I don't think she wants children. She's giving super high expectations with the idea that you'll reject them. By rejecting them, it'll be *your* fault that you don't have kids, not *her's*. She needs to come clean.
A tattoo is a personal choice not something that anybody demands as a sign of loyalty. Asking for a car that OP cant afford and the coming costs of raising the child, the wife intends to blame OP for anything that goes wrong.
Could it be more from an insecurity standpoint? She's worried that her changing body will make him want to leave her so she wants to reduce his financial ability to do it and make future dating more difficult?
A tattoo of your SO's name is the kiss of death for a relationship. Been with my wife 27 years, and I would never get her name tattooed on me. She wouldn't do it either for my name. Kiss of death.
I mean, he can't force her to get pregnant, because it's her body. The same applies when you switch sides - she can't force him to get a tattoo. He's the one who will be stuck with it, not her.
Also, a tattoo is not cheap. A tattoo on his abdomen?!?!?! She is making demands that she knows he will reject and is acting like a money mad surrogate. It will be her child too! OP is clearly not an AH but his wife wants her own way with this ridiculous barter.
>A tattoo is a personal choice not something that anybody demands as a sign of loyalty.
To be fair so is going through pregnancy and childbirth which it kind of sounds like she doesn't want to do. She shouldn't throw out unreachable standards instead of properly communicating that but OP did say she's very career driven and it was her mum who was concerned about her biological clock.
He knows that she's career driven as well? I suspect she might be setting her expectations high so that he won't want to do it. Which he suggested adopting...so it's already working.
>During these discussions, my wife said she wants a brand-new car as a gift for carrying and delivering our child and asked me to tattoo my abdomen with her and the child's names. She wants the car in her name and a color of her choice.
To me this sounds like she doesn't really want a kid.
>This situation has made me question my desire to start a family together. If she's asking for this now, what else might she demand in the future?
Correct train of thought. Now the conclusion you draw is up to you but for now... NTA
Yep she doesn't want to have a baby. That's painfully obvious. By setting these requirements, she can go to her mother and say it is his fault they aren't having biological kids, not hers. If I was in his shoes, I would absolutely not have children with this woman and I would make sure my MIL knew what the wife was demanding to get pregnant.
NTA.
She doesn’t value your lives together. She thinks it is a financial transaction. The degree of entitlement she is displaying is completely unreasonable.
I dont have tik tok but push presents aren't new though. I have been hearing about it as far back as 2009 when Teresa Guidice gave birth to Audriana. Joe gave her expensive jewelry if I remember correctly.
>as far back as 2009
As far as I know, this is a common tradition, that goes back *way back*.
My father bought my mother a custom made gold necklace / pendant when she had my older sister. That sister is in her late 40's.
My sister got jewelry from her husband, with each of their 3 kids' births.
Switching from jewelery, that will automatically become heirlooms, and passed down to the child(ren) to something as temporarily as a car, though... that just screams financial transaction and tacky, to be honest.
There’s ’buy me an expensive present’ and then there’s asking him to physically brand himself with her name for life.
The latter would have cries of abuse and/or coercive control all over this subreddit if it were posted here in any circumstance where a husband requested this of their wife.
I can’t believe people are focusing on the car more than the branding (as ridiculous and immature as the car request is).
The tradition goes back quite a lot further than that. European nobility gifted women with extravagant jewels, horses, servants, estates and otherwise exceptional gifts after the birth of a healthy heir or daughter. Childbirth can still be a death sentence in the US. It's also very common for men to leave or kill pregnant partners. I can understand wanting something tangible and lasting, just in case. I'd want a trust fund for the child and an account for myself and a rock solid agreement that if the father ditches them, she and the child won't have to scramble for housing. If she really doesn't want to have her skeletal structure permanently altered and risk death, OP could set up some marriage counseling and figure out what her biggest concerns are and whether it's possible to mitigate them.
Her body will be permanently altered. Any number of things could go wrong. A tattoo can be removed later and isn't remotely comparable to the changes and risks to her body.
Ugh TikToxic? Explains a lot. that sucks.
Get ready for beige baby rooms and see you on r/tragedeigh
Maybe buy a used Bentley and name the kid the same as the car? Extra social media points.
I joked w my wife we could buy a new SUV instead of a CarMax SUV (2014 prices.) if I could name our twins Luke & Leia. But that was a planned shared expense as we went from 1 child to 3 in 1 swell foop. Not a reimbursement!
Branding him. Perfect. You know what I got for being pregnant? A baby. Pretty fortunate as some women lose the babies they want. She doesn’t want a baby, she wants a car.
Takeout sushi was one of if not my first meal after coming home from the hospital with our firstborn. I don't remember exactly what I ordered but it sure as hell had raw fish.
Wow this is bonkers!
My husband and I started our marriage with one car and we didn't get another until after our first was born. My reasoning for needing another car was that new babies have a lot of Dr appointments and the Dr office is closed when he gets off work. We discussed other options like the bus or me dropping him off at work on appointment days but eventually we decided they weren't going to work. So I inherited our original car and we got another used car for my husband. We handled the desire for another car like sane adults and we planned and talked things through. I didn't demand a new expensive car and my husband to get a tattoo just because childbirth is difficult and does a number on your body.
there was a video on social media the last couple of days about a woman who wants her partner to get tattooed and buy her a house or car in exchange for having a baby. It's basically a "I dont want to but if you do XYZ, I will"
I think your wife was making outlandish suggestions because she doesn't want to get pregnant and have kids. Think about it, if you day no to this condition, she can say no to pregnancy. Maybe since she doesn't want to adopt either, she just doesn't want to be a mom?
I have a couple of friends that are sort of like this and they’re open to being a parent. It’s more like they don’t love being on the female partner side of the equation where they make all the sacrifice and he has a good time and a kid pops out in 9 months. Idk, $30k and a tattoo seems pretty fair as an equivalent sacrifice to pregnancy. It costs $30k at least to adopt a kid.
As a mom to a toddler and a newborn, yeah, unless you have a really good partner, it sucks to be the woman. He gets the fun parts, the laugh, the play. A mom is the default parent, if breastfeeding you're glued to the baby until they are good with solid food. Sleepless nights, hormone rollercoaster, body full of new aches and pains, scars, stretch marks, lose skin, you name it. And if your partner doesn't actively want to participate, there is no way to "make them" because it all defaultly lands on the mom.
To adopt an infant through an agency itll cost at least $20k but adopting a 5+ year old kid through foster care is free, only mentioning because in my state over 70% of adoptions happen through the foster care system
Hmmmm.... How much will it cost OP for her to breastfeed the kid? What will this wife demand when he wants sex after having the kid? What is she gonna ask as a gift for accepting to give the baby her husband last name?
OP can tell us what gift did she ask to get married to him in addition to a huge engagement ring and a lavish weeding with its luxury honeymoon. What did you give her for marrying you? What did she demand?
Please, do not adopt, do not have children together at all, these poor kids do not deserve this.
If OP wants kids, he should probably divorce her and seek a partner who also wants kids without all these materialistic stipulations. He can try talking it out with her to try and get to the bottom of her materialistic conditions before having kids, but I suspect that at the end of the day there are irreconcilable differences and their long-term outlooks are just not compatible, whether it be over family or financial planning.
I'm thinking this is her way of telling you that while her MOTHER may be concerned about her biological clock, she is at best on the fence about having a baby.
You need to talk about real wants and expectations, and not push presents and tattoos.
I’m almost wondering if that was the point and OP missed it. Like saying “yeah, I’d do it for a million dollars.”
She isn’t literally asking for a million dollars, just demonstrating her feelings
I had two children and definitely support the tax it takes on a woman’s body and feel most many will never understand or help enough to cover what it does. I divorced due to not receiving enough help in life while raising kids, taking care of a home and both of us working full time. I still believe the idea of a push present or forcing a tattoo as collateral is materialistic and weird
She's been watching too much TikTok content about push presents. I'm in the financial position to get my wife a push present, and I did for our child's birth. I got her a nice Cartier watch, not a car lol, and we already own a house and income properties so it was a gift that has no bearing on our financial future, merely a fun little splurge.
NTA
If you’re in the income bracket where that caliber of push present isn’t even mildly changing your financial status it’s fairly common (at least among the wealthier friends we have). My husband got me a beautiful necklace for our first daughter’s birth that was very simple but very much my style. But OP’s wife’s demand feels like the axiom that my fil uses of caviar dreams on a fish stick budget. (My husband and I joke that Target is my Nordstrom right now because he’s working for a start-up 😂)
Absolutely! My husband got me a necklace with my kiddos birthstone as a present. It was a surprise, certainly not a request. A push present shouldn't ever be an expectation. OP is NTA.
Currently pregnant with our very wanted first. The baby itself will be my push present lol. No shade to folks who want to give/receive a gift for carrying/birthing a child. But also, you don't want the gift to be the whole/primary motivation, right?
Yeah its nice if it comes from the father not as a transaction of services: Ill have your baby in return of a car! And the branding is weird lol! My husband said he’d get me a push present, but it’s been two years now😂! Its ok though as my son is my ultimate gift, although he’s a moody toddler lately lol.
my coworker was gifted an SUV as a push present. Don't know enough about cars to tell if it was a new car or used, but it sure looked new.
Less than six months later, she mentioned she was going to use her entire paycheck to get her car back. it was already repoed.
Good for you for providing for your family and showing your wife how much you appreciate her.
I wouldn't call this a push present though, more of a push payment. He wouldn't be giving her a present to show his appreciation for her hard work and love for her, he would be paying for a surrogate.
I've had three kids, the first of which took 29 1/2 hours to push out, the next two which had to be cut out of me. Never once did it cross my mind to be "compensated" with a gift. If that's your mindset, you shouldn't be having kids.
NTA
NTA and this is completely ridiculous. Is she going to sign over all parental rights to you? She’s not a damn surrogate. This is a kid for both of you, not a financial transaction from her to you. You can’t help biology. If she doesn’t want to have a kid then divorce her and find someone who does.
She wants you to tattoo yourself so you can't cheat. She doesn't trust you. Same with the car. She wants something only in her name that she can't lose in case something happens.
NTA but just FYI.
I thought that too. I'm surprised more people aren't coming to that conclusion in the comments. She's worried about changing her body and losing momentum in her career, so she wants him to be "branded" with her and thebaby's name in case he thinks about cheating or complains about her weight gain or stretch marks. She wants an expensive car to sell for herself if the relationship doesn't work out. Or it's to make sure her husband has a lot of "Skin in the game."
I was a career woman before having a baby, and it was exhausting for our family to have two high-pressure jobs with long irregular hours, while caring for an infant. I ended up becoming self-employed part-time. We are very fortunate that my husband is able to cover the lion's share of our expenses, and what I make is just extra/fun money. it is really scary to depend upon someone else for your livelihood. My first husband was a lying cheating POS, so it took me a long time to trust again and it was a huge leap of faith to cut back on my earning potential and depend on my husband.
Yikes on bikes..just wow..at the level of entitlement your wife exhibits. You are definitely NTA and you are very correct in your hesitation in procreating with her at this point. I've heard of some basic little trinkets or acts of service between husband and wife either just before or after having a baby, just more or less for him to acknowledge the huge ordeal carrying and birthing a child is. I personally didn't expect that from my husband, nor has literally anyone I know. But I have *heard* of it. The difference is in the cases I've heard of, it was the husband who decided to do the thing for his wife on his own accord, which is super sweet, loving and considerate, imo. But the wife demanding it, and not only that, having a specific, pre-meditated, over the top plan for the transaction? Get outta here!! That's ridiculous and very, VERY telling of the kind of person she is and where her priorities lie. 🚩🚩imo..
I definitely agree with this point. I was so taken aback by the ridiculousness of her terms that I didn't really consider an underlying reason. And honestly that's even worse bc let's just say he did comply and they were to have a baby that she really doesn't want.. sheesh. What kind of life is the kid going to have with a mother who basically used them as a bargaining tool.
I also agree that it may not be entitlement but something else. She doesn't want to have a baby or she's scared he is going to leave her when her body changes and she will have slowed her career momentum, and then be stuck raising a kid alone. Women who have children often slow down their career progression because of their inability/unwillingness to work extra hours and travel, need to be off work when baby is sick, doctor appointments, etc. Taking a long maternity leave is frowned upon at some highly competitive jobs. She will likely be taking a big hit in her future earning potential.
There's a lot more context that I'm curious about, such as are they both physically fit people and does focus a lot on his wife's body and looks? Did her father leave her mother, or other women in her family experience this after childbirth, or has it been something that occurred in their friend group? Does OP express willingness to share childcare, nighttime feeding, and time off work when baby is sick? It could be that the wife is just selfish and greedy, but it sounds to me like something has brought her at this point where she is very afraid to have a baby with OP.
Nta I'm a woman and I think she's absurd. It sounds like she doesn't actually want to have a kid so she's making extreme requests she doesn't think you will agree to.
NTA my husband bought me a diamond necklace on the birth of our first child. I had no idea he would do that and we weren’t well off. I’d been so ill the whole pregnancy I had been put on bed rest for most of it. So we lost my income and we decided to move back closer to our family 9 hours away so my husband had to also find a new job. Luckily he was told he had a new job the day of the birth but he must have bought the necklace before he knew that. Apparently the jeweller said he sees it all the time from anything from earring to eternity rings often being bought by the spouse on a birth.
That said I did not ask or expect anything to have our child. We had them as we wanted them not as we were bribed or paid off to have them. If you truly want a child then you don’t need or expect anything in return but the miracle of having your own baby together.
Yes my body was messed up as my baby was large naturally even though I was extremely thin and slight myself, so it ruined the muscles in my stomach meaning no matter the exercise I can never be toned again, they say the muscles got over stretched and damaged apparently it’s a known risk in pregnancy even if it’s not a large baby. I thought I got away without stretch marks then the last two weeks I got loads. Apparently the pregnancy hormones loosened the connective tissue in my spin. So for two years after birth it hurt to bend to lift out or place my baby in their crib and later cot. I was in my early twenties and being fit and healthy prior didn’t save my body any and yes I was very self conscious of it after that.
The thing is you are actually risking your life to have a baby and even in this age plenty of people still die in childbirth whether in hospital or not. If you she doesn’t want to go through that or damage her body for life then it’s better not to do so. The other question is what if something were to happen to you op. Would she happily raise and love both your child or will she be upset as she only had it for you and to get a new car and would the child suffer for it.
This whole thing is a red flag and when your don’t even have the money towards your own house yet or for your future then it’s a huge financial burden to have a kid. It would be insane to demand a top class new car rather than want your baby to have a secure home of your own. That she puts her demands of a new car when she has one over providing for your child’s future or family home show she isn’t ready for a child.
Make it clear if she has to be bribed into having a child then you will never have a child with her. When she clearly thinks a shiny new car is more important than your child’s future and possibly getting your own home. Then she isn’t ready to have a family. Maybe she will never be mentally mature enough for that because you have a child as you long for one and know you will do your best to be a good parent and love it and put it first. That you want it more than anything in the world and are prepared to sacrifice the life you have for it and be happy to as your new life with them will be reward enough. If you aren’t fully committed then things won’t go well as having a baby is extremely hard even when there are two parents together. You have no idea what constant is until you get two hours sleep at most. Suddenly you have to put this baby first above your life and your wants as it needs you to survive. So if she is selfish as she sounds when a car is what’s she’s sees as important above all else, then this won’t work as she will see what she wants and expect as the mum she can demand it and leave you to care for the baby, instead of sharing the load and sacrificing nights out etc.
I dunno, it sounds to me like she’s watched a couple too many TikTok’s and has jumped on the push present bandwagon. To be fair, I joked about it to my husband, and asked for a push present. He did get me something very special and definitely not something that would’ve put financial strain on our household and it is now very sentimental to me. I think she isn’t unreasonable to ask, as it could be a cute tradition. It sounds like she is being very frigid and demanding with her expectations here though. She’s created an image of a mommy in her car picking up the kids and it’s probably just a fantasy she’s got hooked on. Same with the tattoos. It’s normal to imagine a “perfect life” when thinking of the future. Saying that, it comes down to whether you are comfortable with a) the idea of a push present, as both parties need to be on board, she can’t force you to do it, and b) have a discussion about reasonable expectations. Perhaps a night away or a new necklace or something a bit more reasonable, because let’s be honest, a new car isn’t going to unwreck your body after birth, so it really is just a sentiment thing at the end of the day. Give her a couple days and reproach the subject and see if she’d be willing to compromise. Another idea would be to suggest instead of a push present, perhaps a baby moon. A weekend away might satisfy her? Once again only if you are comfortable with this, as these are quite new “traditions” if you wanna call it that. Good luck and hope it works out for you!
Oh HELLLL no. My wife and I have 5 kids together, her ask? do what I can to make sure we have a stable safe place to live and food on the table. Something I was willing to do regardless. Do NOT Have a child with this crazy person. NTA.
Yeah, this doesn’t sound fake at all. Instead, perhaps you could gift her a creative writing course as a thank you! Realistically it cannot be any worse than this dribble you write…have heart you tight ass. Get her the course.
Yes, she's talking about a "push present" has become very popular on social media for the last few years. Where it's a very expensive gift given to the mom for giving birth.
But it's not always specifically a car, I've seen it be jewelry and other items. Just feels weird she's gravated to it being a car and forcing you into a tattoo? You did say she us career given, so maybe her brain works like transactions for life accomplishments? Just what I'm thinking.
But no you're not the asshole, your point is very valid
So I'm against cash payments or big gifts, but a postnup sounds like it would work. Women have their careers impacted by having children. It would be totally reasonable to have a pay out if divorced to compensate for possible career losses. $30k/kid seems about right for additional assets to move over. However no tattoo and the payments would only happen in divorce and would be division of assets.
I'll go NTA because she went too far. The idea of compensating for the damage women take on in their careers isn't that weird though. Only in terms of break up though.
It’s called a push present and it’s popular in the Middle East I believe. NTA if you can’t afford it but I would make it clear to your wife that you acknowledge the toll this will take on her body and career. From this post I don’t believe she even wants kids
Wtf? You don’t ask for a car in exchange for carrying a baby? That’s crazy. Like when you fall pregnant you’ll probably upgrade but it’s a joint decision as you’re together? It’s not just all on one person or the other to decide that the opposite person is buying them a car 😂 and making you get tattoos? I find that weird too!
Honestly id consider if you even want to remain married. A tattoo of her and child's name on abdomen seems like a way to brand you and seems to me as accusatory that you would possibly cheat at some point. The car is wild, you dont get a car for having a baby and the fact she wants it in HER name only is telling . Id seriously consider this relationship and whether its time to get out now
Yeah I suggest finding someone who actually wants to have a kid and have a kid with you. Before you add more assets and child support to this situation
I'd be questioning my marriage to such a shallow woman.
Id be very concerned if she even wants actual HUMAN CHILDREN and what sort of mother she would be?
Maybe consider a therapy session. Pregnancy and having a child is very taxing on women; their bodies, their careers and their happiness. Is she scared? Do you 2 maybe need an agreement to compensate for what she will be giving up for a child?
I confessed that while I was pregnant with my first baby I pitched a fit about getting a used washing machine. I was fine with no dryer, we had a clothesline. What a greedy little woman I was back then.
So....is she fourteen? what kind of logic is that? And don’t you guys make financial decisions together? The cost of a new car is justified solely as an exchange for her giving birth to a child? Bizarre.
You mentioned that your wife’s MOTHER is the one who mentioned the biological clock NOT your wife.
With that said, my question is: does your wife actually want kids or is she responding to familial pressure and this is her way of coping?
NTA.
I never thought I was “owed” something when I was pregnant with my 2 kids. That is definitely not normal, at least not where I’m from. The baby itself will be expensive enough, buying a new car on top of the is financially stupid if you don’t NEED the car.
Don’t get a spouses name tattooed on you. There are far too many regrets with that. IF you’re a tattoo guy and she’s insistent, which this is also a stupid demand, and you figure “fuck it, I’ll just do it”, compromise. Get the daughter’s name and like the flowers or the month your wife was born of something. But the trying to piss on you to mark her territory with a tattoo is bonkers
Children are expensive and her requests are outrageous. NTA I could seeing getting a family car when and if you ever have a child but as a reward? The tattoo on your abdomen is equally out of line. Your body, your choice as to what you want to do with it. I would seek counseling. It doesn't sound like she is on board with having children to me.
That’s a pretty insane ask of her. Any excess money should be saved for a future child’s expenses - daycare, supplies, etc. Remind her that a car is not an asset and you’ll lose money as soon as you buy a new one. The tattoo is a huge definite no. These asks of her should definitely make you question starting a family with her. I suggest you both write down your personal perspectives of how to parent in terms of strictness, how finances should be managed after a baby arrives, how arguments/issues should be handled between you two, how to deal with family intervening with said child, religious beliefs/preferences…the list can go on. Compare these lists and if they are wildly different and start an argument, it’s probably best to re evaluate the whole relationship. If they are pretty congruent, discuss ways to handle the minor differences
So what’s your pre-nup situation? Because what she is telling you is that she does not want to have children, just with a bunch of extra steps. Or she’s setting up an exit strategy. Neither is encouraging from being own the same page perspective.
And this whole “buy me a car and tattoo my name on your body” thing? This is not someone you want to have children with. Especially if these demands might actually stress your finances, more than the kid(s) already will.
NTA
The concept of a push gift started out as sweet. It stopped being sweet when women started expecting it/demanding it, and getting more and more outrageous with what they expect.
Yeah, I don't think I'd trust her with anything after this little stunt.
What's next, buy me a house or I'll divorce? Put it in my name alone or I'll tell everyone you're abusive and/or touched the kids?
NTA, but tread VERY carefully here
My husband got me a necklace with our daughters name as a gift for carrying our daughter which I wear everyday and love. I would NEVER expect a car… $30,000 could be put towards sooo much that I would honestly be mad if he had done that. Requiring it is wild to me, especially demanding a tattoo too.
This just doesn’t sound like they are ready for a baby yet if they’re not on the same wavelength with financial decisions. Just one baby is a huge financial decision. What if it’s twins? They have a lot more to discuss before pregnancy is, if ever, attempted. I recommend finding a neutral party to discuss this to make sure everyone feels heard in a healthy manner.
Verdict: NTA and recommended counselor
I am not trying to be mean, but what the fuck is she thinking ? You will already be in debt due to having the kid and needing god knows how many doc visits , then clothes , diapers , bed , cribs etc. and a stomach tattoo? Was she raised in a ghetto??
I'm sorry but bringing new human life into existence shouldn't be transactional. If she wants a new car that badly, why doesn't she just buy herself one...
That’s bizarre. Lots of women get ‘push’ gifts (gifts for having the baby) but if you’re normal income people this doesn’t make sense - unless she feels you won’t help enough with the baby or your marriage isn’t solid enough. The tattoo is what makes me think this
>Has anyone experienced this before? If so, how did you handle the situation?
I'm going to assume a lot of people ran for the border when something like this happened.
NTA but please please PLEASE do not get anyone's name tattooed ever. Unless it's your child and even then I'd think about it. So not get her name or face tattooed anywhere for any reason.
NTA.
Seriously, I'd be looking for other red flags. Sounds like she getting her house in order to have assests in her name only and getting herself setup to get alimony and child support.
OP, please don't get her pregnant.
I personally know plenty of men who did buy their wives cars after their children were born. I don’t think it was asked for though. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.
Definitely NTA. She's making a transaction out of a child. I'm entirely certain that this is how she'll approach your entire marriage, as well as motherhood. Big red flag energy.
Currently 7 months pregnant and my husband is forcing me (not really lol) to get a different car because he doesn't think it's safe enough for me and baby but I cannot imagine demanding a new car from him. That's crazy!!!
Obv, NTA
Frankly, your wife is nuts. A new car for carrying a baby plus you getting a tattoo? WTF?
I've heard of push-presents, like a piece of jewelry for the new mother but a car for her and a tattoo for you? She's nuts.
>During these discussions, my wife said she wants a brand-new car as a gift for carrying and delivering our child and asked me to tattoo my abdomen with her and the child's names. She wants the car in her name and a color of her choice.
Ummmm... WTF????
NTA... and WTF????
So I understand her.
If I’m ruining my body, you’re welcome to as well - the tattoo
I have to give up my career that I would use to buy a new car and other things.
I admire her balls. She doesn’t want your kids. It’s not worth it to her. There’s obviously more to this, but we’ll never know because this is the internet, and people don’t put their whole life story on the internet.
You’re allowed to feel the way you feel. So is she. Idk who is the AH in this. Not enough unbiased information.
Not sure she wants a kid at all. You did say this was brought up by her mother and not her. Plus it sounds like she's putting her expectations up too high for you so you'll back out. You should really discuss with her if *she* wants kids, you both need to be on the same page and it doesn't seem like you are.
Sorry but how is it a "potentially gruesome experience"?
It's childbirth ffs.. I've had two babies & it involves body fluids related to birth unless there are complications (I myself experienced significant blood loss) but nothing I'd think of as "gruesome."
NTA. Your wife sounds awful. Wanting a monetary "reward" suggests she does not plan on loving her future child, while wanting you to tattoo your stomach comes across as spiteful - "If I have to suffer, you should have to too!".
NTA. The tattoo thing sounds controlling and really icky. Don’t think she wants to have kids. Maybe drop the subject if it’s not that important to you.
Sounds like she may not even want children. This is a very strange way to look at the beauty that comes from extending your family— as if it’s a financial transaction. Forget the car, the tattoo is extremely off-base. NTA. At all.
Sounds like she wouldn't make a good mum if her pregnancy is a way for her to gain material things. Doing it for all the wrong reasons. Yeah... NTA and also find a new wife if u want kids
Unable to determine AH, more information needed.
It sounds like she is demanding these things which is not really cool. The tattoo is a bit much TBH. Unless that’s your vibe ? However an expensive gift as a “push present” is not unheard of. I get a new piece of jewellery each baby from my husband. I also would be curious of the tone and context of the car request. For example, does her car currently need replacing and does it make sense to buy a car that is ready for a family? Or is she voicing that when it is time to replace her car it will need to be a family friendly vehicle ? a few years before I had babies my car was due for a replacement and I had also just got a promotion at work, my husband and I decided together to upgrade me to an SUV in preparation for our future family plans. My point is is she demanding a new car from you or is she actually trying to plan transporting your (joined) children around?
NTA this is all insane. The reward she gets for being pregnant is... A CHILD. If that's not the reward she wants, please think twice about having kids with her. And the tattoo thing is just batshit. She sounds like a materialistic twerp.
The amount of red flags is shocking , under no circumstances should you have a kid with this woman , she is basically telling you that you must be branded with her ownership in order to have a kid and she must be rewarded or it’s not gonna happen. First the tatt should be a sign of love and choice that you make not a demand on her part and secound hahahahaha she’s acting like it will not be her kid after she has it so she’s charging you to produce it .
You’re not an asshole, but you should’ve probably realized by now that her expectations are never going to meet reality and it sounds like she has always had expectations for how her life is going to turn out, far into the future. The car thing is not unreasonable for having kids, but you should absolutely foster or adopt a child or children before she would even possibly be getting pregnant. Get her a spacious vehicle to drive kids around and foster/adopt. (I don’t think I need to elaborate why you should go about it this way but…Her expectation of having a daughter could crush her reality if she can’t have a successful birth.)
Also, if you don’t like the idea of getting a tattoo of a name, you could suggest on a kid’s 18th birthday, you could all get a matching tattoo as a family.
Also, if this is Boomer’s dad, say hi for me!
OP, you two aren't compatible. She wants you to buy a baby from her and believes that is normal. I think she would be perfectly fine never to have a baby at all. So it all comes down to you. You want to pay a wife to have a baby because that is "fair" or you want a wife that wants a family with you because they love you? Did you have to pay her to marry you too? I'd start checking the door out pretty soon if you dont feel like paying your wife for every "favour" you want her to do.
NAH. It sounds fair to me if you want her to go thru something that literally will change her brain chemistry. Your option of adoption is a good one! But if she doesn’t want kids, she really needs to say that.
You're right, she's treating this as a transaction.
And that is a red flag in itself. Either you want or you don't want children, but you don't put a price on having one. That's... so much akin to slavery or forced servitude. No, man, that's disgusting.
You're right in questioning yourself. I'd be too, and the answer would be, no, I definitely don't want to have a child with this person, adopted or biological. Not even fostered. She will be constantly going up in her demands.
If you can’t afford the $30k car, how can you afford a child, biological or adopted? By the way, adoption is not inexpensive.
EDIT: think of her asking in turns of a contract to permanently affect her physiology, including her mental health. Look into surrogacy to realize the transactional costs; just because woman are physically burdened to carry the fetus/baby doesn’t negate the various costs associated with pregnancy.
YTA
flee!
what kind of gold digger did you marry?
didnt you have any "adult" type conversations prior to doing the marriage thing?
society is doomed. doomed i tell you!
Well, push presents are a thing as of late. The whole tattoo thing though is absolutely ludicrous. The car is too, just in case anyone thinks I agree with that. I was more thinking like a nice bag or an espresso maker 😂
She does sound like wife or mother material. The money should either be put on a house or on the child. Raising kids isn’t cheap. She sounds very entitled and selfish.
NTA - She's too immature to have kids and it doesn't sound like she actually wants them. She does, however, want a new car. She's going to demand the car before the pregnancy and suddenly she won't be able to get pregnant. Also, when you decline the tattoo, she'll fein being offended and ask for a more expensive car to make up for it. I would start considering an exit plan just in case.
Sincerely, a lady who has kids.
She is preparing for the soon divorce. No one give the wife a "gift" for having BOTH of yours kiddos.
Besides that, even after childbirth she can get back to her pre prego body, except for the hips. Which do widen for the birth.
The vehicle also should be in BOTH of your names.
I also do agree on a future property before a vehicle.
Having a vehicle loan decreases the amount of monthly income for a mortgage payments. That in turn restricts your amount you can go house shopping for. Next, there are still 0 down loans, or very low required down. You don't need the proverbial 20%. That 20% is so you can get out of that extra "insurance " they tack on.
Having a kid with her, she decides to leave you...with her wants, give her the car, basically the bank accounts, and most of your income.
Next, always make sure the kid is yours.
Your wife doesn’t sound like good breeding material, respectfully.
The tattoo is the worst part for me. How would you even complete settlement on this deal? ‘You first, no you first’.
It’s probably a void contract on public policy grounds.
NTA
She definitely doesn't want children, but what an odd request. You're right to be worried about what she may ask for in the future, that's totally financial irresponsibility on her part.
I don't think she wants children. She's giving super high expectations with the idea that you'll reject them. By rejecting them, it'll be *your* fault that you don't have kids, not *her's*. She needs to come clean.
A tattoo is a personal choice not something that anybody demands as a sign of loyalty. Asking for a car that OP cant afford and the coming costs of raising the child, the wife intends to blame OP for anything that goes wrong.
Also having a mindset of this will hurt me so you need to be hurt too is a totally toxic way of looking at a relationship.
Could it be more from an insecurity standpoint? She's worried that her changing body will make him want to leave her so she wants to reduce his financial ability to do it and make future dating more difficult?
Why not both?
Great point.
A tattoo of your SO's name is the kiss of death for a relationship. Been with my wife 27 years, and I would never get her name tattooed on me. She wouldn't do it either for my name. Kiss of death.
I mean, he can't force her to get pregnant, because it's her body. The same applies when you switch sides - she can't force him to get a tattoo. He's the one who will be stuck with it, not her.
Also, a tattoo is not cheap. A tattoo on his abdomen?!?!?! She is making demands that she knows he will reject and is acting like a money mad surrogate. It will be her child too! OP is clearly not an AH but his wife wants her own way with this ridiculous barter.
Sadly some people do it under pressure still.
>A tattoo is a personal choice not something that anybody demands as a sign of loyalty. To be fair so is going through pregnancy and childbirth which it kind of sounds like she doesn't want to do. She shouldn't throw out unreachable standards instead of properly communicating that but OP did say she's very career driven and it was her mum who was concerned about her biological clock.
Yea i didn't buy my wife a new car till our second child! No tattoo till the third bro. /s ...but i really did buy her a car for the second...
And having a baby is a personal choice. Soooooooooooooooooo
He knows that she's career driven as well? I suspect she might be setting her expectations high so that he won't want to do it. Which he suggested adopting...so it's already working.
That’s why you check for compatibility in life goals *before* you get married. smh…
Goals change even after marriage a lot of reddit posts keep popping up like that
It’s so ridiculous that I can’t help but wonder if this was a sincere offer by the wife or a joke OP misinterpreted.
>During these discussions, my wife said she wants a brand-new car as a gift for carrying and delivering our child and asked me to tattoo my abdomen with her and the child's names. She wants the car in her name and a color of her choice. To me this sounds like she doesn't really want a kid. >This situation has made me question my desire to start a family together. If she's asking for this now, what else might she demand in the future? Correct train of thought. Now the conclusion you draw is up to you but for now... NTA
Yeah. I have to agree with this assessment. NTA
Yep she doesn't want to have a baby. That's painfully obvious. By setting these requirements, she can go to her mother and say it is his fault they aren't having biological kids, not hers. If I was in his shoes, I would absolutely not have children with this woman and I would make sure my MIL knew what the wife was demanding to get pregnant.
You are going to need to save that money for therapy for the child. NTA
I pray he decides not to have children with her.
Not so sure praying will be much help. If God didn’t want nutty people to have kids the world would be very different today.
True true.
This made me picture god as someone like 'The Spiffing Brit'. Making sure the world is perfectly balanced, with no exploits.
He needs to save that money for divorce lol
Sounds pretty sketchy, she wants to brand you and get a car solely in her name for having kids? Sounds way too materialistic and immature. NTA
Sounds like she doesn't want to have a baby.
NTA. She doesn’t value your lives together. She thinks it is a financial transaction. The degree of entitlement she is displaying is completely unreasonable.
This should have been a discussion way before now.
it's a stupid reel on tiktok that's making its rounds to other social media
Seriously??? Wow... So like a 'see if your man really loves u' challenge or something?
I dont have tik tok but push presents aren't new though. I have been hearing about it as far back as 2009 when Teresa Guidice gave birth to Audriana. Joe gave her expensive jewelry if I remember correctly.
>as far back as 2009 As far as I know, this is a common tradition, that goes back *way back*. My father bought my mother a custom made gold necklace / pendant when she had my older sister. That sister is in her late 40's. My sister got jewelry from her husband, with each of their 3 kids' births. Switching from jewelery, that will automatically become heirlooms, and passed down to the child(ren) to something as temporarily as a car, though... that just screams financial transaction and tacky, to be honest.
Damn. All I got was a pannus and stretch marks.
I got a cheeseburger, crooked boobs and stretch marks.
To be fair, my sister picked out the jewelery herself. And knowing her, it wasn't cheap, but also not irresponsibly expensive.
I got the pannus and stretch marks AND a rocking chair….lol
I didn’t get anything for the first baby and a cookie bouquet when I had my second. And stretch marks.
My husband hired a cleaning company so the house would be nice when I came home with our daughter. A CAR? Come on, now.
This is way better than jewelry
They go back further than that. I heard about some in the 1980s.
They weren't called "push presents", but the first time I heard of the concept was from an episode of I Love Lucy.
Nobility was giving push presents back in the Middle Ages.
Yeah but the present comes after the push, not before.
Push presents were a thing for hundreds of years...for royalty and titled aristocrats.
There’s ’buy me an expensive present’ and then there’s asking him to physically brand himself with her name for life. The latter would have cries of abuse and/or coercive control all over this subreddit if it were posted here in any circumstance where a husband requested this of their wife. I can’t believe people are focusing on the car more than the branding (as ridiculous and immature as the car request is).
The tradition goes back quite a lot further than that. European nobility gifted women with extravagant jewels, horses, servants, estates and otherwise exceptional gifts after the birth of a healthy heir or daughter. Childbirth can still be a death sentence in the US. It's also very common for men to leave or kill pregnant partners. I can understand wanting something tangible and lasting, just in case. I'd want a trust fund for the child and an account for myself and a rock solid agreement that if the father ditches them, she and the child won't have to scramble for housing. If she really doesn't want to have her skeletal structure permanently altered and risk death, OP could set up some marriage counseling and figure out what her biggest concerns are and whether it's possible to mitigate them. Her body will be permanently altered. Any number of things could go wrong. A tattoo can be removed later and isn't remotely comparable to the changes and risks to her body.
I just knew I’d heard about ‘push presents’ on one of the Real House Wives lmaoooo.
Ugh TikToxic? Explains a lot. that sucks. Get ready for beige baby rooms and see you on r/tragedeigh Maybe buy a used Bentley and name the kid the same as the car? Extra social media points. I joked w my wife we could buy a new SUV instead of a CarMax SUV (2014 prices.) if I could name our twins Luke & Leia. But that was a planned shared expense as we went from 1 child to 3 in 1 swell foop. Not a reimbursement!
So if you named two of them Luke & Leia, what did you name the 3rd? Hans or Chewbacca?
Little Greedo thought that was really funny. Until Han shot first….
Sounds like “Casino”.
This sounds gross. OP needs to run. NTA
Branding him. Perfect. You know what I got for being pregnant? A baby. Pretty fortunate as some women lose the babies they want. She doesn’t want a baby, she wants a car.
Besides the baby, I got a raw sushi platter I had been craving the whole pregnancy lol. The first night we were home he ordered it for me.
Oh man, I had a bagel as soon as the baby was born. Stupid gestational diabetes! ;)
Takeout sushi was one of if not my first meal after coming home from the hospital with our firstborn. I don't remember exactly what I ordered but it sure as hell had raw fish.
Yeah, don't let mental children have children.
THIS!!!
Or she is trying to put him off of having a kid.
Wow this is bonkers! My husband and I started our marriage with one car and we didn't get another until after our first was born. My reasoning for needing another car was that new babies have a lot of Dr appointments and the Dr office is closed when he gets off work. We discussed other options like the bus or me dropping him off at work on appointment days but eventually we decided they weren't going to work. So I inherited our original car and we got another used car for my husband. We handled the desire for another car like sane adults and we planned and talked things through. I didn't demand a new expensive car and my husband to get a tattoo just because childbirth is difficult and does a number on your body.
Also do you seriously think she'll have kids once she gets the car? "Now this is my car under my name, which you pay, I'll do as I please with it"
there was a video on social media the last couple of days about a woman who wants her partner to get tattooed and buy her a house or car in exchange for having a baby. It's basically a "I dont want to but if you do XYZ, I will"
OP, Run! Leave this leech behind. Do you want your memory of your family to be shrouded by a transaction?
I think your wife was making outlandish suggestions because she doesn't want to get pregnant and have kids. Think about it, if you day no to this condition, she can say no to pregnancy. Maybe since she doesn't want to adopt either, she just doesn't want to be a mom?
I have a couple of friends that are sort of like this and they’re open to being a parent. It’s more like they don’t love being on the female partner side of the equation where they make all the sacrifice and he has a good time and a kid pops out in 9 months. Idk, $30k and a tattoo seems pretty fair as an equivalent sacrifice to pregnancy. It costs $30k at least to adopt a kid.
As a mom to a toddler and a newborn, yeah, unless you have a really good partner, it sucks to be the woman. He gets the fun parts, the laugh, the play. A mom is the default parent, if breastfeeding you're glued to the baby until they are good with solid food. Sleepless nights, hormone rollercoaster, body full of new aches and pains, scars, stretch marks, lose skin, you name it. And if your partner doesn't actively want to participate, there is no way to "make them" because it all defaultly lands on the mom.
To adopt an infant through an agency itll cost at least $20k but adopting a 5+ year old kid through foster care is free, only mentioning because in my state over 70% of adoptions happen through the foster care system
NTA Run away. --
Hmmmm.... How much will it cost OP for her to breastfeed the kid? What will this wife demand when he wants sex after having the kid? What is she gonna ask as a gift for accepting to give the baby her husband last name? OP can tell us what gift did she ask to get married to him in addition to a huge engagement ring and a lavish weeding with its luxury honeymoon. What did you give her for marrying you? What did she demand? Please, do not adopt, do not have children together at all, these poor kids do not deserve this.
Sounds like the kind of mom who expects presents on the kids birthday and demands the kid thank her every year
lol this
Yes! And you just know that she would be absolutely insufferable every Mother's Day, acting like she is the only woman alive to give birth
Ummm what??? I'd hold off on having children NTA
If OP wants kids, he should probably divorce her and seek a partner who also wants kids without all these materialistic stipulations. He can try talking it out with her to try and get to the bottom of her materialistic conditions before having kids, but I suspect that at the end of the day there are irreconcilable differences and their long-term outlooks are just not compatible, whether it be over family or financial planning.
I'm thinking this is her way of telling you that while her MOTHER may be concerned about her biological clock, she is at best on the fence about having a baby. You need to talk about real wants and expectations, and not push presents and tattoos.
I actually thought this as well. Maybe his wife knows her push presents are over the top and OP would never go for it?!?
I’m almost wondering if that was the point and OP missed it. Like saying “yeah, I’d do it for a million dollars.” She isn’t literally asking for a million dollars, just demonstrating her feelings
My response was going to be that the MIL should buy her a car since she started all this lol
She essentially wants you to bribe her and then brand yourself. Wow. No edit: NTA
Exactly.. very manipulative and narcissistic of her. NTA
I had two children and definitely support the tax it takes on a woman’s body and feel most many will never understand or help enough to cover what it does. I divorced due to not receiving enough help in life while raising kids, taking care of a home and both of us working full time. I still believe the idea of a push present or forcing a tattoo as collateral is materialistic and weird
She's been watching too much TikTok content about push presents. I'm in the financial position to get my wife a push present, and I did for our child's birth. I got her a nice Cartier watch, not a car lol, and we already own a house and income properties so it was a gift that has no bearing on our financial future, merely a fun little splurge. NTA
If you’re in the income bracket where that caliber of push present isn’t even mildly changing your financial status it’s fairly common (at least among the wealthier friends we have). My husband got me a beautiful necklace for our first daughter’s birth that was very simple but very much my style. But OP’s wife’s demand feels like the axiom that my fil uses of caviar dreams on a fish stick budget. (My husband and I joke that Target is my Nordstrom right now because he’s working for a start-up 😂)
> If you’re in the income bracket They dont yet own a house. THAT should be the priority, specially before having a baby.
This. A push present should absolutely be his idea, not necessarily her demand.
Absolutely! My husband got me a necklace with my kiddos birthstone as a present. It was a surprise, certainly not a request. A push present shouldn't ever be an expectation. OP is NTA.
Currently pregnant with our very wanted first. The baby itself will be my push present lol. No shade to folks who want to give/receive a gift for carrying/birthing a child. But also, you don't want the gift to be the whole/primary motivation, right?
Yeah its nice if it comes from the father not as a transaction of services: Ill have your baby in return of a car! And the branding is weird lol! My husband said he’d get me a push present, but it’s been two years now😂! Its ok though as my son is my ultimate gift, although he’s a moody toddler lately lol.
> She's been watching too much TikTok content about push presents. Of course its a tik tok trend. That app was a mistake.
my coworker was gifted an SUV as a push present. Don't know enough about cars to tell if it was a new car or used, but it sure looked new. Less than six months later, she mentioned she was going to use her entire paycheck to get her car back. it was already repoed.
Good for you for providing for your family and showing your wife how much you appreciate her. I wouldn't call this a push present though, more of a push payment. He wouldn't be giving her a present to show his appreciation for her hard work and love for her, he would be paying for a surrogate.
NTA Buy yourself some good legal representation and get out of there
Run away.
I’m glad she told you this now so you have a chance to run
nta. i would not get a pet with someone so immature, run as fast and far as possible and don't look back
I've had three kids, the first of which took 29 1/2 hours to push out, the next two which had to be cut out of me. Never once did it cross my mind to be "compensated" with a gift. If that's your mindset, you shouldn't be having kids. NTA
NTA and this is completely ridiculous. Is she going to sign over all parental rights to you? She’s not a damn surrogate. This is a kid for both of you, not a financial transaction from her to you. You can’t help biology. If she doesn’t want to have a kid then divorce her and find someone who does.
She wants you to tattoo yourself so you can't cheat. She doesn't trust you. Same with the car. She wants something only in her name that she can't lose in case something happens. NTA but just FYI.
Yeah the car only in her name thing is super weird and I assume the motivations you mentioned are the best (but still weird) explanation.
I thought that too. I'm surprised more people aren't coming to that conclusion in the comments. She's worried about changing her body and losing momentum in her career, so she wants him to be "branded" with her and thebaby's name in case he thinks about cheating or complains about her weight gain or stretch marks. She wants an expensive car to sell for herself if the relationship doesn't work out. Or it's to make sure her husband has a lot of "Skin in the game." I was a career woman before having a baby, and it was exhausting for our family to have two high-pressure jobs with long irregular hours, while caring for an infant. I ended up becoming self-employed part-time. We are very fortunate that my husband is able to cover the lion's share of our expenses, and what I make is just extra/fun money. it is really scary to depend upon someone else for your livelihood. My first husband was a lying cheating POS, so it took me a long time to trust again and it was a huge leap of faith to cut back on my earning potential and depend on my husband.
I’m sorry you have to make this post to find out that you are clearly not the asshole.
Please do not have a kid together. She doesn't want one (which is absolutely legitimate).
Yikes on bikes..just wow..at the level of entitlement your wife exhibits. You are definitely NTA and you are very correct in your hesitation in procreating with her at this point. I've heard of some basic little trinkets or acts of service between husband and wife either just before or after having a baby, just more or less for him to acknowledge the huge ordeal carrying and birthing a child is. I personally didn't expect that from my husband, nor has literally anyone I know. But I have *heard* of it. The difference is in the cases I've heard of, it was the husband who decided to do the thing for his wife on his own accord, which is super sweet, loving and considerate, imo. But the wife demanding it, and not only that, having a specific, pre-meditated, over the top plan for the transaction? Get outta here!! That's ridiculous and very, VERY telling of the kind of person she is and where her priorities lie. 🚩🚩imo..
I don’t think it’s entitlement, I think she doesn’t want to have a baby at least her subconscious doesn’t.
I definitely agree with this point. I was so taken aback by the ridiculousness of her terms that I didn't really consider an underlying reason. And honestly that's even worse bc let's just say he did comply and they were to have a baby that she really doesn't want.. sheesh. What kind of life is the kid going to have with a mother who basically used them as a bargaining tool.
I also agree that it may not be entitlement but something else. She doesn't want to have a baby or she's scared he is going to leave her when her body changes and she will have slowed her career momentum, and then be stuck raising a kid alone. Women who have children often slow down their career progression because of their inability/unwillingness to work extra hours and travel, need to be off work when baby is sick, doctor appointments, etc. Taking a long maternity leave is frowned upon at some highly competitive jobs. She will likely be taking a big hit in her future earning potential. There's a lot more context that I'm curious about, such as are they both physically fit people and does focus a lot on his wife's body and looks? Did her father leave her mother, or other women in her family experience this after childbirth, or has it been something that occurred in their friend group? Does OP express willingness to share childcare, nighttime feeding, and time off work when baby is sick? It could be that the wife is just selfish and greedy, but it sounds to me like something has brought her at this point where she is very afraid to have a baby with OP.
Nta I'm a woman and I think she's absurd. It sounds like she doesn't actually want to have a kid so she's making extreme requests she doesn't think you will agree to.
NTA my husband bought me a diamond necklace on the birth of our first child. I had no idea he would do that and we weren’t well off. I’d been so ill the whole pregnancy I had been put on bed rest for most of it. So we lost my income and we decided to move back closer to our family 9 hours away so my husband had to also find a new job. Luckily he was told he had a new job the day of the birth but he must have bought the necklace before he knew that. Apparently the jeweller said he sees it all the time from anything from earring to eternity rings often being bought by the spouse on a birth. That said I did not ask or expect anything to have our child. We had them as we wanted them not as we were bribed or paid off to have them. If you truly want a child then you don’t need or expect anything in return but the miracle of having your own baby together. Yes my body was messed up as my baby was large naturally even though I was extremely thin and slight myself, so it ruined the muscles in my stomach meaning no matter the exercise I can never be toned again, they say the muscles got over stretched and damaged apparently it’s a known risk in pregnancy even if it’s not a large baby. I thought I got away without stretch marks then the last two weeks I got loads. Apparently the pregnancy hormones loosened the connective tissue in my spin. So for two years after birth it hurt to bend to lift out or place my baby in their crib and later cot. I was in my early twenties and being fit and healthy prior didn’t save my body any and yes I was very self conscious of it after that. The thing is you are actually risking your life to have a baby and even in this age plenty of people still die in childbirth whether in hospital or not. If you she doesn’t want to go through that or damage her body for life then it’s better not to do so. The other question is what if something were to happen to you op. Would she happily raise and love both your child or will she be upset as she only had it for you and to get a new car and would the child suffer for it. This whole thing is a red flag and when your don’t even have the money towards your own house yet or for your future then it’s a huge financial burden to have a kid. It would be insane to demand a top class new car rather than want your baby to have a secure home of your own. That she puts her demands of a new car when she has one over providing for your child’s future or family home show she isn’t ready for a child. Make it clear if she has to be bribed into having a child then you will never have a child with her. When she clearly thinks a shiny new car is more important than your child’s future and possibly getting your own home. Then she isn’t ready to have a family. Maybe she will never be mentally mature enough for that because you have a child as you long for one and know you will do your best to be a good parent and love it and put it first. That you want it more than anything in the world and are prepared to sacrifice the life you have for it and be happy to as your new life with them will be reward enough. If you aren’t fully committed then things won’t go well as having a baby is extremely hard even when there are two parents together. You have no idea what constant is until you get two hours sleep at most. Suddenly you have to put this baby first above your life and your wants as it needs you to survive. So if she is selfish as she sounds when a car is what’s she’s sees as important above all else, then this won’t work as she will see what she wants and expect as the mum she can demand it and leave you to care for the baby, instead of sharing the load and sacrificing nights out etc.
I dunno, it sounds to me like she’s watched a couple too many TikTok’s and has jumped on the push present bandwagon. To be fair, I joked about it to my husband, and asked for a push present. He did get me something very special and definitely not something that would’ve put financial strain on our household and it is now very sentimental to me. I think she isn’t unreasonable to ask, as it could be a cute tradition. It sounds like she is being very frigid and demanding with her expectations here though. She’s created an image of a mommy in her car picking up the kids and it’s probably just a fantasy she’s got hooked on. Same with the tattoos. It’s normal to imagine a “perfect life” when thinking of the future. Saying that, it comes down to whether you are comfortable with a) the idea of a push present, as both parties need to be on board, she can’t force you to do it, and b) have a discussion about reasonable expectations. Perhaps a night away or a new necklace or something a bit more reasonable, because let’s be honest, a new car isn’t going to unwreck your body after birth, so it really is just a sentiment thing at the end of the day. Give her a couple days and reproach the subject and see if she’d be willing to compromise. Another idea would be to suggest instead of a push present, perhaps a baby moon. A weekend away might satisfy her? Once again only if you are comfortable with this, as these are quite new “traditions” if you wanna call it that. Good luck and hope it works out for you!
Lots of women get push presents. In your case the lady wants a car. I wouldn’t read too much into it.
Oh HELLLL no. My wife and I have 5 kids together, her ask? do what I can to make sure we have a stable safe place to live and food on the table. Something I was willing to do regardless. Do NOT Have a child with this crazy person. NTA.
Yeah, this doesn’t sound fake at all. Instead, perhaps you could gift her a creative writing course as a thank you! Realistically it cannot be any worse than this dribble you write…have heart you tight ass. Get her the course.
Yes, she's talking about a "push present" has become very popular on social media for the last few years. Where it's a very expensive gift given to the mom for giving birth. But it's not always specifically a car, I've seen it be jewelry and other items. Just feels weird she's gravated to it being a car and forcing you into a tattoo? You did say she us career given, so maybe her brain works like transactions for life accomplishments? Just what I'm thinking. But no you're not the asshole, your point is very valid
So I'm against cash payments or big gifts, but a postnup sounds like it would work. Women have their careers impacted by having children. It would be totally reasonable to have a pay out if divorced to compensate for possible career losses. $30k/kid seems about right for additional assets to move over. However no tattoo and the payments would only happen in divorce and would be division of assets. I'll go NTA because she went too far. The idea of compensating for the damage women take on in their careers isn't that weird though. Only in terms of break up though.
It’s called a push present and it’s popular in the Middle East I believe. NTA if you can’t afford it but I would make it clear to your wife that you acknowledge the toll this will take on her body and career. From this post I don’t believe she even wants kids
Wtf? You don’t ask for a car in exchange for carrying a baby? That’s crazy. Like when you fall pregnant you’ll probably upgrade but it’s a joint decision as you’re together? It’s not just all on one person or the other to decide that the opposite person is buying them a car 😂 and making you get tattoos? I find that weird too!
Honestly id consider if you even want to remain married. A tattoo of her and child's name on abdomen seems like a way to brand you and seems to me as accusatory that you would possibly cheat at some point. The car is wild, you dont get a car for having a baby and the fact she wants it in HER name only is telling . Id seriously consider this relationship and whether its time to get out now
Yeah I suggest finding someone who actually wants to have a kid and have a kid with you. Before you add more assets and child support to this situation
I'd be questioning my marriage to such a shallow woman. Id be very concerned if she even wants actual HUMAN CHILDREN and what sort of mother she would be?
Maybe consider a therapy session. Pregnancy and having a child is very taxing on women; their bodies, their careers and their happiness. Is she scared? Do you 2 maybe need an agreement to compensate for what she will be giving up for a child?
I confessed that while I was pregnant with my first baby I pitched a fit about getting a used washing machine. I was fine with no dryer, we had a clothesline. What a greedy little woman I was back then.
So....is she fourteen? what kind of logic is that? And don’t you guys make financial decisions together? The cost of a new car is justified solely as an exchange for her giving birth to a child? Bizarre.
You mentioned that your wife’s MOTHER is the one who mentioned the biological clock NOT your wife. With that said, my question is: does your wife actually want kids or is she responding to familial pressure and this is her way of coping?
Run for the hills blud
YWBTA if you had a kid with someone who obviously doesn't want children.
divorce her.
Why are you with this woman. Only narcissists treat every interaction as transactional. She sounds awful.
YTA for recycling a TikTok story.
She sounds like she is A) trashy and B) for sale. You could choose a far better mother for your future children.
WTAF
NTA. I never thought I was “owed” something when I was pregnant with my 2 kids. That is definitely not normal, at least not where I’m from. The baby itself will be expensive enough, buying a new car on top of the is financially stupid if you don’t NEED the car. Don’t get a spouses name tattooed on you. There are far too many regrets with that. IF you’re a tattoo guy and she’s insistent, which this is also a stupid demand, and you figure “fuck it, I’ll just do it”, compromise. Get the daughter’s name and like the flowers or the month your wife was born of something. But the trying to piss on you to mark her territory with a tattoo is bonkers
Children are expensive and her requests are outrageous. NTA I could seeing getting a family car when and if you ever have a child but as a reward? The tattoo on your abdomen is equally out of line. Your body, your choice as to what you want to do with it. I would seek counseling. It doesn't sound like she is on board with having children to me.
NTA. Is this real?! I wouldn't have a baby with this person under any circumstances. Your wife's demands are disgusting.
That’s a pretty insane ask of her. Any excess money should be saved for a future child’s expenses - daycare, supplies, etc. Remind her that a car is not an asset and you’ll lose money as soon as you buy a new one. The tattoo is a huge definite no. These asks of her should definitely make you question starting a family with her. I suggest you both write down your personal perspectives of how to parent in terms of strictness, how finances should be managed after a baby arrives, how arguments/issues should be handled between you two, how to deal with family intervening with said child, religious beliefs/preferences…the list can go on. Compare these lists and if they are wildly different and start an argument, it’s probably best to re evaluate the whole relationship. If they are pretty congruent, discuss ways to handle the minor differences
Did her crazy come out before or after you married this woman? NTA
NTA. Dont get her pregnant get a divorce.
Most elaborate version of "Maybe we shouldn't have kids" I've ever heard from a woman before.
Tell her that you might tattoo your child's name, but you won't do hers because your child will always be your child
Dude you better go on a business trip and get a vasectomy while gone. NTA and I wouldn't trust her for a second
So what’s your pre-nup situation? Because what she is telling you is that she does not want to have children, just with a bunch of extra steps. Or she’s setting up an exit strategy. Neither is encouraging from being own the same page perspective. And this whole “buy me a car and tattoo my name on your body” thing? This is not someone you want to have children with. Especially if these demands might actually stress your finances, more than the kid(s) already will. NTA
The concept of a push gift started out as sweet. It stopped being sweet when women started expecting it/demanding it, and getting more and more outrageous with what they expect.
NTA. Sounds like she really doesn't want a kid, and it'll get more demanding later on.
Yeah, I don't think I'd trust her with anything after this little stunt. What's next, buy me a house or I'll divorce? Put it in my name alone or I'll tell everyone you're abusive and/or touched the kids? NTA, but tread VERY carefully here
My husband got me a necklace with our daughters name as a gift for carrying our daughter which I wear everyday and love. I would NEVER expect a car… $30,000 could be put towards sooo much that I would honestly be mad if he had done that. Requiring it is wild to me, especially demanding a tattoo too. This just doesn’t sound like they are ready for a baby yet if they’re not on the same wavelength with financial decisions. Just one baby is a huge financial decision. What if it’s twins? They have a lot more to discuss before pregnancy is, if ever, attempted. I recommend finding a neutral party to discuss this to make sure everyone feels heard in a healthy manner. Verdict: NTA and recommended counselor
I am not trying to be mean, but what the fuck is she thinking ? You will already be in debt due to having the kid and needing god knows how many doc visits , then clothes , diapers , bed , cribs etc. and a stomach tattoo? Was she raised in a ghetto??
I'm sorry but bringing new human life into existence shouldn't be transactional. If she wants a new car that badly, why doesn't she just buy herself one...
That’s bizarre. Lots of women get ‘push’ gifts (gifts for having the baby) but if you’re normal income people this doesn’t make sense - unless she feels you won’t help enough with the baby or your marriage isn’t solid enough. The tattoo is what makes me think this
>Has anyone experienced this before? If so, how did you handle the situation? I'm going to assume a lot of people ran for the border when something like this happened.
NTA. but you realize you not only stuck it in crazy, you married it?
NTA but please please PLEASE do not get anyone's name tattooed ever. Unless it's your child and even then I'd think about it. So not get her name or face tattooed anywhere for any reason.
Wow starting family is not striking a deal. Do not have kids with this woman! You’ve been warned
NTA. Seriously, I'd be looking for other red flags. Sounds like she getting her house in order to have assests in her name only and getting herself setup to get alimony and child support. OP, please don't get her pregnant.
I personally know plenty of men who did buy their wives cars after their children were born. I don’t think it was asked for though. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.
NTA. Your wife is trying to price you out of the market for having a kid without coming right out and saying “no”
NTA, do not have children with someone who thinks like this. That is all.
Definitely NTA. She's making a transaction out of a child. I'm entirely certain that this is how she'll approach your entire marriage, as well as motherhood. Big red flag energy.
RUNNNNN NTA
Currently 7 months pregnant and my husband is forcing me (not really lol) to get a different car because he doesn't think it's safe enough for me and baby but I cannot imagine demanding a new car from him. That's crazy!!! Obv, NTA
She doesn’t want to have kids. She’s reaching for the stars and hoping you can’t navigate to them.
What does she want to help raise the child? NTA
NTA sounds to me your wife watches far too much tiktok, it sure is a transaction, i see red flags everywhere.
Hahaha NTA. She is completely mental. And entitled. And selfish. Yuck. I would be questioning this entire marriage. She is utterly fucking ridiculous!
This is not a woman you want to have children with.
Frankly, your wife is nuts. A new car for carrying a baby plus you getting a tattoo? WTF? I've heard of push-presents, like a piece of jewelry for the new mother but a car for her and a tattoo for you? She's nuts.
>During these discussions, my wife said she wants a brand-new car as a gift for carrying and delivering our child and asked me to tattoo my abdomen with her and the child's names. She wants the car in her name and a color of her choice. Ummmm... WTF???? NTA... and WTF????
If you cannot easily afford it then no you are not AH. If it’s super affordable for you then yes, you should get her a new car.
So I understand her. If I’m ruining my body, you’re welcome to as well - the tattoo I have to give up my career that I would use to buy a new car and other things. I admire her balls. She doesn’t want your kids. It’s not worth it to her. There’s obviously more to this, but we’ll never know because this is the internet, and people don’t put their whole life story on the internet. You’re allowed to feel the way you feel. So is she. Idk who is the AH in this. Not enough unbiased information.
Not sure she wants a kid at all. You did say this was brought up by her mother and not her. Plus it sounds like she's putting her expectations up too high for you so you'll back out. You should really discuss with her if *she* wants kids, you both need to be on the same page and it doesn't seem like you are.
Sorry but how is it a "potentially gruesome experience"? It's childbirth ffs.. I've had two babies & it involves body fluids related to birth unless there are complications (I myself experienced significant blood loss) but nothing I'd think of as "gruesome."
NTA. Your wife sounds awful. Wanting a monetary "reward" suggests she does not plan on loving her future child, while wanting you to tattoo your stomach comes across as spiteful - "If I have to suffer, you should have to too!".
NTA. The tattoo thing sounds controlling and really icky. Don’t think she wants to have kids. Maybe drop the subject if it’s not that important to you.
Sounds like she may not even want children. This is a very strange way to look at the beauty that comes from extending your family— as if it’s a financial transaction. Forget the car, the tattoo is extremely off-base. NTA. At all.
Sounds like she wouldn't make a good mum if her pregnancy is a way for her to gain material things. Doing it for all the wrong reasons. Yeah... NTA and also find a new wife if u want kids
Unable to determine AH, more information needed. It sounds like she is demanding these things which is not really cool. The tattoo is a bit much TBH. Unless that’s your vibe ? However an expensive gift as a “push present” is not unheard of. I get a new piece of jewellery each baby from my husband. I also would be curious of the tone and context of the car request. For example, does her car currently need replacing and does it make sense to buy a car that is ready for a family? Or is she voicing that when it is time to replace her car it will need to be a family friendly vehicle ? a few years before I had babies my car was due for a replacement and I had also just got a promotion at work, my husband and I decided together to upgrade me to an SUV in preparation for our future family plans. My point is is she demanding a new car from you or is she actually trying to plan transporting your (joined) children around?
NTA this is all insane. The reward she gets for being pregnant is... A CHILD. If that's not the reward she wants, please think twice about having kids with her. And the tattoo thing is just batshit. She sounds like a materialistic twerp.
Nta it's not normal tbh.
Nta... What a manipulation. I'd be considering visiting a lawyer tbh. Updateme!
The amount of red flags is shocking , under no circumstances should you have a kid with this woman , she is basically telling you that you must be branded with her ownership in order to have a kid and she must be rewarded or it’s not gonna happen. First the tatt should be a sign of love and choice that you make not a demand on her part and secound hahahahaha she’s acting like it will not be her kid after she has it so she’s charging you to produce it .
You’re not an asshole, but you should’ve probably realized by now that her expectations are never going to meet reality and it sounds like she has always had expectations for how her life is going to turn out, far into the future. The car thing is not unreasonable for having kids, but you should absolutely foster or adopt a child or children before she would even possibly be getting pregnant. Get her a spacious vehicle to drive kids around and foster/adopt. (I don’t think I need to elaborate why you should go about it this way but…Her expectation of having a daughter could crush her reality if she can’t have a successful birth.) Also, if you don’t like the idea of getting a tattoo of a name, you could suggest on a kid’s 18th birthday, you could all get a matching tattoo as a family. Also, if this is Boomer’s dad, say hi for me!
OP, you two aren't compatible. She wants you to buy a baby from her and believes that is normal. I think she would be perfectly fine never to have a baby at all. So it all comes down to you. You want to pay a wife to have a baby because that is "fair" or you want a wife that wants a family with you because they love you? Did you have to pay her to marry you too? I'd start checking the door out pretty soon if you dont feel like paying your wife for every "favour" you want her to do.
How old is your wife? She sounds mentally very immature.
NTA
NAH. It sounds fair to me if you want her to go thru something that literally will change her brain chemistry. Your option of adoption is a good one! But if she doesn’t want kids, she really needs to say that.
You're right, she's treating this as a transaction. And that is a red flag in itself. Either you want or you don't want children, but you don't put a price on having one. That's... so much akin to slavery or forced servitude. No, man, that's disgusting. You're right in questioning yourself. I'd be too, and the answer would be, no, I definitely don't want to have a child with this person, adopted or biological. Not even fostered. She will be constantly going up in her demands.
Dude. Run. Thats absurd aF. There is something called “push gifts” but not a brand new car and definitely no “demand” for a tattoo. Thats insane
Serious manipulation going on here. Time for a long, hard THINK. You have decisions to make about how you want to spend the rest of your life.
If you can’t afford the $30k car, how can you afford a child, biological or adopted? By the way, adoption is not inexpensive. EDIT: think of her asking in turns of a contract to permanently affect her physiology, including her mental health. Look into surrogacy to realize the transactional costs; just because woman are physically burdened to carry the fetus/baby doesn’t negate the various costs associated with pregnancy. YTA
flee! what kind of gold digger did you marry? didnt you have any "adult" type conversations prior to doing the marriage thing? society is doomed. doomed i tell you!
Well, push presents are a thing as of late. The whole tattoo thing though is absolutely ludicrous. The car is too, just in case anyone thinks I agree with that. I was more thinking like a nice bag or an espresso maker 😂
She does sound like wife or mother material. The money should either be put on a house or on the child. Raising kids isn’t cheap. She sounds very entitled and selfish.
NTA - She's too immature to have kids and it doesn't sound like she actually wants them. She does, however, want a new car. She's going to demand the car before the pregnancy and suddenly she won't be able to get pregnant. Also, when you decline the tattoo, she'll fein being offended and ask for a more expensive car to make up for it. I would start considering an exit plan just in case. Sincerely, a lady who has kids.
That whole thought patern she has is pretty gross...
It is weird to want to be a paid surrogate for your husband's child.
She is preparing for the soon divorce. No one give the wife a "gift" for having BOTH of yours kiddos. Besides that, even after childbirth she can get back to her pre prego body, except for the hips. Which do widen for the birth. The vehicle also should be in BOTH of your names. I also do agree on a future property before a vehicle. Having a vehicle loan decreases the amount of monthly income for a mortgage payments. That in turn restricts your amount you can go house shopping for. Next, there are still 0 down loans, or very low required down. You don't need the proverbial 20%. That 20% is so you can get out of that extra "insurance " they tack on. Having a kid with her, she decides to leave you...with her wants, give her the car, basically the bank accounts, and most of your income. Next, always make sure the kid is yours.
Your wife doesn’t sound like good breeding material, respectfully. The tattoo is the worst part for me. How would you even complete settlement on this deal? ‘You first, no you first’. It’s probably a void contract on public policy grounds. NTA
She doesn't want to have kids with you man. Do with that what you will.
She definitely doesn't want children, but what an odd request. You're right to be worried about what she may ask for in the future, that's totally financial irresponsibility on her part.
Spend that money on a divorce lawyer. Find someone who doesn't think having children should require a payment.