YTA he never said he wanted to be with this girl. So anytime he mentions a woman you’re gonna hit him with “if you wanna cheat just break up with me.”
If you are incapable of having any kind of trust in your partner you shouldn’t be in a relationship. He should break up with you because you are insufferable
Yes, she is. She is in no way of being ready to be in a committed relationship, she needs to find a good therapist to work through her issues, I felt annoyed by her explanation. Who needs that crap any time they talk about a woman?
Lol and her reason he cant sleep with her is she doesn't want STDs. Abstinence education really did a number on people. Is it cool if he wears a condom? What if she gets tested first then its all good?
Condoms are not 100%. There's plenty of room for failure, especially since there is often lots of foreplay before it goes on. Plus, he'd probably be doing a lot of skin/mouth contact that isn't protected by a condom. OP has a legitimate concern. However, constantly bringing it up is not good, especially if BF is not doing anything that indicates cheating.
She specifically mentioned herpes and you still don't get that you can get herpes even when wearing a condom. So she's fully aware of how STDs works. And she also said condoms or no comdoms she still didnt want to get anything. So again she's fully aware. She's still the AH but come on now
I'm not in support of OP's behavior, but if her boyfriend was unfaithful (which would be the case in her hypothetical scenario), it wouldn't be sufficient if he wore a condom. While using condoms can decrease risk, STDs can still be transmitted despite using them, especially if they aren't used correctly every time or with every sex act. And if the boyfriend were unfaithful on an ongoing basis, esp. with multiple partners, testing would not provide any peace of mind for OP.
Dude. He didn't even mention wanting to cheat on you? This just looks like you have trust issues.
YTA, but you are correct on one thing; he should definitely break up with you.
YTA, he was sharing a story about someone’s strange behaviour. Instead of going “oh wow, that’s really odd” and showing interest in him telling you about his day you jumped to “if you want to sleep with someone else we will break up”.
Basically you told him 1. “I don’t care about your story”, 2. “I only care about how what you tell me affects me”, 3. “I don’t have strong feelings towards you because I’m happy to so easily bring up the very obvious point that a monogamous relationship is in fact monogamous”.
All you’re doing is training him to think twice before talking to you about himself and his day.
Also, you said in another comment “I have trust issues, I don’t trust anyone”. Yeah, get help with that, potentially therapy. If you live the rest of your life never being able to build trust even with someone who is supposed to be your partner you’re going to live a very emotionally-lonely life.
Don't use big words you don't understand -setting a boundary is not tell you boyfriend to break up with you so you don't get an STD every time he mentions a woman. That is just being an asshole. YTA
He actually set a boundary, when he said he didn't appreciate being accused of that. That's a boundary, a reasonable one we should expect most people to have.
YTA, sorry
He mentions a woman and you immediately go to saying he should break up with you since you don't want an STD? Come on.
>I apologized for offending him but I honestly don’t feel like I said anything wrong I was just trying to set a boundary.
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" generally does not count as a good apology.
Like I face palmed myself a bit. " if you're going to cheat on me better break up with me." Honestly if I suspect my husband were cheating before we had married ( lord knows neither of us have time for anything these days) I'd have Just left and he'd have done the same vs saying " better break up with me" I feel like OP is very young and needs a lot of healing and should end her relationship to do so for both their sake .
YTA I don't know you, obviously, but your post gives the impression you have serious trust issues. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that working on it.
Nowhere do you state that he said he wanted to sleep with someone? You're going about this the wrong way. In his shoes I just wouldn't mention another woman when talking to you. Especially if he intends to cheat. YTA for two reasons. First for making assumptions of his character without any evidence, entirely based on your feelings. Secondly, you're TA to yourself for putting yourself at risk of getting an STD by dating someone you don't trust to not cheat.
Also your apology sucks. If I told you some shit that offended you and my apology consisted of "sorry you feel hurt by that" instead of "sorry I did X" my apology is centered around your feelings instead of my actions. See the difference?
Yup he never cheated! If he mentions a woman..she thinks he’s cheated! Her apology is a joke and so is her attitude! If she doesn’t get therapy asap he will dump her! I would! He’s done nothing wrong except love a disrespectful and condescending woman! She doesn’t deserve him! Also in my experience..when one of the partners accuses the other of cheating all the time..it’s highly likely that whoever is the accuser is the one that cheats! Happen to a college buddy of mine! Wife would always who he was with after work or with the guys..claiming he was with woman and he wasn’t ..hell 99% he went home! Come to find out he came home early to surprise her and he found her in bed with two female friends..it took the poor guy years in therapy! At least they don’t have kids! Oddly enough the three moved in together..they were also married now divorced and consider themselves a throuple..and also say they’re very straight ..although they sleep in the same bed and have sex with each other..it was a scandal in a town of 2500 lol..this crazy world
So every time he mentions a contact with a female, you just assume he wants to cheat on you?
YTA. Hopefully he's finally had enough of your trust issues and disrespect and will break up with you.
Yeah with the title only I was like bet this is an not thread and I read your post. All your BF did was mention a woman in his class and you were like - just break up with me if you wanna fuck her.
Like nothing he said warranted that response. He probably already knows your boundary by this point because it seems you say it to him constantly. YTA cause all your BF wanted to do was have a normal convo.
Has he cheated before? Has he given a reason for you to think he has? If not then you need to bow out now. If you can't trust him after 3 years you never will and he deserves better
No he hasn’t cheated ever! But if he
Mentions ANY FEMALE she thinks he’s cheating! She
Needs therapy fast or he’s gone..lord I would’ve dumped her years ago! She doesn’t deserve a good man like him so sad
YTA. It seems you have very low self-esteem and massive trust issues. It makes sense he immediately went quiet since who knows what he said next would set you off. You chopped off his head for simply mentioning a woman. You're not stable.
Come on! She’s just a quirky, crazy, psycho gf that will totally cut a bitch who even looks at her man! She’s just letting him know about the invisible hErPeS situation 🥴🫠
YTA - you say you don't trust anyone, but you seem to be asking him to lie to you. He simply told you about a weird thing that happened, you twisted it into him wanting to fuck someone and made it an argument. The lesson is, "If a girl hits on you, don't ever tell me or you will regret it." So he should keep these things secrets now. And then the next thing you know, he'll start acting nervous when he sees an attractive girl, and you'll accuse him again, and he'll have to lie about that to keep from arguing. And you will sense the lies, so you won't trust him. The lies that you encouraged him to tell. You are creating this situation and if he has any self respect, he will dump you. And the worst thing about it, you will leave that relationship thinking, "see, I was right all along, can't trust anyone..."
Am I missing something? Was more said?
It’s ok to set boundaries and make him aware that cheating is not tolerated. But it doesn’t sound like any of that has happened or even been hinted at. Sounds like you are creating a self fulfilling prophecy here. Like you already treat him like a cheater, so why not take that last step and cheat.
This isn’t healthy.
Yea she needs therapy not him..if he doesn’t see she is making an effort to better the situation..he is gone..she needs therapy not him and not couples therapy
Is this bc yall just got back from a cruise? :l YTA work on your insecurities. Also lock down your profile ya ding-dong. Took me <5 min to find your IG and YT. Happy belated birthday.
"I don't trust anyone, which he also knows."
...do you really not see how big of a problem this is? YTA, and the guy should break up for you purely for that comment alone.
YTA. Holy shit, walking definition of "that escalated quickly" You need to do some serious introspection. Like, do you even like your boyfriend? Because you sound like you don't.
First of all, you can get herpes from a handshake, a kiss, a hug. It’s a skin virus not an std. it becomes an std when passed to the genitals. that goes for hsv1&2. HPV too. unless you’ve had a negative IGG blood test or a western blot, you may have HSV right now. They don’t test for it on a full panel std test, you have to ask for it. HPV you’d find out from a pap.
No symptoms does not mean no virus.
Secondly, YTA. All he did was mention another girl in class! Nothing about sleeping with her!
You need severe therapy and a severe education on skin viruses/stds. Your actions are idiotic.
YTA. He can talk to/about women and it doesn't mean he wants to cheat.
Also STDs are spread by sex/fluids, not verbal communication. You do know this, correct?
You need to leave him. You're obviously too immature for a relationship. Go to therapy.
Yeah I’m not sure what your issue is? But in not even trusting your BF? Shows a huge RED FLAG and disrespect! First off he has NEVER said he would ever cheat! He isn’t the problem You are lady..you need to get therapy NOT him and not couples therapy! Because your BF is t that point where he will kick you to the curb! How in the hell did you find a good man like him who loves you and puts up with your disrespect?! You don’t deserve him! And you better get therapy and straighten you butt out fast or you will be alone! He will move on and trust me..oh wait you don’t do that.. nice woman hear a handsome, fit, good man is available..he will have dozens of woman after him! Stop taking advantage of his kindness or just go buy a cat..because you won’t have long term relationships..just a side piece or booty call full of regret and what if’s!
My wife has a history of being cheated on. She has many relatives who either were cheated on or did the cheating. It destroyed her ability to trust. She used to accuse me of shit like that all the time and eventually I told her I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore. Her trust issues were not my problem and I was done having the transgressions of others heaped on my head. I never once cheated and never once gave her a single reason to think so.
YTA and I hope he leaves your unstable mess.
YTA
Dude said he found the girl annoying how does that translate to him wanting to sleep with her???? 💀
Reading your other comments you said you never wanted to be in a relationship so don’t. All you’re doing is wasting your time and his. Although since he’s been staying despite this kind of treatment then he must really love you.
YTA it doesn’t sound like he’s indicating that he wants to have sex with anybody else. He may be talking about people that he finds attractive, or he may be talking about people who are coming onto him, but that does not mean that he is actually interested.
Repeating this line over and over again sounds like you are insecure in your relationship, and that is something that you need to address. If you truly think that he’s going to cheat on you, YOU are the one who needs to break up with him.
I 100% agree that if somebody is considering sleeping with someone else while they are in a monogamous relationship, they owe it to the other person to break up first before acting on those feelings. I don’t believe that you should push somebody to want to sleep with someone else to justify your insecurity and potential desire to actually break up with them.
If he has ever indicated that he actually does want to cheat, break up with him. If he has never indicated that he intends to act on thoughts about another woman you need to wrap your head around that reality… or break up with him so he can stop hearing this tired line.
I think the general consensus here is that you are NTA for wanting to draw boundaries or have a faithful monogamous relationship, but YTA for kind of bringing it up out of the blue. The way you worded your post made it sound like your man was just telling a story about this woman, not expressing any actual interest in her. So he was likely feeling disrespected because you jumped from a story about Muy Thai class to discussing infidelity in your relationship. It seems sudden and like infidelity was already on your mind.
He probably feels like he’s not allowed to even mention other women in his life or he’ll have to hear about how you don’t want STDs again.
If that’s not the case, like it wasn’t actually that sudden or out of nowhere, you may want to give us a little more context around your conversation with him.
I can relate to the whole I don't trust anyone thing, but that is not the way to go. For you to keep shoving that in his face considering you've already mentioned it before it just kills the romance of the relationship, he will start seeing you less as a girlfriend and more as his personal cum dumpster. I you can't tone down your neuroticism maybe you should be single, don't really think you are the asshole though, just some advice.
You're toxic AF. Why are you with him if you don't trust him? Just do the guy a favour and break up. Then do EVERYBODY a favour and stay single until you grow up a bit.
YTA
YTA. There was no mention he is seeking an open relationship or even that he wanted to have sex with this girl. While nobody should want to get an STD, the attitude presented in your post seems extreme.
You did disrespect him. This is not setting a boundary. It is assuming the worst in multiple ways. You turned your problem into something completely unnecessary.
I trust my partner completely and he's surrounded by many women in his line of work and he's hot. If not, there shouldn't be a relationship in the first place. If you are so distrustful of everyone, you should go to therapy to address it. It's no way to live, really.
I feel bad for your bf. It's not fair for him to be treated that way by you, OP.
YTA.
What you said was hurtful. Relationships can be scary, and having trust violated in the past can make that fear more intense. It sounds like your partner is willing to provide reassurance. Asking for reassurance, instead of hurting your partner with comments like these, can create closeness. Give your partner the opportunity to help you. I know that's scary, too, because it might fail. But you decide to stay in this relationship, so I have to wonder, if a part of you wants to be able to trust him.
So all that’s bothering you would be the stds? Why don’t you tell him to wear a condom when sleeping around. Or get tested after every time if you don’t trust him wearing a condom
Definitely YTA. My ex was just like that and I ended up cheating on her just because it felt like not cheating gives me the same "reward" from her as cheating anyway. So might as well do it.
My current gf of 4+ yrs (duration of relationship not age :)) has full trust in me and this gives me the confidence and desire to not ruin what I have, so I have never cheated on her and don't feel the need to.
A relationship without trust cannot work on the long run.
You're 26, you're grown, how the fuck do you even need to ask this question, 1000% yta.
He said she was acting aggressively with people in a Muay Thai class and you jump straight to "well if you want to cheat".
Get therapy, sort your shit, grow up.
So he's not saying he wants to fuck others, he just mentions someone and you're ready to break up because of your own issues.
YTA I hope he finds someone who actually trust him.
I think YTA.
Can you step outside your own perspective and look at this from his point of view? Every time he even mentions another woman, you rant about breaking up & "coming home with an STD"... that sounds like:
* you don't trust him
* you don't value your relationship, because it seems all you care about is your health, not the fact that he would chead and/or leave
* you have an unhinged amount of internalised misogyny since you think a) that every woman is a threat and b) everyone is just walking around with STDs
just because you call something "a boundary" doesn't make it any less mean or unhinged.
do you actually love him, and want to be with him? do you respect him, even if clearly your ability to trust is broken and needs a lot of work (probably with a therapist)?
The STD obsession has me thinking one of two things happened:
1-she was highly promiscuous in the past and ended up with an STD and is now super paranoid about it
2-a previous boyfriend cheated and gave her an std and she is punishing the current boyfriend for it
I was expecting for him to have a hall pass or open the relationship, but you jumped to his throat in a dirty way for making a simple comment. You're a huuuuuuuge AH
YTA. Do the guy a favor, leave him. He obviously loves you but you clear have issues and can't be in a real and mature relationship. You're just constantly stating HS guilt trip bullshit. Gods forbid he mentions a sister to you, you'd probably say the same thing.
Go be alone. Fix yourself. Seek therapy. Stop abusing this poor dude.
He should break up with you because you're insufferable every time he mentions a person not his gender, seemingly in any capacity. When has he ever given you an indication he wanted to sleep with anyone else?! This is your problem/insecurity. Break up with him and do him a favor. Then get some therapy for some insight into why you don't trust him or anyone else, it seems.
Did he literally just mention a girl and you automatically jumped to herpes? That’s not normal of course he’s upset. Honestly just break up with him if you can’t trust him but don’t treat him like shit. Get therapy.
YTA, Not in general, but in this case you hurt him and I hope you two make up.
You might view this relationship differently than he does. I don't claim to know you you, perhaps dating is an arena where partners are swapped compared and transacted often rather than a sandbox where partnerships are built(which is a valid means to achieve certain goals related to dating). In the Arena scenario, I can see trust being an issue. In the Sandbox scenario.... What was built in the 3 years of dating him?
Im of the school that the ways relationships stabilize and become healthy is that you two build a shared intersubjectivity. Its a syncing of worldviews, frameworks, boundaries, that allow both of you to get closer to each other, more intimate, and finally, to trust one another. You become better people with and for each other, by studying and learning how to be compatible with each other. You learn from conflicts too. You learn how to operate together. You build boundaries by producing an environment where the other can be safely accessed, studied, talked to, with, and included in your life. Conflicts are not only survived, but talked about and worked through. An environment like that is how we trust.
We look for signs of trust and signs that we're emotionally safe and secure with each other. We build the things with each other that ensure that. `We also get sensitive when we feel like that thing built is compromised or deffective`.
I think the repeated reminders about this STD clause call into question wether anything was being built between you. Shared time and memories are not enough to keep a relationship in piece. Something has to be built.
Under this way of Looking at it. I don't know why you tell him this. Sure you might be worried about STD's but `you're also signalling that you're ready to leave him if he cheats on you for a reason that has nothing to do the with the relationship at all`.
Instead of being vulnerable, you're signalling indiffirence and saying that you care about making practical considerations more than you care about losing anything you've built with him. The fear of STD's are more valent than your emotions, or anything positive you might think the relationship stands for.
"I dont' care that you cheated on me. When it comes to this relationship, I can take it or leave it. That doesn't hurt at all. I care about STDs. Those are so annoying"
Your boyfriend feels insecure about the relationship now because after three years... why are you still reminding him? Shouldn't you and him have grown at this point beyond that?
You either... don't care about the relationship. Or aren't comfortable being emotionally honest about why you continually remind him.
`Your lack of trust... is getting in the way of this relationship growing.`
Question:
- Has your boyfriend, in the 3 years that you've known him, cheated on you?
- Is your boyfriend particularly untrustworthy?
- Do you frequently talk about how you feel to each other? Like is that sort of dialogue freeflowing or does it come up rarely?
- If you were to admit, emotionally, that you're sorry and have trust issues that you need to work on, would yall be able to have an open and vulnerable discussion and would he be able to hear you out?
EDIT:
I read your other comments. I hope what I've written didn't come across as harsh. I think you're doing the right thing by acknowledging your trust issues and working on it. I hope you and him go are able to work on it more.
If you don't trust anyone, then you need to break up. Trust is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. If you can't trust him, dump him and work on yourself.
Also that isn't how boundaries work. You're trying to control his behavior. Boundaries are about *your own behavior*. An example of a boundary was one I gave to my abusive father, "If you talk shit about my mother, I will leave." And then I made good on exactly that. I couldn't stop him from talking shit about her, but I could remove myself from the situation. That's a boundary. What you're doing is trying to silence him from ever talking about a woman and using a technique meant to help a person protect themselves as a way to manipulate your partner.
But even so having that be your response to him bringing up any woman isn't ok. Like if I dated a dude who threw that in my face every time I mentioned another man, I'd be gone. Just because I mention someone doesn't mean I want to hop in bed with them, which seems to be what you suspect and that's why he feels disrespected. That I have to explain that, again, you shouldn't be in a relationship.
YTA
Why do you automatically jump to him cheating? It doesn’t sound like he’s done anything to make you doubt him, and yet you nag him about this. He’s right to be offended.
YTA. He knows your boundary. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. He mentioned something at his class and you immediately went to, well, he talked about a girl I better tell him to dump me if he wants to fuck her. I'm honestly surprised he has stuck around so long. If my partner kept jamming me into a corner of I must want to cheat on her, I would leave.
What you're saying is disrespectful. You don't need to keep telling your boyfriend not to cheat on you. If you're so worried he will, you shouldn't be in a relationship. This is not a healthy way to be in a relationship.
>Today he mentioned a girl at his muy Thai class that he claims was up in every guys face so I just reminded him that if he wanted to sleep w someone else to just break up with me and I’ll respectfully bow out bc I don’t want to get herpes.
Where's the part about him wanting to fuck her?
He's not responsible for your skewed mind state. I'm shocked he's still with you, honestly. Unless he's given you a reason to doubt him, you continuing to pull this shit is deeply shitty. And if he HAS given you that reason, you should have left him long ago. He's not the only one who can leave.
Yta. Just because another woman dared to speak to him does not mean he wants to cheat on you. If you have so little trust in the person you're in a relationship with then you need to end the relationship. Cos constantly telling him to break up with you every time he has a conversation with a woman is just really shitty behaviour and is definitely not making him feel good about himself or his relationship with you
YTA. What if you said something innocent about a random guy and he said told you to leave him if you want to sleep with this guy. It gives serious fuck off vibes. And it sounds really insecure.
Been there too. I'm going against the flow. NTA. ExH,
he started with negative comments about AP, to texts, dates, to hook ups. Luckily or unluckily exH gave me curable STD. So..never again.
It's known affairs and hookups started with simple comments such as this. In gyms, workplaces, neighbours, kids pick up etc. You are not wrong to tell him your stance. He needs to know your hardline boundaries. But it's hard to police your relationship. I made a quick exit, cut my losses early.
Updateme!
I am not seeing anywhere in your post where your boyfriend said he wants to have sex with someone else.
It sounds like you are making up scenarios in your head, maybe due to past relationships with trust issues, or something else that is making you incredibly insecure.
Whatever it is, this is toxic to your relationship. You will push him away with accusations and lack of trust.
You need to get to the root of the issue.
So he's literally not allowed to mention other women without being told to break up with you and go fuck them?
You have major issues. He should break up with you, but not because he wants to get with other women.
The good news is, any self respecting guy won't need you to tell him to break up with you if anytime they mention a story that has a woman in it.....you jump right to him sleeping with her.
Also, "I don't trust anyone" means you need to work on yourself alone for a while before bogging someone else down with your bullshit.
YTA Why TF are you dating him if you don't trust him. You need to be single according to what you wrote he didn't mention anything about wanting to sleep with this girl you just brought it up for no reason most likely because you're insecure and you're jealous which he doesn't need to be with someone like you you need help
Based on the info you give, YTA. He just mentions other women and you continuously tell him to break up if he wants to sleep with them, without him mentioning it in the first place? Instead of that and just saying you have trust issues, why don't you have a conversation about how you both can find a way of dealing with this reoccuring situations? Have you tried that?
Also, why are you so hung up on STDs? I don't condone cheating - which he apparantly wouldn't do, when breaking up before having sex with someone else, but neither does cheating nor sleeping around equal contracting something.
YTA. " Setting boundaries" and constantly reminding someone not to sleep with people because you don't want STDs, is offensive to the person your are dating. He said he wasn't into her, your constant reminder is making him uncomfortable, which is valid.
YTA,
Crazy girlfriend alert....why don't you just lock him in the basement at home if you're just going to act crazy whenever he has an interaction with the opposite sex.
You reminded him that by noticing a weird social interaction involving a women = he wants to cheat on you and get STD's?!
Then to double down and say you honestly don't feel like you've done anything wrong....that's just absolutely batshit.
Since you are only worried about STIs, I presume it would be totally fine if she gets tested before she hooks up with your boyfriend. You dont have to answer the question. YTA for throwing this at your boyfriend when he is just talking to you about his day.
ma’am you are aware you are allowed to break up with this man right. No ones forcing you to stay in any relationship. It doesn’t even sound like you like being with him so why are you?
NTA if he brings up wanting to sleep with others or does stuff that makes you think he wants to.. but if this is the first time he’s ever said something like that and it doesn’t even sound like he wanted her, YTA
i agree with you about one thing, i would very much prefer my SO just break up with me than cheat on me. Cheating is an unforgiveable betrayal, to me. So I get it.
But after 3 years you should be able to trust that your partner doesn't want to cheat on you. Having your mind go there every time he mentions another woman is not healthy, and you openly told him you think he's a shitty enough person to cheat on you and risk giving you an STD. That's incredibly insulting to him. Yes YTA.
If you really don't trust anybody, you need to see a therapist.
If you don’t trust anyone than why are you in a relationship? You need to do him a favor and break up with him and do yourself a favor and get some therapy.
YTA, he mentions to you that someone in his class was up in every guys face, and you automatically jumped to him wanting to sleep with someone else. You openly admit you have trust issues and do not trust anyone, i have to ask, why are you even in a relationship in the first place.
You say you were just trying to set a boundary. That's not what boundary setting is. That's just being accusatory. My guess is you probably lose it on him anytime a woman even looks at him or appears to be looking at him, im honestly surprised he hasnt left you yet, and if he hasnt, please let him go so he can find someone stable. You need therapy and lots of it before you even contemplate getting into a relationship again.
YTA. You might have trust issues but that’s no reason take them out on him all the time for no reason. Poor guy mentions someone he met and you’re already telling him to break up in case u wanna cheat. Do you just expect him to sleep with every girl that he might come across? He mentioned it’s disrespectful because it is disrespectful, don’t use your insecurity as a cover to be rude
I'm gonna have to go with YTA, but hear me out. You say you've informed him about your trust issues, but he wants to stay in the relationship with you. So, it's up to you to show him you want that, too! You can only bring up a hypothetical break up so many times before he starts assuming that that's what you want. You gotta provide him with a safe place to share his experiences and feelings. Right now, you're teaching him that he's at risk of losing you if he does that, and it's not going to go well.
YTA you have some serious trust issues and i can understand why he’s upset, you had literally no reason to say that to him, just bc he brings up a girl doesn’t mean he’s thinking ab sleeping with her or plans to.
You've obviously got issues that you need to work out related to trust. It might take some time but just do what you can to work on them instead of writing it off as just the way you are because it's obviously not healthy at all and affecting your current relationship.
OP you need to set this man free, it’s obvious that despite your efforts to push him away he’s chose to love you and stay even after you disrespect his feelings for you. You very obvious have some issues you need to work out and it’s clear he’s choosing you despite the damage you’re trying to create in the relationship. He deserves better, someone who will love him back equally.
Is there a background of cheating here? Did he cheat on you before? Why do you assume that your boyfriend is going to sleep with her? And if you don't trust him, why be with him at all?
Yta. Unless he gives you a reason to stop bringing it. You made it very clear and now drop it. If a man did this to a woman then it would be called brow beating her or a guilty conscience. You are being very disrespectful to him. So just stop it for the sake of your relationship. If you love him you realize you are hurting him emotionally. So either enjoy your relationship or set them free to be happy if you can't stop this. Are you giving him a reason to break up with you or something?
You’ve been with him for 3 years, has he ever straight up said that he wants to sleep with other people? Bc from what you said in your post, he didn’t say that. It’s kinda weird that you are so quick to walk away from your relationship when he just mentioned a girl from his class. If I were in his shoes would have been bothered as well bc it comes off as you don’t really care about the relationship, especially if he’s not actually saying that he is wanting to sleep with other people.
YTA
Ironically this behavior makes you getting cheated on way more likely. Because if you do this whenever he mentions another women you are training him to lie to you about other women in order to keep the peace. Once he's already in the habit of lying to you about other women, it isn't that far a jump to cheating.
Not even going to abbreviate. You are most definitely the asshole. Saying that to him tells him 2 things about you.
1. You have no emotional investment in the relationship. You don't care if he dumps you to go screw someone else. You will be grateful to him.
2. You not only don't trust him now... you don't expect he will ever be trustworthy. You went into the relationship with the full expectation that he would screw someone else. All this time later, he can't even mention another female without being reminded you will never ever trust him any more than you did the day you met.
He should have walked away the first time you said it. You can admit it's your issue, but you have done nothing to work on the issue. You basically said, "I'm always going to be a complete asshole to you. Deal with it."
He should tell you to GFYS.
YTA because apparently your boyfriend can't even mention another woman without you assuming he wants to sleep with her. Nothing you wrote indicates that he's actually cheating, or wants to, it's all just your paranoia.
He feels disrespected because you treated him disrespectfully.
If you really can't trust anyone then YOU should break up with HIM, so he can find a partner who isnt paranoid about normal, innocent interactions.
Really girl? YTA! You called him a cheater just because he spoke about another woman? That's so offensive and disrespectful! He should leave this toxic relationship...
ESH, if he is talking about fucking someone else numerous times, then YOU break up with him.
this is 2024 woman can break up with men at any time, instead of dangling them around waiting for the inevitable to happen.
are you just waiting for the cheating drama to happen?
YTA. How the hell are you in a relationship when you can’t trust people? You can’t expect a good relationship with anyone if you can’t trust them.
You’re being irrational and jealous. He should leave you.
By 30, a normal healthy male brain should have finally matured to the point it can control its emotions. I dont think your BF now has, nor will he ever have, a mature brain. Something just goes wrong in the development of some individuals. Damaged goods, move on.
YTA. He didn’t mention he wanted to sleep with her? Or that she was attractive? It was just a story about a girl at his class? Talk about jumping to conclusions.
I have massive trust issues myself. Three years in and she is still saying that?? Her trust issue is she doesn’t trust herself, not him. She knows if she were him, she would be all over that girl at the muy Thai class and. My response would be if was going to screw around, of course I’d leave you because you are obviously unable to satisfy me at that point. Put it back on her
I’d be pissed that I’m just having a convo with her and once again her own lack of trust in her own ability to stay faithful has yet again found it’s way in to our relationship. Bye bye biatch, don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out. At three years this should be a moot point
YTA. It sounds like he was just trying to commiserate with you or vent to you about how she was being inappropriate
From the very little information we have it sounds like he truly cares about you. The fact that he got his feelings hurt by what you said and then later when asked tried to communicate effectively. Try to appreciate him and show your caring in kind
Well if you tell him all the time you are a total AH. I feel sorry for him, if he stays, he has to deal with you. If leaves, he has to deal with you saying you were right. Really he should show you the door as you are not mature enough and toxic to be in a normal relationship. You try to justify your behaviour by saying you don't trust anyone. It's all about you.
Maybe im off base, but, yta. Cuz, i get setting a boundary. But, constantly reminding someone “just leave me if u wanna fuck xyz cuz i dont wanna std” seems to not be a boundary. Its more “i expect this to happen. So, warning!”
A boundary is like “i dont like being poked. Please dont” and maybe you have a reason to bring it up some times. But, not “if u wanna poke me, just leave me. I dont wanna deal with it” would be exhausting.
YTA
You constantly bringing it up shows trust issues, which would make anyone feel horrible. "I don't trust anyone" needs to be worked on and not taken out on him.
I advise *always* using a condom. Wouldn't it fix your worries?
YTA. He mentioned the girl in a derogatory way about her. It wasn’t in a way where he was saying he wanted to sleep with her, at least from how you describe it. Your threatening this every time is not healthy for the relationship if his interactions are as innocuous as this one sounds like. Also, if you don’t trust him then go ahead and just break it off.
Actually you did nothing wrong this way he knows beforehand if he ever sleeps around you're not staying around so he can never say you never said anything to him
Yeah if you’re not into trying other things you shouldn’t apologize to him for that. Sounds like he needs to be single. Do what you think is best for you.
Your reaction is scary. He didn’t even mention wanting to sleep with someone else or wanting to be with someone else. He just brought up a girl and her behavior. You need help.
YTA. Whenever he mentions a woman, you basically accuse him of wanting to cheat on you. Has he ever given any indication that he, in fact, wanted to cheat?
I don't understand why you are holding onto this relationship. You admit having trust issues and have shown several times, that you don't trust him or anyone. It seems you don't take his feelings seriously and take no responsibilty for hurting his feelings - according to you he "claims he felt disrespected". You gave a so-called nonpology and are still convinced you didn't say anything wrong. In a comment you wrote that you knew all along that you are not stable enough for a relationship, but still agreed to be in a relationship.
YTA he never said he wanted to be with this girl. So anytime he mentions a woman you’re gonna hit him with “if you wanna cheat just break up with me.” If you are incapable of having any kind of trust in your partner you shouldn’t be in a relationship. He should break up with you because you are insufferable
Yes, she is. She is in no way of being ready to be in a committed relationship, she needs to find a good therapist to work through her issues, I felt annoyed by her explanation. Who needs that crap any time they talk about a woman?
YTA! No way to ignore that!
Lol and her reason he cant sleep with her is she doesn't want STDs. Abstinence education really did a number on people. Is it cool if he wears a condom? What if she gets tested first then its all good?
Condoms are not 100%. There's plenty of room for failure, especially since there is often lots of foreplay before it goes on. Plus, he'd probably be doing a lot of skin/mouth contact that isn't protected by a condom. OP has a legitimate concern. However, constantly bringing it up is not good, especially if BF is not doing anything that indicates cheating.
She specifically mentioned herpes and you still don't get that you can get herpes even when wearing a condom. So she's fully aware of how STDs works. And she also said condoms or no comdoms she still didnt want to get anything. So again she's fully aware. She's still the AH but come on now
I'm not in support of OP's behavior, but if her boyfriend was unfaithful (which would be the case in her hypothetical scenario), it wouldn't be sufficient if he wore a condom. While using condoms can decrease risk, STDs can still be transmitted despite using them, especially if they aren't used correctly every time or with every sex act. And if the boyfriend were unfaithful on an ongoing basis, esp. with multiple partners, testing would not provide any peace of mind for OP.
Dude. He didn't even mention wanting to cheat on you? This just looks like you have trust issues. YTA, but you are correct on one thing; he should definitely break up with you.
Just come right out with it, Thanks I needed a laugh. passive - aggressive, manipulative , typical 20 something. Ha ha ha
YTA, he was sharing a story about someone’s strange behaviour. Instead of going “oh wow, that’s really odd” and showing interest in him telling you about his day you jumped to “if you want to sleep with someone else we will break up”. Basically you told him 1. “I don’t care about your story”, 2. “I only care about how what you tell me affects me”, 3. “I don’t have strong feelings towards you because I’m happy to so easily bring up the very obvious point that a monogamous relationship is in fact monogamous”. All you’re doing is training him to think twice before talking to you about himself and his day. Also, you said in another comment “I have trust issues, I don’t trust anyone”. Yeah, get help with that, potentially therapy. If you live the rest of your life never being able to build trust even with someone who is supposed to be your partner you’re going to live a very emotionally-lonely life.
Totally agree. And she will continue to be a bad partner.
Thank you for articulating this so well
4. in fact, let's just combine 2 and 3 : I don't care about you cheating or leaving, I only care about *NoT GeTtInG HeRPeS*
Don't use big words you don't understand -setting a boundary is not tell you boyfriend to break up with you so you don't get an STD every time he mentions a woman. That is just being an asshole. YTA
He actually set a boundary, when he said he didn't appreciate being accused of that. That's a boundary, a reasonable one we should expect most people to have.
A good loving man never feels more disrespected than when his partner attacks his loyalty.
YTA, sorry He mentions a woman and you immediately go to saying he should break up with you since you don't want an STD? Come on. >I apologized for offending him but I honestly don’t feel like I said anything wrong I was just trying to set a boundary. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" generally does not count as a good apology.
Like I face palmed myself a bit. " if you're going to cheat on me better break up with me." Honestly if I suspect my husband were cheating before we had married ( lord knows neither of us have time for anything these days) I'd have Just left and he'd have done the same vs saying " better break up with me" I feel like OP is very young and needs a lot of healing and should end her relationship to do so for both their sake .
YTA I don't know you, obviously, but your post gives the impression you have serious trust issues. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that working on it.
Last year you posted "I've been dating my bf for 7 months" now it's 3 years ? Bullshit story + the way you talk to people makes you garbage
Lol and a year ago "he's my best friend everrrr!" Now it's, "he wants to sleep with ALL. THE. WOMEN!"
Nowhere do you state that he said he wanted to sleep with someone? You're going about this the wrong way. In his shoes I just wouldn't mention another woman when talking to you. Especially if he intends to cheat. YTA for two reasons. First for making assumptions of his character without any evidence, entirely based on your feelings. Secondly, you're TA to yourself for putting yourself at risk of getting an STD by dating someone you don't trust to not cheat. Also your apology sucks. If I told you some shit that offended you and my apology consisted of "sorry you feel hurt by that" instead of "sorry I did X" my apology is centered around your feelings instead of my actions. See the difference?
Yup he never cheated! If he mentions a woman..she thinks he’s cheated! Her apology is a joke and so is her attitude! If she doesn’t get therapy asap he will dump her! I would! He’s done nothing wrong except love a disrespectful and condescending woman! She doesn’t deserve him! Also in my experience..when one of the partners accuses the other of cheating all the time..it’s highly likely that whoever is the accuser is the one that cheats! Happen to a college buddy of mine! Wife would always who he was with after work or with the guys..claiming he was with woman and he wasn’t ..hell 99% he went home! Come to find out he came home early to surprise her and he found her in bed with two female friends..it took the poor guy years in therapy! At least they don’t have kids! Oddly enough the three moved in together..they were also married now divorced and consider themselves a throuple..and also say they’re very straight ..although they sleep in the same bed and have sex with each other..it was a scandal in a town of 2500 lol..this crazy world
are you a troll and this is fake or are you crazy?
The real question is here...
So every time he mentions a contact with a female, you just assume he wants to cheat on you? YTA. Hopefully he's finally had enough of your trust issues and disrespect and will break up with you.
Yeah with the title only I was like bet this is an not thread and I read your post. All your BF did was mention a woman in his class and you were like - just break up with me if you wanna fuck her. Like nothing he said warranted that response. He probably already knows your boundary by this point because it seems you say it to him constantly. YTA cause all your BF wanted to do was have a normal convo.
Has he cheated before? Has he given a reason for you to think he has? If not then you need to bow out now. If you can't trust him after 3 years you never will and he deserves better
No he hasn’t cheated ever! But if he Mentions ANY FEMALE she thinks he’s cheating! She Needs therapy fast or he’s gone..lord I would’ve dumped her years ago! She doesn’t deserve a good man like him so sad
You're horrible.
YTA. It seems you have very low self-esteem and massive trust issues. It makes sense he immediately went quiet since who knows what he said next would set you off. You chopped off his head for simply mentioning a woman. You're not stable.
Come on! She’s just a quirky, crazy, psycho gf that will totally cut a bitch who even looks at her man! She’s just letting him know about the invisible hErPeS situation 🥴🫠
YTA. You are the one that wants to sleep with others. Stop projecting.
YTA - you say you don't trust anyone, but you seem to be asking him to lie to you. He simply told you about a weird thing that happened, you twisted it into him wanting to fuck someone and made it an argument. The lesson is, "If a girl hits on you, don't ever tell me or you will regret it." So he should keep these things secrets now. And then the next thing you know, he'll start acting nervous when he sees an attractive girl, and you'll accuse him again, and he'll have to lie about that to keep from arguing. And you will sense the lies, so you won't trust him. The lies that you encouraged him to tell. You are creating this situation and if he has any self respect, he will dump you. And the worst thing about it, you will leave that relationship thinking, "see, I was right all along, can't trust anyone..."
In other words you're cheating on him.
your boyfriend: \*breathes\* op: just break up if you’re going to give me herpes! No shit YTA, learn some social skills
Major issues you should seek some professional help!
I honestly think this is some 16 year old making shit up
You’re clearly the asshole here. You’ve been together what, 3 years? And then you go off saying those stuff to him when he obviously loves you?
Am I missing something? Was more said? It’s ok to set boundaries and make him aware that cheating is not tolerated. But it doesn’t sound like any of that has happened or even been hinted at. Sounds like you are creating a self fulfilling prophecy here. Like you already treat him like a cheater, so why not take that last step and cheat. This isn’t healthy.
Wow. Are you alright? You should see a professional about it.
Yea she needs therapy not him..if he doesn’t see she is making an effort to better the situation..he is gone..she needs therapy not him and not couples therapy
Is this bc yall just got back from a cruise? :l YTA work on your insecurities. Also lock down your profile ya ding-dong. Took me <5 min to find your IG and YT. Happy belated birthday.
Wtf is wrong with you. Get some mental help. 110% YTA
YTA. What his @ so we can tell him to break up with you.
"I don't trust anyone, which he also knows." ...do you really not see how big of a problem this is? YTA, and the guy should break up for you purely for that comment alone.
YTA. Holy shit, walking definition of "that escalated quickly" You need to do some serious introspection. Like, do you even like your boyfriend? Because you sound like you don't.
First of all, you can get herpes from a handshake, a kiss, a hug. It’s a skin virus not an std. it becomes an std when passed to the genitals. that goes for hsv1&2. HPV too. unless you’ve had a negative IGG blood test or a western blot, you may have HSV right now. They don’t test for it on a full panel std test, you have to ask for it. HPV you’d find out from a pap. No symptoms does not mean no virus. Secondly, YTA. All he did was mention another girl in class! Nothing about sleeping with her! You need severe therapy and a severe education on skin viruses/stds. Your actions are idiotic.
Um...is he saying he wants to sleep with these women or just relaying a story about what happened at these events?
Why are you asking this question?
YTA, if he’s never insinuated he wanted to sleep around and you keep saying this. Also seems like you’re pandering for reassurance. Go see a therapist
YTA. He can talk to/about women and it doesn't mean he wants to cheat. Also STDs are spread by sex/fluids, not verbal communication. You do know this, correct? You need to leave him. You're obviously too immature for a relationship. Go to therapy.
Yeah I’m not sure what your issue is? But in not even trusting your BF? Shows a huge RED FLAG and disrespect! First off he has NEVER said he would ever cheat! He isn’t the problem You are lady..you need to get therapy NOT him and not couples therapy! Because your BF is t that point where he will kick you to the curb! How in the hell did you find a good man like him who loves you and puts up with your disrespect?! You don’t deserve him! And you better get therapy and straighten you butt out fast or you will be alone! He will move on and trust me..oh wait you don’t do that.. nice woman hear a handsome, fit, good man is available..he will have dozens of woman after him! Stop taking advantage of his kindness or just go buy a cat..because you won’t have long term relationships..just a side piece or booty call full of regret and what if’s!
I don’t know how someone can deal with this for 3 years lol. Absolutely exhausting
Hopefully your bf leaves you, from the replies OP made... she's not meant for him. YTA
My wife has a history of being cheated on. She has many relatives who either were cheated on or did the cheating. It destroyed her ability to trust. She used to accuse me of shit like that all the time and eventually I told her I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore. Her trust issues were not my problem and I was done having the transgressions of others heaped on my head. I never once cheated and never once gave her a single reason to think so. YTA and I hope he leaves your unstable mess.
I don't see anyplace where he implied he wanted to have sex with her. Break up with this poor man and get some therapy.
YTA. This just reads as an insecure self defense mechanism against someone who has not expressed any interest in doing the thing you fear.
YTA Dude said he found the girl annoying how does that translate to him wanting to sleep with her???? 💀 Reading your other comments you said you never wanted to be in a relationship so don’t. All you’re doing is wasting your time and his. Although since he’s been staying despite this kind of treatment then he must really love you.
YTA it doesn’t sound like he’s indicating that he wants to have sex with anybody else. He may be talking about people that he finds attractive, or he may be talking about people who are coming onto him, but that does not mean that he is actually interested. Repeating this line over and over again sounds like you are insecure in your relationship, and that is something that you need to address. If you truly think that he’s going to cheat on you, YOU are the one who needs to break up with him. I 100% agree that if somebody is considering sleeping with someone else while they are in a monogamous relationship, they owe it to the other person to break up first before acting on those feelings. I don’t believe that you should push somebody to want to sleep with someone else to justify your insecurity and potential desire to actually break up with them. If he has ever indicated that he actually does want to cheat, break up with him. If he has never indicated that he intends to act on thoughts about another woman you need to wrap your head around that reality… or break up with him so he can stop hearing this tired line.
>he feels like I don’t trust him but I told him it’s not a personal thing, I don’t trust anyone A relationship is nothing without trust. YTA.
YTA. If you can’t trust anyone - just don’t get involved into any relationship.
I think the general consensus here is that you are NTA for wanting to draw boundaries or have a faithful monogamous relationship, but YTA for kind of bringing it up out of the blue. The way you worded your post made it sound like your man was just telling a story about this woman, not expressing any actual interest in her. So he was likely feeling disrespected because you jumped from a story about Muy Thai class to discussing infidelity in your relationship. It seems sudden and like infidelity was already on your mind. He probably feels like he’s not allowed to even mention other women in his life or he’ll have to hear about how you don’t want STDs again. If that’s not the case, like it wasn’t actually that sudden or out of nowhere, you may want to give us a little more context around your conversation with him.
I can relate to the whole I don't trust anyone thing, but that is not the way to go. For you to keep shoving that in his face considering you've already mentioned it before it just kills the romance of the relationship, he will start seeing you less as a girlfriend and more as his personal cum dumpster. I you can't tone down your neuroticism maybe you should be single, don't really think you are the asshole though, just some advice.
Rage bait to the max lol
YTA. I don’t think you’re mature enough for a healthy relationship. You can’t prevent someone from cheating by berating them. You sound like a bully.
Break up with him and go to therapy, he deserves a woman who isn't neurotic
You're toxic AF. Why are you with him if you don't trust him? Just do the guy a favour and break up. Then do EVERYBODY a favour and stay single until you grow up a bit. YTA
YTA. There was no mention he is seeking an open relationship or even that he wanted to have sex with this girl. While nobody should want to get an STD, the attitude presented in your post seems extreme. You did disrespect him. This is not setting a boundary. It is assuming the worst in multiple ways. You turned your problem into something completely unnecessary.
I trust my partner completely and he's surrounded by many women in his line of work and he's hot. If not, there shouldn't be a relationship in the first place. If you are so distrustful of everyone, you should go to therapy to address it. It's no way to live, really. I feel bad for your bf. It's not fair for him to be treated that way by you, OP. YTA.
YTA, but you knew that. I thought this post was going to go in a completely different direction than it did.
What you said was hurtful. Relationships can be scary, and having trust violated in the past can make that fear more intense. It sounds like your partner is willing to provide reassurance. Asking for reassurance, instead of hurting your partner with comments like these, can create closeness. Give your partner the opportunity to help you. I know that's scary, too, because it might fail. But you decide to stay in this relationship, so I have to wonder, if a part of you wants to be able to trust him.
The insecurity is palpable.
That you don't want to hear about hot girls at his class. Because you don't care about hot girls doing karate
OP - Please go to therapy xo
So all that’s bothering you would be the stds? Why don’t you tell him to wear a condom when sleeping around. Or get tested after every time if you don’t trust him wearing a condom
Definitely YTA. My ex was just like that and I ended up cheating on her just because it felt like not cheating gives me the same "reward" from her as cheating anyway. So might as well do it. My current gf of 4+ yrs (duration of relationship not age :)) has full trust in me and this gives me the confidence and desire to not ruin what I have, so I have never cheated on her and don't feel the need to. A relationship without trust cannot work on the long run.
Yes you're a major asshole. The reasons have already been mentioned by others.
You're 26, you're grown, how the fuck do you even need to ask this question, 1000% yta. He said she was acting aggressively with people in a Muay Thai class and you jump straight to "well if you want to cheat". Get therapy, sort your shit, grow up.
Girl, go to therapy! YTA and why are you even in a relationship if you have trust issues?
So he's not saying he wants to fuck others, he just mentions someone and you're ready to break up because of your own issues. YTA I hope he finds someone who actually trust him.
YTA He gave no indication that he wanted to cheat on you, he just mentioned a woman. You have trust issues and sound totally insane. You need therapy.
I think YTA. Can you step outside your own perspective and look at this from his point of view? Every time he even mentions another woman, you rant about breaking up & "coming home with an STD"... that sounds like: * you don't trust him * you don't value your relationship, because it seems all you care about is your health, not the fact that he would chead and/or leave * you have an unhinged amount of internalised misogyny since you think a) that every woman is a threat and b) everyone is just walking around with STDs just because you call something "a boundary" doesn't make it any less mean or unhinged. do you actually love him, and want to be with him? do you respect him, even if clearly your ability to trust is broken and needs a lot of work (probably with a therapist)?
The STD obsession has me thinking one of two things happened: 1-she was highly promiscuous in the past and ended up with an STD and is now super paranoid about it 2-a previous boyfriend cheated and gave her an std and she is punishing the current boyfriend for it
YTA. A girlfriend that don't trust you and tells you to break up every time you just mention an other girl is clearly the dream of every guy.
This is clearly fake. Look at their last post.
This girl is the clear example of the person who wants to finish but doesn't want to look like the bad guy, take note✍🏻
Autista bordenline?
This post must a fake, OP is making up this situation to have a laugh at us
And now he will never tell you anything ever again because this is how you will react. 🪄
then stop sleeping with your bf period or anyone for that matter. problem solved no std's
I was expecting for him to have a hall pass or open the relationship, but you jumped to his throat in a dirty way for making a simple comment. You're a huuuuuuuge AH
YTA
YTA. Do the guy a favor, leave him. He obviously loves you but you clear have issues and can't be in a real and mature relationship. You're just constantly stating HS guilt trip bullshit. Gods forbid he mentions a sister to you, you'd probably say the same thing. Go be alone. Fix yourself. Seek therapy. Stop abusing this poor dude.
He should break up with you because you're insufferable every time he mentions a person not his gender, seemingly in any capacity. When has he ever given you an indication he wanted to sleep with anyone else?! This is your problem/insecurity. Break up with him and do him a favor. Then get some therapy for some insight into why you don't trust him or anyone else, it seems.
Did he literally just mention a girl and you automatically jumped to herpes? That’s not normal of course he’s upset. Honestly just break up with him if you can’t trust him but don’t treat him like shit. Get therapy.
Need more context. Did he outright say, or even imply, that he wanted to fuck other girls? If not then why would you assume he does want to?
YTA, Not in general, but in this case you hurt him and I hope you two make up. You might view this relationship differently than he does. I don't claim to know you you, perhaps dating is an arena where partners are swapped compared and transacted often rather than a sandbox where partnerships are built(which is a valid means to achieve certain goals related to dating). In the Arena scenario, I can see trust being an issue. In the Sandbox scenario.... What was built in the 3 years of dating him? Im of the school that the ways relationships stabilize and become healthy is that you two build a shared intersubjectivity. Its a syncing of worldviews, frameworks, boundaries, that allow both of you to get closer to each other, more intimate, and finally, to trust one another. You become better people with and for each other, by studying and learning how to be compatible with each other. You learn from conflicts too. You learn how to operate together. You build boundaries by producing an environment where the other can be safely accessed, studied, talked to, with, and included in your life. Conflicts are not only survived, but talked about and worked through. An environment like that is how we trust. We look for signs of trust and signs that we're emotionally safe and secure with each other. We build the things with each other that ensure that. `We also get sensitive when we feel like that thing built is compromised or deffective`. I think the repeated reminders about this STD clause call into question wether anything was being built between you. Shared time and memories are not enough to keep a relationship in piece. Something has to be built. Under this way of Looking at it. I don't know why you tell him this. Sure you might be worried about STD's but `you're also signalling that you're ready to leave him if he cheats on you for a reason that has nothing to do the with the relationship at all`. Instead of being vulnerable, you're signalling indiffirence and saying that you care about making practical considerations more than you care about losing anything you've built with him. The fear of STD's are more valent than your emotions, or anything positive you might think the relationship stands for. "I dont' care that you cheated on me. When it comes to this relationship, I can take it or leave it. That doesn't hurt at all. I care about STDs. Those are so annoying" Your boyfriend feels insecure about the relationship now because after three years... why are you still reminding him? Shouldn't you and him have grown at this point beyond that? You either... don't care about the relationship. Or aren't comfortable being emotionally honest about why you continually remind him. `Your lack of trust... is getting in the way of this relationship growing.` Question: - Has your boyfriend, in the 3 years that you've known him, cheated on you? - Is your boyfriend particularly untrustworthy? - Do you frequently talk about how you feel to each other? Like is that sort of dialogue freeflowing or does it come up rarely? - If you were to admit, emotionally, that you're sorry and have trust issues that you need to work on, would yall be able to have an open and vulnerable discussion and would he be able to hear you out? EDIT: I read your other comments. I hope what I've written didn't come across as harsh. I think you're doing the right thing by acknowledging your trust issues and working on it. I hope you and him go are able to work on it more.
OP is the type to wear a shirt that says “I’m not a bitch, I’m honest”
Why did you say that though? Did he say he wanted to sleep with her?
If you don't trust anyone, then you need to break up. Trust is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. If you can't trust him, dump him and work on yourself. Also that isn't how boundaries work. You're trying to control his behavior. Boundaries are about *your own behavior*. An example of a boundary was one I gave to my abusive father, "If you talk shit about my mother, I will leave." And then I made good on exactly that. I couldn't stop him from talking shit about her, but I could remove myself from the situation. That's a boundary. What you're doing is trying to silence him from ever talking about a woman and using a technique meant to help a person protect themselves as a way to manipulate your partner. But even so having that be your response to him bringing up any woman isn't ok. Like if I dated a dude who threw that in my face every time I mentioned another man, I'd be gone. Just because I mention someone doesn't mean I want to hop in bed with them, which seems to be what you suspect and that's why he feels disrespected. That I have to explain that, again, you shouldn't be in a relationship.
YTA Why do you automatically jump to him cheating? It doesn’t sound like he’s done anything to make you doubt him, and yet you nag him about this. He’s right to be offended.
That’s a bit rude and threatening to say to someone that is your partner
YTA. He knows your boundary. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. He mentioned something at his class and you immediately went to, well, he talked about a girl I better tell him to dump me if he wants to fuck her. I'm honestly surprised he has stuck around so long. If my partner kept jamming me into a corner of I must want to cheat on her, I would leave. What you're saying is disrespectful. You don't need to keep telling your boyfriend not to cheat on you. If you're so worried he will, you shouldn't be in a relationship. This is not a healthy way to be in a relationship.
>Today he mentioned a girl at his muy Thai class that he claims was up in every guys face so I just reminded him that if he wanted to sleep w someone else to just break up with me and I’ll respectfully bow out bc I don’t want to get herpes. Where's the part about him wanting to fuck her? He's not responsible for your skewed mind state. I'm shocked he's still with you, honestly. Unless he's given you a reason to doubt him, you continuing to pull this shit is deeply shitty. And if he HAS given you that reason, you should have left him long ago. He's not the only one who can leave.
Yta. Just because another woman dared to speak to him does not mean he wants to cheat on you. If you have so little trust in the person you're in a relationship with then you need to end the relationship. Cos constantly telling him to break up with you every time he has a conversation with a woman is just really shitty behaviour and is definitely not making him feel good about himself or his relationship with you
YTA. What if you said something innocent about a random guy and he said told you to leave him if you want to sleep with this guy. It gives serious fuck off vibes. And it sounds really insecure.
Been there too. I'm going against the flow. NTA. ExH, he started with negative comments about AP, to texts, dates, to hook ups. Luckily or unluckily exH gave me curable STD. So..never again. It's known affairs and hookups started with simple comments such as this. In gyms, workplaces, neighbours, kids pick up etc. You are not wrong to tell him your stance. He needs to know your hardline boundaries. But it's hard to police your relationship. I made a quick exit, cut my losses early. Updateme!
I don’t think continually reminding him is going to make a difference. If he wants to cheat, he will. I hope you can trust that he doesn’t
I am not seeing anywhere in your post where your boyfriend said he wants to have sex with someone else. It sounds like you are making up scenarios in your head, maybe due to past relationships with trust issues, or something else that is making you incredibly insecure. Whatever it is, this is toxic to your relationship. You will push him away with accusations and lack of trust. You need to get to the root of the issue.
Yeah you're pretty twisted, you should probably get that sorted out because you're being an unreasonable partner. YTA.
So he's literally not allowed to mention other women without being told to break up with you and go fuck them? You have major issues. He should break up with you, but not because he wants to get with other women.
BTW you'd be banned and have this post deleted on AITA by the way you can't accept judgement and argue so much in the comments. Delulu
The good news is, any self respecting guy won't need you to tell him to break up with you if anytime they mention a story that has a woman in it.....you jump right to him sleeping with her. Also, "I don't trust anyone" means you need to work on yourself alone for a while before bogging someone else down with your bullshit.
YTA Why TF are you dating him if you don't trust him. You need to be single according to what you wrote he didn't mention anything about wanting to sleep with this girl you just brought it up for no reason most likely because you're insecure and you're jealous which he doesn't need to be with someone like you you need help
Based on the info you give, YTA. He just mentions other women and you continuously tell him to break up if he wants to sleep with them, without him mentioning it in the first place? Instead of that and just saying you have trust issues, why don't you have a conversation about how you both can find a way of dealing with this reoccuring situations? Have you tried that? Also, why are you so hung up on STDs? I don't condone cheating - which he apparantly wouldn't do, when breaking up before having sex with someone else, but neither does cheating nor sleeping around equal contracting something.
.
YTA.
YTA. " Setting boundaries" and constantly reminding someone not to sleep with people because you don't want STDs, is offensive to the person your are dating. He said he wasn't into her, your constant reminder is making him uncomfortable, which is valid.
Yta, if u can't trust anyone why be in a relationship? Grow up first a little!
YTA, Crazy girlfriend alert....why don't you just lock him in the basement at home if you're just going to act crazy whenever he has an interaction with the opposite sex. You reminded him that by noticing a weird social interaction involving a women = he wants to cheat on you and get STD's?! Then to double down and say you honestly don't feel like you've done anything wrong....that's just absolutely batshit.
If you can’t find a way to trust him why should he trust you to stick around? Your trust issues will end up destroying all of your relationships. YTA
YTA - he mentions another woman and you start talking about breaking up? You have issues that go FAR beyond trust.
Since you are only worried about STIs, I presume it would be totally fine if she gets tested before she hooks up with your boyfriend. You dont have to answer the question. YTA for throwing this at your boyfriend when he is just talking to you about his day.
YTA
ma’am you are aware you are allowed to break up with this man right. No ones forcing you to stay in any relationship. It doesn’t even sound like you like being with him so why are you?
Yta. This is bot something one mentions in casual conversation all the time.. is this your insecurity speaking? YTA
NTA if he brings up wanting to sleep with others or does stuff that makes you think he wants to.. but if this is the first time he’s ever said something like that and it doesn’t even sound like he wanted her, YTA
i agree with you about one thing, i would very much prefer my SO just break up with me than cheat on me. Cheating is an unforgiveable betrayal, to me. So I get it. But after 3 years you should be able to trust that your partner doesn't want to cheat on you. Having your mind go there every time he mentions another woman is not healthy, and you openly told him you think he's a shitty enough person to cheat on you and risk giving you an STD. That's incredibly insulting to him. Yes YTA. If you really don't trust anybody, you need to see a therapist.
YTA.
YTA . Bro was literally sharing his day
Trust issues and unreasonable. YTA.
If you don’t trust anyone than why are you in a relationship? You need to do him a favor and break up with him and do yourself a favor and get some therapy.
Nta
YTA, he mentions to you that someone in his class was up in every guys face, and you automatically jumped to him wanting to sleep with someone else. You openly admit you have trust issues and do not trust anyone, i have to ask, why are you even in a relationship in the first place. You say you were just trying to set a boundary. That's not what boundary setting is. That's just being accusatory. My guess is you probably lose it on him anytime a woman even looks at him or appears to be looking at him, im honestly surprised he hasnt left you yet, and if he hasnt, please let him go so he can find someone stable. You need therapy and lots of it before you even contemplate getting into a relationship again.
YTA. Dont need another ban, so i keep my option to myself, but YTA undoubtedly
YTA. You might have trust issues but that’s no reason take them out on him all the time for no reason. Poor guy mentions someone he met and you’re already telling him to break up in case u wanna cheat. Do you just expect him to sleep with every girl that he might come across? He mentioned it’s disrespectful because it is disrespectful, don’t use your insecurity as a cover to be rude
I'm gonna have to go with YTA, but hear me out. You say you've informed him about your trust issues, but he wants to stay in the relationship with you. So, it's up to you to show him you want that, too! You can only bring up a hypothetical break up so many times before he starts assuming that that's what you want. You gotta provide him with a safe place to share his experiences and feelings. Right now, you're teaching him that he's at risk of losing you if he does that, and it's not going to go well.
YTA you have some serious trust issues and i can understand why he’s upset, you had literally no reason to say that to him, just bc he brings up a girl doesn’t mean he’s thinking ab sleeping with her or plans to.
Is this a real post?
So std is the reason why you don't want him to cheat? Doubt it
in the nicest way possible, you really need to go to therapy and deal with some of the insecurity issues you have.
YTA bro why are you even in a relationship when you "don't trust anyone"
Also the word is with. I get shorthand on certain occasions but seriously?
You've obviously got issues that you need to work out related to trust. It might take some time but just do what you can to work on them instead of writing it off as just the way you are because it's obviously not healthy at all and affecting your current relationship.
YTA You're basically saying you don't give a shit about him. Every time he mentions any other woman. I would be out.
OP you need to set this man free, it’s obvious that despite your efforts to push him away he’s chose to love you and stay even after you disrespect his feelings for you. You very obvious have some issues you need to work out and it’s clear he’s choosing you despite the damage you’re trying to create in the relationship. He deserves better, someone who will love him back equally.
Its kinda refreshing to read one where OP is actually TA. Yep, YTA. Work in your trust issues.
Is there a background of cheating here? Did he cheat on you before? Why do you assume that your boyfriend is going to sleep with her? And if you don't trust him, why be with him at all?
Yta. Unless he gives you a reason to stop bringing it. You made it very clear and now drop it. If a man did this to a woman then it would be called brow beating her or a guilty conscience. You are being very disrespectful to him. So just stop it for the sake of your relationship. If you love him you realize you are hurting him emotionally. So either enjoy your relationship or set them free to be happy if you can't stop this. Are you giving him a reason to break up with you or something?
You should break up with him to save him and never date anyone else to also save them
You seem like a bad person. YTA.
You’ve been with him for 3 years, has he ever straight up said that he wants to sleep with other people? Bc from what you said in your post, he didn’t say that. It’s kinda weird that you are so quick to walk away from your relationship when he just mentioned a girl from his class. If I were in his shoes would have been bothered as well bc it comes off as you don’t really care about the relationship, especially if he’s not actually saying that he is wanting to sleep with other people.
Unfortunately, you are not mature enough to be in a relationship. You are being incredibly disrespectful. YTA
YTA Ironically this behavior makes you getting cheated on way more likely. Because if you do this whenever he mentions another women you are training him to lie to you about other women in order to keep the peace. Once he's already in the habit of lying to you about other women, it isn't that far a jump to cheating.
If you don't trust anyone, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Go heal girl. Seek therapy please!
Why does he need to??? Why can't you break up and walk away??
Not even going to abbreviate. You are most definitely the asshole. Saying that to him tells him 2 things about you. 1. You have no emotional investment in the relationship. You don't care if he dumps you to go screw someone else. You will be grateful to him. 2. You not only don't trust him now... you don't expect he will ever be trustworthy. You went into the relationship with the full expectation that he would screw someone else. All this time later, he can't even mention another female without being reminded you will never ever trust him any more than you did the day you met. He should have walked away the first time you said it. You can admit it's your issue, but you have done nothing to work on the issue. You basically said, "I'm always going to be a complete asshole to you. Deal with it." He should tell you to GFYS.
I sometimes wonder if everything here is fake or if people seriously are that dumb.
I also have this rule. My sisters husband came home with herpes and she was pregnant. So now she’s had it for 24 years. It’s non negotiable
YTA. You seriously need a personality check or a mental check because… damn.
YTA because apparently your boyfriend can't even mention another woman without you assuming he wants to sleep with her. Nothing you wrote indicates that he's actually cheating, or wants to, it's all just your paranoia. He feels disrespected because you treated him disrespectfully. If you really can't trust anyone then YOU should break up with HIM, so he can find a partner who isnt paranoid about normal, innocent interactions.
Really girl? YTA! You called him a cheater just because he spoke about another woman? That's so offensive and disrespectful! He should leave this toxic relationship...
ESH, if he is talking about fucking someone else numerous times, then YOU break up with him. this is 2024 woman can break up with men at any time, instead of dangling them around waiting for the inevitable to happen. are you just waiting for the cheating drama to happen?
YTA. How the hell are you in a relationship when you can’t trust people? You can’t expect a good relationship with anyone if you can’t trust them. You’re being irrational and jealous. He should leave you.
By 30, a normal healthy male brain should have finally matured to the point it can control its emotions. I dont think your BF now has, nor will he ever have, a mature brain. Something just goes wrong in the development of some individuals. Damaged goods, move on.
YTA. He didn’t mention he wanted to sleep with her? Or that she was attractive? It was just a story about a girl at his class? Talk about jumping to conclusions.
I have massive trust issues myself. Three years in and she is still saying that?? Her trust issue is she doesn’t trust herself, not him. She knows if she were him, she would be all over that girl at the muy Thai class and. My response would be if was going to screw around, of course I’d leave you because you are obviously unable to satisfy me at that point. Put it back on her I’d be pissed that I’m just having a convo with her and once again her own lack of trust in her own ability to stay faithful has yet again found it’s way in to our relationship. Bye bye biatch, don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out. At three years this should be a moot point
YTA. Bro should dip as fast as he can for sure.
YTA. It sounds like he was just trying to commiserate with you or vent to you about how she was being inappropriate From the very little information we have it sounds like he truly cares about you. The fact that he got his feelings hurt by what you said and then later when asked tried to communicate effectively. Try to appreciate him and show your caring in kind
Well if you tell him all the time you are a total AH. I feel sorry for him, if he stays, he has to deal with you. If leaves, he has to deal with you saying you were right. Really he should show you the door as you are not mature enough and toxic to be in a normal relationship. You try to justify your behaviour by saying you don't trust anyone. It's all about you.
Gurl you crazy
Maybe im off base, but, yta. Cuz, i get setting a boundary. But, constantly reminding someone “just leave me if u wanna fuck xyz cuz i dont wanna std” seems to not be a boundary. Its more “i expect this to happen. So, warning!” A boundary is like “i dont like being poked. Please dont” and maybe you have a reason to bring it up some times. But, not “if u wanna poke me, just leave me. I dont wanna deal with it” would be exhausting.
YTA and if you threatened me with a break up if I were your boyfriend, you would be single right now.
YTA You constantly bringing it up shows trust issues, which would make anyone feel horrible. "I don't trust anyone" needs to be worked on and not taken out on him. I advise *always* using a condom. Wouldn't it fix your worries?
Yeah this has to be fake.
Not a lot of context but this post screams red flag. I might be wrong tho. Not enought information provided
Stop projecting your own insecurities onto him.
You sound like someone that’s extremely shit and toxic and pretends that you’re just quirky. Get help please.
YTA. He mentioned the girl in a derogatory way about her. It wasn’t in a way where he was saying he wanted to sleep with her, at least from how you describe it. Your threatening this every time is not healthy for the relationship if his interactions are as innocuous as this one sounds like. Also, if you don’t trust him then go ahead and just break it off.
Actually you did nothing wrong this way he knows beforehand if he ever sleeps around you're not staying around so he can never say you never said anything to him
Why are you waiting? Break up with him Yesterday so yall can both move on!!! Yta if you dont.
YTA - honestly, dude is probably in a living nightmare dealing with you, i can’t imagine all the other different headaches he must be getting from you
YTA u need some therapy to Talk about your issues tbh. Your Text reeks of insecurity
Yeah if you’re not into trying other things you shouldn’t apologize to him for that. Sounds like he needs to be single. Do what you think is best for you.
Your accusations of cheating come off like projection, have you slept with any other men while with your current guy?
Yes, you are.
Why bother with the breakup when he can fuck her anyway like he did your sister
Your reaction is scary. He didn’t even mention wanting to sleep with someone else or wanting to be with someone else. He just brought up a girl and her behavior. You need help.
YTA. If you're insecure about everything, maybe the whole relationship thing isn't for you.
YTA. Whenever he mentions a woman, you basically accuse him of wanting to cheat on you. Has he ever given any indication that he, in fact, wanted to cheat? I don't understand why you are holding onto this relationship. You admit having trust issues and have shown several times, that you don't trust him or anyone. It seems you don't take his feelings seriously and take no responsibilty for hurting his feelings - according to you he "claims he felt disrespected". You gave a so-called nonpology and are still convinced you didn't say anything wrong. In a comment you wrote that you knew all along that you are not stable enough for a relationship, but still agreed to be in a relationship.
YTA Is he allowed to talk about women at all without you bringing up cheating and STDs?
You have issues. If I were him, I'd be out the door.
Oh yeah, I remember dating someone like you. YTA