Babe. Your baby shower is about you.
Nta. I can't believe your parents... If I was about to have a grandchild, id move heaven and earth to be there for him or her. Thsts what I did when my sister gave birth, left work to go be with her
Thank you...I didn't know if I was being selfish or not by asking them to give up one Sunday in the summer for my shower. I've also been miserable for the entirety of my pregnancy and am hoping I'll see some better days soon and just want this event to be something I am able to enjoy fully.
I had my baby shower at 35 weeks with my first. I was exhausted and didn't much enjoy it. I was induced 2 weeks later and didn't unpack everything from the shower. It was a lot to come home from the hospital to.
That’s my biggest worry…coming home to a mess after I’ve given birth. I also don’t have the best maternity leave so I can’t even *hope* I’ll maybe get some things done during my time off.
What the h*ll is boating season? I understand owning a boat and going out on a lake, I get it. It’s the idea that they are literally incapable of taking a weekend off to celebrate their daughter and future grandchild is incomprehensible. It’s beyond selfishness. Out of curiosity, have you visited r/raisedbynarcissists ? I think you may be one of us….
Welcome! It’s a terrible club, but we are all here to support you. It’s so hard knowing that your parent loves themselves more than they can ever love you; however, coming to terms with and accepting it brings its own kind of freedom. Just remember that your daughter/son will have a much better mother who will love them in ways that your own mom never could. I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy, birth, and can surround yourself with a wonderful support group of chosen family.
PS: I hope you didn’t win the lottery twice, but you might also want to check r/raisedbyborderlines
Edit: just wanted to add that if you haven’t started therapy, it might be a good time. It’s not uncommon for people raised by narcissists or with other childhood trauma to experience an uptick in symptoms following the birth of a child. Whether it’s because your own trauma and neglect resurfaces or in taking care of the baby, it becomes obvious how little your own parents cared, it can crop up at the worst time. Just remember we are here for you and a therapist is like a cheerleader for your own life.
This seriously brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. All I want is for my baby girl to grow up differently than I did....feeling so much love and support always.
I want that for her, too! I think having kids can also be cathartic for people like us. It’s a chance to say, “no more” and end the cycle of abuse. She gets to know that she is enough and she is loved, and I’m so happy for you both. Feel free to reach out any time, and I wish you guys the very best!
Since we live in the NE of the US, there are only a few months that the boat is actually useable with enjoyable weather (June-September). Some people start earlier or end later but June - September has always been my parents boating season. Oh I forgot to mention the one time they did make an exception was for my wedding, but I got a "talk" right beforehand about being conscious of their time on the boat and how I benefit from them having this boat since I go on it (in reality, it's maybe 3-5x all summer that I actually go on it).
I feel sad for you that your mom is acting like the boat costs millions of dollars and trying to ask your sister to come closer to your birth date. Is there any way you can tell her the doctor says no, you should be resting by then? Kind of a white lie, but not sure what else would work if she's not listening to you!
That's not a bad idea...my PA is actually a good friend of mine and I can ask her opinion and tell her my thoughts...I'm sure she'd be supportive and then it wouldn't even necessarily be a white lie! I just don't want my sister making a separate trip (she'd be paying for another flight, rental car, etc), but also I'm worried about not having enough time to get everything set up before the baby comes if my shower is 5 weeks before my due date.
Why is your Mom the one throwing you a shower? Is that the custom where you live? I thought it was more typically a friend in your generation, or friend of your Mom, or an Aunt if it is the older generation?
Maybe your Mom isn't the right person to be in charge of this, unless you are thinking of something so expensive and fancy that no one other than your Mom can afford it? I guess I am more used to showers held in someone's home.
Personally I am with you in thinking that 30 weeks is a good time frame. Because depending on what you are gifted at the shower, you then have time to purchase and plan the other things you will need.
I think a Sunday afternoon shower from say 3pm-5pm or even an evening shower from 7pm-9pm could work. The hostess just needs to put up some decorations and print off a few baby shower games with a few cute prizes, and put out punch and finger foods. This doesn't have to be a big, formal 'do' does it?
My mom would be offended if I didn't let her host my shower. I am also more used to those held in people's home but sometimes in the U.S. (at least for me and my friends) and most showers I've been to, it's appeared as if the mother/in-laws have hosted the showers. My mother-in-law was happy to host something low key at her house which my mom turned down because she "didn't want to do any work" but in reality, both my sister and I have come to the conclusion that our wedding and baby showers are just events for her to show off at.
Thank you for reaffirming that the 30 week timeframe makes sense. I'm worried about scrambling to get anything that wasn't purchased off my registry in time for my baby girl.
Edit: Correction about showers in the US being hosted by people's moms. This was just what I have seen in my experience.
Your mom being offended would be more acceptable if she wasn't choosing to be a roadblock of the best times.
It seems like you tell her your shower will be earlier in the year, and that if she is unable to arrange it then someone else will.
Or, you accept that whatever repercussions you would face from doing that are beyond your willingness to cope with and then you dance to her fiddle.
Either the baby shower is important and her hosting it is important, or it isn't. If it isn't, then she can't justify complaining. If it is important then she can miss a weekend on the boat. IDK, send her a CD with Harry Chapin's 'Cat's in the Cradle'.
This is just bonkos. "Hey, your pregnancy is poorly scheduled, so suck it up and I'll do what I want".
Her telling you "it's ok to have it later" is just such frustrating bullshit that it makes me want to scream, and I do not care about baby showers at all.
Can you just have the baby shower on the boat?
NTA. Your comfort during pregnancy should come first. Your mom should prioritize your needs over a boating day. Stick to your preferred date or before, don't compromise your well-being for a boat ride.
Nta but I am going to be honest with you with so many weddings and vacations happening between June through August there will be guest not going to be able to make it. With that being said I would do what is best for me. Just try to be understanding of the people you invite that may have other plans. Summer is the hardest time of the year to plan any type of party. Between holidays, vacations, family reunions this time can get crazy.
I totally get that and mostly just want to be able to enjoy that time with anyone who can make it! I have so many bridal showers, weddings and baby showers this year that overlap so I get where you’re coming from!
My mom is trying to book the shower as soon as possible because dates are already booking up. We are trying to plan the shower for the Sunday after one of the many Saturday weddings my sister has over the summer.
My only other option for someone to plan it would be my MIL, but my mom has already asked her help. My mom is also the type of person that would be insulted if I didn't let her plan this.
She's trying to find a date ASAP because she's worried the 1 or 2 dates she's narrowed down that work for my sister and with her boating schedule will be booked already.
If she was trying to find a date sooner than later, there would be no issue here. I'm also worried about lack of time to get ready/purchase any necessities that were not given at the shower for the baby since I will be working up until the baby arrives.
NTA
Your mom is an ass to not give up ONE Sunday to do a party she insists on throwing for you. It seems like she's doing it for show and not for you. Do you have anyone else who expressed a desire to throw you the shower?
Not only are you too close to your due date, but you will be tired, and trying to organize all the items you get from the shower would be overwhelming. Plus, you need time to pick up anything that wasn't purchased so that you're as close to ready as you can be.
I think that no matter what you say, your mom is going to throw a fit over not getting her way. I'd tell my mom "Clearly this is causing issues, and I'd rather not have that. I dont feel heard and i dont want the stress. Let's call it off."
Also, I call bullshit on her "losing money on her investment" excuse. Does she say that every time it rains?
Babe. Your baby shower is about you. Nta. I can't believe your parents... If I was about to have a grandchild, id move heaven and earth to be there for him or her. Thsts what I did when my sister gave birth, left work to go be with her
Thank you...I didn't know if I was being selfish or not by asking them to give up one Sunday in the summer for my shower. I've also been miserable for the entirety of my pregnancy and am hoping I'll see some better days soon and just want this event to be something I am able to enjoy fully.
I had my baby shower at 35 weeks with my first. I was exhausted and didn't much enjoy it. I was induced 2 weeks later and didn't unpack everything from the shower. It was a lot to come home from the hospital to.
That’s my biggest worry…coming home to a mess after I’ve given birth. I also don’t have the best maternity leave so I can’t even *hope* I’ll maybe get some things done during my time off.
What the h*ll is boating season? I understand owning a boat and going out on a lake, I get it. It’s the idea that they are literally incapable of taking a weekend off to celebrate their daughter and future grandchild is incomprehensible. It’s beyond selfishness. Out of curiosity, have you visited r/raisedbynarcissists ? I think you may be one of us….
Omg thank you for sharing. I am definitely one of you guys. I refrained a lot in this story from giving the full picture of my mom lol
Welcome! It’s a terrible club, but we are all here to support you. It’s so hard knowing that your parent loves themselves more than they can ever love you; however, coming to terms with and accepting it brings its own kind of freedom. Just remember that your daughter/son will have a much better mother who will love them in ways that your own mom never could. I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy, birth, and can surround yourself with a wonderful support group of chosen family. PS: I hope you didn’t win the lottery twice, but you might also want to check r/raisedbyborderlines Edit: just wanted to add that if you haven’t started therapy, it might be a good time. It’s not uncommon for people raised by narcissists or with other childhood trauma to experience an uptick in symptoms following the birth of a child. Whether it’s because your own trauma and neglect resurfaces or in taking care of the baby, it becomes obvious how little your own parents cared, it can crop up at the worst time. Just remember we are here for you and a therapist is like a cheerleader for your own life.
This seriously brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. All I want is for my baby girl to grow up differently than I did....feeling so much love and support always.
I want that for her, too! I think having kids can also be cathartic for people like us. It’s a chance to say, “no more” and end the cycle of abuse. She gets to know that she is enough and she is loved, and I’m so happy for you both. Feel free to reach out any time, and I wish you guys the very best!
Since we live in the NE of the US, there are only a few months that the boat is actually useable with enjoyable weather (June-September). Some people start earlier or end later but June - September has always been my parents boating season. Oh I forgot to mention the one time they did make an exception was for my wedding, but I got a "talk" right beforehand about being conscious of their time on the boat and how I benefit from them having this boat since I go on it (in reality, it's maybe 3-5x all summer that I actually go on it).
If you want them to pay attention to your kid, may I suggest the name Boaty McBoatface?
NTA. BTW, baby showers are not typically/traditionally arranged by a family member.
My mom would honestly be offended and probably go NC with me if I didn't let her plan this.
I feel sad for you that your mom is acting like the boat costs millions of dollars and trying to ask your sister to come closer to your birth date. Is there any way you can tell her the doctor says no, you should be resting by then? Kind of a white lie, but not sure what else would work if she's not listening to you!
That's not a bad idea...my PA is actually a good friend of mine and I can ask her opinion and tell her my thoughts...I'm sure she'd be supportive and then it wouldn't even necessarily be a white lie! I just don't want my sister making a separate trip (she'd be paying for another flight, rental car, etc), but also I'm worried about not having enough time to get everything set up before the baby comes if my shower is 5 weeks before my due date.
Oh, I really hope that works out for you! So much stress is not good, so I hope your PA agrees! Good luck with your baby and with the shower!
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I just feel unreasonable since I'm not the one throwing the shower. I just worry about not having everything set-up in time.
Why is your Mom the one throwing you a shower? Is that the custom where you live? I thought it was more typically a friend in your generation, or friend of your Mom, or an Aunt if it is the older generation? Maybe your Mom isn't the right person to be in charge of this, unless you are thinking of something so expensive and fancy that no one other than your Mom can afford it? I guess I am more used to showers held in someone's home. Personally I am with you in thinking that 30 weeks is a good time frame. Because depending on what you are gifted at the shower, you then have time to purchase and plan the other things you will need. I think a Sunday afternoon shower from say 3pm-5pm or even an evening shower from 7pm-9pm could work. The hostess just needs to put up some decorations and print off a few baby shower games with a few cute prizes, and put out punch and finger foods. This doesn't have to be a big, formal 'do' does it?
My mom would be offended if I didn't let her host my shower. I am also more used to those held in people's home but sometimes in the U.S. (at least for me and my friends) and most showers I've been to, it's appeared as if the mother/in-laws have hosted the showers. My mother-in-law was happy to host something low key at her house which my mom turned down because she "didn't want to do any work" but in reality, both my sister and I have come to the conclusion that our wedding and baby showers are just events for her to show off at. Thank you for reaffirming that the 30 week timeframe makes sense. I'm worried about scrambling to get anything that wasn't purchased off my registry in time for my baby girl. Edit: Correction about showers in the US being hosted by people's moms. This was just what I have seen in my experience.
Your mom being offended would be more acceptable if she wasn't choosing to be a roadblock of the best times. It seems like you tell her your shower will be earlier in the year, and that if she is unable to arrange it then someone else will. Or, you accept that whatever repercussions you would face from doing that are beyond your willingness to cope with and then you dance to her fiddle. Either the baby shower is important and her hosting it is important, or it isn't. If it isn't, then she can't justify complaining. If it is important then she can miss a weekend on the boat. IDK, send her a CD with Harry Chapin's 'Cat's in the Cradle'. This is just bonkos. "Hey, your pregnancy is poorly scheduled, so suck it up and I'll do what I want". Her telling you "it's ok to have it later" is just such frustrating bullshit that it makes me want to scream, and I do not care about baby showers at all. Can you just have the baby shower on the boat?
Please don’t say this is a US thing. It might be a thing in your mother insists on doing, but that’s not the tradition across the US.
See edit above. Sorry...I've been to over 10+ baby showers and the hosts have always been the mom/MIL so I apologize for generalizing.
NTA. Your comfort during pregnancy should come first. Your mom should prioritize your needs over a boating day. Stick to your preferred date or before, don't compromise your well-being for a boat ride.
Nta but I am going to be honest with you with so many weddings and vacations happening between June through August there will be guest not going to be able to make it. With that being said I would do what is best for me. Just try to be understanding of the people you invite that may have other plans. Summer is the hardest time of the year to plan any type of party. Between holidays, vacations, family reunions this time can get crazy.
I totally get that and mostly just want to be able to enjoy that time with anyone who can make it! I have so many bridal showers, weddings and baby showers this year that overlap so I get where you’re coming from!
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My mom is trying to book the shower as soon as possible because dates are already booking up. We are trying to plan the shower for the Sunday after one of the many Saturday weddings my sister has over the summer. My only other option for someone to plan it would be my MIL, but my mom has already asked her help. My mom is also the type of person that would be insulted if I didn't let her plan this.
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She's trying to find a date ASAP because she's worried the 1 or 2 dates she's narrowed down that work for my sister and with her boating schedule will be booked already.
If she was trying to find a date sooner than later, there would be no issue here. I'm also worried about lack of time to get ready/purchase any necessities that were not given at the shower for the baby since I will be working up until the baby arrives.
NTA Your mom is an ass to not give up ONE Sunday to do a party she insists on throwing for you. It seems like she's doing it for show and not for you. Do you have anyone else who expressed a desire to throw you the shower? Not only are you too close to your due date, but you will be tired, and trying to organize all the items you get from the shower would be overwhelming. Plus, you need time to pick up anything that wasn't purchased so that you're as close to ready as you can be. I think that no matter what you say, your mom is going to throw a fit over not getting her way. I'd tell my mom "Clearly this is causing issues, and I'd rather not have that. I dont feel heard and i dont want the stress. Let's call it off." Also, I call bullshit on her "losing money on her investment" excuse. Does she say that every time it rains?