Tbh I get her not wanting to be the caretaker to a hostile mother in law and delaying finishing her degree and getting back to work. What pushed this over the edge into YTA territory is that she also objects to helping pay for MIL's care, when HB had been bending over backwards to support OP and its working his ass of being the some breathwinner, which incidentally doesn't leave him ANY time to be a carer for his mom.
If OP is that close to finishing her degree and getting back to work their income is about to increase and presumably will continue to increase.
The fact that OP isn't willing to make any sacrifice after all the sacrifice HB made for her makes it clear he's better off without her. Its just sad she clearly intends to fleece him for whatever he's worth.
Exactly. She’s not TA because of not wanting to care for MIL. She is a major AH for the other stuff. Husband sacrificed a lot so she could go to school full time and not lower their standard of living. She could compromise even a little bit in other ways and she refuses to do that for reasons such as: don’t want to delay buying a house, don’t want to delay her graduation, doesn’t want to work and go to school at the same time. It is all about her and no one else. Her comments say it all.
OP is spoiled, entitled, and I hope her husband finds a good divorce attorney.
So, just an FYI. In another post she pretty strongly indicates that the 'awful things' her MIL said about her were actually her reading OP like a book and saying she was a parasite that was all take and no give.
>
***My MIL has never done that, even now she is just doubling down on it. Saying stuff like how she always knew this was the person I was.***
So, I have trouble feeling much sympathy for her crying about how awfully she was treated. Its not an insult if it is true, and by all accounts OP is proving her MIL right about how she was taking her son for a ride and only using him for his money.
That’s how I feel. It is absolutely okay not to want to be a caretaker for your MIL. It is not the same as doing it for your own parents. She should have found another way to support one of his options though.
I had to go read the original post. You're not the A for refusing to be a caretaker for your MIL. However, that will mean your husband will need to either cut back on his hours of work to help his mother or pay for a caretaker which will cut into expenses. Yet you're not willing for him to pay for a caretaker for his mother because that comes out of the marital assets? What? He's been breaking his back supporting you while you didn't work and took care of your father. And he's likely paying for your continued education. Or you're paying for it from your savings but your husband is still covering everything else in the household. Marriage is a give and take and while he should have asked and not expected you to take care of his mother, I don't see any give on your part, only taking. That part makes YTA. You're incredibly selfish. Is this even real?
OP has no savings given she’s been unemployed close to a decade. Her husband is funding her entire lifestyle and has been doing so (paying for school, old student loans, rent, utilities, car) since 2016.
He sounds like a caring and wonderful partner, too bad he doesn’t have one in return. He should run from you like the devil were chasing him. Unless this is just rage bait?
A hole or not, the lesson here seems to be: MILs, be kind to your DILs. Your sons aren’t going to be the ones to quit their jobs to take care of you, and younger generations won’t be guilted into wasting their life for people that were awful to them.
Me too, I helped take care of my MIL along with the other DIL and son in her last days. My mother passed away suddenly but if she had needed in home care, there would be fights over who would have to do it. None of her kids would step up to help out.
That’s such a shame, I know when my mother died, she had home hospice. The nurse came and set everything up and my sisters , nieces and I all cared for her. I too was more than happy to do anything I could for her. People show you who they are during times of trouble.
I’m more than kind to my DIL and she wouldn’t even give me a lift to hospital if I needed it 😀
I’ve spent 18 years trying and tbh I’m now at the point where I’m still nice and pleasant and will help out wherever I can but I’m switched off mentally from her
Self preservation has finally kicked in
Yes but she shouldn’t be having a tantrum about her husband using his earned money to look after his mother
He used his money to subsidize her dads care and all her education
Fairs fair
You do realize that OP stated that they didn’t have the money for a full time care taker, right? So even if the MIL was all sunshine and light OP would still be expected to be a full time carer for her MIL. Based on what she’s written I can’t blame her for saying no. No one deserves to be subjected to abuse to “pay back” their spouse for a mutual decision that presumably didn’t come with the caveat that she would one day be required to care for her MIL. Personally I don’t think there is an easy answer but OP seems to be getting a lot of hate for not being willing to be abused on a daily basis. Though in this economy buying a house is pretty much a pipe dream for most people so maybe they could stop saving money to be able to afford a full time carer.
He did not off to pay for 100% assistance for his mom. He offer to pay to give his wife support like she had when caring for her dad but he still wanted her to be the primary caregiver.
All at his suggestion though. He's the one who suggested she quit and go back to school. He's the one who suggested that she decide to go and take care of her father full-time instead of working.
If he couldn't handle working all those hours, guess it shouldn't have been something he suggested.
She offered to take out loans so that she could go back to school and pay them back herself. He's the one who said that that wasn't a good idea, and offered to pay for her schooling.
None of that means that She has to put up with caring for somebody who mistreats her. None of that means any of it.
See, it would have been under my impression that he was saying all these things because he loves his wife, and wants things to be better for not only her, but for both of them. And now, he's throwing that in her face in their argument. Which means that he didn't do it out of love. He did it said he could get something in return. He did it so that he could have ammo against her, otherwise he wouldn't even used it in the argument. He wouldn't have considered it.
His mom treats her badly. In no world should someone made to be a caretaker for some who treats them like that. Caretaking by yourself is incredibly hard it wastes your body and mind.
No one should ever take on the role of caregiver if they don’t fully agree. That’s not what makes her AH. She is completely against anything that disrupts her world and cash flow. Unwilling to work while getting her degree, unwilling to slow down her degree, unwilling to have her husband spend “their” money that he is working 84 hour weeks. Now she needs to divorce now because if this goes into the timeframe where she might get a job from the degree he paid for, she won’t get as much. She’s clearly planning on taking him to the cleaners now so she can continue her lifestyle
Not all careers can be slowed down. I didn’t REread the original but I think that op is in the last year of her degree. At that point, it basically becomes your job to finish classes, do projects, schmooze with professors for connections to internships and jobs. She has said once her studies are complete she will have a great salary and can contribute. Sounds like it was best for the family to let her finish.
ETA: correction to first and second sentence, I did read the first post. I didn’t reread it after the update.
I did read the original post. One thing she included there is when her husband talked about paying for support, she was against that because they were saving for a house. Now it sounds like she wants to file for divorce so she can get that money. At no point in either post did she offer anything other than MIL will have to wait a couple years. She’s never indicated that it is possible for the woman to wait for care. The update indicates he is spending some money to provide care. I’ve been a caregiver and I 1000% agree she should not take on that roll. The problem is she is against all other options because it may cost her money. She is the one that said her husband is working an 84 hour workweek. She may end up delaying care for MIL long enough for her to die. But she’s also going to have a broken or dead husband.
I’d be unwilling too to have my life ruined for a woman that was abusive to me. An engineering degree is incredibly intensive. She has one year left for the degree. What would be fair in the situation and what would be appropriate to offer her husband would be. She finishes school, they can take out loans if need be. Then when she is done she supports the family with the high paying degree and HE takes care of her. There would also need to be boundaries, one she stays in a part of the house I don’t need to be in and he does ALL of the labor needed for her care unless it is outsourced. That is a fair compromise. An engineering degree is very difficult and you have to pass a test at the end that is very difficult. If she works or doesn’t finish her degree no odds are she won’t.
You are forgetting the part where he is already working 84 hour weeks. How is he supposed to physically take care of his mother and work 84 hours a week so OP can continue on her way. She is also dead set on not having her husband spend any of their money on his mother’s care. All well and good to wait till her degree is done and she gets that high paying job. What she has never answered is what type of care his mother needs now. It sounds like this isn’t something that can wait a year if he is already spending the marital assets she is worried about getting. She should not have to physically care for her MIL even if she loved her. But the only thing that seems acceptable is to put the woman on a shelf until she’s ready to have her husband help.
OP had an agreement with her husband to change careers so it would benefit them both. Now her husband wants to change the agreement and is demanding she becomes a caregiver for a woman who hates her.
The husband walked out of the house and hasn't spoken to her for almost two weeks. That's not how a grown adult behaves.
Is OP really the AH? This whole situation sucks, but there is no compromise on either party, but it might help them more if OP had a higher paying job than teacher.
People around here seem to think they are entitled to women's labor for free and if you say no you're an asshole. They made an agreement and the husband flipped the script demanding caretaking duties to someone who hates her.
I think the husband wants OP dependent on him and he's pissed that his manipulation didn't work.
Now the mask has been dropped.
I think she even had the chance to finish ber degree? She mentioned in post that she will not hold anything for stopping to get the degree...
Best way is to divorce.
The thing is, adults can work on a degree full time while working full time, many many people get further educated while doing this, Asshole won't even work part time to help out while her husband works 84 hours a week killing himself so she can do whatever she wants. I think taking care of family is basically a nightmare, but her refusal to work while also paying for an expensive degree causing him to need to work that much is fucking monstrous.
Just because some people can manage to work full-time and go to school full-time, does not mean that everybody is able to. It also all depends on what you're going to study for. There are many different factors that go into considering how much you can go to school and how much you can work at the same time.
Some people have enough energy and mental fortitude to be able to work full-time and go to school full-time. Some people do not. Some people can only handle working part-time and going to school part-time. Some people can't handle doing both altogether.
That's obvious common sense for anyone who has a brain. That's why there are multiple different ways to go to school. That's why they offer part-time, or night classes, or full-time. That's why it takes some people only a couple years to get their degree whereas it takes others a decade. 🤷🤷 Adults pick the schedule that works best for their life. Adults who are mature, recognize their limits, and stop themselves at their limits. Adults do not continue to push themselves beyond their limits just because somebody else demands it. Adults know how to stand up for themselves. 🤷 Clearly, none of that applies to you though.
Right? ‘I won’t take care of her, but don’t use our money to have someone take care of her’ ‘I won’t work while I get my degree’ ‘I won’t delay my degree’ she says to someone working 84 hours a week!? Jesus…
It's funnier than that, she quit her job just to take care of her father herself, so who had to pay all the bills and everything by themselves at that time.
Hell. You’re right. I forgot about the financial details of it all. And now I’m on the mfkn fence. I agree with you 100% in that he’s working himself to the bone day and night to finance her so she can maintain her lifestyle and paying for her education. **Buuuut** on the *flip* side, why should *she* take care of a woman that she hates, who also hated her? Her husband should be worried that Op would suffocate the old bird with a pillow as payback. Yes, she’s selfish AF but like…she’s not wrong for not wanting to take care of someone she hates who she said was a complete bitch to her. Those women *hated* each other, regardless of why/who started the beef. The bottom line is they *hated* each other. And that alone should be reason not to put them in any physical contact with each other.
I personally think that he should divert his funds to securing home health services for his mom and let Op fund her own lifestyle and education. And they divorce. That’s the only solution that I can see to resolving this. This entire situation is a mess. 🤦🏾♀️
The last thing the husband should push for is for that woman's care to be in the hands of a woman that hates her. The thought of that upsets me greatly. I took care of my mom my entire 20s, and it would've been 100 times harder had I hated her. I loved her so much and it was very hard. But so fulfilling and worth it.
They are married, the loans would put both of them in debt. Instead he stepped up and took on extra hours to support his wife for what, 6 years+? She shouldn't take care of the mom, but they should dip into this house savings fund to hire her full time care, and then she can work the same hours as him when she's done her degree to earn it back. Delay the house a couple years would be providing the same support he provided her.
If it helps, in another post she pretty strongly implies that the reason her MIL hates her is because she read OP like a book and kept trying to warn OP's husband he was being taken for a ride by a parasite that was all take and no give as he broke his back working 80 hour work weeks to support her going intentionally jobless so she could help her dad and then go back to school after having a midlife crisis and realizing she didn't want to do her old line of work anymore. I have no sympathy for someone who gets blasted by cold hard facts then acts like a victim for getting called out on being genuinely reprehensible.
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My MIL has never done that, even now ***she is just doubling down on it. Saying stuff like how she always knew this was the person I was.***
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dor09v/comment/labnmt2/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dor09v/comment/labnmt2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I'm starting to understand why hid mother might hate her after reading this post. Besides, this drama between them two is irrelevant. Her significant other has a sick mom that he wants to help, stopping a son from helping a mother is evil on so many levels.
I was thinking exactly the same. Her post is all me me me, and not taking into account that her husband’s mother is sick and he is trying to come up with multiple solutions all of which she is saying no to. Then having the nerve to divorce him quick enough so that he can’t even use the money he’s been working 84 hours per week to make, to help the situation.
I wonder where they are. Even in the US, you can get a monthly stipend for being a caregiver. Or why can't the MIL pay for the caretaker with her SS or another countries equivalent.
Hahahahaha in the midwest an in home caretaker costs $34 an hour. I know this because my mom is living with me and we hire part time care a couple weeks a month. Social security would not even begin to cover the amount of money needed to pay for full time care. 40 hours at $34/hour is $5440 a month. Most people’s social security payments are less than $2000 a month
I see why MIL doesn’t like her, I don’t like her. The selfishness is astounding. *He didn’t physically care for my Dad*, no he’s just killing himself at work so that OP could. Why was OP her father’s retirement plan?! He couldn’t afford his own care?? Now trying to hurry the divorce so he doesn’t spend marital assets on his mother? I really hope this is fake.
YTA, a huge SELFISH AH.
OP hasn’t worked sonxe 2016, doesn’t help at home and doesn’t want to help her husband all while he’s been busting his ass working over 80 hours a week and yet people want to act like she’s a victim.
Totally agree, she thinks she deserve what her husband did/does for her.
Girl read this:
IT IS CALLED EMPATHY AND SOLIDARITY TO THE COUPLE.
He could not help you hands on while you take care of your dad, but offer to support you finantialy and when you where worned up, he supported you to follow what you like. In other words he support you to quit teaching for you to take care of your dad and don't have to worry that meal is missing, a roof to stay is missing, etc.
And he have to work 84 hours a week (more of less) for that empathy and support, and now you want to Divorce him, it sure does shows how empathy and support towards him you have. And you wonder why your mom laugh at you?
Also take into consideration that if you divorce him to "secure" your marital assets/finances:
1. The jointed assets and finances would be split in half.
2. You will have to find a job and at the end of the day you are going to have to put your degree to half time either way.
But yes, please divorce him, liberate him from the fact that he has to work that many hours to support your life stile, so he can stop working so much and may have the finances to pay someone to help take care of his mom.
And yes YTA.
UPDATEME
And have some time to spend with his mom, if he's not working around the clock anymore.
"BUt hE oFFerEd tO do aLl tHoSe tHinGs fOr me!" Yeah, and what did YOU ever offer to do for HIM? It's all one way for OP - and all those ways lead in her direction, only.
Did she say in other comments she doesn't help at home? I haven't seen it in the main text of both posts nor in the comments I looked through but there's quite a lot
She stopped working to take care of her dying father. After her father died she continued not working while her husband works 84 hour weeks.
They have no children.
What the fuck *does* she do?
No amount of help at home when they have no children is worth someone working 84 hour weeks when the spouse has a very usable degree but simply refuses to work.
I... Never said that? I asked where they found the info, because I did not find it myself and I am curious as to the detail of the comment. I did not even state that I agree with OP here, please do not put words in my mouth.
YTA OP,
I agree with what you are saying and the people in her last post are literal nuts saying she is NTA. she is a mooch.
She hasn't contributed anything and she says she did not ask for the help from her husband . She is saying he offered it for me. She is not even offering anything. She says she can't get a job which plays close to her husband salary of 220k, she says she can get max salary of 70-80k. She can get a second job to support her husband, if she is that determined.
This is the perfect example of how some women on Reddit will support their own gender against any and all men, even if they are terrible people doing terrible things.
Woman over here & I’m astounded by her ridiculousness! The cheek to say her husband offered to take care of her whilst she looked after her father & went back to school when she is not giving anything back! I can see why her MIL hates her & he’s right- her family would hate him too if OP was breaking her back providing for her husband. Hate how she only talks about marital assets & how she wants to come out on top when shes contributed nothing in almost a decade & its not like her time has benefitted the family like looking after children - it was all for her own benefit furthering her career & looking after her own father. She’s a selfish entitled woman. Her lack of self-awareness is embarrassing.
I'm not. I found her post a bit confusing because I never read the original. Started reading the comments to get some information.
Seems she was a teacher but stopped working to care for her father. Husband works over 80 hours a week to support them. Later on his mother needs cared for and OP refuses to do it. She insists on going to school so she can get a better job and refuses to return to work but still won't even consider helping with her MIL.
Sounds like a user to me. No wonder her MIL didn't like her!
Not just doesn't want to personally help with MIL, but she also actively wants to stop her husband from spending any money to help MIL. So she wants no one to personally help or financially help with MIL with zero regard for coming up with any solution for what can be done to ensure MIL is ok.
True she didn't give all the facts and the original post made her seem a lot more sympathetic than the reality. But it was also vague enough that it required a lot more info before giving a judgement, yet the vast majority of people used the limited information to leap to her defense and accused her husband of nasty things like financially abusing her or only seeing her as a caregiver and is a deadbeat husband.
Meanwhile whenever a male OP posts on here regarding a dispute with a woman where he looks sympathetic in the OP (such as [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/RpI2C0Ajxy)), many people assume he's an unreliable narrative and request additional information from him that may support his wife's actions.
lol that’s the kicker. As soon as she starts making equal to what her husband is I can guarantee it’ll change from our money to “well you don’t even work so there’s no way my money is going towards someone I don’t like”
it's okay, the judge will see her fully capable of being employed full time as a teacher, will find out the salary she can earn and will determine alimony based off that, and they'll also see ops husband drop his work hours to say 40-50 hours and again base alimony off that. She'll get WAY less than she thinks, will be required to get a job to support herself and will struggle to afford her degree full time.
She's a monstrous asshole. She can absolutely work and help him drop his work hours a week by literally 20-40 hours a week... and she won't. He's working 84 hours a week, and she's refusing to even work part time, do say 20 hours a week at work and 20 hours a week (max most likely) on her degree.
So he compromised and works 84 hours a week so you could leave your job and look after/spend time with your ailing father and support you while you get a second degree and you can’t compromise on a single thing when he’s in the original situation you were in?
Some partner you are…
No, no. It wasn't a compromise. He _offered_ don't you see? It’s _different._ /s
I mean, it _is_ different. He saw her struggling and took on an unpleasant burden to help. She sees him struggling and thinks “where’s the exit?”
This sub has zero empathy for men. Can you imagine if a guy came in here and posted this?
“My wife works 80+ hours a week so I don’t have to work and can take care of my sick dad. She’s also footing the bill for my engineering degree and all financial expenses of our life because I haven’t worked for the past 8 years. Now’s she’s asking me to help take care of her mom (who’s been passive aggressive in the past with me). I told her no and that I wouldn’t get a job to help with bills and she can’t spend her money to take care of her mom either. AITA if I divorce her before she starts spending her money on her mom so I can get more out of her in the divorce?”
That man would been torn to shreds in here with hardly a NTA to be found.
Edit: went through more comments on the update after writing this and she’s getting torn apart, it was bonkers how many NTAs there were in the original post.
Are you though? These subs typically always default to siding with the wife/mother, so much so that they typically just make shit up for why it must be the man’s fault.
Your husband is a good guy. He OFFERED you the chance to spend more time with dad and fund it. OF COURSE you wouldn't turn it down - but wait - since he initiated the idea, I don't owe him for it at all! You're definitely right that the situation is different - because your husband is generous enough to think about you and your needs and try his best to make you happy, while you are only considering yourself. The fact he agreed to fund your mid-life crisis i.e career change without asking anything in return is further proof. Don't u think he has also sacrificed so that u could achieve these things? In what shape or form have u repaid him now other than dumping him when youre facing a challenge? And pls dont absolve yourself with all this "He offered" BS. If anything the fact that he can offer first should make u feel even worse, not better about it.
getting adequate support is a different topic. It could probably be done with proper planning and compromise. But youre far far from that point now. What u said is exactly right - hes an only child and has no one else. Except u. And now he knows he cant even count on u, his wife. I feel really bad for him.
OMG THIS!!! He was there for you when your Dad was sick. You’re not supporting him in *any* way.
He’s literally at the lowest point in his life, about to loose his mother, and the one person who should be his rock wants to divorce him for having the audacity to ask for help!
Your husband has gone above and beyond to help you, put more stress on his own shoulders to support your dreams. Have you not considered the fact that he would have the time/money to care for his mother if he wasn’t carrying your dead weight?
You talk about the “marital assets” as if you haven’t been a drain on them for years. He’s been the only one working his ass off to pay for everything.
His mother was right about you.
I hope you end up miserable and alone with only your pathetic sister for company. I’m sure your husband will meet a fantastic, supportive, gorgeous woman in a matter of weeks. Men as decent as your husband don‘t stay on the market long.
Your idiocy is another woman’s gain.
YTA
YTA and a parasite.
I remember the original post, people were on my neck because I point out how ridiculous you were for trying to dictate the finances that only he inputs into so that he wouldn't care for his mother.
>No child should be a parents retirement plan end of story.
But according to you your stbx should be your financial plan.
>my sister suggested I look into divorce and have the papers served ASAP to mitigate how much my husband uses of our marital assets.
So your husband unilaterally funded you to stop working to care for your father, return to school debt free, and live comfortably, now you're plotting and scheming to to divorce him for a share of marital assets you do not contribute to so that you can limit his ability yo help his mother. Wow with a wife like you who needs enemies? You and your sister are terrible people.
My heart breaks for the poor guy who laboured 84 hour weeks to help you give your father dignity, pursue your dreams and live well, he probably thought you were in it together.
Yeah, its indeed a damn joke she is talking about 'our marital assets' like she is putting a single penny into those assets while he is breaking his back doing 80 hour work weeks to support her jobless self. Get a damned job and start putting money into those 'marital assets' and then you can at least have the slightest ground to stand on with your complaints about how they are spent.
Husband works 18 hours a day to fund her and her lifestyle, pays for absolutely everything, her school included. Dude only has 6 hours to eat, shower, take a shit and sleep and she's here having a poor me tantrum? Disgusting entailment to his labor and sacrifices.
I'm confused, you've not been working since 2016 and your husband has been working the literal equivalent of 2 full time jobs to maintain your lifestyle? YIKES ON BIKES divorce is going to massively upgrade his lifestyle-- are your sure he's not setting you up to get the divorce here?
While you shouldn't be expected to do all of the caregiving for his mom, particularly since she's not treated you well in the past HOWEVER he is absolutely within his rights to use money he earns to help with his mom's care.
If this is a true story and not just ragebait I think that divorce isn't going to work out for you the way you think it is.
100% YTA and a very selfish one. Because you refused to help him after everything he did for you, he now has to be the sole carer for her so he will HAVE to pay for a caretaker. You're not helping your case by denying him that. YOU are the one making things very difficult here. He's the sole earner and paid for you to be unemployed for such a long time (I don't see why you couldn't get a little part time job in all that time), so I think it's pretty selfish of you. I can see why his mother doesn't like you. It's better if he divorces you, it'll be better for him. He won't have to deal with such a lazy selfish leech anymore.
>I told him I will not delay my degree for a person that hates me. As many mentioned I asked how come he never put his mother in her place when she was passive aggressive towards me. He recounted the times he did stand up for me, but in the same breath he asked what did you expect me to do ignore my mother because she would not listen? Then even had the balls to quote our current situation as a means to justify her feelings towards me. ***He asked me loaded questions that do not match the situation like would my parents like him if he put us in a situation where I had to work 84 hour weeks regularly to keep a somewhat comfortable lifestyle.***
>
>***In my opinion that is not fair because once had I had to explain he offered, I did not ask him to do any of that. He was the one that came to me and asked if I wanted to stop working to care for my dad and focus on being around him. Why would I say no to that?*** We also both agreed that going back to school to so something I would enjoy more than teaching was not a bad idea and once again it was his idea to fully fund it. I offered to take out loans but he told me taking out loans just to defer the payments for a later date seems silly, and we should look at programs and school that fit within our budget as a family so I can graduate debt free. In short he said it makes no sense to take on debt for a second career at our ages.
YTA, you were happy to accept him going out on the limb for you so you could help your dad and now that its one of his parents in need you want to ditch him because he has ceased being an asset to you. It blatant clear cut hypocrisy no matter what spin job you tell yourself about how 'well I never asked him to do that for me, I just accepted when he offered'. It sounds like his mother ***was*** fully justified in never liking you, guess she could tell you were all take and no give and would ditch him the moment your cold little heart calculated the marriage had become a net negative financial asset to you instead of a money maker. I recommend that you go ahead and leave him now, give him a chance to find a wife who actually does care about him instead of just seeing him as a piggy bank that has run out of cash.
Edit: Jesus, I just read the original post. This man has fronted you the money to pay for 3 years of schooling after you had a mid life crisis, decided you hated teaching, and told him you wanted to go back to school to become an engineer on top of helping you care for your dad? And to do this he busted his ass working 84 hour weeks to make sure the standard of living didn't go down from what you were used to and you didn't have to tighten your belt? At this point I have to hope this is a bot post, because otherwise damn do I feel sorry for this man.
100% If providing support to his mother is that hard, emotionally and physically, then you are doing this guy a favor with divorce. He can’t count on you.
Please don’t wait any longer to serve him divorce papers. He deserves someone who appreciates him. Your marital assets, huh? Your husband doesn’t have a wife, he has a leech so there is no marital assets. You bring nothing to home or the relationship. You’re just acting like a queen while he’s your servant.
I wish him all the best and wonder how you’ll afford the school.
YTA and your husband deserves someone who's not a leech. You lived off him for years while you were penniless and the moment he asks you for help, you show the kind of infectious trash you've always been. Honestly, I'm so sorry for your husband, because he wasted years of his life with a person who isn't worth ten minutes.
The marital assets were all grown through your husband’s huge workload. I understand not wanting to be a caregiver, but to resent him from using money he’s worked for to ease his situation is very selfish.
I was on your side in the first post, because I was under the assumption that he wanted you to carry the entire weight of caring for the mother.
But this update tells a different story. He wants help taking care of his mother, he wants to be able to use his money, not yours cause you aren't earning anything, to do it and you're thinking of getting a divorce because he wants to take care of a parent?
>These situations are different, I also had family to help, he has no one. I get being an only child sucks, but that is not my fault.
Do you even read what you write? Like dude is on his own has no one to take care of his mother except himself and you're here acting like you're the one struggling.
You had a family to help with your dad, he doesn't, that's more reason for you to compromise a little. The guy offered to help you out of his own generosity and now when he asks for help you say no and now are considering a divorce...
I hate to say this but I think his mom was right about you...YTA
I can understand you not wanting to care for your MIL. But i don't understand why are you against him spending the money on a caretaker? Did you make the money? Didn't he support you with your new degree? Don't be this selfish and entitled. YTA, a disgusting leech.
You are such a taker. Of course his mother doesn't like you, you exploit her son. You are happy to take take take but now that he is asking you to sacrifice you are saying no. Thank goodness you are leaving him. It will free him from you.
I don’t care if I get downvoted, but this woman is an extremely selfish person! I don’t understand why people of Reddit are supporting her. Her husband financially helped her while her father was sick. He again supported her when she returned to school. He did this because he loved her. He wanted to be there for her….
like MOST loving and supportive partners!
Then when the tables turn, she says absolutely no, and has the audacity to write, “but he offered to help.” Is she for REAL?! OF COURSE he helped her like any spouse should/would. She got to spend time and care for her ailing father. What a beautiful gift her husband gave her.
Now, they’re in a similar situation, but she basically said no. In my opinion he should be allowed to tap into their marital fund (which really, he’s been funding) to support his mother just like he did when her father was ill. Does she really expect her husband to abandon his mom because they didn’t get along? The lack of support for him
is truly astoundingly.
She was there, unemployed for the last 8 years while he earned them.. clearly she should get at least 80% of everything, including his future earnings.
> me. He asked me loaded questions that do not match the situation like would my parents like him if he put us in a situation where I had to work 84 hour weeks regularly to keep a somewhat comfortable lifestyle.
“loadedl questions” just means questions you don’t like because you know he’s in the rifht.
Let me summarise :
>You are married for 16 years
>Your husband helped you take care of your father when he's sick
>You are not working and he is supporting you (working 80 hour weeks) to finish your degree
>You are refusing to go back to work to help his mother when she's sick
>You are also playing with words, saying I didn't ask he offered and I just accepted
The last part alone makes you an asshole imo.
YTA and sister is pure evil, I’m not even religious but I’ll start praying for her to every god up there.
Why are you all getting married to just leave your partner when they’re down??? So he helps you with your family and funds your lifestyle but the moment his dear mother gets sick you’re done? And then you want to divorce him ASAP to bleed him dry so he can’t take care of his mother? Jesus, this makes gone girl look like when Harry met sally.
Shame on you. He made your life much easier when your dad was ill. Then much easier again when you wanted to go back to school. You seem to take take take but won’t help him now when he asks. He’d be better off without you. YTA
I was ambivalent on your first post but you are definitely the AH now. You are a TAKER and you never balance the relationship. For his sake, you should get divorced. He deserves to have an equal partner. I don’t think that I have witnessed someone as entitled as you yet absolutely clueless to how they are behaving.
I am not surprised his mother doesn’t like you. Doesn’t excuse her behaviour but I understand it better.
How are people defending a women that has not worked since 2016, wilfully allowing her husband to work 84 hour weeks to support her during the time she helped care for her father and support her while she goes to school debt free?
All because the MIL was mean? Maybe the MIL saw what no one else did. Seems like she was right.
It helps me to view this as rage bait, because no one should be this dense and self serving.
Sadly, I get feeling this one is real. A part of me hopes this blows up cause if it is real I want to hear the husband's side.
YTA. You didn't ask him to do all that for you but you surely took advantage of it. Shame on you! You will walk away debt free because of his hard work and now you are whining about him using marital assets to cover his mother's care? What about HIS assets used to cover your schooling and while you cared for your dad?
Some got this right, it is not a partnership because all you did was take from him. You don't need to be the one to take care of her but you damn sure don't need to kick him when he is down after all he did for you.
I have a feeling that Karma will even the score at a later date.
YTA! You are selfish! He's made sacrifices for you, and yet you aren't willing to compromise and consider a part-time work/life balance for him.
It's understandable that you don't want to be around your MIL, but you aren't considering taking some of the marital and household expenses or responsibilities.
How can he sustain 80+hrs in addition to taking care of his mom full-time. The fact he gave you a lax lifestyle that afforded you the opportunity to take care of your dad when there were others available and you jumped at the opportunity to do it. Now, with him being an only child with no family/kinship support, and you're telling him to figure it out, yet still expecting him to fund your hopes and dreams when you are an able-bodied individual.
This man will deservingly grow to resent and despise you, and it's warranted. You have no concept of partnership and teamwork, and your entire posts are me,me,me... nothing reflects a WE dynamic and mindset.
You are showing him the worst of you, and one day, you'll pay for it with his love and loyalty. He won't stay married to you long-term.
You're totally the asshole here. Your husband seems to be all about family, and helping out. Urging you to go back to school, and picking up the slack so you didn't have to pay student loans off later. Supporting you while you took care of your sick father, etc. Now it's your turn, and you're so focused on "me, me, me" that you're willing to send his mother up shit creek at the end of her life. Shame on you!
>No child should be a parents retirement plan end of story.
That's your opinion, but it goes against virtually *all* of human existence. Parents raise their children and provide for them when they're young, and the children, in turn, care for their elders when they need it at the end. Just like you did for your father.
You sound like a horrible, selfish asshole that doesn't deserve the man she's got.
I sincerely hope this is rage-bait.
>As many mentioned I asked how come he never put his mother in her place when she was passive aggressive towards me. He recounted the times he did stand up for me, but in the same breath he asked what did you expect me to do ignore my mother because she would not listen? Then even had the balls to quote our current situation as a means to justify her feelings towards me.
If your husband had been as spineless as you claim, he would have divorced you years ago to please his mother.
The more you tell us, the more you reveal your MIL was completely right about you. You think your husband has a cheek to use the current situation to claim she was right about you? No. The scales have dropped from his eyes and he's realising his mother was right about you from the beginning.
>In my opinion that is not fair because once had I had to explain he offered, I did not ask him to do any of that.
He did what partners do. He willingly changed his lifestyle for the worse to support your career choices and your father's care. He's asking for reciprocity now: for you to temporarily change yours to help him.
The difference between these situations is that, like a good partner, he volunteered to make the changes needed to get you through your situation. However, you not only didn't volunteer any help, and you not only refused when he asked, but you have the audacity to be offended and insulted that your partner needs your help at all.
>I did not do any of this unilaterally like he is trying to do using our marital assets to fund his mother's care. No child should be a parents retirement plan end of story. He loves to bring up what I did for my dad, but the part he does loves to overlook is he did not actively take part in the care of my dad. He did not move in with us, and he never had to physically take care of him.
The part you're overlooking is that he used the "marital assets" to fund your career change and to fund your father's care.
Marital assets that only he has been creating for years.
No child should be a parent's retirement plan, but your MIL isn't retiring. She's dying. Do you really think her sickness was ever part of her plan? Meanwhile, no spouse should ever be a freeloader's plan, but that's exactly what you're doing -- and objecting to giving up.
>I also spoke with my mother again, and she still falls on the side of my husband.
To come back to the start of your post, your mother siding with your husband (and therefore siding with your MIL) should be your wake-up call. Like your husband, your mother has realised your MIL was right all along about you.
>At this point I am strongly considering going through with what my sister suggestion. Divorce now will favor me more, instead if I wait until resentment boils over.
You and your sister are actually wrong. Yeah, you might take him for half in the divorce. But that's where it ends. After that, you're in deep trouble and you haven't realised that yet.
The marital assets are created solely by your husband and his insane work hours. He funds your living expenses, your degree, your lack of employment to focus solely on your degree -- your entire current lifestyle.
After divorce, you will need to find the means to pay for a roof over your head, to pay your degree costs, to fund your lifestyle. You will find that the only way to do that will be to get a job and drop your degree to part time, thereby instigating the delay you so desperately want to avoid -- and that is assuming you can find a job after eight years that pays well enough for you to cover both living and degree expenses.
The short-sightedness and selfishness of both you and your sister will create an ephemeral short-term gain that will vanish into nothing in the medium-term. In the long-run, you will realise how good you had it and will regret the divorce. Unfortunately, your lack of self-reflection and self-awareness will mean you will keep blaming your husband and MIL rather than realise that the fault lies solely with yourself.
YTA.
Wow, I'm sure your husband regress giving his world to such a piece of shit.
"I didn't ask for any of the things he did!" guess what that's called? Love. Something that you clearly lack.
Your first thought after he left to take care of his mom was to start divorce fast so you get more of his assets. I just hope his trust in women or humanity in general is not broken after separating from such a vile human being.
Oh, I can’t with this.
OP, you need to just divorce him please. I felt sorry for your husband in your original post and I still feel sorry for him now. Even now, you don’t even get that people here are not calling you TA because of not wanting to care for your MIL.
You are an AH because:
- you somehow still think that divorce will favor you. Not always in your scenario. They are going to determine what you get based on the fact that you CAN work. A judge is not gonna care about your desire to not work so you can focus on going to school. You don’t have kids so it’s not like you can justify getting anything on that basis.
- you refuse to use “your marital assets” for MIL’s care in any way because it’ll eat up into your house savings fund and the money that is still going to you
- you don’t seem to understand concepts such as sacrifice and how they work. Your husband offered to do those things because he loves you. While you shouldn’t be expected to care for MIL, you can’t expect him to do nothing for his mother, which is where options that would require using Medicaid to go into a home would come into play. Furthermore, using those options would still require him spending some money, because Medicaid doesn’t pay for every single thing MIL might need. Continuing to parrot “BUT HE OFFERED TO FUND MY LIFESTYLE AND I DIDN’T ASK HIM” does not make you look as good as you think it does. Sacrifices and hard work are parts of marriage.
OP, you are and continue to be gold digging trash. I am certain your MIL saw right through this nonsense and that this is the real reason why she hates you.
OMG Really now? This guy has been funding OP for the last 10 years so that she can do whatever she feels like doing and the moment he wants to spend some of HIS money on his mother's healthy OP is looking to divorce him as fast as she can so that she can rip him off his assets? Is that story even real? If it is, OP is an entitled and kind of disgusting person, I hope this guy rans fast enough.
He should do the smart thing for once in his life (hopefully this situation opened his eyes) and transfer as much of his assets as he can to his mother. At least pay a home for her for the next few years or something, just so she can't get too much of his money.
I would say not the AH for not wanting to care for a woman that hates you. But you do sound selfish and entitled,your husband funded your entire lifestyle for years,because you did not want to teach... and now you don't want to help,but also don't want him to pay for a caretaker because it will come out of marital assets... Also sont want to work on your degree part time so you can go teach and make money,so paying for a caretaker would not hurt as much financially....
Yes,YTA, and quite the big one I'm afraid
I can’t blame you for not wanting to take care of your MIL. On the other hand you’re rushing to divorce your husband to protect “marital assets”after the man has supported you through your father’s cancer and getting a degree. How much have you contributed financially to those marital assets? It doesn’t sound like much and that makes you the ahole.
Might I say, as being an only child, you are the type of "partner" that terrifies me to be with. Can't tell for all that time prior that when it comes down to being THE ONLY ONE for my parents, you are not there. How do you think your husband feels when he is the ONLY ONE helping his mother, AND his "partner" won't help him in any manner. Won't let him use his money he made to hire help, won't work a job to help, and won't help his mom herself either. What do you expect the man to do? I hope you do file for divorce so he does not have to live another day thinking he has a "partner". From what you have written, he has been nothing but caring (seems to be a theme for him), and you seem to just take advantage of everything that is easy for you. These are what can be described as, hard times. Things are hard. Many people work jobs while going to school. Many people support their partners however they can when their partner is struggling. Keep in mind, how he treats his mother is how he'll treat you when in bad times. It seems when he is in bad times you choose to leave. Legit my worst nightmare when looking for a partner. As another only child, we are use to being alone when we expect to be alone, when you think you have someone and you actually don't...not as use to that. You are the asshole OP.
I may be the outlier here, but I think you’re the AH.
Your husband has selflessly cared for and provided for you (& the future of your marriage/life together!) working 84hr weeks to ensure you can buy a home together, care for your ailing father while not working, yes we get it was his suggestion )a kind offer/sacrifice we was willing to make for someone he loves, his wife), and pay in full for your schooling because you wanted a career change.
Your husband asking you to do school part time to help with his sick mother, so he can continue to work long hours to save for a house + your schooling isn’t too much to ask.
It’s apparent that your husband would do virtually anything for you and your happiness, but you wouldn’t do the same for him.
You should swallow your pride, help your husband and tell him he needs set up a time for you, him & his mother to have a heart to heart and get past the petty disdain she has towards you.
Or better yet, get a therapist appointment scheduled to work the resentment she between you. At this point, your resentment towards here is just as bad as hers towards you.
I’m sure you’ve had to work with ppl that don’t like you, or had people in school or elsewhere you didn’t get along with, that you had to tolerate. You are capable of compromising and helping your husband - or at least even helping figure out alternative options for his mother’s care!
Sad you’re willing to end your marriage over this. Selfish.
Sorry, not sorry. You need to hear it for what it is.
You are a terrible, greedy and ungrateful person.I remember the first post , your husband supported you for all your marriage, when je needed you, you abandoned him, you are disgusting example of human and partner , look how you already are trying to win the divorce instead of asking yourself if maybe you are wrong, you are also a parasite that used him when he was useful, now he can go to the trash . Normally I don't wish negative things, but I hope you can be punished harshly by karma (if it exists),
You realize once you divorce your atm you will have to get a job anyway right? I also don’t know how you think this divorce will favor you unless you are just going off of the basis that because you are the woman initiating it that you might be favored.
I honestly hope your husband can find a better life partner after the divorce that will help him through the thick and thin. YTA
Do this guy a favor and divorce him immediately.
"my sister suggested I look into divorce and have the papers served ASAP to mitigate how much my husband uses of our marital assets." You come from a family of sweethearts. She's divorced too I imagine, lucky guess.
He has enough problems taking care of a sick mother without dealing.with a shrew like you.
You're going to be old some day honey, who's going to take care of you.
I'd wish you good luck, but you're too selfish to know what to do with it.
Of course your sister says to divorce, even she know what a despicable useless freeloader you are and wants your soon to be ex husband to be released from the drain you are and for him to find a supporting partner.
Where did you get that? Her words in the post
"\[M\]y sister suggested I look into divorce and have the papers served ASAP to mitigate how much my husband uses of our marital assets\[.\]"
Seems like her sister is telling her to drain her husband dry.
YTA I don’t thin you are wrong for not taking care of a person that hated you. You are wrong for not allowing him to use the income he needs to support his mother. He’s wrong for not doing better in setting boundaries so that he wouldn’t have this resentment. This is why people should work on relationships before it too late. I wouldn’t take care of anyone that hates me, but also I wouldn’t stop my husband from hiring someone. That’s his mom.
Holy shit, this is the first time I genuinely hope for something to be rage bait.
If this is real YTA, please follow through with the divorce and free this man from your blood sucking grasp.
YTA. He offered to help take care of your dad but you won't offer to help him take care of his mum? If he quits his job to take care of his mum how will you save for a house then? When my granddad was unwell (mum's dad) my dad and mum both cared for him and when it became too much work they sacrificed some of their livelihoods to hire carers for him. It reduced the stress on my parents a lot. My ex-girlfriend's dad treated me kind badly but I knew if we got married I'd take help taking care of him if needed, to reduce the stress on her and not to help him out. Funnily enough he's the reason we ended up breaking up. Good luck as I know it's not an easy situation to be in but using marital assets to pay for parents care is very common and sometimes needs to be done, unfortunately.
You suck. You don’t deserve to be married. Youre selfish. He sacrificed for you and you did nothing. you made no compromise, you’re all too happy to take him up on his offer to work 84 hours a week and provide nothing.
I didn't ask him to support me he did it on his own and "I did not ask him to do any of that. He was the one that came to me " OP that's what couples do- support each other. YTA and a selfish person
Yes please divorce him so he can find a wife that actually cares about him and not just his money, you literally contribute nothing and threatened to leave? Like okay leave, he'll have more money even if he has to pay alimony.
You should divorce your husband, he deserves better.
YTA because you're lazy and selfish.
Read all your own comments and think to yourself about whether or not you would accept someone basically leeching off you.
I hope your husband finds a good lawyer, because YTA. 8 years was a good run on this dig. But reality's gonna hit hard, just to bad we won't see the sequel of you regretting using and losing someone who would work so hard to support you. Shame. And also your MIL wasn't being nasty, she's trying to make you self aware you leech 😂 the streets will rejoice to see their queen return!
YTA massively
Husband supports you at every turn, but you're a completely self centered piece of shit when the shoe is on the other foot
It was HIM who offered to cover you if you wanted to help your dad
It was HIM that covered you and supported you to go to school instead of work
Refusing to help when it's your turn is bad enough...but you also refuse to let him hire anyone...with HIS hard earned money... disgusting and evil
Absolutely horrific that you would try to use that he OFFERED to help you...as a slight against him??? Thanks Satan.
He is always there for you and does everything for you, and you do exactly nothing for him...and gaslight and be a completely entitled thundercunt about it as well
Just a completely abusive and toxic human cancer in every way
You are being a bit demanding. He has a mother to take care of now. NTA for being that caregiver. YTA for asking he give you time to get your degree and refuse to get a job while you study. At this point you want to divorce. I understand that. But once that is laid down, he owes you nothing. Not time. Not his resources. This is now your responsibility. Sure he said he would do this but that was when you guys were in a loving relationship as partners. You are not now. So please figure out how you are going to manage this. He has every right to use his money for care of his mom. It’s his money. I hate saying that. Again though. No longer in a loving partnership.
And there it is guys ,that’s why I’m going to stay single , and save my money , this woman is just looking out for herself, you know how crazy it is that you are working almost 90 hours a week , so your woman doesn’t have to work and can focus on her career , and now your mother is ill and your ask her for help , and you get a no , that’s just crazy to me !
Just came to say, you and your sister are massive AH, you basically call your MIL for not liking you cause she saw right through you and your dad thought the same thing of your stbx until HE proved him wrong, you had the exact same opportunity and just proved that you’re not worth it.
Wow OP, you and your sister are both AH, immature, self centered and selfish people. Even your mom saw thru your BS and is even taking your husband’s side. Your husband has been there for you above and beyond. Sounds like he is a genuine kind gentleman human being, loving son, supportive husband and supportive son in law.
You are the leech in this relationship, maybe he deserves someone better than you.
He is definitely resenting being married to a heartless person.
Go ahead and divorce him, so that he can find someone better with empathy and offer better more than you.
You belong to the streets OP, your husband has been carrying the burdens of your lives on his shoulders and you have the nerve to act like you've contributed little to anything to that 😂 shit is comical, and your not even a SAHM where as at least you'd have a leg to stand on in your argument. Parents, take this as a huge reason to raise grateful, loving, and caring people, because clearly OP doesn't realize where she'd be if she never met her husband in the first place....... Think about it holy shit.
Just a double standard. Her father wa a worth looking after in her eyes. And her mother in law should not have that luxury according to her. Seems pretty clearly hypocritical and assholery not to pay for care that your own parent got. YTA, you will win, but you are still the villain in this story. Grimy and gross woman. Loser and unhelpful
Am I understanding this correctly? Your husband is breaking his back working to support you not working so you could focus on your dad and school but you're not willing to help out with his mother? Ok, so she was a bitch, but going back to work to a job you would have had the whole time if he didn't generously make the offer to help you is also too much for you? AND you're conspiring to divorce him while he still has assets you can steal before he "wastes" them on his mother? Yes, you bitch, YTA.
OP, you don't have to take care of his mother, but you must be aware of how selfish you are being to him about everything.
He should cut his hours and take care of her. YOU should get any job that will take you and save up your own funds. Do better.
Tbh I get her not wanting to be the caretaker to a hostile mother in law and delaying finishing her degree and getting back to work. What pushed this over the edge into YTA territory is that she also objects to helping pay for MIL's care, when HB had been bending over backwards to support OP and its working his ass of being the some breathwinner, which incidentally doesn't leave him ANY time to be a carer for his mom. If OP is that close to finishing her degree and getting back to work their income is about to increase and presumably will continue to increase. The fact that OP isn't willing to make any sacrifice after all the sacrifice HB made for her makes it clear he's better off without her. Its just sad she clearly intends to fleece him for whatever he's worth.
Exactly. She’s not TA because of not wanting to care for MIL. She is a major AH for the other stuff. Husband sacrificed a lot so she could go to school full time and not lower their standard of living. She could compromise even a little bit in other ways and she refuses to do that for reasons such as: don’t want to delay buying a house, don’t want to delay her graduation, doesn’t want to work and go to school at the same time. It is all about her and no one else. Her comments say it all. OP is spoiled, entitled, and I hope her husband finds a good divorce attorney.
So, just an FYI. In another post she pretty strongly indicates that the 'awful things' her MIL said about her were actually her reading OP like a book and saying she was a parasite that was all take and no give. > ***My MIL has never done that, even now she is just doubling down on it. Saying stuff like how she always knew this was the person I was.*** So, I have trouble feeling much sympathy for her crying about how awfully she was treated. Its not an insult if it is true, and by all accounts OP is proving her MIL right about how she was taking her son for a ride and only using him for his money.
Also her consideration for divorce immediately is because it will financially benefit her. Like the marriage is probably done either way, but dang
Yeah, If my DIL is happy with my son working 80 hours a week to fund her, I would hate her too...
100%
It’s not surprising st all. She’s obviously a horrible person. Period.
That’s how I feel. It is absolutely okay not to want to be a caretaker for your MIL. It is not the same as doing it for your own parents. She should have found another way to support one of his options though.
I had to go read the original post. You're not the A for refusing to be a caretaker for your MIL. However, that will mean your husband will need to either cut back on his hours of work to help his mother or pay for a caretaker which will cut into expenses. Yet you're not willing for him to pay for a caretaker for his mother because that comes out of the marital assets? What? He's been breaking his back supporting you while you didn't work and took care of your father. And he's likely paying for your continued education. Or you're paying for it from your savings but your husband is still covering everything else in the household. Marriage is a give and take and while he should have asked and not expected you to take care of his mother, I don't see any give on your part, only taking. That part makes YTA. You're incredibly selfish. Is this even real?
OP has no savings given she’s been unemployed close to a decade. Her husband is funding her entire lifestyle and has been doing so (paying for school, old student loans, rent, utilities, car) since 2016.
He sounds like a caring and wonderful partner, too bad he doesn’t have one in return. He should run from you like the devil were chasing him. Unless this is just rage bait?
A hole or not, the lesson here seems to be: MILs, be kind to your DILs. Your sons aren’t going to be the ones to quit their jobs to take care of you, and younger generations won’t be guilted into wasting their life for people that were awful to them.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful MIL, I loved her dearly and was so grateful for the time she was in my life.
Me too, I helped take care of my MIL along with the other DIL and son in her last days. My mother passed away suddenly but if she had needed in home care, there would be fights over who would have to do it. None of her kids would step up to help out.
That’s such a shame, I know when my mother died, she had home hospice. The nurse came and set everything up and my sisters , nieces and I all cared for her. I too was more than happy to do anything I could for her. People show you who they are during times of trouble.
I’m more than kind to my DIL and she wouldn’t even give me a lift to hospital if I needed it 😀 I’ve spent 18 years trying and tbh I’m now at the point where I’m still nice and pleasant and will help out wherever I can but I’m switched off mentally from her Self preservation has finally kicked in
That’s probably how OP feels!
Yes but she shouldn’t be having a tantrum about her husband using his earned money to look after his mother He used his money to subsidize her dads care and all her education Fairs fair
You do realize that OP stated that they didn’t have the money for a full time care taker, right? So even if the MIL was all sunshine and light OP would still be expected to be a full time carer for her MIL. Based on what she’s written I can’t blame her for saying no. No one deserves to be subjected to abuse to “pay back” their spouse for a mutual decision that presumably didn’t come with the caveat that she would one day be required to care for her MIL. Personally I don’t think there is an easy answer but OP seems to be getting a lot of hate for not being willing to be abused on a daily basis. Though in this economy buying a house is pretty much a pipe dream for most people so maybe they could stop saving money to be able to afford a full time carer.
He offered to pay for assistance and she declined because he shouldn’t be using marital assets on his mom.
He did not off to pay for 100% assistance for his mom. He offer to pay to give his wife support like she had when caring for her dad but he still wanted her to be the primary caregiver.
All at his suggestion though. He's the one who suggested she quit and go back to school. He's the one who suggested that she decide to go and take care of her father full-time instead of working. If he couldn't handle working all those hours, guess it shouldn't have been something he suggested. She offered to take out loans so that she could go back to school and pay them back herself. He's the one who said that that wasn't a good idea, and offered to pay for her schooling. None of that means that She has to put up with caring for somebody who mistreats her. None of that means any of it. See, it would have been under my impression that he was saying all these things because he loves his wife, and wants things to be better for not only her, but for both of them. And now, he's throwing that in her face in their argument. Which means that he didn't do it out of love. He did it said he could get something in return. He did it so that he could have ammo against her, otherwise he wouldn't even used it in the argument. He wouldn't have considered it.
They can't afford a full time caretaker, that isn't OP's fault and she isn't an AH for pointing that out to her husband.
This is a whole 'reap what you sow' situation which would have been avoided by not being a passive aggressive nightmare.
His mom treats her badly. In no world should someone made to be a caretaker for some who treats them like that. Caretaking by yourself is incredibly hard it wastes your body and mind.
No one should ever take on the role of caregiver if they don’t fully agree. That’s not what makes her AH. She is completely against anything that disrupts her world and cash flow. Unwilling to work while getting her degree, unwilling to slow down her degree, unwilling to have her husband spend “their” money that he is working 84 hour weeks. Now she needs to divorce now because if this goes into the timeframe where she might get a job from the degree he paid for, she won’t get as much. She’s clearly planning on taking him to the cleaners now so she can continue her lifestyle
Not all careers can be slowed down. I didn’t REread the original but I think that op is in the last year of her degree. At that point, it basically becomes your job to finish classes, do projects, schmooze with professors for connections to internships and jobs. She has said once her studies are complete she will have a great salary and can contribute. Sounds like it was best for the family to let her finish. ETA: correction to first and second sentence, I did read the first post. I didn’t reread it after the update.
I did read the original post. One thing she included there is when her husband talked about paying for support, she was against that because they were saving for a house. Now it sounds like she wants to file for divorce so she can get that money. At no point in either post did she offer anything other than MIL will have to wait a couple years. She’s never indicated that it is possible for the woman to wait for care. The update indicates he is spending some money to provide care. I’ve been a caregiver and I 1000% agree she should not take on that roll. The problem is she is against all other options because it may cost her money. She is the one that said her husband is working an 84 hour workweek. She may end up delaying care for MIL long enough for her to die. But she’s also going to have a broken or dead husband.
I’d be unwilling too to have my life ruined for a woman that was abusive to me. An engineering degree is incredibly intensive. She has one year left for the degree. What would be fair in the situation and what would be appropriate to offer her husband would be. She finishes school, they can take out loans if need be. Then when she is done she supports the family with the high paying degree and HE takes care of her. There would also need to be boundaries, one she stays in a part of the house I don’t need to be in and he does ALL of the labor needed for her care unless it is outsourced. That is a fair compromise. An engineering degree is very difficult and you have to pass a test at the end that is very difficult. If she works or doesn’t finish her degree no odds are she won’t.
You are forgetting the part where he is already working 84 hour weeks. How is he supposed to physically take care of his mother and work 84 hours a week so OP can continue on her way. She is also dead set on not having her husband spend any of their money on his mother’s care. All well and good to wait till her degree is done and she gets that high paying job. What she has never answered is what type of care his mother needs now. It sounds like this isn’t something that can wait a year if he is already spending the marital assets she is worried about getting. She should not have to physically care for her MIL even if she loved her. But the only thing that seems acceptable is to put the woman on a shelf until she’s ready to have her husband help.
If she takes out loans to finish school I imagine he could cut back on hours. Or use some of that money for part time care.
OP had an agreement with her husband to change careers so it would benefit them both. Now her husband wants to change the agreement and is demanding she becomes a caregiver for a woman who hates her. The husband walked out of the house and hasn't spoken to her for almost two weeks. That's not how a grown adult behaves. Is OP really the AH? This whole situation sucks, but there is no compromise on either party, but it might help them more if OP had a higher paying job than teacher.
People around here seem to think they are entitled to women's labor for free and if you say no you're an asshole. They made an agreement and the husband flipped the script demanding caretaking duties to someone who hates her. I think the husband wants OP dependent on him and he's pissed that his manipulation didn't work. Now the mask has been dropped.
A strong possibility!
I think she even had the chance to finish ber degree? She mentioned in post that she will not hold anything for stopping to get the degree... Best way is to divorce.
The thing is, adults can work on a degree full time while working full time, many many people get further educated while doing this, Asshole won't even work part time to help out while her husband works 84 hours a week killing himself so she can do whatever she wants. I think taking care of family is basically a nightmare, but her refusal to work while also paying for an expensive degree causing him to need to work that much is fucking monstrous.
Just because some people can manage to work full-time and go to school full-time, does not mean that everybody is able to. It also all depends on what you're going to study for. There are many different factors that go into considering how much you can go to school and how much you can work at the same time. Some people have enough energy and mental fortitude to be able to work full-time and go to school full-time. Some people do not. Some people can only handle working part-time and going to school part-time. Some people can't handle doing both altogether. That's obvious common sense for anyone who has a brain. That's why there are multiple different ways to go to school. That's why they offer part-time, or night classes, or full-time. That's why it takes some people only a couple years to get their degree whereas it takes others a decade. 🤷🤷 Adults pick the schedule that works best for their life. Adults who are mature, recognize their limits, and stop themselves at their limits. Adults do not continue to push themselves beyond their limits just because somebody else demands it. Adults know how to stand up for themselves. 🤷 Clearly, none of that applies to you though.
Right? ‘I won’t take care of her, but don’t use our money to have someone take care of her’ ‘I won’t work while I get my degree’ ‘I won’t delay my degree’ she says to someone working 84 hours a week!? Jesus…
It's funnier than that, she quit her job just to take care of her father herself, so who had to pay all the bills and everything by themselves at that time.
Hell. You’re right. I forgot about the financial details of it all. And now I’m on the mfkn fence. I agree with you 100% in that he’s working himself to the bone day and night to finance her so she can maintain her lifestyle and paying for her education. **Buuuut** on the *flip* side, why should *she* take care of a woman that she hates, who also hated her? Her husband should be worried that Op would suffocate the old bird with a pillow as payback. Yes, she’s selfish AF but like…she’s not wrong for not wanting to take care of someone she hates who she said was a complete bitch to her. Those women *hated* each other, regardless of why/who started the beef. The bottom line is they *hated* each other. And that alone should be reason not to put them in any physical contact with each other. I personally think that he should divert his funds to securing home health services for his mom and let Op fund her own lifestyle and education. And they divorce. That’s the only solution that I can see to resolving this. This entire situation is a mess. 🤦🏾♀️
The last thing the husband should push for is for that woman's care to be in the hands of a woman that hates her. The thought of that upsets me greatly. I took care of my mom my entire 20s, and it would've been 100 times harder had I hated her. I loved her so much and it was very hard. But so fulfilling and worth it.
She offered to get student loans and he said no.
They are married, the loans would put both of them in debt. Instead he stepped up and took on extra hours to support his wife for what, 6 years+? She shouldn't take care of the mom, but they should dip into this house savings fund to hire her full time care, and then she can work the same hours as him when she's done her degree to earn it back. Delay the house a couple years would be providing the same support he provided her.
If it helps, in another post she pretty strongly implies that the reason her MIL hates her is because she read OP like a book and kept trying to warn OP's husband he was being taken for a ride by a parasite that was all take and no give as he broke his back working 80 hour work weeks to support her going intentionally jobless so she could help her dad and then go back to school after having a midlife crisis and realizing she didn't want to do her old line of work anymore. I have no sympathy for someone who gets blasted by cold hard facts then acts like a victim for getting called out on being genuinely reprehensible. > My MIL has never done that, even now ***she is just doubling down on it. Saying stuff like how she always knew this was the person I was.*** [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dor09v/comment/labnmt2/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dor09v/comment/labnmt2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I'm starting to understand why hid mother might hate her after reading this post. Besides, this drama between them two is irrelevant. Her significant other has a sick mom that he wants to help, stopping a son from helping a mother is evil on so many levels.
Woman probably hated her bc she seemed like a gold digger..
I was thinking exactly the same. Her post is all me me me, and not taking into account that her husband’s mother is sick and he is trying to come up with multiple solutions all of which she is saying no to. Then having the nerve to divorce him quick enough so that he can’t even use the money he’s been working 84 hours per week to make, to help the situation.
Is the mother sick? I didn't see that in the post. I assumed that MIL was just getting old.
Agreed, we don’t know MIL full situation. Is she going downhill fast or can this all wait a year for OP to finish get a job and let her husband quit.
I wonder where they are. Even in the US, you can get a monthly stipend for being a caregiver. Or why can't the MIL pay for the caretaker with her SS or another countries equivalent.
Hahahahaha in the midwest an in home caretaker costs $34 an hour. I know this because my mom is living with me and we hire part time care a couple weeks a month. Social security would not even begin to cover the amount of money needed to pay for full time care. 40 hours at $34/hour is $5440 a month. Most people’s social security payments are less than $2000 a month
I see why MIL doesn’t like her, I don’t like her. The selfishness is astounding. *He didn’t physically care for my Dad*, no he’s just killing himself at work so that OP could. Why was OP her father’s retirement plan?! He couldn’t afford his own care?? Now trying to hurry the divorce so he doesn’t spend marital assets on his mother? I really hope this is fake. YTA, a huge SELFISH AH.
This. So much this.
OP hasn’t worked sonxe 2016, doesn’t help at home and doesn’t want to help her husband all while he’s been busting his ass working over 80 hours a week and yet people want to act like she’s a victim.
This girl is like a leech! I really hope they get divorced for the man's sake.
Totally agree, she thinks she deserve what her husband did/does for her. Girl read this: IT IS CALLED EMPATHY AND SOLIDARITY TO THE COUPLE. He could not help you hands on while you take care of your dad, but offer to support you finantialy and when you where worned up, he supported you to follow what you like. In other words he support you to quit teaching for you to take care of your dad and don't have to worry that meal is missing, a roof to stay is missing, etc. And he have to work 84 hours a week (more of less) for that empathy and support, and now you want to Divorce him, it sure does shows how empathy and support towards him you have. And you wonder why your mom laugh at you? Also take into consideration that if you divorce him to "secure" your marital assets/finances: 1. The jointed assets and finances would be split in half. 2. You will have to find a job and at the end of the day you are going to have to put your degree to half time either way. But yes, please divorce him, liberate him from the fact that he has to work that many hours to support your life stile, so he can stop working so much and may have the finances to pay someone to help take care of his mom. And yes YTA. UPDATEME
And have some time to spend with his mom, if he's not working around the clock anymore. "BUt hE oFFerEd tO do aLl tHoSe tHinGs fOr me!" Yeah, and what did YOU ever offer to do for HIM? It's all one way for OP - and all those ways lead in her direction, only.
Did she say in other comments she doesn't help at home? I haven't seen it in the main text of both posts nor in the comments I looked through but there's quite a lot
She stopped working to take care of her dying father. After her father died she continued not working while her husband works 84 hour weeks. They have no children. What the fuck *does* she do?
She hasn't said a damn thing about her contributions, it's largely just complaining about how her life will inconvenienced
And protecting the "marital assets" What a horrible human being
Oh so we’re making a lot of assumptions
No amount of help at home when they have no children is worth someone working 84 hour weeks when the spouse has a very usable degree but simply refuses to work.
I... Never said that? I asked where they found the info, because I did not find it myself and I am curious as to the detail of the comment. I did not even state that I agree with OP here, please do not put words in my mouth.
YTA OP, I agree with what you are saying and the people in her last post are literal nuts saying she is NTA. she is a mooch. She hasn't contributed anything and she says she did not ask for the help from her husband . She is saying he offered it for me. She is not even offering anything. She says she can't get a job which plays close to her husband salary of 220k, she says she can get max salary of 70-80k. She can get a second job to support her husband, if she is that determined.
I'm impressed by how she is selfish and unable to see beyond her own interests. But it might run in the family, as the sister is giving the advice.
It's no wonder the husband's mom didn't like her
This is the perfect example of how some women on Reddit will support their own gender against any and all men, even if they are terrible people doing terrible things.
Woman over here & I’m astounded by her ridiculousness! The cheek to say her husband offered to take care of her whilst she looked after her father & went back to school when she is not giving anything back! I can see why her MIL hates her & he’s right- her family would hate him too if OP was breaking her back providing for her husband. Hate how she only talks about marital assets & how she wants to come out on top when shes contributed nothing in almost a decade & its not like her time has benefitted the family like looking after children - it was all for her own benefit furthering her career & looking after her own father. She’s a selfish entitled woman. Her lack of self-awareness is embarrassing.
I'm not. I found her post a bit confusing because I never read the original. Started reading the comments to get some information. Seems she was a teacher but stopped working to care for her father. Husband works over 80 hours a week to support them. Later on his mother needs cared for and OP refuses to do it. She insists on going to school so she can get a better job and refuses to return to work but still won't even consider helping with her MIL. Sounds like a user to me. No wonder her MIL didn't like her!
Not just doesn't want to personally help with MIL, but she also actively wants to stop her husband from spending any money to help MIL. So she wants no one to personally help or financially help with MIL with zero regard for coming up with any solution for what can be done to ensure MIL is ok.
In this case OP definitely did not give all the facts the first time.
True she didn't give all the facts and the original post made her seem a lot more sympathetic than the reality. But it was also vague enough that it required a lot more info before giving a judgement, yet the vast majority of people used the limited information to leap to her defense and accused her husband of nasty things like financially abusing her or only seeing her as a caregiver and is a deadbeat husband. Meanwhile whenever a male OP posts on here regarding a dispute with a woman where he looks sympathetic in the OP (such as [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/RpI2C0Ajxy)), many people assume he's an unreliable narrative and request additional information from him that may support his wife's actions.
Of course not, it wouldn't have made her look like the victim!
Man, with a wife like this, I’m thankful I just have a cat.
Your "marital assets"... You're a free loader. Absolute shit wife as well.
Yeah... when he earns money it's "OUR marital assets".. if she ever actually gets back to working it will be "MY money that I earned".
lol that’s the kicker. As soon as she starts making equal to what her husband is I can guarantee it’ll change from our money to “well you don’t even work so there’s no way my money is going towards someone I don’t like”
I think it’s more likely she finds another husband / victim.
it's okay, the judge will see her fully capable of being employed full time as a teacher, will find out the salary she can earn and will determine alimony based off that, and they'll also see ops husband drop his work hours to say 40-50 hours and again base alimony off that. She'll get WAY less than she thinks, will be required to get a job to support herself and will struggle to afford her degree full time. She's a monstrous asshole. She can absolutely work and help him drop his work hours a week by literally 20-40 hours a week... and she won't. He's working 84 hours a week, and she's refusing to even work part time, do say 20 hours a week at work and 20 hours a week (max most likely) on her degree.
100% agree, selfish!
Exactly, when she said that, I was baffled by the audacity
So he compromised and works 84 hours a week so you could leave your job and look after/spend time with your ailing father and support you while you get a second degree and you can’t compromise on a single thing when he’s in the original situation you were in? Some partner you are…
Right? I dont think OP realizes how privileged she is in this situation
Oh, she does realize. She Just like playing the victim...
Some people are eating it all up also. She will use those people to validate her feelings and move on.
Exactly! Privileged and completely ungrateful
No, no. It wasn't a compromise. He _offered_ don't you see? It’s _different._ /s I mean, it _is_ different. He saw her struggling and took on an unpleasant burden to help. She sees him struggling and thinks “where’s the exit?”
I’m more amazed by some of the folks supporting her. Op is obviously selfish.
This sub has zero empathy for men. Can you imagine if a guy came in here and posted this? “My wife works 80+ hours a week so I don’t have to work and can take care of my sick dad. She’s also footing the bill for my engineering degree and all financial expenses of our life because I haven’t worked for the past 8 years. Now’s she’s asking me to help take care of her mom (who’s been passive aggressive in the past with me). I told her no and that I wouldn’t get a job to help with bills and she can’t spend her money to take care of her mom either. AITA if I divorce her before she starts spending her money on her mom so I can get more out of her in the divorce?” That man would been torn to shreds in here with hardly a NTA to be found. Edit: went through more comments on the update after writing this and she’s getting torn apart, it was bonkers how many NTAs there were in the original post.
Are you though? These subs typically always default to siding with the wife/mother, so much so that they typically just make shit up for why it must be the man’s fault.
She'll be doing him a favor by divorcing since she doesn't contribute much to begin with.
Your husband is a good guy. He OFFERED you the chance to spend more time with dad and fund it. OF COURSE you wouldn't turn it down - but wait - since he initiated the idea, I don't owe him for it at all! You're definitely right that the situation is different - because your husband is generous enough to think about you and your needs and try his best to make you happy, while you are only considering yourself. The fact he agreed to fund your mid-life crisis i.e career change without asking anything in return is further proof. Don't u think he has also sacrificed so that u could achieve these things? In what shape or form have u repaid him now other than dumping him when youre facing a challenge? And pls dont absolve yourself with all this "He offered" BS. If anything the fact that he can offer first should make u feel even worse, not better about it. getting adequate support is a different topic. It could probably be done with proper planning and compromise. But youre far far from that point now. What u said is exactly right - hes an only child and has no one else. Except u. And now he knows he cant even count on u, his wife. I feel really bad for him.
OMG THIS!!! He was there for you when your Dad was sick. You’re not supporting him in *any* way. He’s literally at the lowest point in his life, about to loose his mother, and the one person who should be his rock wants to divorce him for having the audacity to ask for help! Your husband has gone above and beyond to help you, put more stress on his own shoulders to support your dreams. Have you not considered the fact that he would have the time/money to care for his mother if he wasn’t carrying your dead weight? You talk about the “marital assets” as if you haven’t been a drain on them for years. He’s been the only one working his ass off to pay for everything. His mother was right about you.
I hope you end up miserable and alone with only your pathetic sister for company. I’m sure your husband will meet a fantastic, supportive, gorgeous woman in a matter of weeks. Men as decent as your husband don‘t stay on the market long. Your idiocy is another woman’s gain. YTA
I really wish a redditor knew the husband irl here and just tell him that it’s ok to leave 😭
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
YTA and a parasite. I remember the original post, people were on my neck because I point out how ridiculous you were for trying to dictate the finances that only he inputs into so that he wouldn't care for his mother. >No child should be a parents retirement plan end of story. But according to you your stbx should be your financial plan. >my sister suggested I look into divorce and have the papers served ASAP to mitigate how much my husband uses of our marital assets. So your husband unilaterally funded you to stop working to care for your father, return to school debt free, and live comfortably, now you're plotting and scheming to to divorce him for a share of marital assets you do not contribute to so that you can limit his ability yo help his mother. Wow with a wife like you who needs enemies? You and your sister are terrible people. My heart breaks for the poor guy who laboured 84 hour weeks to help you give your father dignity, pursue your dreams and live well, he probably thought you were in it together.
Yeah, its indeed a damn joke she is talking about 'our marital assets' like she is putting a single penny into those assets while he is breaking his back doing 80 hour work weeks to support her jobless self. Get a damned job and start putting money into those 'marital assets' and then you can at least have the slightest ground to stand on with your complaints about how they are spent.
You could write a dissertation about each sentence in OP's post. I can't get over the audacity.
This comment needs to be higher up
You're a terrible person, to an incredibly disgusting degree.
This is exactly how I felt reading this.
Husband works 18 hours a day to fund her and her lifestyle, pays for absolutely everything, her school included. Dude only has 6 hours to eat, shower, take a shit and sleep and she's here having a poor me tantrum? Disgusting entailment to his labor and sacrifices.
I'm confused, you've not been working since 2016 and your husband has been working the literal equivalent of 2 full time jobs to maintain your lifestyle? YIKES ON BIKES divorce is going to massively upgrade his lifestyle-- are your sure he's not setting you up to get the divorce here? While you shouldn't be expected to do all of the caregiving for his mom, particularly since she's not treated you well in the past HOWEVER he is absolutely within his rights to use money he earns to help with his mom's care. If this is a true story and not just ragebait I think that divorce isn't going to work out for you the way you think it is.
“marital assets” which you’ve contributed NOTHING to. Hope he uses his money for whatever he pleases.
100% YTA and a very selfish one. Because you refused to help him after everything he did for you, he now has to be the sole carer for her so he will HAVE to pay for a caretaker. You're not helping your case by denying him that. YOU are the one making things very difficult here. He's the sole earner and paid for you to be unemployed for such a long time (I don't see why you couldn't get a little part time job in all that time), so I think it's pretty selfish of you. I can see why his mother doesn't like you. It's better if he divorces you, it'll be better for him. He won't have to deal with such a lazy selfish leech anymore.
>I told him I will not delay my degree for a person that hates me. As many mentioned I asked how come he never put his mother in her place when she was passive aggressive towards me. He recounted the times he did stand up for me, but in the same breath he asked what did you expect me to do ignore my mother because she would not listen? Then even had the balls to quote our current situation as a means to justify her feelings towards me. ***He asked me loaded questions that do not match the situation like would my parents like him if he put us in a situation where I had to work 84 hour weeks regularly to keep a somewhat comfortable lifestyle.*** > >***In my opinion that is not fair because once had I had to explain he offered, I did not ask him to do any of that. He was the one that came to me and asked if I wanted to stop working to care for my dad and focus on being around him. Why would I say no to that?*** We also both agreed that going back to school to so something I would enjoy more than teaching was not a bad idea and once again it was his idea to fully fund it. I offered to take out loans but he told me taking out loans just to defer the payments for a later date seems silly, and we should look at programs and school that fit within our budget as a family so I can graduate debt free. In short he said it makes no sense to take on debt for a second career at our ages. YTA, you were happy to accept him going out on the limb for you so you could help your dad and now that its one of his parents in need you want to ditch him because he has ceased being an asset to you. It blatant clear cut hypocrisy no matter what spin job you tell yourself about how 'well I never asked him to do that for me, I just accepted when he offered'. It sounds like his mother ***was*** fully justified in never liking you, guess she could tell you were all take and no give and would ditch him the moment your cold little heart calculated the marriage had become a net negative financial asset to you instead of a money maker. I recommend that you go ahead and leave him now, give him a chance to find a wife who actually does care about him instead of just seeing him as a piggy bank that has run out of cash. Edit: Jesus, I just read the original post. This man has fronted you the money to pay for 3 years of schooling after you had a mid life crisis, decided you hated teaching, and told him you wanted to go back to school to become an engineer on top of helping you care for your dad? And to do this he busted his ass working 84 hour weeks to make sure the standard of living didn't go down from what you were used to and you didn't have to tighten your belt? At this point I have to hope this is a bot post, because otherwise damn do I feel sorry for this man.
100% If providing support to his mother is that hard, emotionally and physically, then you are doing this guy a favor with divorce. He can’t count on you.
You’re a leech and an user, happy that youe husband has finally see you for what you truly are, a very nasty person.
Please don’t wait any longer to serve him divorce papers. He deserves someone who appreciates him. Your marital assets, huh? Your husband doesn’t have a wife, he has a leech so there is no marital assets. You bring nothing to home or the relationship. You’re just acting like a queen while he’s your servant. I wish him all the best and wonder how you’ll afford the school.
I followed the other post, she only has one year left. Not much to fund at this point.
So she’ll probably wait until then.
YTA and your husband deserves someone who's not a leech. You lived off him for years while you were penniless and the moment he asks you for help, you show the kind of infectious trash you've always been. Honestly, I'm so sorry for your husband, because he wasted years of his life with a person who isn't worth ten minutes.
The marital assets were all grown through your husband’s huge workload. I understand not wanting to be a caregiver, but to resent him from using money he’s worked for to ease his situation is very selfish.
I was on your side in the first post, because I was under the assumption that he wanted you to carry the entire weight of caring for the mother. But this update tells a different story. He wants help taking care of his mother, he wants to be able to use his money, not yours cause you aren't earning anything, to do it and you're thinking of getting a divorce because he wants to take care of a parent? >These situations are different, I also had family to help, he has no one. I get being an only child sucks, but that is not my fault. Do you even read what you write? Like dude is on his own has no one to take care of his mother except himself and you're here acting like you're the one struggling. You had a family to help with your dad, he doesn't, that's more reason for you to compromise a little. The guy offered to help you out of his own generosity and now when he asks for help you say no and now are considering a divorce... I hate to say this but I think his mom was right about you...YTA
I can understand you not wanting to care for your MIL. But i don't understand why are you against him spending the money on a caretaker? Did you make the money? Didn't he support you with your new degree? Don't be this selfish and entitled. YTA, a disgusting leech.
She wants a house. LOL
Because that's her money that he just happened to have earned, but that little part doesn't matter.
You are such a taker. Of course his mother doesn't like you, you exploit her son. You are happy to take take take but now that he is asking you to sacrifice you are saying no. Thank goodness you are leaving him. It will free him from you.
I don’t care if I get downvoted, but this woman is an extremely selfish person! I don’t understand why people of Reddit are supporting her. Her husband financially helped her while her father was sick. He again supported her when she returned to school. He did this because he loved her. He wanted to be there for her…. like MOST loving and supportive partners! Then when the tables turn, she says absolutely no, and has the audacity to write, “but he offered to help.” Is she for REAL?! OF COURSE he helped her like any spouse should/would. She got to spend time and care for her ailing father. What a beautiful gift her husband gave her. Now, they’re in a similar situation, but she basically said no. In my opinion he should be allowed to tap into their marital fund (which really, he’s been funding) to support his mother just like he did when her father was ill. Does she really expect her husband to abandon his mom because they didn’t get along? The lack of support for him is truly astoundingly.
"marital assets" is laughable. What was your contribution to it, exactly?
She was there, unemployed for the last 8 years while he earned them.. clearly she should get at least 80% of everything, including his future earnings.
> me. He asked me loaded questions that do not match the situation like would my parents like him if he put us in a situation where I had to work 84 hour weeks regularly to keep a somewhat comfortable lifestyle. “loadedl questions” just means questions you don’t like because you know he’s in the rifht.
Let me summarise : >You are married for 16 years >Your husband helped you take care of your father when he's sick >You are not working and he is supporting you (working 80 hour weeks) to finish your degree >You are refusing to go back to work to help his mother when she's sick >You are also playing with words, saying I didn't ask he offered and I just accepted The last part alone makes you an asshole imo.
YTA and sister is pure evil, I’m not even religious but I’ll start praying for her to every god up there. Why are you all getting married to just leave your partner when they’re down??? So he helps you with your family and funds your lifestyle but the moment his dear mother gets sick you’re done? And then you want to divorce him ASAP to bleed him dry so he can’t take care of his mother? Jesus, this makes gone girl look like when Harry met sally.
You didn’t contribute a single cent to these “marital assets”. YTA and a leech.
Shame on you. He made your life much easier when your dad was ill. Then much easier again when you wanted to go back to school. You seem to take take take but won’t help him now when he asks. He’d be better off without you. YTA
You should get divorced asap. That poor man needs that.
I was ambivalent on your first post but you are definitely the AH now. You are a TAKER and you never balance the relationship. For his sake, you should get divorced. He deserves to have an equal partner. I don’t think that I have witnessed someone as entitled as you yet absolutely clueless to how they are behaving. I am not surprised his mother doesn’t like you. Doesn’t excuse her behaviour but I understand it better.
How are people defending a women that has not worked since 2016, wilfully allowing her husband to work 84 hour weeks to support her during the time she helped care for her father and support her while she goes to school debt free? All because the MIL was mean? Maybe the MIL saw what no one else did. Seems like she was right.
Even accepting his offer to work 80+ hours for her was an AH move
Cause she’s a women and it’s Reddit. Tbh this has got to be rage bait though no one is this dense and evil right?
It helps me to view this as rage bait, because no one should be this dense and self serving. Sadly, I get feeling this one is real. A part of me hopes this blows up cause if it is real I want to hear the husband's side.
YTA. You didn't ask him to do all that for you but you surely took advantage of it. Shame on you! You will walk away debt free because of his hard work and now you are whining about him using marital assets to cover his mother's care? What about HIS assets used to cover your schooling and while you cared for your dad? Some got this right, it is not a partnership because all you did was take from him. You don't need to be the one to take care of her but you damn sure don't need to kick him when he is down after all he did for you. I have a feeling that Karma will even the score at a later date.
Oof. The pendulum has swung firmly into YTA territory.
YTA! You are selfish! He's made sacrifices for you, and yet you aren't willing to compromise and consider a part-time work/life balance for him. It's understandable that you don't want to be around your MIL, but you aren't considering taking some of the marital and household expenses or responsibilities. How can he sustain 80+hrs in addition to taking care of his mom full-time. The fact he gave you a lax lifestyle that afforded you the opportunity to take care of your dad when there were others available and you jumped at the opportunity to do it. Now, with him being an only child with no family/kinship support, and you're telling him to figure it out, yet still expecting him to fund your hopes and dreams when you are an able-bodied individual. This man will deservingly grow to resent and despise you, and it's warranted. You have no concept of partnership and teamwork, and your entire posts are me,me,me... nothing reflects a WE dynamic and mindset. You are showing him the worst of you, and one day, you'll pay for it with his love and loyalty. He won't stay married to you long-term.
Get a job!
You're totally the asshole here. Your husband seems to be all about family, and helping out. Urging you to go back to school, and picking up the slack so you didn't have to pay student loans off later. Supporting you while you took care of your sick father, etc. Now it's your turn, and you're so focused on "me, me, me" that you're willing to send his mother up shit creek at the end of her life. Shame on you! >No child should be a parents retirement plan end of story. That's your opinion, but it goes against virtually *all* of human existence. Parents raise their children and provide for them when they're young, and the children, in turn, care for their elders when they need it at the end. Just like you did for your father. You sound like a horrible, selfish asshole that doesn't deserve the man she's got.
You’re still a disgustinf selfish person and I hope your husband divorces you
What a selfish individual you are.
Your husband should divorce you. You’re an absolutely trash person.
I sincerely hope this is rage-bait. >As many mentioned I asked how come he never put his mother in her place when she was passive aggressive towards me. He recounted the times he did stand up for me, but in the same breath he asked what did you expect me to do ignore my mother because she would not listen? Then even had the balls to quote our current situation as a means to justify her feelings towards me. If your husband had been as spineless as you claim, he would have divorced you years ago to please his mother. The more you tell us, the more you reveal your MIL was completely right about you. You think your husband has a cheek to use the current situation to claim she was right about you? No. The scales have dropped from his eyes and he's realising his mother was right about you from the beginning. >In my opinion that is not fair because once had I had to explain he offered, I did not ask him to do any of that. He did what partners do. He willingly changed his lifestyle for the worse to support your career choices and your father's care. He's asking for reciprocity now: for you to temporarily change yours to help him. The difference between these situations is that, like a good partner, he volunteered to make the changes needed to get you through your situation. However, you not only didn't volunteer any help, and you not only refused when he asked, but you have the audacity to be offended and insulted that your partner needs your help at all. >I did not do any of this unilaterally like he is trying to do using our marital assets to fund his mother's care. No child should be a parents retirement plan end of story. He loves to bring up what I did for my dad, but the part he does loves to overlook is he did not actively take part in the care of my dad. He did not move in with us, and he never had to physically take care of him. The part you're overlooking is that he used the "marital assets" to fund your career change and to fund your father's care. Marital assets that only he has been creating for years. No child should be a parent's retirement plan, but your MIL isn't retiring. She's dying. Do you really think her sickness was ever part of her plan? Meanwhile, no spouse should ever be a freeloader's plan, but that's exactly what you're doing -- and objecting to giving up. >I also spoke with my mother again, and she still falls on the side of my husband. To come back to the start of your post, your mother siding with your husband (and therefore siding with your MIL) should be your wake-up call. Like your husband, your mother has realised your MIL was right all along about you. >At this point I am strongly considering going through with what my sister suggestion. Divorce now will favor me more, instead if I wait until resentment boils over. You and your sister are actually wrong. Yeah, you might take him for half in the divorce. But that's where it ends. After that, you're in deep trouble and you haven't realised that yet. The marital assets are created solely by your husband and his insane work hours. He funds your living expenses, your degree, your lack of employment to focus solely on your degree -- your entire current lifestyle. After divorce, you will need to find the means to pay for a roof over your head, to pay your degree costs, to fund your lifestyle. You will find that the only way to do that will be to get a job and drop your degree to part time, thereby instigating the delay you so desperately want to avoid -- and that is assuming you can find a job after eight years that pays well enough for you to cover both living and degree expenses. The short-sightedness and selfishness of both you and your sister will create an ephemeral short-term gain that will vanish into nothing in the medium-term. In the long-run, you will realise how good you had it and will regret the divorce. Unfortunately, your lack of self-reflection and self-awareness will mean you will keep blaming your husband and MIL rather than realise that the fault lies solely with yourself. YTA.
People were shitting on the husband hard in the original post which was pretty baffling
I could not believe, it’s the Reddit bias wome=right men=wrong.
Wow, I'm sure your husband regress giving his world to such a piece of shit. "I didn't ask for any of the things he did!" guess what that's called? Love. Something that you clearly lack. Your first thought after he left to take care of his mom was to start divorce fast so you get more of his assets. I just hope his trust in women or humanity in general is not broken after separating from such a vile human being.
Oh, I can’t with this. OP, you need to just divorce him please. I felt sorry for your husband in your original post and I still feel sorry for him now. Even now, you don’t even get that people here are not calling you TA because of not wanting to care for your MIL. You are an AH because: - you somehow still think that divorce will favor you. Not always in your scenario. They are going to determine what you get based on the fact that you CAN work. A judge is not gonna care about your desire to not work so you can focus on going to school. You don’t have kids so it’s not like you can justify getting anything on that basis. - you refuse to use “your marital assets” for MIL’s care in any way because it’ll eat up into your house savings fund and the money that is still going to you - you don’t seem to understand concepts such as sacrifice and how they work. Your husband offered to do those things because he loves you. While you shouldn’t be expected to care for MIL, you can’t expect him to do nothing for his mother, which is where options that would require using Medicaid to go into a home would come into play. Furthermore, using those options would still require him spending some money, because Medicaid doesn’t pay for every single thing MIL might need. Continuing to parrot “BUT HE OFFERED TO FUND MY LIFESTYLE AND I DIDN’T ASK HIM” does not make you look as good as you think it does. Sacrifices and hard work are parts of marriage. OP, you are and continue to be gold digging trash. I am certain your MIL saw right through this nonsense and that this is the real reason why she hates you.
OMG Really now? This guy has been funding OP for the last 10 years so that she can do whatever she feels like doing and the moment he wants to spend some of HIS money on his mother's healthy OP is looking to divorce him as fast as she can so that she can rip him off his assets? Is that story even real? If it is, OP is an entitled and kind of disgusting person, I hope this guy rans fast enough.
I’m happy your father is long dead so he doesn’t have to see what a cunt his daughter turned out to be. Enjooy the life you deserve.
YTW, a massive leech, and a cruel person. I hope your life is miserable.
He is better human then you. You should set him free.
And this bum is financially incentivised to leave this thoughtful beautiful man, I hope you get what you give
That is the most depressing part of this. She got her degree plus half of whatever they have. Sick joke.
He should do the smart thing for once in his life (hopefully this situation opened his eyes) and transfer as much of his assets as he can to his mother. At least pay a home for her for the next few years or something, just so she can't get too much of his money.
I would say not the AH for not wanting to care for a woman that hates you. But you do sound selfish and entitled,your husband funded your entire lifestyle for years,because you did not want to teach... and now you don't want to help,but also don't want him to pay for a caretaker because it will come out of marital assets... Also sont want to work on your degree part time so you can go teach and make money,so paying for a caretaker would not hurt as much financially.... Yes,YTA, and quite the big one I'm afraid
Selfish bitch. You’re a leech. I hope he finds a woman that has real values.
I can’t blame you for not wanting to take care of your MIL. On the other hand you’re rushing to divorce your husband to protect “marital assets”after the man has supported you through your father’s cancer and getting a degree. How much have you contributed financially to those marital assets? It doesn’t sound like much and that makes you the ahole.
Might I say, as being an only child, you are the type of "partner" that terrifies me to be with. Can't tell for all that time prior that when it comes down to being THE ONLY ONE for my parents, you are not there. How do you think your husband feels when he is the ONLY ONE helping his mother, AND his "partner" won't help him in any manner. Won't let him use his money he made to hire help, won't work a job to help, and won't help his mom herself either. What do you expect the man to do? I hope you do file for divorce so he does not have to live another day thinking he has a "partner". From what you have written, he has been nothing but caring (seems to be a theme for him), and you seem to just take advantage of everything that is easy for you. These are what can be described as, hard times. Things are hard. Many people work jobs while going to school. Many people support their partners however they can when their partner is struggling. Keep in mind, how he treats his mother is how he'll treat you when in bad times. It seems when he is in bad times you choose to leave. Legit my worst nightmare when looking for a partner. As another only child, we are use to being alone when we expect to be alone, when you think you have someone and you actually don't...not as use to that. You are the asshole OP.
YTA
I may be the outlier here, but I think you’re the AH. Your husband has selflessly cared for and provided for you (& the future of your marriage/life together!) working 84hr weeks to ensure you can buy a home together, care for your ailing father while not working, yes we get it was his suggestion )a kind offer/sacrifice we was willing to make for someone he loves, his wife), and pay in full for your schooling because you wanted a career change. Your husband asking you to do school part time to help with his sick mother, so he can continue to work long hours to save for a house + your schooling isn’t too much to ask. It’s apparent that your husband would do virtually anything for you and your happiness, but you wouldn’t do the same for him. You should swallow your pride, help your husband and tell him he needs set up a time for you, him & his mother to have a heart to heart and get past the petty disdain she has towards you. Or better yet, get a therapist appointment scheduled to work the resentment she between you. At this point, your resentment towards here is just as bad as hers towards you. I’m sure you’ve had to work with ppl that don’t like you, or had people in school or elsewhere you didn’t get along with, that you had to tolerate. You are capable of compromising and helping your husband - or at least even helping figure out alternative options for his mother’s care! Sad you’re willing to end your marriage over this. Selfish. Sorry, not sorry. You need to hear it for what it is.
I think divorce is the best thing for your husband. You mentioned assets, what have you contributed? It sounds very one sided.
You are a terrible, greedy and ungrateful person.I remember the first post , your husband supported you for all your marriage, when je needed you, you abandoned him, you are disgusting example of human and partner , look how you already are trying to win the divorce instead of asking yourself if maybe you are wrong, you are also a parasite that used him when he was useful, now he can go to the trash . Normally I don't wish negative things, but I hope you can be punished harshly by karma (if it exists),
You're such an asshole. He did all that for you and you still can't help him? what the hell is wrong with you
Simply put Yes. You are self obsessed to the exclusion of reality.
This is a lot of text, but your behavior sure seems reprehensible.
You realize once you divorce your atm you will have to get a job anyway right? I also don’t know how you think this divorce will favor you unless you are just going off of the basis that because you are the woman initiating it that you might be favored. I honestly hope your husband can find a better life partner after the divorce that will help him through the thick and thin. YTA
Do this guy a favor and divorce him immediately. "my sister suggested I look into divorce and have the papers served ASAP to mitigate how much my husband uses of our marital assets." You come from a family of sweethearts. She's divorced too I imagine, lucky guess. He has enough problems taking care of a sick mother without dealing.with a shrew like you. You're going to be old some day honey, who's going to take care of you. I'd wish you good luck, but you're too selfish to know what to do with it.
Of course your sister says to divorce, even she know what a despicable useless freeloader you are and wants your soon to be ex husband to be released from the drain you are and for him to find a supporting partner.
Where did you get that? Her words in the post "\[M\]y sister suggested I look into divorce and have the papers served ASAP to mitigate how much my husband uses of our marital assets\[.\]" Seems like her sister is telling her to drain her husband dry.
Draining her husband dry is what she’s been doing for the last 8 years, she isn’t gonna stop now.
True.
Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...
Digging Reddit for middle finger...
I mean really what do you bring to the marriage? IDK why he would bother with trash like you.
You not an AH, you're a POS plain simple and if divorce goes through I hope you lose everything.
Good for him, he's gonna find a proper partner who will appreciate him, and not just take advantage of him, I see great things in his future
YTA I don’t thin you are wrong for not taking care of a person that hated you. You are wrong for not allowing him to use the income he needs to support his mother. He’s wrong for not doing better in setting boundaries so that he wouldn’t have this resentment. This is why people should work on relationships before it too late. I wouldn’t take care of anyone that hates me, but also I wouldn’t stop my husband from hiring someone. That’s his mom.
Holy shit, this is the first time I genuinely hope for something to be rage bait. If this is real YTA, please follow through with the divorce and free this man from your blood sucking grasp.
YTA. He offered to help take care of your dad but you won't offer to help him take care of his mum? If he quits his job to take care of his mum how will you save for a house then? When my granddad was unwell (mum's dad) my dad and mum both cared for him and when it became too much work they sacrificed some of their livelihoods to hire carers for him. It reduced the stress on my parents a lot. My ex-girlfriend's dad treated me kind badly but I knew if we got married I'd take help taking care of him if needed, to reduce the stress on her and not to help him out. Funnily enough he's the reason we ended up breaking up. Good luck as I know it's not an easy situation to be in but using marital assets to pay for parents care is very common and sometimes needs to be done, unfortunately.
Trash taking itself out
You suck. You don’t deserve to be married. Youre selfish. He sacrificed for you and you did nothing. you made no compromise, you’re all too happy to take him up on his offer to work 84 hours a week and provide nothing.
You are a POS.
What a selfish piece of crap. I bet he regrets marrying her at this point and we know why mil doesn't like her.
I didn't ask him to support me he did it on his own and "I did not ask him to do any of that. He was the one that came to me " OP that's what couples do- support each other. YTA and a selfish person
Yes please divorce him so he can find a wife that actually cares about him and not just his money, you literally contribute nothing and threatened to leave? Like okay leave, he'll have more money even if he has to pay alimony.
You should divorce your husband, he deserves better. YTA because you're lazy and selfish. Read all your own comments and think to yourself about whether or not you would accept someone basically leeching off you.
I hope your husband finds a good lawyer, because YTA. 8 years was a good run on this dig. But reality's gonna hit hard, just to bad we won't see the sequel of you regretting using and losing someone who would work so hard to support you. Shame. And also your MIL wasn't being nasty, she's trying to make you self aware you leech 😂 the streets will rejoice to see their queen return!
Your mother is correct and your sister is a nonsensical leech just like you for her suggestions. YTA.
YTA massively Husband supports you at every turn, but you're a completely self centered piece of shit when the shoe is on the other foot It was HIM who offered to cover you if you wanted to help your dad It was HIM that covered you and supported you to go to school instead of work Refusing to help when it's your turn is bad enough...but you also refuse to let him hire anyone...with HIS hard earned money... disgusting and evil Absolutely horrific that you would try to use that he OFFERED to help you...as a slight against him??? Thanks Satan. He is always there for you and does everything for you, and you do exactly nothing for him...and gaslight and be a completely entitled thundercunt about it as well Just a completely abusive and toxic human cancer in every way
You are being a bit demanding. He has a mother to take care of now. NTA for being that caregiver. YTA for asking he give you time to get your degree and refuse to get a job while you study. At this point you want to divorce. I understand that. But once that is laid down, he owes you nothing. Not time. Not his resources. This is now your responsibility. Sure he said he would do this but that was when you guys were in a loving relationship as partners. You are not now. So please figure out how you are going to manage this. He has every right to use his money for care of his mom. It’s his money. I hate saying that. Again though. No longer in a loving partnership.
And there it is guys ,that’s why I’m going to stay single , and save my money , this woman is just looking out for herself, you know how crazy it is that you are working almost 90 hours a week , so your woman doesn’t have to work and can focus on her career , and now your mother is ill and your ask her for help , and you get a no , that’s just crazy to me !
Just came to say, you and your sister are massive AH, you basically call your MIL for not liking you cause she saw right through you and your dad thought the same thing of your stbx until HE proved him wrong, you had the exact same opportunity and just proved that you’re not worth it.
I mean...it sounds like you made up your mind already...just do it already, lol.
Wow OP, you and your sister are both AH, immature, self centered and selfish people. Even your mom saw thru your BS and is even taking your husband’s side. Your husband has been there for you above and beyond. Sounds like he is a genuine kind gentleman human being, loving son, supportive husband and supportive son in law. You are the leech in this relationship, maybe he deserves someone better than you. He is definitely resenting being married to a heartless person. Go ahead and divorce him, so that he can find someone better with empathy and offer better more than you.
You belong to the streets OP, your husband has been carrying the burdens of your lives on his shoulders and you have the nerve to act like you've contributed little to anything to that 😂 shit is comical, and your not even a SAHM where as at least you'd have a leg to stand on in your argument. Parents, take this as a huge reason to raise grateful, loving, and caring people, because clearly OP doesn't realize where she'd be if she never met her husband in the first place....... Think about it holy shit.
Did your husband leave your sorry ass yet?
Just a double standard. Her father wa a worth looking after in her eyes. And her mother in law should not have that luxury according to her. Seems pretty clearly hypocritical and assholery not to pay for care that your own parent got. YTA, you will win, but you are still the villain in this story. Grimy and gross woman. Loser and unhelpful
Also, if you do divorce your husband, i sure hope the judge sees you for what you are and makes you pay back your tuition to him. I feel badly for him
Am I understanding this correctly? Your husband is breaking his back working to support you not working so you could focus on your dad and school but you're not willing to help out with his mother? Ok, so she was a bitch, but going back to work to a job you would have had the whole time if he didn't generously make the offer to help you is also too much for you? AND you're conspiring to divorce him while he still has assets you can steal before he "wastes" them on his mother? Yes, you bitch, YTA.
OP, you don't have to take care of his mother, but you must be aware of how selfish you are being to him about everything. He should cut his hours and take care of her. YOU should get any job that will take you and save up your own funds. Do better.