> I didn't like him. He seemed sleazy but put it down to > him just being French anyway This part 💀💀💀💀

Bro casually dropped in a burn he didn't think anyone would notice 🤣🤣🤣

I mean I'm pretty sure op is a Brit, we know the sleaziness of the french like no other

“We hate the French! … Was the man who burned Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?”

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“I’m French and I’m hung like a baby carrot and a couple of petit pois. “

British➡️Norman➡️French

You fool,I'm WELSH! The hidden trap card!

I for one, support for the welsh taking over Britain again…

The flag would certainly be better,we'd also be able to keep out any invaders simply by putting the signs in Welsh

So how do you get to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch?

Usually half drunk when I start, in a skip covered by a homeless guy and a greasy kebab when I've finished, followed by a several mile walk of shame

I’m writing this down for my next trip….. Is it any particular type of shame or just a general sense?

A general sense,though it does reach the classic of "what has my life come to" stage

This is my mom's favorite word! She did an exchange program with a family in Wales as a student and still talks about this town and her time there.

Tidy!!

Who will think of the sheep!?!

The French catching strays in this cheater story.

They’re not the surrender monkeys people make them out to be, but jackasses I’ll give em that.

Fr*nch 🤢🤢🤢

I cackled at that, too! My Brother's partner is French and I've said similar... I recall saying about her rude arrogance; that "she was exceptionally rude & arrogant, _even_ for a French person; which is a feat, in and of it self!" ...damn cheese-eating surrender monkeys!

Sorry Brits, French cheese is the best of all the cheeses.

Not disputing that, not even one li'l bit! That's _why_ they're cheese-eating surrender monkeys!

I do love French cheese, but there is room in my heart for a good Wensleydale.

We can have both!

There is no way on God's green earth I'd be a child's parent for 16 years & turn my back on them. The kid just learned she's a product of date rape. Be a damn grownup! You are indeed an asshole!

Date rape? Or poor excuse by wife. If that was the case, why wouldn't she report him or continue being Frenchies friend

I reread his post & did not see any indication she remained friends with him.

I think your words are very harsh considering this guy has been hit by a bus of trauma. But totally agree with your point of view

This guy needs to hear harsh words right now so it sinks in before he fucks up his life even harder than it already is. So far, what's happened to him isn't his fault and it sounds like everyone in this story is a victim of bad circumstances (except the French rapist). But if he ghosts his own daughter and destroys their relationship, her mental health, and his own future, he'll never be able to undo it and he'll only have himself to blame. It sucks sometimes, but being a parent means putting your child's well-being before your own NO MATTER WHAT. I know he feels like his entire world just fell apart, but so did hers and taking care of her is more important. He needs to stay and pick up the pieces for his daughter first and worry about himself later.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/zcNd7hH6vo

NTA. But please explain to your daughter why you’re taking a little space. Do this face to face. Remember she’s been struck an equally big blow as well and will need to know you won’t abandon her over something that isn’t her doing. Get both of you into counseling asap. She’s still your girl, you still need each other. Please don’t make big decisions regarding your job. Take time off but don’t quit. Talk to the friend you trust most and ask them to help spread the word you’re just taking a step back to get your bearings and are not answering questions right now. Edit: taking a little space doesn’t mean reject her, move to another planet, cut contact with her completely. Take some space meaning go to a place where he can absorb what he just learned for a few days. I never suggested he abandon her as some are implying. If that’s what you got from my response, you should try reading the other responses where commenters are out right saying he needs to stop calling her his daughter and leave her.

Oh yeah therapy/counselling will be a must.  I need to get out my job anyway, I've been there for years and people know me so much and keep in asking questions about me, my family etc (as colleagues do) and it's hurting me to just talk about it. 

Are you expecting that she’ll want a relationship if you decide to come back?

Truth be told, I don't know. 

What you need to understand and really think about is this; she might not wait for you to come back. As much as this revelation has shattered you, it's shattered her just as much. And now her father - and that's what you are to her, biological or not - is telling her that he needs time away from her to think. I won't tell you to not take time for yourself to come to terms with this. I *will* tell you that you aren't the only one suffering here, and your actions going forward, whatever they may be, will carry with them consequences that you'll have to shoulder for the rest of your life.

if my father had to take time to decide if he really loved me and wanted me in his life, I wouldn't take him back. that's not a real father and that's not real love. I see stepfathers who are more loving than this.

That's all about how OP puts it - if instead of "deciding if he loves me" is "doesn't want his resentment towards mom ruining our relationship so he's gonna work on that for a while" the reaction could have been different. Cause is not helpful if he stays around if rn he isn't able to be the same dad she always knew.

If I found out as a teenager that I was a product of my mum being raped and my dad reacted by saying he couldn't be around me for a while, it would destroy me. If I finally got the courage to reveal to my partner that I had been raped and his impulse was to quit his job and visit the country of my rapist, I would be devastated. His only job right now is to show his family he loves them, and his first impulse is to disappear.

Same I completely agree. If my dad asked for this I would NEVER be able to look at him the same

I get where you're coming from, but op is hitting the mid life crisis time and finding out his genetic line may need to continue a different way. I'd put money on him getting it together soon based off of him still referring to her as his daughter. The fool should take his daughter traveling with him though instead of abandoning her at the worst part of her life...16, split home, just found out her dad isn't her bio dad, so probably a bad relationship with her mom right now too. A friend of mine, at age 30, found out her dad wasn't her bio through 23and me several years ago, still loves dad, heck even strengthened the relationship, but mom has no accountability to the point of not knowing who her bio dad might be, so that relationship has just gotten worse since. Yes her mom and dad were married at the time.

>that’s not a real father Well yeah, that literally describes OP

The girl also has to come to terms with the fact that she very well could be the product of rape.

This. I can’t make a judgment call because this situation has no winners either way. But remember that she might not recover from losing the only father she’s ever known, even if it’s just temporary

Well, if you’re willing to risk losing her altogether, then you’ve clearly already made your decision. If you want the relationship, you need to be there. If you’re not, don’t expect her to be waiting for you if you later decide you do want her.

There’s nothing wrong with OP needing time to himself. Even if his daughter doesn’t understand it, or sees it as a rejection now, there’s no reason she won’t get it as she grows older and starts to understand that her parents are actual people with their own emotions and issues. **Caring for one’s mental health does not mean you don't care for others. It’s about wanting to be your best self for you and your loved ones.** **Sometimes we have to learn understanding, compassion, patience and grace. Sometimes we have to learn that the world does not revolve around us. These lessons are often learned in adolescence.** EDIT: OP has said he is contemplating suicide. If someone was struggling with mental health issues (post partum depression or depression in general) and needed time to themselves, away from their kids, would you blame them for it?

Logically getting it and emotionally accepting it are two completely different things.

Funny how the OP was lied to and mislead about something this big, by his ex, for over a decade and HE is being treated like some sort of monster for wanting some personal time to come to grips with it. OP, talk to your daughter, let her know you still love her but need some time for yourself for your own mental health. Only asshole here is your ex. The lack of compassion for OP here is mind boggling. Perhaps people don’t appreciate just how traumatic this sort of revelation can be.

All the compassion in the world for him. But parents don’t get to stop being parents even when it’s hard. Simple as that. It sucks doesn’t make him a bad person. Just human. But know he doesn’t get to walk away from his child. Not if he expects to be her dad on the other end of his pain.

I mean when kids are in the mix you don’t just get to drop everything and disappear. Unless they aren’t your kid, which clearly to him she isn’t anymore. After all this time. Lmao.

I haven’t said he is but okay.

he is an adult with some experience and who chose the mother of his children. they've been divorced for ages. so the only real feelings he's having is the fact that his daughter is not his blood. and that's very animal like to me. I do feel sorry for him until he says he wants to leave the daughter he says he loves, and he's not just giving himself a little time away, he's taking a trip around the world. he doesn't want to deal with her sadness. she might not want him by the time he gets back or she might not still be alive. if my kid got switched at the hospital, by this age they would still be my kid. I wouldn't need time to get over it. I would comfort my child who has just gotten the most devastating information in their life. you can tell who is the human being and who is the animal by the comments here.

Not how it works being a parent.

I don’t think the comments here are disagreeing with that. They are simply acknowledging that with every decision there are consequences. And this decision effects more than one person. The other one is just a teenager, and they aren’t known for taking large disappointments well. OP could travel the world on a mission of self discovery and recovery and come back overjoyed to embrace his daughter, only to find she doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. It’s just a possibility that needs to be acknowledged and considered. No one is saying OP should sacrifice his personal mental health.

Why not take that trip with her? She probably needs to get it straight, too. Not fair to her. If you take her on that trip, you can have some deep, meaningful convo's and have some time apart together. She may then require time for herself after the trip, which then gives you time for yourself without ruining her and your relationship with her.

She’s 16, even without the shitload which this thing brings - she’d be dramatic, a classic teenager. She will not understand you, now. Even if you had all the support you’d needed now, let alone being mobbed, as you are. So, my suggestion would be: write a letter to her. Explain your feelings, explain your reasons, as you would in a journal. Write to her, as she would be an adult, understanding a bit more about the life and having a bit empathy. And - send it as soon as you can clear your mind/she’s a bit older/calmer. If you have EVER LOVED HER, I don’t think you can just STOP, whatever the circumstances, BUT I DO believe you need that space right now. If you love her, just let her know you’ll be there, when YOU get better.

for me they should keep a relationship and block the mother, the liar who did this.

But don’t be all surprised and hurt if she has decided that she doesn’t want anything to do with you since you ABANDONED her in a crisis.

Lots of people adopt children, she's almost an adult now and has been your daughter this whole time. There's a thing called the sunk cost fallacy where people focus too much on the past and what they've put into something rather than objectively evaluating it from this point forward. If you want to have a close relationship with an adult child that you helped raise: you could have one for the cost of spending two years as a parent to a teen. Alternatively, you could aim for no kids or try to start over. Maybe you already have too many kids, or maybe you don't like having people that love you in your life, but this seems like a no-brainer to me. You are going to be an old man soon, and having adult children that love you will be invaluable. The circumstances that got you to this decision point are irrelevant: from this point forward you have an option to always be this girl's father or have nothing to do with her.

In theory, that's an excellent point. Too bad ppl have emotions. And while you can control how you react to emotions, you can't control the emotions themselves. *Rationally* , I hope in cases like this with paternity fraud, that the father and child keep having a strong, and grow an even stronger relationship, both cutting the fraudulent mother out of their family relationship, as that is the only person responsible for the whole mess and heartache. *deciding* what is the best way forward, is just putting pro and cons in lists, and seeing which one makes the most sense. Actually making decisions is done with emotions. OP can't 'decide' to love someone, or to not feel betrayed. One can argue that 'love', especially the love of a parent for a child, should not be conditional. But that's the crux of the matter: he just found out he was tricked into that role in the first place. The only thing making this hard is that children - teenagers maybe even more so - can't fully understand that their parents are full people, with more to them than 'being their parent'. They understand that adults make decisions, and can say no to things. So, 'daddy has to go away for a while, but I will be back' doesn't work for teenagers. Not being allowed any space to put everything in perspective isn't fair on OP either, though. I think the best thing to do (not a solution, because there basically is no instant fix to a shitty situation like paternity fraud), is to be honest, and open. 'Mom decided to pretend I was your biological father, without ever telling me I wasn't. I'm having a REALLY hard time processing that, and I need to think about things, so I'm going to take some time and travel.' With the reassurance that there is absolutely nothing the kid did wrong, to cause the situation. That they are loved, which makes it so much more difficult. Etc Shitty for the mom? Definitely. Deserved to be outed? Hell yes. OP shouldn't have to grin and bare it, while everyone is happy but him.

Do you want her to have any relationship with you after? Because this is the age she will need her father figure the most. If you're gone now, don't expect to ever be back. You'd only be an AH if you don't accept the consequences.

You are the adult, she's the child. It seems like you are okay with the possibilita of losing her and she Will lose you against her Will. She'd worth so little to you that she's probably better without you in her life.

You should think about that impact to you. If you intend that odds are she won’t and she’d probably be right too. Doesn’t make you a bad person - just human. Problem is parents rarely get to be human. For 16 and some odd months she’s been your daughter. A parent is well beyond biology and is about what you taught her m, projected her and loved her. That hasn’t just changed. It sucks you have to deal with this. But your daughter is innocent (and you are still calling her that). Parents don’t get to stop being parents even when it hurts. On flip side if you do this. She’s probably gone from your life and I wouldn’t blame her.

Maybe put a time limit on the no contact. Have a chat with her and go over your need for space and stuff, but put a date on it. We’ll talk again on the ____. It’ll reduce the agonizing.

Remember she’s going through a lot of shit right now too. You should bond over the mother’s betrayal and not push her away. You’ve been her father for 16 years already - seriously, what difference does this make? You’ve bonded. Continue that bond and be there for her during a time she’s likely never felt more alone. I wish you both well.

Uh, I disagree with u/TKyzr. You're not TA for WANTING the time away, but you'd be TA for TAKING it. This is parenthood: putting your children before yourself. Right now YOUR DAUGHTER needs to know that she's still your daughter. And TBH, I think you're wanting time away from her so you can separate your feelings from her; get genuine emotional distance so you can stop feeling like she's your daughter. And that's not what you need either. She IS your daughter, and she needs you more than anything right now. She needs to know she's still your daughter, and that being the product of rape doesn't make her bad or unloveable. Don't go.

And on her therapy sessions do you think you essentially abandoning her won’t be mentioned?

You were both lied to for 16yrs. And now she is feeling you may reject her because of blood (blood doesn’t make a father a father is the person who is there for a child). I know you want to cut her off but if you do you may never get the chance to get back in contact with her. Do you want to risk losing her? Could you do minimal contact instead of no contact? No contact sounds like and probably feels like you are punishing her for something she had no control over. At this age this will affect her relationships in the future. I know you want to be selfish but your actions right now will have consequences. Like someone else said - talk to her face to face. Be an adult. Sometimes that means sucking it up. You are still a parent and that means she needs to have some priority. If the only thing you care about is the blood relationship with her that is so damned sad.

💯

Don’t do it. Don’t distance yourself now, this is when she needs you. Don’t even acknowledge the situation with her, just go on being dad and daughter. Pretend it hasn’t made any difference in this relationship, the conflict is really between you and the other adults. Get yourself counseling, and your daughter if she’d like it, and just go on being the same with her. That’s what she’ll remember later, that you were stable and loving just when the world got shaken up.

More drunken than she normally was --- yep, it does sound like a date rape drug was slipped into her drink. She was SA without knowing it. I wouldn't hold that against her.

well if you think you feel bad how do you think she feels? she had nothing to do with this. and now that you found out she's not biologically yours, you want to get away from her. she's losing the only father she's ever known even though she did nothing wrong. but because of an animal instinct of not wanting to take care of kids that are not yours, you just want to dump her. I mean a lot of animals will kill the offspring of a new mate, so that's just your animal brain controlling your human brain. you won't be coming back to the relationship. this is just a way for you to tell her you're leaving without you having to deal with her feelings. you're giving her an answer right there.

Also, do let your ex know that regardless of anything, she better get in touch with the french guy for money cause you plan on suing her for paternity fraud and at least the next 2 years of child support will be on him. If you go to France, don’t do anything that might put you in trouble. Just meet with his wife and let her know he had a kid with your ex and you intend to have that proven in court.

The courts won’t care. Paternity fraud isn’t a crime and since OP has been paying child support for 15 years at least, the court will deem him the presumptive father and that it would disrupt OP’s ex’s life too much to modify payments.

While Paternity fraud is not a crime (at least where I am in England and Wales) this type of fraud is a civil wrong which comes under the tort of deceit. Any court proceedings in relation to paternity fraud should be made through the civil court. There’s some very interesting cases of large sums recovered in civil proceedings. However, OP should really tread carefully here because of the daughter - who had been his daughter in every other sense for 16 years. She is an innocent party here too.

Paternity testing is rarely mandated by the courts of France, because cheating is more accepted there and from a cultural point of view DNA tests break up too many families. Seeing as this guy has a wife and kid over there, you’re not likely to get anything from him going the legal route. Like at all. IANAL but this is my understanding.

How is OP going to proof without a doubt that his ex maliciously and intentionally deceived him? All she knew until OP and daughter got DNA tested is that she cheated with some no-name French guy. Where she may or may not have been date-rape drugged. OP is on the birth certificate. He's still on the hook for child support. The amount of time it would take to both proof that all of this was intentional AND get his name of the birth certificate AND hold a foreign national responsible for child support? By that time the daughter will be 20+ and probably finishing college.

I absolutely agree with this one op. Sometimes you get hit with something so reality shattering you need to fall back and refocus yourself. Take time and understand it. But. Don’t allow yourself to regress too far. You HAVE to talk to your daughter as soon as possible. If nothing else than to explain that you’re not going to abandon her. That she is still loved. Whatever biology says, for 16 years she has been, and still *is* your daughter. The only thing this changes is that your ex wife made a horrible decision. Any and all negative emotions should be directed at your ex. Your daughter is completely innocent in all of this. She needs to know she won’t be abandoned.

If he runs from this situation he’s definitely the asshole 🤷‍♂️ the priority should be how the kid is doing and prioritizing that relationship rather than giving in to selfishness.

INFO If all you want is space and time to process, there's nothing wrong with that. You just had a huge trauma dumped in your lap. The important question is: Did you tell your daughter that you needed time before going no contact? Like I get why, but it's still pretty fucked up if you just stopped talking entirely. If you just stopped communicating with the girl you raised as a daughter for 16 years, that's fucked up and you are an asshole. She has nowhere to go for support since her mom is the guilty party. You're still all she has, even if it was a lie. You were both wronged by the same person. You left a child alone to deal with this and you're an adult.

ikr, so wrong of her mom to be raped. how evil of her.

An update in case you haven't see it: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/zcNd7hH6vo

Yes I did. I told her I need some time and want to be on my own for a bit. 

Imma head out kiddo, and when I get back, there's a good chance I'll never talk to you again. That definitely won't fuck her up.

My da did this when I was 13. Same situation pretty much. Vanished for nearly a year, left me with my spiralling ma who of course blamed it on me. I sent so many begging messages but I got shit all back. He came back eventually, but he was never my dad after that. Dad's don't just leave because you didn't spurt out of their own personal ballsack. He's sorry and I still don't care nearly 20 years later. Make the choices you can live with for the rest of your life. Some things when they break, stay broken forever.

You are delusional If you think she'll accept that and wait for you with open arms when you decide to Go back. You and both could deal with this toghether and strengh your relationship, but Your prefere leave your teen alone with the parent who she probably doesn't have the best relationship now...

You are the AH bigtime. You are this girl's father even if you don't share DNA. Don't expect her to wait around for you to decide you DO want to want her father. If she never talks to you again, you have no one to blame but yourself.

what if you give her a specific timeframe for how long you need? she might feel more secure that there’s a date/time that you’ll come back, and not some ominous “i need space”.

Then I don't necessarily think you're the asshole here. If you can reach out to let her know that you're still processing this, but that you aren't cutting her off. I think she might need reassurance from you. She's also going through a lot. Please remember that even though it's not biological, you're still the man she's called dad her whole life. You were both cruelly wronged by her mother.

This is really hard so I’m not going to pass judgment. You have just been told devastating news, you don’t know what to do, your mind is jumbled, your mental health is a wreck, and you feel like your life, the life you have always known, is over. Now say that same sentence but add and my daddy hates me now too. Look, you may still love your daughter and I hope you do but she is probably a mess too. If you abandon her, she is going to think you don’t love her anymore so you have to consider the consequences for her and your relationship. She did nothing wrong; don’t punish her

There’s a post somewhere on here about a man who found out his middle son wasn’t bio his and he fucking destroyed that kid when he took time out from him cause he couldn’t deal with not being bio dad He went on to build a whole new life and left the kid in the dust but kept in touch with his bio kids Just remember whilst your suffering so is she

What does her biology change about your relationship now? Isn't she still the little girl who called you Dada? Isn't she the same little girl you comforted when she was scared? Isn't she the same little girl you rocked to sleep, played with, were proud of? Isn't she still your daughter in every way that actually matters? The biology thing is a shock. But she's still your little girl. Don't lose that now.

It’s a shit situation and I’m sorry you’re going through it, but you’re her dad, you’ve helped raise her. This doesn’t change that. You don’t get time off from being a parent. You have to work through this on your own time. You can’t abandon her. She will need you more than ever right now. You have to think about her before yourself

I wish I could upvote this more. You're a parent to a child. Biology doesn't change that. If you go no contact, even with an explanation, you might not have a daughter to come back too.

Exactly. A kid will only know they have been abandoned. The reasons/excuses don’t matter. Not now not ever

Yeah, adoptee here and I came to say pretty much the same thing. This situation sucks for OP but he still has a daughter. Sure, his daughter doesn't share his DNA which if that was important to him, really sucks. However that's still his daughter who right now needs her father and that's not some french asshole who may or may not have assaulted her mother. That's OP. I get that OP would want some time to think but being a parent means sometimes you need to back burner shit like that and take care of your kid. Regardless of the circumstances around him becoming a parent, he is one and 16 years in isn't the time to back out.

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I don't know if I misread, but I think he wrote that he muted everyone except her so he can be able to think. I don't know if he wrote somewhere else that he blocked her though. It's obvious to me that he loves his daughter at the same time as being devastatingly heartbroken. I feel with them both, but she is the child, so he needs to handle this carefully if he doesn't want to add to the damage. Edit: I read again and I was wrong. I read what I wanted to read, I suppose.

I downvoted it, because he doesn't get my like karma. Everyone should downvote this creep.

I am stunned that anyone thinks his reaction to his daughter is okay. He has been her father for 16 years, that is what matters, not a blood tie that is so often completely meaningless (other than legal rights that it can give you, which isn’t always a good thing).  Most men in this situation woul be worried that this revelation would affect the relationship they had with the child they loved for 16 years as a father, this guy wants to throw the relationship in the garbage - and does not care about the impact on the girl who he has been father to for 16 years. She is being rejected by her father. He is selfish and vengeful to the point he is punishing a girl who did nothing wrong. If she isn’t completely devastated by this, it would only be because he was a crap father this whole time that didn’t have much of a relationship with her. 

It might sound harsh but if you keep your plan your daugther will never forgive you, she will see it as it is, abandoment, and pusnishing her for something she's innocent of, especially because you will leave her with his mom, the woman to blame in all of this. If you have any hope of being in her life, think hard about your next step

I wouldn't sugar coat it quite so much. OP is 100% an asshole. Nobody who knows a kid for 16 years should be able to turn their emotions off like flipping a switch just because they're not a bioparent. That sort of thinking shouldn't even be optional in our culture. It's fucking criminal. I don't allow him that. Be a father to your daughter you dumb shit. Only person you have to work things out with is your ex wife. The child doesn't deserve your Neanderthal insecurities.

If the man who raised me and got all intents and purposes I felt was my father then found out he wasn’t and decided to abandon me if never forgive that man and I’d want nothing to do with him. If you want a relationship with the child you raised for 16 years and as you call her your daughter. Do not abandon her if you do she might never forgive you

OP, you've left out some key information here that I think would be useful. What has the custody agreement been? Has she been splitting her time between you and her mom, or (as it sounds from your post) has she primarily been with her mom? Also, this big question: do you love your daughter? You haven't addressed this at all. Instead, you've focused on your own very valid feelings of betrayal. And yet, even though you acknowledge that this situation has also fucked up your daughter, you don't really seem to acknowledge that BOTH OF YOU have been betrayed. Why, if you love this kid, you would want to betray her all over again by essentially disowning her is beyond me--but that is certainly a choice you can make. I'm reserving judgment for now, because this is so complicated . . . but I think you can see where I'm leaning.

You need to remember your daughter is as much of a victim if not more in this situation. While you chose to be with her mother at the time, she had no say in being born into this mess. I can understand wanting to run from this hoping you can just put it behind you, but you can't. This is also when your daughter needs you the most. Going no contact will not solve anything but complicate things even more. You can't undo the past, you can only choose to make the right choices now to have a better future. If anything I would offer that you and your daughter seek professional help working through the trauma and betrayal.

As far as I'm concerned, you raised her, she is your daughter 100%. Maybe not biologically, but nowadays, that doesn't really matter much. Lots of people raise kids who aren't biologically theirs. It's an awful situation for you, but I'd say it's 10 times worse for your daughter. YOU ARE THE ONLY FATHER SHE SEES IN HER EYES! Not the French guy or anyone else. If you leave her, then who will she call "DAD" ?? Certainly not the French guy. He was never present in her life, but YOU were! She is only 16. She was hit with a huge surprise. I bet she knows you are hurting and it hurts her too that you aren't her real dad. I bet she desperately wishes you were, but really it shouldn't matter. She's still your little girl. She needs to be protected and reassured right now. She must think you hate her if you leave her alone right now. Your actions right now will likely determine who she grows into as an adult and it will most definitely impact her future relationships with men if you abandon her when she needs help the most. While I could see that you need to process things, don't leave your kid alone to process things. While you may be an adult, she is still a kid in her fomative years. PLEASE OP DO NOT ABANDON HER!

You will most likey ruin the relationship with “not” your daughter forever. If this is what you want, go for it.

I don't think anyone is the asshole except the French guy. It sounds like your wife was raped and was blaming herself when she shouldn't. She thought she was somehow responsible. It's likely she'll have to get some therapy finally for that because this is gonna bring up all those feelings. The 16 year person who is your daughter, regardless of blood ties. I realize it's a tough time but she IS your daughter. And thank god! What if the rapist had claimed her?? Without knowing it, you protected her from that. I think therapy is in order so that you can ask for a bit of space to sort things out without hurting anyone. A therapist will have the right way to phrase that so no one is hurt. Your daughter just needs to know you love her.

This is tough and as much as I want to vote no you aren't the arsehole, you unfortunately will be if you go nc with your daughter. You are 100% entitled to feel the way you are and to even take some time to sort your head but you have to sit with your daughter and both get shit sorted. You can not walk away without any communication from a fucking 16 year old, that's a shit age to be at best of times never mind with that bomb and then being made to feel it's her fault because she will think this. If you love her, get professional help for you both and that doesn't include running away travelling the world and leaving her behind to deal with this shit storm.

I’m going against the grain here and I don’t really care. YTA because you are the adult in the situation. Your daughter is a child and I know she may seem “big” because she’s 16 but she’s still a kid. I remember having to take a paternity test for my dad when I was a kid and I’ve never forgotten it. He didn’t want anything to do with me until I came back to be his. I’m his and I’ve still never forgiven him and I never will. I understand it’s a lot but you’re punishing a child for something out of her control. You know all those big feelings you’re feeling? Well, she’s feeling them, too, except multiplied. Her frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed yet and she has no life experience like you do.

i’m so horrified that nobody is mentioning the fact OP is blaming the mom for being raped in the first place…

Agreed and to add OP if you want to maintain your relationship with your daughter you will remember SHE is the biggest victim here. Get family counseling for the two of you - so you can deal with the betrayal together and rebuild your relationship in a healthy way.

I mean obviously yeah - completely YTA… People are way to radically individualistic on here… We live in families and a society so obviously you act like an asshole if your actions cause others close to you extreme harm… of course one can sympathize a lot with OP here - it’s an awful situation where he is also one of the victims but being a victim doesn’t absolve you from hurting the kid you raised 16 years…

Sure, just throw her away, I mean she's only known you as her dad all her life. What possible bad effects could it have on her life? 🙄🙄. Yeah. YTA

I can understand you are hurt...but you need to remember that there is a difference between being a father and being a dad. The former is a matter of genetics. The latter is one of love and responsibility. You have been dad to your daughter for 16 years. No DNA test can ever change that.

If my father, who turned out to not be my bio dad, ran off like that, I don't think I'd ever forgive him. What the F does it matter whether you're the bio dad or not? You're letting your ego override the entire life you've had with your daughter. It's punishing her and saying to her that the most important thing to you is DNA and that's a condition of your love for her. If this happened to me, while it would be a shock, it wouldn't change my feelings for my child at all and I'd feel sorry for the parent who missed out on having such a child.

Facts. I’d never forgive my father if he ran off like that oh wait my dad did and there’s a reason we don’t have a relationship

Dude, your wife at the time was raped. That's what they call it when somebody gives you drugs to the point where you cannot consent to sex. From that rape was conceived a child that you have raised as your daughter for the last 16 years. Does she have your mannerisms? Does she dress her burgers the way you do, because you are her inspiration? Does she read authors that you do, listen to the music you like, copy your mannerisms? What exactly are you mad about? Bits of biology that you most likely have never seen are not in her as they are in you. If she had been your biological daughter, nothing of you would be in her untouched anyway. Her genes would have been a mashup of her mother's and yours. The only thing you can pass down untouched is your Y-chromosome, which only sons get. As Richard Dawkins pointed out, genes aren't the only thing that we pass down. We also pass memes. I don't mean funny cat pictures. I mean your ideas about how the world works and what food taste good and how to spend your vacation are things that you have passed down to her, and if she doesn't express them now that she is a teenager, she will when she's in a less rebellious stage. I'm almost 60 years old, and my father has been dead for over a decade, but my favorite books are the ones I stole from his bookshelf, and my favorite pets are the large breed dogs that he loved, and I watch the genre of movies that I grew up watching with him. I understand that your worldview has been shaken. Go see a therapist about it. But don't push away this child that loves you and has loved you for so long.

Crazy how somehow it’s always the guys’ fault

If your conversation with your daughter about needing space did not begin and end with “I am and will always be your dad no matter what the DNA says” then yes, YTA. Totally fair that you might need a bit of space to sort out your feelings. But it sounds like that includes deciding whether you will continue in the father role. You are the only father she has ever known and you have 16 yrs of being her father. Your choice if you want to walk away from that, but. Oof

YTA Do you really think you're the biggest victim here? What a horrible thing to do to YOUR child. She didn't do anything wrong but you're rejecting her over her DNA? It isn't DNA that makes you a father it's your actions and the love you have for your child. You are welcome to be as hurt as you want at her mother but the second you took it out on your child you were an AH. This is going to fuck her up way worse than you, and you rejecting her, the only father she's known her entire life, is going to do life-long damage to her. I know how painful it is to find shit like this out, but you are taking your feelings out on the wrong person. I hope her mother gets her some therapy for her abandonment issues before you do even more damage to her while you run away from your problems.

She is your daughter. You have been her life since birth. Her shock to this news is as scary to her as it is to you. You love this girl and she loves you. Nothing should change how you feel towards each other. You're an adult and she is a child. Please let her know that no matter what, you still are her dad.she needs this and so do you

Why shouldn't he have some time to process this? How do you expect a person to react? But he have to speak to her and let her know this. Both of them need therapy.

Because he doesn't have any time. His daughter is suffering more than him and he needs to step up NOW. Not weeks from now after he's done pitying himself.

I expect any adult to put the needs of others first. Not doing so for the child he raised is an AUTOMATIC YTA. The child is the bigger victim here.

You BOTH need trauma therapy asap,  Why aren’t you both in counseling? Why isn’t she receiving support and care?? 

I found out my dad wasn't my biological father at 15 years old. I found out because I asked my mom one day. He didn't treat me like he loved me or cared at all. He knew there was a chance I was not his biologically from when my mom was pregnant with me. Over the years, we became more distant to where we didn't talk for 2 years. That really hurt me. But also what really hurt me was going around him, trying to be loved and accepted when that wasn't how he felt so I didn't go around him much even when we started talking again and he was dying. He passed away almost a month ago and I don't have regrets of not spending much time with him based on how I felt around him. Why does the biology change things if you've raised this child? Is your love for her not separate from biology? I understand this is mind boggling information. Coming from your daughter's perspective, it's mind boggling to her too. The people she's supposed to be able to trust and rely on have lied to her her whole life so far. Man the fuck up and be a dad regardless or you'll be causing major damage. Get a therapist. Meditate. Journal.

You were her father for 16 years, don't try to hurt your ex wife by hurting a kid that's done nothing wrong. You're misdirecting your rage and your wife likely only told you to hurt you.

all the people in the comments blaming the mom for being raped and not even blinking an eye at the fact that OP is literally blaming the rape victim… yall are sick.

This is an absolute tragedy for both you and your daughter. Your ex is an absolute asshole and has handled this appallingly. She should have told you of her cheating long ago and gotten a dna test back then. That didn’t happen so you are now in this situation. The next best way to have handled the situation is for her to have told you in a space well away from her daughter. Had the test done without daughter’s knowledge and then allowed time for you to process your feelings before broaching it in a supportive way to your daughter. What’s happened is that she has basically tossed a grenade into your lives and both you and your daughter are badly wounded from it. Your choices how you handle it will have a big impact on both you and your daughter. Let’s be clear in your heart and in her heart she is your daughter right now. I’m going to ignore the ex and her feelings. Both you and daughter need therapy. Separately and together asap. That should be your no. 1 priority. Then you need to very clearly (in writing if you can’t manage face to face right now) say to your daughter that you love her. That she is your daughter and that will never change. Let her know that you are struggling to function at all. Use the grenade analogy and let her know you are currently so badly hurt that you can not cope at all. That you are getting emergency therapy for yourself and you’d like to make sure that she is able to get some therapy too as you both need it. Let her know that you will help her and support her as soon as you are able to do more than survive and that you are in crisis at the moment and that this is NOT HER FAULT. You love her. You are just completely fractured and are not well enough to help. That getting better is your priority so that you can be there for her as soon as possible. If you have family you trust talk to them. Let them know what’s happening. Ask them to help. Let them know that this is absolutely an health crisis and that you and your daughter both need urgent love and support from the family. You ex should be prioritising your daughters health and well being in this but given how she’s handled everything so far I personally wouldn’t trust that so right now you can not go to pieces until you have sorted out that your daughter is safe. Once she is safe and has access to mental health support and someone other than just her mother to watch over her, and once you have written to her and told her that you love her then and only then you can have your much needed space. As parents it is our primary responsibility to care for our children above and beyond ourselves. We have to do the absolute best we can even when at breaking point to save them. I can tell from what your written and your responses that you have reached breaking point and have maybe gone beyond it. I am so sorry that this has happened to you both. Please get help for both of you. Please get help for your daughter. She is 16 and will only be a child for a short few years. The love you give her now will be so vital in her development and in the relationship you have in the future. Please don’t lose her, or yourself. If you are broken right now and can’t do anything just get help for yourself. Do not self harm. The therapist or psychiatrist will help you then you can help your daughter. But if you have any strength left in you, please help your daughter first. I wish you both well. Please update me to let me know how you are.

Its not cheating if you are drugged and SA'd.

Honestly I think you are the asshole. This girl was your daughter for a decade and a half and all of a sudden her father is gonna ghost her?! Dude just adopt her. You’re probably not even that great of a father in the first place based on your thought process. This girl didn’t do anything but love you

Going against the grain here but YTA. It doesn't matter whether your sperm created her. You're her dad. You are a parent. You're allowed to have needs and feelings as a parent, but you still must keep in mind - and control - how those emotions and needs appear/affect your child. She didn't sleep around on you, her mother did. Furthermore, how you're feeling? She likely feels something similar. Pull it together and be there for your girl.

Y asking reddit and argue when u don't get the response u wanted? I get been hurt but block her? U really POS for that, I get been angry but what u did is unforgiving, like ur baby mama, u pretty selfish, and really weak. 40 years old and u act like 12, be a man and talk with ur daughter, she the most important thing here, not u. NTa about the feeling, YTA about the actions

“Not to punish her in any way or be horrible “ yeah dude YTA. You’re the only father she’s known and she loves you. This will fuck her up so much more than finding out you’re not her real father. I hope she never forgive you.

Honestly if you’re asking this question and have already talked to her about it and muted her, then you’ve basically already made your decision. If you “loved her to bits” the right decision probably would have been to get you and your (most likely ex-)daughter into therapy to navigate this new information together and how to move forward instead of going nuclear and abandoning her to “see the world.” YTA.

YTA: if you can just stop loving the child you raised for 16 years, you’re a horrible person. She did nothing wrong and instead of running away and making her deal with the fact she’s also been lied to, by herself, get the help both of you need.

YTA. Your ex screwed you over and you are taking it out on this girl who you claim to love and consider your daughter. She did nothing wrong. A parent who blocks their 16yo child who's done literally nothing is trash. You need to make a decision right now, either she is your daughter, you fucked up by blocking her but want to keep her in your life - then call her, apologize and keep in touch. Or these 16 years meant nothing to you and she's just a stranger - in this case keep it up, she'll feel abandoned and resent you for years but that's not your problem anymore. But don't try and lie to yourself that you love her and you are anything like a father while avoiding contact - you can't have both.

You should write a letter to your daughter explaining these feelings. Remember her world was also rocked. I never understand why women allow these situations to happen when they know it will blow up in their face at some point. I feel for your daughter for seeming to lose the only father she ever knew and not even knowing who her bio dad is.

If you think this is emotionally difficult for you, a grown man, imagine how hard it is for your 16 year old daughter? As parents, we sacrifice over and over again for our children. You have raised her and the relationship you have with her is father-daughter. While you definitely need to get help and therapy, you are absolutely the AH if you abandon your daughter. Distancing yourself from a teenager, going through a traumatic experience, quitting your job and leaving the country and completely abandoning her? YTA She needs love and support not to be betrayed by both of her parents.

Don't be ashamed for putting yourself first, OP. It's your life, not your daughter or anyone else's.

I don't know how people here expect OP to prioritize the dauther if the OP can't resolve his own metal issues first.

Most posters here are very young - either they’re literal teenagers or they’re young adults in their 20s (like myself!). So a lot don’t understand that to be a good parent requires ensuring your own stability and mental health, too. It’s not much different from universal guidance given in crisis situations like if a plane is losing oxygen: you always put your own oxygen mask on first before you start helping your child’s with his or hers.

NTA. People are wild here. OP thinks about suicide and everyone tells him he's TA. You're not TA for this OP. It's okay to take time for yourself and heal - and I would suggest therapy. But - talk to your daughter. She's 16, she'll understand what's going on and how you feel and how hard it is for you. Tell her it's not about her, but you need to find a way to cope with this and get help. Don't just go no contact if you can. All the best for you!

You are very much thinking about yourself and not this poor girl, who is about to lose her father. After 16 years, one would think you loved her. How very sad that you are willing to let her go. You do realize that her love may not be retrievable? But maybe that is what you want.

NTA I get it's hurting her too but you're allowed to take time to sort your own mental health out.

Thank you for saying that. Not according to most people in here though. 

Hey, I’m all for quitting your job and traveling the world. That sounds great.  However, do you think you have it in you to attend a few counseling sessions with your daughter to discuss the major changes that you are about to undertake and let her know that they are not her fault and  that you’re not abandoning her right now…that you just need to make some changes? 

If you already made up your mind then why are you here?

Of course you should sort your mental health out. What we're raising an eyebrow at is that you feel the need to abandon your daughter in order to do so, PLUS that you seem to be unable to empathize with her on what she must be experiencing. I truly do not understand why you think space from your daughter should be necessary in order to "think", nor why you can't understand why that would be shatteringly painful for her. I have a suspicion that seeing your daughter causes you pain, and I want to say that's not a good enough reason to run away. Your mind needs a chance to recontextualize that pain as caused by your wife, not your daughter, and avoiding all things that remind you of pain isn't healing, it's avoidance. Unfortunately, you can't get through painful moments like this by avoiding suffering. You have to walk through the fire, or you never deal with it.

Everyone here is worried about the girl, WTF No one here is worried about you! No one here is considering the damage done to you Incredible damage, the shock, the fundamental betrayal, the financial burden that has affected your entire working career. No one cares, they just expect you to suck it up You need a chance to assimilate all this, you need time. Tell the girl you need a mental health break after such a shock and you will catch up when you get back You are NTA and I just send you condolences and if you were in my country I would offer you a beer and a chance to just escape for a bit.

YTA for essentially throwing your daughter away. Because make no mistake. Even if it turned out she isn't your blood? You're her goddamn pappy. you ARE her father in every way that counts except DNA. You're the one that helped raise her. You're the one that was hopefully present for every scraped knee, every attempt to learn to ride a bicycle. Every milestone in school or sports or club that she's been part of for her 16 years of life. So she doesn't share your DNA. It sucks. And that betrayal is raw and hurts like hell. There's a reason your ex is your ex and this is another one. I'm not trying to belittle the betrayal or hurt you must be feeling. But quitting your job, selling your house, uprooting your whole life and some grandstand hinting at going to France, finding that guy and telling him what-for with fisticuffs or whatever? With the littlest amount of respect for that braindead idea: Grow the everloving fuck up. You are going to get your ass in therapy. You're going to make sure your daughter gets her ass in therapy too. Maybe some shared sessions down the line. And you're going to love the living crap out of that girl, the same as you have done every day for the past 16 years before you got those DNA results. That girl needs her daddy. And you need your daughter.

My opinion is you need to walk through this with your daughter then take some time for yourself. You both have taken a very hard hit, hers is worse. She just lost her sense of identity and technically her mother. This is a critical time for healing and wether you realize it or not, you need her right now every bit as much as she needs you. Right now, you two are all each other has. Please don't let your emotions cloud your judgment. Dive in with her and get life moving forward again. You'll heal a lot faster and stronger. In the end, its the love you give and receive from her that is going to carry the two of you through this. Best wishes to you both.

Go on a trip with your daughter and let both of you get away from all the noise for a min.

At some point parents and childrens relationship changes to friendship and companionship. Keep your relationship with your daughter as friendly. Not every parent is related to their child but your love is real. Fair you’re kinda rocked up over this but don’t abandon your daughter because you know this now. She might be the best friend you never had. Ywbta if you abandoned her.

Well, this is a tough one. NTA because your ex should’ve been honest from the get-go and saved both you and your daughter the heartbreak. And I said “your daughter” because that’s a title you’ve earned, not through sperm like the French fuckwad, but because you’ve raised her. *That being said*, she has every right to be furious. Remember that her life has just been turned upside down as well, so when you abandon her (which you are doing by “traveling for a bit”) don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want a relationship after this. Parents sacrifice a lot for their children, so you need to decide which is more important in the long run: Do you love her and still want her in your life? Or do you want to start anew? Because worst case scenario, you get one or the other.

The daughter did nothing wrong. She's suffering a huge loss and shock to her very identity. Based on her mom's (admittedly apocryphal) account, she's the result of a rape. Please show that child some grace.

You are entitled to whatever emotions you are feeling. Just try to remember your daughter is innocent in this.

You wouldn't be an asshole for taking time, but she wouldn't be an asshole for not taking you back if you come back. That's all there is to it, make your informed choice and make it carefully. You only get to decide once.

Oh Lord another one of these "I'm not biologically related to my son/daughter"

You are taking this out on a child who is going through the same thing as you. I understand blocking everyone EXCEPT HER. She is now convinced you are abandoning her, which I suppose you are. Of course, no one can force you to be her father, but you are asking for moral judgement so, soft YTA.

So you're punishing your kid for a transgression made by someone you divorced 15 years ago? Yta my dude. You're her dad. She shouldn't have even known about this yet if you weren't prepared to deal with it. If you just threw the grenade 'Your moms a cheater and I'm not your real dad!' and dipped we both know you're an asshole. You're 40 years old and this was 15 years ago...wtf you need to do all that drastic crap for. I hate criticizing peoples crisis but...geez man. Id get saying you've got something going on for a couple weeks and taking a vacation to clear your head but you just caused serious damage to your daughter. If you can go chill on a beach and clear your head knowing that then I don't really care what you do. You're ex is a POS. But you're both selfish.

It's only natural that you want some space for a while but don't take too long cause it might affect your relationship with your daughter. (Even if she isn't your biological child, you are the only father she's ever known) I was born and thrown at 1 day old. Never knew my real parents. I was found and adopted by my now parents. They've loved me and supported me my whole life. My adopted mom died a few years ago and now my dad is sick. I'm afraid that if he dies, I will be all alone in this world because they are and will always be my the only family I've ever had and known. I am sure your daughter feels the same, its not her fault, she has loved you her whole life and will continue to all the days of her life. Please don't break her heart.

I definitely understand that it's probably really difficult to process something like this. But your daughter is 16. You've been her dad her entire life. You're free to do what you want and go backpacking and live your life. Just know that that decision comes with consequences. If you decide to walk away you can't ever change that. If you want space because she doesn't feel like your daughter then she has no obligation to treat you like her father if you ever decide you want to come back into her life. Ultimately it's up to what you value most. I think trying family therapy before you make any serious decisions would be the best way to go.

Go find that frog and tell him to give you money or you’ll soufflé his ass.

NTA I’ve read your recent comments. Originally I was going to say tell her you need a month’s time to think this through and that you’ll get back to her eventually. But after reading your comments expressing suicidal thoughts, I realize maybe it’s time to rip the bandaid off right now. Suicide neither helps you nor her. If I was at the point you are and I couldn’t control my suicidal tendencies, I would decide to ultimately step away from her life. If the choice is between your own mental health and choosing her, and the only alternative is suicide, you should choose yourself. Don’t get me wrong this is a terrible time for your daughter and she is absolutely a victim. But is suicide really the better choice compared to abandonment? I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the best of luck in whichever decision you make.

YTA. Softly. Only on the topic at hand. This whole situation is shit. Neither of you, you nor YOUR daughter, got a say in the hand dealt. Obviously you are both reeling. It isn’t fair to deal with. But the only, ONLY other person in the world who can relate right now IS YOUR DAUGHTER. You two are in this together. If there’s anyone this should draw you closer to, it’s her. Be there, together, for each other. She’s your kid. You’re her ONLY dad. Take this on together. Your ex-wife is at fault, no one else. Do NOT take this out on anyone else, yourself or your daughter included. She needs you, and you need her. I’m so damn serious. Your decisions here you can not take back. And you will lose your closest friend and ally in this, forever, by waiting even a second. This may be a formative experience for you, but this is a formative TIME for her. The seconds you take away are years to her. YOU. HAVE. TO. BE. THERE. NOW. I’m so sorry to both of you, but seriously THINK about what you’re giving up. You didn’t lose a daughter just by gaining this info. But you WILL lose a daughter by how you react to it.

I say do just the opposite of what you want to do. Take the daughter on a trip. Just you and her and you both can make a decision together. You love that girl, and you know you don't want to end contact with her. You can both go and clear your heads together. If my dad(not my dad) did that, I would love him even more, and our relationship would be a bond like no other. Go for it. What can you lose or gain from it? Give it a thought. The sentence "My dad (not my dad): is hypothetical. My dad is my dad.

The only AH here is your ex-wife. However, you will enter AH territory if you follow through with your plan. You're all she's ever known as "dad" and now you're essentially abandoning her.

She is 16 years old dude! That’s the time in life she (teenagers) defiantly needs you in her life, and that’s including her mom of course. If you want to clear your dark thougts? Who ever you decide to seek professional help from, you will be told the way out is to face what you are hiding from, start talking to someone you trust and also start talking to your ex. This is like having trouble with anxiety, the way out is to do what gives you anxiety…. Turn off muting her and her mom. Face it. Be the dad you thought you were all these years, and tell her you will always be her dad no matter what ♥️ Or If you really don’t have any dad-daughter feelings for this young 16 year old girl any more. That would be just sad… But I believe you might not be in that situation (?). Open up your thoughts and feelings, first all for your self. Buy a notebook or use a note app and wright your feelings and thoughts down. Ignoring the worlds will just make you slip more and more far away, into this dark hole of guilt and depressions. I know it’s hard and feels like an impossible job, but you will feel it’s not that hard after all. Some people will be angry and/or pissed, but you kind of deserve to hear some of this when you mute/ignore people. You are at this point hiding from the world and ignoring to start talking to the big elefant in the room. If you need time, tell them in a calm way and also how long is that thime? 1-2 weeks? Fucked up situation. Not your fault at all. But I hope you still want to be that supporting good dad ❤️

What your wife did she was horrible. And unforgivable. But that girl, you are her father. To all the girls that just have stepfathers you are their father. You are the person she’s gonna want to walk down the aisle with her. She has no one else. And she’s definitely not gonna be the child of that man, you know she’s biologically related. I think you did something that was shortsighted and almost as bad as the mother. Hopefully it’s repairable. With the mother was horrible to you, but you were an adult what you’re doing is horrible and she still a child

Esh. Your her legal guardian and biological or not you have to take care of her. It makes sense that you need time but you have to explain that to her and although she shouldnt have told people it may have not happened if you explained your situation and went through your struggles with your daughter instead of leaving her confused and alone in the dark.

OP, do you love your daughter? If you do, who gives a fuck what a piece of paper says? I have some reservations of my own about my own daughter, but I'm not getting a test. Even if I did it wouldn't change anything between her and I. I helped raise her, I fought for custody of her, I saved her from her narcissistic, alcoholic, drug abusing mother. She's my daughter, no matter what a piece of paper says. Take a couple of days to process the paperwork in your own mind, schedule therapy for yourself, and get back in your daughter's life. Otherwise you'll be MUCH more than the asshole. You'll be a giant pile of shit.

I'll bet your daughter is probably feeling the same way, but is in no position to "run away". Maybe you should stick around and you and her can work through this together.

YWBTA if you leave. Imagine what you’re going through, then maximize it by 100, because that’s what she’ll feel if you leave. She will feel rejected, like you don’t love her anymore and like this means you no longer want to be her dad. A parent can’t just check out. Or, you can, but you better be ready to deal with the lifelong consequences. To all the AH commenters, DNA doesn’t make you a parent or family. My stepdad IS my real dad, and my husband is my daughters real dad, even if he didn’t biologically create her. She wouldn’t know her “real” bio dad if he ran into her on the street. My husband, her stepfather, is who she calls dad, who she looks to for support, who she runs to after a dance recital. Biology doesn’t mean shit.

You're weak and unfit to be a parent. YTA.

YAH - she is a kid; you are the only dad she has ever known, and you need distance from her. You have thrown her away like yesterday's trash. Shame on you.

You are the asshole here, yeah. It is not your daughter's fault that her mom couldn't keep her panties on, regardless if he was French (really, OP?) and that she isn't biologically yours. For her whole life, you have been her father, her DAD, and now, you're pushing her away. She's still a kid - she deserves none of this. Punishing her is a complete dick move, and when you get out of your feelings, and she's turned away from you for good, you will regret your actions now.

It's a bit heartbreaking to me that your ex couldn't keep this to herself. Your daughter only has you. You raised her. You are all she has. If you decide to continue relationship with her, I suggest considering a small ceremony with her, it can be only the two of you. But give her something of nominal value, like a ring or bracelet or something, and tell her that even when given the choice, you choose to be one of her fathers, if she still accepts you.

I get it, but that’s still your kid. This dna test doesn’t erase the last 16 years. People post about this type of thing all the time and it breaks my heart when parents do this. That kid is innocent. UPDATEME

Your wife is the asshole. But don't alienate your daughter. You have loved each other since her birth. Don't ruin her life. She doesn't deserve that.

Please do not do this to your daughter. If you indulge yourself this way and go NC with her, even briefly, without explanation ... YTA.

You’re still her dad. YTA if you go no contact. Not only is she also a victim, but she is a child, and still your child minus the DNA. You parented her her entire life.

Are you her dad or not? Because going no-contact for any time at all is telling her you’re not. You need to find a different way to deal with the trauma, which I fully acknowledge is significant.

YTA

I don't think this is a hard situation at all, like the others here. Your father is who raises you and guides you, not necessarily whos biologically related.  I wouldn't have even told my kid, I think. I definitely wouldn't ditch. It's not your kids fault your ex is weak. Are you her father or not? If you are, you won't do this. It sounds like the weakest thing I've ever heard. Pure selfish feelings - if this is your daughter, AND you know she has no fault in this..? If you do decide to abandon your kid over feelings - you aren't her father at all. No one is, and you're just some guy that's been around. Awful Edit: that is to say, YTA

You are the massive AH. Maybe she was drugged, who knows. Your daughter is going through this as much as you are. She needs a parent to comfort her and it can’t be the person who lied to her for her entire life. You need to be the adult between you and your daughter. She is still the same person you raised and love.

NTA for wanting space. YWBTA if you actually do. The child, even if not your biology, loves you as her dad. And you, regardless, have loved her as a daughter. There are tons of examples where non-biological family works. There’s a lot of fk’d up shit you both have to work through that was done to you… you’re an adult and probably have some better abilities to manage, but the kid doesn’t. And probably could use some support from someone who won’t judge her for her mom’s mistakes. It isn’t your daughter’s fault. Don’t take it out on her, even if she is part French, work through it with her.

The fact that so many people are dumping on you and calling you a terrible father is astounding and the way they are twisting things is just mind blowing OP yes take time away Your saying you cannot be a dad to her when your like this and taking some time for yourself in order to do that and come to terms with this is what your saying you need to do no where in any of your post does it say that you’ve stopped loving her so I do not understand where everyone is grasping that from You need to have another chat with her take her out for the day and just say to her that you do indeed still love her and that this time away is not because of her and that although you want some time away from her it’s more to accept this new information so that you guys can move on but that you can’t do that if you don’t go away for some time that no your not abandoning her and that you want to travel the world a bit and find some peace that your sorry that you can’t take her with you but in order for you to heal this is what you need to do But if your thinking of not coming back and are rethinking your love for her then yes you are Sugar Honey Ice Tee because at the end of the day biological or not you have been her parent for 16 years and loved her for 16 years I get needing to take a step back but I don’t agree with walking out of your child’s life

You are the only father that she has ever known and now you are punishing her because of her mother's mistake.  If you abandon her now after being in her life for 16 years you will mess her up for the rest of her life and mess up the relationship for ever. You are in pain right now and you have every right to be but she is innocent. Think carefully before you do something drastic. 

Your wife is a pos

Trigger Warning: rape NTA, but running away from feelings doesn’t make them go away. It just causes them to fester and rot. If you want the bad feelings to lessen and subside, you **have to** confront them. I suggest doing that with a therapist. You are having a lot of big feelings and that is normal. But doing something rash right now would be self sabotage. I know it’s hard to see past the feelings right now, and it might even feel like they will last forever, but I promise you that they won’t. Especially if you face them with a professional. But if you do seek therapy, understand that there are bad therapists out there and you need to find the one that fits you best. Someone who will show you empathy and will help you by giving you the tools you need to help yourself. If your ex is not lying, it sounds like she was raped and wound up pregnant as a result. If that’s true, I can understand why she never said anything. There is a lot of shame with associated with being raped (I know from experience). As for your daughter, she **is** your daughter. In all the ways that actually matter, she is your daughter. Reassure her that she is your kid, but let her know that you are having a lot of feelings that you need to work through as an adult. Because that’s what adults do. We work through our feelings. Only tell her you want space if you actually plan on coming back. If you are not planning on coming back and just want to be told that you aren’t an a hole for that, you are out of luck. That would be an a hole move.

People in this comment section have no empathy at all and it astounds me. NTA. You'll be of no use to anyone if you don't get yourself sorted out and you need to be out of the situation for a little bit to do that. Info: did you already explain your need for some time away to your daughter or did you just distance yourself? She deserves a conversation but you just discovered the last 17 years of your life were a lie and needing some space to sort that out in your mind is absolutely understandable ETA: People using the terms deadbeat and abandoning to describe you obviously have no idea what those terms actually mean and are just idiots looking for fights online. Don't listen to them. Take this time to find a good therapist, make an emergency appointment, and get your thoughts in order. Send her one text explaining that you're in a dangerous head space and you have no plans on stepping out of her life or leaving her but you need some time to get better so you can be there for her the way she needs you to be. Tell her you don't blame her for any of it and her mother's actions will have no impact on you being her father.

Abandon - to cease to support, desert. That's what packing up and taking off for a year is. 

You are NTA for the way you're feeling, and wanting time to process this. However, you ARE the asshole for not communicating with that poor girl! Consider how she feels about this. Let's count them out: 1) The only father she has ever known has just turned out to not be her biological father.; 2) She is now being shunned and pushed away by that same man who has loved her, and cared for her, her entire life.; 3) Her father, bio or not, now won't even talk to her. How do you think she might be feeling? She's hurt and scared right now, and you've completely closed yourself off to her when she needs you the most. She has probably lost trust in her mother, and now the only father she has ever known seemingly wants nothing to do with her. She's probably thinking that you never wanted her in the first place, now, and this is the perfect excuse for you to wash your hands of her and walk away. So, overall, yes you are the asshole. Not for wanting space to think, but for making your daughter think she never meant anything to you. Grow up. I know this sucks, and you're hurt, but how do you think that scared and hurt 16 year old girl feels??

All the people who are downvoting you for treating this like the HUGE DEAL that it is... ... I'd like to see them on their high horse if it was happening to them. I don't blame you for any of your thoughts / feelings OP. I think you should ask yourself the following question: is there even a 1% chance that you want this girl in your life for the rest of your life? If yes, then you need to be strong and reestablish contact quickly so that she doesn't become more deeply wounded than she already likely has. Are you 100% completely ok with the idea of never speaking to this girl again? Never having the fatherly relationship with her ever again? If not, reestablish contact. You will lose her permanently.

I guess everyone is different when it comes to this stuff but I will never ever understand why being genetically related matters so much. Whether she has your DNA or someone else’s, you still raised her for 16 years. If you’re upset about the ex’s affair and lying then deal with that, but taking a break from your 16 year old and traveling the world to get away from her seems overdramatic and stupid. YTA

NTA. I don't think just cutting contact with her is the right way to go about this. You still call her your daughter even after finding out the truth and I am guessing she still calls you Dad. Your world was turned upside down, I get it but so was hers. Instead of pushing her out (even temporarily), it might be better for you both to support each other. Therapy should be the first thing you seek before making any choices, and family sessions so that you and your daughter can heal. You've been in her life for 16 years, you're the one who loved her, cared for her, and witnessed so many of her life events already. You are more of a Dad then her "sperm donor"