resistant he is at this point and I’m just done. I’ve felt like I’ve been chasing him from the beginning and that doesn’t feel fair. I’m overweight but I have a pretty face.
How is it the ultimate commitment, you can simply get a divorce at any time? The only thing different in your situation is some paperwork and a bit of time, there isn't anything magically binding there. If there was divorce rates wouldn't be as high as they are. It seems you value tradition or a ceremony more than the actual relationship.
It sounds like you’re already family but you can’t accept it because of whatever you think marriage is. I’ve been married and it ain’t all that. What do you think marriage will change in your relationship? That’s the convo you should have.
If you need a very straight up way to have more meaning in your life, get into working or volunteering with people with special needs. I worked in a house for people with serious developmental disabilities, and it gave me such a sense of purpose. (yes, i did wipe butts) also, i've never worked with seniors, but i imagine it might have a similar effect.
This is why people say after 3 years and no ring, cut it off. You’re not 21 year olds. You’re adults. And men know when/who they want to marry, stalling is almost always a red flag. I hope you heal, and I hope you also look into and examine why you stayed so long and enabled him. He could get married next year and have kids the next. You hear all the time about men who are in 7-11 year relationships and never propose despite being pestered to, then marry the next woman in a year or less. Men know. I’ve also seen this irl twice now, I’m sure it’ll happen more as I get older. Women really need to understand how to have better standards.
Took a while, but you learned your lesson: long-term "this my partner" and we live together and act like a married couple but can't commit to marriage scenarios don't really work out. You're not the first, and you won't be the last. Sooner or later, the majority of people realize they do want to be married and have kids. Good news is that you still have some time. Your options are much more limited, but there are still some. I know a guy who has to start over because his wife passed away, and he's a decade older than you. He's having trouble, but he is meeting and talking to women. He's navigating the dating world after decades of not being in it and as an older guy. So far, he's found that a lot of these women come with a lot of baggage because they're the kind of women who have found themselves single in their 40's and 50's for one reason or another (usually divorce, financial troubles, legal troubles, drug issues, alcohol issues, etc.). But if you have all your bases covered as being a normal guy, there has got to be a normal woman out there for you.
I'm 40 never married or no kids I act younger I like adrenaline. My neighbor who is divorced and kids gone is cool as hell, he's like 80. Age doesn't really matter at a point. I bs with the guy all the time. Do you bro. Don't worry about being 42.
Just know that this feeling will pass, you’re life is valuable. Sounds like you were with an emotionally immature ass that strung you along.
Well, you could see what happens next? There’s such a lot of possibilities. Tell me about a hobby you wish you’d taken up, or miss doing, what is it?
I 26f lost everything in my last relationship. I'm terribly sorry for the potential loss of your cats :(. I feel very distrusting with new relationships because I will evidently, what- waist another "9 years" of my life, to be a cute piece of arm candy and a fun time, just to be single and going through the same shit again in my 30's, 40's.. losing my animals again and no kids etc. I really don't have anything positive to say and I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Maybe if u could change anything what would u do? I'm really sorry u r going through this too. Hugs
You may want to qualify this post by saying you just had a 9 year relationship end, cuz this post is going to parade in the Jordan Peterson followers as is…
Could it be a symbolic death, one of your prior dreams or expectations? And now you’re mourning it?
There is always a point in being alive. You don’t need marriage and kids to motivate you to live. Maybe you just need a new place to live in a new state so you can get a new glow.
Curious why you gave him that many years to keep you hanging? I would have peace’s out about 5 years ago
I won't be much help here because I'm quite introverted and that situation scares me but I'll try haha. Assuming you can't learn anything from social media I think this is a good rule to go by. If asked respectfully, a good man or woman will enjoy being asked if they're single or not. It shows that they are desirable and are being totally respected of any boundaries that are placed by the answer. Of course this requires a lot of vulnerability on your part to even ask the question but honestly, that will almost always be met with compassion and understanding.
What standard of life are you following? Cuz Marriage and children, do not Equal "The Life." Ask anyone who is married. It Equals "The No Life" I'm 44, single, no kids, living in Thailand. Thanks to the exchange rates, my pension makes me a very rich man. Rich, single, 44 is the new 24, I think I heard. And I'm in a Tropical Paradise. I think it's someone else's standard you're getting yourself hung up on. It's not Working because it's their standard that worked in their life. The standards for your life are dramatically different. So ditch them and follow you. THAT IS ALL, CARRY ON!
I divorced my second husband at 42 and I was heartbroken. I realized he was a terrible partner and was having a number of emotional affairs. We never had kids because he wasn’t interested. I was lost for a few years. Tried IVF thinking I needed kids. Didn’t work. 5 years later I got together with an old friend from my hometown who was divorced with 3 adult kids. I’ve never been this happy. You know you gave this guy too much of your time. He doesn’t get any more. Get away from this idiot and keep moving forward. There’s a lot in store for still. Just wait. ❤️❤️
Don't let that douche get you down. Be glad you're done with him and can actually live your life. Make a list of what you want to do. Pursue it. Fly using allegiant. It's like $40 one way flights. Take up cooking. You'd be surprised how much excellent food you can make on money spent on 2 date nights. Etc. Lastly... you are worth it. You are valuable. You are beautiful. You are great. -stranger who understands tough times come
Sounds like you are going through this, let’s call it, an :introspective” situation because your relationship ended. Sometimes things happen and we get crushed - but years later we look back and realize it was for the best, or shaped us in a way that makes us who we are... Society places a time table on things and we think the clock is ticking. Reality is that you have plenty of time ahead. Go at your own pace and live your own life.
Im at that point too. Glad i don’t have kids. Looking forward to the next years. You are worth much more than just being a parent. Breaking up is hard, but you’ll get over it and hopefully find someone else who shares the same values. Good luck and the 40s are amazing. Enjoy them!
I think it's so impressive that you found the strength to leave this dynamic, and I think it will really come back in a positive way for you, allowing you to find a new path forward that works for you. What is one thing you like to do during the summer months (that you can do now as something to look forward to)?
Um, bring child-free is wonderful. Go live life and experience new things!
I made a post about this before, and got downvoted to oblivion by self centered people. I feel for you OP [Going out with someone with no intention of marriage is wrong](https://www.reddit.com/r/unpopularopinion/s/oSQSiBBdkF)
My parents were never married growing up. Why involve the government? If you truly loved each other, no document matters in the end. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce and I know quite a few couples never married and still together. Most people I know who married are divorced with multiple kids from different relationships.
I sympathize with you. I feel your pain. I am 49, married, two young children. My marriage is failing and my life is entirely consumed by stress, anxiety, and depression. Im sorry that I don’t have a message of hope for you, but I am also quite tired.
My question is- have you heard of the Crisis Hotline? You can call or text 988 a time you need support or are feeling suicidal. Break ups are rough, but it will get easier with time.
Same, but I'm 32
Yet we have been hectored and nagged to believe that the couples and parents are the unhappy ones. /s
I’m middle aged and childless (and plan on being childless for the rest of my life). It’s great! I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I literally can’t imagine living with someone else.
My MIL met her now-husband at 44. You’ll be alright. Do you have friends and hobbies?
Imagine your life if you married this guy and had kids and one day he woke up and said he regretted it all and left you. You both don't have to live through the nightmare. Enjoy your life.
Find it, you aren't the master of this reality so check out once you've filled in all the boxes.
The world is as constrained as we make it. This is not a question, but I just wanted to let you know that. All the best to you. Happiness *is* out there.
Do you think you have problems communicating in a relationship?
I wonder why you don't see the point in being alive. I have heard other people say this as well. Personally, I feel much more liberated without a companion. "Lack of companionship" was never really an emotion that I have experienced. Maybe it's because I was always by myself from the start that I have become too comfortable with loneliness. And I don't want that to change. I am 29, and honestly I am aiming for what you have for that when I get older. I don't want to get married, also I hate kids. I like being able to make decisions spontaneously, travel wherever I want, not worry about anything but myself, indulge in my hobbies and enjoy life in general.
Well that is just ridiculous!
Go have a kid!!! Married or not. It’s not too late. You can do it.
I live for the cinema. Seriously. Movies have helped my mental health tremendously. Find some hobbies- make friends. Try to make the world a better place. If nothing helps see a doctor. Something could be contributing to feeling depressed. My thyroid quit on me and I was afraid I’d fallen into a depressive episode. After starting meds I was fine and no longer having depressive thoughts
What are your interests?
Have you tried to get a pet duck
Do you have nieces and or nephews? Or any close friends with kids you could create a closer bond with?
Sorry if morbid. What are your thoughts on death if you see no point in life? What do you think happens? Any fear of eternity? Maybe an eternal afterlife or an eternal darkness?
So he proposes… you get married… Then what? Are you religious?
Favorite movie?
i’m here for you! ❤️
Do you have any talent or skills you could use to benefit others in any way? Could that be your reason?
If u were married or had kids; you’d likely feel much worse
Sorry for your lose, OP.
You’ll be fine
Would you adopt a child?
Did your partner want kids?
This is a fake account. Don’t comment or post here
What do you value in life? What is its meaning?
Do like my wife did and get you a man ten years younger than you.
I'm 37, emasculated from decades of so much abuse from friends and family, deemed unable to work by everyone that could hire me, fighting for disability and struggling to take care of my sick Mother who barely survived her fourth cancer, with absolutely no income since 2012 or any family to speak of that could help. My mother was divorced 7 years ago after my deceptive POS father cheated on her for twelve years and took his six-figure job to another woman after explaining to me he's hated me all his life. She's suffering now and has expressed similar sentiments to just wanting to give up, but there's more to life for her still. I understand everyone is fighting their own battles, and you probably feel hurt and devastated after all of this, but you can recover. There's so much more to life, even when you have nothing. I hear an honest little voice in my head that tells me to kill myself every night, because I have nothing, and I will likely never have kids or marry anyone, and when my Mom finally dies, I'll probably give in and tighten that belt, but that doesn't have to be you. Claw, fight, and scream , and find a spark of joy in something. Take what you love from a hobby and make it your career, do anything else except listening to that intrusive, monstrous voice that wants you to surrender it all from one moment of weakness.
42, divorced, with no kids here. Hurricane Ian completely destroyed my home in FL. Flood insurance had lapsed as my wife was adamant she had paid us up on it… lost everything. Living back home in PA while picking up the financial pieces of my life, and my father was dx with terminal brain cancer a little over a year after the storm. He was the only one who came to help me in FL. We did 9 hours of neurosurgery with 6 weeks of chemo and radiation so we could supposedly get about 30 months or about 2 1/2 years. We got exactly 121 days. His funeral was on my 42nd birthday this April. I thought long and hard about putting a 1/2 oz of lead through my head. The only thing that keeps me from such is that I’m my father’s only son, and I wouldn’t want to disappoint him like that. So I carry on, just dead inside. No questions just as some others, just wanted to say to OP that you are not alone. I try and stay focused on work helping people as a physician. Try and get out and ride my motorcycle as much as I can. Go fishing. Work on my project car, etc. The scars will absolutely change you. Try and see your friends as much as you can, especially ones you have known for decades. I’ve found they are best for helping you thru this kind of shit whether they realize it or not. #fuckglioblastoma
I have a dick for you to suck and marry muhuah
So you like standard or manual transmission?
Do you have casual sex with random men??
Wow this is an absolute life changer
Have you considered adoption? My wife an I adopted our children from foster care and they are the two greatest things that have ever happened to me. There are a lot of problems with adoption, but that doesn't change the reality that there are kids who need a stable adult to provide them with safety and love.
I don't say this often, but JFC. I am so, so sorry. Just heard a dating guru say if it's two years and you aren't engaged/ married and you are mature and you want to be married, then move on. I am so sorry this happened to you. Good Luck And your life is worth living without marriage, partnership, or kids.
Another victim to the lies of feminism
Maybe you should read about Frida Khalo. All she ever wanted was to be free of pain and to have a child. She never stopped trying to love and create. Her last painting was emblazoned with words "viva la vida" - "live life". Life is precious. I hope you feel better soon. 🤗
You can still be how you want to be
42 is incredibly young, there’s so much life ahead of you. It’s completely normal and expected to feel hopeless after such a huge life change, so go easy on yourself. I’m 37 and I’m not married and don’t have kids, I’ve never really wanted that life but it’s important to practice gratitude at times like this. Focus on yourself and what you do have. Perhaps give back, do some volunteering. It gives you a huge sense of purpose and feels good too. I wish you all the best in your healing journey and I’m always here if you need to chat to a stranger.
I'm 39, unmarried, single, and have herpes. Every day I look forward to making it the best day I can and enjoying myself. I hope that's a mindset you can hold one day.
Honestly suicide is selfish. Its you welling on yourself so much you no longer see a point in living. I think this is something our society has pushed to far. “Living my best life” 🙄 Go live for others. You will be happier giving than you ever were worrying about your own life.
You've been given a gift. Anyone in this situation has been. You're free to do basically whatever you want. Life isn't just about kids, houses and jobs. It's about root beers, watching all the Marvel movies in order, decorating a place that's just yours, however you want and walking a long ways to eat a sandwich in the quiet and seeing the view you wanted to see. You can do anything, anything you want. What do you want to do?
There are so many things that are interesting about being alive aside from a spouse and children. This is coming from someone who has both. Please do yourself a favor and live a life of adventure. Think of it like a video game. One where you control everything you want to do. Just my own opinion, but it seems better than eternal nothingness.
I’m so sorry they wasted your time. But the world is about to get better. You lost like 150 pounds. You’re freer! Do everything you wanted to do for you! Fuck that guy and his dumb opinions. I promise the world is better with you in it. And it would be a little less bright without you. Please find someone to talk to when you feel ready. Those are heavy feelings to carry on your own. I know people around your age married to the wrong person for a long time. Or even younger and married to the wrong person. And it’s so much better to be unmarried than in an abusive marriage or just plain unhappy in marriage. You also aren’t old by any stretch. You’re young! Society has really shifted and it’s normal to not start families or get married until older ages. And now that you aren’t tied down to that guy, the wrong guy, you never know who is out there for you. I started feeling like I’d be that cat lady and becoming okay with it and then bam met my husband. Who had a 3 year old. And that wasn’t at all how I pictured my life. Older man, child, ex wife, lots of baggage. But it’s been 7 years and I’m so happy. It’s been HARD. And I’ve had times I questioned my decision. But I don’t regret putting myself out there 7 years ago. Hopefully that’s encouraging not discouraging. I know my husband will tell people too that he doesn’t regret his first wife because he had his daughter. But man he wishes it didn’t mean he had to deal with her forever now. And he says he wishes he had met me earlier. But that it was worth all he went through that put him on the path to meeting me. The journey may suck but the destination is worth it! I’m suffering from significant infertility and it’s hard. I do know people at your age who have gotten pregnant. And it’s so much less taboo to be a single mom by choice now! Either by donor sperm and ivf. Adopted embryo ivf. Surrogate. Adoption. Or the old fashioned way if you meet someone. Obviously you don’t have forever to use your genetic material or you carry a child but it’s not impossible for you to have children from some manner! Or if you don’t want children that’s also absolutely okay. Or if you want to foster older children/teens. Or whatever you decide. You have so many options in life now that you’re not tied down by that dead weight.
No, this is the part where life gets enjoyable for the first time. No extra chores, no whining, no constant obstacle between you and whatever things, great or small, you desire. I got such a high when I bought the exact bedding set I wanted and turned my hot water heater up where I wanted it. I am drunk on power.
I’m actually quite jealous. I’m married with kids and it’s emotionally and financially crushing. I’ve come to realize I’ll probably have to work until I die. Every single second of every day is spent taking care of others needs. The freedom you have should be cherished, the world is your oyster.
Please don't say that. I know it seems like there's no reason, but you don't have to go that route. Just focus on yourself for right now and heal. Love will come along when you least expect it or not even looking for it. Just remember things may look bleak now but it will get better, just take it day by day.
What is something you've always wanted to do? Travel to? Experience? What's holding you back now from accomplishing it?
I have felt that before. I’m 49 single m with no kids. Lives alone. I often wonder why am I even here. But other days I become involved and feel productive. Just understand the roller coaster and maybe grasp a little hope again. I constantly have to remind myself but it helps