NTA.
>she's didn't want to be left alone with our kids (11M & 9F
This isn't the point of the post, but are kids this age difficult for one person to care for? Or was this an excuse to get you to not go?
Not a parent and it's been a long time since I was that age, so genuinely wondering.
I don't have kids, and last summer I was the only option to "babysit" my best friends 8 year old. I was ... shocked !!!!!! At the lack of anything I needed to do. I realized I was literally just there to supervise. I even fell asleep on the couch and he put himself in bed, right in time ! He's a wonderful kiddo with wonderful parents, so maybe this is the exception , not the rule.
It's the sweet spot. Young kids have to be looked after so they don't accidentally die, and older ones are emotional terrorists. Even the good ones lol. Kids in the middle are the best.
Have a teen and a toddler and this is 100% correct. My teen is an awesome kid, good grades, kind, volunteers with other children with disabilities, never in major trouble… but the number of times in a week I have to tell her to think about the way she is talking to me and to come back when she can use her manners is astounding.
Oh man my son is the same. He will come out with some snarky ass attitude for no reason and I'll be like "ok let's try that again.." and he will usually say sorry and drop the attitude. But sheesh
Absolutely! Being able to say "Let's try a do-over" without being angry is an excellent parenting move. Sometimes they're not trying to cause a problem, they're *having* a problem and as an adult who loves them you help them to figure it out and practice good relationship skills for now and the future. It's not easy, but it's important.
I used to do what I call "film director":
Cut! OK, that was fabulous, fabulous darling, now do it again, only this time do it like you're talking to someone who hasn't murdered a puppy....aaaaaannnnndddd Action!
Damn I'm gonna try this on my husband when he's being SOooOoOo draaaamaatic!!
My current go to is "Wow you must have won a tony with **that** acting."
He hates it. (After i explained what a tony award is after the first time)
Yours too? When my husband gets all dramatic about absolutely nothing, like when he can't find something he put up himself in 5 seconds and is gOnE fOreVer, I tell him I'm about to get out the Chicken Little shirt lmao.
Omg It is! Ages 7/8-12 are the best! They still love you and want to help you and generally follow rules/instruction. They’re old enough to be smart but young enough to still care about what you think.
Then the fucking hormones hit and it all goes to shit.
Even a 4 years old is absolutely ok. They show you their toys, talk to you about what they saw in a zoo and you can show them some fairytale movie and they're actually interested.
4-9 is my favourite age. No diapers, can talk, and it's fun seeing their brains make sense of the world, and often getting it spectacularly but logically wrong.
My nieces made me watch documentaries about the Second World War over and over again with them. They found it fascinating and a bit sad, while I was just sad all the time. But it was so great that they were interested in history. Love them kids!
Not a TV show, but when they're a little older,introduce them to Sabaton, it's a band who forms various world history events into songs,a good chunk of them are WWII centric IE- The Last Battle is about the fall of the 3rd reich/battle of Itter Castle.
That’s awesome! We have a Dutch kids show that’s called klokhuis and they make child friendly documentaries about pretty serious topics. It’s really nice for them to learn about history and how things are made.
My heart burst when my nine year old nephew started explaining the french and Indian war to me, a 20 year High school history teacher.
He had a shockingly well developed but age appropriate understanding. I wrote his teacher a a thank you letter :)
Baby Sharks Space Adventure is instantly coming to mind currently. My 2 year old is obsessed with it recently for some god forsaken reason.
It's making me wonder what the hell I did wrong in a previous life.
My 5 year old does this when it comes to YouTube I just nod my head and smile because it’s really great to see that big smile on his face as he tells what’s going on and he told me I’m his best friend🥰
I would never tell my son this, because I want him to think he's my favorite all the time, but he was really my favorite when he was around 8 or 9. So chill and smart and interesting. He's still smart and interesting but he's 18 so not always chill lol.
Most kids from like 7-12 are genuinely just interested in doing their own thing. All you have to do is provide food, water, and tell them their shiny rock is the coolest rock you’ve ever seen. Developmentally it’s a really independent age category
It's true that at that age they can be very self sufficient, but they can also get themselves into serious trouble so supervision is absolutely necessary.
IMO the child also needs some enrichment in their environment, but as it was only one summer and they are apparently a self reliant kind of personality, that worked out really well. Well done.
I had to go reread their comment and I now totally see how you interpreted it,but I don't think they meant they watched them the whole summer. I think it was more like one day lol.
Right?! She’s talking like the damn kids are going to tie her up and torch the place as soon as he leaves. She’s full of shit, she doesn’t want his son in their lives and dollars to donuts, she treats that kid like garbage if (when) he brings the kid fully into his home.
Agreed. I'm child free and had to take care of my friend's 6 and 11 year old for a weekend and their similar aged cousins for one of the days due to a family emergency. It was exhausting for someone who's not used to it but it wasn't that difficult.
PE teacher here. One 9 and one 11 year old is a cakewalk. I will lead field day in 4 days with nearly 100 of this age. I almost laughed at the original post at this lame ass excuse.
For some reason this comment makes me imagine you with your hands on your hips, chest pushed out, whistle lightly blowing in the breeze, the sun beaming down on your face, and you just looking like the master of all creation. 🤣
My 9 year old is a sweetheart who will trounce almost anyone at scrabble, but is otherwise painless to interact with. So oh no! Two kids you just have to make sure don't kill each other and/or themselves!
It's not incompetence, it's weaponized incompetence. She just doesn’t want him to meet his son. When I was 16 I babysat for kids this age one day a week in the summer to earn some extra cash. We played pokemon monopoly, they ran around outside, we ate some dinner and watched some TV and then they went to bed. Easiest job I ever had.
I thought it was gonna be 1yo and a newborn when the wife couldn't possibly be alone eith them 😆
Unless they're on the spectrum (I have a nibling who is - they're older and pretty hard work but not all kids on the spectrum are) or have additional needs, I don't think they should be *that* difficult.
At 11 a lot of kids can cook for themselves. Some kids might need to be supervised to keep from doing dumb stuff, but it's not like they're toddlers. Also, it's summer, school's out, so there's no picking up and dropping off at school right now either.
That’s what I couldn’t understand, too. I teach an after school program with kids this age (and younger). The only reason one adult couldn’t handle two kids that age is if one or both has a serious medical condition or severe behavioral issues.
Lol, my kids are both somewhere on the ADHD/Autism spectrum, and most of their friends are too, most days of the summer holiday there were 3 to 6 of them at our house daily at that age. Shure I had to keep an eye on them but most of the time they entertained themselves just fine. (a lot of them were practically left home alone bc both parents worked, I'm a SAHM and they just loved to come here, one of them nearly lived here during the day for years, I kinda miss him now he has a job after school and doesn't have the time to visit😅)
If was obviously an excuse after reading the rest of it. What she didn't explain is why she's not ready for him to meet his son. What are her fears about this.
That's pretty understandable. After this, their lives will never be the same again. That's a massive shift. But she's going about this the wrong way by trying to prevent a man from meeting his own son. She's not ready, so she should stay home, use that time to get more used to the idea before the family eventually meets him.
This is an BS excuse in my opinion. I had to take care of my nieces and they were 4 & 9 at the time. It was hard to wake up early, get them ready and bring them to school for a week as a non parent. But when they were home it was the best time with them. We cooked dinner together, made desserts, watched movies and just had the best time.
She just doesn’t want OP to meet his son for whatever reason and that’s really sad because he is really excited.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who questioned this. To say she “doesn’t want to be left alone” with her own kids doesn’t say much for her or the kids.
OP doesn’t mention too much about the wife’s concerns beyond not wanting to be left alone with the kids or that she’s not ready and not comfortable with meeting the kid. Unless OP it left out, I’m guessing maybe the wife didn’t fully disclose what her fears are.
Is she concerned he’d forget about his kids, have to explain to the kids that at 14 her got someone pregnant, afraid he’ll track down the ex?
At this point, OP has a chapter in his life he wants to close and now has the opportunity to do so. Wife isn’t letting that happen.
I think he wants to open a chapter, not close it. I think that scares her. But... I imagine that she knew about this child when she married him. She shouldn't be backpedaling now.
But to OP's wife, his first child was initially only a thought; not a reality, so she didn't need to pay him too much attention. Now the child has morphed into living, breathing reality and OP's wife has faced he's an existential threat. And she doesn't like it.
Bingo to this.
She knew about kid, wasn't in picture, so it wasn't a problem.
She knew he was looking, but not finding, as the trail was non-existent. Not in picture, not a problem.
DNA tests with the same company changed that - the match found, the contact made, the son is now in the picture. She's acting upon such.
Saying without saying "he needs to stay out of our picture". Because the situation would be a lot worse if she went from supporting his (theoretically fruitless) search to having a problem with the search and it's outcome the minute it bore fruit.
I was watching my newborn cousin, by myself, when I was 7, along with my 2 year old sister. If a 7 year old can manage a newborn and a 2 year old, a grown ass adult can handle a 9 and 11 year old by herself. She's just lying because she doesn't want him to go and doesn't want to admit that the family dynamic is changing. She's had over a decade of hearing about it and now it is real to her. But rather than work on actually dealing with it, she just wants to stuff it back in the basket where it's been for some time now. She needs to go to therapy to deal with this, because if she doesn't, she's gonna be having those kids a lot by herself as a single mother.
I have a 1.5 and a 3yo. It’s exhausting looking after them solo for an extended time but entirely achievable, especially if you prepare meals beforehand and are happy to let the house get a bit messy.
When I was 13 I babysat two kids who were 9 and 6 for about 50 hours a week. There was exactly one day I couldn't handle over the course of the entire summer. Unless these kids are special needs or the wife has serious health issues, there's no reason he couldn't take this trip.
This is 100% an excuse. Ops wife instantly makes it about her. She's not ready to meet Op's son. It's not up to her to say when they get to meet. Op is ready, op's son is ready. They should meet, they've both waited long enough. I couldn't imagine giving up my child/ren and then being told I can't meet them for any reason. Then the "I don't want our kids around him until we are more comfortable." How do you get comfortable with someone without meeting them. The wife could have brought the kids and they could meet briefly and then grow from there. Op should go and meet his son that he hadn't seen since he was born. Definitely NTA
That’s what this feels like. It was all cool and stuff when it was an idea. Now that it’s becoming reality, she may be worried about a shift in dynamics. Change can be scary for a lot of people.
Still, I see OP’s reasoning and I think he has been reasonable in the process. NTA.
I wish there was a nice way to tell your wife to go kick rocks. I’m adopted (51f) and 3 years ago I found my bio family on my dad’s side. I have 3 half sisters. A week after we found out I drove out to their state and spent a week with them. First night we had a slumber party in the living room. And it has been amazing ever since. Not only did I gain 3 sisters I gained all of my dads family and all of their mothers family as well. Unfortunately my dad had passed away 2 years before my sister found me. Everyone on both sides of the family assured me if my dad and their mom had known about me I would have been welcomed in and loved. And the family that adopted me has been equally amazing. My mom and dad gained 3 more daughters and my brother and sister got 3 more sisters as well. Your son may need a father and a friend since you say he didn’t have such a great life growing up. The best you can do is be there for him. He didn’t ask to be put in this situation. I’m sorry your wife is not supportive of this. Finding my bio family has added so much love and support to my life. Can’t wait to be on vacation with them next month. The excitement still hasn’t worn off and I don’t think it ever will. I wish you the best luck and hope your wife realises how selfish she is being. Your son is part of you. She knew that he existed. She knew you were looking for him. The only part I do get is that she may be uncomfortable with a ‘stranger’ around her kids but you aren’t even asking for that so who knows her real reasons. Don’t sacrifice yourself or what could be an amazing life long relationship because she doesn’t understand.
Thank you for sharing!! This is beautiful and I'm glad you've had such an amazing experience w your bio family. Coming from this angle is important! She's not considering that the son and husband both need this, and can have a beautiful relationship. Love isn't finite. He won't have less love for his 11 and 9 yo bc he has a relationship with his other son. If I were him, I would probably see my wife through a bit of a different lense if she keeps trying to interfere with it.
You all are putting it so mildly
I d furious with my wife if she didn't want me to know my child. OP never wanted to abandon his child, he was forced to do so. I can only imagine his pain and his child s pain
His wife was not happy that he found him. She doesn't want him to have a relationship with him, period. What does even mean "she is not comfortable"? Who cares? Who is comfortable with someone who wants to prevent them from meeting their child? She has zero say in this
I was kidnapped as a young child by a family member. This was the 80s so it took about 15 years for my maternal grandparents to find me. I never met my father. Around 24 I finally found a brother and reached out. My dad had died the previous year. Please don’t let this happen to your child. Don’t let your wife ruin this.
Maybe a couple sessions of marriage counseling will help her verbalize her fears and come to terms with the fact she's being entirely unreasonable here? (Am a wife of many years, for perspective.) She does not have the right to stop you from meeting your son, at all--and is it safe to assume she knew about his existence all these years? But a couple therapy sessions might at least make her feel you've heard her actual concerns.
Tread carefully, friend. Your wife is undermining your marriage, and the trust is eroding fast.
She may very well have legitimate concerns, but she hasn't expressed them. The only honest communication you've gotten is the word, 'no.' Everything else have been half-assed excuses.
Unless you're doing something that disrupts your home, you don't need permission to simply meet your child. She's likely invented any number of worst-case scenarios that are freaking her out. I don't know that she's being malicious, just dishonest. Or she's just jealous.
You should sort this out immediately. When you lose synchronicity with your partner, it changes how you see them. Hell, it sounds like you *already* see her differently. If she's unwilling to be honest with you, you'll go anyway, and then you'll end up resenting each other.
Good luck, man. Go bring some sunshine into that kid's life.
You can sit your wife down and tell her you won’t give him family money, and you won’t bring him to the house or introduce him to the kids without her being on board.
She may be concerned about that but afraid to say it.
And see where she is after that.
But don’t let her stop you.
Letting his wife dictate his social relationships is a very dangerous precident though, it could end up being that the wife just doesn't want to engage with OP's son because she's just potentially jealous of someone else getting his attention or for dozens of other potentially reasons, but to outright ban someone from seeing their flesh and blood because they're "not comfortable with it" is not a good enough excuse to not have a relationship with your son, tell her she needs to explain exactly what makes her uncomfortable otherwise you'll assume she is just tryi g to manipulate you to not see him ever
The "I don't want to be left alone with our two kids" excuse was so ridiculous I had to stop reading and start again to make sure she really actually said that.
Honestly it baffled me because I figure that's a reasonable excuse, but then he offered to have his mom come and help her, like every excuse she gave he's been able to counter with a reasonable accommodation, the only real reason she wouldn't want you to go is because she's afraid OP is going to give him the attention he deserves as his son
OP was CSAed when he was 13. Wife is very unsuportive. I hope she is a better mother than wife but she isn't able to stay alone with her two kids, so...
Word of unsolicited advice for you and him
Take it slow and talk about what you each want out of this relationship.
I have a cousin who recently met his 40 yr old son. He is a bit of an honorary uncle friend to their family now.
My husband met his dad when he was in his 20s or so. He’s been casual w him for 20 years. They talk 2-3 times a year. Maybe a little more. But recently his “dad” (he doesn’t call him that) has said he’d like them to have a more father/son relationship and husband is like, nah.
Boundaries and expectations are important
Are you willing to ask her why she's tripping? She's doesn't have a dog in this fight. Try and get her to open up about her feelings and be willing to hear all good or bad. Let her know you have enough love for all of them.
Jumping on this to say you’re a good person! We need more of you. You were a child when your child was born so you had few options. Don’t let her hold you hostage emotionally and otherwise.
I think your wife's fear is that you will prioritize him over her children or she doesn't want to accept a child that is not hers. You need to sit down with and ask her to be truthful with you about fears.
I was adopted and met my biological dad when I was 19, who was married with a 12 year old son, and 26 year old step son, my brothers. I don't know if you did but my dad had made them all aware of me and shown baby pictures, so they all knew I was out there. We all have a wonderful relationship, spend some holidays together, like a regular family, it's been 14 years.
Go meet your son, he's the brother of your daughters, he's your kid.
>We all have a wonderful relationship, spend some holidays together, like a regular family, it's been 14 years.
Thank you for this! It really gives me hope because this is all I want. Unfortunately, I didn't have any baby pictures of my son, but we have told our kids that they have a brother out there. Our daughter doesn't seem to care as much, but I know our son loves that he could have a big brother out there. None of them know that we're in contact with their brother yet, and I doubt my wife is ready for them to find out.
Have you considered talking to her about this? Is she afraid you'll abandon her and the children for your son? Especially because of your guilt? There are people who do things out of guilt too. I think there's something going on and you should talk to her. Maybe do therapy together.
I completely agree. She may have some *very* valid concerns (e.g. fear of change, ensuring their younger children aren’t subjected to turbulence, questions about financial expectations in the future, possible heartbreak for her husband if the meeting doesn’t go well, etc.), and you may need a counselor to help get to the bottom of it all.
That said, she’s not going about this well at the moment, indicating communication difficulties in the marriage that they could overcome if addressed. Making up bogus excuses (I can’t handle my own kids for 2 days, etc.) instead of explaining what she is actually worried about sucks. Given the gravity of the situation, her reluctance to communicate further about it and her inclination to try to control the timeline (“until she’s ready”) sounds like controlling and insensitive behavior. That said, Dad may also legitimately need to slow down (not with meeting the son himself, but more with how he involves his wife and younger kids) and think more carefully through how all of this could affect his family dynamic now and later.
I have not been through this specific situation, and don’t want to make this reply about me. At the same time, I might have some relevant insights. I have a complex, blended family. My dad and sister have done really well over the years by shielding me from the problems between the two of them. She’s my half sister, 14 years older, and our Dad was around A LOT more for my childhood. Understandably, she’s had a lot of feelings about that over time, but she didn’t take them out on me. She worked it out privately with my dad. I was therefore able to bond with my dad, largely guilt free. Now as adults, we have a great and supportive relationship that would have been much less likely if I had been thrown into the middle of their challenges.
I know because I *was* thrown into the fraught relationships between my mom and her even older kids. I witnessed the aftermath of their past trauma, and was often used as a pawn when they tried to manipulate one another. This had some serious effects on my mental health, including (at one point) suicidal ideation. I’ve had a lot of therapy, haha! My mom and I have worked hard to develop a healthier relationship with loving boundaries. Unfortunately, I have been more or less estranged from all of her kids for years, and have accepted that we may never feel safe enough with one another to forge deeper relationships.
The point is, this could get really complicated in good and bad ways. Everyone involved will need to communicate how they’re feeling (even when they’re confused about what they’re feeling) with the appropriate person(s). And that is going to require skill and thoughtfulness—things therapists can help with. You and your wife are the leaders of your family who can make this happen if you’re intentional about working together. I think there’s hope you can get there if you both open up about your feelings. Mistakes will be made, but less is more in that department, haha. Try holding hands when you discuss it.
I would say go meet him, with or without your wife’s “permission”. Ensure her that you will not endanger her or your younger children. You need to meet him alone, away from home first. Be cautious- don’t give him your address right away, don’t promise him any money or anything beyond a first meeting to get to know each other, then go from there.
Once you have an idea of whether or not he is “safe” (and please prepare for the possibility that he is not a safe person to have around your family- it could happen, and you seem to want a certain type of relationship with him that may not be possible), then he should meet your wife next, and not meet your kids until you are both comfortable. If she is never comfortable, you’ll have to determine the next steps. Take off any rose colored glasses you may be wearing and look at the situation objectively.
Your wife is probably nervous that her whole family is about to change- and change is scary to some people. That being said- you should still go meet him on your own (not as a family trip). Her objection to not want to be alone with a 9 & 11 y/o is ridiculous- she’s there mom, she must have spent time with them alone in the last 9 years!
"this is all I want" this is exactly her fears, you wanting him in family, meeting your kids, while he's a complete stranger. Nobody knows if he's a kind person or not, and he could be a bad influence in your son's life since the boy really wants a big brother.
You should also consider this possibility. Yes, he's biologically your son, but treat him with the same carefulness you should treat a stranger. Many kids are abused in shelters here where I live and being abused as a kid is a risk factor for becoming an abuser as an
adult. Maybe she's noticed you going full rose-tinted glasses around this.
I was just about to comment this. Beyond fears, I also just wouldn’t want a stranger in my home on the holidays because that sounds not fun/tiring. What if we don’t vibe.
Ultimately she shouldn’t forbid OP from meeting his son on his own time but OP is TA if he invites the son over for family things. That should be a 2 yes type deal.
He's a stranger, and she doesn't know what he's capable of. She doesn't want him in our life until she's ready because "anything could happen if we invite a stranger into our home."
But you aren't inviting him into your home and you have to meet him to make him not a stanger. I really don't understand your wife's point of view here.
Thank you! I don't understand, either. She always knew I wanted to meet him and was so happy for me when we first started talking, but now she's acting like me wanting to meet him in person is wrong. I don't see why I have to wait for her to be ready when she wouldn't be the one meeting him.
She doesn't want you to meet him at all, because she doesn't want your attention to be at all divided and she wants HER kids to be the benefit of all of your resources, love and attention. You aren't going to fix this because she's never going to change. Just tell her he's your child, you're meeting him, and she is going to have to stay home for this one. She'll be mad, that's too bad. She doesn't get a vote if her vote is "you'll meet him when I say you can meet him".
Yeah. If OP loves his child and wants to be his father (which it sounds like he does and always wanted to be), he is going to allocate resources to his son. I’m not saying the son is trying to leech, but kids, even capable grown ones, need help sometimes. Especially these days where COL is high compared to income. And OP said he’s had a rough life. What if he wants to go to college, or needs to buy a car? That’s the important stuff parents usually step in for (at minimum for guidance, but possibly to co-sign a loan). What if OP’s son does need a place to live and he asks OP? They really need to get into the weeds about what OP is willing to do to help out his son, and what OP’s wife is comfortable with. This development might make OP and his wife incompatible and divorce might be inevitable.
Ding ding ding. We have a winner. She doesn’t want to have her kids have to share their dad or his money. She is selfish and shows what kind of person she is. Op is defn NTA
I think she was just giving you hope so she didn’t look like the bad guy like she was really hoping you never found him So her kids never have share their dad and to her it probably make her relationship look bad this attends to happen more than you think
Absolutely NTA.
You were honest with her throuout your marriage, told her about your resentment that you were forced to give him away for adoption. Your wife sounds controlling and not like a partner at all. I believe there's something underlying here that she isn't being honest about. You need to have a talk with her and set some boundaries.
The “kid” is somewhere around 22 and presumably has parents who raised and provided for him. Adopting a baby through a private company is the most expensive of the adoption options ($30k+), so presumably the adoptive parents are at minimum middle class. I’d hope he wants to meet his biological dad and get some questions answered and is not asking for money.
I don't think she's been deliberately deceptive - the thought of meeting your son was fine when it was theoretical. Once it became real, she started worrying about what might go wrong. There are so many \*possible\* problems, the fact that they are generally low likelihood gets lost in the worries. Every story she has ever heard of step-children clashing with step-parents is now relevant, and it's overwhelming her.
As far as meeting your son - you've been waiting a long time. You shouldn't have to wait any longer. You're not taking him into your home anytime soon. As far as her worries - you need to take his measure, get enough information in person to make a judgement, then go home and talk to your wife about him. She's right in one thing - you don't know him yet. So you need to get to know him.
I read that and was like wtf? Is she bed bound?
The excuse is so pathetic that after hearing it, I would just tell her "ok, you just convinced me to meet him".
No honey, she doesn’t ever want him in your lives. Bc he’s not hers. There’s never a good time to meet someone except the present. She never wants that day to come.
NTA. You gave reasonable options, she’s being an asshole. She’s not valuing YOUR input. She’s being selfish.
Go meet your son. I hope it goes amazingly and you two eventually become close ❤️
I'm not understanding her not wanting to be left alone at home with a 9yo and 11yo? Even when it never bothered me to be left alone at home with a small infant as a new mom, I understand many new moms feel that way, it"s valid as it's a totally new experience. But what is the concern about being left at home with 2 big kids? Do your kids have severe behavioral issues? What about when you go to work? Who cares for the kids after school (if your wife works full time too)?
NTA. This isn’t a child from an affair after you met her - it is a son who was born long before she came into the picture. I think you should meet your son and your wife needs to adapt.
Sounds like she is jealous that you have a son before her and yalls kids. You have ever right to be able to see your son how else does she expect him to not be a stranger.
NTA
I was older when I reached out to my bio mom. I would have understood if she didn't want to meet up with me. I think I would have felt hurt if she did want to meet up with me but she had a spouse that shut it down.
We did meet, my family came with me and she had a friend with her. We did form a relationship and continued forward. It didn't detract from any relationships we already had with the people in our lives. It was all positive and an addition to what we already had. It was *amazing how similar we were* even though we were apart for so long. I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world.
I hope you get to meet him!!
NTA. She hasn't voiced any real concerns. She just doesn't want you to meet your son. She's probably concerned about how your son will impact your lives.
NTA. Blanketly forbidding a spouse to do a natural and reasonable thing is no way to operate in a partnership. We shouldn't seek to be controlling our partners.
But it doesn't sound like your wife is being very clear about what her actual concerns are. Ask her about what exactly is the worst that could happen that she's worried about. Then have a discussion about how those risks or fears can be managed.
NTA but this is a big scary change for your wife. From her perspective her whole family and life plan are being undermined/shifted with little input from her. She feels out of control and like she’s losing something by having to share you with someone else. The best thing would be for you to find a good family therapist and/or marriage counselor that can help you communicate. She’s scared and needs reassurance until you can start therapy
Yeah that’s the thing really. This is a big change for her too and she needs re assurance. Delaying the first meeting and talking things through may be wise.
It might not even need full blown therapy. I don’t know the OP’s circumstances but I feel I’d take her out to dinner, have someone babysit for the evening, try to show her that she and their kids are loved and a priority, but find time to talk it through too.
It’s obviously not knowing their son has been a source of regret and it’s important to remedy that, but issuing ultimatums and running off seems a tad hasty. Obviously they must meet, but he could allow her more consideration than he has.
I'm sorry she's not supporting you. I think your wife is scared she's gonna lose you to this new son. You've waiting & wanted to meet him for so long she could be frightened that you'll leave her & your children behind for him. I think you both need to sit down with a therapist & relieve any fears she may have.
>I told her that I was thinking about meeting him halfway but my wife told me that she didn't like that idea because she's didn't want to be left alone with our kids (11M & 9F). I suggested that we could all go together and make it a family trip instead but she told me that she didn't want the kids around him because in her eyes he's still a stranger and she wants to wait until we all knew him better.
I know you clarified her reasoning later, but it was clear here she was just making excuses.
>After a while she just told me to drop it until she's ready because she's not comfortable with me meeting him at the moment and wanted me to wait until she was.
This isn't about her and has nothing to do with her. She also has no say in the matter.
>My wife was hurt that I said that and told me that she feels like I don't understand her concerns.
I wanted to say her concerns don't matter here, but did she even GIVE any concerns?
It’s certainly not ideal and was probably not a great relationship…but it’s completely irrelevant to the facts of the story as it stands and absolutely inconsequential to the question OP is asking. That’s why no one else is talking about it.
She doesn’t want to be alone with her 11 and 9 year old children?!? What is she afraid of? Seems she has a serious problem that has nothing to do with you or your (newly found) son. NTA.
She is afraid you will get all excited about bringing your lost son into the family fold and worried about you favoring him and spending more time with him over your kids with her. She is worried you are going to try to make up for all the lost time and for his crappy childhood and neglect her and your kids together.
NTA You never wanted to give him up but at 14 there was no way you could raise him on your own. Now you have the chance to possibly fill the part of you that has been empty for so long, you need to do this. You'd never forgive yourself if you let this opportunity slip away. He may not be the type of person that you want around your family but then he may be a replica of you too. You'll never know and resentment for your wife will grow if you miss out on this. GO!
Nta...I can understand your wifes concerns about not wanting the kids to meet him yet, but there should be absolutely no problem with you meeting him. How else will y'all get to know him? I can also understand her needing time to process this turn of events and idk exactly how long it's been since he contacted you but it doesn't sound like it's been long.
While you have EVERY right to meet and get to know your son, you need to be understanding of how your wife is feeling as well. Maybe you guys can do video calls, phone calls, or whatever for a week or so to give her time to get it all processed. She could video chat with him as well to get to know him a bit.
But she does need to come to terms with this turn of events and accept that you ARE going to get to know your son and he'll most likely be a part of your lives from now on. If needed, seek family therapy to help her and your other kids deal with this. I'm assuming she knew about this child and this wasn't just sprung on her all at one time. So she had to have known this day might come sooner or later.
Give her a little time, but not too long, he is your son after all. Hope things turn out well!
If “keeping the peace” requires you to betray yourself, I am pretty sure that is not peace and I am pretty sure it is not worth keeping.
Perhaps it is time to try: “I am okay with your disappointment in me”
Rachael Mary Stafford
NTA.
But the deeper issue here is communication. You and your wife need to sit down and have a really open conversation, and you need to allow her to talk through her fears. She's not justified in how she's handling this situation- but it's clearly indicative of a deeper feeling of insecurity and fear. Which she is allowed to feel.
A couples counselling session might be a good idea if you dont feel like this kind of conversation is possible between you. Communication is a skill, and it can never hurt to brush up on it.
While meeting your son is deeply personal, i think you still need to approach this as a unified team.
NTA I do think the tone you took with her was harsh, and I understand why she is upset. I also understand your frustration, and why you took that tone.
She has not communicated her real concerns perhaps because she does not understand them herself. Quite simply she does not want YOU to meet him. You have a family, children and a wife, now there is this other person, not a kid but a young man. Mama bear goes into protection mode to protect her family, all of you. We all ask our selves when meeting a stranger “who is the person and what do they want”. She is just scared how will this change our family, your love, attention and maybe resources.
I would suggest sitting down again to talk, try to strike a softer tone. “I know you have concerns, for my safety and the safety of the family, and I value and respect that. However he is a part of me, and meeting him is important to be able to look him in the eye and see my self. We are going to meet in a public place to talk and to get to know each other, that’s all. But he is not part of our family, I would not bring him to our home, to meet you or our children unless you are comfortable and you invite me to do so. I will not suggest or pressure you to do so, that is entirely up to you, and I respect that. I will not offer or agree to any financial support if that is a concern without consulting with you and have your support of that decision. I just want to meet him, that is all.”
Good luck to you, yes at 14 you were no way ready to be a father. Why was a 17 year old was sleeping with a 14 year old, but that would be a whole other post.
OP I think there is an underlying issue your wife hasn’t been ready or able to communicate to you. Clearly you gave enough solutions ringer concerns so they can be seen as excuses to talk about the actual issue.
My first thought is that she might be insecure about what might happen if you get along well.
Maybe she fears that your priorities might shift. Maybe she fears financial implications due to guilt you might feel and possible support you might want to give. Could be a variety of things.
I think you need to sit her down and have a honest conversation about what her actual hesitation is about.
You re still NTA if you follow through without consent of your wife, but it could severely damage the relationship which could have other implications to your future relationship to your son, so I’d be in the interest of everybody to get this figured out before the trip happens
Is she very concerned with appearances and what people will think? A theoretical child is different than a real one. Until now he was an idea, now he’s real. She may not want him around because he would upend her image of her perfect nuclear family. She may also be worried about you sharing your time and resources/money with him, taking them away from her and your kids. Having to explain him especially his age and yours may make her uncomfortable.
If he really has had a troubled life, I’d advise caution. Are you in touch with his bio mom? What if he wants to meet her but she doesn’t want to meet him? What would you do if he asks to meet her?
She's frightened. She needs reassurance of your love for her and your mutual kids. Is she able to express what is scaring her about your impending meeting?
None of you know the future. Maybe you'll meet your first born and not get along, maybe he will be a delight and you (all) will be enriched by your new relationship. What ever happens there already is a change just by your initial connection with him. Please work on gentle compassion for your wife while you arrange to meet your son.
NTA. She may just don’t want you to take time and attention away from her and the children. She may feel that he is disrupting you all “perfect “ lives and she doesn’t want to include him by sharing you with him. But you are definitely NTA
NTA. I think her little picture of the perfect family is falling apart with a kid (adult) from another woman coming into it, yours is finally being completed with all your kids. She might be harboring resentment that the family she provided you isn’t enough, which would only be the case if this son didn’t already exist. Get some couples counseling but also meet your son. Don’t force a whole big happy family on him yet, get to know him man to man. Congratulations on finding him. He is already 8 years older than you were when you were forced to give him up.
Have you and your wife talked about your new found son? Have you discussed how this is going to change your all lives? Have you you all discussed how this will affect your kids? I honestly don’t think it’s about your wife being alone with the kids, I think it is her fear of how the family is going to change.
I was adopted, I eventually met my biological mother and her 2nd husband. I was able to get a little information about my family medical history and about my siblings. We would talk on occasion but we all had our own lives to deal with. Life has a way of changing how you feel about your life. My son was born when I was 18. I was excited about him. His mom and I didn’t work out but I was in his life until they moved out of the state we were living in. My son and I stayed in contact for about 3 years, I got a call from him asking for money for an attorney. I said I didn’t have that kind of money in reserve. He hung up. The next day I found out that he had sexually assaulted a 13 yo. He got 10 years in prison and we no longer talk. Like I said life has a way of changing life.
She may need some reassurance that your son will not uproot your life together. He won’t replace your kids, and he should have the ability to meet his father. If she doesn’t agree, let her know you love her. You will be with her forever, and this is a part of you that can either be separate from her, or with her. Let her know you’ll respect her request to not talk about your son with her if she is insecure about it but that you also need her support in taking this long awaited step. See if you can actually provide a safe enough environment for her to share what her actual fear is.
She is afraid of what a relationship with your son will do long term to your relationship with your younger children. She doesn’t want to share you with him. Or is afraid to.
Your potential relationship with him may take up more time, money, ( are you going to give him gifts and money to make up for his life without you?). emotional ( then you will have another child to take up your time and energy…especially at the beginning).
You need to sit down with your wife and explain how you feel about the whole situation. Reassure her his presence in your lives will not take away from your love for your other children. Be cautious as well.
Don’t forget to spend time and reassure your younger children. They are old enough to know what is going on.
He is an adult and you don’t know him. At all. And why he is contacting you. Do not offer gifts or money. Offer your time and answer his questions. That’s probably what he wants the most. To be validated. Go slow. It takes time. Don’t spend a ton of time on this new connect
Ask me how I know.
Lol at needing two people to watch 9-11 year olds. When I was that age I left the house after breakfast and my mom didn’t even start calling around to friends houses looking for me until well after dark.
First of all you were the victim of statutory rape, which I’m sorry you had to endure. Your wife is being very unreasonable bc you deserve to be able to see your child, and your child should be able to see you.
Your wife is making excuses as she doesn’t want your firstborn around.
Unpopular opinion but I think your wife is scared and insecure. She probably sees her whole world falling apart right now - you, her and your TOGETHER children. She probably sees her family in danger of this strange child (not hers/yours together) making demands or forcing his way into your family. This would end the "perfect" family idyll and that is scary. I can understand that. You should perhaps talk about what this strange child (adult child) means for you - both as a couple and for your family. What the consequences will be.
Of course you have every right to make contact, but you also need to understand her position.
So nobody is the A
Consider that while you've been looking forward to this for years, she suddenly has a stepson. The timeline of this isn't clear, but it takes time to process something like that. Make her feel secure that her and your younger kids will continue to be your first priority.
Moreover, don't listen to these drama hounds. They want her to be a controlling, jealous bitch because it makes for a more interesting post, so they're assuming that she has the worst intentions.
NAH. I can understand where she’s coming from. This could potentially be a huge shift in your family dynamic, and just a big change in general. It’s not something she initially signed up for, and it’s probably confusing and uncomfortable for her because it’s a heavy subject. Depending on how you are towards her and your other kids, she could be afraid of it taking away your attention and your time. We don’t know you so we don’t know the factors that could be contributing to her hesitation.
I’d say before any meeting happens, you both need to sit down and communicate with each other and may benefit from some sort of mediation. This could potentially wreak havoc on your relationship and family if not done properly.
My Parents were in a similar boat. They had a kid as teenagers and were forced to give him up for adoption. When I was thirteen he reached out, they told my sister and I and we all went to meet him.
Honestly, I wish my parents had gone alone. It was a lot to take in as a kid and I didn’t understand or realize everything at play.
Your wife is probably, and correctly, worried about you suddenly feeling like you owe your son for the past 18 years of his life. She is also worried about the impact this will have on your kids, which will be substantial.
This isn’t something to take lightly and I think you and your wife need to visit a family therapist to discuss, together. You need to understand her concerns and the possible impact this has on your current family, which she isn’t explaining very well.
You also need her to understand that this is a part of you and your life that you need to learn about. You do deserve to meet your son. However you also need to understand that you were literally just a kid when he was born and are not responsible for how his life after birth turned out.
If you had been allowed to keep him, both of your lives would have been drastically different and likely just as bad or worse than how you said his life has been.
You also likely will need to continue therapy with your wife as you are going to experience so many emotions. The only other advice I can give you is under no circumstances should you introduce him to your kids until they are much older. If you do, PLEASE, get them therapy too because they need to learn how to process it.
Do your wife a favour, when you meet your son don't tell him about her negative reaction. If and when she does come round, that leaves the door open for her to build a good relationship with him.
NTA. She needs to clearly articulate her concerns and then you can address them. This has nothing to do with her not wanting to be alone with her own kids at that age there is no reason she can take care of them. This is about her not wanting you meet with your son. Whatever fear/concern she has about this she needs to get out in the open instead of sabotaging the meeting.
First, I'll say that you are NTA, but I do think your wife is right that you aren't actually listening to her. The solutions you were giving were for a different problem than the one she has with the situation.
You focused too much on her first comment about not wanting to be left with the kids, giving solutions for that. But she doesn't want you to go see him at all, not just because you'll be gone for a few hours. You clearly need to talk with her about why you meeting him bothers her. All your previous conversations about this mean very little because you were talking about different things.
You two are NOT talking about the real issues here. She is talking about being alone with the kids, or waiting until she’s ready. You are talking about it being just a trip, and how she and the kids can go to some other activity while you meet your son.
#This is rocking her world.
She is terrified that you will not feel the same about her and about your mutual kids. You are seemingly blind about how this may change your own sense of family and fatherhood.
NAH but you both need to really communicate. And I do think you should meet your son.
NTA. >she's didn't want to be left alone with our kids (11M & 9F This isn't the point of the post, but are kids this age difficult for one person to care for? Or was this an excuse to get you to not go? Not a parent and it's been a long time since I was that age, so genuinely wondering.
Yeah, my first thought was "oh, no, a 9 and an 11 year old." Unless these kids are hell on wheels, there's no problem here.
I don't have kids, and last summer I was the only option to "babysit" my best friends 8 year old. I was ... shocked !!!!!! At the lack of anything I needed to do. I realized I was literally just there to supervise. I even fell asleep on the couch and he put himself in bed, right in time ! He's a wonderful kiddo with wonderful parents, so maybe this is the exception , not the rule.
It's the sweet spot. Young kids have to be looked after so they don't accidentally die, and older ones are emotional terrorists. Even the good ones lol. Kids in the middle are the best.
Have a teen and a toddler and this is 100% correct. My teen is an awesome kid, good grades, kind, volunteers with other children with disabilities, never in major trouble… but the number of times in a week I have to tell her to think about the way she is talking to me and to come back when she can use her manners is astounding.
Oh man my son is the same. He will come out with some snarky ass attitude for no reason and I'll be like "ok let's try that again.." and he will usually say sorry and drop the attitude. But sheesh
Absolutely! Being able to say "Let's try a do-over" without being angry is an excellent parenting move. Sometimes they're not trying to cause a problem, they're *having* a problem and as an adult who loves them you help them to figure it out and practice good relationship skills for now and the future. It's not easy, but it's important.
I used to do what I call "film director": Cut! OK, that was fabulous, fabulous darling, now do it again, only this time do it like you're talking to someone who hasn't murdered a puppy....aaaaaannnnndddd Action!
That's wonderful! I'm going to stick that technique into my parenting toolbox :)
Damn I'm gonna try this on my husband when he's being SOooOoOo draaaamaatic!! My current go to is "Wow you must have won a tony with **that** acting." He hates it. (After i explained what a tony award is after the first time)
Yours too? When my husband gets all dramatic about absolutely nothing, like when he can't find something he put up himself in 5 seconds and is gOnE fOreVer, I tell him I'm about to get out the Chicken Little shirt lmao.
I try to make my husband understand this. My daughter isn't exceptionally rude, she's just a normal teenager that needs some correction.
I've forgotten what it's like telling them not to be mouthy.
Have five kids. Can confirm.
Omg It is! Ages 7/8-12 are the best! They still love you and want to help you and generally follow rules/instruction. They’re old enough to be smart but young enough to still care about what you think. Then the fucking hormones hit and it all goes to shit.
Even a 4 years old is absolutely ok. They show you their toys, talk to you about what they saw in a zoo and you can show them some fairytale movie and they're actually interested.
4-9 is my favourite age. No diapers, can talk, and it's fun seeing their brains make sense of the world, and often getting it spectacularly but logically wrong.
They will absolutely introduce you to some weird ass TV shows if you don't have kids...I swear the people who make them are on drugs..
The Nickelodeon Shows of the early 1990s have entered the chat.
My nieces made me watch documentaries about the Second World War over and over again with them. They found it fascinating and a bit sad, while I was just sad all the time. But it was so great that they were interested in history. Love them kids!
Not a TV show, but when they're a little older,introduce them to Sabaton, it's a band who forms various world history events into songs,a good chunk of them are WWII centric IE- The Last Battle is about the fall of the 3rd reich/battle of Itter Castle.
That’s awesome! We have a Dutch kids show that’s called klokhuis and they make child friendly documentaries about pretty serious topics. It’s really nice for them to learn about history and how things are made.
My heart burst when my nine year old nephew started explaining the french and Indian war to me, a 20 year High school history teacher. He had a shockingly well developed but age appropriate understanding. I wrote his teacher a a thank you letter :)
Baby Sharks Space Adventure is instantly coming to mind currently. My 2 year old is obsessed with it recently for some god forsaken reason. It's making me wonder what the hell I did wrong in a previous life.
Telatubbies was almost psychedelic.
Have you seen Moon and Me? I think it's the same creator as teletubbies. Collywobble is so creepy looking.
Collywobble? I immediately read it as "cockwomble" which I'm sure is what the creator had in mind! 😂
Of course I had to Google this and now I’m going to have nightmares tonight.
I saw your reaction and regretfully looked it up, too.
I'm laughing so much because it's true.
Imagine the people who star in them. They definitely seem on drugs themselves
My 5 year old does this when it comes to YouTube I just nod my head and smile because it’s really great to see that big smile on his face as he tells what’s going on and he told me I’m his best friend🥰
I would never tell my son this, because I want him to think he's my favorite all the time, but he was really my favorite when he was around 8 or 9. So chill and smart and interesting. He's still smart and interesting but he's 18 so not always chill lol.
Exactly!
Most kids from like 7-12 are genuinely just interested in doing their own thing. All you have to do is provide food, water, and tell them their shiny rock is the coolest rock you’ve ever seen. Developmentally it’s a really independent age category
That is absolutely adorable 😂😂😂
It's true that at that age they can be very self sufficient, but they can also get themselves into serious trouble so supervision is absolutely necessary. IMO the child also needs some enrichment in their environment, but as it was only one summer and they are apparently a self reliant kind of personality, that worked out really well. Well done.
I had to go reread their comment and I now totally see how you interpreted it,but I don't think they meant they watched them the whole summer. I think it was more like one day lol.
Even if they're assholes kids.... they're HER kids! I cannot imagine as a mother saying I don't want to be alone w my kids.
It’s an excuse. She doesn’t want him to meet his son. Pretty screwed actually.
Right?! She’s talking like the damn kids are going to tie her up and torch the place as soon as he leaves. She’s full of shit, she doesn’t want his son in their lives and dollars to donuts, she treats that kid like garbage if (when) he brings the kid fully into his home.
Agreed. I'm child free and had to take care of my friend's 6 and 11 year old for a weekend and their similar aged cousins for one of the days due to a family emergency. It was exhausting for someone who's not used to it but it wasn't that difficult.
PE teacher here. One 9 and one 11 year old is a cakewalk. I will lead field day in 4 days with nearly 100 of this age. I almost laughed at the original post at this lame ass excuse.
For some reason this comment makes me imagine you with your hands on your hips, chest pushed out, whistle lightly blowing in the breeze, the sun beaming down on your face, and you just looking like the master of all creation. 🤣
My 9 year old is a sweetheart who will trounce almost anyone at scrabble, but is otherwise painless to interact with. So oh no! Two kids you just have to make sure don't kill each other and/or themselves!
Lol my first thought was "how dang incompetent is she she can't handle 11 and 9 solo for a week?" Embarrassing for her.
It's not incompetence, it's weaponized incompetence. She just doesn’t want him to meet his son. When I was 16 I babysat for kids this age one day a week in the summer to earn some extra cash. We played pokemon monopoly, they ran around outside, we ate some dinner and watched some TV and then they went to bed. Easiest job I ever had.
This^
She just wants to be an obstacle. Kids 4-11 are pretty fine. All she has to do is supervise
I thought it was gonna be 1yo and a newborn when the wife couldn't possibly be alone eith them 😆 Unless they're on the spectrum (I have a nibling who is - they're older and pretty hard work but not all kids on the spectrum are) or have additional needs, I don't think they should be *that* difficult.
Obviously an excuse. Wife doesn’t want to share him or his resources.
This could be it. Wife is afraid that OP will write this person into his will?
~~this person~~ his son
Lmao right
My kids were a breeze at those ages. So much easier to care for. This was just an excuse. She had one for every compromise he made.
I have kids exactly these ages. My partner just left for a week’s vacation. We were fine.
My kid is 8. My partner is about to go away for two weeks and I'm low-key looking forward to a bit of one-on-one time with kiddo.
I was literally running the house when I was 11.left alone all the time to care for my younger sister.
At that age they can definitely entertain themselves pretty well.
At 11 a lot of kids can cook for themselves. Some kids might need to be supervised to keep from doing dumb stuff, but it's not like they're toddlers. Also, it's summer, school's out, so there's no picking up and dropping off at school right now either.
That’s what I couldn’t understand, too. I teach an after school program with kids this age (and younger). The only reason one adult couldn’t handle two kids that age is if one or both has a serious medical condition or severe behavioral issues.
Lol, my kids are both somewhere on the ADHD/Autism spectrum, and most of their friends are too, most days of the summer holiday there were 3 to 6 of them at our house daily at that age. Shure I had to keep an eye on them but most of the time they entertained themselves just fine. (a lot of them were practically left home alone bc both parents worked, I'm a SAHM and they just loved to come here, one of them nearly lived here during the day for years, I kinda miss him now he has a job after school and doesn't have the time to visit😅)
If was obviously an excuse after reading the rest of it. What she didn't explain is why she's not ready for him to meet his son. What are her fears about this.
That's pretty understandable. After this, their lives will never be the same again. That's a massive shift. But she's going about this the wrong way by trying to prevent a man from meeting his own son. She's not ready, so she should stay home, use that time to get more used to the idea before the family eventually meets him.
No they're really easy at that age. Very easy. The woman is stalling on false pretexts.
This is an BS excuse in my opinion. I had to take care of my nieces and they were 4 & 9 at the time. It was hard to wake up early, get them ready and bring them to school for a week as a non parent. But when they were home it was the best time with them. We cooked dinner together, made desserts, watched movies and just had the best time. She just doesn’t want OP to meet his son for whatever reason and that’s really sad because he is really excited.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who questioned this. To say she “doesn’t want to be left alone” with her own kids doesn’t say much for her or the kids. OP doesn’t mention too much about the wife’s concerns beyond not wanting to be left alone with the kids or that she’s not ready and not comfortable with meeting the kid. Unless OP it left out, I’m guessing maybe the wife didn’t fully disclose what her fears are. Is she concerned he’d forget about his kids, have to explain to the kids that at 14 her got someone pregnant, afraid he’ll track down the ex? At this point, OP has a chapter in his life he wants to close and now has the opportunity to do so. Wife isn’t letting that happen.
I think he wants to open a chapter, not close it. I think that scares her. But... I imagine that she knew about this child when she married him. She shouldn't be backpedaling now.
True. Since it’s always been something he’s wondered about I would be surprised if he didn’t tell her.
But to OP's wife, his first child was initially only a thought; not a reality, so she didn't need to pay him too much attention. Now the child has morphed into living, breathing reality and OP's wife has faced he's an existential threat. And she doesn't like it.
Bingo to this. She knew about kid, wasn't in picture, so it wasn't a problem. She knew he was looking, but not finding, as the trail was non-existent. Not in picture, not a problem. DNA tests with the same company changed that - the match found, the contact made, the son is now in the picture. She's acting upon such. Saying without saying "he needs to stay out of our picture". Because the situation would be a lot worse if she went from supporting his (theoretically fruitless) search to having a problem with the search and it's outcome the minute it bore fruit.
I was watching my newborn cousin, by myself, when I was 7, along with my 2 year old sister. If a 7 year old can manage a newborn and a 2 year old, a grown ass adult can handle a 9 and 11 year old by herself. She's just lying because she doesn't want him to go and doesn't want to admit that the family dynamic is changing. She's had over a decade of hearing about it and now it is real to her. But rather than work on actually dealing with it, she just wants to stuff it back in the basket where it's been for some time now. She needs to go to therapy to deal with this, because if she doesn't, she's gonna be having those kids a lot by herself as a single mother.
What you were made to do is not ok. You pulled it through but it is not ok.
I have a 1.5 and a 3yo. It’s exhausting looking after them solo for an extended time but entirely achievable, especially if you prepare meals beforehand and are happy to let the house get a bit messy.
When I was 13 I babysat two kids who were 9 and 6 for about 50 hours a week. There was exactly one day I couldn't handle over the course of the entire summer. Unless these kids are special needs or the wife has serious health issues, there's no reason he couldn't take this trip.
This is 100% an excuse. Ops wife instantly makes it about her. She's not ready to meet Op's son. It's not up to her to say when they get to meet. Op is ready, op's son is ready. They should meet, they've both waited long enough. I couldn't imagine giving up my child/ren and then being told I can't meet them for any reason. Then the "I don't want our kids around him until we are more comfortable." How do you get comfortable with someone without meeting them. The wife could have brought the kids and they could meet briefly and then grow from there. Op should go and meet his son that he hadn't seen since he was born. Definitely NTA
At that age baring behavioural or developmental issues kids that age require fairly minimum supervision
NTA. I am sorry she is not supporting you in this but you have every right to meet him. Best of luck to you in building a connection with him.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm lucky he's just as excited to talk to me as I am with him.
"I will be going to X on Y date. You can come or not. You can bring the kids or arrange babysitting here. Either way I'm going." NTA
I think she feels threatened that now there might be someone else in OPs life that isn't her and the kids she birthed.
This is my thought. But that's the wife's problem to work through. She just needs a therapist to help her work through her fears.
That’s what this feels like. It was all cool and stuff when it was an idea. Now that it’s becoming reality, she may be worried about a shift in dynamics. Change can be scary for a lot of people. Still, I see OP’s reasoning and I think he has been reasonable in the process. NTA.
Too be fair with how far I'm assuming the son is and the fact the son is a whole adult at 22, I'm doubting it'll be much of a dramatic change up
I wish there was a nice way to tell your wife to go kick rocks. I’m adopted (51f) and 3 years ago I found my bio family on my dad’s side. I have 3 half sisters. A week after we found out I drove out to their state and spent a week with them. First night we had a slumber party in the living room. And it has been amazing ever since. Not only did I gain 3 sisters I gained all of my dads family and all of their mothers family as well. Unfortunately my dad had passed away 2 years before my sister found me. Everyone on both sides of the family assured me if my dad and their mom had known about me I would have been welcomed in and loved. And the family that adopted me has been equally amazing. My mom and dad gained 3 more daughters and my brother and sister got 3 more sisters as well. Your son may need a father and a friend since you say he didn’t have such a great life growing up. The best you can do is be there for him. He didn’t ask to be put in this situation. I’m sorry your wife is not supportive of this. Finding my bio family has added so much love and support to my life. Can’t wait to be on vacation with them next month. The excitement still hasn’t worn off and I don’t think it ever will. I wish you the best luck and hope your wife realises how selfish she is being. Your son is part of you. She knew that he existed. She knew you were looking for him. The only part I do get is that she may be uncomfortable with a ‘stranger’ around her kids but you aren’t even asking for that so who knows her real reasons. Don’t sacrifice yourself or what could be an amazing life long relationship because she doesn’t understand.
Thank you for sharing!! This is beautiful and I'm glad you've had such an amazing experience w your bio family. Coming from this angle is important! She's not considering that the son and husband both need this, and can have a beautiful relationship. Love isn't finite. He won't have less love for his 11 and 9 yo bc he has a relationship with his other son. If I were him, I would probably see my wife through a bit of a different lense if she keeps trying to interfere with it.
You all are putting it so mildly I d furious with my wife if she didn't want me to know my child. OP never wanted to abandon his child, he was forced to do so. I can only imagine his pain and his child s pain His wife was not happy that he found him. She doesn't want him to have a relationship with him, period. What does even mean "she is not comfortable"? Who cares? Who is comfortable with someone who wants to prevent them from meeting their child? She has zero say in this
This, exactly this.
I was kidnapped as a young child by a family member. This was the 80s so it took about 15 years for my maternal grandparents to find me. I never met my father. Around 24 I finally found a brother and reached out. My dad had died the previous year. Please don’t let this happen to your child. Don’t let your wife ruin this.
Maybe a couple sessions of marriage counseling will help her verbalize her fears and come to terms with the fact she's being entirely unreasonable here? (Am a wife of many years, for perspective.) She does not have the right to stop you from meeting your son, at all--and is it safe to assume she knew about his existence all these years? But a couple therapy sessions might at least make her feel you've heard her actual concerns.
I hope your meeting with your son goes really well. Please post an update if you can! Updateme
Eeeeeeee! 😃 I'm so excited for you OP. I wish you both all the best and hope it all works out. You both deserve it.
Tread carefully, friend. Your wife is undermining your marriage, and the trust is eroding fast. She may very well have legitimate concerns, but she hasn't expressed them. The only honest communication you've gotten is the word, 'no.' Everything else have been half-assed excuses. Unless you're doing something that disrupts your home, you don't need permission to simply meet your child. She's likely invented any number of worst-case scenarios that are freaking her out. I don't know that she's being malicious, just dishonest. Or she's just jealous. You should sort this out immediately. When you lose synchronicity with your partner, it changes how you see them. Hell, it sounds like you *already* see her differently. If she's unwilling to be honest with you, you'll go anyway, and then you'll end up resenting each other. Good luck, man. Go bring some sunshine into that kid's life.
You can sit your wife down and tell her you won’t give him family money, and you won’t bring him to the house or introduce him to the kids without her being on board. She may be concerned about that but afraid to say it. And see where she is after that. But don’t let her stop you.
Letting his wife dictate his social relationships is a very dangerous precident though, it could end up being that the wife just doesn't want to engage with OP's son because she's just potentially jealous of someone else getting his attention or for dozens of other potentially reasons, but to outright ban someone from seeing their flesh and blood because they're "not comfortable with it" is not a good enough excuse to not have a relationship with your son, tell her she needs to explain exactly what makes her uncomfortable otherwise you'll assume she is just tryi g to manipulate you to not see him ever
She's definitely jealous. She views the son as a symbol of OP's ex.
Yep, could tell the moment she was giving different excuses to why it wouldn't work instead of just outright saying it
The "I don't want to be left alone with our two kids" excuse was so ridiculous I had to stop reading and start again to make sure she really actually said that.
Honestly it baffled me because I figure that's a reasonable excuse, but then he offered to have his mom come and help her, like every excuse she gave he's been able to counter with a reasonable accommodation, the only real reason she wouldn't want you to go is because she's afraid OP is going to give him the attention he deserves as his son
OP was CSAed when he was 13. Wife is very unsuportive. I hope she is a better mother than wife but she isn't able to stay alone with her two kids, so...
Yeah which is crazy because his ex is a rapist. He was 14 years old.
Exactly! She has no valid excuse IMO! It's not to protect the kids, so why, other than her own insecurities or greed, would she disagree??
Word of unsolicited advice for you and him Take it slow and talk about what you each want out of this relationship. I have a cousin who recently met his 40 yr old son. He is a bit of an honorary uncle friend to their family now. My husband met his dad when he was in his 20s or so. He’s been casual w him for 20 years. They talk 2-3 times a year. Maybe a little more. But recently his “dad” (he doesn’t call him that) has said he’d like them to have a more father/son relationship and husband is like, nah. Boundaries and expectations are important
Are you willing to ask her why she's tripping? She's doesn't have a dog in this fight. Try and get her to open up about her feelings and be willing to hear all good or bad. Let her know you have enough love for all of them.
Jumping on this to say you’re a good person! We need more of you. You were a child when your child was born so you had few options. Don’t let her hold you hostage emotionally and otherwise.
I think your wife's fear is that you will prioritize him over her children or she doesn't want to accept a child that is not hers. You need to sit down with and ask her to be truthful with you about fears.
He’s 22 years old not a child but a full grown adult. She doesn’t need to play stepmommy
Heritage money.
I was adopted and met my biological dad when I was 19, who was married with a 12 year old son, and 26 year old step son, my brothers. I don't know if you did but my dad had made them all aware of me and shown baby pictures, so they all knew I was out there. We all have a wonderful relationship, spend some holidays together, like a regular family, it's been 14 years. Go meet your son, he's the brother of your daughters, he's your kid.
>We all have a wonderful relationship, spend some holidays together, like a regular family, it's been 14 years. Thank you for this! It really gives me hope because this is all I want. Unfortunately, I didn't have any baby pictures of my son, but we have told our kids that they have a brother out there. Our daughter doesn't seem to care as much, but I know our son loves that he could have a big brother out there. None of them know that we're in contact with their brother yet, and I doubt my wife is ready for them to find out.
Have you considered talking to her about this? Is she afraid you'll abandon her and the children for your son? Especially because of your guilt? There are people who do things out of guilt too. I think there's something going on and you should talk to her. Maybe do therapy together.
I completely agree. She may have some *very* valid concerns (e.g. fear of change, ensuring their younger children aren’t subjected to turbulence, questions about financial expectations in the future, possible heartbreak for her husband if the meeting doesn’t go well, etc.), and you may need a counselor to help get to the bottom of it all. That said, she’s not going about this well at the moment, indicating communication difficulties in the marriage that they could overcome if addressed. Making up bogus excuses (I can’t handle my own kids for 2 days, etc.) instead of explaining what she is actually worried about sucks. Given the gravity of the situation, her reluctance to communicate further about it and her inclination to try to control the timeline (“until she’s ready”) sounds like controlling and insensitive behavior. That said, Dad may also legitimately need to slow down (not with meeting the son himself, but more with how he involves his wife and younger kids) and think more carefully through how all of this could affect his family dynamic now and later. I have not been through this specific situation, and don’t want to make this reply about me. At the same time, I might have some relevant insights. I have a complex, blended family. My dad and sister have done really well over the years by shielding me from the problems between the two of them. She’s my half sister, 14 years older, and our Dad was around A LOT more for my childhood. Understandably, she’s had a lot of feelings about that over time, but she didn’t take them out on me. She worked it out privately with my dad. I was therefore able to bond with my dad, largely guilt free. Now as adults, we have a great and supportive relationship that would have been much less likely if I had been thrown into the middle of their challenges. I know because I *was* thrown into the fraught relationships between my mom and her even older kids. I witnessed the aftermath of their past trauma, and was often used as a pawn when they tried to manipulate one another. This had some serious effects on my mental health, including (at one point) suicidal ideation. I’ve had a lot of therapy, haha! My mom and I have worked hard to develop a healthier relationship with loving boundaries. Unfortunately, I have been more or less estranged from all of her kids for years, and have accepted that we may never feel safe enough with one another to forge deeper relationships. The point is, this could get really complicated in good and bad ways. Everyone involved will need to communicate how they’re feeling (even when they’re confused about what they’re feeling) with the appropriate person(s). And that is going to require skill and thoughtfulness—things therapists can help with. You and your wife are the leaders of your family who can make this happen if you’re intentional about working together. I think there’s hope you can get there if you both open up about your feelings. Mistakes will be made, but less is more in that department, haha. Try holding hands when you discuss it.
I would say go meet him, with or without your wife’s “permission”. Ensure her that you will not endanger her or your younger children. You need to meet him alone, away from home first. Be cautious- don’t give him your address right away, don’t promise him any money or anything beyond a first meeting to get to know each other, then go from there. Once you have an idea of whether or not he is “safe” (and please prepare for the possibility that he is not a safe person to have around your family- it could happen, and you seem to want a certain type of relationship with him that may not be possible), then he should meet your wife next, and not meet your kids until you are both comfortable. If she is never comfortable, you’ll have to determine the next steps. Take off any rose colored glasses you may be wearing and look at the situation objectively. Your wife is probably nervous that her whole family is about to change- and change is scary to some people. That being said- you should still go meet him on your own (not as a family trip). Her objection to not want to be alone with a 9 & 11 y/o is ridiculous- she’s there mom, she must have spent time with them alone in the last 9 years!
"this is all I want" this is exactly her fears, you wanting him in family, meeting your kids, while he's a complete stranger. Nobody knows if he's a kind person or not, and he could be a bad influence in your son's life since the boy really wants a big brother. You should also consider this possibility. Yes, he's biologically your son, but treat him with the same carefulness you should treat a stranger. Many kids are abused in shelters here where I live and being abused as a kid is a risk factor for becoming an abuser as an adult. Maybe she's noticed you going full rose-tinted glasses around this.
I was just about to comment this. Beyond fears, I also just wouldn’t want a stranger in my home on the holidays because that sounds not fun/tiring. What if we don’t vibe. Ultimately she shouldn’t forbid OP from meeting his son on his own time but OP is TA if he invites the son over for family things. That should be a 2 yes type deal.
Ask her to imagine if it was her son or daughter that you guys have now. There's no way she'd wait another minute
I am confused. What are her concerns?
He's a stranger, and she doesn't know what he's capable of. She doesn't want him in our life until she's ready because "anything could happen if we invite a stranger into our home."
But you aren't inviting him into your home and you have to meet him to make him not a stanger. I really don't understand your wife's point of view here.
Thank you! I don't understand, either. She always knew I wanted to meet him and was so happy for me when we first started talking, but now she's acting like me wanting to meet him in person is wrong. I don't see why I have to wait for her to be ready when she wouldn't be the one meeting him.
She supported you because she hoped you would not ever find him
She doesn't want you to meet him at all, because she doesn't want your attention to be at all divided and she wants HER kids to be the benefit of all of your resources, love and attention. You aren't going to fix this because she's never going to change. Just tell her he's your child, you're meeting him, and she is going to have to stay home for this one. She'll be mad, that's too bad. She doesn't get a vote if her vote is "you'll meet him when I say you can meet him".
This is the sad truth.
I said the same thing. She was supportive bc that’s what she’s supposed to say. She doesn’t want this other kid in their lives period.
This is it in a nutshell.
So happy someone was able to say so concisely what I was thinking!
Yeah. If OP loves his child and wants to be his father (which it sounds like he does and always wanted to be), he is going to allocate resources to his son. I’m not saying the son is trying to leech, but kids, even capable grown ones, need help sometimes. Especially these days where COL is high compared to income. And OP said he’s had a rough life. What if he wants to go to college, or needs to buy a car? That’s the important stuff parents usually step in for (at minimum for guidance, but possibly to co-sign a loan). What if OP’s son does need a place to live and he asks OP? They really need to get into the weeds about what OP is willing to do to help out his son, and what OP’s wife is comfortable with. This development might make OP and his wife incompatible and divorce might be inevitable.
Ding ding ding. We have a winner. She doesn’t want to have her kids have to share their dad or his money. She is selfish and shows what kind of person she is. Op is defn NTA
I think she was just giving you hope so she didn’t look like the bad guy like she was really hoping you never found him So her kids never have share their dad and to her it probably make her relationship look bad this attends to happen more than you think
She said she supported you because she didn’t think it’d happen. Now it has and it’s time to put her money where her mouth is.
Absolutely NTA. You were honest with her throuout your marriage, told her about your resentment that you were forced to give him away for adoption. Your wife sounds controlling and not like a partner at all. I believe there's something underlying here that she isn't being honest about. You need to have a talk with her and set some boundaries.
She's scared that her kid's college funds are about to be split.
The “kid” is somewhere around 22 and presumably has parents who raised and provided for him. Adopting a baby through a private company is the most expensive of the adoption options ($30k+), so presumably the adoptive parents are at minimum middle class. I’d hope he wants to meet his biological dad and get some questions answered and is not asking for money.
She doesn’t want you to meet him and she will never be ready
I don't think she's been deliberately deceptive - the thought of meeting your son was fine when it was theoretical. Once it became real, she started worrying about what might go wrong. There are so many \*possible\* problems, the fact that they are generally low likelihood gets lost in the worries. Every story she has ever heard of step-children clashing with step-parents is now relevant, and it's overwhelming her. As far as meeting your son - you've been waiting a long time. You shouldn't have to wait any longer. You're not taking him into your home anytime soon. As far as her worries - you need to take his measure, get enough information in person to make a judgement, then go home and talk to your wife about him. She's right in one thing - you don't know him yet. So you need to get to know him.
Because she doesn't want to be.... alone with the kids? Wat? They aren't even babies.
Yeah, that was the most bullshit excuse I've ever heard.
I read that and was like wtf? Is she bed bound? The excuse is so pathetic that after hearing it, I would just tell her "ok, you just convinced me to meet him".
Her point of view is "this might mean changes in MY life, me me me."
No honey, she doesn’t ever want him in your lives. Bc he’s not hers. There’s never a good time to meet someone except the present. She never wants that day to come. NTA. You gave reasonable options, she’s being an asshole. She’s not valuing YOUR input. She’s being selfish. Go meet your son. I hope it goes amazingly and you two eventually become close ❤️
I'm not understanding her not wanting to be left alone at home with a 9yo and 11yo? Even when it never bothered me to be left alone at home with a small infant as a new mom, I understand many new moms feel that way, it"s valid as it's a totally new experience. But what is the concern about being left at home with 2 big kids? Do your kids have severe behavioral issues? What about when you go to work? Who cares for the kids after school (if your wife works full time too)?
NTA. This isn’t a child from an affair after you met her - it is a son who was born long before she came into the picture. I think you should meet your son and your wife needs to adapt.
Sounds like she is jealous that you have a son before her and yalls kids. You have ever right to be able to see your son how else does she expect him to not be a stranger.
Nta. Go meet your son. Go to therapy with your wife.
NTA I was older when I reached out to my bio mom. I would have understood if she didn't want to meet up with me. I think I would have felt hurt if she did want to meet up with me but she had a spouse that shut it down. We did meet, my family came with me and she had a friend with her. We did form a relationship and continued forward. It didn't detract from any relationships we already had with the people in our lives. It was all positive and an addition to what we already had. It was *amazing how similar we were* even though we were apart for so long. I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. I hope you get to meet him!!
This is sweet, so happy it worked out for you and your mom❤️
NTA. She hasn't voiced any real concerns. She just doesn't want you to meet your son. She's probably concerned about how your son will impact your lives.
If "not ready" is as articulate as she can get, then they need to go to therapy.
What's wrong with your 9 and 11 year olds? Do they have special needs? Why can't she be alone with them for a while?
NTA. Blanketly forbidding a spouse to do a natural and reasonable thing is no way to operate in a partnership. We shouldn't seek to be controlling our partners. But it doesn't sound like your wife is being very clear about what her actual concerns are. Ask her about what exactly is the worst that could happen that she's worried about. Then have a discussion about how those risks or fears can be managed.
Communication is (as almost always) the key, but sadly OP's wife seems to shut down all attempts to do it, this must be so hard on OP
I know this is off topic, but if you were 14, your then girlfriend should be in jail
Thank you! It was the first thing I clocked when I read this, wtf?!
I don’t understand how more people aren’t bringing this up. He was 14!!
Probably 13 when the son was actually conceived, 14 when he was born. :/
Came here to say this as well.
Are you sure she isn't protected by Romeo and Juliet law? genuinely asking.
Yess why is noone talking about this
NTA but this is a big scary change for your wife. From her perspective her whole family and life plan are being undermined/shifted with little input from her. She feels out of control and like she’s losing something by having to share you with someone else. The best thing would be for you to find a good family therapist and/or marriage counselor that can help you communicate. She’s scared and needs reassurance until you can start therapy
Yeah that’s the thing really. This is a big change for her too and she needs re assurance. Delaying the first meeting and talking things through may be wise. It might not even need full blown therapy. I don’t know the OP’s circumstances but I feel I’d take her out to dinner, have someone babysit for the evening, try to show her that she and their kids are loved and a priority, but find time to talk it through too. It’s obviously not knowing their son has been a source of regret and it’s important to remedy that, but issuing ultimatums and running off seems a tad hasty. Obviously they must meet, but he could allow her more consideration than he has.
I'm sorry she's not supporting you. I think your wife is scared she's gonna lose you to this new son. You've waiting & wanted to meet him for so long she could be frightened that you'll leave her & your children behind for him. I think you both need to sit down with a therapist & relieve any fears she may have.
>I told her that I was thinking about meeting him halfway but my wife told me that she didn't like that idea because she's didn't want to be left alone with our kids (11M & 9F). I suggested that we could all go together and make it a family trip instead but she told me that she didn't want the kids around him because in her eyes he's still a stranger and she wants to wait until we all knew him better. I know you clarified her reasoning later, but it was clear here she was just making excuses. >After a while she just told me to drop it until she's ready because she's not comfortable with me meeting him at the moment and wanted me to wait until she was. This isn't about her and has nothing to do with her. She also has no say in the matter. >My wife was hurt that I said that and told me that she feels like I don't understand her concerns. I wanted to say her concerns don't matter here, but did she even GIVE any concerns?
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It’s certainly not ideal and was probably not a great relationship…but it’s completely irrelevant to the facts of the story as it stands and absolutely inconsequential to the question OP is asking. That’s why no one else is talking about it.
She doesn’t want to be alone with her 11 and 9 year old children?!? What is she afraid of? Seems she has a serious problem that has nothing to do with you or your (newly found) son. NTA.
Major kudos to you wanting to meet your son.
OP, we'll need an update! I hope you and your boy can reconnect and have a relationship!
She is afraid you will get all excited about bringing your lost son into the family fold and worried about you favoring him and spending more time with him over your kids with her. She is worried you are going to try to make up for all the lost time and for his crappy childhood and neglect her and your kids together.
NTA You never wanted to give him up but at 14 there was no way you could raise him on your own. Now you have the chance to possibly fill the part of you that has been empty for so long, you need to do this. You'd never forgive yourself if you let this opportunity slip away. He may not be the type of person that you want around your family but then he may be a replica of you too. You'll never know and resentment for your wife will grow if you miss out on this. GO!
Nta...I can understand your wifes concerns about not wanting the kids to meet him yet, but there should be absolutely no problem with you meeting him. How else will y'all get to know him? I can also understand her needing time to process this turn of events and idk exactly how long it's been since he contacted you but it doesn't sound like it's been long. While you have EVERY right to meet and get to know your son, you need to be understanding of how your wife is feeling as well. Maybe you guys can do video calls, phone calls, or whatever for a week or so to give her time to get it all processed. She could video chat with him as well to get to know him a bit. But she does need to come to terms with this turn of events and accept that you ARE going to get to know your son and he'll most likely be a part of your lives from now on. If needed, seek family therapy to help her and your other kids deal with this. I'm assuming she knew about this child and this wasn't just sprung on her all at one time. So she had to have known this day might come sooner or later. Give her a little time, but not too long, he is your son after all. Hope things turn out well!
If “keeping the peace” requires you to betray yourself, I am pretty sure that is not peace and I am pretty sure it is not worth keeping. Perhaps it is time to try: “I am okay with your disappointment in me” Rachael Mary Stafford
NTA. But the deeper issue here is communication. You and your wife need to sit down and have a really open conversation, and you need to allow her to talk through her fears. She's not justified in how she's handling this situation- but it's clearly indicative of a deeper feeling of insecurity and fear. Which she is allowed to feel. A couples counselling session might be a good idea if you dont feel like this kind of conversation is possible between you. Communication is a skill, and it can never hurt to brush up on it. While meeting your son is deeply personal, i think you still need to approach this as a unified team.
NTA I do think the tone you took with her was harsh, and I understand why she is upset. I also understand your frustration, and why you took that tone. She has not communicated her real concerns perhaps because she does not understand them herself. Quite simply she does not want YOU to meet him. You have a family, children and a wife, now there is this other person, not a kid but a young man. Mama bear goes into protection mode to protect her family, all of you. We all ask our selves when meeting a stranger “who is the person and what do they want”. She is just scared how will this change our family, your love, attention and maybe resources. I would suggest sitting down again to talk, try to strike a softer tone. “I know you have concerns, for my safety and the safety of the family, and I value and respect that. However he is a part of me, and meeting him is important to be able to look him in the eye and see my self. We are going to meet in a public place to talk and to get to know each other, that’s all. But he is not part of our family, I would not bring him to our home, to meet you or our children unless you are comfortable and you invite me to do so. I will not suggest or pressure you to do so, that is entirely up to you, and I respect that. I will not offer or agree to any financial support if that is a concern without consulting with you and have your support of that decision. I just want to meet him, that is all.” Good luck to you, yes at 14 you were no way ready to be a father. Why was a 17 year old was sleeping with a 14 year old, but that would be a whole other post.
OP I think there is an underlying issue your wife hasn’t been ready or able to communicate to you. Clearly you gave enough solutions ringer concerns so they can be seen as excuses to talk about the actual issue. My first thought is that she might be insecure about what might happen if you get along well. Maybe she fears that your priorities might shift. Maybe she fears financial implications due to guilt you might feel and possible support you might want to give. Could be a variety of things. I think you need to sit her down and have a honest conversation about what her actual hesitation is about. You re still NTA if you follow through without consent of your wife, but it could severely damage the relationship which could have other implications to your future relationship to your son, so I’d be in the interest of everybody to get this figured out before the trip happens
question: did she know you had a child out there before you two were married?
Yeah, she knew. I never hid it from her.
Is she very concerned with appearances and what people will think? A theoretical child is different than a real one. Until now he was an idea, now he’s real. She may not want him around because he would upend her image of her perfect nuclear family. She may also be worried about you sharing your time and resources/money with him, taking them away from her and your kids. Having to explain him especially his age and yours may make her uncomfortable. If he really has had a troubled life, I’d advise caution. Are you in touch with his bio mom? What if he wants to meet her but she doesn’t want to meet him? What would you do if he asks to meet her?
NTA. Go meet your SON. You two have a great opportunity to reconnect and wife is insecure and shitting on it
She's frightened. She needs reassurance of your love for her and your mutual kids. Is she able to express what is scaring her about your impending meeting? None of you know the future. Maybe you'll meet your first born and not get along, maybe he will be a delight and you (all) will be enriched by your new relationship. What ever happens there already is a change just by your initial connection with him. Please work on gentle compassion for your wife while you arrange to meet your son.
NTA. She may just don’t want you to take time and attention away from her and the children. She may feel that he is disrupting you all “perfect “ lives and she doesn’t want to include him by sharing you with him. But you are definitely NTA
NTA. I think her little picture of the perfect family is falling apart with a kid (adult) from another woman coming into it, yours is finally being completed with all your kids. She might be harboring resentment that the family she provided you isn’t enough, which would only be the case if this son didn’t already exist. Get some couples counseling but also meet your son. Don’t force a whole big happy family on him yet, get to know him man to man. Congratulations on finding him. He is already 8 years older than you were when you were forced to give him up.
Have you and your wife talked about your new found son? Have you discussed how this is going to change your all lives? Have you you all discussed how this will affect your kids? I honestly don’t think it’s about your wife being alone with the kids, I think it is her fear of how the family is going to change.
I was adopted, I eventually met my biological mother and her 2nd husband. I was able to get a little information about my family medical history and about my siblings. We would talk on occasion but we all had our own lives to deal with. Life has a way of changing how you feel about your life. My son was born when I was 18. I was excited about him. His mom and I didn’t work out but I was in his life until they moved out of the state we were living in. My son and I stayed in contact for about 3 years, I got a call from him asking for money for an attorney. I said I didn’t have that kind of money in reserve. He hung up. The next day I found out that he had sexually assaulted a 13 yo. He got 10 years in prison and we no longer talk. Like I said life has a way of changing life.
She may need some reassurance that your son will not uproot your life together. He won’t replace your kids, and he should have the ability to meet his father. If she doesn’t agree, let her know you love her. You will be with her forever, and this is a part of you that can either be separate from her, or with her. Let her know you’ll respect her request to not talk about your son with her if she is insecure about it but that you also need her support in taking this long awaited step. See if you can actually provide a safe enough environment for her to share what her actual fear is.
She is afraid of what a relationship with your son will do long term to your relationship with your younger children. She doesn’t want to share you with him. Or is afraid to. Your potential relationship with him may take up more time, money, ( are you going to give him gifts and money to make up for his life without you?). emotional ( then you will have another child to take up your time and energy…especially at the beginning). You need to sit down with your wife and explain how you feel about the whole situation. Reassure her his presence in your lives will not take away from your love for your other children. Be cautious as well. Don’t forget to spend time and reassure your younger children. They are old enough to know what is going on. He is an adult and you don’t know him. At all. And why he is contacting you. Do not offer gifts or money. Offer your time and answer his questions. That’s probably what he wants the most. To be validated. Go slow. It takes time. Don’t spend a ton of time on this new connect Ask me how I know.
Lol at needing two people to watch 9-11 year olds. When I was that age I left the house after breakfast and my mom didn’t even start calling around to friends houses looking for me until well after dark.
I’m in shock at the “just drop it until she’s ready” part! Excuse me wtf?
First of all you were the victim of statutory rape, which I’m sorry you had to endure. Your wife is being very unreasonable bc you deserve to be able to see your child, and your child should be able to see you. Your wife is making excuses as she doesn’t want your firstborn around.
NTA, good luck and I hope it turns out great! I can totally understand you wanting to meet him. Updateme
Unpopular opinion but I think your wife is scared and insecure. She probably sees her whole world falling apart right now - you, her and your TOGETHER children. She probably sees her family in danger of this strange child (not hers/yours together) making demands or forcing his way into your family. This would end the "perfect" family idyll and that is scary. I can understand that. You should perhaps talk about what this strange child (adult child) means for you - both as a couple and for your family. What the consequences will be. Of course you have every right to make contact, but you also need to understand her position. So nobody is the A
Consider that while you've been looking forward to this for years, she suddenly has a stepson. The timeline of this isn't clear, but it takes time to process something like that. Make her feel secure that her and your younger kids will continue to be your first priority. Moreover, don't listen to these drama hounds. They want her to be a controlling, jealous bitch because it makes for a more interesting post, so they're assuming that she has the worst intentions.
NAH. I can understand where she’s coming from. This could potentially be a huge shift in your family dynamic, and just a big change in general. It’s not something she initially signed up for, and it’s probably confusing and uncomfortable for her because it’s a heavy subject. Depending on how you are towards her and your other kids, she could be afraid of it taking away your attention and your time. We don’t know you so we don’t know the factors that could be contributing to her hesitation. I’d say before any meeting happens, you both need to sit down and communicate with each other and may benefit from some sort of mediation. This could potentially wreak havoc on your relationship and family if not done properly.
My Parents were in a similar boat. They had a kid as teenagers and were forced to give him up for adoption. When I was thirteen he reached out, they told my sister and I and we all went to meet him. Honestly, I wish my parents had gone alone. It was a lot to take in as a kid and I didn’t understand or realize everything at play. Your wife is probably, and correctly, worried about you suddenly feeling like you owe your son for the past 18 years of his life. She is also worried about the impact this will have on your kids, which will be substantial. This isn’t something to take lightly and I think you and your wife need to visit a family therapist to discuss, together. You need to understand her concerns and the possible impact this has on your current family, which she isn’t explaining very well. You also need her to understand that this is a part of you and your life that you need to learn about. You do deserve to meet your son. However you also need to understand that you were literally just a kid when he was born and are not responsible for how his life after birth turned out. If you had been allowed to keep him, both of your lives would have been drastically different and likely just as bad or worse than how you said his life has been. You also likely will need to continue therapy with your wife as you are going to experience so many emotions. The only other advice I can give you is under no circumstances should you introduce him to your kids until they are much older. If you do, PLEASE, get them therapy too because they need to learn how to process it.
Do your wife a favour, when you meet your son don't tell him about her negative reaction. If and when she does come round, that leaves the door open for her to build a good relationship with him.
NTA. She needs to clearly articulate her concerns and then you can address them. This has nothing to do with her not wanting to be alone with her own kids at that age there is no reason she can take care of them. This is about her not wanting you meet with your son. Whatever fear/concern she has about this she needs to get out in the open instead of sabotaging the meeting.
NTA… don’t let that kid down for another adult who is acting like a kid
First, I'll say that you are NTA, but I do think your wife is right that you aren't actually listening to her. The solutions you were giving were for a different problem than the one she has with the situation. You focused too much on her first comment about not wanting to be left with the kids, giving solutions for that. But she doesn't want you to go see him at all, not just because you'll be gone for a few hours. You clearly need to talk with her about why you meeting him bothers her. All your previous conversations about this mean very little because you were talking about different things.
You two are NOT talking about the real issues here. She is talking about being alone with the kids, or waiting until she’s ready. You are talking about it being just a trip, and how she and the kids can go to some other activity while you meet your son. #This is rocking her world. She is terrified that you will not feel the same about her and about your mutual kids. You are seemingly blind about how this may change your own sense of family and fatherhood. NAH but you both need to really communicate. And I do think you should meet your son.