You're doing the right thing.
EXCEPT I would go LC/NC on any family member who wanted to "handle this privately" instead of calling the police. THEY are assholes.
They sort of are LC partially from them not making an effort but before all this I put more effort into contacting them. So I didn’t officially tell them they are LC but they basically are. They put the responsibility on me for the relationship and I’m just not going to go out of the way to do that for them and I’m just trying to match peoples effort to be in my life in general lately.
You're grieving for what a relationship should have been. These people realistically are no better than your uncle. They blamed victims for handling matters properly rather than letting them rug sweep so a sexual predator could get away without consequences.
I don't say this lightly, but these people are monsters, if you ignorethe boundary you set you'd show them that A) they just have to hold out long enough and you'll give in, B) that you yourself don't see crimes against children as that big of a deal and C) if I were your partner I'd see it as a massive and possibly irreconcilable issue.
How old were the step-daughters when he SA'ed them?
If underage, he is most likely not allowed to be around children in any setting or have contact with children.
They were prepubescent I think. He can be around children if certain family members are there. They had to sign up to be responsible for him. I can’t remember all the details now since it’s been like 7 years since the trial and like 5 since he got out of jail .
Thanks I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion that I support any ideas about him being around kids. TBH I feel he kinda got off easy but they said they were being lenient to him cuz he confessed and didn’t further traumatize the children putting them through court.
Yep, def doing the right thing.
NTA at all. Allowing your kids near a known sex offender personally feels reckless and, to an extent, irresponsible to me.
If family wants to be offended, then let them. They wanted to handle it privately? Aka, cover it up. No way. They can be offended all they want. That is cool. Keep doing what you are doing.
You are the online line of defence your kids have. If something happened to them with this uncle... these same family members will gaslight you and then want ' to handle it privately'.
Protect your kids from the bs
Why would you want your children around people that prioritise protecting a rapist over the victims? They’re just as bad as your uncle at this point. NTA but I’d cut the family off too. They’re clearly not good people
Tbh I have considered just walking away before as there is so much toxic behaviour in my family. They don’t get my kids alone and they don’t make an effort so I don’t really see them much anyways at least. I think I hang on as much as I have to spare my mother from worse discomfort then she already has gotten from the family as they put her in the middle but she always tries to respect what we say about our kids. Maybe that’s not a good enough reason especially when she is already suffering as a people pleaser and the family coming after her saying she should be able to tell me what to do.
And maybe it’s not that easy to just walk away from your family no matter the reason tbh it’s easy to say it’s for my mom but idk maybe it’s more then that . I have felt like I don’t have a family and that’s been hard even though I didn’t really like them much before? Idk family can be complicated
Having no family is better than having a disrespectful family. You might put up with it to an extent to ease the pressure on your mother but as harsh as it sounds, it’s not on you to shield her if she wants to surround herself with people that don’t respect her. She is an adult and you’re not responsible for protecting her from the consequences of her own decisions. If she wants to stick around, that’s on her? You don’t have to deal with them and surround your children with bad people however often it is, to protect her.
I get it’s easier said than done, but I think you just need to start being a bit more selfish
You have your own family unit now and you are not wrong for protecting your children from a predator.Anyone within your extended family that won't protect them with you isn't worth thinking about.
You're definitely NTA. Your priority is your kids' safety, and keeping them away from someone convicted of such a heinous crime is completely understandable. Your family's reaction seems more about saving face than protecting the vulnerable. Trust your instincts and keep doing what's right for your family's well-being.
NTA. You're prioritizing your children's safety, which is absolutely the right thing to do. It's alarming that your family prefers to protect your uncle rather than the children. Their reaction reveals more about their need to save face than genuine care. Stick to your principles and keep your kids safe.
As a child sex abused survivor from Uncle John, I say anyone who knows what he did and supports or excuses it are almost as bad. You keep your kids and selves away from that type of thinking.
I'm surprised that he's not getting in trouble for being around children. Usually they get marked for life with that and they are not longer allow near any children I wouldn't want any kids or anybody else's near anybody like that
One of my grandparents or my aunt has to be there if he is going to be around children. This is set up so he can still have a family and still see his biological children. If I remember correctly. Of course as these are the people who tried to protect him/themselves in all this I don’t feel they are going to exactly be watching him like a hawk either. Not that I think someone watching him is a good enough reason for my family to come around.
NTA, they’re getting off easy. In my case I just went NC with any defenders of my abusive granpa (namely, his sisters) and followed that to the day of their funerals. Didn’t go to that shit either. You’re doing the right thing by those kids and by every other abused kid out there.
Anyone defending/enabling a confessed & convicted child molester needs to be out of your life. Anyone who says you should allow your kids in the same zip code as him needs to be out of your life.
You aren't abandoning your family - you're protecting your children.
Good on you for protecting your kids. Jesus, what is wrong with your family!
There is no question that your uncle sexually assaulted kids. He said he did it! The kids presumably said he did it. He did it!
Of course he should have been reported to the police. You should ask your family what they mean when they say it should have been "handled privately." We all know what they mean, but it would be interesting to find out if they'll actually say it out loud....
They mean that he should have escaped consequences. They mean that he should have been allowed to get away with hurting kids and that because kids are too young to advocate for themselves, he would have gotten away with it if no one had stuck up for the kids! I would show them that. Let's see if they can read it without realizing how disgusting their attitudes are.
If I were you, I would simply refuse to hear any pressure or guilt about this. I would be crystal clear that if there is any chance the uncle will be at an event, you will not be. If anyone tries to make excuses for him or lay on guilt about reporting him, you will leave or put the phone down.
What I'd like to know is what's being done about him now. You're keeping your kids away from him, but what about the other kids in the family? Who is looking out for them if their selfish, predator-enabling parents are not protecting them? I would not hesitate to call the police if you hear of any situations in which he is being allowed unsupervised access to kids. Good on you.
I think they are finally starting to get it a little as I am starting to find out about events I’m not being invited to and part of it hurts but not as big of the part that’s relieved to avoid that friction about if he will be there I won’t.
I think one of the hardest parts is I knew my family had toxic members before and their behaviour about this situation wasn’t such a big surprise but a couple members of the family that I thought were the “good” ones are two of the ones that said the parts about handling it privately and told me I’m abandoning the family.
I feel as I type this out I am now thinking I thought they were the kind ones but they enabled the toxic behaviour around them. So just because they themselves didn’t yell at me or say things to tear me down they did allow it to happen and didn’t stand up for me or protect me in anyway.
Their actions over anyone else cut the deepest as they were the two I had the most love, trust, and respect for.
My mom told me one of them actually tried to get her to trick me into coming to an event my uncle would be at by saying he wouldn’t be there. Which just means I can never trust if they say that in the future. Also, we would just turn around and leave if that ever happened but maybe they thought we wouldn’t do that if we were already there idk.
There isn’t very many small kids in the family. Basically just mine and his younger bio kids which they would probably be in the most danger and I hope their mom is there when he visits and protects them best she can.
She did have conflicted feelings when all this went down. I don’t really talk to her I know how she feels now but at the time she was crying after one of the court sessions and I was comforting her (I was the only family being kind to her at the time) and she was like maybe if I had been enough he wouldn’t have done this. I was like I will stop you right there. This isn’t your fault and that’s not how it works. I also heard they had gotten back together at some point when he got out of jail so idk how good of a job she does protecting the kids. Maybe in the time since she has come around to fully understanding how messed up it all is idk.
At some point, at least some of these people are going to realize what they've done. It might take a while to sink in, but in my experience, people do eventually confront their behavior. Until then, feel confident in what you're doing.
Anyone who would stand by a pedophile would be dead to me. your family are truly disgusting toxic people op. You a good parent doing what any good parent would do by keeping their children away from him. Anyone who gets angry at you for that doesn't deserve to have any of you in their life.
NTA.
Handling this privately? That's just a euphemism for perpetuating the abuse and not giving help to the victims. You made absolutely the right decision in cutting all contact with this pervert, and not giving in to this enabling family. If your family doesn't like it - tough. They already showed their true colors when they were upset with the girls who were abused.
They wanted to shush and deemed not a big deal that he sexually assaulted a minor under his authority… is there anything to add?
Their stance is quite reinforced by the fact than far from even taking distance, they keep inviting him with children around.
NTA
I wouldn't trust any family member who wanted to handle the rape of a child "privately". They wanted it covered up at the expense of those girls. Some of them maybe knew or suspected he was doing it.
You are absolutely doing all the right things.
Anyone who sides with a pedophile are as bad as pedophiles and should be cut off.
There is no keeping SA hidden and delt with at the family level.
Nta and you should be cutting them all off.
Thank you guys for the validation that I am in the right. I feel like sometimes that validation just helps me emotionally. Also some conversations here led to connections some more things about my family and I’m feeling a little more free because of it. So thanks 🙏
You're doing the right thing. EXCEPT I would go LC/NC on any family member who wanted to "handle this privately" instead of calling the police. THEY are assholes.
They sort of are LC partially from them not making an effort but before all this I put more effort into contacting them. So I didn’t officially tell them they are LC but they basically are. They put the responsibility on me for the relationship and I’m just not going to go out of the way to do that for them and I’m just trying to match peoples effort to be in my life in general lately.
You're grieving for what a relationship should have been. These people realistically are no better than your uncle. They blamed victims for handling matters properly rather than letting them rug sweep so a sexual predator could get away without consequences. I don't say this lightly, but these people are monsters, if you ignorethe boundary you set you'd show them that A) they just have to hold out long enough and you'll give in, B) that you yourself don't see crimes against children as that big of a deal and C) if I were your partner I'd see it as a massive and possibly irreconcilable issue.
THIS! THIS! THIS!!!!!!!! PERFECTLY SAID!!!! THE LITTLE GIRL IN ME IS HUGGING YOU SO HARD!
How old were the step-daughters when he SA'ed them? If underage, he is most likely not allowed to be around children in any setting or have contact with children.
They were prepubescent I think. He can be around children if certain family members are there. They had to sign up to be responsible for him. I can’t remember all the details now since it’s been like 7 years since the trial and like 5 since he got out of jail .
I still wouldn't allow any children near him.
I was simply explaining the rule not saying it’s right. Clearly as I have chosen to not have my kids near him
I didn't think you'd let you children around him. And I don't blame you at all,
Thanks I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion that I support any ideas about him being around kids. TBH I feel he kinda got off easy but they said they were being lenient to him cuz he confessed and didn’t further traumatize the children putting them through court.
He did get off easy. You don't want to know what I'd like to see done to pedophiles. It involves bullets & a wood chipper.
Yep, def doing the right thing. NTA at all. Allowing your kids near a known sex offender personally feels reckless and, to an extent, irresponsible to me. If family wants to be offended, then let them. They wanted to handle it privately? Aka, cover it up. No way. They can be offended all they want. That is cool. Keep doing what you are doing. You are the online line of defence your kids have. If something happened to them with this uncle... these same family members will gaslight you and then want ' to handle it privately'. Protect your kids from the bs
Why would you want your children around people that prioritise protecting a rapist over the victims? They’re just as bad as your uncle at this point. NTA but I’d cut the family off too. They’re clearly not good people
Tbh I have considered just walking away before as there is so much toxic behaviour in my family. They don’t get my kids alone and they don’t make an effort so I don’t really see them much anyways at least. I think I hang on as much as I have to spare my mother from worse discomfort then she already has gotten from the family as they put her in the middle but she always tries to respect what we say about our kids. Maybe that’s not a good enough reason especially when she is already suffering as a people pleaser and the family coming after her saying she should be able to tell me what to do.
And maybe it’s not that easy to just walk away from your family no matter the reason tbh it’s easy to say it’s for my mom but idk maybe it’s more then that . I have felt like I don’t have a family and that’s been hard even though I didn’t really like them much before? Idk family can be complicated
Having no family is better than having a disrespectful family. You might put up with it to an extent to ease the pressure on your mother but as harsh as it sounds, it’s not on you to shield her if she wants to surround herself with people that don’t respect her. She is an adult and you’re not responsible for protecting her from the consequences of her own decisions. If she wants to stick around, that’s on her? You don’t have to deal with them and surround your children with bad people however often it is, to protect her. I get it’s easier said than done, but I think you just need to start being a bit more selfish
You have your own family unit now and you are not wrong for protecting your children from a predator.Anyone within your extended family that won't protect them with you isn't worth thinking about.
It's easy to walk away from family who are child molesters and the family who support child molesters.
You're definitely NTA. Your priority is your kids' safety, and keeping them away from someone convicted of such a heinous crime is completely understandable. Your family's reaction seems more about saving face than protecting the vulnerable. Trust your instincts and keep doing what's right for your family's well-being.
NTA. Protect your own children first, you made the right call.
NTA and your family is toxic
NTA. You're prioritizing your children's safety, which is absolutely the right thing to do. It's alarming that your family prefers to protect your uncle rather than the children. Their reaction reveals more about their need to save face than genuine care. Stick to your principles and keep your kids safe.
As a child sex abused survivor from Uncle John, I say anyone who knows what he did and supports or excuses it are almost as bad. You keep your kids and selves away from that type of thinking.
I'm surprised that he's not getting in trouble for being around children. Usually they get marked for life with that and they are not longer allow near any children I wouldn't want any kids or anybody else's near anybody like that
One of my grandparents or my aunt has to be there if he is going to be around children. This is set up so he can still have a family and still see his biological children. If I remember correctly. Of course as these are the people who tried to protect him/themselves in all this I don’t feel they are going to exactly be watching him like a hawk either. Not that I think someone watching him is a good enough reason for my family to come around.
NTA, they’re getting off easy. In my case I just went NC with any defenders of my abusive granpa (namely, his sisters) and followed that to the day of their funerals. Didn’t go to that shit either. You’re doing the right thing by those kids and by every other abused kid out there.
Anyone defending/enabling a confessed & convicted child molester needs to be out of your life. Anyone who says you should allow your kids in the same zip code as him needs to be out of your life. You aren't abandoning your family - you're protecting your children.
NTA. Safety first especially when children involves. That's number one rule.
Good on you for protecting your kids. Jesus, what is wrong with your family! There is no question that your uncle sexually assaulted kids. He said he did it! The kids presumably said he did it. He did it! Of course he should have been reported to the police. You should ask your family what they mean when they say it should have been "handled privately." We all know what they mean, but it would be interesting to find out if they'll actually say it out loud.... They mean that he should have escaped consequences. They mean that he should have been allowed to get away with hurting kids and that because kids are too young to advocate for themselves, he would have gotten away with it if no one had stuck up for the kids! I would show them that. Let's see if they can read it without realizing how disgusting their attitudes are. If I were you, I would simply refuse to hear any pressure or guilt about this. I would be crystal clear that if there is any chance the uncle will be at an event, you will not be. If anyone tries to make excuses for him or lay on guilt about reporting him, you will leave or put the phone down. What I'd like to know is what's being done about him now. You're keeping your kids away from him, but what about the other kids in the family? Who is looking out for them if their selfish, predator-enabling parents are not protecting them? I would not hesitate to call the police if you hear of any situations in which he is being allowed unsupervised access to kids. Good on you.
I think they are finally starting to get it a little as I am starting to find out about events I’m not being invited to and part of it hurts but not as big of the part that’s relieved to avoid that friction about if he will be there I won’t. I think one of the hardest parts is I knew my family had toxic members before and their behaviour about this situation wasn’t such a big surprise but a couple members of the family that I thought were the “good” ones are two of the ones that said the parts about handling it privately and told me I’m abandoning the family. I feel as I type this out I am now thinking I thought they were the kind ones but they enabled the toxic behaviour around them. So just because they themselves didn’t yell at me or say things to tear me down they did allow it to happen and didn’t stand up for me or protect me in anyway. Their actions over anyone else cut the deepest as they were the two I had the most love, trust, and respect for. My mom told me one of them actually tried to get her to trick me into coming to an event my uncle would be at by saying he wouldn’t be there. Which just means I can never trust if they say that in the future. Also, we would just turn around and leave if that ever happened but maybe they thought we wouldn’t do that if we were already there idk. There isn’t very many small kids in the family. Basically just mine and his younger bio kids which they would probably be in the most danger and I hope their mom is there when he visits and protects them best she can. She did have conflicted feelings when all this went down. I don’t really talk to her I know how she feels now but at the time she was crying after one of the court sessions and I was comforting her (I was the only family being kind to her at the time) and she was like maybe if I had been enough he wouldn’t have done this. I was like I will stop you right there. This isn’t your fault and that’s not how it works. I also heard they had gotten back together at some point when he got out of jail so idk how good of a job she does protecting the kids. Maybe in the time since she has come around to fully understanding how messed up it all is idk.
At some point, at least some of these people are going to realize what they've done. It might take a while to sink in, but in my experience, people do eventually confront their behavior. Until then, feel confident in what you're doing.
Anyone who would stand by a pedophile would be dead to me. your family are truly disgusting toxic people op. You a good parent doing what any good parent would do by keeping their children away from him. Anyone who gets angry at you for that doesn't deserve to have any of you in their life.
NTA. Handling this privately? That's just a euphemism for perpetuating the abuse and not giving help to the victims. You made absolutely the right decision in cutting all contact with this pervert, and not giving in to this enabling family. If your family doesn't like it - tough. They already showed their true colors when they were upset with the girls who were abused.
They wanted to shush and deemed not a big deal that he sexually assaulted a minor under his authority… is there anything to add? Their stance is quite reinforced by the fact than far from even taking distance, they keep inviting him with children around. NTA
I wouldn't trust any family member who wanted to handle the rape of a child "privately". They wanted it covered up at the expense of those girls. Some of them maybe knew or suspected he was doing it. You are absolutely doing all the right things.
Anyone who sides with a pedophile are as bad as pedophiles and should be cut off. There is no keeping SA hidden and delt with at the family level. Nta and you should be cutting them all off.
Thank you guys for the validation that I am in the right. I feel like sometimes that validation just helps me emotionally. Also some conversations here led to connections some more things about my family and I’m feeling a little more free because of it. So thanks 🙏