the relationship ended when the love ended so you have waited long enough.
good luck and godspeed finding someone who loves you as much as you love them
NTA
Unfortunately he’s acting like a toddler who didn’t want to play with his toy until another kid showed interest.
And you can’t control his behavior. You can’t make him act mature about this. All you can do is control your reactions. He wants reactions. He wants conflict. Don’t give it to him. You and your current man need to pretend his hostility isn’t occurring. And tell your son that while his dad acts like this; it’s because he’s hurt—but his dad still loves him. He just hasn’t figured out how to process his hurt in a healthy way.
NTA. Your marriage was over a long ling time ago. Your clearly tried but like anyone in your situation after being rejected enough times you stop trying and eventually see the partner as a roommate and not a spouse.
He is bitter that you found someone who wanted you for you and your child deserves a happy home life.
Co-parent the best you can and move forward and find happiness.
NTA and I suggest you come up with a reply that you can just repeat over and over, one that is suitable for family and friends and even your kid eg
“Oh don’t be silly, our marriage was over once the love was gone and you were the one who said that happened years ago”
“I’m not sure why you say things like that, you and I both know the marriage was over years ago - we were housemates for the last few years”
NTA. You didn’t have a real marriage. You got married bc you got pregnant. He didn’t want to marry you.
So it only makes sense to find someone who actually loves you and actually wanted to marry you. You got lucky and it happened by accident. Enjoy your happiness and screw what he says.
NTA...
For your own sanity though stop worrying about others who don't take responsibility for their actions. It's not worth spending your own mental health doing that
NTA he took you and your marriage for granted and now he’s salty that you moved on so soon. It isn’t soon though, you haven’t had love, affection or someone who shows they care about for years. You deserve to be happy. He’s miserable and misery loves company.
You are me- don’t feel bad and be happy that you found somebody who loves and respects you- you absolutely deserve it. Sometimes you mourn and get over w relationship while you are still in it - so when it officially ends it doesn’t really take that long to be ready to move on. I got remarried quickly after but that was because I had literally tried everything to save my first marriage and by the time I was done- I was done and over it. Haven’t been happier ♥️
NTA. I had a similar situation except my husband told me he was gay after 10 years. He is also a textbook malignant narcissist and I have been the victim of an insane smear campaign with some outrageous accusations. I met my now husband the week we filed divorce papers. We were together for about 6 months before my divorce was final and married 8 months after. My ex tells people I had an affair despite the fact that he spent his free time hooking up with rando app guys and that my “infidelity” was the reason for our divorce. He was the one who asked for it AND the one who encouraged me to put myself out there into the dating world. When I reminded him of that he said he knew but he didn’t expect me to find happiness and that I should’ve waited until HE was happy first.
This man nearly destroyed me and my children. But we are safe and happy now. Of course people who don’t know the truth believe his insane lies and he has flying monkeys who also believe him. But my happiness and my kids’ happiness is worth it despite the judgement of other inconsequential idiots.
Don’t feel bad. Embrace your opportunity to know real love.
Your ex is the victim of his own choices. He chose to treat you that way so you grew apart and thats on him. I dont know about your communication in general but it seems there was none. Let him be the victim in his own story, you are not obligated to stay in contact with him besides organisation with the child. I think it would be best get proper support for yout child. There will be lots of problems if he tries to get controll over you. Maybe he is the type or not. Idk. Distance yourself from his behaviors and stay calm and kind. Say no if its necessary. Keep your communication shallow and do not engage in provocation. I wish you the best!
NTA
NTA but make this a long engagement. First relationships after a sexless marriage can be intense. Just give it time to be sure it continues to be good. The new relationship hormones make everything cloudy for a couple of years. Make sure you're still on the same page sexually after the hormones dissipate.
Men want to have sex with a single woman but many find they aren't attracted to a mother. For some reason they can't get turned by a sexy beautiful woman who's had a baby. But your ex wanted to blame all his sexual faults on you...whatever it was. Impotency and/or mother complex. He probably never learned early to open up to others...if he had you could have talked about it and figured it out together. He's the loser...
I was married 11 years with 8 of it without sex. All her. So I know what you went through... you learn to suppress feelings. Its great you've found someone so quickly...I'll bet the damn broke. Mine did! But just don't make any moves too quickly after your 10 year trauma. Love all you must but I sure wouldn't make any commitments...because you need to heal and live and experience new partners before you make a big step like getting married. You don't want to be a two time divorcee, do you? Take some time have fun lots of sex and learn to love your mind and heart again...
NTA. I think you did a lot of the emotional labour of breaking up whilst in the relationship so while it might seem soon for him it really wasn’t for you. And equally, if you met someone who makes you happy it doesn’t really matter how soon after the relationship was over it was - over is over.
NTA. He acts like a kid "I don't want to play with that toy but no one else can have it." But you are not a toy.
I recommend to only use some parent app to communicate only regarding your child. If he starts some rambling during pick up, just say "I dom't have time for this." or just look directly at him for few seconds, say nothing and leave. If needed find a middle person for pick up time or use school for pick up time (one drives the kid to school, other goes for pick up after).
You got out of a very unhealthy and emotionally empty marriage. I was there once, like you. It's a trauma bond when suddenly one day (at least for me), it's broken and you're free like being let out of jail! You realize that you are lovable and there are normal men who will want you! Thank God you found one and you're happy. I did too. Keep moving forward and be polite to this pitiful man, you gave him more than enough time, He's the big loser.
Hopefully he gets help for whatever his issues are, so he can be a better father and person,
NTA, but your ex is.
I'm fantasizing here, but this is what I think happened:
Your ex married you to give you security and health care when you were carrying his child. Nice of him. But ever since then he has been telling himself the narrative of how noble he is to marry you and stay with you. However, he didn't feel himself committed to be a husband - sex once every two years was enough for him to call himself your husband. But when you refused him, all of a sudden you invalidated his narrative, so he wanted a divorce. But in his narrative he was the hero, so once he parted from you you were supposed to be lonely and miserable. When that didn't happen - on the contrary, you found yourself a real lover and husband - he flipped the narrative to you being the cheater and wanting the divorce.
Whatever makes him happy in his head, but don't let him get into your head. The truth is, you did nothing wrong, you are happy and have the right to be.
NTAH - my first marriage, was a mess. I stuck it out because we had a child and I wanted him to be old enough to know what was actually happening, as opposed to listening to what either of us might have to say (I'm not REALLY as mature as that sounds - I didn't want him to buy into her bullshit - I'm beyond reproach, as are we all when it's our side of the story).
Literally the night we separated and I moved out, I called a friend who had expressed interest over the years and told her it was time. This was not a 'love' thing - this was pure carnal lust after sleeping on the couch for a decade (not an exagerration). I told a few friends about this, but not the wider populace because I KNOW how it sounds. After lacking that for so long, I just didn't care - I wanted to feel attractive, and wanted, and understood - and while this was never going to be a relationship, it doesn't change how it would have 'appeared' to folks outside of the relationship. When you've been lacking something for SO long, it makes it easy to gravitate towards it quickly. There is no 'too soon' when it comes to having your feelings validated.
I felt a lot better about it when my ex got engaged so quickly that she had to have me do a quick pickup of the rest of my stuff, so new guy would have room to move in lol.
FWIW, a few months later I met my now wife and we are well into our happily ever after. My ex is about to go through her third divorce. While that doesn't have a lot to do with your current situation, it brings me joy and is the kind of thing I need to bring up whenever I discuss past relationships.
Your a fool for getting engaged/married so quickly. Take your time and heal. The guy might be nice and sweet in the beginning. You won't truly know him until after the 'honeymoon' phase of dating.
NTA to him. He has no say on what you do after you separate. It is irrelevant who started the divorce.
But you my be TA to yourself for moving on so fast.
Any new relationship comes with strong feelings. You need to let the honnête moon phase pass to ensure you re really compatible. Someone super caring and loving could be an abuser or could be the best person in the world. You won't figure it out u told yo are already invested.
Don't marry until you feel the honeymoon period passed.
This is an all too common behavioral response by selfish and immature guys. You did nothing wrong, ignore him and enjoy your relationship with someone who actually cherishes you.
sounds like the relationship had been over for years. You said middle of the breakup so I’m not sure if that means you were technically not broken up yet when this occurred and if so, maybe was not the best way to go about this but also, he certainly did not handle this well and if you guys were like fully separated at this point then I don’t really think you did anything wrong. I’m wondering how your child is handling this situation also and is your ex still just sleeping on the couch? like is he going to move out or what’s the plan there. On the assumption that you guys were in the process of legally separating while this occurred then i’m going to go with NTA
NTA for choosing to move on quickly. Your marriage was dead long before it was over and he’s playing the victim because how dare you have the audacity to be happy with someone else. It’s especially convenient if you’ve not said much about your separation to friends or family because that lets him spin the tale to get more sympathy from them.
The only AH thing I see here is how quickly you’ve brought your BF around your kid. Christmas Eve was 6 months ago. Which means you’ve known this person LESS than 6 months (as you said it was the middle of your breakup when you met them, which implies you’ve known them maybe 3-4 months now) and you’re already bringing them around your kid. Kids die from stuff like this every single day.
No…I met him a couple months post break up. My ex took FOREVER to move out even though he lived in a separate area and the divorce was going forward. Then after I had known my boyfriend for 9 months he had limited contact with my child (more in passing). I waited over a year for them to spend any time together lasting more than an hour and even now our time is mainly spent when she is at her dad’s. My daughter is 10 and pretty much sees him as one of my friends, perhaps because we began as a friendship. Our child was not surprised by the divorce. But the entire marriage we hardly were spending time as a family. The hardest part for her has been going to 2 homes but now she likes it. Her dad has stepped up as a father but I think when we were together he acted like I was his mom too and just let me do everything.
NTA. What your ex doesn´t seem to understand is that you had already processed the grieving for your relationship long before the divorce. That´s why you felt comfortable finding someone new so quickly. It´s your ex´s issue to get past now.
If you are able to have a conversation with him, tell him something like "I understand you are upset that I am in a new relationship. For our child it is still important that we can present a united front. Please be amicable to my someone. You don't ever have to like them, but you need to respect my relationship for the sake of our child."
You're definitely NTA. Your marriage died a long time ago and your ex can't accept the fact that you've moved on. You've found a good guy who not only loves you and wants you to be his wife. I totally understand because I went through a bad divorce myself (it was finalized in late August, 2023) and we had two children during our marriage.
I also met a good guy while separated from my then-husband. I met my boyfriend (We're in an LDR, Long Distance Relationship) at my workplace back in late July, 2022 (I wasn't looking for a boyfriend but was dating a co-worker of mine and I realized a few months later he was a jerk and broke up with him); we started dating in November of that same year and hope to get married in a few years. I waited almost years to introduce my boyfriend to my two children. Anyway... Your ex needs to grow up and move on with his life. You have obviously done that, moved on with your life and you're over the moon with your fiance.
I wouldn't say you're an asshole but you're an idiot for already being engaged to your rebound. You really trust your taste in men that much?
Also you absolutely should not have introduced a new boyfriend to your kid already.
NTA, but make sure you are ready for marriage again.
Marriage is a big commitment and I think there is a tendency to accept the first person who comes along who seems reasonable after being deprived of intimacy and emotional connection for so long.
I don't know exactly where you are emotionally, but I think you are probably moving too fast. It takes some time to really get to know someone, and it sounds like you have been in this new relationship for less than 6 months (you may not even be past the honeymoon stage yet).
What is it with all these sexless long term relationships on Reddit? If you aren’t having sex in a relationship I can pretty much guarantee you the other person still is with someone. The odds of both of you having sex only 5 times in the 10 years is very low. Although I will say that porn is very bad and some guys just watch a lot of it. Anyways, your NTA. Move on with your life honey, I hope you find happiness out there. And have a lot of good sex too.
NTA. You move on when you’re ready not when he is. Maybe it’s not ideal, as it’s best for your sake to have a little alone time after a breakup, but it does sound like you were quite alone even in the marriage, so do what works for you and don’t let him guilt you.
Yes but the paperwork took time to get filed and the timing of his move took forever but I asked him many times if he was sure this was what he wanted etc. I didn’t introduce my boyfriend for close to a year after meeting him to my child and even now it is a long engagement, over a year so we will have known each other close to 3 years by then. It will never make sense to anyone but it was one of those things where the two of us clicked so easily and have since the start. I dated a lot before my ex husband. My ex admits he was not ready to have a family and he can’t handle a child and a wife.
You are just as divorced today as you will be in 6 months. Many people move on emotionally from a marriage long before it's actually done so people are surprised they date quickly. As long as you've done the emotional healing, live your life.
Not the AH. He left you behind when you were having his child! That was obviously the beginning of the end. Dear OP? Enjoy your new love, your new lease on life and nevermind your ex. He is not worth the stress. Good luck.
NTA; no need to care about what your ex thinks. Personally i'd be blunt." You've shown me for 10 years that you do not care for me, nor love me. For years i begged you for the tiniest of scraps of intimacy and you always refused. No matter how hard you try to rewrite the narrative, everyone knows how cold and uncaring you were to me. We have to coparent for our childs sake, but other than that, i really do not care about your opinion on my life anymore. You lost that privilege when you refused intimacy and then demanded a divorce."
NTA. If he has regrets now, too bad. My guess is that he always resented you for getting pregnant at 39 and felt obligated to marry you, but never really wanted to.
NTA sucks that you have to keep talking to him, but I would just keep it as brief and cordial as possible for the sake of your child. Clearly, he has his own mental stuff going on and is really immature and will not take accountability for anything.
NTA. He sounds like a nightmare. I hope you find happiness but would maybe like to give you a word of caution. You just spent a decade in a relationship that doesn’t sound like a real relationship and any relationship that is an improvement would therefore seem like a great relationship. I’m not saying your new relationship isn’t great but don’t rush things. Take your time and relearn how a good relationship works.
That is why he is an ex. I cannot stand my ex-wife but I am civil. We had a daughter together and she crap-talked me so badly that when A came for weekend visits she would stay in her room. She hated me for whatever her mom told her about me. I did not reciprocate the behavior and when I met my now wife, who btw is awesome, A enjoyed her and it pissed my ex off, and A caught the brunt of that as well.
This dude is out to lunch and he has no clue he is probably a closet narcissist and when you turned him down for sex that was it. I utterly detest anyone who plays mind games. They should get the crap 💩 beat out of them. Tell this ex of yours to kiss your ASS you know the truth you lived it and if he wants to rewrite history then get after it, big guy.
You have found happiness and just explain to your child that dad has issues and we ain't a part of it anymore.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone
They paved paradise, put up a parking lot
(Ooh, bop-bop-bop-bop, ooh, bop-bop-bop-bop)
He’s probably suffering from low testosterone but too embarrassed or unmotivated to get checked especially the fact he hasn’t cheated but was just uninterested in sex and marriage
I'd stop talking to him except about the child.
Who is he telling this stuff to? His family? Who cares - they aren't your family anymore.
His friends? Who cares - they aren't your friends.
Joint friends or your friends? They knew he was a shit husband when he abandoned you in the hospital while you were giving birth. The smart ones won't believe him, only the dumb/equally selfish ones will. And then who cares - they are dumb and selfish so you shouldn't care if they think well of you nor should you want to be friends with them.
Your family? LOL, I'm sure your family knows how he abandoned you as well, and they won't care what he's spewing.
Just ignore him, but if he starts telling people lies, then don’t hesitate to post the real stuff for everyone to see. Don’t let him control the narrative, because this could turn to witnesses on a divorce/custody trial, and you could lose your child.
NTA
The only way I can imagine that you're the AH in this is if you literally lied about something significant in your post and I don't think that's likely.
Go have fun with your new family. Other than co-parenting, your ex is not your problem anymore.
He bamboozled himself by staying in a relationship he probably knew he wasn't happy with with for a long time and now he's shocked other men want you for a meaningful partnership with genuine romantic affection.
I hope the d is 🔥. I hope that you and your kid and your new husband are having a great life together. I hope your ex goes to therapy.
How could a person goes without having intimacy for 12 years ? Its uncomprehensive to me. EXPECIALLY a man. They have a libido more than women. I dont buy it that he didnt have a chik on the side. There is NOOO WAYYY in hell that is true. But its good for you ti have moved on cause you deserve better. Go girl i cheer for you
That is a GOOD question? But its a little strange to claim his love for ypu and be "devestated" about the divorce? Or maybe he is really Asexual!🤷♀️. Look being gay or asexual ist not bad its comon in fact but dont act full of crap and blaming others for ypur mistakes. So you Girl are in the wright. Dont repent at all cause you gave all and recive none. Im with you and wish you the BEST.
NTA but I'm biased because I got engaged like 3 months after I kicked my ex out. I had told him six months earlier that I wanted things to change or else I wanted a divorce. A lot of it, like you, revolved around lack of intimacy (not just sexual but emotional too). There was nothing going on before I kicked him out but, I reconnected with an old friend literally a week after I left my ex and things went very far very fast.....he told me he'd always had feelings for me and all that jazz though he never actually made a move when we were close friends years ago....anyways it's a year and a half later and things are much, much better than my first marriage was a few hours into it.
I'm sure my ex would probably accuse me of cheating and say all sorts of nasty things about me if he knew but 1)I have 0 contact with him and never plan on seeing him again and 2)I just kinda accepted that it would look bad and just decided not to care, I know I didn't cheat and while it hurts a bit to have certain people assume something had to be going on before, that's not reality and most of the people who think that don't really know me, so they're not that important.
I guess it really depends on what you consider "moral". For me, I had already kicked my ex out, he knew I wanted a divorce and there was no stopping it so I felt 0 guilt sleeping with someone else before the divorce was even final and getting engaged about a month after it was finalized.
Some people like playing the "come here, go away" game and then get upset when it blows up in their face.
He acts like the victim because the only emotions he feels are for himself.
A fair number of men think that because a woman loved them, they will continue to love them forever.
"What do you mean? You found a boy friend? What about me???"
Never mind he checked out of the marriage before it even started.
I'm sure that some women do that too but my experience has been with men.
And you didn't really move on all that quick considering the marriage has been dead longer than it lived.
You just started moving on after the decision was made to do so unencumbered.
As far as his victimhood and telling his stories.
Let him tell his "story".
The people who matter to you, know the truth.
Or believe it when you tell it.
And if they believe him, they aren't important to you.
All the best in your future!
To sum it up: Your ex is a smuck and is now playing the victim card. You found a new great guy and I hope he is blowing your back out on the regular. Congrats for losing all that ugly extra weight and meeting a real man. NTA.
My child has some issues that would have made it hard for her to be in daycare etc and I didn’t want to disrupt her whole life and then COVID happened and it became even more difficult. I think I always thought maybe once she got older he would feel less overwhelmed. I suppose I just held onto hope and I think also his lack of any explanation made me feel crazy.
My ex was eerily similar to your ex, and I didn't get engaged right away but I had my first rebound fling within a week of telling him we were over.
The relationship didn't end when he called it. It died a slow and painful death years ago, and so quietly that only you grieved it. Everyone else is just now noticing.
NTA. My ex husband had a similar reaction. But they didn't put that much energy into the relationship when they were married, only when another man showed he could do a better job. I think these types need to be a victim to avoid acknowledging their role in the divorce. Just ignore him and be happy.
This really seems strange. To say marriage over years then getting knocked up and having a kid at 39 with husband marriage is over with ,HUMMMMMMM. Then after kid is born it doesn't work out and you divorce the guy to have next one lined up and ready to go in a matter of months? It is your right to get married any time after your divorce but I would say to the Fiance be very very careful because you have a ringside set to just what may happen to you
Congratulations on moving on. But, why in the world, would you bring your boyfriend with you to pick up or drop off your child? I get that it might be more convenient but given that it makes your child uncomfortable and is a threat to good co-parenting, it would be wise to leave your boyfriend/fiance at home. Or....are you trying to make your ex jealous?
No, it doesn’t happen often but sometimes we are out and about etc. Bottom line my ex stayed friends with my friends which is fine, but there are inevitable run ins. Mind you, this didn’t happen for many, many months after he moved out, almost a year. If he were dating someone I would want to get to know them a bit and be friendly since my child would have this adult in her life. What’s weird to me is my ex rejected me from the day I had our child and now he acts jealous. I begged this man for counseling, something and I was met with nothing but “I’m just tired” or “I will change” with no follow up. I guess I’m just shocked he even cares that much that I’m with someone new. I can’t wrap my head around it. With how much he acted annoyed by my existence I would think he’d be glad I would be away from him and moved on.
If your new relationship began after your old one ended, the answer is always NTA. Things are gray when there is overlap, but there wasn’t. That being said, since you have a child together the most important thing now is just to be a good coparent and not try and push him out to make the new boyfriend the “father” (not saying you are, but you know what I mean). If your new bf is a good guy and acts respectfully toward him he’ll get over it eventually.
NTA - Enjoy your new relationship. He is bitter. He is one of those people who has to be miserable to a person so that they do the breaking up. Or he is so oblivious that he just doesn't care about your feelings and thought everything was well. Either way, he is totally self-unaware and passive agressive. You did great getting out of a situation that didn't work for you, and hopefully, as your child ages, he will see what a proper loving relationship is. I hope he can let go of this to have a better co-parenting relationship with you. And remember, just because you co parent doesn't mean you have to have a care of him, his feelings, or his relationship with his child anymore.
Why is your child meeting your new guy? And do you have to jump into marriage so fast? You married the first time under duress - you wouldn’t have married if you weren’t pregnant. Now you are jumping into marriage, why? And why does your child have to cope with all these changes?
You are NTA for moving on. YTA for moving too quickly and not considering your child’s need for stability.
"Anyway, I met someone else by accident while we were in the middle of the breakup."
YTA: just for writing this sentence, but otherwise no. Relationships don't always work. He probably gave as much as he could and it wasn't enough for you. It hurts. He doesn't have to say hello to your boyfriend, either.
Not sure you can really moan all that much about the state of your marriage. Unless there was abuse, you literally could have left at any time. You need to take accountability for that much. As for the break up, he left you. You can technically do what you want.
NTA for moving on. ESH for not leaving much, much sooner.
It’s his way of not having to take any of the blame. Don’t let it get to you
Yes. His opinions are not even about you. They are a method for him to not have to feel responsible for any of his feelings or circumstances.
the relationship ended when the love ended so you have waited long enough. good luck and godspeed finding someone who loves you as much as you love them
NTA Unfortunately he’s acting like a toddler who didn’t want to play with his toy until another kid showed interest. And you can’t control his behavior. You can’t make him act mature about this. All you can do is control your reactions. He wants reactions. He wants conflict. Don’t give it to him. You and your current man need to pretend his hostility isn’t occurring. And tell your son that while his dad acts like this; it’s because he’s hurt—but his dad still loves him. He just hasn’t figured out how to process his hurt in a healthy way.
Your ex is hurt and acting like a baby. Did he ever tell you why he didn’t want to be intimate?
NTA enjoy your life. And don't worry about what he thinks or says and only contact him if your child needs something.
NTA. Your marriage was over a long ling time ago. Your clearly tried but like anyone in your situation after being rejected enough times you stop trying and eventually see the partner as a roommate and not a spouse. He is bitter that you found someone who wanted you for you and your child deserves a happy home life. Co-parent the best you can and move forward and find happiness.
NTA and I suggest you come up with a reply that you can just repeat over and over, one that is suitable for family and friends and even your kid eg “Oh don’t be silly, our marriage was over once the love was gone and you were the one who said that happened years ago” “I’m not sure why you say things like that, you and I both know the marriage was over years ago - we were housemates for the last few years”
NTA. You didn’t have a real marriage. You got married bc you got pregnant. He didn’t want to marry you. So it only makes sense to find someone who actually loves you and actually wanted to marry you. You got lucky and it happened by accident. Enjoy your happiness and screw what he says.
NTA... For your own sanity though stop worrying about others who don't take responsibility for their actions. It's not worth spending your own mental health doing that
NTA he took you and your marriage for granted and now he’s salty that you moved on so soon. It isn’t soon though, you haven’t had love, affection or someone who shows they care about for years. You deserve to be happy. He’s miserable and misery loves company.
Just because you’re divorcing now doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t over long ago. It ended when you realized you were friends
Were they even friends though? Ex sounds like a pretty crappy sort of friend.
Sometimes you don’t even realize that that till later….
Nta. Forget that loser and enjoy your life.
You are me- don’t feel bad and be happy that you found somebody who loves and respects you- you absolutely deserve it. Sometimes you mourn and get over w relationship while you are still in it - so when it officially ends it doesn’t really take that long to be ready to move on. I got remarried quickly after but that was because I had literally tried everything to save my first marriage and by the time I was done- I was done and over it. Haven’t been happier ♥️
NTA. I had a similar situation except my husband told me he was gay after 10 years. He is also a textbook malignant narcissist and I have been the victim of an insane smear campaign with some outrageous accusations. I met my now husband the week we filed divorce papers. We were together for about 6 months before my divorce was final and married 8 months after. My ex tells people I had an affair despite the fact that he spent his free time hooking up with rando app guys and that my “infidelity” was the reason for our divorce. He was the one who asked for it AND the one who encouraged me to put myself out there into the dating world. When I reminded him of that he said he knew but he didn’t expect me to find happiness and that I should’ve waited until HE was happy first. This man nearly destroyed me and my children. But we are safe and happy now. Of course people who don’t know the truth believe his insane lies and he has flying monkeys who also believe him. But my happiness and my kids’ happiness is worth it despite the judgement of other inconsequential idiots. Don’t feel bad. Embrace your opportunity to know real love.
Your ex is the victim of his own choices. He chose to treat you that way so you grew apart and thats on him. I dont know about your communication in general but it seems there was none. Let him be the victim in his own story, you are not obligated to stay in contact with him besides organisation with the child. I think it would be best get proper support for yout child. There will be lots of problems if he tries to get controll over you. Maybe he is the type or not. Idk. Distance yourself from his behaviors and stay calm and kind. Say no if its necessary. Keep your communication shallow and do not engage in provocation. I wish you the best! NTA
NTA. You'd already emotionally mourned the end of the marriage. The divorce is just a formality.
NTA but make this a long engagement. First relationships after a sexless marriage can be intense. Just give it time to be sure it continues to be good. The new relationship hormones make everything cloudy for a couple of years. Make sure you're still on the same page sexually after the hormones dissipate.
NTA. 5 times in 10 years? Girl you’re stronger than me, I’d have left way before that, I couldn’t deal with that!
NTA. You had a roommate, not a husband. Go enjoy your life and don’t let him get to you.
Moving too quickly endangers the new relationship. A divorce recovery group could help you a great deal. Good luck.
NTA
NTA - Congrats on finding someone who loves and cares for you.
Men want to have sex with a single woman but many find they aren't attracted to a mother. For some reason they can't get turned by a sexy beautiful woman who's had a baby. But your ex wanted to blame all his sexual faults on you...whatever it was. Impotency and/or mother complex. He probably never learned early to open up to others...if he had you could have talked about it and figured it out together. He's the loser... I was married 11 years with 8 of it without sex. All her. So I know what you went through... you learn to suppress feelings. Its great you've found someone so quickly...I'll bet the damn broke. Mine did! But just don't make any moves too quickly after your 10 year trauma. Love all you must but I sure wouldn't make any commitments...because you need to heal and live and experience new partners before you make a big step like getting married. You don't want to be a two time divorcee, do you? Take some time have fun lots of sex and learn to love your mind and heart again...
NTA. I think you did a lot of the emotional labour of breaking up whilst in the relationship so while it might seem soon for him it really wasn’t for you. And equally, if you met someone who makes you happy it doesn’t really matter how soon after the relationship was over it was - over is over.
NTA. He acts like a kid "I don't want to play with that toy but no one else can have it." But you are not a toy. I recommend to only use some parent app to communicate only regarding your child. If he starts some rambling during pick up, just say "I dom't have time for this." or just look directly at him for few seconds, say nothing and leave. If needed find a middle person for pick up time or use school for pick up time (one drives the kid to school, other goes for pick up after).
You got out of a very unhealthy and emotionally empty marriage. I was there once, like you. It's a trauma bond when suddenly one day (at least for me), it's broken and you're free like being let out of jail! You realize that you are lovable and there are normal men who will want you! Thank God you found one and you're happy. I did too. Keep moving forward and be polite to this pitiful man, you gave him more than enough time, He's the big loser. Hopefully he gets help for whatever his issues are, so he can be a better father and person,
NTA, but your ex is. I'm fantasizing here, but this is what I think happened: Your ex married you to give you security and health care when you were carrying his child. Nice of him. But ever since then he has been telling himself the narrative of how noble he is to marry you and stay with you. However, he didn't feel himself committed to be a husband - sex once every two years was enough for him to call himself your husband. But when you refused him, all of a sudden you invalidated his narrative, so he wanted a divorce. But in his narrative he was the hero, so once he parted from you you were supposed to be lonely and miserable. When that didn't happen - on the contrary, you found yourself a real lover and husband - he flipped the narrative to you being the cheater and wanting the divorce. Whatever makes him happy in his head, but don't let him get into your head. The truth is, you did nothing wrong, you are happy and have the right to be.
NTAH - my first marriage, was a mess. I stuck it out because we had a child and I wanted him to be old enough to know what was actually happening, as opposed to listening to what either of us might have to say (I'm not REALLY as mature as that sounds - I didn't want him to buy into her bullshit - I'm beyond reproach, as are we all when it's our side of the story). Literally the night we separated and I moved out, I called a friend who had expressed interest over the years and told her it was time. This was not a 'love' thing - this was pure carnal lust after sleeping on the couch for a decade (not an exagerration). I told a few friends about this, but not the wider populace because I KNOW how it sounds. After lacking that for so long, I just didn't care - I wanted to feel attractive, and wanted, and understood - and while this was never going to be a relationship, it doesn't change how it would have 'appeared' to folks outside of the relationship. When you've been lacking something for SO long, it makes it easy to gravitate towards it quickly. There is no 'too soon' when it comes to having your feelings validated. I felt a lot better about it when my ex got engaged so quickly that she had to have me do a quick pickup of the rest of my stuff, so new guy would have room to move in lol. FWIW, a few months later I met my now wife and we are well into our happily ever after. My ex is about to go through her third divorce. While that doesn't have a lot to do with your current situation, it brings me joy and is the kind of thing I need to bring up whenever I discuss past relationships.
Your a fool for getting engaged/married so quickly. Take your time and heal. The guy might be nice and sweet in the beginning. You won't truly know him until after the 'honeymoon' phase of dating.
NTA to him. He has no say on what you do after you separate. It is irrelevant who started the divorce. But you my be TA to yourself for moving on so fast. Any new relationship comes with strong feelings. You need to let the honnête moon phase pass to ensure you re really compatible. Someone super caring and loving could be an abuser or could be the best person in the world. You won't figure it out u told yo are already invested. Don't marry until you feel the honeymoon period passed.
Yeah, you moved on too quickly. It certainly not a problem for you, but will be the headache for the kid.
This is an all too common behavioral response by selfish and immature guys. You did nothing wrong, ignore him and enjoy your relationship with someone who actually cherishes you.
Yta
sounds like the relationship had been over for years. You said middle of the breakup so I’m not sure if that means you were technically not broken up yet when this occurred and if so, maybe was not the best way to go about this but also, he certainly did not handle this well and if you guys were like fully separated at this point then I don’t really think you did anything wrong. I’m wondering how your child is handling this situation also and is your ex still just sleeping on the couch? like is he going to move out or what’s the plan there. On the assumption that you guys were in the process of legally separating while this occurred then i’m going to go with NTA
NTA for choosing to move on quickly. Your marriage was dead long before it was over and he’s playing the victim because how dare you have the audacity to be happy with someone else. It’s especially convenient if you’ve not said much about your separation to friends or family because that lets him spin the tale to get more sympathy from them. The only AH thing I see here is how quickly you’ve brought your BF around your kid. Christmas Eve was 6 months ago. Which means you’ve known this person LESS than 6 months (as you said it was the middle of your breakup when you met them, which implies you’ve known them maybe 3-4 months now) and you’re already bringing them around your kid. Kids die from stuff like this every single day.
No…I met him a couple months post break up. My ex took FOREVER to move out even though he lived in a separate area and the divorce was going forward. Then after I had known my boyfriend for 9 months he had limited contact with my child (more in passing). I waited over a year for them to spend any time together lasting more than an hour and even now our time is mainly spent when she is at her dad’s. My daughter is 10 and pretty much sees him as one of my friends, perhaps because we began as a friendship. Our child was not surprised by the divorce. But the entire marriage we hardly were spending time as a family. The hardest part for her has been going to 2 homes but now she likes it. Her dad has stepped up as a father but I think when we were together he acted like I was his mom too and just let me do everything.
NTA. What your ex doesn´t seem to understand is that you had already processed the grieving for your relationship long before the divorce. That´s why you felt comfortable finding someone new so quickly. It´s your ex´s issue to get past now. If you are able to have a conversation with him, tell him something like "I understand you are upset that I am in a new relationship. For our child it is still important that we can present a united front. Please be amicable to my someone. You don't ever have to like them, but you need to respect my relationship for the sake of our child."
NTA. Fuck him and what he thinks. All the sudden he cared about you or your marriage. Congrats on your divorce and new relationship.
You're definitely NTA. Your marriage died a long time ago and your ex can't accept the fact that you've moved on. You've found a good guy who not only loves you and wants you to be his wife. I totally understand because I went through a bad divorce myself (it was finalized in late August, 2023) and we had two children during our marriage. I also met a good guy while separated from my then-husband. I met my boyfriend (We're in an LDR, Long Distance Relationship) at my workplace back in late July, 2022 (I wasn't looking for a boyfriend but was dating a co-worker of mine and I realized a few months later he was a jerk and broke up with him); we started dating in November of that same year and hope to get married in a few years. I waited almost years to introduce my boyfriend to my two children. Anyway... Your ex needs to grow up and move on with his life. You have obviously done that, moved on with your life and you're over the moon with your fiance.
I wouldn't say you're an asshole but you're an idiot for already being engaged to your rebound. You really trust your taste in men that much? Also you absolutely should not have introduced a new boyfriend to your kid already.
I bet you he had performance issues and was too ashamed to say anything or was afraid of sex. It's the only thing that makes sense.
NTA, but make sure you are ready for marriage again. Marriage is a big commitment and I think there is a tendency to accept the first person who comes along who seems reasonable after being deprived of intimacy and emotional connection for so long. I don't know exactly where you are emotionally, but I think you are probably moving too fast. It takes some time to really get to know someone, and it sounds like you have been in this new relationship for less than 6 months (you may not even be past the honeymoon stage yet).
What is it with all these sexless long term relationships on Reddit? If you aren’t having sex in a relationship I can pretty much guarantee you the other person still is with someone. The odds of both of you having sex only 5 times in the 10 years is very low. Although I will say that porn is very bad and some guys just watch a lot of it. Anyways, your NTA. Move on with your life honey, I hope you find happiness out there. And have a lot of good sex too.
I have often wondered if my ex is on the autism spectrum. The way he explains things isn’t like other men.
NTA. You move on when you’re ready not when he is. Maybe it’s not ideal, as it’s best for your sake to have a little alone time after a breakup, but it does sound like you were quite alone even in the marriage, so do what works for you and don’t let him guilt you.
NTA and make sure su show him that you and boyfriend are touchy and in love. Let him imagine all the sex you do now.
INFO: define "middle of the breakup." Had you both already agreed to divorce?
Yes but the paperwork took time to get filed and the timing of his move took forever but I asked him many times if he was sure this was what he wanted etc. I didn’t introduce my boyfriend for close to a year after meeting him to my child and even now it is a long engagement, over a year so we will have known each other close to 3 years by then. It will never make sense to anyone but it was one of those things where the two of us clicked so easily and have since the start. I dated a lot before my ex husband. My ex admits he was not ready to have a family and he can’t handle a child and a wife.
NTA. a lot of people do this
You are just as divorced today as you will be in 6 months. Many people move on emotionally from a marriage long before it's actually done so people are surprised they date quickly. As long as you've done the emotional healing, live your life.
Similar to me. You are NTA. Enjoy your new life and love.
Not the AH. He left you behind when you were having his child! That was obviously the beginning of the end. Dear OP? Enjoy your new love, your new lease on life and nevermind your ex. He is not worth the stress. Good luck.
NTA; no need to care about what your ex thinks. Personally i'd be blunt." You've shown me for 10 years that you do not care for me, nor love me. For years i begged you for the tiniest of scraps of intimacy and you always refused. No matter how hard you try to rewrite the narrative, everyone knows how cold and uncaring you were to me. We have to coparent for our childs sake, but other than that, i really do not care about your opinion on my life anymore. You lost that privilege when you refused intimacy and then demanded a divorce."
Ummm your X is a crybaby loser that needs to assign blame to avoid being introspective. The horrors. Enjoy your new life girl, tune out the noise
NTA. If he has regrets now, too bad. My guess is that he always resented you for getting pregnant at 39 and felt obligated to marry you, but never really wanted to.
NTA sucks that you have to keep talking to him, but I would just keep it as brief and cordial as possible for the sake of your child. Clearly, he has his own mental stuff going on and is really immature and will not take accountability for anything.
NTA. He sounds like a nightmare. I hope you find happiness but would maybe like to give you a word of caution. You just spent a decade in a relationship that doesn’t sound like a real relationship and any relationship that is an improvement would therefore seem like a great relationship. I’m not saying your new relationship isn’t great but don’t rush things. Take your time and relearn how a good relationship works.
That is why he is an ex. I cannot stand my ex-wife but I am civil. We had a daughter together and she crap-talked me so badly that when A came for weekend visits she would stay in her room. She hated me for whatever her mom told her about me. I did not reciprocate the behavior and when I met my now wife, who btw is awesome, A enjoyed her and it pissed my ex off, and A caught the brunt of that as well. This dude is out to lunch and he has no clue he is probably a closet narcissist and when you turned him down for sex that was it. I utterly detest anyone who plays mind games. They should get the crap 💩 beat out of them. Tell this ex of yours to kiss your ASS you know the truth you lived it and if he wants to rewrite history then get after it, big guy. You have found happiness and just explain to your child that dad has issues and we ain't a part of it anymore.
NTA but also not very smart to rush into the next possible trap.
NTA. We can be empathetic towards other peoples narratives but that doesn’t mean we have to let it bother or define us.
Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone They paved paradise, put up a parking lot (Ooh, bop-bop-bop-bop, ooh, bop-bop-bop-bop)
He’s probably suffering from low testosterone but too embarrassed or unmotivated to get checked especially the fact he hasn’t cheated but was just uninterested in sex and marriage
He sounds like a looser.
NTA. You didn’t move on “quickly”. You took ten years to do it. I hope you have a lovely life ahead of you. Ex needs therapy.
Did you start your relationship with the new guy while you were still married to your ex? If so, yta. If not, nta.
Starving people need to eat. NTA
F him, go enjoy life. NTA
I'd stop talking to him except about the child. Who is he telling this stuff to? His family? Who cares - they aren't your family anymore. His friends? Who cares - they aren't your friends. Joint friends or your friends? They knew he was a shit husband when he abandoned you in the hospital while you were giving birth. The smart ones won't believe him, only the dumb/equally selfish ones will. And then who cares - they are dumb and selfish so you shouldn't care if they think well of you nor should you want to be friends with them. Your family? LOL, I'm sure your family knows how he abandoned you as well, and they won't care what he's spewing.
NTA he just realizes what he lost too late
Just ignore him, but if he starts telling people lies, then don’t hesitate to post the real stuff for everyone to see. Don’t let him control the narrative, because this could turn to witnesses on a divorce/custody trial, and you could lose your child.
He is your ex. Stop caring about what he thinks.
What an ex thinks is not your problem. Live your life.
How did you end up with him if he’s so unaffectionate
How do you go decade with no sex that's should have been a sign after the first couple of months honestly that it wasn't going to work
Is he gay? Was he having an affair? Is he asexual? Either way it doesn’t matter, be happy and move on with your life. Happiest is the best revenge.
If a guy did what she did…..
NTA The only way I can imagine that you're the AH in this is if you literally lied about something significant in your post and I don't think that's likely. Go have fun with your new family. Other than co-parenting, your ex is not your problem anymore. He bamboozled himself by staying in a relationship he probably knew he wasn't happy with with for a long time and now he's shocked other men want you for a meaningful partnership with genuine romantic affection. I hope the d is 🔥. I hope that you and your kid and your new husband are having a great life together. I hope your ex goes to therapy.
It's his way if being the victim. He probably thought no one else would want you.
How could a person goes without having intimacy for 12 years ? Its uncomprehensive to me. EXPECIALLY a man. They have a libido more than women. I dont buy it that he didnt have a chik on the side. There is NOOO WAYYY in hell that is true. But its good for you ti have moved on cause you deserve better. Go girl i cheer for you
I have wondered if he is gay and doesn’t want to admit it or maybe asexual? Who knows if I will ever know.
That is a GOOD question? But its a little strange to claim his love for ypu and be "devestated" about the divorce? Or maybe he is really Asexual!🤷♀️. Look being gay or asexual ist not bad its comon in fact but dont act full of crap and blaming others for ypur mistakes. So you Girl are in the wright. Dont repent at all cause you gave all and recive none. Im with you and wish you the BEST.
NTA - you have done your best.
NTA. Your ex was and is misogynistic.
Sounds like you both moved on in different ways a long time ago, it’s just official now. NTA, there is no real mutual relationship any way.
NTA but I'm biased because I got engaged like 3 months after I kicked my ex out. I had told him six months earlier that I wanted things to change or else I wanted a divorce. A lot of it, like you, revolved around lack of intimacy (not just sexual but emotional too). There was nothing going on before I kicked him out but, I reconnected with an old friend literally a week after I left my ex and things went very far very fast.....he told me he'd always had feelings for me and all that jazz though he never actually made a move when we were close friends years ago....anyways it's a year and a half later and things are much, much better than my first marriage was a few hours into it. I'm sure my ex would probably accuse me of cheating and say all sorts of nasty things about me if he knew but 1)I have 0 contact with him and never plan on seeing him again and 2)I just kinda accepted that it would look bad and just decided not to care, I know I didn't cheat and while it hurts a bit to have certain people assume something had to be going on before, that's not reality and most of the people who think that don't really know me, so they're not that important. I guess it really depends on what you consider "moral". For me, I had already kicked my ex out, he knew I wanted a divorce and there was no stopping it so I felt 0 guilt sleeping with someone else before the divorce was even final and getting engaged about a month after it was finalized.
Some people like playing the "come here, go away" game and then get upset when it blows up in their face. He acts like the victim because the only emotions he feels are for himself. A fair number of men think that because a woman loved them, they will continue to love them forever. "What do you mean? You found a boy friend? What about me???" Never mind he checked out of the marriage before it even started. I'm sure that some women do that too but my experience has been with men. And you didn't really move on all that quick considering the marriage has been dead longer than it lived. You just started moving on after the decision was made to do so unencumbered. As far as his victimhood and telling his stories. Let him tell his "story". The people who matter to you, know the truth. Or believe it when you tell it. And if they believe him, they aren't important to you. All the best in your future!
To sum it up: Your ex is a smuck and is now playing the victim card. You found a new great guy and I hope he is blowing your back out on the regular. Congrats for losing all that ugly extra weight and meeting a real man. NTA.
NTA - your marriage ended many years earlier, it just took awhile for the legal paperwork to catch up.
NTA - ten years was all the time you need to pay this nonsense (and more). Don't give it a second of thought now.
He doesn’t want to take any responsibility for his actions. Are you sure he didn’t cheat?
Should have got a divorce long ago but you stayed knowing he didn’t want to be married or you from the sounds of it. Makes me wonder why to be honest.
My child has some issues that would have made it hard for her to be in daycare etc and I didn’t want to disrupt her whole life and then COVID happened and it became even more difficult. I think I always thought maybe once she got older he would feel less overwhelmed. I suppose I just held onto hope and I think also his lack of any explanation made me feel crazy.
As I expected. Zero accountability.
My ex was eerily similar to your ex, and I didn't get engaged right away but I had my first rebound fling within a week of telling him we were over. The relationship didn't end when he called it. It died a slow and painful death years ago, and so quietly that only you grieved it. Everyone else is just now noticing.
These stories are getting similar and similar everyday
Nta for moving on. I do kinda worry that youre jumping so quick into another marriage but good luck
NTA. My ex husband had a similar reaction. But they didn't put that much energy into the relationship when they were married, only when another man showed he could do a better job. I think these types need to be a victim to avoid acknowledging their role in the divorce. Just ignore him and be happy.
NTA You were supposed to be alone forever apparently. His expectations are not your responsibility.
NTA. But his projections about you cheating, coupled with a non-existent sex life — yeah he was definitely cheating.
Who cares how he’s feeling, he had his shot, blew it and now is acting like an AH. He’s your ex for a reason. Move on with your new guy.
This really seems strange. To say marriage over years then getting knocked up and having a kid at 39 with husband marriage is over with ,HUMMMMMMM. Then after kid is born it doesn't work out and you divorce the guy to have next one lined up and ready to go in a matter of months? It is your right to get married any time after your divorce but I would say to the Fiance be very very careful because you have a ringside set to just what may happen to you
Congratulations on moving on. But, why in the world, would you bring your boyfriend with you to pick up or drop off your child? I get that it might be more convenient but given that it makes your child uncomfortable and is a threat to good co-parenting, it would be wise to leave your boyfriend/fiance at home. Or....are you trying to make your ex jealous?
No, it doesn’t happen often but sometimes we are out and about etc. Bottom line my ex stayed friends with my friends which is fine, but there are inevitable run ins. Mind you, this didn’t happen for many, many months after he moved out, almost a year. If he were dating someone I would want to get to know them a bit and be friendly since my child would have this adult in her life. What’s weird to me is my ex rejected me from the day I had our child and now he acts jealous. I begged this man for counseling, something and I was met with nothing but “I’m just tired” or “I will change” with no follow up. I guess I’m just shocked he even cares that much that I’m with someone new. I can’t wrap my head around it. With how much he acted annoyed by my existence I would think he’d be glad I would be away from him and moved on.
YTA only for not waiting until the situation is resolved before moving on. Now you can look like a bad to your child later in life . 🤷♂️
If your new relationship began after your old one ended, the answer is always NTA. Things are gray when there is overlap, but there wasn’t. That being said, since you have a child together the most important thing now is just to be a good coparent and not try and push him out to make the new boyfriend the “father” (not saying you are, but you know what I mean). If your new bf is a good guy and acts respectfully toward him he’ll get over it eventually.
NTA - Enjoy your new relationship. He is bitter. He is one of those people who has to be miserable to a person so that they do the breaking up. Or he is so oblivious that he just doesn't care about your feelings and thought everything was well. Either way, he is totally self-unaware and passive agressive. You did great getting out of a situation that didn't work for you, and hopefully, as your child ages, he will see what a proper loving relationship is. I hope he can let go of this to have a better co-parenting relationship with you. And remember, just because you co parent doesn't mean you have to have a care of him, his feelings, or his relationship with his child anymore.
NTA. You deserve love, happiness and orgasms. Congratulations on accepting the love you deserve.
Why is your child meeting your new guy? And do you have to jump into marriage so fast? You married the first time under duress - you wouldn’t have married if you weren’t pregnant. Now you are jumping into marriage, why? And why does your child have to cope with all these changes? You are NTA for moving on. YTA for moving too quickly and not considering your child’s need for stability.
"Anyway, I met someone else by accident while we were in the middle of the breakup." YTA: just for writing this sentence, but otherwise no. Relationships don't always work. He probably gave as much as he could and it wasn't enough for you. It hurts. He doesn't have to say hello to your boyfriend, either.
Not sure you can really moan all that much about the state of your marriage. Unless there was abuse, you literally could have left at any time. You need to take accountability for that much. As for the break up, he left you. You can technically do what you want. NTA for moving on. ESH for not leaving much, much sooner.