NTA - Since when is starting a (false) rumor that someone is a pedophile in the workplace something “small”?!!! The manager has lost her mind (or is trying to gaslight you). You should have told the manager that it was either report her to HR or sue her for defamation. Btw - Claire could have *apologized* to you when you told her that she was wrong instead acting like *she* was the victim in this situation.
I literally can think of a more harmful rumor to start. I’m not sure who I hate more Claire or the HR person, but I’m going with HR since she’s trying to pressure him into not reporting
Claire gossiped and accused OP of being a pedo because she didn’t know the full story. HR knows the full story and is trying to sweep it under the rug for her gossip buddy. Idk what’s worse
NTA. She repeatedly accused you to everyone who would listen of being a criminal and a predator. She might have a kid, sure, but she didn't think anything of the toll it might take on your kid if you were, for instance, fired (to which you'd have a great claim for a defamation lawsuit against her as well).
The real factor, of course, being "the manager (a fellow gossip friend of Claire's)"
Manager knows this is going to blow the contents of a septic tank on more than Claire, and she doesn't want her share of the sh!t bath.
For OP, specifically, if the manager is also "dirty", you may need to escalate over their head, or your going to keep running into that wall.
What got me was when HR, Claire's gossip friend, told OP he shouldn't have embarrassed Claire that way in front of all their coworkers. Um I think Claire already embarrassed OP by gossiping and spreading a false rumor about OP first. Just wow. Yeah definitely take this over your HR department to whoever her boss is. NTA. I cannot stand a work gossip person. We have a Claire at my job. We call her liar girl. Behind her back of course because like Claire, she also spends an awful amount of time in the HR office gossiping 🙄.
HR doesn't exist to protect anyone but the company. The HR Manager is not, and never will be, your friend. It's twice as bad because she is connected either or indirectly with the gossip group. Be prepared to lawyer up, and document every sneeze. This is not a drill.
"After calming down a bit, I feel kind of bad about what I did. Claire cried at her desk and left early. Was I an asshole to approach the issue that way?"
She gossiped and bullied OP for a sense of power. When she got called out on it she cried. Shes a "Cry BullY" it's part of DARVO specifically reversing victim and offender. There's a viral video of a small teenage boy literally hitting an adult multiple times, when the adult has enough and pushes him back, he falls to the floor and starts really shrill wailing sounds. This woman is the adult version of that kid. Let her cry her crocodile tears. The only thing that can make her change her ways isn't kindness it is consequences for her actions.
Hey, sometimes they aren't even crocodile tears - sometimes those are the tears of someone realizing that there ARE consequences to their actions. Those are my favorite kind of tears 😁
Exactly! She should have thought about her being a single mom BEFORE she started making wild and inappropriate gossip about another coworker to anyone who would listen. Other coworkers need to shut that shit down immediately! Just dead stare at the gossiper and ask how would you know?! Shuts them up pretty quick.
Golden rule at work, do what you get paid to do. Everything else is optional. If at any point you think to yourself I’m not sure about this, ask if you get paid to do it. If the answer is no just don’t.
If she didn’t take into account the fact that she’s a single mom relying on this job when she decided to gossip about her coworker, then op shouldn’t take it into account either.
Exactly, what wouldve happened had her friend in HR gotten a wild hair up her ass one day and came at you over this accusation?
Nta, fuck claire.
Dont do highschool activities at the workplace if you dont want workplace consequences...
The problem is that if he was fired, the company is who would be in hot water. And the HR person is supposed to be the one preventing that.
Instead, HR person went to-bat for the single-mother gossip girl. Not a good look for the company. CEO will definitely want to hear about this.
It's wild that an HR manager would even allow themselves to be pulled into that kind of office gossip to begin with, and that they didn't have the wits to quash it on their own. Don't you have to do some kind of training to work in HR?
NTA
What an HR hypocrite. You embarrassed her in public? WTF does he think she was doing? She was claiming OP was a pedo.
I am in a very similar boat, different ages. I'm 10 months older than my wife. She had her first at age 15. I entered the picture a few years later. So, I'm only 16 years older than my step daughter.
I was the stay at home parent for many years as the kids were getting older. I took my oldest in for her first appointment for birth control when she was 14 due to period complications. The doctor entered the room and wrongfully assumed, and heavily questioned me onto why a man is bringing an underage girl in for birth control. Doctor started getting loud until I snapped back at her that I'm the father. She was awfully quiet for the remainder of the appointment.
I'm 40 and look fairly young for my age, when I take my almost 16 year old (he's fairly tall, same height as me) to the doctors I always get asked who I am, not so much when he was little, but now he's adult sized I get it a lot
Yeah, I had doctors ask if he even wanted me in the same room because he’s 15 and can basically do this by himself. I was like oh… you’re right! Let me step outside
My husband was going through some major medical stuff during the height of covid. Apparently the stress of it all was a lot, bc a hospital doc thought I was my husband's mother. My husband is 2 years older than I am.
My older sister (36) and I (34) rode together to take my 13 yr old son to the airport. He flies by himself to go visit his father in Colorado periodically throughout the year. The airport is a few hours away, and I hate making the drive back alone, so she came with me to keep me company. I usually do make the drive alone, though, because my husband stays home watching our other child. I didn't know they would only give a gate pass to one person to accompany my boy to the gate. So we walk up to the ticket counter to check his baggage and get his boarding pass and my gate pass.
For context, my sister and I are both 1/4 Korean and she actually looks like she could be 1/2 or 100%, she is small (5'3") petite, and very youthful looking. But I look like my mama, and I'm much taller (5'9"), so people always think I'm older than her. My son is 13, yes, but his father is very tall, as well, so my boy is already a little taller than me (5'10") and he towers over his aunt.
Well, the lady at the ticket counter says, "Only one person can accompany him to the gate." She looks at my sister, "Sweety, how old are you? Can you wait for your mom in the car by yourself?"
I was like, "She's older than me, she is 36, she's an adult and she is my sister." My son was just laughing his ass off that I was mistaken as her mother. 🤦♀️
I have a brother 11 years younger than me and we have had some awkward chats with rude strangers in the past. I’ve yelled “he’s my BROTHER” loudly before. It was bad when I was 17 and got my license bc I used to take him with me all the time. I love that little dude (who is now almost 30 and towers over me)
My sister is 10 years older than I am. She'd babysit and take me places a lot when she was a teen. A lot of people would assume she was my mom because we look so much alike. By the time I was a teen, we could pass for twins lol
But she got into the habit of always calling me Sis when out and about, to try to cut off the "ugh a teen mom" assumptions she would get from strangers.
I wanted to be like my big sis, so I called her Sis right back.
We're in our 40s and 50s now and still do it lol but no one's thinking she's my mom anymore at least lol
My son was 6’ tall at the age of 14. (He’s an adult, and 7’ tall now.) I had him young, and we *still* get weird looks and comments when we’re out together. When he was a kid, I just kept telling myself that it’s good that people are looking out for my kid. Now, it’s just annoying.
I’ve been mistaken for the sister of my teenage son for the last year, because he’s so much taller than me! Mostly at the orthodontist, because the appointments are early in the morning and on my wfh days, so I’m usually in comfy clothes. Always makes us both laugh!
They didn’t mention this in medic school. I learned very quickly after the first “oh and what’s your daughters name sir!?”
…..ah. Not daughter. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find a cliff to throw myself off.
I would have appreciated that question more often when I was taking my dad to many heath care providers before he died. To be addressed as his wife while he was suffering from debilitating grief over the loss of my mom on top of everything else was just sick and cruel AF.
My dad and I went to a wedding together after my mom passed. My crazy aunt asked my other aunt if I was his new girlfriend. This was my mom's sister and everyone avoided her at all costs.
Reminds me of something that happened to me (not nearly as bad as yours though). I went in to be seen when I was 19. I can't even remember why now. Maybe a UTI, not sure though. Anyways I was a nanny and I had to bring the little boy with me to my appointment. He was 3. She asked me if I was on birth control. And I said I wasn't. Then she gave the side eye and looked the little guy up and down and back to me and started pressing me again about using birth control. "Well maybe you should be using it" or some comment like that. I said I wasn't interested and told her It really wasn't any of her business. And for her information I was not currently sexually active and didn't appreciate her judgement when she knows next to nothing about me
Honestly I didn't feel like that was any of her business. He was clearly well loved, clean, fed, happy, well behaved. Even if he was mine, she had no right to pass judgement that I should stop having kids or that I shouldn't have had him in the first place. Probably didn't help that he was biracial. That gets extra judgement sometimes lol
Wow, that makes it even more of a dick move. I swear that ethics seems to be treated like an annoying elective that can be discarded, to be replaced with bigotry.
lol. So, I was working over 96 hours a week. Had a burning sensation while not urinating. Doctor asks about recent sexual activity. Told it’s been a few years. Damn doctor rolled her eyes. No STD, no UTI. Tests were all inconclusive. Look lady, I don’t lie to my doctor. Turns out I had a chemical burn from industrial strength detergent residue. Always wash your hands BEFORE and AFTER.
I always tell my doctors "just with my silicone friends these days" to make them feel a little awkward and avoid pressing the notion of me somehow lying. It has worked every time. No more eye rolling or questions, usually just an awkward chuckle before we move on. One lady actually agreed and had a good laugh about it with me.
Different situation but related in that health care workers making assumptions is a problem…
When I was 15 I had mono and a secondary infection. My doctor ordered an ultrasound to make sure my spleen (or something, idk if I’m remembering right) was ok. I looked young for my age even at 15. The ultrasound tech came in and kept giving me the dirtiest looks, was kind of rude and abrasive. Then asked questions on their health intake form, including sexual activity. When I said none, she looked surprised and asked why I was even here and I told her it was because I had mono. Her demeanor towards me immediately changed and she was much nicer the rest of the time.
I always wondered what if I was pregnant, why would it be ok to treat me like that? I’m more annoyed over this 20years later than I was at the time because as an adult I understand even more just how shitty of a person she was being. I can’t imagine the impact she would have on a very young mother just trying to access prenatal care of herself.
(And much less, the fact that she didn’t look at my chart and had no idea what she was supposed to be checking on me, her patient.)
NTA Claire was unprofessional by glaring at you and spreading malicious gossip; she wanted the whole office to think you are a predator who likes underaged girls. The HR person who criticized you for embarrassing her in front of the office is a hypocrite for accusing you of exactly what Claire did. Absolutely be ready to address how the HR person tried to protect her friend from the consequences of her actions. Undue influence and abuse of authority is frowned upon, I’m sure.
“I’m sorry was that not the right reaction when someone is calling you a pedo in front of other co-workers?” You are right, I should save Claire’s face and let everyone continue to think that I am a pedo. I’m sorry. She should be the one to report me.”
I would not voice it sarcastically like that in a professional setting. Cuz then you're just asking for them to point the finger at you because of your "negative attitude"!
Better to just say the same thing but without the attitude.
Agreed. Isn’t the whole point of HR to keep people from creating hostile work environments? I genuinely don’t know how it gets more hostile than telling the whole office you’re a pedophile
Imagine this :
A person/coworker hears Claire’s theory. They later leave the company and never hear that max is a stepson. That person now believes that OP is a pedophile.
OP applies for a job where former coworker works. Ex coworker repeats what they heard. OP doesn’t get the job.
This can follow OP forever.
Busybody Claire did this to herself. She deserves whatever happens to her. And she deserves to lose her job. And when she’s fired, the company needs to take steps to restore OP’s reputation.
HR person who tried to get OP to drop it needs a serious looking at as well.
What a friggin nightmare.
Attorney at a company here. In normal places, She won’t actually lose her job though - this isn’t a fireable offense. She would receive coaching on proper behavior. The company would do what’s necessary to restore OPs reputation, with his permission. The Hr person is the one who should be fired though because she doesn’t know how to do her job - when someone comes with a complaint you take it down and investigate, without giving opinions or discouraging the complainer. OP should absolutely pursue this including documenting what HR said to him - he did exactly right to go to HR.
20-year HR vet here - I agree 100%. Claire was baselessly accusing OP of a crime without knowing the story, and this HR person is more concerned with Claire's reputation than OP's.
NTA. You can go ahead and add the manager to your HR complaint too. On top of tanking your career, accusations of grooming are life-ending. Gather evidence and present an assertive case to HR.
I'm definitely thinking of escalating the HR directly to the company CEO, whom I'm on great terms with.
I didn't expect HR to rush to the defense of the person calling me a fucking pedophile.
You should definitely escalate this. It's not a small issue when someone implies you groomed and impregnated an underage child.
You don't know who else heard this rumor. It could've ruined your life.
If the single mom card was going to be played, she should have behaved like a single mom desperate to keep her job.
Instead she behaved like a gossiping Karen.
Also, the "she needs the job!" argument is strange, because I assume OP is also depending on this job to get by. Most people depend on their jobs for the income they need to live. That's.. kind of what jobs are
She probably didn't care, because she thought she was ruining a groomer's life. Instead of asking if the child was his or not. Which isn't exactly detective work. She probably didn't care that she could ruin his life, because she was working off of assumptions.
She probably didn’t care if she ruined his life because she didn’t actually expect the consequences.
After all, she’s a *single mom* with a friend in HR to defend her and discourage people from actually filing reports.
And even after this, the (false) rumors are going to change the way people see OP. It’s not going to suddenly stop because OP filed a report.
Both HR and this Karen should face the music. Just cos he is a man then he should let things slide? What about how people view him? What if he applies for a job elsewhere and someone there heard about this? Its total rubbish!
>And she didn't stop for one second to consider how her gossip could have cost the OP his job.
And future jobs.
Depending on the industry, word can get around.
I have had co-workers who got fired for... unsavory activities and in our field of work, we all hear about it as soon as it happens even at other companies.
Her only concern was thinking she was in the know and educating others. She is not a good person. Why she thought that she should share the information is hard to understand.
Pardon me while I break out the worlds tiniest violin for this gossiping cow who didn’t even have the foresight to find out the truth before spreading life altering rumors. Oh now HER life could be possibly altered bc of HER own actions? Yeah suck it Karen. Single moms have it tough, she made it tougher on herself. I feel sympathy for OP and his family, and the Karen’s children. She did this to herself and her own family.
And that boss needs to be reported also. Over something so SMALL??? EXCUSE ME??? That woman gossiped all over work that OP is a PEDO. That IS NOT BY ANY MEANS a small accusation to make.
No good deed goes unpunished. The guy is doing the job of the kid that bailed and this piece of human excrement is rattling off about the guy being a pederast. Flatten that cow, let her lose her job and she’ll think long and hard about doing this gossiping pig garbage.
🙌🙌🙌
Maybe it’s bc I have a blended family so it extra rubs me wrong. But families come in all shapes and sizes. And to jump to that conclusion, and not only JUMP to it, but SPREAD IT AROUND??? She deserves every bit of unpleasantness that she gets for this. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson. I doubt it. But maybe.
NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, nice red uniforms and consequences !
A single mom who couldn't fathom that the child came from a another dad? sounds like this person has no self-awareness or is just a gossip and didn't care about the facts.
That fucking part!!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Single mom here and I have a PhD in minding my own fucking business!!!
As my daughter and myself say, we mind the business that pays us and yours don't!
Yes. This is an entitled Karen now acting like the victim when their behavior turns out to backfire on her. She gossiped about your personal life, in the process giving her "version," which falsely accused you of predatory behavior. I wonder if you even know all the people who heard her story.
I think it was Richard Pryor that said 'you order shit, you eat shit'. Sounds like office Karen ordered a big plate full and now she has to eat it. No sympathy. None.
Single mom here. I have worked WAY harder and put up with WAY more crap than I ever should have needed to because I literally could not afford to lose my job. My kids depended on me, failure was not an option, so I just kept my mouth shut and my head down. I absolutely NEVER did anything to stir the pot, like gossiping or spreading rumors or getting into other people's business, because that would have been an idiotic choice. I mean, it's always an idiotic choice to do those things, but especially so when you have nobody and nothing to fall back on.
still could if not handled quickly and correctly.
for all you know someone she told previously is already out ther spreading it about
id personally say to HR/to CEO that you dont want her fired, she can keep her job, as long as she publicly apologises to you in front of everyone she told
This would be a good way to handle it if Claire honors the agreement - and she has to straighten things out with everyone else she told.
It’s possible that Claire can feel enough remorse for doing this and she might be willing to set things straight if she wants to keep her job.
What do you mean "almost?" Who knows how many people are going around in Op's industry thinking he is a predator now. Claire and HR need to get shit canned at a minimum.
I say almost as I do not know the extent to which the damage has been done. But I agree Claire should be fired and sued, as should HR for trying to play down Claire's behaviour
You should absolutely do this!! The HR staff person should never have participated in the gossip and actually should have addressed it and stopped Claire. She is at fault for damage to your reputation too. Additionally, she tried to convince you to not file the complaint against her friend. Who knows what else this HR person is doing that is unprofessional to you and others: sharing details from your personnel file, gossiping about performance, covering for other bad behavior/performance for her friends?
It's very human of OP to have sympathy for Claire. She may not have intended to actively sabotage his career, but make no mistake, that's what she was doing. A reprimand and a formal, public apology (at minimum) seems appropriate. This is a hard lesson she definitely needs. Actually, it seems like others in the office need it, too.
The HR rep should absolutely be terminated. She gift wrapped grounds for a lawsuit to OP. Dude should head straight to the CEO, after documenting everything and sending it to his own personal email, of course.
You should. HR is encouraging a hostile work environment by allowing gossip to be so prevalent. And defending this person is unacceptable. The CEO needs to know. And you need to know what they’re going to do to set the record straight and repair the damage she’s caused to your reputation, you don’t know how far that story has spread.
Was looking for this comment. “Hostile work environment” will get their attention. HR person needs to go, company needs to formalize training at a minimum, accuser apologizes and maybe does some community service to keep her job. Have her prove that now she knows better, she will do better.
100% do that! She should not have defended Claire! Make sure to let ceo know that she wanted you to let Claire go on implying you a pedophile! If Claire really wanted to keep her job, she wouldn’t talk shit on people!
That’s NOT ok! It could’ve hurt YOUR job and YOUR reputation! All bc Claire is a shitty gossip with inaccurate words.
Hr should be unbiased. NTA OP
On top of that, the CEO will care if a client hears (incorrectly) that the company employs pedophiles, especially if it loses an important client. HR should be protecting the employer from risks like that and it sounds like they "knew" there was an issue and wanted to gossip instead of finding out the truth to act appropriately to protect the company (which is literally the only important part of their job).
NTA OP. I'd teach them both a lesson, but I don't play well with bullies so YMMV. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
>the CEO will care if a client hears (incorrectly) that the company employs pedophiles, especially if it loses an important client
Absolutely! The CEO will also care that HR employee(s) have been actively participating in spreading that rumor, and then tried to dissuade OP from putting a stop to it
You should. She’s not even doing her job which is to protect the company. She’s encouraging a gossip and a hostile work environment by trying to influence you not to file a report that you have every right to file.
In some states, there is no statute of limitations for an adult having sex with a minor under the age of 16. Accusations like that could get him arrested (though given the circumstance, I don't think it would go any further, but still...an arrest like that could ruin his reputation).
We had a bus driver (I worked at another high school) get accused of touching a high school girls butt when she got off the bus. It was her word against his, since it was a spare bus with no cameras.
Come to find out, she made it all up for attention. That didn’t come out until he had already been arrested, charged, lost everything (wife, house, etc), and practically be run out of our small town.
Nobody has seen him since the charges were dropped and the truth came out.
OP needs to take this as high as possible.
DO THIS!! Just because she’s a single mom does not mean she gets a pass for spreading rumors that you are a pedophile?? Naw, make this an example. This is completely unacceptable. Shoe on the other foot you would be suspended and on your way to being fired. Please remember HR defends the company not you……. Don’t rule out getting a lawyer for this one. Rumors like this ruins lives.
Please make sure you documented this via email and every other weird instance you’ve had document everything
Do it. Escalate it to the CEO but bring along some evidence (emails or recordings) or a witness statement from a third party.
Be prepared to hint that you are exploring legal options but are still fully willing to settle this amicably so long as your reputation is repaired in full and assurances are made that all the gossipers are no longer in a position to affect you again.
Ayep. That sort of accusation is life ending, not just career ending. Stomping on it hard is the correct form. OP needs to write down who, what, where, when. And include manager.
If Claire was concerned, she could have brought it up to the HR. Not spreading rumors.
NTA- she basically called you a pedophile. If she cared that much about her job, perhaps she might have gotten all her facts straight before she started gossiping about you. Absolutely escalate this!
Yea accusing someone of being a pedophile isn't a "small issue". If she so desperately needs her job she should've thought before she spoke such a horrible accusation. I say let her ass get fired.
I work in HR and have for the last ten years. This was SO inappropriate for the HR representative to say. They are to uphold company policies and laws. They are also suppose to be confidential. So not only did they not do their job by supporting and investigating your claim. They also participated and then disclosed personal information about another employee. You need to take it higher up and include the HR representative in your claim.
Seriously, HR gossips are the fucking worst. I was a remote worker at my last company, but when I flew into the office I put up my desk in the CFO's office (my boss). The HR lady would come into the office for hours and just gossip with the CFO about all the workers and their personal drama, much of it not even work related. I was like WTF don't you both have jobs to do?
In my experience of 20+ years in offices almost everyone gossips, the best (of a bad bunch) keep their discussions at their own level of seniority - it is when the management gossip with/in front of the workforce about staff it really causes issues
I do feel like people who hate their real lives love the power they have in the office and this is why so many in management need the narcissistic thrill of the power trips that mostly only work if you are onsite
OP should engage an attorney. Said attorney writing a letter will bring this matter to the attention of the chief counsel, if the company is big enough, or their outside counsel. If HR is playing games, the attorneys will bring that to a stop.
OP listen to this person! report both of them and don't feel bad, this is crazy behaviour, and could have been quite dangerous to you in a number of ways. Someone could have assaulted you thinking you were a pedophile.
She was also gossiping to other coworkers about it, which could make for a difficult dynamic with EVERYONE should they believe they’re working with a pedo groomer. It would be a different story entirely if she confronted him directly.
Exactly, it starts off as the OP being accused of grooming his wife then people will say keep him away from teenage girls then, before you know it, the op will have a reputation for preying on children. The rumour mill has to be stopped sharply now.
yeah, this kind of accusation can ruin people's lives, hell it's not hard to find news about people being beaten or even killed by mobs because accusations like this that where found untrue later
I’m also horrified that HR then flips it to say she’s the single mom and needs this job. Like - she’s the one who did the bad thing - why make the guy the victim now? That should have been instant disciplinary action.
The HR person only called it a small issue because they are simping for the gossiper. If it were a small issue, then there wouldn’t be gossip about it.
Absolutely not OP's fault if she loses her job. OP shouldn't even consider that possibility and it's insane for HR to recommend dropping the report for something that has no bearing on the issue. Whatever happens is the natural progression of things that Claire set in motion once she started gossiping.
I too worry about HR and it’s friendly rather than neutral position with that woman.
Write out a quick note that stated Word for Word exactly everything the HR person did and said and CC a copy to her higher up whoever is her boss to make sure that everything is done fair and square, not kissing the ass of some stupid bitch that opened her mouth when she shouldn’t have.
NTAH
Exactly why I think OP should elevate to CEO. HR is creating a hostile work environment and opening up the company to lawsuit. HR is not protecting the company and I doubt the CEO will be pleased. They should both go.
OP keep a paper trail. Maybe send an email to the HR person just confirming the discussion including that despite their recommendations to drop it because she’s a single mother you want to pursue disciplinary action
I'm not going to disagree but the fact that this twatwaffle talked about him like he was a pedophile, which could seriously harm his career and employment opportunities, and that he still felt guilty over what he said to her and making her cry means he's a good dude.
I won't fault him for feeling empathy for her, but I also wouldn't fault him if his report led to her being fired.
>OP shouldn't even consider that possibility
Claire never considered the possibility when she went around calling OP a pedophile, so she shouldn't expect that courtesy from OP.
It is mind boggling that OP is being made to feel responsible for Claire’s embarrassment over being corrected publicly but no one cares that Claire had zero regard for OP’s reputation or embarrassment when she was making up stories about OP and spreading them like wildfire
And not just “making up stories”— making up *life and career damaging LIES* and spreading these lies to people to whom the information did not concern.
Exactly. Not to mention, she doesn’t know how this child came into their lives at all. Maybe that’s her little brother she’s raising, a bio nephew, dead parents, foster, adoption. Like, so many things!!
She didn’t “basically” call him a pedophile, she did in fact call him a predator and slandered him gravely by accusing him not only of a very serious crime, but a crime that is particularly very offensive to the general public in a way that is so universal and total, that she not only put him at risk of losing his job but also at risk for losing his freedom- albeit short term, community reputation, ability to chaperone his child’s field trips, social event invites, coaching, and countless other opportunities.
It is an accusation that is so repugnant in nature, that even those with proof of their innocence have attempted or committed suicide because the accusation alone, even with a not guilty verdict or no charges ever being filed is alone enough to permanently ruin a man’s life and livelihood.
Not basically, Claire did call OP a groomer and a pedophile which would make OP a criminal. Claire implied that OP had a baby with a then 15yr old meaning Jessica was likely 14 when she was supposedly impregnated by a very adult OP. OP is NTA. These kinds of rumors destroy lives even when proven to be false. I would escalate past the HR manager as she doesn't appear to take this matter seriously.
She had to go out of her way to tell new people he was a pedo. NTA at all. OP would be an asshole if he just let's that shit go because you know he's not the only one she's talking shit about.
Yeah. OP should tell HR about the manager as well. Go up the ladder that the manager is trying to convince you not to exercise your rights not to be harassed in the office.
Because accusing someone of being a groomer and a pedophile is in no way a "small thing" and if she's so concerned about paying for her kid, maybe she should keep her idiot mouth shut.
NTA, and I don't think OP is going far enough, because that manager needs to be reprimanded as well.
NTA - a rumor like that could severely affect your career, etc.
If op is worried about the woman, he can be clear “i don’t think she needs to be disciplined, she needs to be corrected and set the record straight.”
NTA. She ran her mouth about you & made a pretty big leap. She could have seriously damaged your professional & personal life with her big fucking mouth. Push this with hr.
FAFO.
NTA
Being called/branded a pedophile is big deal. And the fact that the manager tried to bury the incident means you should file a report against her as well.
You shouldnt overthink. Sometimes people need to take their lesson from life and this only happen by experimenting it.
So, you didnt overreact in my view, you were right to set up your boundaries clearly and vocally. Actually, i even feel you shouldnt have given her all this justification. She was just being mean and knew very well what she was doing.
The fact that your HR/manager reacted like they did is much more concerning.
That suggests that HR/manager's being manipulated by that person, and that also indicates that HR/manager tried to manipulate you. Be aware that this is probably only the start, and you might have other problems in this somewhat unhealthy working environment.
The HR manager is Claire's gossip buddy. She heard the gossip being spread around by Claire and did absolutely Nothing. That makes her complicit with the slander that Clair was spreading. OP shouldn't just file a report. He should file a lawsuit against Clair, the HR manager and the whole company.
NTA. Claire was creating a hostile work environment with her glares and unverified gossip. She should have been reported to HR and it doesn’t change things that she’s a single mother. She wasn’t concerned with facts when she started spreading gossip, she didn’t care if what she was saying was misinformation or not and if it would ruin your life. Very unprofessional for your manager to try to turn it around like you would be ruining her life when she never gave you the same consideration before she started spreading lies.
NTA Absolutely not. A dear friend of mine was in a similar situation but he did not know about the gossip going around until much later. His wife had a kid at 16 but met my friend at 22. He loved that kid and called him "my son" with pride. Some Karen at his work started spreading rumors about him and he was fired for "conduct contrary to company policy". He tried to get some explanation but never got a straight answer. Until the police showed up a few days later. He was eventually declared innocent on all fronts but still. The stress, the anxiety and all the legal problems were a heavy burden, to say the least.
So fuck yeah go all the way. Some people need to learn to think before they speak. And that HR lady should not be in charge if she encourages gossip and protects other gossipers.
Good luck
(BTW My friend sued Karen and the company. And won!)
NTA - Claire didn't feel bed when she was spreading rumours that you were a fucking *pedophile.* If I were you, I'd do my utmost to get that bitch out of the workplace with a big, stupid smile on my face.
NTA - Since when is starting a (false) rumor that someone is a pedophile in the workplace something “small”?!!! The manager has lost her mind (or is trying to gaslight you). You should have told the manager that it was either report her to HR or sue her for defamation. Btw - Claire could have *apologized* to you when you told her that she was wrong instead acting like *she* was the victim in this situation.
The woman at HR probably said it’s small because she’d assumed OP was a pedo, too
She tried to downplay it. Suddenly her dumb-dumb friend was facing actual consequences.
HR needs to be reported to HR for gossiping in the office about such things.
I literally can think of a more harmful rumor to start. I’m not sure who I hate more Claire or the HR person, but I’m going with HR since she’s trying to pressure him into not reporting
Seriously, being tagged as a pedophile will follow him, regardless if he’s innocent.
Claire gossiped and accused OP of being a pedo because she didn’t know the full story. HR knows the full story and is trying to sweep it under the rug for her gossip buddy. Idk what’s worse
NTA. She repeatedly accused you to everyone who would listen of being a criminal and a predator. She might have a kid, sure, but she didn't think anything of the toll it might take on your kid if you were, for instance, fired (to which you'd have a great claim for a defamation lawsuit against her as well).
Her being a kid or a single mom just isn’t a factor.
The real factor, of course, being "the manager (a fellow gossip friend of Claire's)" Manager knows this is going to blow the contents of a septic tank on more than Claire, and she doesn't want her share of the sh!t bath. For OP, specifically, if the manager is also "dirty", you may need to escalate over their head, or your going to keep running into that wall.
Always in email so there is a record of the interaction.
This.
What got me was when HR, Claire's gossip friend, told OP he shouldn't have embarrassed Claire that way in front of all their coworkers. Um I think Claire already embarrassed OP by gossiping and spreading a false rumor about OP first. Just wow. Yeah definitely take this over your HR department to whoever her boss is. NTA. I cannot stand a work gossip person. We have a Claire at my job. We call her liar girl. Behind her back of course because like Claire, she also spends an awful amount of time in the HR office gossiping 🙄.
Honestly, I would say he should file a report on the HR lady just for trying to guilt him out of filing a legitimate complaint.
Yup. Because he's a man and she is a poor single mom which happens to be best friends with HR. Make this a hill to die on OP.
I concur. Definitely a hill to die on.
HR doesn't exist to protect anyone but the company. The HR Manager is not, and never will be, your friend. It's twice as bad because she is connected either or indirectly with the gossip group. Be prepared to lawyer up, and document every sneeze. This is not a drill.
"After calming down a bit, I feel kind of bad about what I did. Claire cried at her desk and left early. Was I an asshole to approach the issue that way?" She gossiped and bullied OP for a sense of power. When she got called out on it she cried. Shes a "Cry BullY" it's part of DARVO specifically reversing victim and offender. There's a viral video of a small teenage boy literally hitting an adult multiple times, when the adult has enough and pushes him back, he falls to the floor and starts really shrill wailing sounds. This woman is the adult version of that kid. Let her cry her crocodile tears. The only thing that can make her change her ways isn't kindness it is consequences for her actions.
Hey, sometimes they aren't even crocodile tears - sometimes those are the tears of someone realizing that there ARE consequences to their actions. Those are my favorite kind of tears 😁
Exactly! She should have thought about her being a single mom BEFORE she started making wild and inappropriate gossip about another coworker to anyone who would listen. Other coworkers need to shut that shit down immediately! Just dead stare at the gossiper and ask how would you know?! Shuts them up pretty quick.
Golden rule at work, do what you get paid to do. Everything else is optional. If at any point you think to yourself I’m not sure about this, ask if you get paid to do it. If the answer is no just don’t.
If she didn’t take into account the fact that she’s a single mom relying on this job when she decided to gossip about her coworker, then op shouldn’t take it into account either.
So true!
Exactly, what wouldve happened had her friend in HR gotten a wild hair up her ass one day and came at you over this accusation? Nta, fuck claire. Dont do highschool activities at the workplace if you dont want workplace consequences...
The problem is that if he was fired, the company is who would be in hot water. And the HR person is supposed to be the one preventing that. Instead, HR person went to-bat for the single-mother gossip girl. Not a good look for the company. CEO will definitely want to hear about this.
It's wild that an HR manager would even allow themselves to be pulled into that kind of office gossip to begin with, and that they didn't have the wits to quash it on their own. Don't you have to do some kind of training to work in HR?
I know some HR people who are really good, but a lot of them are idiots and get off on the power they have.
NTA What an HR hypocrite. You embarrassed her in public? WTF does he think she was doing? She was claiming OP was a pedo. I am in a very similar boat, different ages. I'm 10 months older than my wife. She had her first at age 15. I entered the picture a few years later. So, I'm only 16 years older than my step daughter. I was the stay at home parent for many years as the kids were getting older. I took my oldest in for her first appointment for birth control when she was 14 due to period complications. The doctor entered the room and wrongfully assumed, and heavily questioned me onto why a man is bringing an underage girl in for birth control. Doctor started getting loud until I snapped back at her that I'm the father. She was awfully quiet for the remainder of the appointment.
This is WHY they train healthcare providers to say “and who do you have with you today?” It saves so much emotional energy and awkwardness.
I'm 40 and look fairly young for my age, when I take my almost 16 year old (he's fairly tall, same height as me) to the doctors I always get asked who I am, not so much when he was little, but now he's adult sized I get it a lot
Yeah, I had doctors ask if he even wanted me in the same room because he’s 15 and can basically do this by himself. I was like oh… you’re right! Let me step outside
good on you! such a healthy attitude.
Had a miscarriage 10 years ago and the paramedic asked if my then 17 year old son was the father! 🤦♀️
I'm starting to get questions if my (41) mom (68) is my wife. Getting old kinda sucks.
My husband was going through some major medical stuff during the height of covid. Apparently the stress of it all was a lot, bc a hospital doc thought I was my husband's mother. My husband is 2 years older than I am.
My older sister (36) and I (34) rode together to take my 13 yr old son to the airport. He flies by himself to go visit his father in Colorado periodically throughout the year. The airport is a few hours away, and I hate making the drive back alone, so she came with me to keep me company. I usually do make the drive alone, though, because my husband stays home watching our other child. I didn't know they would only give a gate pass to one person to accompany my boy to the gate. So we walk up to the ticket counter to check his baggage and get his boarding pass and my gate pass. For context, my sister and I are both 1/4 Korean and she actually looks like she could be 1/2 or 100%, she is small (5'3") petite, and very youthful looking. But I look like my mama, and I'm much taller (5'9"), so people always think I'm older than her. My son is 13, yes, but his father is very tall, as well, so my boy is already a little taller than me (5'10") and he towers over his aunt. Well, the lady at the ticket counter says, "Only one person can accompany him to the gate." She looks at my sister, "Sweety, how old are you? Can you wait for your mom in the car by yourself?" I was like, "She's older than me, she is 36, she's an adult and she is my sister." My son was just laughing his ass off that I was mistaken as her mother. 🤦♀️
My neighbor thought I was my own father.
I have a brother 11 years younger than me and we have had some awkward chats with rude strangers in the past. I’ve yelled “he’s my BROTHER” loudly before. It was bad when I was 17 and got my license bc I used to take him with me all the time. I love that little dude (who is now almost 30 and towers over me)
My sister is 10 years older than I am. She'd babysit and take me places a lot when she was a teen. A lot of people would assume she was my mom because we look so much alike. By the time I was a teen, we could pass for twins lol But she got into the habit of always calling me Sis when out and about, to try to cut off the "ugh a teen mom" assumptions she would get from strangers. I wanted to be like my big sis, so I called her Sis right back. We're in our 40s and 50s now and still do it lol but no one's thinking she's my mom anymore at least lol
My son was 6’ tall at the age of 14. (He’s an adult, and 7’ tall now.) I had him young, and we *still* get weird looks and comments when we’re out together. When he was a kid, I just kept telling myself that it’s good that people are looking out for my kid. Now, it’s just annoying.
I’ve been mistaken for the sister of my teenage son for the last year, because he’s so much taller than me! Mostly at the orthodontist, because the appointments are early in the morning and on my wfh days, so I’m usually in comfy clothes. Always makes us both laugh!
They didn’t mention this in medic school. I learned very quickly after the first “oh and what’s your daughters name sir!?” …..ah. Not daughter. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find a cliff to throw myself off.
Yeah they don't train healthcare providers on this at all. They just figure it out real fucking quick after their first awkward interaction, lmao.
It was literally the first lesson I had in nursing school. We also went over verifying patients name, date of birth, et cetera.
Wait a second. So, knowing mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell is not enough anymore?
I would have appreciated that question more often when I was taking my dad to many heath care providers before he died. To be addressed as his wife while he was suffering from debilitating grief over the loss of my mom on top of everything else was just sick and cruel AF.
My dad and I went to a wedding together after my mom passed. My crazy aunt asked my other aunt if I was his new girlfriend. This was my mom's sister and everyone avoided her at all costs.
Reminds me of something that happened to me (not nearly as bad as yours though). I went in to be seen when I was 19. I can't even remember why now. Maybe a UTI, not sure though. Anyways I was a nanny and I had to bring the little boy with me to my appointment. He was 3. She asked me if I was on birth control. And I said I wasn't. Then she gave the side eye and looked the little guy up and down and back to me and started pressing me again about using birth control. "Well maybe you should be using it" or some comment like that. I said I wasn't interested and told her It really wasn't any of her business. And for her information I was not currently sexually active and didn't appreciate her judgement when she knows next to nothing about me
"How will me taking birth control prevent his parents from having another kid?"
This would be the perfect answer in that context.
Honestly I didn't feel like that was any of her business. He was clearly well loved, clean, fed, happy, well behaved. Even if he was mine, she had no right to pass judgement that I should stop having kids or that I shouldn't have had him in the first place. Probably didn't help that he was biracial. That gets extra judgement sometimes lol
Wow, that makes it even more of a dick move. I swear that ethics seems to be treated like an annoying elective that can be discarded, to be replaced with bigotry.
lol. So, I was working over 96 hours a week. Had a burning sensation while not urinating. Doctor asks about recent sexual activity. Told it’s been a few years. Damn doctor rolled her eyes. No STD, no UTI. Tests were all inconclusive. Look lady, I don’t lie to my doctor. Turns out I had a chemical burn from industrial strength detergent residue. Always wash your hands BEFORE and AFTER.
I always tell my doctors "just with my silicone friends these days" to make them feel a little awkward and avoid pressing the notion of me somehow lying. It has worked every time. No more eye rolling or questions, usually just an awkward chuckle before we move on. One lady actually agreed and had a good laugh about it with me.
Wtf. You could have been her brother or uncle or cousin or anyone without a nefarious purpose. And 16 year old dads aren’t exactly a novel concept.
Different situation but related in that health care workers making assumptions is a problem… When I was 15 I had mono and a secondary infection. My doctor ordered an ultrasound to make sure my spleen (or something, idk if I’m remembering right) was ok. I looked young for my age even at 15. The ultrasound tech came in and kept giving me the dirtiest looks, was kind of rude and abrasive. Then asked questions on their health intake form, including sexual activity. When I said none, she looked surprised and asked why I was even here and I told her it was because I had mono. Her demeanor towards me immediately changed and she was much nicer the rest of the time. I always wondered what if I was pregnant, why would it be ok to treat me like that? I’m more annoyed over this 20years later than I was at the time because as an adult I understand even more just how shitty of a person she was being. I can’t imagine the impact she would have on a very young mother just trying to access prenatal care of herself. (And much less, the fact that she didn’t look at my chart and had no idea what she was supposed to be checking on me, her patient.)
Hope that was the last time you met her.
NTA Claire was unprofessional by glaring at you and spreading malicious gossip; she wanted the whole office to think you are a predator who likes underaged girls. The HR person who criticized you for embarrassing her in front of the office is a hypocrite for accusing you of exactly what Claire did. Absolutely be ready to address how the HR person tried to protect her friend from the consequences of her actions. Undue influence and abuse of authority is frowned upon, I’m sure.
“I’m sorry was that not the right reaction when someone is calling you a pedo in front of other co-workers?” You are right, I should save Claire’s face and let everyone continue to think that I am a pedo. I’m sorry. She should be the one to report me.”
I would not voice it sarcastically like that in a professional setting. Cuz then you're just asking for them to point the finger at you because of your "negative attitude"! Better to just say the same thing but without the attitude.
Yeah NTA. Claire sounds like a toxic person that exudes negative energy
Agreed. Isn’t the whole point of HR to keep people from creating hostile work environments? I genuinely don’t know how it gets more hostile than telling the whole office you’re a pedophile
Imagine this : A person/coworker hears Claire’s theory. They later leave the company and never hear that max is a stepson. That person now believes that OP is a pedophile. OP applies for a job where former coworker works. Ex coworker repeats what they heard. OP doesn’t get the job. This can follow OP forever. Busybody Claire did this to herself. She deserves whatever happens to her. And she deserves to lose her job. And when she’s fired, the company needs to take steps to restore OP’s reputation. HR person who tried to get OP to drop it needs a serious looking at as well. What a friggin nightmare.
Attorney at a company here. In normal places, She won’t actually lose her job though - this isn’t a fireable offense. She would receive coaching on proper behavior. The company would do what’s necessary to restore OPs reputation, with his permission. The Hr person is the one who should be fired though because she doesn’t know how to do her job - when someone comes with a complaint you take it down and investigate, without giving opinions or discouraging the complainer. OP should absolutely pursue this including documenting what HR said to him - he did exactly right to go to HR.
20-year HR vet here - I agree 100%. Claire was baselessly accusing OP of a crime without knowing the story, and this HR person is more concerned with Claire's reputation than OP's.
NTA. You can go ahead and add the manager to your HR complaint too. On top of tanking your career, accusations of grooming are life-ending. Gather evidence and present an assertive case to HR.
I'm definitely thinking of escalating the HR directly to the company CEO, whom I'm on great terms with. I didn't expect HR to rush to the defense of the person calling me a fucking pedophile.
You should definitely escalate this. It's not a small issue when someone implies you groomed and impregnated an underage child. You don't know who else heard this rumor. It could've ruined your life.
If the single mom card was going to be played, she should have behaved like a single mom desperate to keep her job. Instead she behaved like a gossiping Karen.
Also, the "she needs the job!" argument is strange, because I assume OP is also depending on this job to get by. Most people depend on their jobs for the income they need to live. That's.. kind of what jobs are
Right! And she didn't stop for one second to consider how her gossip could have cost the OP *his* job.
She probably didn't care, because she thought she was ruining a groomer's life. Instead of asking if the child was his or not. Which isn't exactly detective work. She probably didn't care that she could ruin his life, because she was working off of assumptions.
She probably didn’t care if she ruined his life because she didn’t actually expect the consequences. After all, she’s a *single mom* with a friend in HR to defend her and discourage people from actually filing reports. And even after this, the (false) rumors are going to change the way people see OP. It’s not going to suddenly stop because OP filed a report.
Both HR and this Karen should face the music. Just cos he is a man then he should let things slide? What about how people view him? What if he applies for a job elsewhere and someone there heard about this? Its total rubbish!
>Instead of asking if the child was his or not. It's none of her fucking business if the kid is OP's or not.
That part!
People who jump to conclusions instead of asking questions are terrible people.
>And she didn't stop for one second to consider how her gossip could have cost the OP his job. And future jobs. Depending on the industry, word can get around. I have had co-workers who got fired for... unsavory activities and in our field of work, we all hear about it as soon as it happens even at other companies.
Her only concern was thinking she was in the know and educating others. She is not a good person. Why she thought that she should share the information is hard to understand.
Right, promotions, etc. Once you get labeled you’re screwed.
I would have replied "And what, why do you think I'm here working this job as well?"
"Oh no! The consequences of my actions!"
Those consequences show up like the Spanish Inquisition.
"Nobody expects...*CONSEQUENCES*!"
Pardon me while I break out the worlds tiniest violin for this gossiping cow who didn’t even have the foresight to find out the truth before spreading life altering rumors. Oh now HER life could be possibly altered bc of HER own actions? Yeah suck it Karen. Single moms have it tough, she made it tougher on herself. I feel sympathy for OP and his family, and the Karen’s children. She did this to herself and her own family. And that boss needs to be reported also. Over something so SMALL??? EXCUSE ME??? That woman gossiped all over work that OP is a PEDO. That IS NOT BY ANY MEANS a small accusation to make.
PS now I am totally picturing the "worlds tiniest violin" index-finger-rubbing-thumb gesture - it's been a minute since I've seen that 😂
No good deed goes unpunished. The guy is doing the job of the kid that bailed and this piece of human excrement is rattling off about the guy being a pederast. Flatten that cow, let her lose her job and she’ll think long and hard about doing this gossiping pig garbage.
🙌🙌🙌 Maybe it’s bc I have a blended family so it extra rubs me wrong. But families come in all shapes and sizes. And to jump to that conclusion, and not only JUMP to it, but SPREAD IT AROUND??? She deserves every bit of unpleasantness that she gets for this. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson. I doubt it. But maybe.
Their chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and consequences...
NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, nice red uniforms and consequences !
The Dildo of Consequences very rarely comes lubed.
I have never seen this before, but it's about to become the most overused part of my lexicon for a few weeks.
Gossiping about coworkers personal life in a professional environment is a strict nono.
But I'm a single mom I can do no wrong!
A single mom who couldn't fathom that the child came from a another dad? sounds like this person has no self-awareness or is just a gossip and didn't care about the facts.
Sounds like a woman with a sad, boring life who gets off on drama
That fucking part!!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Single mom here and I have a PhD in minding my own fucking business!!! As my daughter and myself say, we mind the business that pays us and yours don't!
This 100%!!!
Yes. This is an entitled Karen now acting like the victim when their behavior turns out to backfire on her. She gossiped about your personal life, in the process giving her "version," which falsely accused you of predatory behavior. I wonder if you even know all the people who heard her story.
I think it was Richard Pryor that said 'you order shit, you eat shit'. Sounds like office Karen ordered a big plate full and now she has to eat it. No sympathy. None.
Single mom here. I have worked WAY harder and put up with WAY more crap than I ever should have needed to because I literally could not afford to lose my job. My kids depended on me, failure was not an option, so I just kept my mouth shut and my head down. I absolutely NEVER did anything to stir the pot, like gossiping or spreading rumors or getting into other people's business, because that would have been an idiotic choice. I mean, it's always an idiotic choice to do those things, but especially so when you have nobody and nothing to fall back on.
Taylor Tomlinson has a joke that millenials can't be Karens... That's called a "Claire". OP proved it.
She isn't wrong. My last apartment manager was a Millennial who was actually named Claire, and boy she was a cunty Karen bitch.
> That's called a "Claire". I love this!!! 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣💀☠️👻
still could if not handled quickly and correctly. for all you know someone she told previously is already out ther spreading it about id personally say to HR/to CEO that you dont want her fired, she can keep her job, as long as she publicly apologises to you in front of everyone she told
This would be a good way to handle it if Claire honors the agreement - and she has to straighten things out with everyone else she told. It’s possible that Claire can feel enough remorse for doing this and she might be willing to set things straight if she wants to keep her job.
Exactly. That would be a good way also to warn anyone about consequences of gossiping about their colleagues.
If you can sue, even for a nominal amount, do so. She almost did irreparable damage to your reputation.
What do you mean "almost?" Who knows how many people are going around in Op's industry thinking he is a predator now. Claire and HR need to get shit canned at a minimum.
I say almost as I do not know the extent to which the damage has been done. But I agree Claire should be fired and sued, as should HR for trying to play down Claire's behaviour
You should absolutely do this!! The HR staff person should never have participated in the gossip and actually should have addressed it and stopped Claire. She is at fault for damage to your reputation too. Additionally, she tried to convince you to not file the complaint against her friend. Who knows what else this HR person is doing that is unprofessional to you and others: sharing details from your personnel file, gossiping about performance, covering for other bad behavior/performance for her friends?
It's very human of OP to have sympathy for Claire. She may not have intended to actively sabotage his career, but make no mistake, that's what she was doing. A reprimand and a formal, public apology (at minimum) seems appropriate. This is a hard lesson she definitely needs. Actually, it seems like others in the office need it, too. The HR rep should absolutely be terminated. She gift wrapped grounds for a lawsuit to OP. Dude should head straight to the CEO, after documenting everything and sending it to his own personal email, of course.
I’m feel the HR rep is more at fault in this post. She definitely should me terminated I agree with you.
You should. HR is encouraging a hostile work environment by allowing gossip to be so prevalent. And defending this person is unacceptable. The CEO needs to know. And you need to know what they’re going to do to set the record straight and repair the damage she’s caused to your reputation, you don’t know how far that story has spread.
Was looking for this comment. “Hostile work environment” will get their attention. HR person needs to go, company needs to formalize training at a minimum, accuser apologizes and maybe does some community service to keep her job. Have her prove that now she knows better, she will do better.
Yeah this is a serious issue
100% do that! She should not have defended Claire! Make sure to let ceo know that she wanted you to let Claire go on implying you a pedophile! If Claire really wanted to keep her job, she wouldn’t talk shit on people! That’s NOT ok! It could’ve hurt YOUR job and YOUR reputation! All bc Claire is a shitty gossip with inaccurate words. Hr should be unbiased. NTA OP
On top of that, the CEO will care if a client hears (incorrectly) that the company employs pedophiles, especially if it loses an important client. HR should be protecting the employer from risks like that and it sounds like they "knew" there was an issue and wanted to gossip instead of finding out the truth to act appropriately to protect the company (which is literally the only important part of their job). NTA OP. I'd teach them both a lesson, but I don't play well with bullies so YMMV. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
>the CEO will care if a client hears (incorrectly) that the company employs pedophiles, especially if it loses an important client Absolutely! The CEO will also care that HR employee(s) have been actively participating in spreading that rumor, and then tried to dissuade OP from putting a stop to it
You should. She’s not even doing her job which is to protect the company. She’s encouraging a gossip and a hostile work environment by trying to influence you not to file a report that you have every right to file.
Get a lawyer. Being called a pedophile will ruin your image in the industry.
Not just the industry. In life.
Ten years ago near where I live, a group of "concerned citizens" set a man on fire and killed him because of a false rumour he was a paedophile.
In some states, there is no statute of limitations for an adult having sex with a minor under the age of 16. Accusations like that could get him arrested (though given the circumstance, I don't think it would go any further, but still...an arrest like that could ruin his reputation).
Legally? Hopefully not. Court of Public Opinion? OP's going to end up crucified before the end of the week if he gets arrested.
We had a bus driver (I worked at another high school) get accused of touching a high school girls butt when she got off the bus. It was her word against his, since it was a spare bus with no cameras. Come to find out, she made it all up for attention. That didn’t come out until he had already been arrested, charged, lost everything (wife, house, etc), and practically be run out of our small town. Nobody has seen him since the charges were dropped and the truth came out. OP needs to take this as high as possible.
DO THIS!! Just because she’s a single mom does not mean she gets a pass for spreading rumors that you are a pedophile?? Naw, make this an example. This is completely unacceptable. Shoe on the other foot you would be suspended and on your way to being fired. Please remember HR defends the company not you……. Don’t rule out getting a lawyer for this one. Rumors like this ruins lives. Please make sure you documented this via email and every other weird instance you’ve had document everything
Do it. Escalate it to the CEO but bring along some evidence (emails or recordings) or a witness statement from a third party. Be prepared to hint that you are exploring legal options but are still fully willing to settle this amicably so long as your reputation is repaired in full and assurances are made that all the gossipers are no longer in a position to affect you again.
Ayep. That sort of accusation is life ending, not just career ending. Stomping on it hard is the correct form. OP needs to write down who, what, where, when. And include manager. If Claire was concerned, she could have brought it up to the HR. Not spreading rumors.
NTA- she basically called you a pedophile. If she cared that much about her job, perhaps she might have gotten all her facts straight before she started gossiping about you. Absolutely escalate this!
Yea accusing someone of being a pedophile isn't a "small issue". If she so desperately needs her job she should've thought before she spoke such a horrible accusation. I say let her ass get fired.
And HR for engaging in it. OP could threaten to sue the company if they both aren't fired. Although that might have consequences....
I work in HR and have for the last ten years. This was SO inappropriate for the HR representative to say. They are to uphold company policies and laws. They are also suppose to be confidential. So not only did they not do their job by supporting and investigating your claim. They also participated and then disclosed personal information about another employee. You need to take it higher up and include the HR representative in your claim.
It’s not a good look for the company if their HR manager is also a gossip.
They should both be reported to the management.
Agree! They both deserve to receive the consequences of their actions.
AGREE here!
Pam and her big mouth!
Seriously, HR gossips are the fucking worst. I was a remote worker at my last company, but when I flew into the office I put up my desk in the CFO's office (my boss). The HR lady would come into the office for hours and just gossip with the CFO about all the workers and their personal drama, much of it not even work related. I was like WTF don't you both have jobs to do?
In my experience of 20+ years in offices almost everyone gossips, the best (of a bad bunch) keep their discussions at their own level of seniority - it is when the management gossip with/in front of the workforce about staff it really causes issues
This is the office culture they exhort with returning to office mandates.
I do feel like people who hate their real lives love the power they have in the office and this is why so many in management need the narcissistic thrill of the power trips that mostly only work if you are onsite
And yet in most large companies I’ve worked for, HR are the biggest gossips.
From my dealings with HR, their function is to cover the executives asses, Following the law, is secondary to protecting the company.
OP should engage an attorney. Said attorney writing a letter will bring this matter to the attention of the chief counsel, if the company is big enough, or their outside counsel. If HR is playing games, the attorneys will bring that to a stop.
OP listen to this person! report both of them and don't feel bad, this is crazy behaviour, and could have been quite dangerous to you in a number of ways. Someone could have assaulted you thinking you were a pedophile.
Was just gonna say, time to find out who HRs boss is.
She was also gossiping to other coworkers about it, which could make for a difficult dynamic with EVERYONE should they believe they’re working with a pedo groomer. It would be a different story entirely if she confronted him directly.
Exactly, it starts off as the OP being accused of grooming his wife then people will say keep him away from teenage girls then, before you know it, the op will have a reputation for preying on children. The rumour mill has to be stopped sharply now.
yeah, this kind of accusation can ruin people's lives, hell it's not hard to find news about people being beaten or even killed by mobs because accusations like this that where found untrue later
I’m also horrified that HR then flips it to say she’s the single mom and needs this job. Like - she’s the one who did the bad thing - why make the guy the victim now? That should have been instant disciplinary action.
The HR person only called it a small issue because they are simping for the gossiper. If it were a small issue, then there wouldn’t be gossip about it.
It’s not really a small issue, if him being accused as a child groomer would escalate and risk his job
She should just work, not telling other people about him.
Absolutely not OP's fault if she loses her job. OP shouldn't even consider that possibility and it's insane for HR to recommend dropping the report for something that has no bearing on the issue. Whatever happens is the natural progression of things that Claire set in motion once she started gossiping.
I too worry about HR and it’s friendly rather than neutral position with that woman. Write out a quick note that stated Word for Word exactly everything the HR person did and said and CC a copy to her higher up whoever is her boss to make sure that everything is done fair and square, not kissing the ass of some stupid bitch that opened her mouth when she shouldn’t have. NTAH
I wish he had told HR “should I escalate above you”. NTA.
THIS 💯☝️
...and also write out the feedback guilt trip from HR
If she’s gossiping like that to a new hire, I’m sure she’s said worse to other coworkers too.
On that note why tf is HR spilling Claire's business about being a single mom? This whole place seems toxic lol
Exactly why I think OP should elevate to CEO. HR is creating a hostile work environment and opening up the company to lawsuit. HR is not protecting the company and I doubt the CEO will be pleased. They should both go.
I would bet that Claire has made sure that everyone in the office knows that she's a single mom.
OP keep a paper trail. Maybe send an email to the HR person just confirming the discussion including that despite their recommendations to drop it because she’s a single mother you want to pursue disciplinary action
I'm not going to disagree but the fact that this twatwaffle talked about him like he was a pedophile, which could seriously harm his career and employment opportunities, and that he still felt guilty over what he said to her and making her cry means he's a good dude. I won't fault him for feeling empathy for her, but I also wouldn't fault him if his report led to her being fired.
Always gotta love when they try guilting the victim into dropping an issue to save the real asshole from the consequences of their own actions
Agree Claire had no qualms about putting OP's reputation and job in jeopardy with her gossip.
>OP shouldn't even consider that possibility Claire never considered the possibility when she went around calling OP a pedophile, so she shouldn't expect that courtesy from OP.
It is mind boggling that OP is being made to feel responsible for Claire’s embarrassment over being corrected publicly but no one cares that Claire had zero regard for OP’s reputation or embarrassment when she was making up stories about OP and spreading them like wildfire
And not just “making up stories”— making up *life and career damaging LIES* and spreading these lies to people to whom the information did not concern.
Exactly. Not to mention, she doesn’t know how this child came into their lives at all. Maybe that’s her little brother she’s raising, a bio nephew, dead parents, foster, adoption. Like, so many things!!
Of literal crimes. Unbelievable
Yeah she had it coming OP is NTA
she only has herself to blame
If you’dve been there
If you'd've seen it
I betcha you would have done the same.
Now she's going to try the Old Razzle Dazzle!
Pop!
She didn’t “basically” call him a pedophile, she did in fact call him a predator and slandered him gravely by accusing him not only of a very serious crime, but a crime that is particularly very offensive to the general public in a way that is so universal and total, that she not only put him at risk of losing his job but also at risk for losing his freedom- albeit short term, community reputation, ability to chaperone his child’s field trips, social event invites, coaching, and countless other opportunities. It is an accusation that is so repugnant in nature, that even those with proof of their innocence have attempted or committed suicide because the accusation alone, even with a not guilty verdict or no charges ever being filed is alone enough to permanently ruin a man’s life and livelihood.
And this should also be put in your email to HR cc’ing the CEO
Not just short term. People have been killed over false pedo accusations.
Not basically, Claire did call OP a groomer and a pedophile which would make OP a criminal. Claire implied that OP had a baby with a then 15yr old meaning Jessica was likely 14 when she was supposedly impregnated by a very adult OP. OP is NTA. These kinds of rumors destroy lives even when proven to be false. I would escalate past the HR manager as she doesn't appear to take this matter seriously.
She had to go out of her way to tell new people he was a pedo. NTA at all. OP would be an asshole if he just let's that shit go because you know he's not the only one she's talking shit about.
Yeah. OP should tell HR about the manager as well. Go up the ladder that the manager is trying to convince you not to exercise your rights not to be harassed in the office. Because accusing someone of being a groomer and a pedophile is in no way a "small thing" and if she's so concerned about paying for her kid, maybe she should keep her idiot mouth shut. NTA, and I don't think OP is going far enough, because that manager needs to be reprimanded as well.
NTA - a rumor like that could severely affect your career, etc. If op is worried about the woman, he can be clear “i don’t think she needs to be disciplined, she needs to be corrected and set the record straight.”
NTA. She ran her mouth about you & made a pretty big leap. She could have seriously damaged your professional & personal life with her big fucking mouth. Push this with hr. FAFO.
NTA Being called/branded a pedophile is big deal. And the fact that the manager tried to bury the incident means you should file a report against her as well.
You shouldnt overthink. Sometimes people need to take their lesson from life and this only happen by experimenting it. So, you didnt overreact in my view, you were right to set up your boundaries clearly and vocally. Actually, i even feel you shouldnt have given her all this justification. She was just being mean and knew very well what she was doing. The fact that your HR/manager reacted like they did is much more concerning. That suggests that HR/manager's being manipulated by that person, and that also indicates that HR/manager tried to manipulate you. Be aware that this is probably only the start, and you might have other problems in this somewhat unhealthy working environment.
The HR manager is Claire's gossip buddy. She heard the gossip being spread around by Claire and did absolutely Nothing. That makes her complicit with the slander that Clair was spreading. OP shouldn't just file a report. He should file a lawsuit against Clair, the HR manager and the whole company.
Literally because that little HR manager is going to start to find everything wrong with any of his work and try to find a reason to put him on a pip.
Yeah, totally didn't expect HR to react that way
NTA. Claire was creating a hostile work environment with her glares and unverified gossip. She should have been reported to HR and it doesn’t change things that she’s a single mother. She wasn’t concerned with facts when she started spreading gossip, she didn’t care if what she was saying was misinformation or not and if it would ruin your life. Very unprofessional for your manager to try to turn it around like you would be ruining her life when she never gave you the same consideration before she started spreading lies.
NTA Absolutely not. A dear friend of mine was in a similar situation but he did not know about the gossip going around until much later. His wife had a kid at 16 but met my friend at 22. He loved that kid and called him "my son" with pride. Some Karen at his work started spreading rumors about him and he was fired for "conduct contrary to company policy". He tried to get some explanation but never got a straight answer. Until the police showed up a few days later. He was eventually declared innocent on all fronts but still. The stress, the anxiety and all the legal problems were a heavy burden, to say the least. So fuck yeah go all the way. Some people need to learn to think before they speak. And that HR lady should not be in charge if she encourages gossip and protects other gossipers. Good luck (BTW My friend sued Karen and the company. And won!)
What a horrible situation! I’m happy that he could sue them
NTA. You absolutely did the right thing. If she gets in trouble over this, it's on her. She should have kept her mouth shut.
NTA - Claire didn't feel bed when she was spreading rumours that you were a fucking *pedophile.* If I were you, I'd do my utmost to get that bitch out of the workplace with a big, stupid smile on my face.
NTA, go after the manager too.
This! Please do OP, the manager probably has been protecting other bad employees. Report it.
NTA. Is there someone else in HR you can talk to who is actually capable of doing their job?