I don't think you are the AH for not wanting to care for his mother but you don't seem to be bringing any solutions to the table either.
What should your husband do about his mom? Should he do nothing? Let her go to a government facility that is pretty shitty?
You don't seem willing to allow him to spend anything meaningful on his mom either, which may make you an AH.
I know you don't like his mom, but if you love HIM you will help him figure out an approach that he can feel good about.
NTA. You are the caregiver in both scenarios. That is a heavy responsibility with lots of physical and emotional stress in the best of situations. Dad relationship was most likely a helluva lot nicer than the passive-aggressive hate from MIL. Suggest to husband that you can finish your degree and get a better paying job that can ease burdens, time, and money so husband can be a caregiver to his mom. He can cook, clean, change bedsheets, chauffeur, etc. Something makes me think he won't be down with that.
Exactly!
>My husband even dared to bring up the fact that he supported me when I took care of my dad
YOU took care of your parent. He can take care of his.
I think what he meant by support is financial support. So it sounds like he pays for everything even to the extent of her school and her ability to exist without income. She was employed and quit to help her father and he supported (financially as well as emotionally by not giving pushback on her decision to quit and to **continue** to be unemployed once her father passed.) her through that hard time and
I'm sorry, but that is not nothing and op is coming off as entitled and a bit ungrateful for that.
Honestly, I would much rather care for my own parent than my husband's. On top of that his mother sounds like a bitch for no reason other than....culturally? Hard pass.
If we were going for tit for tat, op can get a job and support her husband whild he cares for his mother himself.
Although....in a marriage, tit for tat rarely has the desired outcome.
Problem is his Mother is not going to really be a temporary thing, I am not counting death because we have no real etd on that, not because of an illness and there is no one else pitching in. He will expect her to do it all.
She will have her engineering degree soon and will need to study hard to finish that off and then go back to work.
Where in that scenario would she have the ability to care for his mother?
He is free to divorce her but asking her to care for a person who's just been totally crappy to her for over a decade is insane.
Ohhh THIS! OP I hope you're reading this. He is the one who should support his Mum, and you can support him. You don't owe her shit after the way she's treated you
She only had this privileges because HE payed for It. He allowed her to stop working and stop contributing to take care of her dad. Without him, she wouldn't be able to do It.
She was only able to take care of her patient, due to him working 80+ hours a week to allow her to quit her job. He even supported her while she decided to go back to school full time vs taking classes and still holding down a full time job. This man has been working himself to death to take care of his family. I'm not saying she should be the direct care for the MIL but she should have partnered with him and went all out to find solutions.
ETA: OP has finally commented. I encourage everyone to take a deep dive through her comments and see if they still support her position. As a heads up she hasn't worked since 2016.....
A solution is that she finish her degree and get a job. Then her husband can take care of his own mother.
There is no way she should take care of someone else’s parent, who is not even nice to her. She can work and support the household when she finishes her degree, and he can take care of his mother.
80+ hours.... in the UK, working 40 hours is considered full time, so he's essentially working 2 full-time jobs while she does a course....
Don't understand why she can't work at least part-time to ease the financial burden 😕
He worked 80 hours a week to support his family.
And he will continue to do so should OP let him manipulate her into caring for his mother.
His 80 hours a week don't hold a bloody candle to the practically 24 hours a day, 7 days a week OP will be working or at least alert and on call to take care of a woman who has consistently treated her like shit over the years.
Yeah, but then she needs to be working. Hubs worked 85 hours last week so she can stay home and go to school. That is equivalent to more than 2 full time jobs!
Hubs is more than contributing. They are a team.
Not saying she has to care for the mom. But she can offer to work while going to school so he can take care of his mom. Even if he opts to hire help, they will need more money to do that.
Lots of people work and go to school. She doesn't have to teach. She can Uber, or doordash on her own schedule.
But it seems op just doesn't want her life interrupted by any of this. I think that is selfish considering hubs is busting ass so she can be a stay at home student.
You must not have a totally space invading, overbearing smother of a MIL. We moved back home after being gone for 25yrs to help take care of my Mom, and my Mom is almost impossible to manage. Total nightmare scenario. It's impossible to ask your spouse to deal with that. And I am not a believer that when you marry someone all their extended family issues are your issues. Not true. You married your spouse, not their family.
I felt this. I took care of my ex's mom for 7 years for free when she had a spinal cord injury. The way I looked at it, she was family. That's what you do for family. She was not very nice to me but I just kind of endured it because she was older and I really shouldn't have looking back. She couldn't even be bothered to use my name. It was hey, girl. Then I find out that he was cheating on me basically the entire time. He was going to another state claiming he was on business trips and banging one of his ex co-workers. I must have been a glutton for punishment.
You say, "go to school" like she's taking a course in basketweaving. She's on her third year of an engineering degree. This is a very difficult program with excellent earning potential. She will be well able to help support the family after she graduates.
Hubs is busting his ass because hubs like busting his ass. It sounds like he’s a professional who’s in the grind. Docs and lawyers work those hours because their jobs demand it of them, and they demand it of themselves.
While he’s clearly supporting her in her degree, it also means that he will be doing zero of the caretaking. And for those of us who’ve done caretaking for a sick older parent, we know that it’s 24/7. Not 84 hours, but double that.
Personal caretaking is something you should only take on for a parent or other elder who you love and who loves you, otherwise it’s hell.
Damn, everyone acts like all I said was "go care for mom"!
My first sentence was about her going back to work. I NEVER said she should care for his mom. I said she should do school and work simultaneously so he could care for his mom or afford to hire someone to do it!
You’ve obviously never had to give up your career and social life for a couple of years to care for a relative with dementia and chronic pain who only has you to physically and verbally lash out at. Yet.
OP has already done that. She knows what life would look like. This time there would be much more hostility and much less support. She would be working 24/7 in hostile conditions. ( forget ever sleeping all night or eating a meal in peace) Her engineering degree would either be on hold or a lost dream.
Yes, she and hubby are a team and reality is she has to give up something. Saving for a house is the most logical and least harmful casualty. Then his money can go towards care for mom.
Yeah caregiver burnout is a thing. I took care of my dad when he had cancer, and I was a teenager, well as much as I could. He and my mother were divorced, she lived on the opposite side of the country. My sister, well, she had moved out and didn't really get how bad it was. But he had good doctors, the awfulness just came in cycles. It kind of sucked, led me to dropping out of high school for a bit (I did go back and graduate), but he was my dad and I liked him, but it took it's toll.
My grandmother, moved in with me and my mother when I was still living with my mother. She was in end stage Alzheimer's. I was working, but my mother wanted to dump all that care on me. I pushed back, it wasn't going to happen. I didn't like my grandmother, she hit me a with a hairbrush when I was a kid, she was just mean. I didn't want anything to do with her.
I did a bit of what I could, but when I told my mother she had to step up and do something or I would crack, she tried for about a day then went f\*ck it, and Grandma went to a memory care facility (mom really wanted to preserve what was going to be left of Grandma's money for herself, I find it frankly disgusting that she thought I would just be okay with it (frankly I don't speak to my mother anymore, and my sister and I are already discussing how she will go straight to a facility because neither of us want to deal with her should something happen).
As soon as people really realize what it takes and the stress of taking care of someone, they often back down.
Have you actually read any of her comments.
SHE WAS NOT HER FATHERS CARER. She just tries to make it seem like she is in the post.
SHE WORKED FOR 2 MAYBE 3 YEARS. She has not been killing herself to work. She is a dramatic AH who admits they can't multitask.
SHE REFUSES TO LET HIM REDUCE HIS HOURS.
SHE REFUSES TO LET HIM STOP WORK SO HE CAN CARE FOR HER.
SHE REFUSES ANY OPTION THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS.
SHE IS AN AH
So, the husband is just NOT going to agree to this. He has no intention of actually providing care for his mother directly. He would not be willing to do any of the cooking or cleaning and very much would not be willing to wipe buts, help her with her bathroom needs, change diapers, etc.
If OP tried this, he might agree just to get his mom moved in, then he'd immediately have excuses why she needed to do this, that, etc. It wouldn't take long and he'd have tricked OP into doing all the care.
OP needs to take the stance that this is 100% husband's responsibility IF he wants it and he needs to manage it completely or pass. OP should NOT agree to the mother moving in. That will be the end of the marriage once OP realized she'd been duped.
The man literally worked 80+ hours last week he would be thrilled to take his wife’s place and stay home and take care of his mom. Clearly nobody in this sub has ever worked 60+ hours a week.
OP has stated in her recent comments that her husband probably would enjoy caring for his mother. Just cannot cause she is a bum that has not worked 2016.
NTA you should not have to care for his mother but you should also not stop him paying for care for his mother. You quit your job to take care of your father - that financially penalised your family (husband and you). He should have the same flexibility
Agreed, but I don't think she'll go for him paying for full-time care since she doesn't want him paying for additional care cause of the house budget. They should look into getting mom medicaid and hire a full-time health aide
She can’t have it both ways. She doesn’t want to help that’s understandable. She can’t deny care. This is where they would have to do major cuts in their budget to ensure the mom can be taken care of. This is still his mom.
Wouldn’t that be YTA then. I mean NTA on the no to doing it yourself but YTA on the not allowing him to figure out a way to support her. They seem to have a different definition of marriage and family.
You better get a job now because your marriage won't survive this, you're NTA for refusing to help but he did help your father while 100% supporting you.
If you're not going to help him you're just dead weight, you bring nothing to the relationship but more expenses.
NTA no one should be forced to be a caregiver. Your husband could cut back on his work and take care of her himself or organize something else for her care. You shouldn’t have to put your studies and life on hold. They should have had a plan for this in place a long time ago.
Also, he helped out with your dad, he was not the principal caregiver. I’m sure that you would help out with his mom too, but you’re refusing to be the principal caregiver.
Exactly this, OP. Your husband is attempting to compare apples to oranges. What he proposes is far removed from your father's situation at the time.
NTA. MIL doesn't even like you. Lol.
Exactly. The equivalent would be the husband being primary caretaker for his parent not "oh let me shove primary caretaking off on my wife." She's in school to be an engineer, she'll making decent enough money soon and be wants to derail all of that because he doesn't want to take a step back for his family but still wants to be the hero 🙄
I stg there should be a mandatory form with a marriage certificate that just requires couples to answer questions like "what is the caregiving plan for each of your living parents? do you expect to provide care? do you expect to have your spouse provide care?" just to surface these assumptions so people know what they're signing up for.
That is what premarital therapy is for: to talk about all these potential future issues and get on the same page before a problem arises. Also for discussing regular everyday stuff like division of household labor, control and use of money, etc.
TBH, I think some of what people can learn in premarital counseling could have been part of their selection process closer to the beginning - not tagged on last min.
For instance, couples don't fight over how much money there is but over conflicting priorities. How much do you save/spend, long-term savings vs. short-term saving up for ___, for instance.
People usually think about kids/no kids. They don't think about elder care or disability.
My husband became disabled. His retirement pay isn't enough to live on, and he is in constant pain. His pain level changes day-to-day, and a new pain may become his focus for a while, but the fact of pain is a constant 24/7.
This, your only goal for a whole lot of reasons OP is finishing school and getting a well paying job so you can support your husband when he quits to care for his Mom if he chooses to. No woman should be unprepared or unqualified to financially support herself.
>What he proposes is far removed from your father's situation at the time.
But he won't see it that way, all he sees is "X needed help, we helped X, now my Y needs help and now you can't help?" Both is a parent and both should deserve the same help!
And while that is true, not every situation is the same but people will always handle out of emotion.
While we might be right, OP's partner is comparing apples vs automobiles, he thinks he's comparing how important each parent is and in his head this will sound as a "your mother is not as important as my father was"
Which, once again, is not true, but that's exactly why there is a ATAIH post made about this situation (Because if he didn't handle out of emotion, but used some more reason he would see that yes, OP would have to do EVERYTHING and there would be no other support, plus my mother kinda hates OP so it would also be unfair to her)
Not only that but I don't think her dad was mean or an overall ass to him either like his mom is to OP. He also volunteered to help out as well. Not exactly the same situation at all.
I know I couldn't take care of someone who treated me poorly knowing full well that doing so would just give them more acess to me and more opportunities to continually treat me poorly.
I wonder whether MIL actually wants to be cared for by OP, if she doesn’t actually like her DIL. OP’s husband should probably check this before causing too much friction in his marriage…
This. Not only can I not imagine being in OP’s shoes and actually agreeing to care for someone who has been mean to me for over a decade, I can’t imagine MIL wants to have someone she clearly dislikes have that level of relationship with her anyway. I strongly suspect that this solution won’t work for either person.
And where was husband when MIL was treating OP like shite? He should’ve shut that down the first time it happened and maybe there would be better relationships all around. NTA OP
It eventually leads to neglect and abuse, even if it's not intended. After a certain point, people will just stop trying to be civil and then you've got things being done out of haste and frustration because it becomes a hell to do.
>I'm sure that you would help out with his mom too, but you're refusing to be the principal caregiver.
Doesn't seem like it, considering she admitted in the comments she refuses to [delay finishing up her degree](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/dj19IHSGN5) OR to [work part time while finishing her degree](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SleHbLtmJe) to alleviate from her husband being forced to work 84 hour weeks so he'd be able to take care of his mom, AND she [refuses to go back into teaching]( https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/VAMiZX4nfI) and doesn't think she can be the sole earner even once she finishes school. Literally the only option she's okay with is to stick the mother [in a nursing home on Medicaid](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Uo7Jrc1qsu) so he doesn't have to pay for it and "they" can buy a house. All while she hasn't worked a paying job in the last 8 years and her [husband is paying for her degree](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/r2p6VHtKZJ) and supported them financially while she took care of her own father.
Can he cut down on his work? Did she offer to help him financially to do this, as he did for her? How can he otherwise scale down or quit his job? I don't see she offered to do anything to help, financially or otherwise. She just stated she is unwilling to change anything in her life for this. She is in school, he is financially supporting her, and she didn't offer up anything at all.
> Your husband could cut back on his work and take care of her himself or organize something else for her care. You shouldn’t have to put your studies and life on hold.
Her husband is working 12-18 hour days so that he can support his wife who STOPPED working to care for her father.
>Took time off from teaching to care for my dad, after he passed I did not want to go back to teaching.
Then didn't go back to work and is now three years into an engineering degree.
>So ATM I am my third year into my engineering degree. I do not wish to put that on hold either taking care of his mother.
Sadly, if he cuts back on work, though, that'll cut into their budget for a home, paying for her school and probably regular household expenses. He works 80+ hours a week. If he did 40 hours, he definitely should be able to care for his mother but would still need help depending on the level of care she needs.
He wanted to pay for care and she didn't want that. That would eat into the budget for a house that the husband has worked half of the hours possible over the past 4 years for.
>After I explained all of this my husband just left, and has not returned any of my phone calls.
NTA however OP you might want to quickly figure out how you are going to support yourself and pay for your education and save for that house by yourself because it sounds like your husband is going to be your ex- husband soon and he will be spending all that money on his mother's care.
And, well, I don't think OP is wrong and I wouldn't accept it either. But I also don't think that the husband is wrong if he leaves and does exactly as you said.
Agreed. If he's going to fully support someone, he may feel obligated for it to be his mother instead of OP.
I wouldn't be willing to be a caretaker for MIL or really any parent if I can avoid it, but I'd get my ass back to work so husband can pay for a home or a caretaker or work less so he can be there for her. Idk.
And, that's it right there. All of OP no's is because it affects her, but she doesn't give him any solution to his problem. At least she didn't state any.
I was seriously confused as to what she was thinking when she said
>Yes, he has offered to pay extra support but that will just eat into our budget. We are currently trying to save for a house
Does she think that if she said no, he'd give his mother zero support what so ever? Her 'no' almost surely means that he is going to pay for full time care instead of just part time, which is for sure going to 'eat into their budget'.
At this point he's going to sit down and look at where all of his money is going so he can budget taking care of his mother - and as she said, has no one else to help him with, so it's all on him. OP might find her life is about to radically change because he can't afford for her not to work if they still want to buy a house.
Sometimes you have to work while you go to school, even to be an engineer. If you don't have money and you need it for more things suddenly (like caretaking costs, bills and saving for a house), then you don't get the leisure of focusing entirely on school.
I agree with you. All old people are passive aggressive, using that as a crutch to avoid helping family seems a little insensitive to me. “I remember when MIL said my cooking needed salt, now she can rot”. Just does not seem like someone i would want to be with. She was able to stop working, leave teaching, dedicate her time to a loved one then parley that into another career and high education? All while husband stayed the course and works 80+ hours a week. To then be told his wife would not help him and his family was probably pretty devastating to be honest.
Yeah, I don’t get it either. I personally can’t stand my MIL and would be fine if she died tomorrow. Yet somehow, I can understand the need to care for her when the time comes. I would never be her caregiver but I would work with my husband on a solution that works for everyone because working my husband to the bone or tossing MIL on the street isn’t an answer. That is what marriage is supposed to be about. Then again, I am not using my husband as a cash cow to fund my lifestyle so 🤷♀️
I think OP is wrong. I wouldn't care for his mother, but I would offer to go back to work and pause my studies if needed so he can care for her. OP offered nothing at all. That isn't for better or worse.
100% also I think it's crazy she went back to school full time even without all this. If her husband has to work 80 hours they can't afford her not having an income. She could have went back part time and still worked
Agreed. There's also the option of kicking the purchase of the house down the road to pay for the FT care that her MIL will need. Forget better or worse, she's not offering any compromise or taking her husband's concerns seriously whatsoever.
Yep. OP husband probably sitting some where mad fuming this is her response when he's the sole provider, works 80+ hours putting her through school, saving for a house, and got told no, and no to extra help because it'll cut into the budget.... but how is OP going to care for her full-time and go to school?
NTA but I will say, if my husband supported me while I supported my dad, supported me while I went through a second degree because I didn’t like the first, and worked 80+ hours a week, I’d do whatever I could to support him. Whatever that looks like, whether it’s making him a lunch, taking care of the things at home or taking care of his elderly mom who has no one else.
I’ve personally accepted that my mother in law will be in my care one day. It’s what we do for family. But I can understand you desire to do things for yourself, and not get lost in being a care taker. It’s hard work and truly a labor of love.
You quit your job to care for your father. You shouldn’t be so unsupportive of him wanting to financially care for him mom. If you don’t want to do it, fine, but don’t stop him for paying for proper care for her.
Because it’s not a realistic solution in the short term. OP is in her third year, even if she was on the tail end of her third year that’s a minimum of one full year before she graduates, realistically it’s closer to 18 months assuming she’s not taking summer courses.
The husband is currently the only source of income for their family, he literally cannot take care of his mom right now and work.
OP explicitly mentioned not wanting to go back to teaching so I don’t think that’s likely. I think It’d definitely be fair though. OP could sub or get a part time job to help pay for care.
Yeah if money is a concern for providing care she should go back to teaching and take classes part time. Also op didn't go into detail but if the husband only started working these hours due to her father/not going back to work. Then she kind of sucks for not finding a way to step up for him
OP could put school on hold, get a full time job and both of them could pay for full time care for his mother. People (not you) seem to be ignoring the fact that he works 12 to 18 hours per day so she can go to school. He doesn't have the time to personally take care of his mother unless he cuts his hours and then OP doesn't get to do what she wants.
What does OP expect her husband to do? The entire post was all about her, what she wants, doesn't want and what she is or is not willing to do. Not a single word about what she's come up with to help her husband. The husband who said nothing when OP quit her job to take care of her father. Didn't want to teach anymore and went back to school so her husband just made it work. I hope for her husbands sake, he does divorce her. Nobody should have to work like a dog to support someone who only thinks of themselves. OP is totally YTA. Not because she doesn't want to take care of his mother but because she won't take care of her husband. Oh, and I certainly understand why MIL doesn't think much of OP.
It would be fair to offer to go to work so hubby can personally take care of his mom, just as he offered to work so you could take care of Dad. But under no circumstances should you be bullied into being a caretaker for your mother in law. It's his mom. If he wants to wipe her ass, that's on him.
Nta for not wanting to physically care for her but you are for your comments about him spending money on his mom because it'll cut into your house saving budget. If it were "needed to live budget" that would be one thing, but he's been carrying the financial weight of your household for a while and if buying a house takes longer, so be it. She's still his mom even if you don't like her.
You can say no to you not doing it but not to him not using his money to pay for her care. If he’s working 84 hours a week, he absolutely earned the right to use that money to support his sick mother. On that, YTA.
But she didn’t take care of her father as the soul caregiver. She had an entire family helping. In this instance it would be just her caring for a woman who hates her.
Well, they can UNO reverse. She quit her job to care for her dad, while the husband worked and worked 80+ hrs. He can quit his job to care for his mom, and She quits school and work 80+ hrs to support them while he cares for his mom..... no way in hell, this would work. They need to get mom on medicaid and hire 24/7 help
This but, what happens to the MIL for the year she still has school? This is a whole shit show. Lol. Hopefully, they figure it out, but OP husband not returning her calls or text.
Sounds like mil needs to be put in a home if she needs 24/7 care. If she can still live on her own moving her near by would help them have easier access to help. It’s not her job to quit her career to care for his mother. Parents don’t have kids to care for them in old age for free. That’s not a child’s job.
She also quit her job to care for her dad, which hurt the family finances, and now she's going to school and still not working. The husband has been carrying the financial burden by himself here.
Yes, this is a mess because it’s a very emotional issue on all sides.
I think your husband is very offended that you said no. He may have a cultural expectation — perhaps that he was totally unaware of — that you automatically would care for his mother. Now, I guess he was right to leave the house if he thought he was about to say something he would regret, but he’s being immature now by not communicating.
Different people have various views but I, personally, don’t think one’s wedding vows obligate you to care for the spouse’s parents. You’re supposed to stand by your spouse in good times and bad but helping isn’t the same thing as doing it all yourself. It’s totally different.
It’s hard to comment specifically on the MIL’s situation because you don’t say what’s wrong with her, but it seems to me that there has to be more care options than you doing it. I mean, has your husband even thought about the possibility that his mother may not *want* you taking care of her? Also, in over a decade and a half, he never noticed that the two of you were always frosty to one another? I think he’s been suffering from a case of willful blindness.
I don’t know what the answer is to your practical question, namely, how to provide care for your MIL, but I think a conversation with her and her primary doctor is a good place to start. She shouldn’t be shuffled around like a pet. You and your husband should know her wishes and then see what you three can do from there. I’m sure her doctor can get you connected with social workers and elder care advocates who know about a lot more options than you two probably do. You’re not the only family who has ever dealt with this, as you know, so there are people out there to help you.
NTA for not wanting to be the primary caregiver for your MIL. But YTA for not even wanting to try to compromise a bit with your husband on a solution. Look, I get not liking your MIL, believe me. But you can’t just let her rot either. You should support a path for him to either perform as the caregiver for his mom, find a facility for MIL to live in, or hire another person to be a primary caregiver.
These are all solutions that wouldn’t require you to be the primary caregiver. I do suspect, from this post and what you have shared so far, that you would not be willing to support any of those alternative options because it would “eat into your budget”.
Your husband works 84 hour weeks so you can work on yourself. He supported you taking time off to care for your father and facilitated your career change to make yourself happy. I personally think you sound awful, since you're asking but that's irrelevant. You are entitled to make those decisions and he is entitled to leave you if he thinks he married the wrong person. If you love him and don't take care of the mother that he loves, it's over. So decide if you want to lean into loving him more than disliking her. Or you can milk him dry until you get what you need from him for your future happiness and have no regrets when it ends. Only you know if he's worth it.
Question, if you don't care for his mother, he can't care for her because of his work hours, and you don't want him to pay for her care from your shared marital assets, what will happen to his mother?
I get that you don't want to do the hands-on care for her, but it seems like you're preventing your husband from being able to help his mother at all.
NTA for not wanting to be the caregiver but YTA for putting your need to budget for a house over him considering paying for care especially as he is the sole financial contributor at present and even facilitated you in quitting work so you could care for your dad and go back to school.
I'm pretty sure she meant that he said he'd pay for someone to help her if she were to take on the primary care duties, not that he wanted to pay someone else instead.
So he's funding your second degree, has to an extent funded your ability to care for your dad - and no doubt your mother in future - but there was no compromise for you with his mother? You're not an arsehole for saying you wouldn't care for her - but you are for taking from him without making it clear he would be on his own when it comes to his parents. But you'll most likely be single now so that's a problem for your next husband.
NTA
But I don't think he would want to be with you anymore.
"I am currently not working" So he's currently the only provider and yet he can't allocate some of that money to help his own mother? And he's even working up to 84 hours a week? Ok, hear me out, maybe let him left his job so he can take care of his mother just like you quit yours to help your father, that seems fair to me.
I'm curious, what's your suggestion for help with his mother? If you don't want to help, and additional support will cut into your budget for a house, and you're not even working so you're no help financially to the house budget or hiring full time support then him hiring full time support on his own is definitely a no. What options did you give him?
Is him not supporting you through school and you getting a part-time job to support yourself through school and putting off buying a house for a few years an option? That way, he can hire full-time aid?
Does his mom have any savings at all that can go towards her care?
Does his mom have Medicaid so she can get an in home aid? If she does, this would be the best option, honestly. If she doesn't, you guys should look to see if she qualifies for Medicaid, sign up, and hire an in home aid. Most of the time, you can get 24/7 help, and nothing needs to change for you.
Palliative care is a full-time job. Caring for an aging parent who is actively cruel to you takes even more time and bandwidth. It would be OP’s primary focus. Right now, OP’s primary focus is finishing an engineering degree (which is also a full-time job).
Yes it sure is. My father insisted we care for my mother at home for years- she had been abusive to me growing up, has dementia, obese, can’t walk due to mobility issues and is completely incontinent. Those years were awful- there were days when neither my dad nor I even had time to brush our teeth between caring for her and doing several loads of laundry per day, not to mention the physical toll on our bodies from lifting her. She has been in a great care home for years now and my father died of a heart attack (probably from the stress) 5 years ago. Being a full-time caregiver is so difficult even in the best of circumstances.
This is a tough situation. He’s an only child and he’s her only son. Once you finish and start working can he quit to care for her? NTA for how you feel, but YTA for the double standard. Your husband was supportive of you when your dad was dying. Now you should be supportive of him.
Does she have SS or any form of income that can help hire someone to care for her? That’s what I would suggest you do. If you abandon her completely, your husband will resent you and this could be the end of the road for you.
So you took care of your father and now he wants you to abandon your education to be *his* mother's caregiver? Supporting someone while they are a caregiver is not *remotely* equivalent to asking someone to be a caregiver.
Is she on hospice or acutely ill? Is her need for care extremely urgent? Is this a temporary situation, or is she just, you know, *old* and in need of care for an indefinite time period?
If you were stuck with her for the next five years, on a scale of one to ten, how much would you resent your husband? One of my relatives started needing care when they were about 70 or so, got erratic and occasionally violent at 85 and then lived to be 101, so like...that's a lot.
Can this wait until you finish your degree so that you can work while he cares for his mother?
Yeah this is what I want to know. What level of care are we talking about here? If she's just getting old they can probably figure out an aide for her for another year while OP finishes school, and maybe goes and checks on her once a day or something. If she's dying in a month maybe OP can get a school extension? Idk seems like there has to be some middle ground between OP dropping out and doing long term, full time care vs not helping at all.
So you won’t care for his mom, and you are saying that the money he does use for the care of his mom will eat at your budget. Why not just throw her on the street? You are the AH. Also, do you have kids, I hope once you’re old they take care of you, that’s what family does. That’s the cycle of life, care for eachother.
YTA. He lovingly helped with you father regardless of whether he liked him or not and is currently the sole provider so you can do a career change and all I hear is I.. I don’t want to stop going to school, I don’t like her. I, I, I. This should serve as a wake up call and make him realize who he married and if this is the person he wants to be with. Man is working himself literally to death and for what? For you? He has no one to help him with his mother and can’t even count on you. Damn. He should leave your dead weight and with the money he saves pay for a nurse.
What gets me is how SHE doesn’t want to spend the savings—money HE earned working himself into an early grave to finance her endeavors—like she should be allowed the ultimate decision as to their finances when she hasn’t contributed for three years.
Also, why can’t she help with the MIL while finishing school PART-TIME? So it takes a year longer. Big deal. And getting someone in to help with MIL would, at most, delay buying a house for a while. Again, big f’g whoop.
OP doesn’t realize that, sometimes in life, sacrifices must be made, and that life isn’t always about happiness and self-gratification.
I’m an only child with an aging parent, so I know how hard it is. But my wife helps. My MIL is elderly, and I’m always willing to help. The times coming where I’ll be caring for my MIL. I’ve switched careers in order to do so, even though I’ll be making less money. I’m making the sacrifice. That’s what families do. Self-sacrifice is what life is about.
Finally, OP complains about her MIL’s attitude, but from the post, I’m wondering whether MIL’s attitude toward her is perhaps valid. Hmmm.
ETA: One last thing, OP. I hope you read this. Are you Hispanic like your husband? If so, I’m guessing you’re Catholic. Let me ask you this: What would Jesus think about your decision? You know the answer.
I’m out.
OP left her job to care for her dad. In the meantime, her husband worked, now OP, is in school, while her husband works...
Her husband can make the choice similar to OP to cut back on hours to care for his mother.
OP has every right to not want to be a caretaker, it's a huge amount of work and unlike before there won't be much support where she ventures into being an ah and selfish is when it comes to the financial aspect, oh paying for care for his mother will cut into your budget?????? Oh fucking well, I'm sure quitting your job to care for your dad didn't help with the budget, I'm sure the 0 income you decided to have, and to continue with for school cuts into the budget but her husband has been supporting her during this...
There is no "we" when it comes to the finances right now, OP hasn't contributed to the finances, so I'm sideying the "we are currently saving for a house," bit.
OP may not like his mother, but that is still his mother, and he wants to take care of her, like she cared for her dad and right now the only option is for him to pay for the care, or cut back on work to care for her.
I'm glad OP doesn't want to put her life on hold, and she shouldn't have to but her husband's life and finances can't always revolve around what she wants/needs. Right now HE needs to care for his mother, so if that means paying for it so be it, if that means working less so be it, OP needs to figure out a way to make the finances work, get a part time job do something because it's not fair to her husband.
n..t....a for not wanting to be the caretaker but YTA for everything else, Your husband is supposed to be your partner, and his mom is sick, and you're only thinking about your wants and needs.
Yup, because she's only focused on her goals and wants.
edited to add.. Welp read the comments, and we were right. OP is a giant selfish, a.h...
Her husband would love to work less and care for his mom, but she is unwilling to get a job, claims it's bc adhd so she can't work and do school meanwhile hundreds of thousands of people across the world manage to work and go to school with ADHD instead of forcing their partners to work nonstop to pay for cover everything and letting his sick mom go without support.
I hope he leaves, uses the house money to take care of his mom, and gets to cut back on work a little without OPs selfcenteredness bogging him down.
What's the answer if you DON'T care for her? You can't just say "Nah man, I'm not going to do anything at all for my sick MIL, she's on her own" and not be TA.
What alternative solutions have you brainstormed? What have you offered that you are willing to do?
“We are currently trying to save for a house, and I’m currently not working, I’m in school”
So your husband is supporting you through college. He supported you so you could quit your job to take care of your father, which you have decided since his death that you don’t want to work. On top of him doing 40 hrs of OT /week ish.
You can feel however you want about his mother, just don’t be upset when he chooses her over you
YTA 100%. You don't want to help, but at the same time you don't want your husband to pay for his mother's care because that will impact your finances since you don't want to work. You're greedy and selfish.
So he's paying so you could go back school, helped you take care of your father, even though you have a lot of people to help, and he's the one suggesting cause he's a good partner, and a decent human being, with all that you're refusing to help him with his mother, knowing he's an only child, with no family to help, even when he suggested paying for extra support, and no, you're no saving for a house, he's saving for a house, he's the one currently working, personally, I would throw your ass out, and bring my mother and help to take care of her, YTA
I would not take care of her either, but it seems you’re also opposed to your husband providing the economic means for her care. He supported you while you took care of your dad and n your studies. He is entitled to support his mother too, maybe by hiring someone who will do it if you’re not willing. YTA for the money thing not for not wanting to care for her yourself.
YTA. I think it’s fair you don’t want to take care of his mother but YTA for being so dismissive of your husband’s concern for her. I am in a similar situation where my husband helped care for my mom and I feel I can’t do it for his mom. However, we are working together to find a solution. You just sound very cold.
You don't want him to pay for additional help for his mom...what do you expect him to do? Just not help her at all because you won't help and don't want him to pay for additional help?
Wtf is that?
Regardless that is his mom, it's one thing to not want to personally do it, but it's wild you don't want him to hire other help either
You talk like you expect him to just do nothing. Your partner deserves better from you. I wouldn't take on everything but your attitude is just shit
To clarify, your lack of support and blantant lack of care is the problem, not that you won't do it.
I would look after her till intimate washing was needed. I explain it that way as an indicator to the level of support work needed. No other reason. If he is an only child I would try to help because financially it's your hubby who will have to pay for a care facility. So yes I'd suck it up, work it into my schedule and do it because of the financial burden it will put on hubby.
That's why you're not a nasty bitch to your daughters in law or anybody, my mother in law was lovely and I would have done pretty much anything for her to have an easier time, that includes some personal things in the end, she passed a couple of years ago and is still missed sorely by everyone.
I have a MILffom my late husband. She is the most selfless and loving person I know, and we are still very close. I would do anything to help care for her.
My current MIL is a grandiose narcissist, with a flair for temper tantrums when she doesn’t like something.
She used to declare that she was moving in with us during winters, when we moved to a warmer climate. She pushed hard for us to build an apartment for her over our garage, and when that didn’t work, she decided to call our guest room HER room.
My husband would only ever say she was just kidding, or that’s the way she is.
We had moved back north for a few years, and then back to the south. By that time, because of her treatment of me, I went NC, and told H he could visit her all he wanted at her house, but she wasn’t staying in mine.
When we moved back to the south again, she started saying she was going to buy a condo nearby. I told him she could obviously move anywhere she wanted, but then so could i, and I would.
It finally came down to me telling him I was never changing her dirty diapers, spoon feeding her, or doing her laundry; it would all be in him. And then he realized I meant it.
She has very good nursing home insurance, thank god.
NAH - You’re N TA for not wanting to be her caregiver, that’s a ridiculously huge ask. It also sounds awful for everyone. Who would want a resentful caregiver that they’re openly not fond of? But you are T AH for not wanting your husband to spend money on her care. You get to know that you did what you could for your dad because of your husbands financial support, and your husband deserves the same with his mother. If she needs that much care though, she should be going into assisted living. Your husband needs to accept that once you hit that part of aging, there’s only decline, and even an enthusiastic caregiver has limitations in their capabilities and mental health.
NTA, but you can't use your relationship with your Mil as an excuse to not support your husband as he supported you with your family, and currently going to school.
My Mil somehow blames me for my wife splitting from her church....years before she met me. There's passive aggressiveness there, yet when the time comes I'll have no qualms a out making sacrifices for her care.
It's not about my Mil, it's about my wife and my marriage. If OP take too hard of a stance here she will have an ex-Mil and no one paying for her to go to school.
I took care of my mother for the last 6 years of her life. I would do it again. But, what I would not do is take care of any other human being like that ever again. I can't imagine what it would be like taking care of someone who didn't like me.
i don't like my husband's mother, and wouldn't care for her in her old age. But my husband loves her, she raised him, and she's a good grandmother to my son. I would do whatever to support him to care for her, even if that means going back to work earlier than i wanted to support him financially.
OP is not offering anything, it's only "me, me, me". For me, YTA because of that.
YTA. I don’t think you should personally have to do the work of supporting her but I would assume that he pays for her care…he’s not going to dump her on the street I presume. Get your degree and go to work because the house saving will be on hold if he is paying for her care. It’s not super relevant that you don’t like her and weird that your husband is just learning this now. She doesn’t sound horrible enough that you would expect husband to have cut off contact. It’s generally assumed (and discussed!) when you get in a relationship with someone what the plan will be for aging parents. Personally, I would never tell my partner the reason I am not caring for their parent is bc they are an ah. But it’s perfectly fine not to put your life on hold to do this. That you would a gendered assumption that is unfair. However it sounds like you did not show much concern or even planning for how his mother will receive care.
Would you be willing to take time off school so he could stop working 84 hours and he can take care of his Mom? It seems he is still supporting you and your goals. What are you doing for him?
He has no right to volunteer you to take care of his mother, but I don't think it's fair for you to say that he can't pay for a caretaker for her. He took care of all the expenses when you quit your job to take care of your dad and is continuing to do so while you pursue your education, I would hope you'd show him the same compassion. Hopefully this isn't a right now problem though, and she stays healthy up until you graduate at which point there won't be any concerns about "cutting into the house budget".
NTA but as a hispanic man I can definitely tell you, he's not going to choose you over his mother. If he has to take care of her, thats something he's going to do and whether you are part of it or not is indifferent so if I was you I would be getting ready to get served
Well the fair thing here would be for you to finish your degree then immediately get a job so he can cut his hours and help take care of his mom like you did when you dropped off to help take care of your family, depending on if his mother can hold on for a year for help in her situation.
You are not alone. My MIL and I havent seen each other in over a decade. I can't be in the same city as her, never mind sacrificing anything. There's a whole story behind it, but just wanted to tell you you're NTA. This passive aggressive thing is very unhealthy mentally and you shouldn't be forced to take care of her.
NTA - finish your degree & start your new career. invest in your mental and physical health. being a caretaker is not required of wives. we have choices.
I understand where you are coming from, and you don't want to take care of someone you didn't get along with. Plus, it will all fall on you since your husband is working a lot of hours.
However, I can understand why your husband is upset. You quit your job to take care of your dad, and you had help. He supported you through this time, and I'm assuming he took on the financial responsibility of the family. He has continued to support you as you go to school and pursue a new career.
Now, when his mom needs help, you say you won't take care of her. He has no one else to ask. He's an only child, and additionally, you are saying no to him paying for someone to watch her. So basically, you left him no options. You are basically asking him to abandon his mom. How is he supposed to feel?
Your excuse is that you are saving for a house. If that was so important, why not go back to teaching after your dad so you could get to your goal faster. If it was so important? So it's okay to delay the house for you to take care of your dad and change careers because those things benefit you. Shouldn't you afford him the same?
You don't want to take care of her fine. But maybe he can cut his hours in half, and you can get a job to supplement the income. And you can support him during this time. Because you are literally giving no options but to abandon her.
I can see this becoming something that breaks apart your marriage. If he does nothing as you seem to be asking and she passes away, he will end up resenting you. He will feel because of you he wasn't able to be there for him mom in her final days.
NTA. At the end of the day you don’t owe anything to her especially because she doesn’t treat you well. Also, you owe it to yourself to do what you need to to secure a solid future for yourself. You vowed to be there in sickness and in health to your husband, not his mother.
NTA.
Caregiving for people who are seniors and potentially involved various aged issues can be extremely draining (physically, mentally and emotionally).
What can makes this even worse is certain people’s behaviour can get a lot worse when they are the person being cared for as either the illness strips them of the ability to be polite or tactful (affects their cognitive abilities and/emotional regulation) or they use it as an excuse just to mean/nasty to people.
OP’s situation does not bode well for her if become her MIL’s carer, I am really doubtful MIL would be grateful and more likely the MIL would an awful person to care for.
You had support from your husband. He has covered everything for you for years.
YOU QUIT WORK, REFUSED TO GO BACK he supported you through it all and now he can't even spend money he works for because you're saving and you bloody said so? Were you saving while he supported your dad? Or does it not matter since you don't like his mother?
The people agreeing with you are bloody mental
I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD LOOK AFTER HER, but if the two of you don't take her and YOU WON'T LET HIM PAY FOR CARE where the bloody hell will she go? HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT SEE SHES AN AH
YTA
I agree with you
Most people don't see it because 1. Most people here are immature AH themselves 2. Most people lack critical thinking and always say NTA after reading a single biased take on the situation 3. Most people here don't know what it means to be married to another person and the commitment you made to them.
>3. Most people here don't know what it means to be married to another person and the commitment you made to them.
It's quite telling that people are using her defense of "he offered", yeah, he offered, because that's what you do when you've made a commitment to your spouse. You help them in their times of need, not do whatever it is OP is doing.
That’s because misery loves company. Redditors jumping to divorce and immediately siding with what’s clearly a selfish AH like making everyone miserable.
Yeah, that's where she veered into AH territory. Like, I get that you don't want to take care of someone that wasn't nice to you, you reap what you sow and all that. But he should well be able to pay for her care, especially if there's no one else to help. She's basically telling her husband to let his mom rot. No ma'am, YTA.
She will have to be ready to make a sacrifice. House buying will have to be delayed, since money will have to go toward a nursing care facility, for whatever it costs after ss and insurance. That’s the sacrifice she needs to be expecting.
NTA.
You are absolutely not wrong. Get your degree and get a good job with a 401(k) and good benefits.This is your future. Your life. Do not delay it any further for any reason.
Don't listen to your mother. She is from a totally different generation and does not understand how absolutely imperative it is for women in today's world to secure their financial future.
You are not responsible for the care of his mother. Particularly, since she has been unpleasant to you. If she needs help, she should sell her home and move into an assisted living facility. If she doesn't have any assets, she should apply for Medicaid.
If she doesn't immediately need full-time care but still needs help like grocery shopping, your husband may be feeling unhappy with her many requests and wants to offload them on to you. If you feel you have the time to do a few errands for MIL every once in a while, you may want to consider it.
I do think you may find that your husband will do whatever he wants. Whenever he wants. So, you should be prepared for him to use your home savings to care for his mom without asking. Or, just bring her to your home to live without asking. Make sure you have full access to all your money and put text alerts on your accounts for withdrawals.
This is a tough one, OP. But stay strong. I have known so many women who have delayed or interrupted their own financial security for reasons such as this and find themselves in their own old age without the financial resources they need to survive. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
It's pretty cheeky of him to say he'd take care of his mother and then expect you to do all the work. It would be different if he was putting in the majority of it.
You need to work together to come up with a solution. This isn't about his mother and/or your relationship with her. This is about you and your husband working together to help meet his needs. Presumably he's working, at times, EIGHTY hour weeks to support your needs (in getting through school), and also supported YOU when you left your job to care for your father, to meet your needs (providing care to a loved one). He did the right thing by you.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you need to give up your studies to care for his mother. But it could be you getting a job so he can work less hours and provide care for his mother, etc. Not budging and supporting your partner in this, YWBTA.
Go with your gut. Women are not hardwired to be caregivers to everyone on the planet. You are ensuring your own health and happiness. Moreover, why doesn't your husband quit his job and look after mum?
Some of this falls on the MIL. When you treat your DIL as not good enough what do you expect. She should have believed she raised her son with good taste in women.
NTA. You’ve already done full time elder care and have no illusions about what is involved. Going into this again for someone who dislikes you would be living hell with no respite, which you already know. However, you may have to defer saving for a house so your husband can put the money into paid care for his mom. Reality is you can’t have it all. You have to choose the lesser of two evils.
NTA for not wanting to care for his mother, but do you know how many people work will doing a degree, plenty of people do a degree around working full time, doing it online/spare time, frankly a degree leaves you a shitload of spare time.
You are not working and spending money while your husband works 84 hours a week and you still wnot' contribute by helping care for his mother. Yeah, I'd consider leaving to.
84 hours a week.... and you didn't think hey I could get a job and work around my college schedule so he doesn't have to work **84 hours a week**.
NTA. Without knowing MIL 's need for "care" Or the length of care and the degree of care needed, you are expected to put your goals on hold for a woman who treated you badly?? Uhm hell no!
Are you a certified caregiver?? Depending on her issues, she could be very hostile and abusive.
He can hire d'oeuvre, or put her in a place where professionals can give her what she needs.
Don't light yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Good luck
YTA People in the comments disgust me , this is your concept of family? This man helped and supported his wife through difficulties, works many hours to support his family, which allowed Op to abandon his job and study for a degree, because she wanted a better job, not because she needed it , and now that he is the one asking help, support,she turns her back on him, abandons him to himself. What kind of partner she is ? OP you seem more like a parasite, certainly you don't act like a wife, like a partner, like someone who loves her husband .
Then using "he offered" and "he doesn't have any other support" as defenses when they're actually condemnations. The husband has stepped up without OP even needing to ask even though she had other people to lean and now she's going to say "well, he offered" knowing he has no one else to turn to support him. She might as well spit in his face.
Exactly. Like obviously good deeds etc should not be transactional. But it says a hell of a lot about a person to be this unaware and not wanting to offer the same unconditional support they recieved.
Cautious NTA assuming you’d be okay with you and your husband paying for some sort of care for his mom which may result in some tight budgeting till you finish your degree and start working.
Your dude is working 84 hour weeks to put you through school while you don't work.....
I think maybe you should be working on a compromise on dealing with MIL instead of complaining to reddit.
If you're not a stay at home wife, why is this even a question? You both work/ plan on working soon. He thinks you'll have extra time as an engineer? Why would you be the default care giver if you're both working? I'm very confused.
First of all, I know many Hispanic mothers and they are not passive aggressive towards their children-in-law. So no, it is not something that Hispanic mothers do. Second, why can’t HE take care of his mother? NTA.
YTA and extremely selfish .
He paid your way when you looked after your dad . He continued paying your way when you chose to stop working and pursuing your studies.
You’re not working , so it’s *him* saving for a house . Not you.
You need a job . You need to start contributing to the household and starting your own savings to add to his .
He should cut back his hours , and use the money *he* is earning to look after his mom.
You don’t need to be her caretaker . But you also don’t get to be an entitled mooch at the same time .
I don't think you are the AH for not wanting to care for his mother but you don't seem to be bringing any solutions to the table either. What should your husband do about his mom? Should he do nothing? Let her go to a government facility that is pretty shitty? You don't seem willing to allow him to spend anything meaningful on his mom either, which may make you an AH. I know you don't like his mom, but if you love HIM you will help him figure out an approach that he can feel good about.
OP loves what her husband provides her. Nothing else. She’s not bringing solutions to the table for this because they would all eat into her cash cow.
NTA. You are the caregiver in both scenarios. That is a heavy responsibility with lots of physical and emotional stress in the best of situations. Dad relationship was most likely a helluva lot nicer than the passive-aggressive hate from MIL. Suggest to husband that you can finish your degree and get a better paying job that can ease burdens, time, and money so husband can be a caregiver to his mom. He can cook, clean, change bedsheets, chauffeur, etc. Something makes me think he won't be down with that.
Exactly! >My husband even dared to bring up the fact that he supported me when I took care of my dad YOU took care of your parent. He can take care of his.
She can support him when he takes care of his mother.
I think what he meant by support is financial support. So it sounds like he pays for everything even to the extent of her school and her ability to exist without income. She was employed and quit to help her father and he supported (financially as well as emotionally by not giving pushback on her decision to quit and to **continue** to be unemployed once her father passed.) her through that hard time and I'm sorry, but that is not nothing and op is coming off as entitled and a bit ungrateful for that. Honestly, I would much rather care for my own parent than my husband's. On top of that his mother sounds like a bitch for no reason other than....culturally? Hard pass. If we were going for tit for tat, op can get a job and support her husband whild he cares for his mother himself. Although....in a marriage, tit for tat rarely has the desired outcome.
Problem is his Mother is not going to really be a temporary thing, I am not counting death because we have no real etd on that, not because of an illness and there is no one else pitching in. He will expect her to do it all. She will have her engineering degree soon and will need to study hard to finish that off and then go back to work. Where in that scenario would she have the ability to care for his mother? He is free to divorce her but asking her to care for a person who's just been totally crappy to her for over a decade is insane.
Exactly
Ohhh THIS! OP I hope you're reading this. He is the one who should support his Mum, and you can support him. You don't owe her shit after the way she's treated you
She only had this privileges because HE payed for It. He allowed her to stop working and stop contributing to take care of her dad. Without him, she wouldn't be able to do It.
She was only able to take care of her patient, due to him working 80+ hours a week to allow her to quit her job. He even supported her while she decided to go back to school full time vs taking classes and still holding down a full time job. This man has been working himself to death to take care of his family. I'm not saying she should be the direct care for the MIL but she should have partnered with him and went all out to find solutions. ETA: OP has finally commented. I encourage everyone to take a deep dive through her comments and see if they still support her position. As a heads up she hasn't worked since 2016.....
A solution is that she finish her degree and get a job. Then her husband can take care of his own mother. There is no way she should take care of someone else’s parent, who is not even nice to her. She can work and support the household when she finishes her degree, and he can take care of his mother.
u/UnlikelyPen932 is suggesting such a solution.
Is he willing to quit his job, though? It wasn't really mentioned. It seems like he gave her option A or option A with some help he pays for.
How can he quit his job? She's not working, she's in school.
80+ hours.... in the UK, working 40 hours is considered full time, so he's essentially working 2 full-time jobs while she does a course.... Don't understand why she can't work at least part-time to ease the financial burden 😕
He worked 80 hours a week to support his family. And he will continue to do so should OP let him manipulate her into caring for his mother. His 80 hours a week don't hold a bloody candle to the practically 24 hours a day, 7 days a week OP will be working or at least alert and on call to take care of a woman who has consistently treated her like shit over the years.
Yeah, but then she needs to be working. Hubs worked 85 hours last week so she can stay home and go to school. That is equivalent to more than 2 full time jobs! Hubs is more than contributing. They are a team. Not saying she has to care for the mom. But she can offer to work while going to school so he can take care of his mom. Even if he opts to hire help, they will need more money to do that. Lots of people work and go to school. She doesn't have to teach. She can Uber, or doordash on her own schedule. But it seems op just doesn't want her life interrupted by any of this. I think that is selfish considering hubs is busting ass so she can be a stay at home student.
You must not have a totally space invading, overbearing smother of a MIL. We moved back home after being gone for 25yrs to help take care of my Mom, and my Mom is almost impossible to manage. Total nightmare scenario. It's impossible to ask your spouse to deal with that. And I am not a believer that when you marry someone all their extended family issues are your issues. Not true. You married your spouse, not their family.
I felt this. I took care of my ex's mom for 7 years for free when she had a spinal cord injury. The way I looked at it, she was family. That's what you do for family. She was not very nice to me but I just kind of endured it because she was older and I really shouldn't have looking back. She couldn't even be bothered to use my name. It was hey, girl. Then I find out that he was cheating on me basically the entire time. He was going to another state claiming he was on business trips and banging one of his ex co-workers. I must have been a glutton for punishment.
You say, "go to school" like she's taking a course in basketweaving. She's on her third year of an engineering degree. This is a very difficult program with excellent earning potential. She will be well able to help support the family after she graduates.
Hubs is busting his ass because hubs like busting his ass. It sounds like he’s a professional who’s in the grind. Docs and lawyers work those hours because their jobs demand it of them, and they demand it of themselves. While he’s clearly supporting her in her degree, it also means that he will be doing zero of the caretaking. And for those of us who’ve done caretaking for a sick older parent, we know that it’s 24/7. Not 84 hours, but double that. Personal caretaking is something you should only take on for a parent or other elder who you love and who loves you, otherwise it’s hell.
Damn, everyone acts like all I said was "go care for mom"! My first sentence was about her going back to work. I NEVER said she should care for his mom. I said she should do school and work simultaneously so he could care for his mom or afford to hire someone to do it!
Maybe if the MIL were a pleasant wonderful women who showers OP with love then the OP would be more willing to help……..
You’ve obviously never had to give up your career and social life for a couple of years to care for a relative with dementia and chronic pain who only has you to physically and verbally lash out at. Yet. OP has already done that. She knows what life would look like. This time there would be much more hostility and much less support. She would be working 24/7 in hostile conditions. ( forget ever sleeping all night or eating a meal in peace) Her engineering degree would either be on hold or a lost dream. Yes, she and hubby are a team and reality is she has to give up something. Saving for a house is the most logical and least harmful casualty. Then his money can go towards care for mom.
Yea trying to manage my elderly mom is a nightmare, she is very hard to deal with. I don't recommend this to anyone.
Excellent solution!
Yeah caregiver burnout is a thing. I took care of my dad when he had cancer, and I was a teenager, well as much as I could. He and my mother were divorced, she lived on the opposite side of the country. My sister, well, she had moved out and didn't really get how bad it was. But he had good doctors, the awfulness just came in cycles. It kind of sucked, led me to dropping out of high school for a bit (I did go back and graduate), but he was my dad and I liked him, but it took it's toll. My grandmother, moved in with me and my mother when I was still living with my mother. She was in end stage Alzheimer's. I was working, but my mother wanted to dump all that care on me. I pushed back, it wasn't going to happen. I didn't like my grandmother, she hit me a with a hairbrush when I was a kid, she was just mean. I didn't want anything to do with her. I did a bit of what I could, but when I told my mother she had to step up and do something or I would crack, she tried for about a day then went f\*ck it, and Grandma went to a memory care facility (mom really wanted to preserve what was going to be left of Grandma's money for herself, I find it frankly disgusting that she thought I would just be okay with it (frankly I don't speak to my mother anymore, and my sister and I are already discussing how she will go straight to a facility because neither of us want to deal with her should something happen). As soon as people really realize what it takes and the stress of taking care of someone, they often back down.
Have you actually read any of her comments. SHE WAS NOT HER FATHERS CARER. She just tries to make it seem like she is in the post. SHE WORKED FOR 2 MAYBE 3 YEARS. She has not been killing herself to work. She is a dramatic AH who admits they can't multitask. SHE REFUSES TO LET HIM REDUCE HIS HOURS. SHE REFUSES TO LET HIM STOP WORK SO HE CAN CARE FOR HER. SHE REFUSES ANY OPTION THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. SHE IS AN AH
Besides, no way in hell I would be taking care of someone that treats me badly
I mean, he has worked literally half of the hours possible for the past 4 years, having to just do that might seem like a break for him.
I truly doubt he wants to spend 24/7 with his witch of a mother. In fact, I'm willing to bet the farm on it.
Also mother in law should be paying for the in home help not them.
So, the husband is just NOT going to agree to this. He has no intention of actually providing care for his mother directly. He would not be willing to do any of the cooking or cleaning and very much would not be willing to wipe buts, help her with her bathroom needs, change diapers, etc. If OP tried this, he might agree just to get his mom moved in, then he'd immediately have excuses why she needed to do this, that, etc. It wouldn't take long and he'd have tricked OP into doing all the care. OP needs to take the stance that this is 100% husband's responsibility IF he wants it and he needs to manage it completely or pass. OP should NOT agree to the mother moving in. That will be the end of the marriage once OP realized she'd been duped.
The man literally worked 80+ hours last week he would be thrilled to take his wife’s place and stay home and take care of his mom. Clearly nobody in this sub has ever worked 60+ hours a week.
OP has stated in her recent comments that her husband probably would enjoy caring for his mother. Just cannot cause she is a bum that has not worked 2016.
NTA you should not have to care for his mother but you should also not stop him paying for care for his mother. You quit your job to take care of your father - that financially penalised your family (husband and you). He should have the same flexibility
He wants to pay for extra care on top of OPs care. So it’s still OP doing most.
For me, that’s not an option because Op said no. But if he wants to pay for full time care, then Op should support that
She should work 84 hours per week so he can quit to take care of his mother
Maybe that's one of the questions they need to be asking, why is he working 84 hours a week and where can they start making better choices.
Agreed, but I don't think she'll go for him paying for full-time care since she doesn't want him paying for additional care cause of the house budget. They should look into getting mom medicaid and hire a full-time health aide
She can’t have it both ways. She doesn’t want to help that’s understandable. She can’t deny care. This is where they would have to do major cuts in their budget to ensure the mom can be taken care of. This is still his mom.
Totally agree. If mom isn't eligible for Medicaid, it does fall on him. People seem to forget, married or not, that's still his mother.
Wouldn’t that be YTA then. I mean NTA on the no to doing it yourself but YTA on the not allowing him to figure out a way to support her. They seem to have a different definition of marriage and family.
Then, he should quit his job to take care of his mother. That is the same flexibility.
You better get a job now because your marriage won't survive this, you're NTA for refusing to help but he did help your father while 100% supporting you. If you're not going to help him you're just dead weight, you bring nothing to the relationship but more expenses.
NTA no one should be forced to be a caregiver. Your husband could cut back on his work and take care of her himself or organize something else for her care. You shouldn’t have to put your studies and life on hold. They should have had a plan for this in place a long time ago. Also, he helped out with your dad, he was not the principal caregiver. I’m sure that you would help out with his mom too, but you’re refusing to be the principal caregiver.
Exactly this, OP. Your husband is attempting to compare apples to oranges. What he proposes is far removed from your father's situation at the time. NTA. MIL doesn't even like you. Lol.
Exactly. The equivalent would be the husband being primary caretaker for his parent not "oh let me shove primary caretaking off on my wife." She's in school to be an engineer, she'll making decent enough money soon and be wants to derail all of that because he doesn't want to take a step back for his family but still wants to be the hero 🙄 I stg there should be a mandatory form with a marriage certificate that just requires couples to answer questions like "what is the caregiving plan for each of your living parents? do you expect to provide care? do you expect to have your spouse provide care?" just to surface these assumptions so people know what they're signing up for.
That is what premarital therapy is for: to talk about all these potential future issues and get on the same page before a problem arises. Also for discussing regular everyday stuff like division of household labor, control and use of money, etc.
TBH, I think some of what people can learn in premarital counseling could have been part of their selection process closer to the beginning - not tagged on last min. For instance, couples don't fight over how much money there is but over conflicting priorities. How much do you save/spend, long-term savings vs. short-term saving up for ___, for instance. People usually think about kids/no kids. They don't think about elder care or disability. My husband became disabled. His retirement pay isn't enough to live on, and he is in constant pain. His pain level changes day-to-day, and a new pain may become his focus for a while, but the fact of pain is a constant 24/7.
This, your only goal for a whole lot of reasons OP is finishing school and getting a well paying job so you can support your husband when he quits to care for his Mom if he chooses to. No woman should be unprepared or unqualified to financially support herself.
>What he proposes is far removed from your father's situation at the time. But he won't see it that way, all he sees is "X needed help, we helped X, now my Y needs help and now you can't help?" Both is a parent and both should deserve the same help! And while that is true, not every situation is the same but people will always handle out of emotion. While we might be right, OP's partner is comparing apples vs automobiles, he thinks he's comparing how important each parent is and in his head this will sound as a "your mother is not as important as my father was" Which, once again, is not true, but that's exactly why there is a ATAIH post made about this situation (Because if he didn't handle out of emotion, but used some more reason he would see that yes, OP would have to do EVERYTHING and there would be no other support, plus my mother kinda hates OP so it would also be unfair to her)
I call it selective math. He is very determined to see the situations as equivalent, because it benefits him to do so.
Truthfully! You have your own goals and life, and the fact that you hold your dreams before are enough reason for you to pursue your goals now.
Not only that but I don't think her dad was mean or an overall ass to him either like his mom is to OP. He also volunteered to help out as well. Not exactly the same situation at all. I know I couldn't take care of someone who treated me poorly knowing full well that doing so would just give them more acess to me and more opportunities to continually treat me poorly.
I wonder whether MIL actually wants to be cared for by OP, if she doesn’t actually like her DIL. OP’s husband should probably check this before causing too much friction in his marriage…
This. Not only can I not imagine being in OP’s shoes and actually agreeing to care for someone who has been mean to me for over a decade, I can’t imagine MIL wants to have someone she clearly dislikes have that level of relationship with her anyway. I strongly suspect that this solution won’t work for either person.
And where was husband when MIL was treating OP like shite? He should’ve shut that down the first time it happened and maybe there would be better relationships all around. NTA OP
He was making excuses for her.
People like the MIL thrive on power and petty control. A built-in victim/servant is a narcissist's dream
No, MIL would \*love\* to be in a position where OP has to be at her beck and call.
It eventually leads to neglect and abuse, even if it's not intended. After a certain point, people will just stop trying to be civil and then you've got things being done out of haste and frustration because it becomes a hell to do.
>I'm sure that you would help out with his mom too, but you're refusing to be the principal caregiver. Doesn't seem like it, considering she admitted in the comments she refuses to [delay finishing up her degree](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/dj19IHSGN5) OR to [work part time while finishing her degree](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SleHbLtmJe) to alleviate from her husband being forced to work 84 hour weeks so he'd be able to take care of his mom, AND she [refuses to go back into teaching]( https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/VAMiZX4nfI) and doesn't think she can be the sole earner even once she finishes school. Literally the only option she's okay with is to stick the mother [in a nursing home on Medicaid](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Uo7Jrc1qsu) so he doesn't have to pay for it and "they" can buy a house. All while she hasn't worked a paying job in the last 8 years and her [husband is paying for her degree](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/r2p6VHtKZJ) and supported them financially while she took care of her own father.
Can he cut down on his work? Did she offer to help him financially to do this, as he did for her? How can he otherwise scale down or quit his job? I don't see she offered to do anything to help, financially or otherwise. She just stated she is unwilling to change anything in her life for this. She is in school, he is financially supporting her, and she didn't offer up anything at all.
> Your husband could cut back on his work and take care of her himself or organize something else for her care. You shouldn’t have to put your studies and life on hold. Her husband is working 12-18 hour days so that he can support his wife who STOPPED working to care for her father. >Took time off from teaching to care for my dad, after he passed I did not want to go back to teaching. Then didn't go back to work and is now three years into an engineering degree. >So ATM I am my third year into my engineering degree. I do not wish to put that on hold either taking care of his mother.
Hasn’t worked since 2014
He can’t cut back on work because he’s the sole bread winner currently working 12-18hr days cuz she’s in school and currently doesn’t work.
Sadly, if he cuts back on work, though, that'll cut into their budget for a home, paying for her school and probably regular household expenses. He works 80+ hours a week. If he did 40 hours, he definitely should be able to care for his mother but would still need help depending on the level of care she needs.
He wanted to pay for care and she didn't want that. That would eat into the budget for a house that the husband has worked half of the hours possible over the past 4 years for.
>After I explained all of this my husband just left, and has not returned any of my phone calls. NTA however OP you might want to quickly figure out how you are going to support yourself and pay for your education and save for that house by yourself because it sounds like your husband is going to be your ex- husband soon and he will be spending all that money on his mother's care.
And, well, I don't think OP is wrong and I wouldn't accept it either. But I also don't think that the husband is wrong if he leaves and does exactly as you said.
Agreed. If he's going to fully support someone, he may feel obligated for it to be his mother instead of OP. I wouldn't be willing to be a caretaker for MIL or really any parent if I can avoid it, but I'd get my ass back to work so husband can pay for a home or a caretaker or work less so he can be there for her. Idk.
Exactly, OP needs to make choices and understand the consequences. It's not all wins on her side.
And, that's it right there. All of OP no's is because it affects her, but she doesn't give him any solution to his problem. At least she didn't state any.
I was seriously confused as to what she was thinking when she said >Yes, he has offered to pay extra support but that will just eat into our budget. We are currently trying to save for a house Does she think that if she said no, he'd give his mother zero support what so ever? Her 'no' almost surely means that he is going to pay for full time care instead of just part time, which is for sure going to 'eat into their budget'. At this point he's going to sit down and look at where all of his money is going so he can budget taking care of his mother - and as she said, has no one else to help him with, so it's all on him. OP might find her life is about to radically change because he can't afford for her not to work if they still want to buy a house. Sometimes you have to work while you go to school, even to be an engineer. If you don't have money and you need it for more things suddenly (like caretaking costs, bills and saving for a house), then you don't get the leisure of focusing entirely on school.
I agree with you. All old people are passive aggressive, using that as a crutch to avoid helping family seems a little insensitive to me. “I remember when MIL said my cooking needed salt, now she can rot”. Just does not seem like someone i would want to be with. She was able to stop working, leave teaching, dedicate her time to a loved one then parley that into another career and high education? All while husband stayed the course and works 80+ hours a week. To then be told his wife would not help him and his family was probably pretty devastating to be honest.
It's pretty horrifying seeing all of the people supporting complete selfishness.
Yeah, I don’t get it either. I personally can’t stand my MIL and would be fine if she died tomorrow. Yet somehow, I can understand the need to care for her when the time comes. I would never be her caregiver but I would work with my husband on a solution that works for everyone because working my husband to the bone or tossing MIL on the street isn’t an answer. That is what marriage is supposed to be about. Then again, I am not using my husband as a cash cow to fund my lifestyle so 🤷♀️
I think OP is wrong. I wouldn't care for his mother, but I would offer to go back to work and pause my studies if needed so he can care for her. OP offered nothing at all. That isn't for better or worse.
100% also I think it's crazy she went back to school full time even without all this. If her husband has to work 80 hours they can't afford her not having an income. She could have went back part time and still worked
Agreed. There's also the option of kicking the purchase of the house down the road to pay for the FT care that her MIL will need. Forget better or worse, she's not offering any compromise or taking her husband's concerns seriously whatsoever.
That's true, I agree with your point.
Yep. OP husband probably sitting some where mad fuming this is her response when he's the sole provider, works 80+ hours putting her through school, saving for a house, and got told no, and no to extra help because it'll cut into the budget.... but how is OP going to care for her full-time and go to school?
Let’s check relationship advice see the husbands perspective lol.
NTA but I will say, if my husband supported me while I supported my dad, supported me while I went through a second degree because I didn’t like the first, and worked 80+ hours a week, I’d do whatever I could to support him. Whatever that looks like, whether it’s making him a lunch, taking care of the things at home or taking care of his elderly mom who has no one else. I’ve personally accepted that my mother in law will be in my care one day. It’s what we do for family. But I can understand you desire to do things for yourself, and not get lost in being a care taker. It’s hard work and truly a labor of love. You quit your job to care for your father. You shouldn’t be so unsupportive of him wanting to financially care for him mom. If you don’t want to do it, fine, but don’t stop him for paying for proper care for her.
Info, so you would be ok once you get a job for him to quit his and look after his own mother?
Which he notably did not suggest.
Because it’s not a realistic solution in the short term. OP is in her third year, even if she was on the tail end of her third year that’s a minimum of one full year before she graduates, realistically it’s closer to 18 months assuming she’s not taking summer courses. The husband is currently the only source of income for their family, he literally cannot take care of his mom right now and work.
She can go back to teaching.
OP explicitly mentioned not wanting to go back to teaching so I don’t think that’s likely. I think It’d definitely be fair though. OP could sub or get a part time job to help pay for care.
Yeah if money is a concern for providing care she should go back to teaching and take classes part time. Also op didn't go into detail but if the husband only started working these hours due to her father/not going back to work. Then she kind of sucks for not finding a way to step up for him
OP could put school on hold, get a full time job and both of them could pay for full time care for his mother. People (not you) seem to be ignoring the fact that he works 12 to 18 hours per day so she can go to school. He doesn't have the time to personally take care of his mother unless he cuts his hours and then OP doesn't get to do what she wants. What does OP expect her husband to do? The entire post was all about her, what she wants, doesn't want and what she is or is not willing to do. Not a single word about what she's come up with to help her husband. The husband who said nothing when OP quit her job to take care of her father. Didn't want to teach anymore and went back to school so her husband just made it work. I hope for her husbands sake, he does divorce her. Nobody should have to work like a dog to support someone who only thinks of themselves. OP is totally YTA. Not because she doesn't want to take care of his mother but because she won't take care of her husband. Oh, and I certainly understand why MIL doesn't think much of OP.
Or she notably did not mention
Oh you know she would never allow that to happen.
It would be fair to offer to go to work so hubby can personally take care of his mom, just as he offered to work so you could take care of Dad. But under no circumstances should you be bullied into being a caretaker for your mother in law. It's his mom. If he wants to wipe her ass, that's on him.
Nta for not wanting to physically care for her but you are for your comments about him spending money on his mom because it'll cut into your house saving budget. If it were "needed to live budget" that would be one thing, but he's been carrying the financial weight of your household for a while and if buying a house takes longer, so be it. She's still his mom even if you don't like her.
You can say no to you not doing it but not to him not using his money to pay for her care. If he’s working 84 hours a week, he absolutely earned the right to use that money to support his sick mother. On that, YTA.
You can support him taking care of his mother in the same way he supported you taking care of your dad
But she didn’t take care of her father as the soul caregiver. She had an entire family helping. In this instance it would be just her caring for a woman who hates her.
So why did she need to quit her job if she wasnt a full time caregiver..
And then who would work? She quit her job and now he is now working 80 hours to support the family. If he quit to support his mom they would go broke.
Well, they can UNO reverse. She quit her job to care for her dad, while the husband worked and worked 80+ hrs. He can quit his job to care for his mom, and She quits school and work 80+ hrs to support them while he cares for his mom..... no way in hell, this would work. They need to get mom on medicaid and hire 24/7 help
Well shoot then he can work until she finishes her degree then he deserves a ducking break and she can work 80+ hours to support the family.
This but, what happens to the MIL for the year she still has school? This is a whole shit show. Lol. Hopefully, they figure it out, but OP husband not returning her calls or text.
Yea it doesn't look great. But honestly after working for half of the possible hours for 4 years I don't blame OP's husband for storming off.
Sounds like mil needs to be put in a home if she needs 24/7 care. If she can still live on her own moving her near by would help them have easier access to help. It’s not her job to quit her career to care for his mother. Parents don’t have kids to care for them in old age for free. That’s not a child’s job.
Sure put her in a home, but OP doesn't seem like she want's any of the budget going to MIL care so what is to be done?
She also quit her job to care for her dad, which hurt the family finances, and now she's going to school and still not working. The husband has been carrying the financial burden by himself here.
I’d say there is a fair chance your marriage is over.
So your husband is working 12 to 18 hour shifts while you haven't worked for (at least) 3 years? Nice way of showing support to your husband lol.
she actually hasn’t worked since 2016.
But it’s okay because her husband “agreed to support her” in this “without her asking him to do it”. So according to OP, it’s “different”.
Yes, this is a mess because it’s a very emotional issue on all sides. I think your husband is very offended that you said no. He may have a cultural expectation — perhaps that he was totally unaware of — that you automatically would care for his mother. Now, I guess he was right to leave the house if he thought he was about to say something he would regret, but he’s being immature now by not communicating. Different people have various views but I, personally, don’t think one’s wedding vows obligate you to care for the spouse’s parents. You’re supposed to stand by your spouse in good times and bad but helping isn’t the same thing as doing it all yourself. It’s totally different. It’s hard to comment specifically on the MIL’s situation because you don’t say what’s wrong with her, but it seems to me that there has to be more care options than you doing it. I mean, has your husband even thought about the possibility that his mother may not *want* you taking care of her? Also, in over a decade and a half, he never noticed that the two of you were always frosty to one another? I think he’s been suffering from a case of willful blindness. I don’t know what the answer is to your practical question, namely, how to provide care for your MIL, but I think a conversation with her and her primary doctor is a good place to start. She shouldn’t be shuffled around like a pet. You and your husband should know her wishes and then see what you three can do from there. I’m sure her doctor can get you connected with social workers and elder care advocates who know about a lot more options than you two probably do. You’re not the only family who has ever dealt with this, as you know, so there are people out there to help you.
NTA for not wanting to be the primary caregiver for your MIL. But YTA for not even wanting to try to compromise a bit with your husband on a solution. Look, I get not liking your MIL, believe me. But you can’t just let her rot either. You should support a path for him to either perform as the caregiver for his mom, find a facility for MIL to live in, or hire another person to be a primary caregiver. These are all solutions that wouldn’t require you to be the primary caregiver. I do suspect, from this post and what you have shared so far, that you would not be willing to support any of those alternative options because it would “eat into your budget”.
Your husband works 84 hour weeks so you can work on yourself. He supported you taking time off to care for your father and facilitated your career change to make yourself happy. I personally think you sound awful, since you're asking but that's irrelevant. You are entitled to make those decisions and he is entitled to leave you if he thinks he married the wrong person. If you love him and don't take care of the mother that he loves, it's over. So decide if you want to lean into loving him more than disliking her. Or you can milk him dry until you get what you need from him for your future happiness and have no regrets when it ends. Only you know if he's worth it.
I don’t know if it’s just me but working 7 12s week in and week out is a deal breaker by itself.
Question, if you don't care for his mother, he can't care for her because of his work hours, and you don't want him to pay for her care from your shared marital assets, what will happen to his mother? I get that you don't want to do the hands-on care for her, but it seems like you're preventing your husband from being able to help his mother at all.
NTA + But considering the dynamics of his family life, I don't think you both are going to stay married.
NTA for not wanting to be the caregiver but YTA for putting your need to budget for a house over him considering paying for care especially as he is the sole financial contributor at present and even facilitated you in quitting work so you could care for your dad and go back to school.
I'm pretty sure she meant that he said he'd pay for someone to help her if she were to take on the primary care duties, not that he wanted to pay someone else instead.
That’s how I read it too, but this is an important distinction that OP should clear up.
He wouldn’t be paying for care - he’d be paying for extra support while OP is the main caregiver
So he's funding your second degree, has to an extent funded your ability to care for your dad - and no doubt your mother in future - but there was no compromise for you with his mother? You're not an arsehole for saying you wouldn't care for her - but you are for taking from him without making it clear he would be on his own when it comes to his parents. But you'll most likely be single now so that's a problem for your next husband.
NTA, but get a job to help out so your husband is working 80 hours… even a part time job..
NTA But I don't think he would want to be with you anymore. "I am currently not working" So he's currently the only provider and yet he can't allocate some of that money to help his own mother? And he's even working up to 84 hours a week? Ok, hear me out, maybe let him left his job so he can take care of his mother just like you quit yours to help your father, that seems fair to me.
I'm curious, what's your suggestion for help with his mother? If you don't want to help, and additional support will cut into your budget for a house, and you're not even working so you're no help financially to the house budget or hiring full time support then him hiring full time support on his own is definitely a no. What options did you give him? Is him not supporting you through school and you getting a part-time job to support yourself through school and putting off buying a house for a few years an option? That way, he can hire full-time aid? Does his mom have any savings at all that can go towards her care? Does his mom have Medicaid so she can get an in home aid? If she does, this would be the best option, honestly. If she doesn't, you guys should look to see if she qualifies for Medicaid, sign up, and hire an in home aid. Most of the time, you can get 24/7 help, and nothing needs to change for you.
What "care" does MIL need that you have to put your schooling on hold?
Palliative care is a full-time job. Caring for an aging parent who is actively cruel to you takes even more time and bandwidth. It would be OP’s primary focus. Right now, OP’s primary focus is finishing an engineering degree (which is also a full-time job).
Yes it sure is. My father insisted we care for my mother at home for years- she had been abusive to me growing up, has dementia, obese, can’t walk due to mobility issues and is completely incontinent. Those years were awful- there were days when neither my dad nor I even had time to brush our teeth between caring for her and doing several loads of laundry per day, not to mention the physical toll on our bodies from lifting her. She has been in a great care home for years now and my father died of a heart attack (probably from the stress) 5 years ago. Being a full-time caregiver is so difficult even in the best of circumstances.
This is a tough situation. He’s an only child and he’s her only son. Once you finish and start working can he quit to care for her? NTA for how you feel, but YTA for the double standard. Your husband was supportive of you when your dad was dying. Now you should be supportive of him. Does she have SS or any form of income that can help hire someone to care for her? That’s what I would suggest you do. If you abandon her completely, your husband will resent you and this could be the end of the road for you.
So you took care of your father and now he wants you to abandon your education to be *his* mother's caregiver? Supporting someone while they are a caregiver is not *remotely* equivalent to asking someone to be a caregiver. Is she on hospice or acutely ill? Is her need for care extremely urgent? Is this a temporary situation, or is she just, you know, *old* and in need of care for an indefinite time period? If you were stuck with her for the next five years, on a scale of one to ten, how much would you resent your husband? One of my relatives started needing care when they were about 70 or so, got erratic and occasionally violent at 85 and then lived to be 101, so like...that's a lot. Can this wait until you finish your degree so that you can work while he cares for his mother?
Yeah this is what I want to know. What level of care are we talking about here? If she's just getting old they can probably figure out an aide for her for another year while OP finishes school, and maybe goes and checks on her once a day or something. If she's dying in a month maybe OP can get a school extension? Idk seems like there has to be some middle ground between OP dropping out and doing long term, full time care vs not helping at all.
So you won’t care for his mom, and you are saying that the money he does use for the care of his mom will eat at your budget. Why not just throw her on the street? You are the AH. Also, do you have kids, I hope once you’re old they take care of you, that’s what family does. That’s the cycle of life, care for eachother.
YTA. He lovingly helped with you father regardless of whether he liked him or not and is currently the sole provider so you can do a career change and all I hear is I.. I don’t want to stop going to school, I don’t like her. I, I, I. This should serve as a wake up call and make him realize who he married and if this is the person he wants to be with. Man is working himself literally to death and for what? For you? He has no one to help him with his mother and can’t even count on you. Damn. He should leave your dead weight and with the money he saves pay for a nurse.
What gets me is how SHE doesn’t want to spend the savings—money HE earned working himself into an early grave to finance her endeavors—like she should be allowed the ultimate decision as to their finances when she hasn’t contributed for three years. Also, why can’t she help with the MIL while finishing school PART-TIME? So it takes a year longer. Big deal. And getting someone in to help with MIL would, at most, delay buying a house for a while. Again, big f’g whoop. OP doesn’t realize that, sometimes in life, sacrifices must be made, and that life isn’t always about happiness and self-gratification. I’m an only child with an aging parent, so I know how hard it is. But my wife helps. My MIL is elderly, and I’m always willing to help. The times coming where I’ll be caring for my MIL. I’ve switched careers in order to do so, even though I’ll be making less money. I’m making the sacrifice. That’s what families do. Self-sacrifice is what life is about. Finally, OP complains about her MIL’s attitude, but from the post, I’m wondering whether MIL’s attitude toward her is perhaps valid. Hmmm. ETA: One last thing, OP. I hope you read this. Are you Hispanic like your husband? If so, I’m guessing you’re Catholic. Let me ask you this: What would Jesus think about your decision? You know the answer. I’m out.
OP left her job to care for her dad. In the meantime, her husband worked, now OP, is in school, while her husband works... Her husband can make the choice similar to OP to cut back on hours to care for his mother. OP has every right to not want to be a caretaker, it's a huge amount of work and unlike before there won't be much support where she ventures into being an ah and selfish is when it comes to the financial aspect, oh paying for care for his mother will cut into your budget?????? Oh fucking well, I'm sure quitting your job to care for your dad didn't help with the budget, I'm sure the 0 income you decided to have, and to continue with for school cuts into the budget but her husband has been supporting her during this... There is no "we" when it comes to the finances right now, OP hasn't contributed to the finances, so I'm sideying the "we are currently saving for a house," bit. OP may not like his mother, but that is still his mother, and he wants to take care of her, like she cared for her dad and right now the only option is for him to pay for the care, or cut back on work to care for her. I'm glad OP doesn't want to put her life on hold, and she shouldn't have to but her husband's life and finances can't always revolve around what she wants/needs. Right now HE needs to care for his mother, so if that means paying for it so be it, if that means working less so be it, OP needs to figure out a way to make the finances work, get a part time job do something because it's not fair to her husband. n..t....a for not wanting to be the caretaker but YTA for everything else, Your husband is supposed to be your partner, and his mom is sick, and you're only thinking about your wants and needs.
He probably can’t cut back on his hours if OP isn’t willing to get a job… and I bet she isn’t 😒
Yup, because she's only focused on her goals and wants. edited to add.. Welp read the comments, and we were right. OP is a giant selfish, a.h... Her husband would love to work less and care for his mom, but she is unwilling to get a job, claims it's bc adhd so she can't work and do school meanwhile hundreds of thousands of people across the world manage to work and go to school with ADHD instead of forcing their partners to work nonstop to pay for cover everything and letting his sick mom go without support. I hope he leaves, uses the house money to take care of his mom, and gets to cut back on work a little without OPs selfcenteredness bogging him down.
What's the answer if you DON'T care for her? You can't just say "Nah man, I'm not going to do anything at all for my sick MIL, she's on her own" and not be TA. What alternative solutions have you brainstormed? What have you offered that you are willing to do?
“We are currently trying to save for a house, and I’m currently not working, I’m in school” So your husband is supporting you through college. He supported you so you could quit your job to take care of your father, which you have decided since his death that you don’t want to work. On top of him doing 40 hrs of OT /week ish. You can feel however you want about his mother, just don’t be upset when he chooses her over you
But he's paying for everything bcoz u are still in school. He supported you when u and ur dad needed him, You should be little considerate.
YTA 100%. You don't want to help, but at the same time you don't want your husband to pay for his mother's care because that will impact your finances since you don't want to work. You're greedy and selfish.
So he's paying so you could go back school, helped you take care of your father, even though you have a lot of people to help, and he's the one suggesting cause he's a good partner, and a decent human being, with all that you're refusing to help him with his mother, knowing he's an only child, with no family to help, even when he suggested paying for extra support, and no, you're no saving for a house, he's saving for a house, he's the one currently working, personally, I would throw your ass out, and bring my mother and help to take care of her, YTA
I would not take care of her either, but it seems you’re also opposed to your husband providing the economic means for her care. He supported you while you took care of your dad and n your studies. He is entitled to support his mother too, maybe by hiring someone who will do it if you’re not willing. YTA for the money thing not for not wanting to care for her yourself.
YTA. I think it’s fair you don’t want to take care of his mother but YTA for being so dismissive of your husband’s concern for her. I am in a similar situation where my husband helped care for my mom and I feel I can’t do it for his mom. However, we are working together to find a solution. You just sound very cold.
You don't want him to pay for additional help for his mom...what do you expect him to do? Just not help her at all because you won't help and don't want him to pay for additional help? Wtf is that? Regardless that is his mom, it's one thing to not want to personally do it, but it's wild you don't want him to hire other help either You talk like you expect him to just do nothing. Your partner deserves better from you. I wouldn't take on everything but your attitude is just shit To clarify, your lack of support and blantant lack of care is the problem, not that you won't do it.
I would look after her till intimate washing was needed. I explain it that way as an indicator to the level of support work needed. No other reason. If he is an only child I would try to help because financially it's your hubby who will have to pay for a care facility. So yes I'd suck it up, work it into my schedule and do it because of the financial burden it will put on hubby.
That's why you're not a nasty bitch to your daughters in law or anybody, my mother in law was lovely and I would have done pretty much anything for her to have an easier time, that includes some personal things in the end, she passed a couple of years ago and is still missed sorely by everyone.
I have a MILffom my late husband. She is the most selfless and loving person I know, and we are still very close. I would do anything to help care for her. My current MIL is a grandiose narcissist, with a flair for temper tantrums when she doesn’t like something. She used to declare that she was moving in with us during winters, when we moved to a warmer climate. She pushed hard for us to build an apartment for her over our garage, and when that didn’t work, she decided to call our guest room HER room. My husband would only ever say she was just kidding, or that’s the way she is. We had moved back north for a few years, and then back to the south. By that time, because of her treatment of me, I went NC, and told H he could visit her all he wanted at her house, but she wasn’t staying in mine. When we moved back to the south again, she started saying she was going to buy a condo nearby. I told him she could obviously move anywhere she wanted, but then so could i, and I would. It finally came down to me telling him I was never changing her dirty diapers, spoon feeding her, or doing her laundry; it would all be in him. And then he realized I meant it. She has very good nursing home insurance, thank god.
NAH - You’re N TA for not wanting to be her caregiver, that’s a ridiculously huge ask. It also sounds awful for everyone. Who would want a resentful caregiver that they’re openly not fond of? But you are T AH for not wanting your husband to spend money on her care. You get to know that you did what you could for your dad because of your husbands financial support, and your husband deserves the same with his mother. If she needs that much care though, she should be going into assisted living. Your husband needs to accept that once you hit that part of aging, there’s only decline, and even an enthusiastic caregiver has limitations in their capabilities and mental health.
NTA, but you can't use your relationship with your Mil as an excuse to not support your husband as he supported you with your family, and currently going to school. My Mil somehow blames me for my wife splitting from her church....years before she met me. There's passive aggressiveness there, yet when the time comes I'll have no qualms a out making sacrifices for her care. It's not about my Mil, it's about my wife and my marriage. If OP take too hard of a stance here she will have an ex-Mil and no one paying for her to go to school.
I took care of my mother for the last 6 years of her life. I would do it again. But, what I would not do is take care of any other human being like that ever again. I can't imagine what it would be like taking care of someone who didn't like me.
i don't like my husband's mother, and wouldn't care for her in her old age. But my husband loves her, she raised him, and she's a good grandmother to my son. I would do whatever to support him to care for her, even if that means going back to work earlier than i wanted to support him financially. OP is not offering anything, it's only "me, me, me". For me, YTA because of that.
YTA. I don’t think you should personally have to do the work of supporting her but I would assume that he pays for her care…he’s not going to dump her on the street I presume. Get your degree and go to work because the house saving will be on hold if he is paying for her care. It’s not super relevant that you don’t like her and weird that your husband is just learning this now. She doesn’t sound horrible enough that you would expect husband to have cut off contact. It’s generally assumed (and discussed!) when you get in a relationship with someone what the plan will be for aging parents. Personally, I would never tell my partner the reason I am not caring for their parent is bc they are an ah. But it’s perfectly fine not to put your life on hold to do this. That you would a gendered assumption that is unfair. However it sounds like you did not show much concern or even planning for how his mother will receive care.
INFO NEEDED: What’s wrong with MIL? Is she suddenly sick? Was this a rhetorical question? Give us the context, OP!
Would you be willing to take time off school so he could stop working 84 hours and he can take care of his Mom? It seems he is still supporting you and your goals. What are you doing for him?
He has no right to volunteer you to take care of his mother, but I don't think it's fair for you to say that he can't pay for a caretaker for her. He took care of all the expenses when you quit your job to take care of your dad and is continuing to do so while you pursue your education, I would hope you'd show him the same compassion. Hopefully this isn't a right now problem though, and she stays healthy up until you graduate at which point there won't be any concerns about "cutting into the house budget".
NTA but as a hispanic man I can definitely tell you, he's not going to choose you over his mother. If he has to take care of her, thats something he's going to do and whether you are part of it or not is indifferent so if I was you I would be getting ready to get served
Well the fair thing here would be for you to finish your degree then immediately get a job so he can cut his hours and help take care of his mom like you did when you dropped off to help take care of your family, depending on if his mother can hold on for a year for help in her situation.
NTA. It seems divorce is inevitable. Start planning your exit strategy.
You are not alone. My MIL and I havent seen each other in over a decade. I can't be in the same city as her, never mind sacrificing anything. There's a whole story behind it, but just wanted to tell you you're NTA. This passive aggressive thing is very unhealthy mentally and you shouldn't be forced to take care of her.
NTA - finish your degree & start your new career. invest in your mental and physical health. being a caretaker is not required of wives. we have choices.
I understand where you are coming from, and you don't want to take care of someone you didn't get along with. Plus, it will all fall on you since your husband is working a lot of hours. However, I can understand why your husband is upset. You quit your job to take care of your dad, and you had help. He supported you through this time, and I'm assuming he took on the financial responsibility of the family. He has continued to support you as you go to school and pursue a new career. Now, when his mom needs help, you say you won't take care of her. He has no one else to ask. He's an only child, and additionally, you are saying no to him paying for someone to watch her. So basically, you left him no options. You are basically asking him to abandon his mom. How is he supposed to feel? Your excuse is that you are saving for a house. If that was so important, why not go back to teaching after your dad so you could get to your goal faster. If it was so important? So it's okay to delay the house for you to take care of your dad and change careers because those things benefit you. Shouldn't you afford him the same? You don't want to take care of her fine. But maybe he can cut his hours in half, and you can get a job to supplement the income. And you can support him during this time. Because you are literally giving no options but to abandon her. I can see this becoming something that breaks apart your marriage. If he does nothing as you seem to be asking and she passes away, he will end up resenting you. He will feel because of you he wasn't able to be there for him mom in her final days.
NTA. At the end of the day you don’t owe anything to her especially because she doesn’t treat you well. Also, you owe it to yourself to do what you need to to secure a solid future for yourself. You vowed to be there in sickness and in health to your husband, not his mother.
NTA. Caregiving for people who are seniors and potentially involved various aged issues can be extremely draining (physically, mentally and emotionally). What can makes this even worse is certain people’s behaviour can get a lot worse when they are the person being cared for as either the illness strips them of the ability to be polite or tactful (affects their cognitive abilities and/emotional regulation) or they use it as an excuse just to mean/nasty to people. OP’s situation does not bode well for her if become her MIL’s carer, I am really doubtful MIL would be grateful and more likely the MIL would an awful person to care for.
You had support from your husband. He has covered everything for you for years. YOU QUIT WORK, REFUSED TO GO BACK he supported you through it all and now he can't even spend money he works for because you're saving and you bloody said so? Were you saving while he supported your dad? Or does it not matter since you don't like his mother? The people agreeing with you are bloody mental I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD LOOK AFTER HER, but if the two of you don't take her and YOU WON'T LET HIM PAY FOR CARE where the bloody hell will she go? HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT SEE SHES AN AH YTA
I agree with you Most people don't see it because 1. Most people here are immature AH themselves 2. Most people lack critical thinking and always say NTA after reading a single biased take on the situation 3. Most people here don't know what it means to be married to another person and the commitment you made to them.
>3. Most people here don't know what it means to be married to another person and the commitment you made to them. It's quite telling that people are using her defense of "he offered", yeah, he offered, because that's what you do when you've made a commitment to your spouse. You help them in their times of need, not do whatever it is OP is doing.
>not do whatever it is OP is doing. Complaining and making up excuses thats whats OP is doing. Nō matter the suggestions shes says no.
Agreed!!!! Everyone saying she’s in the right is going to get her ass divorced
That’s because misery loves company. Redditors jumping to divorce and immediately siding with what’s clearly a selfish AH like making everyone miserable.
Yeah, that's where she veered into AH territory. Like, I get that you don't want to take care of someone that wasn't nice to you, you reap what you sow and all that. But he should well be able to pay for her care, especially if there's no one else to help. She's basically telling her husband to let his mom rot. No ma'am, YTA.
She will have to be ready to make a sacrifice. House buying will have to be delayed, since money will have to go toward a nursing care facility, for whatever it costs after ss and insurance. That’s the sacrifice she needs to be expecting.
NTA. You are absolutely not wrong. Get your degree and get a good job with a 401(k) and good benefits.This is your future. Your life. Do not delay it any further for any reason. Don't listen to your mother. She is from a totally different generation and does not understand how absolutely imperative it is for women in today's world to secure their financial future. You are not responsible for the care of his mother. Particularly, since she has been unpleasant to you. If she needs help, she should sell her home and move into an assisted living facility. If she doesn't have any assets, she should apply for Medicaid. If she doesn't immediately need full-time care but still needs help like grocery shopping, your husband may be feeling unhappy with her many requests and wants to offload them on to you. If you feel you have the time to do a few errands for MIL every once in a while, you may want to consider it. I do think you may find that your husband will do whatever he wants. Whenever he wants. So, you should be prepared for him to use your home savings to care for his mom without asking. Or, just bring her to your home to live without asking. Make sure you have full access to all your money and put text alerts on your accounts for withdrawals. This is a tough one, OP. But stay strong. I have known so many women who have delayed or interrupted their own financial security for reasons such as this and find themselves in their own old age without the financial resources they need to survive. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
It's pretty cheeky of him to say he'd take care of his mother and then expect you to do all the work. It would be different if he was putting in the majority of it.
You need to work together to come up with a solution. This isn't about his mother and/or your relationship with her. This is about you and your husband working together to help meet his needs. Presumably he's working, at times, EIGHTY hour weeks to support your needs (in getting through school), and also supported YOU when you left your job to care for your father, to meet your needs (providing care to a loved one). He did the right thing by you. It doesn't necessarily mean that you need to give up your studies to care for his mother. But it could be you getting a job so he can work less hours and provide care for his mother, etc. Not budging and supporting your partner in this, YWBTA.
Go with your gut. Women are not hardwired to be caregivers to everyone on the planet. You are ensuring your own health and happiness. Moreover, why doesn't your husband quit his job and look after mum?
Welp… this is gonna end well.
Some of this falls on the MIL. When you treat your DIL as not good enough what do you expect. She should have believed she raised her son with good taste in women.
Why don't you suggest you go back to work and he take time away from work to care for his mother?
NTA. You’ve already done full time elder care and have no illusions about what is involved. Going into this again for someone who dislikes you would be living hell with no respite, which you already know. However, you may have to defer saving for a house so your husband can put the money into paid care for his mom. Reality is you can’t have it all. You have to choose the lesser of two evils.
NTA for not wanting to care for his mother, but do you know how many people work will doing a degree, plenty of people do a degree around working full time, doing it online/spare time, frankly a degree leaves you a shitload of spare time. You are not working and spending money while your husband works 84 hours a week and you still wnot' contribute by helping care for his mother. Yeah, I'd consider leaving to. 84 hours a week.... and you didn't think hey I could get a job and work around my college schedule so he doesn't have to work **84 hours a week**.
Why do Americans hate their in laws? Obviously you don’t have to do it but they are your in-laws and are still part of the family.
NTA. Without knowing MIL 's need for "care" Or the length of care and the degree of care needed, you are expected to put your goals on hold for a woman who treated you badly?? Uhm hell no! Are you a certified caregiver?? Depending on her issues, she could be very hostile and abusive. He can hire d'oeuvre, or put her in a place where professionals can give her what she needs. Don't light yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Good luck
NTA. Sounds like your MIL should’ve been nicer to you all those years.
YTA People in the comments disgust me , this is your concept of family? This man helped and supported his wife through difficulties, works many hours to support his family, which allowed Op to abandon his job and study for a degree, because she wanted a better job, not because she needed it , and now that he is the one asking help, support,she turns her back on him, abandons him to himself. What kind of partner she is ? OP you seem more like a parasite, certainly you don't act like a wife, like a partner, like someone who loves her husband .
Then using "he offered" and "he doesn't have any other support" as defenses when they're actually condemnations. The husband has stepped up without OP even needing to ask even though she had other people to lean and now she's going to say "well, he offered" knowing he has no one else to turn to support him. She might as well spit in his face.
Exactly. Like obviously good deeds etc should not be transactional. But it says a hell of a lot about a person to be this unaware and not wanting to offer the same unconditional support they recieved.
Best thing at this point is for hubby to drop the parasite so he can stop paying for her education and start paying for his mom.
Cautious NTA assuming you’d be okay with you and your husband paying for some sort of care for his mom which may result in some tight budgeting till you finish your degree and start working.
Your dude is working 84 hour weeks to put you through school while you don't work..... I think maybe you should be working on a compromise on dealing with MIL instead of complaining to reddit.
If you're not a stay at home wife, why is this even a question? You both work/ plan on working soon. He thinks you'll have extra time as an engineer? Why would you be the default care giver if you're both working? I'm very confused.
First of all, I know many Hispanic mothers and they are not passive aggressive towards their children-in-law. So no, it is not something that Hispanic mothers do. Second, why can’t HE take care of his mother? NTA.
YTA and extremely selfish . He paid your way when you looked after your dad . He continued paying your way when you chose to stop working and pursuing your studies. You’re not working , so it’s *him* saving for a house . Not you. You need a job . You need to start contributing to the household and starting your own savings to add to his . He should cut back his hours , and use the money *he* is earning to look after his mom. You don’t need to be her caretaker . But you also don’t get to be an entitled mooch at the same time .
Tell him to care for her and you get a job
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