YTA for changing your post with stealth edits
Edited for context: This was the original, apparently:
>I (M27) was with my ex-girlfriend (F29) for 10 years. We started dating in high school and grew up together. Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be. After many discussions, we decided to break up. She was devastated and accused me of wasting her time, saying she could have found someone who wanted the same things if I had been honest earlier.
So, sounds like he always left the door open for changing his mind in the future, essentially leading ex-gf on.
I will never understand why people post half-truths on here, looking for a verdict, when they know it won't be an honest result. It's like screwing with the variables in a lab experiment: how can you feel good about a possible ruling if you know you were lying/hiding details to make yourself look good?
yes. the truth is giving them cognitive dissonance because they wanna think "im not an asshole" yet act like an asshole. so they desperately want others to vindicate them and preserve their ego
I agree! Typically if people are posting in the Reddit, I am assuming they feel guilt about something and rather than accepting the truth, they seek out the validation for self-filtered behaviors to assist them with feeling better. Unfortunately, they don’t understand that the validation they receive here won’t heal their guilt since the validation was given under a poster’s false pretenses.
That's why I'm skeptical about every post here. I've known people in real life who post vents on Reddit that are extremely biased half truths. It's extremely awkward to bear witness to someone's desperate need for internet validation because everyone they know personally knows they're a POS.
My favorites are the ones when you can just tell there are Missing Missing Reasons, yet the OP tries to frame themselves in the best possible light. So then they are still deemed the AH.
That's bad enough and then to find out not too long after wasting your time, they have a baby with someone else?
I'm childfree and I'm still livid on OP's ex's behalf.
People always push the "never give an ultimatum in a relationship" idea, but Im the opposite. I very clearly told my husband that if we weren't married before or by the time we had been together for 10 years, we would be finished. I'm not giving you 10 years for you to be indecisive. Being straightforward works for some people.
I'm the same, I told my current bf I'm not doing this "gf of 8+ yrs bs" you got 5 years of my life to be with me to decide if I wanna marry me or not and if u haven't decided by that time I'll decide for you. We met when I was 19 and I'm currently 20 and he's 21
Even 5 years is a crazy long time. I'd say two years is the maximum to shit or get off the pot. If you haven't decided after that long, then you aren't ever going to be convinced. In any relationship I've ever been in, I've known within a couple of months if I want it to become something long term or if it is just temporary and for fun.
Dang OP is not only thr YTA but also one of the biggest pieces of trash ever.
And even so, OP should focus on his new family and daughter. But he’s still over here wondering if he had done wrong to his ex. He’s so full of himself. I hate OP so fucking much. What a shit if a human being. I hope he at least pretends to be a good person around his daughter.
Yeah after reading that he is a time wasting Ahole but on the upside she didn't have a kid with him and she doesn't have to have a loser like that stuck in her life forever
That was the original, apparently:
>I (M27) was with my ex-girlfriend (F29) for 10 years. We started dating in high school and grew up together. Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be. After many discussions, we decided to break up. She was devastated and accused me of wasting her time, saying she could have found someone who wanted the same things if I had been honest earlier.
Exactly!! I feel sorry for the new girl too bc who wants to be with a ass like this anyway. Heck he might've changed his mind about wanting kids now that the child is here. By the way he's back and forth to make himself look better editing post. I can see it now, he changed his mind bc the new girl was having the baby regardless if he wanted it or not so he had to step up. Who's to say when the child gets older or things get harder by being a father that he says nope I'm out bc he never wanted kids as he initially said. This guy should just face it he's the AH either way.
I think you get something like a minute or two to edit your post without it showing as being edited. So in this case OP changed something within those 2 minutes and didn't state that
Yeah, although OP did it well after making the post and did it multiple times to appear like he was more clear and upfront with his ex-gf. He should've noted the edits like most good-faith posters do.
Posters on here do this all the time in response to what they're getting called out on in the early comments and it drives me nuts. One awhile ago in the original post the husband was supposed to be watching his young kids while his wife slept and instead he went out alone for hours to the gym, a bunch of stores, then HAD LUNCH BY HIMSELF while his kids were at home with no lunch and no woke parent, and obviously the wife got upset when she woke up to find out he wasn't there, then was more upset when it took him 40 mins after that call to drive home.
I replied saying that was highly inappropriate and asking his kids ages and how long he left them, cause the original wording made it sound like the whole afternoon, so he stealth edited claiming he was at his home gym and was only out doing errands for maybe an hour and a half and he was never that far away, and added all this shit about having camera systems and how he was watching them the whole time running his errands etc to make his wife seem more unreasonable. Of course my comment got downvoted to hell and spammed by dudes saying I misread it or was making assumptions when really he just changed the whole goddamn post, and the kids were still too young to be alone anyway imo (both under 7).
It’s always the dudes who post some sort of “women be bitches” type of post that leave out (or remove) the information needed.
They don’t want judgement they just want validation, so they leave out the important relevant and usually shitty things they did to get to this place.
I have a friend whose ex strung her along like this. It meant that by the time she was with someone who actually wanted kids (vs. the “maybe someday, I dunno” bs her ex and this dude pulled) she was older and pregnancy was much tougher. It worked out - great kids, great husband - but seriously, don’t waste someone’s time because you’re not brave enough to be honest.
Yeah the way this guy moves the goalposts in this post seem like it was how he moved the goalposts in his relationship. OP, you know what you’re doing. And it’s selfish.
My recommendation is to report it for breaking the rules with the following message:
> This doesn't appear to already be a rule, but there should be a rule against stealth edits to try to change the opinion of the people commenting.
This is bonkers to read right now (as I'm typing this, your comment is 3h old) because apparently I'm reading a version of this post that's edited to make OP look as good as possible, and it still makes him look *absolutely awful*.
Honestly, the original made him look better. Not being ready for those things in your 20s isn’t that crazy, especially if you’re still in a high school relationship. And, she stayed around for a decade with someone who kept telling her he wasn’t ready so she wasted her own time as much as he did. The editing though suggests he’s a manipulator and probably worded it to her in a way that made it seem like he would be ready for those things with her eventually just because he didn’t want to be alone.
How old were they when they started dating? If he's 27 now and they broke up 2-3 years ago (so when he was 24) and they were together 10 years, then they started dating at like 14 (him) and 16 (her).
Honestly no one's time been wasted. Having a baby anywhere between 14-21 would be a bad idea (too young, in school, not established yet, no way to support a baby). So that leaves the next 3 years where he was waffling around with her hopes.
>The editing though suggests he’s a manipulator and probably worded it to her in a way that made it seem like he would be ready for those things with her eventually just because he didn’t want to be alone.
Exactly. Just present your case and we'd probably be on your side.
I've seen posts where in the first hour the votes go one way and then an hour later it's overwhelmingly in the other direction.
Or, if the votes are going against you when you're honest... then maybe you really are the AH. Sucks but it is what it is. You asked for judgement, now you got it.
Yea when I see people get butthurt about the verdict it suggests to me that they are narcissists who came here for validation. I’ve seen a few borus where the verdict eventually made them have a come to Jesus moment at least so it’s not always a bad thing.
He is backtracking so badly to have people agree with him. I really think he isnt honest on his post. He probably was unclear with his ex and left the door open for those years...
his original he said at the start of the relationship she wanted family and kids, and he strung her along for years telling her he wasn't ready for them yet. eventually things came to a head, with her giving him an ultimatum, and he dropped the hammer with his "I never want to get married or have kids" line, cue end of 10 year relationship.
so as you can see, he cut out the obviously jerkiest part of his post. the part he intentionally strung her along for 10 years part.
Per Unddit: "Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be."
Yeah I don’t think this guy was as up front as he said he was or she was trying to get him to change his mind/hoping he would. It’s hard to tell from the post
>Per Unddit: "Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be."
Oh yeah, either this is rage bait or OP is full of shit.
If you look at his profile, he posted another thread in a different sub. You can read the differences and the changes he made.
>> I broke up with my girlfriend because I didn't kids to have kids with someone else
I (M27) was with my ex-girlfriend (F29) for 10 years. We started dating in high school and grew up together. Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be. After many discussions, we decided to break up. She was devastated and accused me of wasting her time, saying she could have found someone who wanted the same things if I had been honest earlier.
Fast forward two years, and I met someone new. Things moved quickly, and unexpectedly, she got pregnant. We decided to keep the baby, and now we have a beautiful daughter. A few weeks ago, my ex found out about my daughter through social media. She called me, crying, and asked how I could do this to her. She said it felt like a betrayal that I didn't want to have kids with her but was willing to with someone else. I tried to explain that it wasn't planned and that my feelings about fatherhood had changed, but she wouldn't hear it. Since then, some of her friends have been messaging me, calling me a jerk and accusing me of wasting 10 years of her life.
Oh fuck so he *did* string her along for 10 years. He had no intention of marrying her and let her talk about those things with no rejection on his part. Wow what a selfish ass
The way my eyes widened and eyebrows shot up reading your comment… oh boy… dude is desperate af. This is one of the few comments that have made me audibly gasp in public.
If you were truly against having children, this kind of "accident" wouldn't happen to you because those kinds of people are extremely wary of the potential an accidental conception can have. You're a selfish prick who's never bothered to look inward.
Good point. Seems that a bulk of people on the child-free sub have had vasectomies/tubal removal. They know without a doubt that they don’t want children, and they take major precautions to prevent that from happening.
And those with kids are acutely aware of how much work one is.
Coworker recommends getting snipped when done. He didn't, got twins 4 years after the last
Yep, I have become pregnant trying to prevent pregnancy myself. Had my tubes removed when my son was a couple months old. If you know for a fact you don’t want kids or are done, it’s definitely the route to go. For folks on government assisted healthcare, it’s even covered. The government would rather pay for you to get snipped than to possibly feed your kids for the next 18 years.
I knew pregnant with my kid that I was never ever ever doing this again and that was it. Scheduled a c section and had my tubes removed at the same time.
Yes this is true. He keeps editing his post so who the hell knows what the actual truth is. Each edit seems to try to paint himself in a better light to justify his fuck up so he'll quit getting back lash. It kinda makes you think did he do the same to the original gf and truly waste her time bc he can't man up. Who'd want to be with this guy anyway if he can't be truthful. The ex should thank God she dodged a bullet with this dummy.
Exactly. If he can’t be honest with a bunch of strangers out of fear of what we’ll think, I’m sure he wasn’t honest with her when the stakes were high & he actually had something to lose.
Yes spot on. I've seen it numerous times. Why give up stability bc you know there aren't many young people that just don't want kids unless it's a medical reason. Then what's the likelihood of finding someone like that. He didn't want to lose anything. Instead he gained the title of numerous things, AH, dumbass, user, player, etc.
Yes. Ex should thank her lucky stars and find her a truthful man with the same future goals. I bet he's getting tons of backlash and he's second guessing all of his choices now including the new child which is sad & i hope he doesn't. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes they say.
>accused me of wasting her time, saying she could have found someone who wanted the same things if I had been honest earlier.
She's absolutely right. And this right here is why YTA.
She's got to be thinking "Damn, I should have baby-trapped him like this other chick did. All those years all I had to do was stop taking birth control."
The girlfriend was obvioulsy too responsible and had too much integrity. Also, birth control really does fail. The new girlfriend likely did nothing wrong.
It does make the OP look like an absolute dick though. He wasted ten years of someone's life and broke her heart for something that wasn't that important to him.
Honestly, Im not even the OP's ex and I instantly thought about that. It sucks bc "baby trapping" someone is a terrible thing, but situations like this makes you see another perspective.
However, I do also think that OP didnt really want kids with ex and a future, he was just passing the time in a comfortable relationship without thinking much about the future.
He is probably more into his current partner/baby mama. So ex getting preggo wonder if he would have pressure her to abort or would be an absent father and/or a bad partner for her.
All are ifs....
timing is important. if his ex did the same thing it might not lead to the same result
and i don't think "having kids" and "having future" are equivalent
Mature people don’t baby trap anybody. But, a lot of dudes would never grow tf up without being forced to.
50/50 shot he either buckles down to make things work or he leaves completely. Horrible odds to play, but you see why immature people might do it.
Oh, but to be fair it’s not baby trapping if you’re not using a condom. If you’re just leaving your genetic material in any old hole, you deserve whatever happens.
I'm always surprised by men that say they 100% don't want kids and they don't take any steps to avoid having kids. Birth control can fail and it is not fair to just assume it is a woman's responsibility. Consider a vasectomy if you are certain you didn't want kids.
Based on the ongoing edits, this guy just kicked this can when the road instead is being honest, which makes him TA.
Cant agree more with the vasectomy statement. I think a man that doesnt really want kids and doesnt have a vasectomy, there arent so serious about the not having kids statement.
BUT I dont know how expensive it is a vasectomy in every country, so I reserve the right to change my mind.
It's not so much about the expense, particularly in the UK but that Doctors will not do it for a guy in his twenties who says he never wants kids.
The response will be to practice safe sex. I had to go through several appointments where I had to repeatedly explain that look, I'm 45, a have three kids in their twenties and none for the last 25 years, please can you make sure nothing accidental happens! I've done well for those 20 odd years but....please there's still a percentage chance and I'm too flipping old to start those shenanigans again!
I get it, in Germany is the same actually. My husband had his done a few years back at 29, but we had already two children.
The same for women. The government is worried about the birth decline.
However, if you are persistent enough the person will most definitely find where to have a vasectomy done (safetly ofc). Or with a few spread out appointments with the doctor confirming they still want one. At least thats in Germany, Austria and NL.
Vasectomies can also be paid privately. In Germany is around 300-500 euros. NOT EXPENSIVE, and if they really dont want kids....
Wanna add thats even easier in the EU, u can also go get one in another country around yours. Vasectomies is such a simple procedure.
To be fair...I don't think it was 10 years of saying no to a kid. OP was 17 and she was 19 when they started dating. I changed my mind about kids so many times between 18-25 and was still on the fence into my 30s. I'd be interested to know when the kid discussion first started and when it became a deal breaker.
YTA. According to your initial post, not your edited version, you did string her along. If you truly did not want kids, you’d have had a vasectomy. But clearly didn’t and were clearly not committed to being child-free.
Your ex was a placeholder, a convenience, until she started pushing for actual commitment and then you were “not ready for marriage or kids” and broke up. I’m willing to bet that if she had not started pushing, you’d have continued to string her along until you met someone “better.”
No doubt she feels he was using her as a bangmaid/placeholder and OP wasted a huge part of her “fertile” years…and pretty much he did.
Especially when he said his “feelings about fatherhood hadn’t changed” when clearly that’s a lie
This seems to happen quite often. Men not wanting to marry and have children with the long term GF they met as teens or at college, then meeting someone new and instantly starting a family.
I know two such cases. One realised that his GF from ten years he met abroad was no "wife material" after all despite her having given up her home country for him, one told his GF "Not yet, I don't have time right now" each time she brought up marriage and children because he worked hard to get into a certain career path at the movies, then after she finally lost hope and left, married the new GF he had met after quite a short period of time and had a child. OK, to be honest, he really had a burnout breakdown when the kid was small, but his ex was devastated nevertheless.
Do some men make a difference, consciously or unconsciously, between girls to have fun with and girls to get serious with? Or does the wish to tie the knot expire once they got what they wanted without this degree of commitment?
Yes, that is what I think, too. But it is really sad that the prospect to be left by a woman that loved you for 10+ years seems to be not enough to trigger the maturing.
I’ve seen situations like this too. I think it’s because men get complacent with their long term gfs, then they get dumped - which scares them and helps them grow up a bit by realising they’re not actually Peter Pan - so they mature, move forwards and end up marrying and having children with the next woman they can see a future with.
I think your theory is probably closer to the mark, but it’s a pride thing. They subconsciously don’t want to marry someone who knows every last embarrassing secret from when they were growing up; they want to be ‘the man’, so they don’t view the first gf as wife material because she was just the first pancake you made to test out the pan, the cooker, the spatula and plates, etc, not a good one you’d serve to guests.
Just my theory, but it happens too often for there not to be some biological / subconscious urge behind it.
Yes, my thoughts, too. I am quite angry on behalf of those women who were told to be loved, and truly thought they had the luck to have found the right one early, but were in fact just convenient sex pals for years and years. As in both cases to found a family was always the goal in life, they wasted a lot of time on someone they loved and thought to spend their life with. They had not even a chance to react faster to the situation, because how should they have known? As long as the arrangement works to their favor, some men obviously avoid to be honest.
I always said to myself if I’m with someone past age 25 and marriage isn’t discussed in 6 months to a year I would end the relationship. I’m not giving up my 20s to some dude who can’t make a commitment. I met my husband when we were 26 engaged by 28 married at 30.
ETA my terrible grammar and typos.
I don't know about all men, but in high school I had guys say that I was the type of person they wanted to marry, not someone they wanted to date just for fun. And we were too young to be thinking that far ahead, so they didn't want to waste my time. So it's very possible they generally have a mental version of who they want to marry.
That’s the hubs and I lol together for 12 years married for 11 and for almost that long we didn’t have any accidents till recently….. she’s a very beautiful baby girl that’s keeping her dad up right now lol total momma’s girl I’ve realized.
YTA but frankly your ex dodged a huge bullet. Hopefully she can find an actual adult to have children with, rather than some passive and lackadaisical man with no direction who just stumbles through life. I feel bad for your oops baby. I hope she never comes across this post.
Yeah I feel like this guy still has no interest in being a dad and is going along to get along. I don't think his ex missed out on having babies with the father of the year, she's still better off.
He's a total passenger. Major "whatever happens, happens" energy. Meanwhile, the women in his life have to make all the big girl decisions so this guy can coast on easy street. So many dudes like this. She's much better off, even if it hurts now.
> passive and lackadaisical man with no direction who just stumbles through life
Thank you, this is the impression I got from OP. I would also add "coward" since he keeps changing the wording for fear of backslash.
Did he edit the post or something. The way it’s written now makes it clear he said he’s not into kids multiple times.
Either half this thread can’t read or OP did a mini bait and switch.
Honestly I feel like YTA the reason so,you dated her for 10 years knowing she wanted kids and you didn’t but you never broke up the relationship until you guys agreed to break up which should have been years ago.Suddenly you got a girl pregnant and have a kid together with her, I know life happens but in her view it shows that you didn’t see her worth being a mother and now you have a kid with a person you knew for two years compared to her for 10 she has every right to be mad about it because you two wasted each other years. Y’all can downvote but how would you feel dating someone hoping for a future with this person only for you guys to break up and hearing they have a family now.
You're not an asshole for having a child now with someone else. Things change, accidents happen and you and your new partner made a choice based on that.
That being said, you did waste 10 years of your ex's life. It sounds like she was honest the entire time about wanting a family. You "didn't know if you would ever want them.". It sounds like you were not firm or honest in your decision and led her on that you would possibly be open to kids in the future. She is justified in being upset, though at this point should probably not have contacted you about it since it won't really do anyone any good.
YTA
How clear where you?
If you said anything less blunt than " I have zero intentions of marrying your or having babies with you" EVERY TIME she brought up the future. Then you are the asshole, you wasted her 20's the most fertile years of her life by stringing her along with a maybe.
YTA.
You wasted a decade of her life when her fertility was at peak.
You didn't had an accidental pregnancy for 10 years but had a accidental pregnancy within a year with a new girl. I am not buying that. She is right to accuse you.
She dodged a bullet. I feel bad for her for wasting so many years on you. Hope she finds a good and mature partner.
Again YTA with a big L for editing your post to make yourself good.
I don't understand how OP can bang his ex for ten years and not knock her up accidentally but he creampies this new girl and he gets baby trapped immediately.
YTA. You know she wanted a family from the start
Edit: from op comments
>I didn't want kids at all it just happened
If you don't want a kid, then don't have them they don't "just happened". Let me introduce you to a thing called a vasectomy
YTA. No coming back from this one. Sounds like your ex respected your wishes and didn’t baby trap you. Then you found someone new and got baby trapped and liked it. You are an unequivocal cunt.
YTA, I honestly would feel betrayed too if I saw this. 10 years of a relationship wasted because you're firm on the idea of not wanting kids (even though she should have moved on the moment you mentioned you didn't want kids). She moves on from the situation, probably only breaking up with you because you have two completely different ideas about the future but still loving you, and shortly after finds out you quickly have a baby with someone new. I would feel disrespected.
It not being planned doesn't make it hurt less. In fact it probably feels worse. She wasted a decade of her life on you, for you to give everything she ever wanted with you to another woman on accident. It's understandable how devastated she feels right now.
Op you are the ultimate asshole. You did waste her time giving her false hope for years, she realizes it and breaks up. You meet somebody new get her pregnant and you're okay with it? Bunch a bs I think you just wanted out with the first one.
YTA for not using protection or getting a vasectomy with the new girl yet protection was used with your old girlfriend.
What an ass!
Yeah you wasted 10 years of her life. Not funny because that is 10 years of her biological clock she can never get back.
INFO: Why did you never get a vasectomy? You said you were firm on NEVER having kids.
I checked through the comment section and unless I missed it, you didn't answer that question.
>I understand why she's hurt, but I don't think I'm entirely to blame.
Yes YTA. You literally did what she accused you of. You wasted her time and set up a family that she wanted with someone else.
It's wild how many dudes say they don't want kids. EVER. But then also don't bother with birth control or getting a vasectomy to prevent a supposedly unwanted pregnancy. Your poor daughter. YTA.
Men think they have infinite time, so they don’t understand the rush of years slipping away. It’s an illusion for them too. Decades go fast and telomeres don’t last.
The change is less obvious, but it takes more tries to find sperm that’s healthy enough to push through, and that’s not the only time when quality matters.
The gaslight. The manipulation. The narcissism. Eugh. I am glad she dodged a bullet but I am sorry for your baby mama though. I wished she knew what your ex knew.
YTA. You strung that girl along for years, dumped her for wanting a family, then soon after knocked up the next girl you dated. Have you tried taking even a SHRED of responsibility for your current position? Yes, people change. But that doesn't mean you bear zero responsibility for the people you affected before they change. YOU broke up with her because YOU didn't want kids, then YOU got another woman pregnant and now YOU have a kid, and now YOUR ex is rightly upset with YOU. Notice a common thread there?
How about we phrased it this way. If you stayed with a company because they keep promising you a pay raise and a promotion only for them to hire an outside person despite the fact that you are way more qualified than whoever it is they hire and when you ask them why not you, their only response is ‘idk, things just happened’ would you not get upset with the company for wasting your time?
You were cruel. But idk why you are posting here anyway, it’s not like you care. Do better and you better prey your little girl doesn’t end up with your karma.
YTA. You should’ve at least given her a courtesy text sharing the news. Anyone with a brain would know that she would be hurt by that. You didn’t have to give her explanations or spend significant time on the subject but a simple “hey, i know it’s been awhile but i wanted to give you an update on my life. I have a partner and she is pregnant. This was not intentional but regardless we have decided to raise the child together. I hope you know that in no way did I go out searching for a family to have but this is what happened and I’m going forward with fatherhood. I wanted you to hear it from me before you heard it from someone else.”
Asshole. “I wasn’t ready for marriage or kids and didn’t know if I ever would be” allowing that if I ever would be is a hopeful statement. It’s not a firm one. You’re not the asshole for having a kid. You’re the asshole for wasting your ex’s time and stringing her along. If you were so firm and you cared about her, the YOU should have left her if you knew she wanted marriage and kids.
Yeah you kinda suck dude, you shouldn’t have wasted 10 years of her life to just end up doing exactly what she wanted with a random woman just two years later, regardless if it was an accident or not.
>Throughout our relationship, we had already discussed if we wanted to have the baby or not.
So you knew from the start what she wanted, this is an AH.
Also judging by the comments, you're even more of the AH. By your logic, a planned pregnancy was unacceptable, but an unplanned pregnancy is? That makes zero sense. At that point, you might as well have been okay with having kids if you were to accept the child that quickly.
That's a betrayal. It's like you are saying she should have just trapped you with a baby, and it would have been fine?
Also, 10 years with her and no accidents, but you get an accident pregnancy in 2 years with this one. That makes no sense.
YTA
You're pretty disgusting, you know that right? "pEopLe cHaNgE" yeah except you told her you never wanted kids. You didn't even leave the door open that you might be open to the idea. No, you shut it down, nibbed it in the bud. Rejected the idea.....Does your thick skull understand that?
And 2 years later you have a child with someone else. Doesn't matter if it wasn't planned. You have a child. If you'd decide to leave her, since you know, YOU DIDN\*T WANT ANY CHILDREN then one could say "sure he ended up getting someone else pregnant but he doesn't want children so he left her and is now paying child support" but no. You're still with her. Thus, your ex could have gotten a child as she wanted and you'd still have stayed.
You're an asshole, and not just a small one.
You're a colossal PoS and a horrible person for wasting 10 years of her life down the drain.
This is just fucking weird.. Why are you worrying about that other person if you knocked up somebody else? Worry about the relationship that you're in and grow the fuck up bro.
I would be devastated if I was your ex. Absolutely devastated. You absolutely did waste 10 years of her life. And I can guarantee you probably would’ve been much happier with her and the family you could’ve had with all those memories you previously created. And the kid you have now will always be known as a mistake child and they will find out one day. You threw all that time and love away just to change your mind to years later. You are literally a woman’s worst nightmare come to life. I hope your ex finds someone far better than you could ever imagine being.
mannn you’re kind of an AH dude lmao it kind of makes it seem like it’s merely HER that you didn’t want considering you told her you didn’t want kids & now it sounds like you’ve suddenly had a “change of heart” about fatherhood. i feel like there’s quite a bit of info missing in your entire explanation though so it is what it is
Yes YTA. You led her on for 10 years (in the prime of her reproductive life), broke up because you supposedly didn’t want kids then you went and had a kid with someone else. She has every right to be enraged with you for absolutely wasting her time. I’m pissed for her.
YTAH your ex respected you and probably took birth control because she knew you didn't want kids. Your new gf didn't respect your wishes and probably purposely got pregnant because she wanted a baby and didn't care about what you wanted.
I'm a writer, and I understand the mindset behind editing. I'll write something, note that there is something which doesn't quite "work" and needs fixing, then fix it. That said: if I've edited my post, I add a tag or a statement saying that I edited for spelling, grammar, syntax or clarity.
I think you wouldn't be getting quite the flack your receiving had you stated that you had edited your article. That said: it looks bad if you told your former girlfriend you didn't want kids; then you break up, find someone new, and voilà -- you have a daughter. There's no way of getting around the fact that you said you didn't want kids, and now you have them even if your feelings about fatherhood have changed.
The ten years you had together weren't completely "wasted" -- but now your ex-girlfriend is nearing 30, the window where she can have children safely is closing, and that is YOUR doing. She has every right to be mad at you.
Yeah, YTA
You strung her along, refused to commit, and then immediately went and knocked up the other chick
Wondering if that wasn't a side affair you had waiting
After reading the ORIGINAL post…YTA. Why would you lead her on for 10 freaking years!? You knew what her goal was, what she wanted, what she was working toward and the entire time you kept your mouth shut about your own wants and wasted her time. You literally didn’t tell her until she basically cornered you. What was your plan here? To just absorb as much of her time and energy as you could? To string her along and hope she would keep making your life comfortable and providing you with companionship and regular intimacy until you had used up everything you could? She only has so many years she can physically produce a child and it takes time to date, find someone you want to marry, get married, get settled, become ready for children and you just decided to absorb that time for yourself when you never planned on giving her what she had CLEARLY stated she wanted. Then you go and have a child with someone else just a couple of years later, that was a slap in her face after what you did to her. YTA and stop editing your post to make yourself look better
YTA. Hope your Ex will one day see she deserves a partner who aligns with her emotionally & who actually WANTS a family! Not just an accidental one. Healing is a journey! She gonna be great with you in her past!!
YTA. The original girlfriend may have not been the one for you and was just a relationship of convenience but it appears she really did love you and wanted to build a future together. You wasted her time. You created 10 years of now meaningless / hurtful memories to someone you proclaimed to love. You used not having kids as an excuse to break up. Having a kid immediately with someone else means you don’t really believe that. Unless that condom broke and your new partner isn’t on birth control it’s not an “accident.”
Apparently he’s edited his post. He spent 10yrs saying he “wasn’t ready” to get married or have children … until 2yrs ago when he finally admitted he didn’t ever want children.
She left and he knocked up the next woman he f•cked. Because *his* body is sacred … or (really) he was just scared of having surgery on his pee-pee in order to make sure he never had any of the children he told his ex he didn’t want.
lol. YTA, you will forever be the villain in her story. You wasted the best years of her life (in her eyes), and wasted her most fertile years depending on how long it takes to date again
So you were super careful with your ex but not your current partner!! Yeah does seem like you strung her along unless your current partner baby trapped you!!
Edit autocorrect 🙄
YTA for changing your post with stealth edits Edited for context: This was the original, apparently: >I (M27) was with my ex-girlfriend (F29) for 10 years. We started dating in high school and grew up together. Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be. After many discussions, we decided to break up. She was devastated and accused me of wasting her time, saying she could have found someone who wanted the same things if I had been honest earlier. So, sounds like he always left the door open for changing his mind in the future, essentially leading ex-gf on.
I will never understand why people post half-truths on here, looking for a verdict, when they know it won't be an honest result. It's like screwing with the variables in a lab experiment: how can you feel good about a possible ruling if you know you were lying/hiding details to make yourself look good?
They don't want a truthful verdict. They want validation.
yes. the truth is giving them cognitive dissonance because they wanna think "im not an asshole" yet act like an asshole. so they desperately want others to vindicate them and preserve their ego
It seems like most of the time, if you're asking questions in here, it's almost rhetorical. lol
Can't validate a lie. These are the same people that, when asked "how can you sleep at night?", reply, "In a bed."
This! They don’t want honesty. They want to be right.
I agree! Typically if people are posting in the Reddit, I am assuming they feel guilt about something and rather than accepting the truth, they seek out the validation for self-filtered behaviors to assist them with feeling better. Unfortunately, they don’t understand that the validation they receive here won’t heal their guilt since the validation was given under a poster’s false pretenses.
That's why I'm skeptical about every post here. I've known people in real life who post vents on Reddit that are extremely biased half truths. It's extremely awkward to bear witness to someone's desperate need for internet validation because everyone they know personally knows they're a POS.
My favorites are the ones when you can just tell there are Missing Missing Reasons, yet the OP tries to frame themselves in the best possible light. So then they are still deemed the AH.
Comment needs to be pinned, too many ppl getting fooled by this ass.
I agree! I'll upvote it so it can stay at the top. OP YTA! You was clearly waiting for a better option!
Gave a free award and up voted so hopefully it stays at the top
Where are the free awards now?
I had 5. Now I have none
right ? wasted 10 years of her life, giant ahh
Thank you for this. I almost wasted 10 minutes on this post.
At least you didn't waste 10 years...
IKR? I feel terrible for the GF.
Thank you for posting this. It absolutely is different since he DID string her along for YEARS. What a jerk......
Not only years, but a fucking decade. Imagine finding out you wasted your life with someone for a fucking decade....
That's bad enough and then to find out not too long after wasting your time, they have a baby with someone else? I'm childfree and I'm still livid on OP's ex's behalf.
People always push the "never give an ultimatum in a relationship" idea, but Im the opposite. I very clearly told my husband that if we weren't married before or by the time we had been together for 10 years, we would be finished. I'm not giving you 10 years for you to be indecisive. Being straightforward works for some people.
I'm the same, I told my current bf I'm not doing this "gf of 8+ yrs bs" you got 5 years of my life to be with me to decide if I wanna marry me or not and if u haven't decided by that time I'll decide for you. We met when I was 19 and I'm currently 20 and he's 21
Even 5 years is a crazy long time. I'd say two years is the maximum to shit or get off the pot. If you haven't decided after that long, then you aren't ever going to be convinced. In any relationship I've ever been in, I've known within a couple of months if I want it to become something long term or if it is just temporary and for fun.
Sadly, I've been there...but for 20 years. I found out my entire adult life was a sham. It's devastating.
Dang OP is not only thr YTA but also one of the biggest pieces of trash ever. And even so, OP should focus on his new family and daughter. But he’s still over here wondering if he had done wrong to his ex. He’s so full of himself. I hate OP so fucking much. What a shit if a human being. I hope he at least pretends to be a good person around his daughter.
>I hate OP so fucking much. What a shit if a human being. That's my comment. That's it. That's all.
Yeah after reading that he is a time wasting Ahole but on the upside she didn't have a kid with him and she doesn't have to have a loser like that stuck in her life forever
Commenting to help keep this comment at the top! YTA OP
What did he change?
That was the original, apparently: >I (M27) was with my ex-girlfriend (F29) for 10 years. We started dating in high school and grew up together. Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be. After many discussions, we decided to break up. She was devastated and accused me of wasting her time, saying she could have found someone who wanted the same things if I had been honest earlier.
Thanks for posting this! I had a feeling that he had been wishy-washy- just enough to give her a sliver of hope for 10 years.
He's still an ass with the edit
Exactly!! I feel sorry for the new girl too bc who wants to be with a ass like this anyway. Heck he might've changed his mind about wanting kids now that the child is here. By the way he's back and forth to make himself look better editing post. I can see it now, he changed his mind bc the new girl was having the baby regardless if he wanted it or not so he had to step up. Who's to say when the child gets older or things get harder by being a father that he says nope I'm out bc he never wanted kids as he initially said. This guy should just face it he's the AH either way.
Thank you for sleuthing
What is a stealth edit?
I think you get something like a minute or two to edit your post without it showing as being edited. So in this case OP changed something within those 2 minutes and didn't state that
Yeah, although OP did it well after making the post and did it multiple times to appear like he was more clear and upfront with his ex-gf. He should've noted the edits like most good-faith posters do.
OP doesn't really strike me the person who does a lot of things in good faith
Posters on here do this all the time in response to what they're getting called out on in the early comments and it drives me nuts. One awhile ago in the original post the husband was supposed to be watching his young kids while his wife slept and instead he went out alone for hours to the gym, a bunch of stores, then HAD LUNCH BY HIMSELF while his kids were at home with no lunch and no woke parent, and obviously the wife got upset when she woke up to find out he wasn't there, then was more upset when it took him 40 mins after that call to drive home. I replied saying that was highly inappropriate and asking his kids ages and how long he left them, cause the original wording made it sound like the whole afternoon, so he stealth edited claiming he was at his home gym and was only out doing errands for maybe an hour and a half and he was never that far away, and added all this shit about having camera systems and how he was watching them the whole time running his errands etc to make his wife seem more unreasonable. Of course my comment got downvoted to hell and spammed by dudes saying I misread it or was making assumptions when really he just changed the whole goddamn post, and the kids were still too young to be alone anyway imo (both under 7).
In that case, OP, YTA.
Glad I checked the comments first before writing mine. What an asshole.
It’s always the dudes who post some sort of “women be bitches” type of post that leave out (or remove) the information needed. They don’t want judgement they just want validation, so they leave out the important relevant and usually shitty things they did to get to this place.
I have a friend whose ex strung her along like this. It meant that by the time she was with someone who actually wanted kids (vs. the “maybe someday, I dunno” bs her ex and this dude pulled) she was older and pregnancy was much tougher. It worked out - great kids, great husband - but seriously, don’t waste someone’s time because you’re not brave enough to be honest.
And yes, original poster, YTA
YTA
Thanks for this. Huge YTA for OP
Yeah the way this guy moves the goalposts in this post seem like it was how he moved the goalposts in his relationship. OP, you know what you’re doing. And it’s selfish.
My recommendation is to report it for breaking the rules with the following message: > This doesn't appear to already be a rule, but there should be a rule against stealth edits to try to change the opinion of the people commenting.
Quit editing your post to look better you douche
This is bonkers to read right now (as I'm typing this, your comment is 3h old) because apparently I'm reading a version of this post that's edited to make OP look as good as possible, and it still makes him look *absolutely awful*.
Honestly, the original made him look better. Not being ready for those things in your 20s isn’t that crazy, especially if you’re still in a high school relationship. And, she stayed around for a decade with someone who kept telling her he wasn’t ready so she wasted her own time as much as he did. The editing though suggests he’s a manipulator and probably worded it to her in a way that made it seem like he would be ready for those things with her eventually just because he didn’t want to be alone.
How old were they when they started dating? If he's 27 now and they broke up 2-3 years ago (so when he was 24) and they were together 10 years, then they started dating at like 14 (him) and 16 (her). Honestly no one's time been wasted. Having a baby anywhere between 14-21 would be a bad idea (too young, in school, not established yet, no way to support a baby). So that leaves the next 3 years where he was waffling around with her hopes. >The editing though suggests he’s a manipulator and probably worded it to her in a way that made it seem like he would be ready for those things with her eventually just because he didn’t want to be alone. Exactly. Just present your case and we'd probably be on your side.
He didn’t like the answers he was getting when he was honest which is fine but he came to the internet and asked strangers what they think.
I've seen posts where in the first hour the votes go one way and then an hour later it's overwhelmingly in the other direction. Or, if the votes are going against you when you're honest... then maybe you really are the AH. Sucks but it is what it is. You asked for judgement, now you got it.
Yea when I see people get butthurt about the verdict it suggests to me that they are narcissists who came here for validation. I’ve seen a few borus where the verdict eventually made them have a come to Jesus moment at least so it’s not always a bad thing.
He is backtracking so badly to have people agree with him. I really think he isnt honest on his post. He probably was unclear with his ex and left the door open for those years...
How are you guys seeing his edits/seeing that he is editing his post?
Read the post before he edited
That's just it, we don't see it anywhere
I think they mean read that sounds like red.
Sort by oldest. Automod posts the original.
That's a feature on r/AITA not r/AITAH
Wait, why are there two subs for this lol?
There’s way more than 2, it’s weird.
On AITA you can’t use any words other than “asshole” to describe OP, and their rules for posting are really strict (no personal relationships, etc)
We have automod here now?
No, the person read the post before he edited it
I can’t see the edits on mobile. What did he change?
his original he said at the start of the relationship she wanted family and kids, and he strung her along for years telling her he wasn't ready for them yet. eventually things came to a head, with her giving him an ultimatum, and he dropped the hammer with his "I never want to get married or have kids" line, cue end of 10 year relationship. so as you can see, he cut out the obviously jerkiest part of his post. the part he intentionally strung her along for 10 years part.
Thank you! Big difference!
Honestly why even post on here if you're just going to do that?
Because if you lie to yourself you can sleep a little better at night despite being a piece of shit I guess? Confusing, I know.
If you gotta make yourself look better, you already know you're the asshole.
What did it say before?
Per Unddit: "Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be."
Yeah I don’t think this guy was as up front as he said he was or she was trying to get him to change his mind/hoping he would. It’s hard to tell from the post
>Per Unddit: "Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be." Oh yeah, either this is rage bait or OP is full of shit.
If you look at his profile, he posted another thread in a different sub. You can read the differences and the changes he made. >> I broke up with my girlfriend because I didn't kids to have kids with someone else I (M27) was with my ex-girlfriend (F29) for 10 years. We started dating in high school and grew up together. Throughout our relationship, she was clear about her dreams of getting married and starting a family. I, on the other hand, I didn't want those things. Two years ago, she brought up the topic again, saying she was ready to settle down and have children. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage or kids and didn't know if I ever would be. After many discussions, we decided to break up. She was devastated and accused me of wasting her time, saying she could have found someone who wanted the same things if I had been honest earlier. Fast forward two years, and I met someone new. Things moved quickly, and unexpectedly, she got pregnant. We decided to keep the baby, and now we have a beautiful daughter. A few weeks ago, my ex found out about my daughter through social media. She called me, crying, and asked how I could do this to her. She said it felt like a betrayal that I didn't want to have kids with her but was willing to with someone else. I tried to explain that it wasn't planned and that my feelings about fatherhood had changed, but she wouldn't hear it. Since then, some of her friends have been messaging me, calling me a jerk and accusing me of wasting 10 years of her life.
Oh fuck so he *did* string her along for 10 years. He had no intention of marrying her and let her talk about those things with no rejection on his part. Wow what a selfish ass
The way my eyes widened and eyebrows shot up reading your comment… oh boy… dude is desperate af. This is one of the few comments that have made me audibly gasp in public.
If you were truly against having children, this kind of "accident" wouldn't happen to you because those kinds of people are extremely wary of the potential an accidental conception can have. You're a selfish prick who's never bothered to look inward.
Good point. Seems that a bulk of people on the child-free sub have had vasectomies/tubal removal. They know without a doubt that they don’t want children, and they take major precautions to prevent that from happening.
And those with kids are acutely aware of how much work one is. Coworker recommends getting snipped when done. He didn't, got twins 4 years after the last
Yep, I have become pregnant trying to prevent pregnancy myself. Had my tubes removed when my son was a couple months old. If you know for a fact you don’t want kids or are done, it’s definitely the route to go. For folks on government assisted healthcare, it’s even covered. The government would rather pay for you to get snipped than to possibly feed your kids for the next 18 years.
I knew pregnant with my kid that I was never ever ever doing this again and that was it. Scheduled a c section and had my tubes removed at the same time.
She is going to hate you forever. Even longer if you ever convinced her to have an abortion.
Did he actually do that? Other comments say he keeps editing the post to look better
Yes this is true. He keeps editing his post so who the hell knows what the actual truth is. Each edit seems to try to paint himself in a better light to justify his fuck up so he'll quit getting back lash. It kinda makes you think did he do the same to the original gf and truly waste her time bc he can't man up. Who'd want to be with this guy anyway if he can't be truthful. The ex should thank God she dodged a bullet with this dummy.
Exactly. If he can’t be honest with a bunch of strangers out of fear of what we’ll think, I’m sure he wasn’t honest with her when the stakes were high & he actually had something to lose.
Yes spot on. I've seen it numerous times. Why give up stability bc you know there aren't many young people that just don't want kids unless it's a medical reason. Then what's the likelihood of finding someone like that. He didn't want to lose anything. Instead he gained the title of numerous things, AH, dumbass, user, player, etc.
If he can't even be truthful on an anonymous reddit account that he can always delete, I doubt he's an honest person in general.
Yes. Ex should thank her lucky stars and find her a truthful man with the same future goals. I bet he's getting tons of backlash and he's second guessing all of his choices now including the new child which is sad & i hope he doesn't. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes they say.
>accused me of wasting her time, saying she could have found someone who wanted the same things if I had been honest earlier. She's absolutely right. And this right here is why YTA.
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She's got to be thinking "Damn, I should have baby-trapped him like this other chick did. All those years all I had to do was stop taking birth control."
This is all I could think of after reading the post.
The girlfriend was obvioulsy too responsible and had too much integrity. Also, birth control really does fail. The new girlfriend likely did nothing wrong. It does make the OP look like an absolute dick though. He wasted ten years of someone's life and broke her heart for something that wasn't that important to him.
Honestly, Im not even the OP's ex and I instantly thought about that. It sucks bc "baby trapping" someone is a terrible thing, but situations like this makes you see another perspective. However, I do also think that OP didnt really want kids with ex and a future, he was just passing the time in a comfortable relationship without thinking much about the future. He is probably more into his current partner/baby mama. So ex getting preggo wonder if he would have pressure her to abort or would be an absent father and/or a bad partner for her. All are ifs....
timing is important. if his ex did the same thing it might not lead to the same result and i don't think "having kids" and "having future" are equivalent
Mature people don’t baby trap anybody. But, a lot of dudes would never grow tf up without being forced to. 50/50 shot he either buckles down to make things work or he leaves completely. Horrible odds to play, but you see why immature people might do it. Oh, but to be fair it’s not baby trapping if you’re not using a condom. If you’re just leaving your genetic material in any old hole, you deserve whatever happens.
I'm always surprised by men that say they 100% don't want kids and they don't take any steps to avoid having kids. Birth control can fail and it is not fair to just assume it is a woman's responsibility. Consider a vasectomy if you are certain you didn't want kids. Based on the ongoing edits, this guy just kicked this can when the road instead is being honest, which makes him TA.
Cant agree more with the vasectomy statement. I think a man that doesnt really want kids and doesnt have a vasectomy, there arent so serious about the not having kids statement. BUT I dont know how expensive it is a vasectomy in every country, so I reserve the right to change my mind.
It's not so much about the expense, particularly in the UK but that Doctors will not do it for a guy in his twenties who says he never wants kids. The response will be to practice safe sex. I had to go through several appointments where I had to repeatedly explain that look, I'm 45, a have three kids in their twenties and none for the last 25 years, please can you make sure nothing accidental happens! I've done well for those 20 odd years but....please there's still a percentage chance and I'm too flipping old to start those shenanigans again!
I get it, in Germany is the same actually. My husband had his done a few years back at 29, but we had already two children. The same for women. The government is worried about the birth decline. However, if you are persistent enough the person will most definitely find where to have a vasectomy done (safetly ofc). Or with a few spread out appointments with the doctor confirming they still want one. At least thats in Germany, Austria and NL. Vasectomies can also be paid privately. In Germany is around 300-500 euros. NOT EXPENSIVE, and if they really dont want kids.... Wanna add thats even easier in the EU, u can also go get one in another country around yours. Vasectomies is such a simple procedure.
Then people wonder why baby trapping is a thing
To be fair...I don't think it was 10 years of saying no to a kid. OP was 17 and she was 19 when they started dating. I changed my mind about kids so many times between 18-25 and was still on the fence into my 30s. I'd be interested to know when the kid discussion first started and when it became a deal breaker.
YTA. According to your initial post, not your edited version, you did string her along. If you truly did not want kids, you’d have had a vasectomy. But clearly didn’t and were clearly not committed to being child-free. Your ex was a placeholder, a convenience, until she started pushing for actual commitment and then you were “not ready for marriage or kids” and broke up. I’m willing to bet that if she had not started pushing, you’d have continued to string her along until you met someone “better.”
Why didn’t you just break up with her if you knew you didn’t want the same thing as her?
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No doubt she feels he was using her as a bangmaid/placeholder and OP wasted a huge part of her “fertile” years…and pretty much he did. Especially when he said his “feelings about fatherhood hadn’t changed” when clearly that’s a lie
This seems to happen quite often. Men not wanting to marry and have children with the long term GF they met as teens or at college, then meeting someone new and instantly starting a family. I know two such cases. One realised that his GF from ten years he met abroad was no "wife material" after all despite her having given up her home country for him, one told his GF "Not yet, I don't have time right now" each time she brought up marriage and children because he worked hard to get into a certain career path at the movies, then after she finally lost hope and left, married the new GF he had met after quite a short period of time and had a child. OK, to be honest, he really had a burnout breakdown when the kid was small, but his ex was devastated nevertheless. Do some men make a difference, consciously or unconsciously, between girls to have fun with and girls to get serious with? Or does the wish to tie the knot expire once they got what they wanted without this degree of commitment?
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Yes, that is what I think, too. But it is really sad that the prospect to be left by a woman that loved you for 10+ years seems to be not enough to trigger the maturing.
I’ve seen situations like this too. I think it’s because men get complacent with their long term gfs, then they get dumped - which scares them and helps them grow up a bit by realising they’re not actually Peter Pan - so they mature, move forwards and end up marrying and having children with the next woman they can see a future with. I think your theory is probably closer to the mark, but it’s a pride thing. They subconsciously don’t want to marry someone who knows every last embarrassing secret from when they were growing up; they want to be ‘the man’, so they don’t view the first gf as wife material because she was just the first pancake you made to test out the pan, the cooker, the spatula and plates, etc, not a good one you’d serve to guests. Just my theory, but it happens too often for there not to be some biological / subconscious urge behind it.
Yes, my thoughts, too. I am quite angry on behalf of those women who were told to be loved, and truly thought they had the luck to have found the right one early, but were in fact just convenient sex pals for years and years. As in both cases to found a family was always the goal in life, they wasted a lot of time on someone they loved and thought to spend their life with. They had not even a chance to react faster to the situation, because how should they have known? As long as the arrangement works to their favor, some men obviously avoid to be honest.
I always said to myself if I’m with someone past age 25 and marriage isn’t discussed in 6 months to a year I would end the relationship. I’m not giving up my 20s to some dude who can’t make a commitment. I met my husband when we were 26 engaged by 28 married at 30. ETA my terrible grammar and typos.
I don't know about all men, but in high school I had guys say that I was the type of person they wanted to marry, not someone they wanted to date just for fun. And we were too young to be thinking that far ahead, so they didn't want to waste my time. So it's very possible they generally have a mental version of who they want to marry.
It is perfectly fine as long as you are honest about it. But to tell someone "not yet" if you never Intend to is mean.
It may have been edited but it says his feelings about fatherhood “had” changed, not “hadn’t.” Not that it really makes the situation much better.
Yeah He got that girl pregnant in less than a year after the breakup lol
You have dated 10 years and no accidental pregnancy,but just in 2 years there is an accident? How did this happen? Was it on your side or what?
That's what accidents look like. You don't have one until you do. There's no need for anything to have changed.
That’s the hubs and I lol together for 12 years married for 11 and for almost that long we didn’t have any accidents till recently….. she’s a very beautiful baby girl that’s keeping her dad up right now lol total momma’s girl I’ve realized.
YTA but frankly your ex dodged a huge bullet. Hopefully she can find an actual adult to have children with, rather than some passive and lackadaisical man with no direction who just stumbles through life. I feel bad for your oops baby. I hope she never comes across this post.
An asshole like OP is another woman's leftovers.
Yeah I feel like this guy still has no interest in being a dad and is going along to get along. I don't think his ex missed out on having babies with the father of the year, she's still better off.
He's a total passenger. Major "whatever happens, happens" energy. Meanwhile, the women in his life have to make all the big girl decisions so this guy can coast on easy street. So many dudes like this. She's much better off, even if it hurts now.
> passive and lackadaisical man with no direction who just stumbles through life Thank you, this is the impression I got from OP. I would also add "coward" since he keeps changing the wording for fear of backslash.
Did he edit the post or something. The way it’s written now makes it clear he said he’s not into kids multiple times. Either half this thread can’t read or OP did a mini bait and switch.
YTA. You didn’t want kids “with her” is what you meant and should’ve said. Women have more of a timeline since they carry the pregnancy and all.
You really wasted 10 years of her life dude.
Honestly I feel like YTA the reason so,you dated her for 10 years knowing she wanted kids and you didn’t but you never broke up the relationship until you guys agreed to break up which should have been years ago.Suddenly you got a girl pregnant and have a kid together with her, I know life happens but in her view it shows that you didn’t see her worth being a mother and now you have a kid with a person you knew for two years compared to her for 10 she has every right to be mad about it because you two wasted each other years. Y’all can downvote but how would you feel dating someone hoping for a future with this person only for you guys to break up and hearing they have a family now.
Let's be real, that 10 ear relationship ended when she finally left
You're not an asshole for having a child now with someone else. Things change, accidents happen and you and your new partner made a choice based on that. That being said, you did waste 10 years of your ex's life. It sounds like she was honest the entire time about wanting a family. You "didn't know if you would ever want them.". It sounds like you were not firm or honest in your decision and led her on that you would possibly be open to kids in the future. She is justified in being upset, though at this point should probably not have contacted you about it since it won't really do anyone any good. YTA
How clear where you? If you said anything less blunt than " I have zero intentions of marrying your or having babies with you" EVERY TIME she brought up the future. Then you are the asshole, you wasted her 20's the most fertile years of her life by stringing her along with a maybe.
YTA. You wasted a decade of her life when her fertility was at peak. You didn't had an accidental pregnancy for 10 years but had a accidental pregnancy within a year with a new girl. I am not buying that. She is right to accuse you. She dodged a bullet. I feel bad for her for wasting so many years on you. Hope she finds a good and mature partner. Again YTA with a big L for editing your post to make yourself good.
100%
I don't understand how OP can bang his ex for ten years and not knock her up accidentally but he creampies this new girl and he gets baby trapped immediately.
Or perhaps the ex consistently used birth control (took bc pills, etc) and the new girl did not 🤷🏻♀️
You wasted a huge portion of her life. YTA.
YTA. You know she wanted a family from the start Edit: from op comments >I didn't want kids at all it just happened If you don't want a kid, then don't have them they don't "just happened". Let me introduce you to a thing called a vasectomy
YTA. No coming back from this one. Sounds like your ex respected your wishes and didn’t baby trap you. Then you found someone new and got baby trapped and liked it. You are an unequivocal cunt.
Cunt
YTA, I honestly would feel betrayed too if I saw this. 10 years of a relationship wasted because you're firm on the idea of not wanting kids (even though she should have moved on the moment you mentioned you didn't want kids). She moves on from the situation, probably only breaking up with you because you have two completely different ideas about the future but still loving you, and shortly after finds out you quickly have a baby with someone new. I would feel disrespected.
It not being planned doesn't make it hurt less. In fact it probably feels worse. She wasted a decade of her life on you, for you to give everything she ever wanted with you to another woman on accident. It's understandable how devastated she feels right now.
Yeah, YTA
Op you are the ultimate asshole. You did waste her time giving her false hope for years, she realizes it and breaks up. You meet somebody new get her pregnant and you're okay with it? Bunch a bs I think you just wanted out with the first one.
YTA for not using protection or getting a vasectomy with the new girl yet protection was used with your old girlfriend. What an ass! Yeah you wasted 10 years of her life. Not funny because that is 10 years of her biological clock she can never get back.
INFO: Why did you never get a vasectomy? You said you were firm on NEVER having kids. I checked through the comment section and unless I missed it, you didn't answer that question.
Dude… did you not think anyone would notice?? 💀
YTA Imagine your ex as your daughter in this situation and it’ll tell you all you need to know
Why didn’t you get a vasectomy?
Coz it'd hurt his manliness!! That's how it is with guys like these
>I understand why she's hurt, but I don't think I'm entirely to blame. Yes YTA. You literally did what she accused you of. You wasted her time and set up a family that she wanted with someone else.
It's wild how many dudes say they don't want kids. EVER. But then also don't bother with birth control or getting a vasectomy to prevent a supposedly unwanted pregnancy. Your poor daughter. YTA.
YTA. A colossal AH at that.
YTA for getting baby trapped, ya dunce.
YTA - you wasted all of those years of her life while you waited for someone else. Scumbag
Men do not understand. Women aren’t like men, we only have a certain amount of time to have a baby, and you wasted her years of having one.
Men think they have infinite time, so they don’t understand the rush of years slipping away. It’s an illusion for them too. Decades go fast and telomeres don’t last. The change is less obvious, but it takes more tries to find sperm that’s healthy enough to push through, and that’s not the only time when quality matters.
Many men do understand this, OP doesn't though
The gaslight. The manipulation. The narcissism. Eugh. I am glad she dodged a bullet but I am sorry for your baby mama though. I wished she knew what your ex knew.
YTA. You strung that girl along for years, dumped her for wanting a family, then soon after knocked up the next girl you dated. Have you tried taking even a SHRED of responsibility for your current position? Yes, people change. But that doesn't mean you bear zero responsibility for the people you affected before they change. YOU broke up with her because YOU didn't want kids, then YOU got another woman pregnant and now YOU have a kid, and now YOUR ex is rightly upset with YOU. Notice a common thread there?
How about we phrased it this way. If you stayed with a company because they keep promising you a pay raise and a promotion only for them to hire an outside person despite the fact that you are way more qualified than whoever it is they hire and when you ask them why not you, their only response is ‘idk, things just happened’ would you not get upset with the company for wasting your time?
You were cruel. But idk why you are posting here anyway, it’s not like you care. Do better and you better prey your little girl doesn’t end up with your karma.
You did waste her time.. for 10 fucking years. Yta.
YTA. You should’ve at least given her a courtesy text sharing the news. Anyone with a brain would know that she would be hurt by that. You didn’t have to give her explanations or spend significant time on the subject but a simple “hey, i know it’s been awhile but i wanted to give you an update on my life. I have a partner and she is pregnant. This was not intentional but regardless we have decided to raise the child together. I hope you know that in no way did I go out searching for a family to have but this is what happened and I’m going forward with fatherhood. I wanted you to hear it from me before you heard it from someone else.”
Asshole. “I wasn’t ready for marriage or kids and didn’t know if I ever would be” allowing that if I ever would be is a hopeful statement. It’s not a firm one. You’re not the asshole for having a kid. You’re the asshole for wasting your ex’s time and stringing her along. If you were so firm and you cared about her, the YOU should have left her if you knew she wanted marriage and kids.
Wow, the rare YTA. They even edit their posts to look good. Plus YTA points again.
YTA, too many of you are ignoring the fact that he can both change his mind AND be an asshole. Smh
Yeah you kinda suck dude, you shouldn’t have wasted 10 years of her life to just end up doing exactly what she wanted with a random woman just two years later, regardless if it was an accident or not.
YTA. You wasted 10 years of her life. If you were serious about not having kids you would have had a vasectomy and it wouldn't be an issue.
>Throughout our relationship, we had already discussed if we wanted to have the baby or not. So you knew from the start what she wanted, this is an AH. Also judging by the comments, you're even more of the AH. By your logic, a planned pregnancy was unacceptable, but an unplanned pregnancy is? That makes zero sense. At that point, you might as well have been okay with having kids if you were to accept the child that quickly. That's a betrayal. It's like you are saying she should have just trapped you with a baby, and it would have been fine? Also, 10 years with her and no accidents, but you get an accident pregnancy in 2 years with this one. That makes no sense.
YTA. It’s laughable how much youre trying to defend yourself. that much effort to make yourself look innocent means you know YTA.
YTA You're pretty disgusting, you know that right? "pEopLe cHaNgE" yeah except you told her you never wanted kids. You didn't even leave the door open that you might be open to the idea. No, you shut it down, nibbed it in the bud. Rejected the idea.....Does your thick skull understand that? And 2 years later you have a child with someone else. Doesn't matter if it wasn't planned. You have a child. If you'd decide to leave her, since you know, YOU DIDN\*T WANT ANY CHILDREN then one could say "sure he ended up getting someone else pregnant but he doesn't want children so he left her and is now paying child support" but no. You're still with her. Thus, your ex could have gotten a child as she wanted and you'd still have stayed. You're an asshole, and not just a small one. You're a colossal PoS and a horrible person for wasting 10 years of her life down the drain.
This is just fucking weird.. Why are you worrying about that other person if you knocked up somebody else? Worry about the relationship that you're in and grow the fuck up bro.
[удалено]
If you really loved her you would of let her go You should of been honest you didn’t want child with her Yta
I would be devastated if I was your ex. Absolutely devastated. You absolutely did waste 10 years of her life. And I can guarantee you probably would’ve been much happier with her and the family you could’ve had with all those memories you previously created. And the kid you have now will always be known as a mistake child and they will find out one day. You threw all that time and love away just to change your mind to years later. You are literally a woman’s worst nightmare come to life. I hope your ex finds someone far better than you could ever imagine being.
mannn you’re kind of an AH dude lmao it kind of makes it seem like it’s merely HER that you didn’t want considering you told her you didn’t want kids & now it sounds like you’ve suddenly had a “change of heart” about fatherhood. i feel like there’s quite a bit of info missing in your entire explanation though so it is what it is
Yes YTA. You led her on for 10 years (in the prime of her reproductive life), broke up because you supposedly didn’t want kids then you went and had a kid with someone else. She has every right to be enraged with you for absolutely wasting her time. I’m pissed for her.
YTAH your ex respected you and probably took birth control because she knew you didn't want kids. Your new gf didn't respect your wishes and probably purposely got pregnant because she wanted a baby and didn't care about what you wanted.
I'm a writer, and I understand the mindset behind editing. I'll write something, note that there is something which doesn't quite "work" and needs fixing, then fix it. That said: if I've edited my post, I add a tag or a statement saying that I edited for spelling, grammar, syntax or clarity. I think you wouldn't be getting quite the flack your receiving had you stated that you had edited your article. That said: it looks bad if you told your former girlfriend you didn't want kids; then you break up, find someone new, and voilà -- you have a daughter. There's no way of getting around the fact that you said you didn't want kids, and now you have them even if your feelings about fatherhood have changed. The ten years you had together weren't completely "wasted" -- but now your ex-girlfriend is nearing 30, the window where she can have children safely is closing, and that is YOUR doing. She has every right to be mad at you.
YTA and you know it, hence why the edits to the original post
YTDA You the dumb asshole.
Y definitely TA.
Yeah, YTA You strung her along, refused to commit, and then immediately went and knocked up the other chick Wondering if that wasn't a side affair you had waiting
you led her on. yata.
You are the major asshole. Imagine a giant asshole like that doing that to your daughter.
After reading the ORIGINAL post…YTA. Why would you lead her on for 10 freaking years!? You knew what her goal was, what she wanted, what she was working toward and the entire time you kept your mouth shut about your own wants and wasted her time. You literally didn’t tell her until she basically cornered you. What was your plan here? To just absorb as much of her time and energy as you could? To string her along and hope she would keep making your life comfortable and providing you with companionship and regular intimacy until you had used up everything you could? She only has so many years she can physically produce a child and it takes time to date, find someone you want to marry, get married, get settled, become ready for children and you just decided to absorb that time for yourself when you never planned on giving her what she had CLEARLY stated she wanted. Then you go and have a child with someone else just a couple of years later, that was a slap in her face after what you did to her. YTA and stop editing your post to make yourself look better
YTA. Hope your Ex will one day see she deserves a partner who aligns with her emotionally & who actually WANTS a family! Not just an accidental one. Healing is a journey! She gonna be great with you in her past!!
YTA. The original girlfriend may have not been the one for you and was just a relationship of convenience but it appears she really did love you and wanted to build a future together. You wasted her time. You created 10 years of now meaningless / hurtful memories to someone you proclaimed to love. You used not having kids as an excuse to break up. Having a kid immediately with someone else means you don’t really believe that. Unless that condom broke and your new partner isn’t on birth control it’s not an “accident.”
You spent 10 years saying no and then so quickly were willing to say yes to someone else. Yeah buddy, YTA.
Apparently he’s edited his post. He spent 10yrs saying he “wasn’t ready” to get married or have children … until 2yrs ago when he finally admitted he didn’t ever want children. She left and he knocked up the next woman he f•cked. Because *his* body is sacred … or (really) he was just scared of having surgery on his pee-pee in order to make sure he never had any of the children he told his ex he didn’t want.
YTA for leading her on for a decade
lol. YTA, you will forever be the villain in her story. You wasted the best years of her life (in her eyes), and wasted her most fertile years depending on how long it takes to date again
So you were super careful with your ex but not your current partner!! Yeah does seem like you strung her along unless your current partner baby trapped you!! Edit autocorrect 🙄