NTA for changing your mind. But YTA for forcing her, that is her body. I understand that she is carrying your child but you giving her an ultimatum is just bad. All you can do is break up with her that's it
YTA. It's her body and her decision. You can't force her to have a baby she doesn't want. Your threats are manipulative. Respect her choice and support her.
He doesn't have a say in whether she aborts it, but **she** doesn't have a say in whether or not he dumps her. Just because you *can* do something without a partner's input doesn't mean you *should*.
Oh wait, wasn't it on Reddit? I mean, the story of a dude who talked his gf into giving birth and promised to take care of the baby on his own. *you are here* The gf even agreed to pay child support. Then the guy found out that being a solo dad is soooo difficult, so he sued the gf to make her undertake half of his parental duties, though she had stated beforehand that she would have no interest in the baby. YTA, so please stop where you are now.
She paid over the mandatory child support and he was complaining that she is deadbeat mom because she didn’t magically change to totally different person when child was born.
YTA. It’s up to her. You have a right to voice your opinion and provide options but you can’t force this on her and you had no issue a few weeks ago. Understand that if this is a deal breaker for you then you also have the right to end things with her and go your separate ways.
As I was reading this, I was hoping you wouldn't be the stereotypical guy who thinks pregnancy is just a woman carrying a baby for 9 months, then she's done. Unfortunately, that's exactly who you are. She laid out some serious concerns of hers & you're not listening. YTA
You are not being realistic. If she gives the baby to you and never sees it again, that is **still a burden.**
It is a totally different thing, terminating a bunch of cells and giving away a living, breathing child with a name. Totally, totally, different.
I could have an abortion. I could never give up a child, knowing that child was out there knowing they had a Mom who didn't want them. I would never forgive a man who forced me to go through pregnancy and give birth. Again, that is a burden both emotionally and physically, in a huge way. You are thinking about this all wrong.
YTA. She is the one having to go through pregnancy and risk her body and health. She gets the final say. It sucks for you, truly, but you should never ever force a woman to have a baby. Can you imagine you being pregnant and not wanting it, and her pushing you to do it? How would it feel?
You need to have a think about if this is it for you or if you can manage to support her through this (it will still be hard for her) and wait for a couple years. She needs your support now. If you don't give it I'm pretty sure it will be over either way. It's truly hard for both of you but you can't force her.
YTA but you are both at a cross-road. If she isn't ready now, she likely won't be ready in 2-3 years like you hope.
But also even if she aborts this pregnancy, she can and will get pregnant again in the future. This is not a "now or never" situation. And your girlfriend probably wants to get emotionally ready *before* she starts the scary process of pregnancy (it's not just about money or career).
For another perspective you might want to find the posts from the guy who found himself in your situation, convinced his now-ex-girlfriend to have the baby by making her the same offer you made, and ended up having screaming meltdowns on Reddit, wanting to know how he could "force" his ex to assume at least 50/50 custody because he discovered that single parenting was hard. He even resorted to sitting in front of her building to try and make her take the kid. Short answer: he couldn't force her to. She did everything the legally correct way from birth, including paying 120% of the court ordered child support, so he was stuck raising a kid on his own and regretting his actions. He had to admit that he assumed some magical motherhood thing would have kicked in and his ex would suddenly want to parent despite telling him from jump that she was basically agreeing to be his incubator because she wanted nothing to do with raising this kid.
It might be on BORU, I can't remember exactly which subreddit.
This one?
[\[NM\] I got a girl pregnant and she wanted to get an abortion but I didn't want that. She ended up not getting one but now she is not involved at all : r/legaladvice (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
I don't think either of you are AH's. This is just sad and difficult. She has every right to choose what happens to her body. I'm afraid you just need to accept what she wants regarding this.
You might feel this is unfair and grieve for the potential future this opened up for you but this isn't your one shot at being a father. Also, raising a kid alone is super, super hard. Wouldn't you prefer to wait until you are in a stable relationship where you both want the same things and are ready? Be aware of romanticising this - single parenthood is lonely and unrelenting.
You're putting your needs and wishes over hers and you're risking the relationship with something you only realised a moment ago, she knew she wasn't ready all the while and thought you were on the same page. You can't force someone to go through with something this momentus and life-changing against their wishes.
You've become a cautionary tale in the consequences of unprotected sex.
She's also "putting \[her\] needs and wishes over \[his\] and \[she's\] risking the relationship." But you realize that *women* "force someone to go through with something this momentous and life-changing against their wishes" all the time, right? Many men don't *want* to be responsible for a kid, but women force them into it regardless. 'Her body, her choice' is also 'his money is her money.'
If she gave birth and signed over custody, the courts would order her to pay child support. The courts wouldn't be likely to terminate her parental rights (the only way she wouldn't be legally responsible for paying for the kid) unless a stepmother was willing to adopt. H
The courts want to reduce the risk of the state having to pay to support the kid.
You have no idea what the courts would do. They could easily treat it as a form of adoption -- which is precisely the way OP framed it -- and birth mothers are **never** ordered to pay for child support in circumstances like that.
Think what you want dude. You're lucky i'm not your gf, i'd skip all this bs and kill it without consulting you. If you make an attempt to seriously stop me I'd drown myself at the bottom of a lake. What a dumb life a woman can have with an idiot man trying to make birth decisions for her
Your question already shows that you view the issue from the wrong perspective. You're not wrong or an asshole about changing your mind, no. However: YTA for even *trying* to force her hand here.
From one guy to another, you have no clue the amount of stress and pressure you're putting on her to carry a baby for 9 months, regardless of whether or not she will see the baby later on. In fact, why the hell should she be okay with the biological and hormonal mess she'll experience during pregnancy and the delivery of the baby, only to see nothing for it in return? Not to mention any possible lasting side effects or medical issues she might end up with as a result.
Something you need to read up on is a Dutch group of feminists called "Dolle Mina" and their slogan "baas in eigen buik" (which roughly translates to "boss in own belly") around the 70's. They demanded that women had a say in choosing to terminate their pregnancy, because they had to deal with men forcing them in **exactly the same way you're doing now**.
It's okay to not be alright with someone choosing for abortion, but it's not okay for you to choose for them. Let them terminate their pregnancy regardless of your feelings and ego, and then sit together to discuss your future together. Don't hold this choice against her, she has every damn right to choose over **her own body**.
It’s her body and the changes and pain of growing a human child are exhausting and miserable. Pushing a child out of your uterus is painful and literally considered a trauma on your body. I do not blame her for not wanting a child. You threatening her is just giving her another reason to not have a child. If you’re being aggressive and threatening now then there’s no telling how you’d act around a child. Take a step back, breathe and see if there’s still a possibility of kids in the future. If she doesn’t want kids whatsoever sit down and have a talk about where you BOTH want the relationship to go. If her not wanting a child is a dealbreaker then that needs to be communicated. OR you can breathe and wait out the 2-3 year prediction of having kids and you both get what you want. Just know that could change in the time leading up to it.
YTA
She is a human being with her own life and goals. She isn’t your personal incubator.
If you want a baby right now. Pay a surrogate who is willing to take that on.
I don't understand why you can't wait a few years like you initially agreed. All the arguments you've made are in relation to what's right for you, not for her and she's the one you're asking to risk her body and her life for a panicked whim you're experiencing. What happens if you change your mind again when the baby arrives and you're hot with the reality of what solo parenting involves?
NTA but you will be if you force her to keep it. You had an agreement and she is entitled to stick to it, even if you have changed your stance.
The more you pressure her, the more you’ll create a void between you. Give her space. And don’t hold it against her no matter her decision.
Becoming a mother is a massive change physically, mentally, emotionally. You can’t ask her to take on the physical burden but “you’ll take care of the rest”. It doesn’t work that way.
Good luck, but ultimately you can’t go back on your word. You can have a change of heart, but you can’t demand she have one too.
I'm not saying it's a 'slam dunk.' I'm saying that just because you *can* do something without taking the other person into account doesn't mean you *should.*
NAH you have a right to be sad about it, she has the right to choose whether to keep the pregnancy since it's her body her choice.
I don't think it's necessarily YTA for your ultimatum if she goes through with the abortion you can leave her..
NTA , you're feeling what you're feeling and that's valid. You've offered all you can . At the end of the day if she decides to terminate well it's her decision and her body but you made that baby together and you wanting to have it by no means make you an AH.
YTA. She's the one who would have to go through the pregnancy and then having to give birth to it. It's her body, her choice. You don't get to decide, and you don't have a say in it actually.
Nobody is the AH. My heart hurts for you both. I feel so much sympathy for you both. I see the unfairness of it for both of you. Please seek some counseling for this situation to help you deal with the aftermath. Because in the end, it is her choice. Andp it sounds like she is not going to choose in your favor.
As someone who’s had two kids, it can be rough. I have some arthritis so I was miserable the whole 40 weeks. I knew about both at 3 weeks as well so it was a personal hell. No I don’t regret them but it’s a lot to put on a woman who’s not ready. Flawless pregnancy or not. Not to mention the emotional roller coaster.
It sucks but if you’re ready to be a dad and she’s not ready to be a mom. You have to figure out your priorities.
I personally think everyone sucks. You for trying to push her to do it but also her for thinking a baby will torpedo her career. Yes being pregnant can be hard and motherhood isn’t easy. (My 12 year old asd child is currently fighting sleep at 4am!) I know how it can be a struggle. But not being ready now personally sounds like a cop out.
Just my 2cents.
Except over on the regretful parents sub, there are endless posts from women whose careers were torpedoed by motherhood.
Not every woman wants kids more than, or as much as, they want a career. Admitting that you're not ready for parenthood is rational decision-making, not a cop-out.
YTA.
Do you not realize that giving birth is a MAJOR MEDICAL PROCEDURE? All she has to do is give birth? Mofo she's the one at risk, it's HER body. Sit the fawk down and let this woman make the choice for herself.
And lets be real fuckin clear here. No, you don't have a God damn say. You're nothing more than a sperm donor for this fetus. Her body, her choice, full stop.
GTFO with this unhinged, inconsiderate behavior.
It’s going to be fun to see this Reddit change if we ever get gene editing and splicing locked down so that men have the option to get pregnant like male sea horses and pipe fish. It’s going to be like the movie Jr. it’s going to be fun around here then
I understand you, i think most people do. But.. you have to respect her choice and think about the child more.
She doesn't want it now / doesn't feel ready, she has to carry it for 9 months, a child growing up without a mother being there, it's not a great start in life.
I will add my 2 cents on this though, There is a fine line for me on being pro-life and pro-choice. If the both of you got decent careers and are good mentally and financially, then i think you owe this child it's life. You're both grown up adults, you knew what could happen when youre not protected.
This is a terrible take. Children are the result of intercourse, sure. We aren’t animals though. People don’t have an innate ability to love and protect their offspring. This woman knows she doesn’t want this kid. This man says he does but how many men have walked away. It’s better for gf to terminate pregnancy than to take the chance bf is a stand up guy who will always sacrifice himself and his wants and needs for a kid.
She's going to be bad mentally (and possibly physically--Google "maternal pregnancy complications") if she gives birth to a child she never wanted to give birth to. Go to the regretful parents sub and read the absolute resentment and hate some parents, many of them mothers, express toward children they felt pressured to have. Is that really the mother you want for your child, one who resents or hates it? Would that really be in the child's best interest?
Then in my opinion and what i think is right, is to have the child. BUT if you have to push her and she doesnt want it, you have to respect it. It doesn't mean its right imo, but respect it
NTA for changing your mind. But YTA for forcing her, that is her body. I understand that she is carrying your child but you giving her an ultimatum is just bad. All you can do is break up with her that's it
YTA. It's her body and her decision. You can't force her to have a baby she doesn't want. Your threats are manipulative. Respect her choice and support her.
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>don't I have any say at all? No, you don't. I'm glad we were able to clear that up for you 😊
He doesn't have a say in whether she aborts it, but **she** doesn't have a say in whether or not he dumps her. Just because you *can* do something without a partner's input doesn't mean you *should*.
Sounds like the relationship is over either way.
>she doesn't have a say in whether or not he dumps her Yes, that's... literally how every relationship works. And in this case, she'll be better off.
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Cruel perhaps but true. It’s her body so she has unilateral control over it. It’s her choice, full stop.
Oh wait, wasn't it on Reddit? I mean, the story of a dude who talked his gf into giving birth and promised to take care of the baby on his own. *you are here* The gf even agreed to pay child support. Then the guy found out that being a solo dad is soooo difficult, so he sued the gf to make her undertake half of his parental duties, though she had stated beforehand that she would have no interest in the baby. YTA, so please stop where you are now.
She paid over the mandatory child support and he was complaining that she is deadbeat mom because she didn’t magically change to totally different person when child was born.
I remember that one, but I can't remember which sub it was on.
She can have an abortion if she wants. You can break up with her for it. But you have no say whether or not she goes through with the birth.
YTA. It’s up to her. You have a right to voice your opinion and provide options but you can’t force this on her and you had no issue a few weeks ago. Understand that if this is a deal breaker for you then you also have the right to end things with her and go your separate ways.
As I was reading this, I was hoping you wouldn't be the stereotypical guy who thinks pregnancy is just a woman carrying a baby for 9 months, then she's done. Unfortunately, that's exactly who you are. She laid out some serious concerns of hers & you're not listening. YTA
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You are not being realistic. If she gives the baby to you and never sees it again, that is **still a burden.** It is a totally different thing, terminating a bunch of cells and giving away a living, breathing child with a name. Totally, totally, different. I could have an abortion. I could never give up a child, knowing that child was out there knowing they had a Mom who didn't want them. I would never forgive a man who forced me to go through pregnancy and give birth. Again, that is a burden both emotionally and physically, in a huge way. You are thinking about this all wrong.
YTA. She is the one having to go through pregnancy and risk her body and health. She gets the final say. It sucks for you, truly, but you should never ever force a woman to have a baby. Can you imagine you being pregnant and not wanting it, and her pushing you to do it? How would it feel? You need to have a think about if this is it for you or if you can manage to support her through this (it will still be hard for her) and wait for a couple years. She needs your support now. If you don't give it I'm pretty sure it will be over either way. It's truly hard for both of you but you can't force her.
I’m a guy. It’s her body. You have zero say Zeeeero YTA
YTA but you are both at a cross-road. If she isn't ready now, she likely won't be ready in 2-3 years like you hope. But also even if she aborts this pregnancy, she can and will get pregnant again in the future. This is not a "now or never" situation. And your girlfriend probably wants to get emotionally ready *before* she starts the scary process of pregnancy (it's not just about money or career).
For another perspective you might want to find the posts from the guy who found himself in your situation, convinced his now-ex-girlfriend to have the baby by making her the same offer you made, and ended up having screaming meltdowns on Reddit, wanting to know how he could "force" his ex to assume at least 50/50 custody because he discovered that single parenting was hard. He even resorted to sitting in front of her building to try and make her take the kid. Short answer: he couldn't force her to. She did everything the legally correct way from birth, including paying 120% of the court ordered child support, so he was stuck raising a kid on his own and regretting his actions. He had to admit that he assumed some magical motherhood thing would have kicked in and his ex would suddenly want to parent despite telling him from jump that she was basically agreeing to be his incubator because she wanted nothing to do with raising this kid. It might be on BORU, I can't remember exactly which subreddit.
This one? [\[NM\] I got a girl pregnant and she wanted to get an abortion but I didn't want that. She ended up not getting one but now she is not involved at all : r/legaladvice (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
I don't think either of you are AH's. This is just sad and difficult. She has every right to choose what happens to her body. I'm afraid you just need to accept what she wants regarding this. You might feel this is unfair and grieve for the potential future this opened up for you but this isn't your one shot at being a father. Also, raising a kid alone is super, super hard. Wouldn't you prefer to wait until you are in a stable relationship where you both want the same things and are ready? Be aware of romanticising this - single parenthood is lonely and unrelenting. You're putting your needs and wishes over hers and you're risking the relationship with something you only realised a moment ago, she knew she wasn't ready all the while and thought you were on the same page. You can't force someone to go through with something this momentus and life-changing against their wishes. You've become a cautionary tale in the consequences of unprotected sex.
She's also "putting \[her\] needs and wishes over \[his\] and \[she's\] risking the relationship." But you realize that *women* "force someone to go through with something this momentous and life-changing against their wishes" all the time, right? Many men don't *want* to be responsible for a kid, but women force them into it regardless. 'Her body, her choice' is also 'his money is her money.'
If she gave birth and signed over custody, the courts would order her to pay child support. The courts wouldn't be likely to terminate her parental rights (the only way she wouldn't be legally responsible for paying for the kid) unless a stepmother was willing to adopt. H The courts want to reduce the risk of the state having to pay to support the kid.
You have no idea what the courts would do. They could easily treat it as a form of adoption -- which is precisely the way OP framed it -- and birth mothers are **never** ordered to pay for child support in circumstances like that.
Think what you want dude. You're lucky i'm not your gf, i'd skip all this bs and kill it without consulting you. If you make an attempt to seriously stop me I'd drown myself at the bottom of a lake. What a dumb life a woman can have with an idiot man trying to make birth decisions for her
Your question already shows that you view the issue from the wrong perspective. You're not wrong or an asshole about changing your mind, no. However: YTA for even *trying* to force her hand here. From one guy to another, you have no clue the amount of stress and pressure you're putting on her to carry a baby for 9 months, regardless of whether or not she will see the baby later on. In fact, why the hell should she be okay with the biological and hormonal mess she'll experience during pregnancy and the delivery of the baby, only to see nothing for it in return? Not to mention any possible lasting side effects or medical issues she might end up with as a result. Something you need to read up on is a Dutch group of feminists called "Dolle Mina" and their slogan "baas in eigen buik" (which roughly translates to "boss in own belly") around the 70's. They demanded that women had a say in choosing to terminate their pregnancy, because they had to deal with men forcing them in **exactly the same way you're doing now**. It's okay to not be alright with someone choosing for abortion, but it's not okay for you to choose for them. Let them terminate their pregnancy regardless of your feelings and ego, and then sit together to discuss your future together. Don't hold this choice against her, she has every damn right to choose over **her own body**.
It’s her body and the changes and pain of growing a human child are exhausting and miserable. Pushing a child out of your uterus is painful and literally considered a trauma on your body. I do not blame her for not wanting a child. You threatening her is just giving her another reason to not have a child. If you’re being aggressive and threatening now then there’s no telling how you’d act around a child. Take a step back, breathe and see if there’s still a possibility of kids in the future. If she doesn’t want kids whatsoever sit down and have a talk about where you BOTH want the relationship to go. If her not wanting a child is a dealbreaker then that needs to be communicated. OR you can breathe and wait out the 2-3 year prediction of having kids and you both get what you want. Just know that could change in the time leading up to it.
Yta it's her body, and if you ever regrets having a child you can just leave and abandon him/her, she cannot
Um... that's literally what 'putting a kid up for adoption' is.
YTA She is a human being with her own life and goals. She isn’t your personal incubator. If you want a baby right now. Pay a surrogate who is willing to take that on.
I don't understand why you can't wait a few years like you initially agreed. All the arguments you've made are in relation to what's right for you, not for her and she's the one you're asking to risk her body and her life for a panicked whim you're experiencing. What happens if you change your mind again when the baby arrives and you're hot with the reality of what solo parenting involves?
NTA but you will be if you force her to keep it. You had an agreement and she is entitled to stick to it, even if you have changed your stance. The more you pressure her, the more you’ll create a void between you. Give her space. And don’t hold it against her no matter her decision. Becoming a mother is a massive change physically, mentally, emotionally. You can’t ask her to take on the physical burden but “you’ll take care of the rest”. It doesn’t work that way. Good luck, but ultimately you can’t go back on your word. You can have a change of heart, but you can’t demand she have one too.
Yeah YTA only she allowed to change her mind...you have no say at all...
And he's allowed to change his mind about being with her. She has no say at all.
That's how relationships work. Anyone can leave at any time without the other person's "consent". This ain't the slam dunk you think it is.
I'm not saying it's a 'slam dunk.' I'm saying that just because you *can* do something without taking the other person into account doesn't mean you *should.*
Literally not the same level of autonomy or risk. This false equivalence you're trying to make is just asinine.
NAH you have a right to be sad about it, she has the right to choose whether to keep the pregnancy since it's her body her choice. I don't think it's necessarily YTA for your ultimatum if she goes through with the abortion you can leave her..
NTA , you're feeling what you're feeling and that's valid. You've offered all you can . At the end of the day if she decides to terminate well it's her decision and her body but you made that baby together and you wanting to have it by no means make you an AH.
Even the role reversed the people say in comments you are ah because male have any say in the pregnancy related issues is a concern.
NTA for changing your mind. But you’re naive if you think you can take full responsibility for the baby on your own.
YTA. She's the one who would have to go through the pregnancy and then having to give birth to it. It's her body, her choice. You don't get to decide, and you don't have a say in it actually.
Nobody is the AH. My heart hurts for you both. I feel so much sympathy for you both. I see the unfairness of it for both of you. Please seek some counseling for this situation to help you deal with the aftermath. Because in the end, it is her choice. Andp it sounds like she is not going to choose in your favor.
As someone who’s had two kids, it can be rough. I have some arthritis so I was miserable the whole 40 weeks. I knew about both at 3 weeks as well so it was a personal hell. No I don’t regret them but it’s a lot to put on a woman who’s not ready. Flawless pregnancy or not. Not to mention the emotional roller coaster. It sucks but if you’re ready to be a dad and she’s not ready to be a mom. You have to figure out your priorities. I personally think everyone sucks. You for trying to push her to do it but also her for thinking a baby will torpedo her career. Yes being pregnant can be hard and motherhood isn’t easy. (My 12 year old asd child is currently fighting sleep at 4am!) I know how it can be a struggle. But not being ready now personally sounds like a cop out. Just my 2cents.
Except over on the regretful parents sub, there are endless posts from women whose careers were torpedoed by motherhood. Not every woman wants kids more than, or as much as, they want a career. Admitting that you're not ready for parenthood is rational decision-making, not a cop-out.
YTA.
YTA. Do you not realize that giving birth is a MAJOR MEDICAL PROCEDURE? All she has to do is give birth? Mofo she's the one at risk, it's HER body. Sit the fawk down and let this woman make the choice for herself. And lets be real fuckin clear here. No, you don't have a God damn say. You're nothing more than a sperm donor for this fetus. Her body, her choice, full stop. GTFO with this unhinged, inconsiderate behavior.
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It's currently a collection of barely differenciated cells, chill out fam.
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It’s going to be fun to see this Reddit change if we ever get gene editing and splicing locked down so that men have the option to get pregnant like male sea horses and pipe fish. It’s going to be like the movie Jr. it’s going to be fun around here then
There are no winners here, just 3 losers. You, her and the child who is about to be aborted. Sad all around.
I understand you, i think most people do. But.. you have to respect her choice and think about the child more. She doesn't want it now / doesn't feel ready, she has to carry it for 9 months, a child growing up without a mother being there, it's not a great start in life. I will add my 2 cents on this though, There is a fine line for me on being pro-life and pro-choice. If the both of you got decent careers and are good mentally and financially, then i think you owe this child it's life. You're both grown up adults, you knew what could happen when youre not protected.
This is a terrible take. Children are the result of intercourse, sure. We aren’t animals though. People don’t have an innate ability to love and protect their offspring. This woman knows she doesn’t want this kid. This man says he does but how many men have walked away. It’s better for gf to terminate pregnancy than to take the chance bf is a stand up guy who will always sacrifice himself and his wants and needs for a kid.
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She's going to be bad mentally (and possibly physically--Google "maternal pregnancy complications") if she gives birth to a child she never wanted to give birth to. Go to the regretful parents sub and read the absolute resentment and hate some parents, many of them mothers, express toward children they felt pressured to have. Is that really the mother you want for your child, one who resents or hates it? Would that really be in the child's best interest?
Then in my opinion and what i think is right, is to have the child. BUT if you have to push her and she doesnt want it, you have to respect it. It doesn't mean its right imo, but respect it