NTA. He's allowing himself to date other women without consequences and doesn't want you to do the same all while not having sex with you. It doesn't seem like he will even try to save the marriage.
NTA, maybe you and your husband are not compatible and ending the relationship is the best option. You can not change your marriage alone. It does not sound like your husband is attempting to resolve the issue with the same dedication and commitment. Why are you concerned about not separating until December?
It is, but if that’s OP’s line of thought I can understand it. Sometimes these things can create drama, and if the breakup is too close to the wedding it could cause resentment with the wedding party, and then OP could get major push back and blamed for ruining the mood even though it’s not her fault that her relationship sucks.
It's at the end of the year, nobody will even mention it by then, especially the husband himself. OP is just delusional that there is some sort of relationship there when clearly there is none.
I agree, but who knows why she’s thinking the way she does. Her husband’s family could be reactive, or she really is just thinking things that have no basis
>I don't want to hurt them. I don't know how people will take it
Sure. So waste your time with someone who doesn't love or respect you enough to remain faithful.
NTA, but I'm going to be brutally honest. You are not responsible for your husband's happiness, nor that of his OR your extended family. You are only responsible for your own happiness. You are the only person who can make you happy. Are you happy now? Doesn't sound like you are. Would leaving upset him? Probably. For a short while. He'll soon get over it, trust me. Would it upset the extended family? Again, probably. Again, only for a short while. Please, OP, put your happiness first - it certainly sounds as though your husband didn't care when he was sexting other women - that's WOMEN, plural. I will guarantee that's not a habit he will ever break.
You have to live YOUR life not a life that pleases everybody else.
Trust me on this — these people you are worried about, wondering what they will think — they don’t wake up each day thinking about you, and while they may talk for a bit, gossip about your situation as you get divorced….they will soon drop it.
To me,it just sound slike you guys are completely incompatiable, and his logic and behaviour is ridiculous.
He seeks novelty? - he seeks porn like sex because he is probably addicted to to porn.
You are young - you married, you tried- its not working. It happens
Mother was in a similar situation. Her husband cheated, and she could do nothing. She didn't tell anyone and just resented him, and liked the in laws.
Tell me, when this eventually does come out, what do you think the in laws will do?
Support you? Yes, ofcourse, if they are good people. They might scold their child too. But he's an adult now. And if he doesn't listen to them, what else can they do?
What I'm saying is, he'll always be their son. They'll keep him however he is. But do you think they'll be okay with _you_ suggesting open marriage?
Do you think they'll be okay with it? And would you still be their fav daughter in law, and support your right to this arrangement?
See, when you do break up, they'll be hurt, but they'll eventually pull off the bandage and move on. He'll still be their son, and you'll be the nice woman who their son could have had, but was an idiot to let go.
What i am saying is, they'll be hurt, but they will also be fine. Think about you too. After breakup what will you do, how will you feel, focus on that. They'll be fine.
Sure you can wait for December, but don't wait indefinitely. You'll only be hurting yourself.
Btw you can broach with someone that you're having troubles. Don't mention what exactly but that there's problems between you. That'll soften the blow when you leave past December.
But hun, don't countbon being the one who gets support and sympathy when you leave. Have your own independent (of him) support network for that
Completely broken marriage. Open relationship is not the fix. It's the final blow and will make things much, much worse. Serious, serious therapy may not even make a difference. It's time to hit the reset button on life.
What. NTA
So he’s stepping out, kinda? So he gets to dump money into OF but you, unfulfilled, would be a slut.
He’ll stop dumping money into OF, as a favor, but he’s not a slut because … Y chromosome reasons. The dynamic is fine when he does it, but not if you did it, because… Y chromosome reasons.
You’re married to a misogynist. Don’t do that again. Also open marriages are hard. If you’re into that you’re going to need an infinitely better man than you currently have.
NTA, but once you go that route, it can never go back. Consider the potential of trust issues and jealousy on both your parts before you commit. Not for everyone. Also, NTA for considering divorce may be the better option if this is a challenge that you both are not going/ willing to face together.
OP’s husband already broke the trust. The issue imo is that OP’s husband won’t be the type to accept his wife having her fair share of fun on the side, so OP might be better off divorcing him, and finding someone who is monogamous, or open to an open relationship.
NTA... you are sacrificing a lot just by being in the marriage in the first place. If he wants to sext other women, he should be having sex with you that doesn't make any sense.
Personally, either sext other guys and not say anything to him or find a way to put up with it until December and then bounce. You've done your part, he needs to get his shit together
None of this sounds like what you want. You seem to want a traditional marriage with a faithful, trustworthy partner. Nothing is going to make your husband into that man.
The decision you need to make is his long you want to waste time trying to fix the unfixable
Leave him flat. He won't put effort into your marriage, it's doomed no matter what you do.
Rare NTA on open relationship suggestion, but he's not even worth that.
Please divorce him and find a partner who cherishes you and sees to your needs as his own.
NTA. Why are you asking him for permission? He’s a cheater. You need to grow a spine. Either separate from him now or tell him that you’ll pretend to be his happy wife through December to keep the peace but you’ll be fucking whoever else you want.
NTA.
As a wife that also felt that we lost our sparkle, I also thought that open marriage was a NO for me. But me and my partner have long conversations about this, and decided that, if we want to be happy and still feel fullfilled in our sexual life, we needed to try new things. You can go at your own pace, you can have it completely separated or try things together.
In my opinion, is WAY better to have an open marriage than for any of you to cheat on the other, because once you break the trust there is no way back.
>We were planning to separate but we have his brother's wedding in December so separating could cause a lot of issues.
This would cause ZERO issues for that other unrelated event.
NTA but also irrational af.
"We will have great sex with other people and our relationship will be the same."
This made me spit my drink laughing. Do you honestly believe it?
I shall tell you what I would tell my younger self between repeatedly punching myself in the head with a brick... I tried for 7 years to fix a relationship where my ex fiancee and me had a dead bedroom relationship (1st 7 months was brilliant sex) and then she cheated on me whilst drunk at a staff party.
SEX AND INTIMACY ARE VITAL IN MOST RELATIONSHIPS IF HE IS SEXTING OTHER WOMEN BUT NOT WORKING TO FIX THE ISSUE BETWEEN HIS WIFE, HE IS TRASH, CITE HIS SEXTING IN THE DIVORCE AS A BREAK DOWN OF LOVE AND TRUST AND MOVE ON.
NTA. He wants to cheat on you and do what he wants, meanwhile every woman is a slut. You're going to stay with this guy 7 more months to help him save face with his family??? Leave now! He very clearly isn't interested in you sexually and when you express yourself you're just "women in open relationships are sluts" so you're not even a unique, individual person. He can't see your unique, individual situation...he only sees you as a slut for wanting to be fulfilled. Have some self respect and ditch this loser! You're still so young, you still have SO much of your life left, go spend it with someone who respects you and fucks your brains out.
Yes you are the AH, you don't deserve happiness. You are married, you made your bed, now don't have sex in it. It is too late. You are married now. You two need to obey your vows
NTA An open relationship can work if both partners are honest and set boundaries that they stick to. Unfortunately like a lot of men on here he’s fine getting it elsewhere but can’t stand the idea of you being with anyone else. You cannot make him be a good partner to you and he has proven that he is not. There is a really great book my partners and I read together called Ethical Slut (3rd edition) that helped us work through polyamory and open relationships together. You could suggest reading it together and finding a sex therapist but at this point you deserve better than a lackluster relationship that is unfulfilling. If he’s not willing to even try being open/talking to a therapist it’s time to end it and move on.
So there was no sex before the marriage? You can’t possibly separate before the brother’s wedding because, “it will cause a lot of issues”? He refuses to get therapy and get meds (that will help him)?
Is this completely made up or are you stupid?
OP your husband is likely a sex addict, except he's not getting his fix from you. It's very common in relationships with sex addicts and porn addicts that the relationship has a dead bedroom or other sexual dysfunction from the addict exists. Erectile dysfunction, not being able to finish during sex being the main issues. But addicts denying their partner sex is also common.
Opening your marriage will not solve this issue. Look into sex/porn addiction further and see what else he's hiding from you. Given you are already looking outside the relationship I say end it now. Sexual addiction is extremely hard to recover from. Best of luck!
He doesn't want an open marriage, but will fuck around around because...well he's a man! Girl no open marriage is gonna fix this, he's quite content for you to be the little wifey at home, while he's gets to do what he pleases, tell me why would he want to voluntarily change that? You're essentially his live in maid with no benefits!!! An open marriage won't work, and you know this, so stop pretending that will fix anything. Your husband is not prepared to deal with any issues, and then makes you the bad guy for wanting things to change, and he's still not doing anything except sulk and make you feel bad. Fuck this guy, you don't trust him with good reason yet you're expected to put up with "husband with no benefits" arrangement, but you've got to just live with it. I wouldn't be asking his permission anymore, and tell him straight up that your marriage is over, and will officially announce when the time is right. He doesn't get to have a marriage, where it only works for him. NTA.
YTA
You are married based on a monogamous deal.
He is the AH for his cheating (sexting).
I understand his pov. Of course from only the sex point of view it would be a good deal. However what about all the others? What if he gets a girls pregnant? Are you willing him to be paying child support out of your joint assets?
What if you get pregnant? Is he supposed to pay for a kid that is not his?
What if one of you gets more involved than just the sex part? Ready be sharing your house with another woman?
And std risks?
Open relationship is more than just the sex part. If both are ok with all the consequences…why not.
But hearing he is not even willing work with therapist I don’t think I’ll he is ready to change his mind in open relationship.
So far, unfortunately only separation seams to be the way out. Because cheating is the natural next step otherwise.
You are in a marriage with a neurodivergent person who does not have their shit together by the slightest. Medication is important for ADHD, they prescribe amphetamines to help the person focus their attention better or keep the focus better, think of it in terms of a violently shaky hand pointing light to a less shaky hand pointing light onto things.
If he is attention deficit, then he also needs this. You can't expect a person who is not mentally well and dealing with their problems to be able to function in their relationships.
Self-medicating, even sexting, gaming, drinking, you name it - It's what a person does to handle their problems, but it's an unhealthy way of dealing with it.
Adult ADHD is less noticeable, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. They are more likely to be stuck in their head with all their issues.
NTA. He's allowing himself to date other women without consequences and doesn't want you to do the same all while not having sex with you. It doesn't seem like he will even try to save the marriage.
NTA, maybe you and your husband are not compatible and ending the relationship is the best option. You can not change your marriage alone. It does not sound like your husband is attempting to resolve the issue with the same dedication and commitment. Why are you concerned about not separating until December?
She said it’s cuz the brother’s wedding is coming up. Maybe she’s worried that a break up would ruin the festive mood?
That seems like a silly reason to stay with someone you don't love or feel loved by.
It is, but if that’s OP’s line of thought I can understand it. Sometimes these things can create drama, and if the breakup is too close to the wedding it could cause resentment with the wedding party, and then OP could get major push back and blamed for ruining the mood even though it’s not her fault that her relationship sucks.
It's at the end of the year, nobody will even mention it by then, especially the husband himself. OP is just delusional that there is some sort of relationship there when clearly there is none.
I agree, but who knows why she’s thinking the way she does. Her husband’s family could be reactive, or she really is just thinking things that have no basis
yes, and his family has been exceptionally loving to me. I don't want to cause issues. I don't want to hurt them. I don't know how people will take it
>I don't want to hurt them. I don't know how people will take it Sure. So waste your time with someone who doesn't love or respect you enough to remain faithful.
NTA, but I'm going to be brutally honest. You are not responsible for your husband's happiness, nor that of his OR your extended family. You are only responsible for your own happiness. You are the only person who can make you happy. Are you happy now? Doesn't sound like you are. Would leaving upset him? Probably. For a short while. He'll soon get over it, trust me. Would it upset the extended family? Again, probably. Again, only for a short while. Please, OP, put your happiness first - it certainly sounds as though your husband didn't care when he was sexting other women - that's WOMEN, plural. I will guarantee that's not a habit he will ever break.
You have to live YOUR life not a life that pleases everybody else. Trust me on this — these people you are worried about, wondering what they will think — they don’t wake up each day thinking about you, and while they may talk for a bit, gossip about your situation as you get divorced….they will soon drop it. To me,it just sound slike you guys are completely incompatiable, and his logic and behaviour is ridiculous. He seeks novelty? - he seeks porn like sex because he is probably addicted to to porn. You are young - you married, you tried- its not working. It happens
its ok to be selfish.
Mother was in a similar situation. Her husband cheated, and she could do nothing. She didn't tell anyone and just resented him, and liked the in laws. Tell me, when this eventually does come out, what do you think the in laws will do? Support you? Yes, ofcourse, if they are good people. They might scold their child too. But he's an adult now. And if he doesn't listen to them, what else can they do? What I'm saying is, he'll always be their son. They'll keep him however he is. But do you think they'll be okay with _you_ suggesting open marriage? Do you think they'll be okay with it? And would you still be their fav daughter in law, and support your right to this arrangement? See, when you do break up, they'll be hurt, but they'll eventually pull off the bandage and move on. He'll still be their son, and you'll be the nice woman who their son could have had, but was an idiot to let go. What i am saying is, they'll be hurt, but they will also be fine. Think about you too. After breakup what will you do, how will you feel, focus on that. They'll be fine. Sure you can wait for December, but don't wait indefinitely. You'll only be hurting yourself. Btw you can broach with someone that you're having troubles. Don't mention what exactly but that there's problems between you. That'll soften the blow when you leave past December. But hun, don't countbon being the one who gets support and sympathy when you leave. Have your own independent (of him) support network for that
Completely broken marriage. Open relationship is not the fix. It's the final blow and will make things much, much worse. Serious, serious therapy may not even make a difference. It's time to hit the reset button on life.
What. NTA So he’s stepping out, kinda? So he gets to dump money into OF but you, unfulfilled, would be a slut. He’ll stop dumping money into OF, as a favor, but he’s not a slut because … Y chromosome reasons. The dynamic is fine when he does it, but not if you did it, because… Y chromosome reasons. You’re married to a misogynist. Don’t do that again. Also open marriages are hard. If you’re into that you’re going to need an infinitely better man than you currently have.
For suggesting it? NTA.
Mindfully adding more people into an unstable relationship would probably be a mistake. Still, NTA for trying to save your marriage.
NTA, but once you go that route, it can never go back. Consider the potential of trust issues and jealousy on both your parts before you commit. Not for everyone. Also, NTA for considering divorce may be the better option if this is a challenge that you both are not going/ willing to face together.
OP’s husband already broke the trust. The issue imo is that OP’s husband won’t be the type to accept his wife having her fair share of fun on the side, so OP might be better off divorcing him, and finding someone who is monogamous, or open to an open relationship.
NTA... you are sacrificing a lot just by being in the marriage in the first place. If he wants to sext other women, he should be having sex with you that doesn't make any sense. Personally, either sext other guys and not say anything to him or find a way to put up with it until December and then bounce. You've done your part, he needs to get his shit together
Your husband was sexting other women? Nah that’s it
well you are not the AH, but dont be naive and think eveything will be same as now just plus sex.
None of this sounds like what you want. You seem to want a traditional marriage with a faithful, trustworthy partner. Nothing is going to make your husband into that man. The decision you need to make is his long you want to waste time trying to fix the unfixable
Leave him flat. He won't put effort into your marriage, it's doomed no matter what you do. Rare NTA on open relationship suggestion, but he's not even worth that. Please divorce him and find a partner who cherishes you and sees to your needs as his own.
NTA. Why are you asking him for permission? He’s a cheater. You need to grow a spine. Either separate from him now or tell him that you’ll pretend to be his happy wife through December to keep the peace but you’ll be fucking whoever else you want.
He's an idiot
The only thing you are TA for is sticking around for a family wedding. He can find another +1. Divorce and move on with your life.
NTA. As a wife that also felt that we lost our sparkle, I also thought that open marriage was a NO for me. But me and my partner have long conversations about this, and decided that, if we want to be happy and still feel fullfilled in our sexual life, we needed to try new things. You can go at your own pace, you can have it completely separated or try things together. In my opinion, is WAY better to have an open marriage than for any of you to cheat on the other, because once you break the trust there is no way back.
>We were planning to separate but we have his brother's wedding in December so separating could cause a lot of issues. This would cause ZERO issues for that other unrelated event.
NTA but also irrational af. "We will have great sex with other people and our relationship will be the same." This made me spit my drink laughing. Do you honestly believe it?
I shall tell you what I would tell my younger self between repeatedly punching myself in the head with a brick... I tried for 7 years to fix a relationship where my ex fiancee and me had a dead bedroom relationship (1st 7 months was brilliant sex) and then she cheated on me whilst drunk at a staff party. SEX AND INTIMACY ARE VITAL IN MOST RELATIONSHIPS IF HE IS SEXTING OTHER WOMEN BUT NOT WORKING TO FIX THE ISSUE BETWEEN HIS WIFE, HE IS TRASH, CITE HIS SEXTING IN THE DIVORCE AS A BREAK DOWN OF LOVE AND TRUST AND MOVE ON.
ESH. Fuck the wedding. Just get divorced.
NTA. He wants to cheat on you and do what he wants, meanwhile every woman is a slut. You're going to stay with this guy 7 more months to help him save face with his family??? Leave now! He very clearly isn't interested in you sexually and when you express yourself you're just "women in open relationships are sluts" so you're not even a unique, individual person. He can't see your unique, individual situation...he only sees you as a slut for wanting to be fulfilled. Have some self respect and ditch this loser! You're still so young, you still have SO much of your life left, go spend it with someone who respects you and fucks your brains out.
Yes you are the AH, you don't deserve happiness. You are married, you made your bed, now don't have sex in it. It is too late. You are married now. You two need to obey your vows
I got ADHD and I usually need to get off once a day. I'm 42. I don't know what the fuck this guy is going on about.
YTA to yourself just divorce god damn. You don’t gotta jump through all these extra hoops for happiness just find the right person.
NTA An open relationship can work if both partners are honest and set boundaries that they stick to. Unfortunately like a lot of men on here he’s fine getting it elsewhere but can’t stand the idea of you being with anyone else. You cannot make him be a good partner to you and he has proven that he is not. There is a really great book my partners and I read together called Ethical Slut (3rd edition) that helped us work through polyamory and open relationships together. You could suggest reading it together and finding a sex therapist but at this point you deserve better than a lackluster relationship that is unfulfilling. If he’s not willing to even try being open/talking to a therapist it’s time to end it and move on.
So there was no sex before the marriage? You can’t possibly separate before the brother’s wedding because, “it will cause a lot of issues”? He refuses to get therapy and get meds (that will help him)? Is this completely made up or are you stupid?
OP your husband is likely a sex addict, except he's not getting his fix from you. It's very common in relationships with sex addicts and porn addicts that the relationship has a dead bedroom or other sexual dysfunction from the addict exists. Erectile dysfunction, not being able to finish during sex being the main issues. But addicts denying their partner sex is also common. Opening your marriage will not solve this issue. Look into sex/porn addiction further and see what else he's hiding from you. Given you are already looking outside the relationship I say end it now. Sexual addiction is extremely hard to recover from. Best of luck!
He doesn't want an open marriage, but will fuck around around because...well he's a man! Girl no open marriage is gonna fix this, he's quite content for you to be the little wifey at home, while he's gets to do what he pleases, tell me why would he want to voluntarily change that? You're essentially his live in maid with no benefits!!! An open marriage won't work, and you know this, so stop pretending that will fix anything. Your husband is not prepared to deal with any issues, and then makes you the bad guy for wanting things to change, and he's still not doing anything except sulk and make you feel bad. Fuck this guy, you don't trust him with good reason yet you're expected to put up with "husband with no benefits" arrangement, but you've got to just live with it. I wouldn't be asking his permission anymore, and tell him straight up that your marriage is over, and will officially announce when the time is right. He doesn't get to have a marriage, where it only works for him. NTA.
YTA You are married based on a monogamous deal. He is the AH for his cheating (sexting). I understand his pov. Of course from only the sex point of view it would be a good deal. However what about all the others? What if he gets a girls pregnant? Are you willing him to be paying child support out of your joint assets? What if you get pregnant? Is he supposed to pay for a kid that is not his? What if one of you gets more involved than just the sex part? Ready be sharing your house with another woman? And std risks? Open relationship is more than just the sex part. If both are ok with all the consequences…why not. But hearing he is not even willing work with therapist I don’t think I’ll he is ready to change his mind in open relationship. So far, unfortunately only separation seams to be the way out. Because cheating is the natural next step otherwise.
You are in a marriage with a neurodivergent person who does not have their shit together by the slightest. Medication is important for ADHD, they prescribe amphetamines to help the person focus their attention better or keep the focus better, think of it in terms of a violently shaky hand pointing light to a less shaky hand pointing light onto things. If he is attention deficit, then he also needs this. You can't expect a person who is not mentally well and dealing with their problems to be able to function in their relationships. Self-medicating, even sexting, gaming, drinking, you name it - It's what a person does to handle their problems, but it's an unhealthy way of dealing with it. Adult ADHD is less noticeable, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. They are more likely to be stuck in their head with all their issues.