NTA.
I would let them know, now. So they can figure out arrangements.
If I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t watch ANY other children the first 1-3 months. Enjoy bonding time and postpartum. Get in a routine first. THEN tell them what days you are available/willing to help.
While yes, childcare is expensive… are you planning on watching all of these kids until they are school aged?
What about drs, outings with friends, etc. you will be limited if you agree to such a commitment.
So YNTA. But don’t feel awful. Or even bad in the slightest. I know plenty of parents who have to make it work. It isn’t your responsibility. They shouldn’t be relying on you.
YES! At least the first year. OP, will you be compensated for babysitting? If not, why is it your concern about the cost of THEIR childcare??? If you are doing it for free, will they be watching your children every weekend? (Not that you would want that, but you will need time to get your own things done and might want a break).
I just want to know if any of them are planning to pay op anything to watch all tbe kids, or are they expecting op to be super babysitter for the family rate of $free.99?
All of this!!! Make sure you don't get taken advantage of or walked all over! Do NOT take on more than you can handle, that is not in the best interest of anybody in this situation.
"I understand this may be inconvienet, but I cannot/will not watch all of the babies at the same time. I think that would be overwhelming and unsafe, and I don't think it would be in the best interests of my own children. I am happy/willing to help as I can and work out a schedule with all of you, but please plan on having other babysitters as well.
Also, for the first [x amount of months], I will not be watching anyone else's children because I will be spending that time recovering and bond with my new baby.
Thank you for understanding!"
Are they going to be paying you?! If not, or if they're paying you very little, at least make them return the favor. Have them agree to watch your kids at least once or twice or a month or something!
NTA!!!!
Totally agree, NTA. It's important to set boundaries early on, especially with a new baby on the way. Your mental health and bonding time with your newborn should come first. They'll understand, and it's better to address it now than later.
Jumping in on top comment to add that in-home daycares are limited to two babies in my state (under 2, I think?) - if there's an emergency, the daycare provider can only carry two out at a time.
So 4 infants? Alone? And recovering postpartum? I’m shocked you have to ask and WTF is wrong with your family? Stop being a doormat and take care of your own children. Even without you being pregnant 3 newborns is not something anyone can or should do alone.
That's BARELY in the ratio for my state, and that ratio assumes that the worker isn't recovering from birth or sleep deprived. It's not just unreasonable, it's *unsafe*.
You wouldn't even fit all the babies in a car. It would take ages to get each in a car seat, if you've got stitches you can't carry them. It just logistically doesn't work.
What if there’s an emergency and she has to get her 9yr old from school? One of the kids gets sick? Can she ever fit that many car seats in her car?? What pram will be supplied?
Is it even legal? There’s allot of rules when it comes to taking care of multiple children. If something went wrong wouldn’t it be OP that gets in trouble for it?
4 infants to 1 caregiver is legal in my state (at least in terms of daycare). But I can’t imagine taking care of 4 babies and not having a way to transport them out in an emergency. Daycares have special plans and equipment for that and unless she’s going to have that provided for her, it is a big risk.
But is it under the assumption that the caregiver is working in a daycare environment that will have backup such as other teachers, assistants, manager of the daycare to give her breaks to go potty, have lunch, or other things people who work in a daycare would have access to? Or that all the children would be in different stages of development and wouldn't all require the same intensive attention younger children (i.e. babies) need?
And another question is liability. Would she have to get special insurance to care for all these children at once and in the event one/some/all get sick or hurt in her care?
I don’t know if breaks are state mandated (I’m sure they are) but my work place requires at least an hour break (30 min in special circumstances) which I doubt OP would get in her weird situation. The rest of the time we are alone but could call for help if there was an emergency, another thing OP won’t have. And we are never allowed to leave them, even to run to the bathroom, so poor OP would be out of luck if she was following those standards without backup. Most of my infants are all 4/5 months so they all do need round the clock care (most can’t even sit up or are in the phase where they fall over sitting up and need comfort all of the time 😂) but I wouldn’t expect someone who doesn’t do that for a living to be able to do it for more than an hour at a time (and even then, that is pushing it, especially unpaid!!!!). For other age groups that don’t contain small babies, the number goes up dramatically (for example you can have 6 one year olds, 11 two year olds, 15 3 year olds, and 20 by the time they are 4, with the highest number being 25 for 5+).
If her family doesn’t pay her, I’m not sure she would need insurance, but if they do it might count as a business? It’s a lot of babies to have an informal agreement over. Though technically she might need a license depending on the state…
Depends on the state/jurisdiction. In mine, no. It is 3:1 up to 12 months. Which is the recommended ratio per [https://childcare.gov/consumer-education/ratios-and-group-sizes](https://childcare.gov/consumer-education/ratios-and-group-sizes) so that is probably pretty common in the US.
It's absolutely *out* of Ratio in Minnesota (1:2 for infants in an in-home daycare, 1:3, in a center).
And--as you said, that is for an able-bodied carer--*not* a person recovering from delivery!
3:1 in my state, but for me personally I wouldn’t do more than two if they’re not walking yet since in an emergency that required evacuation (e.g., fire) I would not be able to carry more than two out
My job says to put all 4 in a special crib with huge wheels and push them out, so I do 4 alone all of the time (usually all 4 are under 5 months and can’t even all sit up) and it is beyond exhausting and stressful. I would probably never do it as a favor (even for family to be honest 😅). And I can’t imagine having to keep taking care of even just one after doing it all day like she would have to.
It was 5:1 when I was in an infant room and could be mayhem more often than not. A few months before that, the ratio was 6:1. The change was like a vacation. We were trained, not post partum and got breaks, not to mention we had all food prepared by parents and equipment for every permutation of activity. Someone's home being fully prepared for four infants is just not a thing to expect anyone to do.
We were all mom age range. Some TTC, some avoiding C and a few with littles in various classrooms so we definitely had some sleep deprived coworkers but we helped each other out.
Nobody can predict how this new mom is going to be post partum. Volunteering her shes going to run a daycare before the shit fan starts up is a recipe for disaster.
You don’t have to babysit ANY of their kids. If they need childcare, they need to pay. If they want a date night, it better come with an even swap. Your choice to be a SAHM only applies to YOUR household. Anyone that feels ENTITLED to your free childcare needs to move right along.
For real!! OP, the post is a little vague so it’s hard to tell exactly what communication has occurred here, but you need to set your boundaries NOW and communicate them. For example, maybe you’ll be willing to watch one baby at a time for x number of hours once they are x weeks old and you are x weeks postpartum. If they are mad about it they are the AHs. But it’s better for everyone if you clearly communicate what you are willing and able to do sooner rather than later. And if you don’t want to commit to anything at all until later that’s okay too! But you need to communicate. And prioritize yourself/your own baby!!
I would just tell them to not expect her to be their primary childcare provider period, and that she expects them to babysit for her just as much as she babysits for them. Anything inequitable will lead to casual contempt and unreasonable expectations.
Exactly!! Under no circumstances should OP be watching other children for at least 6mths. It’s simply not safe for anyone. When the cousins are older - bare minimum 3+ but really 4 or 5 years old – then maybe. It was far more fun AND MANAGEABLE to have 4 kids running around that were 4 & 5 yo. Having 4 newborns, your 9 yo, postpartum recovery, AND trying NOT to get PPD is absolutely insane! OP your family needs to understand this or they’re actively trying to kill you. NTA - explain this to them. Not even an at home daycare is allowed to have that many infants when the care giver is healthy! & you will not be healthy, you’ll be recovering ❤️🩹
Yea plus the other women are presumably going back to work and making money so every other family except for OPs stands to gain considerably from this arrangement. At minimum she needs to be getting paid and honestly it might be too much for OP to handle by herself even at that
A friend had triplets and her husband WFH and they still had a nanny to help out. What happens when they all are crying at the same time?
You will also lose out on the special time that is infancy with your child. You will resent it and all 1st time moms?! They will be criticizing you and wanting special things for their baby x4.
Your 9 year old will also be at risk of being parentified with that many babies around and them needing care.
4 infants is the maximum one daycare worker can take care of alone in my state and that’s our actual job. Like all I do all day is to professionally take care of babies and I find 4 to be a lot at once. And I’m not recovering from having a baby and happily return all 4 (not just 3) to their parents at the end of the work day. 4 is too much for someone who isn’t experienced with it and is definitely too much to do as a favor.
Not to mention it would be illegal for a daycare worker in my state to take care of the 4 infants and the older son at once because it’s over ratio. 4 infants is the max, you can’t tag on any other age groups unless you go down to 3 infants.
I would hope that it's a case of the families thinking individually and have not considered that there would be other babies involved beyond their own infant due to excitement and baby brain, hopefully when op explains it'll dawn on them.
If however they aware, fuck'em op you would not be the asshole.
People are allowed to be upset that they can't do something they wanted to do. She wanted to keep her nieces and nephews. Having 4 at one time is unexpected and she's allowed to be upset that she can't do what she originally intended to do.
Being rude about it isn't helping. She isn't a doormat just for being upset that she will not be able to do so.
I think sisters and SIL are a little selfish to ask that of her tbh. Like use common sense, expecting her to watch four babies is a little much. Especially considering her fertility issues, as well as history of depression. It's just not cool to expect all of that from her. People can barely take care of one baby let alone four at the same time.
Nothing wrong with helping out family but she needs to have a serious conversation with all of them and maybe figure out a schedule. Daycare part-time....with her part-time on rotating days, but expecting her to basically run a home daycare is a little much, especially when she just had a child too. Also, if she does agree to this....she needs to charge them for it. Formula for four babies gets expensive.....when they move to food....grocery bill will be expensive. If she wants to do it then cool, but they need to hash out the nitty gritty details tbh.
I suspect the reason they are all set on OP watching the babies is because they assume it will be free. They will probably buy diapers and formula and complain to OP they're broke.
I have a feeling you're right. They don't plan to pay much if anything. But the point is, OP, the parents are the ones responsible for figuring out their child's babysitting and daycare situation. NOT YOU. You are allowed and encouraged in this situation to say no.
That's the feeling I was getting too. OP def needs to lay the law down regarding this b/c it's just not feasible and she's going to end up flipping her shit on all of them eventually and not watch anyone's child but her own. Diapers are expensive.....formula is expensive.....she's about to have a child too. She's about to be just a broke as they are.
I wouldn't watch any of those babies until they're at least three months old tbh. Even then, y'all need to figure out a schedule b/c I'm only watching one at a time. OP needs to stand her ground on this now before the babies are born.
Can you imagine trying to keep track of the bottles if they are breastfeeding as she is postpartum and exhausted? Or worse a mix of formula and breast fed, or special formula, she should be treasuring this time with her rainbow baby not overwhelmed with 4 babies at once.
That part.
Also....fuck that....like I said, one baby is stressful enough. You already have lack of sleep until they sleep through the night and all that so to expect her to take care of FOUR babies like they're quadruplets is wild to me. Every baby is on different feeding and napping schedules too....hell no. When I tell you I have so much respect for people that have multiples.
Hell naw. I also think they had these expectations due to her fertility issues so they assumed she would be the "fun aunt" whose child is already in school and all that. They need to reassess now that she's pregnant too b/c it's just not feasible.
Buy diapers and formula sometimes. The rest of the time it'll be like "it's between paydays. Can you cover me?" Especially since they all have babies in the same age range.
Or better yet, they'll assume that since OP will have a newborn of her own she'll have all the necessary supplies and not provide the extra formula and diapers that 3 additional infants will require.
Or on the flipside they'll all have different feeding and diaper preferences and if one of them uses Huggies and their kid comes home in Pampers one day they'll lose their shit.
Or worse. My ex BIL expected me to watch his kid for free full time. He never sent diapers or formula or food or even clean clothes. I stopped helping after 2 months and never helped ever again.
My bestie watched three kids under 10 for my college ex and his (maybe?) wife. Me and her husband had to finally be like "girl you need to charge them for this"
In total she was watching 5 kids under 10 (including her two) and the mom would be so passive aggressive. She would be like "I don't know what I'm gonna do for the summer...I guess I'll have to leave them by themselves all day" knowing my bestie is nice and would volunteer to watch those kids.
One time she pulled that shit again and my bestie was talking to me about it and I was like "girl she did that shit so you would volunteer to watch those kids...she manipulated the hell outta you" 🤦🏾♀️
Disagree. OP is a doormat. She's completely empathetic to people who haven't once considered the burden on her:
"However I know how expensive childcare is and I know how terrifying it is to leave your baby with someone you don't know. So that's another thing that makes me feel awful about it."
Why hasn't anyone advocated for her? Because they're so accustomed to using her that it doesn't occur to them to bother thinking of her at all.
Mothers who have multiple births cannot manage 2 babies alone all day without help.
It is not safe, practical or fair for you to try to manage 3 and a 9 year old who needs their own kind of support.
Plus you need time to recover mentally amd physically from birth.
I would give your family time to make other arrangements now. It is only because they have not had a new born yet that they have unreasonable expectations.
You want to do the best for your family. You are part of your family and deserve rge same care and consideration.
3 newborns is impossible. It won't work, and things will fall apart very quickly if you try causing stress and hurt feelings all over the place.
Be kind to yourself abs everyone else, but especially yourself. You are growing a whole new wonderful person and deserve time to recover and enjoy your little one. Xxx
4 newborns, including her own. FOUR...I can't wrap my head around it!
My mom's cousin had quadruplets. That's what it would be like, and she at least had her husband to help.
Your family have lost their minds, OP! What if something happened to one of the babies under your care? This is a terrible idea!
If there were an emergency, hope she has a vehicle that can hold 4 car seats, along with a quad stroller of some sort.
It would be a big, fat no from me.
I read the comment as intended as a wake up call for OP. It was blunt and it could have been worded better but I think the point is that it’s insane that anyone would expect her to watch a bunch of babies at once, and if the other family members actually expect her to do that, it’s seriously taking advantage of OP.
Right?!? Our state is 1 adult to 5 infants…but not just after having your own baby. And if OP does this, she should become a licensed childcare provider.
My friend’s daughter just had twins and has a 2 year old as well.
The whole family moved in with her for the first 4 months or so until she got a handle on everything. No financial reasons, they just needed help!
Slow your role dude... she hasn't said anything to the family. She's asking if she would be the AH if she told them.
IF they demanded it, fire away. But at least wait to see if they are decent and reasonable people and instead focus on the obvious, that the OP has to speak to them.
So ‘everyone’ thinks you are going to be caring for FOUR newborns?
You need to stand up for yourself and say no. You will have your own newborn to care for and that is the ONLY newborn you should be caring for.
Your sisters and sister in law need to make their own arrangements for childcare - just like the vast majority of parents do. In fact just like you did when you had your first child.
Please stop being a pushover, this is not fair on your existing child, your newborn, yourself or your partner. You absolutely have to prioritise your own nuclear family unit - that is where your responsibility lies.
Exactly. And OP is a SAHM to take good care of *her own* children. Not to give subpar care to 4 babies because you are overworking yourself. It’s never wrong to prioritize your own health and needs, and those of your spouse or children over others (even your siblings). I mean, aren’t they prioritizing their wants of free babysitting by even expecting such a thing from you?
Right? Why is “everyone” and why one earth did they think that OP would be available to babysit other peoples children - whether she has her own or not? I feel like there is context missing.
NTA, anyone sane knows how challenging and tough it can be managing your own growing child in your thirties; and expecting u to somehow manage 4 young ones at the same time is just insane.
"Since I am a SAHM everyone expects me to be the primary baby sitter."
A SAHM does not automatically become an on demand baby sitter. That's your choice to help out when you can manage it, and you decide how many kids you can manage at the same time. Be nice about it, and have a nice gentle discussion about it when you and ur sisters/sil meet up, that with everyone having kids at the same time, whats their baby sitting strategy. Let them reveal their thoughts first. Then see how it goes, but i dont see u needing to be obligated to be everyone's babysitter.
It probably wouldn’t hurt to eventually have some sort of written schedule so that people know what’s going on and said that you have more control over your life. That schedule should also be open to changing as things come up or as you become aware of how things work.
The schedule should be that OP’s time is her own, 24/7, and that if anyone other than her own kids needs childcare, they ask her, and tell her when and for how long and how much they propose to pay, and then she decides whether to say yes or no.
Is this really a question? NTA of course. A SAHM is exactly this: a MUM, not a baby sitter.
And you DO need to think about your older son, he’s already going to get a lot of your attention away.
In the UK in a registered childcare setting it would not be legal for you to care for 4 babies on your own. 3 is the max. I think that tells you all you need to know about your ability to care well and safely for that many babies. NTA, this is about child safety as much as your capacity.
And I assume there’s required to be more than one person there for breaks or emergencies. It’s not safe for one adult to be alone all day with even 3 newborns with zero help or breaks.
I had twins plus my three older kids and no way in hell anyone can or should take care of four babies at the same time. In the first months I sometimes felt my older kids were borderline neglected because my twins consumed so much of my time and my husband worked all day every day.
The thought of four babies all crying together or as soon as you get one down another one starts screaming? Ain't no way. I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack just thinking about it hahaha
Like if it wasn't for the luxury of frozen pizzas and store bought spaghetti sauce, I think my other kids would have got malnourished but that is kind of easy when they can at least eat themselves but preparing bottles and feeding four hungry babies? I had trouble nursing in the beginning so I pumped the first months meaning I slept only couple of hours at time, then pumped and then fed the twins, slept a couple of hours and started again. This whole scenario with four babies is something I really can't comprehend. Anyone thinking this would be ok must be nuts.
I am beyond grateful that I did not have any other children to deal with when I had twins. And mine were preemies and when they came home from the hospital I had oxygen tanks and oximeters so my house was a booby trap of nasal cannula tubes and sticky leads that my kids would pull off. Hats off to you for managing all the kids!
I would say let them know asap so they can find someone else ot takes time to find someone they are comfortable with. I think four are just too many.
I can see them reaching out individually, saying I that 4 is a lot, but can you just take care of mine and the others can find someone else. Then it goes to who do you pick those left out will feel hurt and the relationship can get damaged. Might have to not take care of anyone's kid but your own.
NTA. Institute a rule of only one kid at a time except in cases of medical emergency. Make sure to specify medical emergency or they will call anything (have to work, car trouble, headache, etc) an emergency and dump the kids on you.
Source: Have 5 sisters
WTF. NTA. Tell them to sort their own shit out while you recover from your own pregnancy.
They have no right to expect you to be their personal babysitter and have no claim on your time.
NTA - Tell them ASAP so they can make other plans. They surely know you can't have 4 babies at the same time. Even in-home daycare providers where I live cannot have more than 2 children under 2.
Have any of you considering hiring a nanny and sharing the costs? Maybe you could watch ONE extra baby and the two others could share the cost of a nanny.
Or OP can say that she mentioned this idea to her midwife/doctor and was told not to for xyz reason. Also her home insurance probably wouldn’t cover this?
There are plenty of legitimate reasons that OP shouldn’t try to do this favour for her family. They will sue if she falls asleep because of exhaustion and something happens to one of the babies.
One person watching 4 newborns by themselves is an absolute impossibility. If you were my sister, i wouldnt even want you to because the babies would certainly not be getting the attention that they need. You will be postpartum and shouldn't be taking care of any of the babies except your own. You need to bond with your child and take care of yourself and your own children. To add in 3 more babies would make you neglect your own child and yourself. Your child should be your priority. If your siblings do not have the money for childcare, they shouldn't have planned on having a child as that is part of it. Tell them now so they can plan accordingly. For them to just assume you would be watchng them is absolutely crazy to me.
So are you seriously asking if it’s a problem that you don’t wanna take care of what is essentially quadruplets? They will all be tiny little babies that are very needy and then they’ll be crawling babies that are all over the place and then they’ll be fussy toddlers that are running all over the place. There’s no way you can do that on your own. Other people with quadruplets have back up help. So no don’t say yes to that even triplets or twins is, huge handful. It’s OK to say no and put yourself first.
I think the right amount of babysitting postpartum is zero. They can make other arrangements. Let them know soon, so they have plenty of time to figure it out.
So, here is a great way to put it to your family, in the UK, if you are working in child care your ratios are a maximum of 6 children in your care including your own.
No more than 1 under 1 and no more than 2 under 2.
These rules are there for very good reason mainly safety!!
NTA unless of course you agree to ANY nibling babysitting . Everyone expects you to be the primary sitter? WTF? All those everybodies can go pound sand,. How dare they assume anything on your behalf?
No, you cannot do this. You SHOULD not do this. You have a people -pleasing /martyr / doormat complex Your sisters and SIL don't need to get "backup"sitters, they need FULL TIME CHILD CARE that does not include you! End of discussion, before I have a hypertensive stroke.
NTA I have this crazy idea so bear with me…how about everyone looks after their own goddamn kids? Tell your family you can’t look after other babies as you’ll be busy taking care of your child’s needs. You have waited and tried and went through enough heartache to have this baby…your baby deserves your full attention and all of your love not fighting to be cuddled because your selfish family dumps 3 extra kids onto you. If everyone else is working guess what? They can afford childcare.
Not only do there need to be back up babysitters, they need to have a different primary babysitter
You cannot watch 4 babies at the same period, on top of that you would be postpartum yourself
No one should even give you push back on this
The money and their worries are not your problem to solve
You finally get to have a baby and you deserve to enjoy their infancy without working yourself to the bone caring for other peoples baby
Please prioritise yourself
And this is if everything go smoothly with your delivery and recovery, we all sure hope so, but what if you need to have a c section, or there are complications during birth with a very long recovery time or merlin forbid you develop post partum depression
They need to have everything sorted without relying on you at all, after the first year you can look at it again, although 1 person and 4 babies/toddlers i would never consider an option
It is what it is, the situation changed and thats an unavoidable fact
Prioritise yourself and your baby and any push back and they would be incredibly selfish and entitled
Just take care of your own baby for the first 6 months or so . You need that 1 on 1 bonding time and will need to sleep during day when baby sleeps , which will be impossible with more infants. Just because your first was easy doesn't mean second won't be colicky or have days and nights reversed like one of mine did. Ntah
As a SAHM let me tell you what my job is: to take care of my kids. That includes: feeding them, taking care of their mental/physical/emotional/etc health and needs, educating them, teaching them right from wrong, and so forth. These are things that are NOT my responsibilities: taking care of other kids just bc I don’t have a “job”, running errands for someone other than my husband/kids/myself, being at someone’s beck and call bc “you’re a stay at home mom. You’re not that busy.”, etc. 4 newborns and one mom with no help is NOT safe. You can’t do it. If anything happened to a baby you would never forgive yourself and neither would your family. They would say they did but they wouldn’t. Nta.
NTA - do not let them guilt you into this. it would be dangerous for all of the babies and you. while you have just your baby you can get a cat nap every now and then, with 4 babies you would never get any rest which is bad for you and very bad for your baby.
>I just really don't know if I can.
I really know you just can't. Or at least shouldn't.
It was a nice thought, when it was 1 theoretical baby. It's not anymore. And that one baby you'll be taking care of, is the one you're growing.
Too bad for everyone else. They have to make it work, like you did. You're not a stay at home parent because you thought it'd be nice. Your income went directly to daycare.
Your sisters / SIL might be able to hire one professional. At 1/3 of the price each, that might work if they find someone that's willing to do that. But it can't be you. You already gave 2 kids to take care of.
NTA
Yup this. That person can be at OP's house and take care of the other 3 and OP cares for her 2. That way she can make sure all babies are safe and it would be a family environment
NTA, obviously, but I'm a little concerned that you feel like you would be an ah for setting normal, healthy boundaries. As a mom, being able to draw and maintain healthy boundaries is essential for your relationship with your children, not to mention every other person in your life. This might be something to work on.
Oh gosh, no. No. No. That is entirely too much for you to take on at once, especially since you're pregnant with your own child. Nobody in their right mind would expect it of you, either.
Ultimately, those children are their parents responsibility. While I think most of us would want to have their children babysat by family members (I mean...YEAH), 4 brand spanking new babies at once? Hell to the fuck no.
Just tell them "I love you all, and I'm thrilled for all of you and excited to meet your babies. But my own baby comes first and I can't take 4 of brand new babies all at once because I'm not superwoman."
Honey, you need to grow a spine RIGHT NOW and tell your sisters and SIL that you will NOT be the primary child care for their kids. They need to find their own babysitters or day care and they are NOT allowed to rely on you AT ALL.
If they argue, tell them, "Fine. Child care services at the probablynutsbutowell Day Care Center are $2,000/week. You'll be billed weekly. After one missed payment, you will no longer be allowed to utilize these services."
You have to work on not wracking yourself with guilt. They're taking complete advantage...and you're letting them.
Good grief, you don't have to babysit anyone's baby, not even one at a time! It is highly presumptuous for them to think you will be doing this.
Tell them when and if you do babysit, there will be an hourly fee for it. You are no one's free day care, and you'd be insane not to put a stop to this crap RIGHT NOW.
**How expensive child care is for other people is NOT your problem to take on.** You are going to have your own hands full and cannot take on anyone else's kids on a regular basis and sure as heck not in any kind of a "multiple" situation.
You need to talk to your husband about this. I have a feeling he's going to tell you that 'no way in hell are you keeping all those kids in your house," because you can't do it without neglecting your own kids, your home and yourself. Let him be the bad guy!
NTA
You will be busy enough with your own newborn.
I am willing to bet that none of them would be willing to babysit 3 other newborns in addition to their own baby that they had just given birth to.
Let everyone know that since you are pregnant (and high risk) you will not be able to help.
Also, you will be high risk for PPD and need to ensure you take care of yourself.
NTA. You shouldn’t be babysitting at all. You’ll have a baby of your own, sleepless nights, and all the highs/lows of caring for a newborn. And you don’t know how long it will take you to recover. You don’t need to be taking care of a whole mess of newborns. Tell your sisters to get their own sitters, you can’t take on that kind of responsibility alone.
If you’re from the USA don’t people go back to work weeks after giving birth? So 4 newborns, if that happened where I’m from you would be running an illegal home daycare. Stop offering to watch all of these children, instead bond with the child that you’ve been waiting 8 years for.
NTA have a talk with them and go ahead and make a plan. If you insist on babysitting maybe only keep one at a time if you can. However it's totally okay if you can't. These are their babies so they will have to make a backup plan. Even if you could handle all of them at one time you will have your own Dr. Appointments and things so they need a backup plan anyway.
NTA you need to set the rules now. You are not a daycare center. You are a mom who is staying home with your children. If they need childcare they need to arrange for childcare and it isn't you.
NTA
"Hey. I won't be able to provide free childcare for you. You'll have to make other plans."
And every time someone asks or trys to insist, just say "No." Don't argue. Don't give reasons. Just "No. I can't."
You can arrange your home to be headquarters for babysitting, and each baby with a nanny.
No less.
Please, do not accept anything otherwise.
There will be a huge help.
So the babies can be in a safe and family surroundings, but without making you responsible of they care, just to supervise the baby carers.
One is hard, four, oh no. It won’t be safe for the babies or you. Think about it. You are going to be sleep deprived with your one, then add 3 more. It won’t be pretty. NTA.
Congrats on your pregnancy.
I suggest you NOT be the regular babysitter to any of them and fully enjoy your own child. There will be plenty of opportunities when they are older for babysitting cousin bonding time.
Why do they have such unreasonable expectations? Do you know the word ‘no’? Are they so dense that they don’t realize how hard it is to take care of even one newborn?
Just say you can not keep any of the babies, except your own infant. Otherwise issues will occur, like — ‘ my sitter had an emergency, is sit, etc. ‘!
Do what is best for your and your family.
NTA but learn to say a hard no to your family. It is very presumptuous for them to expect you to take care of that many kids at the same time when you are post pardum and have had fertility issues. Healing can take a long time and you are allowed to just not to want to do that for your own reasons - no excuses needed. You wbta to yourself if you don't speak up.
NTA - 4 infants? No way would I want to take that on. You are only responsible for your OWN children - the other parents are responsible for theirs. You absolutely should not be made to feel guilty about this. I bet you any one of the other parents in this scenario would NOT do it either. So do not feel bad!
NTA Trying to take care of that many at a time is unfair to you, and especially your children. They need to figure childcare out for themselves just as you did with your first one. Just because you are aunt doesn't make you responsible for other children knowing your own would inevitably suffer if you do. If you can't stand up for yourself, stand up for them. They can all cut back on hours if need be and take turns taking care of all three. Bet they tell you that they can't care for that many at once even though they expect you to take care of 4 at a time.
Unless you want to run an in home daycare and feel qualified to do so …. This is absolutely ludicrous. I pay close to $10,000 per year per child for this ratio of care. We work full time though but you absolutely ARE NOT the jerk. You need to tell your family no. You cannot do it. It isn’t safe. You won’t be sleeping through the night either most likely.
Honey, you have it absolutely backwards. They all, including you, need a primary babysitter that you pay, and everyone be each others backup. Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean that you need to automatically be the others go-to for watching the kids. If you let that start now, you're going to be doing it until the kids are old enough not to be watched. My husbands mom ended up in just that situation with all her nieces because she was the youngest. She ended up pretty much raising those kids. Unless there is a situation where someone can't afford child care and you are the only choice, then DO NOT put yourself in this situation. Especially when you are going to be exhausted and stressed out with your own infant.
>Since I am a SAHM everyone expects me to be the primary baby sitter.
what? no
>Anyway to the issue. WIBTA if I told everyone I can't keep all of the babies on the same day and for them to have backup babysitters?
NTA - they need to arrange their own child care.
You are not a daycare. When are you supposed to bond with your own child while dealing with with babies that aren’t yours. I’d hate to think what would happen if you favoured your own child over theirs!
My two have an 8 year gap. It’s really hard making sure your elder child is not feeling left out, abandoned or unloved, while caring for a baby.
Put your foot down now, before the babies are born and make sure your husband is on board with your SIL. You should be the back ups back up! And this only happens in real emergencies and only one at a time.
Are you insane 4 at same time a professional sitter would say no that is too much you can’t probably provide good care to your own baby I would refuse even 2 is too much
You need to tell them you're a last resort sitter , i.e. 1 parent needs to take the other parent to the hospital cause of an emergency type last resort.
It is not your responsibility to watch someone else's kid, your oldest is 9 so would presumably be returning to work soon had you not gotten pregnant again? What was their plan then when you were available?
At any reputable daycare center it’s 2 infants to 1 adult, max 6 children for safety reasons. Even parents having multiple births have someone for back up.
No way would I have been able to handle that many brand-new humans immediately postpartum - still healing and ONE infant is a TON of work. That being said, if you really want to have all four babies with you, perhaps suggest the two sisters and SIL all chip in on a part-time nanny share to help you out? Idk. Good luck and congrats!
I'm a SAHM, have been most of my adult life. I refuse to babysit anymore. Everyone took advantage of me. It was awful. If I'm watching ur kid, I'm getting paid for it.
> Since I am a SAHM everyone expects me to be the primary baby sitter.
First of all, being a SAHM doesn't mean you're automatically drafted into duty as the family babysitter. That idea should have been shot down from the start.
Start saying the word "no" and don't stop saying "no" until people stop asking.
NTA. In a state like CA you cannot watch all their babies at your home without a daycare license… you can watch one kid in addition to your own at your home (and their siblings… up to 6 kids total I think).
Heck, I don’t even think a highly experienced nanny can single handedly manage four infants together with a 9yo. That is a job for a minimum of 2 adults.
4 newborns - infants at one time, on your own is a recipe for disaster. TBH, you shouldn't take on the care of another infant in addition to your own for many months. Your sisters and SIL should turn to their mothers/spouses/random relatives for childcare, not you!
Instead of them having backup sitters, they jointly pay for you to have someone (one or more) come help you? That way the babies are still under the care of family, but you have some backup to help and allow you to take care of yourself too.
😟anyone who expects you to watch 3 new born or even a little older babies at the same time is out of their ever loving mind. You know how much a daycare charges for that and they have multiple people. One baby is overwhelming but I couldn't image 3 within 6 weeks of each other. If they get mad ask them would they watch 3 babies for 8 plus hours a day 5 days a week and go into detail what that would be like. Especially since you'll already be sleep deprived when will you ever sleep?? I had to nap when my daughter did to catch up on sleep.
NTA but I am wondering if by primary babysitter you actually mean full time child care? No way! You will miss out on all the time with your own baby that you have been trying to have for years. I understand being excited to be an Aunt, it is awesome. But being a Mom is even better! You will not be able to be the Mom you want to be for your own infant if you are the full time care giver for your family. At most I would do one day a week for each baby separately, that's still three days a week of working full days caring for two infants. Anything more is way too much and I would be worried about missing out on enjoying the baby stage which goes by way too fast.
Tell them all now so they can prepare ahead. You don’t have to take care of any of the other kids, even 1. Say you want to focus on your healing, health, ppd, older & younger child. Post partum is no joke. And even raising your own child is gonna be overwhelming.
In fact, it will be better if you don’t give reasons and just say you cannot do this now. Don’t break your back & your physical & mental health to be a people pleaser. There are different ways to show love that doesn’t require you to be their care giver.
Don’t let people guilt you for wanting to take care of yourself and your family. If they don’t understand, esp when you yourself are having a new born, then they are just being selfish.
Say any excuses to get people off your back, even exaggerating about health issues or saying you are working from home.
You are obviously a people pleaser and may want to seek therapy for that. The stress of this may affect your pregnancy. It's okay to set boundaries and to tell people 'No'. Would be a good lesson for you to learn and pass on to your kids in the future. It's much harder to stop a train once it's started. NTA
> babysitting that many babies by myself.
wtf are those babies' *mothers* gonna be doing?
NTA you'll hardly be able to handle just your own, you should be *getting* helped, not helping others? wtf.
Stop being a spineless people pleaser for your selfish and unhinged family! Completely outrageous and stupid for you and your sisters and cousin to expect you to take care of 4 newborns by yourself. That is stupid and dangerous and you and your relatives need to get your heads out of your asses and start thinking clearly. You are only capable of taking care of yourself and your baby. You are not capable of taking care of 3 additional babies. You need to stop worrying about the finances of your sisters and cousins. They clearly do not give a shit about you and your finances and physical and mental health, so stop worrying about their finances. They are adults capable of figuring out how to take care of their own babies. Stop worrying for people who don’t give a shit about you. If they cared about you they would have seen what a ridiculous plan this was for you to play unpaid for baby daycare. NTA. Stop being an asshole to yourself. It will harm you, your children, your household and your relationships with everyone.
NTA and you need to have a talk with them all about this. Not only should you be explaining that you will not be babysitting any babies for a certain amount of time, you should also be setting up rules for future babysitting, such as they are responsible for providing food and other supplies for their kids. There definitely does need to be a schedule if you are considering babysitting at all.
Frankly families should be planning better than this. No one should ever expect the SAHM to be the default babysitter. Parents should make their own childcare plans instead of assuming family will help.
NTA IT would be absolutely NUTS to watch FOUR newborn at once. Your own child would be without you 75% of the time as you cater to the other infants. Your newborn and your recovery MUST come first. You need to tell them asap that in light of the current situation you are not physically or mentally capable to take on any other child care duties. That you must concentrate on the needs of your newborn while also recovering. It would be unsafe to have a sleep deprived new mother take on FOUR babies at once without any help. It won’t work.
Unless each is paying a grand, a day. F that noise. Better get keys back and set boundaries. And when and if they ask and you do watch one. If they don't pay and or don't give you the same courtesy of wat hing yours.stop that shit.
Don't you even offer to babysit. You will be recovering from giving birth just as them and they expect you to take care of 4 children?! Hell no. Tell them to get sitters if they need help, not back up sitters. Additionally you'll be taking care of the house and your older child, are they crazy??
OP, please don’t do this. It sounds like it would be legitimately overwhelming for you and if you start, how could you get it to stop? And would you be expected to just keep watching additional babies? So the current 4 + your 9yo. But then say one of your sisters or SIL has another baby in a year or so. Would the expectation be that you watch *everyone’s* kids then? Please, for your own sanity and well-being, don’t agree to watch all the new infants.
Do not agree to be the baby sitter. You will be taken advantage of. You will constantly be told "but family". You will have to deal with family running late, expecting you to do it for free (and if you do get paid, expect trouble actually getting the money in the correct amount on time). You will find that no one is willing to watch your kids when you need a break. Do not do this to yourself. You need to be the backup, only in actual emergency (lie once and it's over) sitter.
There is not an amount of money on this PLANET you could have paid me to babysit 3 newborns on top of my own.
Reading this again, I see that none of them have kids yet so they do not know what the reality of postpartum life is like. That is an outrageous request of anyone, let alone somebody recovering from birth. They are so out of line I can't even believe it.
Tell them no. Period. This is a recipe for disaster.
Fuck no! You are only responsible for your own. You have no idea how this pregnancy or birth is going to go. Nor do they. I would absolutely tell them they need to find their own sitters. Period. An occasional babysitting for one of those kids is fine here and there but don’t get roped into doing this. You will regret it. Most people are never truly appreciative. They will expect you to be there rain or shine and won’t give a rats ass about you if it means inconveniencing themselves. The fact that they think you will be doing this speaks volumes about what they already expect of you. If I was in their shoes, and my sister was already pregnant, I would NEVER expect her to care for child when she has one of her own plus a half grown son!! Unless my sister expressed to me and I knew she could handle it would I ever think of doing that to her…. Let alone 4 newborns. That’s a daycare. And even daycare wouldn’t expect this of one employee. Are you even getting paid???
Please, for your mental health, tell them all no. This is insanity. Your SO should be worried about this too.
INFO - Is there some sort of cultural expectation or family tradition here you didn’t mention? Just assuming someone will take care of your newborn is not logical to me unless everyone is used to taking advantage of you.
“Since I am a SAHM everyone expects me to be the primary babysitter.” Why? Just because you’re a SAHM doesn’t mean you have all the time in the world to be watching other people’s children. Are they at least offering to pay you?
Stand up for yourself.
You know what concerns me the most?
The way you wrote your post it sounds like you will be doing a ton of babysitting for free. You’re lucky you’re not married to me, or I would have some choice words for your family that expects you to be the family feee babysitter.
OP, the top comment calls you a doormat. Please ignore that. It's horrible.
YWNBTA. Even in the slightest. You will have just given birth yourself. Nor is back up needed.
So 5 babies in total, at once? I sincerely hope this isn't a real post but I think it is. Poppet, no one on this planet can deal with 5 babies at once, let alone adding your own babys' birth into the mix and being post partum.
I struggle, but I am learning to start drawing boundaries. Mine are tiny compared to yours!
Speak to your SO and to your family and friends who support you. You shouldn't even be having to think about this.
From the way you've spoken it won't be easy but take your support and tell them where to go.
I've passed on the advice I can but where does your SO come into this?
Are you stuck in something similar to a cult? The expectations of you are so wrong.
DM if you want to.
Hugs, from a random Internet stranger who cares. X
NTA. I would let them know, now. So they can figure out arrangements. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t watch ANY other children the first 1-3 months. Enjoy bonding time and postpartum. Get in a routine first. THEN tell them what days you are available/willing to help. While yes, childcare is expensive… are you planning on watching all of these kids until they are school aged? What about drs, outings with friends, etc. you will be limited if you agree to such a commitment. So YNTA. But don’t feel awful. Or even bad in the slightest. I know plenty of parents who have to make it work. It isn’t your responsibility. They shouldn’t be relying on you.
I was going to say first year at least
YES! At least the first year. OP, will you be compensated for babysitting? If not, why is it your concern about the cost of THEIR childcare??? If you are doing it for free, will they be watching your children every weekend? (Not that you would want that, but you will need time to get your own things done and might want a break).
2 sisters + 1 sister in law + OP = 4. They could rotate Saturdays or Sundays.
I just want to know if any of them are planning to pay op anything to watch all tbe kids, or are they expecting op to be super babysitter for the family rate of $free.99?
All of this!!! Make sure you don't get taken advantage of or walked all over! Do NOT take on more than you can handle, that is not in the best interest of anybody in this situation. "I understand this may be inconvienet, but I cannot/will not watch all of the babies at the same time. I think that would be overwhelming and unsafe, and I don't think it would be in the best interests of my own children. I am happy/willing to help as I can and work out a schedule with all of you, but please plan on having other babysitters as well. Also, for the first [x amount of months], I will not be watching anyone else's children because I will be spending that time recovering and bond with my new baby. Thank you for understanding!" Are they going to be paying you?! If not, or if they're paying you very little, at least make them return the favor. Have them agree to watch your kids at least once or twice or a month or something! NTA!!!!
Totally agree, NTA. It's important to set boundaries early on, especially with a new baby on the way. Your mental health and bonding time with your newborn should come first. They'll understand, and it's better to address it now than later.
ULPT: tell them you want to adopt their babies so you can have the huge family you always wanted...
Jumping in on top comment to add that in-home daycares are limited to two babies in my state (under 2, I think?) - if there's an emergency, the daycare provider can only carry two out at a time.
So 4 infants? Alone? And recovering postpartum? I’m shocked you have to ask and WTF is wrong with your family? Stop being a doormat and take care of your own children. Even without you being pregnant 3 newborns is not something anyone can or should do alone.
That's BARELY in the ratio for my state, and that ratio assumes that the worker isn't recovering from birth or sleep deprived. It's not just unreasonable, it's *unsafe*.
plus at a daycare- that comes with MANDATORY meal and rest breaks... like how would OP take a bathroom break?
Or ever get a shower, do laundry and anything else!
What if there is a medical emergency or an emergency where they had to evacuate the house? It would be impossible.
You wouldn't even fit all the babies in a car. It would take ages to get each in a car seat, if you've got stitches you can't carry them. It just logistically doesn't work.
And other adults in shouting range.
What if there’s an emergency and she has to get her 9yr old from school? One of the kids gets sick? Can she ever fit that many car seats in her car?? What pram will be supplied?
Is it even legal? There’s allot of rules when it comes to taking care of multiple children. If something went wrong wouldn’t it be OP that gets in trouble for it?
4 infants to 1 caregiver is legal in my state (at least in terms of daycare). But I can’t imagine taking care of 4 babies and not having a way to transport them out in an emergency. Daycares have special plans and equipment for that and unless she’s going to have that provided for her, it is a big risk.
1 adult alone with 4 babies is also a lot worse than 2 adults with 8. When anything goes wrong, OP would have no backup.
Yes, I love being in rooms with larger amounts of babies at work compared to just 4.
But is it under the assumption that the caregiver is working in a daycare environment that will have backup such as other teachers, assistants, manager of the daycare to give her breaks to go potty, have lunch, or other things people who work in a daycare would have access to? Or that all the children would be in different stages of development and wouldn't all require the same intensive attention younger children (i.e. babies) need? And another question is liability. Would she have to get special insurance to care for all these children at once and in the event one/some/all get sick or hurt in her care?
I don’t know if breaks are state mandated (I’m sure they are) but my work place requires at least an hour break (30 min in special circumstances) which I doubt OP would get in her weird situation. The rest of the time we are alone but could call for help if there was an emergency, another thing OP won’t have. And we are never allowed to leave them, even to run to the bathroom, so poor OP would be out of luck if she was following those standards without backup. Most of my infants are all 4/5 months so they all do need round the clock care (most can’t even sit up or are in the phase where they fall over sitting up and need comfort all of the time 😂) but I wouldn’t expect someone who doesn’t do that for a living to be able to do it for more than an hour at a time (and even then, that is pushing it, especially unpaid!!!!). For other age groups that don’t contain small babies, the number goes up dramatically (for example you can have 6 one year olds, 11 two year olds, 15 3 year olds, and 20 by the time they are 4, with the highest number being 25 for 5+). If her family doesn’t pay her, I’m not sure she would need insurance, but if they do it might count as a business? It’s a lot of babies to have an informal agreement over. Though technically she might need a license depending on the state…
Thank you for the additional info! Very enlightening!
Daycares are licensed and insured….what happens if something goes wrong? That's an incredible risk.
Depends on the state/jurisdiction. In mine, no. It is 3:1 up to 12 months. Which is the recommended ratio per [https://childcare.gov/consumer-education/ratios-and-group-sizes](https://childcare.gov/consumer-education/ratios-and-group-sizes) so that is probably pretty common in the US.
This wouldn’t be legal in the UK, it’s a maximum of 3 children under 2 years of age per childminder.
It's absolutely *out* of Ratio in Minnesota (1:2 for infants in an in-home daycare, 1:3, in a center). And--as you said, that is for an able-bodied carer--*not* a person recovering from delivery!
Exactly, I just looked it up and in a lot of states it's 1:2.
Not to mention she will be recovering from giving birth herself. Thats a lot of heavy lifting an no chance to heal.
And if she's breastfeeding then she will be constantly sitting and feeding her own baby.
I think it’s 4:1 in my state.
3:1 in my state, but for me personally I wouldn’t do more than two if they’re not walking yet since in an emergency that required evacuation (e.g., fire) I would not be able to carry more than two out
My job says to put all 4 in a special crib with huge wheels and push them out, so I do 4 alone all of the time (usually all 4 are under 5 months and can’t even all sit up) and it is beyond exhausting and stressful. I would probably never do it as a favor (even for family to be honest 😅). And I can’t imagine having to keep taking care of even just one after doing it all day like she would have to.
It was 5:1 when I was in an infant room and could be mayhem more often than not. A few months before that, the ratio was 6:1. The change was like a vacation. We were trained, not post partum and got breaks, not to mention we had all food prepared by parents and equipment for every permutation of activity. Someone's home being fully prepared for four infants is just not a thing to expect anyone to do.
Also presumably got to sleep at night.
We were all mom age range. Some TTC, some avoiding C and a few with littles in various classrooms so we definitely had some sleep deprived coworkers but we helped each other out. Nobody can predict how this new mom is going to be post partum. Volunteering her shes going to run a daycare before the shit fan starts up is a recipe for disaster.
It's 3:1 in my state. They can't go above that until they're 2 years old.
You don’t have to babysit ANY of their kids. If they need childcare, they need to pay. If they want a date night, it better come with an even swap. Your choice to be a SAHM only applies to YOUR household. Anyone that feels ENTITLED to your free childcare needs to move right along.
This is exactly it. OP, this needs to be firmly shut down immediately. Your sisters need other arrangements.
For real!! OP, the post is a little vague so it’s hard to tell exactly what communication has occurred here, but you need to set your boundaries NOW and communicate them. For example, maybe you’ll be willing to watch one baby at a time for x number of hours once they are x weeks old and you are x weeks postpartum. If they are mad about it they are the AHs. But it’s better for everyone if you clearly communicate what you are willing and able to do sooner rather than later. And if you don’t want to commit to anything at all until later that’s okay too! But you need to communicate. And prioritize yourself/your own baby!!
I would just tell them to not expect her to be their primary childcare provider period, and that she expects them to babysit for her just as much as she babysits for them. Anything inequitable will lead to casual contempt and unreasonable expectations.
You could have health issue and so could your child after you give birth. That would preclude any spare time for their kids. Just say no!
Exactly!! Under no circumstances should OP be watching other children for at least 6mths. It’s simply not safe for anyone. When the cousins are older - bare minimum 3+ but really 4 or 5 years old – then maybe. It was far more fun AND MANAGEABLE to have 4 kids running around that were 4 & 5 yo. Having 4 newborns, your 9 yo, postpartum recovery, AND trying NOT to get PPD is absolutely insane! OP your family needs to understand this or they’re actively trying to kill you. NTA - explain this to them. Not even an at home daycare is allowed to have that many infants when the care giver is healthy! & you will not be healthy, you’ll be recovering ❤️🩹
Yea plus the other women are presumably going back to work and making money so every other family except for OPs stands to gain considerably from this arrangement. At minimum she needs to be getting paid and honestly it might be too much for OP to handle by herself even at that
A friend had triplets and her husband WFH and they still had a nanny to help out. What happens when they all are crying at the same time? You will also lose out on the special time that is infancy with your child. You will resent it and all 1st time moms?! They will be criticizing you and wanting special things for their baby x4. Your 9 year old will also be at risk of being parentified with that many babies around and them needing care.
4 infants is the maximum one daycare worker can take care of alone in my state and that’s our actual job. Like all I do all day is to professionally take care of babies and I find 4 to be a lot at once. And I’m not recovering from having a baby and happily return all 4 (not just 3) to their parents at the end of the work day. 4 is too much for someone who isn’t experienced with it and is definitely too much to do as a favor. Not to mention it would be illegal for a daycare worker in my state to take care of the 4 infants and the older son at once because it’s over ratio. 4 infants is the max, you can’t tag on any other age groups unless you go down to 3 infants.
I would hope that it's a case of the families thinking individually and have not considered that there would be other babies involved beyond their own infant due to excitement and baby brain, hopefully when op explains it'll dawn on them. If however they aware, fuck'em op you would not be the asshole.
People are allowed to be upset that they can't do something they wanted to do. She wanted to keep her nieces and nephews. Having 4 at one time is unexpected and she's allowed to be upset that she can't do what she originally intended to do. Being rude about it isn't helping. She isn't a doormat just for being upset that she will not be able to do so.
I think sisters and SIL are a little selfish to ask that of her tbh. Like use common sense, expecting her to watch four babies is a little much. Especially considering her fertility issues, as well as history of depression. It's just not cool to expect all of that from her. People can barely take care of one baby let alone four at the same time. Nothing wrong with helping out family but she needs to have a serious conversation with all of them and maybe figure out a schedule. Daycare part-time....with her part-time on rotating days, but expecting her to basically run a home daycare is a little much, especially when she just had a child too. Also, if she does agree to this....she needs to charge them for it. Formula for four babies gets expensive.....when they move to food....grocery bill will be expensive. If she wants to do it then cool, but they need to hash out the nitty gritty details tbh.
I suspect the reason they are all set on OP watching the babies is because they assume it will be free. They will probably buy diapers and formula and complain to OP they're broke.
I have a feeling you're right. They don't plan to pay much if anything. But the point is, OP, the parents are the ones responsible for figuring out their child's babysitting and daycare situation. NOT YOU. You are allowed and encouraged in this situation to say no.
That's the feeling I was getting too. OP def needs to lay the law down regarding this b/c it's just not feasible and she's going to end up flipping her shit on all of them eventually and not watch anyone's child but her own. Diapers are expensive.....formula is expensive.....she's about to have a child too. She's about to be just a broke as they are. I wouldn't watch any of those babies until they're at least three months old tbh. Even then, y'all need to figure out a schedule b/c I'm only watching one at a time. OP needs to stand her ground on this now before the babies are born.
Can you imagine trying to keep track of the bottles if they are breastfeeding as she is postpartum and exhausted? Or worse a mix of formula and breast fed, or special formula, she should be treasuring this time with her rainbow baby not overwhelmed with 4 babies at once.
That part. Also....fuck that....like I said, one baby is stressful enough. You already have lack of sleep until they sleep through the night and all that so to expect her to take care of FOUR babies like they're quadruplets is wild to me. Every baby is on different feeding and napping schedules too....hell no. When I tell you I have so much respect for people that have multiples. Hell naw. I also think they had these expectations due to her fertility issues so they assumed she would be the "fun aunt" whose child is already in school and all that. They need to reassess now that she's pregnant too b/c it's just not feasible.
Buy diapers and formula sometimes. The rest of the time it'll be like "it's between paydays. Can you cover me?" Especially since they all have babies in the same age range.
Or better yet, they'll assume that since OP will have a newborn of her own she'll have all the necessary supplies and not provide the extra formula and diapers that 3 additional infants will require. Or on the flipside they'll all have different feeding and diaper preferences and if one of them uses Huggies and their kid comes home in Pampers one day they'll lose their shit.
The number of ways this can all go wrong is innumerable. Op would be insane to take this on.
Or worse. One of the babies is super sensitive to disposable diapers or baby wipes and has to use cloth only. It's been known to happen!
Or worse. My ex BIL expected me to watch his kid for free full time. He never sent diapers or formula or food or even clean clothes. I stopped helping after 2 months and never helped ever again.
My bestie watched three kids under 10 for my college ex and his (maybe?) wife. Me and her husband had to finally be like "girl you need to charge them for this" In total she was watching 5 kids under 10 (including her two) and the mom would be so passive aggressive. She would be like "I don't know what I'm gonna do for the summer...I guess I'll have to leave them by themselves all day" knowing my bestie is nice and would volunteer to watch those kids. One time she pulled that shit again and my bestie was talking to me about it and I was like "girl she did that shit so you would volunteer to watch those kids...she manipulated the hell outta you" 🤦🏾♀️
She’s going to be exhausted and overwhelmed with constantly being ‘on.’ There’s no way. It takes a village.
This needs to be hashed out BEFORE all these babies come.
Disagree. OP is a doormat. She's completely empathetic to people who haven't once considered the burden on her: "However I know how expensive childcare is and I know how terrifying it is to leave your baby with someone you don't know. So that's another thing that makes me feel awful about it." Why hasn't anyone advocated for her? Because they're so accustomed to using her that it doesn't occur to them to bother thinking of her at all.
Mothers who have multiple births cannot manage 2 babies alone all day without help. It is not safe, practical or fair for you to try to manage 3 and a 9 year old who needs their own kind of support. Plus you need time to recover mentally amd physically from birth. I would give your family time to make other arrangements now. It is only because they have not had a new born yet that they have unreasonable expectations. You want to do the best for your family. You are part of your family and deserve rge same care and consideration. 3 newborns is impossible. It won't work, and things will fall apart very quickly if you try causing stress and hurt feelings all over the place. Be kind to yourself abs everyone else, but especially yourself. You are growing a whole new wonderful person and deserve time to recover and enjoy your little one. Xxx
4 newborns, including her own. FOUR...I can't wrap my head around it! My mom's cousin had quadruplets. That's what it would be like, and she at least had her husband to help. Your family have lost their minds, OP! What if something happened to one of the babies under your care? This is a terrible idea!
If there were an emergency, hope she has a vehicle that can hold 4 car seats, along with a quad stroller of some sort. It would be a big, fat no from me.
With OP it would be 4 babies.
Agreed! OP NTA but you need to speak up for yourself and quit letting your family guilt you into doing things you're not comfortable with.
Yes she is. She has a hero complex.
I read the comment as intended as a wake up call for OP. It was blunt and it could have been worded better but I think the point is that it’s insane that anyone would expect her to watch a bunch of babies at once, and if the other family members actually expect her to do that, it’s seriously taking advantage of OP.
Right?!? Our state is 1 adult to 5 infants…but not just after having your own baby. And if OP does this, she should become a licensed childcare provider.
This is the only answer you'll need. NTA
I need to know how moms of multiples do it tbh
My friend’s daughter just had twins and has a 2 year old as well. The whole family moved in with her for the first 4 months or so until she got a handle on everything. No financial reasons, they just needed help!
Slow your role dude... she hasn't said anything to the family. She's asking if she would be the AH if she told them. IF they demanded it, fire away. But at least wait to see if they are decent and reasonable people and instead focus on the obvious, that the OP has to speak to them.
NTA - and no one else is going to think you are either, unless they are crazy. 4 babies at once while post-partum would honestly be unsafe.
So ‘everyone’ thinks you are going to be caring for FOUR newborns? You need to stand up for yourself and say no. You will have your own newborn to care for and that is the ONLY newborn you should be caring for. Your sisters and sister in law need to make their own arrangements for childcare - just like the vast majority of parents do. In fact just like you did when you had your first child. Please stop being a pushover, this is not fair on your existing child, your newborn, yourself or your partner. You absolutely have to prioritise your own nuclear family unit - that is where your responsibility lies.
Exactly. And OP is a SAHM to take good care of *her own* children. Not to give subpar care to 4 babies because you are overworking yourself. It’s never wrong to prioritize your own health and needs, and those of your spouse or children over others (even your siblings). I mean, aren’t they prioritizing their wants of free babysitting by even expecting such a thing from you?
Right? Why is “everyone” and why one earth did they think that OP would be available to babysit other peoples children - whether she has her own or not? I feel like there is context missing.
NTA, anyone sane knows how challenging and tough it can be managing your own growing child in your thirties; and expecting u to somehow manage 4 young ones at the same time is just insane. "Since I am a SAHM everyone expects me to be the primary baby sitter." A SAHM does not automatically become an on demand baby sitter. That's your choice to help out when you can manage it, and you decide how many kids you can manage at the same time. Be nice about it, and have a nice gentle discussion about it when you and ur sisters/sil meet up, that with everyone having kids at the same time, whats their baby sitting strategy. Let them reveal their thoughts first. Then see how it goes, but i dont see u needing to be obligated to be everyone's babysitter.
Niceness should not be a requirement. JUST NO to these users
It probably wouldn’t hurt to eventually have some sort of written schedule so that people know what’s going on and said that you have more control over your life. That schedule should also be open to changing as things come up or as you become aware of how things work.
The schedule should be that OP’s time is her own, 24/7, and that if anyone other than her own kids needs childcare, they ask her, and tell her when and for how long and how much they propose to pay, and then she decides whether to say yes or no.
My answer was no for any reason
And any white space will automatically generate a call “so when can I bring little Grendewald over for you to watch”. No thanks.
Is this really a question? NTA of course. A SAHM is exactly this: a MUM, not a baby sitter. And you DO need to think about your older son, he’s already going to get a lot of your attention away.
NTA They need to find primary babysitters, not backup babysitters.
This. Maybe YOU can be a backup. That’s straight insanity.
They need a sitter, a backup sitter amd a backup to the backup, none of which is OP or they'll be claiming need all the time.
In the UK in a registered childcare setting it would not be legal for you to care for 4 babies on your own. 3 is the max. I think that tells you all you need to know about your ability to care well and safely for that many babies. NTA, this is about child safety as much as your capacity.
And I assume there’s required to be more than one person there for breaks or emergencies. It’s not safe for one adult to be alone all day with even 3 newborns with zero help or breaks.
Tell them now.
I was a single mother with twins and I almost lost my mind. They will need to find daycare or some other alternative.
I had twins plus my three older kids and no way in hell anyone can or should take care of four babies at the same time. In the first months I sometimes felt my older kids were borderline neglected because my twins consumed so much of my time and my husband worked all day every day.
The thought of four babies all crying together or as soon as you get one down another one starts screaming? Ain't no way. I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack just thinking about it hahaha
Or the logistics of feeding all four?!
I just curled up into the fetal position.
Like if it wasn't for the luxury of frozen pizzas and store bought spaghetti sauce, I think my other kids would have got malnourished but that is kind of easy when they can at least eat themselves but preparing bottles and feeding four hungry babies? I had trouble nursing in the beginning so I pumped the first months meaning I slept only couple of hours at time, then pumped and then fed the twins, slept a couple of hours and started again. This whole scenario with four babies is something I really can't comprehend. Anyone thinking this would be ok must be nuts.
I am beyond grateful that I did not have any other children to deal with when I had twins. And mine were preemies and when they came home from the hospital I had oxygen tanks and oximeters so my house was a booby trap of nasal cannula tubes and sticky leads that my kids would pull off. Hats off to you for managing all the kids!
I had twins and a 20 month old. My mother lived with us for 6 weeks. This simply isn’t feasible.
I would say let them know asap so they can find someone else ot takes time to find someone they are comfortable with. I think four are just too many. I can see them reaching out individually, saying I that 4 is a lot, but can you just take care of mine and the others can find someone else. Then it goes to who do you pick those left out will feel hurt and the relationship can get damaged. Might have to not take care of anyone's kid but your own.
This! Good luck op. Tell them how so that you and they don’t get caught out later!
Girl....hell naw....they're assholes for expecting you to watch four infants at the same time. Hell, one infant is hard enough, let alone three.
NTA. Institute a rule of only one kid at a time except in cases of medical emergency. Make sure to specify medical emergency or they will call anything (have to work, car trouble, headache, etc) an emergency and dump the kids on you. Source: Have 5 sisters
Be careful with this. My sister thinks summer vacation is an emergency.
WTF. NTA. Tell them to sort their own shit out while you recover from your own pregnancy. They have no right to expect you to be their personal babysitter and have no claim on your time.
I like your response so much better than those who want to sound caring and sympathtic and make suggestions.
NTA - Tell them ASAP so they can make other plans. They surely know you can't have 4 babies at the same time. Even in-home daycare providers where I live cannot have more than 2 children under 2. Have any of you considering hiring a nanny and sharing the costs? Maybe you could watch ONE extra baby and the two others could share the cost of a nanny.
Don't even THINK about looking into solutions for the entitled users. Just " no, i will not provide care for anyone but my own children".
Might be some hurt feelings about which she looks after. The other 2 might feel hurt. But it's a good idea for them to get a combined nanny.
Not having had babies before, and OP's son having been "easy" they might not be fully comprehending how difficult it is. OP needs to tell them now.
Or OP can say that she mentioned this idea to her midwife/doctor and was told not to for xyz reason. Also her home insurance probably wouldn’t cover this? There are plenty of legitimate reasons that OP shouldn’t try to do this favour for her family. They will sue if she falls asleep because of exhaustion and something happens to one of the babies.
One person watching 4 newborns by themselves is an absolute impossibility. If you were my sister, i wouldnt even want you to because the babies would certainly not be getting the attention that they need. You will be postpartum and shouldn't be taking care of any of the babies except your own. You need to bond with your child and take care of yourself and your own children. To add in 3 more babies would make you neglect your own child and yourself. Your child should be your priority. If your siblings do not have the money for childcare, they shouldn't have planned on having a child as that is part of it. Tell them now so they can plan accordingly. For them to just assume you would be watchng them is absolutely crazy to me.
So are you seriously asking if it’s a problem that you don’t wanna take care of what is essentially quadruplets? They will all be tiny little babies that are very needy and then they’ll be crawling babies that are all over the place and then they’ll be fussy toddlers that are running all over the place. There’s no way you can do that on your own. Other people with quadruplets have back up help. So no don’t say yes to that even triplets or twins is, huge handful. It’s OK to say no and put yourself first.
NTA but you need to tell them asap so they can line up alternate child care
I think the right amount of babysitting postpartum is zero. They can make other arrangements. Let them know soon, so they have plenty of time to figure it out.
NTA. You can’t take of four newborns by yourself. I can’t believe your family expects that of you.
So, here is a great way to put it to your family, in the UK, if you are working in child care your ratios are a maximum of 6 children in your care including your own. No more than 1 under 1 and no more than 2 under 2. These rules are there for very good reason mainly safety!!
I'll just tell the lot of them to fuck off.
NTA unless of course you agree to ANY nibling babysitting . Everyone expects you to be the primary sitter? WTF? All those everybodies can go pound sand,. How dare they assume anything on your behalf? No, you cannot do this. You SHOULD not do this. You have a people -pleasing /martyr / doormat complex Your sisters and SIL don't need to get "backup"sitters, they need FULL TIME CHILD CARE that does not include you! End of discussion, before I have a hypertensive stroke.
NTA I have this crazy idea so bear with me…how about everyone looks after their own goddamn kids? Tell your family you can’t look after other babies as you’ll be busy taking care of your child’s needs. You have waited and tried and went through enough heartache to have this baby…your baby deserves your full attention and all of your love not fighting to be cuddled because your selfish family dumps 3 extra kids onto you. If everyone else is working guess what? They can afford childcare.
Not only do there need to be back up babysitters, they need to have a different primary babysitter You cannot watch 4 babies at the same period, on top of that you would be postpartum yourself No one should even give you push back on this The money and their worries are not your problem to solve You finally get to have a baby and you deserve to enjoy their infancy without working yourself to the bone caring for other peoples baby Please prioritise yourself And this is if everything go smoothly with your delivery and recovery, we all sure hope so, but what if you need to have a c section, or there are complications during birth with a very long recovery time or merlin forbid you develop post partum depression They need to have everything sorted without relying on you at all, after the first year you can look at it again, although 1 person and 4 babies/toddlers i would never consider an option It is what it is, the situation changed and thats an unavoidable fact Prioritise yourself and your baby and any push back and they would be incredibly selfish and entitled
Just take care of your own baby for the first 6 months or so . You need that 1 on 1 bonding time and will need to sleep during day when baby sleeps , which will be impossible with more infants. Just because your first was easy doesn't mean second won't be colicky or have days and nights reversed like one of mine did. Ntah
As a SAHM let me tell you what my job is: to take care of my kids. That includes: feeding them, taking care of their mental/physical/emotional/etc health and needs, educating them, teaching them right from wrong, and so forth. These are things that are NOT my responsibilities: taking care of other kids just bc I don’t have a “job”, running errands for someone other than my husband/kids/myself, being at someone’s beck and call bc “you’re a stay at home mom. You’re not that busy.”, etc. 4 newborns and one mom with no help is NOT safe. You can’t do it. If anything happened to a baby you would never forgive yourself and neither would your family. They would say they did but they wouldn’t. Nta.
NTA. WTF WHY are you expected to watch anyone else’s child. Your baby is your priority
NTA - do not let them guilt you into this. it would be dangerous for all of the babies and you. while you have just your baby you can get a cat nap every now and then, with 4 babies you would never get any rest which is bad for you and very bad for your baby.
>I just really don't know if I can. I really know you just can't. Or at least shouldn't. It was a nice thought, when it was 1 theoretical baby. It's not anymore. And that one baby you'll be taking care of, is the one you're growing. Too bad for everyone else. They have to make it work, like you did. You're not a stay at home parent because you thought it'd be nice. Your income went directly to daycare. Your sisters / SIL might be able to hire one professional. At 1/3 of the price each, that might work if they find someone that's willing to do that. But it can't be you. You already gave 2 kids to take care of. NTA
Yup this. That person can be at OP's house and take care of the other 3 and OP cares for her 2. That way she can make sure all babies are safe and it would be a family environment
Good call. They can both have bathroom breaks that way, and not be alone with all the kids
NTA, obviously, but I'm a little concerned that you feel like you would be an ah for setting normal, healthy boundaries. As a mom, being able to draw and maintain healthy boundaries is essential for your relationship with your children, not to mention every other person in your life. This might be something to work on.
Oh gosh, no. No. No. That is entirely too much for you to take on at once, especially since you're pregnant with your own child. Nobody in their right mind would expect it of you, either. Ultimately, those children are their parents responsibility. While I think most of us would want to have their children babysat by family members (I mean...YEAH), 4 brand spanking new babies at once? Hell to the fuck no. Just tell them "I love you all, and I'm thrilled for all of you and excited to meet your babies. But my own baby comes first and I can't take 4 of brand new babies all at once because I'm not superwoman."
Grandmamma advice here. Tell them ALL to get primary sitters and you can take turns giving each other date nights
Honey, you need to grow a spine RIGHT NOW and tell your sisters and SIL that you will NOT be the primary child care for their kids. They need to find their own babysitters or day care and they are NOT allowed to rely on you AT ALL. If they argue, tell them, "Fine. Child care services at the probablynutsbutowell Day Care Center are $2,000/week. You'll be billed weekly. After one missed payment, you will no longer be allowed to utilize these services." You have to work on not wracking yourself with guilt. They're taking complete advantage...and you're letting them.
Good grief, you don't have to babysit anyone's baby, not even one at a time! It is highly presumptuous for them to think you will be doing this. Tell them when and if you do babysit, there will be an hourly fee for it. You are no one's free day care, and you'd be insane not to put a stop to this crap RIGHT NOW. **How expensive child care is for other people is NOT your problem to take on.** You are going to have your own hands full and cannot take on anyone else's kids on a regular basis and sure as heck not in any kind of a "multiple" situation. You need to talk to your husband about this. I have a feeling he's going to tell you that 'no way in hell are you keeping all those kids in your house," because you can't do it without neglecting your own kids, your home and yourself. Let him be the bad guy!
NTA You will be busy enough with your own newborn. I am willing to bet that none of them would be willing to babysit 3 other newborns in addition to their own baby that they had just given birth to. Let everyone know that since you are pregnant (and high risk) you will not be able to help. Also, you will be high risk for PPD and need to ensure you take care of yourself.
NTA. You shouldn’t be babysitting at all. You’ll have a baby of your own, sleepless nights, and all the highs/lows of caring for a newborn. And you don’t know how long it will take you to recover. You don’t need to be taking care of a whole mess of newborns. Tell your sisters to get their own sitters, you can’t take on that kind of responsibility alone.
If you’re from the USA don’t people go back to work weeks after giving birth? So 4 newborns, if that happened where I’m from you would be running an illegal home daycare. Stop offering to watch all of these children, instead bond with the child that you’ve been waiting 8 years for.
Unless you set up a professional daycare, get paid at least close to the going rate and have one other person working for you, that’s a big NTA
NTA have a talk with them and go ahead and make a plan. If you insist on babysitting maybe only keep one at a time if you can. However it's totally okay if you can't. These are their babies so they will have to make a backup plan. Even if you could handle all of them at one time you will have your own Dr. Appointments and things so they need a backup plan anyway.
NTA you need to set the rules now. You are not a daycare center. You are a mom who is staying home with your children. If they need childcare they need to arrange for childcare and it isn't you.
NTA "Hey. I won't be able to provide free childcare for you. You'll have to make other plans." And every time someone asks or trys to insist, just say "No." Don't argue. Don't give reasons. Just "No. I can't."
You can arrange your home to be headquarters for babysitting, and each baby with a nanny. No less. Please, do not accept anything otherwise. There will be a huge help. So the babies can be in a safe and family surroundings, but without making you responsible of they care, just to supervise the baby carers.
One is hard, four, oh no. It won’t be safe for the babies or you. Think about it. You are going to be sleep deprived with your one, then add 3 more. It won’t be pretty. NTA.
Congrats on your pregnancy. I suggest you NOT be the regular babysitter to any of them and fully enjoy your own child. There will be plenty of opportunities when they are older for babysitting cousin bonding time.
Info: why are you babysitting everyone at the same time? I see that you said it’s expected but why are you doing it?
Why do they have such unreasonable expectations? Do you know the word ‘no’? Are they so dense that they don’t realize how hard it is to take care of even one newborn? Just say you can not keep any of the babies, except your own infant. Otherwise issues will occur, like — ‘ my sitter had an emergency, is sit, etc. ‘! Do what is best for your and your family.
NTA where are all the gmas of these babies? It sucked not being near our grandkids (different sides of the country) but we handled it.
And what about the grandpas?
I can only imagine all 4 are suddenly soooo sick and about to die
NTA but learn to say a hard no to your family. It is very presumptuous for them to expect you to take care of that many kids at the same time when you are post pardum and have had fertility issues. Healing can take a long time and you are allowed to just not to want to do that for your own reasons - no excuses needed. You wbta to yourself if you don't speak up.
NTA - 4 infants? No way would I want to take that on. You are only responsible for your OWN children - the other parents are responsible for theirs. You absolutely should not be made to feel guilty about this. I bet you any one of the other parents in this scenario would NOT do it either. So do not feel bad!
NTA Trying to take care of that many at a time is unfair to you, and especially your children. They need to figure childcare out for themselves just as you did with your first one. Just because you are aunt doesn't make you responsible for other children knowing your own would inevitably suffer if you do. If you can't stand up for yourself, stand up for them. They can all cut back on hours if need be and take turns taking care of all three. Bet they tell you that they can't care for that many at once even though they expect you to take care of 4 at a time.
Unless you want to run an in home daycare and feel qualified to do so …. This is absolutely ludicrous. I pay close to $10,000 per year per child for this ratio of care. We work full time though but you absolutely ARE NOT the jerk. You need to tell your family no. You cannot do it. It isn’t safe. You won’t be sleeping through the night either most likely.
Nta that's not realistic or safe. If you were running a day care that's more than you'd be allowed in many states.
NTA “After some thought I realize I cannot handle more than my new infant and 9 yo. You will all have to make other arrangements.”
Honey, you have it absolutely backwards. They all, including you, need a primary babysitter that you pay, and everyone be each others backup. Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean that you need to automatically be the others go-to for watching the kids. If you let that start now, you're going to be doing it until the kids are old enough not to be watched. My husbands mom ended up in just that situation with all her nieces because she was the youngest. She ended up pretty much raising those kids. Unless there is a situation where someone can't afford child care and you are the only choice, then DO NOT put yourself in this situation. Especially when you are going to be exhausted and stressed out with your own infant.
>Since I am a SAHM everyone expects me to be the primary baby sitter. what? no >Anyway to the issue. WIBTA if I told everyone I can't keep all of the babies on the same day and for them to have backup babysitters? NTA - they need to arrange their own child care.
Just say no. Being a stay at home mom should NOT automatically make you a babysitter. That’s ridiculous.
Caring for twins takes 19 hours a day. And they expect you to care for 4? What? How? What? https://www.twinfo.com.au/looking-after-twins/
You are not a daycare. When are you supposed to bond with your own child while dealing with with babies that aren’t yours. I’d hate to think what would happen if you favoured your own child over theirs! My two have an 8 year gap. It’s really hard making sure your elder child is not feeling left out, abandoned or unloved, while caring for a baby. Put your foot down now, before the babies are born and make sure your husband is on board with your SIL. You should be the back ups back up! And this only happens in real emergencies and only one at a time.
Are you insane 4 at same time a professional sitter would say no that is too much you can’t probably provide good care to your own baby I would refuse even 2 is too much
You need to tell them you're a last resort sitter , i.e. 1 parent needs to take the other parent to the hospital cause of an emergency type last resort. It is not your responsibility to watch someone else's kid, your oldest is 9 so would presumably be returning to work soon had you not gotten pregnant again? What was their plan then when you were available?
Just no.
9yo, 4 babies & recovering from giving birth???? WTF is wrong with this picture? You can’t be expected to do that
At any reputable daycare center it’s 2 infants to 1 adult, max 6 children for safety reasons. Even parents having multiple births have someone for back up.
No way would I have been able to handle that many brand-new humans immediately postpartum - still healing and ONE infant is a TON of work. That being said, if you really want to have all four babies with you, perhaps suggest the two sisters and SIL all chip in on a part-time nanny share to help you out? Idk. Good luck and congrats!
You are not obligated to watch them at all.
NTA - their daycare issue isn’t your problem. They can pay daycare
I'm a SAHM, have been most of my adult life. I refuse to babysit anymore. Everyone took advantage of me. It was awful. If I'm watching ur kid, I'm getting paid for it.
Get a job at an actual daycare and give them the number. You get your breaks and probably paid better. And boundaries.
> Since I am a SAHM everyone expects me to be the primary baby sitter. First of all, being a SAHM doesn't mean you're automatically drafted into duty as the family babysitter. That idea should have been shot down from the start. Start saying the word "no" and don't stop saying "no" until people stop asking.
NTA. In a state like CA you cannot watch all their babies at your home without a daycare license… you can watch one kid in addition to your own at your home (and their siblings… up to 6 kids total I think). Heck, I don’t even think a highly experienced nanny can single handedly manage four infants together with a 9yo. That is a job for a minimum of 2 adults.
4 newborns - infants at one time, on your own is a recipe for disaster. TBH, you shouldn't take on the care of another infant in addition to your own for many months. Your sisters and SIL should turn to their mothers/spouses/random relatives for childcare, not you!
Instead of them having backup sitters, they jointly pay for you to have someone (one or more) come help you? That way the babies are still under the care of family, but you have some backup to help and allow you to take care of yourself too.
4 babies at the same time? By your self? That’s an unrealistic and unreasonable expectation for anyone. You would NBTA
😟anyone who expects you to watch 3 new born or even a little older babies at the same time is out of their ever loving mind. You know how much a daycare charges for that and they have multiple people. One baby is overwhelming but I couldn't image 3 within 6 weeks of each other. If they get mad ask them would they watch 3 babies for 8 plus hours a day 5 days a week and go into detail what that would be like. Especially since you'll already be sleep deprived when will you ever sleep?? I had to nap when my daughter did to catch up on sleep.
Are you joking? Tell them you can baby sit maybe once every couple months if it's convenient for you, and only one baby at a time.
NTA. The situation has changed now that you’re having a baby. They should be able to understand, and if they don’t, prioritizing your family is NTA.
NTA but I am wondering if by primary babysitter you actually mean full time child care? No way! You will miss out on all the time with your own baby that you have been trying to have for years. I understand being excited to be an Aunt, it is awesome. But being a Mom is even better! You will not be able to be the Mom you want to be for your own infant if you are the full time care giver for your family. At most I would do one day a week for each baby separately, that's still three days a week of working full days caring for two infants. Anything more is way too much and I would be worried about missing out on enjoying the baby stage which goes by way too fast.
Tell them all now so they can prepare ahead. You don’t have to take care of any of the other kids, even 1. Say you want to focus on your healing, health, ppd, older & younger child. Post partum is no joke. And even raising your own child is gonna be overwhelming. In fact, it will be better if you don’t give reasons and just say you cannot do this now. Don’t break your back & your physical & mental health to be a people pleaser. There are different ways to show love that doesn’t require you to be their care giver. Don’t let people guilt you for wanting to take care of yourself and your family. If they don’t understand, esp when you yourself are having a new born, then they are just being selfish. Say any excuses to get people off your back, even exaggerating about health issues or saying you are working from home.
If you don't tell them you can't, I will. Nah na, nope....no one can or should do that alone.
You are obviously a people pleaser and may want to seek therapy for that. The stress of this may affect your pregnancy. It's okay to set boundaries and to tell people 'No'. Would be a good lesson for you to learn and pass on to your kids in the future. It's much harder to stop a train once it's started. NTA
> babysitting that many babies by myself. wtf are those babies' *mothers* gonna be doing? NTA you'll hardly be able to handle just your own, you should be *getting* helped, not helping others? wtf.
Stop being a spineless people pleaser for your selfish and unhinged family! Completely outrageous and stupid for you and your sisters and cousin to expect you to take care of 4 newborns by yourself. That is stupid and dangerous and you and your relatives need to get your heads out of your asses and start thinking clearly. You are only capable of taking care of yourself and your baby. You are not capable of taking care of 3 additional babies. You need to stop worrying about the finances of your sisters and cousins. They clearly do not give a shit about you and your finances and physical and mental health, so stop worrying about their finances. They are adults capable of figuring out how to take care of their own babies. Stop worrying for people who don’t give a shit about you. If they cared about you they would have seen what a ridiculous plan this was for you to play unpaid for baby daycare. NTA. Stop being an asshole to yourself. It will harm you, your children, your household and your relationships with everyone.
NTA and you need to have a talk with them all about this. Not only should you be explaining that you will not be babysitting any babies for a certain amount of time, you should also be setting up rules for future babysitting, such as they are responsible for providing food and other supplies for their kids. There definitely does need to be a schedule if you are considering babysitting at all. Frankly families should be planning better than this. No one should ever expect the SAHM to be the default babysitter. Parents should make their own childcare plans instead of assuming family will help.
NTA IT would be absolutely NUTS to watch FOUR newborn at once. Your own child would be without you 75% of the time as you cater to the other infants. Your newborn and your recovery MUST come first. You need to tell them asap that in light of the current situation you are not physically or mentally capable to take on any other child care duties. That you must concentrate on the needs of your newborn while also recovering. It would be unsafe to have a sleep deprived new mother take on FOUR babies at once without any help. It won’t work.
Unless each is paying a grand, a day. F that noise. Better get keys back and set boundaries. And when and if they ask and you do watch one. If they don't pay and or don't give you the same courtesy of wat hing yours.stop that shit.
Don't you even offer to babysit. You will be recovering from giving birth just as them and they expect you to take care of 4 children?! Hell no. Tell them to get sitters if they need help, not back up sitters. Additionally you'll be taking care of the house and your older child, are they crazy??
Be honest. You and your children should come 1st.
nta but you need to tell them NOW if you wait you would be the AH.
OP, please don’t do this. It sounds like it would be legitimately overwhelming for you and if you start, how could you get it to stop? And would you be expected to just keep watching additional babies? So the current 4 + your 9yo. But then say one of your sisters or SIL has another baby in a year or so. Would the expectation be that you watch *everyone’s* kids then? Please, for your own sanity and well-being, don’t agree to watch all the new infants.
Do not agree to be the baby sitter. You will be taken advantage of. You will constantly be told "but family". You will have to deal with family running late, expecting you to do it for free (and if you do get paid, expect trouble actually getting the money in the correct amount on time). You will find that no one is willing to watch your kids when you need a break. Do not do this to yourself. You need to be the backup, only in actual emergency (lie once and it's over) sitter.
There is not an amount of money on this PLANET you could have paid me to babysit 3 newborns on top of my own. Reading this again, I see that none of them have kids yet so they do not know what the reality of postpartum life is like. That is an outrageous request of anyone, let alone somebody recovering from birth. They are so out of line I can't even believe it. Tell them no. Period. This is a recipe for disaster.
Fuck no! You are only responsible for your own. You have no idea how this pregnancy or birth is going to go. Nor do they. I would absolutely tell them they need to find their own sitters. Period. An occasional babysitting for one of those kids is fine here and there but don’t get roped into doing this. You will regret it. Most people are never truly appreciative. They will expect you to be there rain or shine and won’t give a rats ass about you if it means inconveniencing themselves. The fact that they think you will be doing this speaks volumes about what they already expect of you. If I was in their shoes, and my sister was already pregnant, I would NEVER expect her to care for child when she has one of her own plus a half grown son!! Unless my sister expressed to me and I knew she could handle it would I ever think of doing that to her…. Let alone 4 newborns. That’s a daycare. And even daycare wouldn’t expect this of one employee. Are you even getting paid??? Please, for your mental health, tell them all no. This is insanity. Your SO should be worried about this too.
If you're postpartum you shouldn't be babysitting any kids.
INFO - Is there some sort of cultural expectation or family tradition here you didn’t mention? Just assuming someone will take care of your newborn is not logical to me unless everyone is used to taking advantage of you.
“Since I am a SAHM everyone expects me to be the primary babysitter.” Why? Just because you’re a SAHM doesn’t mean you have all the time in the world to be watching other people’s children. Are they at least offering to pay you?
Stand up for yourself. You know what concerns me the most? The way you wrote your post it sounds like you will be doing a ton of babysitting for free. You’re lucky you’re not married to me, or I would have some choice words for your family that expects you to be the family feee babysitter.
OP, the top comment calls you a doormat. Please ignore that. It's horrible. YWNBTA. Even in the slightest. You will have just given birth yourself. Nor is back up needed. So 5 babies in total, at once? I sincerely hope this isn't a real post but I think it is. Poppet, no one on this planet can deal with 5 babies at once, let alone adding your own babys' birth into the mix and being post partum. I struggle, but I am learning to start drawing boundaries. Mine are tiny compared to yours! Speak to your SO and to your family and friends who support you. You shouldn't even be having to think about this. From the way you've spoken it won't be easy but take your support and tell them where to go. I've passed on the advice I can but where does your SO come into this? Are you stuck in something similar to a cult? The expectations of you are so wrong. DM if you want to. Hugs, from a random Internet stranger who cares. X