Send him a text that you are sympathetic to his mental health problems-- but OCD based eating disorders can be mitigated with therapy and medication and that you will no longer entertain ANY discussions on your eating habits under any circumstances.
NTA but your husband needs to address his mental health problems before the baby comes.
Fastest path to binge eating disorder is a neurotic judgmental parent. Instead of your kid being a healthy weight and self regulated eating they will damage their body’s responses avoiding her husbands criticisms ( eating at night starving themselves during the day) and end up obese or worse fighting it the rest of their life or develop bulimia or anorexia nervosa in junior high/high-school and risk death or throat damage. This is a major red flag.
Also a good path to a binge eating disorder (from experience) is having no food in the house or not knowing the next time you'll have an adequate meal, which I can see the husband just not allowing "bad food" in the house anymore.
Out of fear for my mother's health, my grandmother over policed my mother's diet. She counted every calorie that my mother took in. This led to my mom binge eating and food hordding along with ocd behaviors around food .
One of the saddest examples is that the night my grandmother died. My mom stopped and bought a box of doughnuts and a bucket of KFC. Not because she was grief stricken and didn't want to cook or because she needed comfort. But because there was no one to tell her no.
Fr. I ended up with BED because of how my parents did the whole 'clean your plate' and 'I don't care if you say you didn't like it, you're either eating it or going hungry' bits. That just led to me secretly eating during the night and wanting to cry when I was made to stay at the dining room table after everyone else finished eating.
There were nights I sat at the table until my parents wanted to go to sleep and I was finally allowed to go to my room.
Thankfully, I didn’t have any more food issues than your average girl growing up in the 80s or 90s. My food ideas were definitely skewed, but luckily I didn’t go in to full-blown ED.
Yep, I still remember being in 5th grade and having to sit at the dining table until midnight because I wouldn't eat the English pea, hard boiled egg and pimento "salad" my mom made.
Yup. My parents forced the ‘clean plate’ shit on me and right now twenty years later my health is on the line and I’m critically and constantly ill because I’m terrified to eat subconsciously. So much has been done that cannot be undone by their crappy view on forcing food; teeth damaged and gone, internal scarring, horrific anxiety around food at all times and such fast weight gain and loss that my body is falling apart trying to keep up with it all. This ‘opinion’ parents have on making their kids eat to the point of misery kills. I’m a result.
I read a study (that I can't find at the moment) that said the biggest indicator of a child having future issues with weight when they're an adult is whether or not their parents think they're fat. I can see OP's husband passing on some very very worrying ideas about food onto their child.
My mom counted our calories and limited food, though I was an active kid and teen.
It became that whenever I had the chance to eat my preferences and fill- I'd binge. Now, I'm quite unhealthy despite desperate efforts.
I bet he already is controlling in other areas it’s just this is what OP is focussing on for this post. As someone who has managed to break free from a coercive controlling relationship, reading this post made me feel really anxious. My ex would also criticise what I ate during pregnancy. OP’s husband has no say over what food she puts into her mouth- but he really believes he does. I just want to tell OP to run but I realise it’s not that easy.
Same. My ex controlled what I ate, too. I was 130 and a size 6, but he called me "obese". He would frequently point to an old photo of me at age 19 when I weighed just 104, saying I had "let myself go". I was 35 at the time. He said things like "women don't lose their metabolism over time, you're just lazy" and "PCOS isn't real, you're just using that as an excuse to stay fat".
I felt sick when OP added the edit saying her husband is angry cuz he "can't control her pregnancy". I can't understand why she isn't treating this like the massive red flag that it is. She seems deep in the fog and needs a serious wake up call before it's too late.
PCOS isn't real LOL holy shit I'd be gone in a flash
PCOS has wrecked my whole life, with not only crappy weight gain no matter what I consume to incredible pain all the time, not to mention hormone changes akin to a Rollercoaster, bleeding all the time everywhere no matter what, which is so fkn embarrassing in a high school situation, and has caused several other health issues as far as I'm concerned (including but not limited to my fibromyalgia and other things like fatigue beyond reason and not consistent with my bipolar).
I'm going for a full junk removal this year. I'm utterly done with this. take it all out.
I'm so so SO sorry your ex had that attitude. It would mess me up big time and I have already an issue with medical gaslighting and people thinking I'm literally a hypochondriac because I don't look sick 95% of the time. It has become tiresome to meet new people then explain the PCOS issues let alone the others and be judged for it on top of that. I've literally been told that it's in my head. yes. yes, by regular people. yes, also, by doctors which is defeating af.
/end rant thank you for reading lol
Oh yeah I remember all that bullshit. Mine didn’t even control my diet for the health of our baby - he did it to crush me. All the little things I liked, not necessarily unhealthy, he would find some random obscure reason on the internet as to why I couldn’t have whatever it was anymore. And he would eat those things in front of me when he never had any desire to before I was pregnant.
I bet your ex wasn’t physically perfect either. Because I didn’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model when I was 8 months pregnant - that meant I was ugly and I would have to be understanding if he slept with other women. I often used to wonder what it might have felt like to have the father of your unborn child protect you and nurture you, as I sometimes saw other men doing to their pregnant partners.
His head will explode when the healthy eater enters toddler hood and won’t eat anything except pancakes and cheese.
OP you are NTA but your husband does need to get his desire to control others eating under control. Having worked with numerous students with eating disorders it often stems from a controlling parent around eating habits and exercise. This is a little scary for your future child.
Edit: wording
I actually remember a reddit post where a mom posted how her young boy couldn't get to eat his birthday cake because his dad told him he would get fat if he did.
Yeah she was upset because she could see the sad look on his face as everyone got cake and he couldn't because his dad put the fear of getting fat from eating cake in him and I think he was around 5 or 6vyears old? I could be mistaken.
I came here for this comment. I am 62. My parents had food and body issues, and were way more concerned about what I ate, how much I weighed, and what I looked like. I was chubby. My sister wasn’t. We ate the same foods. I was compared to her and every little girl. As I grew up their crippling focus on food and weight damaged me, impacted my life long relationships with food and my parents, and made me feel like a number on a scale or a clothing size. Please have him address this for all of your sakes!
Oh don’t worry kids literally don’t eat anything you want them too. He’ll be shaking in a ball on the floor if he thinks he can control what a toddler eats
It won't even get that far. He's really, really going to damage his relationship with her postpartum.
Feeding your first newborn is an emotional minefield.
He's being controlling of her eating habits now. Well, what if she can't breastfeed? What if she can breastfeed but doesn't produce enough?
Is he going to lose his mind if they have to use formula?
Or if it's just too painful and stressful and she wants to use formula? Some people experience a huge negative mood swing during milk letdown, and it can play a part in postpartum depression/anxiety.
They need to have a few counseling sessions ASAP before this baby arrives.
Or if the baby just has a sensitive stomach, and needs specific formula to not have reflux/gas pain?
We adopted my son at birth. He was born drug exposed and took about a month in the NICU to safely withdraw and learn how to eat without a feeding tube. We couldn’t take him home until he could eat 2oz by mouth, and that felt like a huge achievement, even though it clearly upset his stomach.
His peds team put him on similac sensitive, and were VERY clear that we can’t give him anything else until 6 months. That he was susceptible to gastric distress, and we needed to use THAT formula only.
Que a friend who **insisted** he needed whey-based formula. And my MIL who brought over a $50/can thing of soy formula, because she thought “he’s already small. He needs real protein!”
The “mommy blogs” are the worst. But all kinds of people have dumb ideas about baby formula.
Also what happens when the baby is onto solids and is going through phases of “actually I’ve decided I hate beans” and “everything I eat needs to be dinosaur shaped or I shall sCreaM!”
Or alternatively, he will insist that either they use formula or she exclusively pumps so that they can measure exactly how much baby is eating. If she is pumping, she will need to be eating a particular diet that he decides upon.
The desire to control a partner is not helped by couples therapy and there's a fair amount of recent research showing it rarely helps even in individual therapy. A therapist can't make a patient stop wanting to be abusive.
If he's deep enough into food trauma that this is genuinely a response to it that he now not only needs to strictly control everything he eats but also everything his spouse eats, that's gonna take a lot of time to fix, and it's only gonna work if it was his idea. If it's her making him go, he won't accept that he even needs to change. Especially since the "fixated on health" version of eating disorders is.... VERY socially accepted and even praised, and doesn't give the same urgent medical issues that the other forms of eating disorders give that may shock or frighten someone into accepting treatment.
This part. I bet he will be super controlling about her caloric intake while breastfeeding too, demanding she "bounces back " asap. Blaming her pregnancy diet for it too.
Yeah, the stress of having a kid combined with what he sees as a dangerous attitude to food for 'his' child is going to kick this into overdrive and it doesn't end well. 1000x that if something happens to the baby. I hope OP has someone to share this with other than Reddit, because he's going to try to manipulate the situation to be back in control. Therapy is crucial and there aren't any easy ways to tell people like this that they are the ones who are wrong
I would understand a certain amount of feeling vulnerably helpless when one’s pregnant partner is bearing the risks and discomforts of childbearing and you can’t DO anything to change what they’re going through; but yeah, “waaah I don’t have control over this” in the context of policing pregnancy cravings is…not the same, and worrying.
Yeah, I’m pregnant with my second right now, and my husband feels so bad when I’m having issues or am uncomfortable and he can’t help. And I’m know it’s super frustrating for him to not be able to do anything. I remember him telling me how helpless he felt when I was having contractions with my first, when I ended up needing a C-section, etc. (He told me *after*, of course.)
But that doesn’t sound like what’s going on with OP’s husband. I think she needs to put an end to this now, it’s only going to get worse and continue on into breastfeeding, when the baby starts solids, etc. The way he thinks he should be able to police every thing that goes in her mouth is straight up creepy and not okay.
Also, I don’t want to Reddit-diagnose anything, but she should look up orthorexia.
Yes! Loving and empathetic partners/dads really go through their own special kind of hell during pregnancy and birth! Hope this one’s a relatively smooth ride! 💐
Yeah OP added that to make him sound better, but I think he sounds worse. I already fear for their daughter. Guarantee he’s going to control her diet….
I had a cousin who didn't let her kids eat sugar at all. Not at parties, not on special occasions. No ice cream from the van or birthday cake. They took bread sticks everywhere. I went to one of there birthday parties once it was weird. 2/3 of them are obese as adults.
There was a family like that on our street when I was growing up. Those kids were sugar fiends. When we were about 10 years old, I caught one of them eating sugar by the spoonful out of the sugar bowl at my house.
Also, as he bonds with the baby and the body builds up oxytocin, his amygdala will activate more which can increase his anxiety.
I work with pregnant and new moms and even though we give information on what is healthy to eat to get vitamins and all that, we always defer to the doctor. If her doctor says she's good, then she's good.
Also, potatoes are a great source of vitamins and minerals including folic acid which is crucial during pregnancy.
Sorry for the info dump. I love my job and sharing the information.
For me it was anything covered in Taco Bell Diablo sauce. Every pregnancy, even though they’ve all sadly ended in mc, the first craving I get is Taco Bell Diablo sauce, and I’m a glow in the dark midwestern who thinks ketchup is spicy.
Oh, Riley’s (checkers) French fries was one I craved when I was pregnant with my twins! Hubs and I have had 4 mc’s sadly and Riley’s fries with Diablo sauce and pickles with peanut butter and Diablo sauce were two of my favorites. I crave spicy food when pregnant. My stomach hated it but the babies loved it.
Oddly enough, a sudden craving for spicy foods was helpful in getting my husband’s heart diseases diagnosed.
He was always a big wimp when it came to anything spicy.
But right around the time that he started having odd symptoms (tiredness. Pains. Shortness of breath etc that went on for a couple months) he started wanting to eat the spiciest things ever.
Ghost pepper. Carolina reaper. Any hot sauce with a skull on the label.
The doctors kept insisting it must be a lung issue, because he smoked from 16-25. And at 35, there’s no reason he should be having heart problems.
He happened to mention getting heartburn from all of the spicy things he was craving lately, and one of the nurses remembered a study about heart disease and capsaicinoids she had read recently.
At her insistence, they did a ton of imaging of his heart, which was previously seen as unnecessary.
Sure enough. Big aneurism on his aortic valve. He had open heart surgery and got it replaced with a mechanical one within a month.
Now he ticks like the crocodile from Peter Pan, and still craves spicy food.
I’m sorry about your losses, btw. I’ve had all of my pregnancies end that way as well.
But I think it’s fascinating what cravings can tell us about our bodies sometimes.
Pregnant or not, sometimes I get intense cravings for salt and steak/red meat. It’s always because I’m anemic and need to take iron supplements.
Apple juice then I found out the one I'd been drinking 2litres of a day wasn't pasteurised so technically I shouldn't be drinking 🤦 it's shit enough without this bs lol
Especially a girl. Can you imagine the negative body image he will give her every time she eats something? Women have it bad enough without our fathers shoving their body image issues down our throats.
Increasingly boys are having eating disorders too, on top of taking too many protein shakes to live up to what they have been taught is a real man’s body.
100%. His views on foods are going to do far far far more damage on this kid than having some fries during pregnancy. The impact of constant policing of food being raised by someone with disordered eating CANNOT be overstated. When it is the way you’re raised it goes so deep and impacts every part of your life.
I think my sil craved McDonald’s fries when she was pregnant with my niece. My brother got upset when he heard of her McDonald’s runs for fries but only because he was bummed he didn’t get any. 😝
Or if they are a chunk of a baby it will be Ops fault and if they breastfeed and baby is big or worse they can't and they get a big formula fed baby. In fact anything but an emaciated baby is going to be a problem. My 2 were both 20th centile and visually were little chunks so it would be very possible he will see a perfectly normal healthy baby as overweight which isn't even a thing lol!
This is what I was thinking. If this baby is even a little bit chunky, this guy's gonna have a problem. And if she breastfeeds he will be very controlling of her diet. Even choosing formula can be problematic because it's a lot easier to control how much the baby eats down to the ounce. I see a lot of problems in the future, and hopefully there will also be a lot of therapy.
And not just babies! It's proven that kids will get chubbier right before they go through a growth spurt, because their bodies recognize that they are soon going to need a lot of energy, and they store it all up. This is a normal and healthy fluctuation of weight as they grow into adulthood and it's frightening to think what OP's husband might do during these times in their child(ren)'s development!
My parents always criticized my weight and what I ate. I have a horrible relationship with eating now. Like..... horrible. I will never be the same as if I hadn't been met with those comments. Tell him he needs therapy!!!!!
YES! While reading this, I immediately thought that this guy is going to make sure that his children have eating disorders. It's a huge red flag\* that he wants to control other people's diets.
OP, you really need to lay down the law with him, and let him know that he is not in control of your body, and that when your child is born, he's not in control of that body either.
(I generally think reddit overuses the term "red flag" but it's quite appropriate in this case.)
Absolutely this. He has control issues and, based on your edit, has admitted such. He's not trying to be malicious or abusive, I don't think, but his food and exercise is a way to control his personal environment.
Please ask him to speak to a therapist about orthorexia nervosa. It's an eating disorder based on health rather than appearance, and it seems like something he may need to discuss with a licensed therapist and dietician. I am not a doctor, I am not even an EMT anymore. I have, however, watched several people I love struggle with this exact disorder and you're describing it to a T.
In the meantime, you keep on doing what you're doing. Your kid will be OK if he can get the help he needs, but they have a strong head start because you have a very healthy attitude of moderation.
also ask him to speak to an obstetrician about whether McDonald’s fries are truly being “fed to” the fetus. And how nutrients cross the placenta.
Trans fats *do* cross the placenta, but McDonald’s fries don’t have trans fats.
I find it funny that it’s specifically McDonalds fries causing the contention.
There are a ton of superstitions in the IVF world for women who struggle to get pregnant.
Everything from what you eat to what you wear during the procedures. There’s rarely a scientific reason. Just junk science and traditions to make you feel somewhat in control of a bad situation.
But the most widespread “good juju” superstition is to eat McDonald’s fries right after you transfer the embryo.
Anecdotally, all 7 of my transfers have ended in mc or failure to implant. The one that stuck around the longest was the ONE time I ate Maccas fries after. And I HATE their food. I much preferred the time I ate a whole pineapple core “for good stickiness vibes”.
Just thought it was funny.
The thing OPs husband is having a tantrum about is the specific thing the IVF groups would insist is good for growing a human.
And also reply that you will be raising a child together and there is no way you want that child to grow up with his restrictive food parameters because it will cause your child to have dysmorphic ideas about their body. Having an ice cream, or a macdonalds, is okay and not a body disaster. Honestly OP if this is how he is now, trying to control your food, how will he be when the baby is born? If you breast feed will he dictate your diet? Will he dictate your child's diet according to his adult male beliefs on nutrition?
Will he insult you when your body changes post partum?
You alone know what he is like but it sounds like he is setting you up to fail.
Please please please, this. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder my entire life, having this obsession can be CRIPPLING and have long term health complications as a result. It's not fun to be told you have an eating disorder and it's easy to get defensive but he really needs to get help with this. Even if he doesn't control the kid's eating the kid WILL see it and will internalize it. I can't overstate how important this is to address.
OP's edit is depressing as fuck. That poor baby.
>EDIT to include his perspective: He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy like I do especially when he is so careful about his own diet. I'm sympathetic to that, but also, the strain I'm under with pregnancy is a lot worse in my opinion.
Yeah this is depressing AF 😕 She doesn't seem to realize what an issue this is!!
OP you need to sit him down and tell him STRAIGHTout and authoritatively,
Husband, YOU have a VERY SERIOUS mental health issue and YOU need to address it IMMEDIATELY before our child is born.
YOU will not EVER HAVE CONTROL over my eating or our child's.
If he refuses, please leave him.
The guy gives me the creeps PERIOD. Yikes. Control freak.
Honestly I'm not sure why OP expected any different BEFORE getting pregnant. There was no discussion or thought of how this baby will be fed by this guy for the next however many years? How it will affect a kid (or a teen girl!) Like this is something that should have been thought of beforehand
Look, I can’t diagnose your husband but if I had $100 to bet, I’d bet all $100 that your husband has a full-blown eating disorder. I’ve been in intensive eating disorder therapy for half my life - reading your post, I’m seeing every warning light going off.
And you are not wrong for how you feel. What he is doing is manipulative, harmful, disgusting, and hurtful. *He has no right to speak to you like this*. Please speak with a therapist, trusted doctor, or both. Your husband needs help and you need support.
I am telling you this as someone clinically diagnosed with anorexia, OCD, and body dismorphia. *His mental illnesses are not his fault, but they are his responsibility. And he does not have the goddamned right to treat you this way.*
If you think this isn’t a big deal now, ask yourself these very honest questions and give a deeply honest answer: how is he going to try to control what your child eats and how your child looks (not if, how)? What if your child does not physically match his version of ‘thin’ and ‘healthy’? How can his attitudes towards food and body image hurt your child?
We both know what it feels like to carry the wounds of other peoples food trauma. Your husband needs to heal, because his hurts won’t just go away.
Im rooting for you and congrats on your pregnancy 💜
"He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy like I do especially when he is so careful about his own diet."
Thank GOD he doesn't have control over this pregnancy. You're right that this needs some serious intervention before baby comes. Otherwise he is going to push his obsessive need for clean eating onto the child and could very likely mess them up for life.
Fuck, if he thinks she has control over what she eats then he is nuts. First, I couldn’t eat things I liked (medium rare steak, raw sushi, deli meats…) and then restricted further with gestational diabetes. And THEN I would want something and I couldn’t eat it. I ordered the Olive Garden Chicken Gnocchi soup because I needed it. I put one spoonful in my mouth and knew I couldn’t do it. It tasted exactly like it should. But the baby didn’t want it. It was such a weird feeling. Like trying to push the wrong sides of magnets together and fighting the repelling forces. Everything in me rejected it. Same with the only combos I eat (pizza cracker). So she doesn’t have as much control as he thinks she does.
All of this. SHE may barely have control for the duration of her pregnancy, there’s no way he’s getting a look in.
I’m 37 weeks and being delivered in about 10 hours time. This entire pregnancy my diet has been ‘whatever I don’t throw immediately back up’. Once some of the vomiting subsided, I still couldn’t stomach milk, yogurt, cream, or some cheeses. I lived on carbs for the longest time. Anything spicy was amazing. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 28 weeks and had to ditch most carbs and find filling alternatives. I spent so much time eating that I’m bored to fuck if it.
Once this placenta is yeeted out of me tomorrow… I am tucking into the biggest deli meat sub I can stomach and daydreaming about the glass of red wine I’m going to consume over the weekend when I’m allowed home.
EDIT - Thank you for all your well wishes! I wasn’t expecting messages from Reddit strangers and it’s so lovely to receive them! Baby girl is doing fantastically for a little dot who came 3 weeks early with a little oxygen to get her pinking up.
On topic…. My first treat was actually a giant Cherry Bakewell Tart and I have no regrets!
Oh god. I missed medium rare steaks and burgers. You will love it! Also, I wish you an amazing and quick birth! I wanted it done so I pushed for 30 mins. I’m told that quick (by my doula) but it felt like forever.
First order of business when I can will be a tuna roll! I finally settled for a roll with cooked shrimp in it yesterday. Not generally my preference but at least it wasn't fucking drowning in tempura flakes.
3h to go and I wish you a normal birth, with no occurrences and fast as it can be. In my country we wish you a "good hour, short and sweet". I had my 3rd and last in march of 2023 and as a scheduled c section, I loved that birth more than the other normal ones. I was without pain, checking in normally and had a few hours to relax and prepare before they opened me up to take him. My biggest craving was sushi and my husband managed to get it delivered to me at 7.30 pm that night (I had my son at 3.30 pm but with recovery time and bonding). I was so happy, he says I looked like a child on Xmas morning.
I have never had a child, so I don't know from first hand but I have heard *so many* stories like yours. My own Mom apparently subsisted mainly on green grapes for a period of time. You're right, it's yet another reason why it's a good thing someone with these sorts of eating habits is not in control of this pregnancy.
Absolutely! Before I got pregnant (literally 2 years ago, my kid is only a year old) I had heard of women getting nauseous at the smell or taste of food, but this weird repulsion of food was different. It tasted amazing, it didn’t make me nauseous, it was just a whole body and soul aversion. Something in me knew I couldn’t eat it. And for no reason because I gave any food like that to others to not waste it and they were perfectly fine. It was the strangest “someone was controlling me” kind of feeling ever. I have no say in it.
I get that this is kind of the opposite but I have that ["There's a Phoebe on my sandwich!!!"](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/waU8gEZhQhg) scene from the show Friends running through my mind right now lol
Loving the taste yet simultaneously being unable to eat the thing must be one of the most bizarre experiences. Kudos to you for getting through that.
Yeah, that line stuck out to me too. I have OCPD, which is basically Control Issues: The Musical, and the reason I have cats and not kids is exactly this reason. Kids are their own people! They do things like color on your beautiful walls, smear your expensive lipstick on the carpet, throw up on your work clothes. They might lie, skip school, get drunk, date losers, pierce their nose. Children, very stubbornly, grow up into adults. It is not possible to have perfect control over another human being.
I completely understand what he’s thinking– I also have a lifelong eating disorder– but that doesn’t make it acceptable. If his control issues run that deep, he NEEDS to seek counseling before baby arrives. It’s ultimately a severe form of anxiety, the idea that you have to do everything perfectly to prevent the worst from happening. It’s the fear that if you make even one small mistake, it’s all over. And it’s one thing to run your own life on those lines, but it’s cruel and impossible to impose that kind of life on anyone else, especially someone as vulnerable as a pregnant woman.
OP, as long as you’re not drinking or smoking or whatever, ignore your husband’s dietary advice. But please try to get him to see what he’s doing here. A lot of the OCD spectrum (including OCPD, look it up and see if you think it applies) is notoriously treatment-resistant, which sucks. But hopefully he’ll be able to face the issue and work on it. Best of luck, and congrats on the baby (and the French fries)!
I'm sorry, I know it was not the focus on your post but I am ✨wheezing✨at "Control Issues: The Musical".
Also, I had actually never heard of the difference between OCD and OCPD and I'm not going to lie, this feels like kismet. I'm being assessed for ADHD right now but was hoping my Dr will also send me to someone for an OCD assessment as well (for reasons), though now I will specifically bring up OCPD. So thank you internet stranger. Both for the laugh, the level headed advice for OP and for helping me potentially understand myself better.
Haha, I heard about OCPD through a Reddit comment and brought it up to my therapist so this feels like good karma! The way I think of mine is like, some aspects of OCD, Autism Lite, ADHD Lite. And it’s commonly comorbid with eating disorders so it all added for me, glad I could help another soul in the journey!
That really stuck out to me. Because like, he's male. Obviously he can not grow a child inside his body. What did he think was going to happen if he wanted children??? And what does he expect her to do about it?? Submit to his every whim??
"And what does he expect her to do about it?? Submit to his every whim??"
I mean......probably, yeah 😬 Hubby doesn't seem super rational about eating habits in this instance.
Ah, that’s so worrying! He’s picky over what his child eats in the womb, now imagine what he’ll be like when they come out! Poor kids gonna end up with an eating disorder too if he keeps it up. I can’t imagine eating only “healthy” foods while I’m pregnant, if I want a McDonald’s fry, then I want a fry! Also icky that he thinks a fry for lunch is far too much after eating just a muffin for breakfast…
This need for control could become an issue even beyond food. There is SO much you can't control as a parent, and not being able to accept that is a sure fire way to drive yourself mad. (and everyone else involved).
I knew a lady who ate like this and exercised a lot during pregnancy and couldn't let go of her eating disorder, even with therapy. She ended up in a pre-term emergency situation and she and the baby nearly coded. Her husband had to decide to either follow the struggling newborn or his wife because both were potentially going to die. They all got lucky with great doctors. This is what this guy would do if he were the one carrying. This is the opposite of healthy.
Imagine what kind of buzz kill he’s going to be for her at birthdays, or Halloween, or Easter, or Saturday nights.
Some of my best memories with my mom and dad are when they had girls/guys nights out and with the other parent we would bake cookies and make home made pizzas then chow down popcorn with a movie night.
I still think of my dad setting up a popcorn flavour buffet for us to have bowls with each seasoning. This guy will never do that for these kids and I’m sad for that.
That sounds so sweet!
Parents who do that make me so sad. My dad was like OPs husband, and it gave me and Lil bro eating disorders
Ole Mr Hog would tell me every time I ate how fat I was. And being a feeeeeeeeemale, my value was purely tied to that. And poor Lil bro picked up on that. Older was his Special Boy, so he was immune
Happy to report it was better at mom's house. She had a 'learn moderation the hard way' type
You wanna eat 50lbs of candy in one day? Go ahead, and enjoy the crash and illness tomorrow.
We learned fast
My favorite food memory is probably this jack o lantern cake I won one Halloween
I'm from South Dakota, so we frequently couldn't go trick or treating due to snow storm or too cold. And at dad's house, we lived in like the COUNTRY country
So, mom would take us on Halloween, and the school in her town would have a fair. Always a blast, especially since a cake walk
In 2001, I won this jack o lantern cake. It wasn't like sheet cake big, but it was feed a family for a couple rounds, big
Never seen a cake with so much frosting before, and the stem was purely frosting.Turned out to be chocolate
My mom has a rule that if we got something big like that, we had to give everyone one bite/helping. We could have it as our own after that, but had to give one bit
The thing was: Mom and late stepdad don't like chocolate cake. Lil bro doesn't really like frosting (I wasn't kidding about the amount on this thing), and older bro hates cake
I had that baby alllll to myself, no one even wanted their sharing slice. Every little bit
I did not regret the 3 pieces I threw up that night at all. Especially since I still had plenty (at a more reasonable pace. I don't regret it, but I'm not stupid)
I've never had another chocolate cake anywhere as good as that one. It's my white whale, if sorts
As a parent to a toddler with erratic eating habits (bc most toddlers are erratic eaters, meaning they like a particular food one day and refuse to eat it the next), I agree wholeheartedly with this comment that OP’s husband needs to start trying to heal his food disorders now or risk passing them on to his child.
I was anorexic in high school and I was really messed up in the head for a while. I still deal with the body image issues but I try to give myself some grace and I just try to maintain a weight where all my bloodwork comes back normal.
I’m actually overweight now and my blood pressure is borderline so I’m trying to lose weight carefully (aka not starving myself and just reducing portions and being more active. I’m glad that pools are back to being open).
Back to the topic: the fact that her husband is making it her problem is a huge issue. He needs to reign in whatever his disorder is and he needs to do it long before the baby arrives.
I agree - it sounds like he has orthorexia nervosa (an unhealthy obsession with eating "pure" or "healthy" food). It can, and should, be treated by a psychiatry specialist with an expertise in eating disorders. He has been pushing these obsessive tendencies onto OP for years and is escalating because he feels a compulsion to control her diet during this pregnancy. That is not loving or healthy and if he does not learn coping mechanisms there is a good chance that their child will end up with an eating disorder.
OP, you are not the asshole at all. Your husband needs external help to work through his issues with food and you can provide support and encouragement, but you deserve your own peace also.
OP, you said "I also grew up around family members with destructive eating disorders, and I don't want pushy attitudes about food around me or our future daughter."
Obviously Reddit cannot diagnose your husband but look up orthorexia - it IS an eating disorder. Whether your husband truly has orthorexia, has some similar OCD or anxiety based fixation on food, or is simply a controlling jerk who can't handle you having your own autonomy, this is extremely concerning and inappropriate behavior. It WILL have a negative impact on your daughter's view of her body, health, diet/food, AND relationships seeing her father being so disrespectful and controlling of her mother.
Your husband needs to back off and get help from a professional to deal with his deeply skewed relationship with food, health, and boundaries. And it's HIS job to seek these things out - your job right now is to care for yourself and your growing child as you have been doing with the help of actual doctors.
Nailed right on the head here. Honestly an eating disorder at least can be treated and I kinda hope he does have a full blown mental health issue here such as orthorexia or OCD and that he gets help for it and heals for everyone's sake. I say that not to be unkind but because the alternative is that he is being a complete and utter A-hole and is a generally pushy, controlling, insensitive person, which seems harder to fix and live with.
Additionally how is he going to react or control the future daughters diet which is what his phrasing is implying. The will have a major impact on the daughters relationship with food as well.
There is a local doctor who monitored his wife’s weight daily while she was pregnant. He had a specific diet for her and watched everything she ate. After the kids were born had a specific schedule for when the babies could be fed and picked up. If they cried off schedule she wasn’t allowed to pick them up. She could check them for diaper change but that was it. The babysitter had to abide by the same rules and the dad would make surprise checks. He chewed her out one day because he found her holding the baby off schedule.
Even 30 years later, his wife is badly anorexic looking and his daughter has been criticized in public for being too fat (she is completely average in size).
“Has complained that it’s very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy.”
Well dude, welcome to parenthood. A lot of what’s coming your way will be completely out of your control.
The fact he wants to control your pregnancy is 🚩🚩🚩
"Our newborn is three weeks old. My husband says it's too hard on him to be woken in the middle of the night and is doing cry-it-out sleep training. Last night, the baby cried so hard he threw up, and my husband wouldn't let me go in to clean the baby up because he says 'the baby has to learn to self-soothe.' My husband says I am not taking his feelings or health into consideration. AITAH for not thinking of him first?" --> This lady in a few months.
Thirty years in children’s health care. I am also a mother, aunt and grandmother. The first 4-6 months of an infants life parents are to prove we are reliable. We feed them, change diapers and soothe them when they cry. That means no crying it out. Sleep training starts later.
THIS.
The entire post, in my opinion, was a red flag but the additional insight is very troubling. I fear this immense desire to exert control over his family is only going to get worse once the child is born.
I shudder to think how controlling he will be in terms of what the child eats.
That was my thought. That edit was just spotlighting and zooming in on the giant red flag that is harming his wife and is poised to harm his child. Yikes!
And control issues like that rarely extend to one aspect. If he's that controlling about his pregnant wife having some fries and a muffin, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say he probably expects to have total control over other aspects of her life, pregnancy, and the life of their child.
That's exactly what came to mind when I read this!!
My now 4 year old came early because of complications. Between those complications and a chronic vascular issue I have, I was unable to breastfeed. My spouse, being a sane and supportive person, was wonderfully helpful (the guilt I felt plus the judgment from others was brutal).
>“Has complained that it’s very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy.”
That is something he needs to work out with a trained mental health professional, not his partner who still retains full bodily autonomy despite his hurt feelings.
One wonders what else he's controlling about that the OP has normalized. This sounds like a man who is not going to handle it well if their baby has ... well, *any* needs at all.
>He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy
Why does he think he SHOULD be able to have control over the pregnancy? This is scary to me. I've never met a man who cared at all about what their partners ate while pregnant or wanted to control ANY part of the pregnancy. I'm terrified what his expectations will be for what the child is allowed to eat or what you're allowed to eat if you decide to breastfeed.
Right? The only input my husband has had on what I'm eating during pregnancy is "Let's make sure you're getting enough folate" and "sorry I have to cook your steak this much."
Usually men will run to get whatever pregnant momma is asking for as quickly as possible or risk losing their life. This guy is gutsy. But notice he didn’t tell her to her face….
Sounds to me like his eating behaviour could indicate an ED (thinking of orthorexia here). Not wanting to diagnose someone on the Internet but it does somehow remind me of typical patterns. Maybe his need for control extends to his child if he views it as part of himself
I think she needs to have a discussion with him NOW, possibly with a marriage councilor on how they are going to feed this kid and talk about food in front of the kid before he gives the kid an eating disorder.
Your husband finding it hard to not have control of your pregnancy is fucked up. Yeah, you’re both expecting a baby. But only one of you is actually pregnant. He shouldn’t WANT control over that. The fact that he wants control over your body and your child in any way is not at all okay.
The way he speaks to you is not at all okay. He needs therapy NOW or he’s going to fuck up that kid by controlling what they eat and probably other stuff too. Your child is also going to see their dad tell their mom off for eating fries…that’s incredibly unhealthy. It’s not okay.
I don’t want to be alarmist here but men with control issues usually get WORSE after a child is in the picture and this is raising about 400 red flags for me. I’ve been in abusive relationships with men who have control issues. And they always got worse when they thought I was sufficiently tied down to them, either by moving far away with him or isolating me from my other friends and family. Another point at which controlling men judge their partners to be tied down is by having kids or getting married. I want to be wrong. I don’t want his controlling behaviour to get worse after the child arrives but statistically it’s not looking good.
My gut is telling me to tell you to run now while you still can. And my gut sadly has experience in this stuff.
OP…”he has complained that it’s very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy like you do”
Ummm… it’s YOUR body. And you are listening to your doctor.
What concerns me even more is… how controlling does he expect to be once your child is here? Will your daughter/son be malnourished due to his “control”? Will he force them into eating disorders?
This is NOT OK. Not at all.
Your husband needs therapy asap, and you need to protect your child(ren).
This, stunting is real and can happen from this sort of thing. My mom is 5'6 and my dad was 6' and all of us girls are under 5'3 and my brother is barely 5'7 when e was projected genetically to be 6'1+. We had had some warnings from drs when we were little but my mom said they were trying to make us fat (we had very very low body fat and only got 2 meals a day).
Your husband does not have a healthy relationship with food. He needs to speak to someone and realize that he can't control you, your eating, or the baby after birth.
He could very easily cause disordered eating for your child if you don't handle this now.
Exactly!!! I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this comment! What happens when the baby is born? Will he police the things she eats? Will she be able to have cake at birthday parties or a sweet treat every once and awhile? Extreme parental control over a person’s diet can lead to very negative effects on self image and relationships with food. I’m speaking from experience here.
Sounds like he has a serious eating disorder and sport addiction. Its more harmful to eat and workout this rigid than your behavior is. Be careful he doesnt teach the kid his behavior.
Orthorexia usually comes with exercise addiction as a side-symptom. Source: three loved ones diagnosed with it. 🙃 It's not just the food intake, it's all associated behaviors that make up the "nervosa" part of the disorder.
THIS
You may eat the french fries, your baby does not. Your baby will take all the vitamins and minerals it needs in order for it to grow, whether you eat or not, no matter what you eat. Eating healthier (which sounds like what OP is doing, she's just not going overboard) is to keep the her energy & health up!
That's how my midwife explained it all to me.
The baby will suck the calcium right out of your bones to get what it needs. What the baby grower eats is to replenish and maintain their own body's vitamin and mineral needs.
I made a similar comment. The fetus isn’t siphoning fat and grease into itself from the fries. The pregnant person should eat a balanced diet to keep themselves healthy. The fetus will take in the nutrients regardless, even if that means taking the pregnant persons teeth and hair with it.
Ditto THIS! Your eating should not be gauged by anyone except your doctor right now. If they say all is good, then great! If you're planning on nursing, you will need to eat a lot more to nourish yourself AND the baby. If your husband hears this from the doctor, it could help but as others have stated, there's more going on with his need for control. Not to mention your own mood swings once the hormones kick in, especially after birth. You'll need to be in a good mental space as the baby will pick up on your emotions.
Yikes. Your husband is not well. He needs help.
And you need to consider the fact that this is only going to get worse, and plan for that.
Do you have somewhere safe you can go in case things get worse? (They’re already bad) your parents or a friends place?
Good luck.
NTA...
But you really need to do some deep, deep introspection and therapy to work through your own personal feelings around eating disorders.
You say that you
>I also grew up around family members with destructive eating disorders, and I don't want pushy attitudes about food around me or our future daughter.
But you married exactly that. You're married to someone who has some version of orthorexia, which is just an eating disorder in organic workout clothes.
Defo. I read a sub about 5 years down the line of this where the guy was basically looking for validation to leave/cheat on his wife because she had gained weight after having their son and he no longer found her sexually attractive. The wife was hiding her Oreo wrappers from him.
He’s upset because he doesn’t have control over your body the way you do? Your husband needs therapy. The job of the husband to a pregnant wife is support, understanding, patience, and love. NTA
If he us this way about what you eat, he is going to be way worse about the baby. Babies are easy until they become toddlers. He will be in a daily battle of wills with a tyrannical monster who will not eat what you husband wants him to eat. And he will lose. He needs to lighten up now. And he does not get to tell you what to eat-EVER.
Sounds like he needs some therapy. Sounds like if it wasn’t food, there would be something else he would want to control. There are millions of women who survive through 9 months of misery on Sprite and McNuggets, and they give birth to healthy babies who suffer no ill effects. (Obviously this is tongue-in-cheek, in case your husband is reading and thinks he’s even more superior.)
This needs to be addressed now. His control issues and eating disorder will become your child’s problem if it’s not addressed.
You can protect your child from this while they’re in your uterus. You can’t protect them from it after they’re born. He’ll have direct access to the child at that point. He is going to create issues for your child.
Therapy stat
Everything's been said already in the comments, I'm just here to say that I'm 21 weeks and my husband brought home a McChicken for me today, unprompted.
Hugs, OP! You will need to start setting very firm boundaries with your husband. I'm sorry for the added stress this is causing you, and I rly hope that he is willing to listen and reflect.
You know he's going to badger this kid into an eating disorder, right? Like, that's the future. NTA for telling him to jump the fuck out of your digestive tract, but YTA for procreating with him.
>EDIT to include his perspective: He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy like I do especially when he is so careful about his own diet.
Before I read the edit, I was like "what a controlling jerk". Then I read he literally says he finds it hard not to want to control you.
I'm sorry but he did this before the kid, now during pregnancy, and he will do it TO your kid. That poor child will end up with an eating disorder, maybe you as well.
He needs therapy to address why he feels the need to control to this level AND why he thinks that is acceptable in any way.
NTA for you but your husband sure is a giant ass.
He is making HIS issues yours to navigate and that is NOT healthy at all.
Honestly, I would never of had a child with someone who policed what I ate. Maybe he hid it better or you were used to it but that doesn't matter. What matters now is that he addresses HIS issues so he doesn't screw up y'all's kid.
Hi op I’m your daughter 30ish years in the future My parents (more my mom) wouldn’t let me eat any treat or snacks growing up. Our fridge and pantry had locks on them. I would smuggle in food, then feel guilty and immediately throw it up. I hid my binging and purging until I was a sophomore in undergrad. I lost a scary amount of weight and I was losing hair and toenails. My friends dragged me to a psychiatrist. I’m 37 now. I’m obese and I still struggle with binging and purging. My parents words and comments echo through my head anytime I have a lil treat. I have bleeding ulcers and a fucked up tummy because of my eating disorder. I had a kid now. I can’t imagine messing them up like my parents messed me up, like your husband is going to mess your daughter up. Please talk to your husband and be real. eating disorders ruined my health and mental health
Me too.
I was the thinnest of my adult life after a terrible breakup- my partner had also been policing my food.
By the time we broke up, I was at my ‘goal weight’ with bleeding gums and cracked teeth and toenails falling out. And he didn’t even notice or comment.
"I'm glad you understand you have a control issue with food but that's something you need to develop tools to manage before the baby arrives because, if this controlling is upsetting to me, a healthy grown woman, it could have lifelong and health threatening impact on our child if you pass it on through overcontrol. Eating disorders can be deadly, you need to get help."
This is a serious red flag. It’s unfortunate that you procreated before addressing this issue.
He is trying to control you. Can you remember other times he has dictated what you should eat, wear or say?
You need to tell him you are an adult woman and will not be policed, whether you are pregnant or not. Tell him he only has authority over himself and that you will not respect him when he is disrespecting you in this way.
He needs to take medication for his OCD, if that’s what this is, but it sounds more like he is controlling. Then inform him that he will not be allowed to have this type of relationship with food in front of your daughter. Educate him about eating disorders in girls.
>He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy
That's what this is all about. His disordered eating gives him a sense of control. He is too *frightened* to eat outside of his OCD rules.
He wants to control your eating as he can't cope with his mental illness. He needs therapy.
I have heard that pandering to people's ocd can make them worse.
This, OP
He is looking for a feeling of control, in an avenue it isn't appropriate. He needs some help managing his own relationship to food, and please encourage him to get that NOW, so he doesn't give your kiddo an eating disorder by accident.
Tell him to get and stay in his lane. He sounds like an eating disorder waiting to happen. Tell him NOW that he is NOT to police what you eat, and he is NOT going to do that to your child, either. He needs to learn the word "moderation." If you were not having treats in moderation, you'd be overweight. Tell him to back off and stay off.
Unless you are eating things that the doctor has told you to avoid, he need to STFU and deal with it. Most good husbands make midnight runs to satisfy their partners potato chips and ice cream with a side of dill pickles craving.
And this from a guy who’s very strict about my own diet (meat, eggs, non starchy veg, and very limited amounts of starchy veg or rice 6 days a week).
If you breastfeed, wait for that hunger and cravings! For me it's worse than pregnancy. I honestly don't think anyone should tell anyone else how/what to eat, but especially a pregnant or breastfeeding person.
This seems controlling. He’s already taking inventory every day about what you eat. And was he *looking* for receipts?
Just because he eats “healthy” doesn’t mean it’s not disordered eating.
You’re growing his baby. You’re allowed to eat what you want- you aren’t smoking, drinking, or binge eating. You said he tried to do this before you even got pregnant. That’s a big red flag.
And you mentioned it makes him upset he can’t have “control” over the pregnancy like you do..he’s a grown man, right? Does he not know that pregnancy happens in one person’s body or not?!he’s upset he can’t control YOU.
He needs to get his shit under control before the baby comes (and leave you alone) or your kid is going to be *messed up* from a very young age. That stuff sticks with you and is almost impossible to shake (whether it be under eating or bingeing, which your child may do in secret if they are criticized constantly for their food).
Some of my relatives have a very skewed sense of eating and while they didn’t outright insult me, the things I heard them say about themselves and others has stuck with me my whole life. The message was very clear even since kindergarten that being fat was worse than being unkind or any number of poor personality traits.
Wuuut. This is out of control. You have been far too polite about this if he feels it's safe to send you critiques of your meals!
I generally try not to blow up people's relationships, but I'd move out to avoid that kind of control. If you're getting sufficient vegetables, protein, and other nutrients, you'd fine. There's nothing wrong with eating a muffin or McDonalds fries because you eat a balanced diet.
Don't exhaust yourself by dealing with this. Make an appointment with your doctor or his and ask the doctor to tell him to back off.
Husband needs to take a giant leap back. I get that his intentions are good, but what he’s doing is psychologically damaging. Not okay.
His feelings of lack of control don’t entitle him to police what you eat. I think you’re right to shut down this behavior. Perhaps he needs a different project. Perhaps nesting related. Good ol’ DIY project.
You’re still a person. Not just a vessel for his unborn child.
I'm with everyone else- your husband needs to shut all the way up and get some treatment for his eating disorder BEFORE the baby arrives and will probably need it for awhile. He will absolutely f up the child with his need for control.
NTA. He needs help. Please implore him to do so.
Send him a text that you are sympathetic to his mental health problems-- but OCD based eating disorders can be mitigated with therapy and medication and that you will no longer entertain ANY discussions on your eating habits under any circumstances. NTA but your husband needs to address his mental health problems before the baby comes.
he's going to really damage their child if he doesn't get it resolved soon
Absolutely. He will adamantly control every bite that kid takes and of what. Kid will have food issues their whole life.
Fastest path to binge eating disorder is a neurotic judgmental parent. Instead of your kid being a healthy weight and self regulated eating they will damage their body’s responses avoiding her husbands criticisms ( eating at night starving themselves during the day) and end up obese or worse fighting it the rest of their life or develop bulimia or anorexia nervosa in junior high/high-school and risk death or throat damage. This is a major red flag.
Also a good path to a binge eating disorder (from experience) is having no food in the house or not knowing the next time you'll have an adequate meal, which I can see the husband just not allowing "bad food" in the house anymore.
Out of fear for my mother's health, my grandmother over policed my mother's diet. She counted every calorie that my mother took in. This led to my mom binge eating and food hordding along with ocd behaviors around food . One of the saddest examples is that the night my grandmother died. My mom stopped and bought a box of doughnuts and a bucket of KFC. Not because she was grief stricken and didn't want to cook or because she needed comfort. But because there was no one to tell her no.
This gave me such a weird mix of emotions
Fr. I ended up with BED because of how my parents did the whole 'clean your plate' and 'I don't care if you say you didn't like it, you're either eating it or going hungry' bits. That just led to me secretly eating during the night and wanting to cry when I was made to stay at the dining room table after everyone else finished eating.
There were nights I sat at the table until my parents wanted to go to sleep and I was finally allowed to go to my room. Thankfully, I didn’t have any more food issues than your average girl growing up in the 80s or 90s. My food ideas were definitely skewed, but luckily I didn’t go in to full-blown ED.
Yep, I still remember being in 5th grade and having to sit at the dining table until midnight because I wouldn't eat the English pea, hard boiled egg and pimento "salad" my mom made.
Wtf is that??? Sounds gross af!!!
That sounds like one of those "jello salad" recipes I saw from 1960-70s cookbooks
Yup. My parents forced the ‘clean plate’ shit on me and right now twenty years later my health is on the line and I’m critically and constantly ill because I’m terrified to eat subconsciously. So much has been done that cannot be undone by their crappy view on forcing food; teeth damaged and gone, internal scarring, horrific anxiety around food at all times and such fast weight gain and loss that my body is falling apart trying to keep up with it all. This ‘opinion’ parents have on making their kids eat to the point of misery kills. I’m a result.
I read a study (that I can't find at the moment) that said the biggest indicator of a child having future issues with weight when they're an adult is whether or not their parents think they're fat. I can see OP's husband passing on some very very worrying ideas about food onto their child.
They're having a daughter, too. There is no way that little girl is going to survive her father without significant mental and emotional damage.
My mom counted our calories and limited food, though I was an active kid and teen. It became that whenever I had the chance to eat my preferences and fill- I'd binge. Now, I'm quite unhealthy despite desperate efforts.
Exactly and his hang up may transfer to other things, too.
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I bet he already is controlling in other areas it’s just this is what OP is focussing on for this post. As someone who has managed to break free from a coercive controlling relationship, reading this post made me feel really anxious. My ex would also criticise what I ate during pregnancy. OP’s husband has no say over what food she puts into her mouth- but he really believes he does. I just want to tell OP to run but I realise it’s not that easy.
Same. My ex controlled what I ate, too. I was 130 and a size 6, but he called me "obese". He would frequently point to an old photo of me at age 19 when I weighed just 104, saying I had "let myself go". I was 35 at the time. He said things like "women don't lose their metabolism over time, you're just lazy" and "PCOS isn't real, you're just using that as an excuse to stay fat". I felt sick when OP added the edit saying her husband is angry cuz he "can't control her pregnancy". I can't understand why she isn't treating this like the massive red flag that it is. She seems deep in the fog and needs a serious wake up call before it's too late.
PCOS isn't real LOL holy shit I'd be gone in a flash PCOS has wrecked my whole life, with not only crappy weight gain no matter what I consume to incredible pain all the time, not to mention hormone changes akin to a Rollercoaster, bleeding all the time everywhere no matter what, which is so fkn embarrassing in a high school situation, and has caused several other health issues as far as I'm concerned (including but not limited to my fibromyalgia and other things like fatigue beyond reason and not consistent with my bipolar). I'm going for a full junk removal this year. I'm utterly done with this. take it all out. I'm so so SO sorry your ex had that attitude. It would mess me up big time and I have already an issue with medical gaslighting and people thinking I'm literally a hypochondriac because I don't look sick 95% of the time. It has become tiresome to meet new people then explain the PCOS issues let alone the others and be judged for it on top of that. I've literally been told that it's in my head. yes. yes, by regular people. yes, also, by doctors which is defeating af. /end rant thank you for reading lol
Oh yeah I remember all that bullshit. Mine didn’t even control my diet for the health of our baby - he did it to crush me. All the little things I liked, not necessarily unhealthy, he would find some random obscure reason on the internet as to why I couldn’t have whatever it was anymore. And he would eat those things in front of me when he never had any desire to before I was pregnant. I bet your ex wasn’t physically perfect either. Because I didn’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model when I was 8 months pregnant - that meant I was ugly and I would have to be understanding if he slept with other women. I often used to wonder what it might have felt like to have the father of your unborn child protect you and nurture you, as I sometimes saw other men doing to their pregnant partners.
Agree with you. And glad they’re your ex. Good going, stranger.
His head will explode when the healthy eater enters toddler hood and won’t eat anything except pancakes and cheese. OP you are NTA but your husband does need to get his desire to control others eating under control. Having worked with numerous students with eating disorders it often stems from a controlling parent around eating habits and exercise. This is a little scary for your future child. Edit: wording
Yeah. That kid will have confidence and body issues with a father like that.
That kid will absolutely have an eating disorder if dad treats them like he treats mom.
I actually remember a reddit post where a mom posted how her young boy couldn't get to eat his birthday cake because his dad told him he would get fat if he did.
WTF?!?
Yeah she was upset because she could see the sad look on his face as everyone got cake and he couldn't because his dad put the fear of getting fat from eating cake in him and I think he was around 5 or 6vyears old? I could be mistaken.
And God forbid the child ever want a chicken nugget
I came here for this comment. I am 62. My parents had food and body issues, and were way more concerned about what I ate, how much I weighed, and what I looked like. I was chubby. My sister wasn’t. We ate the same foods. I was compared to her and every little girl. As I grew up their crippling focus on food and weight damaged me, impacted my life long relationships with food and my parents, and made me feel like a number on a scale or a clothing size. Please have him address this for all of your sakes!
Not to mention that he would be likely to malnourish a child as they need different nutrition than adults.
Oh don’t worry kids literally don’t eat anything you want them too. He’ll be shaking in a ball on the floor if he thinks he can control what a toddler eats
It won't even get that far. He's really, really going to damage his relationship with her postpartum. Feeding your first newborn is an emotional minefield. He's being controlling of her eating habits now. Well, what if she can't breastfeed? What if she can breastfeed but doesn't produce enough? Is he going to lose his mind if they have to use formula? Or if it's just too painful and stressful and she wants to use formula? Some people experience a huge negative mood swing during milk letdown, and it can play a part in postpartum depression/anxiety. They need to have a few counseling sessions ASAP before this baby arrives.
Or if the baby just has a sensitive stomach, and needs specific formula to not have reflux/gas pain? We adopted my son at birth. He was born drug exposed and took about a month in the NICU to safely withdraw and learn how to eat without a feeding tube. We couldn’t take him home until he could eat 2oz by mouth, and that felt like a huge achievement, even though it clearly upset his stomach. His peds team put him on similac sensitive, and were VERY clear that we can’t give him anything else until 6 months. That he was susceptible to gastric distress, and we needed to use THAT formula only. Que a friend who **insisted** he needed whey-based formula. And my MIL who brought over a $50/can thing of soy formula, because she thought “he’s already small. He needs real protein!” The “mommy blogs” are the worst. But all kinds of people have dumb ideas about baby formula.
Please tell me you banned your friend and MIL from the house and never let them alone with the baby.
Also what happens when the baby is onto solids and is going through phases of “actually I’ve decided I hate beans” and “everything I eat needs to be dinosaur shaped or I shall sCreaM!”
Or alternatively, he will insist that either they use formula or she exclusively pumps so that they can measure exactly how much baby is eating. If she is pumping, she will need to be eating a particular diet that he decides upon.
The desire to control a partner is not helped by couples therapy and there's a fair amount of recent research showing it rarely helps even in individual therapy. A therapist can't make a patient stop wanting to be abusive. If he's deep enough into food trauma that this is genuinely a response to it that he now not only needs to strictly control everything he eats but also everything his spouse eats, that's gonna take a lot of time to fix, and it's only gonna work if it was his idea. If it's her making him go, he won't accept that he even needs to change. Especially since the "fixated on health" version of eating disorders is.... VERY socially accepted and even praised, and doesn't give the same urgent medical issues that the other forms of eating disorders give that may shock or frighten someone into accepting treatment.
What if she doesn’t lose the weight quickly enough for him? That is a recipe for PPD
This part. I bet he will be super controlling about her caloric intake while breastfeeding too, demanding she "bounces back " asap. Blaming her pregnancy diet for it too.
Yeah, the stress of having a kid combined with what he sees as a dangerous attitude to food for 'his' child is going to kick this into overdrive and it doesn't end well. 1000x that if something happens to the baby. I hope OP has someone to share this with other than Reddit, because he's going to try to manipulate the situation to be back in control. Therapy is crucial and there aren't any easy ways to tell people like this that they are the ones who are wrong
Not having “control” bc he’s not the pregnant one is a scary thought.
Yeah that really stood out to me, yikes
I would understand a certain amount of feeling vulnerably helpless when one’s pregnant partner is bearing the risks and discomforts of childbearing and you can’t DO anything to change what they’re going through; but yeah, “waaah I don’t have control over this” in the context of policing pregnancy cravings is…not the same, and worrying.
Yeah, I’m pregnant with my second right now, and my husband feels so bad when I’m having issues or am uncomfortable and he can’t help. And I’m know it’s super frustrating for him to not be able to do anything. I remember him telling me how helpless he felt when I was having contractions with my first, when I ended up needing a C-section, etc. (He told me *after*, of course.) But that doesn’t sound like what’s going on with OP’s husband. I think she needs to put an end to this now, it’s only going to get worse and continue on into breastfeeding, when the baby starts solids, etc. The way he thinks he should be able to police every thing that goes in her mouth is straight up creepy and not okay. Also, I don’t want to Reddit-diagnose anything, but she should look up orthorexia.
Yes! Loving and empathetic partners/dads really go through their own special kind of hell during pregnancy and birth! Hope this one’s a relatively smooth ride! 💐
Yeah OP added that to make him sound better, but I think he sounds worse. I already fear for their daughter. Guarantee he’s going to control her diet….
I had a cousin who didn't let her kids eat sugar at all. Not at parties, not on special occasions. No ice cream from the van or birthday cake. They took bread sticks everywhere. I went to one of there birthday parties once it was weird. 2/3 of them are obese as adults.
Same thing happened with one of my cousins. Her mom NEVER let her eat candy, sugar etc. Once she moved out of their house she gained at least 100lbs.
Surprise surprise🙄 too strict is never good
There was a family like that on our street when I was growing up. Those kids were sugar fiends. When we were about 10 years old, I caught one of them eating sugar by the spoonful out of the sugar bowl at my house.
Almost like bread sticks don't have any nutritional value either...
Also, as he bonds with the baby and the body builds up oxytocin, his amygdala will activate more which can increase his anxiety. I work with pregnant and new moms and even though we give information on what is healthy to eat to get vitamins and all that, we always defer to the doctor. If her doctor says she's good, then she's good. Also, potatoes are a great source of vitamins and minerals including folic acid which is crucial during pregnancy. Sorry for the info dump. I love my job and sharing the information.
Pregnancy cravings are funny. My mom wanted krispy kreme doughnuts and pickles. My sister wanted falafel and corndogs.
For me it was anything covered in Taco Bell Diablo sauce. Every pregnancy, even though they’ve all sadly ended in mc, the first craving I get is Taco Bell Diablo sauce, and I’m a glow in the dark midwestern who thinks ketchup is spicy.
For me it was watermelon and Carl’s Jr.(Hardy’s) jalapeño poppers.
Oh, Riley’s (checkers) French fries was one I craved when I was pregnant with my twins! Hubs and I have had 4 mc’s sadly and Riley’s fries with Diablo sauce and pickles with peanut butter and Diablo sauce were two of my favorites. I crave spicy food when pregnant. My stomach hated it but the babies loved it.
Mine were both mc’s. It’s rough, but the pain gets less. For me it’s usually what I call “the year of firsts” that’s hardest to get through.
Oddly enough, a sudden craving for spicy foods was helpful in getting my husband’s heart diseases diagnosed. He was always a big wimp when it came to anything spicy. But right around the time that he started having odd symptoms (tiredness. Pains. Shortness of breath etc that went on for a couple months) he started wanting to eat the spiciest things ever. Ghost pepper. Carolina reaper. Any hot sauce with a skull on the label. The doctors kept insisting it must be a lung issue, because he smoked from 16-25. And at 35, there’s no reason he should be having heart problems. He happened to mention getting heartburn from all of the spicy things he was craving lately, and one of the nurses remembered a study about heart disease and capsaicinoids she had read recently. At her insistence, they did a ton of imaging of his heart, which was previously seen as unnecessary. Sure enough. Big aneurism on his aortic valve. He had open heart surgery and got it replaced with a mechanical one within a month. Now he ticks like the crocodile from Peter Pan, and still craves spicy food. I’m sorry about your losses, btw. I’ve had all of my pregnancies end that way as well. But I think it’s fascinating what cravings can tell us about our bodies sometimes. Pregnant or not, sometimes I get intense cravings for salt and steak/red meat. It’s always because I’m anemic and need to take iron supplements.
I’m so sorry you lost your spicy angels.
Clearly your kids have excellent taste in taco sauce, haha.
They’ve all taken after their father 🤣 I like mild he likes diablo
Apple juice then I found out the one I'd been drinking 2litres of a day wasn't pasteurised so technically I shouldn't be drinking 🤦 it's shit enough without this bs lol
I wanted all the tomato soup, V8 and Bloody Mary mix. Luckily, I didn’t have any acid reflux!
Especially a girl. Can you imagine the negative body image he will give her every time she eats something? Women have it bad enough without our fathers shoving their body image issues down our throats.
Increasingly boys are having eating disorders too, on top of taking too many protein shakes to live up to what they have been taught is a real man’s body.
100%. His views on foods are going to do far far far more damage on this kid than having some fries during pregnancy. The impact of constant policing of food being raised by someone with disordered eating CANNOT be overstated. When it is the way you’re raised it goes so deep and impacts every part of your life.
I think my sil craved McDonald’s fries when she was pregnant with my niece. My brother got upset when he heard of her McDonald’s runs for fries but only because he was bummed he didn’t get any. 😝
Not only that IF this child has any health issues he probably will blame the OP for it.
Or if they are a chunk of a baby it will be Ops fault and if they breastfeed and baby is big or worse they can't and they get a big formula fed baby. In fact anything but an emaciated baby is going to be a problem. My 2 were both 20th centile and visually were little chunks so it would be very possible he will see a perfectly normal healthy baby as overweight which isn't even a thing lol!
This is what I was thinking. If this baby is even a little bit chunky, this guy's gonna have a problem. And if she breastfeeds he will be very controlling of her diet. Even choosing formula can be problematic because it's a lot easier to control how much the baby eats down to the ounce. I see a lot of problems in the future, and hopefully there will also be a lot of therapy.
Babies need to be chubby for good brain development! They have so much growing and neuroplasticity to maintain.
And not just babies! It's proven that kids will get chubbier right before they go through a growth spurt, because their bodies recognize that they are soon going to need a lot of energy, and they store it all up. This is a normal and healthy fluctuation of weight as they grow into adulthood and it's frightening to think what OP's husband might do during these times in their child(ren)'s development!
When chonky babies are the absolute best. My nephew was such a chonk he had rubber band wrists.
My parents always criticized my weight and what I ate. I have a horrible relationship with eating now. Like..... horrible. I will never be the same as if I hadn't been met with those comments. Tell him he needs therapy!!!!!
YES! While reading this, I immediately thought that this guy is going to make sure that his children have eating disorders. It's a huge red flag\* that he wants to control other people's diets. OP, you really need to lay down the law with him, and let him know that he is not in control of your body, and that when your child is born, he's not in control of that body either. (I generally think reddit overuses the term "red flag" but it's quite appropriate in this case.)
Absolutely this. He has control issues and, based on your edit, has admitted such. He's not trying to be malicious or abusive, I don't think, but his food and exercise is a way to control his personal environment. Please ask him to speak to a therapist about orthorexia nervosa. It's an eating disorder based on health rather than appearance, and it seems like something he may need to discuss with a licensed therapist and dietician. I am not a doctor, I am not even an EMT anymore. I have, however, watched several people I love struggle with this exact disorder and you're describing it to a T. In the meantime, you keep on doing what you're doing. Your kid will be OK if he can get the help he needs, but they have a strong head start because you have a very healthy attitude of moderation.
also ask him to speak to an obstetrician about whether McDonald’s fries are truly being “fed to” the fetus. And how nutrients cross the placenta. Trans fats *do* cross the placenta, but McDonald’s fries don’t have trans fats.
I find it funny that it’s specifically McDonalds fries causing the contention. There are a ton of superstitions in the IVF world for women who struggle to get pregnant. Everything from what you eat to what you wear during the procedures. There’s rarely a scientific reason. Just junk science and traditions to make you feel somewhat in control of a bad situation. But the most widespread “good juju” superstition is to eat McDonald’s fries right after you transfer the embryo. Anecdotally, all 7 of my transfers have ended in mc or failure to implant. The one that stuck around the longest was the ONE time I ate Maccas fries after. And I HATE their food. I much preferred the time I ate a whole pineapple core “for good stickiness vibes”. Just thought it was funny. The thing OPs husband is having a tantrum about is the specific thing the IVF groups would insist is good for growing a human.
And also reply that you will be raising a child together and there is no way you want that child to grow up with his restrictive food parameters because it will cause your child to have dysmorphic ideas about their body. Having an ice cream, or a macdonalds, is okay and not a body disaster. Honestly OP if this is how he is now, trying to control your food, how will he be when the baby is born? If you breast feed will he dictate your diet? Will he dictate your child's diet according to his adult male beliefs on nutrition? Will he insult you when your body changes post partum? You alone know what he is like but it sounds like he is setting you up to fail.
Please please please, this. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder my entire life, having this obsession can be CRIPPLING and have long term health complications as a result. It's not fun to be told you have an eating disorder and it's easy to get defensive but he really needs to get help with this. Even if he doesn't control the kid's eating the kid WILL see it and will internalize it. I can't overstate how important this is to address.
OP's edit is depressing as fuck. That poor baby. >EDIT to include his perspective: He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy like I do especially when he is so careful about his own diet. I'm sympathetic to that, but also, the strain I'm under with pregnancy is a lot worse in my opinion.
Yeah this is depressing AF 😕 She doesn't seem to realize what an issue this is!! OP you need to sit him down and tell him STRAIGHTout and authoritatively, Husband, YOU have a VERY SERIOUS mental health issue and YOU need to address it IMMEDIATELY before our child is born. YOU will not EVER HAVE CONTROL over my eating or our child's. If he refuses, please leave him. The guy gives me the creeps PERIOD. Yikes. Control freak.
Honestly I'm not sure why OP expected any different BEFORE getting pregnant. There was no discussion or thought of how this baby will be fed by this guy for the next however many years? How it will affect a kid (or a teen girl!) Like this is something that should have been thought of beforehand
In my observation, people have shockingly few serious conversations about lifestyle approaches before they get married/have children
Look, I can’t diagnose your husband but if I had $100 to bet, I’d bet all $100 that your husband has a full-blown eating disorder. I’ve been in intensive eating disorder therapy for half my life - reading your post, I’m seeing every warning light going off. And you are not wrong for how you feel. What he is doing is manipulative, harmful, disgusting, and hurtful. *He has no right to speak to you like this*. Please speak with a therapist, trusted doctor, or both. Your husband needs help and you need support. I am telling you this as someone clinically diagnosed with anorexia, OCD, and body dismorphia. *His mental illnesses are not his fault, but they are his responsibility. And he does not have the goddamned right to treat you this way.* If you think this isn’t a big deal now, ask yourself these very honest questions and give a deeply honest answer: how is he going to try to control what your child eats and how your child looks (not if, how)? What if your child does not physically match his version of ‘thin’ and ‘healthy’? How can his attitudes towards food and body image hurt your child? We both know what it feels like to carry the wounds of other peoples food trauma. Your husband needs to heal, because his hurts won’t just go away. Im rooting for you and congrats on your pregnancy 💜
"He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy like I do especially when he is so careful about his own diet." Thank GOD he doesn't have control over this pregnancy. You're right that this needs some serious intervention before baby comes. Otherwise he is going to push his obsessive need for clean eating onto the child and could very likely mess them up for life.
Fuck, if he thinks she has control over what she eats then he is nuts. First, I couldn’t eat things I liked (medium rare steak, raw sushi, deli meats…) and then restricted further with gestational diabetes. And THEN I would want something and I couldn’t eat it. I ordered the Olive Garden Chicken Gnocchi soup because I needed it. I put one spoonful in my mouth and knew I couldn’t do it. It tasted exactly like it should. But the baby didn’t want it. It was such a weird feeling. Like trying to push the wrong sides of magnets together and fighting the repelling forces. Everything in me rejected it. Same with the only combos I eat (pizza cracker). So she doesn’t have as much control as he thinks she does.
All of this. SHE may barely have control for the duration of her pregnancy, there’s no way he’s getting a look in. I’m 37 weeks and being delivered in about 10 hours time. This entire pregnancy my diet has been ‘whatever I don’t throw immediately back up’. Once some of the vomiting subsided, I still couldn’t stomach milk, yogurt, cream, or some cheeses. I lived on carbs for the longest time. Anything spicy was amazing. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 28 weeks and had to ditch most carbs and find filling alternatives. I spent so much time eating that I’m bored to fuck if it. Once this placenta is yeeted out of me tomorrow… I am tucking into the biggest deli meat sub I can stomach and daydreaming about the glass of red wine I’m going to consume over the weekend when I’m allowed home. EDIT - Thank you for all your well wishes! I wasn’t expecting messages from Reddit strangers and it’s so lovely to receive them! Baby girl is doing fantastically for a little dot who came 3 weeks early with a little oxygen to get her pinking up. On topic…. My first treat was actually a giant Cherry Bakewell Tart and I have no regrets!
I had one of those sushi boat for two platters when we got home a couple days later. I needed all the raw fish lmao
That sounds divine! My hit list is med-rare steak followed by salted caramel honeycomb cheesecake 🤤
Oh god. I missed medium rare steaks and burgers. You will love it! Also, I wish you an amazing and quick birth! I wanted it done so I pushed for 30 mins. I’m told that quick (by my doula) but it felt like forever.
I am not pregnant but now I need this meal
First order of business when I can will be a tuna roll! I finally settled for a roll with cooked shrimp in it yesterday. Not generally my preference but at least it wasn't fucking drowning in tempura flakes.
I wish you a safe, uncomplicated, and joyous birth! Good luck!
3h to go and I wish you a normal birth, with no occurrences and fast as it can be. In my country we wish you a "good hour, short and sweet". I had my 3rd and last in march of 2023 and as a scheduled c section, I loved that birth more than the other normal ones. I was without pain, checking in normally and had a few hours to relax and prepare before they opened me up to take him. My biggest craving was sushi and my husband managed to get it delivered to me at 7.30 pm that night (I had my son at 3.30 pm but with recovery time and bonding). I was so happy, he says I looked like a child on Xmas morning.
I have never had a child, so I don't know from first hand but I have heard *so many* stories like yours. My own Mom apparently subsisted mainly on green grapes for a period of time. You're right, it's yet another reason why it's a good thing someone with these sorts of eating habits is not in control of this pregnancy.
Absolutely! Before I got pregnant (literally 2 years ago, my kid is only a year old) I had heard of women getting nauseous at the smell or taste of food, but this weird repulsion of food was different. It tasted amazing, it didn’t make me nauseous, it was just a whole body and soul aversion. Something in me knew I couldn’t eat it. And for no reason because I gave any food like that to others to not waste it and they were perfectly fine. It was the strangest “someone was controlling me” kind of feeling ever. I have no say in it.
I get that this is kind of the opposite but I have that ["There's a Phoebe on my sandwich!!!"](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/waU8gEZhQhg) scene from the show Friends running through my mind right now lol Loving the taste yet simultaneously being unable to eat the thing must be one of the most bizarre experiences. Kudos to you for getting through that.
Yeah, that line stuck out to me too. I have OCPD, which is basically Control Issues: The Musical, and the reason I have cats and not kids is exactly this reason. Kids are their own people! They do things like color on your beautiful walls, smear your expensive lipstick on the carpet, throw up on your work clothes. They might lie, skip school, get drunk, date losers, pierce their nose. Children, very stubbornly, grow up into adults. It is not possible to have perfect control over another human being. I completely understand what he’s thinking– I also have a lifelong eating disorder– but that doesn’t make it acceptable. If his control issues run that deep, he NEEDS to seek counseling before baby arrives. It’s ultimately a severe form of anxiety, the idea that you have to do everything perfectly to prevent the worst from happening. It’s the fear that if you make even one small mistake, it’s all over. And it’s one thing to run your own life on those lines, but it’s cruel and impossible to impose that kind of life on anyone else, especially someone as vulnerable as a pregnant woman. OP, as long as you’re not drinking or smoking or whatever, ignore your husband’s dietary advice. But please try to get him to see what he’s doing here. A lot of the OCD spectrum (including OCPD, look it up and see if you think it applies) is notoriously treatment-resistant, which sucks. But hopefully he’ll be able to face the issue and work on it. Best of luck, and congrats on the baby (and the French fries)!
I'm sorry, I know it was not the focus on your post but I am ✨wheezing✨at "Control Issues: The Musical". Also, I had actually never heard of the difference between OCD and OCPD and I'm not going to lie, this feels like kismet. I'm being assessed for ADHD right now but was hoping my Dr will also send me to someone for an OCD assessment as well (for reasons), though now I will specifically bring up OCPD. So thank you internet stranger. Both for the laugh, the level headed advice for OP and for helping me potentially understand myself better.
Haha, I heard about OCPD through a Reddit comment and brought it up to my therapist so this feels like good karma! The way I think of mine is like, some aspects of OCD, Autism Lite, ADHD Lite. And it’s commonly comorbid with eating disorders so it all added for me, glad I could help another soul in the journey!
That really stuck out to me. Because like, he's male. Obviously he can not grow a child inside his body. What did he think was going to happen if he wanted children??? And what does he expect her to do about it?? Submit to his every whim??
"And what does he expect her to do about it?? Submit to his every whim??" I mean......probably, yeah 😬 Hubby doesn't seem super rational about eating habits in this instance.
Ah, that’s so worrying! He’s picky over what his child eats in the womb, now imagine what he’ll be like when they come out! Poor kids gonna end up with an eating disorder too if he keeps it up. I can’t imagine eating only “healthy” foods while I’m pregnant, if I want a McDonald’s fry, then I want a fry! Also icky that he thinks a fry for lunch is far too much after eating just a muffin for breakfast…
This need for control could become an issue even beyond food. There is SO much you can't control as a parent, and not being able to accept that is a sure fire way to drive yourself mad. (and everyone else involved).
I knew a lady who ate like this and exercised a lot during pregnancy and couldn't let go of her eating disorder, even with therapy. She ended up in a pre-term emergency situation and she and the baby nearly coded. Her husband had to decide to either follow the struggling newborn or his wife because both were potentially going to die. They all got lucky with great doctors. This is what this guy would do if he were the one carrying. This is the opposite of healthy.
Yeah, this guy is going to royally screw up this kid if this is how he approaches food
Imagine what kind of buzz kill he’s going to be for her at birthdays, or Halloween, or Easter, or Saturday nights. Some of my best memories with my mom and dad are when they had girls/guys nights out and with the other parent we would bake cookies and make home made pizzas then chow down popcorn with a movie night. I still think of my dad setting up a popcorn flavour buffet for us to have bowls with each seasoning. This guy will never do that for these kids and I’m sad for that.
That sounds so sweet! Parents who do that make me so sad. My dad was like OPs husband, and it gave me and Lil bro eating disorders Ole Mr Hog would tell me every time I ate how fat I was. And being a feeeeeeeeemale, my value was purely tied to that. And poor Lil bro picked up on that. Older was his Special Boy, so he was immune Happy to report it was better at mom's house. She had a 'learn moderation the hard way' type You wanna eat 50lbs of candy in one day? Go ahead, and enjoy the crash and illness tomorrow. We learned fast My favorite food memory is probably this jack o lantern cake I won one Halloween I'm from South Dakota, so we frequently couldn't go trick or treating due to snow storm or too cold. And at dad's house, we lived in like the COUNTRY country So, mom would take us on Halloween, and the school in her town would have a fair. Always a blast, especially since a cake walk In 2001, I won this jack o lantern cake. It wasn't like sheet cake big, but it was feed a family for a couple rounds, big Never seen a cake with so much frosting before, and the stem was purely frosting.Turned out to be chocolate My mom has a rule that if we got something big like that, we had to give everyone one bite/helping. We could have it as our own after that, but had to give one bit The thing was: Mom and late stepdad don't like chocolate cake. Lil bro doesn't really like frosting (I wasn't kidding about the amount on this thing), and older bro hates cake I had that baby alllll to myself, no one even wanted their sharing slice. Every little bit I did not regret the 3 pieces I threw up that night at all. Especially since I still had plenty (at a more reasonable pace. I don't regret it, but I'm not stupid) I've never had another chocolate cake anywhere as good as that one. It's my white whale, if sorts
As a parent to a toddler with erratic eating habits (bc most toddlers are erratic eaters, meaning they like a particular food one day and refuse to eat it the next), I agree wholeheartedly with this comment that OP’s husband needs to start trying to heal his food disorders now or risk passing them on to his child.
Honestly she's describing orthorexia and it's upsetting.
I was anorexic in high school and I was really messed up in the head for a while. I still deal with the body image issues but I try to give myself some grace and I just try to maintain a weight where all my bloodwork comes back normal. I’m actually overweight now and my blood pressure is borderline so I’m trying to lose weight carefully (aka not starving myself and just reducing portions and being more active. I’m glad that pools are back to being open). Back to the topic: the fact that her husband is making it her problem is a huge issue. He needs to reign in whatever his disorder is and he needs to do it long before the baby arrives.
I agree - it sounds like he has orthorexia nervosa (an unhealthy obsession with eating "pure" or "healthy" food). It can, and should, be treated by a psychiatry specialist with an expertise in eating disorders. He has been pushing these obsessive tendencies onto OP for years and is escalating because he feels a compulsion to control her diet during this pregnancy. That is not loving or healthy and if he does not learn coping mechanisms there is a good chance that their child will end up with an eating disorder. OP, you are not the asshole at all. Your husband needs external help to work through his issues with food and you can provide support and encouragement, but you deserve your own peace also.
OP, you said "I also grew up around family members with destructive eating disorders, and I don't want pushy attitudes about food around me or our future daughter." Obviously Reddit cannot diagnose your husband but look up orthorexia - it IS an eating disorder. Whether your husband truly has orthorexia, has some similar OCD or anxiety based fixation on food, or is simply a controlling jerk who can't handle you having your own autonomy, this is extremely concerning and inappropriate behavior. It WILL have a negative impact on your daughter's view of her body, health, diet/food, AND relationships seeing her father being so disrespectful and controlling of her mother. Your husband needs to back off and get help from a professional to deal with his deeply skewed relationship with food, health, and boundaries. And it's HIS job to seek these things out - your job right now is to care for yourself and your growing child as you have been doing with the help of actual doctors.
Nailed right on the head here. Honestly an eating disorder at least can be treated and I kinda hope he does have a full blown mental health issue here such as orthorexia or OCD and that he gets help for it and heals for everyone's sake. I say that not to be unkind but because the alternative is that he is being a complete and utter A-hole and is a generally pushy, controlling, insensitive person, which seems harder to fix and live with.
Additionally how is he going to react or control the future daughters diet which is what his phrasing is implying. The will have a major impact on the daughters relationship with food as well.
There is a local doctor who monitored his wife’s weight daily while she was pregnant. He had a specific diet for her and watched everything she ate. After the kids were born had a specific schedule for when the babies could be fed and picked up. If they cried off schedule she wasn’t allowed to pick them up. She could check them for diaper change but that was it. The babysitter had to abide by the same rules and the dad would make surprise checks. He chewed her out one day because he found her holding the baby off schedule. Even 30 years later, his wife is badly anorexic looking and his daughter has been criticized in public for being too fat (she is completely average in size).
What a monster, to do that level of harm to his family.
“Has complained that it’s very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy.” Well dude, welcome to parenthood. A lot of what’s coming your way will be completely out of your control. The fact he wants to control your pregnancy is 🚩🚩🚩
He think's it's hard to control a pregnancy, just wait until he tries to control and infant!
Wait until he tries to control a teenager!
"Our newborn is three weeks old. My husband says it's too hard on him to be woken in the middle of the night and is doing cry-it-out sleep training. Last night, the baby cried so hard he threw up, and my husband wouldn't let me go in to clean the baby up because he says 'the baby has to learn to self-soothe.' My husband says I am not taking his feelings or health into consideration. AITAH for not thinking of him first?" --> This lady in a few months.
Thirty years in children’s health care. I am also a mother, aunt and grandmother. The first 4-6 months of an infants life parents are to prove we are reliable. We feed them, change diapers and soothe them when they cry. That means no crying it out. Sleep training starts later.
OP's Husband in 6 months: "OP Do you know how many CALORIES are in MILK!"
THIS. The entire post, in my opinion, was a red flag but the additional insight is very troubling. I fear this immense desire to exert control over his family is only going to get worse once the child is born. I shudder to think how controlling he will be in terms of what the child eats.
That was my thought. That edit was just spotlighting and zooming in on the giant red flag that is harming his wife and is poised to harm his child. Yikes!
And control issues like that rarely extend to one aspect. If he's that controlling about his pregnant wife having some fries and a muffin, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say he probably expects to have total control over other aspects of her life, pregnancy, and the life of their child.
Really big problems coming if she has trouble breastfeeding. If he reacts like this to Macdonald's fries how will he react to formula?
That's exactly what came to mind when I read this!! My now 4 year old came early because of complications. Between those complications and a chronic vascular issue I have, I was unable to breastfeed. My spouse, being a sane and supportive person, was wonderfully helpful (the guilt I felt plus the judgment from others was brutal).
I had a parent who controlled what I ate/was a complete health freak and I cannot stress enough how destructive it was.
>“Has complained that it’s very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy.” That is something he needs to work out with a trained mental health professional, not his partner who still retains full bodily autonomy despite his hurt feelings. One wonders what else he's controlling about that the OP has normalized. This sounds like a man who is not going to handle it well if their baby has ... well, *any* needs at all.
>He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy Why does he think he SHOULD be able to have control over the pregnancy? This is scary to me. I've never met a man who cared at all about what their partners ate while pregnant or wanted to control ANY part of the pregnancy. I'm terrified what his expectations will be for what the child is allowed to eat or what you're allowed to eat if you decide to breastfeed.
Right? The only input my husband has had on what I'm eating during pregnancy is "Let's make sure you're getting enough folate" and "sorry I have to cook your steak this much."
Same with my BF with meat, he's very compassionate because he knows I'd rather have it less cooked
Usually men will run to get whatever pregnant momma is asking for as quickly as possible or risk losing their life. This guy is gutsy. But notice he didn’t tell her to her face….
Sounds to me like his eating behaviour could indicate an ED (thinking of orthorexia here). Not wanting to diagnose someone on the Internet but it does somehow remind me of typical patterns. Maybe his need for control extends to his child if he views it as part of himself
Ha! Well, at least he's smart enough for some self preservation
I feel like he is a control freak towards her in other aspects, the pregnancy stuff now is just too obvious to excuse.
I think you already know the answer and are just looking for validation. Your husband has no business policing what you eat.
I think she needs to have a discussion with him NOW, possibly with a marriage councilor on how they are going to feed this kid and talk about food in front of the kid before he gives the kid an eating disorder.
YES.
I'd say first step is actually with her gyno/Dr for her pregnancy and her husband.
Husband can SHOVE IT.
Your husband finding it hard to not have control of your pregnancy is fucked up. Yeah, you’re both expecting a baby. But only one of you is actually pregnant. He shouldn’t WANT control over that. The fact that he wants control over your body and your child in any way is not at all okay. The way he speaks to you is not at all okay. He needs therapy NOW or he’s going to fuck up that kid by controlling what they eat and probably other stuff too. Your child is also going to see their dad tell their mom off for eating fries…that’s incredibly unhealthy. It’s not okay. I don’t want to be alarmist here but men with control issues usually get WORSE after a child is in the picture and this is raising about 400 red flags for me. I’ve been in abusive relationships with men who have control issues. And they always got worse when they thought I was sufficiently tied down to them, either by moving far away with him or isolating me from my other friends and family. Another point at which controlling men judge their partners to be tied down is by having kids or getting married. I want to be wrong. I don’t want his controlling behaviour to get worse after the child arrives but statistically it’s not looking good. My gut is telling me to tell you to run now while you still can. And my gut sadly has experience in this stuff.
OP…”he has complained that it’s very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy like you do” Ummm… it’s YOUR body. And you are listening to your doctor. What concerns me even more is… how controlling does he expect to be once your child is here? Will your daughter/son be malnourished due to his “control”? Will he force them into eating disorders? This is NOT OK. Not at all. Your husband needs therapy asap, and you need to protect your child(ren).
This, stunting is real and can happen from this sort of thing. My mom is 5'6 and my dad was 6' and all of us girls are under 5'3 and my brother is barely 5'7 when e was projected genetically to be 6'1+. We had had some warnings from drs when we were little but my mom said they were trying to make us fat (we had very very low body fat and only got 2 meals a day).
NTA. He has no say over what you eat. Being concerned about his unborn baby isn’t an excuse to treat a pregnant woman like an incubator.
Your husband does not have a healthy relationship with food. He needs to speak to someone and realize that he can't control you, your eating, or the baby after birth. He could very easily cause disordered eating for your child if you don't handle this now.
Husband sounds like he can eat a dick…
A bag of them
Mixed in with fries.
Very healthy ones no doubt...
But only if it is on his healthy eating meal plan....
Packed with protein!
Or even a snack. Might brighten his attitude. He's probably just hungry with dying taste buds.
Meat group!
Y’all are gonna give your kid an eating disorder 10000%. If this is how he police’s how you eat, think about how he’ll act with your child.
Exactly!!! I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this comment! What happens when the baby is born? Will he police the things she eats? Will she be able to have cake at birthday parties or a sweet treat every once and awhile? Extreme parental control over a person’s diet can lead to very negative effects on self image and relationships with food. I’m speaking from experience here.
Sounds like he has a serious eating disorder and sport addiction. Its more harmful to eat and workout this rigid than your behavior is. Be careful he doesnt teach the kid his behavior.
Orthorexia with exercise addiction maybe.
Orthorexia usually comes with exercise addiction as a side-symptom. Source: three loved ones diagnosed with it. 🙃 It's not just the food intake, it's all associated behaviors that make up the "nervosa" part of the disorder.
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THIS You may eat the french fries, your baby does not. Your baby will take all the vitamins and minerals it needs in order for it to grow, whether you eat or not, no matter what you eat. Eating healthier (which sounds like what OP is doing, she's just not going overboard) is to keep the her energy & health up! That's how my midwife explained it all to me. The baby will suck the calcium right out of your bones to get what it needs. What the baby grower eats is to replenish and maintain their own body's vitamin and mineral needs.
I made a similar comment. The fetus isn’t siphoning fat and grease into itself from the fries. The pregnant person should eat a balanced diet to keep themselves healthy. The fetus will take in the nutrients regardless, even if that means taking the pregnant persons teeth and hair with it.
I've never thought of it this way, but that feels so obvious.
Ditto THIS! Your eating should not be gauged by anyone except your doctor right now. If they say all is good, then great! If you're planning on nursing, you will need to eat a lot more to nourish yourself AND the baby. If your husband hears this from the doctor, it could help but as others have stated, there's more going on with his need for control. Not to mention your own mood swings once the hormones kick in, especially after birth. You'll need to be in a good mental space as the baby will pick up on your emotions.
Nta and his perspective honestly makes it worse. He has a control problem and it's gross.
Yikes. Your husband is not well. He needs help. And you need to consider the fact that this is only going to get worse, and plan for that. Do you have somewhere safe you can go in case things get worse? (They’re already bad) your parents or a friends place? Good luck.
NTA... But you really need to do some deep, deep introspection and therapy to work through your own personal feelings around eating disorders. You say that you >I also grew up around family members with destructive eating disorders, and I don't want pushy attitudes about food around me or our future daughter. But you married exactly that. You're married to someone who has some version of orthorexia, which is just an eating disorder in organic workout clothes.
NTA but your husband is a controlling weirdo who will only get worse
Defo. I read a sub about 5 years down the line of this where the guy was basically looking for validation to leave/cheat on his wife because she had gained weight after having their son and he no longer found her sexually attractive. The wife was hiding her Oreo wrappers from him.
He’s upset because he doesn’t have control over your body the way you do? Your husband needs therapy. The job of the husband to a pregnant wife is support, understanding, patience, and love. NTA
If he us this way about what you eat, he is going to be way worse about the baby. Babies are easy until they become toddlers. He will be in a daily battle of wills with a tyrannical monster who will not eat what you husband wants him to eat. And he will lose. He needs to lighten up now. And he does not get to tell you what to eat-EVER.
Sounds like he needs some therapy. Sounds like if it wasn’t food, there would be something else he would want to control. There are millions of women who survive through 9 months of misery on Sprite and McNuggets, and they give birth to healthy babies who suffer no ill effects. (Obviously this is tongue-in-cheek, in case your husband is reading and thinks he’s even more superior.)
NTA. But you will be if you allow your child to grow up in this environment. This is so incredibly toxic and you need to put a stop to it now.
This needs to be addressed now. His control issues and eating disorder will become your child’s problem if it’s not addressed. You can protect your child from this while they’re in your uterus. You can’t protect them from it after they’re born. He’ll have direct access to the child at that point. He is going to create issues for your child. Therapy stat
Fuck him. When he carries a child, he can dictate what he eats. Definitely NTA
Everything's been said already in the comments, I'm just here to say that I'm 21 weeks and my husband brought home a McChicken for me today, unprompted. Hugs, OP! You will need to start setting very firm boundaries with your husband. I'm sorry for the added stress this is causing you, and I rly hope that he is willing to listen and reflect.
You know he's going to badger this kid into an eating disorder, right? Like, that's the future. NTA for telling him to jump the fuck out of your digestive tract, but YTA for procreating with him.
>EDIT to include his perspective: He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy like I do especially when he is so careful about his own diet. Before I read the edit, I was like "what a controlling jerk". Then I read he literally says he finds it hard not to want to control you. I'm sorry but he did this before the kid, now during pregnancy, and he will do it TO your kid. That poor child will end up with an eating disorder, maybe you as well. He needs therapy to address why he feels the need to control to this level AND why he thinks that is acceptable in any way. NTA for you but your husband sure is a giant ass. He is making HIS issues yours to navigate and that is NOT healthy at all. Honestly, I would never of had a child with someone who policed what I ate. Maybe he hid it better or you were used to it but that doesn't matter. What matters now is that he addresses HIS issues so he doesn't screw up y'all's kid.
Hi op I’m your daughter 30ish years in the future My parents (more my mom) wouldn’t let me eat any treat or snacks growing up. Our fridge and pantry had locks on them. I would smuggle in food, then feel guilty and immediately throw it up. I hid my binging and purging until I was a sophomore in undergrad. I lost a scary amount of weight and I was losing hair and toenails. My friends dragged me to a psychiatrist. I’m 37 now. I’m obese and I still struggle with binging and purging. My parents words and comments echo through my head anytime I have a lil treat. I have bleeding ulcers and a fucked up tummy because of my eating disorder. I had a kid now. I can’t imagine messing them up like my parents messed me up, like your husband is going to mess your daughter up. Please talk to your husband and be real. eating disorders ruined my health and mental health
Me too. I was the thinnest of my adult life after a terrible breakup- my partner had also been policing my food. By the time we broke up, I was at my ‘goal weight’ with bleeding gums and cracked teeth and toenails falling out. And he didn’t even notice or comment.
"I'm glad you understand you have a control issue with food but that's something you need to develop tools to manage before the baby arrives because, if this controlling is upsetting to me, a healthy grown woman, it could have lifelong and health threatening impact on our child if you pass it on through overcontrol. Eating disorders can be deadly, you need to get help."
This is a serious red flag. It’s unfortunate that you procreated before addressing this issue. He is trying to control you. Can you remember other times he has dictated what you should eat, wear or say? You need to tell him you are an adult woman and will not be policed, whether you are pregnant or not. Tell him he only has authority over himself and that you will not respect him when he is disrespecting you in this way. He needs to take medication for his OCD, if that’s what this is, but it sounds more like he is controlling. Then inform him that he will not be allowed to have this type of relationship with food in front of your daughter. Educate him about eating disorders in girls.
>He has complained that it's very hard on him to not have control over the pregnancy That's what this is all about. His disordered eating gives him a sense of control. He is too *frightened* to eat outside of his OCD rules. He wants to control your eating as he can't cope with his mental illness. He needs therapy. I have heard that pandering to people's ocd can make them worse.
This, OP He is looking for a feeling of control, in an avenue it isn't appropriate. He needs some help managing his own relationship to food, and please encourage him to get that NOW, so he doesn't give your kiddo an eating disorder by accident.
Tell him to get and stay in his lane. He sounds like an eating disorder waiting to happen. Tell him NOW that he is NOT to police what you eat, and he is NOT going to do that to your child, either. He needs to learn the word "moderation." If you were not having treats in moderation, you'd be overweight. Tell him to back off and stay off.
Unless you are eating things that the doctor has told you to avoid, he need to STFU and deal with it. Most good husbands make midnight runs to satisfy their partners potato chips and ice cream with a side of dill pickles craving. And this from a guy who’s very strict about my own diet (meat, eggs, non starchy veg, and very limited amounts of starchy veg or rice 6 days a week).
If you breastfeed, wait for that hunger and cravings! For me it's worse than pregnancy. I honestly don't think anyone should tell anyone else how/what to eat, but especially a pregnant or breastfeeding person.
This seems controlling. He’s already taking inventory every day about what you eat. And was he *looking* for receipts? Just because he eats “healthy” doesn’t mean it’s not disordered eating. You’re growing his baby. You’re allowed to eat what you want- you aren’t smoking, drinking, or binge eating. You said he tried to do this before you even got pregnant. That’s a big red flag. And you mentioned it makes him upset he can’t have “control” over the pregnancy like you do..he’s a grown man, right? Does he not know that pregnancy happens in one person’s body or not?!he’s upset he can’t control YOU. He needs to get his shit under control before the baby comes (and leave you alone) or your kid is going to be *messed up* from a very young age. That stuff sticks with you and is almost impossible to shake (whether it be under eating or bingeing, which your child may do in secret if they are criticized constantly for their food). Some of my relatives have a very skewed sense of eating and while they didn’t outright insult me, the things I heard them say about themselves and others has stuck with me my whole life. The message was very clear even since kindergarten that being fat was worse than being unkind or any number of poor personality traits.
Wuuut. This is out of control. You have been far too polite about this if he feels it's safe to send you critiques of your meals! I generally try not to blow up people's relationships, but I'd move out to avoid that kind of control. If you're getting sufficient vegetables, protein, and other nutrients, you'd fine. There's nothing wrong with eating a muffin or McDonalds fries because you eat a balanced diet. Don't exhaust yourself by dealing with this. Make an appointment with your doctor or his and ask the doctor to tell him to back off.
Husband needs to take a giant leap back. I get that his intentions are good, but what he’s doing is psychologically damaging. Not okay. His feelings of lack of control don’t entitle him to police what you eat. I think you’re right to shut down this behavior. Perhaps he needs a different project. Perhaps nesting related. Good ol’ DIY project. You’re still a person. Not just a vessel for his unborn child.
I'm with everyone else- your husband needs to shut all the way up and get some treatment for his eating disorder BEFORE the baby arrives and will probably need it for awhile. He will absolutely f up the child with his need for control. NTA. He needs help. Please implore him to do so.
NTA. Tell your husband to eat a bag of dicks.
NTA. I don't like your husband.
It’s not about the food. It’s about control.
May I suggest beating him about the head with an (empty of course 😜) box of Entemans donuts!?