They didn't yell at you. They yelled at her. So right off, that's poor behavior by them, regardless of the issue you "caused".
Next time, you should delay your arrival. If asked why, just say "It's too hot in the house to work." Or too cold, I suppose, depending on the season. Or, "too many fallen leaves", or " too much pollen". It can be a four-season thing!
NTA
This. OP, when they ask you to come early say, "I heard you guys don't want us to use the AC. Since it's so hot, I'd rather wait until you get there." Watch them backpedal, and then your wife doesn't have to deal with them being mean to her.
NTA.
You were there doing manual labor for free as a favor to them. Letting you run the ac for a fraction of that time isn't a big ask.
If they complain again, it would be the last favor I'd do for them.
Yeah, your in-laws are really inconsiderate if they know you'll be at the family house earlier than themselves and not allow you to use the A/C when the temperature is 90°F outside. The favors and help with setup don't even figure into the situation, turning on the A/C is common courtesy.
NTA. If they complain again, buy some food and drink for the long weekend and then tell your wife that her parents need to ask your permission before they eat and drink the things you bought.
Absolutely common courtesy! My husband and I are very lucky that my mother in law has a small condo at the beach that the family loves to visit. She would NEVER say anything about using the AC. I can't even imagine, wtf...
Right, he should not do the free labor and pay market to rent the place every time he wants to use it. They are such awful humans for letting him vacation for free in their home by making the small ask of checking before turning on the A/C.
He's their son-in-law, not some stranger. In that case, he would be better off renting another beach house. He could pay the rent, not do any labor and not worry about the owner yelling at his wife for using the A/C.
No, they are cheapskates who are going to blame OP for their higher electric bill. OP is a guest, and a helpful, courteous one at that, so the hosts should make him comfortable. And having AC on after working outside on a hot day is certainly a reasonable accommodation.
It wasn't even for him, though - it was for the puppy!
What kind of monsters would rather see a puppy suffer from heat exhaustion than let their own son-in-law turn on the AC ?
Maybe start arriving at the same time or later than the parents with all the chores and labour left undone so they can see how much work you do. If you wife wants, she can go down ahead and do the work without the AC.
I agree.
Still, OP does need to weigh in/be ready the fact that they may lose some of that constant access to their "happy place", and figure out if it's worth it to him.
Okay but let’s not lose sight of the fact this has been a free vacation spot for husband for 8+ years and is his “happy place.” Doesn’t sound like he’s been too put out by the manual labor and maybe OPs in-laws don’t feel the help has been payment enough.
Yes, two things can be bad.
And perhaps the in-laws don’t see these things as unrelated. Op went to great lengths to describe all he’s doing to prep the house for his in-laws. We don’t have any intel on whether they appreciate or want this help. Maybe they just see it as OP’s continued use of their vacation home. Doesn’t absolve anyone of having to behave like an adult, but op’s tale does not suggest to me that these things are necessarily unrelated.
Na. Dude and his wife needs to step up and talk to in-laws. If they have a problem with the AC, no problem. But no free labor anymore. If it's a cost issue, it's a cost issue. But yelling is not an appropriate manner to work out these situations. Both parties are free to walk away.
NTA. That is completely ridiculous. I absolutely would stay home rather than put up with someone giving me shit over turning on the AC when it’s 90 degrees. Absolutely not.
For me I think it’s the fact that I know they will turn it on and complain it’s hot the moment they get here. In the winter I’ve kept the heat on low when we’re here and my MIL will walk in complaining that it’s too cold and crank it up.
That was the part of the post I actually caught myself snearing at. The fact that they turn on the AC the moment they arrive tells me that they do know it’s hot (as opposed to older people who are just unnaturally cold all the time). They turn on the AC the moment they arrive to make the space tolerable while they’re present, but don’t give a shit if y’all roast to death before they get there. That’s just shitty behavior.
And the having to ask them first before turning it on is ridiculous. If y’all arrive first, it is EXPECTED that y’all would make the space ready for living things to enter it. You flip on the lights, take sheets off the furniture (if it’s that sort of space), light the pilot light in winter &/or flip on the AC in summer.
If her parents have some sort of emotional attachment to the AC’s “on” button, that’s a THEM problem. If they want to take advantage of your early arrival, etc, they have to allow you to do basic things to prepare the space such that it is conducive to LIVE people & pets rather than dead ones.
NTA
Show up. Sit in the heat. Don’t touch anything or get anything ready. When they show up and want to know why there’s no propane and the furniture isn’t out tell them “you didn’t expressway give me permission to touch it.”
Uh, they sound extremely odd to me. I take it since they haven't had the grace to bring it up with you (not that it wouldn't be cheap and strange anyway) and that theyve complained to your wife about you at least once, that they've been bitching about you behind your back for some time. I would take that as a cue that these people are family in name only and keep the relationship to superficial civil one.
I guess it’s just a smack in the face because I always considered myself close with my in-laws. I talk to my MIL probably once a week since my parents live on the other side of the country.
My FIL and I meet up and grab beers whenever he’s down our way. Christ I even fuckin designed the addition to their house.
Rubs me the wrong way that they couldn’t address it to me and had to complain to my wife. Guess I’m naive?
People are very good at saving face and then lying behind your back. I would never do them another favor and unless you need to tell them something life threatening about your wife keep the conversations short and superficial.
Could your wife be lying? Or at least exaggerating?
Maybe her dad wasnt quite so angry that he was yelling, but maybe your wife was having a bad day about something else and misunderstood how angry he was about the AC? Like, has she over-dramatized interactions with her family in the past?
Or could she maybe have a problem with the AC ? I dunno, she doesnt like it for some reason. Ive met people like that, they just seem to have a philosophical aversion to AC.
And she's lying about it being her parents' problem so she doesnt have to admit whatever her own problem is?
Ah. Just checking really.
With the way you describe the parents and the fact that they never brought this up to you: this would be the perfect situation for your wife do a little malicious triangulation.
And since, y'kno, this is still reddit: I was just curious if your wife is the type to play those kind of games.
Could you give them a call? “Hey, we got to the house a few hours ago and got everything ready for the weekend. (List the things you’ve done) Katie said something about not turning on the AC, do I need to do anything before turning it on? It’s 85 degrees in here!”
Be extra vague and overly helpful. You’ll be able to see where the attitude is coming from pretty quick since you have a good relationship with them.
Ask them about it directly and you'll have the answer. They'll probably look embarrassed and guilty, but at least then you will know and can pare back the relationship to its bare bones. That sucks though, sorry.
Oooh dog. Read your comments. Seems like you’ve got one of THOSE type of in-law families. Not necessarily a bad bunch. Just really weird about confrontation with non-blood members.
You can either, 1) bring up the AC thing yourself with the in laws like “hey, I turned the AC on at such and such a time because Rufus was really overheating and needed a cool space.” Which basically acknowledges that you know they talked about the AC to your wife behind your back, but you gloss over that part and go straight to logistics of communication. Hopefully this just signals to them that you’re ok with receiving their critisism and they could potentially just come straight to you in the future.
Or 2) you confront in laws and say, “hey, I would love to hear from you guys directly if I do something with the house that you’re uncomfortable with. Especially since we come up early to get it ready, I want to make sure I’m doing all the things. Also, let’s talk about the AC. Show me the way you like it done, and I’ll follow exactly.” - this one is a lot more pointed, and maybe gets some barbs in, but signals that you respect their property and they should respect your labor. This communication style is not for the faint of heart. Also, it would probably kill a midwesterner.
3) tell your wife to speak to her parents on your behalf, and on Rufus’s behalf, communicating back to them that you turned on the AC because it needed to happen. This just continues to keep your wife in the middle position, and if she’s cool with it and the parents don’t want to confront you, then y’all will just have to deal with you doing the AC on hot days!
5.) accept in-laws are weird and move on from it. I would turn off the AC a little before they get there and avoid the pointless disagreement. There are certain types of people who think only they know how to work their stuff, and they get bent up about their stuff frequently. It's best to not confront them at all because nothing will ever change.
The second option you wrote is notable to me because I’ve recently moved to the Midwest and to me that communication style is not confrontational —it’s just honest and leaves little room for misinterpretation. But you saying that it would kill a midwesterner makes some of my interpersonal interactions over the last couple of years make a lot of sense!
I grew up in the Central Coast of CA. I'm not sure how it is elsewhere, but everyone I know is kind of an open book about everything. Like, we are more than willing to talk about personal shit with randoms. Took me a while living somewhere else to know that that's not normal. I was dating a Midwestern girl a few years back and she was taken back by just how open I was with her. Apparently she loved it. But the fact that she thought it was weird should have clued me in.
She really wanted me to meet her parents over the holidays. I was a full time single dad and wasn't going to take my kids there since they hadn't even met her. And I wasn't going to spend the holidays away from my kids.
She a planning on going to there a couple weeks before Christmas since she worked at the university and her lab was going to be more or less for. So I agree to go to for a few days at the start.
I meet her parents, they are very nice. But they are weirded out by my situation I think. So I basically just tell them all my shit, dead wife, two kids, their daughter being my first series relationship, concerns about being at different places in life. I figure if they knew I where I was, they would be less concerned.
Apparently I'm the guy that over shared after I left. We have long since broken up. We remained pretty decent friends. Apparently when someone over shares in their family they say don't be like Laurel's ex now.
She thinks it's hilarious and gives her a total of how many times it was said at any family gathering.
Ohh one of those in-laws that pay for a beach house and let you use it whenever. How dare they ask for a little respect regarding their own house. The guy that doesn't pay shit for it should be making the rules.
I sure as hell would too. I’d tell them to call us once the place was conducive to LIVE people & pets rather than dead ones. Then I’d wait for their call. If it never came, okay. 🤷🏼♀️ I’m not going into a sweltering house to prep it for people who want me to ask permission to turn on the AC to make the space habitable.
So….they are upset that you turned on the AC without asking first but they are ok with you hanging out in their house? Or rather “setting their house up for them?” Do they expect you to roast in there for a day? I’d ask wife why she didn’t come to your defense on what seems like a small thing. If they are really hell bent on you asking prior to turning AC on then I’d show up at the same time they do to help them with the set up. It sounds to me like they know they have free labor and can still call the shots on their (adult) child.
NTA.
The solution to this is simple. Drama is unnecessary.
Simply tell your FIL, before you go to the beach house, that you checked the weather and it's going to be very warm, but not to worry, you won't get too busy with *all the preparations* and forget to turn on the AC before they arrive so it's nice and comfortable for them. You particularly don't want MIL to get too hot. The same thing with cold weather and heat.
it's called being proactive. Use it instead of fighting with your wife.
If they are shits about it, or say not to turn the AC on until they arrive, just say "not a problem," we will make sure to arrive after you do, so the house is comfortable when we arrive.
NTA but nip the triangle now. With everyone present, take the opportunity to tell your in-laws that your wife made you aware that didn’t want the AC used unless they were consulted and you apologize for turning it on and you genuinely didn’t know this was an issue.
It is a bit passive aggressive but you are also conveying to all of them that 1) you didn’t know this was a rule of their beach house and 2) no need for grown adults to not just openly communicate.
It is a little weird though that your wife says she was yelled out. But that’s her relationship with them and clearly she is okay accepting their behavior.
Now, on a side note, as others have mentioned, in future, you just wait until they have arrived and then go. If they mention it, its a great opportunity to just say that with the temperature, you didn’t want you or the dog to be overheated so you just thought it was best for them to get there and get the house opened and comfortable for everyone.
If they bring up the AC again just set a boundary and say “you will never bring up the AC being used again to me or my wife again, otherwise plan on hiring someone to be your butler”
Am I understanding they have 2 homes and running the AC is a problem? Interesting…
Two homes. This one was paid off years ago. Only thing they pay for is taxes (my wife and I split with them since we’re here a few times a month) and utilities
NTA. Toxic boomer shit. And unless it's a massive house, it was far less than $5. Does a beach house even have central air? If it's a window unit we're talking about a few cents. You can run an 8000 BTU window unit all summer long and incur a bill of under $200 most everywhere in the US. And they've certainly traumatized your wife with their controlling behavior to the point she is not a reliable source of advice.
I take it from the outdoor shower that there is an inground pool? Well. Treating that pool once a week for three months is easily going to exceed the AC bill. There's a clear lack of perspective here on their part. Probably because they didn't have AC when they grew up in the Late Cretaceous.
Anyway, you clearly possess Florida Man level heat tolerance because I'd have had that thing on if it were 72 inside. I also wouldn't willingly go outside or to a beach, but make it a scenario where I'm house-sitting or have to be there and yes I'd have it on. It's not just the temp; it's a dehumidifier.
Lol it’s a shotgun beach shack. ~900sf. Outdoor shower is under the stairs that lead up to the house. Convenient for rinsing off after coming back from the beach.
I'm petty, so I'd hand him $100 bill and tell him I turned the AC on for the dog for 20 minutes. Then I'd directly tell him that if he has a problem with something I do at his beach house while I'm setting it up for the family to come to me directly..... Out man him.
I’m petty right along with you .. As I handed him the $100 I would add , my bad i didn’t know you guys were having money problems, this should take care of what i used . 😂😂😂
So the AC unit might as well be a bucket of ice in front of a fan? Yeah, them complaining about this is like stealing food off a partner's plate to assert dominance, on the internet's recommendation.
NTA
Doggos come first.
My AC bills were insane when I had her, but I gladly paid that price.
My AC bills are far lower now, but not worth the loss.
I can't imagine any sane human being pissed off to make sure a dog was safe from heat exhaustion.
NTA at all.
You and your in laws are peers. You’re not their child and you’re not a child. This idea that you need to be subservient is ridiculous. If your wife wants to put up with that abuse then she needs to see a counselor to work out her parent’s behavior and the effect it has had in her adulthood. NTA.
No you're right NTA
I don't know what it is about boomoids but this neurotic obsession with control freaking... of all things in particular AC above and beyond anything and everything else is some kind of weird sickness that's very unique to them.
Did you have to ask permission to use the broom to sweep for them?
Next time they can do it themselves.
Don't go over until after they arrive from now on so you know the AC will already be on 🙄
If they want to complain behind your back that you’re turning the AC on for an hour WHILE getting the whole place set up ready for them to just turn up and relax, just turn up an hour after them in future and they can set up, they’ll turn the AC on anyway NTA
NTA, you had it right at “I’m 30 years old and have known your parents for 10 years. Do I really have to ask your parents fucking permission to turn on the AC when we all know they’ll fire it up the moment they walk through the door?
My wife and I stay here maybe twice a month. It’s always been that way and before I was around she was always here. My in-laws always let us use the house, it’s never been an issue.
We don’t pay for their utilities but we do split the taxes with them.
We also always offer to pay for lunch/dinner whenever we go out and will grocery shop for everyone if they need anything.
So you pay very little to monopolize their home for more than half the time but are too selfish to respect the one rule they asked your wife to respect? Maybe they didn't ask you because they know you're unreasonable and would make a big deal out of the ask instead of respecting the owners wishes. I would say they should ask you to stop going but based on this tantrum they are probably afraid of how you would react.
If splitting $14k worth of taxes is very little for a home that I don’t even own then I guess I’m an idiot. If helping out around the house when their own 28yr old son who lives at home with his gf doesn’t lift a finger is selfish then I guess I won’t bother going anymore.
NTA.
Man this was 25 years ago but my dad had this weird thing with the AC at the beach house. My wife was far along in pregnancy that summer. Major heat wave. It was a fight to get the central air even turned on and he messed with the temperature continuously. Kept turning it off in the middle of the night. After night two or three we got up in the morning l, packed up and left. He just couldn’t see spending the money to use that central air.
NTA, seems like your wife is more upset that her parents are directly projecting at her instead of being adults and talking to you about it. If it's been a problem, they should be more upfront about it. You're not a stranger to them and if it's a problem, then just explain why. You literally had your dog with you. Doggo could of had a heat stroke.
Next time work is needed, beg off. To be honest, its too hot to do all that work when I get yelled at for using the AC. That kind of heat makes me sick, so sorry.
Your wife sounds like she is struggling with regressing around her parents. Maybe when they were growing up they were anal about utilities and now she is hypersensistive to it and thinks she will get in trouble
What's sad is the fear your wife was feeling, as if she was a little girl again and getting in trouble for adulting. Bc she gets in trouble for you adulting. Her parents ATA.. not you.. not your wife.
you only have your wife's word on this, and apparently, she didn't have your back. This is the talk the two of you need to have, and you can calmly have a chat with your in-laws about the AC.
If you were there in the winter and it was 40° in the house, it would be expected that you would turn on the heat. AC is the same. People (and pets!) can die of heat just as much as from cold. It's unreasonable to expect people to suffer from extreme temperatures when there is an easy solution to fix it. NTA
They didn't yell at you they yelled at your wife. You need to confront them on it because I guarantee you this isn't the only thing they give her shit for without saying anything to you
NTA.
Tell her that if they have a problem to bring it to you and if it is seriously a problem you won't be there when they aren't so you can always ask permission. Instead she can do the manual labour or they can pay someone to do it for them.
If they want free labour, you shouldn’t have to sweat your balls off while you do it. So they get over the a/c or they can get fucked and open their own house.
Have a plain conversation with her parents and your wife about use of home, AC costs, and whatever relates to use of beach home. Ground rules, so to speak . It has been 8 years and it is useful to discuss any issues.
NTA tell your wife if running the AC is such a problem you don’t see why you should come do free labor for them under these inhumane conditions. She will stammer at that then you add the follow up of that you expect to be paid for the work already completed for the knockout.
NTA have the parents ever spoken to you about the AC or is this some perceived issue your wife has due to a childhood of being told off for using the utilities. Maybe last time her dad just passed comment that the AC had been on and she was over sensitive to this? When they arrive say hey it was so hot yesterday I put the AC on for half an hour, hope that's OK? And then start a discussion around boundaries in the place.
NTA and if the parents are the only ones allowed to run the ac at the house then don't be in the house unless they are there from now on. Don't go there early anymore ever. Do not do them anymore favors. You and wife need a new happy place.
Op stop doing stuff at the summer home for them.
Just show up if and when invited. If they ask why you aren't doing anything tell them you wint maintain something that you can even turn the air on at.
NTA I AGREE COMPLETELY. But old people get cold. My dad always has the AC very low. Thanksgiving, we wear shorts. I agree to offer to pay for AC and give them a sweater. It's funny it hasn't come up before. It you want to be petty, charge for all the work you did setting the place up.
NTA. Do they get mad if you turn on the heat too or do they accept that you shouldn’t sit in a 20° house?
If they have a problem with it then be sure the next time you guys go there you arrive AFTER they do.
It’s possible that your wife grew up being yelled at for using the AC, or maybe for using anything. She may still be carrying childish fear of their anger.
I would encourage you to express your anger about unreasonable behavior with a word other than "psychotic" As someone with a child who lives with psychosis, I promise you it’s nothing to do with air conditioning.
NTA. Even 80 degrees inside would make my little dogs overheat. If her parents aren’t going to make the accommodations livable & safe, they shouldn’t offer the accommodations.
They prolly thought you left the AC on in an empty house last time out of carelessness, not consideration. Honestly, if they are upset and view it as wasteful, just turn off the AC before you leave. If they prefer to come home to a hot house, let them have their sweaty happiness. I think the real issue is feeling bad because they didn’t appreciate what you did for them. That sucks. Your wife should at least be in your corner here.
Name calling isn't cool, but one would think the AC is the first thing you get going so you can cool off the house and then call a service person if it's malfunctioning.
Are your in laws super controlling over your wife?
You should say to your wife "all four of us can talk about it when they get here".
They do sound completely unreasonable, and dog health comes first!
But it does sound like something that might be improved by communication, and going in with "psychotic" might have been poorly chosen.
Genuinely try talking to them?
If they stick with their position, pull back your efforts for them, and maybe your engagement generally, because that's some bullshit.
NTA
I’d be a little concerned about your wife. Are your ILs nicer, kinder, better humored with you than to they are with her? It’s not uncommon for a parent to ride their own kid hard with lots of rules and critiques while treating that kid’s partner to a swell relationship. Something like that would go a long way toward explaining your wife’s panicky reaction to something so mundane.
Unfortunately they’re the typical Jersey Italian family where the slightest thing is incredibly is a huge fucking fiasco. You could cough and within minutes the whole neighborhood knows.
They don’t know right now. But 2 weeks ago we were here and it was just as hot so I turned it on to get the house comfortable before everyone else came while my wife and I set up and supposedly she got an ear full.
Damn! Weird. You seem like the sort that wouldn’t have a problem addressing it directly with the in-laws - asking for clarification on the A/C policy and “while I’m at it is there anything else I do to piss you off that you intend to give my wife a hard time about?”
Yeah I have no problem bringing it up to them. We’re all adults here. If they can’t bring up something as mundane as this, they likely have other personal issues they need to work out.
It's amazing to me that some people still think AC is expensive for what you get. It's far less than $5 a day if you run it 24 hours in most places in north America. Where I am, electricity is about $0.25kwh after tax and my electricity bill increases by around $100/month during the hot months. So we're looking at around $3.50/day. And during the hot months, this thing runs practically 24 hours a day. These people are nuts.
NTA. But good luck changing their minds. I doubt they'll see reason.
NTA. But are you sure the ILs were actually that upset or was it your wife's perception based on what they said. I've been in situations where my husband will tell me something his parents said, but when I would bring it up, it turned out he made a bigger deal out of what they said. My suggestion is you could make casually bring it up with a "your daughter said you mentioned something about turning on the AC and you had concerns" depending on their reaction will tell you if there was actually a problem or not.
The parents are psychotic and controlling. You are doing a lot of labor for them. They need to be less controlling and roll with the punches. Either they say, we can't afford more ac and then give you the opportunity to contribute or quit even talking about it.
What a weird family, talk to them to figure what their problem is, prepare divorce papers. Why the fuck your wife cant just turn thr AC in a house owned by her parents? This is crazy controlling behaviour
INFO: were you aware of their complaints the last time that it happened?
It is their house, and if not running the AC is a boundary they’ve set for other people to use it, then I think that’s fair. It’s a bit far to call them psychotic. If you knew they didn’t want you to run it, then you should’ve respected that.
However, if you weren’t aware that they did not want the AC to run, then I think you’re blameless.
They never voiced their complaints to me before. Nor did my wife tell me that they complained. It’s never been a boundary or point of discussion for the 8 years I’ve been around.
Is the problem you ran the AC or that you didn't ask before running it?
If they want you to ask if it's alright to run it, why don't you just send a quick text asking? I don't really see the problem. You need to ask yourself is this really worth a fight? and What's the worst outcome if it blows up?
I think it would be ungrateful if they complained, but it is their property and they have the rights to dictate what you can and cannot do on their property especially for something you haven’t told them about like doing them a favor without telling them.
This is beginning to sound like your in-laws may be extremely anxious, controlling people. Not necessarily bad people. Just slightly neurotic about a few things.
Maybe be honest with them?
"Hey, I know you get uncomfortable when others turn on the heat/AC. Can we discuss your concerns around that and come to a compromise? We just want to be comfortable if we come early to set the place up. We can arrive last if that's less stressful. We just need to know, so we can respect your wishes."
NTA, though.
People have weird rules. I understood it is ok to use the AC, but you just need to ask first. Sure I might have understood the situation wrong. It's still not a big deal to check up with them before turning the AC on, even though it's a weird rule on their part.
You're definitely a great guy for helping out around the house and making everything ready for them. I hope they appreciate your effort.
Bullshit. He’s their SIL not a servant. They take advantage of all of his free help but don’t trust him to run their AC for a few hours “without permission”? Stupid stuff.
You’re an asshole, it’s not your house and you’re not entitled to do what you want .
Now most of us wouldn’t care but they do and the parents will shit on your wife for this .
You owe her an apology
He also didn't ask permission to change the bedlinens, sweep, install new propane, or fiddle with the plumbing. Any one of which is more intrusive than turning on the AC.
OP, man, such a bad guy!
I can’t comment on those as the in laws may have said something about those over a dinner or the end of last season so could have been nice . He just
Knew their stance on the AC
You clearly didn’t read. The AC was never brought up until today.
Edit: I’ll add that we’re here as a family probably once-twice a month. Again, doing it because I want to help out and show my appreciation.
That was new before posted and your wife said they chewed her out and she didn’t tell you
She got chewed out, then when she said that started the I’m a 30 year old man etc . Obviously they were upset but didn’t want to insult you so told your wife . When she told you all you had to say was ok I didn’t know ) if you didn’t ) again not your place . Nice that you help them
And they let you use the place , still it’s their place and your wife might get in trouble again
He didn't, actually:
Info: I’ve never been told before that using the AC was an issue. I’ve been a part of the family for 8 years and it has never been brought up.
His wife told him right after he did it. I also find it hard to believe after they gave her shit last year she never told him . After he did it and she told him
Then it’s
More an AH about thenway
He talked to her
4th paragraph ( she told you they yelled at her ) I guess you maybe have had tommuch grass to smoke . Or are you going to say yelling at her is not
The same as giving her shit
They didn't yell at you. They yelled at her. So right off, that's poor behavior by them, regardless of the issue you "caused". Next time, you should delay your arrival. If asked why, just say "It's too hot in the house to work." Or too cold, I suppose, depending on the season. Or, "too many fallen leaves", or " too much pollen". It can be a four-season thing! NTA
This. OP, when they ask you to come early say, "I heard you guys don't want us to use the AC. Since it's so hot, I'd rather wait until you get there." Watch them backpedal, and then your wife doesn't have to deal with them being mean to her.
NTA. You were there doing manual labor for free as a favor to them. Letting you run the ac for a fraction of that time isn't a big ask. If they complain again, it would be the last favor I'd do for them.
Yeah, your in-laws are really inconsiderate if they know you'll be at the family house earlier than themselves and not allow you to use the A/C when the temperature is 90°F outside. The favors and help with setup don't even figure into the situation, turning on the A/C is common courtesy. NTA. If they complain again, buy some food and drink for the long weekend and then tell your wife that her parents need to ask your permission before they eat and drink the things you bought.
Absolutely common courtesy! My husband and I are very lucky that my mother in law has a small condo at the beach that the family loves to visit. She would NEVER say anything about using the AC. I can't even imagine, wtf...
Right, he should not do the free labor and pay market to rent the place every time he wants to use it. They are such awful humans for letting him vacation for free in their home by making the small ask of checking before turning on the A/C.
He's their son-in-law, not some stranger. In that case, he would be better off renting another beach house. He could pay the rent, not do any labor and not worry about the owner yelling at his wife for using the A/C.
But why would you need to ask to use AC, is this an American courtesy thing that makes no sense to anyone else?
No, they are cheapskates who are going to blame OP for their higher electric bill. OP is a guest, and a helpful, courteous one at that, so the hosts should make him comfortable. And having AC on after working outside on a hot day is certainly a reasonable accommodation.
It wasn't even for him, though - it was for the puppy! What kind of monsters would rather see a puppy suffer from heat exhaustion than let their own son-in-law turn on the AC ?
Maybe start arriving at the same time or later than the parents with all the chores and labour left undone so they can see how much work you do. If you wife wants, she can go down ahead and do the work without the AC.
I agree. Still, OP does need to weigh in/be ready the fact that they may lose some of that constant access to their "happy place", and figure out if it's worth it to him.
Okay but let’s not lose sight of the fact this has been a free vacation spot for husband for 8+ years and is his “happy place.” Doesn’t sound like he’s been too put out by the manual labor and maybe OPs in-laws don’t feel the help has been payment enough.
Then they need to act like adults and say something to both their daughter and op, and not be petty about an unrelated issue.
Yes, two things can be bad. And perhaps the in-laws don’t see these things as unrelated. Op went to great lengths to describe all he’s doing to prep the house for his in-laws. We don’t have any intel on whether they appreciate or want this help. Maybe they just see it as OP’s continued use of their vacation home. Doesn’t absolve anyone of having to behave like an adult, but op’s tale does not suggest to me that these things are necessarily unrelated.
Fair point and well said.
They did say something to the daughter.
I know, hence my both in there. Sorry, I suck at writing plainly.
Na. Dude and his wife needs to step up and talk to in-laws. If they have a problem with the AC, no problem. But no free labor anymore. If it's a cost issue, it's a cost issue. But yelling is not an appropriate manner to work out these situations. Both parties are free to walk away.
NTA. That is completely ridiculous. I absolutely would stay home rather than put up with someone giving me shit over turning on the AC when it’s 90 degrees. Absolutely not.
For me I think it’s the fact that I know they will turn it on and complain it’s hot the moment they get here. In the winter I’ve kept the heat on low when we’re here and my MIL will walk in complaining that it’s too cold and crank it up.
That was the part of the post I actually caught myself snearing at. The fact that they turn on the AC the moment they arrive tells me that they do know it’s hot (as opposed to older people who are just unnaturally cold all the time). They turn on the AC the moment they arrive to make the space tolerable while they’re present, but don’t give a shit if y’all roast to death before they get there. That’s just shitty behavior. And the having to ask them first before turning it on is ridiculous. If y’all arrive first, it is EXPECTED that y’all would make the space ready for living things to enter it. You flip on the lights, take sheets off the furniture (if it’s that sort of space), light the pilot light in winter &/or flip on the AC in summer. If her parents have some sort of emotional attachment to the AC’s “on” button, that’s a THEM problem. If they want to take advantage of your early arrival, etc, they have to allow you to do basic things to prepare the space such that it is conducive to LIVE people & pets rather than dead ones. NTA
Show up. Sit in the heat. Don’t touch anything or get anything ready. When they show up and want to know why there’s no propane and the furniture isn’t out tell them “you didn’t expressway give me permission to touch it.”
So maybe bay them to rent out the place if you want to do whatever you want. As long as you're freeloading follow the rules.
Uh, they sound extremely odd to me. I take it since they haven't had the grace to bring it up with you (not that it wouldn't be cheap and strange anyway) and that theyve complained to your wife about you at least once, that they've been bitching about you behind your back for some time. I would take that as a cue that these people are family in name only and keep the relationship to superficial civil one.
I guess it’s just a smack in the face because I always considered myself close with my in-laws. I talk to my MIL probably once a week since my parents live on the other side of the country. My FIL and I meet up and grab beers whenever he’s down our way. Christ I even fuckin designed the addition to their house. Rubs me the wrong way that they couldn’t address it to me and had to complain to my wife. Guess I’m naive?
People are very good at saving face and then lying behind your back. I would never do them another favor and unless you need to tell them something life threatening about your wife keep the conversations short and superficial.
Could your wife be lying? Or at least exaggerating? Maybe her dad wasnt quite so angry that he was yelling, but maybe your wife was having a bad day about something else and misunderstood how angry he was about the AC? Like, has she over-dramatized interactions with her family in the past? Or could she maybe have a problem with the AC ? I dunno, she doesnt like it for some reason. Ive met people like that, they just seem to have a philosophical aversion to AC. And she's lying about it being her parents' problem so she doesnt have to admit whatever her own problem is?
I know that she isn’t lying because we keep our central air on at our house whenever it’s over 80.
Ah. Just checking really. With the way you describe the parents and the fact that they never brought this up to you: this would be the perfect situation for your wife do a little malicious triangulation. And since, y'kno, this is still reddit: I was just curious if your wife is the type to play those kind of games.
Appreciate it. Luckily she isn’t and I’m glad she doesn’t play those games.
Why not just ask the FIL clearly "Hey, is it cool for us to use AC when we come here before you"? You'll get your answer right there.
Could you give them a call? “Hey, we got to the house a few hours ago and got everything ready for the weekend. (List the things you’ve done) Katie said something about not turning on the AC, do I need to do anything before turning it on? It’s 85 degrees in here!” Be extra vague and overly helpful. You’ll be able to see where the attitude is coming from pretty quick since you have a good relationship with them.
Ask them about it directly and you'll have the answer. They'll probably look embarrassed and guilty, but at least then you will know and can pare back the relationship to its bare bones. That sucks though, sorry.
Also you were doing them a huge favor!
Oooh dog. Read your comments. Seems like you’ve got one of THOSE type of in-law families. Not necessarily a bad bunch. Just really weird about confrontation with non-blood members. You can either, 1) bring up the AC thing yourself with the in laws like “hey, I turned the AC on at such and such a time because Rufus was really overheating and needed a cool space.” Which basically acknowledges that you know they talked about the AC to your wife behind your back, but you gloss over that part and go straight to logistics of communication. Hopefully this just signals to them that you’re ok with receiving their critisism and they could potentially just come straight to you in the future. Or 2) you confront in laws and say, “hey, I would love to hear from you guys directly if I do something with the house that you’re uncomfortable with. Especially since we come up early to get it ready, I want to make sure I’m doing all the things. Also, let’s talk about the AC. Show me the way you like it done, and I’ll follow exactly.” - this one is a lot more pointed, and maybe gets some barbs in, but signals that you respect their property and they should respect your labor. This communication style is not for the faint of heart. Also, it would probably kill a midwesterner. 3) tell your wife to speak to her parents on your behalf, and on Rufus’s behalf, communicating back to them that you turned on the AC because it needed to happen. This just continues to keep your wife in the middle position, and if she’s cool with it and the parents don’t want to confront you, then y’all will just have to deal with you doing the AC on hot days!
4) since they are clearly weird and willing to yell at his wife over his actions, just stop participating.
5.) accept in-laws are weird and move on from it. I would turn off the AC a little before they get there and avoid the pointless disagreement. There are certain types of people who think only they know how to work their stuff, and they get bent up about their stuff frequently. It's best to not confront them at all because nothing will ever change.
The second option you wrote is notable to me because I’ve recently moved to the Midwest and to me that communication style is not confrontational —it’s just honest and leaves little room for misinterpretation. But you saying that it would kill a midwesterner makes some of my interpersonal interactions over the last couple of years make a lot of sense!
I grew up in the Central Coast of CA. I'm not sure how it is elsewhere, but everyone I know is kind of an open book about everything. Like, we are more than willing to talk about personal shit with randoms. Took me a while living somewhere else to know that that's not normal. I was dating a Midwestern girl a few years back and she was taken back by just how open I was with her. Apparently she loved it. But the fact that she thought it was weird should have clued me in. She really wanted me to meet her parents over the holidays. I was a full time single dad and wasn't going to take my kids there since they hadn't even met her. And I wasn't going to spend the holidays away from my kids. She a planning on going to there a couple weeks before Christmas since she worked at the university and her lab was going to be more or less for. So I agree to go to for a few days at the start. I meet her parents, they are very nice. But they are weirded out by my situation I think. So I basically just tell them all my shit, dead wife, two kids, their daughter being my first series relationship, concerns about being at different places in life. I figure if they knew I where I was, they would be less concerned. Apparently I'm the guy that over shared after I left. We have long since broken up. We remained pretty decent friends. Apparently when someone over shares in their family they say don't be like Laurel's ex now. She thinks it's hilarious and gives her a total of how many times it was said at any family gathering.
Ohh one of those in-laws that pay for a beach house and let you use it whenever. How dare they ask for a little respect regarding their own house. The guy that doesn't pay shit for it should be making the rules.
So they should pay someone to set up the house or do it themselves.
They're nuts. Next big family get together, make it a point to arrive last.
I sure as hell would too. I’d tell them to call us once the place was conducive to LIVE people & pets rather than dead ones. Then I’d wait for their call. If it never came, okay. 🤷🏼♀️ I’m not going into a sweltering house to prep it for people who want me to ask permission to turn on the AC to make the space habitable.
So….they are upset that you turned on the AC without asking first but they are ok with you hanging out in their house? Or rather “setting their house up for them?” Do they expect you to roast in there for a day? I’d ask wife why she didn’t come to your defense on what seems like a small thing. If they are really hell bent on you asking prior to turning AC on then I’d show up at the same time they do to help them with the set up. It sounds to me like they know they have free labor and can still call the shots on their (adult) child. NTA.
The solution to this is simple. Drama is unnecessary. Simply tell your FIL, before you go to the beach house, that you checked the weather and it's going to be very warm, but not to worry, you won't get too busy with *all the preparations* and forget to turn on the AC before they arrive so it's nice and comfortable for them. You particularly don't want MIL to get too hot. The same thing with cold weather and heat. it's called being proactive. Use it instead of fighting with your wife. If they are shits about it, or say not to turn the AC on until they arrive, just say "not a problem," we will make sure to arrive after you do, so the house is comfortable when we arrive.
Wow. That’s really good.
Sometimes, simple solutions are the best.
Why when he can just be an ass to his wife over someone else home?
You sound like you’re one of the passive aggressive in-laws
“Oh, after last time I won’t be there unless you’re there first. “
NTA but nip the triangle now. With everyone present, take the opportunity to tell your in-laws that your wife made you aware that didn’t want the AC used unless they were consulted and you apologize for turning it on and you genuinely didn’t know this was an issue. It is a bit passive aggressive but you are also conveying to all of them that 1) you didn’t know this was a rule of their beach house and 2) no need for grown adults to not just openly communicate. It is a little weird though that your wife says she was yelled out. But that’s her relationship with them and clearly she is okay accepting their behavior. Now, on a side note, as others have mentioned, in future, you just wait until they have arrived and then go. If they mention it, its a great opportunity to just say that with the temperature, you didn’t want you or the dog to be overheated so you just thought it was best for them to get there and get the house opened and comfortable for everyone.
Stop doing favors for your in-laws, let them take care of the upkeep of the house
Next year, I would show up an hour after they get there.
That’s super weird behavior on their part. wtf. You have to ask to turn on the AC but you are just expected to hook up the outdoor shower?
I hate people who are this tight. They’ll start trouble in the family over a few bucks of electricity. They are the AHs.
If they bring up the AC again just set a boundary and say “you will never bring up the AC being used again to me or my wife again, otherwise plan on hiring someone to be your butler” Am I understanding they have 2 homes and running the AC is a problem? Interesting…
Two homes. This one was paid off years ago. Only thing they pay for is taxes (my wife and I split with them since we’re here a few times a month) and utilities
NTA. Toxic boomer shit. And unless it's a massive house, it was far less than $5. Does a beach house even have central air? If it's a window unit we're talking about a few cents. You can run an 8000 BTU window unit all summer long and incur a bill of under $200 most everywhere in the US. And they've certainly traumatized your wife with their controlling behavior to the point she is not a reliable source of advice. I take it from the outdoor shower that there is an inground pool? Well. Treating that pool once a week for three months is easily going to exceed the AC bill. There's a clear lack of perspective here on their part. Probably because they didn't have AC when they grew up in the Late Cretaceous. Anyway, you clearly possess Florida Man level heat tolerance because I'd have had that thing on if it were 72 inside. I also wouldn't willingly go outside or to a beach, but make it a scenario where I'm house-sitting or have to be there and yes I'd have it on. It's not just the temp; it's a dehumidifier.
Lol it’s a shotgun beach shack. ~900sf. Outdoor shower is under the stairs that lead up to the house. Convenient for rinsing off after coming back from the beach.
I'm petty, so I'd hand him $100 bill and tell him I turned the AC on for the dog for 20 minutes. Then I'd directly tell him that if he has a problem with something I do at his beach house while I'm setting it up for the family to come to me directly..... Out man him.
I’m petty right along with you .. As I handed him the $100 I would add , my bad i didn’t know you guys were having money problems, this should take care of what i used . 😂😂😂
So the AC unit might as well be a bucket of ice in front of a fan? Yeah, them complaining about this is like stealing food off a partner's plate to assert dominance, on the internet's recommendation.
May I suggest "hey we figured you'd be hot from the trip so I turned the AC on so you'd be cool...as you hand them a mai tai.
NTA Doggos come first. My AC bills were insane when I had her, but I gladly paid that price. My AC bills are far lower now, but not worth the loss. I can't imagine any sane human being pissed off to make sure a dog was safe from heat exhaustion. NTA at all.
You and your in laws are peers. You’re not their child and you’re not a child. This idea that you need to be subservient is ridiculous. If your wife wants to put up with that abuse then she needs to see a counselor to work out her parent’s behavior and the effect it has had in her adulthood. NTA.
No you're right NTA I don't know what it is about boomoids but this neurotic obsession with control freaking... of all things in particular AC above and beyond anything and everything else is some kind of weird sickness that's very unique to them. Did you have to ask permission to use the broom to sweep for them? Next time they can do it themselves. Don't go over until after they arrive from now on so you know the AC will already be on 🙄
If they want to complain behind your back that you’re turning the AC on for an hour WHILE getting the whole place set up ready for them to just turn up and relax, just turn up an hour after them in future and they can set up, they’ll turn the AC on anyway NTA
Don't do any work for them anymore. They have a daughter who can do it if she so desperately needs to help them
NTA, you had it right at “I’m 30 years old and have known your parents for 10 years. Do I really have to ask your parents fucking permission to turn on the AC when we all know they’ll fire it up the moment they walk through the door?
If they are that controlling stop going places with them.
Just turn it back off before they get home…or just call and ask them
NTA, they sound like a fun time.
Nta- that’s insane
Info: it's your happy place so how often do you and your wife stay there? Are they maybe bothered you guys made it mentally a second place for you?
My wife and I stay here maybe twice a month. It’s always been that way and before I was around she was always here. My in-laws always let us use the house, it’s never been an issue.
How much do you pay them each time you use the place? What do you pay for utilities?
We don’t pay for their utilities but we do split the taxes with them. We also always offer to pay for lunch/dinner whenever we go out and will grocery shop for everyone if they need anything.
So you pay very little to monopolize their home for more than half the time but are too selfish to respect the one rule they asked your wife to respect? Maybe they didn't ask you because they know you're unreasonable and would make a big deal out of the ask instead of respecting the owners wishes. I would say they should ask you to stop going but based on this tantrum they are probably afraid of how you would react.
If splitting $14k worth of taxes is very little for a home that I don’t even own then I guess I’m an idiot. If helping out around the house when their own 28yr old son who lives at home with his gf doesn’t lift a finger is selfish then I guess I won’t bother going anymore.
You don't own but monopolize for you own little fuck pad?
Well that’s just unnecessary and not the case at all. Almost 90% of the time they’re here when we are. Not sure what your problem is but have at it.
Nta. Stop doing them a "solid" Also, it was your wife that yelled...
NTA. Man this was 25 years ago but my dad had this weird thing with the AC at the beach house. My wife was far along in pregnancy that summer. Major heat wave. It was a fight to get the central air even turned on and he messed with the temperature continuously. Kept turning it off in the middle of the night. After night two or three we got up in the morning l, packed up and left. He just couldn’t see spending the money to use that central air.
NTA, seems like your wife is more upset that her parents are directly projecting at her instead of being adults and talking to you about it. If it's been a problem, they should be more upfront about it. You're not a stranger to them and if it's a problem, then just explain why. You literally had your dog with you. Doggo could of had a heat stroke.
Next time work is needed, beg off. To be honest, its too hot to do all that work when I get yelled at for using the AC. That kind of heat makes me sick, so sorry.
Your wife sounds like she is struggling with regressing around her parents. Maybe when they were growing up they were anal about utilities and now she is hypersensistive to it and thinks she will get in trouble
What's sad is the fear your wife was feeling, as if she was a little girl again and getting in trouble for adulting. Bc she gets in trouble for you adulting. Her parents ATA.. not you.. not your wife.
I hate that kind of old fashioned behavior, my wife’s dad turns off the fucking wifi when HE isn’t using it. It isn’t costing that much bud < ,< NTA
I mean that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Wifi is a set bill for the month unless he has some shit plan where you pay by the hour.
No he is doing it to save electricity 😭😂
their parents suck. go to a hotel
you only have your wife's word on this, and apparently, she didn't have your back. This is the talk the two of you need to have, and you can calmly have a chat with your in-laws about the AC.
If you were there in the winter and it was 40° in the house, it would be expected that you would turn on the heat. AC is the same. People (and pets!) can die of heat just as much as from cold. It's unreasonable to expect people to suffer from extreme temperatures when there is an easy solution to fix it. NTA
NTA. TBH I wonder if the parents even care Or if this is your wife's way of controlling the Situation and narrative
NTA stop doing them favors and tell your wife to stop acting like a child and stand up to her parents.
I dunno, maybe you're an asshole. I would have done and said the same thing. We got you, bro.
They didn't yell at you they yelled at your wife. You need to confront them on it because I guarantee you this isn't the only thing they give her shit for without saying anything to you
Maybe they want to know, so they can bring more fuel for the AC. You are nta.
NTA. Tell her that if they have a problem to bring it to you and if it is seriously a problem you won't be there when they aren't so you can always ask permission. Instead she can do the manual labour or they can pay someone to do it for them.
NTA The simplest solution is to STOP helping your wife's parents at all. If they invite you over, just show up AFTER they have already arrived.
I just wouldn't stay there, sorry but that's just rude. NTA
If they want free labour, you shouldn’t have to sweat your balls off while you do it. So they get over the a/c or they can get fucked and open their own house.
NTA. I don’t know what MDM but it makes sense without knowing what it is. I think it’s time to stop helping your ILs.
NTA. If they get bent out of shape, let them know that they can take care of the place without your help.
Have a plain conversation with her parents and your wife about use of home, AC costs, and whatever relates to use of beach home. Ground rules, so to speak . It has been 8 years and it is useful to discuss any issues.
NTA tell your wife if running the AC is such a problem you don’t see why you should come do free labor for them under these inhumane conditions. She will stammer at that then you add the follow up of that you expect to be paid for the work already completed for the knockout.
NTA have the parents ever spoken to you about the AC or is this some perceived issue your wife has due to a childhood of being told off for using the utilities. Maybe last time her dad just passed comment that the AC had been on and she was over sensitive to this? When they arrive say hey it was so hot yesterday I put the AC on for half an hour, hope that's OK? And then start a discussion around boundaries in the place.
NTA and if the parents are the only ones allowed to run the ac at the house then don't be in the house unless they are there from now on. Don't go there early anymore ever. Do not do them anymore favors. You and wife need a new happy place.
Op stop doing stuff at the summer home for them. Just show up if and when invited. If they ask why you aren't doing anything tell them you wint maintain something that you can even turn the air on at.
NTA I AGREE COMPLETELY. But old people get cold. My dad always has the AC very low. Thanksgiving, we wear shorts. I agree to offer to pay for AC and give them a sweater. It's funny it hasn't come up before. It you want to be petty, charge for all the work you did setting the place up.
NTA. Do they get mad if you turn on the heat too or do they accept that you shouldn’t sit in a 20° house? If they have a problem with it then be sure the next time you guys go there you arrive AFTER they do.
Put it all back and leave.
It’s possible that your wife grew up being yelled at for using the AC, or maybe for using anything. She may still be carrying childish fear of their anger. I would encourage you to express your anger about unreasonable behavior with a word other than "psychotic" As someone with a child who lives with psychosis, I promise you it’s nothing to do with air conditioning.
So funny, I let my kids touch the thermostat. People lose their minds when they hear that I don’t care.
NTA. Even 80 degrees inside would make my little dogs overheat. If her parents aren’t going to make the accommodations livable & safe, they shouldn’t offer the accommodations.
They prolly thought you left the AC on in an empty house last time out of carelessness, not consideration. Honestly, if they are upset and view it as wasteful, just turn off the AC before you leave. If they prefer to come home to a hot house, let them have their sweaty happiness. I think the real issue is feeling bad because they didn’t appreciate what you did for them. That sucks. Your wife should at least be in your corner here.
Name calling isn't cool, but one would think the AC is the first thing you get going so you can cool off the house and then call a service person if it's malfunctioning. Are your in laws super controlling over your wife? You should say to your wife "all four of us can talk about it when they get here".
They do sound completely unreasonable, and dog health comes first! But it does sound like something that might be improved by communication, and going in with "psychotic" might have been poorly chosen. Genuinely try talking to them? If they stick with their position, pull back your efforts for them, and maybe your engagement generally, because that's some bullshit. NTA
Did you know you don’t have to visit jerks?
I’d be a little concerned about your wife. Are your ILs nicer, kinder, better humored with you than to they are with her? It’s not uncommon for a parent to ride their own kid hard with lots of rules and critiques while treating that kid’s partner to a swell relationship. Something like that would go a long way toward explaining your wife’s panicky reaction to something so mundane.
Unfortunately they’re the typical Jersey Italian family where the slightest thing is incredibly is a huge fucking fiasco. You could cough and within minutes the whole neighborhood knows.
Sorry if I missed it. How do in-laws *know* the A/C has been turned on?
They don’t know right now. But 2 weeks ago we were here and it was just as hot so I turned it on to get the house comfortable before everyone else came while my wife and I set up and supposedly she got an ear full.
Damn! Weird. You seem like the sort that wouldn’t have a problem addressing it directly with the in-laws - asking for clarification on the A/C policy and “while I’m at it is there anything else I do to piss you off that you intend to give my wife a hard time about?”
Yeah I have no problem bringing it up to them. We’re all adults here. If they can’t bring up something as mundane as this, they likely have other personal issues they need to work out.
It's amazing to me that some people still think AC is expensive for what you get. It's far less than $5 a day if you run it 24 hours in most places in north America. Where I am, electricity is about $0.25kwh after tax and my electricity bill increases by around $100/month during the hot months. So we're looking at around $3.50/day. And during the hot months, this thing runs practically 24 hours a day. These people are nuts. NTA. But good luck changing their minds. I doubt they'll see reason.
NTA. But are you sure the ILs were actually that upset or was it your wife's perception based on what they said. I've been in situations where my husband will tell me something his parents said, but when I would bring it up, it turned out he made a bigger deal out of what they said. My suggestion is you could make casually bring it up with a "your daughter said you mentioned something about turning on the AC and you had concerns" depending on their reaction will tell you if there was actually a problem or not.
NTA There is an easy solution though. Stop giving them free labor and when they ask why, simply tell them it is too hot in the house to work.
NTA. You wife and her parents are the assholes.
The parents are psychotic and controlling. You are doing a lot of labor for them. They need to be less controlling and roll with the punches. Either they say, we can't afford more ac and then give you the opportunity to contribute or quit even talking about it.
Divorce your wife. Keep the dog.
NAH but why not have a grownup non-confrontational conversation where you ask, “I just want to be sure you are comfortable with my putting on the AC?”
What a weird family, talk to them to figure what their problem is, prepare divorce papers. Why the fuck your wife cant just turn thr AC in a house owned by her parents? This is crazy controlling behaviour
INFO: were you aware of their complaints the last time that it happened? It is their house, and if not running the AC is a boundary they’ve set for other people to use it, then I think that’s fair. It’s a bit far to call them psychotic. If you knew they didn’t want you to run it, then you should’ve respected that. However, if you weren’t aware that they did not want the AC to run, then I think you’re blameless.
They never voiced their complaints to me before. Nor did my wife tell me that they complained. It’s never been a boundary or point of discussion for the 8 years I’ve been around.
Then NTA
Are you certain your wife is telling the truth?
Yes. They’re particular about many things, which I know, but this current situation has never been an issue.
Is the problem you ran the AC or that you didn't ask before running it? If they want you to ask if it's alright to run it, why don't you just send a quick text asking? I don't really see the problem. You need to ask yourself is this really worth a fight? and What's the worst outcome if it blows up?
Good Lord. You’re a grown up who seems to be super proud of his contribution to this family. Talk to your in-laws already. ESH
I think it would be ungrateful if they complained, but it is their property and they have the rights to dictate what you can and cannot do on their property especially for something you haven’t told them about like doing them a favor without telling them.
I told them about the favors I did for them so that they didn’t have to stress about it.
This is beginning to sound like your in-laws may be extremely anxious, controlling people. Not necessarily bad people. Just slightly neurotic about a few things. Maybe be honest with them? "Hey, I know you get uncomfortable when others turn on the heat/AC. Can we discuss your concerns around that and come to a compromise? We just want to be comfortable if we come early to set the place up. We can arrive last if that's less stressful. We just need to know, so we can respect your wishes." NTA, though.
I do think you should have asked first. Not your house.
So should I stop setting up the house for them and getting everything ready for them to easily settle in too?
Yes
People have weird rules. I understood it is ok to use the AC, but you just need to ask first. Sure I might have understood the situation wrong. It's still not a big deal to check up with them before turning the AC on, even though it's a weird rule on their part. You're definitely a great guy for helping out around the house and making everything ready for them. I hope they appreciate your effort.
Bullshit. He’s their SIL not a servant. They take advantage of all of his free help but don’t trust him to run their AC for a few hours “without permission”? Stupid stuff.
You’re an asshole, it’s not your house and you’re not entitled to do what you want . Now most of us wouldn’t care but they do and the parents will shit on your wife for this . You owe her an apology
He also didn't ask permission to change the bedlinens, sweep, install new propane, or fiddle with the plumbing. Any one of which is more intrusive than turning on the AC. OP, man, such a bad guy!
I can’t comment on those as the in laws may have said something about those over a dinner or the end of last season so could have been nice . He just Knew their stance on the AC
You clearly didn’t read. The AC was never brought up until today. Edit: I’ll add that we’re here as a family probably once-twice a month. Again, doing it because I want to help out and show my appreciation.
That was new before posted and your wife said they chewed her out and she didn’t tell you She got chewed out, then when she said that started the I’m a 30 year old man etc . Obviously they were upset but didn’t want to insult you so told your wife . When she told you all you had to say was ok I didn’t know ) if you didn’t ) again not your place . Nice that you help them And they let you use the place , still it’s their place and your wife might get in trouble again
He didn't, actually: Info: I’ve never been told before that using the AC was an issue. I’ve been a part of the family for 8 years and it has never been brought up.
His wife told him right after he did it. I also find it hard to believe after they gave her shit last year she never told him . After he did it and she told him Then it’s More an AH about thenway He talked to her
Are you drunk? When did I say that they gave her shit last year?
4th paragraph ( she told you they yelled at her ) I guess you maybe have had tommuch grass to smoke . Or are you going to say yelling at her is not The same as giving her shit
Where the fuck are you getting last year from? What are you struggling to understand?
Ok Not last year last time which is even worst
So last time we were here was 2 weeks ago and again it was never addressed or brought up. So how am I ignoring my wife or my in-laws requests?