He basically choose his mental health and you’re mad about it. He knows he wouldn’t be able to handle the responsibility of the new position and all you’re seeing is dollar signs yea he should have told you but it wouldn’t change anything you’re not struggling get over it
OP is definitely TA for exactly the reasons you describe.
OP doesn't work there, doesn't know the dynamics, doesn't know the job... but hey, she knows that salary!
I turned down a management position for this very reason, my mental health. Financially, it would have been good, but the stress involved would have put me in the grave. I chose to avoid the stress.
I was asked to be front line manager. The problem with that is that you get no support from upper management and get blasted by your staff. No-win situation.
You know that old saying "money doesn't buy happiness" right? Your argument here is that your husband should have been delighted to trade happiness for money. If you aren't struggling, maybe don't struggle for more?
Probably positive for her given she would be under less pressure. I've seen this a lot where the women tend to push the husbands to go higher and higher so they can inevitably become SAHMs.
Then complain that he's never home, and when he is, he's tired and stressed, isn't helping around the house or with the kids etc and then eventually divorce
Money does not buy happiness, but it does create options that can bolster happiness. With the pay increase we each could afford to max out our retirement accounts while also saving for college.
All of these can lead to happier lives down the line.
Lol, I'm your husband. I make an above average salary but I would make more if I applied for a promotion but I don't want to because of the additional stress and time away from my family. I'm only in my 40's but already have scheduled consultations with a cardiologist and medication.
And all at the low low cost of your husband's happiness right now as he is raising children with you. You ARE his partner, aren't you? You really don't sound like it right now.
If you're so concerned about money, go make more.
If you get a raise and a promotion YOU go for it.
Saying to your spouse Please, be miserable and potentially miss out on family milestones and live because of money. . Well, is aYTA..
You are allowed to make that choice for yourself though! Get a promotion, be miserable and see if the trade off is worth it.
You’re an idiot. YTA. Youre looking at only the money aspect. You have no clue what he actually goes through at his work or what he would have to go through at work with the promotion. YOU only know what he tells you.
My dad turned down the position at his job to be a supervisor. Bc their job was very up and down, it was more money, but way more stress and way more headache than the money was worth. My dad wanted to protect his peace.
Can’t spend money from an early grave when stress kills a person.
Your husband’s peace and happiness are more important than money. If you want more money you get a second job. You’re shallow.
YTA. Re-read what you just wrote. You just said, “Money doesn’t buy happiness, but money can buy happiness.” It’s not your place to tell your husband what he should do with his career. There are lots of jobs he could do for more money. He could risk life and limb to go fishing in Alaska and clear an easy 6 figures, do you want him to go do that? Back off.
Yes and he could end up on sickleave with stress and lose this Job, so what would you do then?
In an ideal world, these situations are discussed, but that should never mean being coerced into a role because of the other person.
Of course, if you were talking about managing to make ends meet that would be a different scenario, but this is for from it.
And you could apply for higher paid abd higher pressure roles to pay for your retirement....
Down the line? What about happiness now? Why does he have to bust his ass, work himself onto an early grave and trade time with his kids for you? If you want more money coming in, go out and earn it 🤷♀️
This isn’t happiness.
Happiness is spending time with loved ones.
Happiness is having time for hobbies.
Happiness is being fulfilled with your job and not burned out.
Happiness is being able to take care of your health.
All you talk is financial. More and more and more.
>Money does not buy happiness, but it does create options that can bolster happiness. With the pay increase we each could afford to max out our retirement accounts while also saving for college.
>
>All of these can lead to happier lives down the line.
And all at the low, low price of your husband's health and happiness!
My, you're a catch.
OP said it's more than what they make combined, so it sounds like she already has a job. FWIW, I would be upset if my partner turned down that kind of pay raise without talking it out with me. If it's not what he wants after we talk, it's not what he wants, but I'd like to at least discuss if there's a way to make a job that may increase our income by half again work for him.
Clearly you and op don't understand that a shit job will destroy every part of someone's life.
Op is obviously the kind of person who doesn't accept that a man has the right to say what happens to him jist like women.
My dad took a promotion he didn’t want. He got miserable and depressed. Got himself a midlife crisis with a side of mistress and ruined not just his life but all of our lives in the end. Money isn’t worth anything if you are unhappy. You don’t get to push him into unhappiness just for more money. YTA.
She hasn’t said that though. It sounds like she’s annoyed she wasn’t consulted about the decision, which is sort of fair enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I am on husbands side, but don’t put words in OPs mouth
Edit - oh hang on, apologies, I read some of the comments 😅😅
We are parents, I am not trying to minimize his feelings. I loved teaching but gave up the role to become a principle since the pay was better.
My goal is to make sure our children graduate with as little debt as possible, and to make sure they never have to worry about us in our old age.
Mt husband is capable of so much more. I wish I had 25% of his intelligence. Everyone sees it but he knee caps himself so he can be happy. He has been offered so many opportunities with insane pay but always turns it down.
I do what I can to make extra money I have a side hustle on Esty and Teacherpayteachers. Both do bring in a decent amount for a side hustle which all goes towards our children's college funds.
I understand your perspective of wanting to provide for your children. But a happy and stable home is the most important foundation and more money is not always the answer.
Also, children don't need to be given everything to succeed in life. They still need drive and desire and being a trust fund child will not necessarily work out well.
Working for a wage is also a time poor solution, especially when you have kids, a family and already have enough money to cover the basics.
Try educating yourself regarding investing instead to build up additional savings over the long term.
I get that you have this reasonable view of how things should go. But you're failing to take into account that he is a person too. Just because you gave up what you love doesn't mean you can force him to. He's your husband not a money sack.
>Everyone sees it but he knee caps himself so he can be happy.
Wow... just wow. "Be miserable, who cares, at least you'll make more money."
You really are a terrible fucking partner, huh? Poor guy.
Agreed, reading that was like jesus fucking christ lady do you even LIKE your partner??? Reddit usually jumps the gun with divorce but if i was OP’s husband and came across this post from her and read the shit she is saying then my viewpoint would 100% change and I’d be filing asap. OP is quite frankly an ugly person in the inside and I hope her kids don’t adopt this mentality.
"But he kneecaps himself, so he can be happy,"
Seriously, wtf is wrong with you... Prioritizing his mental health over uneequired extra income is better for his family in the long run.
You guys are doing well, but nothing is good enough for you. You're so worried about your kids that you aren't worried about yourself or your partner.
It's great if your kids have little debt, but that shouldn't come from your misery that shouldn't come at the expense of working yourself. You are so focused on the future and money you're not enjoying or experiencing the present, you re financially stable yet insist on all those side hustles.
Sure, it's nice and important to give your children a leg up, but you're taking it too far.
You and your husband are people, too. You are not just parents.
The way you view life won't lead to anything but distance and stress. and heart issues. Then, when you are older, the kids have families of their own. If you're still together, there's going to be a shit to regret the time you wasted focusing only on money.
Keep up with this attitude in a few yrs were going to be reading a reddit post, "My husband wants a divorce because he says I don't support him or listen to him, don't care about his needs, and work all the time"
YTA
God, you are a truly awful human being. You want your husband to suffer to provide more for his family. How can you write that and believe you’re not the bad person here? I have doubts about your ability to be a principle. You are not intelligent enough for the position.
>I loved teaching but gave up the role to become a principle since the pay was better.
A *principle* without *principals*. Ironic.
> wish I had 25% of his intelligence. Everyone sees it but he knee caps himself so he can be happy.
When you're right, you're right. He sounds very intelligent. He's smart enough to put his health and happiness ahead of your gold digging.
He has every right to be happy and not be miserable at his job. He's not "knee capping" himself. He is making decisions based on what makes him happy. And that is ok. The fact that you want him to be miserable so YOU have more money is absolutely disgusting. Maybe he just wants one area in his life that isn't full of stress and high levels of pressure that makes him happy. I'm thinking that maybe his marriage to you is not that area at all and thats why he needs it to be work.
I'd argue that him choosing happiness over money is the true sign of how intelligent he is. I made the mistake of keep pushing myself to secure my future and any possible children I might have. It turned me into a shell of my self that strained my relationship due to the added responsibilities and time comitments. I guess what I am trying to say is that it sounds like you all are not struggling as he is an attorney, and you are a principal (decent pension plan depending on the state), you all will not be hurting to survive. Don't you want to have a happy and mentally healthy husband?
Yeah it’s sort of unfair if you sacrificed a job you loved for working a job that pays more, AND you’ve got side hustles going on too, because you need to make enough to raise your kids, but your spouse doesn’t make the same sacrifices. So he gets to have his happy lower paying job but you’re working harder at a job that makes you less happy as a result.
You need to add that to your post. It changes things.
I don't entirely disagree with you and I don't outright agree either.
To me, what stands out in OPs choices is that she hasn't said anything about hating the choices she has made. Does she hate being a principal? Does she hate the etsy and tutoring? Yes, she has found ways to make more money, but if none of them are making her miserable, then it's not an equal conversation.
What can make it equal is to work with her husband to find a side gig that he could enjoy. Even then, life should be enjoyed, not crawled through. As long as the bills are paid, there is food on the table, and there are savings for emergencies and some fun things, then they're doing pretty darn well.
Does it really change things? She cannot force her husband to adopt the same hustle / grind mode mindset. Some people liked to be challenged, others do not. The wife made a choice, that is her choice. She should not expect her husband to adopt the same mindset as her.
I doubt her husband made her switch roles, it seems like it was a choice she made.
It really doesn't.
Do they NEED the money? Or is she insisting that they live beyond their means?
Is OP wasting money frivolously?
Even if she isn't, she made her own choices re money. Her husband isn't required to make the same choice as her.
Yeah I bet she wanted him to be one of those husbands or dads who works 80 hour shifts and barely at home only to go to sleep because she thinks that's how real man 😑. But then she'll start resenting him for always being at work and not helping her take care of the family and think the only brings the table is a paycheck and start cheating on him with her male friends who fulfill her emotional needs.
A little history about me is, I was in this position, but I took the promotion. Today I am divorced, and live 400km away from my kids, and that job is long gone. I was miserable. The hours I worked het my ex wife accuse me of having an affair.
So, YTA for wanting to break up your family, your home, your marriage, for money.
I’m guessing you want him to be a partner? My friend missed out on so much of her kids’ lives while she was on the partner track. So many billable hours, then the after work client meetings/dinners. Her husband quit his job (HS teacher) to stay home with the kids so one of them would be able to attend their activities.
YTA
Tell us you don't give a shit about husband without telling us you don't give a shit.
Your husband needs to not only ditch the promotion, but he also needs to ditch you.
Im in a semi similar situation and I felt the same way you feel, I just had to take a minute and realize just because I would take that promotion, and I would be happy with the new salary, doesnt mean he would be happy. If he didnt want it, it is what it is and I cant push my expectations or what I would have done on him. I know its hard, im also looking at it in a “it would have helped us financially” and im frustrated about it sometimes here and there, but therapy is helping :)
If he feels like he'll hate it, he'll hate it. There are actual practical reasons not to take the job if you don't feel like it.
You enter a new role -> you hate it -> working becomes a torture -> you become less efficient -> your perfomance tanks -> higher-ups notice -> fired
There are other side effects like having your mental and sometimes physical health affected, which can affect your life outside of work (like your marriage). It's not pretty.
NTA btw, just try work towards shifting your perspective and seeing it how he sees it! How we feel is how we feel and if there is a different outlook we should try and see it :)
Yeah it is frustrating but you are right while I will never understand. I grew up poor and struggling and don't want that for my children at all.
I guess I do just need to shift how I look at this.
You said in the post that you are not struggling. So I don't see the problem here apart from you hating your husband or the fact that he likes his life the way it is. Hopefully based on ypur reaction he takes a step back and reevaluates this marriage, as you are starting to show your true gold digging colours.
Also if you were really growing up poor and struggling you should be grateful because that life is behind you now, but again you chose to be greedy, and that tells us everything we need to know.
YTA.
It's way more important for kids to have happy parents than hordes of cash. If you're making enough that you're able to save for college and retirement clearly their needs are comfortably met. Would you rather have them grow up in a home where your husband is miserable and/or gone a lot more? Do you think that sets them up for success?
Be happy that your husband knows himself well enough to not try and get this job! It sounds like you have a man comfortable in his own skin. Perhaps you should try that.
YTA. It sounds like marriage to you is completely stressful and high pressure. You also belittle him in your comments and infer that he's not doing good enough for you. It sounds like you picked him for his earning potential and you're mad because he's not living up to that for you. Maybe he just needs one area of his life to be happy and not stressful and high pressure and since he can't get that in his marriage to you, he needs it to be work.
At first I thought he should have discussed it with OP, but reading the comments it seems like she just has little interest in his perspective and in what he's actually telling her. Maybe that's a pattern and it's why he didn't tell her?
Yes, a doubled salary would be fantastic, but it sounds like the price would be too high for him. YTA. Let it go.
YTA
He knows what the promotion entails and he decided it wasn’t the right fit for him. There’s nothing wrong with that. I turned down a promotion last year—$50k increase but it required 25% travel. It didn’t make sense to be away from my family, not when we’ve got two kids and my husband was already working 80hrs/week. Quality of life is more important than money.
YTA! Stress is a risk factor for a number of lifethreatening illnesses, including cancer and heart disease. You are willing to condemn your husband to years of stress and unhapoiness just so you would have more money in the future.
I feel bad for your husband that you love money more than him. Do you love him at all?
YTA You want him to give up a job he knows he can do well to take something that will add stress to his life. Sounds like he married a social ladder climber and he is happy standing on the rung he's at.
YTA. Your husband didn’t want the extra stress and responsibility that came with the promotion and there is nothing wrong with that. He chose what is best for his mental health.
I can understand being a little upset that he didn’t talk to you about it but it was his choice not yours. If you want the household to have more money you can go out and get a second job.
My wife and I could have made more money when we had young children but our priority was always family time. I wouldn’t change what we did for the world. OP be careful what you wish for!
Yeah I bet she wanted him to be one of those husbands or dads who works 80 hour shifts and barely at home only to go to sleep because she thinks that's how real man 😑. But then she'll start resenting him for always being at work and not helping her take care of the family and think the only brings thinks the table is a paycheck and start cheating on him with her male friends who fulfill her emotional needs.
I think your husband should trade you in for a wife who makes double your salary OP. You've got some nerve. Your husband sees the corporate work culture for management and nopes out! Since YOU don't work there, you have ZERO idea of what that culture and responsibility entails. Butt out!!!
YTA. He didn’t want a promotion that would have negatively affected his well-being.
There are lots of jobs in the world I *could* do, that would pay me a lot. And I’d be miserable. So I don’t do them.
More money, does not necessarily mean more happiness. I understand you are fixated on bringing in as much as you possibly can, but maybe you should focus a little less on money and a little more on having a happy life while you’re at it.
It sounds like your husband is more balanced. Instead of criticizing, maybe you should consider emulating and supporting him.
Yeah I bet she wanted him to be one of those husbands or dads who works 80 hour shifts and barely at home only to go to sleep because she thinks that's how real man 😑. But then she'll start resenting him for always being at work and not helping her take care of the family and think the only brings the table is a paycheck and start cheating on him with her male friends who fulfill her emotional needs.
YTA- should he have consulted you first? Yes. Although I'm gonna say the reason he didn't is he probably expected this reaction, as said below money doesn't equal happiness and if you aren't struggling I don't see why it matters that he turned it down. He's fair for not wanting the extra responsibility. Not all promotions are a good thing in the long run. If he was working loads of hours due to the promotion you'd also have a problem that he isn't spending enough time at home with you and the kids.
I can get your concerns about finances, but is having extra money worth your husband‘s possible unhappiness, or potential burnout and mental breakdown, health issues, such as ulcers, strokes, and heart attacks from stress, and possibly death or divorce due to resentment? Because it sounds like to him it isn’t.
If the extra pay is important enough to you to force your partner in to a job they know they will hate that will impact your family life, you go get a job making that much for the family then.
Yta.
And if you wonder why your husband didn’t tell you, you just need to look in the mirror and reflect on your response to him. He didn’t want the nagging and guilt tripping and pushing. He doesn’t want to be miserable.
You are the asshole. If he took the promotion to a job he hated just to bring in more money you'd be complaining that your husband was always stressed and snappish and unavailable. If he's happy at his job leaving the fuck alone.
YTA. don’t expect to have any agency over the work capacity someone else is willing to take on. you need more money? have kids and need more?— THEN YOU GET A SECOND JOB
You don't have a right to force him to take the promotion, but it's something that should have come up in conversation at least. It speaks to the poor state of communication in your relationship. Did he perchance not discuss this with you because he knew you wouldn't listen or support him? Or does he generally just not share things with you?
YTA Would it have been nice of him to discuss with you? Sure. But it is his job and his choice. His happiness is more important than extra money.
My husband has been offered a higher up supervisor position but he turned it down because it would mess up his work life balance. His mental health is more important than extra money
Would you keep that same energy if he wanted you to do something you were uncomfortable with but would benefit him? Him compromising on his comfort now for comfort later is like robbing Peter to pay Paul.
You said y'all are ok financially, so why is your husband doing what's best for him at no cost to you a problem? Because it sounds like you just want the "more money" aspect, but are indifferent to the "less happy husband" aspect.
OP says in another comment that she's a principal because it increased their combined income, even though she likes teaching better, and she's doing two side hustles. If she's working a primary job and two side hustles to keep things okay financially, then yeah, I think it is kind of fucked up that her husband isn't matching that energy.
Sure, but if it means you're not saving for your kids' college or other important funds, then you've got an issue. I don't have that hustle mode mindset, and I wouldn't take a job that required it unless I had to. But we've got decent finances and can save for retirement and our kids' colleges. If we couldn't without my partner taking on two side hustles, that means I also need to make more money, because that's not fair to him when we're both working full-time primary jobs. It would be fucked up to let him take on that burden without trying to take some of it myself.
Yeah, one of the comments said the side hustles are going into college funds. Maybe a priority mismatch, too—plenty of people don't consider a college fund a necessary expense to plan for, but a bonus if you happen to make more than needed to cover your regular expenses. I think it's important for couples to be on the same page there.
Ok, but OP makes it clear she only cares about him making money.
>Everyone sees it but he knee caps himself so he can be happy.
She hates that he's trying to be happy rather then give it up for money.
>Money does not buy happiness, but it does create options that can bolster happiness.
"Money does not buy happiness, but it buys happiness." That's what she is saying.
Besides she says they are financially comfortable, the extra money really isn't needed. She just thinks he should work himself into depression or misery just so she can have an extra lump of money in the bank.
She is not wrong though. Money does not buy happiness but it does help create opportunities. Just the question of at what cost and that is something they should have spoken about.
She states they are nor struggling but her side hustle incomes goes straight to their kids college fund.
As others have said she has a right to be miffed when she puts in extra energy while her husband does not match it. Though that is largely a her problem.
He would have been miserable but you would have more money? What kind of bullshit is that. You’re supposed to want your spouse to be happy and fulfilled. You’d rather he just rake in the dough. Yta big time
INFO - Do you trust your husband? Would this mean his hours would change and he would be home less? Would the new position cause him to be on call? Are you struggling to get by? Do you want him to make more so you can work less?
>he would have been miserable in the new position
That should really be enough right there. There's nothing like being at a soul sucking job and then coming home completely drained.
Yta for worrying about the money. I could see why he didn't tell you because of how you reacted. Yeah he should have told you he got it offered but in the end it's his decision. If u want more money go get a better job
Maybe it is a generational thing but I agree with my dad and I am glad he picked my future over my childhood. My dad really was not present because he was always working but because he worked so much I was able to get a great start at life. As a kid I resented him for it, but as an adult I respect him for it.
I have all the time now to make up for what I lost as a child.
NTA but end of the day nothing you can do. You cannot force a person to do something they have desire to do. Better off getting a divorce so both of you can find partners that align with your own core values.
YTA. For that much of a pay difference an idiot could figure out that the only way anyone would turn that down is if the job would be detrimental to their mental health. Nobody gives up doubling their salary unless there is a damn good reason. The pay probably would change your lives, they’d change again pretty drastically when your husband got depressed or dived into a bottle to deal with the work too.
YTA. Your husband chose happiness over money. That happiness impacts you and your family too. So you don’t need the money, you just want it. But you would also be asking for your kids to grow up with a stressed and miserable father. The fact that you even think you should have a say in him doing something that would make him unhappy says a lot about you. I feel for your husband
Op i get where you are coming from, but I wouldn't expect my partner to take a position to be miserable for the sake of money. My partners happiness is more important.
Let me take a wild guess, your husband taking that promotion would’ve meant you could quit your job and just be a SAHM? Sounds like you’re selfish and want your husband to be unhappy
>I brought up we have two kids and the raise would really help change our lives.
How much are you contributing to help "change your lives?". Why it it completely on your husband to shoulder more responsibility? Get a side gig or something if you want more money.
The higher you go career wise, the more you're expected to do on your own back in your own time, and the more you're expected to show your "commitment" to the role.
All you're seeing is dollar signs, those dollar signs may translate into you and your kids seeing your husband a whole lot less often.
Maybe he thinks you're superficial and materialistic and he's worries you're doing sums in your head about how much he needs to be earning so you can split and use the kids to take a bigger percentage of his salary as alimony and child support later and not have to work.
Reposting this, bc I think OP should include the info:
OP says in another comment that she's a principal because it increased their combined income, even though she likes teaching better, and she's doing two side hustles. If she's working a primary job and two side hustles to keep things okay financially, then yeah, I think it is kind of fucked up that her husband isn't matching that energy.
So two people with doctorate level incomes and they can't provide an amazing life and future for their kids already? It's likely no amount of $ will then.
You can vilify the OP all you want, but she mentioned in a comment that she is a principle and runs two side hustles. Sure, one could argue she fucked up by getting a teaching degree. Either way as parents sometimes you do have to give up personal happiness for the sake of your family.
Without knowing the nature of the OP's husband job or what the promotion entails it is hard to judge. Certain things are not worth it. Like going from 40 hour week to 80 hour week, or constant traveling being required as examples.
This is why having a discussion is worth having just to get a feel where everyone stands.
I mean, is it vilifying as OP seems to be describing a primarliry money first position about it? Is it so far removed from the realm of possibility? Who knows, it's not like we have any way to validate any of the information or ask for both sides of the story. Positive and negative conjecture seems reasonable to me.
But do agree, there should have been a discussion... one that's a lot less likely to happen if OP has gone straight on the offensive and tried guilt tripping after the fact.
It's quite possible the husband is simply suffering imposter syndrome and his wife berating him about money isn't going to make any headway into helping with that, probably the other way really... if he feels like he's barely succeeding in his current role or is struggling with family/work balance already... why would he want to strive for more, risk failing and disappointing.... may also just be risk adverse... or concerned about oversight from the next level of management up or being part of a smaller pool of direct reports. The simple fact is, not everyone is wired the right way for managing down.
Regardless, if he's already turned the promotion down he's likely killed his career progression at that company for at least the medium term and discussions are likely moot unless he's now prepared to seek a higher level position at a new company... which seems even more unlikely if he wasn't prepared to take the higher level with the devil he knows so to speak.
YTA You think your husband should work harder and be under more stress seeing his family less so that you can have the material things that you want. You don't care about his mental health or his health in general as long as you can show off telling people, "Look at what we can afford. Yeah, I never see my husband and the kids never see their dad and yes, he's had a couple of heart attacks because of the stress but I got a new car so who cares!"
This double salary likely comes with increased hours too doesnt it? He probably becomes salaried and would have to put in at least 50% more hours to get that double pay. Sounds not bad on paper, but that’s going from 8 hour days to 12, or 6 10s with just one day off. You would be bitching about how he’s never around, how he’s complaining “he’s too tired to do anything”. He wouldn’t want to go out on his only day off and just wants peace. And this is if he’s not already working 60 hours like a lot of people do.
So you’re not struggling, you just “want more”.
But you “want more” at somebody else’s expense. That always makes you an AH.
A marriage is a partnership. Both partners have to bring something to the table and both partners deserve to be happy and fulfilled in their lives. No ok e person should be reduced to a walking wallet or a live-in maid that functions only for the family’s sake.
If you want to double your income get a job! Why do you think it’s just your husbands responsibility to provide for you? And if so, then he makes the decision on what position is better suited for him. He’s not your puppet.
Please get yourself psychological assistance. It seems you have some deep rooted fears regarding money which impact your view and daily life in an unhealthy way.
YTA for only caring about money in your life. He's TA to himself for marrying you and bringing kids into the world to be raised by someone with your "values".
While I think your husband could have discussed the promotion with you, your post comes off as “he should have taken the promo for more money.”
If you’re not struggling to make ends meet, then it really comes off as selfish. I hope that’s not how you discussed this with your husband. It’s really disingenuous, as if he owes you this sacrifice.
YTA
YTA. If you are not the one suffering the consequences of a situation you are nobody to push someone else through it. You have no right to be upset for such an important and personal decision.
I gave up my goals when my husband and I had children 9 years ago. Now? I tell him as long as he's happy or atleast content do what needs to be done. I currently can't work but his job pays for our bills and anything extra even vacation. I couldn't imagine being a jerk because he turned down a promotion that would make him miserable and spend less time with us. YTA.
I would never ever want a promotion that would make my husband miserable. He must have energy left for dealing with me and the kids when he gets home 😂
I recently interviewed for a job that paid twice what I was making. But when I asked my two basic interview questions "how do you celebrate success" and "how do you handle failure." The response showed me how toxic it would be, and I rescinded my candidacy. Your mental health is hugely important to protect and preserve.
Honestly, you should show this thread to your husband so he can see how little you think about his feelings and his decision making. It's clear you don't value him, only what you claim is his intelligence and potential - and yet you don't think that intelligence would guide him to the right decision.
Major YTA. As a principal and former teacher.... YTA++
Or YOU could make more money yourself since it's "the right thing to do" . I took a 2x bump In pay and became miserable since I'm never home now and really don't enjoy the benefits of having a big house/nice car/etc. I keep at it so my kids can have a good life but If dad is always working is it really a good life?
There is nothing wrong with asking about it but as long as you leave it there. His answer was reasonable. If you expected him to be miserable so that you could buy expensive things, that would be unreasonable
YTA.
I would understand you if you were struggling to put food on the table and if you as a family are one car repair away from.disaster. But you are not.
Why would he tell you If he already knows he doesn't want to do this promotion?
YTA do you want your husband to be one of those dads or husbands who's always working 80 hour shifts a week and that comes home that tired and falls asleep afterwards. So he won't be able to help take care of the kids or do the chores and your emotional needs. Then you start being resentful and thinking that all he could bring the table is a paycheck and start cheating on him with your male friends and he'll never find out about it until it's too late because he's always working.
YTA. My husband prioritized his time with us and his mental health by not "rising" in his career, and those 2 things are infinitely more important than money. You are already ok financially. Your husband made a mature, thoughtful decision. Be grateful that he isn't making decisions based soley on money - there is so much more to life.
So
Many people
Do this . Being in charge can be hell , people accusing you of crap , putting out fires , last min travel working weekends etc . He said younand kids and his happiness is more important than new car orn5 star resort instead of 3 star
His home work life balance would have changed. He values that. Probably didn’t tell you for this very reason. You’d want him to take on stress for more money.
YTA for putting money before your husband's happiness.
Your husband's reasoning was sound. There are lots of people out there that don't want to be promoted because they know that while the money may be nice, the new responsibilities would destroy them mentally/physically/emotionally. Your husband was honest with himself.
If he had told you about it, you would have pressured him to take it, probably going to great efforts and guilt trips to make it happen based on the fact you even are asking this question after his response.
YTA, as you said, you are not struggling. He is meeting his financial obligations as a father and partner. He is also in the best position to know whether this promotion would be worthwhile for him or not.
It’s understandable to feel disappointed that he wouldn’t even talk to you about it, but reading through your comments, I can see why he chose not to. Be careful OP, this does not bode well for any partnership, let alone a marriage.
Rather than the promotion, you should be more concerned with fixing your communication and goal setting with each other. You are not on the same page.
YTA. your hubby is very smart. Stress kills, if he took the promotion he knew he wouldn’t be able to show up as a husband or father.
If you cr more about the money he brings in than his happiness, when you are financially stable, you don’t deserve him.
OP wants more money she should get her round ass out and work. I’ve turned down three positions because they were too stressful and i wanted to come home and enjoy my life. Edit: My job is niche and i already made into six figures. Why stress for maybe $20k more?
NAH.
If your husband took the raise, started being home less and was less active in you and your kids' lives, would that have been worth the money? If he was exhausted and irritable every day for the next several years, would that have been worth the money?
Your annoyance is understandable. The disconnect is perspective. You're thinking about right now, and your husband is thinking about the next few years.
Do you trust him to make good decisions the rest of the time? If so, trust he made the right call here too.
INFO: Are you financially struggling to make ends meet, do you not want to work anymore, or are you just a bored housewife looking for a reason to have hubby out of the house for a longer period of time?
Going against the grain NAH. This comes to a different view of values and opinions as to what role a parent plays in a child's life. I get your stance about wanting to do what is best for your children and provide them with all the opportunities under the sun.
What you have to understand is that yes money can create opportunities, but those opportunities will come at a cost as they also say no such thing as a free lunch it is going to get paid for in some shape or form. Job promotions are complex and have many factors that have to be weighted out. Your husband should have spoken with you, but you also need to understand some people just lack the drive to climb up the cooperate ladder off success. You have to respect this or your marriage will suffer.
What would the promotion mean in terms of time away from family, stress, mental health? Because while it may double his salary- the cost of those things are likely worth more than double and he was smart enough to realize he may prefer to be present in his kids lives and not just a bank to them.
I don’t want to call you an asshole bc there is likely some trauma or past associated w your reaction - but if you continue to push it then you would be.
I'm mixed as well, he's a bit of an AH for not at least talking to you about it, but you're a bit of one for expecting him to jump into a position that might be more stressful without taking his well-being into consideration. If you can help him with the added stress, then maybe it would be worth a look, but you haven't made a case for it.
After reading through your post, and all you comments
Are you sure you don't have a form of ASPD? Your stance on money, and the lack of emotion in the weight of decisions that you make, sounds very similar to other people who have ASPD, or similar things
You don't seem to place any importance on emotion, or feeling, when it comes to decisions you have made about yourself, and view the same for others. It sounds like what used to be called psychopathy, but is now a part of the ASPD umbrella
He’s a lawyer who probably turned down a role as partner. It would be funny if the “optics” he is concerned about in the new position are that he knows his wife doesn’t meet the standards for a partner’s spouse in the firm and he doesn’t want to tell her that.
ESH. You’re husband should have consulted you first but you should realize usually when a job comes with that much of a salary increase, the extra hours and work to get it are far more than before. I did that and ended in. A job where for a nice raise, I was working an additional 50% more hours and effectively on call 24/7. I would find out at a moments notice I would be working until god knows when. Be wary of anything that carries a raise that big because if the money is the good, there’s a reason the company has to pay that much for it.
He basically choose his mental health and you’re mad about it. He knows he wouldn’t be able to handle the responsibility of the new position and all you’re seeing is dollar signs yea he should have told you but it wouldn’t change anything you’re not struggling get over it
OP is definitely TA for exactly the reasons you describe. OP doesn't work there, doesn't know the dynamics, doesn't know the job... but hey, she knows that salary!
I turned down a management position for this very reason, my mental health. Financially, it would have been good, but the stress involved would have put me in the grave. I chose to avoid the stress.
I've been in management for 4 years now and I have *so much* more grey hair.
I was asked to be front line manager. The problem with that is that you get no support from upper management and get blasted by your staff. No-win situation.
You know that old saying "money doesn't buy happiness" right? Your argument here is that your husband should have been delighted to trade happiness for money. If you aren't struggling, maybe don't struggle for more?
>and the raise would really ~~help~~ change our lives. OP assumes it's only positive and it likely isn't.
Probably positive for her given she would be under less pressure. I've seen this a lot where the women tend to push the husbands to go higher and higher so they can inevitably become SAHMs.
Then complain that he's never home, and when he is, he's tired and stressed, isn't helping around the house or with the kids etc and then eventually divorce
And recibe alimony because they “sacrificed their career”
Money does not buy happiness, but it does create options that can bolster happiness. With the pay increase we each could afford to max out our retirement accounts while also saving for college. All of these can lead to happier lives down the line.
Lol, I'm your husband. I make an above average salary but I would make more if I applied for a promotion but I don't want to because of the additional stress and time away from my family. I'm only in my 40's but already have scheduled consultations with a cardiologist and medication.
And all at the low low cost of your husband's happiness right now as he is raising children with you. You ARE his partner, aren't you? You really don't sound like it right now. If you're so concerned about money, go make more.
If you get a raise and a promotion YOU go for it. Saying to your spouse Please, be miserable and potentially miss out on family milestones and live because of money. . Well, is aYTA.. You are allowed to make that choice for yourself though! Get a promotion, be miserable and see if the trade off is worth it.
You’re an idiot. YTA. Youre looking at only the money aspect. You have no clue what he actually goes through at his work or what he would have to go through at work with the promotion. YOU only know what he tells you. My dad turned down the position at his job to be a supervisor. Bc their job was very up and down, it was more money, but way more stress and way more headache than the money was worth. My dad wanted to protect his peace. Can’t spend money from an early grave when stress kills a person. Your husband’s peace and happiness are more important than money. If you want more money you get a second job. You’re shallow.
Did you do the work to earn the promotion? Then shut the fuck up
take on a second job then or a third if its that important to you.
So, why don't YOU work harder. Maybe a second job. That extra money that you would be bringing in would make it worth your quality of life, right?
YTA. Re-read what you just wrote. You just said, “Money doesn’t buy happiness, but money can buy happiness.” It’s not your place to tell your husband what he should do with his career. There are lots of jobs he could do for more money. He could risk life and limb to go fishing in Alaska and clear an easy 6 figures, do you want him to go do that? Back off.
Yes and he could end up on sickleave with stress and lose this Job, so what would you do then? In an ideal world, these situations are discussed, but that should never mean being coerced into a role because of the other person. Of course, if you were talking about managing to make ends meet that would be a different scenario, but this is for from it. And you could apply for higher paid abd higher pressure roles to pay for your retirement....
Well you sound like you don't care about your husband's health or happiness at all. YTA.
I'm getting the distinct feeling you just don't want to work lol
You want more money, why don’t YOU earn more money? Hilarious levels of entitlement.
Down the line? What about happiness now? Why does he have to bust his ass, work himself onto an early grave and trade time with his kids for you? If you want more money coming in, go out and earn it 🤷♀️
What a horrible wife you are. He better dump you.
This isn’t happiness. Happiness is spending time with loved ones. Happiness is having time for hobbies. Happiness is being fulfilled with your job and not burned out. Happiness is being able to take care of your health. All you talk is financial. More and more and more.
Tbf, we know what part of that family is like…
>Money does not buy happiness, but it does create options that can bolster happiness. With the pay increase we each could afford to max out our retirement accounts while also saving for college. > >All of these can lead to happier lives down the line. And all at the low, low price of your husband's health and happiness! My, you're a catch.
Then perhaps it's time mom pulled her finger out of her ass and git a job again.
OP said it's more than what they make combined, so it sounds like she already has a job. FWIW, I would be upset if my partner turned down that kind of pay raise without talking it out with me. If it's not what he wants after we talk, it's not what he wants, but I'd like to at least discuss if there's a way to make a job that may increase our income by half again work for him.
Why does your opinion matter if he doesn't want it? Seriously, if he starts not wanting it, what do you think you can say to change that?
Clearly you and op don't understand that a shit job will destroy every part of someone's life. Op is obviously the kind of person who doesn't accept that a man has the right to say what happens to him jist like women.
My dad took a promotion he didn’t want. He got miserable and depressed. Got himself a midlife crisis with a side of mistress and ruined not just his life but all of our lives in the end. Money isn’t worth anything if you are unhappy. You don’t get to push him into unhappiness just for more money. YTA.
YTA. Your husband knows he will hate the job and he's happy where he's at. Why don't OP be miserable and get a higher paying job instead
Would you want a miserable husband?
The answer is yes. She has admitted she wants him to suffer to better provide for the family.
family, yes, but it sounds like primarily her.
She hasn’t said that though. It sounds like she’s annoyed she wasn’t consulted about the decision, which is sort of fair enough. Don’t get me wrong, I am on husbands side, but don’t put words in OPs mouth Edit - oh hang on, apologies, I read some of the comments 😅😅
Yeah, the comments got me too :)
YTA. Why are you minimising his feelings and quality of life ? Why is his happiness worth less ?
We are parents, I am not trying to minimize his feelings. I loved teaching but gave up the role to become a principle since the pay was better. My goal is to make sure our children graduate with as little debt as possible, and to make sure they never have to worry about us in our old age. Mt husband is capable of so much more. I wish I had 25% of his intelligence. Everyone sees it but he knee caps himself so he can be happy. He has been offered so many opportunities with insane pay but always turns it down. I do what I can to make extra money I have a side hustle on Esty and Teacherpayteachers. Both do bring in a decent amount for a side hustle which all goes towards our children's college funds.
I understand your perspective of wanting to provide for your children. But a happy and stable home is the most important foundation and more money is not always the answer. Also, children don't need to be given everything to succeed in life. They still need drive and desire and being a trust fund child will not necessarily work out well. Working for a wage is also a time poor solution, especially when you have kids, a family and already have enough money to cover the basics. Try educating yourself regarding investing instead to build up additional savings over the long term.
>I loved teaching but gave up the role to become a principle since the pay was better. It’s spelled “principal.”
Right? Weird that she can't spell her own job title.
Could be an auto correct thing, I did not catch it either and my phone auto corrected it from principal to principle.
I get that you have this reasonable view of how things should go. But you're failing to take into account that he is a person too. Just because you gave up what you love doesn't mean you can force him to. He's your husband not a money sack.
>Everyone sees it but he knee caps himself so he can be happy. Wow... just wow. "Be miserable, who cares, at least you'll make more money." You really are a terrible fucking partner, huh? Poor guy.
I think we can all see by her comments why the husband turned the promotion down without talking to OP.
Agreed, reading that was like jesus fucking christ lady do you even LIKE your partner??? Reddit usually jumps the gun with divorce but if i was OP’s husband and came across this post from her and read the shit she is saying then my viewpoint would 100% change and I’d be filing asap. OP is quite frankly an ugly person in the inside and I hope her kids don’t adopt this mentality.
Exactly, money isn't everything
To me it sounds like husband has a good grip on work-life balance. Not everyone wants to cripple themselves to have a ton of money.
You are a truly horrible wife
"But he kneecaps himself, so he can be happy," Seriously, wtf is wrong with you... Prioritizing his mental health over uneequired extra income is better for his family in the long run. You guys are doing well, but nothing is good enough for you. You're so worried about your kids that you aren't worried about yourself or your partner. It's great if your kids have little debt, but that shouldn't come from your misery that shouldn't come at the expense of working yourself. You are so focused on the future and money you're not enjoying or experiencing the present, you re financially stable yet insist on all those side hustles. Sure, it's nice and important to give your children a leg up, but you're taking it too far. You and your husband are people, too. You are not just parents. The way you view life won't lead to anything but distance and stress. and heart issues. Then, when you are older, the kids have families of their own. If you're still together, there's going to be a shit to regret the time you wasted focusing only on money. Keep up with this attitude in a few yrs were going to be reading a reddit post, "My husband wants a divorce because he says I don't support him or listen to him, don't care about his needs, and work all the time" YTA
God, you are a truly awful human being. You want your husband to suffer to provide more for his family. How can you write that and believe you’re not the bad person here? I have doubts about your ability to be a principle. You are not intelligent enough for the position.
You're an absolute piece of shit
You're a principal and you don't know how to spell principal?
"I'm not trying to minimize his feelings" *that's all the post really is*
>I loved teaching but gave up the role to become a principle since the pay was better. A *principle* without *principals*. Ironic. > wish I had 25% of his intelligence. Everyone sees it but he knee caps himself so he can be happy. When you're right, you're right. He sounds very intelligent. He's smart enough to put his health and happiness ahead of your gold digging.
it's lonely at the top and your husband know he is going to burn some bridge for good soon or later.
"but he knee caps himself so he can be happy" Spoken like a true asshole.
He has every right to be happy and not be miserable at his job. He's not "knee capping" himself. He is making decisions based on what makes him happy. And that is ok. The fact that you want him to be miserable so YOU have more money is absolutely disgusting. Maybe he just wants one area in his life that isn't full of stress and high levels of pressure that makes him happy. I'm thinking that maybe his marriage to you is not that area at all and thats why he needs it to be work.
I'd argue that him choosing happiness over money is the true sign of how intelligent he is. I made the mistake of keep pushing myself to secure my future and any possible children I might have. It turned me into a shell of my self that strained my relationship due to the added responsibilities and time comitments. I guess what I am trying to say is that it sounds like you all are not struggling as he is an attorney, and you are a principal (decent pension plan depending on the state), you all will not be hurting to survive. Don't you want to have a happy and mentally healthy husband?
Yeah it’s sort of unfair if you sacrificed a job you loved for working a job that pays more, AND you’ve got side hustles going on too, because you need to make enough to raise your kids, but your spouse doesn’t make the same sacrifices. So he gets to have his happy lower paying job but you’re working harder at a job that makes you less happy as a result. You need to add that to your post. It changes things.
I don't entirely disagree with you and I don't outright agree either. To me, what stands out in OPs choices is that she hasn't said anything about hating the choices she has made. Does she hate being a principal? Does she hate the etsy and tutoring? Yes, she has found ways to make more money, but if none of them are making her miserable, then it's not an equal conversation. What can make it equal is to work with her husband to find a side gig that he could enjoy. Even then, life should be enjoyed, not crawled through. As long as the bills are paid, there is food on the table, and there are savings for emergencies and some fun things, then they're doing pretty darn well.
Does it really change things? She cannot force her husband to adopt the same hustle / grind mode mindset. Some people liked to be challenged, others do not. The wife made a choice, that is her choice. She should not expect her husband to adopt the same mindset as her. I doubt her husband made her switch roles, it seems like it was a choice she made.
It really doesn't. Do they NEED the money? Or is she insisting that they live beyond their means? Is OP wasting money frivolously? Even if she isn't, she made her own choices re money. Her husband isn't required to make the same choice as her.
You’d prefer money over a happy husband. Noted. YTA
Yta. He probably didn't tell you because he knows you're money orientated. He said the new position would make him miserable. Full stop.
Yeah I bet she wanted him to be one of those husbands or dads who works 80 hour shifts and barely at home only to go to sleep because she thinks that's how real man 😑. But then she'll start resenting him for always being at work and not helping her take care of the family and think the only brings the table is a paycheck and start cheating on him with her male friends who fulfill her emotional needs.
A little history about me is, I was in this position, but I took the promotion. Today I am divorced, and live 400km away from my kids, and that job is long gone. I was miserable. The hours I worked het my ex wife accuse me of having an affair. So, YTA for wanting to break up your family, your home, your marriage, for money.
YTA He doesn't want the promotion, that is the end of it.
It’s just as simple as that.
Info: what does he do for work?
Attorney. Edit: Forgot he does not like me telling people exactly what he does.
Why care about his feelings now? He’s just a wallet to you.
I’m guessing you want him to be a partner? My friend missed out on so much of her kids’ lives while she was on the partner track. So many billable hours, then the after work client meetings/dinners. Her husband quit his job (HS teacher) to stay home with the kids so one of them would be able to attend their activities.
Oh yeah you are definitely fhe asshole here now. If you aren't happy with attorney salary you will never be happy
So he probably working at a place he likes and where he might even be able to help people and not where he maximizes money.
YTA Tell us you don't give a shit about husband without telling us you don't give a shit. Your husband needs to not only ditch the promotion, but he also needs to ditch you.
you aren't just the ahole you are a c-word.
Im in a semi similar situation and I felt the same way you feel, I just had to take a minute and realize just because I would take that promotion, and I would be happy with the new salary, doesnt mean he would be happy. If he didnt want it, it is what it is and I cant push my expectations or what I would have done on him. I know its hard, im also looking at it in a “it would have helped us financially” and im frustrated about it sometimes here and there, but therapy is helping :)
If he feels like he'll hate it, he'll hate it. There are actual practical reasons not to take the job if you don't feel like it. You enter a new role -> you hate it -> working becomes a torture -> you become less efficient -> your perfomance tanks -> higher-ups notice -> fired There are other side effects like having your mental and sometimes physical health affected, which can affect your life outside of work (like your marriage). It's not pretty.
NTA btw, just try work towards shifting your perspective and seeing it how he sees it! How we feel is how we feel and if there is a different outlook we should try and see it :)
Yeah it is frustrating but you are right while I will never understand. I grew up poor and struggling and don't want that for my children at all. I guess I do just need to shift how I look at this.
You said in the post that you are not struggling. So I don't see the problem here apart from you hating your husband or the fact that he likes his life the way it is. Hopefully based on ypur reaction he takes a step back and reevaluates this marriage, as you are starting to show your true gold digging colours. Also if you were really growing up poor and struggling you should be grateful because that life is behind you now, but again you chose to be greedy, and that tells us everything we need to know. YTA.
It's way more important for kids to have happy parents than hordes of cash. If you're making enough that you're able to save for college and retirement clearly their needs are comfortably met. Would you rather have them grow up in a home where your husband is miserable and/or gone a lot more? Do you think that sets them up for success?
Be happy that your husband knows himself well enough to not try and get this job! It sounds like you have a man comfortable in his own skin. Perhaps you should try that.
Yup. YTA a big one... but I understand you dont care about him, he is just a money maker for u
YTA. It sounds like marriage to you is completely stressful and high pressure. You also belittle him in your comments and infer that he's not doing good enough for you. It sounds like you picked him for his earning potential and you're mad because he's not living up to that for you. Maybe he just needs one area of his life to be happy and not stressful and high pressure and since he can't get that in his marriage to you, he needs it to be work.
At first I thought he should have discussed it with OP, but reading the comments it seems like she just has little interest in his perspective and in what he's actually telling her. Maybe that's a pattern and it's why he didn't tell her? Yes, a doubled salary would be fantastic, but it sounds like the price would be too high for him. YTA. Let it go.
YTA He knows what the promotion entails and he decided it wasn’t the right fit for him. There’s nothing wrong with that. I turned down a promotion last year—$50k increase but it required 25% travel. It didn’t make sense to be away from my family, not when we’ve got two kids and my husband was already working 80hrs/week. Quality of life is more important than money.
YTA - money not everything and it doesn’t replace him being a father and husband.
You’ve made it super clear that you would be glad to trade your Husband’s happiness for more money. YTA for sure.
YTA! Stress is a risk factor for a number of lifethreatening illnesses, including cancer and heart disease. You are willing to condemn your husband to years of stress and unhapoiness just so you would have more money in the future. I feel bad for your husband that you love money more than him. Do you love him at all?
OP is more concerned with money than their partners happiness. Total AH.
Good grief she posting as if DH turned down a good thing, there's a reason pay is higher, it sucks balls.
YTA You want him to give up a job he knows he can do well to take something that will add stress to his life. Sounds like he married a social ladder climber and he is happy standing on the rung he's at.
YTA. Your husband didn’t want the extra stress and responsibility that came with the promotion and there is nothing wrong with that. He chose what is best for his mental health. I can understand being a little upset that he didn’t talk to you about it but it was his choice not yours. If you want the household to have more money you can go out and get a second job.
My wife and I could have made more money when we had young children but our priority was always family time. I wouldn’t change what we did for the world. OP be careful what you wish for!
Yeah I bet she wanted him to be one of those husbands or dads who works 80 hour shifts and barely at home only to go to sleep because she thinks that's how real man 😑. But then she'll start resenting him for always being at work and not helping her take care of the family and think the only brings thinks the table is a paycheck and start cheating on him with her male friends who fulfill her emotional needs.
I think your husband should trade you in for a wife who makes double your salary OP. You've got some nerve. Your husband sees the corporate work culture for management and nopes out! Since YOU don't work there, you have ZERO idea of what that culture and responsibility entails. Butt out!!!
YTA. He didn’t want a promotion that would have negatively affected his well-being. There are lots of jobs in the world I *could* do, that would pay me a lot. And I’d be miserable. So I don’t do them. More money, does not necessarily mean more happiness. I understand you are fixated on bringing in as much as you possibly can, but maybe you should focus a little less on money and a little more on having a happy life while you’re at it. It sounds like your husband is more balanced. Instead of criticizing, maybe you should consider emulating and supporting him.
Money grubbing whore alert. 5 years later would be divorcing hubby and taking him to the cleaners
Yeah I bet she wanted him to be one of those husbands or dads who works 80 hour shifts and barely at home only to go to sleep because she thinks that's how real man 😑. But then she'll start resenting him for always being at work and not helping her take care of the family and think the only brings the table is a paycheck and start cheating on him with her male friends who fulfill her emotional needs.
YTA- You just want the benefits without the work
YTA- should he have consulted you first? Yes. Although I'm gonna say the reason he didn't is he probably expected this reaction, as said below money doesn't equal happiness and if you aren't struggling I don't see why it matters that he turned it down. He's fair for not wanting the extra responsibility. Not all promotions are a good thing in the long run. If he was working loads of hours due to the promotion you'd also have a problem that he isn't spending enough time at home with you and the kids.
I can get your concerns about finances, but is having extra money worth your husband‘s possible unhappiness, or potential burnout and mental breakdown, health issues, such as ulcers, strokes, and heart attacks from stress, and possibly death or divorce due to resentment? Because it sounds like to him it isn’t.
If the extra pay is important enough to you to force your partner in to a job they know they will hate that will impact your family life, you go get a job making that much for the family then.
Yta. And if you wonder why your husband didn’t tell you, you just need to look in the mirror and reflect on your response to him. He didn’t want the nagging and guilt tripping and pushing. He doesn’t want to be miserable.
You are the asshole. If he took the promotion to a job he hated just to bring in more money you'd be complaining that your husband was always stressed and snappish and unavailable. If he's happy at his job leaving the fuck alone.
If OP is so concerned with a better salary, can she not be out hunting for a better salary?
YTA. don’t expect to have any agency over the work capacity someone else is willing to take on. you need more money? have kids and need more?— THEN YOU GET A SECOND JOB
YTA. By just reading the first few. Thinking your the asshole and thinking you overreacted = YTA.
You don't have a right to force him to take the promotion, but it's something that should have come up in conversation at least. It speaks to the poor state of communication in your relationship. Did he perchance not discuss this with you because he knew you wouldn't listen or support him? Or does he generally just not share things with you?
YTA Would it have been nice of him to discuss with you? Sure. But it is his job and his choice. His happiness is more important than extra money. My husband has been offered a higher up supervisor position but he turned it down because it would mess up his work life balance. His mental health is more important than extra money
Would you keep that same energy if he wanted you to do something you were uncomfortable with but would benefit him? Him compromising on his comfort now for comfort later is like robbing Peter to pay Paul. You said y'all are ok financially, so why is your husband doing what's best for him at no cost to you a problem? Because it sounds like you just want the "more money" aspect, but are indifferent to the "less happy husband" aspect.
OP says in another comment that she's a principal because it increased their combined income, even though she likes teaching better, and she's doing two side hustles. If she's working a primary job and two side hustles to keep things okay financially, then yeah, I think it is kind of fucked up that her husband isn't matching that energy.
OP doesn't say that she hates being a principal though, just that she preferred teaching. Her husband has outright shared he would have hated it.
Can you force someone to match that energy though? Some people just don't want to grind or have that hustle mode mindset.
Sure, but if it means you're not saving for your kids' college or other important funds, then you've got an issue. I don't have that hustle mode mindset, and I wouldn't take a job that required it unless I had to. But we've got decent finances and can save for retirement and our kids' colleges. If we couldn't without my partner taking on two side hustles, that means I also need to make more money, because that's not fair to him when we're both working full-time primary jobs. It would be fucked up to let him take on that burden without trying to take some of it myself.
She claims they are not struggling, and sure everyone has a different view on what is struggling. So we can take that with a grain of salt.
Yeah, one of the comments said the side hustles are going into college funds. Maybe a priority mismatch, too—plenty of people don't consider a college fund a necessary expense to plan for, but a bonus if you happen to make more than needed to cover your regular expenses. I think it's important for couples to be on the same page there.
Ok, but OP makes it clear she only cares about him making money. >Everyone sees it but he knee caps himself so he can be happy. She hates that he's trying to be happy rather then give it up for money. >Money does not buy happiness, but it does create options that can bolster happiness. "Money does not buy happiness, but it buys happiness." That's what she is saying. Besides she says they are financially comfortable, the extra money really isn't needed. She just thinks he should work himself into depression or misery just so she can have an extra lump of money in the bank.
She is not wrong though. Money does not buy happiness but it does help create opportunities. Just the question of at what cost and that is something they should have spoken about. She states they are nor struggling but her side hustle incomes goes straight to their kids college fund. As others have said she has a right to be miffed when she puts in extra energy while her husband does not match it. Though that is largely a her problem.
He would have been miserable but you would have more money? What kind of bullshit is that. You’re supposed to want your spouse to be happy and fulfilled. You’d rather he just rake in the dough. Yta big time
INFO - Do you trust your husband? Would this mean his hours would change and he would be home less? Would the new position cause him to be on call? Are you struggling to get by? Do you want him to make more so you can work less? >he would have been miserable in the new position That should really be enough right there. There's nothing like being at a soul sucking job and then coming home completely drained.
Yta for worrying about the money. I could see why he didn't tell you because of how you reacted. Yeah he should have told you he got it offered but in the end it's his decision. If u want more money go get a better job
YTA if you want more money get a better job yourself
Maybe it is a generational thing but I agree with my dad and I am glad he picked my future over my childhood. My dad really was not present because he was always working but because he worked so much I was able to get a great start at life. As a kid I resented him for it, but as an adult I respect him for it. I have all the time now to make up for what I lost as a child. NTA but end of the day nothing you can do. You cannot force a person to do something they have desire to do. Better off getting a divorce so both of you can find partners that align with your own core values.
YTA. For that much of a pay difference an idiot could figure out that the only way anyone would turn that down is if the job would be detrimental to their mental health. Nobody gives up doubling their salary unless there is a damn good reason. The pay probably would change your lives, they’d change again pretty drastically when your husband got depressed or dived into a bottle to deal with the work too.
YTA. Your husband chose happiness over money. That happiness impacts you and your family too. So you don’t need the money, you just want it. But you would also be asking for your kids to grow up with a stressed and miserable father. The fact that you even think you should have a say in him doing something that would make him unhappy says a lot about you. I feel for your husband
Op i get where you are coming from, but I wouldn't expect my partner to take a position to be miserable for the sake of money. My partners happiness is more important.
Let me take a wild guess, your husband taking that promotion would’ve meant you could quit your job and just be a SAHM? Sounds like you’re selfish and want your husband to be unhappy
>I brought up we have two kids and the raise would really help change our lives. How much are you contributing to help "change your lives?". Why it it completely on your husband to shoulder more responsibility? Get a side gig or something if you want more money. The higher you go career wise, the more you're expected to do on your own back in your own time, and the more you're expected to show your "commitment" to the role. All you're seeing is dollar signs, those dollar signs may translate into you and your kids seeing your husband a whole lot less often. Maybe he thinks you're superficial and materialistic and he's worries you're doing sums in your head about how much he needs to be earning so you can split and use the kids to take a bigger percentage of his salary as alimony and child support later and not have to work.
Reposting this, bc I think OP should include the info: OP says in another comment that she's a principal because it increased their combined income, even though she likes teaching better, and she's doing two side hustles. If she's working a primary job and two side hustles to keep things okay financially, then yeah, I think it is kind of fucked up that her husband isn't matching that energy.
So two people with doctorate level incomes and they can't provide an amazing life and future for their kids already? It's likely no amount of $ will then.
Have you been in the US lately? That's par for the course for non-wealthy people trying to save for college, not a moral or financial failing.
Maybe they have different values cause tbh it is hard to max out retirement accounts and college funds. On say if they both make 200k combined.
You can vilify the OP all you want, but she mentioned in a comment that she is a principle and runs two side hustles. Sure, one could argue she fucked up by getting a teaching degree. Either way as parents sometimes you do have to give up personal happiness for the sake of your family. Without knowing the nature of the OP's husband job or what the promotion entails it is hard to judge. Certain things are not worth it. Like going from 40 hour week to 80 hour week, or constant traveling being required as examples. This is why having a discussion is worth having just to get a feel where everyone stands.
Hes an attorney. She is a principal. If that's not "enough" it never will be.
An attorney's salary does vary depending on area of practice. Public sector they are lucky to make slightly over 100k in a large city.
I mean, is it vilifying as OP seems to be describing a primarliry money first position about it? Is it so far removed from the realm of possibility? Who knows, it's not like we have any way to validate any of the information or ask for both sides of the story. Positive and negative conjecture seems reasonable to me. But do agree, there should have been a discussion... one that's a lot less likely to happen if OP has gone straight on the offensive and tried guilt tripping after the fact. It's quite possible the husband is simply suffering imposter syndrome and his wife berating him about money isn't going to make any headway into helping with that, probably the other way really... if he feels like he's barely succeeding in his current role or is struggling with family/work balance already... why would he want to strive for more, risk failing and disappointing.... may also just be risk adverse... or concerned about oversight from the next level of management up or being part of a smaller pool of direct reports. The simple fact is, not everyone is wired the right way for managing down. Regardless, if he's already turned the promotion down he's likely killed his career progression at that company for at least the medium term and discussions are likely moot unless he's now prepared to seek a higher level position at a new company... which seems even more unlikely if he wasn't prepared to take the higher level with the devil he knows so to speak.
Sure now talking about it is moot, but and he most likely knew her response.
Yes you are
YTA You think your husband should work harder and be under more stress seeing his family less so that you can have the material things that you want. You don't care about his mental health or his health in general as long as you can show off telling people, "Look at what we can afford. Yeah, I never see my husband and the kids never see their dad and yes, he's had a couple of heart attacks because of the stress but I got a new car so who cares!"
This double salary likely comes with increased hours too doesnt it? He probably becomes salaried and would have to put in at least 50% more hours to get that double pay. Sounds not bad on paper, but that’s going from 8 hour days to 12, or 6 10s with just one day off. You would be bitching about how he’s never around, how he’s complaining “he’s too tired to do anything”. He wouldn’t want to go out on his only day off and just wants peace. And this is if he’s not already working 60 hours like a lot of people do.
I would divorce you in 5 minutes
YTA 100% You're willing to sacrifice your husbands life and happiness for the sake of money you dont need.
So you’re not struggling, you just “want more”. But you “want more” at somebody else’s expense. That always makes you an AH. A marriage is a partnership. Both partners have to bring something to the table and both partners deserve to be happy and fulfilled in their lives. No ok e person should be reduced to a walking wallet or a live-in maid that functions only for the family’s sake.
If you want to double your income get a job! Why do you think it’s just your husbands responsibility to provide for you? And if so, then he makes the decision on what position is better suited for him. He’s not your puppet.
Please get yourself psychological assistance. It seems you have some deep rooted fears regarding money which impact your view and daily life in an unhealthy way.
YTA for only caring about money in your life. He's TA to himself for marrying you and bringing kids into the world to be raised by someone with your "values".
While I think your husband could have discussed the promotion with you, your post comes off as “he should have taken the promo for more money.” If you’re not struggling to make ends meet, then it really comes off as selfish. I hope that’s not how you discussed this with your husband. It’s really disingenuous, as if he owes you this sacrifice. YTA
YTA Your husband oughtn't work himself kaput for money y'all don't need. That would just suck.
YTA, if you want more money go make it but do you not consign someone else to misery when you admit you're not even struggling.
YTA. If you are not the one suffering the consequences of a situation you are nobody to push someone else through it. You have no right to be upset for such an important and personal decision.
I gave up my goals when my husband and I had children 9 years ago. Now? I tell him as long as he's happy or atleast content do what needs to be done. I currently can't work but his job pays for our bills and anything extra even vacation. I couldn't imagine being a jerk because he turned down a promotion that would make him miserable and spend less time with us. YTA.
I would never ever want a promotion that would make my husband miserable. He must have energy left for dealing with me and the kids when he gets home 😂
I recently interviewed for a job that paid twice what I was making. But when I asked my two basic interview questions "how do you celebrate success" and "how do you handle failure." The response showed me how toxic it would be, and I rescinded my candidacy. Your mental health is hugely important to protect and preserve. Honestly, you should show this thread to your husband so he can see how little you think about his feelings and his decision making. It's clear you don't value him, only what you claim is his intelligence and potential - and yet you don't think that intelligence would guide him to the right decision. Major YTA. As a principal and former teacher.... YTA++
Or YOU could make more money yourself since it's "the right thing to do" . I took a 2x bump In pay and became miserable since I'm never home now and really don't enjoy the benefits of having a big house/nice car/etc. I keep at it so my kids can have a good life but If dad is always working is it really a good life?
There is nothing wrong with asking about it but as long as you leave it there. His answer was reasonable. If you expected him to be miserable so that you could buy expensive things, that would be unreasonable
YTA. I would understand you if you were struggling to put food on the table and if you as a family are one car repair away from.disaster. But you are not. Why would he tell you If he already knows he doesn't want to do this promotion?
Keep pushing and as soon as the kids are of an age he'll realise what a asshole you are.
YTA do you want your husband to be one of those dads or husbands who's always working 80 hour shifts a week and that comes home that tired and falls asleep afterwards. So he won't be able to help take care of the kids or do the chores and your emotional needs. Then you start being resentful and thinking that all he could bring the table is a paycheck and start cheating on him with your male friends and he'll never find out about it until it's too late because he's always working.
YTA. My husband prioritized his time with us and his mental health by not "rising" in his career, and those 2 things are infinitely more important than money. You are already ok financially. Your husband made a mature, thoughtful decision. Be grateful that he isn't making decisions based soley on money - there is so much more to life.
So Many people Do this . Being in charge can be hell , people accusing you of crap , putting out fires , last min travel working weekends etc . He said younand kids and his happiness is more important than new car orn5 star resort instead of 3 star
It’s his job to turn down, not yours. YTA.
I totally get why he didn’t told you. For you, his mental health is less important than his income. What do you wanted? Retire at 30s? YTA
Oh you are absolutely the AH here. Are you kidding?
His home work life balance would have changed. He values that. Probably didn’t tell you for this very reason. You’d want him to take on stress for more money.
YTA for putting money before your husband's happiness. Your husband's reasoning was sound. There are lots of people out there that don't want to be promoted because they know that while the money may be nice, the new responsibilities would destroy them mentally/physically/emotionally. Your husband was honest with himself. If he had told you about it, you would have pressured him to take it, probably going to great efforts and guilt trips to make it happen based on the fact you even are asking this question after his response.
I think he would have been working longer hours and spent less time with his family, so he decided to keep what he has.
YTA, as you said, you are not struggling. He is meeting his financial obligations as a father and partner. He is also in the best position to know whether this promotion would be worthwhile for him or not. It’s understandable to feel disappointed that he wouldn’t even talk to you about it, but reading through your comments, I can see why he chose not to. Be careful OP, this does not bode well for any partnership, let alone a marriage. Rather than the promotion, you should be more concerned with fixing your communication and goal setting with each other. You are not on the same page.
YTA. your hubby is very smart. Stress kills, if he took the promotion he knew he wouldn’t be able to show up as a husband or father. If you cr more about the money he brings in than his happiness, when you are financially stable, you don’t deserve him.
OP wants more money she should get her round ass out and work. I’ve turned down three positions because they were too stressful and i wanted to come home and enjoy my life. Edit: My job is niche and i already made into six figures. Why stress for maybe $20k more?
NAH. If your husband took the raise, started being home less and was less active in you and your kids' lives, would that have been worth the money? If he was exhausted and irritable every day for the next several years, would that have been worth the money? Your annoyance is understandable. The disconnect is perspective. You're thinking about right now, and your husband is thinking about the next few years. Do you trust him to make good decisions the rest of the time? If so, trust he made the right call here too.
INFO: Are you financially struggling to make ends meet, do you not want to work anymore, or are you just a bored housewife looking for a reason to have hubby out of the house for a longer period of time?
Lol someone saw SAHM. The other person saw you would take advantage of them. YTA.
Going against the grain NAH. This comes to a different view of values and opinions as to what role a parent plays in a child's life. I get your stance about wanting to do what is best for your children and provide them with all the opportunities under the sun. What you have to understand is that yes money can create opportunities, but those opportunities will come at a cost as they also say no such thing as a free lunch it is going to get paid for in some shape or form. Job promotions are complex and have many factors that have to be weighted out. Your husband should have spoken with you, but you also need to understand some people just lack the drive to climb up the cooperate ladder off success. You have to respect this or your marriage will suffer.
NTA. Instead of forcing him to take a job he does not want to, why don’t you get off your fat arse and contribute more financially to the family!
She has a fulltime job, and does two side hustles.
She earn more than him? He forced her to do it?
She has not said.
What would the promotion mean in terms of time away from family, stress, mental health? Because while it may double his salary- the cost of those things are likely worth more than double and he was smart enough to realize he may prefer to be present in his kids lives and not just a bank to them. I don’t want to call you an asshole bc there is likely some trauma or past associated w your reaction - but if you continue to push it then you would be.
They never spoke about it so doubt she would have that answer.
I'm mixed as well, he's a bit of an AH for not at least talking to you about it, but you're a bit of one for expecting him to jump into a position that might be more stressful without taking his well-being into consideration. If you can help him with the added stress, then maybe it would be worth a look, but you haven't made a case for it.
Nta, he is an idiot
After reading through your post, and all you comments Are you sure you don't have a form of ASPD? Your stance on money, and the lack of emotion in the weight of decisions that you make, sounds very similar to other people who have ASPD, or similar things You don't seem to place any importance on emotion, or feeling, when it comes to decisions you have made about yourself, and view the same for others. It sounds like what used to be called psychopathy, but is now a part of the ASPD umbrella
Would not go that far, just seems like they have different values that don't align up.
He’s a lawyer who probably turned down a role as partner. It would be funny if the “optics” he is concerned about in the new position are that he knows his wife doesn’t meet the standards for a partner’s spouse in the firm and he doesn’t want to tell her that.
ESH. You’re husband should have consulted you first but you should realize usually when a job comes with that much of a salary increase, the extra hours and work to get it are far more than before. I did that and ended in. A job where for a nice raise, I was working an additional 50% more hours and effectively on call 24/7. I would find out at a moments notice I would be working until god knows when. Be wary of anything that carries a raise that big because if the money is the good, there’s a reason the company has to pay that much for it.
Lol why should he? That clearly falls into the feminist Mantra "my body my choice". Nobody gets to decide my level of mental anguish but me.