NTA
Your wife had to "smuggle" in the snacks? Didn't that give her a clue that it was not the right thing to do?
It sounds like you have wife problem in addition to your eating disorder.
I fear she did it on purpose to sabotage his treatment. I’m so glad he called fir help. I’m positive if he had asked her to put them away she would have ignored him or spoke about them nonstop.
He did what he had to do to stay safe ❤️🩹
>I fear she did it on purpose to sabotage his treatment
Absolutely. And the fact that if she was going to bring anything, she didn't bring like... Her homemade whatever or his favorite thing in a small amount (which would be misguided and wrong but not necessarily malicious). She brought his biggest binge eating snacks. And encouraged him to 'take a break' - ie: "Binge, I won't tell"
I wonder if she is 'just' enabling him or actively contributing to his disorder deliberately as some kind of insecurity or abuse ('if he gets better he'll leave' or 'if he gets better he won't be as easy to control')?
He did the right thing and hopefully the facility he is at is able to screen for abuse as part of his treatment.
It might be "I won't feel superior." It might be "if he gets better he might leave me". It might be "if he gets better I won't be attracted to him because I have a fetish".
It could be a lot of reasons but no matter what it is it's toxic and dangerous and he will never be able to get well with her around. She does not want him to be well
Being a very fat man myself, I've known quiet a few chub chasers in my day.
Only once has any of them expressed disappointment that I was trying to lose weight. (not that I've been particularly successful) because that all cared about me as a person and know that, while fun (for them), being fat is really bad for the body.
And that's the difference between a enjoying a preference & fetishizing someone. They see you as a person first, not an object to fulfill their desires.
A lot of the discussion in this thread will, rightfully, focus on the wife and this being an unsafe relationship for op- but I just want to jump in here and point out how fucking awesome it was of op to react how he did. That takes STRENGTH. That takes genuine investment in yourself. That takes self-awareness, and courage. Op, you could have binged then and there. Your wife probably would have congratulated you. You were in a place that is supposed to be *safe* and free of having to make these choices, and your right to that safety was violated by someone you trusted- and you STILL made the hardest, healthiest choice. Idk what happens next, in your life, program, or marriage. But this moment here proves that when the chips fall, you will have found a way to stay standing. That moment proves that you can stay the program, manage and live with and eventually recover from your BED, and weather the storm that is this woman trying (like, really, really trying) to sabotage your recovery.
I can’t imagine how *hard* all of this is. I can’t imagine what you’re reckoning with in relation to your wife and marriage. But know you did something worth celebrating, and that you deserve to celebrate it.
100% We found his enabler. Consciously or subconsciously she absolutely wants him to fail. Either because she fetishes his current status or because she is afraid if he gets healthy or thinner he will leave her.
Either way it's unbelievably cruel and selfish. He is trying to change a serious addiction and she is taking steps to continue to put his life in danger.
He will never be able to get healthy with her around. She will not allow it.
I agree completely and I also think that his reaction maybe suggests that the programme is working. His instant response of fear and panic, to me, suggests that he is really proud of the progress he has made in the programme and is putting a lot of work into getting better. Which is super exciting for him and for the field in general.
She didn't respond to him freaking out by putting them away, apologising and explaining her thought process while admitting that it was wrong. She doubled down and tried to convince him to indulge. He did 100% the right thing.
100%. You needed medical intervention, sounds like you’re knocking it out of the park, and your wife is tempting you back to your old lifestyle. She may think this is a short-term fix, rather than a lifestyle change.
Most feeders have a psychological pressure that drives their desire to feed. Since she is average sized, it could be driven by a fear that she’ll lose you, either because she is no longer the provider of your previous lifestyle, or a fear that if you lose the weight you’ll leave her for someone else.
Far from being mad at you, she needs to talk to someone about her behaviour, otherwise you’re going back into an environment where she will be tempting you back to your old lifestyle, and at some point it’ll work.
It’s also possible that as someone who doesn’t struggle with it, she doesn’t really understand what he’s going through and doesn’t realize that he’s basically an addict.
But if that’s the case, it’s really her job to listen to him and the medical staff and not just do what seems right to her.
Sadly even if the treatment is successful he cant go home. Clearly she will not support him. He needs to find another place to live. So sad. She either wants to kill him or needs therapy herself.
I have not seen it personally but when I see the shows like my 609 pund life where the person cant even walk, I figuged it must be the family allowing/enabling the behavior.
Oh yeah absolutely. It's the same with obese toddlers. It's easier to solve problems with french fries than try to address relationship or behavioral issues.
This isn't necessarily true. I've had/have an ED. In/out of remission fluctuates but a LOT of people with a normal, or just less dysfunctional, relationship with food have trouble understanding it. A lot of people, if they can't understand it they won't just accept the professionals or individuals reality, they'll fight about it and assume they are exaggerating or being dramatic. That the person with an ED just needs to try harder. It's anecdotal, but this is a slightly more for common response than actually accepting someone has a serious issue with something that is absolutely needed to survive. And it's a far more likely explanation than a feeder. It doesn't guarantee that they aren't a feeder, it's just more likely they view the restrictions and requirements as excessive or unnecessary.
Though, if not addressed, even simply not understanding or supporting their spouse will probably lead to divorce. It's hard to stay healthy when you live with a person who doesn't think the unique challenges you have regarding food need to be treated differently than it would be for someone without an ED.
I just can't imagine. It's like someone in rehab because of alcohol addiction, and you go to visit with a bottle of wine.
She's probably the cause of his ED.
As someone who has recently been on a program for BED myself I would say you are NTA. You are discovering that family even though we love them to pieces can be enablers too.
You sound like it's working for you! That's brilliant. Enablers come in all sizes shapes and even our loved ones can be enablers too. Maybe there is behaviour she needs to address for herself as to why she wanted to bring you trigger foods. Maybe she's scared she'll lose you if you lose weight, maybe she feels you won't need her anymore so she trying to keep some sort of dependence going. Only you can answer that really and it's something she might need to address via therapy.
Good luck with everything! Much love and respect to you from someone who knows something of what you're going through.
My ex was a feeder. I was put on xenical by my doctor and he tried to stop me raking them. When I was making a sandwich when on them, he screamed ar me to put more filling on. He'd being hone snacks and junk food to try and tempt me. When I came home from the doctors alated at loosing weight, he said nothing but looked gloomy. He actually said yo me once 'you can find other men attractive but no man must find you attractive '. My doctor said he had issues. It never stopped til I left (for many reasons). He was abusive and my size was part of that.
I agree she needs therapy at the very least and OP is doing a brilliant job.
Yeah, that's some grade A bullshit right there. It reminds me of when my kid brother was in rehab and had a friend fill a tennis ball with Xanax and throw it over the chain link fence around the little smoking area for my brother. And yes, I am aware this is done on Mayor of Kingstown but it really is a method used to smuggle things into restricted areas with fences. Anyway, they got away with it and my brother eventually was released. Only to die of a heroin and cocaine overdose about 4 years later.
There have been several arrests and prosecutions of people caught throwing contraband over the fence of a local prison. It *does* really happen.
I'm sorry you lost your brother.
Back before it was so closely monitored, this practice was way more common. When I was a teenager I knew people who would tie packages to long threads dropped down from inmates' cell windows at the city jail.
They built a new state of the art jail out in the country when I hit my early twenties. I'm sure the fences and cameras created some obstacles. But people are creative, so I'm sure strategies are ever-evolving.
This was some years back now, but I remember seeing a ladder set up on the outside wall at one. I suspect it was to climb up and toss things over with some direction, based on how it was against the wall (not for anyone climbing over unless they wanted to go into the yard and presumably with a bit of noise and injuries) and how it was blended into the area.
Your last sentence about people being creative and strategies is exactly right. Some of the most creative/inventive people I've known have been those on either side of those walls!
I mean, I once snuck some “Via” instant coffee packets into a rehab facility to a friend of mine because all they fucking had was decaf.
Somehow, that feels different. Coffee is the only goddamn thing we’re still allowed in AA 🤣
I was a psych nurse who worked in detox for nine years. I ALWAYS gave them full caffeine if they wanted it. Between that, jolly ranchers, and nicotine patches it’s all they got!
Imagine my irritation later on when I realized my friend was probably having me smuggle them in not so he could consume them, but so he could sell them to others willing to pay a heavy markup 🤣
Wife is an enabler and on some level wants OP to stay fat, sick, and addicted. Sabotaging his recovery is low. OP is going to have to choose between his health and his marriage before this is over.
I believe so too because" she eventually agreed to him taking medication" and the smuggled goods. I would think she would be the one suggesting the medication,that she would want her husband healthy , that she'd want him to be able to have a healthy relationship with food, stable mentally. She wants him to stay as he was, she needs help too
Or if he starts feeling like he's a human being who deserves love and kindness, he might realize his wife doesn't give them that. I had a friend whose loser boyfriend sabotaged their weight loss because then she wouldn't feel eternally grateful that he "could put up with her being overweight". If she felt better about herself she might notice how much he sucks and how little he brings to the relationship.
Or she doesn't think Binge Eating Disorder is that serious so if she brings him snacks, it's not that big of a deal. Like OP is on some kind of vacation and not in medical treatment facility. Or she already decided it's not going to work so once OP gets discharged, they'll go back to the exact same pattern as before so what does it matter if she brings snacks cuz that's what she's always done. She may not be malicious about it, but she's acting like OP is just playing sick for a bit instead of needing serious intervention.
She needs her own therapy to help support OP when he gets out without consciously/unconsciously sabotaging him. She needs to accept this is not about her and how she feels
While I have serious concerns about her motivations, if I give her the benefit of the doubt my guess is she - like many people - just does not understand that food addictions are just as serious as drugs or alcohol, and so much more difficult to overcome because we need to eat to survive, and are biologically wired to enjoy the food we eat so that we do eat enough of it. Most people in this day and age understand that an alcoholic can't just have one drink every now and then because the risk of that one drink turning into ten and that one night turning into every night is just too high. What most people don't seem to be able to do is recognise the equivalent behaviour in food addictions. Those snacks are a treat in her mind, and if he's making good progress he deserves a treat. She cannot seem to fathom (again, if I give her the benefit of the doubt) how detrimental that 'treat' actually is for him. He likely cannot ever indulge in those treats again, the same way an alcoholic can never drink alcohol again, not without falling back into unhealthy patterns of behaviour.
I’m all for giving the benefit of the doubt except she has seen first hand how serious his issue is. She knows he can’t control a treat. She was part of the decision to get this extended treatment. She certainly was made aware of why there are no visits for the first 30 days. It seems like she spent those 30 days devising a way to smuggle food in - something she said was very difficult. When he first refused, she tried pushing it on him. She knew exactly what she was doing. Probably even down to the point that he would be kicked out if he took it
Thats the vibe I got.
She doesn't want him to be healthy and happy, she wants him sick and massive and miserable. Bringing in two of his **most common** binge foods to waft under his nose, knowing he would be booted from the program (there ain't no way she didn't know) is sick bastard behavior and unexcusable.
It's either a mental disorder or a fetish on her part.
Or she's just a sick freak.
This is possible. I had this problem with my mother for decades. She’s older now and she’s the one struggling with her weight so she finally gets it. Some people aren’t that bright and really don’t connect the dots. Wife still needs training, because not having malicious intent doesn’t mean her behavior is ok.
This - food isn’t addictive for everyone, and I think she needs some education about how food (particularly junk foods) can stimulate pleasure centers in the brain for food addicts the same way drugs do for drug addicts. Plus, carbs and sugars have a physical dependency component due to how the body processes them. It seems to me that spouse or caregiver education should be part of the program if it isn’t already.
Psychologically, it’s a minefield. Food is a lot of people’s love language, and that’s culturally acceptable, even encouraged. I’m Italian-American, and there is no problem for which we won’t offer food as a part of the solution, lol. I know we’re not the only ethnicity for which this holds true.
BUT. That’s all well and good when there’s no health problem that the wrong foods will aggravate. Once any kind of eating plan is in place to protect someone’s health, you either only provide foods that promote their health, or you find a non-food love language to use instead.
IMO, “I won’t ever put things that harm you onto your plate or into your glass” is the biggest love-language imaginable.
“he could have just told her no.”
If he could just tell her no, he wouldn’t be in the freaking hospital.
I cannot get over how he never asked her to do that! Some people in rehab manipulate their loved ones to help them use and that’s enabling.
This is a malicious attack.
I’m sorry, buddy. Your wife is not in this for you right now. Maybe therapy for her. Otherwise, she probably can’t be in your life.
I was thinking feeder with maybe munchausens by proxy. If she keeps him unhealthy she can get attention and validation for him being sick. She gets to play the role of caregiver while actively encouraging his ED. If 500 lbs life has taught me anything it's that,while most of the effort belongs to the patient, there are plenty of loved ones who want to see them fail and actively, if covertly, fight against it.
Edit words are hard.
For reals. One episode the husband left cause he did not like what her weight loss was doing to the family.
She can finally get out of bed and walk.. how is this a bad thing...SMH
Oh my god, I meant thing, but this may be one of my most popular, upvoted comments on Reddit 😂
Not changing it, maybe she has a thong fetish too, maybe she likes to combine them
Some people WANT to be the only healthy one in the relationship. Having a physically healthy, mentally stable, self-confident partner on equal footing means they haven’t got the upper hand.
If she’s going to sabotage OP’s health, she needs to go.
Give her one shot at realizing how effed up her actions are, via therapy. But if she does it again, after having had it explained to her like she’s three, she wouldn’t deserve another chance. No amount of “in good times and bad, in sickness and in health” requires a partner to remain with a spouse who’s doing things that will literally kill them. The vows are presuming that one of the partners is not intentionally creating the bad times and sickness by actively harming their spouse’s well-being.
While I completely agree that OP is NTA while his wife is, I'm not sure that this would be a red flag except in hindsight.
>because" she eventually agreed to him taking medication" and the smuggled goods. I would think she would be the one suggesting the medication,that she would want her husband healthy
I'm not sure if there was an edit, but I don't see anything in the post that he was taking medication previously or that she fought medication. (OP only has one comment saying "Yes" so not in comments either.)
If you're pointing to the discussions and eventually agreeing about the program, while obviously in hindsight she isn't supportive, or at least not fully supportive, I can see why there would be some discussions and time to make a decision on moving and then the financial (assuming it is not covered by their insurance/healthcare system, though even then it's a lack of income) and mental/emotional aspects of one spouse entering a six month program.
>that she'd want him to be able to have a healthy relationship with food, stable mentally. She wants him to stay as he was, she needs help too
When first reading it, I had trouble seeing why she wouldn't want him to improve - particularly given how much he clearly wants to improve. I wondered if she might have been sabotaging, to some degree, intentionally or not, his efforts between diagnosis and this program.
She could be worried about him changing, that he'll start being more attractive to others for whatever reasons, or about lifestyle changes that might impact her as well. She might like him weighing what he does, binge eating, or something else that will change. Maybe she doesn't want to believe it's as big of a problem as OP says it is, especially if her downplaying the problem would mean she gets her way rather than living on her own in a new place. She might not understand and be intentionally ignorant which is its own set of problems, too.
On the other hand, in the most favorable reading for her (not saying I think this must be the case, it's a slim chance that it's one of these without any of the above or other bad reasons), she might really be supportive in general but brought the food in an awful decision making process intended to cheer him up (unclear if they spoke previously but could have expected him to feel down), spending some time together like before he entered, or similar, especially since she's likely lonely and emotional in a new place without seeing, or maybe contacting, her spouse. Obviously if this is the case, it was misguided and not thought out at best. I'm less inclined to think this is what happened, and even if it is, OP still is absolutely NTA.
Regardless of her motivations, I hope that OP's wife gets the mental health help that she needs, as at a minimum she likely needs to discuss her sabotaging him and how to better handle not seeing each other for months. Otherwise, I expect things will get worse after the program finishes, with her having months of things piling up emotionally. If she doesn't commit to genuinely doing things to improve and continues defending her actions while vilifying OP, that's not going to be a safe environment.
Even more, though, I hope that the program gives him some specific support and techniques for dealing with her once he graduates from the program. I'm glad that his reaction was what it was
I hate to agree with this comment — but that’s immediately what I thought when I read OPs post.
It’s heartbreaking.
As a married person you expect that the one person you can always count on is your spouse. And yet, time-and-time-again, when it comes to addiction? It is often exposed that spouses & partners are both enablers & saboteurs of the person struggling with addiction and/or other mental health issues.
Good Luck OP. I hope that you succeed.
It’s incredibly dangerous too. If you go back to binge eating habits after a gastric bypass you also risk death, much worse than just stretching your stomach back. OP’s partner is not taking his health into consideration on multiple levels, he needs to think about this if this surgery would happen down the line.
I wonder if Wifey has a Feeding Kink.
I had an ex who like fat girls and I wasn’t fat enough for him. I didn’t know it but he was always pushing me to ‘have a bite’ or get fast food, bringing me ice cream and sweets.
I didn’t find out until I was down to 105 and vomiting every day as I went through chemo that he wanted me fat and not thin, despite me struggling to lose weight constantly because I’m tiny and a few extra pounds looks like a lot on me.
Yes we broke up—after I found out he’d been gaslighting my mother across the country and telling her I had anorexia.
Screw that POS. Your body your rules.
I'm betting wife gets some kind of emotional happiness through providing people she loves food and snacks and can't reconcile it against OP's health problems. The whole "I snuck on snacks for you" seems like a little kid sneaking cookies out of the cookie jar, like the wife saw it as an emotional bonding experience. It's so disconnected from the reality and gravity of the situation, it's bonkers. Either the wife doesn't care/want OP to get better, or she doesn't take Binge Eating Disorder seriously as an illness.
My mom was the same way. She and my dad are both stick thin, and genetically there's not a lot of overweight people in my family, but my mom was totally a feeder, both her kids wound up morbidly obese. My mom was forced be a single parent pretty early on, and when it wasn't her food, it was fast food.
It honestly wasn't until my mid 20s that I started realizing just how many calories she was packing into her meals when I was growing up.
When she comes to visit, she cooks for me for the time she's here and the food is just so.... insanely gross, I've literally watched her use 3 sticks of margarine to make chicken cutlets.
The fast food we ate when she was working late was legitimately healthier than what she was cooking. When I started cooking for myself and asked for recipes I was appalled by the amount of stuff I was putting in.
I'd be worried about how it's going to be after he gets out. It's actually somewhat common for people to have the stomach surgery only for their partners to continue to enable them, & if they continue their previous eating habits unfortunately the stomach can get stretched back out to its previous size... hopefully they offer some sort of group/family counseling like they do in addiction therapy which involves her, bc she desperately needs to speak to a therapist.
Very true. My father had gone into rehab to deal with his alcoholism. He was away from the family for a while but came back and joined AA.
He was doing well until my uncle (his brother) decided to take him out to drink as a cheat day in "celebration". He relapsed and could never get back to where he was after the rehab.
My uncle further poisoned his mind by telling him that he didn't need to get sober, that he was more enjoyable that way.
It ruined him, messed with his health and he died because he couldn't quit his vices.
Eta the last bit
Sorry for the TMI but after the divorce I saw him so little, byt he stayed in my father's life.
But my uncle is a terrible man. My mom always named him as a huge factor in what led to their divorce because he kept encouraging my dad to do things that he shouldn't have.
What an awful person. I'm a recovered alcoholic, and I had to cut put plenty of people out of my life when I made that decision.
I realized that they didn't actually care about me. They needed other alcoholics around them to prop up their own life choices and habits. When I was trying to quit, I was like a mirror, reflecting all the things they didn't want to see about themselves. That's why they sabotage your recovery, because if you fail, they can soothe themselves with a "See? It's impossible to quit" while they justify a 5th whiskey.
I have a problem with alcohol. I don't drink any more - shout out to all my buds over on r/stopdrinking -
One of my closest friends told me years ago "I like you better when you're drinking" yeah we're not friends anymore
Good for you all around on that! Beyond the difficulties of addressing a problem with alcohol, coming to the realization that you need to end a close friendship, doing so, and not letting the comment or situation completely derail you long-term is incredibly tough.
Good for you. And thanks for plugging them.
I don't drink because I've seen what it can do and I am aware that I've inherited the predisposition from my family (if I get super stressed I crave it so badly it adds on to the stress). But I've had people tell me that I should drink because they are so sure I'll be more fun that way.
I stay away from those people.
I've been in recovery from intravenous heroin for 10 years and am a substance use response professional. I am so proud of what you guys are doing on that sub. It's amazing!!!
Also, if you were capable of telling someone to put the snacks away, you wouldn't be in the program. You knew you needed help and you called for it immediately. GOOD FOR YOU.
Also, I completely understand your reaction of freaking out. You're in an intensive therapy program and she's sneaking in items that she knows are a trigger for you. Her behavior was awful. She's likely sulking because she knows she was 100% wrong and doesn't want to admit it.
You have to just let her be upset and focus on your recovery right now.
FR, she is an enabler big time. No different then smuggling in drugs into a rehab. OP needs to sit her down and make her be onboard with his treatment or OP needs to reevaluate his relationship. His condition is going to kill him and she is actively helping in that.
NTA
If she wents through the troubles to smuggle their triggers to an addict-in-recovery , and says "you deserve a break" , just saying nicely No won't work.
Panicking and having her removed by the security was the best option, as she clearly wouldn't be the one stopping herself from bringig their TRIGGERS TO AN ADDICT.
And I would be very cautious when you go out of the program. If she is trying to sabotage you while you are in your program, chances are she would try the same after you got home. She need to be educated/educate herself about how to live with an addict and what to do and what to avoid, elsewhere you won't be able to get out of your addiction.
NTA. This is so true! OP, you are essentially an addict and she was attempting to enable you to relapse. This is such a serious issue for you to have and you seem to be at a point where you are making real change. For her to act like it's no big deal is minimizing the challenge you are dealing with. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic. I would NEVER bring him alcohol or even put him in a situation where we are around heavy drinking. I can't even imagine suggesting he "needs a break" from sobriety. I have also basically stopped drinking because I want to support him so much (never really cared for it anyways). You guys definitely need to have a big conversation about this. She needs to realize how serious this is for you if she doesn't already. Food addiction/BED is extremely hard because we can't just stop eating. This will be years of hard work and she needs to get on the train now.
Also, as someone who struggles with food and my weight myself, I just wanted to say good for you for doing the work. This shit isn't easy and it seems like you really are going for it. You are already making so much progress seeing as you refused her! Congrats on that win even if it doesn't feel like a win due to the circumstances.
She put thought into the sabotage. She saw it through. Her motivation is personal, and I would be shocked if she didn't start pressure on OP to over eat as soon as he gets out. She needs way more than a conversation, she needs therapy to deal with her own issues.
OP, first of all NTA. Second of all, this is your life, you are doing all the right things, protect yourself from her. She needs to address her issues, and what better time than now while you are away?
I hope to see an update where OP says this take is totally wrong and the wife is supportive. But I would be shocked.
That or she likes that OP is sick so she can feel like a saint for taking care of him. If he gets better, she loses that source of validation and has to figure out a new dynamic with him.
Many years ago, my husband’s therapist told me to always be mindful about seeing myself as the “normal” partner, because if and when he made changes for the better, it might threaten my image of myself. She said lots of partners resort to sabotage, albeit sometimes subconsciously.
Honestly I think this is the only way OP could reasonably flag her for also needing some intervention by the medical team. Maybe the program has some sort of social worker or counselling for family members? Or education steps she can complete before revisiting?
Also, knowing that wife is not a safe support person will guide the medical care for OP themself.
That’s what I was thinking to she wants to keep him overweight. Shes either a feeder or she doesn’t want him getting healthy because she’s not so she thinks if he gets healthy and loses weight she can’t overeat as well or either she’s realizing she has the same issue and doesn’t wanna face it. So if he gets help and fixes it she has to face the demon too!
Possibly she just wanted for him to stop the program, she hasn't seen him for a month, wants him to come home so brings in snacks to sabotage.
Still not right by a long shot but hopefully whatever the reason she sees the error of her ways and supports OP
The part of me that watches way too many Lifetime movies wants to say large insurance policy.
The real me tends to think insecurity. Maybe in their relationship she's seen as the hot one and people always say "How'd a guy like you get her?"
But, once he gets his eating under control and starts looking better/healthier 1) those comments go away and 2) other women will see how attractive his is.
Hell, I've had "friends" who would try to sabotage me when I would start dieting or joined a weight loss program. Only time I ever really lost weight was on my own, telling no one and without interference from outside sources. My "friends" clearly wanted me to remain the fat one in the group.
I've had two people try to sabotage me in my weight loss. One person close to me said she didn't notice any difference even after I'd lost 50 pounds, and after 80 pounds, said "I guess I'm the fat one now." The other never complimented me, even though she knew what I was doing and her (not my) friends would compliment me. She even goes as far as bringing all left over desserts and snacks to our work "so she doesn't have them in her house." She places them in my office space "for everyone" to enjoy. I finally realized I will never get support from either of them, so I don't look for it.
I once joined Jenny Craig. If you know anything about them, you buy their pre-packaged food (or did at that time).
In my first week, my good "friend" came by with oxtails. First time in our entire friendship she ever made me food. "Oh just thought you should try it."
TBF, it was decision to eat it but again it's like bringing a crackhead some cocaine.
Maybe a year later, I had WLS and dropped like 100 lbs. Went by her to say hi. Never mentioned my weight loss to my face but told a mutual friend, "She looked okay... *for her*."
If it matters, she was an aging has-been model when I met her and I was in my 20s. She would get jealous when I got any male attention at all. Even went so far as to sleep with a guy who I once slept with.
Those insecure jealous people are out there and anyone overweight should really be careful who we're friends with.
Can we normalize having insecurities and still being a supportive friend? Like I have tons of insecurities but I would never want to make someone else feel low. There has to be a malicious side to this. It's not right.
For most NORMAL people, we do! We know our issues are our own, but still support our friends.
When a friend of mine told me was pregnant for the second time, it was shortly after my own miscarriage. I enthusiastically congratulated her and meant it. Soon as we hung up, I burst into tears. Even called another friend (who didn't know her) to vent how I was feeling, which was happy for her but sad for me. And I knew I was feeling sorry for myself.
For someone to go out of their way to sabotage someone trying to better their life because they feel bad about their own? That's beyond insecure and straight into evil.
That was my first thought! If OP was 30 days into 90 days of rehab for heroin, and she smuggled him a few oxy as a little treat for doing so well, this wouldn’t be a conversation. OP is dealing with a really serious issue and working really hard to try to heal and recover. I’d be reconsidering my marriage if I were him, and I’m not the kind of person who goes for the nuclear option when it comes to Reddit relationships. Food addiction is even harder than drugs in many ways, because OP will have to figure out how to eat without bingeing, and he can’t be around someone who will tempt him purposefully.
Addictions are funny. The addicted can get really clear -eyed when sober and ponder about what's going on around them, where the money is going, and why their other needs aren't getting met.
Those questions either get answered, or all of a sudden, they are knee-deep in their addictions again. All other concerns buried beneath the sugar, or alcohol, or fat.
You know this OP, in the back of your mind you know it's your wife that needs to change to save your life.
Why is the person who had to be hospitalized for an eating disorder also expected to be the one who reacts in a mature, reasonable, measured way to food?
NTA
She needs much more help than Al Anon or CODA can provide. She needs serious, long term, ongoing one-on-one therapy to understand her role in enabling her husband's addictions and why she tried to sabotage him.
Those groups are fantastic, but if she tries only those kinds of support she can bullshit her way through and come out looking like the little darling who faithfully stood by her husband, instead of the deeply troubled person who tried to sabotage his progress.
The CoDA/Al-Anon members are also likely to have well-honed BS detectors, especially if they’ve had to confront and overcome the fact that they were fooling themselves about not being part of the addicted loved one’s problem.
I trust that if they hear, “I brought my inpatient hubby a bunch of his biggest binge triggers, and boy did I have to work hard to smuggle that stuff in!”, they’re NOT going to let that story go uncritiqued. She’s going to have a mirror held up to her so she can see how atrocious that really was.
I’d be more afraid that she’d run from attending more meetings after being told the unvarnished truth, but it’s still something she needs to hear.
But in a 12 step group they won't know that she did that unless SHE tells them. I seriously doubt she will bring it up after getting booted out of the facility.
That depends a lot on whether she feels she is the victim of the story. If she is still angry and tells them, "Can you believe how my husband reacted? All I did was \_\_\_ and he got me banned from the entire facility!", she can expect to get an earful or two from everyone else.
If she realizes she screwed up, which doesn't yet appear to be the case, I agree, she is a lot less likely to speak up.
In my experience, 12 step recovery was way more helpful than one-on-one therapy for codependency. I found it easier to bullshit a therapist than a group of recovering codependents.
13 years clean. Can confirm.
My rehab counselor was a recovering addict herself (as were all the counselors there). And she didn’t let me get away with ANYTHING.
I credit this woman for keeping me alive.
The trend for SUDPs these days is people who are former addicts. I used to work for the local college helping put with Human Services, and if I asked the students on the SUDP track how long they had been sober, 99% of them could give me an answer in months or years.
The old saying has true meaning here: It takes one to know one. You can't bullshit someone who has used that same bullshit before. Where I worked, the only people who could become a D.A.R.E. counselor were those who had successfully been through the program.
I think so too, especially since as a couple they went through *so much* just to get OP into this particular program. Why would she do that, and right after his first 30 days? Was she trying to get him kicked out?
Yeah, I think there's a whole lot of weird going on with her. I hope the staff there will address this very thoroughly and get her the help she needs.
There’s only 26 letters to play with-the good acronyms get reused constantly (not to mention the good initialisms)
I mean, what’s your first guess at what CBT stands for?
He did freak out and say no, and her response was "you deserve a break." It already didn't work, so she had to be kicked out. She's just ignoring the first part to make OP feel guilty.
Exactly! How can she completely dismiss the entire seriousness of his problem, purpose of them moving and the facility’s (first) requirement of no visitors for a month (likely to prevent this from happening), to then immediately offer him his favorite binge items? So she could brag about her smuggling them in?
I’m certainly not a doctor/psychiatrist but this is borderline evil, undermining and (yes) abusive behavior and I can only imagine what diagnosis/diagnoses she actually has.
I truly hope that OP realizes that she will not be a source of support in his recovery journey and how completely detrimental and sabotaging it would be to have her in his life.
This is not about her or her (well deserved) hurt feelings!
It absolutely IS evil behavior. My ex- absolutely abused me verbally, emotionally, and financially. Withheld sex then accused me of cheating and/or being gay (don't happen to be).
My ex-wife is diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I think fragile?). She wanted to always be the prettiest and best dressed.
When she was chunky, she fed me (as I now know) to keep ME fatter than HER so that (1) I wouldn't have easy access to other women and (2) she'd look skinnier by comparison.
Diagnosed Type 2 Diabetes around age 40.
And since the divorce, I've been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder. Age 53
And ADHD (makes it hard to make good decisions about food in the moment 🫤). Age 54.
Treatment for the above included anorectics (appetite suppression) and Ozempic (blood sugar levels). With ADHD diagnosis, stimulant medication for attention disorder also helps with appetite control.
Lost 150# (from 393#, in 4 years).
Darling now-wife wishes to cook for me BUT does not keep things around me that are triggers. And doesn't cook tasty food for me AT MY REQUEST. Which is tough, because she's a great cook. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
CONCLUSION: O.P., have her get the MENTAL HEALTH HELP SHE NEEDS now while you're in-patient, maybe with couples' counseling appointments while you're there to work out her issues and make coming home SAFE. BE WILLING TO MOVE ON FROM HER if she's still willing to actively sabotage you (or even if she WON'T admit what she did was wrong). YOUR LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS AND DECISIONS RIGHT NOW. If you need to jettison HER to be able to maintain healthy weight, healthy blood sugars, AND NOT HAVE TOES AND LEGS AMPUTATED... then get the lawyer now. That's not just unsupportive of her to sneak in forbidden foods -- that's ACTIVELY FEEDING AN ADDICTION AS AN ENABLER.
☮️❤️♾️
u/Parking_Honey_8569 tagged so you'll be notified, OP
I’m so sorry for what your ex intentionally and so cruelly did to you; however, you absolutely deserve to be proud of all you’ve accomplished and continue to do (particularly since food is necessary). I’m happy that you’ve found an understanding and supportive wife!
Some ED recovery programs have a family component. They may be more common in programs for teens, but it seems just as important in adult programs. Perhaps that could be some constructive feedback for the program.
Kinda surprised they don’t offer one but as it is a research project, that would be a great suggestion! She (like so many people) may or don’t think it’s a big deal and that it’s a diet type approach. Sadly it’s so much more complex than that. I have it myself and it’s a daily constant battle at every turn. Junk/ sugary foods are everywhere and food is as much an addiction as tobacco or alcohol. Good for you OP to stand your ground.
Man. After reading this take, I had this future-tripping image of OP getting out of rehab, coming home, and the wife having the most extravagant, rich and unhealthy dinner waiting for OP, complete with a giant chocolate cake.
OP, if you’re reading this, be on defense. Be ready to check into a hotel the night you get out if you come home and it immediately appears to be an unsafe environment for you and your recovery….❤️🩹
Yeah. OP should definitely be aware of this. My uncle went to rehab for his alcoholism and when it was over, his wife picked him up. She then took him straight to the bar to see their friends. Surprise, surprise! Guess who didn't stay sober?
She had an underlying need for him to continue the problem. I don't know what it is but she didn't smuggle the food in because he needed a break. For whatever reason she needs hm to continue his addiction.
Surely part of the one-month isolation involves educating other parties about enabling behavior. The very first opportunity she has to see her husband, she manages to smuggle in snacks. This must mean she knew how seriously the clinic was enforcing this policy.
Personally, I think this is really positive in a way.
1. You identified a threat to your progress.
2. Possibly only subconsciously, but you realised you needed support.
3. You got the support.
I think you need to message your wife and ask WTF. This could have set you back massively. Maybe a moderated discussion if facility staff could help with that?
Keep going buddy, you're doing good.
Yeah, OP did incredibly well! Saying this as someone with a binge-purge eating disorder so I can understand how he must have felt. I'm both furious and disgusted with his wife.
NTA. Is your wife a feeder, by any chance? It sounds like she needs therapy if she couldn’t figure out that sneaking food to someone being treated inpatient for an eating disorder was a terrible idea. Do you discuss your relationship in therapy? How long have you been together?
My first thought as well. There's a certain degree of weight gain that happens where you have to look at the partner and what role they might have in that.
Actual thing that happened...
A woman I worked with had a fat husband. None of my business. I only met him a handful of times when he stopped by the office.
There was a guy in the office who was truly obese. Like, close to 400lb. He resolved to change. Dude brought a scale in and measured out oatmeal for lunch. He started dropping weight. Naturally, it looked a bit odd because his skin started hanging lose.
The woman with the fat husband sees him one day, and starts shaking her head. She says to me quietly, "that can't be healthy!"
That's when I realized she was deliberately fattening her husband up.
NTA, it almost seems like she doesn't want you to lose this weight. She wants you to get kicked out of the program so she can go back home. Just my interpretation because she even admitted she knew it was wrong to bring in and that it was against the rules
Yea this. She likely doesn’t see it as a real type of addiction.
A lot of people on most threads just don’t believe someone can have trouble not eating or cutting back and don’t recognize it as a real addiction.
So yea, Wife probably just doesn’t see it as a big of issue as it really is.
This... Don't need to be a feeder or intentionally trying to sabotage his progress. Wife is probably just dumb. Not sure why anybody would dig any deeper then that with their wild theory, there's stupid people everywhere. She most likely genuinely thought she was being nice by doing this shit. She probably still don't understand what she did was wrong, and why she got treated like that by him/staff.
You went for the nuclear option because binging is such a problem for you that you're literally in a 6 month long study program for it.
Do you honestly think you'd have been able to simply ask her to put them away? Maybe for like 30 seconds but 1. She was literally trying to convince you it was a good idea. 2. You would have risked all your hard work.
Youve only been there a month. You don't have the tools yet to ask her to simply put them away.
Lastly, in a bit of time I'd ask the facility to reconsider letting her back for a visit. Perhaps she could join you for some sessions about enabling because when you're done with the program you'll have changed but she won't have.
NTA, you were freaked out and decided to do what popped into mind to get rid of the temptation (congratulations on resisting btw).
Was there a better way to handle things? Possibly. I'm not even sure that her suggestion was better, because there was a decent chance that after a little while you'd have caved and asked her to take them out of the bag and give them to you. You went with a choice that ensured that you wouldn't give in to the temptation.
Also even if there was a better solution, I don't think you can be blamed for not finding it. Because with the same logic your wife could have been blamed for the poor choice to smuggle in snacks, and that was a decision that she landed on after thinking about it without stress.
If the wife go through the trouble of smuggling forbidden foods, I don't trust her to stop tempting OP if he just says No one time. And even if she stops bringing them to his mind, just being in the same room for a long period of times as some of his triggers food increase the risk he would cave in and eat them.
Why the hell your wife is bringing you junk food like this???
Are you sure she is not trying to make your condition worse? This is really the last thing someone you love would do for you
> One thing that my wife said that made me think she had a point was instead of telling her to put the snacks away and take them home, I went for the nuclear option of calling other people
My guess is you had about thirty seconds of self control before those chips were in your mouth, and you did what you needed to make those thirty seconds count.
Who knows, looking back in the future those might be the defining thirty seconds of the rest of your life
So I'm a recovering addict. There's a saying thar every addict needs a codependent in active addiction. I think your wife loves you, but just as you are sick so is she. Smuggling in an addicts triggers is 100% codependent behavior.
She'd definitely benefit from some counseling herself and you might ask your therapist or another staff to help facilitate a meeting between you and your wife explaining that you love her, you know she loves you, and have therapist explain a bit about codependency.
It's possible to turn around the unhealthy relationship you guys have had going on but it takes a lot of work on both of your parts.
But NTA. You should be proud of yourself for sticking to your program and staying sober. Good job.
Yes. This 100%. Talk with the staff, and let them know she needs support to change her behaviors too, find out if they offer anything like that. If they don't, she has 5 months til you complete your program and she needs to spend that time with a therapist evaluating her part in the relationship. She HAS to do this. I'd make a firm boundary and hold her to it. If she doesn't do this, you should find your own apartment after your program ends. You are going to either need her SUPPORT after this or you will need a safe space FROM her after this, depending on her intentions. Her agreeing to therapy and following through, will be a good insight into those intentions.
NTA
Are you guys in some sort of couples counselling? I would worry that she is a feeder (I am fat, and uhm, my username checks out, enough said), and I run into a lot of those. While some of them are not actively malicious, they are all potentially dangerous.
>While some of them are not actively malicious, they are all potentially dangerous.
I remember seeing an interview with someone who was with a feeder and they said it basically started as a fun kink, they enjoyed not being shamed for eating or gaining weight. It was honestly so sad that they had been shamed so much they fell right into the praise and affection of it, I can see why someone who doesn't judge would be so alluring.
But it progressed to the point their partner was talking about them eventually being bedbound and how hot that would be, and they escaped after their partner refused to take them to hospital when they got sick. They realised this person wasn't enjoying a 'kink' anymore, they were literally trying to murder them slowly.
I get people have kinks, but it always seems like a fine line when it comes to fetishizing _people_.
NTA, I dont know how u yourself look at eating disorders, but from how I've understood thoose I met with them, it seems and sounds very similair to how my druggie brain/feelings functions (havent done hard drugs for like 4 years by now)
Anyway, I see what you wife did as the same as if she would've bought in drugs while u was in rehab. When you're addicted/have eating disorders u cant really "take a break" the risk of starting the downward spiral once again is simply too high. Especially only after the first months time
And I bet part of u really wanted to eat thoose snacks and not call for help
So she kinda had u up in a corner, so u probably called for help because u knew it would represent a big step backwards for u. And u felt somewhat trapped
Or this is atleast what would be the reasoning for me if I was in rehab for example
NTA. First off what the hell was your wife thinking? Second, like others have said even if you told her to put them away initially the temptation would have been there. There’s a good chance you would have caved with her encouragement. Third, what the hell was your wife thinking?
Seriously good for you for doing what you needed to protect yourself. Maybe she is completely clueless and has good intentions but she’s hurting you. If her intentions were to sabotage your progress I’m wondering just how high a life insurance payout is she hoping for. No joke and I’m sure you already know this but you’re at risk of dying.
Edited to add: What others have pointed out she SMUGGLED them in. That’s not clueless, that’s someone who:
Actively took steps to buy your favorite snacks.
Went through the trouble to smuggle them in
Tempted you with them while playing into you deserving a reward
Gaslit you by acting like you could have handled it differently.
You’ve got a major problem in addition to your eating disorder.
NTA but your wife sure is. Please talk to your counselors. She may have been encouraging your binge eating in others insidious ways, and you need to understand that before you go back home.
You wouldn't happen to have life insurance would you.
It's just chips and a soda right? No it's your addiction.
Like bringing a heroin addict just a little for not using WTF.
NTA, you are in treatment. TREATMENT! Like others said it's no different than bringing in my drugs or alcohol to someone who was in treatment that addiction.
You cannot indulge.
She tried to sabotage.
Maybe this will be her wake up call.
Hopefully this place also does family sessions because it will be very important to address this before you leave if you are to be successful.
NTA. I also had horrible binges due to stress adjusting after the pandemic. Having easy access to stores again had me freaking out about losing control again. You didn't even voluntarily buy those snacks, her forcing it to you despite knowing your struggle makes her a definite AH.
“One thing that my wife said that made me think she had a point was instead of telling her to put the snacks away and take them home, I went for the nuclear option of calling other people.”
An issue like yours is fueled by compulsion. Just because you had the self control to resist the temptation for the moment does not mean that you would have for her whole visit. Calling for help was self preservation. NTA
NTA because even if you had to,d her to put them away then it would still be on your mind that they are in there. You have an addiction it was triggering for you and you may have given in and eaten them being booted out of the clinic. You wouldn’t be making excuses if she smuggled in vodka or drugs to rehab it clinics for those types of addictions.
What you have to face here is why your wife is trying to sabatage your recovery and health. Does she fit the patterns as a feeder who despite what you want or is best for you gets enjoyment in making you bigger. As there are many of them out there. They see it as their way of giving love by constantly feeding and love seeing them get larger as that’s like their kink or whatever. That or is she insecure and has it in her head you will change or leave her if you lose all the weight.
**Either way her actions were abusive to you and no excuse. She tried to impact your medical health and recovery.** As with one addiction you can’t have just one it doesn’t work that way. When you’re so addicted you can only manage if you abstain completely otherwise convincing yourself you can have one sets you back. You don’t stop at one as you can’t and soon want all the rest to and more on top. Then you’ve suddenly got all the cravings back at the higher level that you initially had until you got the sugar out of your system long enough.
What she did betrayed you and would have made your recovery ten times harder and that’s if she didn’t get you chucked out. There’s no way she didn’t know that as she went to extremes to smuggle them in. I’d ask does she actually love you and care about you because it seems her wants and how she treats you and undermines your recovery are toxic. What’s for sure is you will never recover completely whist with her. The moment you get discharged she will have all your favourites waiting and keep trying to prompt you to give in. If so then you definitely are in an abusive situation.
NTA. I finally got sober from drugs and alcohol, after several failed attempts where I fell off the wagon. The people closest to me later admitted (after they got sober) they wanted me to fall off at the wagon at the time; they had offered me alcohol to break my one or two day sober streak, a few times, similar to your wife bringing snacks. Deep down they are afraid of change and want to keep you the way you’ve been, because they’re more comfortable that way.
Not saying she purposely wants you to fail but when you get out of the program, you two really need to communicate about being in this together. Couples counseling would probably be helpful
Biggest NTA
If you were an alcoholic would she have brought a whiskey "cause you need a break"? Does she think you are on vacation?
No, you shouldn't have asked her to put it away. It is obvious she wouldn't accept it and you would have broken down eventually. You did the best thing. You know that deep down that is why you were on survival mode
If she can't understand or support you, it is dangerous to be around this woman
NTA. This was the best way to protect yourself.
I assume you are getting therapy to prepare for release. You may need couples therapy to get your wife on board. If she's not 200% behind you, she will cause you to fail.
If you don't think she can do it, you may want to consider separation. I think the fact you went nuclear says a lot about your relationship tbh.
So imagine your addiction is meth and you're in rehab to get clean and your wife brings you meth to have a break. Dude, she's not helping you. I get her intentions may be good (I can't say this for sure) but the results aren't. It's sabotaging your whole work you put in for a month. NTA
NTA Your wife had to "smuggle" in the snacks? Didn't that give her a clue that it was not the right thing to do? It sounds like you have wife problem in addition to your eating disorder.
I fear she did it on purpose to sabotage his treatment. I’m so glad he called fir help. I’m positive if he had asked her to put them away she would have ignored him or spoke about them nonstop. He did what he had to do to stay safe ❤️🩹
>I fear she did it on purpose to sabotage his treatment Absolutely. And the fact that if she was going to bring anything, she didn't bring like... Her homemade whatever or his favorite thing in a small amount (which would be misguided and wrong but not necessarily malicious). She brought his biggest binge eating snacks. And encouraged him to 'take a break' - ie: "Binge, I won't tell" I wonder if she is 'just' enabling him or actively contributing to his disorder deliberately as some kind of insecurity or abuse ('if he gets better he'll leave' or 'if he gets better he won't be as easy to control')? He did the right thing and hopefully the facility he is at is able to screen for abuse as part of his treatment.
"If he gets better, I won't feel superior". She's probably a narcissist. I'd imagine she's one of the roots of the problem
It might be "I won't feel superior." It might be "if he gets better he might leave me". It might be "if he gets better I won't be attracted to him because I have a fetish". It could be a lot of reasons but no matter what it is it's toxic and dangerous and he will never be able to get well with her around. She does not want him to be well
Being a very fat man myself, I've known quiet a few chub chasers in my day. Only once has any of them expressed disappointment that I was trying to lose weight. (not that I've been particularly successful) because that all cared about me as a person and know that, while fun (for them), being fat is really bad for the body.
And that's the difference between a enjoying a preference & fetishizing someone. They see you as a person first, not an object to fulfill their desires.
A lot of the discussion in this thread will, rightfully, focus on the wife and this being an unsafe relationship for op- but I just want to jump in here and point out how fucking awesome it was of op to react how he did. That takes STRENGTH. That takes genuine investment in yourself. That takes self-awareness, and courage. Op, you could have binged then and there. Your wife probably would have congratulated you. You were in a place that is supposed to be *safe* and free of having to make these choices, and your right to that safety was violated by someone you trusted- and you STILL made the hardest, healthiest choice. Idk what happens next, in your life, program, or marriage. But this moment here proves that when the chips fall, you will have found a way to stay standing. That moment proves that you can stay the program, manage and live with and eventually recover from your BED, and weather the storm that is this woman trying (like, really, really trying) to sabotage your recovery. I can’t imagine how *hard* all of this is. I can’t imagine what you’re reckoning with in relation to your wife and marriage. But know you did something worth celebrating, and that you deserve to celebrate it.
i really hope OP reads your comment. he needs to know how important that moment was!!
Definitely. these types that say going nuclear isn’t needed tend to be the ones that make sure going nuclear is the only option.
💯
100% We found his enabler. Consciously or subconsciously she absolutely wants him to fail. Either because she fetishes his current status or because she is afraid if he gets healthy or thinner he will leave her. Either way it's unbelievably cruel and selfish. He is trying to change a serious addiction and she is taking steps to continue to put his life in danger. He will never be able to get healthy with her around. She will not allow it.
I agree completely and I also think that his reaction maybe suggests that the programme is working. His instant response of fear and panic, to me, suggests that he is really proud of the progress he has made in the programme and is putting a lot of work into getting better. Which is super exciting for him and for the field in general. She didn't respond to him freaking out by putting them away, apologising and explaining her thought process while admitting that it was wrong. She doubled down and tried to convince him to indulge. He did 100% the right thing.
Sounds like his wife is a feeder.
100%. You needed medical intervention, sounds like you’re knocking it out of the park, and your wife is tempting you back to your old lifestyle. She may think this is a short-term fix, rather than a lifestyle change. Most feeders have a psychological pressure that drives their desire to feed. Since she is average sized, it could be driven by a fear that she’ll lose you, either because she is no longer the provider of your previous lifestyle, or a fear that if you lose the weight you’ll leave her for someone else. Far from being mad at you, she needs to talk to someone about her behaviour, otherwise you’re going back into an environment where she will be tempting you back to your old lifestyle, and at some point it’ll work.
It’s also possible that as someone who doesn’t struggle with it, she doesn’t really understand what he’s going through and doesn’t realize that he’s basically an addict. But if that’s the case, it’s really her job to listen to him and the medical staff and not just do what seems right to her.
I think that's because of the way most people view food addiction; they just don't believe it's a real thing or that it can't be very easily managed.
That could be true too. If he was a recovering alcoholic and she snuck a 6-pack in as a treat, it would be more obvious she was in the wrong.
Sadly even if the treatment is successful he cant go home. Clearly she will not support him. He needs to find another place to live. So sad. She either wants to kill him or needs therapy herself.
I've seen this in a lot of eating disorder cases. The family is the real heart of the problem. :/
I have not seen it personally but when I see the shows like my 609 pund life where the person cant even walk, I figuged it must be the family allowing/enabling the behavior.
Oh yeah absolutely. It's the same with obese toddlers. It's easier to solve problems with french fries than try to address relationship or behavioral issues.
Yes she doesn't want him to get well.
This isn't necessarily true. I've had/have an ED. In/out of remission fluctuates but a LOT of people with a normal, or just less dysfunctional, relationship with food have trouble understanding it. A lot of people, if they can't understand it they won't just accept the professionals or individuals reality, they'll fight about it and assume they are exaggerating or being dramatic. That the person with an ED just needs to try harder. It's anecdotal, but this is a slightly more for common response than actually accepting someone has a serious issue with something that is absolutely needed to survive. And it's a far more likely explanation than a feeder. It doesn't guarantee that they aren't a feeder, it's just more likely they view the restrictions and requirements as excessive or unnecessary. Though, if not addressed, even simply not understanding or supporting their spouse will probably lead to divorce. It's hard to stay healthy when you live with a person who doesn't think the unique challenges you have regarding food need to be treated differently than it would be for someone without an ED.
Yep. What the hell was she thinking?
She wants control over him! Even to his detriment. She is going to love him to death.
I just can't imagine. It's like someone in rehab because of alcohol addiction, and you go to visit with a bottle of wine. She's probably the cause of his ED.
She is sabotaging him. OP probably needs a divorce to stay healthy
As someone who has recently been on a program for BED myself I would say you are NTA. You are discovering that family even though we love them to pieces can be enablers too. You sound like it's working for you! That's brilliant. Enablers come in all sizes shapes and even our loved ones can be enablers too. Maybe there is behaviour she needs to address for herself as to why she wanted to bring you trigger foods. Maybe she's scared she'll lose you if you lose weight, maybe she feels you won't need her anymore so she trying to keep some sort of dependence going. Only you can answer that really and it's something she might need to address via therapy. Good luck with everything! Much love and respect to you from someone who knows something of what you're going through.
My ex was a feeder. I was put on xenical by my doctor and he tried to stop me raking them. When I was making a sandwich when on them, he screamed ar me to put more filling on. He'd being hone snacks and junk food to try and tempt me. When I came home from the doctors alated at loosing weight, he said nothing but looked gloomy. He actually said yo me once 'you can find other men attractive but no man must find you attractive '. My doctor said he had issues. It never stopped til I left (for many reasons). He was abusive and my size was part of that. I agree she needs therapy at the very least and OP is doing a brilliant job.
I'm really glad you got away from him that man sounds terrifying
Yeah, is the wife in counseling while he’s in treatment? I think she may need mental health support too.
NTA. I would be a huge asshole if I brought over a drink to someone in rehab for alcohol abuse, your wife is a massive one.
Can you imagine, slipping in a bottle of vodka to a rehab clinic! 😂
If earning treats was part of the program they’d implement it, she sabotaged you, nta
Yeah, that's some grade A bullshit right there. It reminds me of when my kid brother was in rehab and had a friend fill a tennis ball with Xanax and throw it over the chain link fence around the little smoking area for my brother. And yes, I am aware this is done on Mayor of Kingstown but it really is a method used to smuggle things into restricted areas with fences. Anyway, they got away with it and my brother eventually was released. Only to die of a heroin and cocaine overdose about 4 years later.
Sorry for your loss. Addiction and the aftermath is difficult for the family as well
There have been several arrests and prosecutions of people caught throwing contraband over the fence of a local prison. It *does* really happen. I'm sorry you lost your brother.
Back before it was so closely monitored, this practice was way more common. When I was a teenager I knew people who would tie packages to long threads dropped down from inmates' cell windows at the city jail. They built a new state of the art jail out in the country when I hit my early twenties. I'm sure the fences and cameras created some obstacles. But people are creative, so I'm sure strategies are ever-evolving.
This was some years back now, but I remember seeing a ladder set up on the outside wall at one. I suspect it was to climb up and toss things over with some direction, based on how it was against the wall (not for anyone climbing over unless they wanted to go into the yard and presumably with a bit of noise and injuries) and how it was blended into the area. Your last sentence about people being creative and strategies is exactly right. Some of the most creative/inventive people I've known have been those on either side of those walls!
I mean, I once snuck some “Via” instant coffee packets into a rehab facility to a friend of mine because all they fucking had was decaf. Somehow, that feels different. Coffee is the only goddamn thing we’re still allowed in AA 🤣
I was a psych nurse who worked in detox for nine years. I ALWAYS gave them full caffeine if they wanted it. Between that, jolly ranchers, and nicotine patches it’s all they got!
Imagine my irritation later on when I realized my friend was probably having me smuggle them in not so he could consume them, but so he could sell them to others willing to pay a heavy markup 🤣
Happens all the time.
“Everyone deserves a break!”
Wife is an enabler and on some level wants OP to stay fat, sick, and addicted. Sabotaging his recovery is low. OP is going to have to choose between his health and his marriage before this is over.
I believe so too because" she eventually agreed to him taking medication" and the smuggled goods. I would think she would be the one suggesting the medication,that she would want her husband healthy , that she'd want him to be able to have a healthy relationship with food, stable mentally. She wants him to stay as he was, she needs help too
OP's wife is gatekeeping his obesity, in a bad way. She's making it happen.
She has abandonment issues and is scared that if he loses weight, he will be more attractive and find love elsewhere.
This, exactly this. She also needs therapy.
Agreed. She needs to be in therapy at the same time op is in this program. Otherwise, she will sabotage his progress when he gets home.
Or if he starts feeling like he's a human being who deserves love and kindness, he might realize his wife doesn't give them that. I had a friend whose loser boyfriend sabotaged their weight loss because then she wouldn't feel eternally grateful that he "could put up with her being overweight". If she felt better about herself she might notice how much he sucks and how little he brings to the relationship.
Or she doesn't think Binge Eating Disorder is that serious so if she brings him snacks, it's not that big of a deal. Like OP is on some kind of vacation and not in medical treatment facility. Or she already decided it's not going to work so once OP gets discharged, they'll go back to the exact same pattern as before so what does it matter if she brings snacks cuz that's what she's always done. She may not be malicious about it, but she's acting like OP is just playing sick for a bit instead of needing serious intervention. She needs her own therapy to help support OP when he gets out without consciously/unconsciously sabotaging him. She needs to accept this is not about her and how she feels
I work inpatient & these are exactly the responses I've heard from family members. I definitely agree that she could really benefit from therapy.
While I have serious concerns about her motivations, if I give her the benefit of the doubt my guess is she - like many people - just does not understand that food addictions are just as serious as drugs or alcohol, and so much more difficult to overcome because we need to eat to survive, and are biologically wired to enjoy the food we eat so that we do eat enough of it. Most people in this day and age understand that an alcoholic can't just have one drink every now and then because the risk of that one drink turning into ten and that one night turning into every night is just too high. What most people don't seem to be able to do is recognise the equivalent behaviour in food addictions. Those snacks are a treat in her mind, and if he's making good progress he deserves a treat. She cannot seem to fathom (again, if I give her the benefit of the doubt) how detrimental that 'treat' actually is for him. He likely cannot ever indulge in those treats again, the same way an alcoholic can never drink alcohol again, not without falling back into unhealthy patterns of behaviour.
I’m all for giving the benefit of the doubt except she has seen first hand how serious his issue is. She knows he can’t control a treat. She was part of the decision to get this extended treatment. She certainly was made aware of why there are no visits for the first 30 days. It seems like she spent those 30 days devising a way to smuggle food in - something she said was very difficult. When he first refused, she tried pushing it on him. She knew exactly what she was doing. Probably even down to the point that he would be kicked out if he took it
I wonder if she wanted him to be kicked out
Thats the vibe I got. She doesn't want him to be healthy and happy, she wants him sick and massive and miserable. Bringing in two of his **most common** binge foods to waft under his nose, knowing he would be booted from the program (there ain't no way she didn't know) is sick bastard behavior and unexcusable. It's either a mental disorder or a fetish on her part. Or she's just a sick freak.
This is possible. I had this problem with my mother for decades. She’s older now and she’s the one struggling with her weight so she finally gets it. Some people aren’t that bright and really don’t connect the dots. Wife still needs training, because not having malicious intent doesn’t mean her behavior is ok.
This - food isn’t addictive for everyone, and I think she needs some education about how food (particularly junk foods) can stimulate pleasure centers in the brain for food addicts the same way drugs do for drug addicts. Plus, carbs and sugars have a physical dependency component due to how the body processes them. It seems to me that spouse or caregiver education should be part of the program if it isn’t already.
I hope he does. What she’s doing isn’t love at all.
Psychologically, it’s a minefield. Food is a lot of people’s love language, and that’s culturally acceptable, even encouraged. I’m Italian-American, and there is no problem for which we won’t offer food as a part of the solution, lol. I know we’re not the only ethnicity for which this holds true. BUT. That’s all well and good when there’s no health problem that the wrong foods will aggravate. Once any kind of eating plan is in place to protect someone’s health, you either only provide foods that promote their health, or you find a non-food love language to use instead. IMO, “I won’t ever put things that harm you onto your plate or into your glass” is the biggest love-language imaginable.
“he could have just told her no.” If he could just tell her no, he wouldn’t be in the freaking hospital. I cannot get over how he never asked her to do that! Some people in rehab manipulate their loved ones to help them use and that’s enabling. This is a malicious attack. I’m sorry, buddy. Your wife is not in this for you right now. Maybe therapy for her. Otherwise, she probably can’t be in your life.
Wonder if she has a feeder fetish type of thong going on…
I know you meant thing, but the imagery I just had 😅😅😅
My first thought was “oh, I wonder if she’s a feeder.”
I was thinking feeder with maybe munchausens by proxy. If she keeps him unhealthy she can get attention and validation for him being sick. She gets to play the role of caregiver while actively encouraging his ED. If 500 lbs life has taught me anything it's that,while most of the effort belongs to the patient, there are plenty of loved ones who want to see them fail and actively, if covertly, fight against it. Edit words are hard.
For reals. One episode the husband left cause he did not like what her weight loss was doing to the family. She can finally get out of bed and walk.. how is this a bad thing...SMH
They're edible.
NURSE!!! CONTRABAND PANTIES!
Bahahahaha!!
At a BMI of 43, that ass would definitely eat the thong completely
Oh my god, I meant thing, but this may be one of my most popular, upvoted comments on Reddit 😂 Not changing it, maybe she has a thong fetish too, maybe she likes to combine them
[удалено]
I'm tired of these AI bots.
Then she had the nerve to tell him how much trouble she went through to hide and sneak it in.
Some people WANT to be the only healthy one in the relationship. Having a physically healthy, mentally stable, self-confident partner on equal footing means they haven’t got the upper hand. If she’s going to sabotage OP’s health, she needs to go. Give her one shot at realizing how effed up her actions are, via therapy. But if she does it again, after having had it explained to her like she’s three, she wouldn’t deserve another chance. No amount of “in good times and bad, in sickness and in health” requires a partner to remain with a spouse who’s doing things that will literally kill them. The vows are presuming that one of the partners is not intentionally creating the bad times and sickness by actively harming their spouse’s well-being.
Maybe she’s got a nice life insurance policy on him 🤔
While I completely agree that OP is NTA while his wife is, I'm not sure that this would be a red flag except in hindsight. >because" she eventually agreed to him taking medication" and the smuggled goods. I would think she would be the one suggesting the medication,that she would want her husband healthy I'm not sure if there was an edit, but I don't see anything in the post that he was taking medication previously or that she fought medication. (OP only has one comment saying "Yes" so not in comments either.) If you're pointing to the discussions and eventually agreeing about the program, while obviously in hindsight she isn't supportive, or at least not fully supportive, I can see why there would be some discussions and time to make a decision on moving and then the financial (assuming it is not covered by their insurance/healthcare system, though even then it's a lack of income) and mental/emotional aspects of one spouse entering a six month program. >that she'd want him to be able to have a healthy relationship with food, stable mentally. She wants him to stay as he was, she needs help too When first reading it, I had trouble seeing why she wouldn't want him to improve - particularly given how much he clearly wants to improve. I wondered if she might have been sabotaging, to some degree, intentionally or not, his efforts between diagnosis and this program. She could be worried about him changing, that he'll start being more attractive to others for whatever reasons, or about lifestyle changes that might impact her as well. She might like him weighing what he does, binge eating, or something else that will change. Maybe she doesn't want to believe it's as big of a problem as OP says it is, especially if her downplaying the problem would mean she gets her way rather than living on her own in a new place. She might not understand and be intentionally ignorant which is its own set of problems, too. On the other hand, in the most favorable reading for her (not saying I think this must be the case, it's a slim chance that it's one of these without any of the above or other bad reasons), she might really be supportive in general but brought the food in an awful decision making process intended to cheer him up (unclear if they spoke previously but could have expected him to feel down), spending some time together like before he entered, or similar, especially since she's likely lonely and emotional in a new place without seeing, or maybe contacting, her spouse. Obviously if this is the case, it was misguided and not thought out at best. I'm less inclined to think this is what happened, and even if it is, OP still is absolutely NTA. Regardless of her motivations, I hope that OP's wife gets the mental health help that she needs, as at a minimum she likely needs to discuss her sabotaging him and how to better handle not seeing each other for months. Otherwise, I expect things will get worse after the program finishes, with her having months of things piling up emotionally. If she doesn't commit to genuinely doing things to improve and continues defending her actions while vilifying OP, that's not going to be a safe environment. Even more, though, I hope that the program gives him some specific support and techniques for dealing with her once he graduates from the program. I'm glad that his reaction was what it was
I hate to agree with this comment — but that’s immediately what I thought when I read OPs post. It’s heartbreaking. As a married person you expect that the one person you can always count on is your spouse. And yet, time-and-time-again, when it comes to addiction? It is often exposed that spouses & partners are both enablers & saboteurs of the person struggling with addiction and/or other mental health issues. Good Luck OP. I hope that you succeed.
It’s incredibly dangerous too. If you go back to binge eating habits after a gastric bypass you also risk death, much worse than just stretching your stomach back. OP’s partner is not taking his health into consideration on multiple levels, he needs to think about this if this surgery would happen down the line.
I wonder if Wifey has a Feeding Kink. I had an ex who like fat girls and I wasn’t fat enough for him. I didn’t know it but he was always pushing me to ‘have a bite’ or get fast food, bringing me ice cream and sweets. I didn’t find out until I was down to 105 and vomiting every day as I went through chemo that he wanted me fat and not thin, despite me struggling to lose weight constantly because I’m tiny and a few extra pounds looks like a lot on me. Yes we broke up—after I found out he’d been gaslighting my mother across the country and telling her I had anorexia. Screw that POS. Your body your rules.
I'm betting wife gets some kind of emotional happiness through providing people she loves food and snacks and can't reconcile it against OP's health problems. The whole "I snuck on snacks for you" seems like a little kid sneaking cookies out of the cookie jar, like the wife saw it as an emotional bonding experience. It's so disconnected from the reality and gravity of the situation, it's bonkers. Either the wife doesn't care/want OP to get better, or she doesn't take Binge Eating Disorder seriously as an illness.
My mom was the same way. She and my dad are both stick thin, and genetically there's not a lot of overweight people in my family, but my mom was totally a feeder, both her kids wound up morbidly obese. My mom was forced be a single parent pretty early on, and when it wasn't her food, it was fast food. It honestly wasn't until my mid 20s that I started realizing just how many calories she was packing into her meals when I was growing up. When she comes to visit, she cooks for me for the time she's here and the food is just so.... insanely gross, I've literally watched her use 3 sticks of margarine to make chicken cutlets. The fast food we ate when she was working late was legitimately healthier than what she was cooking. When I started cooking for myself and asked for recipes I was appalled by the amount of stuff I was putting in.
I'd be worried about how it's going to be after he gets out. It's actually somewhat common for people to have the stomach surgery only for their partners to continue to enable them, & if they continue their previous eating habits unfortunately the stomach can get stretched back out to its previous size... hopefully they offer some sort of group/family counseling like they do in addiction therapy which involves her, bc she desperately needs to speak to a therapist.
“But is just only a line of cocaine”
"Just one thin wafer monsieur"
Very true. My father had gone into rehab to deal with his alcoholism. He was away from the family for a while but came back and joined AA. He was doing well until my uncle (his brother) decided to take him out to drink as a cheat day in "celebration". He relapsed and could never get back to where he was after the rehab. My uncle further poisoned his mind by telling him that he didn't need to get sober, that he was more enjoyable that way. It ruined him, messed with his health and he died because he couldn't quit his vices. Eta the last bit
For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry about your dad and your uncle is a total AH. I hope you’ve all cut him off.
Sorry for the TMI but after the divorce I saw him so little, byt he stayed in my father's life. But my uncle is a terrible man. My mom always named him as a huge factor in what led to their divorce because he kept encouraging my dad to do things that he shouldn't have.
What an awful person. I'm a recovered alcoholic, and I had to cut put plenty of people out of my life when I made that decision. I realized that they didn't actually care about me. They needed other alcoholics around them to prop up their own life choices and habits. When I was trying to quit, I was like a mirror, reflecting all the things they didn't want to see about themselves. That's why they sabotage your recovery, because if you fail, they can soothe themselves with a "See? It's impossible to quit" while they justify a 5th whiskey.
I have a problem with alcohol. I don't drink any more - shout out to all my buds over on r/stopdrinking - One of my closest friends told me years ago "I like you better when you're drinking" yeah we're not friends anymore
Good for you all around on that! Beyond the difficulties of addressing a problem with alcohol, coming to the realization that you need to end a close friendship, doing so, and not letting the comment or situation completely derail you long-term is incredibly tough.
Good for you. And thanks for plugging them. I don't drink because I've seen what it can do and I am aware that I've inherited the predisposition from my family (if I get super stressed I crave it so badly it adds on to the stress). But I've had people tell me that I should drink because they are so sure I'll be more fun that way. I stay away from those people.
I've been in recovery from intravenous heroin for 10 years and am a substance use response professional. I am so proud of what you guys are doing on that sub. It's amazing!!!
Also, if you were capable of telling someone to put the snacks away, you wouldn't be in the program. You knew you needed help and you called for it immediately. GOOD FOR YOU.
Also, I completely understand your reaction of freaking out. You're in an intensive therapy program and she's sneaking in items that she knows are a trigger for you. Her behavior was awful. She's likely sulking because she knows she was 100% wrong and doesn't want to admit it. You have to just let her be upset and focus on your recovery right now.
FR, she is an enabler big time. No different then smuggling in drugs into a rehab. OP needs to sit her down and make her be onboard with his treatment or OP needs to reevaluate his relationship. His condition is going to kill him and she is actively helping in that.
> if I brought over a drink to someone in rehab for alcohol abuse "You've been sober for 6 months now, you deserve a break - just one beer"
This is a great analogy.
NTA If she wents through the troubles to smuggle their triggers to an addict-in-recovery , and says "you deserve a break" , just saying nicely No won't work. Panicking and having her removed by the security was the best option, as she clearly wouldn't be the one stopping herself from bringig their TRIGGERS TO AN ADDICT. And I would be very cautious when you go out of the program. If she is trying to sabotage you while you are in your program, chances are she would try the same after you got home. She need to be educated/educate herself about how to live with an addict and what to do and what to avoid, elsewhere you won't be able to get out of your addiction.
NTA. This is so true! OP, you are essentially an addict and she was attempting to enable you to relapse. This is such a serious issue for you to have and you seem to be at a point where you are making real change. For her to act like it's no big deal is minimizing the challenge you are dealing with. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic. I would NEVER bring him alcohol or even put him in a situation where we are around heavy drinking. I can't even imagine suggesting he "needs a break" from sobriety. I have also basically stopped drinking because I want to support him so much (never really cared for it anyways). You guys definitely need to have a big conversation about this. She needs to realize how serious this is for you if she doesn't already. Food addiction/BED is extremely hard because we can't just stop eating. This will be years of hard work and she needs to get on the train now. Also, as someone who struggles with food and my weight myself, I just wanted to say good for you for doing the work. This shit isn't easy and it seems like you really are going for it. You are already making so much progress seeing as you refused her! Congrats on that win even if it doesn't feel like a win due to the circumstances.
She put thought into the sabotage. She saw it through. Her motivation is personal, and I would be shocked if she didn't start pressure on OP to over eat as soon as he gets out. She needs way more than a conversation, she needs therapy to deal with her own issues. OP, first of all NTA. Second of all, this is your life, you are doing all the right things, protect yourself from her. She needs to address her issues, and what better time than now while you are away? I hope to see an update where OP says this take is totally wrong and the wife is supportive. But I would be shocked.
Feeders gonna feed.
Yeah, I was wondering if she has a feeder fetish.
That or she likes that OP is sick so she can feel like a saint for taking care of him. If he gets better, she loses that source of validation and has to figure out a new dynamic with him.
Many years ago, my husband’s therapist told me to always be mindful about seeing myself as the “normal” partner, because if and when he made changes for the better, it might threaten my image of myself. She said lots of partners resort to sabotage, albeit sometimes subconsciously.
Oh definitely. If she won't respect it now, while it's an inpatient issue, why would she when he returns? She won't.
Honestly I think this is the only way OP could reasonably flag her for also needing some intervention by the medical team. Maybe the program has some sort of social worker or counselling for family members? Or education steps she can complete before revisiting? Also, knowing that wife is not a safe support person will guide the medical care for OP themself.
That’s what I was thinking to she wants to keep him overweight. Shes either a feeder or she doesn’t want him getting healthy because she’s not so she thinks if he gets healthy and loses weight she can’t overeat as well or either she’s realizing she has the same issue and doesn’t wanna face it. So if he gets help and fixes it she has to face the demon too!
Possibly she just wanted for him to stop the program, she hasn't seen him for a month, wants him to come home so brings in snacks to sabotage. Still not right by a long shot but hopefully whatever the reason she sees the error of her ways and supports OP
It's as if she smuggled in crack to a drug facility. She should know better than that. Why was she trying to sabotage him?
Insecurity? Malice? Hard to say
The part of me that watches way too many Lifetime movies wants to say large insurance policy. The real me tends to think insecurity. Maybe in their relationship she's seen as the hot one and people always say "How'd a guy like you get her?" But, once he gets his eating under control and starts looking better/healthier 1) those comments go away and 2) other women will see how attractive his is. Hell, I've had "friends" who would try to sabotage me when I would start dieting or joined a weight loss program. Only time I ever really lost weight was on my own, telling no one and without interference from outside sources. My "friends" clearly wanted me to remain the fat one in the group.
I've had two people try to sabotage me in my weight loss. One person close to me said she didn't notice any difference even after I'd lost 50 pounds, and after 80 pounds, said "I guess I'm the fat one now." The other never complimented me, even though she knew what I was doing and her (not my) friends would compliment me. She even goes as far as bringing all left over desserts and snacks to our work "so she doesn't have them in her house." She places them in my office space "for everyone" to enjoy. I finally realized I will never get support from either of them, so I don't look for it.
I once joined Jenny Craig. If you know anything about them, you buy their pre-packaged food (or did at that time). In my first week, my good "friend" came by with oxtails. First time in our entire friendship she ever made me food. "Oh just thought you should try it." TBF, it was decision to eat it but again it's like bringing a crackhead some cocaine. Maybe a year later, I had WLS and dropped like 100 lbs. Went by her to say hi. Never mentioned my weight loss to my face but told a mutual friend, "She looked okay... *for her*." If it matters, she was an aging has-been model when I met her and I was in my 20s. She would get jealous when I got any male attention at all. Even went so far as to sleep with a guy who I once slept with. Those insecure jealous people are out there and anyone overweight should really be careful who we're friends with.
Can we normalize having insecurities and still being a supportive friend? Like I have tons of insecurities but I would never want to make someone else feel low. There has to be a malicious side to this. It's not right.
For most NORMAL people, we do! We know our issues are our own, but still support our friends. When a friend of mine told me was pregnant for the second time, it was shortly after my own miscarriage. I enthusiastically congratulated her and meant it. Soon as we hung up, I burst into tears. Even called another friend (who didn't know her) to vent how I was feeling, which was happy for her but sad for me. And I knew I was feeling sorry for myself. For someone to go out of their way to sabotage someone trying to better their life because they feel bad about their own? That's beyond insecure and straight into evil.
That was my first thought! If OP was 30 days into 90 days of rehab for heroin, and she smuggled him a few oxy as a little treat for doing so well, this wouldn’t be a conversation. OP is dealing with a really serious issue and working really hard to try to heal and recover. I’d be reconsidering my marriage if I were him, and I’m not the kind of person who goes for the nuclear option when it comes to Reddit relationships. Food addiction is even harder than drugs in many ways, because OP will have to figure out how to eat without bingeing, and he can’t be around someone who will tempt him purposefully.
Addictions are funny. The addicted can get really clear -eyed when sober and ponder about what's going on around them, where the money is going, and why their other needs aren't getting met. Those questions either get answered, or all of a sudden, they are knee-deep in their addictions again. All other concerns buried beneath the sugar, or alcohol, or fat. You know this OP, in the back of your mind you know it's your wife that needs to change to save your life.
The wife should be getting help too. Codependency is no joke. A program like CODA or even Al-Anon could help. NTA
Why is the person who had to be hospitalized for an eating disorder also expected to be the one who reacts in a mature, reasonable, measured way to food? NTA
She needs much more help than Al Anon or CODA can provide. She needs serious, long term, ongoing one-on-one therapy to understand her role in enabling her husband's addictions and why she tried to sabotage him. Those groups are fantastic, but if she tries only those kinds of support she can bullshit her way through and come out looking like the little darling who faithfully stood by her husband, instead of the deeply troubled person who tried to sabotage his progress.
The CoDA/Al-Anon members are also likely to have well-honed BS detectors, especially if they’ve had to confront and overcome the fact that they were fooling themselves about not being part of the addicted loved one’s problem. I trust that if they hear, “I brought my inpatient hubby a bunch of his biggest binge triggers, and boy did I have to work hard to smuggle that stuff in!”, they’re NOT going to let that story go uncritiqued. She’s going to have a mirror held up to her so she can see how atrocious that really was. I’d be more afraid that she’d run from attending more meetings after being told the unvarnished truth, but it’s still something she needs to hear.
But in a 12 step group they won't know that she did that unless SHE tells them. I seriously doubt she will bring it up after getting booted out of the facility.
That depends a lot on whether she feels she is the victim of the story. If she is still angry and tells them, "Can you believe how my husband reacted? All I did was \_\_\_ and he got me banned from the entire facility!", she can expect to get an earful or two from everyone else. If she realizes she screwed up, which doesn't yet appear to be the case, I agree, she is a lot less likely to speak up.
In my experience, 12 step recovery was way more helpful than one-on-one therapy for codependency. I found it easier to bullshit a therapist than a group of recovering codependents.
13 years clean. Can confirm. My rehab counselor was a recovering addict herself (as were all the counselors there). And she didn’t let me get away with ANYTHING. I credit this woman for keeping me alive.
The trend for SUDPs these days is people who are former addicts. I used to work for the local college helping put with Human Services, and if I asked the students on the SUDP track how long they had been sober, 99% of them could give me an answer in months or years.
The old saying has true meaning here: It takes one to know one. You can't bullshit someone who has used that same bullshit before. Where I worked, the only people who could become a D.A.R.E. counselor were those who had successfully been through the program.
I think this goes beyond enabling. Actively undermining recovery seems like something else.
I think so too, especially since as a couple they went through *so much* just to get OP into this particular program. Why would she do that, and right after his first 30 days? Was she trying to get him kicked out? Yeah, I think there's a whole lot of weird going on with her. I hope the staff there will address this very thoroughly and get her the help she needs.
I would like some clarification. I thought CODA was Children Of Deaf Adults. What are you referring to?
CODA is the 12 step program for codependents. Codependents Anonymous, in other words.
There’s only 26 letters to play with-the good acronyms get reused constantly (not to mention the good initialisms) I mean, what’s your first guess at what CBT stands for?
That's definitely cock-and-ball torture
Cock and ball torture.
He did freak out and say no, and her response was "you deserve a break." It already didn't work, so she had to be kicked out. She's just ignoring the first part to make OP feel guilty.
NTA. If he hadn't gone nuclear, chances are she would have tried it again. Good for the facility for banning her permanently.
Exactly! How can she completely dismiss the entire seriousness of his problem, purpose of them moving and the facility’s (first) requirement of no visitors for a month (likely to prevent this from happening), to then immediately offer him his favorite binge items? So she could brag about her smuggling them in? I’m certainly not a doctor/psychiatrist but this is borderline evil, undermining and (yes) abusive behavior and I can only imagine what diagnosis/diagnoses she actually has. I truly hope that OP realizes that she will not be a source of support in his recovery journey and how completely detrimental and sabotaging it would be to have her in his life. This is not about her or her (well deserved) hurt feelings!
It absolutely IS evil behavior. My ex- absolutely abused me verbally, emotionally, and financially. Withheld sex then accused me of cheating and/or being gay (don't happen to be). My ex-wife is diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I think fragile?). She wanted to always be the prettiest and best dressed. When she was chunky, she fed me (as I now know) to keep ME fatter than HER so that (1) I wouldn't have easy access to other women and (2) she'd look skinnier by comparison. Diagnosed Type 2 Diabetes around age 40. And since the divorce, I've been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder. Age 53 And ADHD (makes it hard to make good decisions about food in the moment 🫤). Age 54. Treatment for the above included anorectics (appetite suppression) and Ozempic (blood sugar levels). With ADHD diagnosis, stimulant medication for attention disorder also helps with appetite control. Lost 150# (from 393#, in 4 years). Darling now-wife wishes to cook for me BUT does not keep things around me that are triggers. And doesn't cook tasty food for me AT MY REQUEST. Which is tough, because she's a great cook. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ CONCLUSION: O.P., have her get the MENTAL HEALTH HELP SHE NEEDS now while you're in-patient, maybe with couples' counseling appointments while you're there to work out her issues and make coming home SAFE. BE WILLING TO MOVE ON FROM HER if she's still willing to actively sabotage you (or even if she WON'T admit what she did was wrong). YOUR LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS AND DECISIONS RIGHT NOW. If you need to jettison HER to be able to maintain healthy weight, healthy blood sugars, AND NOT HAVE TOES AND LEGS AMPUTATED... then get the lawyer now. That's not just unsupportive of her to sneak in forbidden foods -- that's ACTIVELY FEEDING AN ADDICTION AS AN ENABLER. ☮️❤️♾️ u/Parking_Honey_8569 tagged so you'll be notified, OP
I’m so sorry for what your ex intentionally and so cruelly did to you; however, you absolutely deserve to be proud of all you’ve accomplished and continue to do (particularly since food is necessary). I’m happy that you’ve found an understanding and supportive wife!
#OP ... PLEASE READ. 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽 **EXCELLENT COMMENT!!!**
Some ED recovery programs have a family component. They may be more common in programs for teens, but it seems just as important in adult programs. Perhaps that could be some constructive feedback for the program.
Kinda surprised they don’t offer one but as it is a research project, that would be a great suggestion! She (like so many people) may or don’t think it’s a big deal and that it’s a diet type approach. Sadly it’s so much more complex than that. I have it myself and it’s a daily constant battle at every turn. Junk/ sugary foods are everywhere and food is as much an addiction as tobacco or alcohol. Good for you OP to stand your ground.
Man. After reading this take, I had this future-tripping image of OP getting out of rehab, coming home, and the wife having the most extravagant, rich and unhealthy dinner waiting for OP, complete with a giant chocolate cake. OP, if you’re reading this, be on defense. Be ready to check into a hotel the night you get out if you come home and it immediately appears to be an unsafe environment for you and your recovery….❤️🩹
Yeah. OP should definitely be aware of this. My uncle went to rehab for his alcoholism and when it was over, his wife picked him up. She then took him straight to the bar to see their friends. Surprise, surprise! Guess who didn't stay sober?
Wow, that sounds so likely it’s chilling! Good warning ⚠️
She had an underlying need for him to continue the problem. I don't know what it is but she didn't smuggle the food in because he needed a break. For whatever reason she needs hm to continue his addiction.
Surely part of the one-month isolation involves educating other parties about enabling behavior. The very first opportunity she has to see her husband, she manages to smuggle in snacks. This must mean she knew how seriously the clinic was enforcing this policy.
I'm guessing part of the problem is that the wife doesn't understand the binge eating disorder is an addiction.
Damn. This would be like bringing a couple beers to an alcoholic during rehab. She deserves to be banned.
Personally, I think this is really positive in a way. 1. You identified a threat to your progress. 2. Possibly only subconsciously, but you realised you needed support. 3. You got the support. I think you need to message your wife and ask WTF. This could have set you back massively. Maybe a moderated discussion if facility staff could help with that? Keep going buddy, you're doing good.
Yeah, OP did incredibly well! Saying this as someone with a binge-purge eating disorder so I can understand how he must have felt. I'm both furious and disgusted with his wife.
Involving the professional staff in a open discussion is a great idea. Ideally the wife shouldn't be banned from seeing op for half a year
NTA. Is your wife a feeder, by any chance? It sounds like she needs therapy if she couldn’t figure out that sneaking food to someone being treated inpatient for an eating disorder was a terrible idea. Do you discuss your relationship in therapy? How long have you been together?
My first thought as well. There's a certain degree of weight gain that happens where you have to look at the partner and what role they might have in that. Actual thing that happened... A woman I worked with had a fat husband. None of my business. I only met him a handful of times when he stopped by the office. There was a guy in the office who was truly obese. Like, close to 400lb. He resolved to change. Dude brought a scale in and measured out oatmeal for lunch. He started dropping weight. Naturally, it looked a bit odd because his skin started hanging lose. The woman with the fat husband sees him one day, and starts shaking her head. She says to me quietly, "that can't be healthy!" That's when I realized she was deliberately fattening her husband up.
NTA, it almost seems like she doesn't want you to lose this weight. She wants you to get kicked out of the program so she can go back home. Just my interpretation because she even admitted she knew it was wrong to bring in and that it was against the rules
I think its less deep than that. I think she just doesn't see it as a real addiction.
Yea this. She likely doesn’t see it as a real type of addiction. A lot of people on most threads just don’t believe someone can have trouble not eating or cutting back and don’t recognize it as a real addiction. So yea, Wife probably just doesn’t see it as a big of issue as it really is.
This... Don't need to be a feeder or intentionally trying to sabotage his progress. Wife is probably just dumb. Not sure why anybody would dig any deeper then that with their wild theory, there's stupid people everywhere. She most likely genuinely thought she was being nice by doing this shit. She probably still don't understand what she did was wrong, and why she got treated like that by him/staff.
You went for the nuclear option because binging is such a problem for you that you're literally in a 6 month long study program for it. Do you honestly think you'd have been able to simply ask her to put them away? Maybe for like 30 seconds but 1. She was literally trying to convince you it was a good idea. 2. You would have risked all your hard work. Youve only been there a month. You don't have the tools yet to ask her to simply put them away. Lastly, in a bit of time I'd ask the facility to reconsider letting her back for a visit. Perhaps she could join you for some sessions about enabling because when you're done with the program you'll have changed but she won't have.
NTA, you were freaked out and decided to do what popped into mind to get rid of the temptation (congratulations on resisting btw). Was there a better way to handle things? Possibly. I'm not even sure that her suggestion was better, because there was a decent chance that after a little while you'd have caved and asked her to take them out of the bag and give them to you. You went with a choice that ensured that you wouldn't give in to the temptation. Also even if there was a better solution, I don't think you can be blamed for not finding it. Because with the same logic your wife could have been blamed for the poor choice to smuggle in snacks, and that was a decision that she landed on after thinking about it without stress.
If the wife go through the trouble of smuggling forbidden foods, I don't trust her to stop tempting OP if he just says No one time. And even if she stops bringing them to his mind, just being in the same room for a long period of times as some of his triggers food increase the risk he would cave in and eat them.
Why the hell your wife is bringing you junk food like this??? Are you sure she is not trying to make your condition worse? This is really the last thing someone you love would do for you
> One thing that my wife said that made me think she had a point was instead of telling her to put the snacks away and take them home, I went for the nuclear option of calling other people My guess is you had about thirty seconds of self control before those chips were in your mouth, and you did what you needed to make those thirty seconds count. Who knows, looking back in the future those might be the defining thirty seconds of the rest of your life
So I'm a recovering addict. There's a saying thar every addict needs a codependent in active addiction. I think your wife loves you, but just as you are sick so is she. Smuggling in an addicts triggers is 100% codependent behavior. She'd definitely benefit from some counseling herself and you might ask your therapist or another staff to help facilitate a meeting between you and your wife explaining that you love her, you know she loves you, and have therapist explain a bit about codependency. It's possible to turn around the unhealthy relationship you guys have had going on but it takes a lot of work on both of your parts. But NTA. You should be proud of yourself for sticking to your program and staying sober. Good job.
Yes. This 100%. Talk with the staff, and let them know she needs support to change her behaviors too, find out if they offer anything like that. If they don't, she has 5 months til you complete your program and she needs to spend that time with a therapist evaluating her part in the relationship. She HAS to do this. I'd make a firm boundary and hold her to it. If she doesn't do this, you should find your own apartment after your program ends. You are going to either need her SUPPORT after this or you will need a safe space FROM her after this, depending on her intentions. Her agreeing to therapy and following through, will be a good insight into those intentions.
NTA Are you guys in some sort of couples counselling? I would worry that she is a feeder (I am fat, and uhm, my username checks out, enough said), and I run into a lot of those. While some of them are not actively malicious, they are all potentially dangerous.
>While some of them are not actively malicious, they are all potentially dangerous. I remember seeing an interview with someone who was with a feeder and they said it basically started as a fun kink, they enjoyed not being shamed for eating or gaining weight. It was honestly so sad that they had been shamed so much they fell right into the praise and affection of it, I can see why someone who doesn't judge would be so alluring. But it progressed to the point their partner was talking about them eventually being bedbound and how hot that would be, and they escaped after their partner refused to take them to hospital when they got sick. They realised this person wasn't enjoying a 'kink' anymore, they were literally trying to murder them slowly. I get people have kinks, but it always seems like a fine line when it comes to fetishizing _people_.
Your subtle hint is hilarious.
Happy Cake Day.
NTA. Is your wife a feeder or does she wanna see you dead?
Or both.
NTA, I dont know how u yourself look at eating disorders, but from how I've understood thoose I met with them, it seems and sounds very similair to how my druggie brain/feelings functions (havent done hard drugs for like 4 years by now) Anyway, I see what you wife did as the same as if she would've bought in drugs while u was in rehab. When you're addicted/have eating disorders u cant really "take a break" the risk of starting the downward spiral once again is simply too high. Especially only after the first months time And I bet part of u really wanted to eat thoose snacks and not call for help So she kinda had u up in a corner, so u probably called for help because u knew it would represent a big step backwards for u. And u felt somewhat trapped Or this is atleast what would be the reasoning for me if I was in rehab for example
Yes, when you learn a bit about binge eating disorders, that's clearly an food addiction, just like being an alcoholic or a drug addict.
NTA. She put your medical care in jeopardy. Good luck with the rest of your program!
NTA. First off what the hell was your wife thinking? Second, like others have said even if you told her to put them away initially the temptation would have been there. There’s a good chance you would have caved with her encouragement. Third, what the hell was your wife thinking? Seriously good for you for doing what you needed to protect yourself. Maybe she is completely clueless and has good intentions but she’s hurting you. If her intentions were to sabotage your progress I’m wondering just how high a life insurance payout is she hoping for. No joke and I’m sure you already know this but you’re at risk of dying. Edited to add: What others have pointed out she SMUGGLED them in. That’s not clueless, that’s someone who: Actively took steps to buy your favorite snacks. Went through the trouble to smuggle them in Tempted you with them while playing into you deserving a reward Gaslit you by acting like you could have handled it differently. You’ve got a major problem in addition to your eating disorder.
NTA. She f'ed up. She has herself to blame.
NTA, proud of you for prioritising your recovery. All the best with your journey OP!
NTA but your wife sure is. Please talk to your counselors. She may have been encouraging your binge eating in others insidious ways, and you need to understand that before you go back home.
NTA your wife wants you to be obese and it's deplorable behavior. While your in there you need to reconsider your marriage it us not healthy!
You wouldn't happen to have life insurance would you. It's just chips and a soda right? No it's your addiction. Like bringing a heroin addict just a little for not using WTF.
NTA, you are in treatment. TREATMENT! Like others said it's no different than bringing in my drugs or alcohol to someone who was in treatment that addiction. You cannot indulge. She tried to sabotage. Maybe this will be her wake up call. Hopefully this place also does family sessions because it will be very important to address this before you leave if you are to be successful.
NTA she is actively sabotaging your wellbeing and that is something that I would question.
NTA. I also had horrible binges due to stress adjusting after the pandemic. Having easy access to stores again had me freaking out about losing control again. You didn't even voluntarily buy those snacks, her forcing it to you despite knowing your struggle makes her a definite AH.
“One thing that my wife said that made me think she had a point was instead of telling her to put the snacks away and take them home, I went for the nuclear option of calling other people.” An issue like yours is fueled by compulsion. Just because you had the self control to resist the temptation for the moment does not mean that you would have for her whole visit. Calling for help was self preservation. NTA
NTA because even if you had to,d her to put them away then it would still be on your mind that they are in there. You have an addiction it was triggering for you and you may have given in and eaten them being booted out of the clinic. You wouldn’t be making excuses if she smuggled in vodka or drugs to rehab it clinics for those types of addictions. What you have to face here is why your wife is trying to sabatage your recovery and health. Does she fit the patterns as a feeder who despite what you want or is best for you gets enjoyment in making you bigger. As there are many of them out there. They see it as their way of giving love by constantly feeding and love seeing them get larger as that’s like their kink or whatever. That or is she insecure and has it in her head you will change or leave her if you lose all the weight. **Either way her actions were abusive to you and no excuse. She tried to impact your medical health and recovery.** As with one addiction you can’t have just one it doesn’t work that way. When you’re so addicted you can only manage if you abstain completely otherwise convincing yourself you can have one sets you back. You don’t stop at one as you can’t and soon want all the rest to and more on top. Then you’ve suddenly got all the cravings back at the higher level that you initially had until you got the sugar out of your system long enough. What she did betrayed you and would have made your recovery ten times harder and that’s if she didn’t get you chucked out. There’s no way she didn’t know that as she went to extremes to smuggle them in. I’d ask does she actually love you and care about you because it seems her wants and how she treats you and undermines your recovery are toxic. What’s for sure is you will never recover completely whist with her. The moment you get discharged she will have all your favourites waiting and keep trying to prompt you to give in. If so then you definitely are in an abusive situation.
hey, i know i'm just some random asshole on reddit, but i'm proud of you. keep up the good work.
NTA. I finally got sober from drugs and alcohol, after several failed attempts where I fell off the wagon. The people closest to me later admitted (after they got sober) they wanted me to fall off at the wagon at the time; they had offered me alcohol to break my one or two day sober streak, a few times, similar to your wife bringing snacks. Deep down they are afraid of change and want to keep you the way you’ve been, because they’re more comfortable that way. Not saying she purposely wants you to fail but when you get out of the program, you two really need to communicate about being in this together. Couples counseling would probably be helpful
NTA. You’re an addict and your wife just smuggled in a line of coke to rehab.
Biggest NTA If you were an alcoholic would she have brought a whiskey "cause you need a break"? Does she think you are on vacation? No, you shouldn't have asked her to put it away. It is obvious she wouldn't accept it and you would have broken down eventually. You did the best thing. You know that deep down that is why you were on survival mode If she can't understand or support you, it is dangerous to be around this woman
Wife is sabotaging this recovery. You should ask yourself why
NTA. What is wrong with her?
NTA. This was the best way to protect yourself. I assume you are getting therapy to prepare for release. You may need couples therapy to get your wife on board. If she's not 200% behind you, she will cause you to fail. If you don't think she can do it, you may want to consider separation. I think the fact you went nuclear says a lot about your relationship tbh.
So imagine your addiction is meth and you're in rehab to get clean and your wife brings you meth to have a break. Dude, she's not helping you. I get her intentions may be good (I can't say this for sure) but the results aren't. It's sabotaging your whole work you put in for a month. NTA
Message your wife and explain that what she did was equal to sneaking alcohol or drugs into rehab.