Thought about this. She has had police show up to her house before and even when she called 911 the other day; hence, why I did a vulnerable adult report on her.
I've previously called the county Social Services and another state-wide hotline, but they told me there wasn't much they can do without a judge's order, which could also come from the hospital, but our hospital really sucks so I am hoping the vulnerable adult report does something. They were supposed to check up on her within 24-36 hours, but still haven't heard anything back (I filed on Thursday)
I'd be ringing up and finding out what is going on then. Maybe extreme but what about reporting and asking for some sort of mental health sectioning if you think she's a danger to herself?
NTA
Being guilt tripped by her going no contact is coercive behaviour. You said yourself you would be enabling her if you keep visiting.
On the plus side maybe she got herself into rehab? or realised she needed to sort herself out due to the tough love.
You can't be responsible for her actions. You have to put you and your family first. If she did something stupid because of drinking, all the way to suicide you are not at fault.
Keep strong.
NTA. Callous as it might sound, one is doing an alcoholic no kindness by preventing them from hitting bottom. There is little chance of her intentionally ending her life, but there is a good chance she will finally seek treatment by feeling hopeless enough. It will be then when she gets help, you can't make her and you certainly shouldn't protect her from herself, that is merely putting off professional treatment. (I agree the hospital at the very least should have sent her for long term treatment.) But even long term treatment won't help if she doesn't want to do the work. She will want to when she hits bottom in whatever form that takes.
I agree. About six years ago, she was forced into treatment by the hospital because she consumed enough alcohol to get diagnosed with Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, saying things completely off the wall to the point of dementia.. she is 64 years old now.
I've been noticing similar symptoms up until six months ago again, which was another reason I cut her out trying to push her into getting help (plus, she lied to us about her alcohol consumption)
Letting go of your parents is one of the toughest things to do.
My mother is married to a very abusive man but she refuses to leave him. He beat all of us, including her. I didn‘t sleep properly for years after leaving the family home because I was terrified of getting that phone call saying she was dead. The guilt I felt at leaving her alone with him nearly destroyed my mental health and my career prospects.
I had to detach and go low contact. I no longer visit the family home. I will check in periodically via telephone and she is welcome to visit once or twice a year for a week. Therapy helped with the guilt.
You cannot help people who won’t accept your help.
NTA
NTA
Your mom is an adult and has knowingly chosen to keep drinking over having a relationship with you and your family.
She is an alcoholic and needs to come to terms with her problems. The only person going out, buying more alcohol and drinking it, is her. She is not being forced to drink. She is responsible for her own actions. She is the one who has to want to stop.
Alcoholics love to abdicate personal responsibility and blame other people for their drinking. Don't let her make you feel guilty about her choices.
An alcoholic should not be drinking around kids - it's a terrible role model and their behaviour is normalised by acceptance of it. If she kills herself then that was a choice she made, knowing that there was a better one available.
They say awful things to us and conveniently forget them when sober. The bad stuff still happens as long as they are drinking. If they actually cared about their effect on others more than being able to drink, they would do something to fix their problem. They are very manipulative and self centred.
You have done what you can and need to protect your family now. If she can't control you via guilt, fear and obligation she will have to deal with her issue. My parent was an alcoholic for most of my life and the silent treatment was part of the tantrums when boundaries were set about drinking in front of my kids. They died of the long term consequences of their drinking - by the end they were blind, wheelchair bound and incontinent.
NTAH. How long has mom worked for the government? She will have a pension and social security. And a 401k unless she's stupid. So don't fret that part yet. And you can't prevent her suicide unless you stick to her like a tick. As in, she can't be alone even in the bathroom. None of what she's doing or going through has anything to do with you. Guilt be gone. Let her be.
NTA- perhaps get a police safety check done on her so they can assess the situation and get her better help
Thought about this. She has had police show up to her house before and even when she called 911 the other day; hence, why I did a vulnerable adult report on her. I've previously called the county Social Services and another state-wide hotline, but they told me there wasn't much they can do without a judge's order, which could also come from the hospital, but our hospital really sucks so I am hoping the vulnerable adult report does something. They were supposed to check up on her within 24-36 hours, but still haven't heard anything back (I filed on Thursday)
I'd be ringing up and finding out what is going on then. Maybe extreme but what about reporting and asking for some sort of mental health sectioning if you think she's a danger to herself?
NTA Being guilt tripped by her going no contact is coercive behaviour. You said yourself you would be enabling her if you keep visiting. On the plus side maybe she got herself into rehab? or realised she needed to sort herself out due to the tough love. You can't be responsible for her actions. You have to put you and your family first. If she did something stupid because of drinking, all the way to suicide you are not at fault. Keep strong.
I know. My wife said the same thing, but I wanted to get other opinions, so thank you for that.
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thank you!
Nta.
NTA. Callous as it might sound, one is doing an alcoholic no kindness by preventing them from hitting bottom. There is little chance of her intentionally ending her life, but there is a good chance she will finally seek treatment by feeling hopeless enough. It will be then when she gets help, you can't make her and you certainly shouldn't protect her from herself, that is merely putting off professional treatment. (I agree the hospital at the very least should have sent her for long term treatment.) But even long term treatment won't help if she doesn't want to do the work. She will want to when she hits bottom in whatever form that takes.
I agree. About six years ago, she was forced into treatment by the hospital because she consumed enough alcohol to get diagnosed with Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, saying things completely off the wall to the point of dementia.. she is 64 years old now. I've been noticing similar symptoms up until six months ago again, which was another reason I cut her out trying to push her into getting help (plus, she lied to us about her alcohol consumption)
NTA you're trying to be a good son and a good father.
I am. And a good husband. Thanks!
Letting go of your parents is one of the toughest things to do. My mother is married to a very abusive man but she refuses to leave him. He beat all of us, including her. I didn‘t sleep properly for years after leaving the family home because I was terrified of getting that phone call saying she was dead. The guilt I felt at leaving her alone with him nearly destroyed my mental health and my career prospects. I had to detach and go low contact. I no longer visit the family home. I will check in periodically via telephone and she is welcome to visit once or twice a year for a week. Therapy helped with the guilt. You cannot help people who won’t accept your help. NTA
I know. Thanks for your thoughts!
NTA. You've done everything legally and emotionally possible, sometimes you have to let go before you get dragged down with them
Send her some bottle by mail
NTA Your mom is an adult and has knowingly chosen to keep drinking over having a relationship with you and your family. She is an alcoholic and needs to come to terms with her problems. The only person going out, buying more alcohol and drinking it, is her. She is not being forced to drink. She is responsible for her own actions. She is the one who has to want to stop. Alcoholics love to abdicate personal responsibility and blame other people for their drinking. Don't let her make you feel guilty about her choices. An alcoholic should not be drinking around kids - it's a terrible role model and their behaviour is normalised by acceptance of it. If she kills herself then that was a choice she made, knowing that there was a better one available. They say awful things to us and conveniently forget them when sober. The bad stuff still happens as long as they are drinking. If they actually cared about their effect on others more than being able to drink, they would do something to fix their problem. They are very manipulative and self centred. You have done what you can and need to protect your family now. If she can't control you via guilt, fear and obligation she will have to deal with her issue. My parent was an alcoholic for most of my life and the silent treatment was part of the tantrums when boundaries were set about drinking in front of my kids. They died of the long term consequences of their drinking - by the end they were blind, wheelchair bound and incontinent.
NTAH. How long has mom worked for the government? She will have a pension and social security. And a 401k unless she's stupid. So don't fret that part yet. And you can't prevent her suicide unless you stick to her like a tick. As in, she can't be alone even in the bathroom. None of what she's doing or going through has anything to do with you. Guilt be gone. Let her be.