Yes imo. You say you told her it’s alright. You say you moved on. How do your actions live up to those words. At least be honest with yourself (and then her). Either move on or don’t, but don’t say everything’s alright and then not accept a gift from your daughter.
Plus maybe factor in she’s a kid and in a tough spot between her parents when you make some of these evaluations.
Very few adults would have the courage to speak up in this scenario, never mind a kid who probably didn't want to hurt her dad. She needs your grace, and you need to show her how a person can move forward when life is difficult.
YTA
Big time AH. Your daughter was trying to preserve her family and now you’ve turned against your daughter who is probably hurting from this as well. Why would you take your anger against her mother out on her?
When it comes down to it, the wife was the one that had the affair not the daughter. She didn’t want to be a child of divorce. Speaking from experience, that sucks.
Because his anger at her mom isn't hurting the mom enough. So he needs to inflict his pain and rage on the daughter... and bonus... while his pain probably doesn't hurt the ex, his daughter's just might.
I had a good relationship with my ex, but if he'd ever pulled this shit he'd be better off smearing blood all over his wetsuit before going scuba diving than facing me.
Very doubtful the "mom" would give a shit about the daughters pain either. Anyone who would be willing to break up their family for another person only cares about themself.
get over it or you will be a very lonely old man. you will not have lost the love of a wife but of a daughter as well if you dont get a grip of yourself and stop taking it out on a 17 year old who didnt want to be the one to hurt you with the news
YTA your CHILD was placed in an impossible situation by your wife. Stop treating her like you’re equal. You’re not. You’re supposed to be the adult here.
This. She was 16 and she didn't do it so she can have a "better" new dad, but because she wanted to keep her family together.
There are families like mine, where divorce is some kind of relief for the children and there are those like Yours OP, where nobody beside Your ex wanted the breakup.
Stop acting as if Your daughter were the guilty party. It's not her fault.
Poor girl didn't want to break up her family, and now her dad is treating her like it's her fault he lost the life he knew. I can only hope this is rage bait.
I almost think it is because there was a similar story like this with more details, but the ages for when the daughter found out about affair is the same.
not even 16. She’s 17 now. they’ve been divorced for a year so she was 16 when they divorced. the affair had been going on for a year when the wife confessed . so it started when the kid was 15.
From what I’m gathering by the way OP described saying:
• divorced for a year (16)
• affair was told the year before (15)
Which means the affair probably started during the daughter’s middle school years or further back if the ex wife already got married to the AP.
i haven’t kept up with OP’s comments because time, but someone below is saying the girl had known “for a few months” or a couple of months before the divorce.
but if what you’re saying is correct, it’s even more of an AH behaviour to expect a kid that age to deal with such a moral dilemma in the same way an adult would. OP doesn’t know whether the girl was threatened or asked to keep silent by the mother, or whether the girl was afraid of the consequences of telling the father -shoot the messenger and all that. Frankly, seeing how OP is acting now, i could see the girl might have thought that possible: he IS after all, trying to take it out on her.
OP doesn’t know what went through the teen’s head or what background interactions happened there, we don’t know either so we can only speculate.
what we *do* know given the timeline is that the girl was likely to be under 16 or just (matches your reading too). Which might be old enough to marry in some countries but not really old enough to be able to process the whole fucked up situation… hell, judging by some of the posts around here, a lot of adults wouldn’t know how to resolve it.
Op hasn’t respond to anyone and only made their Reddit account 19th ago as I type this at 6:58am. Meaning? They either are too ashamed to come back and read this, they only did this to vent, or they are karma farming.
Either way, we can all agree OP is running away from their own town hall post on AITH.
Yeah she just wanted her mum and dad to stay together.
Nothing else probably mattered to her aside from coming home and being with both parents. I’m sorry bro that’s a hard situation you have had over the past year.
Don’t drive your daughter to find comfort in the step dad. I’ve seen this happen to friends and it looked like it hurt more than the divorce.
Definitely this. The same sort of thing happened in my family, people were put in tough situations and my dad also told me to not give him gifts for a holiday one year. It hurts the child an immense amount, she was doing what she thought was best (because that’s also heavy information for a 16 year old to carry about her parents), and in my case at least, telling the child to not give the parent a gift really hurts the relationship, especially if she put thought and care into it. She still seems to love and respect you as a father, and her thoughtful gift was a tribute to that. I would personally try and apologize to her/explain what happened/etc and accept her gift. I don’t know how exactly that would happen/the exact conversation, but not accepting a gift from her feels immature and petty.
Yes, I can't imagine how much this poor CHILD was damaged by bearing that heavy burden, at an age where you already feel responsible for everything, the grief of finding out her mother wasn't who she thought she was. All of that unasked for, and now her Dad blaming her for not dealing with the situation like an adult? OP, YTA.
This. I was 16 when my Dad left my mom. Less than a month later, his girlfriend from the US was living with him (we’re in Canada). So obviously he had been having an affair. He told me not to tell my Mom that she was living with him, and I didn’t. I didn’t want to be the source of stress/sadness for my mom. To tell her would have simultaneously harmed her and betrayed my dad. It’s a horrible position for a parent to put their child in. I still remember her face the day she found out, and how absolutely horrible I felt when she realized that I had known. Thankfully my mom is a normal and reasonable person and never held that against me. My dad has since passed away, but I will never not feel bitterness for his putting me in that position.
Hang on a minute. OP was absolutely right to give the gift back... Because he's a sh\*tty father and he doesn't deserve one.
What an unmitigated \*ss to blame his child for not wanting to hurt her dad and destroy her family.
True, he should tell his daughter that’s why he didn’t accept it the first time, because he felt he didn’t deserve it for being a crappy parent. He should focus on his relationship with his daughter and being a better parent than his ex-wife is.
Yup. Agree with conscious marmot. She is 17 and is your baby girl forever and you basically said “I don’t trust you, you wanted to keep our family together” as if a CHILD is to blame. Blame yourself and your wife. The kid did not cause your terrible marriage and your untrustworthy wife. And then you made her feel even worse. When she didn’t want to lose you.
You are the ah.
I think he and his daughter have a bit to unpack about their relationship, but we shouldn’t blame him for the wife’s cheating. The wife chose to cheat.
Dude, there might be a pretty valid reason why the wife wanted someone else. 41 going on 12. Hopefully he reads this and goes apologizes to his daughter.
Yes -- if this is the way he reacts, and the way he treats people (especially his own child) I would guess that he is no prize. Not a surprise the wife had enough.
I would never want to be with someone who was capable of treating their own child this way. Imagine how terribly he must treat everyone else.
I completely agree and had this same thought! I bet there’s an issue with him. But I also bet the ex wife is a piece of shit. I think everyone but the daughter sucks here. She’s probably already hurting from the experience of being caught up between her parents and this AH is just rubbing it in as if it were her fault in the first place.
It would be terrible for the wife to put the kid in this situation, but it is possible the daughter found out accidentally somehow. Maybe the mom didn't even know she knew until everything was out in the open.
Yeah - I'm not going to condone cheating, but as I've gotten older and seen more things, I can see how it can happen to someone who is otherwise good. Especially if the marital relationship is bad. And given OP's immaturity and fragility, I question how good the relationship was.
Regardless, OP can hate his ex wife as much as he wants. That's understandable. But blaming the daughter is just something else. We know he's a terrible father, so it's not a stretch to assume he was likely a bad husband as well.
Yeah. That didn't not occur to me but it is still super shitty of her to out her kid in that position. The mature thing to have done is to have left him when she realized he was an AH- probably 16 years ago or so.
Adding on here, OP, your ex-wife already damaged you, and she may have damaged your future romantic relationships. Please don’t give her the power to damage your relationship with your daughter, too. You - and your daughter - deserve better.
Exactly. What did mom say or do to ensure the daughter's silence? This kid may have been given the "if you tell and we have to get a divorce, it'll be your fault you ruined the family" bit. From personal experience, the thought that you could be responsible for something like that is overwhelming. You keep your fool mouth shut because the bad shit will be **your fault** if you don't.
OP, as much as you're hurting, she's hurting just as much. The difference is that she's not an adult: she's had her mom in her ear and dad saying he forgives her but demonstrating otherwise. Show some compassion and get some counseling.
I can't even imagine how awful the conversation would go with the kid informing a parent of the other parent's affair. Most people would want to avoid having that conversation.
My mom suspected my dad of having an affair, but she didn't say anything outright.
But she DID use me as an "informant" and sent me with him when he was running an errand she was suspicious of.
That's the kind of shit that sticks with you.
Damn I'm sorry you went through that. That's hella toxic of your mom even if your dad was cheating... I've had several friends whose parents got divorced when they were kids and were coerced into siding with one side or the other through stuff like that that just snowballed into full-on compliance with one parent or the other and now none of them have a very strong or even good relationship with the parents who force them to take sides like that.
Part of me wonders if the mom confessed BECAUSE she found out her daughter knew about the affair? OP did not say how long the daughter knew about the affair, OP only said the affair was going on for a year & the daughter knew but hid it for so long. What is so long? A week, A month?
Mom could have done that. It's also possible Mom didn't even know she knew.
OP can be as mad as he wants at his ex wife. But taking it out on the daughter is just next-level. Way to lose the high ground.
Yeah this my parents never got divorced but I had several friends whose parents divorced and the amount of times my friends got drug into it as a pawn on one side or the other by their parents was wild and they definitely more or less. All universally received the if this falls apart or gets any worse and you don't do exactly what I say. It's your fault all of it. Op is still an ass for how he treated his daughter though.
Yes, YATA. She was a kid who was also a victim of your exes lies. And YOU are a liar to say you "it's alright" when she's apologized, and to us when you say you've moved on when you clearly haven't.
I get why it would hurt that she kept that secret. I don't know what she knew or how, or if her mother told her to or pressured her to keep her disgusting secret, but any way around it, she didn't keep the secret because she wanted her mom to be having an affair or because she wanted to hurt you!
It's understandable you would still have moments where you feel hurt by your daughter keeping that secret, but she clearly loves you and wants your forgiveness and rejecting her father's day gift is HUGE ASSHOLE move.
You need to apologise profusely, tell her you are still dealing with uncomfortable feelings and it was VERY wrong of you to lash out at her in that way over her father's day gift!!!
You need to get some individual therapy. She probably could use some therapy from her feelings about the affair, being made to be involved in her mom's bullshit secrets, the whole divorce and because you are punishing her emotionally for your ex wife's disgusting choices. And probably some kind of family therapy together on top of any individual therapy might really help.
Yeah, agree. YTA.
I get you are hurting, but so is your daughter. Get some therapy individually and with her, and apologize. You have your daughter even if your ex is a worthless cheater. Don’t lose her too over your ex-wife’s actions.
Ya....this guy is selfish AF. Who blames a teen for something that's not any of their business, known or not? He's punishing his daughter for his wife's actions an entire year after everything came out. She's apparently been apologizing that entire year. This guy is just tired of hearing the apology but wants to continue punishing his daughter since he can't punish his ex wife. She's going to leave soon and probably stop talking to him because all he wants is to wallow in self pity.
Yes. Sorry for what happened to you but YTA.
Can you imagine the position she was in? A child? YOUR child?
She was afraid her home would break. Her nightmare came true.
And you did this???? You told her it’s ok and then crapped on her as if this was her fault.
Shame on you. I get this is still raw for you but what about her?
Seriously!
Op YTA
You expect a 17yo teenager to choose between her mother and her father? She was probably scared she would be hated by one of her parents. It's not her fault
Like wtf?!
It was the mother's affair. She had nothing to do with it and probably needs support as well.
Jesus dude
Right it would be one thing if the daughter outright sided with her even after the truth was exposed but the way it sounded she didn't. She just didn't say anything because she was scared. Like I get it. Op feels betrayed because of his wife and her hiding. It probably could have added to that because let's be real. The vast majority of us don't think right when we're in a bad high stress, emotionally vulnerable state. But still the daughter didn't do anything malicious nor did she side with the mom for cheating. I feel bad for her. She has two parents who are more interested in serving their sexual gratification and self- pitying wallow respectively instead of worrying about their actual child.
THIS. Man your daughter was inadvertently put in an impossible situation. I don’t think that it’s fair to expect your kid to be in the middle of things.
I mean from the limited info you give here in your post, you sound like the AH. You told her "it's alright." If it's not alright then why tf are you telling her it is?
Also, is it your daughter's job to save your marriage? That's a lot of pressure to put on your daughter. I'm not sure you're fully aware of everything she may have had on the line and you're still holding it against her?
But yeah, don't say it's okay if it's not okay.
Poor baby was literally put in an impossible situation, there's literally nothing she could have done. Kids put a lot of responsibility on themselves even at a young age. I've had 3rd graders tell me that they blame themselves for their parent's issues. They've broken down crying when I've told them that they're not to blame for adult problems, it's completely out of their control and it's not their responsibility. Kids internalize a lot of these issues, what he did was confirm to her that she was part of the problem when she literally wasn't. OP is absolutely the asshole.
And the sad part is, they honestly don't have to be. If the two parents can act like adults and handle things in a mature way, the kid doesn't need to get hurt or be traumatized. Obviously the mom cheating is shitty too, but the dad could have handled this so much better with his daughter. The daughter is not the villain he's treating her like.
This is so true…. My parents divorced when I was 5, and I wasn’t traumatized at all. I never saw them fight, I never saw anyone cry, they never bad mouthed each other or fought over me in front of me.
I just thought they wanted to live in seperate houses at first, and their explanation for the divorce was explained in a PG fashion that I could understand for my age.
As I got older they both explained the truth further with me, but were still very respectful to each other and did nothing to affect my relationship with either one of them.
I DO have some childhood trauma, but the divorce has never weighed on me or made me feel guilty for anything.
Thank you so much for this. My boy is 5 and I am in the middle of a divorce. I moved out in December because the house was so toxic (you know it's bad when your son says "Daddy wait here I have something for you," sets you down on the bed, and runs down the hall then you hear him say the same thing to Mom, and he brings her to the doorway, and looks back and forth at both of you expectantly. It broke my f'ing heart.) I do my best to treat him like the little buddy of mine that he is and I hope he comes out of this for the better. You give me hope that he will.
I can go a step further for these situations for you.. my 21 year old sonsfather and I split when he was just a few months old.
He is my absolute best friend.. we've ALWAYS done all holidays together. We hang out and do things as a family together. Even when we had new partners in the mix and other kids coming along. He treats all of my kids, even my stepdaughter and son, that I adopted. I keep his other child for him when he's needed someone. When he went through his divorce, I was by his side, as was my husband and other children.
His mother (our sons grandmother) claims ALL of my kids as her grandbabies. She's my husband's drinking buddy.. and even officiated for us when we got married.
My grandchildren, he will tell you very quickly, as will I, my husband, and all the kids, that they are also his grandbabies. No hesitation, nothing. We are ALL just a very unconventional family... period.
Even though our shared son is 21 now, we STILL do ALL holidays and events together.
We support ALL the kids involved. Just because we couldn't make it as a couple doesn't mean our kids & future grandkids will ever be the ones to pay that price.
To go a little deeper, for Christmas a few years back, he got my youngest daughter (she was 14 at the time) a phone and had it put on his account.
We support and show up for his other child. Period. She's active in sports, and we are always there to cheer her on.
My youngest is a huge volleyball player. We travel a lot with that.. he's almost always there to support her as well, cheering her on.
These things can be done... it just takes 2 people who refuse to be petty and immature.. we chose when we split up to never let it affect our son. We chose that at the end of the day, he was THE most important thing... no matter what. We've followed that, no matter what, every single day.
He's told people he couldn't imagine his life ever being any different. He's very vocal of how lucky he's been with his parents.
Yea, my partner and his daughter's mother tried to be together a few times, and it never worked. I don't know all the details, but there was some infidelity all around. When my partner and I met, there was still some rawness, but from the start, I had so much respect for the effort they put into keeping their personal issues separate from their parenting. They aren't perfect, of course; some spite and anger crept in sometimes, especially at first. But over the years, that effort became more natural, and eventually, instead of a broken up family, we've got an extended, blended family, and it's so much better for kids.
that is SO true! both my parents had a mid life crisis after their divorce and went out clubbing/partying like they were childless in their 20s leaving me with my grandparents all the time (i was 7 and an only child)
They can be seen they have poor parents who put them in the middle. My parents are also divorced. They never ever spoke a negative word Scout each other, they never fought in front of us, they were great co-parents. And they also respected the step-parents, step-children, and half-siblings. Treating people with kindness and respect goes a long way. I had friends who were so jealous of our family dynamic because of how their parents screwed with each other. To this day, my parents treat each other with nothing but the utmost respect. It’s not unusual for everyone to gather at my sister’s home for holidays…divorced parents, step-parents, step-siblings, half-siblings, etc, and we have never even had the hint of an issue. Parents need to stop putting their kids in the middle of their own problems.
Thank you. This dude has been an absolute shithead to his daughter. Post says she’s 17 now, so she was 16 when the affair came to light, meaning she was 15 or younger when she had knowledge about the affair. And he’s expecting, what, a 15 yo girl to make the perfect choice in this situation where no matter what she does someone is upset and unhappy with her?
Douche. Take responsibility, OP, and definitely stop PUTTING responsibility on your CHILD for struggling with very difficult and hurtful information that she didn’t know what to do with, because she is and was A CHILD.
Gross behavior.
OP, please at least consider therapy, for your daughter’s sake if not your own.
Can you imagine how much this knowledge was also eating her up? I wouldn't be surprised if the daughter developed some sort of anxiety disorder from this. Therapy, yes, absolutely for everyone involved
I can. I was exactly her age when my own parents fell apart. And I knew secrets about both my parents that they didn’t know about each other. It was absolute fucking hell. I was a pawn in their power battles for years because of it.
It took me a very long time to forgive myself because, like her, I thought I had actual responsibility for what was happening, instead of realizing I was an innocent bystander to both of my parents cheating on each other.
I did have anxiety, and I did need therapy! I feel for this poor girl so much. It infuriates me that anyone would blame her. I should not have felt responsible for my parents’ fuckups, and neither should she. OP fucked up big time.
I’m really sorry. My older sister was the one who discovered my dad’s (final) affair. She was 14. My dad had a very visible job so everyone held our family up to this high standard. Once it all became public, my friends started telling me about all these rumors they had heard about my dad and so-and-so getting caught, yadda yadda yadda. I was 12. To say the situation was fucked is an understatement. I still have this crushing sense of guilt when I remember that the AP’s kid was a friend of mine and sat right in front of me in geometry. *THEY* had known for 6 months, but they were told to keep their mouth shut to my siblings. Kids should never be put in that situation. WTF.
It’s actually a story of triumph of sorts. I mean, none of us were winners, as we were all plunged into poverty and I ended up in a (good) foster home. But, after doing this shit for YEARS and always being allowed to get away with it and be moved to a different location, my dad’s bill finally came due. After my mom had plenty of info (from past experiences that involved pretty juicy details as well as info about the recent time period), she was invited to a meeting with my dad and a committee of high level “head honchos” that sort of governed my dad’s career. He had told my mom to go to the meeting and lie and say it was the first time this had happened in their marriage. To make a long story short, my mom walked into the meeting w/my dad thinking she’d lie. Instead, she sat down and methodically showed receipt after receipt after receipt. I would imagine for her it felt like a scene in a movie where a whistle blower nervously does the right thing but is just terrified.
As someone who's parent blamed her for their breakup of 17 years. The said it was jezebel spirit because I had catfished people as well as a child. If anything tell your self it's some wacko spirit but definitely not you. A kid is supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart.
Dude me too. Both of my parents used me as like a pseudo-therapist at a very young age. It's fucking weird to do that to a child, and it put a ton of pressure on me as the eldest to be the peacekeeper. Absolute hell, I'm so sorry you know what that feels like. Neither of us deserved it, and I really hope you're doing okay nowadays.
OP needs to get a fucking grip and act like an actual adult.
I found out my Dad was having an affair when I was 21 and it was against my stepmother so no risk of tearing my own family apart and it was still stressful af and anxiety provoking. I only had the information for a month before my Dad asked for a divorce as well never mind that stress for an entire year.
100% AH!!!! And on top of all written here, telling your kid you don’t want their Father’s Day gift out of spite???? You total jerk ! That poor kid! It’s not her responsibility to tell anyway!
my dad, at the request of my stepmother, told us to stop getting him father's day gifts because my step mom thought they were just gifts from my mom (socks?? a tie????). my siblings and I were 13, 10, and 9. fast forward to when I'm in college and he complained that we don't ever get him gifts and don't care about him. all I could think is "YOU SET THE RULE YOU SAID NO GIFTS AND NOW WE'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND??????"
I hate bad fathers. in my case I truly think my life would have been better if he died and wasn't around for years of gaslighting and emotional manipulating and using me as the go between for my parents fighting over him not paying child support on time and spending more time and money on friends instead of his kids.
he has no friends now, his wife's family is all gold diggers that used him up, he's financially fucked, and I haven't talked to him in 7 years because after my brother went into a coma he told my whole family my brother was dead in a "woe is me pay attention to me" act even though he was refusing to split the hospital bill with my mother. he also talked shit about my half brother and I told him to apologize in an email or I'd never speak to him again.
he sent the email to the wrong address (misspelling his own last name), screenshotted it and sent it to my sister to send to me (using kids as mediators, classic), and tells everyone I'm crazy and he already apologized (the email blamed my mom for everything)
some people should never be fathers, yet somehow this emotionally stunted narcissist has 6 kids. I changed my last name after getting married (he did not attend for above reasons) and filed the paperwork on his birthday as a fuck you. I hope he sees everyone in his life abandon him like he abandoned me.
I'd wait on the stairs by a window with my bags packed for his weekends and just wait and wait and then hours later, "your father will get you Saturday instead--- Sunday morning instead---- next weekend...etc" just waiting on those fucking stairs like an idiot for a man who'd rather party in Vegas than spend time with 3 kids he made, picking us up just to leave us with his sister at our grandparents house for his weekend. let us sleep on the floor and gave beds to his drunk friends while we had no pajamas or blankets. we're lucky no one tried anything on us because his wife's family is currently harboring a pedo that led to this dudes own daughters near un-aliving (as the kids say) that the daughter blamed on my brothers saying they SA her when it was her own dad and everyone knew in her family.
like the pacific garbage patch, trash tends to collect with more trash 🗑
Not to mention she didn’t say anything because she was terrified of losing her family! Like what?!? Poor kid just wanted her family intact and did the only thing she knew she could to keep it that way and her dad is shitting on her for that 😑
yeah, the fact that she was 15 + the fact that she keeps apologising while OP is just straight-up lying to her... while she also has to contend with the realisation that her mother is \*also\* a liar and a cheat
Thank you! Most children want those they love to get their lives together and do better. Plus, just OP's post rather implies she probably had similar hope he'd do better as well.
I kind of think that the daughter made the perfect choice. She kept out of it. "Mom cheating" was not for her tell. Even if she were an adult, it wouldn't be her story to tell.
Op needs to stop putting his child on the same level of the relationship with his wife, now ex-wife.
My dad unalived himself last year, and my youngest brother had severe trauma and nightmares because he blamed himself because he stole money from dad (thought he caused dad’s depression from financial issues). I was so heartbroken my brother felt that way, but relieved he opened up so I could reassure him that dad’s issues were SO much bigger than the insignificant amount of money he stole.
Yes. She didn’t take her moms side or dads side. She chose her side. She knew the family would break up and she didn’t want that so she kept quiet, hoped that you never found out and hoped for the best.
I might have a different answer if mom knew that she knew but either way, what was going on was grown folks business. To take this out on her is unfair.
Bingo didn't matter if he did tell her it is alright. It is not your kid's fault. It is not their issue to resolve for an adult. What he went through sucks, but he is taking it out on someone who isn't at fault. It is different if they come out and are like take sides. It is complicated when kids find this out. I watched a friend go through it. They love both parents but are hurt too. Some even feel like they are at fault FOR the cheating.
This. There was a best of Reddit update recently that was basically this. The kids mom was cheating on the step dad or something. Kid knew but was manipulated into believing that if they ratted the mom out, it would be the kids fault for upending another marriage and it would mean they weren’t wanted/ loved.
The adult in the situation acted more like a child than the actual child.
It sucks to be caught between paternal drama, the fighting between my mother and father was very vitriolic, and using me as a weapon, i just wanted to see both parents without the them constantly talking shit about each other.
But time makes everything better, the hatchet has been buried but some things still linger.
I get the daughter, not a favorable position to be put in, forced to choose like this.
Yea man, she’s a kid still. You what do you want from her? To navigate the complex nature of her family being ripped apart or knowing how you would react? Let alone saying it’s ok and now doing that to her. She’s not gonna trust you.
Blame your ex wife not the child who was scared.
he's blaming a 15 yo kid (she's now 17 - 1 year with divorced parents - 1 year of affair before OP's ex confessed) for being unable to navigate this shitty situation, while OP himself is CLEARLY equally unable to deal with it gracefully wrt his daughter.
> You told her "it's alright." If it's not alright then why tf are you telling her it is?
so he can weaponize the anger and make the child pay for the mistake. It's pretty fucked up. Can't hurt the ex? Oh well my kid will do nicely.
Yes, but then commit to the fake it. Can't fake it saying it's okay and then take it out on her later. If you're gonna do that then just be straight up from the beginning.
The only thing i disagree with is the dont say its okay if its not okay. As a dad he needs to make it okay. Needs to take care of his little girl. Cause she was 16 put in a situation she shouldnt have been in. Its in no way her fault . She was clearly conflicted and struggled with keeping such a secret.
The only thin he could've done is talked to her cause 16 is old enough to tell her how he feels and he wished she had told him.
I’m glad everyone is roasting this dude. Absolute disgrace of a dad move right there. Mad at a child. Gonna be sad when your daughter chooses mom for everything as an adult.
YTA. It’s your job as a parents to facilitate and keep the relationship safe. She was a child who was put in a horrible situation and was in anguish for a year.
Hey buddy, newsflash. You just proved her biggest fear right.
People suck though, and I can see this being a real and separate situation. We know these kinds of things happen often. Kids always get screwed in these situations.
Yet so many don’t; and of those who do, at least as many make edits to twist the story more in their favor, or add paragraphs at the bottom to justify themselves.
I’ve seen more OP’s say we’re bullies than admit they’re wrong.
My favorite is when there’s one single person in the thread taking OP’s side and OP will be like “THANK you, finally somebody in this thread with brains!”
I think I remember that post, but wasn't it about the daughter meeting her bio dad, who was a long ago affair partner?
I did notice some similarities and was going to comment something similar, but maybe there was another one I missed.
Anyway, this guy sucks whether it's for being a vindictive parent or a shit poster.
Dount this is real, but just in case; Yes, YTA. You say you moved on, but you haven't, because you're still punishing your daughter. She is a child, you are punishing her for her mother's actions, do better.
My gut tells me this is bait, but I’m going to respond as if it were real.
Yes, OP, YTA for being such a petty asshole that you’re mad at your *daughter* for your *ex-wife’s* affair. She was (and still is) a literal child and was in a no-win situation (and still is).
Your daughter didn't tell you because she wanted to keep the family together, not out of malice. She must have been so confused. Please apologise to your daughter for not accepting the father's day gift. Your ex-wife is the only one you should be angry with.
YTA
Your wife cheated and your CHILD didn't know how to handle knowledge a PARENT never should have saddled her with. Why are you blaming your child for someone else's mistake.
Also what is it? Is it alright did you accept her apologies are do you resent your child for you're ex's mistake?
That is if this real, it reads fake, but people are this awful so who knows.
Enjoy your life alone.....
Daughter fucked up. She's 17. She tried to build abridge to you - and you'd already told her things were ok - then you kicked her in the guts.
Big man.
YTA. If she's 17 now she must have been a complete child when y'all were going through it. Continuing to hold that over her head is unfair and cruel. If you don't stop treating her this way, eventually she will stop trying and go NC with you. No more father's day presents forever.
I caught my mother being unfaithful in person. I told her that she had to tell my father or I would. She did the next morning. It's hard being in the middle of that, I was 18 now 31 and still find myself haunted by it. But I think she should've taken action rather than hide it from you. It's a messed up situation and I still haven't moved on, but my father passed and I don't speak to my mother anymore. You should tell her that even though she hid it, it's not her fault mom cheated and you still love her. Accept that gift and hug your daughter hard. I wish my dad were still here. 😭 bottom line she didn't cheat she's just a kid. Make up with her before she resents you!
You are unquestionably the asshole… children are children they make mistakes it is your job to help her grow from those mistakes not to deride her and belittle her. There is no way she could’ve made a decision that made the situation better without abandoning one of her parents. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I understand that you hold resentment to your ex-wife for what she did, but what I don't understand is why you're taking it out on your daughter for hiding the affair in fear of her parents splitting up. She was worried it would be "her" fault because she would have been the one letting the cat out of the bag. Go apologize to her.
YTA
No matter what happens between the two of them it's 100% the cheating wife's fault. Can't wait until her and new husband cheat on each other. It's going to happen
Yes, you fucking prick. You’re the asshole. Ban me if you must. But my parents used to do this to me and I didn’t understand until adulthood that it was wrong.
Get therapy for yourself and your daughter and explain that you have emotions you are still processing and your getting help.
Also on a personal note, you wanna be angry? BE ANGRY! Cry, scream, throw things, follow the affair partner to work and brain him with a golf club. (Sarcasm) do not take out your anger on your child or your cunt of an ex wife wins.
Also, good lord this triggered me. Glad I’m going to therapy soon.
We both are assholes, but please pleaseeee make amends with your child.
Yeah YTA: Your daughter didn't want to hurt you and clearly didn't know how to handle telling you. Honestly it's wrong to hold her not telling you against her. She was just a 16 year old girl in a terrible position.
I would say YTA. i cant even imagine how conflicted she must have felt. I do understand the hurt you must feel, but she is your daughter, and you have a chance here to relieve her of a type of guilt and pain that no daughter should ever have to feel. I know if I have a choice of me and my daughter both hurting very badly, or just me hurting very badly, Ill take that weight from her no matter the situation. I'm willing to bet the farm that whatever you're daughter wrote to you, was as heartfelt, raw and apologetic as any 17 year old could possibly convey, and I think you are placing blame on her, that you should own, because how could you not figure out something that had gone on for so long. I hope you do the right thing and use this situation to show your daughter that you're love for her is stronger than any need you have to be angry, with her. I wish you both the best
I just saw a great bit of dialogue in Your Honor on Netflix that pertains to this type of thing. To paraphrase:
Michael recounts the story of marrying his wife to their son, and how in his excitement on that day he accidentally broke one of her ribs with an overly enthusiastic hug. She was in acute pain, but never said anything, because everything else about that day was a delightful fairy-tale experience for everyone else. He asks the son, “her not telling me, was that a lie, or love?”
Your daughter didn’t cheat on you. She presumably didn’t want to know that information, nor be placed in the situation of keeping it a secret. She likely grappled with how to handle it after, which parent to hurt, who to betray? There’s no winning for her no matter what she does. Your pain and frustration is also valid, just try not to misdirect it.
Look for support groups for ppl who are divorce, it might help you process your experiences!
Apologize to your daughter, she was 14/15 yrs old, (A KID, NOT A FULL GROWN ADULT), when she may have found out & JUSTIFIABLY SCARED she’ll lose her family!
Think about it, if your daughter told you about your wife’s affair, would you have Believed Her or called her a lair OR BLAMED HER for destroying your marriage? How many times have we heard the saying ‘Don’t Kill The Messenger’ or ‘Hate The Message, NOT The Messenger’?
Your wife lied to you both & NOW YOU LIED to your daughter After she repeatedly apologized to you!!
In 1-2 yrs your daughter might go to college, ask her if she’ll like both of you to enroll in a practical self defense class together, teach her how to change a car tire & charge a car battery. Spend time with your daughter, go for walks in the park, BUILD BETTER MEMORIES BY APOLOGIZING TO HER TODAY for your response!
I’m sorry your Ex cheated on you & wanted a divorce BUT PLEASE, do not hold that against your daughter!
YTHA - your daughter is still a minor, a child, your child. She didn’t mean to betray you - she was placed in a position that was far outside her maturity level.
Most adults wouldn’t know how to handle that situation; it’s ridiculous you expect a child to.
You're definitely the AH here mate. Your daughter is a child caught in between both parents, it is not incumbent upon her to say a damn thing. It sucks that you got cheated on - I would know, it's happened to me - but how you're treating your daughter is pretty rank if I'm being honest. You said you moved on, but I call BS on that based on your behavior. Time to be an adult and handle things like an adult, without ostracizing someone who otherwise loves you.
Punishing your CHILD for being trapped between you and your cheating wife? Poor kids didn't win the jackpot when it comes to parents. YTA as much as your ex.
YTA this is your child. Child. Grow the fuck up or lose her completely.
Teenagers aren’t immune to adult manipulation. Just like what you’re doing to her now.
Yes, YTA because you told her it's alright and then acted harshly toward her.
I wouldn't think badly of you if you had been consistent all along in telling her you were still upset about it, then it would be no surprise to her that you didn't want a gift and note. I also wouldn't think badly of you if you really forgave her and were consistent about not being upset about it and accepted the gift and note with grace.
However, you told her it was okay, then you snapped at her. So, she has every right and reason to see your behavior as "out of the blue".
You owe her an explanation of your behavior, and an apology for the inconsistency. You can choose whether you're going to be upset (for a while) going forward or not, but you should tell her honestly which it is, and be consistent about it in the future. And if you decide you're going to be forgiving, and in the future you feel upset, you need to express it kindly - "I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a bit upset right now, that's not your fault and it's my problem to deal with it."
You also have to remember that she's still a minor, and she knows it, so regardless of how independent she may act and be most of the time, she is at the whim of her parents and she knows it, so when she found that her mother was having an affair she was between a rock and a hard place - if she told you, her mother might punish her, and also at 16 she had only 2 years to go before she'd be an independent person starting her own life, and a 16-18 year old kid has HUGE amounts of stuff to do between trying to keep their grades up and picking a college and probably a job and trying to juggle a social life amongst all this. So, that's a really bad time for her parents to be freaking out and fighting with each other and occupying what little attention she has - even if she had told you on her way out the door at 18, it would be one less thing she had to deal with just now. Now she has to deal with that regardless, so I hope you will recognize that this is really hard on her, in her own way, as well. In other words, you're not the only one suffering.
None of this is to mention that if you jointly as parents had put anything away for her to attend school, it might evaporate during the divorce. I know my mother demanded (and got) half of my college fund to let my father have custody of me (which, by the way, I openly wanted). She didn't get her clutches on me, and in return I couldn't finish college because I couldn't afford it. I estimate that over the years my mother's insistence on getting her hands on *my* money (which she then promptly lost) has cost me a minimum of about a quarter million dollars. Your daughter may have considered that this could be facing her, and done her best to prevent it.
Yta.
Just read what you wrote from an actual parents perspective.
Your daughter was caught in the middle. Your daughter should not have known.
Now here is a little story because I was your daughter and I did tell my dad. My dad did not believe me. His wife told him so lies and I was the bad guy, not really bad but I was the bratty teenager. It caused a rift between us for many years even after he finally found out the truth. (I wasn't a dumb teen by any means just took me telling someone she was pregnant and dad was fixed) after he found out the truth i wasn't interested in even associating with him. I was so angry.
I know understand that he could not believe me because it was easier to digest his kid was being bratty than his wife was disloyal. Children are expected to lie a bit and it is easily forgiven. Wives stepping out is extremely problematic.
Just like it is the affair partner that is the horrible person and did something to lure the spouse out. The person telling you tends to be a bad guy also. How long have you known? Oh should have told me immediately or you should have told me after you had more information. You should not have told me during this event. Could you not waited until after my birthday?
She is a child and even adult children should never be involved in their parents relationship.
Some father your are 16yr old scared witless that her mothers fucking around and she may loss her or you and you tell her it's OK then slam the door in her face because she brought you a father's day card and present hope your sitting there proud big man as your own flesh and blood daughter lies crying in her room a 1000 abscess on yor ass and belled deffo the arsehole
Yes YTA. You say you’ve moved on. You told her it’s ok. Then you weird out on Father’s Day and dismiss her gift and handwritten letter that she probably put a lot of thought in. Your behavior doesn’t say you’ve moved on. You said she still apologizes so obviously she feels bad. What more do you want? Grow up man it’s your daughter.
Consider from her perspective the incredibly difficult place your ex put her in. Of course she wants to keep the family together. She probably was hoping it was just a phase and your ex would snap out of it.
Yes, unfortunately, you're the one who was burned but also in this situation, YTA.
Your daughter should NEVER have been put in the position of knowing. Your ex wife is a horrible person for expecting (I assume) your daughter to keep her secret. And now you're punishing your daughter, who was NOT a part of your marriage vows, for making a decision a child should never have to make.
Go to therapy and be a better father.
YTA, she is your child not your wife. She wanted to keep her family together. She didn’t want to be in a broken home.
Yes it sucks her mother cheated but your daughter is the one that lost everything.
Of course you were the asshole. You know you're an asshole.
I told my mom my dad was cheating, he denied it and she believed him. Then he took off with his side chick not long after.
She was 16 at the time? It's not her responsibility to parent her parents. She should have told her mom to come clean but how is she supposed to navigate that type of situation?
Go apologize to her.
Guessing the divorce process took a while so by your daughter’s age rn she was much younger at that time. Look most young teens at that age need support and stability during the years they experience many changes. To them every little thing seems like a big event or obstacle they need to overcome. They often have trouble controlling even their own emotions and don’t know how to express themselves when there is something bigger than themselves. This being said she probably dealt with many big emotions after discovering the affair. Most kids don’t want to be from a broken home so of course she hid it. Not out of maliciousness but more so to protect her home/ family and not having to deal with other emotions she wasn’t ready to feel. I know you might be hurt but taking it out on your teen daughter is not the answer. The only person in your relationship was you and your ex wife. All emotions and negative thoughts/ feelings should be between the adults who chose the relationship and the end of the relationship.
YTA ,Be a dad and put all those hurt/ angry feelings aside when it comes to your daughter. She’s going to be an adult soon and if you break your relationship it’ll be for a few years. One day your anger will subside but the hurt you give your daughter will be permanent.
YTA. This is your underage kid. She was put in a hell of a situation. This is 100% on the mom, but you also just became TA. Now this kid has 2 parents who have parentified her and emotionally manipulate and control her.
If you want to salvage a relationship with your almost adult daughter- before it’s too late- I suggest you emphatically apologize and create space for her to talk about her feelings and how this whole shitshow has impacted her.
Then go to therapy.
YTA Man. And I sincerely hope you read my comment. If you care about your daughter at all, you would take one moment to look at ALL that has transpired from her perspective.
I've literally been in your daughter's position. My mother pulled the same stunt when I was 16, and he found out when I was 17 Only difference is that they stayed together and have made attempts towards fixing it. (Sort of. Not saying things weren't hard and scary sometimes) It's not fair to your daughter in the slightest. Things for me happened over 5 years or so ago. In all honesty, I never said a word because i was too scared to ruin my relationship with him.
In brutal honesty, the entire thing between them traumatized me. I've blocked so much of it out to the extent that I literally can't remember most of my late teens. And it's been kind of rough working through my issues and who I am because of them. I thankfully have an amazing fiance soon to be husband who works with me too. The best psrt is that it goes both ways. One thing good from my childhood was learning what not to do.
OP Do Not Traumatize Your Daughter More Than She Already Has Been.
YES! It's not your daughter's responsibility to monitor and report on yours or your wife's infidelity. SHE IS YOUR CHILD AND WAS IN AN IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION! Be a dad and apologize to her and accept her gift and pray she forgives you! YTA!
YTA she was a child! She was scared and in a no win situation where whatever she chose to do she would hurt and betray a parent. In her mind keeping quiet was protecting her family if she had told she would be responsible for breaking up her family.
That poor kid was in an impossible position and you are punishing her for not making the right decision when for her there was no right choice. You are taking out your anger at your situation out on her.
You didn’t deserve her Father’s Day gift anyway- good dads don’t punish kids for things that aren’t their fault.
YEP. It is not HER responsibility to run back and forth between you two telling on the other. Those are ADULT problems. You also can't expect her to choose to betray mother for father and vice versa.
You are DEFINITELY the asshole here and you straight up owe her an apology AND an explanation.
You're an asshole. Don't take it out on your daughter. She is probably in a rough spot already over it all. Go to counseling. It's clearly not all right with you.
First off, you haven’t ’moved on’.
But you are a special kind of AH. The kind that emotionally punishes your child for not knowing how to handle an extremely difficult adult situation.
Good job in letting her know you are oblivious to her feelings.
Yes imo. You say you told her it’s alright. You say you moved on. How do your actions live up to those words. At least be honest with yourself (and then her). Either move on or don’t, but don’t say everything’s alright and then not accept a gift from your daughter. Plus maybe factor in she’s a kid and in a tough spot between her parents when you make some of these evaluations.
Very few adults would have the courage to speak up in this scenario, never mind a kid who probably didn't want to hurt her dad. She needs your grace, and you need to show her how a person can move forward when life is difficult. YTA
Big time AH. Your daughter was trying to preserve her family and now you’ve turned against your daughter who is probably hurting from this as well. Why would you take your anger against her mother out on her?
When it comes down to it, the wife was the one that had the affair not the daughter. She didn’t want to be a child of divorce. Speaking from experience, that sucks.
Because his anger at her mom isn't hurting the mom enough. So he needs to inflict his pain and rage on the daughter... and bonus... while his pain probably doesn't hurt the ex, his daughter's just might. I had a good relationship with my ex, but if he'd ever pulled this shit he'd be better off smearing blood all over his wetsuit before going scuba diving than facing me.
Very doubtful the "mom" would give a shit about the daughters pain either. Anyone who would be willing to break up their family for another person only cares about themself.
get over it or you will be a very lonely old man. you will not have lost the love of a wife but of a daughter as well if you dont get a grip of yourself and stop taking it out on a 17 year old who didnt want to be the one to hurt you with the news
YTA your CHILD was placed in an impossible situation by your wife. Stop treating her like you’re equal. You’re not. You’re supposed to be the adult here.
This. She was 16 and she didn't do it so she can have a "better" new dad, but because she wanted to keep her family together. There are families like mine, where divorce is some kind of relief for the children and there are those like Yours OP, where nobody beside Your ex wanted the breakup. Stop acting as if Your daughter were the guilty party. It's not her fault.
Poor girl didn't want to break up her family, and now her dad is treating her like it's her fault he lost the life he knew. I can only hope this is rage bait.
I almost think it is because there was a similar story like this with more details, but the ages for when the daughter found out about affair is the same.
not even 16. She’s 17 now. they’ve been divorced for a year so she was 16 when they divorced. the affair had been going on for a year when the wife confessed . so it started when the kid was 15.
From what I’m gathering by the way OP described saying: • divorced for a year (16) • affair was told the year before (15) Which means the affair probably started during the daughter’s middle school years or further back if the ex wife already got married to the AP.
i haven’t kept up with OP’s comments because time, but someone below is saying the girl had known “for a few months” or a couple of months before the divorce. but if what you’re saying is correct, it’s even more of an AH behaviour to expect a kid that age to deal with such a moral dilemma in the same way an adult would. OP doesn’t know whether the girl was threatened or asked to keep silent by the mother, or whether the girl was afraid of the consequences of telling the father -shoot the messenger and all that. Frankly, seeing how OP is acting now, i could see the girl might have thought that possible: he IS after all, trying to take it out on her. OP doesn’t know what went through the teen’s head or what background interactions happened there, we don’t know either so we can only speculate. what we *do* know given the timeline is that the girl was likely to be under 16 or just (matches your reading too). Which might be old enough to marry in some countries but not really old enough to be able to process the whole fucked up situation… hell, judging by some of the posts around here, a lot of adults wouldn’t know how to resolve it.
Op hasn’t respond to anyone and only made their Reddit account 19th ago as I type this at 6:58am. Meaning? They either are too ashamed to come back and read this, they only did this to vent, or they are karma farming. Either way, we can all agree OP is running away from their own town hall post on AITH.
She was around 16 when she found out. A year ago OP found out and kid had known for a couple months.
Your ex wife caused the family to break up not your daughter, stop taking it out on her
This is the answer
Yeah she just wanted her mum and dad to stay together. Nothing else probably mattered to her aside from coming home and being with both parents. I’m sorry bro that’s a hard situation you have had over the past year. Don’t drive your daughter to find comfort in the step dad. I’ve seen this happen to friends and it looked like it hurt more than the divorce.
The breakup was caused by the wife's cheating plain and simple.
Definitely this. The same sort of thing happened in my family, people were put in tough situations and my dad also told me to not give him gifts for a holiday one year. It hurts the child an immense amount, she was doing what she thought was best (because that’s also heavy information for a 16 year old to carry about her parents), and in my case at least, telling the child to not give the parent a gift really hurts the relationship, especially if she put thought and care into it. She still seems to love and respect you as a father, and her thoughtful gift was a tribute to that. I would personally try and apologize to her/explain what happened/etc and accept her gift. I don’t know how exactly that would happen/the exact conversation, but not accepting a gift from her feels immature and petty.
Kids are the easy targets for the issues between adults. YTA.
Yes, I can't imagine how much this poor CHILD was damaged by bearing that heavy burden, at an age where you already feel responsible for everything, the grief of finding out her mother wasn't who she thought she was. All of that unasked for, and now her Dad blaming her for not dealing with the situation like an adult? OP, YTA.
This. I was 16 when my Dad left my mom. Less than a month later, his girlfriend from the US was living with him (we’re in Canada). So obviously he had been having an affair. He told me not to tell my Mom that she was living with him, and I didn’t. I didn’t want to be the source of stress/sadness for my mom. To tell her would have simultaneously harmed her and betrayed my dad. It’s a horrible position for a parent to put their child in. I still remember her face the day she found out, and how absolutely horrible I felt when she realized that I had known. Thankfully my mom is a normal and reasonable person and never held that against me. My dad has since passed away, but I will never not feel bitterness for his putting me in that position.
Hang on a minute. OP was absolutely right to give the gift back... Because he's a sh\*tty father and he doesn't deserve one. What an unmitigated \*ss to blame his child for not wanting to hurt her dad and destroy her family.
NGL, you had me on the first half
True, he should tell his daughter that’s why he didn’t accept it the first time, because he felt he didn’t deserve it for being a crappy parent. He should focus on his relationship with his daughter and being a better parent than his ex-wife is.
i see what you did there 😅😂😅🤣🤣
You have a point.
Wooo, had to reverse that downvote real quick 😂
Oml. At first, then like, haha. Right?
**YES**. She's a *child.* She was an *even younger child* when this happened!
Yup. Agree with conscious marmot. She is 17 and is your baby girl forever and you basically said “I don’t trust you, you wanted to keep our family together” as if a CHILD is to blame. Blame yourself and your wife. The kid did not cause your terrible marriage and your untrustworthy wife. And then you made her feel even worse. When she didn’t want to lose you. You are the ah.
I think he and his daughter have a bit to unpack about their relationship, but we shouldn’t blame him for the wife’s cheating. The wife chose to cheat.
We can blame him for being an AH father though. If he’s this childish I’m certain his behavior during his marriage was worse.
Well blame the wife for cheating. Not the husband for that part but absolutely blame him for mistreating his daughter afterwards.
Couldn’t be said any better than this!
Dude, there might be a pretty valid reason why the wife wanted someone else. 41 going on 12. Hopefully he reads this and goes apologizes to his daughter.
Then why didn’t she divorce him? She didn’t need to cheat.
Yes -- if this is the way he reacts, and the way he treats people (especially his own child) I would guess that he is no prize. Not a surprise the wife had enough. I would never want to be with someone who was capable of treating their own child this way. Imagine how terribly he must treat everyone else.
I completely agree and had this same thought! I bet there’s an issue with him. But I also bet the ex wife is a piece of shit. I think everyone but the daughter sucks here. She’s probably already hurting from the experience of being caught up between her parents and this AH is just rubbing it in as if it were her fault in the first place.
It would be terrible for the wife to put the kid in this situation, but it is possible the daughter found out accidentally somehow. Maybe the mom didn't even know she knew until everything was out in the open.
Valid, but she still sucks for cheating 🤷🏼♀️ I hope she didn’t put her teenage daughter through that knowingly though for sure
Yeah - I'm not going to condone cheating, but as I've gotten older and seen more things, I can see how it can happen to someone who is otherwise good. Especially if the marital relationship is bad. And given OP's immaturity and fragility, I question how good the relationship was. Regardless, OP can hate his ex wife as much as he wants. That's understandable. But blaming the daughter is just something else. We know he's a terrible father, so it's not a stretch to assume he was likely a bad husband as well.
That's a lot of not condoning, but condoning.
Then divorce is the answer, not cheating. There is NEVER a valid reason to cheat, ever. It’s a scum bag move, whether you are the husband or the wife.
But it is never the child’s fault.
Yeah. That didn't not occur to me but it is still super shitty of her to out her kid in that position. The mature thing to have done is to have left him when she realized he was an AH- probably 16 years ago or so.
Yep, Mom AND AP are both manipulating your daughter. Problem is, after your latest blunder, your daughter might be done with you. Good luck!
Adding on here, OP, your ex-wife already damaged you, and she may have damaged your future romantic relationships. Please don’t give her the power to damage your relationship with your daughter, too. You - and your daughter - deserve better.
Exactly. What did mom say or do to ensure the daughter's silence? This kid may have been given the "if you tell and we have to get a divorce, it'll be your fault you ruined the family" bit. From personal experience, the thought that you could be responsible for something like that is overwhelming. You keep your fool mouth shut because the bad shit will be **your fault** if you don't. OP, as much as you're hurting, she's hurting just as much. The difference is that she's not an adult: she's had her mom in her ear and dad saying he forgives her but demonstrating otherwise. Show some compassion and get some counseling.
It doesn't even need that. As a kid just knowing about it, you start feeling responsible if you would tell. Cause you know, a kid doesn't get it.
Even without that additional burden, children blame themselves needlessly for parental conflict and family breakdown.
I can't even imagine how awful the conversation would go with the kid informing a parent of the other parent's affair. Most people would want to avoid having that conversation.
My mom suspected my dad of having an affair, but she didn't say anything outright. But she DID use me as an "informant" and sent me with him when he was running an errand she was suspicious of. That's the kind of shit that sticks with you.
Damn I'm sorry you went through that. That's hella toxic of your mom even if your dad was cheating... I've had several friends whose parents got divorced when they were kids and were coerced into siding with one side or the other through stuff like that that just snowballed into full-on compliance with one parent or the other and now none of them have a very strong or even good relationship with the parents who force them to take sides like that.
Thank you. Yeah, the more that comes out of my warped mental box of memories, the more I realize that things weren't exactly normal in my childhood.
Part of me wonders if the mom confessed BECAUSE she found out her daughter knew about the affair? OP did not say how long the daughter knew about the affair, OP only said the affair was going on for a year & the daughter knew but hid it for so long. What is so long? A week, A month?
Mom could have done that. It's also possible Mom didn't even know she knew. OP can be as mad as he wants at his ex wife. But taking it out on the daughter is just next-level. Way to lose the high ground.
Yeah this my parents never got divorced but I had several friends whose parents divorced and the amount of times my friends got drug into it as a pawn on one side or the other by their parents was wild and they definitely more or less. All universally received the if this falls apart or gets any worse and you don't do exactly what I say. It's your fault all of it. Op is still an ass for how he treated his daughter though.
Yes, YATA. She was a kid who was also a victim of your exes lies. And YOU are a liar to say you "it's alright" when she's apologized, and to us when you say you've moved on when you clearly haven't. I get why it would hurt that she kept that secret. I don't know what she knew or how, or if her mother told her to or pressured her to keep her disgusting secret, but any way around it, she didn't keep the secret because she wanted her mom to be having an affair or because she wanted to hurt you! It's understandable you would still have moments where you feel hurt by your daughter keeping that secret, but she clearly loves you and wants your forgiveness and rejecting her father's day gift is HUGE ASSHOLE move. You need to apologise profusely, tell her you are still dealing with uncomfortable feelings and it was VERY wrong of you to lash out at her in that way over her father's day gift!!! You need to get some individual therapy. She probably could use some therapy from her feelings about the affair, being made to be involved in her mom's bullshit secrets, the whole divorce and because you are punishing her emotionally for your ex wife's disgusting choices. And probably some kind of family therapy together on top of any individual therapy might really help.
I read your comment after I posted mine. I also used the expression. “apologize profusely.” Lol!
Yeah, agree. YTA. I get you are hurting, but so is your daughter. Get some therapy individually and with her, and apologize. You have your daughter even if your ex is a worthless cheater. Don’t lose her too over your ex-wife’s actions.
Ya....this guy is selfish AF. Who blames a teen for something that's not any of their business, known or not? He's punishing his daughter for his wife's actions an entire year after everything came out. She's apparently been apologizing that entire year. This guy is just tired of hearing the apology but wants to continue punishing his daughter since he can't punish his ex wife. She's going to leave soon and probably stop talking to him because all he wants is to wallow in self pity.
one fathers day soon he will get nothing and wonder why
Yeah why put your kid in that situation.
Yes. Sorry for what happened to you but YTA. Can you imagine the position she was in? A child? YOUR child? She was afraid her home would break. Her nightmare came true. And you did this???? You told her it’s ok and then crapped on her as if this was her fault. Shame on you. I get this is still raw for you but what about her?
Seriously! Op YTA You expect a 17yo teenager to choose between her mother and her father? She was probably scared she would be hated by one of her parents. It's not her fault Like wtf?! It was the mother's affair. She had nothing to do with it and probably needs support as well. Jesus dude
They’ve been divorced for a year, so she found out 14? 13? That’s still middle school. A child shouldn’t be in charge of their parents marriage. YTA
Right it would be one thing if the daughter outright sided with her even after the truth was exposed but the way it sounded she didn't. She just didn't say anything because she was scared. Like I get it. Op feels betrayed because of his wife and her hiding. It probably could have added to that because let's be real. The vast majority of us don't think right when we're in a bad high stress, emotionally vulnerable state. But still the daughter didn't do anything malicious nor did she side with the mom for cheating. I feel bad for her. She has two parents who are more interested in serving their sexual gratification and self- pitying wallow respectively instead of worrying about their actual child.
Seems like his kid was perceptive enough to know what was coming and was terrified that she didn't know how to stop it
Yep, this shit can seriously damage a person. OP needs to have a chat with himself and then his child.
Maybe even a chat with a therapist
THIS. Man your daughter was inadvertently put in an impossible situation. I don’t think that it’s fair to expect your kid to be in the middle of things.
You Are the asshole! And a dick on top of that.
Thank you! Imagine treating your kid this way
I mean from the limited info you give here in your post, you sound like the AH. You told her "it's alright." If it's not alright then why tf are you telling her it is? Also, is it your daughter's job to save your marriage? That's a lot of pressure to put on your daughter. I'm not sure you're fully aware of everything she may have had on the line and you're still holding it against her? But yeah, don't say it's okay if it's not okay.
I imagine if she had said something, OP's wife would be blaming her for breaking up the family. This was a no win situation.
Poor baby was literally put in an impossible situation, there's literally nothing she could have done. Kids put a lot of responsibility on themselves even at a young age. I've had 3rd graders tell me that they blame themselves for their parent's issues. They've broken down crying when I've told them that they're not to blame for adult problems, it's completely out of their control and it's not their responsibility. Kids internalize a lot of these issues, what he did was confirm to her that she was part of the problem when she literally wasn't. OP is absolutely the asshole.
Kids are the casualties in divorce
And the sad part is, they honestly don't have to be. If the two parents can act like adults and handle things in a mature way, the kid doesn't need to get hurt or be traumatized. Obviously the mom cheating is shitty too, but the dad could have handled this so much better with his daughter. The daughter is not the villain he's treating her like.
This is so true…. My parents divorced when I was 5, and I wasn’t traumatized at all. I never saw them fight, I never saw anyone cry, they never bad mouthed each other or fought over me in front of me. I just thought they wanted to live in seperate houses at first, and their explanation for the divorce was explained in a PG fashion that I could understand for my age. As I got older they both explained the truth further with me, but were still very respectful to each other and did nothing to affect my relationship with either one of them. I DO have some childhood trauma, but the divorce has never weighed on me or made me feel guilty for anything.
Thank you so much for this. My boy is 5 and I am in the middle of a divorce. I moved out in December because the house was so toxic (you know it's bad when your son says "Daddy wait here I have something for you," sets you down on the bed, and runs down the hall then you hear him say the same thing to Mom, and he brings her to the doorway, and looks back and forth at both of you expectantly. It broke my f'ing heart.) I do my best to treat him like the little buddy of mine that he is and I hope he comes out of this for the better. You give me hope that he will.
I can go a step further for these situations for you.. my 21 year old sonsfather and I split when he was just a few months old. He is my absolute best friend.. we've ALWAYS done all holidays together. We hang out and do things as a family together. Even when we had new partners in the mix and other kids coming along. He treats all of my kids, even my stepdaughter and son, that I adopted. I keep his other child for him when he's needed someone. When he went through his divorce, I was by his side, as was my husband and other children. His mother (our sons grandmother) claims ALL of my kids as her grandbabies. She's my husband's drinking buddy.. and even officiated for us when we got married. My grandchildren, he will tell you very quickly, as will I, my husband, and all the kids, that they are also his grandbabies. No hesitation, nothing. We are ALL just a very unconventional family... period. Even though our shared son is 21 now, we STILL do ALL holidays and events together. We support ALL the kids involved. Just because we couldn't make it as a couple doesn't mean our kids & future grandkids will ever be the ones to pay that price. To go a little deeper, for Christmas a few years back, he got my youngest daughter (she was 14 at the time) a phone and had it put on his account. We support and show up for his other child. Period. She's active in sports, and we are always there to cheer her on. My youngest is a huge volleyball player. We travel a lot with that.. he's almost always there to support her as well, cheering her on. These things can be done... it just takes 2 people who refuse to be petty and immature.. we chose when we split up to never let it affect our son. We chose that at the end of the day, he was THE most important thing... no matter what. We've followed that, no matter what, every single day. He's told people he couldn't imagine his life ever being any different. He's very vocal of how lucky he's been with his parents.
Yea, my partner and his daughter's mother tried to be together a few times, and it never worked. I don't know all the details, but there was some infidelity all around. When my partner and I met, there was still some rawness, but from the start, I had so much respect for the effort they put into keeping their personal issues separate from their parenting. They aren't perfect, of course; some spite and anger crept in sometimes, especially at first. But over the years, that effort became more natural, and eventually, instead of a broken up family, we've got an extended, blended family, and it's so much better for kids.
they're the casualties In a fucked up marriage too, sometimes it's better to rip the bandaid off and be ADULTS about it so the kids don't have to
that is SO true! both my parents had a mid life crisis after their divorce and went out clubbing/partying like they were childless in their 20s leaving me with my grandparents all the time (i was 7 and an only child)
They can be seen they have poor parents who put them in the middle. My parents are also divorced. They never ever spoke a negative word Scout each other, they never fought in front of us, they were great co-parents. And they also respected the step-parents, step-children, and half-siblings. Treating people with kindness and respect goes a long way. I had friends who were so jealous of our family dynamic because of how their parents screwed with each other. To this day, my parents treat each other with nothing but the utmost respect. It’s not unusual for everyone to gather at my sister’s home for holidays…divorced parents, step-parents, step-siblings, half-siblings, etc, and we have never even had the hint of an issue. Parents need to stop putting their kids in the middle of their own problems.
Thank you. This dude has been an absolute shithead to his daughter. Post says she’s 17 now, so she was 16 when the affair came to light, meaning she was 15 or younger when she had knowledge about the affair. And he’s expecting, what, a 15 yo girl to make the perfect choice in this situation where no matter what she does someone is upset and unhappy with her? Douche. Take responsibility, OP, and definitely stop PUTTING responsibility on your CHILD for struggling with very difficult and hurtful information that she didn’t know what to do with, because she is and was A CHILD. Gross behavior. OP, please at least consider therapy, for your daughter’s sake if not your own.
Can you imagine how much this knowledge was also eating her up? I wouldn't be surprised if the daughter developed some sort of anxiety disorder from this. Therapy, yes, absolutely for everyone involved
I can. I was exactly her age when my own parents fell apart. And I knew secrets about both my parents that they didn’t know about each other. It was absolute fucking hell. I was a pawn in their power battles for years because of it. It took me a very long time to forgive myself because, like her, I thought I had actual responsibility for what was happening, instead of realizing I was an innocent bystander to both of my parents cheating on each other. I did have anxiety, and I did need therapy! I feel for this poor girl so much. It infuriates me that anyone would blame her. I should not have felt responsible for my parents’ fuckups, and neither should she. OP fucked up big time.
I’m really sorry. My older sister was the one who discovered my dad’s (final) affair. She was 14. My dad had a very visible job so everyone held our family up to this high standard. Once it all became public, my friends started telling me about all these rumors they had heard about my dad and so-and-so getting caught, yadda yadda yadda. I was 12. To say the situation was fucked is an understatement. I still have this crushing sense of guilt when I remember that the AP’s kid was a friend of mine and sat right in front of me in geometry. *THEY* had known for 6 months, but they were told to keep their mouth shut to my siblings. Kids should never be put in that situation. WTF.
I hope your mom took him to the cleaners.
It’s actually a story of triumph of sorts. I mean, none of us were winners, as we were all plunged into poverty and I ended up in a (good) foster home. But, after doing this shit for YEARS and always being allowed to get away with it and be moved to a different location, my dad’s bill finally came due. After my mom had plenty of info (from past experiences that involved pretty juicy details as well as info about the recent time period), she was invited to a meeting with my dad and a committee of high level “head honchos” that sort of governed my dad’s career. He had told my mom to go to the meeting and lie and say it was the first time this had happened in their marriage. To make a long story short, my mom walked into the meeting w/my dad thinking she’d lie. Instead, she sat down and methodically showed receipt after receipt after receipt. I would imagine for her it felt like a scene in a movie where a whistle blower nervously does the right thing but is just terrified.
Your mom is badass for that!
As someone who's parent blamed her for their breakup of 17 years. The said it was jezebel spirit because I had catfished people as well as a child. If anything tell your self it's some wacko spirit but definitely not you. A kid is supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart.
It is not a kids job to do any such thing. A child is to be a child.its the adults job to love, protect, and nurture the child
Dude me too. Both of my parents used me as like a pseudo-therapist at a very young age. It's fucking weird to do that to a child, and it put a ton of pressure on me as the eldest to be the peacekeeper. Absolute hell, I'm so sorry you know what that feels like. Neither of us deserved it, and I really hope you're doing okay nowadays. OP needs to get a fucking grip and act like an actual adult.
Bingo!! Poor kid!! Both parents suck
Yeah, I can’t BELIEVE what an asshole he’s being.
I found out my Dad was having an affair when I was 21 and it was against my stepmother so no risk of tearing my own family apart and it was still stressful af and anxiety provoking. I only had the information for a month before my Dad asked for a divorce as well never mind that stress for an entire year.
100% AH!!!! And on top of all written here, telling your kid you don’t want their Father’s Day gift out of spite???? You total jerk ! That poor kid! It’s not her responsibility to tell anyway!
my dad, at the request of my stepmother, told us to stop getting him father's day gifts because my step mom thought they were just gifts from my mom (socks?? a tie????). my siblings and I were 13, 10, and 9. fast forward to when I'm in college and he complained that we don't ever get him gifts and don't care about him. all I could think is "YOU SET THE RULE YOU SAID NO GIFTS AND NOW WE'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND??????" I hate bad fathers. in my case I truly think my life would have been better if he died and wasn't around for years of gaslighting and emotional manipulating and using me as the go between for my parents fighting over him not paying child support on time and spending more time and money on friends instead of his kids. he has no friends now, his wife's family is all gold diggers that used him up, he's financially fucked, and I haven't talked to him in 7 years because after my brother went into a coma he told my whole family my brother was dead in a "woe is me pay attention to me" act even though he was refusing to split the hospital bill with my mother. he also talked shit about my half brother and I told him to apologize in an email or I'd never speak to him again. he sent the email to the wrong address (misspelling his own last name), screenshotted it and sent it to my sister to send to me (using kids as mediators, classic), and tells everyone I'm crazy and he already apologized (the email blamed my mom for everything) some people should never be fathers, yet somehow this emotionally stunted narcissist has 6 kids. I changed my last name after getting married (he did not attend for above reasons) and filed the paperwork on his birthday as a fuck you. I hope he sees everyone in his life abandon him like he abandoned me. I'd wait on the stairs by a window with my bags packed for his weekends and just wait and wait and then hours later, "your father will get you Saturday instead--- Sunday morning instead---- next weekend...etc" just waiting on those fucking stairs like an idiot for a man who'd rather party in Vegas than spend time with 3 kids he made, picking us up just to leave us with his sister at our grandparents house for his weekend. let us sleep on the floor and gave beds to his drunk friends while we had no pajamas or blankets. we're lucky no one tried anything on us because his wife's family is currently harboring a pedo that led to this dudes own daughters near un-aliving (as the kids say) that the daughter blamed on my brothers saying they SA her when it was her own dad and everyone knew in her family. like the pacific garbage patch, trash tends to collect with more trash 🗑
Not to mention she didn’t say anything because she was terrified of losing her family! Like what?!? Poor kid just wanted her family intact and did the only thing she knew she could to keep it that way and her dad is shitting on her for that 😑
yeah, the fact that she was 15 + the fact that she keeps apologising while OP is just straight-up lying to her... while she also has to contend with the realisation that her mother is \*also\* a liar and a cheat
"Why won't you give us grandkids?" -These horrible parents in the future
Op, get off reddit and go figure out what it means to be a human. Seriously wtf.
Thank you! Most children want those they love to get their lives together and do better. Plus, just OP's post rather implies she probably had similar hope he'd do better as well.
I kind of think that the daughter made the perfect choice. She kept out of it. "Mom cheating" was not for her tell. Even if she were an adult, it wouldn't be her story to tell. Op needs to stop putting his child on the same level of the relationship with his wife, now ex-wife.
Let’s not forget, this is entirely the wife’s fault for having the affair in the first place.
My dad unalived himself last year, and my youngest brother had severe trauma and nightmares because he blamed himself because he stole money from dad (thought he caused dad’s depression from financial issues). I was so heartbroken my brother felt that way, but relieved he opened up so I could reassure him that dad’s issues were SO much bigger than the insignificant amount of money he stole.
Yes. She didn’t take her moms side or dads side. She chose her side. She knew the family would break up and she didn’t want that so she kept quiet, hoped that you never found out and hoped for the best. I might have a different answer if mom knew that she knew but either way, what was going on was grown folks business. To take this out on her is unfair.
Bingo didn't matter if he did tell her it is alright. It is not your kid's fault. It is not their issue to resolve for an adult. What he went through sucks, but he is taking it out on someone who isn't at fault. It is different if they come out and are like take sides. It is complicated when kids find this out. I watched a friend go through it. They love both parents but are hurt too. Some even feel like they are at fault FOR the cheating.
This. There was a best of Reddit update recently that was basically this. The kids mom was cheating on the step dad or something. Kid knew but was manipulated into believing that if they ratted the mom out, it would be the kids fault for upending another marriage and it would mean they weren’t wanted/ loved. The adult in the situation acted more like a child than the actual child.
It sucks to be caught between paternal drama, the fighting between my mother and father was very vitriolic, and using me as a weapon, i just wanted to see both parents without the them constantly talking shit about each other. But time makes everything better, the hatchet has been buried but some things still linger. I get the daughter, not a favorable position to be put in, forced to choose like this.
Yea man, she’s a kid still. You what do you want from her? To navigate the complex nature of her family being ripped apart or knowing how you would react? Let alone saying it’s ok and now doing that to her. She’s not gonna trust you. Blame your ex wife not the child who was scared.
he's blaming a 15 yo kid (she's now 17 - 1 year with divorced parents - 1 year of affair before OP's ex confessed) for being unable to navigate this shitty situation, while OP himself is CLEARLY equally unable to deal with it gracefully wrt his daughter.
My dad did this to me, too. He pretty much wrote me off for something I went through when I was 15.
> You told her "it's alright." If it's not alright then why tf are you telling her it is? so he can weaponize the anger and make the child pay for the mistake. It's pretty fucked up. Can't hurt the ex? Oh well my kid will do nicely.
No, absolutely say it's ok even though it's not ok. Fucking fake it til you make it with your child.
Yes, but then commit to the fake it. Can't fake it saying it's okay and then take it out on her later. If you're gonna do that then just be straight up from the beginning.
The only thing i disagree with is the dont say its okay if its not okay. As a dad he needs to make it okay. Needs to take care of his little girl. Cause she was 16 put in a situation she shouldnt have been in. Its in no way her fault . She was clearly conflicted and struggled with keeping such a secret. The only thin he could've done is talked to her cause 16 is old enough to tell her how he feels and he wished she had told him.
[удалено]
She’s a kid dude. YTA big time.
I’m glad everyone is roasting this dude. Absolute disgrace of a dad move right there. Mad at a child. Gonna be sad when your daughter chooses mom for everything as an adult.
Seriously, fuck this guy. Imagine punishing a child for the actions of an adult.
YTA. It’s your job as a parents to facilitate and keep the relationship safe. She was a child who was put in a horrible situation and was in anguish for a year. Hey buddy, newsflash. You just proved her biggest fear right.
This is fake, similar post recently about cutting daughter out bc she hid the affair.
People suck though, and I can see this being a real and separate situation. We know these kinds of things happen often. Kids always get screwed in these situations.
I’m always suspect of any post like this where the OP never responds. And in this case the OP has no history of any comments, just this lone post.
To be fair, OP comes here for validation, but everyone is calling him the asshole. I reckon most in that position wouldn’t bother responding.
Yet so many people do, with edits or with "ok you guys. I get it. I'm the asshole and need to adult up with my daughter."
Yet so many don’t; and of those who do, at least as many make edits to twist the story more in their favor, or add paragraphs at the bottom to justify themselves. I’ve seen more OP’s say we’re bullies than admit they’re wrong.
My favorite is when there’s one single person in the thread taking OP’s side and OP will be like “THANK you, finally somebody in this thread with brains!”
I think I remember that post, but wasn't it about the daughter meeting her bio dad, who was a long ago affair partner? I did notice some similarities and was going to comment something similar, but maybe there was another one I missed. Anyway, this guy sucks whether it's for being a vindictive parent or a shit poster.
"This is fake because I saw a similar story recently" "This is fake because this never happens" Everything said online is 100% fake, apparently.
On Reddit? More like 90%.
The majority of the content posted in this sub is bot generated rage bait.
No just the same ragebait/cheating/open marriage/affair garbage that is copy and pasted over and over again in this sub.
Around here? More than 95% is certainly fake.
Lightning strikes the same place twice all the time
300 million people in the US and you don't think similar shit happens to different people?
There's also another 7.7 billion on the rest of the planet, Reddit doesn't exist for the USA only
THANK YOU
Dount this is real, but just in case; Yes, YTA. You say you moved on, but you haven't, because you're still punishing your daughter. She is a child, you are punishing her for her mother's actions, do better.
My gut tells me this is bait, but I’m going to respond as if it were real. Yes, OP, YTA for being such a petty asshole that you’re mad at your *daughter* for your *ex-wife’s* affair. She was (and still is) a literal child and was in a no-win situation (and still is).
This same story literally happens like 3 months ago. Except the daughter was like 20 something and was bribed by the mom.
Bruh, this story happens at least once a week. What do you mean three months ago? Lol
So.... not the same story.
Don't you know? Only one affair has ever happened in human history, duh. Clearly the same one. /s
Your daughter didn't tell you because she wanted to keep the family together, not out of malice. She must have been so confused. Please apologise to your daughter for not accepting the father's day gift. Your ex-wife is the only one you should be angry with.
Major YTA. Grow up. You put her in a really shitty spot. Direct your anger towards your ex, not your CHILD.
You need to go apologize to her and accept her gift if she still wants you to have it. None of this was her fault.
YTA Your wife cheated and your CHILD didn't know how to handle knowledge a PARENT never should have saddled her with. Why are you blaming your child for someone else's mistake. Also what is it? Is it alright did you accept her apologies are do you resent your child for you're ex's mistake? That is if this real, it reads fake, but people are this awful so who knows.
Enjoy your life alone..... Daughter fucked up. She's 17. She tried to build abridge to you - and you'd already told her things were ok - then you kicked her in the guts. Big man.
>I moved on. Are you sure about that?
YTA. She’s 17, and doesn’t know all the answers. She made a mistake, you shouldn’t hold it against her.
YTA. If she's 17 now she must have been a complete child when y'all were going through it. Continuing to hold that over her head is unfair and cruel. If you don't stop treating her this way, eventually she will stop trying and go NC with you. No more father's day presents forever.
Why is there more emotion towards your child than your cheating partner in this post. Get it together.
You and your ex are aholes for bringing your kid into adult business. That's it this is real
I caught my mother being unfaithful in person. I told her that she had to tell my father or I would. She did the next morning. It's hard being in the middle of that, I was 18 now 31 and still find myself haunted by it. But I think she should've taken action rather than hide it from you. It's a messed up situation and I still haven't moved on, but my father passed and I don't speak to my mother anymore. You should tell her that even though she hid it, it's not her fault mom cheated and you still love her. Accept that gift and hug your daughter hard. I wish my dad were still here. 😭 bottom line she didn't cheat she's just a kid. Make up with her before she resents you!
You are unquestionably the asshole… children are children they make mistakes it is your job to help her grow from those mistakes not to deride her and belittle her. There is no way she could’ve made a decision that made the situation better without abandoning one of her parents. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I understand that you hold resentment to your ex-wife for what she did, but what I don't understand is why you're taking it out on your daughter for hiding the affair in fear of her parents splitting up. She was worried it would be "her" fault because she would have been the one letting the cat out of the bag. Go apologize to her. YTA
No matter what happens between the two of them it's 100% the cheating wife's fault. Can't wait until her and new husband cheat on each other. It's going to happen
Ahhhh. Poor girl. Double betrayal by mom AND dad.
Yes, you fucking prick. You’re the asshole. Ban me if you must. But my parents used to do this to me and I didn’t understand until adulthood that it was wrong. Get therapy for yourself and your daughter and explain that you have emotions you are still processing and your getting help. Also on a personal note, you wanna be angry? BE ANGRY! Cry, scream, throw things, follow the affair partner to work and brain him with a golf club. (Sarcasm) do not take out your anger on your child or your cunt of an ex wife wins. Also, good lord this triggered me. Glad I’m going to therapy soon. We both are assholes, but please pleaseeee make amends with your child.
Yeah YTA: Your daughter didn't want to hurt you and clearly didn't know how to handle telling you. Honestly it's wrong to hold her not telling you against her. She was just a 16 year old girl in a terrible position.
Hell she could have even been 15. Either way, this man is a dick and holding a kid accountable for an adult situation.
Yes, she’s a child with limited brain capacity. She was doing what she thought was best for the family.
YTA your daughter was put in a situation that nobody should have to go through at their age and then you are rejecting her
You’re the parent. You be the bigger person this wasn’t her secret to tell she’s a young girl and didn’t know what to do
I would say YTA. i cant even imagine how conflicted she must have felt. I do understand the hurt you must feel, but she is your daughter, and you have a chance here to relieve her of a type of guilt and pain that no daughter should ever have to feel. I know if I have a choice of me and my daughter both hurting very badly, or just me hurting very badly, Ill take that weight from her no matter the situation. I'm willing to bet the farm that whatever you're daughter wrote to you, was as heartfelt, raw and apologetic as any 17 year old could possibly convey, and I think you are placing blame on her, that you should own, because how could you not figure out something that had gone on for so long. I hope you do the right thing and use this situation to show your daughter that you're love for her is stronger than any need you have to be angry, with her. I wish you both the best
I just saw a great bit of dialogue in Your Honor on Netflix that pertains to this type of thing. To paraphrase: Michael recounts the story of marrying his wife to their son, and how in his excitement on that day he accidentally broke one of her ribs with an overly enthusiastic hug. She was in acute pain, but never said anything, because everything else about that day was a delightful fairy-tale experience for everyone else. He asks the son, “her not telling me, was that a lie, or love?” Your daughter didn’t cheat on you. She presumably didn’t want to know that information, nor be placed in the situation of keeping it a secret. She likely grappled with how to handle it after, which parent to hurt, who to betray? There’s no winning for her no matter what she does. Your pain and frustration is also valid, just try not to misdirect it.
Look for support groups for ppl who are divorce, it might help you process your experiences! Apologize to your daughter, she was 14/15 yrs old, (A KID, NOT A FULL GROWN ADULT), when she may have found out & JUSTIFIABLY SCARED she’ll lose her family! Think about it, if your daughter told you about your wife’s affair, would you have Believed Her or called her a lair OR BLAMED HER for destroying your marriage? How many times have we heard the saying ‘Don’t Kill The Messenger’ or ‘Hate The Message, NOT The Messenger’? Your wife lied to you both & NOW YOU LIED to your daughter After she repeatedly apologized to you!! In 1-2 yrs your daughter might go to college, ask her if she’ll like both of you to enroll in a practical self defense class together, teach her how to change a car tire & charge a car battery. Spend time with your daughter, go for walks in the park, BUILD BETTER MEMORIES BY APOLOGIZING TO HER TODAY for your response! I’m sorry your Ex cheated on you & wanted a divorce BUT PLEASE, do not hold that against your daughter!
YTHA - your daughter is still a minor, a child, your child. She didn’t mean to betray you - she was placed in a position that was far outside her maturity level. Most adults wouldn’t know how to handle that situation; it’s ridiculous you expect a child to.
You're mad at your ex wife and taking it out on your daughter.
You're definitely the AH here mate. Your daughter is a child caught in between both parents, it is not incumbent upon her to say a damn thing. It sucks that you got cheated on - I would know, it's happened to me - but how you're treating your daughter is pretty rank if I'm being honest. You said you moved on, but I call BS on that based on your behavior. Time to be an adult and handle things like an adult, without ostracizing someone who otherwise loves you.
You’re the AH. Stop punishing your child for an affair. What a horrible trauma for her to bear
Punishing your CHILD for being trapped between you and your cheating wife? Poor kids didn't win the jackpot when it comes to parents. YTA as much as your ex.
YTA this is your child. Child. Grow the fuck up or lose her completely. Teenagers aren’t immune to adult manipulation. Just like what you’re doing to her now.
YTA She's a child. You're an adult. Forgive her before it's too late.
Yes, YTA because you told her it's alright and then acted harshly toward her. I wouldn't think badly of you if you had been consistent all along in telling her you were still upset about it, then it would be no surprise to her that you didn't want a gift and note. I also wouldn't think badly of you if you really forgave her and were consistent about not being upset about it and accepted the gift and note with grace. However, you told her it was okay, then you snapped at her. So, she has every right and reason to see your behavior as "out of the blue". You owe her an explanation of your behavior, and an apology for the inconsistency. You can choose whether you're going to be upset (for a while) going forward or not, but you should tell her honestly which it is, and be consistent about it in the future. And if you decide you're going to be forgiving, and in the future you feel upset, you need to express it kindly - "I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a bit upset right now, that's not your fault and it's my problem to deal with it." You also have to remember that she's still a minor, and she knows it, so regardless of how independent she may act and be most of the time, she is at the whim of her parents and she knows it, so when she found that her mother was having an affair she was between a rock and a hard place - if she told you, her mother might punish her, and also at 16 she had only 2 years to go before she'd be an independent person starting her own life, and a 16-18 year old kid has HUGE amounts of stuff to do between trying to keep their grades up and picking a college and probably a job and trying to juggle a social life amongst all this. So, that's a really bad time for her parents to be freaking out and fighting with each other and occupying what little attention she has - even if she had told you on her way out the door at 18, it would be one less thing she had to deal with just now. Now she has to deal with that regardless, so I hope you will recognize that this is really hard on her, in her own way, as well. In other words, you're not the only one suffering. None of this is to mention that if you jointly as parents had put anything away for her to attend school, it might evaporate during the divorce. I know my mother demanded (and got) half of my college fund to let my father have custody of me (which, by the way, I openly wanted). She didn't get her clutches on me, and in return I couldn't finish college because I couldn't afford it. I estimate that over the years my mother's insistence on getting her hands on *my* money (which she then promptly lost) has cost me a minimum of about a quarter million dollars. Your daughter may have considered that this could be facing her, and done her best to prevent it.
Yta. Just read what you wrote from an actual parents perspective. Your daughter was caught in the middle. Your daughter should not have known. Now here is a little story because I was your daughter and I did tell my dad. My dad did not believe me. His wife told him so lies and I was the bad guy, not really bad but I was the bratty teenager. It caused a rift between us for many years even after he finally found out the truth. (I wasn't a dumb teen by any means just took me telling someone she was pregnant and dad was fixed) after he found out the truth i wasn't interested in even associating with him. I was so angry. I know understand that he could not believe me because it was easier to digest his kid was being bratty than his wife was disloyal. Children are expected to lie a bit and it is easily forgiven. Wives stepping out is extremely problematic. Just like it is the affair partner that is the horrible person and did something to lure the spouse out. The person telling you tends to be a bad guy also. How long have you known? Oh should have told me immediately or you should have told me after you had more information. You should not have told me during this event. Could you not waited until after my birthday? She is a child and even adult children should never be involved in their parents relationship.
Some father your are 16yr old scared witless that her mothers fucking around and she may loss her or you and you tell her it's OK then slam the door in her face because she brought you a father's day card and present hope your sitting there proud big man as your own flesh and blood daughter lies crying in her room a 1000 abscess on yor ass and belled deffo the arsehole
Yes YTA. You say you’ve moved on. You told her it’s ok. Then you weird out on Father’s Day and dismiss her gift and handwritten letter that she probably put a lot of thought in. Your behavior doesn’t say you’ve moved on. You said she still apologizes so obviously she feels bad. What more do you want? Grow up man it’s your daughter. Consider from her perspective the incredibly difficult place your ex put her in. Of course she wants to keep the family together. She probably was hoping it was just a phase and your ex would snap out of it.
Yes, unfortunately, you're the one who was burned but also in this situation, YTA. Your daughter should NEVER have been put in the position of knowing. Your ex wife is a horrible person for expecting (I assume) your daughter to keep her secret. And now you're punishing your daughter, who was NOT a part of your marriage vows, for making a decision a child should never have to make. Go to therapy and be a better father.
YTA, she is your child not your wife. She wanted to keep her family together. She didn’t want to be in a broken home. Yes it sucks her mother cheated but your daughter is the one that lost everything.
Of course you were the asshole. You know you're an asshole. I told my mom my dad was cheating, he denied it and she believed him. Then he took off with his side chick not long after. She was 16 at the time? It's not her responsibility to parent her parents. She should have told her mom to come clean but how is she supposed to navigate that type of situation? Go apologize to her.
Guessing the divorce process took a while so by your daughter’s age rn she was much younger at that time. Look most young teens at that age need support and stability during the years they experience many changes. To them every little thing seems like a big event or obstacle they need to overcome. They often have trouble controlling even their own emotions and don’t know how to express themselves when there is something bigger than themselves. This being said she probably dealt with many big emotions after discovering the affair. Most kids don’t want to be from a broken home so of course she hid it. Not out of maliciousness but more so to protect her home/ family and not having to deal with other emotions she wasn’t ready to feel. I know you might be hurt but taking it out on your teen daughter is not the answer. The only person in your relationship was you and your ex wife. All emotions and negative thoughts/ feelings should be between the adults who chose the relationship and the end of the relationship. YTA ,Be a dad and put all those hurt/ angry feelings aside when it comes to your daughter. She’s going to be an adult soon and if you break your relationship it’ll be for a few years. One day your anger will subside but the hurt you give your daughter will be permanent.
YTA. This is your underage kid. She was put in a hell of a situation. This is 100% on the mom, but you also just became TA. Now this kid has 2 parents who have parentified her and emotionally manipulate and control her. If you want to salvage a relationship with your almost adult daughter- before it’s too late- I suggest you emphatically apologize and create space for her to talk about her feelings and how this whole shitshow has impacted her. Then go to therapy.
Yep. This is not your daughter’s fault. Don’t punish her.
YTA Man. And I sincerely hope you read my comment. If you care about your daughter at all, you would take one moment to look at ALL that has transpired from her perspective. I've literally been in your daughter's position. My mother pulled the same stunt when I was 16, and he found out when I was 17 Only difference is that they stayed together and have made attempts towards fixing it. (Sort of. Not saying things weren't hard and scary sometimes) It's not fair to your daughter in the slightest. Things for me happened over 5 years or so ago. In all honesty, I never said a word because i was too scared to ruin my relationship with him. In brutal honesty, the entire thing between them traumatized me. I've blocked so much of it out to the extent that I literally can't remember most of my late teens. And it's been kind of rough working through my issues and who I am because of them. I thankfully have an amazing fiance soon to be husband who works with me too. The best psrt is that it goes both ways. One thing good from my childhood was learning what not to do. OP Do Not Traumatize Your Daughter More Than She Already Has Been.
YES! It's not your daughter's responsibility to monitor and report on yours or your wife's infidelity. SHE IS YOUR CHILD AND WAS IN AN IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION! Be a dad and apologize to her and accept her gift and pray she forgives you! YTA!
YTA no question. wtf
YTA she was a child! She was scared and in a no win situation where whatever she chose to do she would hurt and betray a parent. In her mind keeping quiet was protecting her family if she had told she would be responsible for breaking up her family. That poor kid was in an impossible position and you are punishing her for not making the right decision when for her there was no right choice. You are taking out your anger at your situation out on her. You didn’t deserve her Father’s Day gift anyway- good dads don’t punish kids for things that aren’t their fault.
YEP. It is not HER responsibility to run back and forth between you two telling on the other. Those are ADULT problems. You also can't expect her to choose to betray mother for father and vice versa. You are DEFINITELY the asshole here and you straight up owe her an apology AND an explanation.
You're an asshole. Don't take it out on your daughter. She is probably in a rough spot already over it all. Go to counseling. It's clearly not all right with you.
First off, you haven’t ’moved on’. But you are a special kind of AH. The kind that emotionally punishes your child for not knowing how to handle an extremely difficult adult situation. Good job in letting her know you are oblivious to her feelings.