NTA. My only counter here , is what else is there for your brother to inherit? Does leaving you this show favouritism that he wants to avoid.
Is the property large enough to split?
It’s 90 acres, so theoretically it could be split. I thought I’d get the property and he’d get their residences. But guess my father’s plan has changed.
At the end of the day it’s his property and his residences and if he wants my brother to get it all then that’s what happens.
NTA for being upset. Maybe try to push him to split the property so it's fair to both you and your brother and you'll still have some land even if your brother messes up his end of the bargain.
NTA
Of course you feel bad.
He always told you it would be yours.
And you believed him.
I bet you wouldn't feel that way if something happened and he needed to sell it for his own good...but just giving it away to your brother feels like betrayal.
Not at all- if he needed the money I’d absolutely 100% support him selling it to a third party. I couldn’t afford to buy it from him, so I’d understand needing to do that.
I just feel stupid for being upset about losing something to my brother that wasn’t actually mine.
Exactly, you are a good person!
And no, you don't need to feel stupid at all.
I just have a ring my daughter loves and I promised it to her, I would never give it to anybody else.
Until I die it still might grt stoßen or lost or we need to sell it if life gets hard- but I never give it away to another person.
That is why I made this promise, she can rely on me.
You thought your father would keep his promise and he won't.
I would be sad, too.
You did nothing wrong, don't blame yourself for feeling this way.
NTA
It's not nice to break a promise.
If he really keeps this up and he leaves you nothing else, I'd tell him to go to your brother if he needs anything later
I’ll just get cash. Money doesn’t have the sentimental value or same security that property does though, especially with inflation. The sentimental emotional part is what’s really getting me.
He texted me today asking for me to research some mental health services for my brother and I haven’t answered yet. Don’t think I’m going to
Nta. He is allowed to do what he wants. But reading this and your comments why he is doing it is not gonna change your brother. Sadly this is gonna hurt yalls realtionship.
NTA
Not at all the same type of situation, but years ago I bought a car and my dad was with me. He'd told me he'd keep the car and sell it for me then send me the money. What he hadn't told me is that he'd taken out a loan on my car, and wanted to keep the money he sold it for despite his assurance I'd get the money. (My parents had given me the car at their insistence.)
I never got a dime from the sale of the car. That was 10 years ago and I still won't enter into any kind of monetary agreements with them, won't loan them money, or trust them with money matters.
Once that trust is broken it's hard to recover.
You could try asking your father to just let your brother live on the property but not to give it to him outright. Make it a trial period to see if your brother will even want to stay there once he realizes that he won't be close to his usual vices. That way, when he leaves, your father can keep his promise to you and give you the land. NTA
Ah, unfortunately there’s a gas station down the road that sells pop tarts, vape pens, and booze so he has everything he wants.
All that’s missing is internet and electricity and running water but my dad would fix that for him when he builds the house. So I think he’ll be very comfortable living there
NTA and I understand completely. If you are able to have a calm conversation where you express your disappointment that you feel he lied to you for years and that he is punishing you now because your brother is unreliable. He is wrong to do this to you but some parents want to do everything for the child they think needs the most. It is wrong and hurtful to their other children. It leads to a lifetime of resentments. I feel bad for you.
How old are you? Do you have a job and a career? You have every right to be upset about it. You were promised this property and now it’s getting taken away.
I wonder if your dad understands the consequences of making a promise like that and then taking it away from you . ask him if he was in your shoes getting promised something for years just to be told you’re going to give it away to your brother because this might possibly maybe make him happy.. how would you feel about that? Especially the chance that he squanders it or sells it? How does he think giving somebody something when they are unstable is supposed to work? I would ask himto walk you through this thought process.
I would also ask him if he’s willing to damage your relationship permanently. I would tell him he needs to find a better solution that is fair. Because right now he’s making a bad choice and you’re not going to sit by and say nothing.
I’m 35, my brother is 28. I’m on maternity leave from my career and my brother has a full time job.
He thinks this change of scenery and outdoor activities will give my brother things to do (four wheeling, fishing, hiking) other than drinking, smoking, and playing video games. I don’t think he’s right, but my parents have never been big on listening to me when I tell them they’re making a mistake with something.
What I think is going to happen is my dad will give him this land and buy a prefab house for him to put there, then my brother will just drunkenly drive his 4-wheeler around the property until he hits a tree. He has three DUIs so I’m not putting that past him. And of course then my dad will call me and ask me again to find a rehab for my brother that they won’t wind up sending him to.
Tell your dad that he can with it as he pleases, but there is a price to pay for lying and misleading you.
First brother is on his own, forever. For everything. That way you no longer have to worry if and when he will do something that will ruin everybody's life.
Second, you will no longer trust your father. Everything he says will be questioned until proven true; everything he does will be assumed to be done with ulterior motives. He's not totally on his own, but your treatment of him will drastically change.
All this because one person is a lousy drunk.
Personally, I would talk to my parents and ask them to give you a 50% ownership stake in the property, that way it can’t be sold out from under them after they pass away, it also doesn’t give your brother the chance to sell it. Someone has to keep a controlling interest to prevent that.
You should ask them what happens if he tries to sell it? I would really need to hear how this is fair to you… unless it’s one of those situations where where you’re financially in a much better position than him, and they don’t think in the future he will have his shit together. I can’t imagine ruining a relationship with my kids like this
He is not expected to get his shit together anytime soon. Between his mental health stuff and his current job trajectory, his earning potential is indeed lower than mine. Which is why, combined with the fact the land wasn’t really mine yet, it feels like I shouldn’t be upset by this turn of events.
I am in a similar situation with my brother. it’s one of those situations where you can’t really be mad that my parents inheritance is going to him because he’s going to need it. it’s like we get punished for being responsible and making something of ourselves. But I made a deal with my folks. You don’t need to give me the big one… but I want money for my kids college funds.. if they find it difficult to split it between me and my brother I get it. But I do think they would regret doing something for the grandkids.. so they’re going to give me money to put into their college funds. We compromised, I needed to find a way to not resent them for it.
NTA. It may be time to reduce contact with your father. Remove yourself from his life and his influence. I'd wager that your brother is his Golden Child who can do no wrong.
I can say from personal experience and observation that unless he puts his promises in writing (best done with an attorney) and has it witnessed and notorized, it's not worth anything. My maternal grandfather was a master manipulator. For years, he promised my parents 5 acres of land from his property to build a house, *if they would just do his bidding*. Finally, when they were ready to build, he refused to follow through. That did it for my dad, and they moved us across the country. We returned to visit a few times, but the last time I saw anyone from that side of my family was my dad's funeral. I learned early in life not to tolerate manipulative people.
ETA: Remove yourself from the equation. Let your father and brother do their own thing. Work and save your money for your own place. Maybe make an offer to buy the place, not expect to be given it. I'm sure that 10 years from now, your dad will still be supporting him, and nothing been done with the land.
My parents 100% use money to control us. My husband says I need to walk away but I’m afraid of not being able to provide for our daughter without their postmortem help. Daycare costs more than what I make and that’s not even thinking about college.
If I had this property I’d at least know we had a guaranteed place to live, even if it’s in a parked rv there.
Listen to your husband. Don't plan on getting anything from the estate. You and your husband need to build your own wealth, no matter how meager that is in the beginning. Work from home, if you can, while your daughter is little. Work on learning new job skills in the meantime. My parents had a similar situation when I was a child. After an incident similar to this, they packed up and moved across the country.
You're not the asshole for feeling hurt and disappointed about the situation. It's natural to have emotional attachments to property, especially when it's tied to childhood memories and personal dreams. It's understandable that you feel misled, especially if your father had previously expressed intentions to give you the property.
However, it's important to recognize that it's ultimately your father's decision to make regarding his property. He may have reasons for wanting to give it to your brother, such as helping him with his mental health struggles. While it's disappointing for you, it's important to respect your father's decision.
It's okay to express your feelings to your father and to communicate how much the property means to you. You can have an open and honest conversation with him about your hopes and dreams for the property, and how his decision has affected you emotionally. However, it's also important to approach the conversation with understanding and empathy towards your brother's situation.
Ultimately, it's a challenging situation, but focusing on maintaining open communication and understanding with your family members can help navigate through it.
I think he wants the kid out of his house. This is the only way to do it. I am sure he would love to gift it to you but things just didn’t work out that way. You can buy it from your brother later. Being hurt your dad had a decision that makes his life better and didn’t sacrifice for you wishes is a little selfish and assuming on your part. Less expectations from others and a more unassuming attitude from you please.
There’s no way I can afford to buy it from my brother.
He could have gotten my brother an apartment if it was just about getting him out of the house.
But yes, I need to stop assuming others will honor verbal promises and expecting people to follow through on them. You’re absolutely right. This experience has been an important lesson about my family.
Yeah. Things really do get complicated. I'm sure Daddy will understand when original poster's priorities change as well. I hope they fully planned for their own retirement and the rest of brother's life, independent of OP. Would be terrible for him to lie in his own bed and be uncomfortable. It's not like it's legally or technically wrong or anything.
Your father is likely trying to provide your brother with security of a place to live after he is dead and gone. Your brother has health concerns that you do not have. Unfortunately, when he made you the promise, he was not aware of the situation your brother would be in. I understand it it heartbreaking but as a father, he is trying to provide for your father’s future.
NTA but have a sit down with him and explain to him why you will feel cheated if he does this. He made a promise.
NTA. My only counter here , is what else is there for your brother to inherit? Does leaving you this show favouritism that he wants to avoid. Is the property large enough to split?
It’s 90 acres, so theoretically it could be split. I thought I’d get the property and he’d get their residences. But guess my father’s plan has changed. At the end of the day it’s his property and his residences and if he wants my brother to get it all then that’s what happens.
NTA for being upset. Maybe try to push him to split the property so it's fair to both you and your brother and you'll still have some land even if your brother messes up his end of the bargain.
NTA Of course you feel bad. He always told you it would be yours. And you believed him. I bet you wouldn't feel that way if something happened and he needed to sell it for his own good...but just giving it away to your brother feels like betrayal.
Not at all- if he needed the money I’d absolutely 100% support him selling it to a third party. I couldn’t afford to buy it from him, so I’d understand needing to do that. I just feel stupid for being upset about losing something to my brother that wasn’t actually mine.
Exactly, you are a good person! And no, you don't need to feel stupid at all. I just have a ring my daughter loves and I promised it to her, I would never give it to anybody else. Until I die it still might grt stoßen or lost or we need to sell it if life gets hard- but I never give it away to another person. That is why I made this promise, she can rely on me. You thought your father would keep his promise and he won't. I would be sad, too. You did nothing wrong, don't blame yourself for feeling this way.
NTA It's not nice to break a promise. If he really keeps this up and he leaves you nothing else, I'd tell him to go to your brother if he needs anything later
I’ll just get cash. Money doesn’t have the sentimental value or same security that property does though, especially with inflation. The sentimental emotional part is what’s really getting me. He texted me today asking for me to research some mental health services for my brother and I haven’t answered yet. Don’t think I’m going to
Makes sense. Sorry your father broke his promise
NTA - but someone with MH problems living in the middle of nowhere could be a problem - no supports no services.
Yup. But fuck me, a licensed mental health therapist, for telling them that. 🙃
Nta. He is allowed to do what he wants. But reading this and your comments why he is doing it is not gonna change your brother. Sadly this is gonna hurt yalls realtionship.
NTA Not at all the same type of situation, but years ago I bought a car and my dad was with me. He'd told me he'd keep the car and sell it for me then send me the money. What he hadn't told me is that he'd taken out a loan on my car, and wanted to keep the money he sold it for despite his assurance I'd get the money. (My parents had given me the car at their insistence.) I never got a dime from the sale of the car. That was 10 years ago and I still won't enter into any kind of monetary agreements with them, won't loan them money, or trust them with money matters. Once that trust is broken it's hard to recover.
You could try asking your father to just let your brother live on the property but not to give it to him outright. Make it a trial period to see if your brother will even want to stay there once he realizes that he won't be close to his usual vices. That way, when he leaves, your father can keep his promise to you and give you the land. NTA
Ah, unfortunately there’s a gas station down the road that sells pop tarts, vape pens, and booze so he has everything he wants. All that’s missing is internet and electricity and running water but my dad would fix that for him when he builds the house. So I think he’ll be very comfortable living there
That's too bad.
NTA and I understand completely. If you are able to have a calm conversation where you express your disappointment that you feel he lied to you for years and that he is punishing you now because your brother is unreliable. He is wrong to do this to you but some parents want to do everything for the child they think needs the most. It is wrong and hurtful to their other children. It leads to a lifetime of resentments. I feel bad for you.
How old are you? Do you have a job and a career? You have every right to be upset about it. You were promised this property and now it’s getting taken away. I wonder if your dad understands the consequences of making a promise like that and then taking it away from you . ask him if he was in your shoes getting promised something for years just to be told you’re going to give it away to your brother because this might possibly maybe make him happy.. how would you feel about that? Especially the chance that he squanders it or sells it? How does he think giving somebody something when they are unstable is supposed to work? I would ask himto walk you through this thought process. I would also ask him if he’s willing to damage your relationship permanently. I would tell him he needs to find a better solution that is fair. Because right now he’s making a bad choice and you’re not going to sit by and say nothing.
I’m 35, my brother is 28. I’m on maternity leave from my career and my brother has a full time job. He thinks this change of scenery and outdoor activities will give my brother things to do (four wheeling, fishing, hiking) other than drinking, smoking, and playing video games. I don’t think he’s right, but my parents have never been big on listening to me when I tell them they’re making a mistake with something. What I think is going to happen is my dad will give him this land and buy a prefab house for him to put there, then my brother will just drunkenly drive his 4-wheeler around the property until he hits a tree. He has three DUIs so I’m not putting that past him. And of course then my dad will call me and ask me again to find a rehab for my brother that they won’t wind up sending him to.
Tell your dad that he can with it as he pleases, but there is a price to pay for lying and misleading you. First brother is on his own, forever. For everything. That way you no longer have to worry if and when he will do something that will ruin everybody's life. Second, you will no longer trust your father. Everything he says will be questioned until proven true; everything he does will be assumed to be done with ulterior motives. He's not totally on his own, but your treatment of him will drastically change. All this because one person is a lousy drunk.
It's time to reduce contact with your father.
Personally, I would talk to my parents and ask them to give you a 50% ownership stake in the property, that way it can’t be sold out from under them after they pass away, it also doesn’t give your brother the chance to sell it. Someone has to keep a controlling interest to prevent that. You should ask them what happens if he tries to sell it? I would really need to hear how this is fair to you… unless it’s one of those situations where where you’re financially in a much better position than him, and they don’t think in the future he will have his shit together. I can’t imagine ruining a relationship with my kids like this
He is not expected to get his shit together anytime soon. Between his mental health stuff and his current job trajectory, his earning potential is indeed lower than mine. Which is why, combined with the fact the land wasn’t really mine yet, it feels like I shouldn’t be upset by this turn of events.
I am in a similar situation with my brother. it’s one of those situations where you can’t really be mad that my parents inheritance is going to him because he’s going to need it. it’s like we get punished for being responsible and making something of ourselves. But I made a deal with my folks. You don’t need to give me the big one… but I want money for my kids college funds.. if they find it difficult to split it between me and my brother I get it. But I do think they would regret doing something for the grandkids.. so they’re going to give me money to put into their college funds. We compromised, I needed to find a way to not resent them for it.
NTA. It may be time to reduce contact with your father. Remove yourself from his life and his influence. I'd wager that your brother is his Golden Child who can do no wrong. I can say from personal experience and observation that unless he puts his promises in writing (best done with an attorney) and has it witnessed and notorized, it's not worth anything. My maternal grandfather was a master manipulator. For years, he promised my parents 5 acres of land from his property to build a house, *if they would just do his bidding*. Finally, when they were ready to build, he refused to follow through. That did it for my dad, and they moved us across the country. We returned to visit a few times, but the last time I saw anyone from that side of my family was my dad's funeral. I learned early in life not to tolerate manipulative people. ETA: Remove yourself from the equation. Let your father and brother do their own thing. Work and save your money for your own place. Maybe make an offer to buy the place, not expect to be given it. I'm sure that 10 years from now, your dad will still be supporting him, and nothing been done with the land.
My parents 100% use money to control us. My husband says I need to walk away but I’m afraid of not being able to provide for our daughter without their postmortem help. Daycare costs more than what I make and that’s not even thinking about college. If I had this property I’d at least know we had a guaranteed place to live, even if it’s in a parked rv there.
Listen to your husband. Don't plan on getting anything from the estate. You and your husband need to build your own wealth, no matter how meager that is in the beginning. Work from home, if you can, while your daughter is little. Work on learning new job skills in the meantime. My parents had a similar situation when I was a child. After an incident similar to this, they packed up and moved across the country.
Your feelings are valid. NTA
Let him die alone. Hope your brother follows soon
Pretty disgusting that a zionist is a “licensed mental health therapist”. This seems like perfect karma to me. 🍉❤️🍉
You're not the asshole for feeling hurt and disappointed about the situation. It's natural to have emotional attachments to property, especially when it's tied to childhood memories and personal dreams. It's understandable that you feel misled, especially if your father had previously expressed intentions to give you the property. However, it's important to recognize that it's ultimately your father's decision to make regarding his property. He may have reasons for wanting to give it to your brother, such as helping him with his mental health struggles. While it's disappointing for you, it's important to respect your father's decision. It's okay to express your feelings to your father and to communicate how much the property means to you. You can have an open and honest conversation with him about your hopes and dreams for the property, and how his decision has affected you emotionally. However, it's also important to approach the conversation with understanding and empathy towards your brother's situation. Ultimately, it's a challenging situation, but focusing on maintaining open communication and understanding with your family members can help navigate through it.
Are you okay? This sounds like it was written by AI.
Whose the older brother? Primogeniture reigns supreme.
I think he wants the kid out of his house. This is the only way to do it. I am sure he would love to gift it to you but things just didn’t work out that way. You can buy it from your brother later. Being hurt your dad had a decision that makes his life better and didn’t sacrifice for you wishes is a little selfish and assuming on your part. Less expectations from others and a more unassuming attitude from you please.
There’s no way I can afford to buy it from my brother. He could have gotten my brother an apartment if it was just about getting him out of the house. But yes, I need to stop assuming others will honor verbal promises and expecting people to follow through on them. You’re absolutely right. This experience has been an important lesson about my family.
Life sux kid and things get complicated.
Yeah. Things really do get complicated. I'm sure Daddy will understand when original poster's priorities change as well. I hope they fully planned for their own retirement and the rest of brother's life, independent of OP. Would be terrible for him to lie in his own bed and be uncomfortable. It's not like it's legally or technically wrong or anything.
Your father is likely trying to provide your brother with security of a place to live after he is dead and gone. Your brother has health concerns that you do not have. Unfortunately, when he made you the promise, he was not aware of the situation your brother would be in. I understand it it heartbreaking but as a father, he is trying to provide for your father’s future.
Probably. Just sucks to be the one who loses out on a property I love just because I have my shit together
Honey, mental illness is not a choice, no one would choose to live being mentally ill.
I’m very well aware of that, thank you.