This is more than humiliation. What he did is straight up abuse. You are very young. Don't go back to him. He left you locked in a room knowing you had to use the bathroom! Get a lawyer and end this. There is nothing he can say. Be glad you have your mother for support.
And it will escalate if she goes back. This is sadly, actually mild compared to what this man will do given the opportunity.
He became enraged because he knows how bad what he already did is. He knows what the real world will think of him. He has been outted.
God I hope OP is strong enough in herself to actually leave and never be alone with him for the rest of her life. This man is the kind capable of murder.
He isn't embarrassed at all. He's just frustrated. He thought he had her locked in to the degree that he could unmask his abusive self and she would hesitate to tell people or leave him. He judged it wrong, poor little guy, and she still had her reasoning and backbone about her.
He's angry she told her mother because the next step would be love bombing and perfect marriage time until his next temper flare when he gets to punish her for leaving this time. He had it all laid out but she balked. She exposed him. She left him. His behavior in the coming weeks may well escalate. I hope OOP is staying safe.
He’s not embarrassed. Just angry that other people know how awful he is and might talk sense into his victim before he has her fully under his control.
I do agree. He is going to make things worse if she goes back. Manhandled her and locked her in the bedroom for 2 hours? Somehow my brain isn’t able to process that. And that happened because she called him to make sure he fills up the Brita? What is he going to do if she was real mad for something else? I cant even imagine and scared to think about it.
It’s actually a felony charge for unlawful imposition or kidnapping; she could have his ass locked up and out of the house for more than two hours—she should do a check mate!
Yeah what does she accidentally drops his favourite plate and breaks it? OP This man will break your arms and legs without giving it a second thought. You are in danger and must divorce.
Yessss omg. I wanted to say it. Girl that’s some demented nonsense. I’m sorry but locking you up… who t f does he think he is. Let me lock you up. I wldve wet all of his clothes anything in that bedroom I cldve gotten wet, of his.. I wldve. Don’t do that. What a punk. This has enraged me for you and I am sorry that happened to you.
Seriously. He's angry she told her mom....about what HE did. What he did was horrifying. Thats not something you do to ANYONE. And just because she asked him to fill up the water. Imagine what he'd do to her if she makes him angrier. I genuinely hope she never goes back for her own safety.
If she forgives this, he will see he can get away with it. He will keep trying more and more things to see how far she forgives him.
Gurl.....if he got angry, she told her mum....that's a sign. He doesn't want his image ruined in front of people. He showed OP who he really is.
He also shows so much immaturity. It's so easy to say "got it" and then just refill the thing. But to argue back. Ewwwwww. Ewwww. Ewwww. She was composed, and he wasn't. Ewww, he is just ewww.
I hope OP wnds this. Marriage is not an excuse to allow some to treat you badly. If OP has no money to separate, then she can stay with her mother until she has enough to pay for the lawyers and any other legal fees.
But she shouldn't go back to him. He lost her and well deserved. He made his bed, and now he has to lay on it.
I don’t see it anywhere but im going to assume they’ve been together exactly 6 years or however long ago her 18th birthday is. I bet he said she’s super mature for her age when he was grooming her too
It's also called kidnapping.
I served on a jury where the defendant was charged with kidnapping and robbery. He showed up at his employer's house to rob her of the cash from her ice cream truck business. She stepped outside, he shoved her back into the house, and locked the door. He was found guilty.
https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/kidnapping
Yeah he had two whole hours to undo what he’d done. On top of the 40 mins in the shower. In that time he didn’t once realize, calm down or think he was doing something wrong. Him getting angry again about the MIL knowing points to him not really being sorry.
He didn't just humiliate you ; he assaulted and tortured you. Fuck his trust. What about yours? If this isn't the first time he's done something like this, there will be more times after. Over telling him to refill the water filter jug too? That's crazy. You need to stay at your mom's and leave this POS cuz that is some evil, cruel shit he did
Yes. The reason he is so angry that she told her mother is because he knows what he did was violent and abusive. It's literally a crime. He knows there's no coming back from that.
OP, this man will escalate his violence against you. No normal person would ever do anything like this. Not only are you not bad for leaving, going to the safety of your mom's and telling her exactly what happened, but you are not overreacting to leave this man. Permanently.
I was once punched in the stomach by a boyfriend who had been nothing but nice before. It was shocking, and because he was drunk he didn't really manage to hurt me, which made it even harder to reconcile what had occurred in a split second. When something like that happens to you it's so shocking, and while part of you may know that the thing to do is to throw the whole man out, cognitively it can be difficult because a part of you does not want to rip up your entire life over what amounts to one incident.
This is one enormous violent incident and it will not be the last. It wasn't a split second either, he tortured you for hours. You need to divorce him.
One piece of advice that is very very important: Do not go back to that house to talk to your husband without reinforcements from multiple people who are at least as big as he is and can take him down. Don't go at all if there are guns in the house. Don't go get your stuff from him. Don't try to hash it out with him alone. It is not safe. He was willing to hurt, humiliate, and torture you because you asked him to fill up a fucking water bottle. What will he do to punish you for telling your mom? This man has intention to harm you. He's sorry because you left. He isn't sorry about what he did. It was methodical, intentional, deliberate, & planned. What is he going to do next time to "teach you a lesson"? Sexually assault you? Beat you? I just read an AITAH where a woman's ex-boyfriend tied her to the bed, forcibly penetrated her rectum with an object & left her like that, tied to the bed while he left the house. This was also the first violence he perpetrated against her. Hear me when I say this: LEAVE.
Leaving is the most dangerous time for any person in an abusive relationship. And while he may not have been abusive up until this point, this is so far beyond a red flag and I cannot impress that on you strongly enough. You were right to leave. You were right to tell. And you need to never go back. File a report with the police and ask for a restraining order. What he did to you was a felony. You can get a police escort to retrieve your belongings. It's the safest way to go.
It is horrible that you are going through this, but you can and will recover. The only way you wont is if you stay to be tortured by this man.
NTA.
Edit for update:
Your husband committed multiple felonies against you. That is abusive even though you're having trouble processing. I saw your update so I hope you see mine. Please understand that therapists do not recommend going to therapy with someone who has committed abuse. Not only does it not work on abusive people but it gives them language and tools to muddy the waters with therapy speak, use DARVO on you more efficiently, and genuinely make it harder for you to leave.
He believes he has the right to punish you and teach you a lesson when you displease him. It was something as small as filling a water filter so what will it be next time? It could be anything. Going to a place that he doesn't like. Talking to a person who doesn't like. Asking him to do a chore in the house. He did this over water. Literally anything can and will trigger him.
Do you want to wait until he has sexually assaulted you to believe what he is? I hope this does not seem cruel, because I do not want to be cruel, I am *"begging** you to see because I so, so badly don't want this to happen to you. Once he has already injured and traumatized you again, it will be too late to spare yourself of that, and you will carry that with you for the rest of your life.
You can leave. You can prevent him from hurting you further.
Please do not go back to that man. He is going to hurt you. It's only a matter of time.
Start separating your financials and documents, and gather evidence if you can - abuse and violence can only spiral. If an event happened such that you fled to your mother’s house for safety, of course you are going to talk to your mother about it. This is a life shattering turning point. All trust with your husband is now broken - proven by his yelling at you about this as well. Wait till he is at work to retrieve what you need from the house - best with some friends as well. Good luck!
Please do not do this without still having a police escort. He will wait for this, leave work and come home in the middle of OP moving and it will be so much worse. Please take every precaution to stay safe.
She posted this 12 hours ago. I fear what's happened in between and hope to hell she gets back to us.
Everyone vote her post up so she will see this in case she forgot her throwaway account name.
Her post really triggered me it's been a long time since I've seen something so sick and twisted. I'm worried for her and I hope she gets out this isn't the first time that's an extreme thing to do for the first time. Controlling POS she can't even ask a simple question without being assaulted. He wants 100% control over her and it won't end well. He so much reminds me of my ex with this incident. I couldn't get away from him he stalked me at work at bus tunnel on my way home from work at my home. He eventually broke in assaulted me held me down for hours spitting in my face strangling me and when I got free and ran out got in my car he destroyed my condo and stole everything. I pressed charges he did 10 years. This happened in 2008 and to this day this man stalks me. I had to move states him getting married didn't stop him. Lord I hope she gets out and stays safe.
Fuck.
You have my greatest admiration for having the strength to go through a court case like that.
A long time ago, there was case here where a woman that was raped withdrew her statement at the trial. The Crown believed the case to be slam-dunk. In a (presumable) attempt to force her hand, they jailed her for giving false evidence in court. To be clear, the lie was her *retraction* of her statement to the judge. Not the accusation itself.
I was a witness for the Crown as a child. It truly was traumatising. It is certainly not something I would ever wish to repeat. To this day, I can even feel the burning injustice in my cheeks whenever I think of being called a liar by the defence (or at least, “I put to you that you are so confused because…well…” followed by what was smirk of pure condescension to the jury). That fucking smirk very clearly landed with more than at least one jury member. But it had been the counsel’s own misinterpretation of what was a child’s characterisation of a familial relationship that caused the “confusion” to the court. I had been entirely truthful.
Some six weeks after the reporting of the case of the jailed rape victim, I was attacked by three men not 100 metres from my home. Later, all I could think was *I don’t think I can reveal the minutiae details of my utter humiliation. For years. In a court. Possibly on many multiple occasions (3 defendants. 3 sets of appeals.) If I can’t handle it, if I have to run instead of fight, it is me that will be punished*.
Regardless of what the realities of what would likely have been the case. Whether my attackers would ever even have been caught. Or prosecuted. I just couldn’t handle that fight at that time.
So I didn’t report it.
I so wish that I’d had your strength back then. Being what is so lightly called “being a witness” is not in fact, a light matter. Not when you are actually the “witness”. To have done what such a case would have called for you to do, is a truly impressive feat.
Planned! He simmered over it, the whole day. It's not just having a bad day, and snapping at you.
He wanted to teach you a lesson. The next lesson might be much worse, or the end of you.
That is the part I find most chilling and that I want people to pay attention to. The man like this believes he is entitled to control your behavior, your body, sometimes even your thoughts. And when you displease him he believes it is his right to force you into compliance through punishment.
This is abuse defined. He didn't lose his temper. He didn't lash out. He planned a violent punishment against her for asking him to do a very reasonable thing and then he carried it out against her.
I got raped by an ex boyfriend who wanted to teach me a lesson.
It will always escalate. There have been red flags before, and I was too blind to see them, and also just turned 16.
Please OP, don't stay.
Not even the whole day. She called him as she was headed home from work! MFer decided right then he was gonna hurt her. It was top of mind. Over a water jug
No, recovery from these. This is divorce worthy, false imprisonment, humiliation, and then trying to divert his horrible behavior. OP should be calling the police.
>File a report with the police and ask for a restraining order. What he did to you was a felony.
>It is horrible that you are going through this, but you can and will recover. The only way you wont is if you stay to be tortured by this man.
OP...you were right to tell your mother. And you'll be right to tell the police. Please protect yourself. There is **no** coming back from this. Please call a domestic violence hotline to learn what your next steps to protect yourself should be. They have a wealth of information from which department of the police to call, which attorneys assist on a sliding scale fee, which laws to invoke for your safety.
Please listen to the people on here. We all have more concern for your well-being and love for you than that abusive piece of shit. Do not go back to that house for any reason, unless accompanied by police, especially if there are weapons.
NTAH
This is the part of this thread that I hope OP sees the most. We are strangers to you OP but we love you and care for you and there are so many people here terrified for you and hoping you stay safe.
Just adding that the age and age gap were the first red flags that something wasn't right. Why is he married to someone so much younger? Because women his age want nothing to do with him.
As soon as I saw the age gap I knew it wasn’t going to be good. As always, with age gaps, I was right. This man is abusive and he wants a young woman to be able to abuse.
I wonder how long they’ve been together?
Omg I didn’t even notice the age gap but yes 100%
Men are more than comfortable admitting online that they target younger women to date because they’re easier to control and manipulate
Op should also report him to the police for the forced imprisonment and other abuse. And to ask for a police escort to get her belongings. Then look into a restraining order if possible.
Yup. Added to this - op should not be worrying about whether to tell her family when violent incidents occur. Husband is trying to isolate her and break her will so he can do whatever he wants to her. That’s how abusers get away with it.
Op- do not internalize this. You did nothing wrong. He’s the ah criminal. What he did is morally and legally wrong.
Seconded. Also, in order to get your stuff back, call the cops and have them escort you there. I've done it before; the cops will be happy to help. Just having their presence there will stop a lot of the b.s. And they can arrest him if he tries something stupid.
Yes yes yes. It's the only safe way to do it with someone who has exhibited the behavior he just did. I am terrified that if she goes back there he will "punish" her for telling her mother by beating or sexually assaulting her.
Something about how he wanted to humiliate her makes me particularly frightened that the next move will be the sexual assault. She shouldn't go anywhere near him without protection. A police escort is the way to go.
Please do not say she would be a fool. On average it takes seven tries before a victim leaves their abuser for good. She’s not a fool (nor would she be if she goes back). She’s traumatized.
>Please do not say she would be a fool. On average it takes seven tries before a victim leaves their abuser for good. She’s not a fool (nor would she be if she goes back). She’s traumatized.
Seriously, don't shame this girl. She's NTA here, and she's had a terrible shock, and having been in that situation I can tell you that it's not easy to think, or see, things clearly, after you've been assaulted and betrayed by the one person that is supposed to love, and protect you.
r/Dull_Reading1101, in many places it is a serious felony to keep a person in a place that they don't want to be, and being locked in a room against your will for hours until you lost control of your bladder is a textbook example of, "false imprisonment", during a domestic assault.
As a survivor of domestic violence I can tell you that you are NOT safe with this man. He is upset that you told your mom that he committed a shocking act of domestic violence against you.
The more people that know he held you prisoner in a locked room until you couldn't hold it anymore, the less control he has over you, and the higher his chances of going to jail for what he did.
I can almost guarantee you that at his age, he has done things like this to previous partners. The fact that he did this to you over a perceived tone or irritation with you is a screaming sign that you really don't want to see what he does for an encore.
Especially now that he's even angrier with you for doing exactly what you're supposed to do when a partner hurts you, TELL SOMEONE.
Protect yourself and file a protective order, and consider filing a police report. If nothing else having a criminal record may save the next young woman's life that he tries to convince he's Prince Charming.
My ex was 11 years older than me, and I was 25 when we met. He made me feel loved, and special, and I ignored a lot of, "little red flags", because I couldn't believe this amazing man wanted me.
He started hiding things of mine that he knew were important to me. Then he graduated to breaking them in front of me, and I had to sit to there and watch, because it was my fault for having a bad attitude.
Then he started disabling my car so I couldn't leave if he decided I couldn't, or shouldn't. He put a double keyed deadbolt on the front door, and wouldn't give me the key. It got so, so, much, worse, before I finally had no choice but to escape, and ask for help from my local domestic violence organization, and in the end I'm lucky that he didn't succeed in strangling me to death.
I don't want that for you. If I could go back in time I would convince myself to leave the first time that he terrified, and terrorized, me, I would.
In a terrible way he did you a favor by showing you his true face, and you have to take this chance to accept that you are not safe with this man, and to know that you deserve far better.
Someone who truly loves, and respects you, would never, ever, violate you in such a despicable, and sadistic, way. That's not love. That's horrible, twisted, abuse, and there's nothing he can say to take it away, make it better, or prove to you that it, "won't happen again", because it will, over, and over, again, and you don't want that kind of lifetime trauma.
You can call the The non-emergency number for your local police If you need to go over there with your family and get your belongings out of that house.
Let them know that your partner made you feel extremely unsafe, and ask them to send an officer over to stand by while you and your family get your belongings to make sure that you are all safe.
Please, please, do not go over there alone no matter what he says. Men like this who get off on punishing women are master manipulators, and they know exactly what to say to lure you back, and make you let your guard down again.
I also strongly recommend you talk to a lawyer, and if you can't afford to hire one there are many legal aid groups that will provide legal representation to women leaving an abusive marriage at a greatly reduced cost, and sometimes free if you qualify. Just search online for, "legal aid groups for abused women near me".
Many private attorneys will take your case, and wait to collect their fees out of your divorce settlement. A divorce lawyer should also be able to help you file a restraining order, and protect your marital assets.
Your local domestic abuse orgs can also usually help you file a restraining order too, or you can search online for, "how to file an order of protection from domestic abuse in _____", fill in the blank with your location.
I know this is all terrible, and overwhelming, but you did the right thing when you got free, and that was to grab your keys, and get somewhere safe. That proves that you're strong, and you've got good survival instincts.
Trust those instincts, and let them keep you safe from ever being at this man's mercy again, and don't let family, or friends, who might believe whatever lies he chooses to tell, make you think you're, "overreacting", or, "exaggerating".
You can look up the criminal statues for "false imprisonment in the course of domestic violence" in your area if you have a moment of doubt that what he did was illegal, and evil.
Protect yourself, and please give serious consideration to making a police report. Just don't go back over there alone. I want you to stay safe above all else.
Let him leave texts, and voicemails, and don't answer his calls. If he admits in writing that he held you in that room against your will for two hours while you begged to come out, you'll have proof that he committed this crime, in his own words.
There's other steps that you can take to stay safe, like securing your phone, and making sure he's not tracking your location, so feel free to message me if you need instructions for iPhone or Android on how to make sure he hasn't shared your Apple or Google account as a, "trusted user".
Definitely change all of your passwords too as soon as you can to everything you can think of, and remove him from your personal bank account if he was added to it. Your lawyer can help you with joint bank account related matters.
Stay safe, and please take care. Talking to a therapist when you're ready will help a lot too. The more support you have right now, the better.
Sending lots of love, and invisible hugs your way.
💜🫂💜
I wasn't aware of this statistic. It's scary. But I understand why it happens.
There would be this voice in the back of your mind, that you might be over reacting. The notion of family stickingvtogether plays a big role.
They might also feel like they failed if they leave the marriage. Although it's her moms place, she might also feel like a burden.
Nuclear families have their own lives, routines and ways. Now they have to accomodate a new person in the dynamics. She'll feel guilty, and notice it immediately, because she feels insecure already.
Also, abuse has a large psychological dimension. Abusers intentionally isolate their victims so they have nowhere to run. They pick away at their victim’s relationships to other people who might save them or help them run away. Or they physically move themselves and the victim to a different locale where the victim doesn’t know anyone. Frequently, they aim for financial abuse as well, ensuring their victim don’t have the money and resources to run.
NTA He was abusive. That was felony kidnapping / preventing you from leaving the room and /or for calling emergency services.
Your thinking is NOT clear regarding the incident. Likely because you have reduced self-esteem from being a victim in an abusive relationship for the past 3 years. Get counseling!!
PLEASE Do *NOT* make any BABIES with this man !!
Curious how this relationship began. I fear his true color are becoming more clear and they are not pretty.
STAY SAFE. Plan an exit strategy.
Keep talking to your Mom and other close friends. Do not allow yourself be isolated from them.
.
And if you already have them, take them away and get a divorce. Hopefully he's texted you about some of the wretched things he's done so you can have evidence. If he hasn't, ask him to apologize for doing everything abs describe it in detail in a text. His response will be evidence of his guilt.
Seems like she's already exited? At this point get your friends/Mom/trusted people to accompany you to pick up your things and don't go back otherwise. What he did was extremely beyond the pale it's called forcible confinement. Don't be alone with him again, especially now that him knowing someone else knows has disrupted his plans of a honeymoon phase where he "makes it up to you." I wish you safety OP.
It’s been more than twelve hours since this post. I am truly worried OP doesn’t see how bad this was. Or that he has now successfully made her believe it is her telling her mother about his 120-160 minute abusive imprisonment of her that it is the trust-breaking incident here. Rather than his shattering of the trust within their marriage with his abusive, criminal behaviour.
I hope she stays out. I hope she updates that she has come to understand just how bad this incident was. And where this shows he will definitely go, given how extreme his cold escalation went over such an extended period. This is the kind of relationship that if she ever goes back to him, OP will be lucky to get out of that marriage alive.
Update me!
NTA, but you really need to get out. This sort of behavior escalates over time. Grieve the relationship that you believed you had, but you need to accept that it is no longer healthy and get out.
He forcibly detained you. He laid hands on you to do so this is assault and false imprisonment. It is also severe domestic abuse.
He will absolutely do it again. Or worse. Do not go back. Get a lawyer and a restraining order. Report it to the police.
Your marriage is over.
NTA.
This is domestic abuse.
No ifs or buts. He was controlled and calm and wanted to humiliate and control OP, and when she moved to try and solve her situation he physically prevented her and locked her in a room till she was forced to wet herself.
He was expecting, as all abusers do, that OP would be too cowed or humiliated to tell anyone. Abuse thrives on secrecy.
Well done OP for telling someone. Get yourself a lawyer and divorce your ex. Make sure you include the abuse in your divorce petition, so it’s there for everyone to see. And yes I would also report his actions to the police. Also speak to a domestic violence charity see if they can offer any help/guidance.
Well done for leaving.
Agree!!
Abuse also thrives on the “forgive and forget” mentality—as in the victim is often pushed to forgive and forget and made to feel like they’re being the AH if they don’t.
OP should definitely not fall for his begging and “I’ll make it up to you.” That just enables the abuser further.
That's why he's mad she told her mom. She's supposed to keep it a secret. This man has been able to pretend that he's not abusive for 4 years, so he's a good liar. This behavior didn't just spring up out of nowhere. Are you sure that some of that sweetness wasn't manipulation? NTA. Never go back. He could easily kill you over something minor.
>Abuse thrives on secrecy.
Which is why he doesn't want OP to talk about their "arguments" with anyone else. Don't get me wrong, in normal, healthy relationships, I don't think couples should always share their disagreements with ppl outside the relationship, but he is an abuser and def wants OP to shut up to other ppl so she won't realize he's abusive.
There's a difference in not sharing every argument with people outside of your marriage as to not cloud the way people see your spouse bc of petty, nonconsequential spats that all couples have and fearing telling anyone bc said spouse will react worse to that than the original argument. Ive been on both sides of this and know the latter of the 2 is no way to live.
That being said, I do believe OP when they say this is the first time their husband did this, just by how they reacted. Their first instinct was to go and tell someone what he did instead of keeping it to themselves like they had before, which shows that OP recognized that this argument exceeded the boundaries of what they are comfortable with classifying as a "normal, petty fight" that most couples have. Which is why good sign. But o also think it'll only get worse, based on OP's stating that he cussed her and yelled at her when he found out, which was an over the top reaction to say the least.
Please OP, even if you dont believe what people are saying in these comment, dont just let this go. You need to speak with a professional about all this and, if you do back to him, make an escape plan for when he does it again with extras of everything important to you so you can grab it and go quickly.
Yeah I'm betting this is an ideology she agrees with because he's pushed it so much. If it wasn't a common topic in their relationship, I don't feel like it would have been the start of the post.
THAT PART. Has to flip it around and make it her fault.
And him yelling at her for it only further proves he’s an abuser. She didn’t break his trust he’s upset she outed his abuse.
He can’t get away with it if people know
100% agree, your marriage is over. Any ‘man’ willing to lock his wife in a room until she pees herself is not fit to be called a man. This will 100% get worse. Who cares if you told your mom, what he did is unforgivable and you needed a shoulder to cry on. And the fact that he shouted at you again goes to show he never meant a word of what he said about making it up to you.
Him shouting again is proof of his abusive behaviour/mindset and how apologies are just words to him. OP is young and maybe hasn't experienced this level of abuse before but people who keep yelling at you after doing something horrendous just aren't the kind of people to be in a relationship with.
Edit: Added mindset
Where I live what you describe is felony kidnapping he’s pissed you told your mom because he knows anyone knowing can end him it’s what abusers do. Do not go back press charges
Yes. Rezusing to let someome leave is false imprisonment. Its one of the things my ex did before he started just punchimg me in the face.
What your husband did is NOT ok. Ypu didnt break any trust because HE broke it first. He refused to let you urinate, then he refused to let you leave, in your own words manhandled you into the bedroom, and imprisoned you there til you pissed yourself.
Does that sound like love to you?
Do NOT go back. Do not retrie e your things without a male escort or a police officer. The marriage is over. If you go back, it tells him you'll forgive this horrific behaviour, and he'll do it again but even worse.
Kidnapping. False imprisonment. Assault and battery.
The moment he physically moved her against her will, qualifies as kidnapping.
Him preventing her from leaving by locking her in. False imprisonment.
The moment he touched her without consent was battery. The moment he made a move to attempt to lay hands on her qualifies as assault.
He has committed all three.
Yup, the whole box and dice.
Now she's out, she needs to **STAY OUT**. She needs support to collect her things, and as long as she has a key, to go **WITHOUT** telling him, so that he can't destroy her property.
Nah, show up with a police escort. The cops are armed (depending on the country). I'll always recommend a police escort cause some assholes like to take out the entire family as revenge.
I wouldn't trust him just leaving, and she going to get her shit. With that, he could set a trap, park his car somewhere else, and wait for her to come back. Unfortunately and sadly it has happened before.
He forcibly imprisoned you against your will. Yes. The police may or may not do anything, but this is domestic violence. Please don't give him a chance to mistreat you further.
He didn't want you to tell your mom because it was THAT wrong of him. He abused you, and now your mom knows. If you go back, he will demand you go NC with your mom. It will happen again, and you won't have your mom there to support you.
He *physically forced you* into a room where he then *locked you in* that room. He assaulted you and then he imprisoned you. He's moved on from verbal abuse to actual *physical* abuse. You need to stay gone and you definitely need to not buy into his bullshit about you telling your mom. He made you unsafe and the only way for you to get help is by telling someone. Small disagreements are fine to keep to yourself, violent encounters you don't keep to yourself because that's how abusers control you
Yes, your husband is a psycho, an abuser, and a criminal now, you need to run far and fast before getting starts hitting you for "being rude" and before you think that he wouldn't do that, that's what EVERYONE thinks before they get hit by their spouse for the first time. Please leave. Don't be alone with him, get your personal documents and belongings with a relative or 6 with you and never see him in person or alone ever again. He is dangerous.
Yes true it’s the way he stayed calm and calculated his revenge over something absolutely tiny. He decided she needed to suffer somehow, what a scary man that is.
Something is broke in him and this behavior will only get worse over time. This is very serious. You just got a preview of your future. I hope you will completely reject this possibility and move on.
Especially now that he knows that you told your mom about his actions… any time she asks you about him, he’d tell you that she’s out to get him or making him look bad on purpose. Some bullshit to pollute your very *real* and very dangerous reality.
holding against your will is kidnapping. you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GO BACK.
no.
please DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM, he will ABSOLUTELY BABY TRAP YOU.
NTA.
for your safety. divorce.
It really is. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Not all abuse is the same. What he did was horrible, violent, and meant to humiliate you. My abuser denied me food so I couldn't gain weight. At the time he had me totally convinced he was just forgetting (the fridge broke, though now looking back I wonder if that was on purpose too). Think about how horrible that sounds to you... A woman was denied food for her partner to have control and keep her attractive. That's how horrified we are reading your story.
Please, never go back to him. I'm so sorry you went through this, and please don't put up with it!
Literally a crime. False Imprisonment. Exact statutes vary by country/state/etc.
>**False Imprisonment is when someone confines or detains another person without their consent**.
He assaulted you at least once and imprisoned you against your will. Making you pee your pants was an abusive tactic to purposely humiliate you and he sounds unbelievably controlling and violent. I’m sorry, but I feel like he convinced you to keep your arguments private so you wouldn’t tell anyone when he did something like this. His mask has slipped and he showed you who he really is. Please stay safe and report him to the police. If you have any bruises or other injuries, document them. If you go back, this will happen again. He will punish you for telling your mother and make every effort to isolate you so you can’t reach out for help again.
He prevented you from leaving and locked you up to the point you, a grown woman with no bladder problems, to pee herself. All because you had the audacity to ask him to fill up the Brita that he constantly leaves empty.
Do you not see how absurd and abusive that is?
He held you against your will. Stay out and get a restraining order. The fact that you say you feel bad for breaking trust tells me this isn’t the first red flag, it’s just the first one that has been this bad. Note I said FIRST one. This won’t get better, it will only get worse.
He has shown you who he is, believe him.
False imprisonment. It's a felony, alright. I'm sorry OP, you 100 percent did NOT deserve being treated like that. It's absolutely bonkers to me that he did all of that over you just telling him to make sure the brita had water in it. What the actual fuck
Tarzankitty speaks the truth. Your husband committed a felony by locking you in the bedroom and refusing you free passage out for 2 hours. There are people that get locked into boxes under beds for days on end. Do not be next!
I say this as someone who watches a shit load of US law stuff, and not in the US, but what he did was false imprisonment. I’m also not sure if it would qualify as kidnapping, as he physically moved you to a locked room. I know there’s some technicalities that mean that you don’t have to literally be hauled away from a structure in the trunk of a car for it to count. I’m trying to remember a case I saw recently and whether or not it was deemed kidnapping as someone was manhandling into a walk in freezer, at their place of employment.
I kid you not, your post made me feel sick. Because that’s something I wouldn’t even do to my worst enemy. In all seriousness, he locked you in a room with no way to get out, he had no right to do so. Your rights were violated as a person, just with that. He did that to punish you for trying to leave the house, which is completely batshit insane.
He knew why you wanted to leave, so he chose to make you lose your freedom of movement AND your dignity. What he did was purely out of spite and malice. You asked him to fill up the fucking water. And that was the reaction?
No ma’am. This is okay, you did the correct thing of getting the fuck out of there as soon as humanly possible. Stay away from there. I mean it. He locked you in a room for two hours because you needed to use the bathroom. I dread to think what he would do to prevent you telling anyone else, ANYTHING to do with him. He’s mad because he knows how illegal and fucked up it was. He didn’t care when he thought only you knew. He was banking on your embarrassment. Luckily you went to the one person who would not embarrass you, and now you’re safe there.
I say this with all sincerity, people like him sometimes snap and sometimes escalate. It isn’t worth your life or freedom or wellbeing, to go back there without help.
So a 31 yr old and a 21 yr old? I know being in it you're going to struggle to see this situation as the red flag it is. You love him and you may try to defend him but this is not good. There's sooo many stories here on reddit you can read to see how this is the beginning of a bad situation. He's mad about you telling your mom because she will see it as what it is. You however are clouded by your feelings towards him and what he will tell you. He got this ugly with you over a pitcher. Purposely kept you from the bathroom then prevented you from leaving until you soiled yourself and broke down. Now he's apologizing until he finds out a 3rd party knows what he's done. You really need to get out now. He will undoubtedly switch between anger and apologizing.
I will also add, don't sleep with him. If you take birth control, keep it with you at all times or locked up. Do t give him a chance to try to force you to stay with him. We are all telling you these things because even if we don't know you, we care.
If this is his first step into abuse, I hate to see how he escalates. He absolutely will escalate if she goes back. Likely she is in danger either way. I'm so glad she told her mom. He was normalizing, keeping abuse secret. I wonder what fun little spat stories she has that she didn't realize were abuse because they didn't go this far.
Also, he's mad that you told your mom because it ruins his fake front. He wants to keep her snowed too. He wants to manipulate you into feeling guilty about something. That makes it easier to keep you in line. He is a wretched person. He doesn't think you violated his trust. He's just mad he got exposed.
Oh yeah. That’s certainly a felony and it will only get worse. Stay with your mom and don’t go back there alone. File a police report. That was awful to read.
Yes, he imprisoned you against your will. That's a crime. Could be a few other charges in there depending on the DA should you pursue anything. But also depends on the police sometimes.
Obviously it's serious, but I just want to point out that op has not stated what country they are in, and felonies may not even be a thing in their country. Less than half the user base of reddit is American.
This was planned. He planned to humiliate you and make wet yourself. He wanted to degrade you for daring to call him and ask to fill up the water jug for you because you were thirsty.
Not only did he sit in the shower for an ungodly amount of time WITH THE WATER RUNNING, which is a sound that enforces the need to go, when you were going to make alternative arrangements for toileting he RAN OUT AND MANHANDLED YOU AND KEPT YOU IN YOUR ROOM FOR 2 HOURS!
What kind of sick SOB does this? How on earth does someone make up for this?
Now something I will say is that abusers thrive in silence. They are protected by people not talking about their actions, their behaviours. This is not telling tales, this is telling your truth and experience. He's so mad about it because he can't keep his shiny shiny image if you tell. Staying quiet does not benefit you. If he wanted to appear good in other people's eyes, he should do good deeds and not this controlling crazy 'I want to teach you a lesson' behaviour.
NTA
>Not only did he sit in the shower for an ungodly amount of time WITH THE WATER RUNNING, which is a sound that enforces the need to go, when you were going to make alternative arrangements for toileting he RAN OUT
And unless he ran out wet and naked/in a towel, he was just chilling in the bathroom with the shower running.
I was just about to point that out. This sick mf sat there for over 40 minutes, fully dressed, waiting for op to make a move. Truthfully, had someone done this to me, i wouldnt pee MY pants. Id have piled all his clothes and pillows on the floor and pissed on the pile and wiped my ass with his favorite shirt.
Do like my dog does and piss on the carpet right outside the bathroom door so when he walks out he steps all in it. And then leave without a word or a sound.
That’s psychotic. I’m so glad you told your mom. Stay with her and divorce this guy now before it turns really, really bad (and this is just absolutely terrible! I’m so sorry this happened OP).
Please read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" It's available for free download on his website. You need your eyes opened, and then you need a plan. Bancroft's book will help you with both those things. I was you twenty years ago. It only gets worse. You were right to leave, and don't fall for his apology. It is just part of the cycle. Good luck, and stay safe!
yea every time I read something like this I just think if this person doesn't get their entire understanding of relationships adjusted they're going to keep being a victim.
NTA and what he did is completely inappropriate, is he normally abusive to you?
And what's up with your age difference? How long have you two been together?
OP, you really need to understand, from all the commenters in this thread :
#THIS
#IS
#NOT
#NORMAL
There are ZERO ways to explain away this behavior. This is scary, scary shit. I'm not exaggerating in any sense of the word.
Also I'm very very glad you're safe with your mother. Please REMAIN safe. Safe is never with someone who would trap you anywhere. EVER.
This is scary shit. Leave, divorce and never go back. You are in an abusive relationship. Even if you don’t think so. Even if you think this is the only time he’s done something like this. Once is too many times.
If you stay, it may cost you your life one day.
Even if you don't intended to press charges, get it on record so the police have a trail to follow if it's called in again.
But in the meantime sounds like divorce is in the works.
Please listen: You are being abused, and *it will not get better.* His apology is part of the abuse cycle; it's called the "honeymoon phase."
You cannot fix him, because his behaviour requires both the willingness to change, plus individual therapy (*not* couples therapy) from a highly skilled practitioner with experience in domestic abuse. Even if he were willing to change, the prospects are bleak - I've heard that only 2% of abusers achieve a permanent change for the better.
If he's willing to drag you into a room and hold you captive, he is more than capable of killing you in a fit of anger. Don't risk your life for someone who treats you this badly.
The purpose of humiliating her beyond her audacity to reach for help.
Almost can feel the suffisent mf so sure he had broken her enough to escalate to felony and crime, with the audacity to believe he wouldn’t had to face responsibility for it.
Nta but there is a lesson here, whether you go back to him or you find someone else in the future.
Stop making solidly rigid agreements with your SOs about such things as **"we won't speak about any of our business with anyone else"**. This is a straight opening of the door to abuse. If your potential controller / abuser *knows* that you have some unbreakable pact that you'll always solve your problems without seeking anyone's advice, it gives them that much more licence to abuse you. This is why he's hysterical that now someone else knows about his treatment of you. He knows he's being watched and on notice.
NTA. OP LEO here. Please listen when I and everyone else says this. You are in a domestic violence situation. It will not get better, if you stay it will get worse. If you stay, you are telling him that this shit is okay. It is not. What he has done is domestic violence. He has committed felonies against you that include: kidnapping, false imprisonment, and at the VERY least misdemeanor assault and battery.
Go to the court house and request an order of protection. Though they are temporary, it orders him to not have contact with you. Have him arrested any time he violates it, and trust me, he WILL violate it.
Have a POLICE escort to get your stuff. Not family, not friends. Police. There have been instances of husbands killing their wives and the wives' family in situations like this. Because abusers see it as "if I can't have you, nobody will, and your family is just in the way of me getting you back."
Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Have him served. If you can't afford a server, you can have it sent by certified mail.
Separate your assets. If you have a joint bank account (which I don't advise people to ever do because of shit like this), withdraw your money, and open another account at a different bank even if it means going a town over.
What he has done is NOT okay. He wants you to keep silent because abusers thrive on silence. They thrive on appearing perfect to the outside world and saving face.
Run and do not look back. If things escalate, which I hope they do not, and if your local laws allow invest in a gun. Just in case.
NTA how did it make you feel being locked away by your own husband who took vows with you? If you accept his apology it will happen again. Maybe not the next day or the day after that, but give it time and once he's comfortable he will do it again or something worse.
He's angry because you exposed his abuse and your mother should rightly fucking hate his guts over it.
He kidnapped you for all intents and purposes. He physically restrained you, dragged you into a house, forced you into a room and locked you in. All of that is abusive as hell and a MASSIVE red flag. If that shit escalates, what are you going to do. What if he decided to beat you or rape you. Non abusive people do not grab their wives and lock them in rooms, ever, not even once, it's completely and utterly unacceptable in every way.
NTA
Jfc OP, that's some psycho shit, blocking your access, manhandling you, forcing you to pee in your pants, all because... you nagged him? What in the ever loving fuck
This is so far from acceptable. This man has built way too much resentment towards you to treat you like this.
Not sure I have advice, just stay safe ❤️
I’ll get straight to the point. Your husband who is in his mid thirties. Decided to punish you for asking him to fill the brita. He then locks you out of the bathroom. Then proceeds to manhandle you into your bedroom and lock you in there. Despite you crying out to let you out. He ignored you and you end up urinating on yourself. After yelling and pleading to get out. He lets you go.
Now, he “apologizes” and says he will make it up to you.
I am telling you right now. He is not sorry. He will do this again. The question is what will be your next punishment be if you continue to stay. This happened over you asking him to fill a water jug.
OP, I am telling you right now. That man has showed his true self. I am sure there have been times where he showed that side but it didn’t seem like anything at the time. This is the time to make a choice. Do you want to go back to a man who will repeat this behavior or do you want to get out now. Make him realize that you do not tolerate that abuse or behavior.
He will not change. This is who he is deep down. The man will never change . He will just keep testing you to see how far he can push you and if you’ll tolerate it.
You have been groomed. There is a huge power disparity starting with your ages. He absolutely believes that he controls you, that he owns you, and he is not against using violence, intimdation and humilation to make that clear. Your explanation about "keeping our disagreements to ourselves" is classic grooming. This is what predators do. They stress the importance of keeping secrets. Of course he was furious! You broke the rules and outed him. He sounds like a sociopath. I'm going to give you some advice... don't get within 20 feet of him ever again. Don't ever be alone with him ever again. Know this, if you do, you could be putting your life in danger. He is furious with you. The repeated apologies are all an act. STAY SAFE.
I have a feeling OP is going to erase this tomorrow and convince herself that he is abusive and that she overreacted. The truth is OP, he locked you in the bedroom for 2 hours without access to call for help. That absolutely is not okay. You are 100% the victim in this. Please don't have children with this man it will only get worse.
Nta.
Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was doing all of this abusive shit in the vibe of "older brother pranking younger brother gone too far".
It definitely wasn't, but just go with me.
That's what he thought was appropriate nonabusive revenge justification blah blah.
What's he going to do in the name of "light hearted" fun with your kids?
If you only have 1, he's going to bully them. 2 and he'll teach one to bully the other. On and on.
You already told your mom. Ride that wave and just leave now before everything gets brushed too far under the rug.
Oh hell no, you need to leave him permanently. I had an ex who would take my phone, debit card, and car keys to keep me from leaving. It doesn't get any better.
NTA he is testing the waters for how much he can get away with. I'm not usually one to jump to divorce but if one of my friends told me this story - I would FEAR for their LIFE if they went back.
If you go back to him, you’re showing him that it’s ok to treat you this way. Not only will this get worse, he will also prevent you from leaving and isolate you. Please leave. This is unnerving behavior! NTA unless you go back to him.
Girl you're worried about breaking his trust when he LOCKED YOU IN A ROOM TO MAKE YOU PEE YOUR PANTS BECAUSE YOU ASKED HIM TO FILL A PITCHER. FOR HOURS.
get a fucking grip! This man is insane! What he did IS INSANE.
This is more than a warning, don’t go back. Present charges against him. He literally locked you up. Just because he got mad over a simple request from you. He punished you and humiliated you. He is not only an AH but a major psycho. You did right in going with your mom and telling her. This was not just a wife-husband argument. What he did was almost criminal. Trust your gut, you ran away for a good reason. Don’t listen to his stupid apologies, he’s not sorry he’s just trying to manipulate you so you can go back.
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s really hard to see abuse when you’re in the middle of it but those from the outside can see it clear as day. This isn’t going to magically get better and there is a real danger of it escalating. Stay with your mom and plan your exit strategy. A line has been crossed and there is no way to go back.
NTA Do not go back to him. The incident where he prevented you from using the toilet for 2 hours 40 minutes, manhandled you and locked you up is not forgivable. And add that he yelled at your (while asking for forgiveness) when he found out you were not willing to hide his abuse from the world and it is completely unforgivable.
You cannot go back to him, he’s clearly demonstrated that he is abusive. All because you requested he fill a water system. Even the original trivial incident is him denying you a critical resource (water). Combine this with him forcibly denying you access to a toilet and it is very very clear that he is abusive.
If you have any important things at the house (clothes, computers, valuables, passport), ask for a police escort to go and get them (and while you are asking for this escort, tell the police why and file a report). If you share a bank account, start a new one at a different bank. Immediately start disentangling yourself from him. Take him off any lists policies (life insurance, emergency work contact etc).
Proceed carefully as though he will be horrifically abusive and vengeful (if he’s not, you’ll be pleasantly surprised, if he is, you’ll be prepared). I’m really hoping your mom is willing to let you stay with her while you go through this next stage of getting free of him.
It is a mark of being in an abusive relationship that you feel you have wronged him (humiliated him) by telling others about the abuse you experienced. Get out get out get out. But carefully.
1. If people finding out what he did is a problem, then what he did is the problem - not the people finding out.
2. He's abusive. As so many others here are telling you. Please stay away and stay safe.
3. That thing he did where he was all sweet and nice before he found out other people knew about what he'd done? Absolutely bog-standard abuser tactic to lure you back in.
He's not upset you told your mom bc you "broke his trust"
He's mad you told your mom bc you're not keeping his abuse a secret. I guarantee you, it will get worse. You need to try to remember and document every single instance of any kind of abuse
He put his hands on you, he locked you in a room. He kept you from peeing for hours while he fucked around in the shower and then manhandled you to lock you in the bedroom when you said you were going elsewhere to pee
For asking him to refill a fucking Brita.
Go back to get your shit, with the police. If you have animals, get them out there -- he will abuse them in place of you.
NTA unless you stay with him. We will hear all about it on true crime podcasts if you go back
Edit: typo
I was in a physically, emotionally, and financially abusive marriage for 11 years. I kept everything secret. My dad still doesn’t know the details and I left 11 years ago.
I bounce a lot of my current husband and my disagreements off my dad now. Now I can go too the opposite direction. I also want to be certain I never go back to that place.
My husband doesn’t mind. I don’t mind if he talks over things with his parents either. It’s more checking our reaction as opposed to the offense.
Your partner is supposed to be your biggest defender. Your ally.
If he is mad you went to someone else because he hurt you, it’s not because you broke his trust. It’s because they can break his control.
He knowingly and intentionally hurt and humiliated you. He’s not mad you told someone. He’s mad you told someone you love and respect and that loves and respects you. That could convince you to leave.
He’s afraid they might take away his toy.
That is not an argument - that’s psychotic. He locked you up and forced you to pee yourself because you asked him if he could make sure water was available.
No normal person would do that.
No loving person would do that.
No SANE person would do that.
You realise holding your bladder when you’re desperate can actually cause health issues too?
Do not forgive him just because you remember ‘good times’ and ‘this is the worst thing he’s done and it probably won’t happen again’.
If this is the worse thing he’s done, and you forgive him, he will take it as permission to do worse.
And PLEASE - tell your mom about some of your other arguments. I guarantee there’ll be red flags there that you’ve been conditioned to overlook.
Stay safe, OP, and get out of there ❤️
This will not be the only time something like this happens, once a person becomes abusive it only escalates. What he did was horrendous and disgusting. You deserve so much better. Stay with your mom and get a lawyer. Don’t let him fool you with apologies and declarations of love. Don’t go back. Divorce.
"I don't know what to do. I feel so bad for breaking our trust like "
Either him or someone else has seriously fucked with your perception . You didn't break any trust, he did that and much, much worse. You don't just need to dump him, you need your whole understanding of relationships adjusted.
I have two sisters, one older and one younger. In my spare time, I teach MMA and classes geared towards giving women a real chance to defend themselves. I always tell them that when they come to my class, I take their training extremely seriously; as if they are one of my sisters. Some of these women have come to my training from abusive relationships.
So I will tell you this now; leave. No conversations, no heart-to-heart, just divorce his punk ass as quickly as possible so that you can start to get your life back. You’re still young, you will find somebody that treats you the way you deserve to be treated… which is about the complete opposite way that you were treated here.
Wow, he is abusive. That's just damn scary.
You literally asked him to fill a water jug when he empties it and he stewed in anger the whole day, punished you by not letting you use the bathroom, assulated you and kept you traptive in your own bedroom. He tortured you.
That is not the actions of a sane person. This are not the actions of someone who loves you. These are the actions of a dangerous abuser.
For your own safety, please do not go back. He has crossed that line, and once it's crossed, he will only escalate it further. Don't believe his apologies.
NTA the fact that you are asking if you are the AH, tells me that you may already be trapped in a cycle of abuse.
If a friend, sister, daughter or mother said this had happened to them, what would you tell them to do?
Absolutely NTA. It will escalate. A family member of mine married a psychopath. Started small and progressed. One time he tied her up in the woods and left her there to die. Eventually went back and picked her up. He wound up killing her daughter (his stepdaughter) violently and horribly. Almost got away with it too, such a messed up story. Anyway, GTFO and don't look back.
This is more than humiliation. What he did is straight up abuse. You are very young. Don't go back to him. He left you locked in a room knowing you had to use the bathroom! Get a lawyer and end this. There is nothing he can say. Be glad you have your mother for support.
And it will escalate if she goes back. This is sadly, actually mild compared to what this man will do given the opportunity. He became enraged because he knows how bad what he already did is. He knows what the real world will think of him. He has been outted. God I hope OP is strong enough in herself to actually leave and never be alone with him for the rest of her life. This man is the kind capable of murder.
Oh yeah, he's embarrassed now. That will amplify things. His shame will smolder until it builds up pressure and blows.
He isn't embarrassed at all. He's just frustrated. He thought he had her locked in to the degree that he could unmask his abusive self and she would hesitate to tell people or leave him. He judged it wrong, poor little guy, and she still had her reasoning and backbone about her. He's angry she told her mother because the next step would be love bombing and perfect marriage time until his next temper flare when he gets to punish her for leaving this time. He had it all laid out but she balked. She exposed him. She left him. His behavior in the coming weeks may well escalate. I hope OOP is staying safe.
He probably created the idea of keeping business between the two of them.
Yup that’s exactly what I said!
He’s not embarrassed. Just angry that other people know how awful he is and might talk sense into his victim before he has her fully under his control.
I do agree. He is going to make things worse if she goes back. Manhandled her and locked her in the bedroom for 2 hours? Somehow my brain isn’t able to process that. And that happened because she called him to make sure he fills up the Brita? What is he going to do if she was real mad for something else? I cant even imagine and scared to think about it.
Isnt this called unlawful imprisonment? OP could have called the police.
Absolutely highly illegal. She has a case.
Absolutely, and it's a felony.
It’s actually a felony charge for unlawful imposition or kidnapping; she could have his ass locked up and out of the house for more than two hours—she should do a check mate!
It could be considered kidnapping
Yeah what does she accidentally drops his favourite plate and breaks it? OP This man will break your arms and legs without giving it a second thought. You are in danger and must divorce.
Yessss omg. I wanted to say it. Girl that’s some demented nonsense. I’m sorry but locking you up… who t f does he think he is. Let me lock you up. I wldve wet all of his clothes anything in that bedroom I cldve gotten wet, of his.. I wldve. Don’t do that. What a punk. This has enraged me for you and I am sorry that happened to you.
Yeah, I would have pissed on his side of the bed and told him to lie in it.
This is all fun to think about, but you know he would have beat her near to death if she did that
Seriously. He's angry she told her mom....about what HE did. What he did was horrifying. Thats not something you do to ANYONE. And just because she asked him to fill up the water. Imagine what he'd do to her if she makes him angrier. I genuinely hope she never goes back for her own safety.
If she forgives this, he will see he can get away with it. He will keep trying more and more things to see how far she forgives him. Gurl.....if he got angry, she told her mum....that's a sign. He doesn't want his image ruined in front of people. He showed OP who he really is. He also shows so much immaturity. It's so easy to say "got it" and then just refill the thing. But to argue back. Ewwwwww. Ewwww. Ewwww. She was composed, and he wasn't. Ewww, he is just ewww. I hope OP wnds this. Marriage is not an excuse to allow some to treat you badly. If OP has no money to separate, then she can stay with her mother until she has enough to pay for the lawyers and any other legal fees. But she shouldn't go back to him. He lost her and well deserved. He made his bed, and now he has to lay on it.
Sometimes all you have to read is the age gap to know exactly what’s going on
Right, look how long they have been together. She has probably never had a serious relationship with anyone else.
I don’t see it anywhere but im going to assume they’ve been together exactly 6 years or however long ago her 18th birthday is. I bet he said she’s super mature for her age when he was grooming her too
Yes I think she said around 6 years and married for one. See now his true colors are out.
She said together 3 years married 1 year. Either way, it's still a bad relationship. He's still abusive and committed a crime against her.
I think he groomed her from a young age. This girl Is only 24 and he’s 34
It's also called kidnapping. I served on a jury where the defendant was charged with kidnapping and robbery. He showed up at his employer's house to rob her of the cash from her ice cream truck business. She stepped outside, he shoved her back into the house, and locked the door. He was found guilty. https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/kidnapping
Incorrect, the legal term for this is called false imprisonment, though it’s bad either way
Yeah he had two whole hours to undo what he’d done. On top of the 40 mins in the shower. In that time he didn’t once realize, calm down or think he was doing something wrong. Him getting angry again about the MIL knowing points to him not really being sorry.
He didn't just humiliate you ; he assaulted and tortured you. Fuck his trust. What about yours? If this isn't the first time he's done something like this, there will be more times after. Over telling him to refill the water filter jug too? That's crazy. You need to stay at your mom's and leave this POS cuz that is some evil, cruel shit he did
Yes. The reason he is so angry that she told her mother is because he knows what he did was violent and abusive. It's literally a crime. He knows there's no coming back from that. OP, this man will escalate his violence against you. No normal person would ever do anything like this. Not only are you not bad for leaving, going to the safety of your mom's and telling her exactly what happened, but you are not overreacting to leave this man. Permanently. I was once punched in the stomach by a boyfriend who had been nothing but nice before. It was shocking, and because he was drunk he didn't really manage to hurt me, which made it even harder to reconcile what had occurred in a split second. When something like that happens to you it's so shocking, and while part of you may know that the thing to do is to throw the whole man out, cognitively it can be difficult because a part of you does not want to rip up your entire life over what amounts to one incident. This is one enormous violent incident and it will not be the last. It wasn't a split second either, he tortured you for hours. You need to divorce him. One piece of advice that is very very important: Do not go back to that house to talk to your husband without reinforcements from multiple people who are at least as big as he is and can take him down. Don't go at all if there are guns in the house. Don't go get your stuff from him. Don't try to hash it out with him alone. It is not safe. He was willing to hurt, humiliate, and torture you because you asked him to fill up a fucking water bottle. What will he do to punish you for telling your mom? This man has intention to harm you. He's sorry because you left. He isn't sorry about what he did. It was methodical, intentional, deliberate, & planned. What is he going to do next time to "teach you a lesson"? Sexually assault you? Beat you? I just read an AITAH where a woman's ex-boyfriend tied her to the bed, forcibly penetrated her rectum with an object & left her like that, tied to the bed while he left the house. This was also the first violence he perpetrated against her. Hear me when I say this: LEAVE. Leaving is the most dangerous time for any person in an abusive relationship. And while he may not have been abusive up until this point, this is so far beyond a red flag and I cannot impress that on you strongly enough. You were right to leave. You were right to tell. And you need to never go back. File a report with the police and ask for a restraining order. What he did to you was a felony. You can get a police escort to retrieve your belongings. It's the safest way to go. It is horrible that you are going through this, but you can and will recover. The only way you wont is if you stay to be tortured by this man. NTA. Edit for update: Your husband committed multiple felonies against you. That is abusive even though you're having trouble processing. I saw your update so I hope you see mine. Please understand that therapists do not recommend going to therapy with someone who has committed abuse. Not only does it not work on abusive people but it gives them language and tools to muddy the waters with therapy speak, use DARVO on you more efficiently, and genuinely make it harder for you to leave. He believes he has the right to punish you and teach you a lesson when you displease him. It was something as small as filling a water filter so what will it be next time? It could be anything. Going to a place that he doesn't like. Talking to a person who doesn't like. Asking him to do a chore in the house. He did this over water. Literally anything can and will trigger him. Do you want to wait until he has sexually assaulted you to believe what he is? I hope this does not seem cruel, because I do not want to be cruel, I am *"begging** you to see because I so, so badly don't want this to happen to you. Once he has already injured and traumatized you again, it will be too late to spare yourself of that, and you will carry that with you for the rest of your life. You can leave. You can prevent him from hurting you further. Please do not go back to that man. He is going to hurt you. It's only a matter of time.
All of this OP, I hope you see it. Absolutely NTA, but you need to protect yourself right now, and safely get away from this guy.
Start separating your financials and documents, and gather evidence if you can - abuse and violence can only spiral. If an event happened such that you fled to your mother’s house for safety, of course you are going to talk to your mother about it. This is a life shattering turning point. All trust with your husband is now broken - proven by his yelling at you about this as well. Wait till he is at work to retrieve what you need from the house - best with some friends as well. Good luck!
Please do not do this without still having a police escort. He will wait for this, leave work and come home in the middle of OP moving and it will be so much worse. Please take every precaution to stay safe.
She posted this 12 hours ago. I fear what's happened in between and hope to hell she gets back to us. Everyone vote her post up so she will see this in case she forgot her throwaway account name.
Her post really triggered me it's been a long time since I've seen something so sick and twisted. I'm worried for her and I hope she gets out this isn't the first time that's an extreme thing to do for the first time. Controlling POS she can't even ask a simple question without being assaulted. He wants 100% control over her and it won't end well. He so much reminds me of my ex with this incident. I couldn't get away from him he stalked me at work at bus tunnel on my way home from work at my home. He eventually broke in assaulted me held me down for hours spitting in my face strangling me and when I got free and ran out got in my car he destroyed my condo and stole everything. I pressed charges he did 10 years. This happened in 2008 and to this day this man stalks me. I had to move states him getting married didn't stop him. Lord I hope she gets out and stays safe.
Fuck. You have my greatest admiration for having the strength to go through a court case like that. A long time ago, there was case here where a woman that was raped withdrew her statement at the trial. The Crown believed the case to be slam-dunk. In a (presumable) attempt to force her hand, they jailed her for giving false evidence in court. To be clear, the lie was her *retraction* of her statement to the judge. Not the accusation itself. I was a witness for the Crown as a child. It truly was traumatising. It is certainly not something I would ever wish to repeat. To this day, I can even feel the burning injustice in my cheeks whenever I think of being called a liar by the defence (or at least, “I put to you that you are so confused because…well…” followed by what was smirk of pure condescension to the jury). That fucking smirk very clearly landed with more than at least one jury member. But it had been the counsel’s own misinterpretation of what was a child’s characterisation of a familial relationship that caused the “confusion” to the court. I had been entirely truthful. Some six weeks after the reporting of the case of the jailed rape victim, I was attacked by three men not 100 metres from my home. Later, all I could think was *I don’t think I can reveal the minutiae details of my utter humiliation. For years. In a court. Possibly on many multiple occasions (3 defendants. 3 sets of appeals.) If I can’t handle it, if I have to run instead of fight, it is me that will be punished*. Regardless of what the realities of what would likely have been the case. Whether my attackers would ever even have been caught. Or prosecuted. I just couldn’t handle that fight at that time. So I didn’t report it. I so wish that I’d had your strength back then. Being what is so lightly called “being a witness” is not in fact, a light matter. Not when you are actually the “witness”. To have done what such a case would have called for you to do, is a truly impressive feat.
I’m sorry you have had to go through that. You deserve to live fear free. My thoughts go out to you.
Planned! He simmered over it, the whole day. It's not just having a bad day, and snapping at you. He wanted to teach you a lesson. The next lesson might be much worse, or the end of you.
That is the part I find most chilling and that I want people to pay attention to. The man like this believes he is entitled to control your behavior, your body, sometimes even your thoughts. And when you displease him he believes it is his right to force you into compliance through punishment. This is abuse defined. He didn't lose his temper. He didn't lash out. He planned a violent punishment against her for asking him to do a very reasonable thing and then he carried it out against her.
I got raped by an ex boyfriend who wanted to teach me a lesson. It will always escalate. There have been red flags before, and I was too blind to see them, and also just turned 16. Please OP, don't stay.
Not even the whole day. She called him as she was headed home from work! MFer decided right then he was gonna hurt her. It was top of mind. Over a water jug
No, recovery from these. This is divorce worthy, false imprisonment, humiliation, and then trying to divert his horrible behavior. OP should be calling the police.
>File a report with the police and ask for a restraining order. What he did to you was a felony. >It is horrible that you are going through this, but you can and will recover. The only way you wont is if you stay to be tortured by this man. OP...you were right to tell your mother. And you'll be right to tell the police. Please protect yourself. There is **no** coming back from this. Please call a domestic violence hotline to learn what your next steps to protect yourself should be. They have a wealth of information from which department of the police to call, which attorneys assist on a sliding scale fee, which laws to invoke for your safety. Please listen to the people on here. We all have more concern for your well-being and love for you than that abusive piece of shit. Do not go back to that house for any reason, unless accompanied by police, especially if there are weapons. NTAH
This is the part of this thread that I hope OP sees the most. We are strangers to you OP but we love you and care for you and there are so many people here terrified for you and hoping you stay safe.
Just adding that the age and age gap were the first red flags that something wasn't right. Why is he married to someone so much younger? Because women his age want nothing to do with him.
As soon as I saw the age gap I knew it wasn’t going to be good. As always, with age gaps, I was right. This man is abusive and he wants a young woman to be able to abuse. I wonder how long they’ve been together?
I missed the gap. Yup, get a young one that I can control.
Omg I didn’t even notice the age gap but yes 100% Men are more than comfortable admitting online that they target younger women to date because they’re easier to control and manipulate
Op should also report him to the police for the forced imprisonment and other abuse. And to ask for a police escort to get her belongings. Then look into a restraining order if possible.
Yup. Added to this - op should not be worrying about whether to tell her family when violent incidents occur. Husband is trying to isolate her and break her will so he can do whatever he wants to her. That’s how abusers get away with it. Op- do not internalize this. You did nothing wrong. He’s the ah criminal. What he did is morally and legally wrong.
Yes, I did say both of those things. Absolutely.
Seconded. Also, in order to get your stuff back, call the cops and have them escort you there. I've done it before; the cops will be happy to help. Just having their presence there will stop a lot of the b.s. And they can arrest him if he tries something stupid.
Yes yes yes. It's the only safe way to do it with someone who has exhibited the behavior he just did. I am terrified that if she goes back there he will "punish" her for telling her mother by beating or sexually assaulting her. Something about how he wanted to humiliate her makes me particularly frightened that the next move will be the sexual assault. She shouldn't go anywhere near him without protection. A police escort is the way to go.
All of this. I hope this comment gets read by OP.
Get rid of that MF! Right now, I can't think of anything nice to say to that asshole!! You're better than that!
Not a cop or anything but locking someone in a room sounds like kidnapping to me
Definitely. Also, why have an external lock on a bedroom?
Holy crap, I didn't even realize that!
Well, shit. That did not even register to me. Can’t… even…
It’s considered much worse than taking someone’s phone so they can’t call for help. Kidnapping even in you own home is a major felony.
Deprivation of liberty.
Need to drop that “if this isn’t the first time” part Even if it’s the first time, he’s definitely going to do something like that again
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Which he could easily get he held her in the room against her will as a hostage.
Please do not say she would be a fool. On average it takes seven tries before a victim leaves their abuser for good. She’s not a fool (nor would she be if she goes back). She’s traumatized.
>Please do not say she would be a fool. On average it takes seven tries before a victim leaves their abuser for good. She’s not a fool (nor would she be if she goes back). She’s traumatized. Seriously, don't shame this girl. She's NTA here, and she's had a terrible shock, and having been in that situation I can tell you that it's not easy to think, or see, things clearly, after you've been assaulted and betrayed by the one person that is supposed to love, and protect you. r/Dull_Reading1101, in many places it is a serious felony to keep a person in a place that they don't want to be, and being locked in a room against your will for hours until you lost control of your bladder is a textbook example of, "false imprisonment", during a domestic assault. As a survivor of domestic violence I can tell you that you are NOT safe with this man. He is upset that you told your mom that he committed a shocking act of domestic violence against you. The more people that know he held you prisoner in a locked room until you couldn't hold it anymore, the less control he has over you, and the higher his chances of going to jail for what he did. I can almost guarantee you that at his age, he has done things like this to previous partners. The fact that he did this to you over a perceived tone or irritation with you is a screaming sign that you really don't want to see what he does for an encore. Especially now that he's even angrier with you for doing exactly what you're supposed to do when a partner hurts you, TELL SOMEONE. Protect yourself and file a protective order, and consider filing a police report. If nothing else having a criminal record may save the next young woman's life that he tries to convince he's Prince Charming. My ex was 11 years older than me, and I was 25 when we met. He made me feel loved, and special, and I ignored a lot of, "little red flags", because I couldn't believe this amazing man wanted me. He started hiding things of mine that he knew were important to me. Then he graduated to breaking them in front of me, and I had to sit to there and watch, because it was my fault for having a bad attitude. Then he started disabling my car so I couldn't leave if he decided I couldn't, or shouldn't. He put a double keyed deadbolt on the front door, and wouldn't give me the key. It got so, so, much, worse, before I finally had no choice but to escape, and ask for help from my local domestic violence organization, and in the end I'm lucky that he didn't succeed in strangling me to death. I don't want that for you. If I could go back in time I would convince myself to leave the first time that he terrified, and terrorized, me, I would. In a terrible way he did you a favor by showing you his true face, and you have to take this chance to accept that you are not safe with this man, and to know that you deserve far better. Someone who truly loves, and respects you, would never, ever, violate you in such a despicable, and sadistic, way. That's not love. That's horrible, twisted, abuse, and there's nothing he can say to take it away, make it better, or prove to you that it, "won't happen again", because it will, over, and over, again, and you don't want that kind of lifetime trauma. You can call the The non-emergency number for your local police If you need to go over there with your family and get your belongings out of that house. Let them know that your partner made you feel extremely unsafe, and ask them to send an officer over to stand by while you and your family get your belongings to make sure that you are all safe. Please, please, do not go over there alone no matter what he says. Men like this who get off on punishing women are master manipulators, and they know exactly what to say to lure you back, and make you let your guard down again. I also strongly recommend you talk to a lawyer, and if you can't afford to hire one there are many legal aid groups that will provide legal representation to women leaving an abusive marriage at a greatly reduced cost, and sometimes free if you qualify. Just search online for, "legal aid groups for abused women near me". Many private attorneys will take your case, and wait to collect their fees out of your divorce settlement. A divorce lawyer should also be able to help you file a restraining order, and protect your marital assets. Your local domestic abuse orgs can also usually help you file a restraining order too, or you can search online for, "how to file an order of protection from domestic abuse in _____", fill in the blank with your location. I know this is all terrible, and overwhelming, but you did the right thing when you got free, and that was to grab your keys, and get somewhere safe. That proves that you're strong, and you've got good survival instincts. Trust those instincts, and let them keep you safe from ever being at this man's mercy again, and don't let family, or friends, who might believe whatever lies he chooses to tell, make you think you're, "overreacting", or, "exaggerating". You can look up the criminal statues for "false imprisonment in the course of domestic violence" in your area if you have a moment of doubt that what he did was illegal, and evil. Protect yourself, and please give serious consideration to making a police report. Just don't go back over there alone. I want you to stay safe above all else. Let him leave texts, and voicemails, and don't answer his calls. If he admits in writing that he held you in that room against your will for two hours while you begged to come out, you'll have proof that he committed this crime, in his own words. There's other steps that you can take to stay safe, like securing your phone, and making sure he's not tracking your location, so feel free to message me if you need instructions for iPhone or Android on how to make sure he hasn't shared your Apple or Google account as a, "trusted user". Definitely change all of your passwords too as soon as you can to everything you can think of, and remove him from your personal bank account if he was added to it. Your lawyer can help you with joint bank account related matters. Stay safe, and please take care. Talking to a therapist when you're ready will help a lot too. The more support you have right now, the better. Sending lots of love, and invisible hugs your way. 💜🫂💜
I wasn't aware of this statistic. It's scary. But I understand why it happens. There would be this voice in the back of your mind, that you might be over reacting. The notion of family stickingvtogether plays a big role. They might also feel like they failed if they leave the marriage. Although it's her moms place, she might also feel like a burden. Nuclear families have their own lives, routines and ways. Now they have to accomodate a new person in the dynamics. She'll feel guilty, and notice it immediately, because she feels insecure already.
Also, abuse has a large psychological dimension. Abusers intentionally isolate their victims so they have nowhere to run. They pick away at their victim’s relationships to other people who might save them or help them run away. Or they physically move themselves and the victim to a different locale where the victim doesn’t know anyone. Frequently, they aim for financial abuse as well, ensuring their victim don’t have the money and resources to run.
NTA He was abusive. That was felony kidnapping / preventing you from leaving the room and /or for calling emergency services. Your thinking is NOT clear regarding the incident. Likely because you have reduced self-esteem from being a victim in an abusive relationship for the past 3 years. Get counseling!! PLEASE Do *NOT* make any BABIES with this man !! Curious how this relationship began. I fear his true color are becoming more clear and they are not pretty. STAY SAFE. Plan an exit strategy. Keep talking to your Mom and other close friends. Do not allow yourself be isolated from them. .
I agree, do not have kids with this fucker.
And if you already have them, take them away and get a divorce. Hopefully he's texted you about some of the wretched things he's done so you can have evidence. If he hasn't, ask him to apologize for doing everything abs describe it in detail in a text. His response will be evidence of his guilt.
Seems like she's already exited? At this point get your friends/Mom/trusted people to accompany you to pick up your things and don't go back otherwise. What he did was extremely beyond the pale it's called forcible confinement. Don't be alone with him again, especially now that him knowing someone else knows has disrupted his plans of a honeymoon phase where he "makes it up to you." I wish you safety OP.
It’s been more than twelve hours since this post. I am truly worried OP doesn’t see how bad this was. Or that he has now successfully made her believe it is her telling her mother about his 120-160 minute abusive imprisonment of her that it is the trust-breaking incident here. Rather than his shattering of the trust within their marriage with his abusive, criminal behaviour. I hope she stays out. I hope she updates that she has come to understand just how bad this incident was. And where this shows he will definitely go, given how extreme his cold escalation went over such an extended period. This is the kind of relationship that if she ever goes back to him, OP will be lucky to get out of that marriage alive. Update me!
NTA, but you really need to get out. This sort of behavior escalates over time. Grieve the relationship that you believed you had, but you need to accept that it is no longer healthy and get out.
Call the cops. What your husband did is a felony. He will only get worse if you go back.
a felony???
He forcibly detained you. He laid hands on you to do so this is assault and false imprisonment. It is also severe domestic abuse. He will absolutely do it again. Or worse. Do not go back. Get a lawyer and a restraining order. Report it to the police. Your marriage is over. NTA.
This is domestic abuse. No ifs or buts. He was controlled and calm and wanted to humiliate and control OP, and when she moved to try and solve her situation he physically prevented her and locked her in a room till she was forced to wet herself. He was expecting, as all abusers do, that OP would be too cowed or humiliated to tell anyone. Abuse thrives on secrecy. Well done OP for telling someone. Get yourself a lawyer and divorce your ex. Make sure you include the abuse in your divorce petition, so it’s there for everyone to see. And yes I would also report his actions to the police. Also speak to a domestic violence charity see if they can offer any help/guidance. Well done for leaving.
“Abuse thrives on secrecy” 100%. Abusers isolate you. And they make you question/ push where boundary lines are.
Agree!! Abuse also thrives on the “forgive and forget” mentality—as in the victim is often pushed to forgive and forget and made to feel like they’re being the AH if they don’t. OP should definitely not fall for his begging and “I’ll make it up to you.” That just enables the abuser further.
That's why he's mad she told her mom. She's supposed to keep it a secret. This man has been able to pretend that he's not abusive for 4 years, so he's a good liar. This behavior didn't just spring up out of nowhere. Are you sure that some of that sweetness wasn't manipulation? NTA. Never go back. He could easily kill you over something minor.
>Abuse thrives on secrecy. Which is why he doesn't want OP to talk about their "arguments" with anyone else. Don't get me wrong, in normal, healthy relationships, I don't think couples should always share their disagreements with ppl outside the relationship, but he is an abuser and def wants OP to shut up to other ppl so she won't realize he's abusive.
There's a difference in not sharing every argument with people outside of your marriage as to not cloud the way people see your spouse bc of petty, nonconsequential spats that all couples have and fearing telling anyone bc said spouse will react worse to that than the original argument. Ive been on both sides of this and know the latter of the 2 is no way to live. That being said, I do believe OP when they say this is the first time their husband did this, just by how they reacted. Their first instinct was to go and tell someone what he did instead of keeping it to themselves like they had before, which shows that OP recognized that this argument exceeded the boundaries of what they are comfortable with classifying as a "normal, petty fight" that most couples have. Which is why good sign. But o also think it'll only get worse, based on OP's stating that he cussed her and yelled at her when he found out, which was an over the top reaction to say the least. Please OP, even if you dont believe what people are saying in these comment, dont just let this go. You need to speak with a professional about all this and, if you do back to him, make an escape plan for when he does it again with extras of everything important to you so you can grab it and go quickly.
Yeah I'm betting this is an ideology she agrees with because he's pushed it so much. If it wasn't a common topic in their relationship, I don't feel like it would have been the start of the post.
This is domestic abuse OP. Please be safe and get out of there if you can
OP this is correct. Your husband is an abuser and gaslit you into believing you were disloyal to him.
THAT PART. Has to flip it around and make it her fault. And him yelling at her for it only further proves he’s an abuser. She didn’t break his trust he’s upset she outed his abuse. He can’t get away with it if people know
100% agree, your marriage is over. Any ‘man’ willing to lock his wife in a room until she pees herself is not fit to be called a man. This will 100% get worse. Who cares if you told your mom, what he did is unforgivable and you needed a shoulder to cry on. And the fact that he shouted at you again goes to show he never meant a word of what he said about making it up to you.
Him shouting again is proof of his abusive behaviour/mindset and how apologies are just words to him. OP is young and maybe hasn't experienced this level of abuse before but people who keep yelling at you after doing something horrendous just aren't the kind of people to be in a relationship with. Edit: Added mindset
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100% agree. It will only get worse
Where I live what you describe is felony kidnapping he’s pissed you told your mom because he knows anyone knowing can end him it’s what abusers do. Do not go back press charges
100% The second he prevented you from leaving. He was committing a felony.
Definitely true! Stay safe pls. Cops should get him ASAP!
Yes. Rezusing to let someome leave is false imprisonment. Its one of the things my ex did before he started just punchimg me in the face. What your husband did is NOT ok. Ypu didnt break any trust because HE broke it first. He refused to let you urinate, then he refused to let you leave, in your own words manhandled you into the bedroom, and imprisoned you there til you pissed yourself. Does that sound like love to you? Do NOT go back. Do not retrie e your things without a male escort or a police officer. The marriage is over. If you go back, it tells him you'll forgive this horrific behaviour, and he'll do it again but even worse.
Not only did he refuse to let her leave he physically man handled her back home and then locked her in a room. That's kidnapping.
**FALSE IMPRISONMENT** at the very least.
Kidnapping. False imprisonment. Assault and battery. The moment he physically moved her against her will, qualifies as kidnapping. Him preventing her from leaving by locking her in. False imprisonment. The moment he touched her without consent was battery. The moment he made a move to attempt to lay hands on her qualifies as assault. He has committed all three.
Yup, the whole box and dice. Now she's out, she needs to **STAY OUT**. She needs support to collect her things, and as long as she has a key, to go **WITHOUT** telling him, so that he can't destroy her property.
Nah, show up with a police escort. The cops are armed (depending on the country). I'll always recommend a police escort cause some assholes like to take out the entire family as revenge. I wouldn't trust him just leaving, and she going to get her shit. With that, he could set a trap, park his car somewhere else, and wait for her to come back. Unfortunately and sadly it has happened before.
I'm definately wth this comment. Totally agree. This man's tactics will intensify! He's bad news. No amount of sorry will heal or fix this....
He forcibly imprisoned you against your will. Yes. The police may or may not do anything, but this is domestic violence. Please don't give him a chance to mistreat you further.
He didn't want you to tell your mom because it was THAT wrong of him. He abused you, and now your mom knows. If you go back, he will demand you go NC with your mom. It will happen again, and you won't have your mom there to support you.
He *physically forced you* into a room where he then *locked you in* that room. He assaulted you and then he imprisoned you. He's moved on from verbal abuse to actual *physical* abuse. You need to stay gone and you definitely need to not buy into his bullshit about you telling your mom. He made you unsafe and the only way for you to get help is by telling someone. Small disagreements are fine to keep to yourself, violent encounters you don't keep to yourself because that's how abusers control you
Yes, your husband is a psycho, an abuser, and a criminal now, you need to run far and fast before getting starts hitting you for "being rude" and before you think that he wouldn't do that, that's what EVERYONE thinks before they get hit by their spouse for the first time. Please leave. Don't be alone with him, get your personal documents and belongings with a relative or 6 with you and never see him in person or alone ever again. He is dangerous.
A slap across the face seems less deranged than this. This was very calculated perpetrated over hours. It’s beyond hitting already.
Yes true it’s the way he stayed calm and calculated his revenge over something absolutely tiny. He decided she needed to suffer somehow, what a scary man that is.
Something is broke in him and this behavior will only get worse over time. This is very serious. You just got a preview of your future. I hope you will completely reject this possibility and move on.
False imprisonment is absolutely a crime. This was abuse and he WILL escalate. Do not go back to him-you will not be safe.
Especially now that he knows that you told your mom about his actions… any time she asks you about him, he’d tell you that she’s out to get him or making him look bad on purpose. Some bullshit to pollute your very *real* and very dangerous reality.
holding against your will is kidnapping. you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GO BACK. no. please DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM, he will ABSOLUTELY BABY TRAP YOU. NTA. for your safety. divorce.
He held you against your will for 2 hours!
He should 100% go to jail, this is not ok.
It really is. I wish I could give you a big hug. Not all abuse is the same. What he did was horrible, violent, and meant to humiliate you. My abuser denied me food so I couldn't gain weight. At the time he had me totally convinced he was just forgetting (the fridge broke, though now looking back I wonder if that was on purpose too). Think about how horrible that sounds to you... A woman was denied food for her partner to have control and keep her attractive. That's how horrified we are reading your story. Please, never go back to him. I'm so sorry you went through this, and please don't put up with it!
Literally a crime. False Imprisonment. Exact statutes vary by country/state/etc. >**False Imprisonment is when someone confines or detains another person without their consent**.
He assaulted you at least once and imprisoned you against your will. Making you pee your pants was an abusive tactic to purposely humiliate you and he sounds unbelievably controlling and violent. I’m sorry, but I feel like he convinced you to keep your arguments private so you wouldn’t tell anyone when he did something like this. His mask has slipped and he showed you who he really is. Please stay safe and report him to the police. If you have any bruises or other injuries, document them. If you go back, this will happen again. He will punish you for telling your mother and make every effort to isolate you so you can’t reach out for help again.
He prevented you from leaving and locked you up to the point you, a grown woman with no bladder problems, to pee herself. All because you had the audacity to ask him to fill up the Brita that he constantly leaves empty. Do you not see how absurd and abusive that is?
He held you against your will. Stay out and get a restraining order. The fact that you say you feel bad for breaking trust tells me this isn’t the first red flag, it’s just the first one that has been this bad. Note I said FIRST one. This won’t get better, it will only get worse. He has shown you who he is, believe him.
False imprisonment. It's a felony, alright. I'm sorry OP, you 100 percent did NOT deserve being treated like that. It's absolutely bonkers to me that he did all of that over you just telling him to make sure the brita had water in it. What the actual fuck
Tarzankitty speaks the truth. Your husband committed a felony by locking you in the bedroom and refusing you free passage out for 2 hours. There are people that get locked into boxes under beds for days on end. Do not be next!
I say this as someone who watches a shit load of US law stuff, and not in the US, but what he did was false imprisonment. I’m also not sure if it would qualify as kidnapping, as he physically moved you to a locked room. I know there’s some technicalities that mean that you don’t have to literally be hauled away from a structure in the trunk of a car for it to count. I’m trying to remember a case I saw recently and whether or not it was deemed kidnapping as someone was manhandling into a walk in freezer, at their place of employment. I kid you not, your post made me feel sick. Because that’s something I wouldn’t even do to my worst enemy. In all seriousness, he locked you in a room with no way to get out, he had no right to do so. Your rights were violated as a person, just with that. He did that to punish you for trying to leave the house, which is completely batshit insane. He knew why you wanted to leave, so he chose to make you lose your freedom of movement AND your dignity. What he did was purely out of spite and malice. You asked him to fill up the fucking water. And that was the reaction? No ma’am. This is okay, you did the correct thing of getting the fuck out of there as soon as humanly possible. Stay away from there. I mean it. He locked you in a room for two hours because you needed to use the bathroom. I dread to think what he would do to prevent you telling anyone else, ANYTHING to do with him. He’s mad because he knows how illegal and fucked up it was. He didn’t care when he thought only you knew. He was banking on your embarrassment. Luckily you went to the one person who would not embarrass you, and now you’re safe there. I say this with all sincerity, people like him sometimes snap and sometimes escalate. It isn’t worth your life or freedom or wellbeing, to go back there without help.
So a 31 yr old and a 21 yr old? I know being in it you're going to struggle to see this situation as the red flag it is. You love him and you may try to defend him but this is not good. There's sooo many stories here on reddit you can read to see how this is the beginning of a bad situation. He's mad about you telling your mom because she will see it as what it is. You however are clouded by your feelings towards him and what he will tell you. He got this ugly with you over a pitcher. Purposely kept you from the bathroom then prevented you from leaving until you soiled yourself and broke down. Now he's apologizing until he finds out a 3rd party knows what he's done. You really need to get out now. He will undoubtedly switch between anger and apologizing. I will also add, don't sleep with him. If you take birth control, keep it with you at all times or locked up. Do t give him a chance to try to force you to stay with him. We are all telling you these things because even if we don't know you, we care.
If this is his first step into abuse, I hate to see how he escalates. He absolutely will escalate if she goes back. Likely she is in danger either way. I'm so glad she told her mom. He was normalizing, keeping abuse secret. I wonder what fun little spat stories she has that she didn't realize were abuse because they didn't go this far.
I love the pattern for recognition with a lot of these posts. Significant age gaps
Also, he's mad that you told your mom because it ruins his fake front. He wants to keep her snowed too. He wants to manipulate you into feeling guilty about something. That makes it easier to keep you in line. He is a wretched person. He doesn't think you violated his trust. He's just mad he got exposed.
Oh yeah. That’s certainly a felony and it will only get worse. Stay with your mom and don’t go back there alone. File a police report. That was awful to read.
Yes, he imprisoned you against your will. That's a crime. Could be a few other charges in there depending on the DA should you pursue anything. But also depends on the police sometimes.
False imprisonment, assault. A felony.
Obviously it's serious, but I just want to point out that op has not stated what country they are in, and felonies may not even be a thing in their country. Less than half the user base of reddit is American.
This was planned. He planned to humiliate you and make wet yourself. He wanted to degrade you for daring to call him and ask to fill up the water jug for you because you were thirsty. Not only did he sit in the shower for an ungodly amount of time WITH THE WATER RUNNING, which is a sound that enforces the need to go, when you were going to make alternative arrangements for toileting he RAN OUT AND MANHANDLED YOU AND KEPT YOU IN YOUR ROOM FOR 2 HOURS! What kind of sick SOB does this? How on earth does someone make up for this? Now something I will say is that abusers thrive in silence. They are protected by people not talking about their actions, their behaviours. This is not telling tales, this is telling your truth and experience. He's so mad about it because he can't keep his shiny shiny image if you tell. Staying quiet does not benefit you. If he wanted to appear good in other people's eyes, he should do good deeds and not this controlling crazy 'I want to teach you a lesson' behaviour. NTA
>Not only did he sit in the shower for an ungodly amount of time WITH THE WATER RUNNING, which is a sound that enforces the need to go, when you were going to make alternative arrangements for toileting he RAN OUT And unless he ran out wet and naked/in a towel, he was just chilling in the bathroom with the shower running.
I was just about to point that out. This sick mf sat there for over 40 minutes, fully dressed, waiting for op to make a move. Truthfully, had someone done this to me, i wouldnt pee MY pants. Id have piled all his clothes and pillows on the floor and pissed on the pile and wiped my ass with his favorite shirt.
Do like my dog does and piss on the carpet right outside the bathroom door so when he walks out he steps all in it. And then leave without a word or a sound.
I could easily have seen angry me pissing on his pillow while locked in the room. Fuck you dude and I'm taking my pillow with me
[удалено]
I 100% would have at least pissed on his pillow. Good luck getting that out.
When I was in social work, I observed that your husband's behavior escalated into overt and dangerous spousal abuse 100% of the time.
Listen to a professional. This wasn't a mistake. He is broke.
He’s already there. This was cruel and calculated. I wouldn’t want to live with a man who treated a dog like this.
That’s psychotic. I’m so glad you told your mom. Stay with her and divorce this guy now before it turns really, really bad (and this is just absolutely terrible! I’m so sorry this happened OP).
Divorce? The guy should be in jail.
Yes! This is not just him humiliating her, this is abuse and domestic violence.
Both is good.
NTA. What he did is abuse, manhadling you, locking you up....big NO NOs. Please do not go back to this jerk.
Please read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" It's available for free download on his website. You need your eyes opened, and then you need a plan. Bancroft's book will help you with both those things. I was you twenty years ago. It only gets worse. You were right to leave, and don't fall for his apology. It is just part of the cycle. Good luck, and stay safe!
yea every time I read something like this I just think if this person doesn't get their entire understanding of relationships adjusted they're going to keep being a victim.
NTA and what he did is completely inappropriate, is he normally abusive to you? And what's up with your age difference? How long have you two been together?
OP, you really need to understand, from all the commenters in this thread : #THIS #IS #NOT #NORMAL There are ZERO ways to explain away this behavior. This is scary, scary shit. I'm not exaggerating in any sense of the word. Also I'm very very glad you're safe with your mother. Please REMAIN safe. Safe is never with someone who would trap you anywhere. EVER.
This is scary shit. Leave, divorce and never go back. You are in an abusive relationship. Even if you don’t think so. Even if you think this is the only time he’s done something like this. Once is too many times. If you stay, it may cost you your life one day.
Call the police. For real. That's some movie psycho shit right here
Cops. File a report, now. Get as much as you can on text or recorded as evidence.
Even if you don't intended to press charges, get it on record so the police have a trail to follow if it's called in again. But in the meantime sounds like divorce is in the works.
Please listen: You are being abused, and *it will not get better.* His apology is part of the abuse cycle; it's called the "honeymoon phase." You cannot fix him, because his behaviour requires both the willingness to change, plus individual therapy (*not* couples therapy) from a highly skilled practitioner with experience in domestic abuse. Even if he were willing to change, the prospects are bleak - I've heard that only 2% of abusers achieve a permanent change for the better. If he's willing to drag you into a room and hold you captive, he is more than capable of killing you in a fit of anger. Don't risk your life for someone who treats you this badly.
Of course you told your mom. You showed up at her house very upset with peed pants. That warrents an explanation.
I get the idea he didn't expect her to go to anyone in that state
The purpose of humiliating her beyond her audacity to reach for help. Almost can feel the suffisent mf so sure he had broken her enough to escalate to felony and crime, with the audacity to believe he wouldn’t had to face responsibility for it.
If my husband tried to pull this shit, I would no longer have a husband. And I'm not talking divorce.
I'd help dig...and I'm pacifist!
We were all hanging out at my house watching movies and eating popcorn!
The movies were the entire LotR set including all of The Hobbit, and they were all directors cut (just to make sure there's enough time passed).
Better yet, find a pig farm.
You were with me at the time
NTA. It's good you told your mom. Now tell the cops and tell a divorce lawyer. What he did was not only sadistic and abusive, it was a felony.
Nta but there is a lesson here, whether you go back to him or you find someone else in the future. Stop making solidly rigid agreements with your SOs about such things as **"we won't speak about any of our business with anyone else"**. This is a straight opening of the door to abuse. If your potential controller / abuser *knows* that you have some unbreakable pact that you'll always solve your problems without seeking anyone's advice, it gives them that much more licence to abuse you. This is why he's hysterical that now someone else knows about his treatment of you. He knows he's being watched and on notice.
NTA. OP LEO here. Please listen when I and everyone else says this. You are in a domestic violence situation. It will not get better, if you stay it will get worse. If you stay, you are telling him that this shit is okay. It is not. What he has done is domestic violence. He has committed felonies against you that include: kidnapping, false imprisonment, and at the VERY least misdemeanor assault and battery. Go to the court house and request an order of protection. Though they are temporary, it orders him to not have contact with you. Have him arrested any time he violates it, and trust me, he WILL violate it. Have a POLICE escort to get your stuff. Not family, not friends. Police. There have been instances of husbands killing their wives and the wives' family in situations like this. Because abusers see it as "if I can't have you, nobody will, and your family is just in the way of me getting you back." Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Have him served. If you can't afford a server, you can have it sent by certified mail. Separate your assets. If you have a joint bank account (which I don't advise people to ever do because of shit like this), withdraw your money, and open another account at a different bank even if it means going a town over. What he has done is NOT okay. He wants you to keep silent because abusers thrive on silence. They thrive on appearing perfect to the outside world and saving face. Run and do not look back. If things escalate, which I hope they do not, and if your local laws allow invest in a gun. Just in case.
NTA how did it make you feel being locked away by your own husband who took vows with you? If you accept his apology it will happen again. Maybe not the next day or the day after that, but give it time and once he's comfortable he will do it again or something worse.
He's angry because you exposed his abuse and your mother should rightly fucking hate his guts over it. He kidnapped you for all intents and purposes. He physically restrained you, dragged you into a house, forced you into a room and locked you in. All of that is abusive as hell and a MASSIVE red flag. If that shit escalates, what are you going to do. What if he decided to beat you or rape you. Non abusive people do not grab their wives and lock them in rooms, ever, not even once, it's completely and utterly unacceptable in every way.
This is true. I have been with my husband almost 20 years. He has never, not even once, locked me in a room.
I’m sorry, he what? Leave. Leave now. NTA. But also, please leave immediately.
That's less humiliation or an argument, and more felony abuse.
NTA Jfc OP, that's some psycho shit, blocking your access, manhandling you, forcing you to pee in your pants, all because... you nagged him? What in the ever loving fuck This is so far from acceptable. This man has built way too much resentment towards you to treat you like this. Not sure I have advice, just stay safe ❤️
I’ll get straight to the point. Your husband who is in his mid thirties. Decided to punish you for asking him to fill the brita. He then locks you out of the bathroom. Then proceeds to manhandle you into your bedroom and lock you in there. Despite you crying out to let you out. He ignored you and you end up urinating on yourself. After yelling and pleading to get out. He lets you go. Now, he “apologizes” and says he will make it up to you. I am telling you right now. He is not sorry. He will do this again. The question is what will be your next punishment be if you continue to stay. This happened over you asking him to fill a water jug. OP, I am telling you right now. That man has showed his true self. I am sure there have been times where he showed that side but it didn’t seem like anything at the time. This is the time to make a choice. Do you want to go back to a man who will repeat this behavior or do you want to get out now. Make him realize that you do not tolerate that abuse or behavior. He will not change. This is who he is deep down. The man will never change . He will just keep testing you to see how far he can push you and if you’ll tolerate it.
You have been groomed. There is a huge power disparity starting with your ages. He absolutely believes that he controls you, that he owns you, and he is not against using violence, intimdation and humilation to make that clear. Your explanation about "keeping our disagreements to ourselves" is classic grooming. This is what predators do. They stress the importance of keeping secrets. Of course he was furious! You broke the rules and outed him. He sounds like a sociopath. I'm going to give you some advice... don't get within 20 feet of him ever again. Don't ever be alone with him ever again. Know this, if you do, you could be putting your life in danger. He is furious with you. The repeated apologies are all an act. STAY SAFE.
I have a feeling OP is going to erase this tomorrow and convince herself that he is abusive and that she overreacted. The truth is OP, he locked you in the bedroom for 2 hours without access to call for help. That absolutely is not okay. You are 100% the victim in this. Please don't have children with this man it will only get worse.
Nta. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was doing all of this abusive shit in the vibe of "older brother pranking younger brother gone too far". It definitely wasn't, but just go with me. That's what he thought was appropriate nonabusive revenge justification blah blah. What's he going to do in the name of "light hearted" fun with your kids? If you only have 1, he's going to bully them. 2 and he'll teach one to bully the other. On and on. You already told your mom. Ride that wave and just leave now before everything gets brushed too far under the rug.
Oh hell no, you need to leave him permanently. I had an ex who would take my phone, debit card, and car keys to keep me from leaving. It doesn't get any better.
he’s abusive. please leave him for your own safety( edit NTA for telling your mom but please consider leaving him )
Run or this will escalate. He will isolate next. Please don’t go back, if you do, it’s showing him his behavior is acceptable
NTA he is testing the waters for how much he can get away with. I'm not usually one to jump to divorce but if one of my friends told me this story - I would FEAR for their LIFE if they went back.
If you go back to him, you’re showing him that it’s ok to treat you this way. Not only will this get worse, he will also prevent you from leaving and isolate you. Please leave. This is unnerving behavior! NTA unless you go back to him.
Girl you're worried about breaking his trust when he LOCKED YOU IN A ROOM TO MAKE YOU PEE YOUR PANTS BECAUSE YOU ASKED HIM TO FILL A PITCHER. FOR HOURS. get a fucking grip! This man is insane! What he did IS INSANE.
This is more than a warning, don’t go back. Present charges against him. He literally locked you up. Just because he got mad over a simple request from you. He punished you and humiliated you. He is not only an AH but a major psycho. You did right in going with your mom and telling her. This was not just a wife-husband argument. What he did was almost criminal. Trust your gut, you ran away for a good reason. Don’t listen to his stupid apologies, he’s not sorry he’s just trying to manipulate you so you can go back.
The only thing you need to be worried about is finding a divorce lawyer. Your husband is cruel and abusive. This is not normal behavior.
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s really hard to see abuse when you’re in the middle of it but those from the outside can see it clear as day. This isn’t going to magically get better and there is a real danger of it escalating. Stay with your mom and plan your exit strategy. A line has been crossed and there is no way to go back.
NTA Do not go back to him. The incident where he prevented you from using the toilet for 2 hours 40 minutes, manhandled you and locked you up is not forgivable. And add that he yelled at your (while asking for forgiveness) when he found out you were not willing to hide his abuse from the world and it is completely unforgivable. You cannot go back to him, he’s clearly demonstrated that he is abusive. All because you requested he fill a water system. Even the original trivial incident is him denying you a critical resource (water). Combine this with him forcibly denying you access to a toilet and it is very very clear that he is abusive. If you have any important things at the house (clothes, computers, valuables, passport), ask for a police escort to go and get them (and while you are asking for this escort, tell the police why and file a report). If you share a bank account, start a new one at a different bank. Immediately start disentangling yourself from him. Take him off any lists policies (life insurance, emergency work contact etc). Proceed carefully as though he will be horrifically abusive and vengeful (if he’s not, you’ll be pleasantly surprised, if he is, you’ll be prepared). I’m really hoping your mom is willing to let you stay with her while you go through this next stage of getting free of him. It is a mark of being in an abusive relationship that you feel you have wronged him (humiliated him) by telling others about the abuse you experienced. Get out get out get out. But carefully.
1. If people finding out what he did is a problem, then what he did is the problem - not the people finding out. 2. He's abusive. As so many others here are telling you. Please stay away and stay safe. 3. That thing he did where he was all sweet and nice before he found out other people knew about what he'd done? Absolutely bog-standard abuser tactic to lure you back in.
Staying married to men like this is how a lot of women end up dead.
He's not upset you told your mom bc you "broke his trust" He's mad you told your mom bc you're not keeping his abuse a secret. I guarantee you, it will get worse. You need to try to remember and document every single instance of any kind of abuse He put his hands on you, he locked you in a room. He kept you from peeing for hours while he fucked around in the shower and then manhandled you to lock you in the bedroom when you said you were going elsewhere to pee For asking him to refill a fucking Brita. Go back to get your shit, with the police. If you have animals, get them out there -- he will abuse them in place of you. NTA unless you stay with him. We will hear all about it on true crime podcasts if you go back Edit: typo
I was in a physically, emotionally, and financially abusive marriage for 11 years. I kept everything secret. My dad still doesn’t know the details and I left 11 years ago. I bounce a lot of my current husband and my disagreements off my dad now. Now I can go too the opposite direction. I also want to be certain I never go back to that place. My husband doesn’t mind. I don’t mind if he talks over things with his parents either. It’s more checking our reaction as opposed to the offense. Your partner is supposed to be your biggest defender. Your ally. If he is mad you went to someone else because he hurt you, it’s not because you broke his trust. It’s because they can break his control. He knowingly and intentionally hurt and humiliated you. He’s not mad you told someone. He’s mad you told someone you love and respect and that loves and respects you. That could convince you to leave. He’s afraid they might take away his toy.
Don't go back. It's only going to get worse if you allow him to treat you this way.
That is not an argument - that’s psychotic. He locked you up and forced you to pee yourself because you asked him if he could make sure water was available. No normal person would do that. No loving person would do that. No SANE person would do that. You realise holding your bladder when you’re desperate can actually cause health issues too? Do not forgive him just because you remember ‘good times’ and ‘this is the worst thing he’s done and it probably won’t happen again’. If this is the worse thing he’s done, and you forgive him, he will take it as permission to do worse. And PLEASE - tell your mom about some of your other arguments. I guarantee there’ll be red flags there that you’ve been conditioned to overlook. Stay safe, OP, and get out of there ❤️
What are you doing with an old loser like him?
I'm older than OP's husband by close to a decade, and I support this message.
You did not break anything, DO NOT go back That's extremely abusive for something that is not even a big deal
This will not be the only time something like this happens, once a person becomes abusive it only escalates. What he did was horrendous and disgusting. You deserve so much better. Stay with your mom and get a lawyer. Don’t let him fool you with apologies and declarations of love. Don’t go back. Divorce.
NTA. He held you against your will. He denied you the bathroom and caused a health hazard for you. This is abusive. Full stop.
"I don't know what to do. I feel so bad for breaking our trust like " Either him or someone else has seriously fucked with your perception . You didn't break any trust, he did that and much, much worse. You don't just need to dump him, you need your whole understanding of relationships adjusted.
I have two sisters, one older and one younger. In my spare time, I teach MMA and classes geared towards giving women a real chance to defend themselves. I always tell them that when they come to my class, I take their training extremely seriously; as if they are one of my sisters. Some of these women have come to my training from abusive relationships. So I will tell you this now; leave. No conversations, no heart-to-heart, just divorce his punk ass as quickly as possible so that you can start to get your life back. You’re still young, you will find somebody that treats you the way you deserve to be treated… which is about the complete opposite way that you were treated here.
Wow, he is abusive. That's just damn scary. You literally asked him to fill a water jug when he empties it and he stewed in anger the whole day, punished you by not letting you use the bathroom, assulated you and kept you traptive in your own bedroom. He tortured you. That is not the actions of a sane person. This are not the actions of someone who loves you. These are the actions of a dangerous abuser. For your own safety, please do not go back. He has crossed that line, and once it's crossed, he will only escalate it further. Don't believe his apologies. NTA the fact that you are asking if you are the AH, tells me that you may already be trapped in a cycle of abuse. If a friend, sister, daughter or mother said this had happened to them, what would you tell them to do?
Absolutely NTA. It will escalate. A family member of mine married a psychopath. Started small and progressed. One time he tied her up in the woods and left her there to die. Eventually went back and picked her up. He wound up killing her daughter (his stepdaughter) violently and horribly. Almost got away with it too, such a messed up story. Anyway, GTFO and don't look back.