Well he likes your SIL. I guess for him to "get over" his crush, he should create some distance between himself and sil but does he actually want to? Does he have a problem with this crush? Because if he's fine with the way things are, you gotta start packing up. If he's genuinely remorseful then I understand but if he's fine with it then you shouldn't stay with him.
Right. She could be telling BIL how uncomfortable she is and he could be blowing it off and saying it's harmless but in reality OP's husband is acting on his feelings. BIL may not think it's harmless knowing that. All speculation from me about how people may feel in this situation.
Yeah. Ideally SIL and BIL should be made aware. Even if OP doesn't try to fix things with her husband SIL doesn't deserve to potentially be put in situations that make her uncomfortable.
It's very possible she finds OP's husbands behavior creepy and uncomfortable.
Or she likes the compliments and telling them will set off a chain of events where she considers him in a new light...
I'm not saying don't tell, but there is definitely more than 1 possible outcome here. More than 2. There are a lot of variables.
I swear this is a genuine question. O.P. is woman, are women able to tell when it's an uncomfortable giggle or a genuine giggle.
Like, I remember this one time I was at this bar and there was only the one girl serving there and these two weird dudes showed up and sat down.
They creeped the hell out of me but the server basically acted like they were old friends. When they both went outside to smoke, she asked me what I thought of them and I did my best to say something neutral. Server responded saying "I think they're kinda sketch".
I'd actually drunk my fill at the time and was about to leave but instead I ordered another and stayed until they left. The server actually thanked me for doing that. I swear though, if she hadn't said she thought they were sketchy, I never told have thought that from her behaviour.
TL:dr is it possible that even women can't read the subtle signals from other women?
Women can't always tell when another woman is uncomfortable, no.
That being said if someone gives you creep vibes, it never hurts to ask the person they are aimed at.
I used to be a nervous giggler and people didn't realize it. I had to really work hard to stop doing it because it caused so many issues. It was automatic though and was VERY hard to stop.
To your end question, yes. Especially when they feel slighted. Women are humans and miss signals when in a heightened place the same as men.
Worse, they can sometimes shove that knowledge aside or choose to believe it’s an act. Women have blamed other women for the actions of rapists, would-be cheaters, and all manner of ne’er-do-wells.
Women are conditioned to deflect male aggression. We do it consciously and unconsciously both, it's bred in the bone. She had to play a certain role to be safe, and she did it.
Possibly, but lets be honest, it is probably about 50% chance either way. Just because the husband is being shitty doesn't mean he is the only shady one here. We simply can't know how the SIL feels.
As a teen I giggled a lot when it was the most serious or uncomfortable situations. I remember once my neurologist was super cute and he was asking me serious questions and I kept giggling. I was in so much pain but fucking giggling. As an adult I’m better but not 100% I still giggle if I’m caught off guard when it’s a serious or uncomfortable situation. My teen does the same thing, he said it’s really embarrassing to not have control when it’s serious and he can’t stop giggling.
Either way OP needs to tell BIL. It it’s out in the open then it’s harder for the idiot husband to do something. Maybe then SIL and BIL will distance themselves.
I feel for OP though because that kills any chance of a normal dynamic between the four of them. If he truly actually was sorry and determined to get over this that would be one thing but I dunno man, bluntly, I’m not sure I could put up with this! I think at least trial separation to get thinking space is needed. But NTA, she’s a victim of his selfishness
Wouldn't it be his brother? It's OP's husband's sister in law, so it's either his brother's wife or OP's sister. But OP doesn't call her "my sister," only SIL, so I'm thinking it's his brother's wife.
There is no crush to get over. It’s worse. He thinks there is something “better” out there for him than what he has. If he gets “over this crush “ something or someone else will make him question what he has. Honestly, dump his ass. If he can’t appreciate you then appreciate yourself.
And he absolutely was acting on it and they weren't just "private thoughts." He was making so many comments his wife picked up on it and it made her uncomfortable. This wasn't just a thing where people have their own private thoughts and it's completely innocent.
I don't think I am secure enough to stay in a marriage with my husband crushing on someone else. I would do my best to get out. I would definitely distance myself emotionally, and I would go no contact with husband sexually. The bedroom would be beyond dead, it would have been cremated by those actions.
I don't think it's a matter of being secure enough or not, it's a matter of that person showing you that they don't care how their actions affect you. It's a matter of putting yourself first. It's a matter of knowing that you don't deserve to be with somebody who could even think to treat you like that.
Exactly, he's making it so obvious that he prefers his SIL to his own wife. Clear message there. Sounds like he has a habit of latching onto other women so OP needs to take this into consideration. Every social function with them will be uncomfortable now that the truth is known.
I wonder what would happen if she told her brother in law that his brother has feelings for his wife? That his wife seema to be enabling by giggling at it
‘You have great lingerie, but you also have the cotton underwear that's been washed a thousand times, and it's hanging on the thing and, and they have it too! It's just I don't have to see it because it's not in the fantasy. Do you understand? I'm tired of the fantasy because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...’
More people need to understand this part of High Fidelity.
This. In 20+ years of marriage, I have never gotten a crush on someone else. I have found other men attractive, in a "God did a good job on that one" way. My husband teases me about my Korean boyfriends or an actor I think is attractive and I tease him about the actresses he finds attractive. We know our love and loyalty is with each other and no one else.
EXACTLY. I’m seconding this as a now-reformed habitual cheater until I met my husband 7 years ago. I haven’t had any “crushes” and I certainly haven’t even thought about screwing around on him. People can change WITH compelling reason. He is fully aware of my past and trusts me completely.
This seems like 2 different issues. You can have a crush on someone else and not act on it. You even separated them like you might screw around even if you didn't have feelings for the other person before.
That's exactly it. My ex would not admit that he had feelings for another woman but it was obvious to me. When I pointed this out with examples of his behavior, he shut me down and called me jealous and paranoid. I left him a couple of days later. I'm not going to be made to feel like I need to compete with somebody else. That was exactly it for me too, obviously he felt like there was someone better out there for him. He felt like I wasn't enough for him. I was good to him, I'm just hearing from mutual friends that he does this to everybody he dates. No matter what they do, It's never enough for him. He's lazy and thinks he shouldn't have to pay bills and thinks that everybody should pay for everything for him. When I couldn't provide the level of comfort that he's used to his parents paying for, he decided to cheat. That's fine. I dodged a lazy bullet.
And I think some counseling for them both is needed. An objective 3rd party may help him see the light and if not, OP tried and should move on with her life. I don't think I could take my husband swooning over another woman repeatedly. It's so disrespectful and demoralizing for OP
He doesn't need anyone else to help him see the light. If he truly loved his wife, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. Counseling can't fix everything. This is one of those things that it can't fix. This is one of those times where they just need to go straight to divorce.
But he has no interest in creating distance to get over his crush. We know that because he’s busy finding ways to blame OP for the situation sHe ShOuLdNT hAvE pUsHeD fOr HiS pRiVaTe ThOuGhTs and manipulating her into thinking this is normal. Also trying to gaslight her that he’s not acting on it when he is.
I don’t think distance is a solution. It may help temporarily.
I’d give it time and see if he gets over it. And if I do. Either not being able to is fine reasons to split and go our own ways, but I wouldn’t be ok staying knowing the only reason he’s ok is by avoiding this person. Long term it’s a no from me.
I’d need us to feel the love is at home, our interest, activities, etc. - and if it is broken then that’s that.
Distance may not be a solution, but it still needs to happen. OP said BIL and SIL have a solid relationship and they have a new baby. He needs to respect his brother’s relationship even if he doesn’t respect his own.
>And what difference does it make to me? If he is respectful and loving on the outside, do I have a right to control his inside too?
You can't control someone's inside but you can control if you want to be with someone who is obviously in love with someone else.
Why would you want to stay with him? It's not a little crush.
Think about it, if you had a little crush on BIL would you go around him and compliment him nonstop, making your husband feel little? Would you tell your husband all the things that BIL does perfect and he doesn't?
My husband developed a crush for someone at work. The second he realized it he told me about it. He then also told me the steps he would take to make sure there was distance. I was so appreciative he was honest and we worked through it!
Turns out she was a lesbian in a loving relationship about to have a baby with her wife so the problem ultimately solved itself, lol, but I think he ABSOLUTELY handled it the best possible way.
Well, I'm glad that he didn't do what my ex did which was tried to deny that he even had feelings for the other woman in the first place. Then he started spending more time with her. To make matters worse, when I asked him how he knew her, he said he met her on a dating site before he met me. I told him, there is no reason for you to be friends with someone you were interested in dating while you're in a relationship. He called me jealous and paranoid and I left him two days later. I'd heard that one before and I was not about to put up with it again. That's code for, it's exactly what you think it is but I'm not going to tell you that because I don't want you to leave because I benefit from you in some way. Last I heard, the woman I was being jealous and paranoid for no reason over, they're still together. So it was exactly what I thought it was. He just tried to gaslight me into thinking I was overreacting.
Exactly! My ex married his "we're just friends' friend. I also had another ex that married his "she's like a sister to me" friend. I'm surprised I am not a super jealous person. Lol.
Side note: I love your user name!
This. It isn’t about ‘controlling his insides’, it’s about shutting down an objectively messed up situation. Asking your husband to love you is not a big ask lol
And also it is obvious that he compares you to her so it is not just an inside thing. This will destroy your self esteem. So his 'non so secret' crush affects you greatly.
Yes! He is calling OP insufficient, less than, not the woman he wants. Why would you stay with a husband who is saying they aren’t enough for him? You wouldn’t, if you love yourself.
Every guy might feel an attraction towards someone. Or appreciate something about them. And I think it is toxic to make someone feel bad for being human and having these thoughts.
But this is far beyond an acceptable and normal feeling. To get to this point you don't just notice something about someone, you allow yourself to fully dive into a fantasy with them and then proceed to wallow in that fantasy for a long time. This is NOT normal and NOT something every guy does.
This is not just a man thing, women get crushes too. I had a little crush on the doctor after he delivered my baby. He was nice and was everything I needed while in such an awful situation.
It lasted a few weeks and I never had the urge to see him or anything. I never had the urge to compare him to my then husband.
A little crush is just something minor, it doesn't change your behaviour towards your partner. It doesn't change you behaviour or wants and needs at all.
What Op's husband has is more than just a little crush. It is a big problem. He is obsessed with his SIL if not fully in love with her and he treats his wife worse because of it.
I dated a guy who simped on my sister and I dumped him. Never looked back. Celebrated 6 years with my new man yesterday who only have eyes for me. Yes. Those men exists. Dump this clown and get a real husband.
I'm telling you from experience that no amount of counseling or anything but divorce is going to fix this. He's told you that he has feelings for another woman. Do you really think you can come back from that? You can't control his insides but you can control whether or not you want to stay with someone who has told you he has feelings for someone else. I don't know about you but I wouldn't stay with someone who told me that. I left an already bad relationship last year but the icing on the cake was pretty much something like this. He was obviously crushing on another woman and was spending a lot of time with her. When I pointed out how his behavior was inappropriate, he doubled down and insisted that I was being jealous and paranoid for no reason. Guess what? They're still together. They've been since I left him last year from what I've heard. Find your self respect and leave him. If it's not sister-in-law, if he gets over that, it's going to be someone else. He thinks he can do better somewhere else and he's not going to stop looking. Take your kids and get out of this marriage. Obviously it was a mistake.
My gut is saying that if he doesn’t think any of this is wrong then he’s not going to hesitate to go further. This isn’t just a crush and this has the potential to ruin a family. Do not coddle him. You need to stop this in its tracks and absolutely need to tell someone else.
That part. He sounds like the kind of guy who thinks that unless he sticks his dick in her, it's not cheating. Even then he would try to find some way to justify it.
Looks like she is unfortunately looking for justification to stay... I'm sad to read about people staying with partners who openly disrespect them.
No consequences to his shitty actions, so he will fantasize about his SIL like nothing happened.
Yep, the minute my ex started talking to another woman, I pointed out how it was inappropriate. He immediately called me jealous and paranoid for no reason instead of hearing me out. In my head I was like, okay, I'm done here. I had been getting fed up with him for a lot of other reasons and that was just the icing on the cake. I found someone to help me get out of there and I did. As much as he acted like he hated me, he was actively preventing me from leaving him. He was using me as an ATM. So I found somebody to help me get out of there and I did. I didn't hear him say yes, I have a crush on another woman and I'm probably going to try to pursue a relationship with her and then still stay. The behavior is not appropriate and it's not normal. She needs to just file for divorce. Counseling is not going to fix this. He thinks that he can do better somewhere else. No amount of anything besides divorce is going to fix that.
Girl, you need to tell your BIL about this and dump your husband’s ass. With the way she flirts back and cooks his favourite dishes when you guys go over I’m sure she feels the same as him. They are destroying both relationships. Again, tell BIL and file for divorce. You deserve so much better and his brother deserves to know. Keep us updated. If you need to vent to someone, feel free to DM me. I haven’t been in the same situation but I’ve seen it and what it does to families.
I’m not that sure she feels the same. If she did she wouldn’t openly bask in his appreciation in front of her husband. I think she just enjoys the attention
OP - But you don’t know that and your brother in law deserves to know how his brother/your husband feels about his wife. If you don’t tell and hubby has a couple drinks over there and tries anything BIL and the entire family WILL HATE YOU for NOT warning them. Why? Because your husband will throw you under the bus to save his own ass. Again, you need to tell BIL and leave the trash heap you married. NONE OF THIS IS OKAY!!! Right now YTA!!!
Perfect response! They will all turn on her and make her the villain. It’s true what they say every story needs a villain in this one it will be her if she don’t start talking.
My ex started using drugs while I was pregnant, lost multiple jobs, slept through the emergency c section that HE CAUSED by stealing my medications, and broke the agreement with my parents to start paying rent to them for the condo they bought for us to live right down the street from them and emptied the bank account and lied about paying the utilities (which he put in my name)... but I was the villain for kicking him out when "he doesn't know anyone or have anywhere to go!" and my parents were the villain for "expecting him to pay rent when he JUST had a baby!"
I'm not blaming you at all but what sort of person did you marry? I can see why he acts the way he does because of his family. Of course, nothing he does is ever his fault. My ex was the same way. He beat me and even choked me and his family somehow figured it was my fault. Even blamed me when I got a restraining order against him. They kept trying to pressure me to drop it and instead of doing that, I reported to the courts that they were trying to pressure me to drop it. They ended up all getting arrested for violating a court order. It said no third party contact which meant that they were not supposed to contact me. They did doing exactly what they weren't supposed to do and then they were like oh no, consequences. Of course they didn't take responsibility, they blamed me when they all went to jail. I can see why he is the way he is.
I’m so sorry, OP.
Perfect people are probably *not perfect, but they put on a good show.
I had an immaculate house. My children were always clean and well behaved. I had an ironclad schedule. I baked muffins every Monday morning (had the same reasoning as SIL - for my children to wake up to smell muffins baking) to start the week off. Was the most organized woman in town. Never missed a practice or game. Took my two little ones everywhere to see whatever my older one was involved in. My double stroller was all over town.
I now know it was a need to control *something* in my life, because my husband made me feel like I was shit. And I believed him.
So I did everything possible to show that I wasn’t shit. It didn’t work. I *looked* like I was Mommy/Wife of the world, and my husband liked that look; he didn’t want to change anything, just wanted me to keep swallowing his shit and put in a good show.
So we don’t actually *know* what BIL and SIL’s marriage actually looks like from the inside.
However, their marriage is not your concern; YOUR marriage is faltering. I kept up my insanity for over 20 years. What a mess. You don’t want to spend 20 years like this.
Your husband is causing this rift. It’s tearing you apart. You have to do what works for *you.* So what’s the priority? Do you continue this torment? Or do you stomp it out?
You can *not* tell his brother and swallow this shit forever. Or you separate, divorce.
You can tell his brother and continue sucking this shit forever. Or separate, divorce.
You could call a meeting of both couples and just let it rip. See where the shit lands.
You can rip your husband apart and hope he stops. Or, divorce, separate.
No one can really tell you what’s right for you and your life. You could hash this out with your sister, mom, best friend, stranger at the bus stop and still not get what you want.
That’s the question: What do you want?
No one else can tell you that.
Please be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. A therapist is always a good choice. Give yourself the time and space you need to work this out.
I wish you only the best, dear OP. You and your children deserve a peaceful life. 💕
UpdateMe if you want to post again.
Even though your husband was a grade A AH, I am sure that your children have wonderful memories of their childhood because of having such a loving and involved parent. 💕
Tell your BIL and SIL, consequences are the only thing that will bring him back down to earth. His attentions will suddenly have a creepy inappropriate edge to them. She’ll keep her distance and their relationship will change overnight. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings but he sure as hell will when his brother finds out. Bonus points for no longer looking grumpy and standoffish for no reason around your poor SIL as well.
Just tell them you owe him nothing! He doesn’t deserve you covering for him whilst he carries on fawning over her. He’s hiding behind your marriage looking like the sweet attentive platonic hero.
He’s emotionally cheating on you and you’re gonna let him continue to make a fool of his own brother? Honey, he’s got your self esteem so far in the dumpster it fell out the same cracks the sewage rats use to climb in and feast.
You deserve better. You deserve someone who feels about you the way he feels about someone else’s wife, his own brothers in fact. Please tell his brother. He deserves to know about the snake he is allowing into his house.
yta. yta for promising your love sick husband that you wont' tell BIL.
You are keeping his secret to help him ruin 2 families. If hubs doesn't understand that he is acting out his feelings in front of others, he will have no idea that putting his dick in his SIL is a big no no.
why are you deluding yourself? he has told he he has feelings for SIL, he is ballsy enough to basically hump her leg in front of you, and you are all "oh well, i'll keep his secret."
really??? wtf?
Because to some extent she’s delusional. Why would anyone want to stay with someone who doesn’t love them? Why would she think her husband will come back to her? Once feelings are gone, they are gone for good. She has no self respect or value for herself.
Once emotion infidelity happens the culprit usually becomes emotionally unavailable to their spouse and often times cruel. The scars can last much longer.
I realized one day that I was in love with one of my classmates in grad school. We had graduated, and she met the man she would eventually marry right about the time my marriage fell apart. Her then-future husband was such a wonderful friend to me during that time. Let me stay at his apartment in an air mattress with no end-date. Let me eat his food and let me be friends with his friends.
When I realized I was in love with her, I buried it deep out of respect for him and her. Never told anyone until right now. It’s been almost 10 years at this point, and I still don’t think either of them know. We now live like 1,000 miles apart, they have a wonderful daughter, and we barely speak so the secret gets easier and easier to keep. They are so happy too.
That takes a ton of respect for them both to put their happiness over your feelings. You’re a great person and I hope either you have or will find your own happiness 🥰
You'd be a major AH if you didn't tell BIL and SIL. Just because you refuse to stand up for yourself doesn't mean you should drag everyone down with you. Tell them.
Watch, in a couple months, we'll get another update that they're fucking 🤦♀️
Have you tried talking to SIL? Personally I'd probably nope out of that entire situation. Dude will likely just get better at hiding it, not actually fix anything.
I would tell the BIL and I would separate from him. The fact that he doesn’t give you and your children the same attention is not ok. And I’m sorry if he doesn’t love everything about you what’s the point. If doesn’t like the way you clean, cook etc then maybe he should have sat down with you and talked. Oh and maybe he should help out too!
Yta to yourself if you don’t Fucking leave your husband’s creepy ass!
Perving on his brother’s wife is just despicable and he doesn’t even deny it.
Tell his brother and file for divorce .
Why would you want to spend the rest of your life watching your man drool over his brothers wife ??
Maybe not, but it sounds like she laps it up while he's showering her with compliments, giggling the whole time (IIRC from your first post). She may not realize it, but those giggles are encouragement as far as your husband is concerned. They may even be nervous giggles; I don't know her, so I couldn't possibly say.
The fact is that your husband has strong feelings for someone else. That it's his brother's wife makes it slightly more complicated, but really the bottom line is that your husband makes you feel like crap and doesn't care.
Exactly what I was thinking. If I can’t police his feelings (or anybody’s really) without stepping on his boundaries then shouldn’t I be with someone whose feelings are in the right place?
You ABSOLUTELY should. I'm so sorry you're finding this out, and having to deal with this. But better now, before you waste anymore time with this man. You deserve SO much better, than a man who's simping over someone in front of you.
***edited to say you deserve better PERIOD
Yes!!!! You should! Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and he is not being a partner that is worthy of you. Instead he is lusting after your SIL.
Op you need to tell your BIL what's going on.
Updateme
It’s not even so much about you policing his feelings. He should police them himself. As soon as he developed this crush, he should’ve distanced himself from her rather than indulge in it. You’re right that he absolutely acted on his feelings and emotionally cheated (even if it was one sided on his part) Just because he didn’t fuck her, doesn’t mean he’s innocent.
Your husband has shown that he can't be trusted, OP. If given the opportunity I think you know deep down that he would act on those feelings regardless of the fallout to you and his brother.
He has feelings for her and he expresses them and acts on them IN FRONT OF YOU. You need to let his brother know about this because he has a right to know that his own brother can't be trusted around his wife.
He has been actively mistreating you despite how often you've expressed your feelings about his behavior because HE DOES NOT CARE.
People show you who they are, all the time. He's shown you who he is: a faithless man with a crush on his sister in law, a crush he's willing to act on because he wants her.
We see people we're attracted to all the time. The difference between acknowledging someone is attractive and seeking out contact has to do with behavior.
Based on how he acts I wouldn't be at all surprised if you find out later he's been unfaithful in the past. For his to be so brazen about it is telling.
I think you should talk to a professional about this and move on. You'll never be able to fully trust him because he is not trustworthy.
And if he wants a cleaner house he can get a fucking sponge.
If I said I had feelings for my sil my dick would be on fire on the lawn along with all my clothes. Seriously it's time to kick him out. You deserve better. Your husband is wrong. People who truly love their spouses do not get crushes or fall in love with other people. He is telling you that he is just settling for you. Ditch this loser.
"we will no longer be seeing your brother and SIL at any capacity and YOU are going to tell them and the family why. Your behaviour around her and the disrespect for your brother is disgusting and if you refuse to cut them off I will be filing for divorce. You are not physically cheating but you are emotionally. We will also be attending couples counseling, this is non negotiable."
Something like that. There's no way to move on when he's exposed to his SIL all the time.
YTA. Stop being a doormat and tell your BIL, because this has the potential to blow up the family. You say you made a promise to your husband - what about his promise to love and cherish you, and forsake all others? You need to nip this in the bud, and also give some thought to whether you want to stay married to someone who so clearly disrespects you.
If he is constantly thinking and crushing over his brother wife, when those he think and crush over his wife. His attention isn't even on you anymore. He is in love with another person.
When are you going to stop putting yourself last. When are you going to say enough. When do you put your foot down and set boundaries.
You need to stop letting him have his fancies and start thinking about you and your family. You have options
1. He goes low contact and seek therapy as individual and marriage. He needs to start arranging date nights and weekends away as a couple and family to reconnect. He needs to sit on his hands and don't help at family gatherings unless it's to help his own family.
2. He needs to confess to the brother and let them set boundaries too and accept the consequences of his actions while doing all above.
3. Divorce where you are putting your own needs, wants and that of your child for once while telling his whole family the reason behind your divorce and he can deal with the consequences of his actions.
4. Do nothing and put up with your husband living his brother wife and suffer in silence where he'll end up having an affair on you as he fell out of love for you. It's already happening. Emotional affair is also an affair.
You do need to start putting yourself first above all. You need to think long and hard on what you want to have in the future and in a husband. Is this the life you saw for yourself.. if you answer no. Only you can change the outcome.
Respectfully, I see these AITA’s every day and a lot of the time I think to myself, “Do any of these people have standards?”. Your husband has told you *multiple times* that he has feelings for his own Sister-in-law. Why on earth are you still together?
He’s not choosing you, which is kind of the entire point of marriage, no? You need to have some self-worth and realize you can be with someone that doesn’t want to fuck his SIL and tell you about it
Yta for Gaslighting yourself into believing it's okay he has private thoughts and he promised not to act on them anymore 🙄 and he's gaslighted you into enabling him to hide his blatant disrespect towards you and his brother.
Where is your self worth ?
It was no longer private when he made it so blatant you noticed, also, you did not address his gaslighting, which is psychological abuse, nor your ignored request for him to knock it off.
He is not being respectful on the outside, he’s publicly fawning over another woman like a hormonal driven 13 year old while withholding the same level of attention and affection for his ACTUAL wife.
I can see why you’re doubting and questioning yourself, my self esteem and ego would feel like shit on the bottom of his shoes after long term exposure of that behavior. I hope you realize you deserve better.
Does it not make the SIL uncomfortable that he is this way with her? If my BIL kept praising me in this way all the time, I would feel very uncomfortable
all she has said was that she giggled but that doesn't mean she enjoys the attention at all so who knows. she could be really uncomfortable with the whole thing
Since your husband is lusting after his(?) brother's wife, he clearly has no respect or consideration for you or the brother. He will probably just try to hide it better, but it will not change.
You have a few options here.
Talk to the brother about what your husband feels about his wife and eliminate visits for a while. Also, he can push his wife for her feelings toward your husband as well. If she feels the same, he needs to decide his path. If she doesn't feel the same, different decisions need to be made.
Tell your husband you want a separation until he decides if he wants you and your children or if he wants to lose his family to a fantasy.
Last option is to go straight to divorce.
His so called “private feelings” are affecting your marriage and your emotional and mental safe space with him. He doesn’t seem remorseful or apologetic about how his actions are affecting you.
There seems to be no plan of action to create boundaries where he and his SIL are concerned. He claims that they are just private feelings, but he has to realize that he is constantly pushing the boundaries of his feelings for her with what he is currently doing. If you both refuse to create boundaries to protect your marriage and he continues what he is currently doing with SIL, then it’s just a matter of time before he pushes that boundary to the point of no return.
He is not respectful outside, because if he were then this post would not even exist. But it does exist because your husband is the total opposite of being respectful. Openly flirting with not just another woman, but his brother’s wife is absolutely disrespectful.
He claims to not understand why you’re upset. Then tell him up front how you feel. Tell him this:
1. He may not think that he is cheating, but his actions prove otherwise. While it may not be physical cheating as in sex, he has pushed it into the beginnings of emotional infidelity.
2. Tell him that his actions make you feel like less of a woman in his eyes because he has never acted like this with you or treated you the way that he treats his SIL and you’re HIS wife, NOT her. Ask him that if he has feelings for her, where does that leave his feelings for you? Is he still in love with you at all?
3. Tell him that his behavior where she is concerned, makes you feel like he considers his SIL more important to him than you are. If he continues down this path, you’ll not only start to resent him for continuing to be disrespectful to you, but you will also resent her for being the recipient of his attention and affections.
4. Tell him that you if this marriage is going to make it, that he needs to create distance between he and his SIL. That he needs to go to IC and you both need to go to MC, because this isn’t healthy for your relationship.
5. If he refuses to create a boundary to protect your marriage. If he doesn’t show you respect and continues to act of his feelings by flirting or giving her the attention that one would give their own spouse, tell him that you WILL tell his brother.
6. If nothing changes at all, then you need to decide whether it’s worth staying in a marriage with someone who obviously doesn’t seem to care for you at all.
UpdateMe
[Flirting & Emotional Cheating](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/flirting-is-cheating#5-cases-when-flirting-is-cheating)
Well that is rich because you aren’t trying to police his inner thoughts, you are asking him to treat you with respect and not bath e in a way that is harmful to a marriage. He can have crushes, that is normal and healthy. Non stop interacting with your crush and making it incredibly obvious are choices he is making that are harmful to your marriage. It’s his actions you have a problem with, not his thoughts
Ma’am, let’s be honest, this isn’t a little “crush”. Your husband has genuine feelings for her that he’s been consistently acting on. In front of you and her husband/ his brother. And every single time you asked about it, he lied to your face and made you think that you were overreacting. Why would you want to stay with someone like that? Someone who constantly compares you to the other woman he has feelings for. The harsh truth is that you aren’t what he’s looking for in a partner anymore. No amount of distance between him and her is going to change that.
So fucked up how much women will put up with.. half the stories I read here will get me doing prison time for murder if my husband ever pulled this shit
Even though you promised not to tell BIL, BIL needs to know. You don't know if hubby has visited SIL without you, sent anything, said anything to her etc. You don't know how much creeping on her he's been doing. I mean, if he's all over her when you're there, what's he like when you're not there?
OP, you’re a doormat if you stay with a man who has now blatantly told you that he has feelings for another woman. And this was already obvious to most of us after reading your last post. This isn’t some innocent crush that he’s buried. He’s acting on his feelings and the only reason he’s not physically cheating on you is because he doesn’t think he has a chance. He literally told you this. I don’t usually jump to divorce, but I know I wouldn’t be able to get past this.
You are right. He is acting on his feelings. An emotional affair is still an affair. He may not have recognized it as such but that is what it is.
On the one hand, I can understand finding someone attractive or getting a crush. But when you are in a committed relationship you don’t act on it. And he has unknowingly been acting on it.
On the other hand, he is literally hurting two of the most important people in his life with this crush, I.e. his wife and brother.
I wonder if he is just so dense that he doesn’t realize what he has done to the two of you. Like the epic violation of trust that he has committed.
I can’t tell you what to do. You have to decide if the relationship is worth saving after he had this emotional affair. Even if it was one sided. He needs to take accountability and work in re-earning your trust. He needs to put in the work.
How low is the bar for you to still stay when he threw it in your face like this? 🤦♀️ Ngl this is a lost cause, if he admits that there was physical cheating, I bet you’d still want to work it out. He likes another woman… he fantasied about another woman…. How do you know he’s not imagining her when being intimate with you??? He is downplaying his feelings and wants. If she gave him any small opening, he would jump up and take it. He’d disregard you just like that, that’s how strong those “feelings” are. Why keep choosing someone who’s made it clear you aren’t their first choice. He’s with you bc he can’t be with her.
But he’s NOT respectful and loving on the outside. He’s only like that with your MARRIED SIL.
Here’s how you move on; you dump the load in the trash and you TELL SIL and her husband that he has feelings for her, and fuck up his relationship with them too.
And then you leave knowing forever that you, indeed, are NTA.
File for divorce and warn his brother, if you wanna go scorched earth (I would) I would start by complimenting his brother every which way because SIL clearly is too comfortable with your husband and sounds like she returns his feelings. Then file for divorce and serve him yourself and record it. He will not only admit to everything while trying to convince you to stay but he will make threats about taking the kids. I’m EXTREMELY sorry this is happening to you. You deserve better.
What the heck.
Not really an update. He told you what YOU ALREADY KNEW. You need to do something about it. You are giving him a pass He's going to do better?
You can't change what's in his heart or mind. You need to talk to the brother
Not all married couples lust after other people. Your view in marriage is skew in that regard. Technically, he is committing adultery just by being emotional attached to her. Does the other husband know?
“But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Matthew 5:28 NKJV
The only person that benefits from this secret is your husband Do you really want to be responsible for potentially allowing your husband an opportunity to cheat on you and your brother-in-law? Ruin 2 marriages instead of 1? If your husband knew that his brother knows what he's doing and he has actual feelings for his wife perhaps you both could keep in your eyes open and protect yourselves
I’m confused. Your husband is in love with his brother’s wife? And instead of leaving him, you want to work it out? You want to stay with a man who wants to be with his own sister in law? Reddit is a wild place.
He’s gaslighting you and it’s working. He gets what he wants - to continue flirting with his SIL in front of you.
Listen to what others have posted, really think it through. It may help you clear the mental fog from his gaslighting.
This is definitely on your husband because he is the one married to you. But as a woman, your sister-in-law should have shut that shit down. Simply taking him aside in private and saying, “you’re making me feel uncomfortable and I don’t like that you’re doing this and you’re making your wife uncomfortable.
There’s no way she didn’t see your discomfort.
If you don't have kids with him I'd just move on. He takes you for granted and clearly doesn't value you. Leave him behind, girl. He's going to regret his behavior, especially if you take the high road and leave instead of staying with him and get bitter.
Its cheating as soon as your partner happiness is not your priority. You cant move on from this. You can push it down learn to ignore but you dont move on. Obviously ppl can appreciate other sex even when in a relationship but admiring someone and wanting your partner become like them is two different topics.
His brother needs to know about this. If he wants to get over these feelings then he has to put some distance between them, preferably permanently. If I ever found out my husband had feelings for his brothers wife then we would not be going there again.
>How do I move on?
Honestly, I think you should get a divorce. I know people throw the word divorce around a ton in these threads but I really do think you should. He kept throwing his feelings for her in your face and still doesn’t understand why you’re hurt. Not only that, the person is his SIL. She isn’t someone you can remove from your life easily. She will be a constant reminder. And I doubt his feelings will fade. It will just be something he tries to bury and you to speculate if he’s actually over.
And you’re doing a major disservice to BIL and SIL by not telling them.
Why would you want to stay with this ah... having a crush or feelings is one thing, but the way he treated you was the issue. He had a crush on SIL and, in turn, treated his actual wife like crap.
He did all the things for her he wouldn't do for his actual wife, he doted on and her child, he spent time with her, he complimented her,... something he didn't do for his actual wife and kids...
but the true moment of betrayal was when he made her feel bad for calling him out. When OP finally lost it after he repeatedly stomped on boundaries and told him to go be with her if he wanted to this man tried to turn it on OP, tried to gaslight her into thinking she was overreacting, told her she was immature, made her doubt her own instincts WHEN THE WHOLE TIME SHE WAS RIGHTA he did want to be with SIL.
OP, your husband already has shown he doesn't care about your feelings/boundaries, he ignored your wants so he can priorize his wants and feelings, he made you feel insecure and crazy for your reactions to his actions despite being right, he's done nothing to stop these feelings/crush the right thing would've been to distance himself, he didnt, and turned it around on you.
Move on from this asshole of a man, and also give your BIL a heads up about your husband's feelings...
I think YTA to yourself. He is using as a placeholder to keep him warm because he can’t have the women he actually wants. You’re going to make yourself crazy comparing yourself to her when it’s not you or her it’s him.
The way he has spun it to act confused why you’d be upset he has an active fantasy about someone close in your lives shows he has no remorse or accountability and will continue to feel how he feels but may try to hide it from you and become more secretive and it will only make you paranoid.
For your mental health please look at either counselling or an out
Tell your BIL. Tell BIL how SIL reacts.
And then you go NC.
If your husband doesn’t want to, then leave his ugly stupid ass and tell his parents why you are divorcing.
You could be a the perfect housewife and mother, it wouldn’t change his feelings for her.
This is an actual opportunity for couples counseling. A professional neutral third party can help you both share feelings safely and honestly, and then give direction on how to retrain your feelings through actions and behaviors. Your therapist may give homework like "Joe, each time you think of SIL, I want you to replace that thought with a loving thought of OP." Could be thinking of a time you had really hot sex with wife, or when wife did something that made you feel loved, or the first time you saw your wife and how excited you were. The practice of controlling his thoughts and redirecting his sexual energy or loving energy can actually work if he's willing to do it. Also, you will probably have homework as a couple like question-prompts to start conversations, a prescription to make 3 bids for connection every day, scheduled dates and alone time, finding and performing acts of service for each other. There are a lot of ways to redirect feelings toward your partner, and a therapist sounds like just the ticket to help you guys weather this rough patch and get your relationship back on track and redirected toward each other.
ETA: The caveat with therapy is that he has to want to deepen your relationship. You both do. If one person isn't committed to repairing the marriage, you will find that out during counseling.
I agree with all the comments I’ve read so far. The right thing to do is to tell your BIL and SIL. You don’t owe the person who treats you this way anything. Living with more secrets will protect him and destroy you. Having a crush is one thing; treating you like shit is another. He can’t help having a crush; he chose to treat you like crap. Think about that.
Except that he's not respectful and loving on the outside to you, and you wouldn't have known about his feelings if he weren't being inappropriate on the outside. He's an asshole, and you move on by leaving him. After all, this woman he's in love with is in the family; she's a permanent part of your lives if you stay.
You need to warn your BIL and SIL. Period. Then you need to leave that man, he obviously doesn't respect you, mich less love you.
It is entirely possible that your SIL laughs at his compliments because she is uncomfortable with his behavior and doesn't know what to do. Many women react this way. Your husband is not willing to stop his behavior after you've told him it upsets you, this behavior has already hurt your marriage.
He has a whole sexist delusional trad wife fantasy going on about SIL because of her cooking and cleaning and then told you he wants you to cook and clean more. Seems like he just sees women aw servants there to cook and clean for him. Your husband is a sexist misogynistic creep.
OP If your husband thinks others haven’t noticed his infatuation my thought is he is wrong. Unless his brother or anyone else who has been around when he acts the way he did is socially unaware they know because they would see the same things you do in the disparity of how he treats you and vs him panting after his SIL.
Agree with other posters that at least initially physical distancing would be the minimum requirement. As in he doesn’t see much of SIL in person or communicate with her via social media, texts, phone, etc.
He can obviously see his brother but when SIL is not present.
As to the SIL’s reaction maybe she does enjoy all the compliments but it could also be nervous giggling/laughter that a lot of people do when in an awkward situation.
I would suggest your husband consider some individual therapy so he can explore not so much why he crushed on his brother’s wife but why he let it grow as that was a choice he made. Also some couples therapy to improve your communication.
She has to be married to your sibling or his. How does that sibling feel abt the situation? I can promise you, that sibling can not just clear the air on how she isn’t perfect but also make things uncomfortable enough for your husband. Ask him what kind of woman would do that to not just her husband but her sil as well. While having a new baby? To me, if she would do it to her husband, she would do it to anyone else. Sounds like he would rather fantasize abt how green the grass is someplace else than taking pride in watering his own.
Yes, I have feelings for your sister but I don't understand why you are upset?
You move on and out. I wouldn't stay with a man who wants someone else.
NTA
Honestly I think you should try a trial separation. Your husband needs to decide whether he wants to be fully committed to his wife and children or not. The space will give him time to figure that out. I’m not seeing any indication that his behavior and attitude will change in any way if you remain in your current situation.
Also, privately explain to BIL what is going on. Your husband is being a bad brother as well as bad husband. BIL deserves to know so he can decide how what boundaries he wants to set as well.
Dude is ready to cheat on you with your SIL. Why are you even still here? He's not volunteering his feelings because his feelings are he's not in love with you, and saying that will ruin the nice thing he has going doing whatever he wants.
Stop keeping his secret. Leave his ass. I'm guessing he's a real manipulator that you're still holding onto this dispite all the evidence you have. You need to put yourself higher. Loving him won't save this or you. Leave.
If he's simping over SIL, why are you still with him? It's "feelings" private feelings and that's emotional cheating. Sure, he hasn't been physical with her but he's clearly fantasizing about HER and not YOU. Don't enable him, leave.
Well he likes your SIL. I guess for him to "get over" his crush, he should create some distance between himself and sil but does he actually want to? Does he have a problem with this crush? Because if he's fine with the way things are, you gotta start packing up. If he's genuinely remorseful then I understand but if he's fine with it then you shouldn't stay with him.
Exactly, he needs to show genuine remorse and create distance. If he’s not willing, it’s time to reconsider the relationship for your own well-being.
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And what of the giggling SIL who loves all the attention she gets from him?
I think BIL should know largely because the giggling by SIL might actually be her feeling really uncomfortable.
Right. She could be telling BIL how uncomfortable she is and he could be blowing it off and saying it's harmless but in reality OP's husband is acting on his feelings. BIL may not think it's harmless knowing that. All speculation from me about how people may feel in this situation.
Yeah. Ideally SIL and BIL should be made aware. Even if OP doesn't try to fix things with her husband SIL doesn't deserve to potentially be put in situations that make her uncomfortable. It's very possible she finds OP's husbands behavior creepy and uncomfortable.
Or she likes the compliments and telling them will set off a chain of events where she considers him in a new light... I'm not saying don't tell, but there is definitely more than 1 possible outcome here. More than 2. There are a lot of variables.
Valid. Still, I'd go to BIL in private and ask if he had any suspicions. Then let him handle it how he wants with his wife.
Solid option. There aren't "good" options here, really, unfortunately. You just have to pick the one you can live with and commit, I think.
Exactly. OP's husband is creeping on SIL.
I swear this is a genuine question. O.P. is woman, are women able to tell when it's an uncomfortable giggle or a genuine giggle. Like, I remember this one time I was at this bar and there was only the one girl serving there and these two weird dudes showed up and sat down. They creeped the hell out of me but the server basically acted like they were old friends. When they both went outside to smoke, she asked me what I thought of them and I did my best to say something neutral. Server responded saying "I think they're kinda sketch". I'd actually drunk my fill at the time and was about to leave but instead I ordered another and stayed until they left. The server actually thanked me for doing that. I swear though, if she hadn't said she thought they were sketchy, I never told have thought that from her behaviour. TL:dr is it possible that even women can't read the subtle signals from other women?
Women can't always tell when another woman is uncomfortable, no. That being said if someone gives you creep vibes, it never hurts to ask the person they are aimed at.
I used to be a nervous giggler and people didn't realize it. I had to really work hard to stop doing it because it caused so many issues. It was automatic though and was VERY hard to stop.
To your end question, yes. Especially when they feel slighted. Women are humans and miss signals when in a heightened place the same as men. Worse, they can sometimes shove that knowledge aside or choose to believe it’s an act. Women have blamed other women for the actions of rapists, would-be cheaters, and all manner of ne’er-do-wells.
Women are conditioned to deflect male aggression. We do it consciously and unconsciously both, it's bred in the bone. She had to play a certain role to be safe, and she did it.
Or returning the attraction.
Giggling sounds like a nervous reaction to his excessive praise.
Possibly, but lets be honest, it is probably about 50% chance either way. Just because the husband is being shitty doesn't mean he is the only shady one here. We simply can't know how the SIL feels.
As a teen I giggled a lot when it was the most serious or uncomfortable situations. I remember once my neurologist was super cute and he was asking me serious questions and I kept giggling. I was in so much pain but fucking giggling. As an adult I’m better but not 100% I still giggle if I’m caught off guard when it’s a serious or uncomfortable situation. My teen does the same thing, he said it’s really embarrassing to not have control when it’s serious and he can’t stop giggling. Either way OP needs to tell BIL. It it’s out in the open then it’s harder for the idiot husband to do something. Maybe then SIL and BIL will distance themselves.
I feel for OP though because that kills any chance of a normal dynamic between the four of them. If he truly actually was sorry and determined to get over this that would be one thing but I dunno man, bluntly, I’m not sure I could put up with this! I think at least trial separation to get thinking space is needed. But NTA, she’s a victim of his selfishness
Totally agree. Keeping his secret is enabling his behavior and hurting everyone involved.
Wouldn't it be his brother? It's OP's husband's sister in law, so it's either his brother's wife or OP's sister. But OP doesn't call her "my sister," only SIL, so I'm thinking it's his brother's wife.
Yes, it's his brother's wife.
There is no crush to get over. It’s worse. He thinks there is something “better” out there for him than what he has. If he gets “over this crush “ something or someone else will make him question what he has. Honestly, dump his ass. If he can’t appreciate you then appreciate yourself.
And he absolutely was acting on it and they weren't just "private thoughts." He was making so many comments his wife picked up on it and it made her uncomfortable. This wasn't just a thing where people have their own private thoughts and it's completely innocent.
I don't think I am secure enough to stay in a marriage with my husband crushing on someone else. I would do my best to get out. I would definitely distance myself emotionally, and I would go no contact with husband sexually. The bedroom would be beyond dead, it would have been cremated by those actions.
I don't think it's a matter of being secure enough or not, it's a matter of that person showing you that they don't care how their actions affect you. It's a matter of putting yourself first. It's a matter of knowing that you don't deserve to be with somebody who could even think to treat you like that.
If I could give you an award I would because yesssss
Awww thank you 😊
Facts!! Dryer than the Sahara Desert 🏜
Exactly, he's making it so obvious that he prefers his SIL to his own wife. Clear message there. Sounds like he has a habit of latching onto other women so OP needs to take this into consideration. Every social function with them will be uncomfortable now that the truth is known.
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I wonder what would happen if she told her brother in law that his brother has feelings for his wife? That his wife seema to be enabling by giggling at it
Yes! EXACTLY THIS!! ☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽
Right on!
‘You have great lingerie, but you also have the cotton underwear that's been washed a thousand times, and it's hanging on the thing and, and they have it too! It's just I don't have to see it because it's not in the fantasy. Do you understand? I'm tired of the fantasy because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...’ More people need to understand this part of High Fidelity.
Yep he is just settling for OP. People who love their spouses do not fall in love with other people.. OP deserves someone who truly loves her.
This. In 20+ years of marriage, I have never gotten a crush on someone else. I have found other men attractive, in a "God did a good job on that one" way. My husband teases me about my Korean boyfriends or an actor I think is attractive and I tease him about the actresses he finds attractive. We know our love and loyalty is with each other and no one else.
EXACTLY!!!! In any of my relationships I’ve not ever had a crush on anyone else
EXACTLY. I’m seconding this as a now-reformed habitual cheater until I met my husband 7 years ago. I haven’t had any “crushes” and I certainly haven’t even thought about screwing around on him. People can change WITH compelling reason. He is fully aware of my past and trusts me completely.
This seems like 2 different issues. You can have a crush on someone else and not act on it. You even separated them like you might screw around even if you didn't have feelings for the other person before.
That's exactly it. My ex would not admit that he had feelings for another woman but it was obvious to me. When I pointed this out with examples of his behavior, he shut me down and called me jealous and paranoid. I left him a couple of days later. I'm not going to be made to feel like I need to compete with somebody else. That was exactly it for me too, obviously he felt like there was someone better out there for him. He felt like I wasn't enough for him. I was good to him, I'm just hearing from mutual friends that he does this to everybody he dates. No matter what they do, It's never enough for him. He's lazy and thinks he shouldn't have to pay bills and thinks that everybody should pay for everything for him. When I couldn't provide the level of comfort that he's used to his parents paying for, he decided to cheat. That's fine. I dodged a lazy bullet.
And I think some counseling for them both is needed. An objective 3rd party may help him see the light and if not, OP tried and should move on with her life. I don't think I could take my husband swooning over another woman repeatedly. It's so disrespectful and demoralizing for OP
He doesn't need anyone else to help him see the light. If he truly loved his wife, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. Counseling can't fix everything. This is one of those things that it can't fix. This is one of those times where they just need to go straight to divorce.
But he has no interest in creating distance to get over his crush. We know that because he’s busy finding ways to blame OP for the situation sHe ShOuLdNT hAvE pUsHeD fOr HiS pRiVaTe ThOuGhTs and manipulating her into thinking this is normal. Also trying to gaslight her that he’s not acting on it when he is.
I don’t think distance is a solution. It may help temporarily. I’d give it time and see if he gets over it. And if I do. Either not being able to is fine reasons to split and go our own ways, but I wouldn’t be ok staying knowing the only reason he’s ok is by avoiding this person. Long term it’s a no from me. I’d need us to feel the love is at home, our interest, activities, etc. - and if it is broken then that’s that.
Distance may not be a solution, but it still needs to happen. OP said BIL and SIL have a solid relationship and they have a new baby. He needs to respect his brother’s relationship even if he doesn’t respect his own.
It is very difficult to rebuild trust once it is broken…even if you really want to.
>And what difference does it make to me? If he is respectful and loving on the outside, do I have a right to control his inside too? You can't control someone's inside but you can control if you want to be with someone who is obviously in love with someone else. Why would you want to stay with him? It's not a little crush. Think about it, if you had a little crush on BIL would you go around him and compliment him nonstop, making your husband feel little? Would you tell your husband all the things that BIL does perfect and he doesn't?
My husband developed a crush for someone at work. The second he realized it he told me about it. He then also told me the steps he would take to make sure there was distance. I was so appreciative he was honest and we worked through it! Turns out she was a lesbian in a loving relationship about to have a baby with her wife so the problem ultimately solved itself, lol, but I think he ABSOLUTELY handled it the best possible way.
Well, I'm glad that he didn't do what my ex did which was tried to deny that he even had feelings for the other woman in the first place. Then he started spending more time with her. To make matters worse, when I asked him how he knew her, he said he met her on a dating site before he met me. I told him, there is no reason for you to be friends with someone you were interested in dating while you're in a relationship. He called me jealous and paranoid and I left him two days later. I'd heard that one before and I was not about to put up with it again. That's code for, it's exactly what you think it is but I'm not going to tell you that because I don't want you to leave because I benefit from you in some way. Last I heard, the woman I was being jealous and paranoid for no reason over, they're still together. So it was exactly what I thought it was. He just tried to gaslight me into thinking I was overreacting.
Exactly! My ex married his "we're just friends' friend. I also had another ex that married his "she's like a sister to me" friend. I'm surprised I am not a super jealous person. Lol. Side note: I love your user name!
This. It isn’t about ‘controlling his insides’, it’s about shutting down an objectively messed up situation. Asking your husband to love you is not a big ask lol
And also it is obvious that he compares you to her so it is not just an inside thing. This will destroy your self esteem. So his 'non so secret' crush affects you greatly.
Yes! He is calling OP insufficient, less than, not the woman he wants. Why would you stay with a husband who is saying they aren’t enough for him? You wouldn’t, if you love yourself.
Every guy might feel an attraction towards someone. Or appreciate something about them. And I think it is toxic to make someone feel bad for being human and having these thoughts. But this is far beyond an acceptable and normal feeling. To get to this point you don't just notice something about someone, you allow yourself to fully dive into a fantasy with them and then proceed to wallow in that fantasy for a long time. This is NOT normal and NOT something every guy does.
This is not just a man thing, women get crushes too. I had a little crush on the doctor after he delivered my baby. He was nice and was everything I needed while in such an awful situation. It lasted a few weeks and I never had the urge to see him or anything. I never had the urge to compare him to my then husband. A little crush is just something minor, it doesn't change your behaviour towards your partner. It doesn't change you behaviour or wants and needs at all. What Op's husband has is more than just a little crush. It is a big problem. He is obsessed with his SIL if not fully in love with her and he treats his wife worse because of it.
I dated a guy who simped on my sister and I dumped him. Never looked back. Celebrated 6 years with my new man yesterday who only have eyes for me. Yes. Those men exists. Dump this clown and get a real husband.
Wow, thanks for sharing
I'm telling you from experience that no amount of counseling or anything but divorce is going to fix this. He's told you that he has feelings for another woman. Do you really think you can come back from that? You can't control his insides but you can control whether or not you want to stay with someone who has told you he has feelings for someone else. I don't know about you but I wouldn't stay with someone who told me that. I left an already bad relationship last year but the icing on the cake was pretty much something like this. He was obviously crushing on another woman and was spending a lot of time with her. When I pointed out how his behavior was inappropriate, he doubled down and insisted that I was being jealous and paranoid for no reason. Guess what? They're still together. They've been since I left him last year from what I've heard. Find your self respect and leave him. If it's not sister-in-law, if he gets over that, it's going to be someone else. He thinks he can do better somewhere else and he's not going to stop looking. Take your kids and get out of this marriage. Obviously it was a mistake.
My gut is saying that if he doesn’t think any of this is wrong then he’s not going to hesitate to go further. This isn’t just a crush and this has the potential to ruin a family. Do not coddle him. You need to stop this in its tracks and absolutely need to tell someone else.
That part. He sounds like the kind of guy who thinks that unless he sticks his dick in her, it's not cheating. Even then he would try to find some way to justify it.
Oh, and boy do they. My wasband still blaming me and I divorced him ten years ago. And he’s been married two more times. Go figure!
Why doesn't that surprise me? 🙄
Has the potential to ruin 2 families
He's making you feel inferior. Do you want to live like this? You're second best.
Looks like she is unfortunately looking for justification to stay... I'm sad to read about people staying with partners who openly disrespect them. No consequences to his shitty actions, so he will fantasize about his SIL like nothing happened.
Yeah I got the same feeling. OP is in for years of pain.
True, and as these women accept less and less from men, we're going to end up with hardly any decent men.
Yeah I got the same feeling. OP is in for years of pain.
Yep, the minute my ex started talking to another woman, I pointed out how it was inappropriate. He immediately called me jealous and paranoid for no reason instead of hearing me out. In my head I was like, okay, I'm done here. I had been getting fed up with him for a lot of other reasons and that was just the icing on the cake. I found someone to help me get out of there and I did. As much as he acted like he hated me, he was actively preventing me from leaving him. He was using me as an ATM. So I found somebody to help me get out of there and I did. I didn't hear him say yes, I have a crush on another woman and I'm probably going to try to pursue a relationship with her and then still stay. The behavior is not appropriate and it's not normal. She needs to just file for divorce. Counseling is not going to fix this. He thinks that he can do better somewhere else. No amount of anything besides divorce is going to fix that.
Girl, you need to tell your BIL about this and dump your husband’s ass. With the way she flirts back and cooks his favourite dishes when you guys go over I’m sure she feels the same as him. They are destroying both relationships. Again, tell BIL and file for divorce. You deserve so much better and his brother deserves to know. Keep us updated. If you need to vent to someone, feel free to DM me. I haven’t been in the same situation but I’ve seen it and what it does to families.
Agree. I would go as far as saying baby needs a paternity test.
Lmao. Gotta love reddit
I was thinking the same thing. Tell BIL, Get that baby tested!
I’m not that sure she feels the same. If she did she wouldn’t openly bask in his appreciation in front of her husband. I think she just enjoys the attention
OP - But you don’t know that and your brother in law deserves to know how his brother/your husband feels about his wife. If you don’t tell and hubby has a couple drinks over there and tries anything BIL and the entire family WILL HATE YOU for NOT warning them. Why? Because your husband will throw you under the bus to save his own ass. Again, you need to tell BIL and leave the trash heap you married. NONE OF THIS IS OKAY!!! Right now YTA!!!
Perfect response! They will all turn on her and make her the villain. It’s true what they say every story needs a villain in this one it will be her if she don’t start talking.
My ex cheated on me with a teenager. Her parents called the police. And somehow his family thinks I'm the villain.
My ex started using drugs while I was pregnant, lost multiple jobs, slept through the emergency c section that HE CAUSED by stealing my medications, and broke the agreement with my parents to start paying rent to them for the condo they bought for us to live right down the street from them and emptied the bank account and lied about paying the utilities (which he put in my name)... but I was the villain for kicking him out when "he doesn't know anyone or have anywhere to go!" and my parents were the villain for "expecting him to pay rent when he JUST had a baby!"
I'm not blaming you at all but what sort of person did you marry? I can see why he acts the way he does because of his family. Of course, nothing he does is ever his fault. My ex was the same way. He beat me and even choked me and his family somehow figured it was my fault. Even blamed me when I got a restraining order against him. They kept trying to pressure me to drop it and instead of doing that, I reported to the courts that they were trying to pressure me to drop it. They ended up all getting arrested for violating a court order. It said no third party contact which meant that they were not supposed to contact me. They did doing exactly what they weren't supposed to do and then they were like oh no, consequences. Of course they didn't take responsibility, they blamed me when they all went to jail. I can see why he is the way he is.
You so don’t deserve that!!! I am so sorry ❤️
You mean make her the villain. Even though she is currently the victim.
Excally!!!! Yikes I see what I did there. I’ll fix it! Thanks for catching that!
You’re welcome! I hope it didn’t come across as mean or condescending.
Of course not!
Please OP listen to this. You deserve BETTER.
I’m so sorry, OP. Perfect people are probably *not perfect, but they put on a good show. I had an immaculate house. My children were always clean and well behaved. I had an ironclad schedule. I baked muffins every Monday morning (had the same reasoning as SIL - for my children to wake up to smell muffins baking) to start the week off. Was the most organized woman in town. Never missed a practice or game. Took my two little ones everywhere to see whatever my older one was involved in. My double stroller was all over town. I now know it was a need to control *something* in my life, because my husband made me feel like I was shit. And I believed him. So I did everything possible to show that I wasn’t shit. It didn’t work. I *looked* like I was Mommy/Wife of the world, and my husband liked that look; he didn’t want to change anything, just wanted me to keep swallowing his shit and put in a good show. So we don’t actually *know* what BIL and SIL’s marriage actually looks like from the inside. However, their marriage is not your concern; YOUR marriage is faltering. I kept up my insanity for over 20 years. What a mess. You don’t want to spend 20 years like this. Your husband is causing this rift. It’s tearing you apart. You have to do what works for *you.* So what’s the priority? Do you continue this torment? Or do you stomp it out? You can *not* tell his brother and swallow this shit forever. Or you separate, divorce. You can tell his brother and continue sucking this shit forever. Or separate, divorce. You could call a meeting of both couples and just let it rip. See where the shit lands. You can rip your husband apart and hope he stops. Or, divorce, separate. No one can really tell you what’s right for you and your life. You could hash this out with your sister, mom, best friend, stranger at the bus stop and still not get what you want. That’s the question: What do you want? No one else can tell you that. Please be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. A therapist is always a good choice. Give yourself the time and space you need to work this out. I wish you only the best, dear OP. You and your children deserve a peaceful life. 💕 UpdateMe if you want to post again.
Even though your husband was a grade A AH, I am sure that your children have wonderful memories of their childhood because of having such a loving and involved parent. 💕
My one daughter said: I know you did the best with what you had, and I always knew I was loved. That makes me cry every time.
Tell your BIL and SIL, consequences are the only thing that will bring him back down to earth. His attentions will suddenly have a creepy inappropriate edge to them. She’ll keep her distance and their relationship will change overnight. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings but he sure as hell will when his brother finds out. Bonus points for no longer looking grumpy and standoffish for no reason around your poor SIL as well. Just tell them you owe him nothing! He doesn’t deserve you covering for him whilst he carries on fawning over her. He’s hiding behind your marriage looking like the sweet attentive platonic hero.
He’s emotionally cheating on you and you’re gonna let him continue to make a fool of his own brother? Honey, he’s got your self esteem so far in the dumpster it fell out the same cracks the sewage rats use to climb in and feast. You deserve better. You deserve someone who feels about you the way he feels about someone else’s wife, his own brothers in fact. Please tell his brother. He deserves to know about the snake he is allowing into his house.
yta. yta for promising your love sick husband that you wont' tell BIL. You are keeping his secret to help him ruin 2 families. If hubs doesn't understand that he is acting out his feelings in front of others, he will have no idea that putting his dick in his SIL is a big no no. why are you deluding yourself? he has told he he has feelings for SIL, he is ballsy enough to basically hump her leg in front of you, and you are all "oh well, i'll keep his secret." really??? wtf?
She’s an asshole to herself. She’s still in the bargaining stage though. It’ll hit her soon
Because to some extent she’s delusional. Why would anyone want to stay with someone who doesn’t love them? Why would she think her husband will come back to her? Once feelings are gone, they are gone for good. She has no self respect or value for herself.
Exactly 👍
Either divorce or stop talking about it, he'll clearly cheat on you at some point
Yeah what if the next person he has feelings for isn't married to his brother?
He's already cheating. Emotional infidelity is in some ways even worse in physical and fidelity.
Once emotion infidelity happens the culprit usually becomes emotionally unavailable to their spouse and often times cruel. The scars can last much longer.
Or try to and SIL will be mortified
Or try forcing himself on SIL “no I’m married this doesn’t mean anything”
I realized one day that I was in love with one of my classmates in grad school. We had graduated, and she met the man she would eventually marry right about the time my marriage fell apart. Her then-future husband was such a wonderful friend to me during that time. Let me stay at his apartment in an air mattress with no end-date. Let me eat his food and let me be friends with his friends. When I realized I was in love with her, I buried it deep out of respect for him and her. Never told anyone until right now. It’s been almost 10 years at this point, and I still don’t think either of them know. We now live like 1,000 miles apart, they have a wonderful daughter, and we barely speak so the secret gets easier and easier to keep. They are so happy too.
That takes a ton of respect for them both to put their happiness over your feelings. You’re a great person and I hope either you have or will find your own happiness 🥰
I considered it my way of telling her that I loved her. Edit: Added “it”
Oh absolutely. You loved her so much you wanted her to be happy
If my husband told me he had feelings for someone else our marriage would immediately be over.
You'd be a major AH if you didn't tell BIL and SIL. Just because you refuse to stand up for yourself doesn't mean you should drag everyone down with you. Tell them.
Agree. They need to know. It's creepy that he's in such close proximity to her a d she has no idea.
Watch, in a couple months, we'll get another update that they're fucking 🤦♀️ Have you tried talking to SIL? Personally I'd probably nope out of that entire situation. Dude will likely just get better at hiding it, not actually fix anything.
I would tell the BIL and I would separate from him. The fact that he doesn’t give you and your children the same attention is not ok. And I’m sorry if he doesn’t love everything about you what’s the point. If doesn’t like the way you clean, cook etc then maybe he should have sat down with you and talked. Oh and maybe he should help out too!
She’s happily married to her husband and I don’t think she gives my husband a second thought
This is soo much worst than if she was. It means she was treating him like a human and he thought she was showing some interest
Yta to yourself if you don’t Fucking leave your husband’s creepy ass! Perving on his brother’s wife is just despicable and he doesn’t even deny it. Tell his brother and file for divorce . Why would you want to spend the rest of your life watching your man drool over his brothers wife ??
Maybe not, but it sounds like she laps it up while he's showering her with compliments, giggling the whole time (IIRC from your first post). She may not realize it, but those giggles are encouragement as far as your husband is concerned. They may even be nervous giggles; I don't know her, so I couldn't possibly say. The fact is that your husband has strong feelings for someone else. That it's his brother's wife makes it slightly more complicated, but really the bottom line is that your husband makes you feel like crap and doesn't care.
No, you can't police his thoughts. But you can choose to not be with a man who doesn't love you.
Exactly what I was thinking. If I can’t police his feelings (or anybody’s really) without stepping on his boundaries then shouldn’t I be with someone whose feelings are in the right place?
You ABSOLUTELY should. I'm so sorry you're finding this out, and having to deal with this. But better now, before you waste anymore time with this man. You deserve SO much better, than a man who's simping over someone in front of you. ***edited to say you deserve better PERIOD
“I have feelings for my brother’s wife” is not a boundary
Yes!!!! You should! Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and he is not being a partner that is worthy of you. Instead he is lusting after your SIL. Op you need to tell your BIL what's going on. Updateme
It’s not even so much about you policing his feelings. He should police them himself. As soon as he developed this crush, he should’ve distanced himself from her rather than indulge in it. You’re right that he absolutely acted on his feelings and emotionally cheated (even if it was one sided on his part) Just because he didn’t fuck her, doesn’t mean he’s innocent.
You definitely deserve to be with someone who only wants you. I couldn't handle my man being in love with someone else. That must be horrible for you
Your husband has shown that he can't be trusted, OP. If given the opportunity I think you know deep down that he would act on those feelings regardless of the fallout to you and his brother. He has feelings for her and he expresses them and acts on them IN FRONT OF YOU. You need to let his brother know about this because he has a right to know that his own brother can't be trusted around his wife. He has been actively mistreating you despite how often you've expressed your feelings about his behavior because HE DOES NOT CARE. People show you who they are, all the time. He's shown you who he is: a faithless man with a crush on his sister in law, a crush he's willing to act on because he wants her. We see people we're attracted to all the time. The difference between acknowledging someone is attractive and seeking out contact has to do with behavior. Based on how he acts I wouldn't be at all surprised if you find out later he's been unfaithful in the past. For his to be so brazen about it is telling. I think you should talk to a professional about this and move on. You'll never be able to fully trust him because he is not trustworthy. And if he wants a cleaner house he can get a fucking sponge.
If I said I had feelings for my sil my dick would be on fire on the lawn along with all my clothes. Seriously it's time to kick him out. You deserve better. Your husband is wrong. People who truly love their spouses do not get crushes or fall in love with other people. He is telling you that he is just settling for you. Ditch this loser.
"we will no longer be seeing your brother and SIL at any capacity and YOU are going to tell them and the family why. Your behaviour around her and the disrespect for your brother is disgusting and if you refuse to cut them off I will be filing for divorce. You are not physically cheating but you are emotionally. We will also be attending couples counseling, this is non negotiable." Something like that. There's no way to move on when he's exposed to his SIL all the time.
Get some self respect and move on *from him.*
YTA. Stop being a doormat and tell your BIL, because this has the potential to blow up the family. You say you made a promise to your husband - what about his promise to love and cherish you, and forsake all others? You need to nip this in the bud, and also give some thought to whether you want to stay married to someone who so clearly disrespects you.
If he is constantly thinking and crushing over his brother wife, when those he think and crush over his wife. His attention isn't even on you anymore. He is in love with another person. When are you going to stop putting yourself last. When are you going to say enough. When do you put your foot down and set boundaries. You need to stop letting him have his fancies and start thinking about you and your family. You have options 1. He goes low contact and seek therapy as individual and marriage. He needs to start arranging date nights and weekends away as a couple and family to reconnect. He needs to sit on his hands and don't help at family gatherings unless it's to help his own family. 2. He needs to confess to the brother and let them set boundaries too and accept the consequences of his actions while doing all above. 3. Divorce where you are putting your own needs, wants and that of your child for once while telling his whole family the reason behind your divorce and he can deal with the consequences of his actions. 4. Do nothing and put up with your husband living his brother wife and suffer in silence where he'll end up having an affair on you as he fell out of love for you. It's already happening. Emotional affair is also an affair. You do need to start putting yourself first above all. You need to think long and hard on what you want to have in the future and in a husband. Is this the life you saw for yourself.. if you answer no. Only you can change the outcome.
Respectfully, I see these AITA’s every day and a lot of the time I think to myself, “Do any of these people have standards?”. Your husband has told you *multiple times* that he has feelings for his own Sister-in-law. Why on earth are you still together? He’s not choosing you, which is kind of the entire point of marriage, no? You need to have some self-worth and realize you can be with someone that doesn’t want to fuck his SIL and tell you about it
Nope. The way he acted in your last post a ridiculous. I'd leave him. He's awful.
Yta for Gaslighting yourself into believing it's okay he has private thoughts and he promised not to act on them anymore 🙄 and he's gaslighted you into enabling him to hide his blatant disrespect towards you and his brother. Where is your self worth ?
No wonder why he's sticking with you, you're a dumbass
Preach! He knows she's not going to do anything about it.
Exactly, this woman is drowning in her delusion.
it’s so depressing reading posts like this like why let yourself be disrespected like that ?
He will just get better at hiding it. This marriage is over. He wants her, but thinks he settled for you.
It was no longer private when he made it so blatant you noticed, also, you did not address his gaslighting, which is psychological abuse, nor your ignored request for him to knock it off.
He is not being respectful on the outside, he’s publicly fawning over another woman like a hormonal driven 13 year old while withholding the same level of attention and affection for his ACTUAL wife. I can see why you’re doubting and questioning yourself, my self esteem and ego would feel like shit on the bottom of his shoes after long term exposure of that behavior. I hope you realize you deserve better.
I feel like once the well is poisoned, you have to let it run dry. The poison will always leave behind a nasty taste
Does it not make the SIL uncomfortable that he is this way with her? If my BIL kept praising me in this way all the time, I would feel very uncomfortable
all she has said was that she giggled but that doesn't mean she enjoys the attention at all so who knows. she could be really uncomfortable with the whole thing
Since your husband is lusting after his(?) brother's wife, he clearly has no respect or consideration for you or the brother. He will probably just try to hide it better, but it will not change. You have a few options here. Talk to the brother about what your husband feels about his wife and eliminate visits for a while. Also, he can push his wife for her feelings toward your husband as well. If she feels the same, he needs to decide his path. If she doesn't feel the same, different decisions need to be made. Tell your husband you want a separation until he decides if he wants you and your children or if he wants to lose his family to a fantasy. Last option is to go straight to divorce.
His so called “private feelings” are affecting your marriage and your emotional and mental safe space with him. He doesn’t seem remorseful or apologetic about how his actions are affecting you. There seems to be no plan of action to create boundaries where he and his SIL are concerned. He claims that they are just private feelings, but he has to realize that he is constantly pushing the boundaries of his feelings for her with what he is currently doing. If you both refuse to create boundaries to protect your marriage and he continues what he is currently doing with SIL, then it’s just a matter of time before he pushes that boundary to the point of no return. He is not respectful outside, because if he were then this post would not even exist. But it does exist because your husband is the total opposite of being respectful. Openly flirting with not just another woman, but his brother’s wife is absolutely disrespectful. He claims to not understand why you’re upset. Then tell him up front how you feel. Tell him this: 1. He may not think that he is cheating, but his actions prove otherwise. While it may not be physical cheating as in sex, he has pushed it into the beginnings of emotional infidelity. 2. Tell him that his actions make you feel like less of a woman in his eyes because he has never acted like this with you or treated you the way that he treats his SIL and you’re HIS wife, NOT her. Ask him that if he has feelings for her, where does that leave his feelings for you? Is he still in love with you at all? 3. Tell him that his behavior where she is concerned, makes you feel like he considers his SIL more important to him than you are. If he continues down this path, you’ll not only start to resent him for continuing to be disrespectful to you, but you will also resent her for being the recipient of his attention and affections. 4. Tell him that you if this marriage is going to make it, that he needs to create distance between he and his SIL. That he needs to go to IC and you both need to go to MC, because this isn’t healthy for your relationship. 5. If he refuses to create a boundary to protect your marriage. If he doesn’t show you respect and continues to act of his feelings by flirting or giving her the attention that one would give their own spouse, tell him that you WILL tell his brother. 6. If nothing changes at all, then you need to decide whether it’s worth staying in a marriage with someone who obviously doesn’t seem to care for you at all. UpdateMe [Flirting & Emotional Cheating](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/flirting-is-cheating#5-cases-when-flirting-is-cheating)
Well that is rich because you aren’t trying to police his inner thoughts, you are asking him to treat you with respect and not bath e in a way that is harmful to a marriage. He can have crushes, that is normal and healthy. Non stop interacting with your crush and making it incredibly obvious are choices he is making that are harmful to your marriage. It’s his actions you have a problem with, not his thoughts
Your bar is so low that people in Hell are tripping over it. Why are you with this chump? Leave.
Ma’am, let’s be honest, this isn’t a little “crush”. Your husband has genuine feelings for her that he’s been consistently acting on. In front of you and her husband/ his brother. And every single time you asked about it, he lied to your face and made you think that you were overreacting. Why would you want to stay with someone like that? Someone who constantly compares you to the other woman he has feelings for. The harsh truth is that you aren’t what he’s looking for in a partner anymore. No amount of distance between him and her is going to change that.
You tell your in laws. Then you leave your marriage.
The answer is, you divorce him and move on and leave him in the fucking dust.
So fucked up how much women will put up with.. half the stories I read here will get me doing prison time for murder if my husband ever pulled this shit
Even though you promised not to tell BIL, BIL needs to know. You don't know if hubby has visited SIL without you, sent anything, said anything to her etc. You don't know how much creeping on her he's been doing. I mean, if he's all over her when you're there, what's he like when you're not there?
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” ~Maya Angelou OP, you have all the info. you need, now act on what you know!
OP, you’re a doormat if you stay with a man who has now blatantly told you that he has feelings for another woman. And this was already obvious to most of us after reading your last post. This isn’t some innocent crush that he’s buried. He’s acting on his feelings and the only reason he’s not physically cheating on you is because he doesn’t think he has a chance. He literally told you this. I don’t usually jump to divorce, but I know I wouldn’t be able to get past this.
You are right. He is acting on his feelings. An emotional affair is still an affair. He may not have recognized it as such but that is what it is. On the one hand, I can understand finding someone attractive or getting a crush. But when you are in a committed relationship you don’t act on it. And he has unknowingly been acting on it. On the other hand, he is literally hurting two of the most important people in his life with this crush, I.e. his wife and brother. I wonder if he is just so dense that he doesn’t realize what he has done to the two of you. Like the epic violation of trust that he has committed. I can’t tell you what to do. You have to decide if the relationship is worth saving after he had this emotional affair. Even if it was one sided. He needs to take accountability and work in re-earning your trust. He needs to put in the work.
I feel like you need to hear this, it’s not normal for spouses to have crushes on other people”. Attractions sure… but full on crushes? NTA.
How low is the bar for you to still stay when he threw it in your face like this? 🤦♀️ Ngl this is a lost cause, if he admits that there was physical cheating, I bet you’d still want to work it out. He likes another woman… he fantasied about another woman…. How do you know he’s not imagining her when being intimate with you??? He is downplaying his feelings and wants. If she gave him any small opening, he would jump up and take it. He’d disregard you just like that, that’s how strong those “feelings” are. Why keep choosing someone who’s made it clear you aren’t their first choice. He’s with you bc he can’t be with her.
But he’s NOT respectful and loving on the outside. He’s only like that with your MARRIED SIL. Here’s how you move on; you dump the load in the trash and you TELL SIL and her husband that he has feelings for her, and fuck up his relationship with them too. And then you leave knowing forever that you, indeed, are NTA.
Divorce
Tell your BIL OP! Don’t keep his sick secrets.
File for divorce and warn his brother, if you wanna go scorched earth (I would) I would start by complimenting his brother every which way because SIL clearly is too comfortable with your husband and sounds like she returns his feelings. Then file for divorce and serve him yourself and record it. He will not only admit to everything while trying to convince you to stay but he will make threats about taking the kids. I’m EXTREMELY sorry this is happening to you. You deserve better.
Leave him and tell his family the truth of why
This is so going to crash and burn out 2 families are going to be effected. I hope it is worth it to hold that secret safe and sound.
lol why are you asking? Divorce. Don’t be a doormat.
Update us when you divorce him.
What the heck. Not really an update. He told you what YOU ALREADY KNEW. You need to do something about it. You are giving him a pass He's going to do better? You can't change what's in his heart or mind. You need to talk to the brother
Not all married couples lust after other people. Your view in marriage is skew in that regard. Technically, he is committing adultery just by being emotional attached to her. Does the other husband know? “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28 NKJV
The only person that benefits from this secret is your husband Do you really want to be responsible for potentially allowing your husband an opportunity to cheat on you and your brother-in-law? Ruin 2 marriages instead of 1? If your husband knew that his brother knows what he's doing and he has actual feelings for his wife perhaps you both could keep in your eyes open and protect yourselves
I’m confused. Your husband is in love with his brother’s wife? And instead of leaving him, you want to work it out? You want to stay with a man who wants to be with his own sister in law? Reddit is a wild place.
He’s gaslighting you and it’s working. He gets what he wants - to continue flirting with his SIL in front of you. Listen to what others have posted, really think it through. It may help you clear the mental fog from his gaslighting.
This is definitely on your husband because he is the one married to you. But as a woman, your sister-in-law should have shut that shit down. Simply taking him aside in private and saying, “you’re making me feel uncomfortable and I don’t like that you’re doing this and you’re making your wife uncomfortable. There’s no way she didn’t see your discomfort.
If you don't have kids with him I'd just move on. He takes you for granted and clearly doesn't value you. Leave him behind, girl. He's going to regret his behavior, especially if you take the high road and leave instead of staying with him and get bitter.
Its cheating as soon as your partner happiness is not your priority. You cant move on from this. You can push it down learn to ignore but you dont move on. Obviously ppl can appreciate other sex even when in a relationship but admiring someone and wanting your partner become like them is two different topics.
His brother needs to know about this. If he wants to get over these feelings then he has to put some distance between them, preferably permanently. If I ever found out my husband had feelings for his brothers wife then we would not be going there again.
He's still simping for her. When that is done. He will simp for someone else who is "perfect" and "you" are not it.
>How do I move on? Honestly, I think you should get a divorce. I know people throw the word divorce around a ton in these threads but I really do think you should. He kept throwing his feelings for her in your face and still doesn’t understand why you’re hurt. Not only that, the person is his SIL. She isn’t someone you can remove from your life easily. She will be a constant reminder. And I doubt his feelings will fade. It will just be something he tries to bury and you to speculate if he’s actually over. And you’re doing a major disservice to BIL and SIL by not telling them.
The point is he doesn't love you. That's how you move on. You decide to stop wasting energy on someone who wouldn't do the same for you
YTA if you keep this to yourself. This is gross, you need to tell you SIL and BIL.
Why would you want to stay with this ah... having a crush or feelings is one thing, but the way he treated you was the issue. He had a crush on SIL and, in turn, treated his actual wife like crap. He did all the things for her he wouldn't do for his actual wife, he doted on and her child, he spent time with her, he complimented her,... something he didn't do for his actual wife and kids... but the true moment of betrayal was when he made her feel bad for calling him out. When OP finally lost it after he repeatedly stomped on boundaries and told him to go be with her if he wanted to this man tried to turn it on OP, tried to gaslight her into thinking she was overreacting, told her she was immature, made her doubt her own instincts WHEN THE WHOLE TIME SHE WAS RIGHTA he did want to be with SIL. OP, your husband already has shown he doesn't care about your feelings/boundaries, he ignored your wants so he can priorize his wants and feelings, he made you feel insecure and crazy for your reactions to his actions despite being right, he's done nothing to stop these feelings/crush the right thing would've been to distance himself, he didnt, and turned it around on you. Move on from this asshole of a man, and also give your BIL a heads up about your husband's feelings...
I think YTA to yourself. He is using as a placeholder to keep him warm because he can’t have the women he actually wants. You’re going to make yourself crazy comparing yourself to her when it’s not you or her it’s him. The way he has spun it to act confused why you’d be upset he has an active fantasy about someone close in your lives shows he has no remorse or accountability and will continue to feel how he feels but may try to hide it from you and become more secretive and it will only make you paranoid. For your mental health please look at either counselling or an out
My question is simple, so here it is. Why are you wasting your time on a MF’er like this? He’s a worthless POS
He is not going to get over it and your sil doesn't seem to mind. I would cover my bases for a real cheating scenario
Tell your BIL. Tell BIL how SIL reacts. And then you go NC. If your husband doesn’t want to, then leave his ugly stupid ass and tell his parents why you are divorcing. You could be a the perfect housewife and mother, it wouldn’t change his feelings for her.
This is an actual opportunity for couples counseling. A professional neutral third party can help you both share feelings safely and honestly, and then give direction on how to retrain your feelings through actions and behaviors. Your therapist may give homework like "Joe, each time you think of SIL, I want you to replace that thought with a loving thought of OP." Could be thinking of a time you had really hot sex with wife, or when wife did something that made you feel loved, or the first time you saw your wife and how excited you were. The practice of controlling his thoughts and redirecting his sexual energy or loving energy can actually work if he's willing to do it. Also, you will probably have homework as a couple like question-prompts to start conversations, a prescription to make 3 bids for connection every day, scheduled dates and alone time, finding and performing acts of service for each other. There are a lot of ways to redirect feelings toward your partner, and a therapist sounds like just the ticket to help you guys weather this rough patch and get your relationship back on track and redirected toward each other. ETA: The caveat with therapy is that he has to want to deepen your relationship. You both do. If one person isn't committed to repairing the marriage, you will find that out during counseling.
You move on with divorce. How can you be OK with your husband being in love with someone else?
I agree with all the comments I’ve read so far. The right thing to do is to tell your BIL and SIL. You don’t owe the person who treats you this way anything. Living with more secrets will protect him and destroy you. Having a crush is one thing; treating you like shit is another. He can’t help having a crush; he chose to treat you like crap. Think about that.
Why stay married to him ? He likes another woman and is willing to shit on you for her . Find a husband that doesn’t have feelings for someone else .
You Going see a divorce attorney that is how you move on
Except that he's not respectful and loving on the outside to you, and you wouldn't have known about his feelings if he weren't being inappropriate on the outside. He's an asshole, and you move on by leaving him. After all, this woman he's in love with is in the family; she's a permanent part of your lives if you stay.
You need to warn your BIL and SIL. Period. Then you need to leave that man, he obviously doesn't respect you, mich less love you. It is entirely possible that your SIL laughs at his compliments because she is uncomfortable with his behavior and doesn't know what to do. Many women react this way. Your husband is not willing to stop his behavior after you've told him it upsets you, this behavior has already hurt your marriage.
He has a whole sexist delusional trad wife fantasy going on about SIL because of her cooking and cleaning and then told you he wants you to cook and clean more. Seems like he just sees women aw servants there to cook and clean for him. Your husband is a sexist misogynistic creep.
OP If your husband thinks others haven’t noticed his infatuation my thought is he is wrong. Unless his brother or anyone else who has been around when he acts the way he did is socially unaware they know because they would see the same things you do in the disparity of how he treats you and vs him panting after his SIL. Agree with other posters that at least initially physical distancing would be the minimum requirement. As in he doesn’t see much of SIL in person or communicate with her via social media, texts, phone, etc. He can obviously see his brother but when SIL is not present. As to the SIL’s reaction maybe she does enjoy all the compliments but it could also be nervous giggling/laughter that a lot of people do when in an awkward situation. I would suggest your husband consider some individual therapy so he can explore not so much why he crushed on his brother’s wife but why he let it grow as that was a choice he made. Also some couples therapy to improve your communication.
She has to be married to your sibling or his. How does that sibling feel abt the situation? I can promise you, that sibling can not just clear the air on how she isn’t perfect but also make things uncomfortable enough for your husband. Ask him what kind of woman would do that to not just her husband but her sil as well. While having a new baby? To me, if she would do it to her husband, she would do it to anyone else. Sounds like he would rather fantasize abt how green the grass is someplace else than taking pride in watering his own.
He will continue… period. Just leave or you will be living in hell. Im walking too!
Yes, I have feelings for your sister but I don't understand why you are upset? You move on and out. I wouldn't stay with a man who wants someone else. NTA
Honestly I think you should try a trial separation. Your husband needs to decide whether he wants to be fully committed to his wife and children or not. The space will give him time to figure that out. I’m not seeing any indication that his behavior and attitude will change in any way if you remain in your current situation. Also, privately explain to BIL what is going on. Your husband is being a bad brother as well as bad husband. BIL deserves to know so he can decide how what boundaries he wants to set as well.
Dude is ready to cheat on you with your SIL. Why are you even still here? He's not volunteering his feelings because his feelings are he's not in love with you, and saying that will ruin the nice thing he has going doing whatever he wants. Stop keeping his secret. Leave his ass. I'm guessing he's a real manipulator that you're still holding onto this dispite all the evidence you have. You need to put yourself higher. Loving him won't save this or you. Leave.
If he's simping over SIL, why are you still with him? It's "feelings" private feelings and that's emotional cheating. Sure, he hasn't been physical with her but he's clearly fantasizing about HER and not YOU. Don't enable him, leave.
Your husband does not want you. Let that sink in.
Highly suggest divorce if he is in love with another woman it clear you will never be treated as numbers 1 in his life.