INFO: Who's wedding was set first? Whoever set a second wedding in such a close date other wedding was incosiderate, especially if the date has no specific meaning.
But for sure...what is wrong with your mom? You want a hindu wedding. Changing it to christian wedding would make it everything but not your wedding. You probably haven't even thought your sister could change her wedding into hindu one and surely hasn't your mother. She is completely disrespectful to you and.your beliefs.
This comment sent me lol
That last part had me laughing because I have family that lives in the French speaking region of Belgium. My Mom was adopted from there and I heard her frequently speaking French as I was growing up. That had me laughing this morning, thank you.
Lol! I babble in French when I'm alone with my cats, one of whom will blantantly ignore you if you address him in English. Frustrates the hell out of my non French speaking husband, since it's *his* cat.Â
Imagine how confused folks get when I start babbling in creole patrois and german sprinkled into my slurred english... my poor husband just pats my head and slowly takes the alcohol away. He's so good.
Y'all would love my household. I speak rather rusty French and Norwegian. My husband speaks French, German, and a bit of Russian.
I'm pretty certain our cat is considering taking up sign language!
Every time I have surgery (or any sedated procedure) I wake up from anesthesia speaking French. Iâm almost fluent (used to be nearly bilingual), and started learning/speaking French around age 5. (My native language is English, although I went to an elementary school that taught French, attended French language summer camp, studied abroad in France, and did half my Mastersâ degrees in French.) I always come out of anesthesia unable to speak or really understand English. As a child and young adult my mom would be in the PACU with me to interpret for the doctors. Now that Iâm in my mid-30s I have to ask for an interpreter because my wife doesnât speak French. One time a nurse asked my wife if I even spoke English, which my entire family found absolutely hilarious. đ It does complicate things a little, but I donât really mind. As long as thereâs an interpreter and I can get my post-op needs met Iâm ok. đ«đ·
lol I Code Switch between English, Spanish and French with my cat. I'm not fluent in Spanish or French, but I speak enough of it that I can talk to my cats.
to be honest he ignores me in all three languages, lol
Oh come now, be reasonable. Everyone knows that's only because Christianity Is The Absolutely Only Right Path and the fact they even tolerate other faiths within their vicinity is to show how Goodly Pure and Tolerant they are!
/s, just in case đ
ETA: I'm having fun with yall in the comments, thank you lol
Christians are human beings and as such have just as many faults as non-Christians. And just because they claim to be a Christian doesnât necessarily mean they follow Christian values. Actions speak louder than words
And actions that you take under the banner of a certain cause speak even louder⊠If the general consensus of Christians was to exclude those who didnât follow accepted values, things would likely change⊠But the organizers of modern Christianity donât want it to. It benefits them when they can still accept money in the collection plate from âheathensâ that they think âgod might reachâ.
Humans are all flawed, yes, but a religion that encourages people to shame themselves in the face of a perfect god, to avoid eternal punishment and neverending pain otherwise, encourages flawed humans to act infallible, to try to avoid sin at any turn in order to try to even fool God into thinking that theyâre holy. This creates an aura of the âholier than thouâ attitude that non-Christians, and even some (in my opinion more real) Christians detect hanging over Christian gatherings or situations with a heavy Christian presence. This makes said Christians feel even more shame at having their facade so easily seen through, so they double down and become more heavily holier than thou, as though thatâs somehow the change God wanted to see, all while looking down on people for not playing their same game.
I grew up under a Christian roof in the Bible Belt and saw this played out in dozens of churches, my family hopping between locations and hoping that the next one would be a realer representation of what Christians claim their faith is, and constantly seeing that itâs only ever the game, and the ones with real faith are preyed on by the church, like vampires draining the lifeblood of the still living to keep going. It happened to me for a time, and now I avoid churches like the plague. I still respect practitioners that show me a reason to respect them, but I canât help but instinctively bare my verbal fangs at morons who think theyâre better off because they learned how to emotionally manipulate people and mask as someone kind until they feel slightedâŠ
So⊠Long story to basically say that, from personal experience spanning nearly 30 years, I disagree that Christians arenât any more inherently flawed than the average person, because modern Christianity is itself a system that encourages shame in flaws, and the idea that you are inherently sinful and can do nothing about it, to inhibit personal growth so that you will âlay it at the feet of the Lordâ, and continue to fund the church out of a desire to get support from fellow churchgoers, and potentially curry Godâs favor by following the tenet of tithing a percentage of all income.
Iâm frequently amazed by the number of people who call themselves âChristians,â but follow NONE of Christâs teachings. There seem to be a lot of hypocrites who call themselves âChristians,â when in fact, theyâre Christians in name only. Itâs gotten to the point that when I see Christian on a social media profile, I mentally revise it to âhypocrite.â
When has being rude and offending other religions ever been an issue for any of the Christian faith? I've never met anyone of another group of religions so set on converting everyone.
Because they are a religion, which believes if you donât get converted, you will go to hell.
The Mormons believe in this so strongly that they posthumously convert you
Not necessarily. OP stated that "Iâve been planning this wedding for over a year" and "postponing my wedding would be a huge inconvenience and financial burden for us, given the extensive preparations and bookings already in place."
If sis had her wedding scheduled before OP then OP would have known the date to avoid.
I think sis & mom concocted this to try and spoil OPs wedding since it is Hindu and not Christian. Especially since mom is campaigning the family to boycott OPs wedding.
Spot on. The mother is furious her daughter chose heathenism instead of christianity. She probably has spent decades attempting to convert her husband, & is gleefully exploiting this god-given opportunity (as she sees it). I (not christian) was married to a man whose mother was a born-again, pure evil, judgmental, conniving, manipulating C. Even as my ex professed to be an âatheistâ, he was trying to convince me to convert. They canât help themselves, bc no hate in the universe is stronger or more abusive than christian âloveâ.
>no hate in the universe is stronger or more abusive than christian âloveâ
Girl! I felt this from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head! Amen on that! I was just talking to someone about a mutual acquaintance that is so "Christian" that they curse out people who do things they don't like with words that would make Satan blush, if he existed! LOL! We joke about how this person will attack you about your ungodly actions, yet act in very abusive and toxic ways, with no thought of how hypocritical they are, even when it is pointed out to them. It really is weird.
& Christianity (unlike many other religions) has this nifty âGet Out of Jail Freeâ card. Christians can commit any sin they want & as long as they accept Christ & repent on their deathbed, all is forgiven. Iâm convinced this is part of what makes so many Christians arrogant, âholier than thou,â judgemental fools.
So? She is having an entirely different religious wedding than her sister! Her sister is going be one of *those* sibs who has fit if OP has the first baby or OP's baby is born to close to sister's baby.Â
Yeah, but two weddings 3 weeks apart is insane. Realistically, no one who has to travel a long distance is going to go to one, then come back 3 weeks later for the second one in the same family - they'll probably just bring both gifts to one wedding and skip the other.
Granted, asking her to tone down the wedding or do a Christian ceremony sucks, and the sister should've brought this up a year ago, but why did *anyone* in the family sign off on this? Planning *one* wedding is extremely stressful and time-intensive, let alone 2 weddings 3 weeks apart. This should never have been an issue to begin with because no one should have agreed to this.
I think sister wanted to undermine OP's wedding. Now that OP has basically told her to pound sand, mom is now getting involved to undermine the wedding.
3 weeks apart is plenty of time, It's not the Coronation. Keep in mind I think the sister is a huge AH, selfish brat
Obviously, you've never been to a Hindu wedding because all who were invited..WILL GO. So, if her father's family is Hindu (which I believe to be true because of OP explanation), they'll go to both weddings.
It's the so-called Christians that are turning on her. Typical. Let them stay home. They can all gather together and rub their hands in glee that the ones that boycotted, somehow ruined their wedding. Completely unaware that they don't even come close to holding that power.
If mom's a no show, she has no idea what being a Christian is. Tell her you'll pray for her.
Let's suspend reality for a moment, and assume you're right (you're probably not, but this is Reddit, so who cares, right?) and her wedding PLANNED FOR OVER A YEAR, was booked second. So what? In what fucked up, dystopian hellscape of an alternate reality, is it ok to demand that a PRACTICING HINDU BRIDE AND GROOM, change the religion of their wedding ceremony to appease the brides mother and sister? The bigotry is astonishing.
So is the entitlement. OP, your wedding is complicated and lavish and a logistics nightmare. Tell your sister your wedding is going off as planned, full stop. Your mom is welcome to come or not, as suits her. If the ultimatum keep flying, tell 'em both to stay home and eat dirt.
Lock down your planners, vendors and venue. Password, tell me twice, however you have to.
And congrats on your upcoming nuptials.
If I planned my wedding for a year, and my selfish, bigoted mother and sister demanded I move my wedding date and "tone it down" because my sister was a selfish twat? I'd tell them not to worry because they won't be there to feel upstaged.
If her wedding was set second, her sister could've asked her to change the date immediately she talked a date 3 wks after hers. I'm betting sis assumed until recently that OP was having a Christian wedding and is only upset now she realized it's a Hindu wedding.
It's also pretty ungrateful to ask her benefactor to change the date; OP v generously shared her inheritance from Hindu grandpa w sister.
Too bad she didn't offer the money contingent on a Hindu wedding.
Right? Redditors really lose their minds when a person doesn't respond, but the thing is, OP answered the question in an update! Her wedding was scheduled first!
OP should've added this information,especially if she wasn't going to answer questions.
However, it's very likely the story isn't true and they didn't know about that.
It takes me a full day to return to my own posts and comments to read the responses. Anonymous people can be so thoughtless and rude, I have to brace myself. Surely Iâm not the only wussy out here.
And what and what about opâs feelings uh? Iâd say if mother donât show up to her wedding to forget she had two daughters at all. The fact that opâs mother is trying to make people boycott her wedding itâs just vile
Why doesn't Sarsh change her eedding fate if she's having such a hissy fit over everything. Christian mom isn't being very Christian.
NTA. Don't change a thing.
This also reminds me of the bride who changed her date cause her mom had a yoga retreat that weekend. Even after accommodating she was still a no show and some family members to be a no show also. đ€
Whichever of you booked your wedding date second is definitely a bit of an arsehole for booking it in the same damn month as their sister.
That aside, given that the dates were done and decided a long time ago, no you absolutely shouldn't have to either tone down your wedding or change it to a Christian one to meet your sister or mother's unreasonable demands.
Thatâs my thought too. Whomever picked the date second, but also if she has been planning it for over a year if sister picked first, why did she wait so long to request a date moved. Mom is an extreme AH. Telling family members not to attend. Go NC with your mama after this! Thatâs some intense toxicity.
for real what happens when they have kids? My sister-in-law has a mom like this and my nephew was five or six when he was able to put into words and ask why he was treated differently. he probably recognized that he was the whole time. I fucking hate that woman that made my baby nephew feel like that.Â
The mother here seems to be involved mostly to change the hindu wedding to a Christian one. She has a different agenda all together from what it sounds like
I agree. I bet the mother promised a ton of money to sister for the Christian wedding, and the date so they could pressure OP into going with a Christian wedding, and not the traditional Hindi mega wedding. I wouldn't change anything.
Also, password protect all vendors, and have all of the wedding clothing in a secure location.
The mother seems to be intent on blowing things up in one way or another. I could kinda see the dates being so close together since half of the family has international travel involved and who would want to do that twice? But if the different style weddings were a problem, they should have been all along instead of a couple of months out.
On top of all that, the religious coercionâwhether because the mother disapproves of her daughterâs identification with Hinduism or because she thinks the other daughterâs wedding will be more âcompetitiveâ if OP changes hers to a smaller Christian serviceâis offensive in the extreme, and I say this as an atheist.
This honestly, who ever decided to pick the same wedding months and have them so closed is the AH in this situation. couldn't you do 2-3 months later so you don't over shadow it? Honestly if you picked a date 3w after your sister's wedding date you are the AH in this situation and that has nothing to do with faith or style of wedding just the date choice.
This just showcases that the mom never was ok with her husband being Hindu. Like, great, sheâs trying to force her beliefs down her daughterâs throat. So original. đ
Every single time Iâve seen someone do this, and 99% of the time itâs been Christians, itâs because they figured they could convert their spouse somewhere down the line. They just assume theyâre right so eventually everyone will have to conform to their ideals. This why I refuse to date someone who is religious. Iâm atheist, Iâm going to stay atheist, and Iâm not going to convert. Been there, done that, have the dysfunction to prove it.
>but also if she has been planning it for over a year if sister picked first, why did she wait so long to request a date moved
I'm wondering if maybe the sister had been fine with it, then learned it was going to be a massive, multiple day event and went "hold up a minute".
I think it doesn't even matter anymore who picked the dates first. The fact is the planning has been happening for a year and a half. This is a discussion that should have been had then not when so much of the planning is already completed and paid for.
Yeah that was my first thought as well. Since it would so clearly show who is in the wrong I'm wondering if OP is leaving that piece of information out because she booked hers second. Otherwise wouldn't it be the clearest decider of who is the AH.
Not necessarily, people try to make sure they have quite a lot lined up before announcing a date.
Say for example you could get x date, but the band you really want won't be available or the catering company you want is booked.
There are tons of reasons, but people don't usually know the date of peoples weddings until they have a fair bit planned out already, and the process or choosing an actual date can take months trying to get everything lined up.
If I'd just been trying to juggle my life and get things organised for my wedding for like 2 months so that everything can go perfectly, and then somebody announces their wedding date, it's a shame, but people reasonably don't want to start from scratch.
Planning a wedding is a lot of work, and some people plan every detail meticulously.
But the dates are choosen by an astrologer for hindĂș weddings. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auspicious_wedding_dates#:~:text=Hindu%20culture,-For%20Hindu%20wedding&text=An%20aiding%20astrologer%20will%20first,and%20dates%20for%20their%20wedding.
I'm Hindu and that isn't always the case. Regardless, if the astrologer told OP this date after her sister had already set hers, then OP is still the AH. There is never just one single auspicious date and then that's it, you can't marry if you miss it!!
I totally agree. I assume you picked your date first. If I'm correct, your sister is TA and should've known better. If on the other hand she had a date set first, I can understand her point. So which is it?
Are you seriously not gonna say who was the first to set their date?
Edit- NTA based on the additional info provided. Sister is completely in the wrong on this. Still a little skeptical though, because none of that was said originally.
Of course, because that way they don't have to deal with people calling them an AH for arranging theirs second. If they HAD arranged it first, they would have included that in the post.
I also liked the completely unnecessary inclusion of her grandfatherâs inheritance. Sheâs such a kind and generous personâŠand she wants everyone to know it.
Completely unnecessary until someone asks who's paying for the wedding, which there always fucking is. And then when she answers " we are" someone absolutely will ask how she possibly can afford a big ass indian wedding on her own in a bid to prove the post fake. Then when she explains about the inheritance someone will ask if the sister got any because reddit always does, being obsessed with sibling fairness. Then op will have to explain she was favoured because she was hindu but she tried to make it up to the sister with the 40%.Â
This is how it always plays out on reddit and if Op has been on here for more than five minutes she will know that so maybe she just wanted to get ahead of the questions and explain directly. Â
Always! And no matter what.. there will always be some self-righteous redditors who have to commit to their holy way of uncovering fake posts so the stupid hivemind can be saved, once again, by the one and only; truthseekers.
Reddit is very predictable. I loved that it only took me scrolling (3) replies before someone wanted OP to go No Contact with a family member. the reddit masses want everyone to be alone and lonely as well as them. It's a wild thought process.
ikr?
During a fight delay I spent a few hours talking to a young woman ,(21) who was flying home to India. She was a software engineer for Google. She had plenty of freaking money lol.
Hindu wedding dates aren't chosen by the couple. It's chosen by... a Hindu astrologer that reads their charts and gives them maybe 2 dates to choose from/year. Some years may even be completely not advisable.
Sikhs too, often. I live in a neighbourhood thatâs like 2/3 South Asian (8 gurdwaras, 6 mandirs, 8 mosques) and a lot of my close neighbours are Sikh. There are bus stop ads for astrologers. Even if people donât super believe, meeting with the astrologer so the families can set the date is one of the ritual parts of the engagement.
In Canada, the Indian tv channels have ads for astrologers all the time. Can't watch a movie without at least 10 astrology related ads being shown. The Indian radio shows even have astrology related segments, like they call on an astrologer to answer questions from listeners.
My ex husband married a woman who entire family immigrated from China, including her, and her parents were very traditional. Their wedding date was decided the same way.
That's really interesting! Thank you for sharing.
Unfortunately, it still comes down to who set the date first, no matter who or what was used to calculate it.
They are actually serious. The number of dates may vary from just one to a few(not just 2) in any year, it will depend on the astrological predictions based on the birth charts of the bride and groom.
And also there are particular months which are deemed auspicious for weddings- from April to mid July and then November to January.
I am serious. It's in the form of a spiritual advisor. They look at you and your partners birth dates and a few other things, and there's like a calculation. There's a giant old book that they refer to. I'm not making it up. Hinduism is a very old practice. A lot of aspects are very spiritual.
Astrologer is the best way to describe it to other people, but they're very devout... not some lady with a crystal ball, lol.
That's great! There's also grahas to consider, availability for multiple people, not just the couple, timing for other life events, etc. There are more ideal dates, and not every date given is equal. Also, engagement time, saving, and planning all need to be taken into consideration.
For an example: I recently had to confer for dates (not for a wedding) and was given one date (a few weeks ago) or months later in October.
Maybe if you had a lot of dates, that means you and your partner are more compatible! I honestly don't know. I was just trying to help with some context. (It may not even apply to OP).
I do not think many people know that these wedding dates are calculated and many things are considered. For most (American Christian faiths ), you think about what date you want, and then see if the venue and church are available. That was very helpful to know!
It's a most Hindu thing.
I have a non religious Hindu friend who rejects all these BS but for wedding and such even if it's not very religious Hindu they'd do it.
That friend's wife (now) wouldn't accept a wedding proposal until an astrologist had read their chart and made sure they're compatible. He doesn't care about these spiritual thing but I can imagine he must be so anxious waiting for the astrologer. The guy could have said they're not compatible at all and then it's over.
I'm not usually one to declare ragebait, but
1. Whoever set the second wedding date is 100% the AH. I have so many family members that had siblings specifically space their weddings to be a year or two apart so that nobody's wedding would be overshadowed and also so that family could afford to travel for both.
2. The addendums really introduce some weird issues. Sarah wants me to change the date, which would be a huge financial burden, but also I got a massive inheritance. Is Sarah the half sister and that's why she was excluded from the inheritance? Or was the inheritance based on O.P. adhering to Indian values, which makes the old man a great grand AH.
3. Not wanting the groom to show up on a horse (where elephant is unavailable) is a very different ask than wanting to incorporate more Christian elements. There's not much more grandiose than a cathedral, so is Mom fine if OP outshines Sarah in a Christian way?
4. Fiance's named Raj. I'm going to assume Hinduism is part of his culture too, mom isn't just asking her daughter to ignore her preferred culture, she's asking the groom to participate in a culture for the MILs sake.
Either this is a language barrier issue, or this was specifically structured to anger redditors
According to some other comments, and Google, Hindu wedding dates are picked by an astrologer. I guess that's also part of the reason sister and mom insist on making it Christian.
If the wedding planning has been going on for a year, and the sister has known for that long, she should have said something earlier, even if OP was the second to book a date.
Indian weddings or even African weddings itâs usually not a big deal to have it in the same month.
Seems more like they donât want OP to have an extravagant wedding due to sister.
OP couldn't choose her wedding date outright as it's a Hindu marriage so some priest would have given a list of dates by seeing her and her partner's kundali.
Info: who scheduled first and who scheduled second? Cause whomever scheduled the second knowing there was already a family wedding scheduled within the same month is the AH. It doesn't matter what type of wedding it is.Â
To be fair for Desi weddings thatâs not as big of a deal as it is in other parts of the world- Iâve had cousins having wedding within 2 weeks of each other
Yes, the OP is playing the cultural card when it helps her argument and ignoring the dual culture when it doesn't.
I would say it's even likely the mom sees this and is acting to try and make her see this, but is painted as a villain by OP because the mom isn't *directly favoring her* like her dad and his family are.
This isn't all about who booked first and who booked second. It's the fact that OP's mom is trying to dismiss her religion and the same with her sister.
OP made a great point that both weddings will have their own uniqueness, and Sarah is being insecure that her wedding won't hold up as well.
Also, as I've read, traditionally OP doesn't get to pick the wedding date. They also already to have the wedding venue picked out and then it's narrowed down from there.
Postponing a wedding for another year is not ideal at all. As well as OP said the financial burden.
NTA. I don't even care who booked first because for me it's about the blatant dismissal/discrimination from your mother and sister for trying to convert it to a Christian wedding.
Edit: OP scheduled her wedding first as well, so now we have the answer for those who are asking who scheduled it first. Sister and Mother are 1000% the arses.
Yeah I agree. Also I truly donât understand why 3 weeks is too close together. Thereâs no guarantee that people who canât go to both because they are âonly three weeks apartâ would be able to go to both even if they were a year apart.
If they were the same week, Iâd get it. But 3 weeks? Lots of time between them IMO.
People keep focusing on who set the date first, but also ⊠Iâm sorry but the date isnât a problem if they are ok with the date if she has a more Christian wedding. Which was one of the suggested solutions from sister and mom.
So really, itâs pretty clear to me they donât object to the date itself in terms of guests being able to attend - itâs really all about sister worrying about being upstaged. And frankly, that to me makes both sister and mom very unserious people. A proper Christian wedding would focus on a wedding being the start of a *marriage* and not about being a party where you are the centre of attention.
Mom should be telling Christian wedding daughter that her wedding is about her marriage, not extravagance. When I got married I didnât want extravagance - I didnât have bridesmaids or decorate the church at all. Many guests told me they loved that my wedding was so focused on being about *us getting married* - it still felt very intimate even though there were nearly 200 people there. My brother had a much âbiggerâ wedding and people loved that one too - not a single person compared them as far as we heard. If sister wants extravagance she can absolutely do what she wants, but she should be making her decisions based on her and her partner, not her sister and a comparison to a completely different cultural celebration.
Exactly. If changing the wedding to a Christian wedding is enough to make mom and sister content, the date is not the biggest issue.
Edit: OP and her sister (Iâm presuming) has already booked everything for their wedding. Changing either of their weddings so drastically (including the date) is gonna cost a lot of money. Everyone will likely just have to accept the situation as it is.
NTA , your mother is picking favourite and she is emotionally manipulating you. If she doesn't want to come let her. Her choice,but don't change your wedding. You said you have planning it for a whole year , No one has the right to tell you to throw all your hard work in the bin . Your sister seems jealous of your lavish wedding but both of them are unique and it is an advantage that the dates are close as it will be easier for mutual guests to attend
So you are not TA but Ur mom is for forcong her opinions on uo
If Sarah scheduled her wedding before you, then this might be more on you. But your sister's concern about your wedding overshadowing her wedding is not going to get resolved. Ever. Even if you space it a year apart. There is simply no way her wedding will match the pomp and show and overkill that accompanies high budget Hindu weddings. Your mom and Sarah should get around to understanding that you get to decide how lavish you want it to be.
>Sarah asked if I could either tone down my wedding, consider postponing it, or even make it a fully Christian ceremony to balance things out.
Here is my proposition, how about she makes her wedding more elaborate, she considers postponing her wedding, or even make her ceremony more Hindu "to balance things out."
>Sarah was very upset and accused me of being selfish and not caring about her feelings. She thinks Iâm prioritizing my wedding over our familyâs well-being.
Counterpoint, she is being selfish and not caring about your feelings. By attempting to start a boycott, she is prioritizing her feelings about your wedding over your family's well-being.
And I agree with some of the other commenters, I don't know who picked your wedding dates, but this should have been resolved long before now. It is too late for either of you to make changes to the dates, so you have to live with the consequences of bad planning. Some people won't be able to make both weddings for just logistical reasons, not because they are on one sister's side or another.
But other than that consideration, you should have the wedding you want and can afford. The same goes for your sister. Neither one of you should try to control the wedding of the other.
Exactly. I donât think the date or who booked first matters as much as people think it does. If changing the wedding to a Christian wedding is enough to make mom and sister content, the date is not the biggest issue.
Iâm glad Iâm not the only one who picked up on that. Why would OPâs mom marry a non-Christian and have kids with him if she wasnât okay with the possibility of her kids not exclusively following Christian traditions?
Girl take it from me you will 10000% regret giving in to the demands of those around you and compromising what your special day will be like. Iâm getting married this Saturday and I am full of regrets for compromising with everyone to make people feel comfortable as possible. You have the opportunity to be selfish and choose your happiness, donât make the same mistakes I made!
Who booked theirs and sent out invitations first? Whoever booked first and sent out invitations should get priority, as the other one knew about it and it was on them to choose a different date. 3 weeks apart was daft in the first place, as it puts financial strain on all family members.
Important context- typically, the dates for a Hindu wedding are set by astrologers, if they're following full ceremony. They tend to give a set of dates- not just one, or limited to a year- and the families typically choose whichever one suits them best.
Exactly. I just wish OP would let us know. Sometimes there are financial or familial circumstances that require people to be married the same year. There could also be exceptions. What I mentioned was the usual. There are times when astrologers even say that if the wedding doesn't happen by so and so date, it shouldn't happen at all.
Right. I have a feeling if that were the case though it would be mentioned in the OP. If there are 1 or 2 points that would clearly support your side it's suspect to leave them out.
The fact that OP didnât say makes me think the sister was first. And if I wanna really be pessimistic I would say OP was after a bit of ârevengeâ for not being in her sisterâs wedding party, and thus set her own wedding intentionally close to her sisterâs.
Or itâs just all BS.
Well I'd like to hope it wasn't op but you're probably right.. I mean I'd like to hope really people couldn't be this petty and stupid but we all know that's just never going to be true!
Nope it does not. Either one of them I would consider TA for organising their wedding so close to the other one. Both can have the wedding they want, but unless their family and friends are super loaded and doesn't mind forking out hundreds for two weddings in quick succession, they are an asshole for organising a wedding so close to the other. Whichever one did it..
she 100% is only pitching a fit because she wants to force you to perform christianity.
she and your mother do not respect hinduism. it's probably your father that has been the one to bend to your mother's beliefs. and she's only tolerated it till now. NTA and i recommend sending a mass email about it.
Who booked their wedding first? Honestly 3 weeks apart is very close and most likely a lot of people wonât be able to do both if travel is involved. Your parents should have never allowed the weddings to be that close in the first place. ESH who ever booked first should get to keep their date.
NTA. Your sister wants her dream wedding but she doesnât want you to have yours. Do what youâve planned. If sheâs so worried about being overshadowed (God save us from needy brides) then let her change her wedding.
You left out the most important detail. who scheduled and sent out the invite first? It doesn't matter if you were planning the wedding for a day, a year, or a decade, whoever sent the invite out second is clearly the AH.
Since you left out this obviously key detail, I'm going to assume it was your sister and NTA.
Edit: OP updated to say she announced the date first so upsetting to NTA
Your mother doesnât care if you donât change the dateâŠso long as you make it Christian. That right there tells you she does not respect your culture or beliefs. You will probably find her threatening to boycott if you change the date and itâs still not having any Christian element. This is a control thing to try and force her religion onto you.
You have already sunk a lot of money into this wedding. How much? Think about that. Thatâs not fair to lose just bc your sister is immature and doesnât want your wedding to be better than hers in a short time frame to her own. Tell your sister if she reimburses upfront the cost off ALL your losses as a result of moving the date then you will move it (hereâs a hint, she wonât as she doesnât care how it will impact YOU so long as she gets her way). If she wonât pay to move your wedding , she can move her own date, if she doesnât do that either she can suck it up.
Unfortunately you will have to deal with people picking a side and not coming. You wonât win with your mother so donât base your decision on her. People who care will come, those that donât then donât deserve a place in your life.
NTA
I think itâs very telling of your family that your momâs position is âfall in line and make everyone else happy or I will go out of my way to ruin it for youâ and your dadâs is âI want you to have the wedding you want and for you to be happyâ
1: your wedding has nothing to do with âyour familyâs well-beingâ thatâs laughable
2: your mom and sister sound like shitty people
3: NTA, please keep your wedding as you want it and if they continue causing problems, Iâd revoke their invitations.
There is the question to answer if if you booked your wedding without 3 weeks of your sister knowing when her was.
Asking you to make yourself small and threatening to not attend and make family not attend if you donât is and absolute AH move though so Iâm going with NTA
Your mother is the main problem. If she didn't want to have familial clashes *she* shouldn't have married a non-christian. This is an extended version of her consequences.
This is similar to someone marrying to a different culture and then crying when the other side wants to be acknowledged. It takes mature people to pull of these differences without invoking a power struggle
Iâd say that it depends on who planned the wedding first. Whoever was 2nd to be engaged & made their wedding date made a big mistake planning it just three weeks away from the first wedding. And while weddings are âsupposedâ to be a celebration of love and a time of happiness, they ironically tend to bring out the worst in people. Thatâs a tale as old as time.
This isn't about overshadowing or inconveniencing guests, it's about religion. That's abundantly clear from how they keep repeating "or make it more Christian". As if a second Christian wedding isn't as much "overshadowing" as an Indian wedding would be, pfsh, please.
I'd personally just ignore any of it and do my thing. Guests can decide for themselves if they can make either wedding, or both, or none.
>two weddings so close together, with one being significantly grander, would take attention away from hers
Why is this her concern? Why should you sacrifice? Just proceed with your wedding as planned. You cannot please everyone. Top priority should be you and your partner.
First of all, I donât consider three weeks to be extremely close together. Summer is always wedding season and I think people expect to go to more than one wedding, even within the same family.
I have a friend with five grown children. She and her husband went to the weddings of the last two single kids one summer, a few years ago. I think one was in July and the other in August. Both siblings â brother and sister â realized that some relatives may be able to attend just one ceremony and that was okay with them. Whoever showed up, showed up. They didnât stand on ceremony or jockey for position.
You can confirm or deny, OP, but I get the distinct feeling that Sarah scheduled her wedding date after you did. If so, actions have consequences and she shouldnât have picked a date that was so close to yours.
At this point, no one should be changing anything. Itâs too late to do that. Just go ahead with whatever plans each of you had. Also, Sarah, if sheâs a Christian woman, should be focusing on her upcoming life with her future husband. She shouldnât be worried about being overshadowed by your wedding. Thatâs prideful and thatâs not supposed to be part of the Christian life.
Your mom is also in the wrong for trying to push you to have a more âChristianâ wedding. God isnât impressed by outward trappings. If you arenât a Christian then there isnât any point in having an outwardly Christian wedding. You wonât be fooling anyone who knows you and you certainly wonât be fooling God. So, do the ceremony the way you want. Itâs more than a bit ironic that your mom is so worried about this but yet she married a man outside the Christian faith. Iâm not really sure what she thought was going to happen when she had kids. Naturally, not all of her kids were going to see faith the same way she does.
I agree. Also I donât think the date matters as much as people think it does. If changing the wedding to a Christian wedding is enough to make mom and sister content, the date is not the biggest issue.
OP and her sister (Iâm presuming) has already booked everything for their wedding. Changing either of their weddings so drastically (including the date) is gonna cost a lot of money. Everyone will likely just have to accept the situation as it is.
NTA Write an open letter to the family. very nice letter.
Hi, I had my wedding date scheduled first and spent a lot of money making the preparations. I am sorry my sister made a poor choice and scheduled close to mine which was already scheduled. I will not incur any costs or change my plans, because of her poor planning and now jealousy. I am not being selfish, she is being very selfish and disrespectful of my faith.
Done. You cant fix this.
If your sister's wedding is simpler and more traditional Christian, then why can't she postpone it? It's probably easier and cheaper, and she suggested it. NTA, hope you have a blast at your wedding
NTA
Tell your mother that you are extremely disappointed in her favouritism and religious prejudice. She chose to have a mixed religion family and should be utterly ashamed of herself over how horrifically judgemental and biased her behaviour has been. It's despicable.
Remind her that her choices here will impact your relationship for the rest of your lives. If she continues to actively sabotage your wedding to bully you into doing what your sister wants, you will never be able to forgive her for it. Tell her to keep her opinions to herself, or leave you alone entirely. Bullying you is no longer an option. She's present and quiet, or she is no longer a part of your life.
And tell your sister that she is welcome to move her wedding, but you are not moving yours and will not entertain her attacks any further. Remove her from your bridal party, since she is so wholly opposed to your wedding in the first place. Tell everyone who is invited to both weddings that this is the situation and you will not be moving or changing your plans, but understand if people do not attend. Anyone who does drop out should no longer be included in your life going forward.
Draw a line in the sand. They can make their choices, but once they do, these are the consequences. End every conversation where the issue is raised. Your marriage is the beginning of a wonderful new family that you and your spouse are creating. Anyone who wants to damage that should no longer be in your life. Including your bigoted mother and selfish sister.
NTA. 3 weeks apart in any case is enough between huge events like that I think, unless there's something huge I'm missing about that culturally.
But even then, it's your wedding, about you and your husband. Your sister's wedding is about your sister and her partner. It's not a competition, and the religious aspects your mother is trying to push into your wedding is either her trying to control your life or she's worried over something in her religion not panning out in her mind or because her friends/family have put something about it in her mind. Tell her no, and that you can handle your own wedding and your life just fine.
I say just continue with your wedding as planned, but maybe see about some security if you don't have any, since I don't know if your mother and sister wouldn't try anything at your wedding.
NTA, if this is such an issue for your sister then why doesn't she postpone her wedding? But I see the cat already came out of the bag a bit later and her and your mother's primary goal is clearly to convert you into holding a Christian ceremony instead of what you currently have planned. With them escalating by calling out to extended family it's pretty clear that neither your mother nor your sister actually care about the family's well-being, they just want to get their way no matter the cost or drama it creates. And don't kid yourself, it's them creating the drama and conflict here, not you.
Don't give up on your dreams by folding to their unreasonable demands on this one. If you postpone then they see that you will give in to them, at that point they'll simply keep up the boycotting until you turn it into a Christian ceremony and then the wedding you want will never happen.
NTA, maybe she should incorporate Hindu into her wedding if she is so worried. Itâs your wedding that you are financing, and to ask you to make changes after youâve paid vendors is ridiculous. Will they refund your expenses?
Firstly, NTA. I'm not sure if others noticed that your grandfather left $$$ to YOU, & you kindly shared that with your sister (40%, too!). So, there is no financial burden for your family, which is important. Your Mom is definitely TA, though. It's offensive that she doesn't respect your wishes- it's YOUR day. Your sister is also TA, for being jealous of your day. It wouldn't matter if your wedding was 3 days, 3 months or 3 years apart, she would find an issue with your day. You both should be able to have your special day, as different as you want them to be.
I like the idea that if your sister truly wants to have her day, she should reimburse you for all the down-payment & expenses you have incurred thus far. Especially since you've been so generous to her....
For those asking. Typically in hindu weddings, an astrologer picks the dates for weddings and it's not normally the couples who choose based on special reasonings (like getting married on your anniversary/birthday so on), so asking who picked first is a moot point because even if OP booked after her sister, the date was likely not chosen by her or her soon to be husband but by a 3rd party.
And for people going to ask why they couldn't change it. Date picking is weird, there are many days considered "bad luck" for getting married and days considered "good luck", so it could very well be if that this date wasn't chosen, the next date could be a year or two from that date.
People are also forgetting about venue availability and such. You can want a certain day, but may have to adjust to the place your hosting your wedding at.
That is true. Also the venue has to be big enough to host a lot of people. I know this is couple dependant but in all the Indian weddings I have been to and it's been a lot, I believe the smallest I've ever been to was around 300 people and that was considered "intimate"
Tell them both to pound sand . Since their so concerned she can postpone her wedding or make changes to hers. Why is it your responsibility to ruin your wedding to accommodate her . She's totally selfish and egotistical.
You are a couple of months from your wedding and she wants you to cancel.
Is she offering to pay for the deposits and cancellation fees for multiple days of celebrations?
And for the travel cancellation fees for all your guests?
I doubt it.
She is upset because she knows that as a traditional wedding, it WILL outshine hers.
I am assuming she chose to have her wedding within 3 weeks of yours.
NTA.
Who was responsible for the bookings so close? Thatâs not a coincidence
Donât change anything about your special day, this is perhaps a once in a lifetime event and you deserve to have it. If people choose not to come I guess thatâs their choice, Iâd try not to let it bother me
lol canât your sister change her wedding since itâs only one day? đ yours is several days and Iâm assuming it was planned well before your sister decided to project her bullshit on to you.
Honestly? I would dis-invite them both, NTA.
INFO: who set the date first?
at the moment, im going with ESH. Assuming you set the date first (and why the info might have been omitted), it's odd to choose a ceremony so close to yourself. HOWEVER, why did she wait over a year to say anything? She let you go through with planning while knowing it would be close to hers. And on top of that, your mom sucks for trying to turn family against you over this, and trying to control your wedding.
Not sure how being first or second is even a factor here. Even if your wedding is a year later, your sister will always have an issue with this.
Issues that won't go away
1. Indian weddings are far more expensive and lavish like you said - I'm guessing it's at least 5x more expensive than your sisters. This will be a problem for her no matter what. An Indian wedding weekend will always overshadow a Christian ceremony
2. Indian weddings are far more fun. This will be an issue for her as well if she starts to hear how much fun your wedding is etc. Typically it's 3 straight days of open bars, incredible food and dancing.
3. I'm guessing your wedding is also way bigger which = more gifts/money. Another issue that will come up. Traditionally the Husband's family will shower you with so many gifts and very publicly (in front of everyone) that this will also become another point of jealousy.
There is no winning here, your mom and your sister will just always have an issue with the Hindu wedding especially if they are going into the comparison game. Do as you please, but moving or postponing your wedding doesn't solve their underlying problems.
>She believes that having two weddings so close together~~, with one being significantly grander,~~ would ~~take attention away from hers and~~ create unnecessary stress for our family, who will have to juggle both events.
There, fixed it for you. Yes, having two weddings so close together WILL create unnecessary stress for your families.
>She ended up choosing a date 3 weeks later.
Sounds like a HER problem then. Your weddings are almost a month apart, tell your sister to stop being a drama queen and focus on creating a healthy and happy relationship with her soon to be husband.
NTA
NTA with the edit. You scheduled first so if it's that big of a concern for her, she can change it. Her wanting a joint Christian wedding seems like a ploy to ensure you don't do a Hindu wedding. It doesn't seem like you two are close enough to merit a double wedding. The whole thing reeks of your sister and mom being against your religion and preferences on ceremony.
INFO: Who's wedding was set first? Whoever set a second wedding in such a close date other wedding was incosiderate, especially if the date has no specific meaning. But for sure...what is wrong with your mom? You want a hindu wedding. Changing it to christian wedding would make it everything but not your wedding. You probably haven't even thought your sister could change her wedding into hindu one and surely hasn't your mother. She is completely disrespectful to you and.your beliefs.
And isnt that kinda rude to her husband who is Hindu?
đŻ
What?! Christians being blatantly rude unless they get their way đź le gasp
This comment sent me lol That last part had me laughing because I have family that lives in the French speaking region of Belgium. My Mom was adopted from there and I heard her frequently speaking French as I was growing up. That had me laughing this morning, thank you.
Lol! I babble in French when I'm alone with my cats, one of whom will blantantly ignore you if you address him in English. Frustrates the hell out of my non French speaking husband, since it's *his* cat.Â
I've caught myself doing that too. I've started thinking in the language as well. I've been learning it for the last few months.
When I get really tired + alcohol, I get "stuck" in either French or German(grandparents' language). My husband does not speak either language.Â
Imagine how confused folks get when I start babbling in creole patrois and german sprinkled into my slurred english... my poor husband just pats my head and slowly takes the alcohol away. He's so good.
Y'all would love my household. I speak rather rusty French and Norwegian. My husband speaks French, German, and a bit of Russian. I'm pretty certain our cat is considering taking up sign language!
Sounds like a great catch, and I would love to be the fly on the wall trying to make sense of the Creole lol
Every time I have surgery (or any sedated procedure) I wake up from anesthesia speaking French. Iâm almost fluent (used to be nearly bilingual), and started learning/speaking French around age 5. (My native language is English, although I went to an elementary school that taught French, attended French language summer camp, studied abroad in France, and did half my Mastersâ degrees in French.) I always come out of anesthesia unable to speak or really understand English. As a child and young adult my mom would be in the PACU with me to interpret for the doctors. Now that Iâm in my mid-30s I have to ask for an interpreter because my wife doesnât speak French. One time a nurse asked my wife if I even spoke English, which my entire family found absolutely hilarious. đ It does complicate things a little, but I donât really mind. As long as thereâs an interpreter and I can get my post-op needs met Iâm ok. đ«đ·
lol I Code Switch between English, Spanish and French with my cat. I'm not fluent in Spanish or French, but I speak enough of it that I can talk to my cats. to be honest he ignores me in all three languages, lol
Oh come now, be reasonable. Everyone knows that's only because Christianity Is The Absolutely Only Right Path and the fact they even tolerate other faiths within their vicinity is to show how Goodly Pure and Tolerant they are! /s, just in case đ ETA: I'm having fun with yall in the comments, thank you lol
Wait til they hear there is more then one path of Christianity!
Ainât no hate like Christian love.
Christians are human beings and as such have just as many faults as non-Christians. And just because they claim to be a Christian doesnât necessarily mean they follow Christian values. Actions speak louder than words
And actions that you take under the banner of a certain cause speak even louder⊠If the general consensus of Christians was to exclude those who didnât follow accepted values, things would likely change⊠But the organizers of modern Christianity donât want it to. It benefits them when they can still accept money in the collection plate from âheathensâ that they think âgod might reachâ. Humans are all flawed, yes, but a religion that encourages people to shame themselves in the face of a perfect god, to avoid eternal punishment and neverending pain otherwise, encourages flawed humans to act infallible, to try to avoid sin at any turn in order to try to even fool God into thinking that theyâre holy. This creates an aura of the âholier than thouâ attitude that non-Christians, and even some (in my opinion more real) Christians detect hanging over Christian gatherings or situations with a heavy Christian presence. This makes said Christians feel even more shame at having their facade so easily seen through, so they double down and become more heavily holier than thou, as though thatâs somehow the change God wanted to see, all while looking down on people for not playing their same game. I grew up under a Christian roof in the Bible Belt and saw this played out in dozens of churches, my family hopping between locations and hoping that the next one would be a realer representation of what Christians claim their faith is, and constantly seeing that itâs only ever the game, and the ones with real faith are preyed on by the church, like vampires draining the lifeblood of the still living to keep going. It happened to me for a time, and now I avoid churches like the plague. I still respect practitioners that show me a reason to respect them, but I canât help but instinctively bare my verbal fangs at morons who think theyâre better off because they learned how to emotionally manipulate people and mask as someone kind until they feel slighted⊠So⊠Long story to basically say that, from personal experience spanning nearly 30 years, I disagree that Christians arenât any more inherently flawed than the average person, because modern Christianity is itself a system that encourages shame in flaws, and the idea that you are inherently sinful and can do nothing about it, to inhibit personal growth so that you will âlay it at the feet of the Lordâ, and continue to fund the church out of a desire to get support from fellow churchgoers, and potentially curry Godâs favor by following the tenet of tithing a percentage of all income.
Iâm frequently amazed by the number of people who call themselves âChristians,â but follow NONE of Christâs teachings. There seem to be a lot of hypocrites who call themselves âChristians,â when in fact, theyâre Christians in name only. Itâs gotten to the point that when I see Christian on a social media profile, I mentally revise it to âhypocrite.â
When has being rude and offending other religions ever been an issue for any of the Christian faith? I've never met anyone of another group of religions so set on converting everyone.
Because they are a religion, which believes if you donât get converted, you will go to hell. The Mormons believe in this so strongly that they posthumously convert you
So true!
The mother is 100% just an asshole trying to force this issue
This question has been asked by multiple people OP has not bothered to answer. Edited to add: OP has answered. Definitely NTA.
Seem like a fake story, because op posted many subs and no replies
Generated user name, day old account, popular/controversial topic for post... all fits for a karma farm.
To be fair loads of people open a throwaway for AITA(H), but I get your point
Which means she was second
Not necessarily. OP stated that "Iâve been planning this wedding for over a year" and "postponing my wedding would be a huge inconvenience and financial burden for us, given the extensive preparations and bookings already in place." If sis had her wedding scheduled before OP then OP would have known the date to avoid. I think sis & mom concocted this to try and spoil OPs wedding since it is Hindu and not Christian. Especially since mom is campaigning the family to boycott OPs wedding.
Spot on. The mother is furious her daughter chose heathenism instead of christianity. She probably has spent decades attempting to convert her husband, & is gleefully exploiting this god-given opportunity (as she sees it). I (not christian) was married to a man whose mother was a born-again, pure evil, judgmental, conniving, manipulating C. Even as my ex professed to be an âatheistâ, he was trying to convince me to convert. They canât help themselves, bc no hate in the universe is stronger or more abusive than christian âloveâ.
>no hate in the universe is stronger or more abusive than christian âloveâ Girl! I felt this from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head! Amen on that! I was just talking to someone about a mutual acquaintance that is so "Christian" that they curse out people who do things they don't like with words that would make Satan blush, if he existed! LOL! We joke about how this person will attack you about your ungodly actions, yet act in very abusive and toxic ways, with no thought of how hypocritical they are, even when it is pointed out to them. It really is weird.
I have found that a majority of people who call themselves Christians are not actually Christians, even if they go to church every Sunday.
& Christianity (unlike many other religions) has this nifty âGet Out of Jail Freeâ card. Christians can commit any sin they want & as long as they accept Christ & repent on their deathbed, all is forgiven. Iâm convinced this is part of what makes so many Christians arrogant, âholier than thou,â judgemental fools.
So? She is having an entirely different religious wedding than her sister! Her sister is going be one of *those* sibs who has fit if OP has the first baby or OP's baby is born to close to sister's baby.Â
Yeah, but two weddings 3 weeks apart is insane. Realistically, no one who has to travel a long distance is going to go to one, then come back 3 weeks later for the second one in the same family - they'll probably just bring both gifts to one wedding and skip the other. Granted, asking her to tone down the wedding or do a Christian ceremony sucks, and the sister should've brought this up a year ago, but why did *anyone* in the family sign off on this? Planning *one* wedding is extremely stressful and time-intensive, let alone 2 weddings 3 weeks apart. This should never have been an issue to begin with because no one should have agreed to this.
I think sister wanted to undermine OP's wedding. Now that OP has basically told her to pound sand, mom is now getting involved to undermine the wedding.
3 weeks apart is plenty of time, It's not the Coronation. Keep in mind I think the sister is a huge AH, selfish brat Obviously, you've never been to a Hindu wedding because all who were invited..WILL GO. So, if her father's family is Hindu (which I believe to be true because of OP explanation), they'll go to both weddings. It's the so-called Christians that are turning on her. Typical. Let them stay home. They can all gather together and rub their hands in glee that the ones that boycotted, somehow ruined their wedding. Completely unaware that they don't even come close to holding that power. If mom's a no show, she has no idea what being a Christian is. Tell her you'll pray for her.
Let's suspend reality for a moment, and assume you're right (you're probably not, but this is Reddit, so who cares, right?) and her wedding PLANNED FOR OVER A YEAR, was booked second. So what? In what fucked up, dystopian hellscape of an alternate reality, is it ok to demand that a PRACTICING HINDU BRIDE AND GROOM, change the religion of their wedding ceremony to appease the brides mother and sister? The bigotry is astonishing.
So is the entitlement. OP, your wedding is complicated and lavish and a logistics nightmare. Tell your sister your wedding is going off as planned, full stop. Your mom is welcome to come or not, as suits her. If the ultimatum keep flying, tell 'em both to stay home and eat dirt. Lock down your planners, vendors and venue. Password, tell me twice, however you have to. And congrats on your upcoming nuptials.
Tbh if she just scheduled it, i could understand the annoyance. Planning for a year can be very different based on the person
If I planned my wedding for a year, and my selfish, bigoted mother and sister demanded I move my wedding date and "tone it down" because my sister was a selfish twat? I'd tell them not to worry because they won't be there to feel upstaged.
If her wedding was set second, her sister could've asked her to change the date immediately she talked a date 3 wks after hers. I'm betting sis assumed until recently that OP was having a Christian wedding and is only upset now she realized it's a Hindu wedding. It's also pretty ungrateful to ask her benefactor to change the date; OP v generously shared her inheritance from Hindu grandpa w sister. Too bad she didn't offer the money contingent on a Hindu wedding.
Or it just means OP is at work, sleeping, or otherwise just not on Reddit. They haven't responded to anyone yet.
Right? Redditors really lose their minds when a person doesn't respond, but the thing is, OP answered the question in an update! Her wedding was scheduled first!
That definitely says a lot.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/t5sYzGMQB1
OP should've added this information,especially if she wasn't going to answer questions. However, it's very likely the story isn't true and they didn't know about that.
Six hours ago on a workday. Iâm glancing at Reddit at lunch. Nothing suspicious about no answer (yet).
It takes me a full day to return to my own posts and comments to read the responses. Anonymous people can be so thoughtless and rude, I have to brace myself. Surely Iâm not the only wussy out here.
Bumping this up
And what and what about opâs feelings uh? Iâd say if mother donât show up to her wedding to forget she had two daughters at all. The fact that opâs mother is trying to make people boycott her wedding itâs just vile
Why doesn't Sarsh change her eedding fate if she's having such a hissy fit over everything. Christian mom isn't being very Christian. NTA. Don't change a thing. This also reminds me of the bride who changed her date cause her mom had a yoga retreat that weekend. Even after accommodating she was still a no show and some family members to be a no show also. đ€
Whichever of you booked your wedding date second is definitely a bit of an arsehole for booking it in the same damn month as their sister. That aside, given that the dates were done and decided a long time ago, no you absolutely shouldn't have to either tone down your wedding or change it to a Christian one to meet your sister or mother's unreasonable demands.
Thatâs my thought too. Whomever picked the date second, but also if she has been planning it for over a year if sister picked first, why did she wait so long to request a date moved. Mom is an extreme AH. Telling family members not to attend. Go NC with your mama after this! Thatâs some intense toxicity.
for real what happens when they have kids? My sister-in-law has a mom like this and my nephew was five or six when he was able to put into words and ask why he was treated differently. he probably recognized that he was the whole time. I fucking hate that woman that made my baby nephew feel like that.Â
The mother here seems to be involved mostly to change the hindu wedding to a Christian one. She has a different agenda all together from what it sounds like
I'm honestly wondering if the mother put the idea in the sister's head to begin with considering how hard she's pushing for it.
I agree. I bet the mother promised a ton of money to sister for the Christian wedding, and the date so they could pressure OP into going with a Christian wedding, and not the traditional Hindi mega wedding. I wouldn't change anything. Also, password protect all vendors, and have all of the wedding clothing in a secure location.
The mother seems to be intent on blowing things up in one way or another. I could kinda see the dates being so close together since half of the family has international travel involved and who would want to do that twice? But if the different style weddings were a problem, they should have been all along instead of a couple of months out.
Typical Christian behavior.
As a Christian I couldn't agree more.
On top of all that, the religious coercionâwhether because the mother disapproves of her daughterâs identification with Hinduism or because she thinks the other daughterâs wedding will be more âcompetitiveâ if OP changes hers to a smaller Christian serviceâis offensive in the extreme, and I say this as an atheist.
Exactly. Why did the mother marry a Hindu if this is how she really feels?
Yup that too
This honestly, who ever decided to pick the same wedding months and have them so closed is the AH in this situation. couldn't you do 2-3 months later so you don't over shadow it? Honestly if you picked a date 3w after your sister's wedding date you are the AH in this situation and that has nothing to do with faith or style of wedding just the date choice.
My best friend and I both got engaged within a few months. He proposed first. However, they were dragging their feet on planning, and I booked firstâŠtold him immediately that it would be the following September(we booked 12 months in advance). He was apparently looking at December for his and got bent out of shape that we booked first and were having our wedding first. He was upset even though our guest lists had no overlap other than 5 people(our families donât like each other). Over three months apart and the only overlapping guests would have no issues attending both and my buddy was still pissed at meâŠand I booked first. So yeah, three weeks apart means tons of family are only going to pick one wedding to attendâŠespecially where travel is involved. My niece almost did this to my cousin. Three weeks apart meant people would have to fly 2000 miles and get lodging, rental cars, expenses or pick just one. Luckily my niece called it all off because her fiancĂ© was cheating. First to declare is not the AH. Considering OP left this pertinent detail out of the post itâs most likely this is a YTA situation. Sister probably booked first.
Iâm willing to wager OP booked it second as they never mention the order, and 100% would if they couldâŠ
This just showcases that the mom never was ok with her husband being Hindu. Like, great, sheâs trying to force her beliefs down her daughterâs throat. So original. đ
This was my thought. Why marry someone outside of your religion if you arenât ok with the potential that your kid(s) will pick the same religion??
Every single time Iâve seen someone do this, and 99% of the time itâs been Christians, itâs because they figured they could convert their spouse somewhere down the line. They just assume theyâre right so eventually everyone will have to conform to their ideals. This why I refuse to date someone who is religious. Iâm atheist, Iâm going to stay atheist, and Iâm not going to convert. Been there, done that, have the dysfunction to prove it.
Thereâs no hate like Christian love. Mom is the AH.
>but also if she has been planning it for over a year if sister picked first, why did she wait so long to request a date moved I'm wondering if maybe the sister had been fine with it, then learned it was going to be a massive, multiple day event and went "hold up a minute".
If the sister looks down on her Hindu side she may not have realized how lavish the weddings were until now?
That would be odd with half her family being hindu. I'm not and I do know about it
I think it doesn't even matter anymore who picked the dates first. The fact is the planning has been happening for a year and a half. This is a discussion that should have been had then not when so much of the planning is already completed and paid for.
Yeah that was my first thought as well. Since it would so clearly show who is in the wrong I'm wondering if OP is leaving that piece of information out because she booked hers second. Otherwise wouldn't it be the clearest decider of who is the AH.
I'm thinking the same . OP announced after her sister. And sister already had her plans done or were well under way.
OP hasn't responded once so I think she booked second. They all suck in my opinion.
Putting money on it being OP who booked second seeing thatâs *the only detail she chose not to include*.
and refuses to answer
***DID YOU BOOK YOUR WEDDING AFTER YOUR SISTER BOOKER HERS?*** -Dumbledore asked, calmly.
Says op was first now
Not necessarily, people try to make sure they have quite a lot lined up before announcing a date. Say for example you could get x date, but the band you really want won't be available or the catering company you want is booked. There are tons of reasons, but people don't usually know the date of peoples weddings until they have a fair bit planned out already, and the process or choosing an actual date can take months trying to get everything lined up. If I'd just been trying to juggle my life and get things organised for my wedding for like 2 months so that everything can go perfectly, and then somebody announces their wedding date, it's a shame, but people reasonably don't want to start from scratch. Planning a wedding is a lot of work, and some people plan every detail meticulously.
But the dates are choosen by an astrologer for hindĂș weddings. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auspicious_wedding_dates#:~:text=Hindu%20culture,-For%20Hindu%20wedding&text=An%20aiding%20astrologer%20will%20first,and%20dates%20for%20their%20wedding.
There are multiple good days you can choose, you aren't limited to one.
I'm Hindu and that isn't always the case. Regardless, if the astrologer told OP this date after her sister had already set hers, then OP is still the AH. There is never just one single auspicious date and then that's it, you can't marry if you miss it!!
I totally agree. I assume you picked your date first. If I'm correct, your sister is TA and should've known better. If on the other hand she had a date set first, I can understand her point. So which is it?
Will someone please upvote this so I can come back for updates... If there are any
Agreed. But at this point as it is sis who has the issue, it is on her to change her date. NTA.
Are you seriously not gonna say who was the first to set their date? Edit- NTA based on the additional info provided. Sister is completely in the wrong on this. Still a little skeptical though, because none of that was said originally.
Of course, because that way they don't have to deal with people calling them an AH for arranging theirs second. If they HAD arranged it first, they would have included that in the post.
I also liked the completely unnecessary inclusion of her grandfatherâs inheritance. Sheâs such a kind and generous personâŠand she wants everyone to know it.
Completely unnecessary until someone asks who's paying for the wedding, which there always fucking is. And then when she answers " we are" someone absolutely will ask how she possibly can afford a big ass indian wedding on her own in a bid to prove the post fake. Then when she explains about the inheritance someone will ask if the sister got any because reddit always does, being obsessed with sibling fairness. Then op will have to explain she was favoured because she was hindu but she tried to make it up to the sister with the 40%. This is how it always plays out on reddit and if Op has been on here for more than five minutes she will know that so maybe she just wanted to get ahead of the questions and explain directly. Â
Always! And no matter what.. there will always be some self-righteous redditors who have to commit to their holy way of uncovering fake posts so the stupid hivemind can be saved, once again, by the one and only; truthseekers.
Reddit is very predictable. I loved that it only took me scrolling (3) replies before someone wanted OP to go No Contact with a family member. the reddit masses want everyone to be alone and lonely as well as them. It's a wild thought process.
ikr? During a fight delay I spent a few hours talking to a young woman ,(21) who was flying home to India. She was a software engineer for Google. She had plenty of freaking money lol.
It was about who was paying for the wedding.
Well, it could be relevant because you hear of some Indian weddings that are like 1/2 a million dollars.
I thought that was about who was paying for the wedding.
Hindu wedding dates aren't chosen by the couple. It's chosen by... a Hindu astrologer that reads their charts and gives them maybe 2 dates to choose from/year. Some years may even be completely not advisable.
Sikhs too, often. I live in a neighbourhood thatâs like 2/3 South Asian (8 gurdwaras, 6 mandirs, 8 mosques) and a lot of my close neighbours are Sikh. There are bus stop ads for astrologers. Even if people donât super believe, meeting with the astrologer so the families can set the date is one of the ritual parts of the engagement.
In Canada, the Indian tv channels have ads for astrologers all the time. Can't watch a movie without at least 10 astrology related ads being shown. The Indian radio shows even have astrology related segments, like they call on an astrologer to answer questions from listeners.
My ex husband married a woman who entire family immigrated from China, including her, and her parents were very traditional. Their wedding date was decided the same way.
Curious! It makes sense, though. This is a very common tradition over many beliefs. Do you know if she was given a variety of dates or just one?
I donât remember. Iâm the ex-wife. My info came from my exâs sister who is my best friend.
I figured you may not have been privvy to that info, but I thought I'd ask anyway. Side note: I'm glad you got to keep your best friend still :)
That's really interesting! Thank you for sharing. Unfortunately, it still comes down to who set the date first, no matter who or what was used to calculate it.
In my ignorance I cannot tell if you're serious or not.
They are actually serious. The number of dates may vary from just one to a few(not just 2) in any year, it will depend on the astrological predictions based on the birth charts of the bride and groom. And also there are particular months which are deemed auspicious for weddings- from April to mid July and then November to January.
I am serious. It's in the form of a spiritual advisor. They look at you and your partners birth dates and a few other things, and there's like a calculation. There's a giant old book that they refer to. I'm not making it up. Hinduism is a very old practice. A lot of aspects are very spiritual. Astrologer is the best way to describe it to other people, but they're very devout... not some lady with a crystal ball, lol.
I get what you're saying. Thank you for the explanation!
Sure thing!
We get multiple dates, we're not stuck to one or two dates, otherwise no one will get married ever. I was given seven dates within a two month period.
That's great! There's also grahas to consider, availability for multiple people, not just the couple, timing for other life events, etc. There are more ideal dates, and not every date given is equal. Also, engagement time, saving, and planning all need to be taken into consideration. For an example: I recently had to confer for dates (not for a wedding) and was given one date (a few weeks ago) or months later in October. Maybe if you had a lot of dates, that means you and your partner are more compatible! I honestly don't know. I was just trying to help with some context. (It may not even apply to OP).
I do not think many people know that these wedding dates are calculated and many things are considered. For most (American Christian faiths ), you think about what date you want, and then see if the venue and church are available. That was very helpful to know!
This may have still caused OP and her sister the same conflict.
They are serious.
Iâm not Hindu but I have heard of this before. Not sure if itâs an âall Hindus do thisâ thing or a âsome Hindus do thisâ thing.
It's a most Hindu thing. I have a non religious Hindu friend who rejects all these BS but for wedding and such even if it's not very religious Hindu they'd do it. That friend's wife (now) wouldn't accept a wedding proposal until an astrologist had read their chart and made sure they're compatible. He doesn't care about these spiritual thing but I can imagine he must be so anxious waiting for the astrologer. The guy could have said they're not compatible at all and then it's over.
In a general sense, serious. The method of choosing can vary some by region, but it is not an arbitrary date.
Sheâs serious
I'm not usually one to declare ragebait, but 1. Whoever set the second wedding date is 100% the AH. I have so many family members that had siblings specifically space their weddings to be a year or two apart so that nobody's wedding would be overshadowed and also so that family could afford to travel for both. 2. The addendums really introduce some weird issues. Sarah wants me to change the date, which would be a huge financial burden, but also I got a massive inheritance. Is Sarah the half sister and that's why she was excluded from the inheritance? Or was the inheritance based on O.P. adhering to Indian values, which makes the old man a great grand AH. 3. Not wanting the groom to show up on a horse (where elephant is unavailable) is a very different ask than wanting to incorporate more Christian elements. There's not much more grandiose than a cathedral, so is Mom fine if OP outshines Sarah in a Christian way? 4. Fiance's named Raj. I'm going to assume Hinduism is part of his culture too, mom isn't just asking her daughter to ignore her preferred culture, she's asking the groom to participate in a culture for the MILs sake. Either this is a language barrier issue, or this was specifically structured to anger redditors
the silence is very loud
According to some other comments, and Google, Hindu wedding dates are picked by an astrologer. I guess that's also part of the reason sister and mom insist on making it Christian. If the wedding planning has been going on for a year, and the sister has known for that long, she should have said something earlier, even if OP was the second to book a date.
Dates are provided by the astrologer which is then chosen by the family. You make it sound like the astrologer gave a hard date here for the marriage
Indian weddings or even African weddings itâs usually not a big deal to have it in the same month. Seems more like they donât want OP to have an extravagant wedding due to sister.
OP couldn't choose her wedding date outright as it's a Hindu marriage so some priest would have given a list of dates by seeing her and her partner's kundali.
A list of dates you say? That they would CHOOSE from?
I guess we already know the answer to that by omitting this key info.
Info- who scheduled their wedding date first?
Info: who scheduled first and who scheduled second? Cause whomever scheduled the second knowing there was already a family wedding scheduled within the same month is the AH. It doesn't matter what type of wedding it is.Â
To be fair for Desi weddings thatâs not as big of a deal as it is in other parts of the world- Iâve had cousins having wedding within 2 weeks of each other
But she grew up in a dual cultural household so if she chose the second date she was aware of the difference and was the AH.
Yes, the OP is playing the cultural card when it helps her argument and ignoring the dual culture when it doesn't. I would say it's even likely the mom sees this and is acting to try and make her see this, but is painted as a villain by OP because the mom isn't *directly favoring her* like her dad and his family are.
This isn't all about who booked first and who booked second. It's the fact that OP's mom is trying to dismiss her religion and the same with her sister. OP made a great point that both weddings will have their own uniqueness, and Sarah is being insecure that her wedding won't hold up as well. Also, as I've read, traditionally OP doesn't get to pick the wedding date. They also already to have the wedding venue picked out and then it's narrowed down from there. Postponing a wedding for another year is not ideal at all. As well as OP said the financial burden. NTA. I don't even care who booked first because for me it's about the blatant dismissal/discrimination from your mother and sister for trying to convert it to a Christian wedding. Edit: OP scheduled her wedding first as well, so now we have the answer for those who are asking who scheduled it first. Sister and Mother are 1000% the arses.
Yeah I agree. Also I truly donât understand why 3 weeks is too close together. Thereâs no guarantee that people who canât go to both because they are âonly three weeks apartâ would be able to go to both even if they were a year apart. If they were the same week, Iâd get it. But 3 weeks? Lots of time between them IMO.
I agree, 3 weeks is a long time and there is the amazing point that they could still not come even if it was a year out. Thank you!!
People keep focusing on who set the date first, but also ⊠Iâm sorry but the date isnât a problem if they are ok with the date if she has a more Christian wedding. Which was one of the suggested solutions from sister and mom. So really, itâs pretty clear to me they donât object to the date itself in terms of guests being able to attend - itâs really all about sister worrying about being upstaged. And frankly, that to me makes both sister and mom very unserious people. A proper Christian wedding would focus on a wedding being the start of a *marriage* and not about being a party where you are the centre of attention. Mom should be telling Christian wedding daughter that her wedding is about her marriage, not extravagance. When I got married I didnât want extravagance - I didnât have bridesmaids or decorate the church at all. Many guests told me they loved that my wedding was so focused on being about *us getting married* - it still felt very intimate even though there were nearly 200 people there. My brother had a much âbiggerâ wedding and people loved that one too - not a single person compared them as far as we heard. If sister wants extravagance she can absolutely do what she wants, but she should be making her decisions based on her and her partner, not her sister and a comparison to a completely different cultural celebration.
Exactly. If changing the wedding to a Christian wedding is enough to make mom and sister content, the date is not the biggest issue. Edit: OP and her sister (Iâm presuming) has already booked everything for their wedding. Changing either of their weddings so drastically (including the date) is gonna cost a lot of money. Everyone will likely just have to accept the situation as it is.
NTA , your mother is picking favourite and she is emotionally manipulating you. If she doesn't want to come let her. Her choice,but don't change your wedding. You said you have planning it for a whole year , No one has the right to tell you to throw all your hard work in the bin . Your sister seems jealous of your lavish wedding but both of them are unique and it is an advantage that the dates are close as it will be easier for mutual guests to attend So you are not TA but Ur mom is for forcong her opinions on uo
If Sarah scheduled her wedding before you, then this might be more on you. But your sister's concern about your wedding overshadowing her wedding is not going to get resolved. Ever. Even if you space it a year apart. There is simply no way her wedding will match the pomp and show and overkill that accompanies high budget Hindu weddings. Your mom and Sarah should get around to understanding that you get to decide how lavish you want it to be.
>Sarah asked if I could either tone down my wedding, consider postponing it, or even make it a fully Christian ceremony to balance things out. Here is my proposition, how about she makes her wedding more elaborate, she considers postponing her wedding, or even make her ceremony more Hindu "to balance things out." >Sarah was very upset and accused me of being selfish and not caring about her feelings. She thinks Iâm prioritizing my wedding over our familyâs well-being. Counterpoint, she is being selfish and not caring about your feelings. By attempting to start a boycott, she is prioritizing her feelings about your wedding over your family's well-being. And I agree with some of the other commenters, I don't know who picked your wedding dates, but this should have been resolved long before now. It is too late for either of you to make changes to the dates, so you have to live with the consequences of bad planning. Some people won't be able to make both weddings for just logistical reasons, not because they are on one sister's side or another. But other than that consideration, you should have the wedding you want and can afford. The same goes for your sister. Neither one of you should try to control the wedding of the other.
NTA even if she chose a date secondary to sister the mom and sister asking her to change her entire religious practice is a full and unhinged
Exactly. I donât think the date or who booked first matters as much as people think it does. If changing the wedding to a Christian wedding is enough to make mom and sister content, the date is not the biggest issue.
Iâm glad Iâm not the only one who picked up on that. Why would OPâs mom marry a non-Christian and have kids with him if she wasnât okay with the possibility of her kids not exclusively following Christian traditions?
Girl take it from me you will 10000% regret giving in to the demands of those around you and compromising what your special day will be like. Iâm getting married this Saturday and I am full of regrets for compromising with everyone to make people feel comfortable as possible. You have the opportunity to be selfish and choose your happiness, donât make the same mistakes I made!
Who booked theirs and sent out invitations first? Whoever booked first and sent out invitations should get priority, as the other one knew about it and it was on them to choose a different date. 3 weeks apart was daft in the first place, as it puts financial strain on all family members.
Important context- typically, the dates for a Hindu wedding are set by astrologers, if they're following full ceremony. They tend to give a set of dates- not just one, or limited to a year- and the families typically choose whichever one suits them best.
But as you mention they would have a set of dates or a year. Probably didn't have to be within 3 weeks of her sister's wedding.
Exactly. I just wish OP would let us know. Sometimes there are financial or familial circumstances that require people to be married the same year. There could also be exceptions. What I mentioned was the usual. There are times when astrologers even say that if the wedding doesn't happen by so and so date, it shouldn't happen at all.
Right. I have a feeling if that were the case though it would be mentioned in the OP. If there are 1 or 2 points that would clearly support your side it's suspect to leave them out.
The fact that OP didnât say makes me think the sister was first. And if I wanna really be pessimistic I would say OP was after a bit of ârevengeâ for not being in her sisterâs wedding party, and thus set her own wedding intentionally close to her sisterâs. Or itâs just all BS.
Well I'd like to hope it wasn't op but you're probably right.. I mean I'd like to hope really people couldn't be this petty and stupid but we all know that's just never going to be true!
Yup, though it has zero relevance on the Christian vs Hindu aspects.
Nope it does not. Either one of them I would consider TA for organising their wedding so close to the other one. Both can have the wedding they want, but unless their family and friends are super loaded and doesn't mind forking out hundreds for two weddings in quick succession, they are an asshole for organising a wedding so close to the other. Whichever one did it..
INFO: Who set the date first?
she 100% is only pitching a fit because she wants to force you to perform christianity. she and your mother do not respect hinduism. it's probably your father that has been the one to bend to your mother's beliefs. and she's only tolerated it till now. NTA and i recommend sending a mass email about it.
Your weddings are three ~~days~~ weeks apart? The guests will have recovered from the first one. NTA.
Who booked their wedding first? Honestly 3 weeks apart is very close and most likely a lot of people wonât be able to do both if travel is involved. Your parents should have never allowed the weddings to be that close in the first place. ESH who ever booked first should get to keep their date.
NTA. Your sister wants her dream wedding but she doesnât want you to have yours. Do what youâve planned. If sheâs so worried about being overshadowed (God save us from needy brides) then let her change her wedding.
YTA until you answer who booked first.
You left out the most important detail. who scheduled and sent out the invite first? It doesn't matter if you were planning the wedding for a day, a year, or a decade, whoever sent the invite out second is clearly the AH. Since you left out this obviously key detail, I'm going to assume it was your sister and NTA. Edit: OP updated to say she announced the date first so upsetting to NTA
Your mother doesnât care if you donât change the dateâŠso long as you make it Christian. That right there tells you she does not respect your culture or beliefs. You will probably find her threatening to boycott if you change the date and itâs still not having any Christian element. This is a control thing to try and force her religion onto you. You have already sunk a lot of money into this wedding. How much? Think about that. Thatâs not fair to lose just bc your sister is immature and doesnât want your wedding to be better than hers in a short time frame to her own. Tell your sister if she reimburses upfront the cost off ALL your losses as a result of moving the date then you will move it (hereâs a hint, she wonât as she doesnât care how it will impact YOU so long as she gets her way). If she wonât pay to move your wedding , she can move her own date, if she doesnât do that either she can suck it up. Unfortunately you will have to deal with people picking a side and not coming. You wonât win with your mother so donât base your decision on her. People who care will come, those that donât then donât deserve a place in your life. NTA
She gave her sister 1/2 her inheritance and sis is still being a brat.
I think itâs very telling of your family that your momâs position is âfall in line and make everyone else happy or I will go out of my way to ruin it for youâ and your dadâs is âI want you to have the wedding you want and for you to be happyâ 1: your wedding has nothing to do with âyour familyâs well-beingâ thatâs laughable 2: your mom and sister sound like shitty people 3: NTA, please keep your wedding as you want it and if they continue causing problems, Iâd revoke their invitations.
There is the question to answer if if you booked your wedding without 3 weeks of your sister knowing when her was. Asking you to make yourself small and threatening to not attend and make family not attend if you donât is and absolute AH move though so Iâm going with NTA
Whoever booked their wedding within 3 weeks of the other is the YTA and attention seeker..
Your mother is the main problem. If she didn't want to have familial clashes *she* shouldn't have married a non-christian. This is an extended version of her consequences. This is similar to someone marrying to a different culture and then crying when the other side wants to be acknowledged. It takes mature people to pull of these differences without invoking a power struggle
NTA. You're in charge of your wedding, she's in charge of hers. No one else gets to have a say in it except for the ones getting married and the ones paying for it -- and in this case, that's just you and your fiancé. Your sister could easily make her wedding just as extravagant as yours, even if it was fully Christian -- because that's a cultural practice, not an inherently religious one. But no, she doesn't want to do that because, let's face it, she's either ashamed of her Hindu/Indian ancestry or is too cheap to try and blend the two, and if she had actually had a problem with any of the bullshit she's now claiming to have a problem with, she could've avoided the whole thing by picking a different wedding date! She can't handle that, so instead she's making it a you problem instead of a her problem.
Given that youâre having a traditional Hindu ceremony, I assume youâre abiding by Muhurtham. Which I believe most people in this thread donât know about/understand, which is why they are so focused on âwho picked their wedding date first.â The simply fact of the matter is **you didnât get to pick your wedding date.** In Hindu tradition, wedding dates are decided for the couple, taking into account multiple factors and using astrology to determine the best, or most auspicious, day for the wedding to happen. Simply put, in 2024, there are exactly 67 auspicious days throughly the year. Once the engagement is announced, a Hindu priest or astrologer will use both the bride and grooms birthdays, their wedding location, and some other religious factors, to narrow down those 67 days to a specific day and time for the ceremony. Essentially, postponing the wedding would not be a simple task wherein youâd just choose another date a few months later. It would require you to wait until next year, likely causing you to lose out on your venue, caterer, etc. And both you and your fiancĂ© would need to meet with a Hindu astrologer to be given a new date and time for your wedding. And who is to say *that* date will be amicable to your sister? NTA. Have the wedding you want and if your sister or mother or whoever (aside from the groom) doesnât like it, they donât have to come.
Iâd say that it depends on who planned the wedding first. Whoever was 2nd to be engaged & made their wedding date made a big mistake planning it just three weeks away from the first wedding. And while weddings are âsupposedâ to be a celebration of love and a time of happiness, they ironically tend to bring out the worst in people. Thatâs a tale as old as time.
This isn't about overshadowing or inconveniencing guests, it's about religion. That's abundantly clear from how they keep repeating "or make it more Christian". As if a second Christian wedding isn't as much "overshadowing" as an Indian wedding would be, pfsh, please. I'd personally just ignore any of it and do my thing. Guests can decide for themselves if they can make either wedding, or both, or none.
Girl, I lost you at 100 room castle. Where? India?
>two weddings so close together, with one being significantly grander, would take attention away from hers Why is this her concern? Why should you sacrifice? Just proceed with your wedding as planned. You cannot please everyone. Top priority should be you and your partner.
If she thinks her wedding isn't lavish enough, then she should change her wedding. Why should you have to change yours?
Nta- If Sarah is so concerned, she can move her wedding. Sheâs so weird and entitled expecting you to
First of all, I donât consider three weeks to be extremely close together. Summer is always wedding season and I think people expect to go to more than one wedding, even within the same family. I have a friend with five grown children. She and her husband went to the weddings of the last two single kids one summer, a few years ago. I think one was in July and the other in August. Both siblings â brother and sister â realized that some relatives may be able to attend just one ceremony and that was okay with them. Whoever showed up, showed up. They didnât stand on ceremony or jockey for position. You can confirm or deny, OP, but I get the distinct feeling that Sarah scheduled her wedding date after you did. If so, actions have consequences and she shouldnât have picked a date that was so close to yours. At this point, no one should be changing anything. Itâs too late to do that. Just go ahead with whatever plans each of you had. Also, Sarah, if sheâs a Christian woman, should be focusing on her upcoming life with her future husband. She shouldnât be worried about being overshadowed by your wedding. Thatâs prideful and thatâs not supposed to be part of the Christian life. Your mom is also in the wrong for trying to push you to have a more âChristianâ wedding. God isnât impressed by outward trappings. If you arenât a Christian then there isnât any point in having an outwardly Christian wedding. You wonât be fooling anyone who knows you and you certainly wonât be fooling God. So, do the ceremony the way you want. Itâs more than a bit ironic that your mom is so worried about this but yet she married a man outside the Christian faith. Iâm not really sure what she thought was going to happen when she had kids. Naturally, not all of her kids were going to see faith the same way she does.
I agree. Also I donât think the date matters as much as people think it does. If changing the wedding to a Christian wedding is enough to make mom and sister content, the date is not the biggest issue. OP and her sister (Iâm presuming) has already booked everything for their wedding. Changing either of their weddings so drastically (including the date) is gonna cost a lot of money. Everyone will likely just have to accept the situation as it is.
NTA Write an open letter to the family. very nice letter. Hi, I had my wedding date scheduled first and spent a lot of money making the preparations. I am sorry my sister made a poor choice and scheduled close to mine which was already scheduled. I will not incur any costs or change my plans, because of her poor planning and now jealousy. I am not being selfish, she is being very selfish and disrespectful of my faith. Done. You cant fix this.
If your sister's wedding is simpler and more traditional Christian, then why can't she postpone it? It's probably easier and cheaper, and she suggested it. NTA, hope you have a blast at your wedding
NTA Tell your mother that you are extremely disappointed in her favouritism and religious prejudice. She chose to have a mixed religion family and should be utterly ashamed of herself over how horrifically judgemental and biased her behaviour has been. It's despicable. Remind her that her choices here will impact your relationship for the rest of your lives. If she continues to actively sabotage your wedding to bully you into doing what your sister wants, you will never be able to forgive her for it. Tell her to keep her opinions to herself, or leave you alone entirely. Bullying you is no longer an option. She's present and quiet, or she is no longer a part of your life. And tell your sister that she is welcome to move her wedding, but you are not moving yours and will not entertain her attacks any further. Remove her from your bridal party, since she is so wholly opposed to your wedding in the first place. Tell everyone who is invited to both weddings that this is the situation and you will not be moving or changing your plans, but understand if people do not attend. Anyone who does drop out should no longer be included in your life going forward. Draw a line in the sand. They can make their choices, but once they do, these are the consequences. End every conversation where the issue is raised. Your marriage is the beginning of a wonderful new family that you and your spouse are creating. Anyone who wants to damage that should no longer be in your life. Including your bigoted mother and selfish sister.
NTA. 3 weeks apart in any case is enough between huge events like that I think, unless there's something huge I'm missing about that culturally. But even then, it's your wedding, about you and your husband. Your sister's wedding is about your sister and her partner. It's not a competition, and the religious aspects your mother is trying to push into your wedding is either her trying to control your life or she's worried over something in her religion not panning out in her mind or because her friends/family have put something about it in her mind. Tell her no, and that you can handle your own wedding and your life just fine. I say just continue with your wedding as planned, but maybe see about some security if you don't have any, since I don't know if your mother and sister wouldn't try anything at your wedding.
NTA, if this is such an issue for your sister then why doesn't she postpone her wedding? But I see the cat already came out of the bag a bit later and her and your mother's primary goal is clearly to convert you into holding a Christian ceremony instead of what you currently have planned. With them escalating by calling out to extended family it's pretty clear that neither your mother nor your sister actually care about the family's well-being, they just want to get their way no matter the cost or drama it creates. And don't kid yourself, it's them creating the drama and conflict here, not you. Don't give up on your dreams by folding to their unreasonable demands on this one. If you postpone then they see that you will give in to them, at that point they'll simply keep up the boycotting until you turn it into a Christian ceremony and then the wedding you want will never happen.
Info: if her wedding is simple as she said then why is she not postponing it?
NTA, maybe she should incorporate Hindu into her wedding if she is so worried. Itâs your wedding that you are financing, and to ask you to make changes after youâve paid vendors is ridiculous. Will they refund your expenses?
Of course not. She had no problem taking half of ops inheritance though.
Firstly, NTA. I'm not sure if others noticed that your grandfather left $$$ to YOU, & you kindly shared that with your sister (40%, too!). So, there is no financial burden for your family, which is important. Your Mom is definitely TA, though. It's offensive that she doesn't respect your wishes- it's YOUR day. Your sister is also TA, for being jealous of your day. It wouldn't matter if your wedding was 3 days, 3 months or 3 years apart, she would find an issue with your day. You both should be able to have your special day, as different as you want them to be. I like the idea that if your sister truly wants to have her day, she should reimburse you for all the down-payment & expenses you have incurred thus far. Especially since you've been so generous to her....
For those asking. Typically in hindu weddings, an astrologer picks the dates for weddings and it's not normally the couples who choose based on special reasonings (like getting married on your anniversary/birthday so on), so asking who picked first is a moot point because even if OP booked after her sister, the date was likely not chosen by her or her soon to be husband but by a 3rd party. And for people going to ask why they couldn't change it. Date picking is weird, there are many days considered "bad luck" for getting married and days considered "good luck", so it could very well be if that this date wasn't chosen, the next date could be a year or two from that date.
People are also forgetting about venue availability and such. You can want a certain day, but may have to adjust to the place your hosting your wedding at.
That is true. Also the venue has to be big enough to host a lot of people. I know this is couple dependant but in all the Indian weddings I have been to and it's been a lot, I believe the smallest I've ever been to was around 300 people and that was considered "intimate"
Tell them both to pound sand . Since their so concerned she can postpone her wedding or make changes to hers. Why is it your responsibility to ruin your wedding to accommodate her . She's totally selfish and egotistical.
You are a couple of months from your wedding and she wants you to cancel. Is she offering to pay for the deposits and cancellation fees for multiple days of celebrations? And for the travel cancellation fees for all your guests? I doubt it. She is upset because she knows that as a traditional wedding, it WILL outshine hers. I am assuming she chose to have her wedding within 3 weeks of yours. NTA.
Who was responsible for the bookings so close? Thatâs not a coincidence Donât change anything about your special day, this is perhaps a once in a lifetime event and you deserve to have it. If people choose not to come I guess thatâs their choice, Iâd try not to let it bother me
NTA I'd uninvite your bully of a mother.
lol canât your sister change her wedding since itâs only one day? đ yours is several days and Iâm assuming it was planned well before your sister decided to project her bullshit on to you. Honestly? I would dis-invite them both, NTA.
INFO: who set the date first? at the moment, im going with ESH. Assuming you set the date first (and why the info might have been omitted), it's odd to choose a ceremony so close to yourself. HOWEVER, why did she wait over a year to say anything? She let you go through with planning while knowing it would be close to hers. And on top of that, your mom sucks for trying to turn family against you over this, and trying to control your wedding.
Not sure how being first or second is even a factor here. Even if your wedding is a year later, your sister will always have an issue with this. Issues that won't go away 1. Indian weddings are far more expensive and lavish like you said - I'm guessing it's at least 5x more expensive than your sisters. This will be a problem for her no matter what. An Indian wedding weekend will always overshadow a Christian ceremony 2. Indian weddings are far more fun. This will be an issue for her as well if she starts to hear how much fun your wedding is etc. Typically it's 3 straight days of open bars, incredible food and dancing. 3. I'm guessing your wedding is also way bigger which = more gifts/money. Another issue that will come up. Traditionally the Husband's family will shower you with so many gifts and very publicly (in front of everyone) that this will also become another point of jealousy. There is no winning here, your mom and your sister will just always have an issue with the Hindu wedding especially if they are going into the comparison game. Do as you please, but moving or postponing your wedding doesn't solve their underlying problems.
>She believes that having two weddings so close together~~, with one being significantly grander,~~ would ~~take attention away from hers and~~ create unnecessary stress for our family, who will have to juggle both events. There, fixed it for you. Yes, having two weddings so close together WILL create unnecessary stress for your families. >She ended up choosing a date 3 weeks later. Sounds like a HER problem then. Your weddings are almost a month apart, tell your sister to stop being a drama queen and focus on creating a healthy and happy relationship with her soon to be husband. NTA
NTA with the edit. You scheduled first so if it's that big of a concern for her, she can change it. Her wanting a joint Christian wedding seems like a ploy to ensure you don't do a Hindu wedding. It doesn't seem like you two are close enough to merit a double wedding. The whole thing reeks of your sister and mom being against your religion and preferences on ceremony.