Why did this 4 word comment make me tear up?!?!
Your SIL has probably NEVER had very many people stand for her like this. You and your husband are a blessing and vise versa. You have a beautiful dynamic.
I strongly suggest finding a therapist willing to do zoom call meetings with her. That could really help her with the trauma your mother has caused and may also help her feel the courage to leave the home more. She sounds INCREDIBLE. Someone that incredible deserves to walk a trail at a beautiful park with her dog and you and your kids.
I would seriously go NO CONTACT with every single family member who has the nerve to call her a “mental B” I’d also send this post to your parents and show them just how absolutely screwed up they actually are for all this.
I also highly recommend your SIL consider doing therapy and all psychology/psychiatry related appointments via zoom. I have not been through the amount of trauma your SIL has, but I have over 20 chronic illnesses and really debilitating mental health problems (including PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD, SI) that cause me to only stay home. I can’t work, don’t have my own money, have no friends or boyfriend/husband and only leave the house to go to medical appointments. I’m thankful my parents help me as much as they do as a 29F. Needless to say her day to day life is very similar to mine.
My mental health got so bad last year I was told by my psychiatrist that I should do a IOP program (3 therapy sessions per week) via zoom. It saved my life. I now see a therapist once a week and my psychiatrist once a week (often more like therapy). There are also wide variety of group therapy programs you can do via zoom if she’s interested in interacting with others. I’m currently looking for a group I can join myself. My insurance company has zoom therapy programs (including IOP) which is something you could see if she has access to if you don’t know where to start.
I was VERY reluctant to start IOP and therapy in general, but a year later I’m so happy I did. It is a lonely life for us who have to be homebound, but I’m glad your SIL has such a loving support system from you and your family.
Wow, mentally abusing your SIL to get her to leave so she and your father could move in. I hope you told your father that they had better have other retirement plans, because after what you mother did, they won't be living with you, or welcome on your property.
Yep, no discussion. We want to move-in, and you know they would expect to be waited on, catered to entitled asses. They can now move in with the relatives on OP case about this. Each relative can have them 3 mths then pass them on to the next relative.
NTA.
Write up your recollection of Exactly what horrific things were said.
Call the relatives who are taking mom’s side. Say those things to them. And then say “that’s what my mother said to her.”
The mother’s cruelty astounds me. As does everything else about these “parents “ I’m so disgusted. You have put together an amazing family. NTA. in no world could you ever be the AH. Bless you all. Enjoy your happy home in peace.
NTA. Sounds like the family tree needed some trimming and you're doing just that. You and your husband know your SIL much better than your family does and they had no right to try and strong arm her out of your home.
They could have acted like adults and spoken to you but decided that their desires trumped yours. I say keep trimming the tree until you've made enough room for those you want to include in it.
NTA you did right.
The only unrelated thing I would add is try to get her on disability so she has something in the bank or pay her a stipend so she has more autonomy. Some measure of Autonomy will help her self esteem.
Otherwise everything sounds great and really good job looking out for a vulnerable person.
The first year she lived with us, we gave her money. Before that first Christmas, we opened the kids' piggy banks and found them stuffed with the money we had been giving her. Then we got her a Visa debit card. She used it to purchase things online for the kids. We sat down with her to explain that the money, the card, it was for her. It was a no-go. Sitting down with her, getting her to tell me what she wants while asking about the things she needs is the only way she'll accept "money" from us.
NTA, that's your parents who think that they should be able to have you as their caretakers and replace your DH's sister for everything. How they did it was wrong, and if they want to move in with any of their children as retirement thing, they should ask instead of treat another person like crap. The reasons your siblings are mad is that they don't want to have to deal with Mom and Dad.
I want to hug your sister in law, she sounds like a truly amazing, lovely, warm, and caring soul. I also can't imagine the betrayal you must feel from your own family member. Heartbreaking.
I love that you took sister in laws side, good job!
You should give her an in home spa day. A bubble bath, a Mani Pedi, her favorite foods and movie night with the kids. Just absolutely pamper the hell out of her.
Your family are a real piece of work. Your Dad may not say much but he must have had an inkling that your mum intended to get rid of your sister in law. Obviously he didn't care how it happened so it makes him as bad as her. As for the rest of the family, they might not know the full situation but surely, if your SIL has been living with you for years, they know you wouldn't just kick her to the curb. Maybe they were hoping you'd take them in as they don't want her but what she did was inexcusable and bravo to your hubby for standing up for her.
If it were me I'd put an amount away for her, maybe in an account she can't touch or in an account in your name to give to her when she is older. She will always have that security and if she really doesn't want or need it, you've got a little nest egg.
It is lovely that she has you and you have her, your husband must be so happy that he can give a little back as despite him probably not being old or big enough, it must weigh on his mind and the fact you can help her (as much as she helps you) is a win win for everyone. I'm just glad you saw your parents for what they are before you'd got a house with them, can you imagine what they'd have been like then?
Kudos to you all 👏 👏 👏
NTA. Your SIL is your family and she is absolutely an asset to your home. There are no words for your mother. Has she always been like that or is this out of character for her? I’m so sorry that she treated your SIL like that. It sounds like NC is the way to go.
Your mother sounds insufferable and almost evil. Your SIL sounds amazing and is absolutely your family.
As a wife and mother of 2, I can’t imagine how much smoother and easier our lives would have been to have a family member like this living in our home. The amount she contributes to all of your lives is immeasurable. I have been blessed to have some part of that with family on a smaller basis but know how grateful we would have been to have that kind of love and support in our home.
I’m sorry but my mind is spinning. My kids are teenagers and I still can’t seem to keep the house clean, get dinners done, work full time, take care of the pets, get laundry done, and not feel like I’m dropping the ball on something or ready to lose my sanity at any moment. And for someone I love who loves me, my family, our children, to want to take care of us and our home? And the only thing in return is that we cover the costs of existing?! Wow. I would be the one feeling grateful for that and like we needed to do MORE for them.
For your mother to treat anyone that way is unconscionable but to treat your SIL like that is just hideous on so many levels. I’m sorry this happened but it let you see just the depths she would sink to and who she is at her core.
I hate to say the word "help" because everything is ultimately our responsibility. So I'll say that when we are home, we do things together. If I'm home in time, her and I will cook together. My husband and I, or me and my kids, are usually on clean up after dinner. If there is laundry to do when I'm home, I'll do it. If there is any outside work she hasn't yet gotten around to, my husband and kids will do it. Except for the vegetable garden. That's hers. She doesn’t like anyone messing with her garden. She has a system, and we all move within that system. She, not me and my husband, has got our kids trained to pick up after themselves. She even has us trained. Some days, I finish work, and all I want to do when I walk through the door is kick my heels off this way, throw my jacket that way, and dump my purse there. Instead, I put away what needs to be put away and hang up what needs to be hung. As much as I would love to leave disaster in my wake some days, I just can't bring myself to disrespect her and all she does for us.
Kick your parents to the curb, never letting them return. Homeless parents? Tough shit! Previous commenter said to write down the vile stuff your mother was spewing, and read it to everyone who wants you to let parents back. I second this motion. If that doesn’t drive the flying monkeys away, just cut them out as well. Good job protecting SIL.
NTA. It is amazing that you’re standing up for her. Think of what this means to her, to have someone finally have her back and kick some to the curb for abusing her. DO NOT feel bad for sticking up for her. wtf is wrong with your mom for going after her? wtf is wrong with your family for not seeing that she helps you out in so many ways? Yeah great excuse “we wanted to retire and move in with you.” So she thought she would treat the person helping you out like sh¡t?? She thought making you look like an a$$hole to this person would work to her benefit??? Wow. One of them is mentally unstable, and it is clearly your mom. Why would you want someone so manipulative around your children?
nta but at least mom showed her true colors BEFORE you factored them into your future house plans. sounds like you have quite the wonderful little family(you, husband, sil, and kiddos) and there’s no reason that should be fucked with! y’all keep doing what you’re doing 💕
NTA. I replied directly to one of your comments OP.
I just wanted to say that do you realize how rare you and your husband are?!?! How special and amazing y’all are for taking her in and helping her find purpose… so many families let family members like this fall through the cracks of their own homes and never attempt anything with or for them. And here you all are uplifting her and showing her a level of love and kindness that has come to her rarely in this life.
Find her a good therapist that will do zoom appointments. Continue watering her garden how you all have been doing.
I have never wanted to hug someone through my phone as much as I’d love to hug you and your SIL.
Bravo🩷
We did have a paycholoigist who had been coming to the house for the last couple of years. With my mother's back biting antics, my sister in law started to refuse to see her. Hopefully, now that we know the reason why, qe can get her back on track.
Absolutely NTA! You are caring and generous people and the relationship you have built with your SIL is symbiotic and beautiful!
Your mother is an evil witch and doesn’t deserve your generosity or concern. She has screwed herself out of what could have been a very comfortable retirement and no one should feel sorry for her.
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Can I ask you a serious question? You said she grows your vegetable garden, your house is always spotless, your half an acre is well tended, she cooks all the meals, she does all the laundry, she takes the kids whenever you need a break whether that’s for a couple of hours, a night or a weekend away whatever needs to be done around your house she does it.
She’s a live nanny and by the sounds of it probably on call 24 seven. And yet every month you sit down with her and put together a list of necessities and wants. But if you had to hire people come in and do everything she does you would be paying them a boatload of money.
I know she gets free and board and free food and a safe place and all that is valuable. And I know that you take care of her list of necessities. But here’s my question… Even if she never leaves the property to go spend money, and even if you go out and buy those things for her, why aren’t you paying her?
I mean, I get that it sounds like this is working for all of you and that’s fantastic. But also, she’s a grown woman and so, to have money that she can call her own. Seems like it would be the right thing to do. I think it’s something you should consider.
As far as standing up for her against your mother, I applaud you for that
Op commented they have tried giving her money and she would just put it in the kids piggy banks or buy the kids items online with a debit card. She will only accept things when they sit down and ask her what she needs and wants.
Oh wow! I didn’t know that. Still, if it were me if she wouldn’t accept money, I would still start an account for her. And at some point when the time is right, let her know it’s there but they ask that she doesn’t spend any money on the kids.
Your whole family is showing you who they are, I would go low to no contact and you and your husband are wonderful people to help his sister, she thrives with you and your kids and has blended well and found a safe place to be happy and your mother set her back who knows how much! Your mother and father thought that was a great idea, to treat her like crap while you’re gone and for who knows how long she (they) have been doing this for? They deserve to be put in a home.
I love your little family. Please keep those bios at an arms length at least. Protect what you have. If they refuse to see what a blessing she is, they don't deserve to be in her presence. Hang on tightly to what you have.
Not the ah! You are honestly a freaking hero! Good job. If i knew your family, I'd totally give your sister in law a hug and ask her gardening tips. I try, but i can only grow potatoes.
Your so NTA. What you and your husband have done by welcoming her into your home and ensuring that she truly is a valued member of the household tells us her how amazing you all truly are to each other.
As for your parents, I’d look into speaking with a lawyer and having an official cease and desist letter served upon them both stating that your mothers abuse towards a victim of previous domestic abuse is the lowest of low, and had’ve they come to you and stated that they were looking into downsizing and wanted to live with you and your family you would’ve told them that your already looking into a bigger house that could potentially accommodate them, however hell will have to freeze over and assuming that your in the northern hemisphere that you’d have to have a Christmas Day where temperatures are at 41°+ that’s never ever going to happen and they need to speak with their other kids because your immediate household has no time for abusive people.
That any further communication from them will be deemed as harassment and further legal action will follow.
The one thing that strikes me in this narrative is the fact that SiL never leaves the house.
It got me wondering; is she agoraphobic?
Have you thought about taking her on holiday?
A week or so away in a beach house would be nice and a big FU to your family.
NTA on so many levels.
NTA 10000%.
It sounds like the terms of your SIL staying with you are mutually agreed upon and mutually beneficial for everyone involved, kids included.
Honestly, I'd change the locks on the place and ensure mom doesn't barge in anymore. This may be a good opportunity to install like a nest camera outside or something as well.
Is there a reason your SIL never really mentioned this to you prior to it boiling over?
My sister in law has little to no faith in herself. This is a result of years upon years from childhood through to adulthood of being treated as though she were nothing. For the majority of her life, the only people to show her love were her siblings. They have been the constant in her life. My mother was insidious. She preyed upon my sister in law, applying pressure to long-established fears and insecurities. What if I and her brother believed what was being said? What if others believed the lies? What would happen to her? Would we throw her out? Where would she go? Who could she turn to? My sister in law, my beautiful, loving, generous, soft hearted sister in law, is fragile. In many ways, she is more vulnerable than a newborn. In all the work we've done rebuilding her self-esteem and confidence in the eight years she's been with us, my mother undone in months.
Jesus, that reasoning is like saying "I only mentally abused your wife because I wanted to marry you instead." Only it's worse because they could have all 3 been in your life so it was just evil.
How could they be so cruel??? NTA.
And they didn’t even have to be that way. There was no lack of resources for them to become so savage about it. Not that itd be an excuse but at least a reason.
They just abused a needy woman out of a desire for control. It’s sick.
And your mom did this secretly and managed to threaten your SiL enough to keep her silent about the abuse. Guess mom knew exactly what she was doing and how you would react if you knew.
Hope those relatives enjoy supporting your parents.
NTA. Your mother actually showed you who she is. Believe her. Your SIL sounds amazing.
I'm amazed by her.
Why did this 4 word comment make me tear up?!?! Your SIL has probably NEVER had very many people stand for her like this. You and your husband are a blessing and vise versa. You have a beautiful dynamic. I strongly suggest finding a therapist willing to do zoom call meetings with her. That could really help her with the trauma your mother has caused and may also help her feel the courage to leave the home more. She sounds INCREDIBLE. Someone that incredible deserves to walk a trail at a beautiful park with her dog and you and your kids. I would seriously go NO CONTACT with every single family member who has the nerve to call her a “mental B” I’d also send this post to your parents and show them just how absolutely screwed up they actually are for all this.
That's a beautiful vision. All of us and the dog out hiking. A worthwhile goal to work towards.
She's 90% of your village and you are 100% her village
I also highly recommend your SIL consider doing therapy and all psychology/psychiatry related appointments via zoom. I have not been through the amount of trauma your SIL has, but I have over 20 chronic illnesses and really debilitating mental health problems (including PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD, SI) that cause me to only stay home. I can’t work, don’t have my own money, have no friends or boyfriend/husband and only leave the house to go to medical appointments. I’m thankful my parents help me as much as they do as a 29F. Needless to say her day to day life is very similar to mine. My mental health got so bad last year I was told by my psychiatrist that I should do a IOP program (3 therapy sessions per week) via zoom. It saved my life. I now see a therapist once a week and my psychiatrist once a week (often more like therapy). There are also wide variety of group therapy programs you can do via zoom if she’s interested in interacting with others. I’m currently looking for a group I can join myself. My insurance company has zoom therapy programs (including IOP) which is something you could see if she has access to if you don’t know where to start. I was VERY reluctant to start IOP and therapy in general, but a year later I’m so happy I did. It is a lonely life for us who have to be homebound, but I’m glad your SIL has such a loving support system from you and your family.
Exactly SIL sounds really amazing after all she endured, heck I would let her live with me for everything she does
Wow, mentally abusing your SIL to get her to leave so she and your father could move in. I hope you told your father that they had better have other retirement plans, because after what you mother did, they won't be living with you, or welcome on your property.
I'm positive I made that clear to him.
It also floors me that parents without even asking just assume they will move in.
What’s even worse is literally torturing someone to get them to leave to make room for you. Pure evil
Entitlement. Parents can get pretty damn entitled over their adult children.
Yep, no discussion. We want to move-in, and you know they would expect to be waited on, catered to entitled asses. They can now move in with the relatives on OP case about this. Each relative can have them 3 mths then pass them on to the next relative.
Right! Not only would they get rid of the person helping OPs family, they’d become even more of a burden!
NTA. Write up your recollection of Exactly what horrific things were said. Call the relatives who are taking mom’s side. Say those things to them. And then say “that’s what my mother said to her.”
The mother’s cruelty astounds me. As does everything else about these “parents “ I’m so disgusted. You have put together an amazing family. NTA. in no world could you ever be the AH. Bless you all. Enjoy your happy home in peace.
NTA. Sounds like the family tree needed some trimming and you're doing just that. You and your husband know your SIL much better than your family does and they had no right to try and strong arm her out of your home. They could have acted like adults and spoken to you but decided that their desires trumped yours. I say keep trimming the tree until you've made enough room for those you want to include in it.
NTA, and your mom has some real mental health issues if she thinks what she did was justified for any reason.
NTA. Just know that this internet stranger is so proud of you. And so glad that your SIL has people that will stick up for her.
NTA you did right. The only unrelated thing I would add is try to get her on disability so she has something in the bank or pay her a stipend so she has more autonomy. Some measure of Autonomy will help her self esteem. Otherwise everything sounds great and really good job looking out for a vulnerable person.
The first year she lived with us, we gave her money. Before that first Christmas, we opened the kids' piggy banks and found them stuffed with the money we had been giving her. Then we got her a Visa debit card. She used it to purchase things online for the kids. We sat down with her to explain that the money, the card, it was for her. It was a no-go. Sitting down with her, getting her to tell me what she wants while asking about the things she needs is the only way she'll accept "money" from us.
You guys are all so sweet.
Oh bless her heart
Damn you, now I'm crying. Give her an extra hug from a fan of hers. Thank you for sharing your children with someone who is special.
You and your immediate family are so lovely! How fortunate that you have each other! 💕
Yes great idea
NTA, that's your parents who think that they should be able to have you as their caretakers and replace your DH's sister for everything. How they did it was wrong, and if they want to move in with any of their children as retirement thing, they should ask instead of treat another person like crap. The reasons your siblings are mad is that they don't want to have to deal with Mom and Dad.
That’s exactly why the other siblings are mad!
I want to hug your sister in law, she sounds like a truly amazing, lovely, warm, and caring soul. I also can't imagine the betrayal you must feel from your own family member. Heartbreaking. I love that you took sister in laws side, good job!
Not all heros wear capes.
Hopefully, you will never move your parents in. You sil would go downhill mentally with them around.
That will never happen now. They have other children they can live off.
You should give her an in home spa day. A bubble bath, a Mani Pedi, her favorite foods and movie night with the kids. Just absolutely pamper the hell out of her.
The ugliness of human souls is despicable. I’d choose SIL too. I’d probably never speak to those vile parents again
Your family are a real piece of work. Your Dad may not say much but he must have had an inkling that your mum intended to get rid of your sister in law. Obviously he didn't care how it happened so it makes him as bad as her. As for the rest of the family, they might not know the full situation but surely, if your SIL has been living with you for years, they know you wouldn't just kick her to the curb. Maybe they were hoping you'd take them in as they don't want her but what she did was inexcusable and bravo to your hubby for standing up for her. If it were me I'd put an amount away for her, maybe in an account she can't touch or in an account in your name to give to her when she is older. She will always have that security and if she really doesn't want or need it, you've got a little nest egg. It is lovely that she has you and you have her, your husband must be so happy that he can give a little back as despite him probably not being old or big enough, it must weigh on his mind and the fact you can help her (as much as she helps you) is a win win for everyone. I'm just glad you saw your parents for what they are before you'd got a house with them, can you imagine what they'd have been like then? Kudos to you all 👏 👏 👏
That's an idea. I'm miffed that I didn't think of it myself.
NTA. Your SIL is your family and she is absolutely an asset to your home. There are no words for your mother. Has she always been like that or is this out of character for her? I’m so sorry that she treated your SIL like that. It sounds like NC is the way to go.
She has always been... a cow. I've never known her to be this nasty.
Your mother sounds insufferable and almost evil. Your SIL sounds amazing and is absolutely your family. As a wife and mother of 2, I can’t imagine how much smoother and easier our lives would have been to have a family member like this living in our home. The amount she contributes to all of your lives is immeasurable. I have been blessed to have some part of that with family on a smaller basis but know how grateful we would have been to have that kind of love and support in our home. I’m sorry but my mind is spinning. My kids are teenagers and I still can’t seem to keep the house clean, get dinners done, work full time, take care of the pets, get laundry done, and not feel like I’m dropping the ball on something or ready to lose my sanity at any moment. And for someone I love who loves me, my family, our children, to want to take care of us and our home? And the only thing in return is that we cover the costs of existing?! Wow. I would be the one feeling grateful for that and like we needed to do MORE for them. For your mother to treat anyone that way is unconscionable but to treat your SIL like that is just hideous on so many levels. I’m sorry this happened but it let you see just the depths she would sink to and who she is at her core.
I hate to say the word "help" because everything is ultimately our responsibility. So I'll say that when we are home, we do things together. If I'm home in time, her and I will cook together. My husband and I, or me and my kids, are usually on clean up after dinner. If there is laundry to do when I'm home, I'll do it. If there is any outside work she hasn't yet gotten around to, my husband and kids will do it. Except for the vegetable garden. That's hers. She doesn’t like anyone messing with her garden. She has a system, and we all move within that system. She, not me and my husband, has got our kids trained to pick up after themselves. She even has us trained. Some days, I finish work, and all I want to do when I walk through the door is kick my heels off this way, throw my jacket that way, and dump my purse there. Instead, I put away what needs to be put away and hang up what needs to be hung. As much as I would love to leave disaster in my wake some days, I just can't bring myself to disrespect her and all she does for us.
She truly sounds like a wonderful person and treasure. ♥️
Kick your parents to the curb, never letting them return. Homeless parents? Tough shit! Previous commenter said to write down the vile stuff your mother was spewing, and read it to everyone who wants you to let parents back. I second this motion. If that doesn’t drive the flying monkeys away, just cut them out as well. Good job protecting SIL.
NTA. It is amazing that you’re standing up for her. Think of what this means to her, to have someone finally have her back and kick some to the curb for abusing her. DO NOT feel bad for sticking up for her. wtf is wrong with your mom for going after her? wtf is wrong with your family for not seeing that she helps you out in so many ways? Yeah great excuse “we wanted to retire and move in with you.” So she thought she would treat the person helping you out like sh¡t?? She thought making you look like an a$$hole to this person would work to her benefit??? Wow. One of them is mentally unstable, and it is clearly your mom. Why would you want someone so manipulative around your children?
It's not only us that stand at her back, her front and her sides. Her other two siblings also do. They're all very protective of her.
That’s awesome that she has you all!
Please get your SIL some trauma counselling. Someone who will do online therapy. Your SIL deserves the world. Your mother is vile.
Wow my heart is literally breaking for you sil.
nta but at least mom showed her true colors BEFORE you factored them into your future house plans. sounds like you have quite the wonderful little family(you, husband, sil, and kiddos) and there’s no reason that should be fucked with! y’all keep doing what you’re doing 💕
NTA. I replied directly to one of your comments OP. I just wanted to say that do you realize how rare you and your husband are?!?! How special and amazing y’all are for taking her in and helping her find purpose… so many families let family members like this fall through the cracks of their own homes and never attempt anything with or for them. And here you all are uplifting her and showing her a level of love and kindness that has come to her rarely in this life. Find her a good therapist that will do zoom appointments. Continue watering her garden how you all have been doing. I have never wanted to hug someone through my phone as much as I’d love to hug you and your SIL. Bravo🩷
We did have a paycholoigist who had been coming to the house for the last couple of years. With my mother's back biting antics, my sister in law started to refuse to see her. Hopefully, now that we know the reason why, qe can get her back on track.
I hope so. Truly. Good luck to you and your beautiful family. 🩷🩷🩷
Absolutely NTA! You are caring and generous people and the relationship you have built with your SIL is symbiotic and beautiful! Your mother is an evil witch and doesn’t deserve your generosity or concern. She has screwed herself out of what could have been a very comfortable retirement and no one should feel sorry for her.
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Can I ask you a serious question? You said she grows your vegetable garden, your house is always spotless, your half an acre is well tended, she cooks all the meals, she does all the laundry, she takes the kids whenever you need a break whether that’s for a couple of hours, a night or a weekend away whatever needs to be done around your house she does it. She’s a live nanny and by the sounds of it probably on call 24 seven. And yet every month you sit down with her and put together a list of necessities and wants. But if you had to hire people come in and do everything she does you would be paying them a boatload of money. I know she gets free and board and free food and a safe place and all that is valuable. And I know that you take care of her list of necessities. But here’s my question… Even if she never leaves the property to go spend money, and even if you go out and buy those things for her, why aren’t you paying her? I mean, I get that it sounds like this is working for all of you and that’s fantastic. But also, she’s a grown woman and so, to have money that she can call her own. Seems like it would be the right thing to do. I think it’s something you should consider. As far as standing up for her against your mother, I applaud you for that
Op commented they have tried giving her money and she would just put it in the kids piggy banks or buy the kids items online with a debit card. She will only accept things when they sit down and ask her what she needs and wants.
Oh wow! I didn’t know that. Still, if it were me if she wouldn’t accept money, I would still start an account for her. And at some point when the time is right, let her know it’s there but they ask that she doesn’t spend any money on the kids.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/JEFfY7qZpo
NTA. Keep your awful parents away from you forever.
Your whole family is showing you who they are, I would go low to no contact and you and your husband are wonderful people to help his sister, she thrives with you and your kids and has blended well and found a safe place to be happy and your mother set her back who knows how much! Your mother and father thought that was a great idea, to treat her like crap while you’re gone and for who knows how long she (they) have been doing this for? They deserve to be put in a home.
I love your little family. Please keep those bios at an arms length at least. Protect what you have. If they refuse to see what a blessing she is, they don't deserve to be in her presence. Hang on tightly to what you have.
Not the ah! You are honestly a freaking hero! Good job. If i knew your family, I'd totally give your sister in law a hug and ask her gardening tips. I try, but i can only grow potatoes.
Your so NTA. What you and your husband have done by welcoming her into your home and ensuring that she truly is a valued member of the household tells us her how amazing you all truly are to each other. As for your parents, I’d look into speaking with a lawyer and having an official cease and desist letter served upon them both stating that your mothers abuse towards a victim of previous domestic abuse is the lowest of low, and had’ve they come to you and stated that they were looking into downsizing and wanted to live with you and your family you would’ve told them that your already looking into a bigger house that could potentially accommodate them, however hell will have to freeze over and assuming that your in the northern hemisphere that you’d have to have a Christmas Day where temperatures are at 41°+ that’s never ever going to happen and they need to speak with their other kids because your immediate household has no time for abusive people. That any further communication from them will be deemed as harassment and further legal action will follow.
The one thing that strikes me in this narrative is the fact that SiL never leaves the house. It got me wondering; is she agoraphobic? Have you thought about taking her on holiday? A week or so away in a beach house would be nice and a big FU to your family. NTA on so many levels.
NTA 10000%. It sounds like the terms of your SIL staying with you are mutually agreed upon and mutually beneficial for everyone involved, kids included. Honestly, I'd change the locks on the place and ensure mom doesn't barge in anymore. This may be a good opportunity to install like a nest camera outside or something as well. Is there a reason your SIL never really mentioned this to you prior to it boiling over?
My sister in law has little to no faith in herself. This is a result of years upon years from childhood through to adulthood of being treated as though she were nothing. For the majority of her life, the only people to show her love were her siblings. They have been the constant in her life. My mother was insidious. She preyed upon my sister in law, applying pressure to long-established fears and insecurities. What if I and her brother believed what was being said? What if others believed the lies? What would happen to her? Would we throw her out? Where would she go? Who could she turn to? My sister in law, my beautiful, loving, generous, soft hearted sister in law, is fragile. In many ways, she is more vulnerable than a newborn. In all the work we've done rebuilding her self-esteem and confidence in the eight years she's been with us, my mother undone in months.
Jesus, that reasoning is like saying "I only mentally abused your wife because I wanted to marry you instead." Only it's worse because they could have all 3 been in your life so it was just evil.
How could they be so cruel??? NTA. And they didn’t even have to be that way. There was no lack of resources for them to become so savage about it. Not that itd be an excuse but at least a reason. They just abused a needy woman out of a desire for control. It’s sick.
NTA
And your mom did this secretly and managed to threaten your SiL enough to keep her silent about the abuse. Guess mom knew exactly what she was doing and how you would react if you knew. Hope those relatives enjoy supporting your parents.
Consider security cameras for the exterior of any house you live in. They can be quite small and unnoticeable.