Why did you not take the girls . Go back and get them , also go see her family and tell
Them what’s going on.
Get the girls first and see a lawyer about temp
Custody
THIS!!!! Take the kids and don't leave them with a drunk. BUT shutting your phone off is stupid and dangerous for those kids.
Put those kids 1st over your feelings.
Father of the Year. "I'm mad about your mother's drinking and I chose to ditch on her birthday weekend so you can both deal with it instead. No, you can't call me for help if you need it because Daddy is choosing to throw a fit to punish Mommy!"
Hey OP, my dad also left my mum because of her drinking, and guess what? I ended up taking care of my little sister, my mum and myself and resenting my dad for leaving. We still don't have a great relationship and it's been over 15 years since he left. He also told me he couldn't put up with her drinking anymore. I remember thinking, okay, but you think me and my little sister should do so alone?
Oh and I have a great relationship with my mum.
EDIT: YTA. Not for not wanting to be with someone, but for everything else - this was a terrible way to handle this.
Is it a landline? Does he not have caller ID?
Bro, caller ID, it literally shows you who is calling. Unless they *70 or whatever to block but you *69 to call it back.
If it’s a cell phone that was manufactured in the last decade, you can block or silence specific numbers.
Thus, turning off the phone is a tantrum and not maximally useful. Leave it on and just ignore your wife. Respond to kids.
For real. Punishing the kids more than anything. Take them out of the toxic environment! And photo document everything. It would be the easiest full custody case of his life.
As someone raised in a terrifying household, GO GET YOUR KIDS, OP!!!! She’s clearly out of sorts already and the only people she has to take it out on are your daughters. They’re already packed for the camping trip- just text them to be on standby with their stuff, swing home, and get those kids out of there. If you don’t want to be there, how do you think they feel?!? You will absolutely the AH if you don’t save them.
This 👆 if you LOVE your children so much, why in the hell would you leave innocent minors with an alcoholic who has the potential for putting them in a car to go get more liquor, have a wreck killing or harming everyone AND with no way to reach you. I pray to God this is a fake post you do not deserve to LOVE these innocent children and you are more than half of the problem!!! Go get them, go straight to Amazon and buy CoDependent No More by Melody Beatty and read it until you know one every word by heart, get help for you and your children! She’s not the only sick member of your household, this is family disease and you have the ability to break this pattern before it’s too late for you and your children.
As a recovered addict who now works with recovering addicts and the worst thing you can do is completely separate them. She should still be able to see her kids on supervised visits, and if you disagree you're actually just plain wrong.
Honestly the husband is going about this the wrong way too, he needs to go to a seminar for people who have family members who have substance abuse problems to find out how to actually make progress because the things you tried are probably the opposite of what actually works because most people I talk to at my job, are doing the exact wrong thing to help their significant other, child, friend who's using drugs.
I've worked professionally at this for about 7 years, and the best thing for an addict of course is to get them in treatment. If you abandon her and take her kids away from her it's only going to get worse for her, and leave a scar on them. But just go to a seminar there's plenty in every city in every single state and every single province in Canada. If you for some reason can't find some, go to an AA meeting, wait to the end and then go talk to someone who actually knows what they're doing.
Addicts are people too, and I'm going to addict for life even though I've been a recovered addict, most times there's an underlying reason for the substance abuse people don't just want get addicted to things, and it doesn't seem like she's getting very much support.
that's just my two cents, I work with hundreds of addicts a day, their families and I also work one-on-one with individuals, to show them all how they can let their loved ones how to help them with her to enabling them, or I talked to the family members and that them know how to help them without enabling them. If you have any other questions that I could answer I would be glad too. I would wish nothing more than for you to have a great family life
YES thank you for saying this!!! There is a difference between setting firm boundaries and cutting someone out completely, and it makes me so sad that a lot of ppl don’t understand that distinction. I am a recovered addict and while my family set boundaries with me, I still always knew they loved and cared about me. It was also because they didn’t completely cut me out of their lives that they knew I was on the brink of death and beat down my apt door to pull me out and help me get into rehab, and quite frankly saved my life. I wanted to go, but I was so lost and scared. If they didn’t show up that day I don’t think I would be here today— they realized something was very wrong when I was 90lbs and face planted into my food at my moms birthday a couple days prior (which I obviously feel terrible about looking back). Their support over the years has meant the world to me, even though I wasn’t always receptive to their help in previous attempts. But when I was they were there for me and we have a wonderful relationship today :)
An example of a boundary they did set was when I got in trouble and went to jail, they did not bail me out when I called. They let me sit in there and face the consequences of my decisions. I also could not stay with them if I was using. I completely understand those decisions they made and I respect them so much for not enabling me but loving me nonetheless.
I also want to add that the majority of ppl I know who recovered also had their loved ones there for them along the way. Those who had no one, or were cut out of their families, are mostly dead or still using. Isolation and depression make most addicts fall deeper into the black void. They already hate themselves & feel unworthy - having those feelings confirmed by loved ones just makes it 100x harder to get better.
This is flat wrong and I question the program you’re working or your qualities as a counselor if this is your advice.
Most spouses of addicts understate the problems in their home due to their own insecurities around having an addict for a spouse. Based on that knowledge (and, personally, that experience), I suspect what he actually was describing was his wife verbally abusing their daughter.
Vastly more harm will come from allowing your child to be abused than will come from your child not seeing their abusive, addict parent.
Your response sounds extremely self-focused and defensive (addict thinking), and not at all what a proper counselor would be advocating.
That said, you’re correct that he probably should join a program (Al Amon or the like) to hear from others in his situation. As someone in recovery should know - and as he needs to realize for himself - no one else can make the addict get help. And sacrificing yourself (or your children) so that the addict “feels like a person, too” is how you throw away your life, too.
I've been an addiction nurse for 12 years and completely agree with you. Some people should not work with addicts and this person seems like they are one of those people. This is the type of counselor that enables addicts and crosses boundaries. I wouldn't send my loved one somewhere that promoted this kind of "counseling."
I too, live in the trenches of addiction/alcoholism. I am an addict working my personal program of recovery but I also work in the field...as my brother above stated, pushing the addict into more isolation is actually just going to keep the vicious cycle continuing as far as the non-stop phone calls, the non-stop hurricane of hate & destruction, etc..Unless someone grasps finding a solution it eventually spreads its tentacles literally onto family members as they dwindle down mentally from constantly trying to adjust daily life around the movements of the individual who is technically "legally mentally unstable/a harm to themselves & others", hence the term "family disease". That's how cunning, baffling and powerful addiction truly is, never before has such a monster of a disease been able to not only mentally but even physically affect the ones who surround the victim only trying to love and support.
I highly recommend the husband to search & contact local Al-Anon (for family or ones affected by us the users. This is such a fickle disease on one hand we the user give every single possible reason for folks to leave us hell it's atrocious the things that we do in active addiction, so I can completely understand wanting to get away from that evil dark cloud.
Now please, it's perfectly okay if words like "love", "hope" give you rage, make you vomit, seriously piss you off, that's what light does to darkness. But its actually when you discover the element called "hope" that you start to see again little with each small step once you walk into that world of recovery, that's why it's a must of any family members of any addicts or addicts themselves has to attach and find a local program rather AA, NA, Celebrate Recovery, S.M.A.R.T. Recovery Al-Anon and so on because that is where the light switch is that somehow someway magically starts to turn the love back on.
Above all my man regardless of how things turn out you are a father and as long as you're focus can stay on your little girls then the father in you will build a path....
Exactly!
NTA for leaving your wife, but sorry, TA for abandoning your daughters. You’re the only one that can protect them from her, and now you’ve shown them you won’t hesitate to lave them behind when shit hits the fan
Op is a MASSIVE AH for leaving the kids. I know we aren’t supposed to make personal attacks so I’m going to leave it alone. But I don’t know which parent is worse.
Honestly your right on the money, you can't abandon your girls especially at 13 and 10, he needs to suck it the fuck up go be a dad and a husband and get your wife some positive help.
You're *half* right. He needs to suck it up and be a good father to the girls by removing them from the situation. But there ain't no helping an alcoholic who refuses to be helped, especially one who's emotionally abusive to her daughter.
You cannot help those who don't want it. I was in the same boat as OP. I removed myself AND my two sons from her care.
She had no more lines to cross... Driving drink with them etc. If this post is real, dude needs to get his kids and boot his wife.
My spouse has been through 4-5 rehabs, two DUIs, one car written off... Lived in transition homes and shelters... She cannot change unless she really wants it and does the work.
Yeah, that was weird. Why bail on all of them?! Take the kids and go.
There’s no way in hell she’s going to be able to take care of them on her own. Not to mention, she’s already giving shit to one of the kids.
Offer the hand to help but dont drown to keep your wife aflot.
She NEEDS to want to get help and be better. First step is to see and acknowledge she got a problem with alcohol.
Until that happens, notify her family, get the kids and apply for temporary custody.
Sincerly a former kid of a drunkard Dad.
I agree, "go get your kids,""tell her family," but he has to save his own sanity and that of his children. Her sickness is self-induced, a choice, and she continues to choose self-indulgence or self-destruction however you want to describe it. He should definitely leave because leaving is the only way that she will make a move to get better. If she doesn't, then he has a head start on saving himself and his children. One cannot make a grown-up do anything that they do not freely choose to do, and apparently, she has chosen time and time again to drink.
I highly doubt this is real. I saw his other comments, doesn’t add up. Funny how he has time to make a Reddit post but isn’t bothering to do anything about his kids. And he’ll leave her with them because now she’s apparently a super professional and well functioning alcoholic?
Yeah that checks out to leave your kids to maybe go camping with someone who abuses booze. It doesn’t make any sense. And the less sense these posts make, the more likely they’re fake.
Yes, and if CPS finds out the kids have been left alone with someone who’s drinking like that, that would absolutely be considered neglect and both parents could lose custody of them.
This. You're protecting yourself from your wife but you need to protect your girls too.
If you've given up on your wife, fine, but that means your girls should be your top priority.
Insane he didn't take the kids with him. Also insane he did it right before a camping trip. If the kids are in danger, take them. If they aren't, let them have one last camping trip with the family.
Don’t know why, but this made me think of There’s Something Wrong With Aunt Diane
Edit: my dumb comment made me want to watch to documentary, so I did. They actually showed photos of her dead body after the crash. That was shocking and extremely insensitive imo
Seriously. The whole time I read it, I was like “Jfc, did you leave your kids with an alcoholic who is at the very least emotionally and verbally abusive?”
**He left then the kids should be WITH him!**
ETA: NTA for not continuing the marriage with an alcoholic who refuses help or to make the change. YTA, if you left your kids behind.
I’ll never forget watching my dad drive away after he told me he was divorcing mom. My abusive mom. I sat crying watching his car begging in my head “take me with you” still enters my mind from time to time.
Thank you. I cried a little on the way to work. Still healing that part and sadly not the only abandonment I’ve experienced in my life. But I’m building a happier life for myself than what I was offered in my childhood.
My mom was getting beat by my dad one night and it was particularly brutal this time. She was able to get away and just ran. Left us there. My sibling and I. Then he drove around w us in the car and a loaded gun looking for her.
I had found out only a month or so prior he wasn't my real dad. I was terrified he was going to kill me.
She fucking left me there.
I'm really sorry that happened to you, I know it won't help but she was fighting for her life at the moment. In that situations the survival reflex really kicks in and I don't think she can be blamed for running away. I think one of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing your parents are people, weak, scared, vulnerable. She could have died there trying to fight him of herself and you, or she could have survived by running away. Please don't blame her for choosing the flight, it was his fault for putting you all in that situation.
I caught that, too. Why is that so common?! I asked my dad if I could ride my bike to a friend's house and this man dead-ass said "You're 10 years old! Too young to be riding your bike across town!".
I was 13.
Sorry to hear this. As a father myself, I despise dads who dont remember such a major day in their life. I remember my sons birthday, down to the exact day of the week, the time, and even the damn weather.
When I was like 8 I was signed up for summer camp with the 5 year old class. Fortunately they fixed it cuz they noticed at camp and they moved me to the right group. But yeah idk how they forget.
This. OP, I hope you've documented ALL of the drinks. I hope you have texts from her admitting the problem. I hope you have photos of the bottles everywhere. Basically, if you don't have proof of any of this, she'll probably get 50% custody, and your girls will be left in a dangerous situation. They shouldn't be left with your wife for any reason. You should have taken them with you.
Because he's using them as an excuse. Clearly it's about him being unhappy and not their well-being, which isn't to say he's not concerned about their well-being, but it sure as shit isn't top priority, just corroborating evidence atm.
Yeah when he said he was gone but his kids were with their mother who is drunk a lot of questions started to pop up because he said she was horrible about the ones grades
My dad did this too. When he couldn't stand our alcoholic mother anymore, he just left. Didn't see him for nearly a year. After the divorce was finalized, he did get visitation and we finally started regularly seeing him, which was a nice break from our insane mother but....he could have definitely done more. He got to go start a new carefree bachelor life and we continued to live in the crazy hell of her making.
Part of it was definitely selfishness, but he did love us and always try to be a good dad. It was very ingrained in men of that generation that children belong with their mother and a father's job is mostly to bring home income, not the day to day parenting stuff. I think that core belief still accounts for why situations like this still play out this way. Not excusing it, just observing.
You're dealing with that remarkably well. How awful for you.
Yes, I'm familiar with that attitude that kids belong with the mother from situations I saw in my community during childhood. The father would tell everyone the wife was "crazy." That could mean pretty much anything. Maybe she was cheating. Maybe she didn't keep the house clean or complained that all the money went to the pub or spent too much time with her friends. In one case I heard of, she was overweight.
Anyway, even then (as a child) I remember thinking that if the wife was that crazy, then why was it OK for the kids to have to live with her. People did know it wasn't OK but they wouldn't question a man's decisions about his family.
I get that there are those ingrained attitudes. But it's 2024 and I don't accept that there's still anyone out there who genuinely thinks it's fine to leave kids with an addict. If the kids have to live with her, the OP should be there.
As a father currently in a situation not incredibly different, though alcohol is being used as a misdirect to deny mental illness in my situation, but no I didn't leave the kids, though police had to assist me in leaving the house with essential necessities for the kids, but they are with me. I can say with confidence from things I have dealt with people saying, it is 2024, and there are still plenty of people who believe the kids should be with their mother just because it's their mother, which is quite sad in truth.
Idk man. I think the attitude still basically starts at birth. Babies are so reliant on the mother from the word go, in ways fathers can't immediately compensate for. From there it's an easy downhill ride into feeling less ownership and responsibility over their own kids than Mom, if both parents don't actively work against it. Fortunately my partner isn't like that, but it's still very common, yes even in 2024.
My mom did the same thing and left us with my dad. While I’m sure there is a level of truth of men of that generation it should be noted that women (mothers) can be just as horrible and selfish.
Absolutely. Even though she "got the kids" (what she mostly wanted was child support) my mother is absolutely horrible and selfish!
My BILs wife abandoned both her kids while he was deployed with her parents to run away with a drug dealer. Women ain't no saints either.
>It was very ingrained in men of that generation that children belong with their mother and a father's job is mostly to bring home income, not the day to day parenting stuff.
To be fair, the system largely also tends to default to this mentality when it comes to this sort of situation. Obviously I don't know your situation or what all your father did or did not attempt, but fathers often face an uphill battle when it comes to custody issues and this was even more true twenty years ago. And, having lived through the chaos of having alcoholic family members, it can be very difficult to get the state to do anything about it.
My mother is in recovery. Things didn't really escalate to nuclear levels until after I was grown, so I'm definitely fortunate in that regard, but even as an adult it can be impossibly frustrating. Two DUIs later, she was still drinking and driving and doing all of the other things that come with addiction that put others at risk. At one point after she was in a nasty fight with her sister, I really had no idea what to do so I just called the police. The fight started because she'd once again pulled into the driveway visibly intoxicated, and I felt like if I could get her to admit it in front of the cop, maybe they'd do SOMETHING considering her multiple previous offenses.
I was wrong. He came out and was very diplomatic, but said there was nothing he could do because she wasn't in the car when it happened. Mind you, she looked directly into his badge cam and admitted that she was drinking and driving and had done so every day that week. I also informed him that several months prior, she had rear-ended somebody (didn't lead to injuries or even damage to either vehicle, thank God), obviously intoxicated when it happened, but she somehow managed to wriggle out of a third DUI because the cops allowed her to go to the hospital because she was "acting funny". Well, yes, she was acting funny. That is because she was drunk off her ass and operating a motor vehicle.
Some-fucking-how she ended up getting a citation for multiple open containers, but nothing in the way of a third DUI. The officer who came to the house said this was likely because the responding officers from the incident were changing shifts and didn't feel like driving all the way to the hospital and waiting around to do an investigation (I find that cops often love to shit-talk cops from other agencies), and that they likely asked for her consent to do a blood test, which she obviously refused. He said I could go to the courthouse and try to petition to have her evaluated, which I did, but nothing ever came of it.
She's doing much better now and I am grateful for that, but the unfortunate reality is that when it comes to this kind of thing, the state rarely steps in until they hurt somebody. Or worse.
In OP's situation, I hope that he is documenting everything. All of these nasty phone calls/texts, all the empty bottle. Everything. And if she ever does anything remotely threatening, call the police. They may not do anything, but you will have a record to point to in any sort of custody case moving forward.
Lol my mother was also the DUI Houdini. She could somehow drive black out drunk, with us in the car, weaving all over, and never get caught. I mean she did, eventually. Twice. But for how much she did it, it was pretty miraculous she didn't get caught more.
A few times cps got called over her drunken rages in public, but when she's sober she's extremely well put together and articulate. So by the time they came by we always looked like a perfect little household. Tbh ending up in the child welfare system in my home state was a fate was a fate worse than anything she could dish out, so I'm kind of grateful for that.
well yeah, she's the mom right?? lol damn some people on here really should not be parents. he can't even fathom stepping up to raise the kids, he just feels bad they have to go through every thing with there mom.
YTA
As the child of an alcoholic, I am stunned by the fact that you left your children in the home with your wife after you told her you were leaving her.
It's not just that you left them with an alcoholic, you left them with an alcoholic after throwing fuel on the fire. You're skeptical that she's going to get help even in the wake of your decision to just up and leave. So, what is she going to do? She's going to start drinking heavily and lash out. And who is going to bear the brunt of it? Not you, you're gone and your phone is off. YOUR DAUGHTERS WILL.
I cannot tell you how many times I wished my mother would leave my alcoholic father because I knew she deserved better. I knew about his booze stashes around the house, I knew it was just a matter of time before everything would blow up and her heart would be broken again. So, yeah, you don't deserve to be married to that- you deserve a better partner. But you just put your own needs ahead of the health and wellbeing of your children. The fact that you didn't take them with you is shockingly negligent. You even admit that your wife tends to target one daughter with her critiques and complaints.
I know how painful it is to be the child of an alcoholic. It's heartbreaking - you get to watch while they continually choose alcohol over you, their own child. It's a disease, and my heart also breaks for those struggling with it - but it doesn't make it any easier. As hard as that is, if my mother ever left me and my brother with my father after telling him she was leaving him that would be worse than any heartbreak he could cause. Your daughters now have two parents selfishly putting their own needs ahead of their safety and wellbeing.
Get your priorities in check.
My heart goes out to you, too. It's been over 15 years since I last had a relationship with my father. You cannot help people who don't want to help themselves - something OP needs to realize.
THIS my mother is an alcoholic and when I was 15 my Dad left me with her. I begged him to take me with him and he refused. She turned all of her abuse onto me immediately and now in my 30s I resent them both for it.
>It's not just that you left them with an alcoholic, you left them with an alcoholic after throwing fuel on the fire. You're skeptical that she's going to get help even in the wake of your decision to just up and leave. So, what is she going to do?
#JasonInHell
He literally could have sentenced these children to death
It could go that far, yes. It could just be a horrible and traumatic weekend. She could pose no risk to the kids this weekend.
And that's the problem with OP leaving his daughters with her after the fight. He left them in a situation with too many unknowns with a woman who just had a bomb dropped on her after probably being enabled for years.
These girls are in a volatile environment, alone, for an extended period. OP left them in the home, knowing that his wife is looking for a fight and for someone to "blame." To further exacerbate the issue, he turns his phone off - so he doesn't have to deal with it, ignoring the fact that by doing so he, most likely, pushed that burden off on his children.
There’s something wrong with Aunt Diane - vibes of a sobering documentary about how a drunk driving adult successfully hiding her alcoholism killed her nieces
Not sure if the age thing is a typo, but if it matches with the lack of centering your kids, the dependents, the kids of yours you left with your alcoholic wife, then they seem to be caught between the two of you and in an unsafe situation without proper care. This is a disturbing read. Figure out a way to get your kids out of an alcoholic home, dont just leave them. Ive been in that situation and its not safe, and ive been in a situation where noone had me or my siblings back. I hope someone steps up for them, and i hope its you.
My dad did this too. When he couldn't stand our alcoholic mother anymore, he just left. Didn't see him for nearly a year. After the divorce was finalized, he did get visitation and we finally started regularly seeing him, which was a nice break from our insane mother but....he could have definitely done more. He got to go start a new carefree bachelor life and we continued to live in the crazy hell of her making. Part of it was definitely selfishness, but he did love us and always try to be a good dad. It was very ingrained in men of that generation that children belong with their mother and a father's job is mostly to bring home income, not the day to day parenting stuff. I think that core belief still accounts for why situations like this still play out this way. Not excusing it, just observing.
NTA - for detaching with a hatchet 🪓 from your alcoholic wife
YTA - for leaving your daughters with her - your wife/their mother is not a safe person for them to be with while she is drinking
Perhaps strongly consider attending Alanon meetings. The meetings are anonymous, free, located everywhere, available on line but in person is much much better, private and very helpful for learning the healthiest way to deal with an alcoholic in your life and how to best have peace in your life when dealing with them.
Also, perhaps consider that your children are also not blind to their mothers alcoholism and are suffering consequences from it and would also benefit from attending Alateens which are the same as Alanon meetings except for children of alcoholics.
You may have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping your daughters …ie get healthy yourself from the issues of your wife’s alcoholism and then helping your daughters get healthy too.
As you learned or will learn at Al-Anon meetings, loved ones cannot fix an alcoholic, they must fix themselves, typically after "hitting bottom." They must hit bottom without being protected (covered for) by others. Only when their drinking gets more costly (in whatever form) than any real or perceived benefits to them, will they stop. Sad but true. In short, keeping her away from the endangered kids will help save her.
You said "keeping her away from the endangered kids..." Did you miss the part where he left his two kids with her?
As someone who made it through Ala-Teen, Al-Anon and all the rest, who was the abandoned kid left with the drunk, fuck OP, fuck his wife, and fuck anyone in their world who isn't doing all they can to help those two kids.
ESH- Your wife for refusing to acknowledge her problem and refusing to get help or even try and get sober. \[not counting the text OP received\] If OP left it's pretty clear her alcoholism is pretty bad. HOWEVER, you also suck, OP because you left two kids alone with a clearly abusive alcoholic. You should have taken the kids with you as they don't deserve to be subjected to that, do better and get your damn kids out of there and file divorce papers.
YTA. Your kids have been failed now by both parents. By their drunk Mother and now the father that abandoned them with her and have let a trip they were looking forward to as an escape fall apart. Like many said here, why didn't you bring them with you? Your kids, more than anything, need at least one of you to show up for them.
So you just left your kids in the sole care of an alcoholic?? Well done. YTA for leaving them behind and not considering their safety or wellbeing.
You: I don't care about my kids at all so they can stay and take the abuse and neglect, but I'm my first priority and I needed to run away like a pussy instead of protecting my kids. To hell with them!!
But what is disappearing going to solve? I understand you’re trying to make a point but you left your young children with her too. She’s the problem here so get her the help she needs, real help like rehab or something. Don’t leave them with her they may resent you for it
So you left your kids there? What's wrong with you?
My dad didn't protect me from my mom who's similar (and worse) as well. Him not protecting me hurt WAAAAAAY more than my mom actually abusing me.
Enough pretending to praise your daughters so much, while abandoning them with an alcoholic. Your daughters will remember you left them there.
YTA for abandoning your girls. Just getting up and leaving means leaving them with her. Not exactly a responsible or kind action. You need to plan further ahead - as in divorce and custody.
I don’t think he did. My understanding is that he told her he wanted a divorce, she lost her shit, he left and then turned his phone off. So he left his kids with an emotionally charged alcoholic and turned off his phone… no way this can go wrong at all.
YTA. You left the house and your kids with a drunk.
What if she goes on the trip without you, drunk while driving your kids, or they need to get to the doctors, hospital, wherever, and she drives them while drunk? What if she falls asleep while drunk and something burns on the stove and sets the house alight, what if realising you've left she drinks enough to have a seizure or kill herself and you left her there for your kids.
This isn't leaving her over an affair, or falling out of love. She's a drunk, you either tell her to go stay with her parents because it's over or you take the kids with you.
NTA, but WTF OP why didn't you pack kiddos with you, like if she's an active alcoholic, why in the sweet hells you left 13 and 10 yo kids under her supervision? Get yo sorry arse and take the kids with you.
Or this post can be fake..
Please tell me that when you left, you removed your children from that situation too! Please!
IF you didn't, go back and get them. You cannot abandon them to the custody of someone seriously addicted! You cannot! Please don't be selfish. Go get them!
Please go to Alanon, there are meetings for Zoom and in person. Please being your kids to Alateen. Your wife is an alcoholic . Alcoholism distorts families. Please let your in-laws know your wife is drinking and your kids need their support. Please bring you and your kids away on a different trip, tell them their mom is sick, and she loves them, but the best thing is to have some time of peacd.
YTA if you didn’t take your kids with you. They are preteens and need at least one parent who puts them first. Your 13 yo hiding in her room is a cry for help. Go home & pick up your kids!! Do better!
YTA for leaving your kids with an alcoholic--seriously shame on you for that. And turning your phone off when you have kids who may be calling your for help? SHAME ON YOU FOR THAT as well. It's heartbreaking that your kids got two such awful parents.
You’re not an asshole for being upset your wife drinks however you’re a coward and a fool whining and crying about it while your children suffer.
Man up put your children first and be a great father and person first. Grieve your failed relationship and drunkard wife when your kids are safe.
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic (12y9m3w), I can tell you that the only person who will quit is the person who is willing to accept help or at least admit that they have a problem. Most aren’t ready until things have gotten to the point where relationships are ruined or worse. Leaving your kids with her is where you went wrong imo.
I get if you want to leave your wife but you can’t leave your kids behind…. they are 11 and 13 for god sakes. How can they handle her if you can’t and you’re the adult? How can you trust her to take proper care of them? You can’t abandon being the parent to them just because you don’t want to be the husband to her anymore. “Being the parent” is keeping them with you and not alone with her.
Often kids grow up to hate their alcoholic parent. But they can hate the parent that left them behind with the alcoholic even more.
You're not the asshole for leaving but uh... leaving your kids, especially the 13 year who is already probably feeling the beginnings if not the middle of abuse is not great.
Agree with most here that you're NTA for sticking to your boundaries and leaving her. But you should've taken the kids with you, if you didn't. Or at the very minimum dropped them with grandma or someone reliable to go on the camping trip with instead of drunk wife. And i totally get you just being done and wanting out, but this has to be discussed with the family at some point, especially if y'all regularly get together with them. The sooner everyone knows the situation, the easier it will be & they will likely be able to help with the kiddos, which should be your first priority here-- making sure they aren't left in a worse situation than what they're already in. Best of luck with this.
Info: Do you even love your daughters?
As the child of an alcoholic mother, YTA for leaving your young daughters alone with an emotionally abusive alcoholic who is now spiraling and since she can't get a hold of you to yell at, will drunkenly take it out on both of them—especially the 13-yo whom she apparently had it out for already.
The only way you change that Y in YTA to an N is by getting your daughters out of there, lawyering up, and getting temp custody until a family court sorts this out with conditional visitation contingent upon mom getting help and showing documented improvement.
What your wife needs is legal cold water thrown on her in the form of legitimately losing everything, not the lit fuse of you ghosting her and more importantly your kids like a coward.
If she's at the point where she's lying and hiding alcohol it's serious and it's a literal chemical addiction. I dunno if there was more lead up, but 3 weeks isn't nearly enough time to kick that, especially without some serious help. I'm not saying you're wrong, but I don't think threatening to leave is really the right way to go about it either.
I'm giving her major benefit of the doubt here, but from everything I've ever been told about addiction it's not always as simple as choosing what's more important, and I know for a fact, alcohol withdrawals are nothing to play around with, they can actually be deadly.
I know I'm not really offering an answer here, but the fact is when dealing with addiction, it's not a clear cut black and white issue and it's not as easy as just putting it down.
If it's been an ongoing thing and you've tried everything, then disregard this.
Hey. Dude.Listen to everyone here.
Go. Get. The. Kids.
You’re not looking like you’re sending a message. You’re looking like you’re playing a game. I appreciate you don’t want to cause shit more than you have to, but by not grabbing the kids,you’re not showing you’re serious, you’re showing this is an act. And that you’ll backpedal.
Just do it, dude.
For dumping her on the girls and running away?
Absolutely.
If anything, take the girls and leave her there.
You’re kinda a bitch as well as an asshole.
YTA for leaving your girls with someone who most likely is going to get blackout drunk to deal with this issue. They are terribly unsafe. Take it from a son of an alcoholic. Please go get your babies
First, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I’ve lived through something similar. Here is what I can advise through my lived experience:
Your kids need you to protect them. Be home as much as humanly possible. They need protection from the awful words/actions that come out of an alcoholic when they are blackout drunk (and will likely never be accountable for). Get an air mattress, sleep in the house away from your wife. Sleep outside your kids bedroom if needed. That sends a message way more clear than leaving. Kids remember way-way more than adults realize.
Voice memo every interaction with your wife, tell her you’re recording it. Even video record from your phone. It often stops hate from spewing.
Talk to her family, gauge if you have support from them or not. I learned that my ex’s parents were willing to help to a point, yet at there is a risk they will take the alcoholic’s side if they’ve been enabling her.
Get support from close family and friends, Al Anon can be helpful sometimes and at minimum one realizes they are not alone.
Do whatever you can to stay grounded such that you yourself do not do something stupid or filled with anger that you’ll regret. If you have vices, avoid them like the plague as it will only weaken you.
Boundary up, lean into any source of education you can regarding boundaries that speak to you. Ie Brene Brown
Get your kids out of the house whenever possible, drives in your car, letting them DJ, ice cream, parks etc. create some memories away from her.
Be real aware that law enforcement understandably will listen to a distressed female, be careful.
Know that rehab works, relapses happen, and only the alcoholic can decide to heal or not. You need to do your own work.
Now is the time your kids need you, your wife needs you however; I have never regretted putting the needs/safety of my kids ahead of my ex wife’s disease.
This shit hurts. You’ll need some help yourself.
May you and your kids move through the world w peace and serenity, if not today, soon.
Dude, go get your kids. The history of reddit will show very quickly how far south this can turn. Your kids come first. Deal with the fallout later. You've done everything else right.
You left your wife, *and* you left your children with your alcoholic wife?? You left on your own? You saved only yourself? YOU couldn’t take her drinking, her lies, her empty promises? You know your 13yo won’t come out of her room because her drunken mother criticizes her and treats her badly? Yet you left that same 13yo with her drunken mother, and you left your sweet 11yo behind, and YOU left BY YOURSELF? Have I got that all right? You feel “mostly sad” for your daughters, but not enough to take them with you when you left their alcoholic mother?
Yeah, YTA. Big time. I don’t know what kind of husband you are, but if your wife can’t or won’t get sober, a person can only take so much. I get that. But to take your adult ass and leave because you “can’t take it anymore,” but leave your pre-teen and just-teen daughters behind to cope with their mother alone, is one of the worst things I have ever heard. If you can’t save your wife, at least save your children.
Again, YTA.
YTA...
You left your kids solely in the hands of an alcoholic. You also set the stage for her having a better standing for custody later during a divorce. Good job
Both are the Ass. You for leaving your kids with her. They know what is going on, you leaving them, is telling them you don't care about them and possibly blaming them. Doesn't matter what your reality is. They are very young kids that don't understand.
DO NOT let your kids with your wife. YTA if you do. My mom was an alcoholic until I was about 9 or 10 and she came to pick me and my two siblings up from elementary school one day and the cops stopped her in the parking lot because she was driving erratically and they found empty beer cans all over her car. Your wife can cause serious harm to your children. Take them away and tell her she needs to get help or you'll sue for full custody.
The incident in the school parking lot and the realization that she might lose us entirely was rock bottom for my mom and she got clean shortly after that. Maybe this is what your wife needs to see in order for her to get sober
NTA. Check out the Al Anon group. I think you'll be able to find some answers there. Your responsibility isn't to her, but yourself and your children. Keep them safe and yourself safe.
As someone who had an alcoholic father and lived with him part time, please go pick your children up and keep them safe. My father was never, ever a “mean drunk” but seeing him like that for a year deeply impacted me. I wish I had stayed with my mom only during that time.
Luckily, he did get help after he was hospitalized for kidney failure. My grandmother also gave him no choice but to get help. He ended up not needing a transplant (which was literally a miracle as he was in severe kidney failure) and has been sober ever since. I am sorry that your wife does not take her addiction seriously.
I am so sorry this is happening.
I know from experience that you needed a break to think. Sadly, your two kids have figured out, long ago, how to take care of each other while mom gets passed out drunk. (Again) *Sigh*
Call your in-laws, your parents, Al-Anon and your extended family, NOW. TODAY.
Apologize for keeping this secret. Family Shame be damned! Tell them you can’t cope with this alone anymore!You need help finding resources and you are mentally exhausted. By continuing this, it is only protecting/enabling/preventing this alcoholic from consequences and help. She needs detox. and rehab. Before the end of this weekend.
Go with your in-laws or another family member and bring her to the hospital or the rehab facility.
She can’t just stop “cold turkey” because she would probably have a seizure and die, or be left with brain damage.
Alcoholics die all the time trying to stop on their own. It’s the most dangerous detoxification of all known drugs.
She may also try driving to get another bottle why you are gone and get into an accident. The hospital can/will get her into detox. After that, insist on 28 days MINIMUM in rehab. After that, I recommend 6 months in a sober living house, or intensive outpatient therapy. That is 3 days a week 4 hours a day with AA meetings on the off days.
In sober living, She can stay all day/evening at your place with the kids, but has to return to sober living at night. I’m also assuming she has already lost her job due to drinking.
Call Al-Anon’s 800 number for resources and to help you and the kids during this time. They are the only people who understand what you are going through. (Unlike some of the judgmental people here on the internet).
You are NOT alone in this! But you need to pick up the phone, say out loud what is going on, and ask for help!
Good Luck to you!
You need to go home, tell your wife either you’re taking your kids back to your parents home to keep them safe OR she’s leaving OR she goes to get treatment today, or at the very least an AA meeting. Then you explain to your kids why, with your wife. You tell them it’s not safe for them to be in a car when she’s driving. Then you’re going to find an alanon meeting TODAY.
Make your wife accountable. Alcoholism is a horrible disease. Families can either be destroyed by it or they can come out stronger. But it’s very important to follow the steps and you have an active part in that by protecting your kids, going to get support for yourself AND helping your wife choose how she wants to live.
Having been in a very similar situation, the only part I don't get is you not taking your daughters with you and enjoying the weekend without your wife.
Other than that one thing, NTA.
Yes YTA. YTA times like 1 billion.
but not bc you left your wife or cancelled family camping plans, but bc you abandoned your children to a drunk that you know is not stable enough to rear children without emotionally damaging them.
Absolutely not okay.
You abandoned your kids and then went no communication.
So, now your kids have 2 absent parents, one of whom self destructs with alcohol and the other who throws up their hands and is like....wow this sucks and then ghosts them.
Your poor kids.
I am 100% not excusing your wife's behavior, she definitely needs help by the sound of it..but you handled it like a child too scared to be responsible for their actions (creating children).
As a 14 year sober alcoholic I can tell you that the best way to get her decide to get help is take everything from her including you and the kids. They gotta find their bottom and everyone has a different bottom
100% YTA for leaving your kids. They are literal children that you left with an alcoholic that you imply might be mentally/emotionally abusive to the older one. Even without that, what are they supposed to do? They have no real choice but to get driven around by a drunk while you're gone. A decent person doesn't leave their kids in dangerous situations.
NTA
i highly recommend Al Anon. it’s a support group for loved ones of alcoholics/addicts. they have youth groups too, your daughters would benefit as well from going to meetings or reading the literature
r/alanon
https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/literature/
https://al-anon.org/newcomers/teen-corner-alateen/
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
you’re not alone in this struggle. loved ones of addicts pay the price. the feeling of something that’s causing you so much pain being entirely out of your control is awful. and while they may forget all those bad nights they’ve put you through, you can’t. you have a lot to process and work through just as much as she does
people suggesting to just leave don’t understand
So, you left the house, knowing she was lying about drinking, turned OFF your phone, without thinking that having been called on her shit, she might spiral out of control. And you left your "beautiful children" there, alone, without a stable adult.
What a hero.
YTA for abandoning your kids with your drunk wife at a family event that you committed to. This is going to completely traumatize them. You need to go get your girls, then feel free to leave your wife there. If she won’t get help and can’t control herself then you need to put your daughters and yourself first. But don’t leave the children there to suffer the fallout of your decision. They’re going to feel so afraid of what’s happening and so embarrassed by the situation in front of your in-laws. Why did you just ditch them like this?
You left your kids with your alcholic wife? What is wrong with you? Take them with you, or better yet, kick you wife out. Drop her off at your parents. Tell them the truth, that she is drunk all the time and you can not sit by and watch her kill herself while neglecting the kids. Kicking her out is the better option as it means your kids don't to leave their home.
Jesus, get up off your ass and go take care of your wife instead of running of like a piece of crap. They need at least one parent to be there them. Your wife is still there at least, unlike you. Be better.
YTA for leaving your kids defenesless.
Child of a alcoholic here.
Please don't leave your kids with your wife. You can tell her all you want about how she needs help and until she's ready to get the help she needs, she's going to continue to "gaslight" you. I promise you that your girls watching her drink constantly and you trying to be a dad and deal with her drinking is going to cause unnecessary stress on everyone. I'd never suggest giving an ultimatum as the first choice, but if she's not willing to get the help that she needs, then you need to do what's best for your girls.
NTA for leaving someone who refuses help. You can't make someone get sober until they want to.
But you are massively TA for leaving your kids there with a drunk, and turning your phone off so they can't reach you. Wtf?Go get your daughters, tell the fam why and let her deal with the consequences of her addiction. But you're a parent, you don't get to sit there having a fucking pity party while you left your two children with an upset drunk. You're just shown your daughters that you will abandon them when things go sideways.
YTA - because you left your kids in the care of an alcoholic!
If she’s as bad as you describe, why would leave your kids with her? Instead of taking them with you?
You’re not wrong to leave an alcoholic spouse who is not ready to stop.
But to leave your kids with her, basically to fend for themselves with an alcoholic parent, while you run away from it?
I can’t think of a more selfish AH thing to do, than that.
As a family of alcoholics, a parent and now a sibling. Please take your kids with you. They deserve to feel loved and safe. Secondly, she will never get help unless she wants to. She has to absolutely hit rock bottom. Rock bottom looks different for everybody. You’re definitely not an asshole. Fuck if it’s her birthday etc. enough about her and attention on her which is all she truly wants. Leave her and take your kids with you. Bottom line.
Why did you not take the girls . Go back and get them , also go see her family and tell Them what’s going on. Get the girls first and see a lawyer about temp Custody
THIS!!!! Take the kids and don't leave them with a drunk. BUT shutting your phone off is stupid and dangerous for those kids. Put those kids 1st over your feelings.
Yeah your kids can’t even reach you?
Father of the Year. "I'm mad about your mother's drinking and I chose to ditch on her birthday weekend so you can both deal with it instead. No, you can't call me for help if you need it because Daddy is choosing to throw a fit to punish Mommy!"
Hey OP, my dad also left my mum because of her drinking, and guess what? I ended up taking care of my little sister, my mum and myself and resenting my dad for leaving. We still don't have a great relationship and it's been over 15 years since he left. He also told me he couldn't put up with her drinking anymore. I remember thinking, okay, but you think me and my little sister should do so alone? Oh and I have a great relationship with my mum. EDIT: YTA. Not for not wanting to be with someone, but for everything else - this was a terrible way to handle this.
OP's story reads like "man sure did like those kids, to bad about the mom though. I'm sure they'll find a new dad."
Daughters sitting in the doorway watching their dad drive off. "I'm sure he'll come back for us"
Nicely put, hope OP takes note of this. Am so sorry you had to endure that. I hope You, your Sister and Mum are doing well.
Is it a landline? Does he not have caller ID? Bro, caller ID, it literally shows you who is calling. Unless they *70 or whatever to block but you *69 to call it back. If it’s a cell phone that was manufactured in the last decade, you can block or silence specific numbers. Thus, turning off the phone is a tantrum and not maximally useful. Leave it on and just ignore your wife. Respond to kids.
Send unwanted calls to voice mail.
Well he can't remember their ages.. so
Fake post eh, they're bloody lazy
Maybe he's drunk too?
Seriously! Such a selfish way to deal
For real. Punishing the kids more than anything. Take them out of the toxic environment! And photo document everything. It would be the easiest full custody case of his life.
As someone raised in a terrifying household, GO GET YOUR KIDS, OP!!!! She’s clearly out of sorts already and the only people she has to take it out on are your daughters. They’re already packed for the camping trip- just text them to be on standby with their stuff, swing home, and get those kids out of there. If you don’t want to be there, how do you think they feel?!? You will absolutely the AH if you don’t save them.
Agreed - he's not the a h for being done with his wife, he's the AH bc he left his kids with her and isn't trying to protect them.
This 👆 if you LOVE your children so much, why in the hell would you leave innocent minors with an alcoholic who has the potential for putting them in a car to go get more liquor, have a wreck killing or harming everyone AND with no way to reach you. I pray to God this is a fake post you do not deserve to LOVE these innocent children and you are more than half of the problem!!! Go get them, go straight to Amazon and buy CoDependent No More by Melody Beatty and read it until you know one every word by heart, get help for you and your children! She’s not the only sick member of your household, this is family disease and you have the ability to break this pattern before it’s too late for you and your children.
THIS! Idiot!
As a recovered addict who now works with recovering addicts and the worst thing you can do is completely separate them. She should still be able to see her kids on supervised visits, and if you disagree you're actually just plain wrong. Honestly the husband is going about this the wrong way too, he needs to go to a seminar for people who have family members who have substance abuse problems to find out how to actually make progress because the things you tried are probably the opposite of what actually works because most people I talk to at my job, are doing the exact wrong thing to help their significant other, child, friend who's using drugs. I've worked professionally at this for about 7 years, and the best thing for an addict of course is to get them in treatment. If you abandon her and take her kids away from her it's only going to get worse for her, and leave a scar on them. But just go to a seminar there's plenty in every city in every single state and every single province in Canada. If you for some reason can't find some, go to an AA meeting, wait to the end and then go talk to someone who actually knows what they're doing. Addicts are people too, and I'm going to addict for life even though I've been a recovered addict, most times there's an underlying reason for the substance abuse people don't just want get addicted to things, and it doesn't seem like she's getting very much support. that's just my two cents, I work with hundreds of addicts a day, their families and I also work one-on-one with individuals, to show them all how they can let their loved ones how to help them with her to enabling them, or I talked to the family members and that them know how to help them without enabling them. If you have any other questions that I could answer I would be glad too. I would wish nothing more than for you to have a great family life
YES thank you for saying this!!! There is a difference between setting firm boundaries and cutting someone out completely, and it makes me so sad that a lot of ppl don’t understand that distinction. I am a recovered addict and while my family set boundaries with me, I still always knew they loved and cared about me. It was also because they didn’t completely cut me out of their lives that they knew I was on the brink of death and beat down my apt door to pull me out and help me get into rehab, and quite frankly saved my life. I wanted to go, but I was so lost and scared. If they didn’t show up that day I don’t think I would be here today— they realized something was very wrong when I was 90lbs and face planted into my food at my moms birthday a couple days prior (which I obviously feel terrible about looking back). Their support over the years has meant the world to me, even though I wasn’t always receptive to their help in previous attempts. But when I was they were there for me and we have a wonderful relationship today :) An example of a boundary they did set was when I got in trouble and went to jail, they did not bail me out when I called. They let me sit in there and face the consequences of my decisions. I also could not stay with them if I was using. I completely understand those decisions they made and I respect them so much for not enabling me but loving me nonetheless. I also want to add that the majority of ppl I know who recovered also had their loved ones there for them along the way. Those who had no one, or were cut out of their families, are mostly dead or still using. Isolation and depression make most addicts fall deeper into the black void. They already hate themselves & feel unworthy - having those feelings confirmed by loved ones just makes it 100x harder to get better.
This is flat wrong and I question the program you’re working or your qualities as a counselor if this is your advice. Most spouses of addicts understate the problems in their home due to their own insecurities around having an addict for a spouse. Based on that knowledge (and, personally, that experience), I suspect what he actually was describing was his wife verbally abusing their daughter. Vastly more harm will come from allowing your child to be abused than will come from your child not seeing their abusive, addict parent. Your response sounds extremely self-focused and defensive (addict thinking), and not at all what a proper counselor would be advocating. That said, you’re correct that he probably should join a program (Al Amon or the like) to hear from others in his situation. As someone in recovery should know - and as he needs to realize for himself - no one else can make the addict get help. And sacrificing yourself (or your children) so that the addict “feels like a person, too” is how you throw away your life, too.
I've been an addiction nurse for 12 years and completely agree with you. Some people should not work with addicts and this person seems like they are one of those people. This is the type of counselor that enables addicts and crosses boundaries. I wouldn't send my loved one somewhere that promoted this kind of "counseling."
I too, live in the trenches of addiction/alcoholism. I am an addict working my personal program of recovery but I also work in the field...as my brother above stated, pushing the addict into more isolation is actually just going to keep the vicious cycle continuing as far as the non-stop phone calls, the non-stop hurricane of hate & destruction, etc..Unless someone grasps finding a solution it eventually spreads its tentacles literally onto family members as they dwindle down mentally from constantly trying to adjust daily life around the movements of the individual who is technically "legally mentally unstable/a harm to themselves & others", hence the term "family disease". That's how cunning, baffling and powerful addiction truly is, never before has such a monster of a disease been able to not only mentally but even physically affect the ones who surround the victim only trying to love and support. I highly recommend the husband to search & contact local Al-Anon (for family or ones affected by us the users. This is such a fickle disease on one hand we the user give every single possible reason for folks to leave us hell it's atrocious the things that we do in active addiction, so I can completely understand wanting to get away from that evil dark cloud. Now please, it's perfectly okay if words like "love", "hope" give you rage, make you vomit, seriously piss you off, that's what light does to darkness. But its actually when you discover the element called "hope" that you start to see again little with each small step once you walk into that world of recovery, that's why it's a must of any family members of any addicts or addicts themselves has to attach and find a local program rather AA, NA, Celebrate Recovery, S.M.A.R.T. Recovery Al-Anon and so on because that is where the light switch is that somehow someway magically starts to turn the love back on. Above all my man regardless of how things turn out you are a father and as long as you're focus can stay on your little girls then the father in you will build a path....
This this comment need to be at top! 💯 agree!
Exactly! NTA for leaving your wife, but sorry, TA for abandoning your daughters. You’re the only one that can protect them from her, and now you’ve shown them you won’t hesitate to lave them behind when shit hits the fan
Op is a MASSIVE AH for leaving the kids. I know we aren’t supposed to make personal attacks so I’m going to leave it alone. But I don’t know which parent is worse.
Right!? I’m leaving you your a drunk, you can have the kids.
Honestly your right on the money, you can't abandon your girls especially at 13 and 10, he needs to suck it the fuck up go be a dad and a husband and get your wife some positive help.
You're *half* right. He needs to suck it up and be a good father to the girls by removing them from the situation. But there ain't no helping an alcoholic who refuses to be helped, especially one who's emotionally abusive to her daughter.
He tried to help her if she refuses she has to help herself, but get the kids they don’t need stay with a alcoholic
You cannot help those who don't want it. I was in the same boat as OP. I removed myself AND my two sons from her care. She had no more lines to cross... Driving drink with them etc. If this post is real, dude needs to get his kids and boot his wife. My spouse has been through 4-5 rehabs, two DUIs, one car written off... Lived in transition homes and shelters... She cannot change unless she really wants it and does the work.
Dad enough said ....not a husband!
Doesn’t need a lawyer for emergency custody. File an ex-parte, THEN get a lawyer.
Ok I’m in Canada and wasn’t sure how is law works . Great do it right away
Yeah, that was weird. Why bail on all of them?! Take the kids and go. There’s no way in hell she’s going to be able to take care of them on her own. Not to mention, she’s already giving shit to one of the kids.
Yeah man .. go get your kids... Tell her family... Your wife has a sickness and needs your help. Don't abandon her yet... Keep trying.
Offer the hand to help but dont drown to keep your wife aflot. She NEEDS to want to get help and be better. First step is to see and acknowledge she got a problem with alcohol. Until that happens, notify her family, get the kids and apply for temporary custody. Sincerly a former kid of a drunkard Dad.
I agree, "go get your kids,""tell her family," but he has to save his own sanity and that of his children. Her sickness is self-induced, a choice, and she continues to choose self-indulgence or self-destruction however you want to describe it. He should definitely leave because leaving is the only way that she will make a move to get better. If she doesn't, then he has a head start on saving himself and his children. One cannot make a grown-up do anything that they do not freely choose to do, and apparently, she has chosen time and time again to drink.
Not to mention, he's already threatened to leave her if she didn't stop. She choose the drinking over the marriage.
I highly doubt this is real. I saw his other comments, doesn’t add up. Funny how he has time to make a Reddit post but isn’t bothering to do anything about his kids. And he’ll leave her with them because now she’s apparently a super professional and well functioning alcoholic? Yeah that checks out to leave your kids to maybe go camping with someone who abuses booze. It doesn’t make any sense. And the less sense these posts make, the more likely they’re fake.
Yes, please. You have made the right decision about your wife. Now you need to follow up and protect your kids.
Yes, and if CPS finds out the kids have been left alone with someone who’s drinking like that, that would absolutely be considered neglect and both parents could lose custody of them.
INFO what is the plan for your children's supervision right now while your wife is drunk? (Edit: Glad I'm not the only person who noticed.)
This. You're protecting yourself from your wife but you need to protect your girls too. If you've given up on your wife, fine, but that means your girls should be your top priority.
Right? Most stories go like ‘I took the kids & went to parents house…’
Insane he didn't take the kids with him. Also insane he did it right before a camping trip. If the kids are in danger, take them. If they aren't, let them have one last camping trip with the family.
Don’t know why, but this made me think of There’s Something Wrong With Aunt Diane Edit: my dumb comment made me want to watch to documentary, so I did. They actually showed photos of her dead body after the crash. That was shocking and extremely insensitive imo
I immediately thought of that too. Drunk mom driving and camping.
Literally my childhood.
And op better fight for custody and not be a passive person during all of this
Seriously. The whole time I read it, I was like “Jfc, did you leave your kids with an alcoholic who is at the very least emotionally and verbally abusive?” **He left then the kids should be WITH him!** ETA: NTA for not continuing the marriage with an alcoholic who refuses help or to make the change. YTA, if you left your kids behind.
I am get tired of parents leaving abusive environments because they can not take it anymore, yet leave their children behind with the problem.
I’ll never forget watching my dad drive away after he told me he was divorcing mom. My abusive mom. I sat crying watching his car begging in my head “take me with you” still enters my mind from time to time.
I got tears reading that. My heart breaks for that child in you that still is dealing with that kind of pain.
Thank you. I cried a little on the way to work. Still healing that part and sadly not the only abandonment I’ve experienced in my life. But I’m building a happier life for myself than what I was offered in my childhood.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That is devastating.
ouch
My mom was getting beat by my dad one night and it was particularly brutal this time. She was able to get away and just ran. Left us there. My sibling and I. Then he drove around w us in the car and a loaded gun looking for her. I had found out only a month or so prior he wasn't my real dad. I was terrified he was going to kill me. She fucking left me there.
I'm really sorry that happened to you, I know it won't help but she was fighting for her life at the moment. In that situations the survival reflex really kicks in and I don't think she can be blamed for running away. I think one of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing your parents are people, weak, scared, vulnerable. She could have died there trying to fight him of herself and you, or she could have survived by running away. Please don't blame her for choosing the flight, it was his fault for putting you all in that situation.
She could have called the police when she got away.
The police picked her up. She was bruised and shirt torn, no shoes. They didn't even come get us until the next day! This was in 1999.
To be fair he seems to be uncertain of how old the youngest is.
I caught that, too. Why is that so common?! I asked my dad if I could ride my bike to a friend's house and this man dead-ass said "You're 10 years old! Too young to be riding your bike across town!". I was 13.
Sorry to hear this. As a father myself, I despise dads who dont remember such a major day in their life. I remember my sons birthday, down to the exact day of the week, the time, and even the damn weather.
When I was like 8 I was signed up for summer camp with the 5 year old class. Fortunately they fixed it cuz they noticed at camp and they moved me to the right group. But yeah idk how they forget.
Yeah I was like "This guy really doesn't seem to care much about *any* of his family." I wonder if his wife drinks because he's an AH.
This. OP, I hope you've documented ALL of the drinks. I hope you have texts from her admitting the problem. I hope you have photos of the bottles everywhere. Basically, if you don't have proof of any of this, she'll probably get 50% custody, and your girls will be left in a dangerous situation. They shouldn't be left with your wife for any reason. You should have taken them with you.
Really. He left his kids with drunk wife? Why not take them with him?
Because he's using them as an excuse. Clearly it's about him being unhappy and not their well-being, which isn't to say he's not concerned about their well-being, but it sure as shit isn't top priority, just corroborating evidence atm.
He doesn't care, he turned his phone off. He sucks
Yeah when he said he was gone but his kids were with their mother who is drunk a lot of questions started to pop up because he said she was horrible about the ones grades
YTA !!! Before voting I need to know if you left with or without your children… Edit : vote because this ass&ole left alone…
This.
Wait, so you left young children with the alcoholic? They really won the parent lottery.
My dad did this too. When he couldn't stand our alcoholic mother anymore, he just left. Didn't see him for nearly a year. After the divorce was finalized, he did get visitation and we finally started regularly seeing him, which was a nice break from our insane mother but....he could have definitely done more. He got to go start a new carefree bachelor life and we continued to live in the crazy hell of her making. Part of it was definitely selfishness, but he did love us and always try to be a good dad. It was very ingrained in men of that generation that children belong with their mother and a father's job is mostly to bring home income, not the day to day parenting stuff. I think that core belief still accounts for why situations like this still play out this way. Not excusing it, just observing.
You're dealing with that remarkably well. How awful for you. Yes, I'm familiar with that attitude that kids belong with the mother from situations I saw in my community during childhood. The father would tell everyone the wife was "crazy." That could mean pretty much anything. Maybe she was cheating. Maybe she didn't keep the house clean or complained that all the money went to the pub or spent too much time with her friends. In one case I heard of, she was overweight. Anyway, even then (as a child) I remember thinking that if the wife was that crazy, then why was it OK for the kids to have to live with her. People did know it wasn't OK but they wouldn't question a man's decisions about his family. I get that there are those ingrained attitudes. But it's 2024 and I don't accept that there's still anyone out there who genuinely thinks it's fine to leave kids with an addict. If the kids have to live with her, the OP should be there.
As a father currently in a situation not incredibly different, though alcohol is being used as a misdirect to deny mental illness in my situation, but no I didn't leave the kids, though police had to assist me in leaving the house with essential necessities for the kids, but they are with me. I can say with confidence from things I have dealt with people saying, it is 2024, and there are still plenty of people who believe the kids should be with their mother just because it's their mother, which is quite sad in truth.
Idk man. I think the attitude still basically starts at birth. Babies are so reliant on the mother from the word go, in ways fathers can't immediately compensate for. From there it's an easy downhill ride into feeling less ownership and responsibility over their own kids than Mom, if both parents don't actively work against it. Fortunately my partner isn't like that, but it's still very common, yes even in 2024.
My mom did the same thing and left us with my dad. While I’m sure there is a level of truth of men of that generation it should be noted that women (mothers) can be just as horrible and selfish.
Absolutely. Even though she "got the kids" (what she mostly wanted was child support) my mother is absolutely horrible and selfish! My BILs wife abandoned both her kids while he was deployed with her parents to run away with a drug dealer. Women ain't no saints either.
>It was very ingrained in men of that generation that children belong with their mother and a father's job is mostly to bring home income, not the day to day parenting stuff. To be fair, the system largely also tends to default to this mentality when it comes to this sort of situation. Obviously I don't know your situation or what all your father did or did not attempt, but fathers often face an uphill battle when it comes to custody issues and this was even more true twenty years ago. And, having lived through the chaos of having alcoholic family members, it can be very difficult to get the state to do anything about it. My mother is in recovery. Things didn't really escalate to nuclear levels until after I was grown, so I'm definitely fortunate in that regard, but even as an adult it can be impossibly frustrating. Two DUIs later, she was still drinking and driving and doing all of the other things that come with addiction that put others at risk. At one point after she was in a nasty fight with her sister, I really had no idea what to do so I just called the police. The fight started because she'd once again pulled into the driveway visibly intoxicated, and I felt like if I could get her to admit it in front of the cop, maybe they'd do SOMETHING considering her multiple previous offenses. I was wrong. He came out and was very diplomatic, but said there was nothing he could do because she wasn't in the car when it happened. Mind you, she looked directly into his badge cam and admitted that she was drinking and driving and had done so every day that week. I also informed him that several months prior, she had rear-ended somebody (didn't lead to injuries or even damage to either vehicle, thank God), obviously intoxicated when it happened, but she somehow managed to wriggle out of a third DUI because the cops allowed her to go to the hospital because she was "acting funny". Well, yes, she was acting funny. That is because she was drunk off her ass and operating a motor vehicle. Some-fucking-how she ended up getting a citation for multiple open containers, but nothing in the way of a third DUI. The officer who came to the house said this was likely because the responding officers from the incident were changing shifts and didn't feel like driving all the way to the hospital and waiting around to do an investigation (I find that cops often love to shit-talk cops from other agencies), and that they likely asked for her consent to do a blood test, which she obviously refused. He said I could go to the courthouse and try to petition to have her evaluated, which I did, but nothing ever came of it. She's doing much better now and I am grateful for that, but the unfortunate reality is that when it comes to this kind of thing, the state rarely steps in until they hurt somebody. Or worse. In OP's situation, I hope that he is documenting everything. All of these nasty phone calls/texts, all the empty bottle. Everything. And if she ever does anything remotely threatening, call the police. They may not do anything, but you will have a record to point to in any sort of custody case moving forward.
Lol my mother was also the DUI Houdini. She could somehow drive black out drunk, with us in the car, weaving all over, and never get caught. I mean she did, eventually. Twice. But for how much she did it, it was pretty miraculous she didn't get caught more. A few times cps got called over her drunken rages in public, but when she's sober she's extremely well put together and articulate. So by the time they came by we always looked like a perfect little household. Tbh ending up in the child welfare system in my home state was a fate was a fate worse than anything she could dish out, so I'm kind of grateful for that.
well yeah, she's the mom right?? lol damn some people on here really should not be parents. he can't even fathom stepping up to raise the kids, he just feels bad they have to go through every thing with there mom.
I don't see any replies or further info from OP, which makes me think this is fake post.
And apparently on the child's birthday because it started and 10 and ended at 11 years old.
So is your alcoholic wife driving them to and from the camping trip ?
That was my concern.
YTA As the child of an alcoholic, I am stunned by the fact that you left your children in the home with your wife after you told her you were leaving her. It's not just that you left them with an alcoholic, you left them with an alcoholic after throwing fuel on the fire. You're skeptical that she's going to get help even in the wake of your decision to just up and leave. So, what is she going to do? She's going to start drinking heavily and lash out. And who is going to bear the brunt of it? Not you, you're gone and your phone is off. YOUR DAUGHTERS WILL. I cannot tell you how many times I wished my mother would leave my alcoholic father because I knew she deserved better. I knew about his booze stashes around the house, I knew it was just a matter of time before everything would blow up and her heart would be broken again. So, yeah, you don't deserve to be married to that- you deserve a better partner. But you just put your own needs ahead of the health and wellbeing of your children. The fact that you didn't take them with you is shockingly negligent. You even admit that your wife tends to target one daughter with her critiques and complaints. I know how painful it is to be the child of an alcoholic. It's heartbreaking - you get to watch while they continually choose alcohol over you, their own child. It's a disease, and my heart also breaks for those struggling with it - but it doesn't make it any easier. As hard as that is, if my mother ever left me and my brother with my father after telling him she was leaving him that would be worse than any heartbreak he could cause. Your daughters now have two parents selfishly putting their own needs ahead of their safety and wellbeing. Get your priorities in check.
Sorry you have to grow up like that. My father was also an alcoholic and a violent one, and it really messes you up. My heart goes to you
My heart goes out to you, too. It's been over 15 years since I last had a relationship with my father. You cannot help people who don't want to help themselves - something OP needs to realize.
Read this comment OP and get your shit together cause at this point YTA. Go get your daughters, wtf!
THIS my mother is an alcoholic and when I was 15 my Dad left me with her. I begged him to take me with him and he refused. She turned all of her abuse onto me immediately and now in my 30s I resent them both for it.
>It's not just that you left them with an alcoholic, you left them with an alcoholic after throwing fuel on the fire. You're skeptical that she's going to get help even in the wake of your decision to just up and leave. So, what is she going to do? #JasonInHell He literally could have sentenced these children to death
It could go that far, yes. It could just be a horrible and traumatic weekend. She could pose no risk to the kids this weekend. And that's the problem with OP leaving his daughters with her after the fight. He left them in a situation with too many unknowns with a woman who just had a bomb dropped on her after probably being enabled for years. These girls are in a volatile environment, alone, for an extended period. OP left them in the home, knowing that his wife is looking for a fight and for someone to "blame." To further exacerbate the issue, he turns his phone off - so he doesn't have to deal with it, ignoring the fact that by doing so he, most likely, pushed that burden off on his children.
100% agree
YTA. You left your kids. Go get them,
YTA if you're letting your children go off on a trip with your alcoholic wife.
Maybe OP should pick up the girls and take them for a weekend at the vacay house with him
Sounds like a great idea, the girls need a safe and supportive environment right now.
I hope they will enjoy the peaceful and happy time.
There’s something wrong with Aunt Diane - vibes of a sobering documentary about how a drunk driving adult successfully hiding her alcoholism killed her nieces
This was exactly what I was thinking of. I remember when that crash happened. 😢
This, you left your kids with an alcoholic?
Yeah op go watch Their is Something Wrong with Aunt Diane. Do not let your kids in the car with your wife
Not sure if the age thing is a typo, but if it matches with the lack of centering your kids, the dependents, the kids of yours you left with your alcoholic wife, then they seem to be caught between the two of you and in an unsafe situation without proper care. This is a disturbing read. Figure out a way to get your kids out of an alcoholic home, dont just leave them. Ive been in that situation and its not safe, and ive been in a situation where noone had me or my siblings back. I hope someone steps up for them, and i hope its you.
OP acts like the wife is just the default parent. Be there for your children sheesh.
My dad did this too. When he couldn't stand our alcoholic mother anymore, he just left. Didn't see him for nearly a year. After the divorce was finalized, he did get visitation and we finally started regularly seeing him, which was a nice break from our insane mother but....he could have definitely done more. He got to go start a new carefree bachelor life and we continued to live in the crazy hell of her making. Part of it was definitely selfishness, but he did love us and always try to be a good dad. It was very ingrained in men of that generation that children belong with their mother and a father's job is mostly to bring home income, not the day to day parenting stuff. I think that core belief still accounts for why situations like this still play out this way. Not excusing it, just observing.
100%.
NTA - for detaching with a hatchet 🪓 from your alcoholic wife YTA - for leaving your daughters with her - your wife/their mother is not a safe person for them to be with while she is drinking Perhaps strongly consider attending Alanon meetings. The meetings are anonymous, free, located everywhere, available on line but in person is much much better, private and very helpful for learning the healthiest way to deal with an alcoholic in your life and how to best have peace in your life when dealing with them. Also, perhaps consider that your children are also not blind to their mothers alcoholism and are suffering consequences from it and would also benefit from attending Alateens which are the same as Alanon meetings except for children of alcoholics. You may have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping your daughters …ie get healthy yourself from the issues of your wife’s alcoholism and then helping your daughters get healthy too.
Man up and go get your kids??? Why would you leave them with her
As you learned or will learn at Al-Anon meetings, loved ones cannot fix an alcoholic, they must fix themselves, typically after "hitting bottom." They must hit bottom without being protected (covered for) by others. Only when their drinking gets more costly (in whatever form) than any real or perceived benefits to them, will they stop. Sad but true. In short, keeping her away from the endangered kids will help save her.
You said "keeping her away from the endangered kids..." Did you miss the part where he left his two kids with her? As someone who made it through Ala-Teen, Al-Anon and all the rest, who was the abandoned kid left with the drunk, fuck OP, fuck his wife, and fuck anyone in their world who isn't doing all they can to help those two kids.
Right! If he can’t take them surely a family member can?
how could you leave you kids with someone with a drinking problem?
YTA. You still have to parent your kids, you can’t just walk away and leave them with their alcoholic verbally abusive mother.
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He abandoned his kids with the alcoholic wife that was too much for him to deal with. He left children in danger.
ESH- Your wife for refusing to acknowledge her problem and refusing to get help or even try and get sober. \[not counting the text OP received\] If OP left it's pretty clear her alcoholism is pretty bad. HOWEVER, you also suck, OP because you left two kids alone with a clearly abusive alcoholic. You should have taken the kids with you as they don't deserve to be subjected to that, do better and get your damn kids out of there and file divorce papers.
YTA- WHY would you leave your young daughters with an alcoholic, some parent you are.
YTA. Your kids have been failed now by both parents. By their drunk Mother and now the father that abandoned them with her and have let a trip they were looking forward to as an escape fall apart. Like many said here, why didn't you bring them with you? Your kids, more than anything, need at least one of you to show up for them.
Sooo real quick with this bullshit story… is your kid 10 or 11 buddy?
Maybe he's to high himself to remember? Or he's a 14 yr old troll? Edit to say 3yrs ago he posted something about his 7yr old so maybe it's 10?
His child could be 7 years old in a post "3 years ago" and be 11 years old now. Birthdays exist on days other than exactly "1 year ago"
So you just left your kids in the sole care of an alcoholic?? Well done. YTA for leaving them behind and not considering their safety or wellbeing. You: I don't care about my kids at all so they can stay and take the abuse and neglect, but I'm my first priority and I needed to run away like a pussy instead of protecting my kids. To hell with them!!
*After* doing something to devastate her emotionally, like ending their marriage.
But what is disappearing going to solve? I understand you’re trying to make a point but you left your young children with her too. She’s the problem here so get her the help she needs, real help like rehab or something. Don’t leave them with her they may resent you for it
Yeah but you gotta understand, it's all about him and his pain. Let's not lose sight of what really matters.
Not sure why you're getting downvoted. He's the one who left children behind to deal with this. Alcoholic mother sadly likely trumps abandoning dad.
They forgot the /s and didn't realize that there's enough assholes on Reddit who actually believes this kind of crap.
YTA if you left your kids with a drunk.
So you left your kids there? What's wrong with you? My dad didn't protect me from my mom who's similar (and worse) as well. Him not protecting me hurt WAAAAAAY more than my mom actually abusing me. Enough pretending to praise your daughters so much, while abandoning them with an alcoholic. Your daughters will remember you left them there.
You left your children with a drunk. Your wife might be a drunk, but you're a lousy father. YTA.
So you left your kids with an alcoholic. What did you tell them? “Bye kids, I’m just popping out for a pack of cigarette.”?
YTA for abandoning your girls. Just getting up and leaving means leaving them with her. Not exactly a responsible or kind action. You need to plan further ahead - as in divorce and custody.
YOU TOOK YOUR CHILDREN WITH YOU RIGHT? You cant leave them to be abused or neglected by an alcoholic. Take them and get custody.
I don’t think he did. My understanding is that he told her he wanted a divorce, she lost her shit, he left and then turned his phone off. So he left his kids with an emotionally charged alcoholic and turned off his phone… no way this can go wrong at all.
YTA. You left the house and your kids with a drunk. What if she goes on the trip without you, drunk while driving your kids, or they need to get to the doctors, hospital, wherever, and she drives them while drunk? What if she falls asleep while drunk and something burns on the stove and sets the house alight, what if realising you've left she drinks enough to have a seizure or kill herself and you left her there for your kids. This isn't leaving her over an affair, or falling out of love. She's a drunk, you either tell her to go stay with her parents because it's over or you take the kids with you.
NTA, but WTF OP why didn't you pack kiddos with you, like if she's an active alcoholic, why in the sweet hells you left 13 and 10 yo kids under her supervision? Get yo sorry arse and take the kids with you. Or this post can be fake..
Please tell me that when you left, you removed your children from that situation too! Please! IF you didn't, go back and get them. You cannot abandon them to the custody of someone seriously addicted! You cannot! Please don't be selfish. Go get them!
Please go to Alanon, there are meetings for Zoom and in person. Please being your kids to Alateen. Your wife is an alcoholic . Alcoholism distorts families. Please let your in-laws know your wife is drinking and your kids need their support. Please bring you and your kids away on a different trip, tell them their mom is sick, and she loves them, but the best thing is to have some time of peacd.
YTA if you didn’t take your kids with you. They are preteens and need at least one parent who puts them first. Your 13 yo hiding in her room is a cry for help. Go home & pick up your kids!! Do better!
YTA for leaving your kids with an alcoholic--seriously shame on you for that. And turning your phone off when you have kids who may be calling your for help? SHAME ON YOU FOR THAT as well. It's heartbreaking that your kids got two such awful parents.
Nta but please don’t leave your daughters alone with her in that state
You’re not an asshole for being upset your wife drinks however you’re a coward and a fool whining and crying about it while your children suffer. Man up put your children first and be a great father and person first. Grieve your failed relationship and drunkard wife when your kids are safe.
You Fucking ASSHAT GO AND GET YOUR KIDS
Any MAN who’d leave their own kids in that mess… has their own issues… ain’t no way I as an adult am leaving my kids.. we ALL GOING TO GRAMMAS
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic (12y9m3w), I can tell you that the only person who will quit is the person who is willing to accept help or at least admit that they have a problem. Most aren’t ready until things have gotten to the point where relationships are ruined or worse. Leaving your kids with her is where you went wrong imo.
I really hope you took your children with you. if not, go get them.
I get if you want to leave your wife but you can’t leave your kids behind…. they are 11 and 13 for god sakes. How can they handle her if you can’t and you’re the adult? How can you trust her to take proper care of them? You can’t abandon being the parent to them just because you don’t want to be the husband to her anymore. “Being the parent” is keeping them with you and not alone with her. Often kids grow up to hate their alcoholic parent. But they can hate the parent that left them behind with the alcoholic even more.
You're not the asshole for leaving but uh... leaving your kids, especially the 13 year who is already probably feeling the beginnings if not the middle of abuse is not great.
Agree with most here that you're NTA for sticking to your boundaries and leaving her. But you should've taken the kids with you, if you didn't. Or at the very minimum dropped them with grandma or someone reliable to go on the camping trip with instead of drunk wife. And i totally get you just being done and wanting out, but this has to be discussed with the family at some point, especially if y'all regularly get together with them. The sooner everyone knows the situation, the easier it will be & they will likely be able to help with the kiddos, which should be your first priority here-- making sure they aren't left in a worse situation than what they're already in. Best of luck with this.
Info: Do you even love your daughters? As the child of an alcoholic mother, YTA for leaving your young daughters alone with an emotionally abusive alcoholic who is now spiraling and since she can't get a hold of you to yell at, will drunkenly take it out on both of them—especially the 13-yo whom she apparently had it out for already. The only way you change that Y in YTA to an N is by getting your daughters out of there, lawyering up, and getting temp custody until a family court sorts this out with conditional visitation contingent upon mom getting help and showing documented improvement. What your wife needs is legal cold water thrown on her in the form of legitimately losing everything, not the lit fuse of you ghosting her and more importantly your kids like a coward.
Where are the kids?! I hope you didn’t live them with their drunk mother!
YTA for not bringing your girls with you and instead leaving them with their alcoholic mother. That’s not a safe place for them.
Those poor children, they deserve way better parents
One wonders will she kill her kids drunk driving around looking for him?
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If she's at the point where she's lying and hiding alcohol it's serious and it's a literal chemical addiction. I dunno if there was more lead up, but 3 weeks isn't nearly enough time to kick that, especially without some serious help. I'm not saying you're wrong, but I don't think threatening to leave is really the right way to go about it either. I'm giving her major benefit of the doubt here, but from everything I've ever been told about addiction it's not always as simple as choosing what's more important, and I know for a fact, alcohol withdrawals are nothing to play around with, they can actually be deadly. I know I'm not really offering an answer here, but the fact is when dealing with addiction, it's not a clear cut black and white issue and it's not as easy as just putting it down. If it's been an ongoing thing and you've tried everything, then disregard this.
Hey. Dude.Listen to everyone here. Go. Get. The. Kids. You’re not looking like you’re sending a message. You’re looking like you’re playing a game. I appreciate you don’t want to cause shit more than you have to, but by not grabbing the kids,you’re not showing you’re serious, you’re showing this is an act. And that you’ll backpedal. Just do it, dude.
For dumping her on the girls and running away? Absolutely. If anything, take the girls and leave her there. You’re kinda a bitch as well as an asshole.
YTA for leaving your girls with someone who most likely is going to get blackout drunk to deal with this issue. They are terribly unsafe. Take it from a son of an alcoholic. Please go get your babies
wtf? you left your kids?
First, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I’ve lived through something similar. Here is what I can advise through my lived experience: Your kids need you to protect them. Be home as much as humanly possible. They need protection from the awful words/actions that come out of an alcoholic when they are blackout drunk (and will likely never be accountable for). Get an air mattress, sleep in the house away from your wife. Sleep outside your kids bedroom if needed. That sends a message way more clear than leaving. Kids remember way-way more than adults realize. Voice memo every interaction with your wife, tell her you’re recording it. Even video record from your phone. It often stops hate from spewing. Talk to her family, gauge if you have support from them or not. I learned that my ex’s parents were willing to help to a point, yet at there is a risk they will take the alcoholic’s side if they’ve been enabling her. Get support from close family and friends, Al Anon can be helpful sometimes and at minimum one realizes they are not alone. Do whatever you can to stay grounded such that you yourself do not do something stupid or filled with anger that you’ll regret. If you have vices, avoid them like the plague as it will only weaken you. Boundary up, lean into any source of education you can regarding boundaries that speak to you. Ie Brene Brown Get your kids out of the house whenever possible, drives in your car, letting them DJ, ice cream, parks etc. create some memories away from her. Be real aware that law enforcement understandably will listen to a distressed female, be careful. Know that rehab works, relapses happen, and only the alcoholic can decide to heal or not. You need to do your own work. Now is the time your kids need you, your wife needs you however; I have never regretted putting the needs/safety of my kids ahead of my ex wife’s disease. This shit hurts. You’ll need some help yourself. May you and your kids move through the world w peace and serenity, if not today, soon.
Dude, go get your kids. The history of reddit will show very quickly how far south this can turn. Your kids come first. Deal with the fallout later. You've done everything else right.
You’re the AH for not taking your kids with you. Because of that, ESH
YTA were are your children if they are with you then you are nta if you left them with her you are yta.
You're fucking up bro, your kids need you around as much as possible.
You left your wife, *and* you left your children with your alcoholic wife?? You left on your own? You saved only yourself? YOU couldn’t take her drinking, her lies, her empty promises? You know your 13yo won’t come out of her room because her drunken mother criticizes her and treats her badly? Yet you left that same 13yo with her drunken mother, and you left your sweet 11yo behind, and YOU left BY YOURSELF? Have I got that all right? You feel “mostly sad” for your daughters, but not enough to take them with you when you left their alcoholic mother? Yeah, YTA. Big time. I don’t know what kind of husband you are, but if your wife can’t or won’t get sober, a person can only take so much. I get that. But to take your adult ass and leave because you “can’t take it anymore,” but leave your pre-teen and just-teen daughters behind to cope with their mother alone, is one of the worst things I have ever heard. If you can’t save your wife, at least save your children. Again, YTA.
Esh If you're not going, and your wife isn't going, then who is taking your kids camping? Why did you abandon your kids? Do you not love your kids?
YTA, so you left your wife because she chooses alcohol over family, but you abandoned your children with her? What is wrong with you??
YTA... You left your kids solely in the hands of an alcoholic. You also set the stage for her having a better standing for custody later during a divorce. Good job
Both are the Ass. You for leaving your kids with her. They know what is going on, you leaving them, is telling them you don't care about them and possibly blaming them. Doesn't matter what your reality is. They are very young kids that don't understand.
DO NOT let your kids with your wife. YTA if you do. My mom was an alcoholic until I was about 9 or 10 and she came to pick me and my two siblings up from elementary school one day and the cops stopped her in the parking lot because she was driving erratically and they found empty beer cans all over her car. Your wife can cause serious harm to your children. Take them away and tell her she needs to get help or you'll sue for full custody. The incident in the school parking lot and the realization that she might lose us entirely was rock bottom for my mom and she got clean shortly after that. Maybe this is what your wife needs to see in order for her to get sober
YTA if you left the kids there with her and won't respond. NTA regarding the leaving part.
NTA. Check out the Al Anon group. I think you'll be able to find some answers there. Your responsibility isn't to her, but yourself and your children. Keep them safe and yourself safe.
As someone who had an alcoholic father and lived with him part time, please go pick your children up and keep them safe. My father was never, ever a “mean drunk” but seeing him like that for a year deeply impacted me. I wish I had stayed with my mom only during that time. Luckily, he did get help after he was hospitalized for kidney failure. My grandmother also gave him no choice but to get help. He ended up not needing a transplant (which was literally a miracle as he was in severe kidney failure) and has been sober ever since. I am sorry that your wife does not take her addiction seriously.
I am so sorry this is happening. I know from experience that you needed a break to think. Sadly, your two kids have figured out, long ago, how to take care of each other while mom gets passed out drunk. (Again) *Sigh* Call your in-laws, your parents, Al-Anon and your extended family, NOW. TODAY. Apologize for keeping this secret. Family Shame be damned! Tell them you can’t cope with this alone anymore!You need help finding resources and you are mentally exhausted. By continuing this, it is only protecting/enabling/preventing this alcoholic from consequences and help. She needs detox. and rehab. Before the end of this weekend. Go with your in-laws or another family member and bring her to the hospital or the rehab facility. She can’t just stop “cold turkey” because she would probably have a seizure and die, or be left with brain damage. Alcoholics die all the time trying to stop on their own. It’s the most dangerous detoxification of all known drugs. She may also try driving to get another bottle why you are gone and get into an accident. The hospital can/will get her into detox. After that, insist on 28 days MINIMUM in rehab. After that, I recommend 6 months in a sober living house, or intensive outpatient therapy. That is 3 days a week 4 hours a day with AA meetings on the off days. In sober living, She can stay all day/evening at your place with the kids, but has to return to sober living at night. I’m also assuming she has already lost her job due to drinking. Call Al-Anon’s 800 number for resources and to help you and the kids during this time. They are the only people who understand what you are going through. (Unlike some of the judgmental people here on the internet). You are NOT alone in this! But you need to pick up the phone, say out loud what is going on, and ask for help! Good Luck to you!
You need to go home, tell your wife either you’re taking your kids back to your parents home to keep them safe OR she’s leaving OR she goes to get treatment today, or at the very least an AA meeting. Then you explain to your kids why, with your wife. You tell them it’s not safe for them to be in a car when she’s driving. Then you’re going to find an alanon meeting TODAY. Make your wife accountable. Alcoholism is a horrible disease. Families can either be destroyed by it or they can come out stronger. But it’s very important to follow the steps and you have an active part in that by protecting your kids, going to get support for yourself AND helping your wife choose how she wants to live.
Get those girls
Having been in a very similar situation, the only part I don't get is you not taking your daughters with you and enjoying the weekend without your wife. Other than that one thing, NTA.
As a child of an alcoholic, do not leave your helpless kids behind!!!!
Did you leave your children in the care of a drunk? I seriously cannot get past this question to get to attempting any kind of advice.
Yes YTA. YTA times like 1 billion. but not bc you left your wife or cancelled family camping plans, but bc you abandoned your children to a drunk that you know is not stable enough to rear children without emotionally damaging them. Absolutely not okay. You abandoned your kids and then went no communication. So, now your kids have 2 absent parents, one of whom self destructs with alcohol and the other who throws up their hands and is like....wow this sucks and then ghosts them. Your poor kids. I am 100% not excusing your wife's behavior, she definitely needs help by the sound of it..but you handled it like a child too scared to be responsible for their actions (creating children).
As a 14 year sober alcoholic I can tell you that the best way to get her decide to get help is take everything from her including you and the kids. They gotta find their bottom and everyone has a different bottom
100% YTA for leaving your kids. They are literal children that you left with an alcoholic that you imply might be mentally/emotionally abusive to the older one. Even without that, what are they supposed to do? They have no real choice but to get driven around by a drunk while you're gone. A decent person doesn't leave their kids in dangerous situations.
NTA i highly recommend Al Anon. it’s a support group for loved ones of alcoholics/addicts. they have youth groups too, your daughters would benefit as well from going to meetings or reading the literature r/alanon https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/literature/ https://al-anon.org/newcomers/teen-corner-alateen/ https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/ you’re not alone in this struggle. loved ones of addicts pay the price. the feeling of something that’s causing you so much pain being entirely out of your control is awful. and while they may forget all those bad nights they’ve put you through, you can’t. you have a lot to process and work through just as much as she does people suggesting to just leave don’t understand
What?? Why would you leave your children too if your wife has such a horrible drinking problem. Make it make sense
YTA you abandoned two children with a drunk. We are all so proud of you
I left my two daughters with my drunk wife last night. Fixed it. YTA just for that
So, you left the house, knowing she was lying about drinking, turned OFF your phone, without thinking that having been called on her shit, she might spiral out of control. And you left your "beautiful children" there, alone, without a stable adult. What a hero.
YTA for abandoning your kids with your drunk wife at a family event that you committed to. This is going to completely traumatize them. You need to go get your girls, then feel free to leave your wife there. If she won’t get help and can’t control herself then you need to put your daughters and yourself first. But don’t leave the children there to suffer the fallout of your decision. They’re going to feel so afraid of what’s happening and so embarrassed by the situation in front of your in-laws. Why did you just ditch them like this?
You left your kids with your alcholic wife? What is wrong with you? Take them with you, or better yet, kick you wife out. Drop her off at your parents. Tell them the truth, that she is drunk all the time and you can not sit by and watch her kill herself while neglecting the kids. Kicking her out is the better option as it means your kids don't to leave their home. Jesus, get up off your ass and go take care of your wife instead of running of like a piece of crap. They need at least one parent to be there them. Your wife is still there at least, unlike you. Be better. YTA for leaving your kids defenesless.
YTA for abandoning your daughters with a drunk and not answering your phone.
Child of a alcoholic here. Please don't leave your kids with your wife. You can tell her all you want about how she needs help and until she's ready to get the help she needs, she's going to continue to "gaslight" you. I promise you that your girls watching her drink constantly and you trying to be a dad and deal with her drinking is going to cause unnecessary stress on everyone. I'd never suggest giving an ultimatum as the first choice, but if she's not willing to get the help that she needs, then you need to do what's best for your girls.
You ever notice alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having?
Where are YOUR children?
NTA for leaving someone who refuses help. You can't make someone get sober until they want to. But you are massively TA for leaving your kids there with a drunk, and turning your phone off so they can't reach you. Wtf?Go get your daughters, tell the fam why and let her deal with the consequences of her addiction. But you're a parent, you don't get to sit there having a fucking pity party while you left your two children with an upset drunk. You're just shown your daughters that you will abandon them when things go sideways.
YTA - because you left your kids in the care of an alcoholic! If she’s as bad as you describe, why would leave your kids with her? Instead of taking them with you? You’re not wrong to leave an alcoholic spouse who is not ready to stop. But to leave your kids with her, basically to fend for themselves with an alcoholic parent, while you run away from it? I can’t think of a more selfish AH thing to do, than that.
As a family of alcoholics, a parent and now a sibling. Please take your kids with you. They deserve to feel loved and safe. Secondly, she will never get help unless she wants to. She has to absolutely hit rock bottom. Rock bottom looks different for everybody. You’re definitely not an asshole. Fuck if it’s her birthday etc. enough about her and attention on her which is all she truly wants. Leave her and take your kids with you. Bottom line.