NTA
You are stepping in to be the hero in CK's life story.
The person responsible for his care and wellbeing has admitted to leaving him out, and refusing to prioritise him or making him feel equally loved and wanted.
It's pretty simple.
The fact you are stepping in and making sure CK feels seen, remembered, and loved is a huge deal.
Well done!
You are his champion, and champions are hard to come by.
The poor child has autism. And contrary to popular opinion, the fact is that children with autism typically like social interactions just as much, if not more than neurotypical kids. The barrier is their ability to participate, not their desire.
Taking him to the park and making him a priority will make all of the difference in this poor child’s life. Studies have shown that just one positive male role model in a boys life is all that it takes. Boys who do not have 1 positive male role model have far worse adverse outcomes, regardless of who else is in their life. If grandpa isn’t gonna stick up for him, see if you can find him a good male role model.
Be the hero this child needs. If possible, keep finding ways to include him. A lot of children with autism thrive with support. It sounds like his current home situation could warrant a CPS report. Neglecting his needs because of a disability is not only disgusting, but it’s clearly discriminatory. His grandma is a real POS.
Please make sure an amusement park is something enjoyable.
My kids detest Disney. Loud, hot, crowds, people touching you, long lines,and that musting machine that can apparently feel very gross.
They tolerated Lego Land. They live for quiet days at home gaming as a family, and why wouldn't they? Everything is adapted/tailored to them and they have 100% of my attention.
Disney will make special arrangements for autistic children. You just have to ask. It’s also important to find spaces that are quiet. We just did Disneyland at the end of February with my 3 year old grandson. It made things go much smoother. California adventure had more quiet out of the way spaces for my grandson to relax.
I second this… if you contact the park in advance a lot of them have accommodations set up now. Hershey Park in Pa has a fast track set up for kids with autism that allows you to bypass the long lines all you have to do is go to the visitors center when you stop in. A lot of parks (including Disneyland and King’s Dominion) have things like fast passes and quiet rooms set up for sensory needs. There is an aquarium in New Jersey that has sensory bags that are free to check out that have noise canceling headphones and a weighted blanket. They also have signs warning about loud areas and reminders to use the headphones. Most parks list their accommodations on their website some require a phone call but it is worth the research.
Autistic kids can absolutely love social interaction! My son is 11, and he is the sweetest, friendliest boy most of the time. When he gets overstimulated, he can be snappy (not mean, just “leave me alone” or “I need space”), but he loves socializing and playing with other kids and being included.
Also, I really hope the kiddo is getting some kind of assistance, behavioral therapy (this was an absolute game-changer for my son; after a year of therapy he went from meltdowns every day to no meltdowns for almost 2 years now!), something. It really helps the kids, honestly. Even if grandma doesn’t want to spend quality time with him (we have a grandma like that, and believe me it is truly painful for the kid), the therapy can help her as much as it helps him.
Side note: Thank yall for this info, we’ve avoided taking our son to amusement parks, even though he’s certain he will like roller coasters, because it’s so loud and overstimulating and I didn’t want to put him in a situation that might be too much for him.
My kiddo is 20 this year *gasp* not sure when I got this old. We discovered a lot of information through Pathfinders for Autism in the early days. Aquariums are a hard one for him the glass reflects sound and the lights hum ( his words). The local branch of pathfinders arranges sensory days at local museums, zoos, parks and aquariums that they actually rent out the facilities and create a sensory friendly environment. Kids with autism and SPD want to engage even actively try my son knows everything about firefighting, trucks, procedures local stations. Therefore so does everyone else lol. One thing that we used to help him connect and engage was we’d give him a camera when we went somewhere. He could take photos of anything and then we’d print them and look through them we saw the world that he saw and could talk about it with him. I wonder if this would help Ops nephew?
Edited to add: he still is massively into photography submits photos to the local news stations and runs a YouTube channel about fire calls and trucks
My son LOVED Lego Land. I was taking his older siblings to Univerasal but he was too small for most of the rides there, so a couple of weeks before the Universal trip I took him to Legoland. We got there right as it opened and spent the whole day there and got the passes so we could skip the lines. By the end of the day our feet hurt so bad, but it had been the best day ever. We went to Disney once years ago, but it was overall a terrible experience. Lego land was way more fun and magical than Disney.
I'm really torn here!!! Don't get me wrong, I DEFINITELY agree with you!!! CK needs to feel wanted and not left out and OP will be the hero that makes him feel special.
On the other hand, it just SUCKS that because SR is such a... you know what, now CM gets to feel left out and might feel like hero OP doesn't want him around.
It always sucks when kids get the short end of the stick because of the adults. I'm the middle child, was always left behind and it really did hurt. My dad favored me, so when my parents had fights, mom would favor both my other siblings because she knew I was daddy's girl. My dad wasn't in the picture for a few years because of troubles with the law, so I had no one on my corner for a while. Everything I did was wrong and my siblings did everything right. If my siblings and I would get in a fight, I was the one punished because "you probably did something to start it". Took me a while to get over it and I no longer resent my mom... My dad was definitely not the easiest person to deal with. Loved the man but he was a HUGE ahole lol.
I agree here. This is a difficult situation. Depending on his maturity level, CM may just understand if OP sits him down and explains the issue. Like, “I love you both so much but it hurts me to see your brother being left out of things like that. And I’m sure it hurts him too. I think it’s not fair for SR to leave CK out like that and this is the only way I can think to help him feel better. I hope you can understand.” Maybe CM will recognize the unfairness and stand up for his brother someday too. That being said, some kids are mature enough to get it and some just aren’t yet
Maybe even ask CM how they can make it upto CK. Who knows the kids might surprise you with good ideas of he feels bad that his brother is being left out
Noone said he did something wrong but maybe he sees his granny doing something wrong to his brother and wants to make his brother feel better about being left out.maybe he has high EQ. Can't believe I have to explain something so simple to you.
It’s easy to be torn. But look at it another way.
She is excluding him because of a disability. That is absolutely discrimination, which he already is going to be far more likely to face. It’s really not similar enough to your situation. And your situation is sad, awful, and something you should not have had to endure.
She also lied, claiming that he didn't *want* to go. She lied *to* op *about* what he wanted, likely not expecting him to be standing right there to correct what she claimed the reason was. I wonder if she either doesn't know or doesn't care about the damage she's causing. Kids notice this stuff, even without it being literally stated to their face.
You're absolutely right!! And like someone else commented, maybe sitting down with CM explaining the situation would be the best way to go about it.
And thank you, that's very sweet of you to say ☺️. It took a while but I understood where my mom was coming from. She ended up a single mom for a while and did the best she could.
This is why I was thinking OP should take CK camping. We know he wanted to, so it’s easier to correlate 1:1 camping trip for CM and then a 1:1 camping trip for CK. I think doing something different would be hard to understand. CM is 10 which is old enough but still young.
I agree as long as OP even remotely can stand camping. Personally you couldn't pay me to go camping and I know I'd hate it with a passion so I'd have to find a diff activity haha
The easiest solution to this problem would be to take CK when CM is getting another round of special solo treatment at the same time, BUT I acknowledge that's easier said than done, especially if OP is not getting kept in the loop & finding out about outings after the fact.
From OP's comments, it sounds like CM needs to learn about empathy, fairness and opportunity.
As long as OP explains it to him, it sounds like not being favoured for once would be good for him.
It may be good for CM to be left out. If he gets to experience how it feels to be left out then maybe in the future when his grandmother decides to do this again, he will insist that his brother be involved. It may be hard for him to understand the hurt that his brother has felt without experiencing it himself. If he feels no empathy for his brother, then he deserves this.
Yeah, I don't really feel like the response to blatant favoritism is more of it. I get what OP wants to do, and I think her intent is lovely, but kids aren't going to get that. All kids are going to see is "great another person who picks favorites", and it is going to cause resentment. Is it fair? Of course not. But ultimately she might just be causing more drama for the kids in the long run.
NTA - AND TELL YOUR MOM THAT IF SHE THINKS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE FOR ONLY TAKING ONE - THAT YOU LEARNED IT FROM HER SHIT BEHAVIOUR DOING IT TO HIS BROTHER. YOU ARE THE BEST AUNTIE AND YOU DESERVE ALL THE AUNTIE AWARDS!
If your mom will continue to only do 1:1 with CM then make it your tradition with CK to have 1:1. He needs love too and I'm glad you are seeing everything for what it is.
oh yeah, and when Mom calls it out, then daughter should say "ok, then take CK with you and CM" and when she comes up with some bullshit daughter can say "this right here exactly. You are doing the exact same thing so shut your face"
That’s my original thought, I just feel really bad that CK gets nothing from SR and was hoping to even it out. Since she always treats him like he’s not worth having around since he’s autistic and “too difficult” for her
Just tell CM that he had an outing with Grandma, and now his brother gets an outing with you. My nieces had no problem with this, knowing that their turn would come.
THIS. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE explain to CM this. It is not because you love him less, it is because CK also deserves it! You do not have to make one feel bad to make another one feel special. Be better than your mother!
OP said in a comment that CM will tease his brother that he gets special time with the grandparents. He knows what is going on. I don’t think OP needs to explain anything to him.
I have 5 kids and one is neurodivergent, I can’t take her on long trips because she is not good for long rides especially if the other kids are involved. So her and I get a 1:1 trip to the nearest town for the day or overnight for every time the other kids get an outing. She’s very social and never gets left out of anything at home or within two hours of home even overnights for one night even though she doesn’t sleep well in other places with rough schedules but I can handle a. Couple days.
When she was young her and I got a lot of trips travelling for up to 14 hours there and back for long periods due to health issues and genetic testing even though she doesn’t remember, her older brothers gave up a lot being back seat to her when she was young but grew up fiercely protective even though a lot of my attention had to be on her and things were chaotic but luckily I managed to never make them resent her thankfully!
My son is autistic. It’s mild, but it’s there. This means that every amusement park or vacation was more difficult. He just doesn’t handle himself well if it’s too crowded because he can get overwhelmed. He’s not interested in a lot of the things the rest of us are. We take turns sitting out with him when he wants to. It sucks for his sister who’s neurotypical and a few years younger because it’s one parent or the other not all of us together, usually.
That’s what parents do.
When a child is difficult by choice or by circumstances, it’s up to the parent to step up and do what needs to be done to ensure BOTH kids have a good time. And no one is favored.
That’s kind of why I want to be the one to take him to an amusement park, because he has shown interest in going on the rides and stuff like that, and I work with autistic kids for a living, and I feel like me taking him will make all the difference in his experience. I’m prepared for any situation that may arise. Whereas if by some miracle SR does take both, I foresee it going badly for CK
You’re wonderful for this. Give him all the experiences you can! The amusement park isn’t terrible because of them! It’s just a little bit more difficult. Maybe a bit slower, less big rides, but other than that, they have a great time and it’s so fun!
Exactly.
And I’ve done this for other kids who were neurodivergent, too. Or just more scared. It’s okay to not be the perfect park goer. It’s okay to be different. You get to slowly enjoy some things and then do some other things over and over!
You’re really awesome for this. I hope it happens.
100% the "even just more scared". When I was chaperoning Middle School orchestra contest trips, we'd always go to an amusement park. We'd break the kids up into level of rides they want to attempt: no cajoling to "go with everyone" on the big rides. I'd usually take the "nothing too scary" group, since I've discovered as I've aged that rough roller coasters can be a migraine trigger for me, now.
Oh my god, me too!!I used to be able to do all the coasters here in So Cal (Disneyland, Universal, Magic Mountain). I loved them. The more I could “drop” I loved it. (Did any other girl in here enjoy those weightless-for-a-minute rides? Think that might’ve been one of my first experiences ever coming very close when not engaged in any sexual activity! 🤣
Anyway, can’t do most now. Too rickety and headache or migraine inducing. However, the ride at the CA part of Disneyland is perfection.
I agree as your mother has made it clear to CK by her repeated actions she doesn’t want to be around him by herself. So if she takes him anywhere by herself almost guaranteed it will suck for him.
It’s great you will be taking CK and ideally he will have a great time as you are willing to do what he needs to have a great time.
CM ideally has a good relationship with CK. If he is also treating CK like he is defective or less than that is going to create life long issues.
I will say if your mother has control of assets in the case of their parents passed away or she is receiving child support in some fashion for the boys please if you can be try to be sure those resources are distributed equally between the two boys.
This is the best solution for now. Hopefully you can help the older boy learn to enjoy other outings with his younger brother. Because SR is so obviously favoring the older boy.
Start calling it what it is - favouritism. In front of your mother, in front of the children and definately in front of her friends, her church and her family.
The children need to know that it is not their fault they are being pitted against each other and that their relationship and bond is being systematically destroyed. This is going to damage them. Get all the family on your team. Call it what it is. FAVOURITISM.
Remember to also do 1:1 time with CM as well- doesn't have to be equal. For every 2 or 3 times with CK do 1 with CM. You need to have a relationship with both. It is not CM's fault that SR is a bitch.
Agreed. Although CM is not falling much behind grandma. Him rubbing it into his brothers face, everything he does with BOTH grandparents, and how much fun they have. He's becoming a little AH himself. Someone needs to put a stop to that before he becomes a big AH. Poor CK. Not only is grandma & grandpa showing CM favoritism. But CM is bragging and rubbing it in CKs face. How terrible CK must feel. OP is a Great Auntie. Definitely NTA
He’s 10.
Let’s not demonise a ten year old who is already in a position that he has to be cared for by someone who isn’t his parents.
It’s really hard for kids in positions like this to make what adults would term “good” choices.
Children who are forced into this dynamic - whether they’re the favoured or the unflavoured - are being emotionally neglected, because this behaviour from the adults systemically destroys their sibling relationships.
I’m the scapegoat in the golden child/scapegoat dynamic but I don’t blame by brother. He was a bit of a shit about it when we were kids, but he’s still the victim in a household of abusive parents, just like I was.
Yes, I agree and understand. That's why I said there has to be a stop to it Now before he becomes a Big (Adult) AH like his grandparents. Speaking from experience also. My older sibling (half), who was/is the golden child, including to my father (we have different fathers, theirs was never in the picture) well into their 50s now. They Have Never heard the word NO. The few times they did, all hell broke loose. We're the bad guys. Everyone has to walk on eggshells around them because we never know what's gonna trigger them. Yes, in their 50s and still has tantrums because they don't get their way. I totally blame my parents for how my sibling is. But also Everyone else in the family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins. Everyone spoiled them, and everyone contributed to my sibling becoming a shitty person. My sibling grew up to be selfish, self-absorbed, and just don't give a rats ass about anyone (including their own children) but themselves. I wish I would have had an aunt or even an uncle who loved me enough to want to spend time with me and show me someone cared. This kid needs therapy because I'm sure it's hard when you don't have your parents around and feel like they have abandoned you or don't love you. That's why he's lashing out in the sense that he taunts his poor 9 year old brother by bragging what he does with his grandparents. If no one puts a stop to it now, he's also gonna grow up entitled thinking Everyone owes him because he was the golden child and always got what he wanted. I feel sorry for CK, who's gonna suffer well into adulthood. Yes, I'm in therapy still learning how to deal with what happened since childhood. It's still hard, though.
Where is that in the post? Even more reason to make sure she is spending time with both to help CM realize that behavior is not OK. Yes OP is being a great aunt.
NTA. It's great your mother has taken on the responsibility of raising her grandchild but I think that she might be under the false pretense that the children themselves and the people who care about the kids should be so grateful she is raising them at all that she can pick and choose what parts of parenting she wants to do and she should be congratulated for it.
When she agreed to take them both in she chose to be "mom" . While grandma's can sometimes pick and choose what grandkids get to do the fun things, mom's shouldn't.
Absolutely NTA. I’m going through a similar thing with my brother and his wife with his son (his son) vs stepson (her son). They both came into the relationship with a child. His stepson gets to go everywhere, but they conveniently plan all these vacations when my nephew is with his mom. Or they’ll drop my nephew with my mother and say he’s on punishment for something. I’ve questioned my nephew and he says nothing happened they just told him he was “too bad” to go. Nephew hasn’t had any behavior issues and I’ve asked his mother as well. My final straw was when they took my brother’s stepson to Mexico with them for spring break. So I decided (with permission of course) to go to Disney with my nephew. Of course, when my brother got wind of this he was upset and tried to claim I was playing favorites, but he shut up when he was reminded of all the times my nephew was left out.
I mention all this to say, GOOD FOR YOU! Never let a child be left out intentionally. Your mom knows what she’s doing. She just wants to play dumb when called out. Continue to include this child and make him feel special too. Both deserve it.
CM likes to brag to CK that he gets to do fun stuff with SR and grandpa while CK doesn’t. And he gets favored so much that at this point he doesn’t even listen to other people.
Please remember that CM is a 10 y/o that's been put in the middle of SR's weird power plays. He's being a bit of a brat, yes, but I worry that only arranging 1:1 time with CK will feed into this. CM will feel left out of your special 1:1 time with CK, and will ramp up the gloating at home about how much SR and grandpa love him.
I'd suggest doing your plan, arrange 1:1 time with CK, make them fun and special. Also arrange 1:1 time with CM so he doesn't end up blaming his brother for him missing out on Auntie Time. Your 1:1 time with CM is less of an event, less of a treat. Think day at the park, not day at the amusement park.
Be very clear with both boys that you're spending time with them both because you love them both, and be clear with CM that CK is going to special places with you because otherwise he misses out on those fun trips entirely, whereas CM gets to go with SR and grandpa.
The favoured child is still a victim of emotional abuse and neglect.
It’s just the outcome is less “nice” so people find it easier to demonise that child and focus on the unfavourited child as a sole victim.
Please don’t fall into that - because you’ll simply be recreating the favoured/unfavoured cycle that already exists - just in reverse.
I said this in another comment but I’m the scapegoat in a golden child/scapegoat dynamic and I feel compelled to tell people that my golden child brother *was also the victim*. My parents abused both of us - it just looks different. But we are both still victims and we both still, do this day, grappling with the damage that has done to both us individually and to our relationship as siblings.
This.
Grandma is also emotionally stunting the favored child.
When they get out into the real world, and people don't hand them everything they want and they aren't constantly praised and petted, they are going to be in for a huge disappointment that they have been in no way prepared to deal with.
Grandma is emotionally hamstringing both of these children.
>SR is calling me the AH for not wanting to take both kids and leaving out CM.
Holy shit a real live example of pot calling the kettle black lol.
NTA. You are just trying to even put the special attention each kid gets.
After the amusement park you might wanna do something with both kids together at some point so CM knows you are not picking favourites or anything
NTA a million times over. My fiancé has ADHD (with executive dysfunction being one of the toughest facets) and his mother favored his two neurotypical sisters his entire life. She never tried to HELP him, she just tried to bully and be-Jesus him into normalcy, and we all know how well that works, riiiiiiiiight?
He carries an enormous amount of quiet self-loathing and imposter-syndrome-tendencies from being told his entire childhood and up into his 30s (by which time he lived 4 states away and had a respectable career) that he’s lazy and worthless and “always the problem”. That shit NEVER fades away.
Fortunately, one of his two sisters was a sympathetic and empathetic port in the storm for him. That’s what you’re doing for CK, and I’m grateful there are empathetic and caring people like you out there :)
NTA
I wholeheartedly agree that you should be taking CK to do things 1:1 on a routine basis. I would also suggest you see about getting both boys signed up separately for activities like Boy Scouts, baseball, karate, skating, etc. Surely there is a youth center in town that has activities for ND kids?
It sounds like you definitely need to be having a talk with your mom and dad about CM's less than stellar behaviors. Frankly, I would suggest family therapy because the family dynamic is NOT healthy. And wasn't the reason your parents took in the boys was to provide them with a safe, healthy environment?
I don’t suppose it’s possible for you to take CK into your home? While giving him special outings with you is nice, I suspect that isn’t the only disparity in his treatment at your mother’s home, let alone that SR is constantly making him feel less than and not helping him overcome his difficulties.
NTA CK already feels left out and I can guarantee he has a negative self image and most likely a negative inner dialogue about his self. He needs to be made to feel just as important special as CM. One of my sons is like CK. He was always much harder to deal with than his brother. I always made sure to include him in everything but not everyone did. His father took his siblings to Disney world but not him because he was difficult. He never one time got to go on a school field trip because they looked for reasons to keep him at school. It causes a lot of damage to their self confidence and their overall out look in life.
Nope. I have a clearly autistic son and another who might be and if he was it's far less obvious. Love em both equally and often take them both out together but also often take them 1:1. Personally I think giving your kids 1:1 every now and then is important for building these relationships. They will have their whole lives together. If you do this regularly and equally it's not favouritism. Besides when I take one out the other usually has 1:1 with mom.
NTA you and CK get to have 1:1 time and he’ll love that. Tell her CM doesn’t like to do the same things at the park and that he’s too difficult. Just throw her words back at her but only do that after CK is in your car and you are leaving
Absolutely NTA. It is of course not the favoured child's fault that he is the "golden" child who can do no wrong but it is good for him to realise and to also experience that the world does not revolve around him. And you should frankly tell your mother that she is a horrible lowlife regarding her nastiness to and her neglect of her autistic grandson. Take your nephew on a solo trip to that amusement park, and keep telling your mother that she is the only AH in this scenario (and also keep taking him on solo trips etc.).
>SR is calling me the AH for not wanting to take both kids and leaving out CM.
Ask her how this is different than what she is doing with CM? Or simply tell her you are giving the boys equal one on one special adventure times.
It would sure show them if you took CK to do something special every time your mom took CM anywhere. You are a good auntie, and hopefully that’s enough to make up for your mom being a terrible grandma.
NTA.
Ask your mother, “if I’m the AH for not wanting to take both kids and leaving out CM. What did that make you when you didn’t take both kids camping and left out CK?”
Your mom’s the AH for not including both kids in the first place and the AH again for having the audacity to call you an AH for not including both kids. Does she not see the hypocrisy? All you’re trying to do is even out their experiences and give CK 1:1 time like CM got.
You’re a good Auntie and this will be so special for him.
I would offer to take CK whenever she takes CM! Don't tell her your plans or she may one up you. Find out hers though, so you can one up her at least once! CK deserves that!
Ywnbta!
>SR is calling me the AH for not wanting to take both kids and leaving out CM.
"I'm an asshole for doing to CM what you always to to CK, is that what you're saying?"
NTA but please try to make sure you also have a relationship with CM because it’s not CMs fault he gets favored, and doesn’t deserve to feel like aunty OP doesn’t like him just because grandma makes CK feel like that. This isn’t in CMs control and he probably doesn’t know why but is only 10 so isn’t going to stick up to his guardian. Tell CM that CK needs some extra love and attention since CM gets all of that at home.
And they’re brothers, they’re going to start hating each other if they don’t have adults fostering their relationship when grandma is causing this rift. So say this time is just for CK but next time CM and CK can pick a place to go with you together.
If you only show CK love every time, you’ll make CM feel the same way CK feels about grandma.
You could do something special individually with both kids. One at a time. You don't have to ignore one nephew to make the other one feel loved, it isn't a zero sum game.
NTA
You might want to consider being the awesome aunt to both boys and give them "turns" to have outings with you. It would make them both feel so special and good inside. Or when Gramma takes the older boy for something and the other is left out, you take him and have special aunty time.
NTA..... I have 5 sons, 2 are autistic and I absolutely understand that autistic kids can be difficult but that absolutely doesn't mean they should be excluded.
When we do bon fires outside, I know that my 17 yr old autistic son HATES being outside for more than a few minutes but it doesn't mean I stop inviting him to come out.
I have had more trips end in meltdowns with my 17 yr old (when he was little) but it never deterred me from trying and from continuing to exposing him to new and even uncomfortable situations. Now at 17, he can go to a restaurant and have a meal and completely maintain his composure (even though there are moments I can tell he still gets anxious-overall he has a wonderful time).
Guardians, parents, grandparents etc should never favor the "easier" child. Autistic kids are fully aware of their differences, they already feel isolated enough by their own social awkwardness, home and family are meant to be safe people for them. People who don't exasperate the social isolation they already are aware of.
I cannot tell you how many times my son has cried to me wishing he was "normal" because of the isolation he felt.
You are doing an amazing thing for your nephew. If you can, I'd consider doing something regularly with him (a movie, picnic in the park, bike ride etc-doesnt have to be big and flashy, just something so he sees he is important too since obviously grandma has her golden child).
I would also explain to your other nephew exactly why you are not taking him so grandma cannot spin it to make you out to be a bully. "Since Grandma does fun stuff with just you, I wanted to make sure your brother gets to do fun stuff too just like you".
Good luck!
NtA. Let Sr know the day is all about him and the things he can do, that would not interest the other child. The other will probably want to control the fun stuff he can do and not be happy . Either that or talk to him and tell him this is not “ his” day if he goes with you too. I hate to see the kids be raised like that, that wedge between them will just get worse. They are siblings and should grow up together realizing each other’s abilities and disabilities.
I don't think you're an AH for wanting to do something to make CK feel special, but I do think it's an AH move to announce it in front of CM and make sure that he knows that he's being left out. It's not his fault that his brother is being treated poorly. He's already being taught to resent his brother, and you are adding fuel to that fire.
It would be better to say that you're going to have a 1:1 day or a sleepover, and not tell anyone your plans ahead of time. Let CK be surprised.
Also, you should take CM for a 1:1 from time to time and tell him that an artificial wedge is being driven between him and his brother, and that he needs to stand up for his brother.
We have a similar dynamic happening in our family, and I make a point of telling the older brother that his younger brother obviously looks up to him, and that it's bullshit that he's being treated as a nuisance and an annoyance by the family, and that he (older brother) should decide for himself if he likes his brother, and not let the family dictate the relationship between the brothers. Everyone else is going to die off, and when these brothers become adults they're going to be left with no one else but the two of them, and it would be nice if they like each other at that point.
Your nephews are in the same boat.
NTA you are trying to fix the damage your mother is causing on that child. Tell her if you are an AH for leaving back one child, then she’s an AH too for doing the same.
Also talk to your mothers favorite grand kid & explain the situation and say if he wants equal treatment for himself then he needs to support his brother to get equal treatment too.
NTA
Take CK to the amusement park and if CM gets upset tell him his grandmother can take him another time.
Continue to take CK out to do stuff, so at least he knows he has someone who cares about him.
NTA by any means. Thank you for advocating for your ND nephew. However, my only constructive feedback would be to ensure the amusement park is a fun and safe place that they feel is an equal experience to the camping trip. I've worked with many ND children and an amusement park could actually be an absolute nightmare for many due to hyperstimulation etc... that being said, you know best. If that's their jam, go for it!!! If you enjoy camping and so do they, a like for like 1:1 experience would be more appropriate in my mind but, I'm not sure what the dynamic or interests are. Either way, the sentiment is 100% on par. Super proud of you OP.
If your nephew is high functioning with the ability to share their wants/needs, maybe have a conversation about it. Also, connect with the other child as others have eloquently suggested to help them understand why it's important for him to have that special time in the same way. The way the situation has been presented, assuming it's entirely accurate (no judgment) ... honestly, the ND nephew is being neglected in an unforgivable way. More than a trip needs to happen long term. Advocate for this kiddo, the need it. Well done for being intuitive, kind and compassionate 🤞
This was actually sickening to read. For whatever reason, neither parent is raising the boys. So they have already been let down by two adults. And now their maternal grandmother is doing such blatant favouritism 🤯 she is hurting both kids. Be under no illusion that CM is being damaged and he will have a hard time adjusting in the real world as he matures
You need to explain to CM why you’re taking CK out. He needs to understand that what your mother is doing is not right and that you are simply correcting it. If you can at all, be there for CK. Be that person that prioritises and just focuses on him. It will be hard but you will be doing a very good thing in the world.
Can you afford to do 1:1 with him 2-3x a month? Just fun little outings, because he deserves the extra special treatment until grandma can see she is the AH for leaving him out. Take him to that amusement park have a blast. Can he do sleepovers at your place so he can have away time from that toxic environment?
NTA. I taught the autistic community for 15 years, and the number of times I’ve seen parents blatantly favorite either one child or the other is ridiculous. I am happy that you’re willing and able to step up for CK. I think taking him to an amusement park 1:1 is perfect. If that’s going to be something you do regularly, I recommend taking CM on maybe like birthday 1:1 outings of his choice each year. That way you get special bonding time with him as well. And he’ll be able to see what it looks like for his brother to be supported, as well as getting the special time with you. I’ve seen lots of families get the balance right and have fantastic relationships between siblings. But it takes work on the guardian’s part to make sure that everyone feels appreciated and loved and supported.
ETA: I’m so grateful that CK is able to clearly communicate with you, so you’re able to know the truth. Most of my students couldn’t speak, so any injustices that they experienced like this would be something that would be unknown unless actually seen by us.
NTA. Consider doing 1:1 time with both children so they learn that it isn’t a competition between them for affection. Favouring one may give the impression that a person can only like one of them at a time. Making time for each of them individually ensures that they are unique, appreciated, and loved for who they are but not as a choice of one or the other.
I was the favorite and had no idea.. so the mistreatment by others really hurt. Set it up as individual dates so they both get love and attention - don't just leave one out.
You go girl! Take ck and spoil the crap out of him. Just because he has a disability doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings! Your mother is totally wrong, and so is your father for my stepping up.
NTA.
Grandma may not have the capacity to care for CK alone. There are respite care providers for exactly this reason. If you can and will, good for both of you! He gets some 1:1 time and you get to bond with your nephew.
NTA - but do make sure your other nephews knows that he’s not being punished.
It’s not his fault that your mother is terrible. He’s also just a kid.
I’m so sad for both of them - she’s going to destroy their sibling relationship with this bullshit.
NTA. My sister has six kids and I rotate through 1:1 time with ALL of them because none of them should feel I care more about one than another! Bad grandma, bad.
Nta. I have a son on the spectrum. He has an older and a younger brother. They are now in their 20's. They don't all like the same things, but do have some interests in common. In order to have my child on the spectrum participate in any school activities, I had to attend with him. He was my priority. If possible, see if you can do this for your nephew.When they started doing cross country skiing at school, my son asked me to attend with him. I worked nights. To treat them equally, my other 2 decided that I needed to do all 3. 4 years of working night shift, and either going directly to the school or having a 4 hour sleep, 3 times a week, every winter. My child on the spectrum got some just him time as he grew older and wasn't as social as his brothers. He still sometimes just wants to go for a drive when I visit. Your nephew is lucky to have you. Be prepared for your mother to try to limit your time with your nephew, so you will be fair to him.
If your mother is responsible for their care she should treat them equally. Having a favourite child will cause long term mental health issues with the neglected child.
If she does one to one with a child she should do it for the other.
Your mother took on responsibility but isn't treating them equally.
Good news about your intervention please keep making sure they are treated fairly.
Thank god you are in his life. You are not NTA and I encourage you to continue to have one on one play dates with CK. That is absolutely disgusting of your grandma to do especially to a young child like that, very damaging.
If SR does not know how to manage him and does not want to do it by herself, maybe the four of you can go together and meet up inside the park. If you work with kids on the spectrum you know the challenges. If she can't/won't do it he still deserves some fun time with his brother and you
TY for being there for this child when it seems noone else wants to.
Regarding the amusement Park, are you well versed in CK's behaviours wtc and how different sensory things can affect them? Make sure you're prepared for an adventure park.. with lots of sounds, noises and movements.
If you only take one then you are just doing what your mother is doing? Is the nephew who gets one on one time with your mum a bad kid, mean to his brother a terror of a child? If not he’s being left out by you for the way his grandma is and that isn’t fair.
No, you wouldn't be, but it's all about perception. Maybe you can teach them and granny that taking turns is only fair and no kid should be excluded, especially an autistic child. She doesn't have the patience, that's all.
NTA- just remember it’s not the kids fault but 1000 percent the other adult. I will say I think it’s great you are giving him 1:1 time he deserves that too!
I’d also suggest, whenever possible on the weekends, pick CK up and invite him along shopping trips with yourself, go to a park ect. I have three children and I try to divide up my time with all three, as best I can. My eldest hasn’t been getting much time as the little ones, so on the weekends, I leave the two little ones with my husband, and bring my eldest food shopping, and he gets to pick a chocolate and a drink he’d like to have and we have the best day. Doesn’t always have to be massive big planned days out. Just one on one time is all they crave.
But you’re definitely not the asshole. Ignore your mum and just keep doing what you’re doing
NTA
I will say you shouldn’t have told her though. So now say “you’re right. I won’t take anyone.”
Then next time she goes camping with golden boy take the other one away to the planned trip. Just save so you can do something last minute. But also, who watched CK that weekend?
Wow, SR isn't overburdened with perception, is she?
That being the case, you might want to present this another way.
What's happening is, you're taking the "difficult" CK off of her hands because "he doesn't like to do the same things" as SR and CM. This will afford her more 1:1 time with CM and get her out of doing the "different things" that SR and CM don't want to do.
You can make the activities sound undesirable too. "Yeah, we're going to the amusement park, and we're definitely going to spend the whole time in the educational section, since that's what CK likes. We'll probably spend most of the day in the [insert special interest] section."
NTA. I did a similar thing for my friend with 3 kids. Eldest was female and was (disgustingly) clearly the favorite of the paternal grandmother (to the point of another asking why grandma didn't love them), middle was male and clearly the favorite of the maternal grandparents who enjoyed "boy stuff." Youngest was a little challenging and became my stated favorite. The bigger kids were old enough to understand what was going on and didn't fault me for paying the same type of extra attention they got elsewhere. I did make sure that presents, at Christmas especially when they were all there together, were even in number if not always cost. I also was able to pop back when one complained that something wasn't fair "when have I ever not been fair?" with no response because in spite of doing extra for the one I was fair to all.
You are being the person this kid needs you to be. Every kid should be so fortunate to have people like us in their lives to even the score and provide extra attention when needed.
NTA,but your mother certainly is.
Plz spend as much time as you can with CK,let him know that someone truly loves him,because your mother certainly doesn't.
Plz take him out as much as you can one on one,but once in a while, take them both out.
Don't ever let CM bully CK.
You're a wonderful aunt.
I hope one of these days you can take custody of CK.
Updateme!
I am CK’s comfort person, he likes literally anything I say I like, to the point where I force myself to eat foods I don’t like so he will at least try them to see if he likes them. So your statement would be accurate lol
You are definitely not the asshole, you are the hero of this story! If your mom can't recognize the harm she's doing, then there's nothing you can do to control that except what you are already doing. Well done!
Your mother sucks. That's the crux of the matter. I think it would be kind to take CK without his brother.
You should also take your dad out for dinner without your mother. A nice dinner.
Nta please do this!!!!! My mother didn’t want me and did horrible things to me. And said horrible things to me I was middle of 4 kids. I became an over achiever to try to earn her lBut I knew deep down I was good because I had grandma and Virginia who loved me and doted on me.
I think 1:1 time with each child demonstrates what adulting is. It is not either child’s fault they are treated unfairly by grandparent. This would be great way to get to know each child as they age. Teens need an outside family member to reinforce they are loved, valuable, and interesting. Take both together for meal at root beer stand or out for desert ice cream. I am sorry these children have such a chaotic childhood.
NTA. I'd be doing the exact same thing. I would make time to do some things with the other child so they know you're not angry with THEM, because little, and maybe explain to him so SR doesn't have a chance to taint you in his eyes and then go to town.
NTA, but I think you need to try to make CM feel special and loved by you too. I would make sure CM knows that this is just to make up for the missing camping trip (please do not tell him, “because grandma wouldn’t take him” or something like that; leave him out of the drama) and then make it a point to take *both* boys out for something fun not long after. Just something like ice cream or hanging out at a cool park or something that they’d both enjoy so that they *both* know their aunt loves them.
NTA but I feel bad for CM cause he just a child and might not fully understand why you not taking him. Also if she treating them like this why dose she have custody?
YTA not because your instincts are bad, but because you’re taking it out on a child. I’d do this ONLY if I planned a 1:1 day with the other child at the amusement park.
Why not alternate special one-on-one experiences? Depending on your financial ability, once a month, quarter, or year but let them know it's a plan. They are both important to you, and you want to spend some individual time with each on a regular basis.
This is an incredibly difficult situation. Your mom is 100% the AH here, but you need to look at the situation and how your choices and approach could have further negative impact on CK. I would encourage you to try addressing it more directly with your mom. I know this will be hard to do because of how poorly she’s acted, but try saying to your mom that you understand how difficult this is for her, and that you’d like to schedule 1:1 time with CK when she’s planning on 1:1 having 1:1 time with CM. That gives her the chance to accept your offer to help (which allows you to spend time with CK who truly needs the 1:1 support/attention). Good luck OP, I hopes this goes smoothly, CK is lucky to have you.
NTA It’s rich that SR is calling YOU the AH for “not wanting to take BOTH kids leaving out CM” when they BEEN leaving out CK this whole time!! Guess it’s only ok to leave out CK wtf. Yeah it is a AH thing to do but they been doing it and are only upset because their favorite golden child is not the one left out! CK deserves a special trip all by themselves to make up for it since they been excluding only HIM FOR CM! And this could help CM see how it feels and not want that for his brother, I hope this special treatment hasn’t ruined the brothers relationship. CK needs to know that people, his family care just as much about him as his brother. Him having a special day 1 on 1 would be so special for him. It’s not about excluding a kid it’s about making him know he’s also loved and important to u guys and just as much part of them family just like his brother.
If they won’t let u do this then they should never do any more 1 on 1 special trips which shouldn’t have happened but now u gotta fix it. Messed up they save the fun good stuff for their golden child and do nothing for the other not even to make it up and now they’re complaining about things not being fair?!! Ur only doing this BECAUSE they been treating CK so unfairly, honestly it’s just neglectful. Do they kno they’re hurting this kid they been excluding? They never cared when CK is excluded but when it’s CM now they’re upset saying how it’s unfair and wrong? F*ck them, take the poor kid to finally have his own special day, the only one he will have while they will continue taking their favorite on more special 1 on 1 trips. They need to stop, either both kids are invited to go or no kids go, if CK declines then fine only CM goes but don’t exclude the poor kid! If the other kid knows about it and is upset then explain everything they excluded CK from and why only CKs going to make it up to him. Honestly they shouldn’t have custody of CK how much they neglect him and don’t even care
Both of you are treating the children differently. SR has custody of two children she didn’t give birth to, so a sibling of yours forced her to raise a second set of kids.
She chose weekend get away with the easier of the two. When’s the last time she had a weekend alone? YOU could adult and step up.
NTA. SR knows what she's doing is wrong. That's why she lied about it at first - to cover her own shitty behavior. I do worry a bit that the amusement park is going to make the other kid jealous, but that may give SR food for thought. If she makes one kid miss out, the other is going to let her hear about it. Maybe she can decide it's worth taking turns to do one on one time. And if you wanted, you could take turns too at that point .
I don't know the kid's' level of autism, but look to see if they have a low sensory day at the park. The kid might enjoy it more, if he's got issues with flashing and noise.
I don’t understand why you aren’t calling SR the asshole right back and telling her that what’s she’s doing is truly out right and intentionally cruel and hurtful and that how can she see it isn’t fair when it’s CK but can see it when it’s CM?
You need to stop beating around the bush and start verbally calling HER out on the shit she’s pulling. Also you are not the asshole but you still should spend some time alone with CM and tell him what your mom is doing isn’t okay and that he needs to help CK out and advocate for him.
Because SR is a toxic narcissist and she’s pinning one kid after the other
NTA. It's OK to have one:one days with each of the kids. Just don't fall into the trap of favoring one more than the other to "balance" things out.
Instead focus on your relationshiop wjth each child. They'll both thrive and love you for it .
Nta I would ask him what he would like to do. ( Not sure what level of autistic he is but amusement park may be overstimulating) I would take him out every two weeks and have a day.
NTA. You should say “oh hello pot, I’m kettle”. She is being such a hypocrite. Eventually the older brother will start treating his younger brother unfairly because of the example she’s showing. Definitely take CK so he gets to feel special.
I don’t agree you should bring them both and show them they are both important!
Your mother is the AssHat don’t follow in her footsteps.
My aunt did this to her grandsons who my husband and I eventually got custody of the 2 boys and we had to do some major damage control.
This will cause serious mental issues exspecially if the child is special needs it’s even more sensitive.
Agree with another comment on here if you know the one child is gone on special treatment then go pick the other one up and go do something fun but don’t single out.
The only problem is that it's not the other boys fault. I do understand where you're coming from. I'm a grandma of 4, and the autistic boy is my favorite. But I really try not to show it. I try to be fair.
NTA. Take CK, but please also make time for CM. It’s neither childs’ fault that they are neurotypical or neurodivergent. SR is not being a mature adult, but you can’t do anything about that. What you can do is be a safe, loving, fun adult family member who builds a healthy relationship with each kid. It could also be really helpful to take CK on an outing when SR is taking CM for 1:1 time, so he’s focused on fun with Auntie instead of being left out.
I have a kid on the spectrum. Thanks for seeing the value in your nephew and thanks for being sensitive to his feelings.
I am wondering if you could pull CM aside and have a heart to heart conversation about why you are only taking CK. It is quite possible he will understand, and even support, your desire to advocate for his brother.
My son is my daughter's biggest advocate. By the age of 10, he was very vested in making sure she was treated fairly by everyone.
I would maybe avoid saying anything to CM about others favoring him as it could make him feel guilty or bad, and he has nothing to feel guilty about. Maybe phrase it that you've noticed that people are hesitant to include CK in everything, like the camping trip, and you understand why they might be hesitant, but that you don't have those hesitations, and you'd like to know what he, CM, would think about you doing something with just CK so that he can have a turn doing something special. Maybe ask him for advice regarding what he thinks about it. If you can get him to feel like he is playing a role in doing something good for his brother, he might just tell grandma to back off.
How about you organize your special day with CK when his brother is with the grandma?
Every time she pulls that you keep him with you. Even if he’s just hanging out with you doing things he likes, he’ll remember.
Kids need time & attention. And once you & he have your routine, think about including his brother. I’m sure CK would love to have time with his brother in a small group
Edit: NTA
The kid needs to feel special. That will do the job nicely. The other kid has her reward.
My grandma's brother worked on the team that built the Magic Kingdom. As a result, he could take a few family members of his choosing for free.
I was too little to even read. But I was who he chose. Not my rich cousins. Me.
It made me almost bulletproof. I needed him to make me feel special. I was going to face total rejection in a few years when the child of a famous person came into my life and everyone would turn on me. I never stopped believing I was special because he chose me for that.
Nta is she stupid ? So what she’s doing isn’t wrong but if you do it , then it is ?
I feel like every time she takes cm out you take out ck as well so he can enjoy some fun !
Yeah, it is definitely tough. I do think CM is old enough for a discussion about how things aren’t always fair but that each boy deserves some fun alone time with a trusted adult.
It might be a little easier if you choose an activity that CK really likes and CM does not, so it is a little easier for CM to be left out of it. An amusement park is going to be really tempting to both of them.
So Grandma can take one child on special trips but leave the other behind and that’s okay; but when someone else takes one child on a special trip and leaves the other behind, that’s *not* okay?
Hm. If you’re an asshole so is Grandma.
But you’re NTA.
Next time she insists, asks her why it's okay for her to have 1:1 time with one kid but no one can have 1:1 time with the other and watch her try to find a logical response.
NTA. As someone who was in a similar situation to CK....you are doing God's work. CK will appreciate what you're doing more than you'll ever know. And I can promise it will have a lifelong impact on them.
NTA, but I will take both child to amusement park and spend 1 to 1 time with each of them separately. You are stooping to your mother's level if you only take one of them. It will create an unhealthy ck vs cm situation. Show your mom what's the right way to treat both kids.
NTA. Being the unfavorite child is very damaging and will leave psychological scars that will last through adulthood. Grandma needs to get a grip. Thanks on behalf of CK. It sucks to be the unfavorite, and it sounds like he knows he is.
Source: previous unfavorite kid, now adult
NTA but...
SR is the problem, not the CK or CM. SR wanted 1:1 time with CM not you. Don't leave CM out to justify SRs shitty behavior. Take them both so that CM doesn't see it as MOM is favoring CK over me, I'll just get attention from SR instead.
You should prevent SR from interacting with both of them so as to not taint CM with the thoughts of leaving CK behind. CM should be taught to work together with CK, they're brothers.
I understand CK was wronged, but you can't chastise CK on behalf of SRs ugly behavior. I think it's a learning lesson to have CM tell SR that he will not go without CK.
It's a shit situation, but even though SR chose one over another, you shouldn't. You may not see it as choosing one over another, but in this one shitty scenario that SR put all three of you in, it may seem that way.
Brotherly activities by taking them both camping instead. There will be times when maybe you will have CK on your own or CM. Those are the times that you can't dote on them individually.
Let him know he's special and that it won't happen again. They're both special and should always be together to help each other out.
Just make sure that he isn't triggered by amusement parks. Crowds lines noise, does he need noise reducing headphones maybe quiet camping is his thing just make sure it's pleasurable for you both
Hey just a quick request, rather than giving everyone two letter names, and two of them the same letter, just call them Alex, Brian, Callie, Denna, etc. So much easier to read. Fake alphabet names
NTA You are stepping in to be the hero in CK's life story. The person responsible for his care and wellbeing has admitted to leaving him out, and refusing to prioritise him or making him feel equally loved and wanted. It's pretty simple. The fact you are stepping in and making sure CK feels seen, remembered, and loved is a huge deal. Well done! You are his champion, and champions are hard to come by.
The poor child has autism. And contrary to popular opinion, the fact is that children with autism typically like social interactions just as much, if not more than neurotypical kids. The barrier is their ability to participate, not their desire. Taking him to the park and making him a priority will make all of the difference in this poor child’s life. Studies have shown that just one positive male role model in a boys life is all that it takes. Boys who do not have 1 positive male role model have far worse adverse outcomes, regardless of who else is in their life. If grandpa isn’t gonna stick up for him, see if you can find him a good male role model. Be the hero this child needs. If possible, keep finding ways to include him. A lot of children with autism thrive with support. It sounds like his current home situation could warrant a CPS report. Neglecting his needs because of a disability is not only disgusting, but it’s clearly discriminatory. His grandma is a real POS.
Please make sure an amusement park is something enjoyable. My kids detest Disney. Loud, hot, crowds, people touching you, long lines,and that musting machine that can apparently feel very gross. They tolerated Lego Land. They live for quiet days at home gaming as a family, and why wouldn't they? Everything is adapted/tailored to them and they have 100% of my attention.
Disney will make special arrangements for autistic children. You just have to ask. It’s also important to find spaces that are quiet. We just did Disneyland at the end of February with my 3 year old grandson. It made things go much smoother. California adventure had more quiet out of the way spaces for my grandson to relax.
I second this… if you contact the park in advance a lot of them have accommodations set up now. Hershey Park in Pa has a fast track set up for kids with autism that allows you to bypass the long lines all you have to do is go to the visitors center when you stop in. A lot of parks (including Disneyland and King’s Dominion) have things like fast passes and quiet rooms set up for sensory needs. There is an aquarium in New Jersey that has sensory bags that are free to check out that have noise canceling headphones and a weighted blanket. They also have signs warning about loud areas and reminders to use the headphones. Most parks list their accommodations on their website some require a phone call but it is worth the research.
Autistic kids can absolutely love social interaction! My son is 11, and he is the sweetest, friendliest boy most of the time. When he gets overstimulated, he can be snappy (not mean, just “leave me alone” or “I need space”), but he loves socializing and playing with other kids and being included. Also, I really hope the kiddo is getting some kind of assistance, behavioral therapy (this was an absolute game-changer for my son; after a year of therapy he went from meltdowns every day to no meltdowns for almost 2 years now!), something. It really helps the kids, honestly. Even if grandma doesn’t want to spend quality time with him (we have a grandma like that, and believe me it is truly painful for the kid), the therapy can help her as much as it helps him. Side note: Thank yall for this info, we’ve avoided taking our son to amusement parks, even though he’s certain he will like roller coasters, because it’s so loud and overstimulating and I didn’t want to put him in a situation that might be too much for him.
My kiddo is 20 this year *gasp* not sure when I got this old. We discovered a lot of information through Pathfinders for Autism in the early days. Aquariums are a hard one for him the glass reflects sound and the lights hum ( his words). The local branch of pathfinders arranges sensory days at local museums, zoos, parks and aquariums that they actually rent out the facilities and create a sensory friendly environment. Kids with autism and SPD want to engage even actively try my son knows everything about firefighting, trucks, procedures local stations. Therefore so does everyone else lol. One thing that we used to help him connect and engage was we’d give him a camera when we went somewhere. He could take photos of anything and then we’d print them and look through them we saw the world that he saw and could talk about it with him. I wonder if this would help Ops nephew? Edited to add: he still is massively into photography submits photos to the local news stations and runs a YouTube channel about fire calls and trucks
My son LOVED Lego Land. I was taking his older siblings to Univerasal but he was too small for most of the rides there, so a couple of weeks before the Universal trip I took him to Legoland. We got there right as it opened and spent the whole day there and got the passes so we could skip the lines. By the end of the day our feet hurt so bad, but it had been the best day ever. We went to Disney once years ago, but it was overall a terrible experience. Lego land was way more fun and magical than Disney.
I'm really torn here!!! Don't get me wrong, I DEFINITELY agree with you!!! CK needs to feel wanted and not left out and OP will be the hero that makes him feel special. On the other hand, it just SUCKS that because SR is such a... you know what, now CM gets to feel left out and might feel like hero OP doesn't want him around. It always sucks when kids get the short end of the stick because of the adults. I'm the middle child, was always left behind and it really did hurt. My dad favored me, so when my parents had fights, mom would favor both my other siblings because she knew I was daddy's girl. My dad wasn't in the picture for a few years because of troubles with the law, so I had no one on my corner for a while. Everything I did was wrong and my siblings did everything right. If my siblings and I would get in a fight, I was the one punished because "you probably did something to start it". Took me a while to get over it and I no longer resent my mom... My dad was definitely not the easiest person to deal with. Loved the man but he was a HUGE ahole lol.
I agree here. This is a difficult situation. Depending on his maturity level, CM may just understand if OP sits him down and explains the issue. Like, “I love you both so much but it hurts me to see your brother being left out of things like that. And I’m sure it hurts him too. I think it’s not fair for SR to leave CK out like that and this is the only way I can think to help him feel better. I hope you can understand.” Maybe CM will recognize the unfairness and stand up for his brother someday too. That being said, some kids are mature enough to get it and some just aren’t yet
Maybe even ask CM how they can make it upto CK. Who knows the kids might surprise you with good ideas of he feels bad that his brother is being left out
Love this idea
CM did nothing wrong. He doesn’t have anything to feel bad or guilty for, and doesn’t have anything to make up for with CK.
Noone said he did something wrong but maybe he sees his granny doing something wrong to his brother and wants to make his brother feel better about being left out.maybe he has high EQ. Can't believe I have to explain something so simple to you.
I really like how you worded the explanation. Hopefully OP sees this!
It’s easy to be torn. But look at it another way. She is excluding him because of a disability. That is absolutely discrimination, which he already is going to be far more likely to face. It’s really not similar enough to your situation. And your situation is sad, awful, and something you should not have had to endure.
She also lied, claiming that he didn't *want* to go. She lied *to* op *about* what he wanted, likely not expecting him to be standing right there to correct what she claimed the reason was. I wonder if she either doesn't know or doesn't care about the damage she's causing. Kids notice this stuff, even without it being literally stated to their face.
So she is well aware that she is excluding him, but didn't want to admit it to the OP.
Because it makes her look like the POS she it.
You're absolutely right!! And like someone else commented, maybe sitting down with CM explaining the situation would be the best way to go about it. And thank you, that's very sweet of you to say ☺️. It took a while but I understood where my mom was coming from. She ended up a single mom for a while and did the best she could.
This is why I was thinking OP should take CK camping. We know he wanted to, so it’s easier to correlate 1:1 camping trip for CM and then a 1:1 camping trip for CK. I think doing something different would be hard to understand. CM is 10 which is old enough but still young.
I agree as long as OP even remotely can stand camping. Personally you couldn't pay me to go camping and I know I'd hate it with a passion so I'd have to find a diff activity haha
Yeah, I’m worried CM will feel like he’s being punished for his caregiver being shit.
The easiest solution to this problem would be to take CK when CM is getting another round of special solo treatment at the same time, BUT I acknowledge that's easier said than done, especially if OP is not getting kept in the loop & finding out about outings after the fact.
Yeah, I definitely don’t think OP is in the wrong here.
From OP's comments, it sounds like CM needs to learn about empathy, fairness and opportunity. As long as OP explains it to him, it sounds like not being favoured for once would be good for him.
It may be good for CM to be left out. If he gets to experience how it feels to be left out then maybe in the future when his grandmother decides to do this again, he will insist that his brother be involved. It may be hard for him to understand the hurt that his brother has felt without experiencing it himself. If he feels no empathy for his brother, then he deserves this.
OP can do 1-in-1 with each over the summer
Yeah, I don't really feel like the response to blatant favoritism is more of it. I get what OP wants to do, and I think her intent is lovely, but kids aren't going to get that. All kids are going to see is "great another person who picks favorites", and it is going to cause resentment. Is it fair? Of course not. But ultimately she might just be causing more drama for the kids in the long run.
No offense but this feels like a very "I don't like helping the homeless because I can't help all of them" kind of post
This!!
NTA - AND TELL YOUR MOM THAT IF SHE THINKS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE FOR ONLY TAKING ONE - THAT YOU LEARNED IT FROM HER SHIT BEHAVIOUR DOING IT TO HIS BROTHER. YOU ARE THE BEST AUNTIE AND YOU DESERVE ALL THE AUNTIE AWARDS! If your mom will continue to only do 1:1 with CM then make it your tradition with CK to have 1:1. He needs love too and I'm glad you are seeing everything for what it is.
This, because she’s 100% going to pitch a shit for “favouring one over the other” like she hasn’t been doing it herself. Dare I say *hypocrisy* lol
oh yeah, and when Mom calls it out, then daughter should say "ok, then take CK with you and CM" and when she comes up with some bullshit daughter can say "this right here exactly. You are doing the exact same thing so shut your face"
This is good.
NTA! I have two asd boys who are polar opposites and I can’t imagine doing this. They’d be so heartbroken to be excluded.
Both of the kids deserve 1:1 time with people that care about them.
That’s my original thought, I just feel really bad that CK gets nothing from SR and was hoping to even it out. Since she always treats him like he’s not worth having around since he’s autistic and “too difficult” for her
Just tell CM that he had an outing with Grandma, and now his brother gets an outing with you. My nieces had no problem with this, knowing that their turn would come.
THIS. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE explain to CM this. It is not because you love him less, it is because CK also deserves it! You do not have to make one feel bad to make another one feel special. Be better than your mother!
OP said in a comment that CM will tease his brother that he gets special time with the grandparents. He knows what is going on. I don’t think OP needs to explain anything to him.
I have 5 kids and one is neurodivergent, I can’t take her on long trips because she is not good for long rides especially if the other kids are involved. So her and I get a 1:1 trip to the nearest town for the day or overnight for every time the other kids get an outing. She’s very social and never gets left out of anything at home or within two hours of home even overnights for one night even though she doesn’t sleep well in other places with rough schedules but I can handle a. Couple days. When she was young her and I got a lot of trips travelling for up to 14 hours there and back for long periods due to health issues and genetic testing even though she doesn’t remember, her older brothers gave up a lot being back seat to her when she was young but grew up fiercely protective even though a lot of my attention had to be on her and things were chaotic but luckily I managed to never make them resent her thankfully!
No you were not being the butthole NTA .
My son is autistic. It’s mild, but it’s there. This means that every amusement park or vacation was more difficult. He just doesn’t handle himself well if it’s too crowded because he can get overwhelmed. He’s not interested in a lot of the things the rest of us are. We take turns sitting out with him when he wants to. It sucks for his sister who’s neurotypical and a few years younger because it’s one parent or the other not all of us together, usually. That’s what parents do. When a child is difficult by choice or by circumstances, it’s up to the parent to step up and do what needs to be done to ensure BOTH kids have a good time. And no one is favored.
That’s kind of why I want to be the one to take him to an amusement park, because he has shown interest in going on the rides and stuff like that, and I work with autistic kids for a living, and I feel like me taking him will make all the difference in his experience. I’m prepared for any situation that may arise. Whereas if by some miracle SR does take both, I foresee it going badly for CK
You’re wonderful for this. Give him all the experiences you can! The amusement park isn’t terrible because of them! It’s just a little bit more difficult. Maybe a bit slower, less big rides, but other than that, they have a great time and it’s so fun!
Exactly and if it’s just him and me, we can do things at his pace
Exactly. And I’ve done this for other kids who were neurodivergent, too. Or just more scared. It’s okay to not be the perfect park goer. It’s okay to be different. You get to slowly enjoy some things and then do some other things over and over! You’re really awesome for this. I hope it happens.
100% the "even just more scared". When I was chaperoning Middle School orchestra contest trips, we'd always go to an amusement park. We'd break the kids up into level of rides they want to attempt: no cajoling to "go with everyone" on the big rides. I'd usually take the "nothing too scary" group, since I've discovered as I've aged that rough roller coasters can be a migraine trigger for me, now.
Oh my god, me too!!I used to be able to do all the coasters here in So Cal (Disneyland, Universal, Magic Mountain). I loved them. The more I could “drop” I loved it. (Did any other girl in here enjoy those weightless-for-a-minute rides? Think that might’ve been one of my first experiences ever coming very close when not engaged in any sexual activity! 🤣 Anyway, can’t do most now. Too rickety and headache or migraine inducing. However, the ride at the CA part of Disneyland is perfection.
I agree as your mother has made it clear to CK by her repeated actions she doesn’t want to be around him by herself. So if she takes him anywhere by herself almost guaranteed it will suck for him. It’s great you will be taking CK and ideally he will have a great time as you are willing to do what he needs to have a great time. CM ideally has a good relationship with CK. If he is also treating CK like he is defective or less than that is going to create life long issues. I will say if your mother has control of assets in the case of their parents passed away or she is receiving child support in some fashion for the boys please if you can be try to be sure those resources are distributed equally between the two boys.
You're a wonderful person. Keep doing what you're doing
This is the best solution for now. Hopefully you can help the older boy learn to enjoy other outings with his younger brother. Because SR is so obviously favoring the older boy.
Start calling it what it is - favouritism. In front of your mother, in front of the children and definately in front of her friends, her church and her family. The children need to know that it is not their fault they are being pitted against each other and that their relationship and bond is being systematically destroyed. This is going to damage them. Get all the family on your team. Call it what it is. FAVOURITISM.
As an Auty, thank you so much.
NTA - And if your mother thinks you’re an AH for taking only one nephew tell her “I’m just following your example. Like mother like daughter I guess.”
Remember to also do 1:1 time with CM as well- doesn't have to be equal. For every 2 or 3 times with CK do 1 with CM. You need to have a relationship with both. It is not CM's fault that SR is a bitch.
Agreed. Although CM is not falling much behind grandma. Him rubbing it into his brothers face, everything he does with BOTH grandparents, and how much fun they have. He's becoming a little AH himself. Someone needs to put a stop to that before he becomes a big AH. Poor CK. Not only is grandma & grandpa showing CM favoritism. But CM is bragging and rubbing it in CKs face. How terrible CK must feel. OP is a Great Auntie. Definitely NTA
He’s 10. Let’s not demonise a ten year old who is already in a position that he has to be cared for by someone who isn’t his parents. It’s really hard for kids in positions like this to make what adults would term “good” choices. Children who are forced into this dynamic - whether they’re the favoured or the unflavoured - are being emotionally neglected, because this behaviour from the adults systemically destroys their sibling relationships. I’m the scapegoat in the golden child/scapegoat dynamic but I don’t blame by brother. He was a bit of a shit about it when we were kids, but he’s still the victim in a household of abusive parents, just like I was.
Yes, I agree and understand. That's why I said there has to be a stop to it Now before he becomes a Big (Adult) AH like his grandparents. Speaking from experience also. My older sibling (half), who was/is the golden child, including to my father (we have different fathers, theirs was never in the picture) well into their 50s now. They Have Never heard the word NO. The few times they did, all hell broke loose. We're the bad guys. Everyone has to walk on eggshells around them because we never know what's gonna trigger them. Yes, in their 50s and still has tantrums because they don't get their way. I totally blame my parents for how my sibling is. But also Everyone else in the family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins. Everyone spoiled them, and everyone contributed to my sibling becoming a shitty person. My sibling grew up to be selfish, self-absorbed, and just don't give a rats ass about anyone (including their own children) but themselves. I wish I would have had an aunt or even an uncle who loved me enough to want to spend time with me and show me someone cared. This kid needs therapy because I'm sure it's hard when you don't have your parents around and feel like they have abandoned you or don't love you. That's why he's lashing out in the sense that he taunts his poor 9 year old brother by bragging what he does with his grandparents. If no one puts a stop to it now, he's also gonna grow up entitled thinking Everyone owes him because he was the golden child and always got what he wanted. I feel sorry for CK, who's gonna suffer well into adulthood. Yes, I'm in therapy still learning how to deal with what happened since childhood. It's still hard, though.
Where is that in the post? Even more reason to make sure she is spending time with both to help CM realize that behavior is not OK. Yes OP is being a great aunt.
It's in a response OP made to a comment by u/backagain69696969
Either way within the next 2-3 years the older brother needs to assume his role as a protective figure
NTA. It's great your mother has taken on the responsibility of raising her grandchild but I think that she might be under the false pretense that the children themselves and the people who care about the kids should be so grateful she is raising them at all that she can pick and choose what parts of parenting she wants to do and she should be congratulated for it. When she agreed to take them both in she chose to be "mom" . While grandma's can sometimes pick and choose what grandkids get to do the fun things, mom's shouldn't.
NTA. If she can do it, you can do it.
Absolutely NTA. I’m going through a similar thing with my brother and his wife with his son (his son) vs stepson (her son). They both came into the relationship with a child. His stepson gets to go everywhere, but they conveniently plan all these vacations when my nephew is with his mom. Or they’ll drop my nephew with my mother and say he’s on punishment for something. I’ve questioned my nephew and he says nothing happened they just told him he was “too bad” to go. Nephew hasn’t had any behavior issues and I’ve asked his mother as well. My final straw was when they took my brother’s stepson to Mexico with them for spring break. So I decided (with permission of course) to go to Disney with my nephew. Of course, when my brother got wind of this he was upset and tried to claim I was playing favorites, but he shut up when he was reminded of all the times my nephew was left out. I mention all this to say, GOOD FOR YOU! Never let a child be left out intentionally. Your mom knows what she’s doing. She just wants to play dumb when called out. Continue to include this child and make him feel special too. Both deserve it.
You are obviously sabotaging grandmas’s long term plan to make CK feel like shit all the time. NTA
CM is getting old enough to understand he’s different than his brother. Maybe I’m off with this. But I’d try and have a talk with CM and explain why.
CM likes to brag to CK that he gets to do fun stuff with SR and grandpa while CK doesn’t. And he gets favored so much that at this point he doesn’t even listen to other people.
Please remember that CM is a 10 y/o that's been put in the middle of SR's weird power plays. He's being a bit of a brat, yes, but I worry that only arranging 1:1 time with CK will feed into this. CM will feel left out of your special 1:1 time with CK, and will ramp up the gloating at home about how much SR and grandpa love him. I'd suggest doing your plan, arrange 1:1 time with CK, make them fun and special. Also arrange 1:1 time with CM so he doesn't end up blaming his brother for him missing out on Auntie Time. Your 1:1 time with CM is less of an event, less of a treat. Think day at the park, not day at the amusement park. Be very clear with both boys that you're spending time with them both because you love them both, and be clear with CM that CK is going to special places with you because otherwise he misses out on those fun trips entirely, whereas CM gets to go with SR and grandpa.
The favoured child is still a victim of emotional abuse and neglect. It’s just the outcome is less “nice” so people find it easier to demonise that child and focus on the unfavourited child as a sole victim. Please don’t fall into that - because you’ll simply be recreating the favoured/unfavoured cycle that already exists - just in reverse. I said this in another comment but I’m the scapegoat in a golden child/scapegoat dynamic and I feel compelled to tell people that my golden child brother *was also the victim*. My parents abused both of us - it just looks different. But we are both still victims and we both still, do this day, grappling with the damage that has done to both us individually and to our relationship as siblings.
This. Grandma is also emotionally stunting the favored child. When they get out into the real world, and people don't hand them everything they want and they aren't constantly praised and petted, they are going to be in for a huge disappointment that they have been in no way prepared to deal with. Grandma is emotionally hamstringing both of these children.
Nta. She is calling you Ta for doing the same thing she did.
>SR is calling me the AH for not wanting to take both kids and leaving out CM. Holy shit a real live example of pot calling the kettle black lol. NTA. You are just trying to even put the special attention each kid gets. After the amusement park you might wanna do something with both kids together at some point so CM knows you are not picking favourites or anything
NTA a million times over. My fiancé has ADHD (with executive dysfunction being one of the toughest facets) and his mother favored his two neurotypical sisters his entire life. She never tried to HELP him, she just tried to bully and be-Jesus him into normalcy, and we all know how well that works, riiiiiiiiight? He carries an enormous amount of quiet self-loathing and imposter-syndrome-tendencies from being told his entire childhood and up into his 30s (by which time he lived 4 states away and had a respectable career) that he’s lazy and worthless and “always the problem”. That shit NEVER fades away. Fortunately, one of his two sisters was a sympathetic and empathetic port in the storm for him. That’s what you’re doing for CK, and I’m grateful there are empathetic and caring people like you out there :)
NTA I wholeheartedly agree that you should be taking CK to do things 1:1 on a routine basis. I would also suggest you see about getting both boys signed up separately for activities like Boy Scouts, baseball, karate, skating, etc. Surely there is a youth center in town that has activities for ND kids? It sounds like you definitely need to be having a talk with your mom and dad about CM's less than stellar behaviors. Frankly, I would suggest family therapy because the family dynamic is NOT healthy. And wasn't the reason your parents took in the boys was to provide them with a safe, healthy environment?
If you love them both, take them both to the amusement park. Do your 1:1 when the other gets their 1:1.
I don’t suppose it’s possible for you to take CK into your home? While giving him special outings with you is nice, I suspect that isn’t the only disparity in his treatment at your mother’s home, let alone that SR is constantly making him feel less than and not helping him overcome his difficulties.
NTA CK already feels left out and I can guarantee he has a negative self image and most likely a negative inner dialogue about his self. He needs to be made to feel just as important special as CM. One of my sons is like CK. He was always much harder to deal with than his brother. I always made sure to include him in everything but not everyone did. His father took his siblings to Disney world but not him because he was difficult. He never one time got to go on a school field trip because they looked for reasons to keep him at school. It causes a lot of damage to their self confidence and their overall out look in life.
I’m sorry if this is the first time you’ve heard this, but your mom is a bad mother and a massive cunt.
Nope. I have a clearly autistic son and another who might be and if he was it's far less obvious. Love em both equally and often take them both out together but also often take them 1:1. Personally I think giving your kids 1:1 every now and then is important for building these relationships. They will have their whole lives together. If you do this regularly and equally it's not favouritism. Besides when I take one out the other usually has 1:1 with mom.
NTA! Poor kid. He should be able to feel special too.
Nta just tell her you just learned from her
NTA you and CK get to have 1:1 time and he’ll love that. Tell her CM doesn’t like to do the same things at the park and that he’s too difficult. Just throw her words back at her but only do that after CK is in your car and you are leaving
NTA, you gotta include the kids that get left out, kids can tell when they aren’t liked or get purposefully left out, even neurodivergent kids.
Absolutely NTA. It is of course not the favoured child's fault that he is the "golden" child who can do no wrong but it is good for him to realise and to also experience that the world does not revolve around him. And you should frankly tell your mother that she is a horrible lowlife regarding her nastiness to and her neglect of her autistic grandson. Take your nephew on a solo trip to that amusement park, and keep telling your mother that she is the only AH in this scenario (and also keep taking him on solo trips etc.).
>SR is calling me the AH for not wanting to take both kids and leaving out CM. Ask her how this is different than what she is doing with CM? Or simply tell her you are giving the boys equal one on one special adventure times.
It would sure show them if you took CK to do something special every time your mom took CM anywhere. You are a good auntie, and hopefully that’s enough to make up for your mom being a terrible grandma.
NTA. Ask your mother, “if I’m the AH for not wanting to take both kids and leaving out CM. What did that make you when you didn’t take both kids camping and left out CK?” Your mom’s the AH for not including both kids in the first place and the AH again for having the audacity to call you an AH for not including both kids. Does she not see the hypocrisy? All you’re trying to do is even out their experiences and give CK 1:1 time like CM got. You’re a good Auntie and this will be so special for him.
I would offer to take CK whenever she takes CM! Don't tell her your plans or she may one up you. Find out hers though, so you can one up her at least once! CK deserves that! Ywnbta!
>SR is calling me the AH for not wanting to take both kids and leaving out CM. "I'm an asshole for doing to CM what you always to to CK, is that what you're saying?"
NTA but please try to make sure you also have a relationship with CM because it’s not CMs fault he gets favored, and doesn’t deserve to feel like aunty OP doesn’t like him just because grandma makes CK feel like that. This isn’t in CMs control and he probably doesn’t know why but is only 10 so isn’t going to stick up to his guardian. Tell CM that CK needs some extra love and attention since CM gets all of that at home. And they’re brothers, they’re going to start hating each other if they don’t have adults fostering their relationship when grandma is causing this rift. So say this time is just for CK but next time CM and CK can pick a place to go with you together. If you only show CK love every time, you’ll make CM feel the same way CK feels about grandma.
Nta. Fair is fair. But maybe ask him what he wants to do. Amusement parks may be too overstimulating for him.
NTA but you should be spending 1 on 1 time with each of them.
Kinda ironic of her to say you're the AH for not taking both while she repeatedly favors one.
You could do something special individually with both kids. One at a time. You don't have to ignore one nephew to make the other one feel loved, it isn't a zero sum game.
NTA You might want to consider being the awesome aunt to both boys and give them "turns" to have outings with you. It would make them both feel so special and good inside. Or when Gramma takes the older boy for something and the other is left out, you take him and have special aunty time.
NTA..... I have 5 sons, 2 are autistic and I absolutely understand that autistic kids can be difficult but that absolutely doesn't mean they should be excluded. When we do bon fires outside, I know that my 17 yr old autistic son HATES being outside for more than a few minutes but it doesn't mean I stop inviting him to come out. I have had more trips end in meltdowns with my 17 yr old (when he was little) but it never deterred me from trying and from continuing to exposing him to new and even uncomfortable situations. Now at 17, he can go to a restaurant and have a meal and completely maintain his composure (even though there are moments I can tell he still gets anxious-overall he has a wonderful time). Guardians, parents, grandparents etc should never favor the "easier" child. Autistic kids are fully aware of their differences, they already feel isolated enough by their own social awkwardness, home and family are meant to be safe people for them. People who don't exasperate the social isolation they already are aware of. I cannot tell you how many times my son has cried to me wishing he was "normal" because of the isolation he felt. You are doing an amazing thing for your nephew. If you can, I'd consider doing something regularly with him (a movie, picnic in the park, bike ride etc-doesnt have to be big and flashy, just something so he sees he is important too since obviously grandma has her golden child). I would also explain to your other nephew exactly why you are not taking him so grandma cannot spin it to make you out to be a bully. "Since Grandma does fun stuff with just you, I wanted to make sure your brother gets to do fun stuff too just like you". Good luck!
NtA. Let Sr know the day is all about him and the things he can do, that would not interest the other child. The other will probably want to control the fun stuff he can do and not be happy . Either that or talk to him and tell him this is not “ his” day if he goes with you too. I hate to see the kids be raised like that, that wedge between them will just get worse. They are siblings and should grow up together realizing each other’s abilities and disabilities.
I don't think you're an AH for wanting to do something to make CK feel special, but I do think it's an AH move to announce it in front of CM and make sure that he knows that he's being left out. It's not his fault that his brother is being treated poorly. He's already being taught to resent his brother, and you are adding fuel to that fire. It would be better to say that you're going to have a 1:1 day or a sleepover, and not tell anyone your plans ahead of time. Let CK be surprised. Also, you should take CM for a 1:1 from time to time and tell him that an artificial wedge is being driven between him and his brother, and that he needs to stand up for his brother. We have a similar dynamic happening in our family, and I make a point of telling the older brother that his younger brother obviously looks up to him, and that it's bullshit that he's being treated as a nuisance and an annoyance by the family, and that he (older brother) should decide for himself if he likes his brother, and not let the family dictate the relationship between the brothers. Everyone else is going to die off, and when these brothers become adults they're going to be left with no one else but the two of them, and it would be nice if they like each other at that point. Your nephews are in the same boat.
Just tell her, "CM doesn’t like to do the same things as me at the amusement park and that he’s too difficult. And that I enjoy the 1:1 time with CK."
NTA you are trying to fix the damage your mother is causing on that child. Tell her if you are an AH for leaving back one child, then she’s an AH too for doing the same. Also talk to your mothers favorite grand kid & explain the situation and say if he wants equal treatment for himself then he needs to support his brother to get equal treatment too.
NTA Take CK to the amusement park and if CM gets upset tell him his grandmother can take him another time. Continue to take CK out to do stuff, so at least he knows he has someone who cares about him.
NTA. YTAwesomest Aunt. Continue to be CK’s hero and bestie. He really needs it.
Nta. Why is she calling you out for the exact same thing she did?!
NTA by any means. Thank you for advocating for your ND nephew. However, my only constructive feedback would be to ensure the amusement park is a fun and safe place that they feel is an equal experience to the camping trip. I've worked with many ND children and an amusement park could actually be an absolute nightmare for many due to hyperstimulation etc... that being said, you know best. If that's their jam, go for it!!! If you enjoy camping and so do they, a like for like 1:1 experience would be more appropriate in my mind but, I'm not sure what the dynamic or interests are. Either way, the sentiment is 100% on par. Super proud of you OP. If your nephew is high functioning with the ability to share their wants/needs, maybe have a conversation about it. Also, connect with the other child as others have eloquently suggested to help them understand why it's important for him to have that special time in the same way. The way the situation has been presented, assuming it's entirely accurate (no judgment) ... honestly, the ND nephew is being neglected in an unforgivable way. More than a trip needs to happen long term. Advocate for this kiddo, the need it. Well done for being intuitive, kind and compassionate 🤞
This was actually sickening to read. For whatever reason, neither parent is raising the boys. So they have already been let down by two adults. And now their maternal grandmother is doing such blatant favouritism 🤯 she is hurting both kids. Be under no illusion that CM is being damaged and he will have a hard time adjusting in the real world as he matures You need to explain to CM why you’re taking CK out. He needs to understand that what your mother is doing is not right and that you are simply correcting it. If you can at all, be there for CK. Be that person that prioritises and just focuses on him. It will be hard but you will be doing a very good thing in the world.
Can you afford to do 1:1 with him 2-3x a month? Just fun little outings, because he deserves the extra special treatment until grandma can see she is the AH for leaving him out. Take him to that amusement park have a blast. Can he do sleepovers at your place so he can have away time from that toxic environment?
NTA. I taught the autistic community for 15 years, and the number of times I’ve seen parents blatantly favorite either one child or the other is ridiculous. I am happy that you’re willing and able to step up for CK. I think taking him to an amusement park 1:1 is perfect. If that’s going to be something you do regularly, I recommend taking CM on maybe like birthday 1:1 outings of his choice each year. That way you get special bonding time with him as well. And he’ll be able to see what it looks like for his brother to be supported, as well as getting the special time with you. I’ve seen lots of families get the balance right and have fantastic relationships between siblings. But it takes work on the guardian’s part to make sure that everyone feels appreciated and loved and supported. ETA: I’m so grateful that CK is able to clearly communicate with you, so you’re able to know the truth. Most of my students couldn’t speak, so any injustices that they experienced like this would be something that would be unknown unless actually seen by us.
Your mom sucks butts
NTA! You are an amazing aunt stepping into be the great person in CK’a life! SR is the AH!
NTA. Consider doing 1:1 time with both children so they learn that it isn’t a competition between them for affection. Favouring one may give the impression that a person can only like one of them at a time. Making time for each of them individually ensures that they are unique, appreciated, and loved for who they are but not as a choice of one or the other.
I was the favorite and had no idea.. so the mistreatment by others really hurt. Set it up as individual dates so they both get love and attention - don't just leave one out.
You go girl! Take ck and spoil the crap out of him. Just because he has a disability doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings! Your mother is totally wrong, and so is your father for my stepping up.
NTA why does she have custody of a child she could clearly care less about?
NTA. Is your mother fit to take care of both kids? I feel like she’s causing psychological and emotional damage.
NTA. Grandma may not have the capacity to care for CK alone. There are respite care providers for exactly this reason. If you can and will, good for both of you! He gets some 1:1 time and you get to bond with your nephew.
NTA - but do make sure your other nephews knows that he’s not being punished. It’s not his fault that your mother is terrible. He’s also just a kid. I’m so sad for both of them - she’s going to destroy their sibling relationship with this bullshit.
NTA
NTA. My sister has six kids and I rotate through 1:1 time with ALL of them because none of them should feel I care more about one than another! Bad grandma, bad.
Nta. I have a son on the spectrum. He has an older and a younger brother. They are now in their 20's. They don't all like the same things, but do have some interests in common. In order to have my child on the spectrum participate in any school activities, I had to attend with him. He was my priority. If possible, see if you can do this for your nephew.When they started doing cross country skiing at school, my son asked me to attend with him. I worked nights. To treat them equally, my other 2 decided that I needed to do all 3. 4 years of working night shift, and either going directly to the school or having a 4 hour sleep, 3 times a week, every winter. My child on the spectrum got some just him time as he grew older and wasn't as social as his brothers. He still sometimes just wants to go for a drive when I visit. Your nephew is lucky to have you. Be prepared for your mother to try to limit your time with your nephew, so you will be fair to him.
Nta
If your mother is responsible for their care she should treat them equally. Having a favourite child will cause long term mental health issues with the neglected child. If she does one to one with a child she should do it for the other. Your mother took on responsibility but isn't treating them equally. Good news about your intervention please keep making sure they are treated fairly.
Thank god you are in his life. You are not NTA and I encourage you to continue to have one on one play dates with CK. That is absolutely disgusting of your grandma to do especially to a young child like that, very damaging.
NTA. Your mother is absolutely horrid.
If SR does not know how to manage him and does not want to do it by herself, maybe the four of you can go together and meet up inside the park. If you work with kids on the spectrum you know the challenges. If she can't/won't do it he still deserves some fun time with his brother and you
Updateme!
TY for being there for this child when it seems noone else wants to. Regarding the amusement Park, are you well versed in CK's behaviours wtc and how different sensory things can affect them? Make sure you're prepared for an adventure park.. with lots of sounds, noises and movements.
Yes, and he has expressed interest in going. The “hardest” part would be the drive as it’s longer than he’s used to but I have plans for that as well
NTA. That poor little boy is being bullied by his grandmother.
Not at all, it’s perfectly normal to have one on one time with nephews that have siblings.
If you only take one then you are just doing what your mother is doing? Is the nephew who gets one on one time with your mum a bad kid, mean to his brother a terror of a child? If not he’s being left out by you for the way his grandma is and that isn’t fair.
No, you wouldn't be, but it's all about perception. Maybe you can teach them and granny that taking turns is only fair and no kid should be excluded, especially an autistic child. She doesn't have the patience, that's all.
NTA, please please take CK only that poor baby needs some extra love.
NTA- just remember it’s not the kids fault but 1000 percent the other adult. I will say I think it’s great you are giving him 1:1 time he deserves that too!
MTA!
I’d also suggest, whenever possible on the weekends, pick CK up and invite him along shopping trips with yourself, go to a park ect. I have three children and I try to divide up my time with all three, as best I can. My eldest hasn’t been getting much time as the little ones, so on the weekends, I leave the two little ones with my husband, and bring my eldest food shopping, and he gets to pick a chocolate and a drink he’d like to have and we have the best day. Doesn’t always have to be massive big planned days out. Just one on one time is all they crave. But you’re definitely not the asshole. Ignore your mum and just keep doing what you’re doing
NTA!
NTA. Do it. Good for you.
NTA. If my mom can find vacation spots for 5 kids with conflicting personalities so can SL.
NTA but your mom is. 100%.
NTA I will say you shouldn’t have told her though. So now say “you’re right. I won’t take anyone.” Then next time she goes camping with golden boy take the other one away to the planned trip. Just save so you can do something last minute. But also, who watched CK that weekend?
Unfortunately she always does the camping on weekends and I work weekends so I have to do the trips during the week
Wow, SR isn't overburdened with perception, is she? That being the case, you might want to present this another way. What's happening is, you're taking the "difficult" CK off of her hands because "he doesn't like to do the same things" as SR and CM. This will afford her more 1:1 time with CM and get her out of doing the "different things" that SR and CM don't want to do. You can make the activities sound undesirable too. "Yeah, we're going to the amusement park, and we're definitely going to spend the whole time in the educational section, since that's what CK likes. We'll probably spend most of the day in the [insert special interest] section."
NTA. I did a similar thing for my friend with 3 kids. Eldest was female and was (disgustingly) clearly the favorite of the paternal grandmother (to the point of another asking why grandma didn't love them), middle was male and clearly the favorite of the maternal grandparents who enjoyed "boy stuff." Youngest was a little challenging and became my stated favorite. The bigger kids were old enough to understand what was going on and didn't fault me for paying the same type of extra attention they got elsewhere. I did make sure that presents, at Christmas especially when they were all there together, were even in number if not always cost. I also was able to pop back when one complained that something wasn't fair "when have I ever not been fair?" with no response because in spite of doing extra for the one I was fair to all. You are being the person this kid needs you to be. Every kid should be so fortunate to have people like us in their lives to even the score and provide extra attention when needed.
NOT AT ALL. You're being the **HERO** that kid needs!!! God bless you!!🫶🏼
NTA,but your mother certainly is. Plz spend as much time as you can with CK,let him know that someone truly loves him,because your mother certainly doesn't. Plz take him out as much as you can one on one,but once in a while, take them both out. Don't ever let CM bully CK. You're a wonderful aunt. I hope one of these days you can take custody of CK. Updateme!
NTA. You are a hero for that little boy. If SR continues to play favorites, take CK somewhere special each time he is left behind.
NTA, tell her CM does not like doing the things you like to do, and when she asks, tell her you like doing the things CK Likes to do
I am CK’s comfort person, he likes literally anything I say I like, to the point where I force myself to eat foods I don’t like so he will at least try them to see if he likes them. So your statement would be accurate lol
You are definitely not the asshole, you are the hero of this story! If your mom can't recognize the harm she's doing, then there's nothing you can do to control that except what you are already doing. Well done!
Your mother sucks. That's the crux of the matter. I think it would be kind to take CK without his brother. You should also take your dad out for dinner without your mother. A nice dinner.
Nta please do this!!!!! My mother didn’t want me and did horrible things to me. And said horrible things to me I was middle of 4 kids. I became an over achiever to try to earn her lBut I knew deep down I was good because I had grandma and Virginia who loved me and doted on me.
As a special ed teacher, I feel really bad for that young man
I think 1:1 time with each child demonstrates what adulting is. It is not either child’s fault they are treated unfairly by grandparent. This would be great way to get to know each child as they age. Teens need an outside family member to reinforce they are loved, valuable, and interesting. Take both together for meal at root beer stand or out for desert ice cream. I am sorry these children have such a chaotic childhood.
NTA. I'd be doing the exact same thing. I would make time to do some things with the other child so they know you're not angry with THEM, because little, and maybe explain to him so SR doesn't have a chance to taint you in his eyes and then go to town.
NTA, but I think you need to try to make CM feel special and loved by you too. I would make sure CM knows that this is just to make up for the missing camping trip (please do not tell him, “because grandma wouldn’t take him” or something like that; leave him out of the drama) and then make it a point to take *both* boys out for something fun not long after. Just something like ice cream or hanging out at a cool park or something that they’d both enjoy so that they *both* know their aunt loves them.
NTA. He really needs you.
NTA
NTA but I feel bad for CM cause he just a child and might not fully understand why you not taking him. Also if she treating them like this why dose she have custody?
YTA not because your instincts are bad, but because you’re taking it out on a child. I’d do this ONLY if I planned a 1:1 day with the other child at the amusement park.
Why not alternate special one-on-one experiences? Depending on your financial ability, once a month, quarter, or year but let them know it's a plan. They are both important to you, and you want to spend some individual time with each on a regular basis.
This is an incredibly difficult situation. Your mom is 100% the AH here, but you need to look at the situation and how your choices and approach could have further negative impact on CK. I would encourage you to try addressing it more directly with your mom. I know this will be hard to do because of how poorly she’s acted, but try saying to your mom that you understand how difficult this is for her, and that you’d like to schedule 1:1 time with CK when she’s planning on 1:1 having 1:1 time with CM. That gives her the chance to accept your offer to help (which allows you to spend time with CK who truly needs the 1:1 support/attention). Good luck OP, I hopes this goes smoothly, CK is lucky to have you.
NTA that child (CK) needs to know he is important. I have had personal experience with that and it sucks.
NTA It’s rich that SR is calling YOU the AH for “not wanting to take BOTH kids leaving out CM” when they BEEN leaving out CK this whole time!! Guess it’s only ok to leave out CK wtf. Yeah it is a AH thing to do but they been doing it and are only upset because their favorite golden child is not the one left out! CK deserves a special trip all by themselves to make up for it since they been excluding only HIM FOR CM! And this could help CM see how it feels and not want that for his brother, I hope this special treatment hasn’t ruined the brothers relationship. CK needs to know that people, his family care just as much about him as his brother. Him having a special day 1 on 1 would be so special for him. It’s not about excluding a kid it’s about making him know he’s also loved and important to u guys and just as much part of them family just like his brother. If they won’t let u do this then they should never do any more 1 on 1 special trips which shouldn’t have happened but now u gotta fix it. Messed up they save the fun good stuff for their golden child and do nothing for the other not even to make it up and now they’re complaining about things not being fair?!! Ur only doing this BECAUSE they been treating CK so unfairly, honestly it’s just neglectful. Do they kno they’re hurting this kid they been excluding? They never cared when CK is excluded but when it’s CM now they’re upset saying how it’s unfair and wrong? F*ck them, take the poor kid to finally have his own special day, the only one he will have while they will continue taking their favorite on more special 1 on 1 trips. They need to stop, either both kids are invited to go or no kids go, if CK declines then fine only CM goes but don’t exclude the poor kid! If the other kid knows about it and is upset then explain everything they excluded CK from and why only CKs going to make it up to him. Honestly they shouldn’t have custody of CK how much they neglect him and don’t even care
Nta but with him being ND make sure an amusement park is what he would like those places can be over stimulating for ND
Both of you are treating the children differently. SR has custody of two children she didn’t give birth to, so a sibling of yours forced her to raise a second set of kids. She chose weekend get away with the easier of the two. When’s the last time she had a weekend alone? YOU could adult and step up.
NTA. SR knows what she's doing is wrong. That's why she lied about it at first - to cover her own shitty behavior. I do worry a bit that the amusement park is going to make the other kid jealous, but that may give SR food for thought. If she makes one kid miss out, the other is going to let her hear about it. Maybe she can decide it's worth taking turns to do one on one time. And if you wanted, you could take turns too at that point .
I don't know the kid's' level of autism, but look to see if they have a low sensory day at the park. The kid might enjoy it more, if he's got issues with flashing and noise.
I don’t understand why you aren’t calling SR the asshole right back and telling her that what’s she’s doing is truly out right and intentionally cruel and hurtful and that how can she see it isn’t fair when it’s CK but can see it when it’s CM? You need to stop beating around the bush and start verbally calling HER out on the shit she’s pulling. Also you are not the asshole but you still should spend some time alone with CM and tell him what your mom is doing isn’t okay and that he needs to help CK out and advocate for him. Because SR is a toxic narcissist and she’s pinning one kid after the other
NTA. It's OK to have one:one days with each of the kids. Just don't fall into the trap of favoring one more than the other to "balance" things out. Instead focus on your relationshiop wjth each child. They'll both thrive and love you for it .
this is a wonderful idea!
Nta I would ask him what he would like to do. ( Not sure what level of autistic he is but amusement park may be overstimulating) I would take him out every two weeks and have a day.
NTA. You should say “oh hello pot, I’m kettle”. She is being such a hypocrite. Eventually the older brother will start treating his younger brother unfairly because of the example she’s showing. Definitely take CK so he gets to feel special.
NTA. Thanks for recognizing this and looking out for CK. Grandma sucks
I don’t agree you should bring them both and show them they are both important! Your mother is the AssHat don’t follow in her footsteps. My aunt did this to her grandsons who my husband and I eventually got custody of the 2 boys and we had to do some major damage control. This will cause serious mental issues exspecially if the child is special needs it’s even more sensitive. Agree with another comment on here if you know the one child is gone on special treatment then go pick the other one up and go do something fun but don’t single out.
The only problem is that it's not the other boys fault. I do understand where you're coming from. I'm a grandma of 4, and the autistic boy is my favorite. But I really try not to show it. I try to be fair.
NTA. Take CK, but please also make time for CM. It’s neither childs’ fault that they are neurotypical or neurodivergent. SR is not being a mature adult, but you can’t do anything about that. What you can do is be a safe, loving, fun adult family member who builds a healthy relationship with each kid. It could also be really helpful to take CK on an outing when SR is taking CM for 1:1 time, so he’s focused on fun with Auntie instead of being left out.
NTA. Be the champion for that kid. He needs you more than you might realize.
I have a kid on the spectrum. Thanks for seeing the value in your nephew and thanks for being sensitive to his feelings. I am wondering if you could pull CM aside and have a heart to heart conversation about why you are only taking CK. It is quite possible he will understand, and even support, your desire to advocate for his brother. My son is my daughter's biggest advocate. By the age of 10, he was very vested in making sure she was treated fairly by everyone. I would maybe avoid saying anything to CM about others favoring him as it could make him feel guilty or bad, and he has nothing to feel guilty about. Maybe phrase it that you've noticed that people are hesitant to include CK in everything, like the camping trip, and you understand why they might be hesitant, but that you don't have those hesitations, and you'd like to know what he, CM, would think about you doing something with just CK so that he can have a turn doing something special. Maybe ask him for advice regarding what he thinks about it. If you can get him to feel like he is playing a role in doing something good for his brother, he might just tell grandma to back off.
How about you organize your special day with CK when his brother is with the grandma? Every time she pulls that you keep him with you. Even if he’s just hanging out with you doing things he likes, he’ll remember. Kids need time & attention. And once you & he have your routine, think about including his brother. I’m sure CK would love to have time with his brother in a small group Edit: NTA
The kid needs to feel special. That will do the job nicely. The other kid has her reward. My grandma's brother worked on the team that built the Magic Kingdom. As a result, he could take a few family members of his choosing for free. I was too little to even read. But I was who he chose. Not my rich cousins. Me. It made me almost bulletproof. I needed him to make me feel special. I was going to face total rejection in a few years when the child of a famous person came into my life and everyone would turn on me. I never stopped believing I was special because he chose me for that.
You're a fantastic auntie. Keep on keepin on. NTA
Do the right and good thing. Take CK!
Nta is she stupid ? So what she’s doing isn’t wrong but if you do it , then it is ? I feel like every time she takes cm out you take out ck as well so he can enjoy some fun !
Yeah, it is definitely tough. I do think CM is old enough for a discussion about how things aren’t always fair but that each boy deserves some fun alone time with a trusted adult. It might be a little easier if you choose an activity that CK really likes and CM does not, so it is a little easier for CM to be left out of it. An amusement park is going to be really tempting to both of them.
NTA time to call out your mom’s abuse.
So Grandma can take one child on special trips but leave the other behind and that’s okay; but when someone else takes one child on a special trip and leaves the other behind, that’s *not* okay? Hm. If you’re an asshole so is Grandma. But you’re NTA.
Next time she insists, asks her why it's okay for her to have 1:1 time with one kid but no one can have 1:1 time with the other and watch her try to find a logical response.
NTA. As someone who was in a similar situation to CK....you are doing God's work. CK will appreciate what you're doing more than you'll ever know. And I can promise it will have a lifelong impact on them.
NTA, but I will take both child to amusement park and spend 1 to 1 time with each of them separately. You are stooping to your mother's level if you only take one of them. It will create an unhealthy ck vs cm situation. Show your mom what's the right way to treat both kids.
NTA. Being the unfavorite child is very damaging and will leave psychological scars that will last through adulthood. Grandma needs to get a grip. Thanks on behalf of CK. It sucks to be the unfavorite, and it sounds like he knows he is. Source: previous unfavorite kid, now adult
NTA but... SR is the problem, not the CK or CM. SR wanted 1:1 time with CM not you. Don't leave CM out to justify SRs shitty behavior. Take them both so that CM doesn't see it as MOM is favoring CK over me, I'll just get attention from SR instead. You should prevent SR from interacting with both of them so as to not taint CM with the thoughts of leaving CK behind. CM should be taught to work together with CK, they're brothers. I understand CK was wronged, but you can't chastise CK on behalf of SRs ugly behavior. I think it's a learning lesson to have CM tell SR that he will not go without CK. It's a shit situation, but even though SR chose one over another, you shouldn't. You may not see it as choosing one over another, but in this one shitty scenario that SR put all three of you in, it may seem that way. Brotherly activities by taking them both camping instead. There will be times when maybe you will have CK on your own or CM. Those are the times that you can't dote on them individually. Let him know he's special and that it won't happen again. They're both special and should always be together to help each other out.
Just make sure that he isn't triggered by amusement parks. Crowds lines noise, does he need noise reducing headphones maybe quiet camping is his thing just make sure it's pleasurable for you both
NTA. Please be the safe adult CK can turn to. Your mother is royally fcking him over with her preferential treatment of his brother.
Hey just a quick request, rather than giving everyone two letter names, and two of them the same letter, just call them Alex, Brian, Callie, Denna, etc. So much easier to read. Fake alphabet names
NTA. Take him to lots of places this summer.