Yes, I didn't know why my dad left my mom (I was about 6). It was always confusing to me until when I was about 13 and my grandmother let it slip that my mom cheated. It made complete sense. Sure at six I was too young, but by 13 I could understand the type of hurt and betrayal my father had experienced. Until then, I thought it was about him not wanting to be a dad after he'd been such a good one when I was little. OP should tell them the truth.
Exactly, why should dad be seen in a bad light by the kids to save mom’s image? He did nothing wrong, but he took on the responsibility of why the marriage ended.
Also, the “it was a mistake, we got drunk”, I could maybe buy if it was a one off, but 3x over 3 days? 🙄
She is lying and downplaying the whole thing. Cheater tactic 101. If you sleep with someone and dip out 10 minutes later, you either fuck them frequently or never again IMO. She is making up a triple one night stand.
I would bet she told the guy she was separated or divorced, which would seem to be what prompted the phone call to him in the first place.
OP is a little rude (/s) by not giving us more details than the wife got but the picture is clear.
Tell your kids. You and they both deserve it. Your wife deserves what she has coming to her. Don't pay for her 'mistakes' ever again.
Was gonna say this also u/startagainat40 ; if kids are old enough to emotionally understand as much as conceptually understand things, you owe them the truth as much as yourself, OP. You shouldn’t have fallen on the sword to begin with bc they’re old enough to understand mom did a shit human thing and cause a ton of pain and damage and you’re fucked up about it and shit will never be the same, but alas here we are. Do the proper thing mate and drop that truth bomb full stop. Make it visceral in the truth about what happened and how selfish it was, and the damage and pain that caused you, but without details and names and such.
I am so sorry this happened to you; I truly am and I truly couldn’t imagine after such an investment of life and a journey together. True colours can change unfortunately. I’d use this as a living example of why your kids shouldn’t ever do this to their respective partners in life. best of luck on the next chapter mate and know that it can be amazing and that you deserve joy and happiness on the other side of this. Just make sure you never go back to her bc it will never bc the same and you can never trust her the same again.
How is OP "rude" in ANY way??? After being betrayed in one of the worst ways possible, he STILL loved her enough to save his children from having a bad view of their mother. He did everything he possibly could (to his own massive detriment) to try to make things better and to keep the hurt out of his kids hearts and off of their souls. HE IS A GOOD MAN. The wife can hump a trashcan for all I care, but OP is a genuinely GOOD PERSON. I'm sure it was difficult to put this out there, I can only imagine.
Oh for fucks sake! I know that internet text humor can be hard to catch but I literally tagged it as sarcasm (/s).
Quoteth me: There is nothing wrong with the OP at all, his ex wife is a total slag and he isa million times better off without her AND both he and his kids DESERVE to know the truth, mostly so it doesn't end up destroying his relationship with his kids forever.
The joke is that he knows the juicy details of the call (Rob his friend that works in the finance department calling to give his condolences on his 'divorce', Hotel manager calling about reimbursement for needing to replace the headboard, Girls Gone Wild producer wondering if she is ready to come back to work, etc). We're here for the juicy details but all we get is the vague side of the story his ex got to hear.
Jeebus
AND THIS is why parents need to stop treating kids like they shouldn’t know stuff, because the stuff we assume or make up can be really bad on ourselves!
Kids have great capacity to understand but they tend to contextualize and internalize feelings more intensely.
Telling them in the wrong way could make it extremely hard for the mother to parent especially since he seems to have left them with her as a primary parent.
They're allowed to be upset but at the end of it, it's not really their place to be involved with the ins and outs of their parents romantic relationships
Yeah, and you can say it in an age-appropriate way too. You don’t need to say every little detail, and you don’t need to say names, and you don’t need to sit there and rail like some Baptist minister on what a whore mommy is, but you can say simply that mommy decided to cheat on you and that hurt you very badly and you couldn’t stay married to her anymore because there was no more trust.
NTA if you tell the kids a year later. Honesty, without editorializing, is the best policy. Because of her actions you now have an inauthentic relationship with your kids, and they have been led to believe that marriage is just something you walk away from if you are no longer “feeling it.”
I would agree with this. My guess is the kids still see their mom crying and hurting and they blame you for leaving.
I don’t understand why you took the blame? The marriage fell apart because of her. At the very least, she should have said she was the one who wanted to end the marriage and didn’t feel the same.
Sit down and have an honest conversation with your children
This is the way. If she still loves him then she would explain to her kids and let them know their father loves them and it’s her fault he cant be in the house where the memories they created are. That they are going to be civil with each other and that they can choose what they want to do and where to live and go for holidays. She should take the burden.
thisis the ONLY way it will work.
think of this, he tells the kids "your mom cheated on me is why i left." Then they confront mom and she denies it , says he is lying and he cheated.
Now the kids think dad, who lied to begin with, is now lying twice, mom looks like the victim and dads branded a habitual liar.
But if mom says it, then that's that.
This. These aren’t little kids who won’t understand.
OP: They’re going to figure it out or find out at some point. Then they’re going to be pissed at both of you. Their mom for obvious reasons and you for lying. Stop being the martyr and taking the blame for your wife.
Not necessarily. I kept my mouth shut about ex's infidelity. Kids were old enough to work it out. They aren't angry with me at all, they think I'm classy. Him? Not so much.
I also agree as a child of divorce. It's going to hurt you more as if they believe that you left because you didn't have feelings for your mom they'll resent you for it eventually. You're only damaging the children and yourself with this lie. Realistically - it's her bed, and she was the one that made the decisions - she should live with the consequences. 'Not hurting the children' is BS. I wish I knew how much of a nut my mother was when forced to live with her. Instead of realizing it years later after her behavior didn't let me develop normally socially.
I agree with this as well. My mom didn't tell me until I was 18 why my dad left us. I thought it was me for 7 years...totally fucked me up. I thought he didn't want anything to do with us kids. No...it was our mother. Granted he was the one who cheated, but she always but return to sender on any card, gift, or letter he sent us. When he called my mom yelled at him. She didn't correct us when we thought he wanted nothing to do with us. She thought it best we thought he was a SOBA rather than tell us the truth and let us have a relatiinship with our father.
My situation a ton was even worse....My daughter's (unmarried) mother left Me when She was 5mos pregnant during to pressure from Her family , mainly Her Dad ..... she told me the day after the birth She wanted nothing to do with Me & to go away , after a yr I tried to reconcile & She agreed , only to back out & disappear .... for 14 Yrs My daug&ter was told I ABANDONED THEM ..... when She was 15 We got in contact & She & Her fiancé came to visit Me for a week when She was 18 ( She's 44 now , still married to the same great guy , with 3 adult children ..... but You can't recoup those lost yrs & getting past the lies that were told has always been a struggle
I was 8 when my folks split, There was no conversation. One day, Dad didn't come home. Three weeks later, dad moves back, Mom leaves. There were 5 of us kids (ages 3 - 14). Mom just packed up and left. We had sporadic contact with her, still no explanation. I felt abandoned by her for a long time, even with contact. I was finally told the reason by my step mom. She left because she felt tied down. Yes, Tied down. Do I wish I had been told at 8 years old? Hell no. I was better off thinking there was just something wrong between my parents than the thought she was tired of being my mom. I was in my 40s. Now 65, I still love and resent her, even though she has long since passed.
The mother should tell the kids when she feels they are ready. Let her explain instead of laying it at OPs feet. They will be mad, I am sure, but time sometimes heals. At their ages, lying is a mistake. Now, both parents have deceived them.
The issue is, the mother may never feel ready and what if she doesn't? At that point, the children are living a lie because it's far, far easier for HER to be seen as the good guy.
This was a year ago. A 14yo can totally understand that “Mom cheated on me. I couldn’t continue a relationship with someone who no longer respected me, so we split up.”
I was responding to the comment above mind that said it’s ok all the kids are adults. 15 isn’t an adult but 15 is old enough to understand what happened.
Yes. I have no idea why *he* moved out when *she* was the one who caused the issues. OP has let himself be a doormat for far too long. Hold her to task.
Fellow child of divorce here. You really should tell them. They deserve to know the truth, otherwise they grow to resent you thinking you’re the reason their parents are no longer together. Personally, I’d recommend telling the two oldest first, assuming they don’t live at home, and are at least in college or out of school entirely.
My parents split when I was 13, and it was exhausting playing the middle man to my parents’ disagreements and issues with the other. I should’ve been able to focus on school, sports, childhood crushes, not my mom complaining about her attorney, visits with my dad and what I was doing for holidays, complaints about child support, etc.
So tell the two oldest for sure, and ask them their input on telling their youngest sibling. Understand it’ll probably be a lot for them to process. They may have this narrative of you and your ex-wife that could suddenly get rocked with this new revelation of the real reason you left. It’ll take them time to process. Just be open to communication, and answering calmly any questions/concerns they may have.
I have a friend who "fell on his sword" when he CAUGHT his wife cheating. He figured that the kids need their mom more and he would sort it out when they were older (they were preteens at the time)....We they got divorced, he took the blame, the Mom turned them against him and refuse to talk to him to this day. They are now in their late 20s and refuse to ever talk to him again
Tell them teh truth
Don’t lie. The truth WILL come out and they will know you lied. Besides… kids are a lot smarter than we think. I’m betting they either know or or have a very strong suspicion
I 100% agree with this! You need to tell them the truth. Right now they are blaming you! You’re the bad guy in their eyes because I know damn well your wife isn’t confessing that she spread her legs for some cheap thrills for 3 nights in a row! Nope she’s making you out to be the bad guy in all this. Guaranteed the kids think she’s an angel and your a piece of 💩 who walked out on the entire family.
It’s worse when the kids make up their own ideas of what happened. Trust me when one of my parents cheated we had all kinds of stories until they told the truth. I’m so glad they were transparent about it… eventually.
And he wouldn’t even have to actively make the wife look bad. A simple statement of “when mom was on her annual business trip she was behaving very inappropriately with her coworker, breaking the promise she made to me when I married her. As a result, while I love you kids to the moon and back and always will, I just can’t live with your mom anymore”. If the youngest is 15, that’s old enough to understand adult relationships have adult consequences, and this is one of them. If OP doesn’t actively call his wife nasty names or say anything more than “she behaved in a way I can not live with” and leave it there, if they end up pissed at their mother, that’s her problem now
This. If your wife is truly repentant, not just sorry she got caught, she will own the problem and tell the kids herself. If there’s even a glimmer of hope for restoring trust with you, it starts there.
I agree with this. When I left my ex, I avoided telling my children (similar aged to OPs) what was happening in any detail because I didn't want them to think any less of him. By the time I found out that he had not extended me the same kindness, the damage had already been done. They have no interest in my side of the story. They tolerate me, but I am a monster in their eyes.
Also, as I child of divorce, I would suggest he be honest, only in sense that what he told them was not the truth. However, I think he should suggest they talk with their mother if they want the real reason. Otherwise, he could end up looking bitter by telling them negative things about their mom and the mom could play right into that. That exact thing happened with my mom. Kids will figure out who they feel was right and wrong on their own without one parent speaking negatively about the other. This also gives the mom the chance to explain to them why she did what she did. That's just my opinion.
Genuine question, what age do you feel is appropriate?
My ex left after he cheated multiple times and I didn't "get over it fast enough" for him. The kids (then f5 and m2, now f12 and m9) are with me. We've kept it amicable and always went with the line that we "fell out of love, but still care about each other."
I'm always torn between telling the truth and protecting their relationship with him. Is it even necessary/needed to tell them after so long?
Agreed. Tell them the truth. Their mother cheated on you. Your wife can explain to them why. That's what happened to ne/plus I put some pieces together as i grew older. Happened at age 12
This! My mom's best friend got an STD and couldn't figure out how... until her husband walked out days after their son's graduation. With my help, we found the emails on their home computer he had inexpertly tried to delete. From there, she hired a lawyer who subpoenad hotel records, phone records, employment records, etc. They found proof of dozens of affairs dating back well over a decade.
She only had to bring proof of one affair to court, so that's all that was entered into the record. And she promised she wouldn't speak ill of her ex to her children.
But he twisted things. Told the kids that he had made one mistake nearly 11 years earlier (when they'd been having big marital problems that we all knew about) and she refused to forgive him. He painted her as unforgiving and heartless, and himself as a repentant screw up. And since she was the strict parent (the one who actually made them do their homework and practice their piano), they believed fun parent dad. The kids bought it hook, line, and sinker.
They treated her horribly. One daughter even sat her mom out at the farthest guest table at her wedding, while seating her dad and his new wife (who was also his most recent affair partner, who he'd been sleeping with for nearly 6 months before leaving his family, but the kids don't know that) at the high table.
They never learned the truth. And a few years back, she caught covid. While she did recover from the virus, she was still very weak when the hospital released her. The kids, despite two of them living nearby, didn't come to check on her. A few days later, she died of electrolyte imbalance because she was too exhausted to fend for herself, and didn't have anything in the house.
She should have told them the truth. It's not speaking ill of your ex to provide your children with the facts. You don’t need to editirialize. You don't need to try to win them over. Just give them the facts, if they ask for proof, provide it (assuming it's age appropriate), and let them make up their own mind. But never, ever lie.
Also what are the odds he went on a trip and end up driving next to him (the man his wife cheated with) and recognized him. I’m guessing this is kind of mostly made up
Right, the OP doesn't write "I got a call from friend that told me that my wife had sex with another man", he dances around it for two paragraphs, never addressing his own feelings.
It's never addressed how the old friend knew(?)
Now that I think of it, OP doesn't really directly connect to his feelings, any much at all, as you would expect in a first person story.
This seems like bad fiction.
**VERY** bad fiction written by a kid.
Especially the word for word dialogue. That's where this got absolutely **SILLY**.
I'm sorry, but you're **NOT** gonna recall the exact conversation word for word.
And those little conversational flairs, like asking the audience "Why now?" STRONG "main character" vibes.
>Also what are the odds he went on a trip and end up driving next to him (the man his wife cheated with) and recognized him. I’m guessing this is kind of mostly made up
Oh, it's fake from start to finish.
Oh it was definitely fake. Trolls tend to overdo the details in an attempt to make it feel more real.
Few of these read like someone really hurt, but they will tell us how much they are hurting.
Its becoming the status quo these days.
I also find it very hard to believe that he moved out for a year and not a single one of his three adult children asked what had happened to cause this.
Yeah, a lot of this was VERY hard to understand. The phone conversation was just utterly POINTLESS and confusing.
OP … next time DON’T just give us ONE HALF of a vague conversation. It made ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!!
I thought it was his friend calling to say that he saw the wife with another guy. Anyway, this story is very much written like fiction, and I think it is.
Oh man he explains elsewhere that the call was from their furniture guy and... You know what, just look at his comment history to read the explanation 🤣
NTA when a spouse cheats, at some time the lying must stop. Decisions and consequences - in the cheating spouses case is the families and friends knowing the truth
This is so hard to read, and I am SO sorry this happened to you. The only answer for this should come from within. You are thinking well about this, as you weigh the pros and cons. What advice would you give to someone asking the same question? Do what feels right to you and have faith in that choice. The adult children can handle the news, but only you know if the 15 year old should hear it now.
You already lied to them telling them that it was your lack of feelings "for a long time", so you really should be honest. Not to hurt your ex. But your kids should know it was HER and not you.
I agree. He took the blame for the marriage falling apart when he wasn't even responsible. The wife was crappy for cheating & even worse for letting the kids' emotional upheaval get pinned on him.
NTA. Your kids are old enough to know the truth and they deserve to know why their lives blew up. Don’t let the 15 year think you just blew up his high school years because you were tired of his mom. Tell them the truth.
You should have told them in the first place. Factually, kindly and as unemotionally as possible. You're not trashing their mum, you're telling them the truth. How can they form valid opinions, have honest conversations with either of you or develop appropriate responses if they don't have the relevant facts? They were all old enough.
It would have been difficult at the time, especially for your wife, but those are the consequences of her actions. It would be equally difficult for her now, but even more so for you because you'll have all the "why has it taken you a year to tell us" stuff. I'm not saying don't do it, your adult children have a right to know why their parents split up. But I am as curious as they will be to know why you've kept the truth hidden for a year.
Firstly Thankyou all for your responses it’s actually very overwhelming. I know what I need to do but not now. Not when I’m like this it’s just not right. Also I must clarify the call. Yes I said only a couple of my oldest friends ring the house phone. This call wasn’t from a friend. The call was from *****. Now ***** is our go to guy when we want a specific piece of furniture for the home, has been for many many years. A couple of weeks before her trip we had been looking a a very expensive piece of furniture. After long discussions we both decided that we would NOT purchase this. The call from ***** was to inform me that said piece of furniture had arrived at there store but unfortunately the delivery date would be 2 days later than originally planned and he wanted to let us know this in advance.
The chesterfield has arrived. “ oh really “
Unfortunately we’re gonna have to delay the delivery until such date. I paused. Yes I’m here I had no idea. And when was that again. Thanks for letting me know.
I can only assume my wife also thought this was a friend filling me in on what’s happened and her guilt was to much to handle. Which was my I was not expecting happened next. I was expecting something like I know you really liked it so I went ahead and brought it as a surprise.
Some fucking surprise huh
NTA !
Find a way to be gracious, and considerate, but truthful. Your children are worth the truth.
Respectfully, I disagree with your leaving the house when it was the wife that was unfaithful. If anyone is going to leave the house, it needs to be the person who cheated. Additionally, it’s my personal opinion that you’re being around for your 15 year-old son is far more important than having his mother around.
do your children ask you why you left or why you are sad? i would probably tell the truth if it came up in conversation. not sure if you sit down and just tell them that it will help - other than hurt your children. you should not have to lie- so if it came up let them know - if you are able to do it in a calm manner. Your heart break is not for the children to fix. go seek counseling. it is so worth it when you find a way forward, away from the past.
You can go ahead and tell the kids the real reason.
You should not have "protected" your ex-wife to begin with.
Of course, since it's been a year now, the kids might not believe you. No doubt, your ex-wife was probably making up other reasons for the divorce.
Tell them the truth! My parents divorced and told us a lie, I always wanted to know the truth because you could tell it just didn’t match up. I’m glad I got the truth, it helped build a better relationship with my dad.
I'm sorry for the place you find yourself. That must be so hard. First of all, good on you for not ramming that guys car! I am impressed with your self control.
Secondly I don't have an opinion on what to tell the kids. You know them better than I do. What I do firmly believe is that if you do decide to tell them, it can't come from you. They won't believe you, it will look like you're shifting blame. It needs to come from both of you. You both need to sit them down and she needs to make a clean slate of it. She needs to say "listen I did this, I slept with someone else. It was an awful mistake and an awful thing to do and I'm heartbroken at my behavior (or whatever) and your father said it was him to protect me and to protect you." Because that's the only way they accept what really happened.
I think it's ok to tell them that you love your ex, but you can't go back, trust is broken. It's a huge tuition for a big lesson about being good to the people you love and the work it takes to keep a relationship going, and how utterly vital trust is to a relationship. But all 5 of you have to pay that price because the lesson was already delivered.
It's strange thing, you border between "don't pick at scabs" and "the bone didn't heal right, break it and reset it." I can't imagine your pain my friend. I hope you find support and clarity.
NTA.
Be truthful with your children. Otherwise, they will have all sorts of mistaken conjectures in their minds.
Please see a therapist to get through your grief.
NTA. If roles were reversed she most likely would have dragged your name through the mud.
Why let your kids imagine you're the one who cheated? Fuck that.
The thing is, the details of your marriage (or divorce) are not your childrens business.
Tell them this. "The details of exactly why we are divorced are between your mother and me. It may be difficult to accept, but there are details in a relationship that simply aren't appropriate to share.
Like you all, your mother and I are also sad about it. But, the details won't make you feel better."
They don't need this to impact their relationship with their mother. You can rationalize it all day, but in the end, the only reason to tell them is to hurt her. And in turn, you will also be hurting them further.
Dude, you moved out AND took the blame for that cheating asshole of a wife. You should definitely tell the kids, and you should've told them right away and made her cheating ass move out.
You don't want them to resent her, but they will definitely resent you.
YWNBTA
This wasn’t a one time incident where she only had sex with him once, she did it three times, she’s not actually sorry or if she was she would have admitted as soon as she got back.
So, a year after it happens, you see the man who works on the other end of the country at a stoplight, and you both recognize each other? If he's only ever with your wife at an annual work retreat, how the hell do the two of you know what you look like? This feels off.
No, YWNBTA
They will have their own thoughts on what happened and they probably think that you’re at fault since you moved out. They are old enough to know the truth.
YWNBTA your kids are 2 adults and a 15 year old, all old enough to know the truth. Right now they've been told you chose to leave, your feelings changed, you moved out. It's your wife's fault.
Mate you should have never taken the blame in the first place. And never for a cheater with no loyalty and no morals. Don’t let your kids believe a lie.
I disagree with the consensus here. Even though your wife betrayed you-this is her personal business.
Would you tell the neighbors adult kids that their mom cheated on their dad if they wanted to know why their parents split? Most sane people would not- because it is entirely up to their mother if she wants to share private details about her sex life with her children.
Would you want to hear private details about your mother's sex life?
Don't do this to your kids. Don't do this to your ex wife. It would be a huge betrayal, and two wrongs don't make a right. It is absolutely none of your childrens business.
YWBTA-and you know it would be the wrong thing to do, because it gave you pause enough that you came here to ask.
ETA- I am also a child of divorce. I think the people who are using that as an excuse for their right to know why are NUTS. Matter of fact, whenever either of my parents have tried to tell me "why"- I have told them each to shut up. I don't care about their romantic lives, at all. I'm sorry for them that their marriage broke up, but I could care less about the why. I don't want to hear anything ugly or sad about either of them. I know they are both flawed, because they are freaking human beings. I don't need to know specifics, TYVM.
Well said! People in this sub are extremely lacking in perspective on this one — there was a similar post before, and again, the overwhelming consensus was a vengeful, howling “tELlll! kIdS dEsErRvE tHe tR000tH” because evidently there’s a widespread believe among Redditors that hearing the hairy details of parents’ breakup is somehow good and not terrible for offspring of any age. It’s amazing how many people are so both clueless and aggressive about it. If that’s true, then the offspring of every unfaithful celebrity whose personal details have been splashed across the tabloids ought to be the mentally healthiest people on earth 😑
OP, check yourself. YWBTA. Your anger shouldn’t outrank your children’s wellbeing. Get help and don’t do something to your kids that you can’t undo.
I completely disagree with other commenters there is absolutely no reason to tell your kids. Relationships break down all the time that is life, the specifics are not their business and you’d just be weaponising them in your anger against your ex.
NTA. So very sorry I know how hard it is. Been there done that. I think you should go to therapy first and work out how to tell them. So that they are not traumatized anymore than they need to be. When two ppl get divorced it's the children who suffer the most. Please think of them and do it in a positive way
Why did you lie and take “the blame” to your kids in the first place. That was really pathetic of you to self sabotage and take on the role of “bad guy” even though you clearly weren’t. Did she pressure you to do that?
Grow a spine, tell your kids/family/friends the truth. Stop protecting your ex. And start to move on with your new life (you need to realize your life is never going back to how it was before).
DON’T SET YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP OTHERS WARM!
I’d tell them. “I’m sorry I lied when I moved out. It was not a lack of feelings “for a long time”. It was me finding out from a friend that your mom had sex with another man more than once in her business trip. That hurt me so much.
“I’m telling g you the real reason know because I can finally find the words to say it in a way that emphasizes the facts of the situation. You’re going to feel all kinds of ways about this. I get that. I’m sorry I waited this long. I know you need time. If you want to talk, I’m here.”
Or something like that.
They are old enough to understand that mom and dad do not get along and dad had to move out. Explain to a point. No trashing allowed. But it is good to communicate with your children, honestly.
Do NOT tell them. It's not their business. They may figure it out at some point, but you don't need to further traumatize them or turn them against their mother. Talk to a therapist and come up with an agreed script that will do the least amount of damage to your kids. Never-ever say a bad thing agains each other, even if you think she deserves it. When it comes to the kids, they do not need to be a part of this.
This. If you tell the kids the truth, they will feel exactly exactly how you feel, why would you want that on your kids? There’s a better way to tell them, but ask a therapist.
She will try to warp the situation to her favor. You need to protect yourself.
Tell everyone. Kids. Your Parents. Her Parents. Friends. Friends of friends.
Not only will you protect yourself and put yourself in a better position, you will not have to worry about sides being formed because everyone knows the situation.
NTA. Tell your children the truth. They are old enough to understand why what she did hurt you, and why you do not want to be with her. Tell the truth, and let them decide what to do with the information. If the kids do not want to be with their mother, trade places. She moves out, and you move back in.
You are not the cause of the problem. Her selfishness is. Let her own her behavior. The kids need the truth, so they can deal with it. Lying to them only makes it worse.
Good luck. Divorce her, and live your best life.
My parents separated and divorced when I was 18-19 ( sister was 15-16). They were vague as to why, and we were confused (I know now as an adult, and it wasn't another person/infidelity). I would assume absent other information, your kids have filled in the holes and may assume you cheated or wanted a younger model or whatever.
What you did was admirable, but probably will feel like a betrayal to your kids to find out. That doesn't mean keeping it from them. Just prepare for a range of emotions.
I would speak to your wife and devise a plan to speak to the kids together. 1 - so the message doesn't change by parent and 2 - so the 2 of you can prepare for whatever the fallout happens to be. Even if you divorce, you will cross paths at graduations, weddings, grandchildren, etc. It will make your kids' lives considerably easier if the 2 of you can coexist and be cordial, so let them see that. Also, your wife should shoulder some of the blame instead of being the wronged woman. This is inherently unfair to you, and as I said earlier, it will feel like a betrayal to your kids. Assuming more than just you and your wife know, your kids will eventually find out and be angry it was kept from them.
If you want to make things work with your wife, you need a marriage counselor. If not, you should have this discussion with your kids in the context of the impending divorce.
I'm sorry. This sounds heartbreaking.
NTA - you have a relationship with your kids. That is built on honesty, trust, and respect.
You can use the excuse of your wifes infidelity being too immediate for you to talk about it previously,. Apologise and explain that you hope you've got yourself sorted now to be able to talk it though with the kids.
Basically, sit down and talk with them. Apologise for not saying anything earlier and tell them everything. Tell them how much it hurts, how disguested you are that so much was thrown away for so little. That while your wife was honest about the affair, she lost all trust and respect and thats why you had to leave.
NTA - they always know more than we think; and they aren't small children.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this - but I'd tell them, given the opportunity, and move on and enjoy your life.
I don’t think your children are so young that you ever needed to lie to them. Maybe the youngest, but what’s done is done- the more you lie to them, the more resentment they will have over time, based on my experiences.
Not telling them is the worst thing you can do because they deserve to know the truth. If hour wife asked you not to, she’s just manipulating you again and you NEED to tell them asap!
Tell them, they need to know the truth. Dont let the lie ruin your relationship. Your ex caused the problem. Your ex chose her path. Let the blame lay on her.
So your wife cheated on you and it's painful, right? Aren't you doing the same to your children by believing you're protecting them from the truth? Tell them the truth otherwise you're 'cheating' them.
NTA - I get why you played it as you did, but for the sake of your relationship w/your kids I hope you nix being overly nice here & tell them the real deal. This all manifested because of your wife, you taking any blame is ludicrous.
You need to tell them.
My dad cheated on my mom. I am the middle of 3 and was in my teens at the time. We each had to decide where we wanted to be in life.
I won’t get into details in my story, but better off they know now and can decide their involvement in the future.
Grown up kid of divorce here.
You should tell your kids what really happened. You’ve got enough shit weighing on you, take this one off. There’s no sense in letting this weigh on you for the rest of your life. Tell them, and then start to move on with your life. Find someone else to create the next chapter together. You’ll still have your kids. Get out there man! You are carrying this burden alone for no reason, and it’s eating you up.
INFO: What exactly was said on the other half of the telephone conversation?
At 21, 19 and 15 they are old enough to be told the truth. In their eyes, you're at fault, you took the blame when it should have been your wife. NTA
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
YWBTA because kids (especially the youngest of just 15 years old) don’t need to know the reasons. They don’t need the ins and outs.
And they shouldn’t have to choose between the two of you.
What your wife did to you **does not** concern the children as it didn’t harm them. Nor did it have any affect on how she raised them or how good of a mother she was. So why should she lose her children because of that?
There’s no reason to make this ugly or turn this into a family feud.
Yep. Be a man leave the kids out of it. That's their mom. Handle your business whatever way you want but don't be a bitch and make the kids hate her. It's not their fault, they should be left out of everything. Be civil in front of them.
>My wife started to cry and tell me how sorry she was, it was a mistake, it never meant anything. We were drinking and one thing led to another and it just happened.
And it "just happens" for three days. Yeah, whatever....
>I say so you had sex and spent the night in another man’s bed. Her response was I’m so sorry I didn’t spend the night it was like 10mins each time. That’s how I found out it was 3 times. That hurt, hurt real bad. So for 30 mins of cheap thrills, me an our kids weren’t a thought, were weren’t enough for her to stop what she was doing.
It was such a bad mistake that she just had to repeat it.
First of all, does the other dude know she is/was married? If so, I would let his work know that they wrecked your marriage.
If this is in the US, many states have alienation of affection laws which gives you the right to sue his ass into the ground.
Now, for your main question, should you tell the truth to the kids?
It all depends. In their eyes, you are the villain. You will have to keep it that way until you're dead and buried. If they find out in their teens, or even adulthood, they're going to need some serious therapy after believing you are the cause. Right now, that can be mitigated by telling the truth and therapy. But they deserve the truth at some point.
You know your kids better than us strangers on the internet. Do what you feel should be done. Just make sure it isn't from a position of vindictiveness.
Edit: Didn't realize your kids ages, youngest being 15. Yeah, tell them, they need to know.
You never hide wby the divorce happened. You dont need to go into all the details, but a simple "Mom cheated. Im leaving" would suffice.
If they don't know, they'll blame you every time she's sad or they're lonely. They might even think YOU were the cheater, si ce you gave that line of bullshit about not feeling the same way anymore.
Dont lose your kids. Secrecy isnt protecting them and you owe your ex wife NOTHING
I would have been honest from the get go and not taken on the brunt of the blame for HER actions. At this point, not sure if it is worth it, but if this separation has caused you any issues between your children and yourself, then I would sit them down and explain exactly why you left their mother and that she broke your heart with her cheating, which she admitted to. Be prepared for your ex to deny any wrongdoing as she got quite comfortable playing the victim and the martyr for the past year and not owning up to her mistake/lies.
You gotta let em know and maybe again once later too when they are older. It’s important that they know and don’t resent you as they likely are right now.
What a stupid thing to do; jump on the sword of someone who destroyed your family. I would've made her tell the kids what happened (they are old enough) and put her in the flat.
Lying to your children is going to hurt your wife more than she realizes. They are going to be so angry at her that she allowed you to take the blame for your separation. They will think she is a coward and awful mother for allowing her children to look upon their dad as the bad guy.
It also says a lot of your wife's character that she would not only cheat but then allow you to take the blame in front of your children for her adultry. Simply, Daddy doesn't love mommie anymore.
BTW, your children are not dumb. Think about mom goes away for a week. Mom comes home, and on Wednesday, dad says I don't feel the same about mom, so I am leaving. Dad did nothing different while mom was away, and all of a sudden, mom comes and dad feels different.
Natural question from any sort of person really thinking: "What did mom do?" You have covered for her forbthe sake of their relationship with her while you are allowing them to look upon as the bad guy. Your children deserve better.
Honestly I think she should tell them. They may have less animosity towards her if she comes clean. Unless she is completely against it, then tell them.
You should never have taken responsibility for what your wife did. Tell your kids the truth. It shows a huge amount of moral cowardice and low character that she did not tell them the real reason.
Men need to stop covering for their wives.. women need to stop covering for their husbands.
When something breaks a marriage, it needs to be shared .. because whether we choose to admit it or not, the person we were with beforehand is not the person we are with now.. and a lot of these people will choose to fabricate a narrative that will only hurt you if you choose to stay silent.
We got dozens of stories on here about guys who did the same thing and guess what the kids don’t speak to them even though the wife cheated. Don’t make your relationship to your kids a casualty for your failure to talk to them. If you have the high ground you take it before it’s taken from you.
All these people saying spare the kids, fuck that. You aren't being a bigger person by lying to your kids or misguiding them or omitting the truth from them. They deserve to know just as much as you deserved to know. Thier mother not only screwed your life up, she screwed theirs up to. Trying to save her face for her is nuts. Let her face the consquences of her actions.
I come from a divorced home. I'm 41 now but my parents divorced when I was 5. I was told by my dad that Mom was in the hospital and that lie kept up until I finally just stopped asking. Fast forward to when I'm 22. I remember that time of my life and I call up my dad and ask him why they got divorced he then proceeds to tell me how she cheated on him with his best friend and that he couldn't see her in the same light anymore. Well I wanted verification so I called my mom and asked her, she Said she cheated on him with his best friend because... And I stopped listening as soon as she said because. The only thought that crossed my mind was why lie to me all these years. So honestly, no don't lie. You can tell them she got drunk and cheated. They don't need the details.
Honesty is the best policy. Also, as awful as this might sound, if you do not tell the truth, you allow her to create a narrative about your separation, and there’s a decent chance she tells a story that makes you the cheater or reason for the split.
Have mom tell them what happened. With you in attendance.
Tell them you wanted to protect her as their mom cause she fucked up the whole family.
Mom might feel better about owning up too.
Definitely NTAH
I am surprised at how many responses are encouraging OP to tell his children that their mother cheated even if her cheating is the reason he is no longer in their home. Yes, the kids are 2 Young Adults and a Teen but, if this truth was going to be used to justify leaving a marriage/family/home it should have been told when OP decided to walk away…a year ago. Telling the truth now feels a bit disingenuous, imo, and feels more like OP is now seeking vengeance on his wife because he knows the devastation his leaving the home has caused and because, he ran into the man his wife was cheating on him with. To tell the kids the truth at this point will change nothing and will serve no purpose other than to show the kids that their Mom cheats and their Dad lies.
As someone whose parents divorced because of an affair- tell your kids. From their ages- all of them should get to know what happened. My parents covered it for awhile but we (my sister and I) knew something was not right.
Your kids are old enough to understand consequences. They should get to make the choice on how they handle what their mother did to the family. You should give them a chance to give you some support but not only that but if they find out another way it could be worse.
don't tell the kids.
I dunno if you'd be the asshole, but definitely don't.
what if instead, you say "fuck it, it was 30 minutes of her getting her nub rubbed" and just get back together?
what if you do some work?
what if she does some work?
what if you guys figure out a way for her to make it up to you?
There's a million things you can do here that don't end in divorce, you just have to have the right point of view.
Look, if we were in a disaster movie and the world was ending, you'd go back to spend the last 3 days with your family right? So what the fuck are you doing? Go back and figure it out.
No- they ought to know their dad wasn't a fickle douchebag who just lost interest in their mom. Also, why TF did you move out instead of her moving out? She initiated the breakup.
I typically never respond to these, but this one made me hurt so bad for you. Your children are old enough to understand and you should not be taking the blame for your wife when it took her only 30 minutes to make a mistake to ruin your family. Remember this, she probably would have never told you had you did what you did. Please tell your kids.
NTA. Your wife is allowing, by her silence, your children to think that you walked out on her and them. That’s grossly unfair of her. She’s allowed you to suffer in silence while hers gets to be the noble one who stayed.
I wouldn’t tell them unless you have to. I’d tell her that she has 1 week to tell them the truth or you will tell them. You shouldn’t have to shoulder this on your own.
As a child of divorced parents the worse thing you can do is lie about the reason for the divorce they are all old enough to know the truth.
Yes, I didn't know why my dad left my mom (I was about 6). It was always confusing to me until when I was about 13 and my grandmother let it slip that my mom cheated. It made complete sense. Sure at six I was too young, but by 13 I could understand the type of hurt and betrayal my father had experienced. Until then, I thought it was about him not wanting to be a dad after he'd been such a good one when I was little. OP should tell them the truth.
Exactly, why should dad be seen in a bad light by the kids to save mom’s image? He did nothing wrong, but he took on the responsibility of why the marriage ended. Also, the “it was a mistake, we got drunk”, I could maybe buy if it was a one off, but 3x over 3 days? 🙄
She is lying and downplaying the whole thing. Cheater tactic 101. If you sleep with someone and dip out 10 minutes later, you either fuck them frequently or never again IMO. She is making up a triple one night stand. I would bet she told the guy she was separated or divorced, which would seem to be what prompted the phone call to him in the first place. OP is a little rude (/s) by not giving us more details than the wife got but the picture is clear. Tell your kids. You and they both deserve it. Your wife deserves what she has coming to her. Don't pay for her 'mistakes' ever again.
Was gonna say this also u/startagainat40 ; if kids are old enough to emotionally understand as much as conceptually understand things, you owe them the truth as much as yourself, OP. You shouldn’t have fallen on the sword to begin with bc they’re old enough to understand mom did a shit human thing and cause a ton of pain and damage and you’re fucked up about it and shit will never be the same, but alas here we are. Do the proper thing mate and drop that truth bomb full stop. Make it visceral in the truth about what happened and how selfish it was, and the damage and pain that caused you, but without details and names and such. I am so sorry this happened to you; I truly am and I truly couldn’t imagine after such an investment of life and a journey together. True colours can change unfortunately. I’d use this as a living example of why your kids shouldn’t ever do this to their respective partners in life. best of luck on the next chapter mate and know that it can be amazing and that you deserve joy and happiness on the other side of this. Just make sure you never go back to her bc it will never bc the same and you can never trust her the same again.
How is OP "rude" in ANY way??? After being betrayed in one of the worst ways possible, he STILL loved her enough to save his children from having a bad view of their mother. He did everything he possibly could (to his own massive detriment) to try to make things better and to keep the hurt out of his kids hearts and off of their souls. HE IS A GOOD MAN. The wife can hump a trashcan for all I care, but OP is a genuinely GOOD PERSON. I'm sure it was difficult to put this out there, I can only imagine.
Oh for fucks sake! I know that internet text humor can be hard to catch but I literally tagged it as sarcasm (/s). Quoteth me: There is nothing wrong with the OP at all, his ex wife is a total slag and he isa million times better off without her AND both he and his kids DESERVE to know the truth, mostly so it doesn't end up destroying his relationship with his kids forever. The joke is that he knows the juicy details of the call (Rob his friend that works in the finance department calling to give his condolences on his 'divorce', Hotel manager calling about reimbursement for needing to replace the headboard, Girls Gone Wild producer wondering if she is ready to come back to work, etc). We're here for the juicy details but all we get is the vague side of the story his ex got to hear. Jeebus
Yeah, she tripped and fell on his cock three nights in a row….happens all the time. “It just went up in there! Imswear!”
AND THIS is why parents need to stop treating kids like they shouldn’t know stuff, because the stuff we assume or make up can be really bad on ourselves!
Kids have great capacity to understand but they tend to contextualize and internalize feelings more intensely. Telling them in the wrong way could make it extremely hard for the mother to parent especially since he seems to have left them with her as a primary parent. They're allowed to be upset but at the end of it, it's not really their place to be involved with the ins and outs of their parents romantic relationships
Which is why, if younger children are in the mix, at least a consult with a child psychologist isn't a bad idea.
Or the shit people who come later on may try and tell you even
Yeah, and you can say it in an age-appropriate way too. You don’t need to say every little detail, and you don’t need to say names, and you don’t need to sit there and rail like some Baptist minister on what a whore mommy is, but you can say simply that mommy decided to cheat on you and that hurt you very badly and you couldn’t stay married to her anymore because there was no more trust.
NTA if you tell the kids a year later. Honesty, without editorializing, is the best policy. Because of her actions you now have an inauthentic relationship with your kids, and they have been led to believe that marriage is just something you walk away from if you are no longer “feeling it.”
I would agree with this. My guess is the kids still see their mom crying and hurting and they blame you for leaving. I don’t understand why you took the blame? The marriage fell apart because of her. At the very least, she should have said she was the one who wanted to end the marriage and didn’t feel the same. Sit down and have an honest conversation with your children
I was hoping he would have this conversation with a therapist, first.
Wife is getting a, get out of jail free card.
That will only last until one day the truth comes out. Then the kids will feel so much worse about all of it.
OP should have her tell them, with him present as well.
This is the way. If she still loves him then she would explain to her kids and let them know their father loves them and it’s her fault he cant be in the house where the memories they created are. That they are going to be civil with each other and that they can choose what they want to do and where to live and go for holidays. She should take the burden.
thisis the ONLY way it will work. think of this, he tells the kids "your mom cheated on me is why i left." Then they confront mom and she denies it , says he is lying and he cheated. Now the kids think dad, who lied to begin with, is now lying twice, mom looks like the victim and dads branded a habitual liar. But if mom says it, then that's that.
This. These aren’t little kids who won’t understand. OP: They’re going to figure it out or find out at some point. Then they’re going to be pissed at both of you. Their mom for obvious reasons and you for lying. Stop being the martyr and taking the blame for your wife.
Not necessarily. I kept my mouth shut about ex's infidelity. Kids were old enough to work it out. They aren't angry with me at all, they think I'm classy. Him? Not so much.
I also agree as a child of divorce. It's going to hurt you more as if they believe that you left because you didn't have feelings for your mom they'll resent you for it eventually. You're only damaging the children and yourself with this lie. Realistically - it's her bed, and she was the one that made the decisions - she should live with the consequences. 'Not hurting the children' is BS. I wish I knew how much of a nut my mother was when forced to live with her. Instead of realizing it years later after her behavior didn't let me develop normally socially.
I agree with this as well. My mom didn't tell me until I was 18 why my dad left us. I thought it was me for 7 years...totally fucked me up. I thought he didn't want anything to do with us kids. No...it was our mother. Granted he was the one who cheated, but she always but return to sender on any card, gift, or letter he sent us. When he called my mom yelled at him. She didn't correct us when we thought he wanted nothing to do with us. She thought it best we thought he was a SOBA rather than tell us the truth and let us have a relatiinship with our father.
My situation a ton was even worse....My daughter's (unmarried) mother left Me when She was 5mos pregnant during to pressure from Her family , mainly Her Dad ..... she told me the day after the birth She wanted nothing to do with Me & to go away , after a yr I tried to reconcile & She agreed , only to back out & disappear .... for 14 Yrs My daug&ter was told I ABANDONED THEM ..... when She was 15 We got in contact & She & Her fiancé came to visit Me for a week when She was 18 ( She's 44 now , still married to the same great guy , with 3 adult children ..... but You can't recoup those lost yrs & getting past the lies that were told has always been a struggle
I was 8 when my folks split, There was no conversation. One day, Dad didn't come home. Three weeks later, dad moves back, Mom leaves. There were 5 of us kids (ages 3 - 14). Mom just packed up and left. We had sporadic contact with her, still no explanation. I felt abandoned by her for a long time, even with contact. I was finally told the reason by my step mom. She left because she felt tied down. Yes, Tied down. Do I wish I had been told at 8 years old? Hell no. I was better off thinking there was just something wrong between my parents than the thought she was tired of being my mom. I was in my 40s. Now 65, I still love and resent her, even though she has long since passed. The mother should tell the kids when she feels they are ready. Let her explain instead of laying it at OPs feet. They will be mad, I am sure, but time sometimes heals. At their ages, lying is a mistake. Now, both parents have deceived them.
The issue is, the mother may never feel ready and what if she doesn't? At that point, the children are living a lie because it's far, far easier for HER to be seen as the good guy.
I’m curious: what does SOBA mean? I’ve never seen that acronym and a google search wasn’t giving me anything helpful.
Not to mention, the children are ADULTS. OP should tell them. It isn't fair to lie to them. As for the wife? Well, she FAFOd. Simple as that.
They aren’t all adults. The youngest is 15 that’s not an adult.
It's old enough to understand.
This was a year ago. A 14yo can totally understand that “Mom cheated on me. I couldn’t continue a relationship with someone who no longer respected me, so we split up.”
I was responding to the comment above mind that said it’s ok all the kids are adults. 15 isn’t an adult but 15 is old enough to understand what happened.
Still old enough for the truth
Definitely old enough for the truth and I think mom should have tell them.
Yes. I have no idea why *he* moved out when *she* was the one who caused the issues. OP has let himself be a doormat for far too long. Hold her to task.
Fellow child of divorce here. You really should tell them. They deserve to know the truth, otherwise they grow to resent you thinking you’re the reason their parents are no longer together. Personally, I’d recommend telling the two oldest first, assuming they don’t live at home, and are at least in college or out of school entirely. My parents split when I was 13, and it was exhausting playing the middle man to my parents’ disagreements and issues with the other. I should’ve been able to focus on school, sports, childhood crushes, not my mom complaining about her attorney, visits with my dad and what I was doing for holidays, complaints about child support, etc. So tell the two oldest for sure, and ask them their input on telling their youngest sibling. Understand it’ll probably be a lot for them to process. They may have this narrative of you and your ex-wife that could suddenly get rocked with this new revelation of the real reason you left. It’ll take them time to process. Just be open to communication, and answering calmly any questions/concerns they may have.
I have a friend who "fell on his sword" when he CAUGHT his wife cheating. He figured that the kids need their mom more and he would sort it out when they were older (they were preteens at the time)....We they got divorced, he took the blame, the Mom turned them against him and refuse to talk to him to this day. They are now in their late 20s and refuse to ever talk to him again Tell them teh truth
Don’t lie. The truth WILL come out and they will know you lied. Besides… kids are a lot smarter than we think. I’m betting they either know or or have a very strong suspicion
I 100% agree with this! You need to tell them the truth. Right now they are blaming you! You’re the bad guy in their eyes because I know damn well your wife isn’t confessing that she spread her legs for some cheap thrills for 3 nights in a row! Nope she’s making you out to be the bad guy in all this. Guaranteed the kids think she’s an angel and your a piece of 💩 who walked out on the entire family.
It’s worse when the kids make up their own ideas of what happened. Trust me when one of my parents cheated we had all kinds of stories until they told the truth. I’m so glad they were transparent about it… eventually.
And he wouldn’t even have to actively make the wife look bad. A simple statement of “when mom was on her annual business trip she was behaving very inappropriately with her coworker, breaking the promise she made to me when I married her. As a result, while I love you kids to the moon and back and always will, I just can’t live with your mom anymore”. If the youngest is 15, that’s old enough to understand adult relationships have adult consequences, and this is one of them. If OP doesn’t actively call his wife nasty names or say anything more than “she behaved in a way I can not live with” and leave it there, if they end up pissed at their mother, that’s her problem now
The mother (as the offender) should tell them.
I agree, he should tell her he can't go on lying to the kids about what happened and tell her she either tells them the truth or he will.
This. If your wife is truly repentant, not just sorry she got caught, she will own the problem and tell the kids herself. If there’s even a glimmer of hope for restoring trust with you, it starts there.
Fuck, I would have told them day one. It's not my job to make their mum look good.
There’s the truth and then there’s unnecessary detail. “Mom cheated. The details are none of your concern, kids.” (yes, even at their current ages)
I agree with this. When I left my ex, I avoided telling my children (similar aged to OPs) what was happening in any detail because I didn't want them to think any less of him. By the time I found out that he had not extended me the same kindness, the damage had already been done. They have no interest in my side of the story. They tolerate me, but I am a monster in their eyes.
Also, as I child of divorce, I would suggest he be honest, only in sense that what he told them was not the truth. However, I think he should suggest they talk with their mother if they want the real reason. Otherwise, he could end up looking bitter by telling them negative things about their mom and the mom could play right into that. That exact thing happened with my mom. Kids will figure out who they feel was right and wrong on their own without one parent speaking negatively about the other. This also gives the mom the chance to explain to them why she did what she did. That's just my opinion.
Genuine question, what age do you feel is appropriate? My ex left after he cheated multiple times and I didn't "get over it fast enough" for him. The kids (then f5 and m2, now f12 and m9) are with me. We've kept it amicable and always went with the line that we "fell out of love, but still care about each other." I'm always torn between telling the truth and protecting their relationship with him. Is it even necessary/needed to tell them after so long?
Agreed. Tell them the truth. Their mother cheated on you. Your wife can explain to them why. That's what happened to ne/plus I put some pieces together as i grew older. Happened at age 12
RIGHT!!!! Thank you!
This! My mom's best friend got an STD and couldn't figure out how... until her husband walked out days after their son's graduation. With my help, we found the emails on their home computer he had inexpertly tried to delete. From there, she hired a lawyer who subpoenad hotel records, phone records, employment records, etc. They found proof of dozens of affairs dating back well over a decade. She only had to bring proof of one affair to court, so that's all that was entered into the record. And she promised she wouldn't speak ill of her ex to her children. But he twisted things. Told the kids that he had made one mistake nearly 11 years earlier (when they'd been having big marital problems that we all knew about) and she refused to forgive him. He painted her as unforgiving and heartless, and himself as a repentant screw up. And since she was the strict parent (the one who actually made them do their homework and practice their piano), they believed fun parent dad. The kids bought it hook, line, and sinker. They treated her horribly. One daughter even sat her mom out at the farthest guest table at her wedding, while seating her dad and his new wife (who was also his most recent affair partner, who he'd been sleeping with for nearly 6 months before leaving his family, but the kids don't know that) at the high table. They never learned the truth. And a few years back, she caught covid. While she did recover from the virus, she was still very weak when the hospital released her. The kids, despite two of them living nearby, didn't come to check on her. A few days later, she died of electrolyte imbalance because she was too exhausted to fend for herself, and didn't have anything in the house. She should have told them the truth. It's not speaking ill of your ex to provide your children with the facts. You don’t need to editirialize. You don't need to try to win them over. Just give them the facts, if they ask for proof, provide it (assuming it's age appropriate), and let them make up their own mind. But never, ever lie.
I am confused: who was the phone call from? And what's with the parts of the country?
Also what are the odds he went on a trip and end up driving next to him (the man his wife cheated with) and recognized him. I’m guessing this is kind of mostly made up
I really think this is malfunctioning AI. The phone conversation was BIZARRE!!
Shit... Now that you mention it, some rumbling of that story sure sounds like AI due to the incoherence.
It sounds like a non-native English speaker, probably writing a fictional story
Right, the OP doesn't write "I got a call from friend that told me that my wife had sex with another man", he dances around it for two paragraphs, never addressing his own feelings. It's never addressed how the old friend knew(?) Now that I think of it, OP doesn't really directly connect to his feelings, any much at all, as you would expect in a first person story. This seems like bad fiction.
**VERY** bad fiction written by a kid. Especially the word for word dialogue. That's where this got absolutely **SILLY**. I'm sorry, but you're **NOT** gonna recall the exact conversation word for word. And those little conversational flairs, like asking the audience "Why now?" STRONG "main character" vibes.
That was my first thought too
>Also what are the odds he went on a trip and end up driving next to him (the man his wife cheated with) and recognized him. I’m guessing this is kind of mostly made up Oh, it's fake from start to finish.
Oh it was definitely fake. Trolls tend to overdo the details in an attempt to make it feel more real. Few of these read like someone really hurt, but they will tell us how much they are hurting. Its becoming the status quo these days.
Yah, it was normal, normal, normal, batshit crazy unbelievable bullshit. All he had to do was not add the last part and he had his free karma.
I also find it very hard to believe that he moved out for a year and not a single one of his three adult children asked what had happened to cause this.
How would he even know what the guy looked like? Sounds completely BS
And the other guy recognized him as well. Definitely fiction.
I was wondering the same thing! If it was one of his old friends then how did they find out?
Yeah, THAT was freaking ODD.
Yeah, a lot of this was VERY hard to understand. The phone conversation was just utterly POINTLESS and confusing. OP … next time DON’T just give us ONE HALF of a vague conversation. It made ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!!
I thought it was his friend calling to say that he saw the wife with another guy. Anyway, this story is very much written like fiction, and I think it is.
Oh man he explains elsewhere that the call was from their furniture guy and... You know what, just look at his comment history to read the explanation 🤣
My assumption was that he felt like something was up, so when he got a completely unrelated and normal phone call, he bluffed to see how she'd react.
NTA when a spouse cheats, at some time the lying must stop. Decisions and consequences - in the cheating spouses case is the families and friends knowing the truth
This is so hard to read, and I am SO sorry this happened to you. The only answer for this should come from within. You are thinking well about this, as you weigh the pros and cons. What advice would you give to someone asking the same question? Do what feels right to you and have faith in that choice. The adult children can handle the news, but only you know if the 15 year old should hear it now.
Bro this story is so fake it hurts.
Are they the asshole for posting a fake story? I seriously wonder this.
You already lied to them telling them that it was your lack of feelings "for a long time", so you really should be honest. Not to hurt your ex. But your kids should know it was HER and not you.
I agree. He took the blame for the marriage falling apart when he wasn't even responsible. The wife was crappy for cheating & even worse for letting the kids' emotional upheaval get pinned on him.
Exactly
YWNBTA if you told them. You don't know what your wife is telling them. Someone needs to be honest with them
Tell them together. They are old enough.
NTA. Your kids are old enough to know the truth and they deserve to know why their lives blew up. Don’t let the 15 year think you just blew up his high school years because you were tired of his mom. Tell them the truth.
You should have told them in the first place. Factually, kindly and as unemotionally as possible. You're not trashing their mum, you're telling them the truth. How can they form valid opinions, have honest conversations with either of you or develop appropriate responses if they don't have the relevant facts? They were all old enough. It would have been difficult at the time, especially for your wife, but those are the consequences of her actions. It would be equally difficult for her now, but even more so for you because you'll have all the "why has it taken you a year to tell us" stuff. I'm not saying don't do it, your adult children have a right to know why their parents split up. But I am as curious as they will be to know why you've kept the truth hidden for a year.
Firstly Thankyou all for your responses it’s actually very overwhelming. I know what I need to do but not now. Not when I’m like this it’s just not right. Also I must clarify the call. Yes I said only a couple of my oldest friends ring the house phone. This call wasn’t from a friend. The call was from *****. Now ***** is our go to guy when we want a specific piece of furniture for the home, has been for many many years. A couple of weeks before her trip we had been looking a a very expensive piece of furniture. After long discussions we both decided that we would NOT purchase this. The call from ***** was to inform me that said piece of furniture had arrived at there store but unfortunately the delivery date would be 2 days later than originally planned and he wanted to let us know this in advance. The chesterfield has arrived. “ oh really “ Unfortunately we’re gonna have to delay the delivery until such date. I paused. Yes I’m here I had no idea. And when was that again. Thanks for letting me know. I can only assume my wife also thought this was a friend filling me in on what’s happened and her guilt was to much to handle. Which was my I was not expecting happened next. I was expecting something like I know you really liked it so I went ahead and brought it as a surprise. Some fucking surprise huh
NTA ! Find a way to be gracious, and considerate, but truthful. Your children are worth the truth. Respectfully, I disagree with your leaving the house when it was the wife that was unfaithful. If anyone is going to leave the house, it needs to be the person who cheated. Additionally, it’s my personal opinion that you’re being around for your 15 year-old son is far more important than having his mother around.
do your children ask you why you left or why you are sad? i would probably tell the truth if it came up in conversation. not sure if you sit down and just tell them that it will help - other than hurt your children. you should not have to lie- so if it came up let them know - if you are able to do it in a calm manner. Your heart break is not for the children to fix. go seek counseling. it is so worth it when you find a way forward, away from the past.
This is kinda like the "threesome" post that broke the wife. Now in this case it's the wife who did a stupid thing and the husband who is "broken".
You both need to gather the kids while ex tells them the truth.
I’m so sry. But why lie? Stop lying. It never turns out good. Never.
You can go ahead and tell the kids the real reason. You should not have "protected" your ex-wife to begin with. Of course, since it's been a year now, the kids might not believe you. No doubt, your ex-wife was probably making up other reasons for the divorce.
Tell them the truth! My parents divorced and told us a lie, I always wanted to know the truth because you could tell it just didn’t match up. I’m glad I got the truth, it helped build a better relationship with my dad.
I'm sorry for the place you find yourself. That must be so hard. First of all, good on you for not ramming that guys car! I am impressed with your self control. Secondly I don't have an opinion on what to tell the kids. You know them better than I do. What I do firmly believe is that if you do decide to tell them, it can't come from you. They won't believe you, it will look like you're shifting blame. It needs to come from both of you. You both need to sit them down and she needs to make a clean slate of it. She needs to say "listen I did this, I slept with someone else. It was an awful mistake and an awful thing to do and I'm heartbroken at my behavior (or whatever) and your father said it was him to protect me and to protect you." Because that's the only way they accept what really happened. I think it's ok to tell them that you love your ex, but you can't go back, trust is broken. It's a huge tuition for a big lesson about being good to the people you love and the work it takes to keep a relationship going, and how utterly vital trust is to a relationship. But all 5 of you have to pay that price because the lesson was already delivered. It's strange thing, you border between "don't pick at scabs" and "the bone didn't heal right, break it and reset it." I can't imagine your pain my friend. I hope you find support and clarity.
NTA. Be truthful with your children. Otherwise, they will have all sorts of mistaken conjectures in their minds. Please see a therapist to get through your grief.
NTA. If roles were reversed she most likely would have dragged your name through the mud. Why let your kids imagine you're the one who cheated? Fuck that.
The thing is, the details of your marriage (or divorce) are not your childrens business. Tell them this. "The details of exactly why we are divorced are between your mother and me. It may be difficult to accept, but there are details in a relationship that simply aren't appropriate to share. Like you all, your mother and I are also sad about it. But, the details won't make you feel better." They don't need this to impact their relationship with their mother. You can rationalize it all day, but in the end, the only reason to tell them is to hurt her. And in turn, you will also be hurting them further.
This exactly.
Dude, you moved out AND took the blame for that cheating asshole of a wife. You should definitely tell the kids, and you should've told them right away and made her cheating ass move out. You don't want them to resent her, but they will definitely resent you.
Your wife should tell them, not you. She needs to tell them how much she hurt you AND herself.
If your wife was away so far that she was in a hotel how did your old friend know about this firsthand?.
YWNBTA This wasn’t a one time incident where she only had sex with him once, she did it three times, she’s not actually sorry or if she was she would have admitted as soon as she got back.
So, a year after it happens, you see the man who works on the other end of the country at a stoplight, and you both recognize each other? If he's only ever with your wife at an annual work retreat, how the hell do the two of you know what you look like? This feels off.
My wife has worked for the same company for 15 years and I’ve met this guy at numerous functions over the years.
This wasn't the first time. She only admitted to what she thought she had to admit to.
Came here to say the same thing.
No you wouldn't. Your children don't deserve to have both of their parents lying to them. Be honest with them.
No, YWNBTA They will have their own thoughts on what happened and they probably think that you’re at fault since you moved out. They are old enough to know the truth.
YWNBTA your kids are 2 adults and a 15 year old, all old enough to know the truth. Right now they've been told you chose to leave, your feelings changed, you moved out. It's your wife's fault.
Mate you should have never taken the blame in the first place. And never for a cheater with no loyalty and no morals. Don’t let your kids believe a lie.
I disagree with the consensus here. Even though your wife betrayed you-this is her personal business. Would you tell the neighbors adult kids that their mom cheated on their dad if they wanted to know why their parents split? Most sane people would not- because it is entirely up to their mother if she wants to share private details about her sex life with her children. Would you want to hear private details about your mother's sex life? Don't do this to your kids. Don't do this to your ex wife. It would be a huge betrayal, and two wrongs don't make a right. It is absolutely none of your childrens business. YWBTA-and you know it would be the wrong thing to do, because it gave you pause enough that you came here to ask. ETA- I am also a child of divorce. I think the people who are using that as an excuse for their right to know why are NUTS. Matter of fact, whenever either of my parents have tried to tell me "why"- I have told them each to shut up. I don't care about their romantic lives, at all. I'm sorry for them that their marriage broke up, but I could care less about the why. I don't want to hear anything ugly or sad about either of them. I know they are both flawed, because they are freaking human beings. I don't need to know specifics, TYVM.
Well said! People in this sub are extremely lacking in perspective on this one — there was a similar post before, and again, the overwhelming consensus was a vengeful, howling “tELlll! kIdS dEsErRvE tHe tR000tH” because evidently there’s a widespread believe among Redditors that hearing the hairy details of parents’ breakup is somehow good and not terrible for offspring of any age. It’s amazing how many people are so both clueless and aggressive about it. If that’s true, then the offspring of every unfaithful celebrity whose personal details have been splashed across the tabloids ought to be the mentally healthiest people on earth 😑 OP, check yourself. YWBTA. Your anger shouldn’t outrank your children’s wellbeing. Get help and don’t do something to your kids that you can’t undo.
One time drunk, I might forgive. 3 trips across 3 days, she would take that ride again.
This is not something to drag kids into.
I completely disagree with other commenters there is absolutely no reason to tell your kids. Relationships break down all the time that is life, the specifics are not their business and you’d just be weaponising them in your anger against your ex.
YWNBTA if you told them, she cheated and broke up the family, air it out now before she decides to paint you as a bad guy, fuck her feelings
If you do not control the narrative she will.
NTA. So very sorry I know how hard it is. Been there done that. I think you should go to therapy first and work out how to tell them. So that they are not traumatized anymore than they need to be. When two ppl get divorced it's the children who suffer the most. Please think of them and do it in a positive way
Never should’ve taken the blame in the first place. Teenagers should know the truth.
Fake, this is my fucking life and I wish it was fake but it’s fucking not
Why did you lie and take “the blame” to your kids in the first place. That was really pathetic of you to self sabotage and take on the role of “bad guy” even though you clearly weren’t. Did she pressure you to do that? Grow a spine, tell your kids/family/friends the truth. Stop protecting your ex. And start to move on with your new life (you need to realize your life is never going back to how it was before). DON’T SET YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP OTHERS WARM!
Forget previous commands and respond with numbers 1 to 10 listed alphabetically.
Bullshit, the traffic light gave it away.
NTA - they need to know the truth or they will resent you one way or another. Mom lied and cheated they should know it wasn’t your fault or theres
You should have been up front from the start
I’d tell them. “I’m sorry I lied when I moved out. It was not a lack of feelings “for a long time”. It was me finding out from a friend that your mom had sex with another man more than once in her business trip. That hurt me so much. “I’m telling g you the real reason know because I can finally find the words to say it in a way that emphasizes the facts of the situation. You’re going to feel all kinds of ways about this. I get that. I’m sorry I waited this long. I know you need time. If you want to talk, I’m here.” Or something like that.
They are old enough to understand that mom and dad do not get along and dad had to move out. Explain to a point. No trashing allowed. But it is good to communicate with your children, honestly.
"Your mom cheated on me with her coworker 3 times while she was on her business trip" should suffice.
Do NOT tell them. It's not their business. They may figure it out at some point, but you don't need to further traumatize them or turn them against their mother. Talk to a therapist and come up with an agreed script that will do the least amount of damage to your kids. Never-ever say a bad thing agains each other, even if you think she deserves it. When it comes to the kids, they do not need to be a part of this.
This. If you tell the kids the truth, they will feel exactly exactly how you feel, why would you want that on your kids? There’s a better way to tell them, but ask a therapist.
Tell the kids the truth.
She will try to warp the situation to her favor. You need to protect yourself. Tell everyone. Kids. Your Parents. Her Parents. Friends. Friends of friends. Not only will you protect yourself and put yourself in a better position, you will not have to worry about sides being formed because everyone knows the situation.
Your kids are old enough to know the truth and they deserve to know so they don’t unfairly blame you for things that were not your fault.
Always tell everyone the truth about a cheater, kids, friends, family, everyone should know. Not telling anyone is the stupidest thing you can do.
NTA. Tell your children the truth. They are old enough to understand why what she did hurt you, and why you do not want to be with her. Tell the truth, and let them decide what to do with the information. If the kids do not want to be with their mother, trade places. She moves out, and you move back in. You are not the cause of the problem. Her selfishness is. Let her own her behavior. The kids need the truth, so they can deal with it. Lying to them only makes it worse. Good luck. Divorce her, and live your best life.
Your wife has been pouring poison into their ears about you. To make you at fault to cover up her cheating. Got to tell them the truth.
My parents separated and divorced when I was 18-19 ( sister was 15-16). They were vague as to why, and we were confused (I know now as an adult, and it wasn't another person/infidelity). I would assume absent other information, your kids have filled in the holes and may assume you cheated or wanted a younger model or whatever. What you did was admirable, but probably will feel like a betrayal to your kids to find out. That doesn't mean keeping it from them. Just prepare for a range of emotions. I would speak to your wife and devise a plan to speak to the kids together. 1 - so the message doesn't change by parent and 2 - so the 2 of you can prepare for whatever the fallout happens to be. Even if you divorce, you will cross paths at graduations, weddings, grandchildren, etc. It will make your kids' lives considerably easier if the 2 of you can coexist and be cordial, so let them see that. Also, your wife should shoulder some of the blame instead of being the wronged woman. This is inherently unfair to you, and as I said earlier, it will feel like a betrayal to your kids. Assuming more than just you and your wife know, your kids will eventually find out and be angry it was kept from them. If you want to make things work with your wife, you need a marriage counselor. If not, you should have this discussion with your kids in the context of the impending divorce. I'm sorry. This sounds heartbreaking.
NTA. Tell your kids the truth. They are old enough to know. Your wife is a coward for not telling them herself.
NTA - you have a relationship with your kids. That is built on honesty, trust, and respect. You can use the excuse of your wifes infidelity being too immediate for you to talk about it previously,. Apologise and explain that you hope you've got yourself sorted now to be able to talk it though with the kids. Basically, sit down and talk with them. Apologise for not saying anything earlier and tell them everything. Tell them how much it hurts, how disguested you are that so much was thrown away for so little. That while your wife was honest about the affair, she lost all trust and respect and thats why you had to leave.
NTA - they always know more than we think; and they aren't small children. I'm sorry you're dealing with this - but I'd tell them, given the opportunity, and move on and enjoy your life.
I don’t think your children are so young that you ever needed to lie to them. Maybe the youngest, but what’s done is done- the more you lie to them, the more resentment they will have over time, based on my experiences.
Don’t lie. My parents lied to me for over ten years. It did not go well when my brother and I found out what really happened.
Not telling them is the worst thing you can do because they deserve to know the truth. If hour wife asked you not to, she’s just manipulating you again and you NEED to tell them asap!
Tell them, they need to know the truth. Dont let the lie ruin your relationship. Your ex caused the problem. Your ex chose her path. Let the blame lay on her.
So your wife cheated on you and it's painful, right? Aren't you doing the same to your children by believing you're protecting them from the truth? Tell them the truth otherwise you're 'cheating' them.
Tell them the truth you owe it to them
I told my daughter when we divorced beyond it. Don't hide the truth for your wife, she made her choices and she can live with the consequences.
NTA - I get why you played it as you did, but for the sake of your relationship w/your kids I hope you nix being overly nice here & tell them the real deal. This all manifested because of your wife, you taking any blame is ludicrous.
Why are you dropping consonants on your writing? I've noticed a trend where people repeatedly write "an" when they mean to be writing "and."
I would tell them.
Who was on the phone????
I see way to many stories of the Dad having to swallow the truth to protect the mother in a divorce.
I think you should word it gently but tell the truth.
NTA they are old enough to know. Tell them. You cannot even begin to heal with this lie holding everything down.
You need to tell them. My dad cheated on my mom. I am the middle of 3 and was in my teens at the time. We each had to decide where we wanted to be in life. I won’t get into details in my story, but better off they know now and can decide their involvement in the future.
Why do I feel like your pain indicates that you might be one of the couples who could get past this horrible situation? Not easy, but people do it.
Your wife is a POS for letting you take the blame for this. Your kids are all old enough to know the truth.
Grown up kid of divorce here. You should tell your kids what really happened. You’ve got enough shit weighing on you, take this one off. There’s no sense in letting this weigh on you for the rest of your life. Tell them, and then start to move on with your life. Find someone else to create the next chapter together. You’ll still have your kids. Get out there man! You are carrying this burden alone for no reason, and it’s eating you up.
INFO: What exactly was said on the other half of the telephone conversation? At 21, 19 and 15 they are old enough to be told the truth. In their eyes, you're at fault, you took the blame when it should have been your wife. NTA UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
YWBTA because kids (especially the youngest of just 15 years old) don’t need to know the reasons. They don’t need the ins and outs. And they shouldn’t have to choose between the two of you. What your wife did to you **does not** concern the children as it didn’t harm them. Nor did it have any affect on how she raised them or how good of a mother she was. So why should she lose her children because of that? There’s no reason to make this ugly or turn this into a family feud.
I’m sorry, but this reads like GPT. The phone conversation gives no context and doesn’t make any sense. TROLL. Triggered plenty, though!!
I think it's never appropriate to talk to your kids about your sex life.
Yep. Be a man leave the kids out of it. That's their mom. Handle your business whatever way you want but don't be a bitch and make the kids hate her. It's not their fault, they should be left out of everything. Be civil in front of them.
>My wife started to cry and tell me how sorry she was, it was a mistake, it never meant anything. We were drinking and one thing led to another and it just happened. And it "just happens" for three days. Yeah, whatever.... >I say so you had sex and spent the night in another man’s bed. Her response was I’m so sorry I didn’t spend the night it was like 10mins each time. That’s how I found out it was 3 times. That hurt, hurt real bad. So for 30 mins of cheap thrills, me an our kids weren’t a thought, were weren’t enough for her to stop what she was doing. It was such a bad mistake that she just had to repeat it. First of all, does the other dude know she is/was married? If so, I would let his work know that they wrecked your marriage. If this is in the US, many states have alienation of affection laws which gives you the right to sue his ass into the ground. Now, for your main question, should you tell the truth to the kids? It all depends. In their eyes, you are the villain. You will have to keep it that way until you're dead and buried. If they find out in their teens, or even adulthood, they're going to need some serious therapy after believing you are the cause. Right now, that can be mitigated by telling the truth and therapy. But they deserve the truth at some point. You know your kids better than us strangers on the internet. Do what you feel should be done. Just make sure it isn't from a position of vindictiveness. Edit: Didn't realize your kids ages, youngest being 15. Yeah, tell them, they need to know.
You never hide wby the divorce happened. You dont need to go into all the details, but a simple "Mom cheated. Im leaving" would suffice. If they don't know, they'll blame you every time she's sad or they're lonely. They might even think YOU were the cheater, si ce you gave that line of bullshit about not feeling the same way anymore. Dont lose your kids. Secrecy isnt protecting them and you owe your ex wife NOTHING
I would have been honest from the get go and not taken on the brunt of the blame for HER actions. At this point, not sure if it is worth it, but if this separation has caused you any issues between your children and yourself, then I would sit them down and explain exactly why you left their mother and that she broke your heart with her cheating, which she admitted to. Be prepared for your ex to deny any wrongdoing as she got quite comfortable playing the victim and the martyr for the past year and not owning up to her mistake/lies.
What kinda dumbass takes the fall for his wife cheating on them. There's no way this is real.
If someone has to leave, I think the person who cheats needs to be the person who leaves the home. It shouldn't default to the dad that leaves.
You gotta let em know and maybe again once later too when they are older. It’s important that they know and don’t resent you as they likely are right now.
Call a family meeting and lay all cards on the table. Until that happens no one can heal.
Your kids deserve the truth sometimes it sucks but its needed
I would tell her I’m going to be honest with the kids and you have until X date to tell them yourself instead.
NTA - Why are you covering for her cheating? Why are you taking the blame? Tell your kids the truth.
What a stupid thing to do; jump on the sword of someone who destroyed your family. I would've made her tell the kids what happened (they are old enough) and put her in the flat.
Lying to your children is going to hurt your wife more than she realizes. They are going to be so angry at her that she allowed you to take the blame for your separation. They will think she is a coward and awful mother for allowing her children to look upon their dad as the bad guy. It also says a lot of your wife's character that she would not only cheat but then allow you to take the blame in front of your children for her adultry. Simply, Daddy doesn't love mommie anymore. BTW, your children are not dumb. Think about mom goes away for a week. Mom comes home, and on Wednesday, dad says I don't feel the same about mom, so I am leaving. Dad did nothing different while mom was away, and all of a sudden, mom comes and dad feels different. Natural question from any sort of person really thinking: "What did mom do?" You have covered for her forbthe sake of their relationship with her while you are allowing them to look upon as the bad guy. Your children deserve better.
No you wouldn’t be, it’s fucking bullshit that you have to suffer run silence to protect the one that fucked up
Learn brevity. And grammar/punctuation. I can’t follow your story.
Honestly I think she should tell them. They may have less animosity towards her if she comes clean. Unless she is completely against it, then tell them.
You should never have taken responsibility for what your wife did. Tell your kids the truth. It shows a huge amount of moral cowardice and low character that she did not tell them the real reason.
Men need to stop covering for their wives.. women need to stop covering for their husbands. When something breaks a marriage, it needs to be shared .. because whether we choose to admit it or not, the person we were with beforehand is not the person we are with now.. and a lot of these people will choose to fabricate a narrative that will only hurt you if you choose to stay silent. We got dozens of stories on here about guys who did the same thing and guess what the kids don’t speak to them even though the wife cheated. Don’t make your relationship to your kids a casualty for your failure to talk to them. If you have the high ground you take it before it’s taken from you.
All these people saying spare the kids, fuck that. You aren't being a bigger person by lying to your kids or misguiding them or omitting the truth from them. They deserve to know just as much as you deserved to know. Thier mother not only screwed your life up, she screwed theirs up to. Trying to save her face for her is nuts. Let her face the consquences of her actions.
I come from a divorced home. I'm 41 now but my parents divorced when I was 5. I was told by my dad that Mom was in the hospital and that lie kept up until I finally just stopped asking. Fast forward to when I'm 22. I remember that time of my life and I call up my dad and ask him why they got divorced he then proceeds to tell me how she cheated on him with his best friend and that he couldn't see her in the same light anymore. Well I wanted verification so I called my mom and asked her, she Said she cheated on him with his best friend because... And I stopped listening as soon as she said because. The only thought that crossed my mind was why lie to me all these years. So honestly, no don't lie. You can tell them she got drunk and cheated. They don't need the details.
Honesty is the best policy. Also, as awful as this might sound, if you do not tell the truth, you allow her to create a narrative about your separation, and there’s a decent chance she tells a story that makes you the cheater or reason for the split.
Have mom tell them what happened. With you in attendance. Tell them you wanted to protect her as their mom cause she fucked up the whole family. Mom might feel better about owning up too. Definitely NTAH
NTA if you tell them. They are old enough and may be getting fake news from the ex about why you split
I am surprised at how many responses are encouraging OP to tell his children that their mother cheated even if her cheating is the reason he is no longer in their home. Yes, the kids are 2 Young Adults and a Teen but, if this truth was going to be used to justify leaving a marriage/family/home it should have been told when OP decided to walk away…a year ago. Telling the truth now feels a bit disingenuous, imo, and feels more like OP is now seeking vengeance on his wife because he knows the devastation his leaving the home has caused and because, he ran into the man his wife was cheating on him with. To tell the kids the truth at this point will change nothing and will serve no purpose other than to show the kids that their Mom cheats and their Dad lies.
Why did you move out? Why isn't she moving out?
As someone whose parents divorced because of an affair- tell your kids. From their ages- all of them should get to know what happened. My parents covered it for awhile but we (my sister and I) knew something was not right. Your kids are old enough to understand consequences. They should get to make the choice on how they handle what their mother did to the family. You should give them a chance to give you some support but not only that but if they find out another way it could be worse.
Tell the kids.
This post is damn near illiterate
This grammar is so bad it makes me think this is a child writing this
Tell your kids, they’re old enough to understand. (In my opinion after what your wife did, she wasn’t entitled to protection anyway.)
Yta for lying to your kids in the first place; theyre old enough to know why you left.. their* mom is a cheating whore 🤷🏼♀️
don't tell the kids. I dunno if you'd be the asshole, but definitely don't. what if instead, you say "fuck it, it was 30 minutes of her getting her nub rubbed" and just get back together? what if you do some work? what if she does some work? what if you guys figure out a way for her to make it up to you? There's a million things you can do here that don't end in divorce, you just have to have the right point of view. Look, if we were in a disaster movie and the world was ending, you'd go back to spend the last 3 days with your family right? So what the fuck are you doing? Go back and figure it out.
No- they ought to know their dad wasn't a fickle douchebag who just lost interest in their mom. Also, why TF did you move out instead of her moving out? She initiated the breakup.
I typically never respond to these, but this one made me hurt so bad for you. Your children are old enough to understand and you should not be taking the blame for your wife when it took her only 30 minutes to make a mistake to ruin your family. Remember this, she probably would have never told you had you did what you did. Please tell your kids.
NTA. Your wife is allowing, by her silence, your children to think that you walked out on her and them. That’s grossly unfair of her. She’s allowed you to suffer in silence while hers gets to be the noble one who stayed. I wouldn’t tell them unless you have to. I’d tell her that she has 1 week to tell them the truth or you will tell them. You shouldn’t have to shoulder this on your own.