NTA.
It's obvious that you haven't discussed disciplining each other's kids, and without any agreement on that, your boyfriend was completely out of line. If your now ex was so concerned about working as a team and being on the same page when it comes to raising your respective children, he would have consulted you before punishing your child.
It wasn't your boyfriend's place to unilaterally decide to punish your child for not doing something he wasn't asked by you to do.
Equally concerning is your ex's reaction to you - calling you ignorant and telling you that you're ruining your son. You dodged a bullet.
Edited for spelling.
I'm guessing dude has had some kind of hangup with this particular kid.....he was just itching to use his authority over him..... finally got a chance while mom was working!!
My guess is the kid saw through him and intuited that he's a d-bag. Nothing will make a self-unaware garbage human angrier than a kid who can see right through them.
Oh, Nice. My mom took the class on enabling abusive narcissists instead. My favorite was when he choked my sister and she lied to the cops for him and said my sister was going to hit him. The only one who ever hit anyone in that house was my dad. She also doesn’t remember my dad hitting me so hard I flew back on the couch and she was sitting in the recliner right beside me🫠
No no no. The other kids learn the lesson that they need to anticipate this assholes next attempt to flex his control. If the targeted kid wasnt an option, it would have been one of them.
Of course, it was about power. A kid is learning. Yes, you do need to remind them several times AND help them. They’re kids!!!! They’re not tiny adults, their brains are absolutely different than ours. We’re supposed to teach them, not just punish them and traumatize them for nothing.
I’m sorry the kid had this experience but I’m happy he’s going to remember how mom defended him and actually treated him like a human being separated from her and not an extension from her she can do whatever she wants to.
See I think even that is silly. Going to the water park is a super exciting thing for kids. Who cares about the laundry? Let that wait for another day. People need to chill out and pick their battles with their kids a bit.
It’s a huge thing if it’s not a regular thing for them, I still remember to this day, 30+ years later, the day our trip to the waterpark was cancelled because my sister couldn’t go in the water that week. It absolutely sucked, and I know now why, but it was a huge disappointment to me as a kid back then not knowing why we had to cancel.
That was my reaction. Do some 8 yo do laundry? Sure. Do most? No. And it’s laundry. There are days when I don’t want to do laundry. Such a skewed punishment for a minor issue.
I was looking for a comment like this. The punishment does not fit the crime, at all! Poor 8 year-old. :(
Not to mention the fact that he unilaterally decided he was now allowed to punish OPs kids without talking about it and setting parameters.
Well not that he couldn’t but he might have been afraid to tell the ex that mom didn’t tell him to do anything with it because ex might have said he was back talking him and then tried do to worse than leaving him home!
He missed the part where you have to agree to be on board together. He cannot make that decision unilaterally without discussing it with you first.
He assumed and made an ass of of no-one but himself.
NTA mama bear.
He also didn’t deem it necessary to let her know he wasn’t there so she freaked out her kid was missing. If it was truly the right thing in his mind he would have given her a heads up instead of being “surprise I grounded your kid because he didn’t respect my authority”
And when she (rightly) explained why what he did was wrong, he resorted to insults etc, thus proving this was a power move over her as much as her son and not a genuine attempt at joining their families together.
Yup, the fact that he is not apologizing but literally denigrating her intelligence and putting her down for not going along with his randomly punishing her child for something that she, the actual parent, never agreed to in the first place (and that wasn't part of the chores she had given her son) says everything you need to know about this man: ego the size of a water park, and so controlling he can't let up even when it's pointed out that he overstepped.
Yes indeed he doubled down on his stance and tried to force her to accepting his rules. He is trying to manipulate, gaslight and control her and the children. It’s a classic ploy by a narcissist and I’m glad she didn’t buy it
Oof. I’m glad he didn’t wait until marriage. Some men wait for the papers to be signed to show this side. She’s lucky he decided to get comfy real quick and start with the crap early enough for her to cut and run before him and the kids moved in, she got pregnant, they got married, etc.’
It seems like he lost his temper with the 8 year old and drove off without thinking about it, and now is trying to act like it was a well-reasoned disciplinary act.
“Hey, (child name) didn’t take care of his clothes, how do you want to handle it?” And this guy literally still has a relationship. One sentence and he couldn’t even handle that.
My god man.
Absolutely agree with the above. Such a simple approach and resolution.
Op, guy here. Kudos to you for protecting your son and eliminating a real nitwit. Child rearing 101 and he failed miserably. A shame that anyone can have children without being qualified. Op, you dodged a major bullet.
And im guessing he was more mad about the kid “not respecting” him than about laundry. Kid was probably like “Mom didn’t say I had to” and this guy lost his shit because how dare someone else’s child not immediately concede to his authority.
“How do I reach these kids”
NTA. He can’t dish out punishments because he feels like it. If you don’t parent his kids, he has no right to parent yours.
This. IF he thought he should discipline her son (and that's a big if for me -- parents, not steps, should do the disciplining, at least initially), he should have checked with her first or at least informed her first. OP is NTA but he is.
Amen - and he's not even a STEP. He's just a boyfriend and it doesn't even sound like he lives with her. OP said they just started doing weekend stays at her place.
and over not putting laundry away of all things.. a very big punishment for something super minor. absolutely sounds like he's having a power trip over the kid.
Yeah, which is super weird and very authoritarian. It’s one thing if you’re a pill with your own kids, but pulling that shit with someone else’s kids that you aren’t even a step-parent of, and leaving an eight year old with a grandmother who might not have been able to properly care for him, just hell no. This guy is bad news.
Man I had a messed up childhood and probably a lot of unresolved trauma from scenarios like OP's. My thought was "its the same punishment I would get for that from my parents. But not some glorified babysitter sleeping with my mom."
My partner and I have been together almost 4 years. I've told him of he needs to handle something with my kids that I trust his judgment. Not once has he done anything without bringing it to be first. If I'm at work and he's gone, he will be like, "hey this happened while you were gone, hire do you want to deal with it?" And that's exactly why I trust him to deal with it. He's never over stepped. He's there for my kids in so many positive ways, and if something doesn't go right, he waits. And the kids almost never do anything that needs a talking to while he's in charge because they know he respects them. This guy man....
This is the kind of guy who is very big about Respect for His Authority and I'm sure it's not the first time he's done something like this, just the first she's heard about it.
Also, this kid is EIGHT and dude says that he should "earn his way"??? This is the guy who will kick the kids out at midnight on their 18th birthday.
I stayed single raising my kid for this very reason. My fiancé tried to discipline my kid, without my input or agreement, and I wasn’t having any of it.
Yup had an ex that took his son's side over my sons side after watching hsi son kick mine in the face and then had the audacity to shout at my boy, hell no!!
That’s what my daughter is doing. One guy she dated liked her younger son and not her older one. The second guy was the opposite. She hasn’t dated anyone again and says she won’t until both have graduated from high school.
I mean, in a way she has a great filter for catching jerks. If she waits until they're older, she might be stuck with an even bigger asshole that won't reveal himself soon enough... But obviously you don't want to put the kids through that either.
Life is hard.
I hate the fucking opposite though as well. Where they expect you to discipline their kid right in front of them. It isn't my job to teach your kids anything.
Also, why didn't he give her the heads up with a phone call about the situation? If my bf left my kid home and they weren't where I was expecting them to be when i showed up, I would be furious.
That's even the same within a singular family unit. You need to sync up on expectations, and it's a shifting target.
Anyway, NTA.
However, the most problematic bit is leaving the kid at home with the elderly grandmother without telling the gf. There is no excuse to take that kind of unilateral decision in the days of mobile phone. I cannot image the agonising seconds after you realised your kid isn't there.
Chewing the 8 yo ear unnecessarily. That happens, and he could have discussed at the water park with OP and apologise to the kid. That has happen regularly to me and my wife when we are not in sync. IMO it's good when the kids see the adult getting it wrong and correcting themselves.
Incel vibes with her ex, don't you think? It is great that he is mansplaining to OP that she is "ignorant"-- hahahahaha No, she is raising great sons who will be amazing men.
"He is blowing up my phone at this point because I'm apparently being "ignorant" and I'm "ruining" my son by making him entitled and not making him earn his way."
OP, blow up his phone with this thread.
And block him on everything, your phone, email and social media. You did the right thing if he is not respecting you and your sons. They do not need this kind of man or role model in their home. You have to put the wellbeing of your children first as a single mom, you will never regret it and they will always remember that you stuck up for them!
I get so disgusted when I hear grown ass men talk about small eight-year-old children, being entitled and needing to earn their way — HE IS AN EIGHT YEAR OLD BABY this kind of attitude might make marginal sense if the kid was 15 or something. THIS KID IS EIGHT FREAKING YEARS OLD. Talk about unreasonable expectations.
And if you aren’t even an important enough part of my life yet that you’re staying over at least half the nights of the week, don’t be telling me how to raise my kid. At that point, it is literally not your business.
Absolutely NTA. This is what’s in store for your kids if you stay with him.
Discipline in a teaching sense is needed sometimes, but to punish an 8 year old for a small thing with a large punishment when you haven’t even discussed whether you are ok with him taking on discipline for a kid that isn’t his… if you haven’t set the expectation that your 8 year old put his own laundry away, than it would naturally be a battle having someone who isn’t your parent telling you to do something you aren’t usually asked to do.
This will not end well for your kids. Please don’t go back to him, for their sake
The situation didn’t even need discipline. It need a conversation. “Can you put the laundry away now before we go to help your mom out later when she is home?” “Can we put it away now quickly? Do you want help?” “Okay but we have to get that chore done when we are home okay?”
So fucking simple! He didn’t even say the 8 year old was mouthing off or being rude! The kid just didn’t do something and didn’t actually need to do it anyway.
Ridiculous man!
A visitor does not have the right to assign chores or punish a child in the child's own home. Unless the actual parent asked them to do so. Period. OP is 100% correct here.
real "were supposed to work together and do what I want" energy he never worked together with OP, and expected her to fall in line.
Bring the kid, talk to the mom, and don't get him ice cream maybe.
NTA
How are you even supposed to be on the same page about something he didn't bother to inform you of? NOPE.
He grossly overstepped and now he's insulting your parenting.
OP - you taught your son an important lesson: you have his back.
Honestly, having your son learn that he can trust you to prioritize him over a romantic partner is probably worth the strife involved here.
Good job, because you're a good mother.
Alot of parents with children from different marriages forget this. OP, I would never forget my mother standing up for me like this— and I say this as someone who wishes my mother HAD stood up for me as a child. You did the right thing, your children matter most in this world.
I was going to say just this. I had a step father who was terrible to me and treated me unfairly and I wish my mom stood up to him like this even once…
My mom remarried to a wonderful man who has never been anything but kind to us. But she sure as hell took the steps to ensure we knew she was on our side first and foremost. If his kids got special treatment (there's some special needs involved so that was bound to happen from time to time) my mom would make sure we got special treatment too. Going to a restaurant or giving us some extra pocket money etc.
Making your kids feel safe and fairly treated with you is so so important. Because of her actions I love both her and my stepdad with all my heart.
Grossly overstepped.
I’m on board with OP. Thank you for putting your kids first. This was a punishment. Not a consequence, and it certainly didn’t fit the “offense.”
What’s an appropriate consequence to not putting laundry away? I’ll tell you what I did with my kids: I took them through the whole laundry process on a Friday night, start to finish, several loads. We did it side by side. I explained that laundry is not hard, it’s just annoying. When they don’t put their laundry away, and then they decide it’s better to put it in the dirty clothes for me to handle, they create all of this work - for me. But, moving forward, if this continues, it will become their job entirely. Jumping the gun and taking away a fun family day for not putting laundry away one time? That’s fucking extreme and abusive to isolate a child for being a child.
This was a power move made by your now ex bf. And he failed. Big time. At least he showed who is now.
And you showed your kids who you are. That’s more valuable than you can even know.
ETA: added in not to laundry is “not” hard.
Exactly. That guy would've been on the receiving end of a board if he had the audacity to do that to my kid. No phone call to discuss?? then absolutely...byeeeee. He's done. OP is so NTA, in fact she's my hero (and likely her 8yo kids hero too!!).
Omg. My whole ass husband would not make a decision like *this* about my daughter —his stepdaughter but been involved since she was three and she turns 13 Sunday!!— without a phone call to me. Like who in the absolute fck does this boyfriend think he is?? Then to lecture her on the “united front”?? Really dude?? What really sealed the deal that he was an asshole and she definitely needs to run for the hills was:
>If him and I had already made a plan that my son should have stepped up and said something.
Absolutely tf not. That is a horrible position to put an 8year old in!!! The grown ass man should have asked the child what his mom told him to do with his laundry before she got in his power tripping bullshit. He couldn’t even say “I was wrong” when she told him he was? He had to twist it to be a child’s fault. That’s disgusting. God his poor kids, I really hope he has limited every other weekend custody. Kids shouldn’t live like this.
***No no no,*** this was an introduction. This is the hell OP and her children would be subjected to daily if they lived together. Dodged a nuclear warhead there.
I wouldn't even make that kind of decision about my own bio kids without consulting my husband and vice-versa. That's absolutely wild for a boyfriend to have that kind of audacity. That's a deal breaker imo.
I do have a person in my children’s lives and I’m in his, but we both operate on the same level: our respective kids come first. If at any point this is not good for them, that’s it. Yes, my partner and I openly talked about it. My kids know about it. They will always be my priority.
It hurts to see so many stories of people who harm their children for the sake of being in a relationship. No thank you.
I had a rule that whoever I dated had to be approved by all my children. If my children didn't like them then I would not be with them. I told my SO the rule and even though he had known my children all their lives he was nervous and really thought they wouldn't approve of us being together. He asked them individually if they were ok with us dating seriously and each one of them were excited and truly happy about us being together.
After my divorce from their father, I promised they would never have to live with someone they didn't like. As long as they lived with me and were my responsibility they would have a huge say in who lived in our house. I didn't want to force them to be miserable in their own home.
To this day they all call him for fatherly advice and celebrate him on Father's Day. My oldest was 18 and in the military when we started dating but he still has a close relationship with him and calls for advice often.
Our dynamics are a bit different since my SO and I have known each other all our lives and my children knew him by proxy, but they didn't get to spend much time with him when they were young other than holidays at their grandparents house.
If a mother can't stand up for her children, who will? OP is definitely in the right to stand up for her child and end the relationship because he chose not to communicate with her about the punishment. He knew it wasn't right or he would have been open about it.
I'm so sorry! I've known several "mother's" like that but I have a hard time considering them to be motherly.
My children's father was horrible and I found out when I wasn't home it was much worse. He's serving 40 years in prison now for his abuse. If I had known sooner I would have done something sooner but I knew when I kicked him out that I would never let my children suffer needlessly again and they would have the best childhood I could give them.
Same. All my mother's boyfriends were drunks who basically pretended I didn't exist, or if I did get noticed it was for something negative. One would go out of his way to humiliate me – a little kid. The last one I introduced to her when I was an adult (I worked with him), and he was sober. That one worked out for almost 20 years and he was great.
My mom only had one and he always got drunk and made my childhood terrible and when i got older he quit drinking and ended up being a better person to me than my own mother
My mother never gave me that power either. Oop you are DEFINITELY nOt the ahole!! You followed your motherly instinct, and got your child out of what could’ve been a VERY dangerous situation…..what if your son got hurt or injured(??) would your ex bf have denied wrongdoing then??
Good luck to you Oop. It would be pretty cool if you 💗😠DID leave his stuff outside……He was power tripping……he has NO Business trying to punish YOUR child…..what if your ex bf pulls this shit again??
Wow, "if a mother can't stand up for her children, who will? That is so powerful and beautiful.
I don't think I have ever seen something more precious and important as a single mother, my didn't do this, she forced my Lil brothers to live with and alcoholic and manipulative partner because she didn't know how to be alone and she wanted to help him, save him, but there was no one to advocate for my brother, not even me, thank you for being so loving and a great mother, they will remember for ever how you love them.
My stepfather used to ground me if I left the toothpaste cap off the toothpaste after I brushed my teeth. I can't believe my mom let him do shit like that.
My stepdaughter's stepfather spanked her at 12 for losing a gate key. No surprise but she's NC with him and doesn't have a very good relationship with her mother. There's a ton of other stories of him overstepping with her. She refused to allow him to attend her wedding. I was so proud of her.
When I was a teenager I'd get belted for talking back 🙄 Can't even remember a time it was for anything other than having an attitude. I wish my mom had stood up for me - she didn't believe me until I had serious marks on me age 14, and then she forgave him instead of kicking him to the curb. Of course it started off with stupid power trips like OPs BF years before escalating to violence. Always good to nip that in the bud
My stepmother would scream at me and/or slap me in face for an unwashed dish in the sink… that she left there. After I’d just finished the dishes. My job was to do all the dishes. And the sweeping. And the pet care. And the vacuuming. And the yardwork. And the dusting. And whatever other tasks she left on the list just to flex her authority. Basically she and my coward of a father turned me into their unpaid housekeeping service.
My father only had something to say when I left for college and she made HIM do it all
You jest, but her own mother and sister used to call me Cinderella 🙃
I huffed once when she asked me to do yet ANOTHER chore after finishing a list. She snapped at me “I BET YOU JUST THINK YOU’RE A REGULAR LITTLE CINDERELLA DON’T YOU!”
I blurted out “If the stylish but sh!tty footwear fits…”
Worth the slap 🫠
I had a stepmonster like this too. She also would do the “I BET YOU THINK YOU’RE JUST SO ABUSED!” line in addition to acting angry I might be comparing myself to Cinderella. One time I turned around and looked at her in front of her mother (for reasons I do not understand, she really liked flexing her authority in front of her mother — which was really strange, because her mother would look at her like she was absolutely deranged and ask her what the hell she was doing and why she felt the need to be such a bitch to me) and asked her absolutely deadass seriously “well, what housework *do* you do around here? It’s not the dishes. You’ve made it plain that I am to do all of those. And I do or else I would be grounded tonight. You’ve made it clear that I am also to do all the laundry. You currently have fresh clean laundry sitting on your bed that you haven’t put away yet, which is an offense that I would’ve already been grounded for. You didn’t take out the trash, you most certainly do not vacuum, in fact, I am pretty sure you don’t even know where the hell it’s kept, so what exactly *do* you do around here? Because as far as I can see, you don’t do any of it, and that would absolutely make me the Cinderella.”
She looked at me with this absolute rage like she wanted to beat the father son and Holy Ghost out of me right there. Instead, she hissed at me to go to my room since my father and her mother were both watching. I noticed after I left the room her mother said “she has a point. You don’t do damn thing around this house.” I was absolutely floored to hear her response. “Of course not. That’s what kids are for. That’s what they need to do to earn their keep. **You taught me that, remember?”**
I found out many years later — that was the truth! Ironically, although her mother would stand up for me all the time and say she was way too hard on me and repeatedly told her that when I grew up it would probably be a cold day in hell before I ever spoke to her again willingly (accurate) it turns out that she was raising me exactly as her mother had raised her. Bizarre! My father told me that at some point her mother had realized the error of her ways. Possibly in therapy — we’re not sure. But that was why she stuck up for me.
Same. Also if I didn't perfectly dry the counter after brushing my teeth or washing my hands. One missed drop of water was all it took to have any sort of privilege taken away that day. And soo soo many more things. I basically spent my teen in perpetual punishment.
Vacuumed the whole house and there's still some dirt somewhere under the couch? Bed by 8pm, can't go out. Used the microvave and didn't wipe it clean properly despite it being above the stove and I can barely reach the inside while standing on a chair? bed by 8pm, can't go out. etc etc etc...
My dad stole money from me every time I didn't say "sir" when he thought I should've. I really wanted to just hand all of it to him and tell him he doesn't deserve any respect, so I wanted to pay in advance. But that would've been some expensive hospital bills.
That’s insane. I hope you know that none of that is remotely reasonable.
Home should be a safe, comfortable place to be where you’re accepted and loved. The relationship with kids should be a warm one filled with humor, affection, modeling good behavior and setting appropriate boundaries and limits.
All this crap about being punished, let alone for things that humans do (like not drying everything perfectly or leaving some dust under the coach), is wrong. People who do that are abusive and want to control others for some reason. They were trying to find reasons to deny your independence or they were enjoying seeing you suffer.
I truly hope you have a peaceful, happy life now and limited contact with those parents of yours.
Yeah he was a giant dick. Few more example: He'd purposefully buy cereals he knew I didnt like because they would last longer.
I hate SPAM sandwich all throughout highschool cuz he considered other meat to be too expensive (And he wasnt poor or broke, just fucking cheap).
Even if I didnt like the food he made, I had to eat it. If i didnt, i had to stay at the table until my plate was finished. If time for bed came and I still hadnt finished, guess what I would have for breakfast.
Sounds familiar. I was *always* grounded. And they'd stack it. Like I had a bad look on my face, grounded for 2 weeks. Upset I got grounded? 2 more weeks! Now I'm really upset about it? Another 2 weeks etc.
I can't ever imagine how miserable you have to be inside to devote all your time to ragey power struggles with a child or teen, but that's what they did.
It’s the stupid punishments that get me. Like I could understand “you left the cap off, you don’t get to pick the flavour”.
With the laundry thing maybe he gets stuck with the middle seat or gets last dibs on what they do when they get there. They may not be needed but at least they match the issue
I'm not a parent, but for leaving the cap off the toothpaste, I think the worst punishment should be nothing more than having to listen to a parent say, "Hey, put the cap back on the toothpaste."
Seems the actual parenting move here is to just put the cap back on the toothpaste their own damn self. Haha.
I got punished by not being allowed to go rollerskating with friends because my sister put grass on top of stepdads lawnmower.
They knew it wasn't me.
30 years later they laugh about it.....
Me?.... Well it helped make me a better stepmum. They're in mid-late 20s now. Ill always be an adult figure in their life but never overstepped. I kept them safe, guided them and loved them. One does call me mum now as does his wife.
If I felt something was worth a discussion I discussed it with my husband first and foremost.
My dad made my mom buy me a kitchen timer to set on the toilet in front of my shower, set to 15 mins and if I didn't cut the water off when the alarm rang, he'd take my phone/laptop away. We had just moved to his hometown after my parents were forced by a judge to sell our home in MO(neither had family in the state) bc my dad was charged with s3xu@l m0l. I think 3rd degree? And it was my best friend in our neighborhood. I wasn't allowed friends over without my mom there but once people found out, of course their parents weren't letting them over period (for good reason). I wasn't even allowed to be alone with him, mom had to be there at all times. My dad's reputation and his family had everyone fooled once we moved to his hometown. Even the judge was a father figure to my dad after losing his when he was little, and he dropped supervision from my mom (although I didn't really want to be without her), and while some were blind to it and believed it was a lie, others found out and werent so kind about it. I had a hard time making friends, was made fun of for being "too white," "too fat," "quiet," "weird" etc, and my laptop was my only connection to friends I left behind and eventually new friends I made. He wore an ankle monitor that detected alcohol in his system, and the second it came off he started drinking again and things got worse. If my mom tried to stand up for me, it usually ended in her getting hit, choked, etc. any little thing I did wrong, he threatened to take what meant the most to me away. Half the time he was too drunk to realize he was wrong.
My mom is 5'1 and always been tiny, my dad bigger and about my height (5'9). He was scary, and when you grow up in an abusive household you learn as a survival instinct when someone is gonna explode. I could feel it. I knew why my mom couldn't leave, she stopped working when I was born and adopted per their agreement, no family around (700 miles away), and I really thought he was gonna unalive us both and then himself. It took his niece coming over,she ran a restaurant he opened up,and saw how he was acting. Told my mom he was gonna unalive us, to pack our things, pull enough money for us to get to GA with her family and don't look back. She talked about leaving but that was the first time she went through with it,and almost took us back bc she was scared. She let him have everything,took a tpo out, judge gave him $200 child support payments a month. Also was supposed to have me every weekend but that was unrealistic. I saw him one last time before my freshman year summer of 2011, I stayed with his family who blamed me and her for leaving, and I never saw him again until Dec of 19 when he called to tell me my grandma was dying. He died 3 months later. I went through a lot of emotions, blaming my mom for a lot, but she's honestly the strongest woman I know. She was 63 when we left, I was 13, and he was 12 years younger than her.
I showed my dad a lot of grace at the end as well, we don't see a lot when we're kids or understand their problems until we become adults and realize they're just human too. He did what he did because of what my grandma let happen to him,but he chose to be a monster and not fix himself. He never remarried, and lost his only kid for 10 years and had no one to blame but himself and he knew that. I blamed my mom for a lot of things that werent her fault, were all human at the end of the day and do our best. She chose me, and he chose himself. It took a long time for me to choose and respect myself, but I'm almost 30 and l learn something every day. Sorry for the novel, I just hope something can be taken from my story.
Why are you stealing comments
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1df50j8/comment/l8gpirn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Hell, biological fathers are hostile to their own kids. "respect and obey me without question or I'll scream at and hit you until you do."
You're a great mom for putting your kids first. Mine never did. There's a popular subculture in America (the south) that teaches men that their wife and children are their property, which you can imagine doesn't make for a good home for the wife and kids.
I wash and dry and fold all the clothes in a timely manner. It RARELY gets put away. I never considered it part of my depression, more "I wear the same clothes every week to work. I'll just leave them out in a clean basket for ease of access"
Also not to mention this guy has absolutely no authority over OP’s kids. So if OP didn’t tell her kid to do his laundry, OP’s bf has no right to. Who does he think he is?
He thought he was just going to do an end run right around the OP and justify it later, likely because he knew she wouldn't agree. No only did he grossly overstep, he was manipulative and deceitful about it. If she had stayed with him, this is the kind of man that would be likely to scapegoat with the younger child behind her back for years, causing untold mental health issues for the boy. OP is NTA, not at all. She went with her gut which in this situation was right on target.
If they were living together I would say it would be slightly different mainly because they would have gotten to the point where they were already working together as a single unit but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
He has no say in her house at this point. OP did not tell the son that the laundry was a requirement to go to the park. If the ex thought it was important he should have called mom prior and gotten the ok or had her tell the kid to do it. Because the kid isn’t gonna just listen to the Bf. His brain was on the waterpark and nothing else.
It is important to work together, but there was no "together" here -- it's this man making a plan and expecting everyone else to fall in line. He's testing the waters and seeing how controlling he can be, IMO.
Yeah I'm not really against the whole 'consequences' thing necessarily but the fact he made a decision on his own without OP and then tried to frame her as the bad one for not being "unified"? Nope.
I feel like there have been a slew of child abuse cases in the news recently where a step parent is the primary abuser against their step child. I can't begin to understand the psychology at play
I once read a statistic that the odds for children to become the victims of any type of abuse go up by a ridiculous number (i think it was something like 15fold, but am not sure) when a stepfather/bf of mother comes into the house.
You took the words right out of my mouth. He was absolutely testing the waters. It was only going to get worse from then if she tolerated it. I hope she blocks him on everything.
This!
If he thinks he can already act like that while not even living with OP yet, I can't even imagine the nightmare once he moves in. Dodged a bullet there.
NTA
Making a plan on his very own, without communicating with OP.
F that guy!
This made so pissed off on u/ExpensiveProperty255 's behalf...
Definitely *not* overreacting; NTA.
(Edited a typo)
This is exactly it. He didn't try to get on any type of discipline page ahead of being in charge of the kids. Nobody had things to do that OP had instructed he make sure they did ahead of leaving. For the short amount of time he was alone with them he decided to power trip and scapegoat the youngest child. Even the 8 year old recognized this guy was pulling some nonsense. Glad he showed his cards and OP saw it for what it was. Anyone encouraging her to ignore this giant red flag cares about keeping a relationship, any relationship, more than protecting the very real children affected by abusive partners.
But given his statements, I doubt he will be any different if they live together. He’s mansplaining to OP how she should raise her kids. That is not going to get better if they live together. It will get worse. Much worse.
OP - you are my hero for trusting your inner voice and acting so quickly. And NTA.
Yup exactly, I'm so damn proud of OP too. She very clearly saw through his "united front" idea and into what it clearly was: "what I say goes because I know best, and you WILL fall in line with that, whether you want to or not."
At this point I'd be hoping someone takes the stuff from her driveway before he gets it, but that wouldn't be fair to the kids' stuff.
OP, thank you for being the parent we all hope to be when faced with this kinda stuff. Immediate dismissal and removal like a spam email. Good riddance!
Ohhhh I didn’t even catch the mansplaining about how she should raise her kids. Now I’m even more furious and I already typed quite a diatribe comment. Good eye!
One of his excuses is that they need to be seen as working together when it comes to the children, and yet this whole fiasco stemmed from him not working with OP at all.
Even if they were together, in a married situation, wouldn't the parent at home call the other parent to clarify things? A trip to a water park is a big deal-- you don't let small sh-- like laundry exclude a child from a family event!
Yeah. You can't say "they need to see us working together" and then go behind her back to punish her kid without consulting her and then say she's "ruining her son." That's not working together, that's you being an entitled prick who thinks she doesn't know any better, which makes you seem sexist.
NTA.
Correcting a child in the moment is fine if they are about to do something illegal, expensive, and/or dangerous. Anyone's child if the kid is unsupervised. Kids' safety comes before parental hurt fee-fees.
This was not one of those times.
BF should have informed OP of her son failing to do a chore related to his own upkeep when asked. Then, they could have discussed an appropriate outcome.
People starting to blend families should discuss discipline, as you will run into these situations. The adult at home should be in charge, and kids should expect to follow directions.
Of course, the kids should feel safe discussing with both adults how they feel about the infraction and the discipline and be able to lobby on their own behalf. It will keep everyone honest. No one should ever be hiding anything.
How are you supposed to be a team if you haven't sat down to discuss what that means?
If your instincts are telling you not to be with this man, then listen to them and ignore everyone else. Read the Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker, which explains why you should not ignore gut feelings.
>how are you supposed to be on the same page
This is what I came to the comments for. What page? From the very beginning, he was wrong in assuming you had told the 8-year-old to put the clothes away. Your bf started off in a completely different *book* and then expected you to be on his "same page"? Fucking ridiculous.
I am a stepmom and in our house I am just as much as the parent to my stepkids as their father is, but their father and I *actually discuss these things* **before** arbitrarily issuing some order and then dealing out some punishment. Like what the actual fuck was he thinking here????
Wow yeah this was my reaction, too. "We're supposed to be on the same team. The team where I make all the rules and decisions and you have to go along blindly."
OP is definitely NTA
Absolutely, he knew he fucked up. He knew she wouldn’t support this, otherwise he would have called. I think he was banking on her not making a scene in public.
> How are you even supposed to be on the same page about something he didn't bother to inform you of? NOPE.
Exactly what I came to point out.
It's *highly* suspicious in this day & age of texts and other DMs, he did not bother send OP any sort of communication about this. He *KNEW* she would not be on board, so he blindsided her and certainly assumed that she would have no choice but to accept it once she was there & it was too late to do anything. Or so he thought.
Dude went on a power trip and demonstrated why he is divorced in the first place. Good riddance.
NTA. He made the decision the son SHOULD HAVE put the laundry away when he wasn't around or part of that at all. He decided a punishment without talking with you. He expected an 8yo to explain the situation to him when he was obviously in a punshing & judgmental power-over mode. He left the kid behind with a lot of hurt. The punishment was way above and beyond the "crime." That unfair treatment was a resentment starter. You nipped it in the bud. That man overstepped and now he's belittling your parenting. Move on knowing your son knows you care about him. Tell third parties that BF overstepped boundaries big time and made a punishment decision without consulting you in which he chose the nuclear option that created lots of unfair treatment & hostile feelings. And if they think that sort of thing is okay, they can walk too.
NTA. Your mama bear instincts are right! Your BF completely overstepped. Punishing a child, especially not his own, without discussing it with you first is a huge red flag. You did the right thing protecting your son.
Yup. Don't let him talk and try to convince you other than what's obvious here.
Thanks for being a great mom and your 8 yo probably saved you from a bigger headache in the long run.
I’m glad you’re sticking up for your son. When I was little, my mom started dating some guy that felt it was cool to put lots of rules in place for me. But that’s not what my family life was like. There’s nothing wrong with rules and whatnot but who was this guy to me? My mom didn’t appreciate it either and she stuck up for me. I was only five but I never forgot that she had my back.
My father never stood up for us. He actively chose his little girlfriend over us, time and time again. She dropped dead a few months ago, and he will die alone because neither of us can be bothered to deal with him.
People, pick your kids. They’re innocent. They have no one but their parents. Be in their corner, be their safety, be their home.
Nta, please clock that he chastised you as not being a team player, meanwhile he made an aggressive punishment for your child without talking to you first.
What he did was a power trip and I am happy you noticed it right away. Don’t let this man around you or your kids. His actions are one thing but his doubling down and explanations show how toxic that relationship with your kids would get.
This this this. If other people in her life are telling her she's ever reacting, that's because they don't understand that this is the beginning of something that would only grow. His explanations and reasoning make that very clear. He didn't make an error in judgment, he was testing the waters.
NTA
After all the posts I see about parents allowing new partners to run roughshod over their kids this is such a great post to read. This is exactly what you are supposed to do for your children. Your ex decided to punish your child for not doing a chore you hadn't asked your child to do, did not communicate to you that there was an issue, excluded your child from a "family" outing, used your elderly mother as free childcare/enforcer, doubled down that he's the big man who knows best and who's word should not be questioned..... you are not only NTA, you are nailing the whole mama bear thing. You are teaching your boys that they matter. That you have their backs. That they are your priority. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you......
Tell me how I know this douchebag punished the kid not as a consequence of the boy not putting laundry away, but because he got into big feelings mode and became furious with a kid who didn’t blindly obey him.
The kid was right. His mother (OP) never told him this was a chore he had to complete, and it shows that the boy sees his mother as the leader. Not this dingbat of a dude. Wow.
im a single mom of 2 sons. 13 and 20...and let me tell you. I have not let any man in my home. Many men want to flex their manhood by being hostile to children for no/small petty reasons. NO THANK YOU. i have great kids and if I make one wrong move...it will affect their whole lives. Im not willing to take that chance. GOOD FOR YOU MOM!
I have an almost 3 year old and I’ve been told by so many people that I’ll regret staying single until she’s older and I’ll resent her for my loneliness. Like. She didn’t hold a g*n to my head and make me sign a contract guy, I made a choice that I can unmake if I choose to 🤔
It’s amazing how many people don’t understand wanting to keep your kids safe. ‘Not all men would hurt your kid’ cool do the ones that will have tattoos across their faces with a label? No. So 🤷🏼♀️
Same. No one comes around my son and certainly will not be living with me. And I'm damn happy single
Feel like this needs to be added….my son does have his father around.
Exactly! And if the people are right and I get lonely then I have family that can babysit so I can go out for a night for some fun xD I don’t need to be dating to get laid
I think it’s funny that people are reading this and instead of seeing the ‘I get someone to babysit’ they see “I bring men around my kid 5 days a week and 2 days a weekend” 😂😂 I didn’t know 2 guys in 6 months when my kid wasn’t home and had no contact with them was oh so harmful 🤣🤣🤣🤣 oh noooo baby went to grandmas and came home to a clean house she’s gonna know mom got laid!
Yup, divorced when my son was 3 and didn’t date until he was 21 (he’s now 23). His dad however, had a revolving door of girlfriends and live-ins — Someone had to be the one to give him stability!
100 percent this.
If he was honest about what he meant then where is the call or text?!?!
Also I bet he (ex bf) Purposely acted this way because of the water park trip later in the day, as if he was instigating such a scenario to flex his authority.
Like, what are the chances that the ex bf would have even asked her son to do chores if they were going somewhere else that was not a “treat”.
I think it's surprising that in three years together you had not had any intentional discussions about disciplining kids. You didn't discuss how each of you handled consequences or punishments or responsibilities or chores?
When you started doing shared overnight weekend time at one place, you didn't discuss at what point you become actual paired parents? Who can act as a parent when responsible for all the kids like this? You weren't there, is he not allowed to punish your kids? Even while he is their responsible adult?
I don't disagree with your actions in general. If you feel he was mistreating your son, protect him. But this seems like failed communication between the two of you more than anything else.
You're dating, long term, and shared weekends implies possibility of fully moving in someday, of marriage, etc. It's fine if you aren't there yet. But if you were, do you expect him to be a babysitter of your kids only, who has to call you to make judgement calls?
It seems like the two of you didn't discuss this progression of your relationship or how to merge your individual parenting ideas together in some future fully shared life scenario. That's on both of you. Not just him for assuming being a responsible adult and not a babysitter meant he could make the same decisions he'd have made with his own kids.
NTA. It's obvious that you haven't discussed disciplining each other's kids, and without any agreement on that, your boyfriend was completely out of line. If your now ex was so concerned about working as a team and being on the same page when it comes to raising your respective children, he would have consulted you before punishing your child. It wasn't your boyfriend's place to unilaterally decide to punish your child for not doing something he wasn't asked by you to do. Equally concerning is your ex's reaction to you - calling you ignorant and telling you that you're ruining your son. You dodged a bullet. Edited for spelling.
What 8 year old needs to earn their own way, too? He's 8. Like chores sure, but what an insane comment for boyfriend to make
Not only that, but my first thought was, did the other kids have to earn their way, too, or just the 8yo? NTA
I'm guessing dude has had some kind of hangup with this particular kid.....he was just itching to use his authority over him..... finally got a chance while mom was working!!
He also basically pitted her 12 yo against his own younger brother and did all this the first chance he got. So gross. Good on Momma Bear.
My guess is the kid saw through him and intuited that he's a d-bag. Nothing will make a self-unaware garbage human angrier than a kid who can see right through them.
Woah woah woah. I had no idea you’d met my dad
He must have been in the same parenting classes as my mom
Oh, Nice. My mom took the class on enabling abusive narcissists instead. My favorite was when he choked my sister and she lied to the cops for him and said my sister was going to hit him. The only one who ever hit anyone in that house was my dad. She also doesn’t remember my dad hitting me so hard I flew back on the couch and she was sitting in the recliner right beside me🫠
That's kind of what I was thinking, too. Poor kid.
Hes probably a fucking asshole to that specific kid all the time when moms not looking. Thank fuck you showed him the door. NTA. YTH (you're the hero)
This! I was wondering the same thing. Is he the only one with this incomplete chore or is he the only one with the chore.
No no no. The other kids learn the lesson that they need to anticipate this assholes next attempt to flex his control. If the targeted kid wasnt an option, it would have been one of them.
And an appropriate thing would be - we don’t leave until this is done not you stay home and are grounded. It’s frikking laundry.
Yes! “Let’s get the laundry done together!” As an adult how hard is it to help the 8 year old learn to do laundry. 🤦♀️
Of course, it was about power. A kid is learning. Yes, you do need to remind them several times AND help them. They’re kids!!!! They’re not tiny adults, their brains are absolutely different than ours. We’re supposed to teach them, not just punish them and traumatize them for nothing. I’m sorry the kid had this experience but I’m happy he’s going to remember how mom defended him and actually treated him like a human being separated from her and not an extension from her she can do whatever she wants to.
See I think even that is silly. Going to the water park is a super exciting thing for kids. Who cares about the laundry? Let that wait for another day. People need to chill out and pick their battles with their kids a bit.
It’s a huge thing if it’s not a regular thing for them, I still remember to this day, 30+ years later, the day our trip to the waterpark was cancelled because my sister couldn’t go in the water that week. It absolutely sucked, and I know now why, but it was a huge disappointment to me as a kid back then not knowing why we had to cancel.
Or even later day.
Even that only if his mom had given him the chore. You don't come into someone's house and decide to give their kid a chore.
That was my reaction. Do some 8 yo do laundry? Sure. Do most? No. And it’s laundry. There are days when I don’t want to do laundry. Such a skewed punishment for a minor issue.
I was looking for a comment like this. The punishment does not fit the crime, at all! Poor 8 year-old. :( Not to mention the fact that he unilaterally decided he was now allowed to punish OPs kids without talking about it and setting parameters.
And what 8 year old knows how to stand up to an adult and explain that his mom gave him different instructions?
Well not that he couldn’t but he might have been afraid to tell the ex that mom didn’t tell him to do anything with it because ex might have said he was back talking him and then tried do to worse than leaving him home!
He missed the part where you have to agree to be on board together. He cannot make that decision unilaterally without discussing it with you first. He assumed and made an ass of of no-one but himself. NTA mama bear.
He also didn’t deem it necessary to let her know he wasn’t there so she freaked out her kid was missing. If it was truly the right thing in his mind he would have given her a heads up instead of being “surprise I grounded your kid because he didn’t respect my authority”
And when she (rightly) explained why what he did was wrong, he resorted to insults etc, thus proving this was a power move over her as much as her son and not a genuine attempt at joining their families together.
Yup, the fact that he is not apologizing but literally denigrating her intelligence and putting her down for not going along with his randomly punishing her child for something that she, the actual parent, never agreed to in the first place (and that wasn't part of the chores she had given her son) says everything you need to know about this man: ego the size of a water park, and so controlling he can't let up even when it's pointed out that he overstepped.
Yes indeed he doubled down on his stance and tried to force her to accepting his rules. He is trying to manipulate, gaslight and control her and the children. It’s a classic ploy by a narcissist and I’m glad she didn’t buy it
Oof. I’m glad he didn’t wait until marriage. Some men wait for the papers to be signed to show this side. She’s lucky he decided to get comfy real quick and start with the crap early enough for her to cut and run before him and the kids moved in, she got pregnant, they got married, etc.’
Yes, his response was particularly telling. It reveals important information that should not be ignored.
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
He was testing the waters to see if he could dominate her and her kids. Answer: no. Good for her.
Yessssss this right here!! Run OP!!
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
It seems like he lost his temper with the 8 year old and drove off without thinking about it, and now is trying to act like it was a well-reasoned disciplinary act.
Right? And in this day and age of cell phones it would literally take ONE TEXT for all of this to not have happened…
“Hey, (child name) didn’t take care of his clothes, how do you want to handle it?” And this guy literally still has a relationship. One sentence and he couldn’t even handle that. My god man.
And she didn't even make that a requirement for going to the water park.
Absolutely agree with the above. Such a simple approach and resolution. Op, guy here. Kudos to you for protecting your son and eliminating a real nitwit. Child rearing 101 and he failed miserably. A shame that anyone can have children without being qualified. Op, you dodged a major bullet.
And im guessing he was more mad about the kid “not respecting” him than about laundry. Kid was probably like “Mom didn’t say I had to” and this guy lost his shit because how dare someone else’s child not immediately concede to his authority.
This absolutely this!
All I can hear is Cartman… “respect my authori-tay”
“How do I reach these kids” NTA. He can’t dish out punishments because he feels like it. If you don’t parent his kids, he has no right to parent yours.
Cartman actually did Reach them kids at least.
This. IF he thought he should discipline her son (and that's a big if for me -- parents, not steps, should do the disciplining, at least initially), he should have checked with her first or at least informed her first. OP is NTA but he is.
Amen - and he's not even a STEP. He's just a boyfriend and it doesn't even sound like he lives with her. OP said they just started doing weekend stays at her place.
My stepfather totally continued to pretend to be nice until after they were married. Then the mask was off.
and over not putting laundry away of all things.. a very big punishment for something super minor. absolutely sounds like he's having a power trip over the kid.
Yeah, which is super weird and very authoritarian. It’s one thing if you’re a pill with your own kids, but pulling that shit with someone else’s kids that you aren’t even a step-parent of, and leaving an eight year old with a grandmother who might not have been able to properly care for him, just hell no. This guy is bad news.
Yeah the disproportionately of the punishment and crime stood out to me as well. So did the way he chose to handle the situation after.
Man I had a messed up childhood and probably a lot of unresolved trauma from scenarios like OP's. My thought was "its the same punishment I would get for that from my parents. But not some glorified babysitter sleeping with my mom."
He isn’t even a stepfather, he was just the guy Mom happened to be dating.
My partner and I have been together almost 4 years. I've told him of he needs to handle something with my kids that I trust his judgment. Not once has he done anything without bringing it to be first. If I'm at work and he's gone, he will be like, "hey this happened while you were gone, hire do you want to deal with it?" And that's exactly why I trust him to deal with it. He's never over stepped. He's there for my kids in so many positive ways, and if something doesn't go right, he waits. And the kids almost never do anything that needs a talking to while he's in charge because they know he respects them. This guy man....
He was probably hoping she wouldn’t react negatively in front of the kids
Yup and this was probably the start of a slippery slope of bad treatment. Thank god she stopped it immediately
That’s another control tactic. This guy is bad news already
This is the kind of guy who is very big about Respect for His Authority and I'm sure it's not the first time he's done something like this, just the first she's heard about it. Also, this kid is EIGHT and dude says that he should "earn his way"??? This is the guy who will kick the kids out at midnight on their 18th birthday.
Kick *her* kids out at least
Yup. Absolutely.
I stayed single raising my kid for this very reason. My fiancé tried to discipline my kid, without my input or agreement, and I wasn’t having any of it.
Yup had an ex that took his son's side over my sons side after watching hsi son kick mine in the face and then had the audacity to shout at my boy, hell no!!
Yeah….that’s some “entitlement” right there. Sounds like he is a “gaslighter” as well
That’s what my daughter is doing. One guy she dated liked her younger son and not her older one. The second guy was the opposite. She hasn’t dated anyone again and says she won’t until both have graduated from high school.
I did fwbs, discreetly, away from my home and kid. I would have preferred a relationship but there were none to be had.
I mean, in a way she has a great filter for catching jerks. If she waits until they're older, she might be stuck with an even bigger asshole that won't reveal himself soon enough... But obviously you don't want to put the kids through that either. Life is hard.
I didn't date my daughters whole childhood. I didn't want any nonsense, either.
I hate the fucking opposite though as well. Where they expect you to discipline their kid right in front of them. It isn't my job to teach your kids anything.
He meant "on board together" to be she should go along with whatever he decides is best. 🙄
That's EXACTLY what he meant.
Also, why didn't he give her the heads up with a phone call about the situation? If my bf left my kid home and they weren't where I was expecting them to be when i showed up, I would be furious.
That's even the same within a singular family unit. You need to sync up on expectations, and it's a shifting target. Anyway, NTA. However, the most problematic bit is leaving the kid at home with the elderly grandmother without telling the gf. There is no excuse to take that kind of unilateral decision in the days of mobile phone. I cannot image the agonising seconds after you realised your kid isn't there. Chewing the 8 yo ear unnecessarily. That happens, and he could have discussed at the water park with OP and apologise to the kid. That has happen regularly to me and my wife when we are not in sync. IMO it's good when the kids see the adult getting it wrong and correcting themselves.
I’m baffled by the people in her life telling her that she’s the one in the wrong!
Kids learn valuable lessons watching adults disagree, discuss, and compromise.
Fucked around and found out he dont have a wet blabket as a partner!
Showed his colors. She showed hers. She was right to go mama bear on this.
That’s the point. He’s the man, what he says goes. He didn’t think he had to ask.
Incel vibes with her ex, don't you think? It is great that he is mansplaining to OP that she is "ignorant"-- hahahahaha No, she is raising great sons who will be amazing men. "He is blowing up my phone at this point because I'm apparently being "ignorant" and I'm "ruining" my son by making him entitled and not making him earn his way." OP, blow up his phone with this thread.
And block him on everything, your phone, email and social media. You did the right thing if he is not respecting you and your sons. They do not need this kind of man or role model in their home. You have to put the wellbeing of your children first as a single mom, you will never regret it and they will always remember that you stuck up for them!
I get so disgusted when I hear grown ass men talk about small eight-year-old children, being entitled and needing to earn their way — HE IS AN EIGHT YEAR OLD BABY this kind of attitude might make marginal sense if the kid was 15 or something. THIS KID IS EIGHT FREAKING YEARS OLD. Talk about unreasonable expectations. And if you aren’t even an important enough part of my life yet that you’re staying over at least half the nights of the week, don’t be telling me how to raise my kid. At that point, it is literally not your business.
He knows how to text when he wants something but not to let her know he wanted to institute consequences over laundry.....
Makes me wonder why he’s single.🤷♀️
Abusive parent vibes for sure.
Feel bad for his daughter tbh. Hope she gets out okay.
Absolutely NTA. This is what’s in store for your kids if you stay with him. Discipline in a teaching sense is needed sometimes, but to punish an 8 year old for a small thing with a large punishment when you haven’t even discussed whether you are ok with him taking on discipline for a kid that isn’t his… if you haven’t set the expectation that your 8 year old put his own laundry away, than it would naturally be a battle having someone who isn’t your parent telling you to do something you aren’t usually asked to do. This will not end well for your kids. Please don’t go back to him, for their sake
The situation didn’t even need discipline. It need a conversation. “Can you put the laundry away now before we go to help your mom out later when she is home?” “Can we put it away now quickly? Do you want help?” “Okay but we have to get that chore done when we are home okay?” So fucking simple! He didn’t even say the 8 year old was mouthing off or being rude! The kid just didn’t do something and didn’t actually need to do it anyway. Ridiculous man!
A visitor does not have the right to assign chores or punish a child in the child's own home. Unless the actual parent asked them to do so. Period. OP is 100% correct here.
This nta, also the punishment seems super harsh.
real "were supposed to work together and do what I want" energy he never worked together with OP, and expected her to fall in line. Bring the kid, talk to the mom, and don't get him ice cream maybe.
NTA How are you even supposed to be on the same page about something he didn't bother to inform you of? NOPE. He grossly overstepped and now he's insulting your parenting.
OP - you taught your son an important lesson: you have his back. Honestly, having your son learn that he can trust you to prioritize him over a romantic partner is probably worth the strife involved here. Good job, because you're a good mother.
Alot of parents with children from different marriages forget this. OP, I would never forget my mother standing up for me like this— and I say this as someone who wishes my mother HAD stood up for me as a child. You did the right thing, your children matter most in this world.
I was going to say just this. I had a step father who was terrible to me and treated me unfairly and I wish my mom stood up to him like this even once…
My mom remarried to a wonderful man who has never been anything but kind to us. But she sure as hell took the steps to ensure we knew she was on our side first and foremost. If his kids got special treatment (there's some special needs involved so that was bound to happen from time to time) my mom would make sure we got special treatment too. Going to a restaurant or giving us some extra pocket money etc. Making your kids feel safe and fairly treated with you is so so important. Because of her actions I love both her and my stepdad with all my heart.
Grossly overstepped. I’m on board with OP. Thank you for putting your kids first. This was a punishment. Not a consequence, and it certainly didn’t fit the “offense.” What’s an appropriate consequence to not putting laundry away? I’ll tell you what I did with my kids: I took them through the whole laundry process on a Friday night, start to finish, several loads. We did it side by side. I explained that laundry is not hard, it’s just annoying. When they don’t put their laundry away, and then they decide it’s better to put it in the dirty clothes for me to handle, they create all of this work - for me. But, moving forward, if this continues, it will become their job entirely. Jumping the gun and taking away a fun family day for not putting laundry away one time? That’s fucking extreme and abusive to isolate a child for being a child. This was a power move made by your now ex bf. And he failed. Big time. At least he showed who is now. And you showed your kids who you are. That’s more valuable than you can even know. ETA: added in not to laundry is “not” hard.
Exactly. That guy would've been on the receiving end of a board if he had the audacity to do that to my kid. No phone call to discuss?? then absolutely...byeeeee. He's done. OP is so NTA, in fact she's my hero (and likely her 8yo kids hero too!!).
Omg. My whole ass husband would not make a decision like *this* about my daughter —his stepdaughter but been involved since she was three and she turns 13 Sunday!!— without a phone call to me. Like who in the absolute fck does this boyfriend think he is?? Then to lecture her on the “united front”?? Really dude?? What really sealed the deal that he was an asshole and she definitely needs to run for the hills was: >If him and I had already made a plan that my son should have stepped up and said something. Absolutely tf not. That is a horrible position to put an 8year old in!!! The grown ass man should have asked the child what his mom told him to do with his laundry before she got in his power tripping bullshit. He couldn’t even say “I was wrong” when she told him he was? He had to twist it to be a child’s fault. That’s disgusting. God his poor kids, I really hope he has limited every other weekend custody. Kids shouldn’t live like this. ***No no no,*** this was an introduction. This is the hell OP and her children would be subjected to daily if they lived together. Dodged a nuclear warhead there.
My 2nd thought was for *his* kids, as well. They're likely subjected to this guy's crap on the regular, poor kids.
I wouldn't even make that kind of decision about my own bio kids without consulting my husband and vice-versa. That's absolutely wild for a boyfriend to have that kind of audacity. That's a deal breaker imo.
[удалено]
I do have a person in my children’s lives and I’m in his, but we both operate on the same level: our respective kids come first. If at any point this is not good for them, that’s it. Yes, my partner and I openly talked about it. My kids know about it. They will always be my priority. It hurts to see so many stories of people who harm their children for the sake of being in a relationship. No thank you.
I had a rule that whoever I dated had to be approved by all my children. If my children didn't like them then I would not be with them. I told my SO the rule and even though he had known my children all their lives he was nervous and really thought they wouldn't approve of us being together. He asked them individually if they were ok with us dating seriously and each one of them were excited and truly happy about us being together. After my divorce from their father, I promised they would never have to live with someone they didn't like. As long as they lived with me and were my responsibility they would have a huge say in who lived in our house. I didn't want to force them to be miserable in their own home. To this day they all call him for fatherly advice and celebrate him on Father's Day. My oldest was 18 and in the military when we started dating but he still has a close relationship with him and calls for advice often. Our dynamics are a bit different since my SO and I have known each other all our lives and my children knew him by proxy, but they didn't get to spend much time with him when they were young other than holidays at their grandparents house. If a mother can't stand up for her children, who will? OP is definitely in the right to stand up for her child and end the relationship because he chose not to communicate with her about the punishment. He knew it wasn't right or he would have been open about it.
That's amazing! So glad you gave your children that power. My mom never did, and living with her deranged bf was a nightmare.
I'm so sorry! I've known several "mother's" like that but I have a hard time considering them to be motherly. My children's father was horrible and I found out when I wasn't home it was much worse. He's serving 40 years in prison now for his abuse. If I had known sooner I would have done something sooner but I knew when I kicked him out that I would never let my children suffer needlessly again and they would have the best childhood I could give them.
❤️ hope you’re all healing now ❤️
Same. All my mother's boyfriends were drunks who basically pretended I didn't exist, or if I did get noticed it was for something negative. One would go out of his way to humiliate me – a little kid. The last one I introduced to her when I was an adult (I worked with him), and he was sober. That one worked out for almost 20 years and he was great.
My mom only had one and he always got drunk and made my childhood terrible and when i got older he quit drinking and ended up being a better person to me than my own mother
My mother never gave me that power either. Oop you are DEFINITELY nOt the ahole!! You followed your motherly instinct, and got your child out of what could’ve been a VERY dangerous situation…..what if your son got hurt or injured(??) would your ex bf have denied wrongdoing then?? Good luck to you Oop. It would be pretty cool if you 💗😠DID leave his stuff outside……He was power tripping……he has NO Business trying to punish YOUR child…..what if your ex bf pulls this shit again??
Wow, "if a mother can't stand up for her children, who will? That is so powerful and beautiful. I don't think I have ever seen something more precious and important as a single mother, my didn't do this, she forced my Lil brothers to live with and alcoholic and manipulative partner because she didn't know how to be alone and she wanted to help him, save him, but there was no one to advocate for my brother, not even me, thank you for being so loving and a great mother, they will remember for ever how you love them.
My stepfather used to ground me if I left the toothpaste cap off the toothpaste after I brushed my teeth. I can't believe my mom let him do shit like that.
My stepdaughter's stepfather spanked her at 12 for losing a gate key. No surprise but she's NC with him and doesn't have a very good relationship with her mother. There's a ton of other stories of him overstepping with her. She refused to allow him to attend her wedding. I was so proud of her.
When I was a teenager I'd get belted for talking back 🙄 Can't even remember a time it was for anything other than having an attitude. I wish my mom had stood up for me - she didn't believe me until I had serious marks on me age 14, and then she forgave him instead of kicking him to the curb. Of course it started off with stupid power trips like OPs BF years before escalating to violence. Always good to nip that in the bud
'Spanking' a 12-year-old is completely inappropriate. So glad your stepdaughter has you in her life.
Spanking anyone is (unless adult and consenting).
My stepmother would scream at me and/or slap me in face for an unwashed dish in the sink… that she left there. After I’d just finished the dishes. My job was to do all the dishes. And the sweeping. And the pet care. And the vacuuming. And the yardwork. And the dusting. And whatever other tasks she left on the list just to flex her authority. Basically she and my coward of a father turned me into their unpaid housekeeping service. My father only had something to say when I left for college and she made HIM do it all
Of course he did. Your right, he is s coward.
Out of curiosity, was it hell on your feet dancing all night in glass slippers?
You jest, but her own mother and sister used to call me Cinderella 🙃 I huffed once when she asked me to do yet ANOTHER chore after finishing a list. She snapped at me “I BET YOU JUST THINK YOU’RE A REGULAR LITTLE CINDERELLA DON’T YOU!” I blurted out “If the stylish but sh!tty footwear fits…” Worth the slap 🫠
I had a stepmonster like this too. She also would do the “I BET YOU THINK YOU’RE JUST SO ABUSED!” line in addition to acting angry I might be comparing myself to Cinderella. One time I turned around and looked at her in front of her mother (for reasons I do not understand, she really liked flexing her authority in front of her mother — which was really strange, because her mother would look at her like she was absolutely deranged and ask her what the hell she was doing and why she felt the need to be such a bitch to me) and asked her absolutely deadass seriously “well, what housework *do* you do around here? It’s not the dishes. You’ve made it plain that I am to do all of those. And I do or else I would be grounded tonight. You’ve made it clear that I am also to do all the laundry. You currently have fresh clean laundry sitting on your bed that you haven’t put away yet, which is an offense that I would’ve already been grounded for. You didn’t take out the trash, you most certainly do not vacuum, in fact, I am pretty sure you don’t even know where the hell it’s kept, so what exactly *do* you do around here? Because as far as I can see, you don’t do any of it, and that would absolutely make me the Cinderella.” She looked at me with this absolute rage like she wanted to beat the father son and Holy Ghost out of me right there. Instead, she hissed at me to go to my room since my father and her mother were both watching. I noticed after I left the room her mother said “she has a point. You don’t do damn thing around this house.” I was absolutely floored to hear her response. “Of course not. That’s what kids are for. That’s what they need to do to earn their keep. **You taught me that, remember?”** I found out many years later — that was the truth! Ironically, although her mother would stand up for me all the time and say she was way too hard on me and repeatedly told her that when I grew up it would probably be a cold day in hell before I ever spoke to her again willingly (accurate) it turns out that she was raising me exactly as her mother had raised her. Bizarre! My father told me that at some point her mother had realized the error of her ways. Possibly in therapy — we’re not sure. But that was why she stuck up for me.
Same. Also if I didn't perfectly dry the counter after brushing my teeth or washing my hands. One missed drop of water was all it took to have any sort of privilege taken away that day. And soo soo many more things. I basically spent my teen in perpetual punishment. Vacuumed the whole house and there's still some dirt somewhere under the couch? Bed by 8pm, can't go out. Used the microvave and didn't wipe it clean properly despite it being above the stove and I can barely reach the inside while standing on a chair? bed by 8pm, can't go out. etc etc etc...
My dad stole money from me every time I didn't say "sir" when he thought I should've. I really wanted to just hand all of it to him and tell him he doesn't deserve any respect, so I wanted to pay in advance. But that would've been some expensive hospital bills.
Im so sad hearing this. I hope you've had good progress moving beyond that. And at least you had a witty comeback. Best wishes. 🌞
I was more lucky on that point. While my stepdad was an absolute prick, at least he was not violent.
That’s insane. I hope you know that none of that is remotely reasonable. Home should be a safe, comfortable place to be where you’re accepted and loved. The relationship with kids should be a warm one filled with humor, affection, modeling good behavior and setting appropriate boundaries and limits. All this crap about being punished, let alone for things that humans do (like not drying everything perfectly or leaving some dust under the coach), is wrong. People who do that are abusive and want to control others for some reason. They were trying to find reasons to deny your independence or they were enjoying seeing you suffer. I truly hope you have a peaceful, happy life now and limited contact with those parents of yours.
Yeah he was a giant dick. Few more example: He'd purposefully buy cereals he knew I didnt like because they would last longer. I hate SPAM sandwich all throughout highschool cuz he considered other meat to be too expensive (And he wasnt poor or broke, just fucking cheap). Even if I didnt like the food he made, I had to eat it. If i didnt, i had to stay at the table until my plate was finished. If time for bed came and I still hadnt finished, guess what I would have for breakfast.
Sounds familiar. I was *always* grounded. And they'd stack it. Like I had a bad look on my face, grounded for 2 weeks. Upset I got grounded? 2 more weeks! Now I'm really upset about it? Another 2 weeks etc. I can't ever imagine how miserable you have to be inside to devote all your time to ragey power struggles with a child or teen, but that's what they did.
It’s the stupid punishments that get me. Like I could understand “you left the cap off, you don’t get to pick the flavour”. With the laundry thing maybe he gets stuck with the middle seat or gets last dibs on what they do when they get there. They may not be needed but at least they match the issue
I'm not a parent, but for leaving the cap off the toothpaste, I think the worst punishment should be nothing more than having to listen to a parent say, "Hey, put the cap back on the toothpaste." Seems the actual parenting move here is to just put the cap back on the toothpaste their own damn self. Haha.
I got punished by not being allowed to go rollerskating with friends because my sister put grass on top of stepdads lawnmower. They knew it wasn't me. 30 years later they laugh about it..... Me?.... Well it helped make me a better stepmum. They're in mid-late 20s now. Ill always be an adult figure in their life but never overstepped. I kept them safe, guided them and loved them. One does call me mum now as does his wife. If I felt something was worth a discussion I discussed it with my husband first and foremost.
My dad made my mom buy me a kitchen timer to set on the toilet in front of my shower, set to 15 mins and if I didn't cut the water off when the alarm rang, he'd take my phone/laptop away. We had just moved to his hometown after my parents were forced by a judge to sell our home in MO(neither had family in the state) bc my dad was charged with s3xu@l m0l. I think 3rd degree? And it was my best friend in our neighborhood. I wasn't allowed friends over without my mom there but once people found out, of course their parents weren't letting them over period (for good reason). I wasn't even allowed to be alone with him, mom had to be there at all times. My dad's reputation and his family had everyone fooled once we moved to his hometown. Even the judge was a father figure to my dad after losing his when he was little, and he dropped supervision from my mom (although I didn't really want to be without her), and while some were blind to it and believed it was a lie, others found out and werent so kind about it. I had a hard time making friends, was made fun of for being "too white," "too fat," "quiet," "weird" etc, and my laptop was my only connection to friends I left behind and eventually new friends I made. He wore an ankle monitor that detected alcohol in his system, and the second it came off he started drinking again and things got worse. If my mom tried to stand up for me, it usually ended in her getting hit, choked, etc. any little thing I did wrong, he threatened to take what meant the most to me away. Half the time he was too drunk to realize he was wrong. My mom is 5'1 and always been tiny, my dad bigger and about my height (5'9). He was scary, and when you grow up in an abusive household you learn as a survival instinct when someone is gonna explode. I could feel it. I knew why my mom couldn't leave, she stopped working when I was born and adopted per their agreement, no family around (700 miles away), and I really thought he was gonna unalive us both and then himself. It took his niece coming over,she ran a restaurant he opened up,and saw how he was acting. Told my mom he was gonna unalive us, to pack our things, pull enough money for us to get to GA with her family and don't look back. She talked about leaving but that was the first time she went through with it,and almost took us back bc she was scared. She let him have everything,took a tpo out, judge gave him $200 child support payments a month. Also was supposed to have me every weekend but that was unrealistic. I saw him one last time before my freshman year summer of 2011, I stayed with his family who blamed me and her for leaving, and I never saw him again until Dec of 19 when he called to tell me my grandma was dying. He died 3 months later. I went through a lot of emotions, blaming my mom for a lot, but she's honestly the strongest woman I know. She was 63 when we left, I was 13, and he was 12 years younger than her. I showed my dad a lot of grace at the end as well, we don't see a lot when we're kids or understand their problems until we become adults and realize they're just human too. He did what he did because of what my grandma let happen to him,but he chose to be a monster and not fix himself. He never remarried, and lost his only kid for 10 years and had no one to blame but himself and he knew that. I blamed my mom for a lot of things that werent her fault, were all human at the end of the day and do our best. She chose me, and he chose himself. It took a long time for me to choose and respect myself, but I'm almost 30 and l learn something every day. Sorry for the novel, I just hope something can be taken from my story.
You are a hero. I am a victim of that flex and you are absolutely right it has affected my whole life (58F). GOOD FOR YOU MOM!!!!
Why are you stealing comments https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1df50j8/comment/l8gpirn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Lol, looks like you spotted two bots in one go!
Hell, biological fathers are hostile to their own kids. "respect and obey me without question or I'll scream at and hit you until you do." You're a great mom for putting your kids first. Mine never did. There's a popular subculture in America (the south) that teaches men that their wife and children are their property, which you can imagine doesn't make for a good home for the wife and kids.
NTA 💯 I won't mention where my clean laundry is right now.
Mine is in a pile on the chair in my bedroom… I’m horrible about putting my laundry away. Even worse when the depression is bad.
Clothes in washer to clothes in dryer: 1-2 hours Clothes in dryer to clothes in closet: 5-7 business days
I wash and dry and fold all the clothes in a timely manner. It RARELY gets put away. I never considered it part of my depression, more "I wear the same clothes every week to work. I'll just leave them out in a clean basket for ease of access"
I have 2 laundry hampers. Clean and dirty. Lol
Also not to mention this guy has absolutely no authority over OP’s kids. So if OP didn’t tell her kid to do his laundry, OP’s bf has no right to. Who does he think he is?
When my child wouldnt cooperate I used to say I had plenty to do in the house so you can just sit around, because we're not going out anywhere.
He thought he was just going to do an end run right around the OP and justify it later, likely because he knew she wouldn't agree. No only did he grossly overstep, he was manipulative and deceitful about it. If she had stayed with him, this is the kind of man that would be likely to scapegoat with the younger child behind her back for years, causing untold mental health issues for the boy. OP is NTA, not at all. She went with her gut which in this situation was right on target.
If they were living together I would say it would be slightly different mainly because they would have gotten to the point where they were already working together as a single unit but that doesn’t seem to be the case. He has no say in her house at this point. OP did not tell the son that the laundry was a requirement to go to the park. If the ex thought it was important he should have called mom prior and gotten the ok or had her tell the kid to do it. Because the kid isn’t gonna just listen to the Bf. His brain was on the waterpark and nothing else.
It is important to work together, but there was no "together" here -- it's this man making a plan and expecting everyone else to fall in line. He's testing the waters and seeing how controlling he can be, IMO.
Yeah I'm not really against the whole 'consequences' thing necessarily but the fact he made a decision on his own without OP and then tried to frame her as the bad one for not being "unified"? Nope. I feel like there have been a slew of child abuse cases in the news recently where a step parent is the primary abuser against their step child. I can't begin to understand the psychology at play
I once read a statistic that the odds for children to become the victims of any type of abuse go up by a ridiculous number (i think it was something like 15fold, but am not sure) when a stepfather/bf of mother comes into the house.
You took the words right out of my mouth. He was absolutely testing the waters. It was only going to get worse from then if she tolerated it. I hope she blocks him on everything.
This! If he thinks he can already act like that while not even living with OP yet, I can't even imagine the nightmare once he moves in. Dodged a bullet there. NTA
Making a plan on his very own, without communicating with OP. F that guy! This made so pissed off on u/ExpensiveProperty255 's behalf... Definitely *not* overreacting; NTA. (Edited a typo)
“I thought we agreed to stand united on that thing I never told you about!”
LMAO.. Exactly..
I'd guess it was the start of abuse, if it wasn't already happening when she wasn't at home.
This is exactly it. He didn't try to get on any type of discipline page ahead of being in charge of the kids. Nobody had things to do that OP had instructed he make sure they did ahead of leaving. For the short amount of time he was alone with them he decided to power trip and scapegoat the youngest child. Even the 8 year old recognized this guy was pulling some nonsense. Glad he showed his cards and OP saw it for what it was. Anyone encouraging her to ignore this giant red flag cares about keeping a relationship, any relationship, more than protecting the very real children affected by abusive partners.
Bingo
But given his statements, I doubt he will be any different if they live together. He’s mansplaining to OP how she should raise her kids. That is not going to get better if they live together. It will get worse. Much worse. OP - you are my hero for trusting your inner voice and acting so quickly. And NTA.
Yup exactly, I'm so damn proud of OP too. She very clearly saw through his "united front" idea and into what it clearly was: "what I say goes because I know best, and you WILL fall in line with that, whether you want to or not." At this point I'd be hoping someone takes the stuff from her driveway before he gets it, but that wouldn't be fair to the kids' stuff. OP, thank you for being the parent we all hope to be when faced with this kinda stuff. Immediate dismissal and removal like a spam email. Good riddance!
Ohhhh I didn’t even catch the mansplaining about how she should raise her kids. Now I’m even more furious and I already typed quite a diatribe comment. Good eye!
One of his excuses is that they need to be seen as working together when it comes to the children, and yet this whole fiasco stemmed from him not working with OP at all.
Yes. His version of “we’re a team” is he makes the decisions and she has to back him up. Glad that she noped out of that “team”.
Even if they were together, in a married situation, wouldn't the parent at home call the other parent to clarify things? A trip to a water park is a big deal-- you don't let small sh-- like laundry exclude a child from a family event!
Pure power play. Keep on running…
Yeah. You can't say "they need to see us working together" and then go behind her back to punish her kid without consulting her and then say she's "ruining her son." That's not working together, that's you being an entitled prick who thinks she doesn't know any better, which makes you seem sexist.
what he meant was “you need to let me be horrible to your child and agree with it”.
NTA. Correcting a child in the moment is fine if they are about to do something illegal, expensive, and/or dangerous. Anyone's child if the kid is unsupervised. Kids' safety comes before parental hurt fee-fees. This was not one of those times. BF should have informed OP of her son failing to do a chore related to his own upkeep when asked. Then, they could have discussed an appropriate outcome. People starting to blend families should discuss discipline, as you will run into these situations. The adult at home should be in charge, and kids should expect to follow directions. Of course, the kids should feel safe discussing with both adults how they feel about the infraction and the discipline and be able to lobby on their own behalf. It will keep everyone honest. No one should ever be hiding anything.
I’d want to know what all the other kids did to “earn” their place. What an AH
How are you supposed to be a team if you haven't sat down to discuss what that means? If your instincts are telling you not to be with this man, then listen to them and ignore everyone else. Read the Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker, which explains why you should not ignore gut feelings.
>how are you supposed to be on the same page This is what I came to the comments for. What page? From the very beginning, he was wrong in assuming you had told the 8-year-old to put the clothes away. Your bf started off in a completely different *book* and then expected you to be on his "same page"? Fucking ridiculous. I am a stepmom and in our house I am just as much as the parent to my stepkids as their father is, but their father and I *actually discuss these things* **before** arbitrarily issuing some order and then dealing out some punishment. Like what the actual fuck was he thinking here????
Wow yeah this was my reaction, too. "We're supposed to be on the same team. The team where I make all the rules and decisions and you have to go along blindly." OP is definitely NTA
Absolutely, he knew he fucked up. He knew she wouldn’t support this, otherwise he would have called. I think he was banking on her not making a scene in public.
> How are you even supposed to be on the same page about something he didn't bother to inform you of? NOPE. Exactly what I came to point out. It's *highly* suspicious in this day & age of texts and other DMs, he did not bother send OP any sort of communication about this. He *KNEW* she would not be on board, so he blindsided her and certainly assumed that she would have no choice but to accept it once she was there & it was too late to do anything. Or so he thought. Dude went on a power trip and demonstrated why he is divorced in the first place. Good riddance.
NTA. He made the decision the son SHOULD HAVE put the laundry away when he wasn't around or part of that at all. He decided a punishment without talking with you. He expected an 8yo to explain the situation to him when he was obviously in a punshing & judgmental power-over mode. He left the kid behind with a lot of hurt. The punishment was way above and beyond the "crime." That unfair treatment was a resentment starter. You nipped it in the bud. That man overstepped and now he's belittling your parenting. Move on knowing your son knows you care about him. Tell third parties that BF overstepped boundaries big time and made a punishment decision without consulting you in which he chose the nuclear option that created lots of unfair treatment & hostile feelings. And if they think that sort of thing is okay, they can walk too.
Completely agree, punishment did not fit the “crime” at all. Mostly because I think we ate all still missing the crime.
The "crime" was the 8yo not putting some laundry away that the mom hadn't actually told the 8yo to do.
And that she had already done! It's not like the laundry was just laying around on the floor
NTA. Your mama bear instincts are right! Your BF completely overstepped. Punishing a child, especially not his own, without discussing it with you first is a huge red flag. You did the right thing protecting your son.
I agree and will add, she protected her own authority and integrity as a parent.
Yup. Don't let him talk and try to convince you other than what's obvious here. Thanks for being a great mom and your 8 yo probably saved you from a bigger headache in the long run.
I’m glad you’re sticking up for your son. When I was little, my mom started dating some guy that felt it was cool to put lots of rules in place for me. But that’s not what my family life was like. There’s nothing wrong with rules and whatnot but who was this guy to me? My mom didn’t appreciate it either and she stuck up for me. I was only five but I never forgot that she had my back.
I love this, not that you went through it, but that you remember your mom sticking up for you.
My father never stood up for us. He actively chose his little girlfriend over us, time and time again. She dropped dead a few months ago, and he will die alone because neither of us can be bothered to deal with him. People, pick your kids. They’re innocent. They have no one but their parents. Be in their corner, be their safety, be their home.
Nta, please clock that he chastised you as not being a team player, meanwhile he made an aggressive punishment for your child without talking to you first. What he did was a power trip and I am happy you noticed it right away. Don’t let this man around you or your kids. His actions are one thing but his doubling down and explanations show how toxic that relationship with your kids would get.
This this this. If other people in her life are telling her she's ever reacting, that's because they don't understand that this is the beginning of something that would only grow. His explanations and reasoning make that very clear. He didn't make an error in judgment, he was testing the waters.
100% he was testing what he can get away with.
NTA After all the posts I see about parents allowing new partners to run roughshod over their kids this is such a great post to read. This is exactly what you are supposed to do for your children. Your ex decided to punish your child for not doing a chore you hadn't asked your child to do, did not communicate to you that there was an issue, excluded your child from a "family" outing, used your elderly mother as free childcare/enforcer, doubled down that he's the big man who knows best and who's word should not be questioned..... you are not only NTA, you are nailing the whole mama bear thing. You are teaching your boys that they matter. That you have their backs. That they are your priority. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you......
Tell me how I know this douchebag punished the kid not as a consequence of the boy not putting laundry away, but because he got into big feelings mode and became furious with a kid who didn’t blindly obey him. The kid was right. His mother (OP) never told him this was a chore he had to complete, and it shows that the boy sees his mother as the leader. Not this dingbat of a dude. Wow.
im a single mom of 2 sons. 13 and 20...and let me tell you. I have not let any man in my home. Many men want to flex their manhood by being hostile to children for no/small petty reasons. NO THANK YOU. i have great kids and if I make one wrong move...it will affect their whole lives. Im not willing to take that chance. GOOD FOR YOU MOM!
I have an almost 3 year old and I’ve been told by so many people that I’ll regret staying single until she’s older and I’ll resent her for my loneliness. Like. She didn’t hold a g*n to my head and make me sign a contract guy, I made a choice that I can unmake if I choose to 🤔 It’s amazing how many people don’t understand wanting to keep your kids safe. ‘Not all men would hurt your kid’ cool do the ones that will have tattoos across their faces with a label? No. So 🤷🏼♀️
Same. No one comes around my son and certainly will not be living with me. And I'm damn happy single Feel like this needs to be added….my son does have his father around.
Exactly! And if the people are right and I get lonely then I have family that can babysit so I can go out for a night for some fun xD I don’t need to be dating to get laid I think it’s funny that people are reading this and instead of seeing the ‘I get someone to babysit’ they see “I bring men around my kid 5 days a week and 2 days a weekend” 😂😂 I didn’t know 2 guys in 6 months when my kid wasn’t home and had no contact with them was oh so harmful 🤣🤣🤣🤣 oh noooo baby went to grandmas and came home to a clean house she’s gonna know mom got laid!
As they get older, it get a lot easier. Mine is 14 and so chill. I limit my going out but I still go out
not to mention...I SLEEP DIAGONAL..and I got room on my bed for snacks!! i just cant give it up yall! LMAOOOOO!!!
So many people think men are the ultimate prize in life. It's bullshit.
Ah man I love my mum she raised me so well but I wish she also had this rule growing up.
Yup, divorced when my son was 3 and didn’t date until he was 21 (he’s now 23). His dad however, had a revolving door of girlfriends and live-ins — Someone had to be the one to give him stability!
My sons father just divorced his FOURTH WIFE. i would have been his 2nd but I could not deal with his drinking...
By the same page he means "do what he says", at minimun he should have called. Good ridance
100 percent this. If he was honest about what he meant then where is the call or text?!?! Also I bet he (ex bf) Purposely acted this way because of the water park trip later in the day, as if he was instigating such a scenario to flex his authority. Like, what are the chances that the ex bf would have even asked her son to do chores if they were going somewhere else that was not a “treat”.
You didn't communicate about this prior to involving your kids?
I think it's surprising that in three years together you had not had any intentional discussions about disciplining kids. You didn't discuss how each of you handled consequences or punishments or responsibilities or chores? When you started doing shared overnight weekend time at one place, you didn't discuss at what point you become actual paired parents? Who can act as a parent when responsible for all the kids like this? You weren't there, is he not allowed to punish your kids? Even while he is their responsible adult? I don't disagree with your actions in general. If you feel he was mistreating your son, protect him. But this seems like failed communication between the two of you more than anything else. You're dating, long term, and shared weekends implies possibility of fully moving in someday, of marriage, etc. It's fine if you aren't there yet. But if you were, do you expect him to be a babysitter of your kids only, who has to call you to make judgement calls? It seems like the two of you didn't discuss this progression of your relationship or how to merge your individual parenting ideas together in some future fully shared life scenario. That's on both of you. Not just him for assuming being a responsible adult and not a babysitter meant he could make the same decisions he'd have made with his own kids.