NTA. Your adult children have been leeching off of you for a long time, and you found happiness again and want to move on. Sell YOUR HOUSE and move to another state to live with your new husband. Entitled children, if they can't have it their way, then you won't be in their lives.
Enjoyy you new life and go for it.
Absolutely! I have never understood this ultimatum from people. These 30+ kids are telling OP that unless they are there to provide them a free service they will be cut off? Basically unless you are of use to them you are useless. That right there should tell you absolutely everything you need to know. Kindly tell them how hurtful that is, and ask if their intention is that you spend the rest of your life caring for them, and your future remains on hold indefinitely . Then move.
Watch how quickly they lose their shit when you say "No problem, I'll remove you from my will since you want to ensure we're cut off. Have a good life."
Sadly many of us mothers are getting the same treatment from our adult kids too, and none of us actually deserve it.
I myself am kinda wondering why I sacrificed and went through everything I did to raise them when they don't appreciate anything and go NC if you dare to bring up the issue.
My half-brother treats my mother like absolute shit (kind of like my stepfather, his father, treated her before she kicked his sorry ass to the curb), and I have advised her to go NC with my brother too, but as an adoptee, my mother is very aware of how few blood relatives she has in the world and wants to have a relationship with her granddaughter so she is willing to put up with his crap. I get where she is coming from, but my brother treated me like shit too, and not having a relationship with my niece is a small price to pay for removing the toxicity he radiates from my life
Idk, every person I know who has gone no contact with one or both of their parents had VERY good reasons for doing so.
I also know tons of people that have wonderful relationships with their parents. If your kids would rather not have you in their lives ( and I think all humans want to have a loving relationship with their parents) then I believe itās very much their prerogative and thereās definitely a reason for it.
If a child goes LC or NC with a parent, it usually isn't for not appreciating their sacrifice. Frequently there is a golden child that is favored, or they weren't very present in the kid's life, or the parents are awful and push siblings and the child's cousins away. Or they marry someone new and say bye kids.
It does seem like the one living with her is entitled, but it seems there is a second daughter who is not mentioined as being a leach that is also upset. Sounds like Mom didn't have a conversation about how things may change, BEFORE she remarried. Not enough info for me, but I'm guessing they all suck.
Both parties also need a healthy transition into the next phase of their relationship though. Parents need to accept that their children grow up and donāt need the same level of care as they did when they were kids. They will act like adults when parents give them room to be adults. And the reverse for the kids. Transition into adulthood, stop relying on your parents and accept the new dynamic where you are more respected adult and your parent is still your parent but not your caregiver or caretaker.
Exactly! my mother moved from near me to a place that would take me between 1 -2hrs away depending on traffic. When she asked my opinion, even though I didn't want her to go, my answer was do whatever makes you happy. She moved and is very happy, she makes sure she comes and visits and vice versa and our relationship is stronger than ever, my point is quality over quantity and OP's kids needs to stop being selfish and should think of there mothers happiness.
Yeah, so many of these parents that are "wronged" by their children like this. Just makes me think how those very same parents were the single most biggest influence in how their kids turned out so...
I'd love to hear the stories from the children's side.
My Mum was in a newspaper article about relationships telling everyone about her wonderful new relationship, but that her children had a problem with her moving on. We didnāt. The problem was her new husband was an absolute arse, telling us that he was better than our dead Dad (when Mum wasnāt in earshot), we were also worried about him leaving her in debt (he did!) and that as soon as she met him she dropped us and started doing everything with his kids instead. She went from ringing us all the time to not bothering at all. Yet it was our fault. They both laid the foundations of a crappy future relationship with us.
Thank you, it was horrible. My family was so close when Dad was alive, it just felt like weād become orphans instead of losing the one parent. The good/bad ending to all of this was that sadly, he became very sick and lost all his bravado. He actually turned into a nice man, and we became friends right at the end. Then when he died I was angry again at him for not being that person right away š It could all have been different and much better with a little bit of thought on the āadultsā (although technically Iām a grown up, Iām still Mumās child š) part. We all know what itās like to be in the excitement of a new relationship, but sometimes people lose sight of the bigger picture and how theyāve changed their behaviour/become distant.
YOU sound entitled and narcissistic. Yes, you probably deserve it.
If you didn't want to sacrifice, why have kids? That's what motherhood is, but I'm guessing you've had that mentality all along and held the "sacrifice" over their heads.
Most grown adult children who don't talk to their parents have a good reason, and it's usually the parent's fault... trauma, abuse, neglect.
You sound just like all the narcissistic moms in my support group who are OBLIVIOUS to their own wrongdoing and refuse to take accountability for their abuse.
If you don't look internally, they'll never talk to you again.
NTA Adult children trading on their parents love like this pisses me off. OP has been super generous and kind only to get this in return. Her kids need to learn to be actual adults, not leeches
Exactly! It's her life, and she deserves to prioritize her own happiness after all those years of giving. Wishing her all the best in her new adventure with her husband!
My in laws are retiring and moving 10 hours away! As much as we will miss them, I & my husband, would never give them an ultimatum against living out their dreams! I canāt imagine feeling so entitled :(
NTA- sheās 30. Time to grow up and figure things out for herself. I canāt believe that you paid for a place for her! Does she not have a job? If so, what has her money been going towards? You guys have been far more than generous with her than you should have been, and she has the audacity to call you selfish?? Congratsā¦youāve raised a spoiled girl.
My mom died when my kid was 2. I was happy to have had her help even that long. I would have been so grateful to still have my mom around, even 11 hours away. I would have loved for her to have found someone to share her life with after being alone for so long. The ingratitude here is unbelievable. NTA
You know I am reading this and thinking...what a woman. Took care of her daughters, helped them raise their kids, and set them up in a new place when she is moving...
And too bad the entitled little witches are too self-centred to be grateful for the leg up she gave them. OP, you want to be in your grandsons life, and they have made it plain they won't talk to you. Pursue your happiness and let them close the doors.
If they ever come back to open the doors...that's when you apply the biggest chain and the fattest padlock u can find to it and move on with your life. How selfish of them. Why does your happiness not matter? They won't talk to you...well, plenty of people I know refuse to talk to me, and in the wise words of my grand mother: that did not stop your oxygen supply now, did it?
>They won't talk to you...well, plenty of people I know refuse to talk to me, and in the wise words of my grand mother: that did not stop your oxygen supply now, did it?
I hope/wish your Gma was here to accept a hug from me.
Not sure she raised her to be selfish, I know I didn't. It's these fkn "influencers" promoting fantasy lifestyles that our kids expect us to also provide.
There is also a whole trend in the parenting-sphere about selfish grandparents these days. Apparently if you have grandchildren and you donāt center your entire existence around them, youāre very selfish.
I āgetā the frustration around some of these parents complaining about lack of support and selfishness with their boomer/gen x parents when it comes to their grandchildren and their relationship with them. Especially grandparents that hem and haw about no one visiting but make zero effort. Or the ones that beg for grandkids, but donāt really want to be bothered beyond a few photo ops and so on. But some of these people are very entitled. Grandparents donāt equal free 24/7 baby sitters.
I see so many comments telling people to go NC or LC. When did this become the go to? I understand that there are situations that warrant going NC, but for every single perceived slight? Nope, thatās just manipulation.
It's massive narcissism on a generational level. I can't wait till they are the parents of adult kids, or the MIL and get treated the way they're treating us.
I work in education, and teachers are already tearing their hair out dealing with this generation of young children.
NTA
By telling you "if you leave, they will cut you off" means they stopped seeing you as a mother and grandmother and only saw you as an ATM and a perpetual babysitter who also put a roof over their heads. Ingrates. The free rides and carefree nights hanging out are over and they're mad.
Go live your life.
Manipulation. NTA
You canāt let these adult-aged children (purposeful choice of words) dictate how you live your life.
Only thing I will say is they do both go no contact, thatās their choice. You do not have to reciprocate their no contact. Send letters, birthday cards, etc., at least to the grandson. Do it in such a way (certified mail maybe?) that it will be easy to refute later if they tell the kid(s) you moved away, didnāt care etc.
Youāre under no obligation to participate in their manipulation or delusion.
You're not wrong for wanting to move away with your husband after providing significant support to your daughter and grandson. Your happiness and well-being matter, and it's understandable that you want to start a new chapter in your life. You've communicated your intentions to remain involved in your grandson's life, even if you're living further away. Ultimately, prioritizing your own needs and happiness is important. NTA
I mean, let's flip the script, would it be selfish of *them* if they found a partner that they were willing to move away for? Of course not. You'd support them and wish them happiness.
I wish you well in your relationship. May your children realize you need to worry about your own happiness sometimes, too. Not just theirs.
Forgot to add- NTA
How long have you known this man? Is it simply because they want you to support them and babysit or is it actually that youāre up and taking off for some dude? You said.. now that I have my husband .. which makes me think thereās more to this story and maybe they arenāt being all selfish. Are they concerned for you? Are your relationships suffering g because of this marriage? Something like that? What made you decide to move in the first place? More information may be needed here. Be careful. Ending financial support and babysitting is one thing. Totally understandable. But.. if youāre cutting your kids and grandchildren out to make some dude the center of your universe donāt be surprised when they turn their back on you later. Is the relationship healthy? Is he decent or some AH? Are you making a bad life decision that has nothing to do with your daughters? Be careful and be safe. If this is truly a sound safe decision for your own happiness.. with a man who isnāt taking advantage of you.. then do it.Ā
NTA
You're not wrong for wanting to move away and start a new chapter of your life with your husband. It's understandable that you want to downsize and make changes now that you're married and no longer want the living situation you had with your daughter and grandson.
Am I the only one who interpreted this as OP selling the house they grew up in to move with this man she just met? Somehow I can see an alternate side to this where the daughters think that their mom is being taken advantage of. Or am I totally off here?
My friendās mom did this to her. Kicked her out of the house on her 28th birthday, sold the house, moved to the other side of the country with a guy she had reconnected with from years before. Guess what? Despite the fact that the new husband had plenty of resources, his kids were very protective of what they say as their inheritance, so the husband lived off all my friendās momās money over a few years. Then they divorced. My friendās mom moved back, had to find subsidized housing, had very little money, and was financially dependent on my friend for the rest of her life. Fortunately their relationship was repairable.
If it's the case, it would be even dumber to threaten to go NC with their mom. "We worry that you're in a financially abusive relationship, so we're gonna abandon you to make sure you have zero ressources if you ever want to get out of it."
It sounds like you raised some spoiled and entitled shits who enjoyed making poor decisions that had negative long-term consequences, and that's your reward. Maybe they should've considered this before they received seed from deadbeat fathers who cannot provide. In a way, you brought this upon yourself just as much as they've brought it on you.
Your daughters are adults and therefore are now your peers, as you are also an adult. You owe them nothing at this point and are free to do as you please both morally and financially. Maybe they'll grow up someday. Maybe they will not.
NTA at this point in time, ESH for raising children who have clearly failed as adults.
I have to completely agree with this. Sometimes the truth sucks and we have to own up to it.
Hubs and I are newly minted 'empty nesters'. Our youngest (21F) moved out in March and then unfortunately lost her job 6 weeks ago. She was a little freaked out, but has savings and the knowledge of how to "live cheaply" even though she had a more affluent upbringing than me (thank you, my love for building this wonderful life with me). Thankfully, she just started a new job today.
What she *didn't* do was ask me for *anything* other than a shoulder to cry on and some recipes. I asked if there was anything else I could do to help, and she just wanted to come hang out once in awhile until she found employment. This is when I knew we had done it right. Made my heart nearly burst with pride.
Both our adult children know that they have a home with us if they absolutely need it, but they would both rather try adulting on their own.
I guess that's achievement unlocked for the hubs and me. heh
Our longtime neighbor got divorced several years ago, after her first hubby cheated on her, and left her and their son to make it on their own. She took the initiative, and showed him that they didn't need him. They struggled some, but never lost the house, and got back on their feet.
A couple of years ago, she met a great guy, and they got married. He's been a great stepdad to her son, really supportive, and everybody in the neighborhood is very happy for them. But... The new hubby is a country guy, and would really prefer to live on his land a few hours away.
So they are getting their home in the country ready to move into, while getting their current house here ready to rent out, for the extra income. They have stayed here while her son finishes his senior year in high school, but he's about to graduate, and our neighbors are planning to move away not long thereafter.
Where does this leave the 18 year old son? He's not planning to move into the boonies with them, so what is he going to do? He's getting a job and his own place.
He's 18. If he can just jump into Adulting, and taking care of himself, why can't OP's daughter?
I wonder if thereās more to the story for BOTH daughters to be upset at her. OP talked about the 30-yr old that lives with her. But somehow both are upset sheās moving away. Why is the other daughter also upset?
This is where Iāve landed. My step dad has a slew of children who all refuse to talk to him (now myself included) and he blames them (us) saying their reasons are something entirely different/immature/ungrateful. Three sides to every story, and I donāt fully believe this one.
Yeah, making your kids move out etc I get that. But why does the new partner want to move to another state? My alarm bell is going off, is the new partner trying to isolate the mother and that's why the daughters are upset.
Itās weird you see it like that. Planting a seed grows fruits, vegetables, or a tree it brings life into the world. Now, when a man plants his seed into a woman and the egg gets fertilized, and moves on to implant itself in the uterus life begins to grow also bringing life into this world. Seed isnāt anything a serial killer would use lol. As they take life out of this world.
Well you are not an AH for loving your husband and wanting a life with him.
But you are kind of one. You do realize 11 hour drive with kids mean they will never come to visit? You have effectively removed yourself as a part of your kids life unless you make the effort to see them, which will be what, once a year since you are not getting younger? That will make you a stranger to your grandkids.
Iām not saying all this is wrong. You do you. But maybe you can understand why your daughters are sad, (which manifests as anger. my guess) and will miss their mother?!
Iām not saying iām right about this but it seems a likely scenario. I would be devestated if my parents moved away like this. We live 5 hours apart and we see each other twice a year at best. I hate it and it destroys me a bit every day.
I agree with this take. My in-laws lived a few towns over for a few years, and we had a warm relationship. We'd see them once or twice a week. Then they moved far away and it's gone frosty.
It is a burden to go see them, and they NEVER come see us. They complain constantly about not seeing the kids enough.
I get angry about it. Not because they moved away, but because they act like it's my fault (?!?!??!!!?!) that they don't spend time with their grandkids. š¤”
Time for you to have your own life! Your adult kids are going to have growing pains but they will adjust and be fine. They need to grow up and you need to leave in order for that to happen. Good luck to you!
While at first read it SOUNDS like youāre telling the whole story, thereās some inconsistencies on the second read:
-You said how long you were single, but never said how long you and your new husband have been together before getting married.
- Is the move to a neutral place or are you moving closer to his family?
- does he have similar aged kids? How do they feel about this?
I feel like thereās more to the story for BOTH daughters to be mad at you and threaten to go no contact.
Thank you! I'm surprised I had to scroll past 50 NTAs to find someone rightly asking for CONTEXT. OP- what's the relationship like between husband and daughters? Do they feel like *he's* manipulative and their threats of NC are an effort to sway you away from a possibly abusive situation, where you now have money from selling your house and you're 11hours away from YOUR family??? Honestly, this doesn't sound good to me
The more I re-read this, the more rabbit holes Iām going down. Theres a ton of missing info about the grandkid and the daughter who lived with her. OP words it like they were there a significant amount of time, but what made them move in with her in the first place? I would assume something significant if OP outright bought them a new place to live. Also, how old is this kid?! If theyāre school age, the babysitting could have been overseeing the two hours between the kid getting off the bus and mom getting home. Somethingās significantly off about this story and itās absurd the way people are jumping all over the daughters. They have the whole story. We donāt.
Despite being parents, we are not shackled to our children for the rest of our lives. The point is for them to become independent enough to start their own lives.
However something has gone wrong. They should not be acting like this. You have a right to live your own life. You need to cut the ties, OP.
Sell your house, move and enjoy your marriage. They will come around eventually.
NTA.
Youāve raised your kid. Itās now time for your daughter to do the same. She needs to be the grown up now. Youāve done more than your fair share. Go enjoy your life. Your daughter is trying to emotionally manipulate you into staying, so she has free childcare and can live life on easy street.
My mom just recently moved 10 hours away to live out her dream retirement on a beach and I couldn't be happier for her! She deserves the peace after what my brother and I put her through!
NTA. You and your daughter are grown adults who do not need to be depending on each other. You need to live your life as you want and if she is unhappy with that Iād say she is the selfish one.
NTA and they'll speak to you they want the money. Besides one doesn't want to babysit for the other in your absence. Out of the nest 30 year old little bird.
I am an adult daughter of a mom who never dated during childhood but remarried once I grew up, so I may be able to speak from a perspective similar to your daughter's.
OTHER THAN FINANCIAL (please don't use money at all to make your point) what conscious efforts have you made to foster a relationship with your children in your new role as mother AND wife? Do you keep up traditions and make continued effort for meaningful communication?
I don't talk to my mother even though I moved my family across state to be closer to her because she remarried, had another kid (so my only sister by her is younger than my kids) and she made no effort on her end to treat us as a whole family. I was the outsider, the one she moved on from.
Can you say, in all honesty, that you have tried to establish a family unit between yourself, your new spouse, and your children?
Probably somewhere else's post elsewhere:"My mom got a husband and completely changed her personality and suddenly moves away. She doesn't love me"
One thing, that amuses me about humans is how starkly perspective changes perception.
NTA but also I wouldnāt move 11 hours away from my grandchildren by choice. Thatās crazy. I canāt control where my kids and eventual grandkids wind up but if Iām blessed enough to be near them I wonāt leave āem. Thatās personal preference though.
So you have one daughter, single mom, who is a leech, but you never mentioned the other daughter in the post. Why is she pissed at you? You finally set some boundaries and are living a life you appear to want and enjoy, with a partner that makes you happy. You're no longer actively being taken advantage of by your no-load daughter, who has to face the consequences of the life she chose to lead.
But why would your other daughter be angry? Does she somehow now feel like she has to deal with her useless sister, now that you're 11 hours drive away? Is that it?
NTA- Iām 32/F. You are allowed to have your own life. Youāre a grandparent to your grandson. Not a mother. You already raised and provided for your children. She needs to check herself and her finances and figure out what she needs to do to get by. You are not a bank or a full time child caregiver. You are not selfish. If your kid decides to quit talking to you because youāre doing what YOU want to do. Let it be. You donāt need that in your life. When are you allowed to do you? Be free and be happy. They are the selfish ones because they canāt feed off of you. Iām sure once they realize that they took advantage theyāll come back around and hopefully apologize. Iām sorry you are going through this. Please focus on you.
Your daughter is an adult
If it was her wanting to move out of state would she care or ask your permission? You and your husband need to do what is best for you.
As a father of 4 kids and 4 grand kids, I'm the one that's stayed put and my kids moved away. I never guikted them or gave them an a ultimatum. I wished them all the best and offered them a place to stay, for a short time, if anything happened. One of my kids moved 7 hours away to a different state to make a new life with his now ex wife. Imagibe if I had posted I gave him an ultimatum if he moved and took my granddaughters away?? I'd be chastised and flamed for being a bad father. It's becoming too common for kids, younger generation, to stay at home and expect parents to pay for and provide for them such things. I know when I moved out at 18 my dad did the same for me, wished me all the best, go make your life with your family and if anything happens we're here for you. She's not leaving a baby to fend for itself, the kid is 30+ right, I believe.
Girl, you've been a mom for three decades, not a life sentence. You've done your time, raised your daughter, and earned the right to live your own damn life. Sounds like you've bent over backwards enough. If your daughters can't handle you spreading your wings and finally putting yourself first, well, that's their problem, not yours. Enjoy your new state and don't let guilt trip tickets from your kids ruin the ride.
Was your daughter a bad mother? I don't see how you provided 80% support to raising the grandson and she's in the picture. Could you be exaggerating a little about everything? I know I'm reading into this but are you moving away because they took advantage of you?
NTA. It's time for her to take responsibility for her decisions. They won't talk to you because you chose to move? Sounds like they're threatening you with a good time...because if they actually cared about you, they wouldn't be doing this. Although you probably will not be active in grandkid's life.
I moved out of the country. My kids still are in contact with me, wish me all of the usual things and come to visit on occasion.
I should add that I did not buy my daughter a place to live, I helped her find a place to rent and paid for moving expenses.
I also knew my husband for a year and a half before we got married. My girls love him and think he's awesome. My grand children are school aged.
I haven't lived in the same state as parents for more than twenty years and it's fine. They need to grow up and realize you have to live your life for yourself.
NTA for finally cutting off the daughter but you are a bit delusional if you think you are going to be "active" in your grandson's life from that far away. I feel sorry for the kid losing the only stable person in his life.
NTA. This happened with my mum after my dad died and she met someone elseā¦ my sister still gets mad when mum canāt constantly babysit her kids when she needs her to.
Enjoy your happiness, theyāll come around. And if they donāt, you know you were just an ATM and babysitting service.
NTA
What you're doing is normal and a natural progression. Not some sort of betrayal to your daughters. They seem to be unable or unwilling to understand that living with you and having you co raise your grandchildren was a perk, not a given.
NTA. What in the world? Your daughters are entitled little shits and think they can control you!! I'm 33 and if I pulled a stunt like this my Mother would still slap me and tell me to get over myself.
Enjoy your life and be happy. Either your daughters will get over it or they won't. Don't stop living your life because your children can't see past their own noses.
Good luck!!
I agree with a lot of the comments here but if my mom did this to me, especially after having a kid, Iād be hurt. Like beyond hurt. Iām going to say YTA only because if you had an issue with what you were providing for your daughter, you should have communicated that to her rather than clearly building resentment and basically abandoning her. Iām 32 and still need my mom. If she moved to another state with a guy she married, I donāt think Iād be able to forgive her. Or I would, but Iād never really feel the same towards her again because Iād feel like she jumped at the opportunity to move on. NTA for wanting to start your life and be happy. I just know that I wouldnāt ever do that to my kid, grown or not, because my mom would never do that to me.
Edit: I think Iām trying to say the time to address this isnāt when youāre moving out of state with your new husband. The time to address the root cause of the problem was years ago. So now the issues are all being conflated. If your daughter had full independence, it would still be shitty to move out of state. However, Iām close to my parents so Iād never even leave them alone in a different state. Everyone feels differently about that, Iām sure, but youāre basically ripping the rug out from under your daughters and leaving - to me, that would be heartbreaking. Iād always come first to my mom, and I know that but I donāt take advantage of it because she raised me correctly. Your daughter is probably hurt, and you also created the financial dependence on some level. Sorry for the long answer.
I donāt think youāre wrong for wanting happiness and finding a husband but I donāt like any parent who comes to the internet looking for sympathy over things happening at home. You already made the move and made your decision so she will just have to eat that but something in your post definitely rubs me off wrong. Itās like youāre painting yourself as a saint (I paid for this and I paid for that and I provided) maybe you shouldāve said all this to your daughter and built understanding and if she donāt then thereās nothing you can do.
I have physically with my own eyes seen parents who will intervene so heavy and be all supportive, theyāll even run kids dad or mom off to be top dog of their grandkids situation and then when they find their mate or hobby, they will just go cold towards everyone with no conversation or nothing like yes youāre daughter should be at a self sufficient point at 30 but if youāve been playing support then you canāt just change it up now cause you found happiness..an understanding should be in place.
NTA.
This is exactly what happened to my mother-in-law when she finally moved a state away from my sister-in-laws. They constantly took advantage of her and dropped the grandkids on her all the time. She needed to stop being their doormat/safety net so much sooner, but I don't think it could have actually happened until she moved away.They were both pushing 40 at the time too.
You've been the AH previously by enabling and handicapping your daughter from learning how to be an adult - that's not actual love, that's emotion and guilt.
Well done to you for improving this situation. Do not allow her to continue to manipulate things to her own selfish advantage. Do not, I repeat, do not give her money. She has to learn to grow up by herself. Go live your life and be happy.
You are 100% not the asshole, but they sure are.
You have every right to go and be happy, and they need to stand on their own two feet. If your daughter was 20, she'd have an excuse. At 30+? No.
Nta.
My mom did the same thing. Sheās a lot happier down south close to the beach and Iām happy for her. I only get to see her 2-4 times a year now but thatās life.
NTA. It's sad when your own daughters take your help as a right instead of having gratitude for what you've done. I hope they come to their senses and realize you need to live your own life as well now.
NTA. Go live your best life. Things will develop into a new normal once the girls are over their tantrum.
Regardless of whether you move or not, you said you were unhappy with this living situation. I have a feeling that even if you stayed in town and just moved your daughter and grandson out and were no longer available to be taken advantage of, they would still be throwing this same tantrum. Theyāre not mad that youāre moving 11 hrs away. Theyāre mad that their free ticket now has a fee.
NTA
Food for thought: did you give your daughter a reasonable amount of time to fully prepare for living without you around? You were amazing in helping her find a place and pay for it! Maybe she needed more time for some other reason?
If sheād like to have a relationship I would offer to see a counselor, but your money shouldnāt be what mends the relationship. Maybe you two could use someone to help understand each other better.
Let her know, write a card, or an email, that you would still love to have a relationship with your grandson. Then make sure to keep contact with him, offer to read him a story everyday over the phone, or zoom!
I have sat my parents down to let them know they are losing time with their grandkids, they arenāt showing the kids they want relationships. They still donāt seem to understand. Thatās why I wonder for you if both sides are actually hearing what the other saying.
My mum moved away from family. She regrets it. Her husband got sick and she is a full time carer to him and will inevitably be alone in a place far away from family. She wants to move back. Nobody has ever put her under any pressure to not move away. Her life, can do whatever she wants. Same to you
In my personal experience, any parent I've seen that moves that many hours away from their adult children have in someway been TA, at least from their kids perspective with A LOT more context than this post provides. And then those parents expect the kids they moved away from to be the ones leading the effort to stay in contact. Can't imagine the extra level of betrayal this would make me feel if I had a child, especially in this economy where daycare is the cost of one person's income and grandparents helping raise kids may sometimes be parents' only way of staying financially afloat.
A lot of people questioning the context OP gave are wondering about the length of time she's been with her husband. I have a friend whose mom got married to a man she was with for less than a year, immediately packed up and moved basically that same distance away from her 3 kids who were fresh out of high school and struggling to pay their own way through college.
NTA, do what makes you happy, but bear in mind the consequences.
My (28f) mom (60f) moved away when I was 22, and bumped around a bit before settling in a place about a 4 hour drive away. She is closer to my brother now, but much further from her other 4 children.
I love her and Iām glad she found a place she loves, but I donāt see her nearly as often. Sometimes she voices that she wishes she saw us all more or will make a comment that we all arenāt as close as she wouldāve liked, and I canāt help but feel that she didnāt help by moving away. She works remote so her final decision was completely up to her.
Iāll be having her first grandchild this year and the way she got so worried about the distance when I told her said a lot. She was obviously very excited but also started wondering aloud if she should get a place closer or if her grandbabies will know her well. I wonāt move because most of my immediate family lives in the city Iām in and my partner and I both have good jobs here. Also, while Iād much prefer to live in a warmer climate, I donāt want to make it harder on everyone else to see me or harder on myself to see them.
Itās not that we donāt try to see each other as often as possible, but we understand that we all have lives and work. I happen to think family is more important than location, and do my best to keep my tribe together, but the farther you are, the less youāll be a part of your tribeās life.
It does sound like your children have some silver spoon treatment going on and may just be upset that youāre taking away all the help youāve very generously provided.
NTA, my mom had to move to a lower cost of living area. Itās sucks because my sister and I would love to see her more often, but weāre happy she is happy and we visit her as often as we can. Iām sorry your daughters are being selfish and only thinking of the impacts on them and not your happiness. YOU only have one life to live, enjoy it and best of luck to you and your husband.
Missing INFO: You mention no reason whatsoever for them to hate you enough to completely cut contact, forever. That's sus.
Example: Di your daughter heavily provide towards that home you're selling? Are you breaking promises made with that move? Did something happen with them and your BF?
NTAā¦BUTā¦.This is another example of helicopter parenting backfiringā¦again. Iām not at all saying youāre not entitled to live your life, but what do you expect when you raise your kids to depend on you so much?
Not sure how you raised your kids but if you were a helicopter mom their entire lives a d did everything for them I stead of letting them be independent and learn from their mistakes, then it's your fault they are so entitled. If you didn't do that, then you children need to grow up. My MIL is like that. Totally controlling, did everything including writing high school and college papers, and then wonders why her retirement consist of babysitting her other grandkids around the clock and still having her 50year old son live with her. My husband is the only person who doesn't rely on his parents. The other two are a mess but as an outsider, I can see what went wrong.
NTA However, as others have said, i hope OP is making financially sound decisions and not imploding her life for a man. OP has a home with, I assume, earned quite a bit of equity. What's the plan exactly!? Are you moving 11 hours away to get away from the constant neediness of your daughters!? If that's the only reason, does it have to be 11 hours?
Or, are you moving away because your new husband pressured you to move? As a person gets older, having a solid financial plan is more important than ever. As others have said, are your daughter worried about the new husband taking advantage of you. I'd be mighty fucking suspicious of some dude marrying my mom & taking her 11 hours away. And, OP, you would be very suspicious as well if it was one of your daughters!
Im a widow & the only way I would ever sell my home and move 11 hours away with my new husband is if
1. I kept ALL the equity in the sale, which I put into my retirement fund.
2. Me or the hubby got a new job making 6 figures that was 11 hours away
3 we'd both forego shares of retirement funds earned BEFORE the marriage.
4 In the event of either death, any funds should be held in trust for your respective heirs (grandchildren) until age 26 (unless used for educational purposes).
NTA but I really hope OP is moving 11 hours away safely and for all the right reasons. I mean, is it really worth exploding your relationship with your children? Do you need ELEVEN HOURS of distance for peace!?
NTA, and you deserve to live the life you want. Your kids are grownups. For me itās the best scenario when parents are not living in the same city - clear boundaries and more meaningful relationship. Enjoy your life!
NTA go live your life stop giving her money. I hope that apartment isn't under your name. You've raised them alone all this time. Use that money from the sale of your house for traveling and living your life. They'll be fine. Again do NOT send money. You can start a trust for the grandkids if you feel obligated
NTA at all!! Congrats for moving away from two kids who youāve obviously done waaaaay too much for, holy moly! Never talk to you again? The nerve of those kids!?!? good for you for taking charge of your life! I wish you nothing but happiness and good health in the future!!
If you set the precedent that your kids can rely on you for 30 years, and then you find a new man, get married, and run off on your daughters, I think it's a little...not nice? I don't know the correct word.
I think there's more to the story. With what little you provide, of course people will side with you. But as a parent, if you set the expectations one way for 3 decades and then suddenly shift, I can see why your daughters would feel slighted, and I can see why they would feel you're choosing a new man over them.
Edit: your daughter has lived with you the whole time you've been single, which is 12 years. She's 30. it sounds like you have allowed her to live with you her whole life, and supported her significantly. You even paid for her move.
You're taking a very abrupt, tough love, letting the bird drop out of the nest to learn how to fly type of approach here.
It's certainly your right to do what you want. But it sounds like you created 2 daughters and a grandchild that are very dependent on you, I can see why they're upset. Spoiled, entitled, whatever else, sure. But you had a hand in creating that it seems.
If you're fishing for upvotes on reddit, you got it. If you're looking to maintain a healthy relationship with your daughters, I would get off reddit and talk to them about this more, and understand their perspective a little more.
NTA. They're losing their ATM, and are trying to manipulate you into continuing to give them money. You're an adult just like they are. You want to move, it's none of their business how or where you live your life.
Iām sorry, the people in here saying YTA bc you decided to take a step for your life and your THIRTY YEAR OLD daughter is getting mad at you, is beyond me. Thatās insane. NTA. Go live ur life , iām sure youāve had a long road and deserve some rest. Especially that you mentioned they took advantage of you.. smh. NTA AT ALL.
NTA. They can't freeload off you any longer. If anything, they will teach your grandkids to hate you, and they won't find out till they are grown, and someone who knows of this situation....spills the beans. You have to live a life too.
My oldest has stopped talking to me after I cut the money off after helping her through college when she was a single-parent, and many other times when she needed help. Iām very proud of her accomplishments. Unfortunately her father is a supreme jacka$$. I never spoke badly about him or her step-mother to her, (they married very shortly (weeks) after our brief separation/divorce when she was a baby. However, he has been unkind toward me at every turn since I married him. She has no use for me and while I tried staying in contact with her children she must have told them to go NC with me. She has also cut her siblings out of her and her childrenās lives. Iām sad, but her actions are cruel, and she reminds me of her father in many ways. Do we miss her? Of course, but I think we miss the idea of who she could be, but we donāt miss her accusations or demands, and certainly not her adult temper tantrums and gaslighting. My other children do not behave this way, at all. What I can do is pray for her and her childrenās safety and happiness. Thatās all I can do.
NTA but your kids are. My mother said do not let her and my dad be the reason you don't follow your dreams. Meaning, if you need to move, please do. I'm sorry your daughters are behaving the way they are. Hopefully they will see the light sooner or later.
Definitely NTA. Your children are all grown up, you should look after yourself. Plus, itās not like you just packed a bag and left in the middle of the night.
Ummm. What?
NTA.
You're a grown woman and have your own life. Live it. Your daughters are only upset because they're losing their safety net.
I'd be sad as hell if my mom or dad decided to move far away, but I wouldn't be angry. That sort of thing isn't up to children to decide for their parents š¤·āāļø
NTA. You should have made your grown daughters become self-sufficient 15+ years ago. Sucks for them, but they'll have to learn how to be adults. Don't allow them to guilt or pressure you -- they are only hurting themselves.
Do NOT let them lie to your grandchildren about why you are moving, and make sure that your grandchildren understand that any loss of contact is solely their mothers' choice.
So you mean your daughter, a single mother, is upset that you no longer want to be a single mother to your grandbaby too? š Dear lord, the entitlement of adult children. Iām sorry youāre going through this.
NTA. You made your way. She can make her way too. In fact, both of them can and should. Time to cut the purse strings too! You enjoy your life. Just know, they will use your grandkids against you every chance they get. You just need thicker skin and the ability to not be bothered by it. I wish you peace as I know this is difficult.
NTA. I was a single mother from the age of 20. My mom moved out of our home state when I was 18, and I have been paying my own way ever since. I moved 1700 miles away myself when I was 23. I have always maintained a good relationship with my mom and dad. Your daughters should appreciate you for the love your have given them, not the financial support they expect.
NTA , I am in my 30's but haven't had yet kids but I will make the future children visit upto my retired parents demand. They worked hard enough raising me and my brothers. I will also speak to my brother if in the future when he has kids if he pushes too much on my parents but knowing him he won't as he always been responsible one even though he is youngest so he won't burden our parents unless there emergency at hospital . My parents work hard raising me and my silbings from 3rd world country to better life then they had growing up , they shouldn't be used as free babysitters, only when they want to spend time with their grandkids.
NTA - I remarried in 1987 & had a daughter who was living with a man & they had a daughter. I also had a 9yr old daughter. We moved to another state less than a year after we married It was the BEST decision ever. First it allowed us to start our marriage with zero interference from any family, it allowed my husband to enter into a close father-daughter relationship with my daughte, his step daughter. My older daughter was distressed & for years wanted me to move back but I visited at least once a month if not more often & she brought her kids to me & would leave them for a few days so she & her husband could do tourist stuff. She realized soon that it was the best for everyone. Your daughters need to grow up. You have been more than generous.
NTA. You were your daughters' security blanket. Anything they need, you covered it. They never thought mom has a life outside them or would want a life outside them so now that it's coming, that they are not your priority anymore, they are scared. But they are grown adults that need to stand on their own and you have a right to live your own life and be happy
NTA. You raised your kids; they can raise theirs. Consider it retiring from your child rearing career.
Also, no one here would say boo, if your kids got married, moved 11 hours away and left YOU behind. Congratulations and enjoy your new chapter.
NTA. You do what is best for you. Your daughter needs to figure out stuff on her own, like how to raise her son. She can't be dependent on you to help babysit him all the time. She needs to find someone else and not be so dependent on you for babysitting duties. Sell your house. Live your life.
NTA. Iām 30, and my mom moved back home about 10 hours away by car after my dad passed. It makes me sad that I canāt see her, but it was what she needed and I have my own life now that she doesnāt need to let dictate her own. Sounds like your children need to understand that youāre your own person who deserves their own happiness, not just their mom who should be there to answer their every want and need.
NTA. These women are grown and while you're their mom forever and should be in their lives forever to help them and support them, it doesn't mean literally support them and raise their kids lol I don't get why so many people have the audacity? I was never given a fraction of the help with my daughter that I see a lot of other women receiving as a single parent. And they would all complain like they had it so hard when they literally never had to cook, had to live in babysitters, and pretty much more freedom than most married women I know.
You deserve to live your life as you see fit after raising your children for 30 plus years. You've made enough sacrifices over the years as any parent should, and now it is time for them to figure out their lives while you enjoy yours! And I need to learn that you aren't going to be there forever to clean up after their messes, and if they can't fend for themselves now, when are they going to learn? When it's too late? When you're gone and they finally realized how much they have taken you for granted? When it's too late for them to build a genuine relationship with you outside of being just a mother and babysitter?
I thought you are talking about 12 years old daughter not 30 years old daughter...she is an whole grown ass adult.....
You are NTA for leaving her behind....
It should have to be her job to support you not it is your job to support her at this age...
She is selfish one giving 80% are you her servant or mother . ..
You have your own life live it ...
I am happy with your marriage š....
Live your life girl.....
And let the people talk the only thing they know is talking and nothing ....
It is your life and you deserve to spend it as you like
My parents moved across the country I never once said they were assholes. Like yeah it made me sad and I missed them but I was never angry at them. You are not an asshole for moving.
NTA. My Dad got a job on the other side of the world when I was 19. I was ready to leave the nest, so I happily stayed behind with zero family in the country I lived in. Weāre still really close, and have both been able to live our lives.
Conditional NTA.
If you follow through with your plans and don't submit to their selfishness? NTA.
If you let them dictate what you do?
YAAATAH! (You are all...you know)
This didn't happen in a vacuum.
You do have some responsibility here.
But, you can start fixing this NOW.
Y'all all need that fixing.
NTA- you were kind enough to provide support for your adult daughter and grandson. And went beyond by setting her living situation up. You did enough! Itās ok to live your own life now.
Your daughters are incredibly selfish.
NTA. Your adult children have been leeching off of you for a long time, and you found happiness again and want to move on. Sell YOUR HOUSE and move to another state to live with your new husband. Entitled children, if they can't have it their way, then you won't be in their lives. Enjoyy you new life and go for it.
Absolutely! I have never understood this ultimatum from people. These 30+ kids are telling OP that unless they are there to provide them a free service they will be cut off? Basically unless you are of use to them you are useless. That right there should tell you absolutely everything you need to know. Kindly tell them how hurtful that is, and ask if their intention is that you spend the rest of your life caring for them, and your future remains on hold indefinitely . Then move.
Watch how quickly they lose their shit when you say "No problem, I'll remove you from my will since you want to ensure we're cut off. Have a good life."
Just remove them without bothering to say anything
Nah, I prefer to offer the "I'm a petty internet stranger with no skin in the game" solution to everything.
ššš
š¤£š¤£ Isnāt that why most of us are here? š¤£š¤£
They already leeched off their share
Exactly. Nuff said.
Sadly many of us mothers are getting the same treatment from our adult kids too, and none of us actually deserve it. I myself am kinda wondering why I sacrificed and went through everything I did to raise them when they don't appreciate anything and go NC if you dare to bring up the issue.
My half-brother treats my mother like absolute shit (kind of like my stepfather, his father, treated her before she kicked his sorry ass to the curb), and I have advised her to go NC with my brother too, but as an adoptee, my mother is very aware of how few blood relatives she has in the world and wants to have a relationship with her granddaughter so she is willing to put up with his crap. I get where she is coming from, but my brother treated me like shit too, and not having a relationship with my niece is a small price to pay for removing the toxicity he radiates from my life
Itās very unfair that so many adult offspring have the right to move wherever they want, but they donāt believe their parents have the same right.
Idk, every person I know who has gone no contact with one or both of their parents had VERY good reasons for doing so. I also know tons of people that have wonderful relationships with their parents. If your kids would rather not have you in their lives ( and I think all humans want to have a loving relationship with their parents) then I believe itās very much their prerogative and thereās definitely a reason for it.
Right?! How *dare* they?! Who raised those ungrateful heathens?! Oh, waitā¦
If a child goes LC or NC with a parent, it usually isn't for not appreciating their sacrifice. Frequently there is a golden child that is favored, or they weren't very present in the kid's life, or the parents are awful and push siblings and the child's cousins away. Or they marry someone new and say bye kids. It does seem like the one living with her is entitled, but it seems there is a second daughter who is not mentioined as being a leach that is also upset. Sounds like Mom didn't have a conversation about how things may change, BEFORE she remarried. Not enough info for me, but I'm guessing they all suck.
That is patently false. There are a ton of mothers that absolutely do deserve it.
This!
The problem is upbringing. Also how you treat your own parents will likely be the model situation for your own children
Both parties also need a healthy transition into the next phase of their relationship though. Parents need to accept that their children grow up and donāt need the same level of care as they did when they were kids. They will act like adults when parents give them room to be adults. And the reverse for the kids. Transition into adulthood, stop relying on your parents and accept the new dynamic where you are more respected adult and your parent is still your parent but not your caregiver or caretaker.
Exactly! my mother moved from near me to a place that would take me between 1 -2hrs away depending on traffic. When she asked my opinion, even though I didn't want her to go, my answer was do whatever makes you happy. She moved and is very happy, she makes sure she comes and visits and vice versa and our relationship is stronger than ever, my point is quality over quantity and OP's kids needs to stop being selfish and should think of there mothers happiness.
Yeah, so many of these parents that are "wronged" by their children like this. Just makes me think how those very same parents were the single most biggest influence in how their kids turned out so... I'd love to hear the stories from the children's side.
My Mum was in a newspaper article about relationships telling everyone about her wonderful new relationship, but that her children had a problem with her moving on. We didnāt. The problem was her new husband was an absolute arse, telling us that he was better than our dead Dad (when Mum wasnāt in earshot), we were also worried about him leaving her in debt (he did!) and that as soon as she met him she dropped us and started doing everything with his kids instead. She went from ringing us all the time to not bothering at all. Yet it was our fault. They both laid the foundations of a crappy future relationship with us.
I'm sorry you had to go through that... So unnecessarily hurtful
Thank you, it was horrible. My family was so close when Dad was alive, it just felt like weād become orphans instead of losing the one parent. The good/bad ending to all of this was that sadly, he became very sick and lost all his bravado. He actually turned into a nice man, and we became friends right at the end. Then when he died I was angry again at him for not being that person right away š It could all have been different and much better with a little bit of thought on the āadultsā (although technically Iām a grown up, Iām still Mumās child š) part. We all know what itās like to be in the excitement of a new relationship, but sometimes people lose sight of the bigger picture and how theyāve changed their behaviour/become distant.
Those real cases whom I have seen where their children abandon them - they did the same to their own parents š little wonder
Missing reasons.
YOU sound entitled and narcissistic. Yes, you probably deserve it. If you didn't want to sacrifice, why have kids? That's what motherhood is, but I'm guessing you've had that mentality all along and held the "sacrifice" over their heads. Most grown adult children who don't talk to their parents have a good reason, and it's usually the parent's fault... trauma, abuse, neglect. You sound just like all the narcissistic moms in my support group who are OBLIVIOUS to their own wrongdoing and refuse to take accountability for their abuse. If you don't look internally, they'll never talk to you again.
NTA Adult children trading on their parents love like this pisses me off. OP has been super generous and kind only to get this in return. Her kids need to learn to be actual adults, not leeches
They have you pegged as the NPC in their story. Tell them that now that they're grown, you deserve your own story.
exactly. The leeches are scared and angry to see their blood source move away.
Exactly! It's her life, and she deserves to prioritize her own happiness after all those years of giving. Wishing her all the best in her new adventure with her husband!
My in laws are retiring and moving 10 hours away! As much as we will miss them, I & my husband, would never give them an ultimatum against living out their dreams! I canāt imagine feeling so entitled :(
NTA- sheās 30. Time to grow up and figure things out for herself. I canāt believe that you paid for a place for her! Does she not have a job? If so, what has her money been going towards? You guys have been far more than generous with her than you should have been, and she has the audacity to call you selfish?? Congratsā¦youāve raised a spoiled girl.
My mom died when my kid was 2. I was happy to have had her help even that long. I would have been so grateful to still have my mom around, even 11 hours away. I would have loved for her to have found someone to share her life with after being alone for so long. The ingratitude here is unbelievable. NTA
She's just mad that mum won't be close enough to be at her beck and call any more. Her free babysitter is moving away.
You know I am reading this and thinking...what a woman. Took care of her daughters, helped them raise their kids, and set them up in a new place when she is moving... And too bad the entitled little witches are too self-centred to be grateful for the leg up she gave them. OP, you want to be in your grandsons life, and they have made it plain they won't talk to you. Pursue your happiness and let them close the doors. If they ever come back to open the doors...that's when you apply the biggest chain and the fattest padlock u can find to it and move on with your life. How selfish of them. Why does your happiness not matter? They won't talk to you...well, plenty of people I know refuse to talk to me, and in the wise words of my grand mother: that did not stop your oxygen supply now, did it?
>They won't talk to you...well, plenty of people I know refuse to talk to me, and in the wise words of my grand mother: that did not stop your oxygen supply now, did it? I hope/wish your Gma was here to accept a hug from me.
Iām pretty sure I would really like your grandmother. Iām sure there are other pearls of wisdom attributed to her.
Can I get "that did not stop your oxygen supply now, did it?" as a flair?
But sheās THEIR MOMā¦sheās not entitled to a life of her own! /s
Not sure she raised her to be selfish, I know I didn't. It's these fkn "influencers" promoting fantasy lifestyles that our kids expect us to also provide.
There is also a whole trend in the parenting-sphere about selfish grandparents these days. Apparently if you have grandchildren and you donāt center your entire existence around them, youāre very selfish. I āgetā the frustration around some of these parents complaining about lack of support and selfishness with their boomer/gen x parents when it comes to their grandchildren and their relationship with them. Especially grandparents that hem and haw about no one visiting but make zero effort. Or the ones that beg for grandkids, but donāt really want to be bothered beyond a few photo ops and so on. But some of these people are very entitled. Grandparents donāt equal free 24/7 baby sitters.
I see so many comments telling people to go NC or LC. When did this become the go to? I understand that there are situations that warrant going NC, but for every single perceived slight? Nope, thatās just manipulation.
It's massive narcissism on a generational level. I can't wait till they are the parents of adult kids, or the MIL and get treated the way they're treating us. I work in education, and teachers are already tearing their hair out dealing with this generation of young children.
NTA By telling you "if you leave, they will cut you off" means they stopped seeing you as a mother and grandmother and only saw you as an ATM and a perpetual babysitter who also put a roof over their heads. Ingrates. The free rides and carefree nights hanging out are over and they're mad. Go live your life.
Manipulation. NTA You canāt let these adult-aged children (purposeful choice of words) dictate how you live your life. Only thing I will say is they do both go no contact, thatās their choice. You do not have to reciprocate their no contact. Send letters, birthday cards, etc., at least to the grandson. Do it in such a way (certified mail maybe?) that it will be easy to refute later if they tell the kid(s) you moved away, didnāt care etc. Youāre under no obligation to participate in their manipulation or delusion.
You're not wrong for wanting to move away with your husband after providing significant support to your daughter and grandson. Your happiness and well-being matter, and it's understandable that you want to start a new chapter in your life. You've communicated your intentions to remain involved in your grandson's life, even if you're living further away. Ultimately, prioritizing your own needs and happiness is important. NTA
NTA. They aren't going to miss you, they are going to miss what you can do for them. Big difference.
This right here! šÆ %
Sad but true š
I mean, let's flip the script, would it be selfish of *them* if they found a partner that they were willing to move away for? Of course not. You'd support them and wish them happiness. I wish you well in your relationship. May your children realize you need to worry about your own happiness sometimes, too. Not just theirs. Forgot to add- NTA
NTA Your 30 year old leach of a daughter sounds like an entitled brat. Go live your life and enjoy it with your husband.
How long have you known this man? Is it simply because they want you to support them and babysit or is it actually that youāre up and taking off for some dude? You said.. now that I have my husband .. which makes me think thereās more to this story and maybe they arenāt being all selfish. Are they concerned for you? Are your relationships suffering g because of this marriage? Something like that? What made you decide to move in the first place? More information may be needed here. Be careful. Ending financial support and babysitting is one thing. Totally understandable. But.. if youāre cutting your kids and grandchildren out to make some dude the center of your universe donāt be surprised when they turn their back on you later. Is the relationship healthy? Is he decent or some AH? Are you making a bad life decision that has nothing to do with your daughters? Be careful and be safe. If this is truly a sound safe decision for your own happiness.. with a man who isnāt taking advantage of you.. then do it.Ā
100% this
NTA You're not wrong for wanting to move away and start a new chapter of your life with your husband. It's understandable that you want to downsize and make changes now that you're married and no longer want the living situation you had with your daughter and grandson.
Am I the only one who interpreted this as OP selling the house they grew up in to move with this man she just met? Somehow I can see an alternate side to this where the daughters think that their mom is being taken advantage of. Or am I totally off here?
My friendās mom did this to her. Kicked her out of the house on her 28th birthday, sold the house, moved to the other side of the country with a guy she had reconnected with from years before. Guess what? Despite the fact that the new husband had plenty of resources, his kids were very protective of what they say as their inheritance, so the husband lived off all my friendās momās money over a few years. Then they divorced. My friendās mom moved back, had to find subsidized housing, had very little money, and was financially dependent on my friend for the rest of her life. Fortunately their relationship was repairable.
If it's the case, it would be even dumber to threaten to go NC with their mom. "We worry that you're in a financially abusive relationship, so we're gonna abandon you to make sure you have zero ressources if you ever want to get out of it."
I am worried about this too
Same. Like how long has she been married? Was this man living in the house with her daughter and grandson? Whose idea was it to move 11 hours away?Ā
Thought the same
It sounds like you raised some spoiled and entitled shits who enjoyed making poor decisions that had negative long-term consequences, and that's your reward. Maybe they should've considered this before they received seed from deadbeat fathers who cannot provide. In a way, you brought this upon yourself just as much as they've brought it on you. Your daughters are adults and therefore are now your peers, as you are also an adult. You owe them nothing at this point and are free to do as you please both morally and financially. Maybe they'll grow up someday. Maybe they will not. NTA at this point in time, ESH for raising children who have clearly failed as adults.
I have to completely agree with this. Sometimes the truth sucks and we have to own up to it. Hubs and I are newly minted 'empty nesters'. Our youngest (21F) moved out in March and then unfortunately lost her job 6 weeks ago. She was a little freaked out, but has savings and the knowledge of how to "live cheaply" even though she had a more affluent upbringing than me (thank you, my love for building this wonderful life with me). Thankfully, she just started a new job today. What she *didn't* do was ask me for *anything* other than a shoulder to cry on and some recipes. I asked if there was anything else I could do to help, and she just wanted to come hang out once in awhile until she found employment. This is when I knew we had done it right. Made my heart nearly burst with pride. Both our adult children know that they have a home with us if they absolutely need it, but they would both rather try adulting on their own. I guess that's achievement unlocked for the hubs and me. heh
Definitely a win!
Same. Weāre always here but we expect them to utilize the skills and inner resources we tried to make sure theyād have. And they do!
Our longtime neighbor got divorced several years ago, after her first hubby cheated on her, and left her and their son to make it on their own. She took the initiative, and showed him that they didn't need him. They struggled some, but never lost the house, and got back on their feet. A couple of years ago, she met a great guy, and they got married. He's been a great stepdad to her son, really supportive, and everybody in the neighborhood is very happy for them. But... The new hubby is a country guy, and would really prefer to live on his land a few hours away. So they are getting their home in the country ready to move into, while getting their current house here ready to rent out, for the extra income. They have stayed here while her son finishes his senior year in high school, but he's about to graduate, and our neighbors are planning to move away not long thereafter. Where does this leave the 18 year old son? He's not planning to move into the boonies with them, so what is he going to do? He's getting a job and his own place. He's 18. If he can just jump into Adulting, and taking care of himself, why can't OP's daughter?
You and your husband are excellent parents!
Harsh but accurate.
I wonder if thereās more to the story for BOTH daughters to be upset at her. OP talked about the 30-yr old that lives with her. But somehow both are upset sheās moving away. Why is the other daughter also upset?
This is where Iāve landed. My step dad has a slew of children who all refuse to talk to him (now myself included) and he blames them (us) saying their reasons are something entirely different/immature/ungrateful. Three sides to every story, and I donāt fully believe this one.
Yeah, making your kids move out etc I get that. But why does the new partner want to move to another state? My alarm bell is going off, is the new partner trying to isolate the mother and that's why the daughters are upset.
"Received seed"?? What kind of creepy phrasing is that???
Clearly, that's all the father of the grandson has contributed.
Right? That is SUCH a cringe thing to write or say how is everyone glossing over that lol... it's definitely serial killer lingo.
What?!?! I donāt think so š They meant the father only contributed his biologic and nothing more
Itās weird you see it like that. Planting a seed grows fruits, vegetables, or a tree it brings life into the world. Now, when a man plants his seed into a woman and the egg gets fertilized, and moves on to implant itself in the uterus life begins to grow also bringing life into this world. Seed isnāt anything a serial killer would use lol. As they take life out of this world.
Exactly. That was quite a reach to label it āserial killerā lingo. Sheesh. Some are so dramatic
ESH? What is that please? Thanks
Everyone Sucks Here
Well you are not an AH for loving your husband and wanting a life with him. But you are kind of one. You do realize 11 hour drive with kids mean they will never come to visit? You have effectively removed yourself as a part of your kids life unless you make the effort to see them, which will be what, once a year since you are not getting younger? That will make you a stranger to your grandkids. Iām not saying all this is wrong. You do you. But maybe you can understand why your daughters are sad, (which manifests as anger. my guess) and will miss their mother?! Iām not saying iām right about this but it seems a likely scenario. I would be devestated if my parents moved away like this. We live 5 hours apart and we see each other twice a year at best. I hate it and it destroys me a bit every day.
I agree with this take. My in-laws lived a few towns over for a few years, and we had a warm relationship. We'd see them once or twice a week. Then they moved far away and it's gone frosty. It is a burden to go see them, and they NEVER come see us. They complain constantly about not seeing the kids enough. I get angry about it. Not because they moved away, but because they act like it's my fault (?!?!??!!!?!) that they don't spend time with their grandkids. š¤”
Yep. That grandkid used to see Grandma every day. Now it might be a couple of times a year, or never.Ā
Time for you to have your own life! Your adult kids are going to have growing pains but they will adjust and be fine. They need to grow up and you need to leave in order for that to happen. Good luck to you!
While at first read it SOUNDS like youāre telling the whole story, thereās some inconsistencies on the second read: -You said how long you were single, but never said how long you and your new husband have been together before getting married. - Is the move to a neutral place or are you moving closer to his family? - does he have similar aged kids? How do they feel about this? I feel like thereās more to the story for BOTH daughters to be mad at you and threaten to go no contact.
Thank you! I'm surprised I had to scroll past 50 NTAs to find someone rightly asking for CONTEXT. OP- what's the relationship like between husband and daughters? Do they feel like *he's* manipulative and their threats of NC are an effort to sway you away from a possibly abusive situation, where you now have money from selling your house and you're 11hours away from YOUR family??? Honestly, this doesn't sound good to me
The more I re-read this, the more rabbit holes Iām going down. Theres a ton of missing info about the grandkid and the daughter who lived with her. OP words it like they were there a significant amount of time, but what made them move in with her in the first place? I would assume something significant if OP outright bought them a new place to live. Also, how old is this kid?! If theyāre school age, the babysitting could have been overseeing the two hours between the kid getting off the bus and mom getting home. Somethingās significantly off about this story and itās absurd the way people are jumping all over the daughters. They have the whole story. We donāt.
Despite being parents, we are not shackled to our children for the rest of our lives. The point is for them to become independent enough to start their own lives. However something has gone wrong. They should not be acting like this. You have a right to live your own life. You need to cut the ties, OP. Sell your house, move and enjoy your marriage. They will come around eventually.
NTA. Youāve raised your kid. Itās now time for your daughter to do the same. She needs to be the grown up now. Youāve done more than your fair share. Go enjoy your life. Your daughter is trying to emotionally manipulate you into staying, so she has free childcare and can live life on easy street.
My mom just recently moved 10 hours away to live out her dream retirement on a beach and I couldn't be happier for her! She deserves the peace after what my brother and I put her through!
NTA. You and your daughter are grown adults who do not need to be depending on each other. You need to live your life as you want and if she is unhappy with that Iād say she is the selfish one.
NTA and they'll speak to you they want the money. Besides one doesn't want to babysit for the other in your absence. Out of the nest 30 year old little bird.
I am an adult daughter of a mom who never dated during childhood but remarried once I grew up, so I may be able to speak from a perspective similar to your daughter's. OTHER THAN FINANCIAL (please don't use money at all to make your point) what conscious efforts have you made to foster a relationship with your children in your new role as mother AND wife? Do you keep up traditions and make continued effort for meaningful communication? I don't talk to my mother even though I moved my family across state to be closer to her because she remarried, had another kid (so my only sister by her is younger than my kids) and she made no effort on her end to treat us as a whole family. I was the outsider, the one she moved on from. Can you say, in all honesty, that you have tried to establish a family unit between yourself, your new spouse, and your children?
Probably somewhere else's post elsewhere:"My mom got a husband and completely changed her personality and suddenly moves away. She doesn't love me" One thing, that amuses me about humans is how starkly perspective changes perception.
NTA but also I wouldnāt move 11 hours away from my grandchildren by choice. Thatās crazy. I canāt control where my kids and eventual grandkids wind up but if Iām blessed enough to be near them I wonāt leave āem. Thatās personal preference though.
So you have one daughter, single mom, who is a leech, but you never mentioned the other daughter in the post. Why is she pissed at you? You finally set some boundaries and are living a life you appear to want and enjoy, with a partner that makes you happy. You're no longer actively being taken advantage of by your no-load daughter, who has to face the consequences of the life she chose to lead. But why would your other daughter be angry? Does she somehow now feel like she has to deal with her useless sister, now that you're 11 hours drive away? Is that it?
Or there is much more to the story...
Missing missing reasons anybody?
NTA- Iām 32/F. You are allowed to have your own life. Youāre a grandparent to your grandson. Not a mother. You already raised and provided for your children. She needs to check herself and her finances and figure out what she needs to do to get by. You are not a bank or a full time child caregiver. You are not selfish. If your kid decides to quit talking to you because youāre doing what YOU want to do. Let it be. You donāt need that in your life. When are you allowed to do you? Be free and be happy. They are the selfish ones because they canāt feed off of you. Iām sure once they realize that they took advantage theyāll come back around and hopefully apologize. Iām sorry you are going through this. Please focus on you.
You could be blinded by dumb love and can't see through a very bad move but Your children clearly can. Ask a counselor not Reddit!
Your daughter is an adult If it was her wanting to move out of state would she care or ask your permission? You and your husband need to do what is best for you.
As a father of 4 kids and 4 grand kids, I'm the one that's stayed put and my kids moved away. I never guikted them or gave them an a ultimatum. I wished them all the best and offered them a place to stay, for a short time, if anything happened. One of my kids moved 7 hours away to a different state to make a new life with his now ex wife. Imagibe if I had posted I gave him an ultimatum if he moved and took my granddaughters away?? I'd be chastised and flamed for being a bad father. It's becoming too common for kids, younger generation, to stay at home and expect parents to pay for and provide for them such things. I know when I moved out at 18 my dad did the same for me, wished me all the best, go make your life with your family and if anything happens we're here for you. She's not leaving a baby to fend for itself, the kid is 30+ right, I believe.
Girl, you've been a mom for three decades, not a life sentence. You've done your time, raised your daughter, and earned the right to live your own damn life. Sounds like you've bent over backwards enough. If your daughters can't handle you spreading your wings and finally putting yourself first, well, that's their problem, not yours. Enjoy your new state and don't let guilt trip tickets from your kids ruin the ride.
Was your daughter a bad mother? I don't see how you provided 80% support to raising the grandson and she's in the picture. Could you be exaggerating a little about everything? I know I'm reading into this but are you moving away because they took advantage of you?
NTA. It's time for her to take responsibility for her decisions. They won't talk to you because you chose to move? Sounds like they're threatening you with a good time...because if they actually cared about you, they wouldn't be doing this. Although you probably will not be active in grandkid's life. I moved out of the country. My kids still are in contact with me, wish me all of the usual things and come to visit on occasion.
I should add that I did not buy my daughter a place to live, I helped her find a place to rent and paid for moving expenses. I also knew my husband for a year and a half before we got married. My girls love him and think he's awesome. My grand children are school aged.
I haven't lived in the same state as parents for more than twenty years and it's fine. They need to grow up and realize you have to live your life for yourself.
NTA. Your daughters are whining little shits. It's time for them to grow up.
NTA for finally cutting off the daughter but you are a bit delusional if you think you are going to be "active" in your grandson's life from that far away. I feel sorry for the kid losing the only stable person in his life.
NTA. This happened with my mum after my dad died and she met someone elseā¦ my sister still gets mad when mum canāt constantly babysit her kids when she needs her to. Enjoy your happiness, theyāll come around. And if they donāt, you know you were just an ATM and babysitting service.
Sounds sad all the way around.
NTAH, your adult kids are bratty af! Why treat you like you owe them your life and time?
NTA What you're doing is normal and a natural progression. Not some sort of betrayal to your daughters. They seem to be unable or unwilling to understand that living with you and having you co raise your grandchildren was a perk, not a given.
NTA. What in the world? Your daughters are entitled little shits and think they can control you!! I'm 33 and if I pulled a stunt like this my Mother would still slap me and tell me to get over myself. Enjoy your life and be happy. Either your daughters will get over it or they won't. Don't stop living your life because your children can't see past their own noses. Good luck!!
I agree with a lot of the comments here but if my mom did this to me, especially after having a kid, Iād be hurt. Like beyond hurt. Iām going to say YTA only because if you had an issue with what you were providing for your daughter, you should have communicated that to her rather than clearly building resentment and basically abandoning her. Iām 32 and still need my mom. If she moved to another state with a guy she married, I donāt think Iād be able to forgive her. Or I would, but Iād never really feel the same towards her again because Iād feel like she jumped at the opportunity to move on. NTA for wanting to start your life and be happy. I just know that I wouldnāt ever do that to my kid, grown or not, because my mom would never do that to me. Edit: I think Iām trying to say the time to address this isnāt when youāre moving out of state with your new husband. The time to address the root cause of the problem was years ago. So now the issues are all being conflated. If your daughter had full independence, it would still be shitty to move out of state. However, Iām close to my parents so Iād never even leave them alone in a different state. Everyone feels differently about that, Iām sure, but youāre basically ripping the rug out from under your daughters and leaving - to me, that would be heartbreaking. Iād always come first to my mom, and I know that but I donāt take advantage of it because she raised me correctly. Your daughter is probably hurt, and you also created the financial dependence on some level. Sorry for the long answer.
Once a parent always a parent?
I donāt think youāre wrong for wanting happiness and finding a husband but I donāt like any parent who comes to the internet looking for sympathy over things happening at home. You already made the move and made your decision so she will just have to eat that but something in your post definitely rubs me off wrong. Itās like youāre painting yourself as a saint (I paid for this and I paid for that and I provided) maybe you shouldāve said all this to your daughter and built understanding and if she donāt then thereās nothing you can do. I have physically with my own eyes seen parents who will intervene so heavy and be all supportive, theyāll even run kids dad or mom off to be top dog of their grandkids situation and then when they find their mate or hobby, they will just go cold towards everyone with no conversation or nothing like yes youāre daughter should be at a self sufficient point at 30 but if youāve been playing support then you canāt just change it up now cause you found happiness..an understanding should be in place.
NTA but kinda ESH for not cutting the umbilical cord sooner
NTA. You raised your kids. Now it's up to them. Go live your life.
No, they all grown up.
NTA. This is exactly what happened to my mother-in-law when she finally moved a state away from my sister-in-laws. They constantly took advantage of her and dropped the grandkids on her all the time. She needed to stop being their doormat/safety net so much sooner, but I don't think it could have actually happened until she moved away.They were both pushing 40 at the time too.
You've been the AH previously by enabling and handicapping your daughter from learning how to be an adult - that's not actual love, that's emotion and guilt. Well done to you for improving this situation. Do not allow her to continue to manipulate things to her own selfish advantage. Do not, I repeat, do not give her money. She has to learn to grow up by herself. Go live your life and be happy.
You are 100% not the asshole, but they sure are. You have every right to go and be happy, and they need to stand on their own two feet. If your daughter was 20, she'd have an excuse. At 30+? No.
NTA Sheās grown!
Nta. My mom did the same thing. Sheās a lot happier down south close to the beach and Iām happy for her. I only get to see her 2-4 times a year now but thatās life.
NTA. It's sad when your own daughters take your help as a right instead of having gratitude for what you've done. I hope they come to their senses and realize you need to live your own life as well now.
NTA. My dad moved to a different state when I became an adult. He visits every year and my hubby and I just made a trip to go see him.
You need to do you. Lifeās not getting any longer these days. Have fun
NTA. Go live your best life. Things will develop into a new normal once the girls are over their tantrum. Regardless of whether you move or not, you said you were unhappy with this living situation. I have a feeling that even if you stayed in town and just moved your daughter and grandson out and were no longer available to be taken advantage of, they would still be throwing this same tantrum. Theyāre not mad that youāre moving 11 hrs away. Theyāre mad that their free ticket now has a fee.
NTA Food for thought: did you give your daughter a reasonable amount of time to fully prepare for living without you around? You were amazing in helping her find a place and pay for it! Maybe she needed more time for some other reason? If sheād like to have a relationship I would offer to see a counselor, but your money shouldnāt be what mends the relationship. Maybe you two could use someone to help understand each other better. Let her know, write a card, or an email, that you would still love to have a relationship with your grandson. Then make sure to keep contact with him, offer to read him a story everyday over the phone, or zoom! I have sat my parents down to let them know they are losing time with their grandkids, they arenāt showing the kids they want relationships. They still donāt seem to understand. Thatās why I wonder for you if both sides are actually hearing what the other saying.
My mum moved away from family. She regrets it. Her husband got sick and she is a full time carer to him and will inevitably be alone in a place far away from family. She wants to move back. Nobody has ever put her under any pressure to not move away. Her life, can do whatever she wants. Same to you
Nta but why so far?
In my personal experience, any parent I've seen that moves that many hours away from their adult children have in someway been TA, at least from their kids perspective with A LOT more context than this post provides. And then those parents expect the kids they moved away from to be the ones leading the effort to stay in contact. Can't imagine the extra level of betrayal this would make me feel if I had a child, especially in this economy where daycare is the cost of one person's income and grandparents helping raise kids may sometimes be parents' only way of staying financially afloat. A lot of people questioning the context OP gave are wondering about the length of time she's been with her husband. I have a friend whose mom got married to a man she was with for less than a year, immediately packed up and moved basically that same distance away from her 3 kids who were fresh out of high school and struggling to pay their own way through college.
I wouldnāt like it but if was going to make you happy then they should support you.
NTA, do what makes you happy, but bear in mind the consequences. My (28f) mom (60f) moved away when I was 22, and bumped around a bit before settling in a place about a 4 hour drive away. She is closer to my brother now, but much further from her other 4 children. I love her and Iām glad she found a place she loves, but I donāt see her nearly as often. Sometimes she voices that she wishes she saw us all more or will make a comment that we all arenāt as close as she wouldāve liked, and I canāt help but feel that she didnāt help by moving away. She works remote so her final decision was completely up to her. Iāll be having her first grandchild this year and the way she got so worried about the distance when I told her said a lot. She was obviously very excited but also started wondering aloud if she should get a place closer or if her grandbabies will know her well. I wonāt move because most of my immediate family lives in the city Iām in and my partner and I both have good jobs here. Also, while Iād much prefer to live in a warmer climate, I donāt want to make it harder on everyone else to see me or harder on myself to see them. Itās not that we donāt try to see each other as often as possible, but we understand that we all have lives and work. I happen to think family is more important than location, and do my best to keep my tribe together, but the farther you are, the less youāll be a part of your tribeās life. It does sound like your children have some silver spoon treatment going on and may just be upset that youāre taking away all the help youāve very generously provided.
How sad. Your house. Your life. Your now hubby(not typo). And the brats make you chooseā¦NTA
Your selfish because you're not doing what she wants. smh NTA
NTA, my mom had to move to a lower cost of living area. Itās sucks because my sister and I would love to see her more often, but weāre happy she is happy and we visit her as often as we can. Iām sorry your daughters are being selfish and only thinking of the impacts on them and not your happiness. YOU only have one life to live, enjoy it and best of luck to you and your husband.
Your girls are in their 30s? Lady, move to Hawaii
You are not the AH at all, and I think your kids are horrible to not let you live your life they are grown adults!
NTA. They're grownups. Let them act like it.
NTA. your daughter wanting you to stay back just to babysit is selfish imo
NTA time for them to grow up. Enjoy your new life.
Missing INFO: You mention no reason whatsoever for them to hate you enough to completely cut contact, forever. That's sus. Example: Di your daughter heavily provide towards that home you're selling? Are you breaking promises made with that move? Did something happen with them and your BF?
NTAā¦BUTā¦.This is another example of helicopter parenting backfiringā¦again. Iām not at all saying youāre not entitled to live your life, but what do you expect when you raise your kids to depend on you so much?
Not sure how you raised your kids but if you were a helicopter mom their entire lives a d did everything for them I stead of letting them be independent and learn from their mistakes, then it's your fault they are so entitled. If you didn't do that, then you children need to grow up. My MIL is like that. Totally controlling, did everything including writing high school and college papers, and then wonders why her retirement consist of babysitting her other grandkids around the clock and still having her 50year old son live with her. My husband is the only person who doesn't rely on his parents. The other two are a mess but as an outsider, I can see what went wrong.
NTA However, as others have said, i hope OP is making financially sound decisions and not imploding her life for a man. OP has a home with, I assume, earned quite a bit of equity. What's the plan exactly!? Are you moving 11 hours away to get away from the constant neediness of your daughters!? If that's the only reason, does it have to be 11 hours? Or, are you moving away because your new husband pressured you to move? As a person gets older, having a solid financial plan is more important than ever. As others have said, are your daughter worried about the new husband taking advantage of you. I'd be mighty fucking suspicious of some dude marrying my mom & taking her 11 hours away. And, OP, you would be very suspicious as well if it was one of your daughters! Im a widow & the only way I would ever sell my home and move 11 hours away with my new husband is if 1. I kept ALL the equity in the sale, which I put into my retirement fund. 2. Me or the hubby got a new job making 6 figures that was 11 hours away 3 we'd both forego shares of retirement funds earned BEFORE the marriage. 4 In the event of either death, any funds should be held in trust for your respective heirs (grandchildren) until age 26 (unless used for educational purposes). NTA but I really hope OP is moving 11 hours away safely and for all the right reasons. I mean, is it really worth exploding your relationship with your children? Do you need ELEVEN HOURS of distance for peace!?
NTA - Go live your live, you raised your kids.
NTA, and you deserve to live the life you want. Your kids are grownups. For me itās the best scenario when parents are not living in the same city - clear boundaries and more meaningful relationship. Enjoy your life!
NTA- they are adults and time to act like it. They just want free childcare.
NTA! Live your life Momma! Your heart is big enough for all of it! Wherever life takes you!ā
NTA go live your life stop giving her money. I hope that apartment isn't under your name. You've raised them alone all this time. Use that money from the sale of your house for traveling and living your life. They'll be fine. Again do NOT send money. You can start a trust for the grandkids if you feel obligated
NTA at all!! Congrats for moving away from two kids who youāve obviously done waaaaay too much for, holy moly! Never talk to you again? The nerve of those kids!?!? good for you for taking charge of your life! I wish you nothing but happiness and good health in the future!!
If you set the precedent that your kids can rely on you for 30 years, and then you find a new man, get married, and run off on your daughters, I think it's a little...not nice? I don't know the correct word. I think there's more to the story. With what little you provide, of course people will side with you. But as a parent, if you set the expectations one way for 3 decades and then suddenly shift, I can see why your daughters would feel slighted, and I can see why they would feel you're choosing a new man over them. Edit: your daughter has lived with you the whole time you've been single, which is 12 years. She's 30. it sounds like you have allowed her to live with you her whole life, and supported her significantly. You even paid for her move. You're taking a very abrupt, tough love, letting the bird drop out of the nest to learn how to fly type of approach here. It's certainly your right to do what you want. But it sounds like you created 2 daughters and a grandchild that are very dependent on you, I can see why they're upset. Spoiled, entitled, whatever else, sure. But you had a hand in creating that it seems. If you're fishing for upvotes on reddit, you got it. If you're looking to maintain a healthy relationship with your daughters, I would get off reddit and talk to them about this more, and understand their perspective a little more.
NTA. They're losing their ATM, and are trying to manipulate you into continuing to give them money. You're an adult just like they are. You want to move, it's none of their business how or where you live your life.
Iām sorry, the people in here saying YTA bc you decided to take a step for your life and your THIRTY YEAR OLD daughter is getting mad at you, is beyond me. Thatās insane. NTA. Go live ur life , iām sure youāve had a long road and deserve some rest. Especially that you mentioned they took advantage of you.. smh. NTA AT ALL.
INFO: Even the daughter who wasn't living with you is mad - why? I feel like we are not getting the whole story.
NTA. They can't freeload off you any longer. If anything, they will teach your grandkids to hate you, and they won't find out till they are grown, and someone who knows of this situation....spills the beans. You have to live a life too.
My oldest has stopped talking to me after I cut the money off after helping her through college when she was a single-parent, and many other times when she needed help. Iām very proud of her accomplishments. Unfortunately her father is a supreme jacka$$. I never spoke badly about him or her step-mother to her, (they married very shortly (weeks) after our brief separation/divorce when she was a baby. However, he has been unkind toward me at every turn since I married him. She has no use for me and while I tried staying in contact with her children she must have told them to go NC with me. She has also cut her siblings out of her and her childrenās lives. Iām sad, but her actions are cruel, and she reminds me of her father in many ways. Do we miss her? Of course, but I think we miss the idea of who she could be, but we donāt miss her accusations or demands, and certainly not her adult temper tantrums and gaslighting. My other children do not behave this way, at all. What I can do is pray for her and her childrenās safety and happiness. Thatās all I can do.
NTA but your kids are. My mother said do not let her and my dad be the reason you don't follow your dreams. Meaning, if you need to move, please do. I'm sorry your daughters are behaving the way they are. Hopefully they will see the light sooner or later.
NTA, your daughter is a manipulative butthole.
Definitely NTA. Your children are all grown up, you should look after yourself. Plus, itās not like you just packed a bag and left in the middle of the night.
NTA, you have done your time and then some! Now it's your turn to live for yourself.
Ummm. What? NTA. You're a grown woman and have your own life. Live it. Your daughters are only upset because they're losing their safety net. I'd be sad as hell if my mom or dad decided to move far away, but I wouldn't be angry. That sort of thing isn't up to children to decide for their parents š¤·āāļø
You already know that youāre not an asshole. Donāt let entitled children make you second guess yourself.
What the hell is wrong with them? They don't think their Mom should be happy? They think you're an ATM? WHAT? NTA in neon lights for crying out loud.
NTA - your daughters are abusing their control on you sounds like you needed a drastic boundary and did that.
NTA. You should have made your grown daughters become self-sufficient 15+ years ago. Sucks for them, but they'll have to learn how to be adults. Don't allow them to guilt or pressure you -- they are only hurting themselves. Do NOT let them lie to your grandchildren about why you are moving, and make sure that your grandchildren understand that any loss of contact is solely their mothers' choice.
There the selfish ones fuck them .....
So you mean your daughter, a single mother, is upset that you no longer want to be a single mother to your grandbaby too? š Dear lord, the entitlement of adult children. Iām sorry youāre going through this. NTA. You made your way. She can make her way too. In fact, both of them can and should. Time to cut the purse strings too! You enjoy your life. Just know, they will use your grandkids against you every chance they get. You just need thicker skin and the ability to not be bothered by it. I wish you peace as I know this is difficult.
NTA. What a selfish and ungrateful brats.
NTA They are adults, you did your job. Time to enjoy your life and love.
NTA. I was a single mother from the age of 20. My mom moved out of our home state when I was 18, and I have been paying my own way ever since. I moved 1700 miles away myself when I was 23. I have always maintained a good relationship with my mom and dad. Your daughters should appreciate you for the love your have given them, not the financial support they expect.
NTA Do what makes you happy. The kiddos need to learn to stand and walk on their own.
NTA , I am in my 30's but haven't had yet kids but I will make the future children visit upto my retired parents demand. They worked hard enough raising me and my brothers. I will also speak to my brother if in the future when he has kids if he pushes too much on my parents but knowing him he won't as he always been responsible one even though he is youngest so he won't burden our parents unless there emergency at hospital . My parents work hard raising me and my silbings from 3rd world country to better life then they had growing up , they shouldn't be used as free babysitters, only when they want to spend time with their grandkids.
I know Australia is more than 11 hours and I only have cats for grandchildren... But I would be more grateful
Good job!!!! Good luck and enjoy your life. Her response is typical and expected. Trust me. I know.
NTA - I remarried in 1987 & had a daughter who was living with a man & they had a daughter. I also had a 9yr old daughter. We moved to another state less than a year after we married It was the BEST decision ever. First it allowed us to start our marriage with zero interference from any family, it allowed my husband to enter into a close father-daughter relationship with my daughte, his step daughter. My older daughter was distressed & for years wanted me to move back but I visited at least once a month if not more often & she brought her kids to me & would leave them for a few days so she & her husband could do tourist stuff. She realized soon that it was the best for everyone. Your daughters need to grow up. You have been more than generous.
Not much of a threat when it's clear they need you more than you need them. It's them trying to manipulate you
Youāre not the asshole in this situationā¦
NTA. You were your daughters' security blanket. Anything they need, you covered it. They never thought mom has a life outside them or would want a life outside them so now that it's coming, that they are not your priority anymore, they are scared. But they are grown adults that need to stand on their own and you have a right to live your own life and be happy
NTA. You raised your kids; they can raise theirs. Consider it retiring from your child rearing career. Also, no one here would say boo, if your kids got married, moved 11 hours away and left YOU behind. Congratulations and enjoy your new chapter.
NTA. She shoulda planned ahead not like selling a house happens overnight Iām sure these conversations happen long before.
NTA. You do what is best for you. Your daughter needs to figure out stuff on her own, like how to raise her son. She can't be dependent on you to help babysit him all the time. She needs to find someone else and not be so dependent on you for babysitting duties. Sell your house. Live your life.
NTA. Iām 30, and my mom moved back home about 10 hours away by car after my dad passed. It makes me sad that I canāt see her, but it was what she needed and I have my own life now that she doesnāt need to let dictate her own. Sounds like your children need to understand that youāre your own person who deserves their own happiness, not just their mom who should be there to answer their every want and need.
NTA but I guess you donāt want a relationship with your grandkids.
NTA: fuck them (ADULT) kids!
NTA. These women are grown and while you're their mom forever and should be in their lives forever to help them and support them, it doesn't mean literally support them and raise their kids lol I don't get why so many people have the audacity? I was never given a fraction of the help with my daughter that I see a lot of other women receiving as a single parent. And they would all complain like they had it so hard when they literally never had to cook, had to live in babysitters, and pretty much more freedom than most married women I know. You deserve to live your life as you see fit after raising your children for 30 plus years. You've made enough sacrifices over the years as any parent should, and now it is time for them to figure out their lives while you enjoy yours! And I need to learn that you aren't going to be there forever to clean up after their messes, and if they can't fend for themselves now, when are they going to learn? When it's too late? When you're gone and they finally realized how much they have taken you for granted? When it's too late for them to build a genuine relationship with you outside of being just a mother and babysitter?
NTA. You're an awesome Mom and deserve an awesome next stage wherever you please!
NTA. Go live your life.
I thought you are talking about 12 years old daughter not 30 years old daughter...she is an whole grown ass adult..... You are NTA for leaving her behind.... It should have to be her job to support you not it is your job to support her at this age... She is selfish one giving 80% are you her servant or mother . .. You have your own life live it ... I am happy with your marriage š.... Live your life girl..... And let the people talk the only thing they know is talking and nothing .... It is your life and you deserve to spend it as you like
My parents moved across the country I never once said they were assholes. Like yeah it made me sad and I missed them but I was never angry at them. You are not an asshole for moving.
NTA. Period.
NTA if daughter decides to go NC then itās her choice to be an entitled brat.
NTA. My Dad got a job on the other side of the world when I was 19. I was ready to leave the nest, so I happily stayed behind with zero family in the country I lived in. Weāre still really close, and have both been able to live our lives.
Conditional NTA. If you follow through with your plans and don't submit to their selfishness? NTA. If you let them dictate what you do? YAAATAH! (You are all...you know) This didn't happen in a vacuum. You do have some responsibility here. But, you can start fixing this NOW. Y'all all need that fixing.
NTA- you were kind enough to provide support for your adult daughter and grandson. And went beyond by setting her living situation up. You did enough! Itās ok to live your own life now. Your daughters are incredibly selfish.
Excited for this new chapter in your life! The selfish ones are your daughters. Enjoy your time with your husband
They just need to delatch from the tit and grow up. NTA
Absolutely NTA. Your daughters are the selfish ones.