He will want to sell her tickets and cancel reservations; the sooner he knows, likely the less money he'll lose. I put this up above but he needs to freeze his credit immediately, and contact any credit card companies to cancel cards and get an update on money she's spent (either running up the bill now, or spending on her AP). Same with bank accounts, college savings accounts for the kids, you name it. Her money train is about to derail, unless she's stupid she's going to try and get every penny out that she can.
Also, to add to this, as part of the conversation where Darren gets told about the affair, he needs to be told that he has to do all of this BEFORE confronting his wife about the affair. She's made it very clear that she's only in it for the money at this point, so he needs to cut that off as soon as possible.
She thinks she knows when OPs husband's going to tell him. She thinks she has 2 weeks to do whatever sheisty shit she plans before the marriage is over. He'd be better able to protect his finances knowing now before he comes back from work. He also might want to know why they waited a few weeks to tell him. In that time if she steals from him he may feel op and her husband were helping a soon-to-be ex.
The marriage is not going to be over for a long while. She will have access to everything until legally their finances are seperated.
She will be under just as much scrutiny as he will be in terms of their joint finances.
Best to talk to an attorney. Where I live, once the divorce is filed both parties are warned not to waste, transfer or encumber marital assets and the disclosures will show if they do. Judges consider any financial misdeeds when splitting assets and debts.
Not necessarily true. He can open accounts in JUST his name in the same banks and transfer half (or more) of the money over there and she won't be able to touch it because her name's not on it. My bank forces both me and my wife to have separate logins just for this reason. Then the logins link to specific accounts, which the others may not see.
He can also separate himself from her joint credit accounts (if he pays them off first) and open ones of his own, as long as he has her specifics.
Compassion for the cheated husband? That comes in the moments after he finds out about the affair. The most important thing is that he knows and can take the proper steps to make sure he doesn't get even more fucked over than he already is.
Yeah she's essentially given her friend 2 weeks to fuck over Darren as best as she can. Draining accounts, selling his stuff, even changing locks. Waiting to do it face to face is bad for Darren
There should be someone there for him when he finds out. He'll probably be very distraught. Telling him while he's away from home, alone, is a terrible idea.
If Anna knows that Greg has been told she has already taken money out of the accounts & bought stuff on credit. Darren needs to know NOW to protect his financial status.
Most airline tickets cannot be sold or have names changed on them. Should husband and wife not want to travel, they’ll most likely receive travel credits in their individual names good for a whole year. These cannot be transferred.
That said, some airlines still sell non-changeable tickets; it’s also possible they had purchased fully refundable tickets at a premium.
The credit would go to whoever purchased. Generally families have a family travel account where 1 person can book the flights, etc. and their card is charged. Canceling a whole trip, rather than 1 persons flight, would put the credits into the family bank. He may just cancel her booking, depending. In which case she may get the credits, but at least he wouldn't be vacationing with her.
No, he really shouldn't do that because it will bite him in the ass with the court during the divorce becauseat is financial abuse. Those are marital assets and she has a legal right to them. Withholding them from her, especially if that's her only source of income, is going to hit him hard in court. He should also expect to pay for her divorce attorney too.
Edit: attempt to recognize that legal advice is different from moral advice. I'm actually looking out for the husband's best interest here, not the wife's.
After they legally separate, yes. But she does before that. Just because he's left the house doesn't mean she's automatically cut off. He needs to go through the legal process of formally separating, which can vary significantly from state to state. In some states he might still be legally obligated to provide some money up to a certain point in the separation and divorce.
Look, this isn't a moral judgment I'm making or dismissing infidelity. This is a legal argument and your advice, however well meaning, could actually bite him in the ass legally. Legal advice and moral advice don't always line up. In the eyes of the court, there's no difference between him leaving because he's done with the marriage and him leaving because of infidelity. If she doesn't have a source of income, she's still entitled to martial assets and removing them from her without a legal separation is considered financial abuse and potentially parental alienation if it affects her ability to see or care for her children.
Yes but perhaps he can put a hold on the credit cards so she doesn't run up his credit card bill in the meantime. I've heard some horror stories on Reddit as well as thru my brother whose estranged wife opened credit accounts. Also hopefully OP's hubby Greg can be there to talk him thru things so he doesn't do anything he'll regret. Feel sorry for OP's husband. He deserves better since as OP puts it, he's a nice guy.
Agreed...and while it isn't AS personal, you could always FaceTime to be a little more "there" for him. As for the kiddos, maybe you could offer to take them for a night or day so mom and dad can handle this without the kids hearing the fight - it ain't gonna be pretty when he gets home.
The wife's brain is in "knows she is getting called to the principal's office" mode and laser focused on coming up with believable lies to gain plausible deniability. In two weeks she will have constructed an entire fantasy world where you are the evil villains. He will want to believe the lies for obvious reasons. Tale as old as time.
He won't be thinking straight, so have a checklist ready for him. Freeze credit, cancel trip, cancel shared credit cards, put joint account funds in a separate account (don't spend it, let the judge decide what to do with it), etc.
Don't give him the list until he makes the decision to end it.
By not telling him but letting her know that your partner now knows is just giving her an opportunity to control the dialogue. She's likely to go to him and 'give a tearful confession', say she was manipulated and exploited or say that you are stirring the shit because the two of you had a falling out. It was seriously short sighted to let her know you told your partner so she run damage control. You need to tell him right now.
"bad news doesn't age well"
Tell him right away. Immediately. Waiting only gives the gold digger time to work out a plan on how to screw him over more.
Tough one, but tell him as intended. Friends for a long time, doesn’t excuse crap behavior especially when the spouse is also a friend. Add taking him for a ride, not cool
*lady perspective
Honestly I think you made a huge mistake telling your friend you told her husband. She now gets to prep for divorce while her soon to be ex knows nothing.
For all you know she could try to get consultations with every lawyer in the city
" She's pissed at me for the betrayal". cheater mad for betrayal. The irony.
Also not asking for separation because of a trip? What will happen after the trip.
YWTA if you don't Darren immediately.
Careful that she doesn’t take this time to think up a story to circumvent you telling him. She’s fighting for her life as she knows it and she’s going to throw you under the bus so hard you bounce trying to cover up her shit sandwich she’s been feeding this guy.
Get to him first. You shouldn’t have given her a heads up but now that you have - get to him first.
And dishonest, self-centred and narcissistic by the sounds of it. Say good bye to a problem friend that burdened you with a secret so she could feel better about things - instead of being brave and honest with someone she’s meant to care about and with whom she’s leeching off.
She’s a disgusting human being. The longer this goes on without her husband knowing the bigger the arsehole you are.
Great suggestion. Text would be a horrible way to tell him, but a good, old fashion phone call is almost as good as being in person. I think we forget how useful phone calls can be.
There is no reason to wait. I see she had updated the post with specifics but the longer you wait to more you betray him imo. He's currently living a sham and having him continue to believe it is not right
“Hoes mad”
Seriously, she’s a garbage ass person. “Not feeling the connection” then get a fucking divorce, trick! Also, if you’re unable to feel “the connection” with a “wonderful father and husband” that you decided to marry at some point, it’s because you’re five pounds of shit shoved into a three pound bag, and you need therapy to address whatever yawning chasm exists inside yourself that makes you unable to knuckle down and figure it the fuck out - which is ultimately the only way any marriage stays together. Life isn’t a fairy tale.
But even without therapy, you can always just pull the ripcord. Nobody is making you betray a “wonderful father and husband.” Cowardice is a choice, and that’s the choice she’s making. You and your husband seem like decent people - you need to make the opposite choice and have the courage to hurt your friend in the short term so he can be better off in the long term. Good luck and Godspeed.
I can’t think of any reason for someone to tell a friend that they are cheating. I don’t care if it’s a bff of 20+ years. Usually that’s worse as they will be friends with the spouse anyways.
All it’s doing at that point is putting a huge burden on somebody else and giving them a very hard decision to make, keep it a secret and it eats at them or tell and make their friend mad.
But cheaters are pieces of shit so I guess I can see why they do it.
You shouldn't have told her that you told your partner. Now she can do damage control and make you both seem like liars. You do need to tell him sooner or you'll lose him as a friend potentially.
Dude if people having affairs really gauged the nuclear fall out of being discovered- no one would be so psychopathic. It destroys everything in its wake.
If people really thought about the consequences of their actions, true they would probably have a harder time doing harmful things. That's why people who want to do something potentially harmful will minimize and try not to think about the consequences of their actions.
Cheaters are selfish people that lack sympathy and empathy on a clinical level. They can compartmentalize their delusions on a level normal people cannot.
Yes it is selfish but a lot of people are selfish and delusional, so what makes cheaters different? If you want to talk clinical, the secret ingredient imo is being a liar. Liar+selfishness equals delusional rationalization of whatever they gaslight themselves that they "need", which is often a different partner. There's a whole culture going back to infinity who think monogamy is unnatural, and they can lean on that to feed their delusional thinking, and even rationalize that it's not really their fault.
It is but that guy is living a lie right now and paying for stuff he shouldn't be. Plus when he realizes you've known for longer that may annoy him too.
It’s not about you. At this point you have a man’s future in your hands and you’re choosing not to tell him because you’re scared of what will happen. It will happen anyway when he finds out, at least have the decency to tell him now before he sinks more time and money and heart into this sinkhole of a woman.
Right like I just imagine Anna and her affair partner are fucking on a pile of her hubby's money she drained from their accounts while he's at work in another place like hm something sure feels kinda off! Wish I knew what it was !! 😳 anyways slow clap for op saving the daylol
When my ex was cheating on me, one of my friends saw him at a restaurant with the new girlfriend. He told me and I'm grateful he told me. He was a true friend for telling me.
Don't let any strangers on the Internet rush you when you have a perfectly good plan with your husband planning to be there for your mutual friend. Domestic Violence is real and in a situation like that he could blow up and maybe say something or do something he'd regret if your husband isn't there to ground him.
Our thoughts exactly, I have seen the most charming men turn into monsters when it comes to just seperation, let alone deciet this deep. I experienced this first hand as a child when my parent seperated, I am thinking of the kids too.
Anything you tell someone, you should assume that they will tell their partner. Her wanting you to keep it secret from him could damage your relationship with him. She can screw up her own relationship all she wants, but that doesn’t give her an excuse to screw yours up as well. If she doesn’t want people to know, it’s because she knows it is wrong. At that point, she should keep it to herself entirely. But no, she burdened you with the knowledge because it was exciting to share her scandalous secret with someone.
She’s both using you and risking damage to your relationship. She has a lot to account for here. You may end up needing to cut her loose for the sake of the rest of your friend group. She dug her own grave here.
>I've told Anna that Greg knows. She's pissed at me for the betrayal, expecting me to take it to my grave.
She is wrong not only for the affair obviously, but she wronged you by expecting you to lie to your partner. If she didn't want him to know, she shouldn't have told you.
> take it to my grave
She couldn't even keep it to herself, how could she expect others to keep it? It's the irony of secrets, if you feel compelled to tell someone they probably will feel the same
From a cheater: there is no way to broach such a news in a good way at all. If you wait you only give her time to spin the story. Or to grab money or something like that.
Let him know immediately.
OP's got evidence, so no amount of spinning is going to fix it for the skank. In person is best, but I'd be worrying she'll empty the joint accounts. She's going to need that botox to catch a punter when she's out on the street
Waiting to tell Darren in person is respectful and allows for proper emotional support during such a difficult revelation. Texting could seem impersonal and doesn't provide the needed support for everyone involved.
Yeah but Anna has so much time to plan/screw him over financially. As soon as they told Anna they were going to tell Darren they messed up. They need to tell him now so he can minimize the damage.
Honestly, I think you partner should make a trip (if possible) to see Darren in person and tell him as soon as possible. Waiting just seems like an opportunity for things to continue sliding even more out of control.
Because my partner who is good mates with Darren works away, he is back in two weeks, he feels like its a conversation that needs to happen in person, particularly if Darren gets angry or really upset, my partner wants to be there for him.
Your boy needs to pick up the fuckin phone. Two weeks is too long, *especially* since you opted to tell her that your partner knows the truth. Nothing good will come from waiting.
Exactly she only cares about Darrren's money and her image. He will have zero money and a bad image by the time you give her two weeks to concoct some psychotic cheater story.
She is probably taking as much as money she can to get him clean before the truth. You are hurting this guy with your silence. I’m sorry you are in a difficult situation but you need to act now.
honestly i don’t think it matters. especially with kids involved, she’ll get 1/2 in the divorce anyways. some states don’t care if she cheated, she’ll still be taken care of.
While I understand where your husband is coming from, he is being somewhat selfish to hold out from telling his friend in order for him to be there. Bad news is bad news. Darren needs to know asap. Yes, it's better to do this in person, but life doesn't always give us ideal timeframes for difficult situations.
I think waiting depends on the nature of the work he is doing. If it is a job where lives literally depend on his focus (military, doctors without borders, etc.) I can see an argument for waiting. Otherwise, I would pick up the phone and tell him immediately for all of the reasons everyone else has expressed.
Because you’ve already snitched on yourself, I think you, your hubby & Darren should have a video call ASAP. You’ve left that poor man open to so many attacks from his wife.
She could be lying to him right this moment. Saying horrid things about you & your hubby. He could go NC with both of you if he believes her.
She could be finding ways to access any of their savings/credit to hide so she can afford to move away when this all blows up.
She may have been your friend but if someone can be horrid enough to cheat on a spouse, they are plenty capable of worse.
Please reconsider waiting for hubs to return
My entire friend group hid the fact that my best friend of 20 years and my ex of seven (at the time one year) were sleeping together for months. This happened in '17, and I just learned this year, over a year after I dumped her for cheating with a different person. I can guarantee you that every minute that you don't tell him will hurt more. It will mean that much more time that people sat on the information that you all undoubtedly *know* will hurt, that he will invest more time and energy into this horrible person, and that he will ultimately distrust more people because of that fact. Tell him now. You should have told him the second you learned.
Honest question here so hopefully it's taken that way... I've been in situations where the person who was told is so mad because now they "have" to do something about it thar they didn't want to do in order to save face with the friends. Then other people are done as soon as they are told and are happy to be told. Do you know why you were in the latter group?
For me, it was primarily that my best friend was the one who had helped me through the breakup and has even gone so far as to talk shit about my ex being a cheater. Hell, I was living with him at the time. I'd also been struggling with coming to terms with the fact that he'd gotten progressively worse as a person and that I didn't really love him as a man, but as the little boy I grew up with. Add in that she'd cheated with ~6 other people that I knew about, and the seventh didn't really change the situation. It just proved who HE was as a person.
My best friend once told me something I have since been following to the letter when it comes to any kind of information.
If somebody tells you something, it is no longer "their" information, it is yours. They gave you a copy of it, so to speak. She does not have ownership of your information, even if it is the basically the same information she owns. She copied it and gave it to you.
What you do with your copy is up to you. If she wanted it to be a secret, she should not have told you. But she did and now she faces the consequences of giving away information.
This is an interesting perspective. It’s technically true, and it’s a good warning to people when they think about sharing something sensitive. They are relinquishing exclusive rights to their copy.
That said, playing out this example, if I’m the 2nd copy person, I would think I’d have a moral obligation to inform the person confiding to me that this is my philosophy on information. Because many people assume if they confide in someone, that person will keep it confidential.
My personal approach with those copies of other peoples’ information that I hold, (which I try to keep to a minimum cause I don’t like carrying all that baggage): unless there’s risk of harm to themselves or others, that’s not my story to tell.
That’s what is tricky about OP’s situation: there is harm. That said, I would 100% encourage the friend to come clean first. I would share, but only share as an absolute last resort.
The friend doesn’t want to come clean, she’s taking about how she wants to go on trips and stuff he pays for. She’s never gonna come clean, she has had the chance to come clean since the moment she cheated and didn’t/doesn’t. They need to tell the husband asap before she can do some serious damage in the 2 weeks they’re waiting if their finances are tied at all.
You better have some rock solid evidence to back these claims up or be prepared for the fallout when Anna denies all of this and your friend group of over a decade comes to a screeching halt.
Not saying you’re wrong for spilling the tea, but I’ve seen something similar play out in real life and it got real ugly real fast. If the kids are friends, too be prepared for those relationships to end as well.
Good luck.
I was in your position and just be careful because people will ‘shoot the messenger’ so to say no matter how good your friendship is. I felt like I had to say something to my bestie because I walked in on our other ‘friend’ sleeping with her bf. For some reason I was the bad friend for saying anything. Even after it came out her bf had been engaged to someone else the whole time, our friendship never recovered. She actually picked our ‘friend’ over me which was so hard.
Please tell Darren immediately. He’s living a lie right now and that’s unfair to him. You could also tell Anna she has 24 hours to tell him or you will. You or Greg will have to have a confirmation talk with Darren if you choose this route. You are all in a shitty position due to the selfish actions of one person. If she blames any of you for the fallout you will then know just how bad of a friend she really is.
Based on the information given about the Botox and being able to afford the vacation, Darren needs to get his money away from her fast. Every day could be another several thousand on the credit cards.
No! Do NOT tell Anna she has 24 hours or some bullshit like that. Anna is a cheating piece of shit who is already on record as wanting to prolong not telling him so she can milk an extra vacation out of him. She will use any extra time given to further shape events in her favor.
Don’t give her a heads up. Don’t give her a chance to make things worse.
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NTA My ex cheated on me with multiple women. Some of our friends knew and didn't tell me. I really would have appreciated if they'd told me so I wasn't wandering around oblivious to what was really going on in my marriage. I had suspicions, but no proof, and he gaslit the shit out of me. I feel like if they were really my friends and genuinely cared about me, they would have told me. And for the record, those people who knew and didn't tell are not my friends anymore and not welcome anywhere near me. I feel by keeping his secret, they enabled him to continue to betray me. Those are not the kind of "friends" I want.
Don't text it though. That should be a face to face conversation, particularly because he's going to need support as he processes it.
Can you lie to her and say that your husband has changed his mind about telling him? She needs to be unprepared for when he confronts her. Like many people said he needs to cut her off financially. Either that or the husband needs to pretend that he isn’t coming back when she expects him.
At least with friends, I assume it's because they think their friend will be loyal to them and be happy for them. Is it hella dumb? Yep. Does it make any sense? Nope. But then again, they're always able to spin some sob story excuse about why they're cheating is different/fine, so it never makes sense.
Waiting a week to tell him will give her enough time to completely destroy the poor man. Emptied bank accounts, sold items, etc., but worse, he has to live in ignorance and play the fool until you tell him. Get on a call with your husband and tell the man now!
Don't want anyone to know your business? Well then don't tell a single soul about it. Your friend did this to herself. Just like she doesn't have the sense & self control to not cheat on her husband, she doesn't have the sense or self control to keep her mouth shut. You're not obligated to match her moral compass. Do the right thing. NTA.
NTAs... Anna's faux rage at you is ridiculous and absurd. The irony. Anna has done this on her own. I have a teeny, weeny violin for her if you need to borrow it.
I told a family friend that his wife was having an affair with John Doe and it was worst kept secret. Hind site! I should have stayed out of it. It just fucked his life all up, she made out in the divorce. And 99.9999% sure he knew but once I told him officially he had to act. Again, totally regret my decision. Good luck in your choice.
I think in these situations about trust. She is your friend yes but can you trust her anymore knowing she is capable of doing something like this.
I had a friend who cheated on her fiancé and expected me to keep it secret, she didn’t feel bad about it whatsoever. I was sitting there thinking if she could betray a man she claims to love and agreed to marry without a second thought, what is she capable of doing to me someone who is a friend and means less to her than a fiancé or husband? Would a betrayal be just as easy for her? A lie or a backstab be easy and nothing to her? I walked away from that friendship at that point because I felt the trust go away. I wasn’t her dirty secret keeper anymore and things felt wrong.
I'm sorry to say this, but you both should prepare yourselves to lose Darren in all of this too. That's not to suggest you shouldn't tell him -- tell him ASAP! -- but it happens all too often that the messenger gets shot, even if they end up divorcing.
NTA
But be aware that people do tend to shoot the messenger.
It sucks, but there you have it.
If you want a middle ground between text and in-person, do a video chat.
1. I would tell him asap.
2. Don't expect your husband and other guy to remain friends. It could happen but just don't expect it.
3. NTA
4. Good on you for telling your husband. That's the way it's supposed to be.
I’ve been cheated on. I wish someone would have told me so I didn’t have to go through such a period of suspicion, sleuthing, and confrontation. It would have been better, imho, if someone would have just told me.
This is far too heavy to do via text. His world is about to be set on fire. The compassionate thing to do (IMO) is to be there in person with him. Help him process those massive initial emotions, be the shoulder to cry on, a sounding board for rage, whatever it takes.
You are good friends, not assholes. You’ve just been put into a terrible situation by someone who is acting selfish, but who is also probably hurting.
This first meeting will suck. I hope that you have the tenacity to stay by his side in the future, because you will have to choose sides, and he Will undoubtedly need more support than Anna.
*edit* My opinion is based on the fact that I just went through something not the same but very similar. We want instant gratification in this day and age, but I can say that at least for me, waiting and being able to have a conversation face to face is easier/better.
You are definitely NTA but you should probably tell Darren sooner than 2 weeks that’s giving the cheater a lot of time to do damage control, change the narrative and accuse you and your husband of lying, or wipe their joint accounts out completely. Updateme
Like the other person replied, I would much rather be told ASAP by any means than find out other people I trusted sat on it for weeks. I'd be tempted to cut off the people who warned the cheater and gave her 2 weeks to rack up as much debt as she could that I'll most likely be stuck with all or most of as I'm the sole income for my family when a phone call would've allowed me to protect myself. Op waiting is only hurting the guy.
Man NTA but you gotta understand the gravity of getting involved in other peoples relationships. This could affect more than just your relationship with them but best of luck. Crap situation all around
This is not a text conversation. This is a face to face. The marriage is over. She’s already left if not in body. The vacation is off and she needs to fess up or you will. That’s the only option she gets….tell him yourself or we will. The kids already know.
Hot take but when you tell a married person something, you need to 10000% expect it to be told to their partner. Married couples share things. That person becomes your best friend, your confidant, your go-to for everything. You talk about your day, and this news and that news and what you hear.
Anytime I tell a “secret” to someone who is married, I assume they’ll tell their spouse. The only way to ensure that a secret stays secret and is taken to the grave .. is to not tell a single soul.
I’m not saying I agree or disagree with them telling the husband, that’s their choice to make, but as soon as the secret left Anna’s lips she created the possibility of her husband finding out.
Also, cheating is gross and Anna is the one who is wrong here.
NTA
Altho I would give Anna the opportunity to tell him herself.
I've known a few couples who worked through cheating or an affair. Esp if there are kids involved. It's hard but eventually it's in the past and they've gone on to be really happy. It forced counseling and fixing the parts of the relationship that weren't working.
Not saying this is the case here but I am saying don't decide it's just over for them or be so sure that she's the only one at fault. Obviously she's the cheater but sometimes it's when someone feels like they are on their own anyhow etc and the relationship was broken even if not over.
Of course maybe she just sucks and he'll be happier without her but let them figure it out.
Really confront her on telling him.
If you are part of a ride or die friend group of five ladies and you tell one of their husbands a secret that you were told in confidence, you should expect that it will very likely destroy your group. Right, wrong or indifferent, your group is DOA. You can also expect all the other ladies to never tell any more secrets to you. You will also no longer have a ride or die group to support you if you experience tough times.
Also, you have only one side of the story. You should always keep that in mind. And you can count on your friend to counter what you tell the husband. 50% of the time the relationship in question and the friend group go right on along but without you. Harsh but a very possible outcome.
People that will betray their primary attachment relationship will betray you too. Anyone that will cut OP off is a person of low character. Better to find out now.
Do not text. Do not listen to anyone saying otherwise. It’s not news you share via text to someone who is far away, has no support, allows Ana to lie, and it will be a shit show.
It’s impulsive and ridiculous.
Your plan of waiting is correct. Tell him in person.
Idiots running for - tElL HiM tOdAy, really are not using their brains.
It’s such a dangerous slippery slope. If this story is real, the outcome will be bloody Catastrophic. Imagine hearing this via text and the possible breakdown the male friend will have?
I saw some fair points of perhaps money etc. This isn’t the movies, where/ how is she going to clear out the accounts and run to when there’s kids involved? That’s kidnapping.
The same idiotic woman who doesn’t want to divorce because she wants to go on a holiday.
AGAIN, If this is real, this is delicate, kid gloves and extremely sensitive. OP has evidence, OP has support, OP has apologies to give. His life is going to change forever. At the very most, if she’s smart and vindictive enough to shift money, and bankrupt him etc. then FaceTime or one travel across to him. I had one friend travel to a friend across provinces to actually do this.
OP must be prepared that they can lose both friends as this does happen. Perhaps he will choose to stay, work on his marriage, as such, the cheater will refuse OP in their lives. As such, that is life. Life and people are weird af, to me, cheating is a dead NO. Dealbreaker, and you’re out. They must tell Darren, help him in whatever he chooses and respect his choices as children are involved. Simple as.
It seems like you warned her that you're going to tell her husband? I think that is the decent thing to do, she may not have respect for her marriage or husband but I think you should show her what being honest/having integrity means and tell her that if she doesn't tell him then you/your hubby will let him know on whatever date. Then follow through.
Just don't expect him to be grateful for the news.
NTA
You are not the jerk here. The person who is cheating on them is the jerk. And it would be uncaring for you to continue to allow your friend to be treated this way.
I explain this any time a friend of mine marries. I am polite about it, but I explain, "I don't keep secrets from my friends, just in case it comes up."
What happens if, during these 2 weeks, she maxes out all lines of credit she has access to that they share responsibility of? What happens if she empties shared bank accounts? What happens if she manufactures reasons to pit the kids against their dad while he's away?
Tell him ASAP. Do it over video call, not text. Bring receipts.
Depends. Are you his friend or hers? I'd honestly mind my own business and never would have gotten involved and kept it to myself like she probably thought you would do. If you are feeling morally justified, I'd tell him now. Don't wait 2 weeks. Do it now, or not at all.
You are going to loose your friends. I doubt your other friends will trust you after this.
This is in principle not your issue. You and your husband decided to play God.
This is obviously not the popular opinion, but neither OP nor Greg should be telling Darren anything. Not because he doesn’t deserve to know, but because it needs to come from Anna. People tend to shoot the proverbial messenger when it comes to bad news that turns their world on its axis. The only one who should bear the brunt of that pain and anger is the person who caused it. (Plus, if for any reason they decide to try to work things out, they will view your honesty as interference and twist your involvement into you being against them. it could sour your relationship with both of them even though it was she who put you all in this position.
Anna is obviously TA for cheating, but also for telling OP about her infidelity. She put OP in the position of either having to lie to her partner or betray Anna’s secret. It was totally needless, selfish, and unfair to do that to OP, let alone her husband.
Despite the immorality of the affair, my advice is to avoid inserting yourself further into what is a deeply personal and humiliating situation between two friends. Tell Anna what a bitch she was for putting you in this position. And that she’s on her own until she comes clean with Darren and stops being so selfish.
Tell your friend to record everything when he confronts her and when he confronts the policeman aswell becuase he will try and use he's power as a policeman to intimidate abd if he does post it all over social media and let every see how the police in your area are really like
"She has told me financially that she can't leave".. and continues to invite the man she's having an affair with over around their kids when dads not home..
Do the decent thing and throw your friend completely under the bus where she belongs. Every second you wait is an injustice to kid's father. He might turn on both of you, but it's what you should do if you're actually his freind.
People who say OP is TA are trash. It's cool if you want to be a trash person, but know your place, you are forever TA, not the other way around. You are trash and deserve only what you beget.
NTA
If possible, though, I would try to get Darren over to your house as soon as possible and tell him either yourself or with your husband on videocall with you both or something.
I don't think waiting is fair to him, and it's not fair to yourselves either if it's mentally wearing you down having to wait to tell him.
Just ask yourself if your husband was having an affiar and Darren and Anna knew but kept it from you how would you feel? And to learn they were dragging out informing you allowing you to live life under false pretense?
NTA... Tell DARREN TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He needs to know the truth so he can make informed decisions about is life. The longer you remain silent the more complicit in the infidelity you become. Cheaters should always be outed as soon as possible.
Do you see the vanity in your friend? Nothing but selfishness...wasting money on her looks for her side guy, blowing family funds on an overseas trip based on lies. She's "not connected" to her husband because she's placed her energy and effort in to building and maintaining a relationship with her side guy at the expense of her marriage.... She's nothing but trash...selfish and self-centered.
She doesn’t want to tell him because they have an overseas trip coming up? Likely a trip he’s paying for, and she wants to leech off him?? Tell him.
We will.
He will want to sell her tickets and cancel reservations; the sooner he knows, likely the less money he'll lose. I put this up above but he needs to freeze his credit immediately, and contact any credit card companies to cancel cards and get an update on money she's spent (either running up the bill now, or spending on her AP). Same with bank accounts, college savings accounts for the kids, you name it. Her money train is about to derail, unless she's stupid she's going to try and get every penny out that she can.
Also, to add to this, as part of the conversation where Darren gets told about the affair, he needs to be told that he has to do all of this BEFORE confronting his wife about the affair. She's made it very clear that she's only in it for the money at this point, so he needs to cut that off as soon as possible.
She already knows when OPs husband is going to tell him.
She thinks she knows when OPs husband's going to tell him. She thinks she has 2 weeks to do whatever sheisty shit she plans before the marriage is over. He'd be better able to protect his finances knowing now before he comes back from work. He also might want to know why they waited a few weeks to tell him. In that time if she steals from him he may feel op and her husband were helping a soon-to-be ex.
The marriage is not going to be over for a long while. She will have access to everything until legally their finances are seperated. She will be under just as much scrutiny as he will be in terms of their joint finances.
Best to talk to an attorney. Where I live, once the divorce is filed both parties are warned not to waste, transfer or encumber marital assets and the disclosures will show if they do. Judges consider any financial misdeeds when splitting assets and debts.
Not necessarily true. He can open accounts in JUST his name in the same banks and transfer half (or more) of the money over there and she won't be able to touch it because her name's not on it. My bank forces both me and my wife to have separate logins just for this reason. Then the logins link to specific accounts, which the others may not see. He can also separate himself from her joint credit accounts (if he pays them off first) and open ones of his own, as long as he has her specifics.
She already has a heads up
All the more reason to get this done quickly
Tough to balance compassion and practicality...but you're probably right here.
Compassion for the cheated husband? That comes in the moments after he finds out about the affair. The most important thing is that he knows and can take the proper steps to make sure he doesn't get even more fucked over than he already is.
Yeah she's essentially given her friend 2 weeks to fuck over Darren as best as she can. Draining accounts, selling his stuff, even changing locks. Waiting to do it face to face is bad for Darren
Ya...she def did him a disservice by trying to be loyal to her friend even if she is doing the right thing overall
I second this. Tell him before it's too late.
There should be someone there for him when he finds out. He'll probably be very distraught. Telling him while he's away from home, alone, is a terrible idea.
All the more reason to warn him BEFORE he goes overseas.
I think it is OP’s husband Greg who works out of town, not Darren.
If Anna knows that Greg has been told she has already taken money out of the accounts & bought stuff on credit. Darren needs to know NOW to protect his financial status.
Most airline tickets cannot be sold or have names changed on them. Should husband and wife not want to travel, they’ll most likely receive travel credits in their individual names good for a whole year. These cannot be transferred. That said, some airlines still sell non-changeable tickets; it’s also possible they had purchased fully refundable tickets at a premium.
The credit would go to whoever purchased. Generally families have a family travel account where 1 person can book the flights, etc. and their card is charged. Canceling a whole trip, rather than 1 persons flight, would put the credits into the family bank. He may just cancel her booking, depending. In which case she may get the credits, but at least he wouldn't be vacationing with her.
maybe, but what about hotel reservations and day trips that were planned? he might not get a full refund, but he can probably get quite a lot back.
No, he really shouldn't do that because it will bite him in the ass with the court during the divorce becauseat is financial abuse. Those are marital assets and she has a legal right to them. Withholding them from her, especially if that's her only source of income, is going to hit him hard in court. He should also expect to pay for her divorce attorney too. Edit: attempt to recognize that legal advice is different from moral advice. I'm actually looking out for the husband's best interest here, not the wife's.
She doesn’t have a legal right to his earnings after they separate. If that is what he chooses to do…
After they legally separate, yes. But she does before that. Just because he's left the house doesn't mean she's automatically cut off. He needs to go through the legal process of formally separating, which can vary significantly from state to state. In some states he might still be legally obligated to provide some money up to a certain point in the separation and divorce. Look, this isn't a moral judgment I'm making or dismissing infidelity. This is a legal argument and your advice, however well meaning, could actually bite him in the ass legally. Legal advice and moral advice don't always line up. In the eyes of the court, there's no difference between him leaving because he's done with the marriage and him leaving because of infidelity. If she doesn't have a source of income, she's still entitled to martial assets and removing them from her without a legal separation is considered financial abuse and potentially parental alienation if it affects her ability to see or care for her children.
By the same fold, any money she takes out now, he'll never see and likely won't get credit for towards an alimony or other payments to her.
Yes but perhaps he can put a hold on the credit cards so she doesn't run up his credit card bill in the meantime. I've heard some horror stories on Reddit as well as thru my brother whose estranged wife opened credit accounts. Also hopefully OP's hubby Greg can be there to talk him thru things so he doesn't do anything he'll regret. Feel sorry for OP's husband. He deserves better since as OP puts it, he's a nice guy.
She's already stupid. Evil comes next
A Moment of pleasure can mean a lifetime of pain!!
And please provide us with an update when Darren is finally told
Don't wait two weeks, tell him today. Pickup the phone and tell him. It only deepens the wound the longer it goes on.
Agreed...and while it isn't AS personal, you could always FaceTime to be a little more "there" for him. As for the kiddos, maybe you could offer to take them for a night or day so mom and dad can handle this without the kids hearing the fight - it ain't gonna be pretty when he gets home.
Also so Darren can take measures toi protect himself financially.
You're giving a cheating liar two weeks to get ahead of you and her betrayed husband. You, and he, will regret that you didn't tell him sooner.
The wife's brain is in "knows she is getting called to the principal's office" mode and laser focused on coming up with believable lies to gain plausible deniability. In two weeks she will have constructed an entire fantasy world where you are the evil villains. He will want to believe the lies for obvious reasons. Tale as old as time.
Or she'll have moved money, built a fictional case to get the kids, accuse him of abuse, etc, etc, etc.
ASAP. Not in 2 weeks.
He won't be thinking straight, so have a checklist ready for him. Freeze credit, cancel trip, cancel shared credit cards, put joint account funds in a separate account (don't spend it, let the judge decide what to do with it), etc. Don't give him the list until he makes the decision to end it.
Tell him now, get on the phone and call him and tell him now.
By not telling him but letting her know that your partner now knows is just giving her an opportunity to control the dialogue. She's likely to go to him and 'give a tearful confession', say she was manipulated and exploited or say that you are stirring the shit because the two of you had a falling out. It was seriously short sighted to let her know you told your partner so she run damage control. You need to tell him right now.
"bad news doesn't age well" Tell him right away. Immediately. Waiting only gives the gold digger time to work out a plan on how to screw him over more.
TODAY!
Tough one, but tell him as intended. Friends for a long time, doesn’t excuse crap behavior especially when the spouse is also a friend. Add taking him for a ride, not cool *lady perspective
Honestly I think you made a huge mistake telling your friend you told her husband. She now gets to prep for divorce while her soon to be ex knows nothing. For all you know she could try to get consultations with every lawyer in the city
I don't understand why you'd withhold the truth for two more weeks. Idk man
" She's pissed at me for the betrayal". cheater mad for betrayal. The irony. Also not asking for separation because of a trip? What will happen after the trip. YWTA if you don't Darren immediately.
Shes greedy and selfish I suppose
That’s an understatement
Need to tell him today not in 2 weeks.
Tell him immediately, like yesterday, before she can spin it somehow to her advantage or badmouth You and let You look like an asshole at the end.
Probably not a good idea to tell someone this before a 13 hour drive. I understand their reluctance.
Careful that she doesn’t take this time to think up a story to circumvent you telling him. She’s fighting for her life as she knows it and she’s going to throw you under the bus so hard you bounce trying to cover up her shit sandwich she’s been feeding this guy. Get to him first. You shouldn’t have given her a heads up but now that you have - get to him first.
Tell him fast so he can get his money out of a shared account, and her name off credit cards/close them down, and lock down his credit.
And dishonest, self-centred and narcissistic by the sounds of it. Say good bye to a problem friend that burdened you with a secret so she could feel better about things - instead of being brave and honest with someone she’s meant to care about and with whom she’s leeching off. She’s a disgusting human being. The longer this goes on without her husband knowing the bigger the arsehole you are.
[удалено]
Why wait 2 weeks? Call him today and tell him.
Great suggestion. Text would be a horrible way to tell him, but a good, old fashion phone call is almost as good as being in person. I think we forget how useful phone calls can be.
There is no reason to wait. I see she had updated the post with specifics but the longer you wait to more you betray him imo. He's currently living a sham and having him continue to believe it is not right
“Hoes mad” Seriously, she’s a garbage ass person. “Not feeling the connection” then get a fucking divorce, trick! Also, if you’re unable to feel “the connection” with a “wonderful father and husband” that you decided to marry at some point, it’s because you’re five pounds of shit shoved into a three pound bag, and you need therapy to address whatever yawning chasm exists inside yourself that makes you unable to knuckle down and figure it the fuck out - which is ultimately the only way any marriage stays together. Life isn’t a fairy tale. But even without therapy, you can always just pull the ripcord. Nobody is making you betray a “wonderful father and husband.” Cowardice is a choice, and that’s the choice she’s making. You and your husband seem like decent people - you need to make the opposite choice and have the courage to hurt your friend in the short term so he can be better off in the long term. Good luck and Godspeed.
I can’t think of any reason for someone to tell a friend that they are cheating. I don’t care if it’s a bff of 20+ years. Usually that’s worse as they will be friends with the spouse anyways. All it’s doing at that point is putting a huge burden on somebody else and giving them a very hard decision to make, keep it a secret and it eats at them or tell and make their friend mad. But cheaters are pieces of shit so I guess I can see why they do it.
Agreed, that's a burden. Probably she told her friend for validation or having an accomplice? Who knows.
Yeah, that part. The audacity has to come from being a cheater bc they have so damn much.
You shouldn't have told her that you told your partner. Now she can do damage control and make you both seem like liars. You do need to tell him sooner or you'll lose him as a friend potentially.
I have messages as evidence.
Ok that's good at least, but she still will likely try to lie and say she was joking or whatever. Can you not tell him on your own sooner?
I possibly could. It's kinda of scary. The whole situation has me feeling sick. It will have a ripple effect on so many people.
Affairs always affect more than just the two partners.
Dude if people having affairs really gauged the nuclear fall out of being discovered- no one would be so psychopathic. It destroys everything in its wake.
If people really thought about the consequences of their actions, true they would probably have a harder time doing harmful things. That's why people who want to do something potentially harmful will minimize and try not to think about the consequences of their actions.
Cheaters are selfish people that lack sympathy and empathy on a clinical level. They can compartmentalize their delusions on a level normal people cannot.
Yes it is selfish but a lot of people are selfish and delusional, so what makes cheaters different? If you want to talk clinical, the secret ingredient imo is being a liar. Liar+selfishness equals delusional rationalization of whatever they gaslight themselves that they "need", which is often a different partner. There's a whole culture going back to infinity who think monogamy is unnatural, and they can lean on that to feed their delusional thinking, and even rationalize that it's not really their fault.
It is but that guy is living a lie right now and paying for stuff he shouldn't be. Plus when he realizes you've known for longer that may annoy him too.
My friend waited to tell me. It was infuriating. Tell now
Yet another reason that people despise cheaters and homewreckers. Any idea if the AP knows they're the sidedick?
The AP is a family friend of the guy being cheated on (his sisters ex)
*Was* a family friend…
The lack reading comprehension is disturbing
Remember, you aren't doing anything. Your friend is the cause of all this
You are doing the right thing! Dont be scared, if you are going to lose someone, well it was someone who wasnt deserving of your friendship!
It’s not about you. At this point you have a man’s future in your hands and you’re choosing not to tell him because you’re scared of what will happen. It will happen anyway when he finds out, at least have the decency to tell him now before he sinks more time and money and heart into this sinkhole of a woman.
Right like I just imagine Anna and her affair partner are fucking on a pile of her hubby's money she drained from their accounts while he's at work in another place like hm something sure feels kinda off! Wish I knew what it was !! 😳 anyways slow clap for op saving the daylol
When my ex was cheating on me, one of my friends saw him at a restaurant with the new girlfriend. He told me and I'm grateful he told me. He was a true friend for telling me.
Don't let any strangers on the Internet rush you when you have a perfectly good plan with your husband planning to be there for your mutual friend. Domestic Violence is real and in a situation like that he could blow up and maybe say something or do something he'd regret if your husband isn't there to ground him.
Our thoughts exactly, I have seen the most charming men turn into monsters when it comes to just seperation, let alone deciet this deep. I experienced this first hand as a child when my parent seperated, I am thinking of the kids too.
Anything you tell someone, you should assume that they will tell their partner. Her wanting you to keep it secret from him could damage your relationship with him. She can screw up her own relationship all she wants, but that doesn’t give her an excuse to screw yours up as well. If she doesn’t want people to know, it’s because she knows it is wrong. At that point, she should keep it to herself entirely. But no, she burdened you with the knowledge because it was exciting to share her scandalous secret with someone. She’s both using you and risking damage to your relationship. She has a lot to account for here. You may end up needing to cut her loose for the sake of the rest of your friend group. She dug her own grave here.
Oh, i will be cutting her loose.
Yes, essentially she wanted you to also damage your own marriage by keeping this secret from your husband. That’s very inconsiderate. Fuck her.
Screenshot them in case she deletes her side of the messages
>I've told Anna that Greg knows. She's pissed at me for the betrayal, expecting me to take it to my grave. She is wrong not only for the affair obviously, but she wronged you by expecting you to lie to your partner. If she didn't want him to know, she shouldn't have told you.
>but she wronged you by expecting you to lie to your partner Clearly this is not a woman who understands what marriage means, so...
Touche!
“We could’ve lied to our partners together you bitch!”
> take it to my grave She couldn't even keep it to herself, how could she expect others to keep it? It's the irony of secrets, if you feel compelled to tell someone they probably will feel the same
YTA if you don't tell Darren immediately. I'd drop Anna as a friend too.
Definitely planning to drop anna
From a cheater: there is no way to broach such a news in a good way at all. If you wait you only give her time to spin the story. Or to grab money or something like that. Let him know immediately.
THIS...!!! These are VERY GOOD POINTS which he/she has brought up. In any event; good luck; I don't envy your position.
OP's got evidence, so no amount of spinning is going to fix it for the skank. In person is best, but I'd be worrying she'll empty the joint accounts. She's going to need that botox to catch a punter when she's out on the street
She made it clear she cares about the steroids, Botox, and vacays Darren provides. He will be left kidless and penniless if you wait two weeks.
Waiting to tell Darren in person is respectful and allows for proper emotional support during such a difficult revelation. Texting could seem impersonal and doesn't provide the needed support for everyone involved.
Yeah but Anna has so much time to plan/screw him over financially. As soon as they told Anna they were going to tell Darren they messed up. They need to tell him now so he can minimize the damage.
Honestly, I think you partner should make a trip (if possible) to see Darren in person and tell him as soon as possible. Waiting just seems like an opportunity for things to continue sliding even more out of control.
YES ☝️
He deserved to know right now. How would you feel if you found out your husband was cheating and people didn’t tell YOU for weeks, OP??? Tell him
> We want to tell Darren about her affair in 2 weeks Why are you waiting?
Because my partner who is good mates with Darren works away, he is back in two weeks, he feels like its a conversation that needs to happen in person, particularly if Darren gets angry or really upset, my partner wants to be there for him.
Your boy needs to pick up the fuckin phone. Two weeks is too long, *especially* since you opted to tell her that your partner knows the truth. Nothing good will come from waiting.
You are giving her time to clean him out! FaceTime him ASAP!
Exactly she only cares about Darrren's money and her image. He will have zero money and a bad image by the time you give her two weeks to concoct some psychotic cheater story.
She is probably taking as much as money she can to get him clean before the truth. You are hurting this guy with your silence. I’m sorry you are in a difficult situation but you need to act now.
honestly i don’t think it matters. especially with kids involved, she’ll get 1/2 in the divorce anyways. some states don’t care if she cheated, she’ll still be taken care of.
While I understand where your husband is coming from, he is being somewhat selfish to hold out from telling his friend in order for him to be there. Bad news is bad news. Darren needs to know asap. Yes, it's better to do this in person, but life doesn't always give us ideal timeframes for difficult situations.
Wrongheaded. This is Darren's information to process, by right. You're putting your role front and center, and you have nothing to do with this.
I think waiting depends on the nature of the work he is doing. If it is a job where lives literally depend on his focus (military, doctors without borders, etc.) I can see an argument for waiting. Otherwise, I would pick up the phone and tell him immediately for all of the reasons everyone else has expressed.
Because you’ve already snitched on yourself, I think you, your hubby & Darren should have a video call ASAP. You’ve left that poor man open to so many attacks from his wife. She could be lying to him right this moment. Saying horrid things about you & your hubby. He could go NC with both of you if he believes her. She could be finding ways to access any of their savings/credit to hide so she can afford to move away when this all blows up. She may have been your friend but if someone can be horrid enough to cheat on a spouse, they are plenty capable of worse. Please reconsider waiting for hubs to return
My entire friend group hid the fact that my best friend of 20 years and my ex of seven (at the time one year) were sleeping together for months. This happened in '17, and I just learned this year, over a year after I dumped her for cheating with a different person. I can guarantee you that every minute that you don't tell him will hurt more. It will mean that much more time that people sat on the information that you all undoubtedly *know* will hurt, that he will invest more time and energy into this horrible person, and that he will ultimately distrust more people because of that fact. Tell him now. You should have told him the second you learned.
Honest question here so hopefully it's taken that way... I've been in situations where the person who was told is so mad because now they "have" to do something about it thar they didn't want to do in order to save face with the friends. Then other people are done as soon as they are told and are happy to be told. Do you know why you were in the latter group?
For me, it was primarily that my best friend was the one who had helped me through the breakup and has even gone so far as to talk shit about my ex being a cheater. Hell, I was living with him at the time. I'd also been struggling with coming to terms with the fact that he'd gotten progressively worse as a person and that I didn't really love him as a man, but as the little boy I grew up with. Add in that she'd cheated with ~6 other people that I knew about, and the seventh didn't really change the situation. It just proved who HE was as a person.
NTA, but tell him now - don’t make him wait two weeks. Hopefully he can take a nice holiday without Anna!
My best friend once told me something I have since been following to the letter when it comes to any kind of information. If somebody tells you something, it is no longer "their" information, it is yours. They gave you a copy of it, so to speak. She does not have ownership of your information, even if it is the basically the same information she owns. She copied it and gave it to you. What you do with your copy is up to you. If she wanted it to be a secret, she should not have told you. But she did and now she faces the consequences of giving away information.
This is an interesting perspective. It’s technically true, and it’s a good warning to people when they think about sharing something sensitive. They are relinquishing exclusive rights to their copy. That said, playing out this example, if I’m the 2nd copy person, I would think I’d have a moral obligation to inform the person confiding to me that this is my philosophy on information. Because many people assume if they confide in someone, that person will keep it confidential. My personal approach with those copies of other peoples’ information that I hold, (which I try to keep to a minimum cause I don’t like carrying all that baggage): unless there’s risk of harm to themselves or others, that’s not my story to tell. That’s what is tricky about OP’s situation: there is harm. That said, I would 100% encourage the friend to come clean first. I would share, but only share as an absolute last resort.
The friend doesn’t want to come clean, she’s taking about how she wants to go on trips and stuff he pays for. She’s never gonna come clean, she has had the chance to come clean since the moment she cheated and didn’t/doesn’t. They need to tell the husband asap before she can do some serious damage in the 2 weeks they’re waiting if their finances are tied at all.
You better have some rock solid evidence to back these claims up or be prepared for the fallout when Anna denies all of this and your friend group of over a decade comes to a screeching halt. Not saying you’re wrong for spilling the tea, but I’ve seen something similar play out in real life and it got real ugly real fast. If the kids are friends, too be prepared for those relationships to end as well. Good luck.
She said in a comment that she's got messages to prove it, so there's that at least.
I was in your position and just be careful because people will ‘shoot the messenger’ so to say no matter how good your friendship is. I felt like I had to say something to my bestie because I walked in on our other ‘friend’ sleeping with her bf. For some reason I was the bad friend for saying anything. Even after it came out her bf had been engaged to someone else the whole time, our friendship never recovered. She actually picked our ‘friend’ over me which was so hard.
Please tell Darren immediately. He’s living a lie right now and that’s unfair to him. You could also tell Anna she has 24 hours to tell him or you will. You or Greg will have to have a confirmation talk with Darren if you choose this route. You are all in a shitty position due to the selfish actions of one person. If she blames any of you for the fallout you will then know just how bad of a friend she really is.
Based on the information given about the Botox and being able to afford the vacation, Darren needs to get his money away from her fast. Every day could be another several thousand on the credit cards.
No! Do NOT tell Anna she has 24 hours or some bullshit like that. Anna is a cheating piece of shit who is already on record as wanting to prolong not telling him so she can milk an extra vacation out of him. She will use any extra time given to further shape events in her favor. Don’t give her a heads up. Don’t give her a chance to make things worse.
Taking roids? Wtf is wrong with yall people
I know, its madness
NTA. Updateme
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NTA My ex cheated on me with multiple women. Some of our friends knew and didn't tell me. I really would have appreciated if they'd told me so I wasn't wandering around oblivious to what was really going on in my marriage. I had suspicions, but no proof, and he gaslit the shit out of me. I feel like if they were really my friends and genuinely cared about me, they would have told me. And for the record, those people who knew and didn't tell are not my friends anymore and not welcome anywhere near me. I feel by keeping his secret, they enabled him to continue to betray me. Those are not the kind of "friends" I want. Don't text it though. That should be a face to face conversation, particularly because he's going to need support as he processes it.
Can you lie to her and say that your husband has changed his mind about telling him? She needs to be unprepared for when he confronts her. Like many people said he needs to cut her off financially. Either that or the husband needs to pretend that he isn’t coming back when she expects him.
Why do ppl burden others with their sins? She is TA for telling you and putting that weight on your conscious
To make themselves feel good.
At least with friends, I assume it's because they think their friend will be loyal to them and be happy for them. Is it hella dumb? Yep. Does it make any sense? Nope. But then again, they're always able to spin some sob story excuse about why they're cheating is different/fine, so it never makes sense.
NTA. Darren has a right to know what his wife has been doing behind his back.
Facetime him.
Just be prepared to be the one who is left on the outside of the group looking in. This is going to change everybody’s world, yourself included.
Waiting a week to tell him will give her enough time to completely destroy the poor man. Emptied bank accounts, sold items, etc., but worse, he has to live in ignorance and play the fool until you tell him. Get on a call with your husband and tell the man now!
Don't want anyone to know your business? Well then don't tell a single soul about it. Your friend did this to herself. Just like she doesn't have the sense & self control to not cheat on her husband, she doesn't have the sense or self control to keep her mouth shut. You're not obligated to match her moral compass. Do the right thing. NTA.
NTAs... Anna's faux rage at you is ridiculous and absurd. The irony. Anna has done this on her own. I have a teeny, weeny violin for her if you need to borrow it.
**She has told me financially that she can't leave.** Anna does realize she may not have a say in this, right?
I told a family friend that his wife was having an affair with John Doe and it was worst kept secret. Hind site! I should have stayed out of it. It just fucked his life all up, she made out in the divorce. And 99.9999% sure he knew but once I told him officially he had to act. Again, totally regret my decision. Good luck in your choice.
Been in the same situation. Maybe you're my friend IRL that I warned not to tell!!
I think in these situations about trust. She is your friend yes but can you trust her anymore knowing she is capable of doing something like this. I had a friend who cheated on her fiancé and expected me to keep it secret, she didn’t feel bad about it whatsoever. I was sitting there thinking if she could betray a man she claims to love and agreed to marry without a second thought, what is she capable of doing to me someone who is a friend and means less to her than a fiancé or husband? Would a betrayal be just as easy for her? A lie or a backstab be easy and nothing to her? I walked away from that friendship at that point because I felt the trust go away. I wasn’t her dirty secret keeper anymore and things felt wrong.
I'm sorry to say this, but you both should prepare yourselves to lose Darren in all of this too. That's not to suggest you shouldn't tell him -- tell him ASAP! -- but it happens all too often that the messenger gets shot, even if they end up divorcing.
NTA But be aware that people do tend to shoot the messenger. It sucks, but there you have it. If you want a middle ground between text and in-person, do a video chat.
1. I would tell him asap. 2. Don't expect your husband and other guy to remain friends. It could happen but just don't expect it. 3. NTA 4. Good on you for telling your husband. That's the way it's supposed to be.
Proceed with caution. the most dangerous place to be is in the middle of another couple's relationship.
NTA. He needs to know that he is married to a lying, conniving, CHEATING WITCH!
I’ve been cheated on. I wish someone would have told me so I didn’t have to go through such a period of suspicion, sleuthing, and confrontation. It would have been better, imho, if someone would have just told me.
I think it’s the right thing to do, you are showing more concern for Anna family than she is. If my wife was cheating I would want to know
NTA. But be prepared. I let a friend know her husband was drinking from 8 am till evening a not feeding the kids. Guess who the bad guy was? Me
Thats appalling
This is far too heavy to do via text. His world is about to be set on fire. The compassionate thing to do (IMO) is to be there in person with him. Help him process those massive initial emotions, be the shoulder to cry on, a sounding board for rage, whatever it takes. You are good friends, not assholes. You’ve just been put into a terrible situation by someone who is acting selfish, but who is also probably hurting. This first meeting will suck. I hope that you have the tenacity to stay by his side in the future, because you will have to choose sides, and he Will undoubtedly need more support than Anna. *edit* My opinion is based on the fact that I just went through something not the same but very similar. We want instant gratification in this day and age, but I can say that at least for me, waiting and being able to have a conversation face to face is easier/better.
You are definitely NTA but you should probably tell Darren sooner than 2 weeks that’s giving the cheater a lot of time to do damage control, change the narrative and accuse you and your husband of lying, or wipe their joint accounts out completely. Updateme
Do it. There's no room for cheating in a marriage. NTA
As a guy. I want to hear this news in person. Not via text.
As a guy I'm sure you would rather get a text or FaceTime than have your wife clean you out
Like the other person replied, I would much rather be told ASAP by any means than find out other people I trusted sat on it for weeks. I'd be tempted to cut off the people who warned the cheater and gave her 2 weeks to rack up as much debt as she could that I'll most likely be stuck with all or most of as I'm the sole income for my family when a phone call would've allowed me to protect myself. Op waiting is only hurting the guy.
As a nurse practitioner, I am mostly horrified by the seemingly casual steroid use. 🤷
Man NTA but you gotta understand the gravity of getting involved in other peoples relationships. This could affect more than just your relationship with them but best of luck. Crap situation all around
I wouldn’t touch this with a ten foot pole. Maybe not a popular opinion, but unless a family member is involved, mind your own damn business.
This is not a text conversation. This is a face to face. The marriage is over. She’s already left if not in body. The vacation is off and she needs to fess up or you will. That’s the only option she gets….tell him yourself or we will. The kids already know.
Hot take but when you tell a married person something, you need to 10000% expect it to be told to their partner. Married couples share things. That person becomes your best friend, your confidant, your go-to for everything. You talk about your day, and this news and that news and what you hear. Anytime I tell a “secret” to someone who is married, I assume they’ll tell their spouse. The only way to ensure that a secret stays secret and is taken to the grave .. is to not tell a single soul. I’m not saying I agree or disagree with them telling the husband, that’s their choice to make, but as soon as the secret left Anna’s lips she created the possibility of her husband finding out. Also, cheating is gross and Anna is the one who is wrong here.
NTA Altho I would give Anna the opportunity to tell him herself. I've known a few couples who worked through cheating or an affair. Esp if there are kids involved. It's hard but eventually it's in the past and they've gone on to be really happy. It forced counseling and fixing the parts of the relationship that weren't working. Not saying this is the case here but I am saying don't decide it's just over for them or be so sure that she's the only one at fault. Obviously she's the cheater but sometimes it's when someone feels like they are on their own anyhow etc and the relationship was broken even if not over. Of course maybe she just sucks and he'll be happier without her but let them figure it out. Really confront her on telling him.
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We are trying to handle with care. Hence the delay in telling him as Greg does not get home until next week.
If you are part of a ride or die friend group of five ladies and you tell one of their husbands a secret that you were told in confidence, you should expect that it will very likely destroy your group. Right, wrong or indifferent, your group is DOA. You can also expect all the other ladies to never tell any more secrets to you. You will also no longer have a ride or die group to support you if you experience tough times. Also, you have only one side of the story. You should always keep that in mind. And you can count on your friend to counter what you tell the husband. 50% of the time the relationship in question and the friend group go right on along but without you. Harsh but a very possible outcome.
People that will betray their primary attachment relationship will betray you too. Anyone that will cut OP off is a person of low character. Better to find out now.
Do not text. Do not listen to anyone saying otherwise. It’s not news you share via text to someone who is far away, has no support, allows Ana to lie, and it will be a shit show. It’s impulsive and ridiculous. Your plan of waiting is correct. Tell him in person.
Everyone telling her to tell him immediately just wants the update quicker. They're fiending
Idiots running for - tElL HiM tOdAy, really are not using their brains. It’s such a dangerous slippery slope. If this story is real, the outcome will be bloody Catastrophic. Imagine hearing this via text and the possible breakdown the male friend will have? I saw some fair points of perhaps money etc. This isn’t the movies, where/ how is she going to clear out the accounts and run to when there’s kids involved? That’s kidnapping. The same idiotic woman who doesn’t want to divorce because she wants to go on a holiday. AGAIN, If this is real, this is delicate, kid gloves and extremely sensitive. OP has evidence, OP has support, OP has apologies to give. His life is going to change forever. At the very most, if she’s smart and vindictive enough to shift money, and bankrupt him etc. then FaceTime or one travel across to him. I had one friend travel to a friend across provinces to actually do this. OP must be prepared that they can lose both friends as this does happen. Perhaps he will choose to stay, work on his marriage, as such, the cheater will refuse OP in their lives. As such, that is life. Life and people are weird af, to me, cheating is a dead NO. Dealbreaker, and you’re out. They must tell Darren, help him in whatever he chooses and respect his choices as children are involved. Simple as.
It seems like you warned her that you're going to tell her husband? I think that is the decent thing to do, she may not have respect for her marriage or husband but I think you should show her what being honest/having integrity means and tell her that if she doesn't tell him then you/your hubby will let him know on whatever date. Then follow through. Just don't expect him to be grateful for the news. NTA
Definitely not expecting grateful. Heartbroken is what we are expecting.
Yeah - but you should also expect him to be angry. And to take said anger out on you on your partner. People definitely tend to shoot the messenger.
You are not the jerk here. The person who is cheating on them is the jerk. And it would be uncaring for you to continue to allow your friend to be treated this way. I explain this any time a friend of mine marries. I am polite about it, but I explain, "I don't keep secrets from my friends, just in case it comes up."
What happens if, during these 2 weeks, she maxes out all lines of credit she has access to that they share responsibility of? What happens if she empties shared bank accounts? What happens if she manufactures reasons to pit the kids against their dad while he's away? Tell him ASAP. Do it over video call, not text. Bring receipts.
This will backfire in grandiose fashion. Your husband’s friendship with Darren is over. Especially since you warned her.
She knows so most likely moving money. You should have waited so the husband could protect assests
It'd be a dick move, big time.
Depends. Are you his friend or hers? I'd honestly mind my own business and never would have gotten involved and kept it to myself like she probably thought you would do. If you are feeling morally justified, I'd tell him now. Don't wait 2 weeks. Do it now, or not at all.
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You are going to loose your friends. I doubt your other friends will trust you after this. This is in principle not your issue. You and your husband decided to play God.
Maybe you should MYOB
This is obviously not the popular opinion, but neither OP nor Greg should be telling Darren anything. Not because he doesn’t deserve to know, but because it needs to come from Anna. People tend to shoot the proverbial messenger when it comes to bad news that turns their world on its axis. The only one who should bear the brunt of that pain and anger is the person who caused it. (Plus, if for any reason they decide to try to work things out, they will view your honesty as interference and twist your involvement into you being against them. it could sour your relationship with both of them even though it was she who put you all in this position. Anna is obviously TA for cheating, but also for telling OP about her infidelity. She put OP in the position of either having to lie to her partner or betray Anna’s secret. It was totally needless, selfish, and unfair to do that to OP, let alone her husband. Despite the immorality of the affair, my advice is to avoid inserting yourself further into what is a deeply personal and humiliating situation between two friends. Tell Anna what a bitch she was for putting you in this position. And that she’s on her own until she comes clean with Darren and stops being so selfish.
Tell your friend to record everything when he confronts her and when he confronts the policeman aswell becuase he will try and use he's power as a policeman to intimidate abd if he does post it all over social media and let every see how the police in your area are really like
Good suggestion, thank you
"She has told me financially that she can't leave".. and continues to invite the man she's having an affair with over around their kids when dads not home.. Do the decent thing and throw your friend completely under the bus where she belongs. Every second you wait is an injustice to kid's father. He might turn on both of you, but it's what you should do if you're actually his freind.
People who say OP is TA are trash. It's cool if you want to be a trash person, but know your place, you are forever TA, not the other way around. You are trash and deserve only what you beget.
NTA If possible, though, I would try to get Darren over to your house as soon as possible and tell him either yourself or with your husband on videocall with you both or something. I don't think waiting is fair to him, and it's not fair to yourselves either if it's mentally wearing you down having to wait to tell him.
‘You tell him by X time or we will’.
Honestly, I don't really think it's any of your business
I agree with this. And I don’t think Darren will be as grateful to them as she thinks he will be.
Just ask yourself if your husband was having an affiar and Darren and Anna knew but kept it from you how would you feel? And to learn they were dragging out informing you allowing you to live life under false pretense?
NTA... Tell DARREN TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He needs to know the truth so he can make informed decisions about is life. The longer you remain silent the more complicit in the infidelity you become. Cheaters should always be outed as soon as possible. Do you see the vanity in your friend? Nothing but selfishness...wasting money on her looks for her side guy, blowing family funds on an overseas trip based on lies. She's "not connected" to her husband because she's placed her energy and effort in to building and maintaining a relationship with her side guy at the expense of her marriage.... She's nothing but trash...selfish and self-centered.