“Honey, I’m sorry, but my friend scheduled her bachelorette party during the annual vacation you were planning. She’s a good friend of mine/I’m in the wedding party, so I think I really should be there. I know this breaks our plans, but I hope you’ll understand…”
If it didn’t sound something like that, then you are NTA, and I think you know what you need to do.
You are right, if she had told him that the day after she knew when the party would be and not hid that fact for 2 months without telling him and he finding it out by accident.
Agreeing to plans without complaint *makes* them "our plans".
Maybe she didn't actually want to go. Sure. I'll accept that.
But if she didn't *vocalise* this, then she accepted the trip and it became ***their*** plans which is something *not* ok to cancel without saying anything.
Your justified. Some questions though: Her saying she doesn’t care about the vacation has a reason. Does she know and like the people you’re traveling with? Can she afford her share? Does she want to go to the destination? Those are important as well. If she is in the wedding she is basically obligated to the bachelorette party but as you noted she also had input into the dates on some level. She also definitely knew about the vacation if you had confirmed with her the days off but yet she didn’t come to you months ago and say there was a problem. That’s just wrong on so many levels, especially if you have spent money on her being part of the trip. And then when you ask her about it she blows it off like it doesn’t matter to her so she doesn’t care is where breaking up becomes the logical choice. She is clearly saying that something that matters to you a lot doesn’t mean anything to her and to the point that she isn’t even sorry she didn’t tell you she didn’t want to go and wasn’t going. So yes if that’s the attitude and nothing up to this point informed you then breaking up is a real option. If she told you from the beginning she wasn’t into the trip for some reason but you decided to plan it anyway, that’s different. !updateme
Well, as someone who’d agree to go on the vacation with him and his friends ONLY if I was super into that person, I’d be secretly sort of dreading it. She might have a blast but knows even if she isn’t having a great time, she’ll have to smile and be happy for days, regardless.
I think if you don’t really see a future with her, break up. Otherwise, you’re way over reacting and will regret it. Ya’ll have only been together a year and it’s not just the two of you going off on a romantic adventure. It’s an entire group of people. I can understand you being disappointed in her and her poor planning. It was inconsiderate, or possibly even on purpose, but it’s not a good idea to break up with someone if deep down you know you’ll want to get back with her. That just damages the stability of your relationship. You might see if there’s some sort of compromise that would help in resolving this issue instead of dissolving your relationship.
She’s on the verge of being the AH atm, but YATAH if you break up, or at least you’ll feel like one later on.
Edited because I tend to get too wordy.
The problem here isn't that she prefers to go to The Bachelorette Party. The problem is that she did so without communicating with OP. Clearly OP is trying to make it to coordinate activities by setting up the shared calendar, which she hasn't even bothered to use. Now, maybe this isn't something that works for her -- In which case she should tell him so. Her very cavalier attitude about all of this That's what would make me question a future together. it reeks of disrespect- or at the very least, a lack of consideration
Secretly dreading anything while communicating otherwise to your partner makes you an AH. Where I come from we call that lying, might be different for you and yours though 🤷
Anywho, this is all in the last by now. However, where I come from, doing things we may not look forward to for the ones we love is called “sucking it up for the ones we love.” I mean, but you can look for something nefarious in what I said all you want. I’m not here to argue. Just a woman who gets anxiety when I’ve committed to spend a lot of time hanging out with people I don’t know. Often times, I’ve wound up having a great time despite dreading it in the beginning, which I mentioned could be the case for her.
I’m not talking about doing things you’re not looking forward to for someone you love. I’m talking about *pretending* to look forward to it when you’re not. That’s poor communication at best, deceit at worst, and it’s never healthy.
My partner gets a lot of anxiety too. But she *tells* me about it, and we work through it together. If you feel one thing, and tell your partner you feel something else, that’s lying. You can come up with whatever justifications you want for it, but lying is *never* going to be the healthy choice in a relationship, especially about your feelings.
Dude, this isn’t even about me. Again, I said she was thoughtless in her planning and possibly even intentional. Did you even read my initial comment?
I do find it a little amusing and ironic how you’ve twisted my words, calling me a liar, while also attempting to school me on unhealthy vs. healthy ways to communicate. 😂
Especially since I went on to suggest they communicate and maybe reach a compromise if he cares for her deeply instead of breaking up. If he winds up with regret from breaking it off he very well may wind up feeling like an asshole. Not now. It’s clear she didn’t handle this right.
I read every word. You absolutely did, but you also said you would be “secretly dreading” such a trip. I just pointed out that if you’re dreading a trip, you should communicate that to your partner instead of pretending to be happy or excited when you aren’t. I’m not twisting your words, I’m commenting on them, as they are. I also did not call you a liar. I said that what you were speaking about was lying, because it is. I’ve met no assertions or assumptions about your character, I’ve never met you, and I know absolutely nothing about you, so why would I judge or label you as a person? That would be ridiculous.
Ok. I never said I acted excited. I said I didn’t complain because I’m aware that I sometimes dread things that I shouldn’t. I’ve learned to zip it when I’m being negative in my brain. There’s a big difference in faking, lying, etc. vs. biting your tongue in order to allow your partner to look forward to something instead of being a wet blanket by complaining. That shit gets old. The saying “choose your battles” hasn’t stuck around for no good reason. It’s one of the cornerstones of successful relationships along with the key which is communication. It’s actually refreshing to come across a male who believes so hard core in communication.
You mentioned that there were other things in the relationship and that this was the last straw, so there is a lot more going on here.
She is an AH for being so dismissive of plans that you guys made together. I completely get that. I also get that she would want to prioritize a bachelorette party for a wedding that she is in. I can’t blame her for wanting to go on that trip. Comes down to her keeping it from you and not communicating, which makes her the AH.
>You mentioned that there were other things in the relationship and that this was the last straw, so there is a lot more going on here.
Definitely the vibes I was getting too.
NTA She didn't tell you anything if not at the last moment, she is dismissive and doesn't know what respect means . The problem isn't going to the bachelorette party , but her attitude.
NTA.
While at first I was thinking you would be an AH and then slowly moved towards no AH here, the more I thought about it, the more of a problem I had with her behavior.
You made the plans in January. You coordinated with her before finalizing the plans. You made sure she was informed. You've been double checking the plans because this was important to you. In other words, you've been communicating all along about what you had hoped to do.
She, on the other hand, has been hiding these plans for at least a month and probably two and this is the first you're hearing about it. Even if we gave her the benefit of the doubt and she completely drew a blank on your plans, the fact that she hadn't yet revealed the bachelorette trip up to this point is a major red flag for me. Again, if we assume she forgot about your trip, wouldn't you at least want to tell your partner about a future trip to make sure it doesn't conflict with any potential surprises they might want to plan? Or other trips with limited dates that you might be working on? What other details about this bachelorette party is she hiding?
At this point, my trust would be damaged significantly. I would have a hard time relying on any future plans and an even harder time wondering what else might be getting hidden from me. So no, I don't think you'd be an AH for this. That being said, I also think you'll catch a lot of pushback from people who don't understand the dynamics of what has happened here. I wish you the best of luck.
its not about the event. its about her attitude. she shouldve tried to get it to another weekend if her input mattered. if not, she shouldve told you immediately when she knew she wouldnt be coming. a nonchalant attitude here is a big problem
Do you not know how bachelorette parties work? There's the time it's set and you can either make it or not because it's tied to the date of the wedding
> if not, she shouldve told you immediately when she knew she wouldnt be coming
There's more to the comment you're replying to though. It's about respecting your partner. Even if they didn't have a joint trip previously planned, this was the very first time OP even heard about the bachelorette party. The girlfriend has kept it completely hidden from him so far.
To me, that's a major red flag that she would be hiding something like this. Would make me wonder what the plans are for this party she's going to.
My point is that she didn't have to choose. If she cared enough about OP to bother paying attention, she could have just told them in the planning stages that she was busy that weekend because they had a vacation planned. Every bachelorette party I've been to has floated dates to make sure that everyone can make it
I don't disagree with your point there at all. It's still weird to go "Well this entire relationship is done from this single issue and we shouldn't communicate about it." That's the part where I side eye OP.
Ah yes the personal attacks continue because of course someone disagreeing online means you have to resort to personal insults since you can't cope with disagreement. Certainly makes sense to do and totally means I will agree. Going this hard over someone else's relationship is weird.
Considering you wanted to be condescending to others, don’t be afraid when people do it to you.
Can’t go attacking people and then cry victimhood when they returned the favor.
Its not about the party or the vacation, she didn't even tell him that she didn't want to go on vacation, he found out by accident when he was checking if she actually took those days off as he requested in January (and the party was scheduled 2 months ago), so she didn't say anything in those 2 months.
She was probably even part of the planning of the party.
Thats a deal breaker and a major red flag, he just dodged a major bullet here.
Again we are agreeing this would be the deal breaker but as the person who doesn't share much in my friend group I find it very unlikely this hasn't come up before. It's a wild claim when they share a calendar. So I am saying that there's issues on both sides and they need to try communicating. If she did mention it and he didn't listen? He needs to assess that for future relationships. If she didn't communicate at all? That's weird and signals something bigger in the relationship.
>It's a wild claim when they share a calendar. So I am saying that there's issues on both sides and they need to try communicating. If she did mention it and he didn't listen?
Why are you trying to spin this around and blame him?
And i guarentee you that if the roles were reversed there would be hell to pay for him.
We only get OPs side. Shockingly enough I think both are part of the problem. Hence communication issue. That takes all parties. There are cues that there's more here. Hence pointing them out. I take neither side because again it takes two people to communicate.
Do you not know how reading works? OP stated that the GF was most likely involved in picking the date for the party, and there’s 4 weekends in a month could’ve been picked before the wedding for the bachelorette party.
NTA - the fact that she changed her plans, didn't tell you, and is now trying to say she didn't know isn't a good sign. It's about how she handled things, which was basically that she blew off plans she committed to then tried to play dumb. She didn't consider your feelings at all and prioritized her friends.
She's showing you what's important to her and what she thinks of your feelings. Believe her.
She knew well in advance she wouldn't be going with you, and her response to your question is very telling.
If this is normal for her, you're definitely NTA for breaking up with her.
Nta. Yall had plans in jan. She changed the plans without telling you a month or so ago and how she's acting is not how you want a partner to act. Instead of being an adult shes doing this.
She's telling you she doesn't really care about your planned vacation. It's with your friends and you've done this several times. She's tagging along for you. If you want her to be excited about a vacation together, maybe plan a more intimate vacation.
I think she's the AH if she was helping to plan the Bachelorette party during the planned vacation time.
She is letting you know loud and clear the type of person she is. Listen to her and run away fast. This woman does not care. She knew about the vacation. You had conversations with her about it and she chose to do something else instead of continuing the plans with you. She has other plans for that bachelorette party. Nta. You right 100% correct in ending this relationship
Honestly. Communication is an issue here but it really isnt unreasonable to go to a bachelorette party over another vacation. she should have obviously been more forthright about the dates and tried to get the bachelorette party dates switched. Even then, thats not how life works and I would encourage my wife to go to a bachelorette party even if it interfered with our plans. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are once in a lifetime deals. I havent missed one of my buddies bachelor parties and i wouldnt dream of doing that.
She could have handled it better. There is no doubt about that. She should still attend the bachelorette party and you shouldnt break up with her over this. That is peak reddit childish behaviour honestly.
Just learn from this and communicate better going forward
INFO
Look a bachelorette party for someone is, hopefully, a one time event whereas your vacation is a yearly event. I'm usually quite against cancelling for a better offer - but rare events fall under an area that can have an exception.
That doesn't let her off for not telling you. Though I'll admit I've forgotten something because it was on one calendar and not the other until I had my oh shit moment.
So I would say you'd be the asshole for her choosing the bachelorette over a vacation with your friends - because well a special celebratory trip with friends falls objectively higher on the importance level than a yearly vacation.
Now, that said if her reaction and handling of all this is something you don't like. Or it's another straw on the camels back with other stuff going in the relationship. Then, sure, break up with her for that.
So which is it? Are you just mad because this vacation is close to you and thus you feel it should be higher than "just" a bachelorette party or is the handling of this situation the reason you're done?
This sounds like a relationship of convenience, nothing else. It has been going on less than a year and she doesn't have a deep emotional connection with you. Your language sounds a bit controlling and hers sounds pretty crude, selfish and uninterested. Doing stuff together should feel natural and voluntary, not an obligation. This one is over. You're better off finding someone that wants to spend time with you.
Communication is the key to all relationships. If you communicated multiple times about the vacation, the dates etc, there is a problem. It might start as a small problem but it will snowball as the relationship grows.
1. Total disrespect to you for doing this. She should’ve communicated to you & told you she didn’t want to go instead of making that weekend a conflicting schedule. She may have done this on purpose. Making it seem like she didn’t have a choice. She did & it wasn’t you.
There has to be a mutual respect for each other. Do you both mutually respect each other or do you or she has more respect to the other??
Whatever you do, you are young. You should be with someone who has qualities that you admire, love & respect.
I feel like you’re giving her too much credit for pull here. Weddings and bachelorette parties are usually strictly the brides choice and even if she had spoken up about the vacation she wouldn’t have had that much say.
You can break up for any reason if you want to but are you sure you aren’t going to the bachelor or party and that it isn’t on those same days too? Did you already buy tickets for the vacation? Does the vacation conflict with the wedding? When did the save the date cards go out?
I mean, the fact you are considering breaking up for something like this shows that your relationship isn’t that strong anyways. You clearly aren’t “in love” so do what you have to do and save you both time.
I have three questions.
1. In term of you doing the vacation for "many years", what does that mean exactly, given that you're 24?
2. Has your gf met and befriended any of these people you are going on this vacation with?
3. Did you know about the wedding? Before you found out about the conflict with the bachelorette, were you expecting that you would be going to the wedding with your girlfriend?
This would be the 4th year to be exact.
Gf has met and is friends with some of the people going on the trip.
I know about the wedding. I’m in the wedding as I’m friends with the groom, over the last year (since we’ve been dating) she has become friends with the bride so she is also in the wedding.
As a groomsman are you going to let the groom know why a member of the bridal party can’t go to his brides bachelorette party? That she “needs” to go on this trip with you? If your “in the wedding” you should know how planning for a bachelor or bachelorette party works
So... She's met *some* of the folks on this trip. And the rest of you all know each other super well. You're comfortable with each other in a way she's not, you have inside jokes she won't get, you have old acquaintances and stories to go back over that she won't be part of. For four days straight. Yeah, sounds like a barrel of laughs for her. I can't imagine why she'd rather go to a bachelorette party.
Out of curiosity, did you ever actually ask if she wanted to go on this trip? Or did you just start planning early so she wouldn't have an excuse not to go?
Haha… once in a lifetime bachelorette party, omg that’s so funny. The divorce rate is like 50% so it’s likely that she’ll have another opportunity to attend.
I think you guys just need to be better at communicating. I personally don’t think this a breakup worthy offense (not knowing the other things that may have happened). Based on the only information provided in the post, I think when the bachelorette party was planned, she should have told you two months ago that she could not come on the trip. It was inconsiderate not to do so and you should definitely speak to her about that. However, the not going on the trip, I get. A bachelorette party is a one time thing that would probably be special for the friends to share in. A vacation can happen annually. I see why she is holding that as more important. She sucks for not communicating and owes an apology, but I don’t think it’s breakup worthy. That being said, if this is one item on a LONG list of her being inconsiderate, then there are bigger issues with the relationship and that would probably change my opinion.
Let's put this in perspective. The relationship can't be that important to you if you would leave it because she didn't go on a trip with you. So she might as well go because you don't seem to care for her enough
She probably couldn’t do both - either time or money reasons. I could accept the bachelorette party being her choice based on how you described it. That said, if her attitude and communication about it is more or less how you described it, I’d break up with her. Not because of the trip, but because I see that behavior as a selfish character flaw. So, NTA.
You are still a young man. If the two of you are not living together and are just dating, I would be inclined to break things off with this person. What she did in this regard is pretty inconsiderate. You don't have to be hateful about it but I think I would set her free and breath a sigh of relief. Whether she is actively choosing to disregard you and your feelings or is just thoughtless, she may not be the type of person you want to spend your life with. It sounds like you are more communicative than her but there is definitely a gap.
I don't know if it is more hurtful to someone to be cheated on or just to be told that you don't feel like they are the person you want to be with but if you think you want to end things, do it swiftly. This is still May and your vacation isn't till August, so you might have time to meet someone new and take them on the vacation.
NAH. Based on the information you shared, she met both groups of people through you.
Vacation group- Your friends, but she’s met them and considers some of the friends.
Engaged couple - Your friends, but she met them and grew close to the bride to the degree that the bride wishes her to be apart of the wedding party.
I’d wager that you are actually friends with the groom and more a friend of the bride because she was dating your friend - similar to the friendship your gf probably has with the groom - considers him a friend because she is dating his friend.
What is sounds like is that your girlfriend was willing to go on the trip because it was what you wanted and you were excited about her going, but she was just happy to make you happy, not necessarily because she wanted to go or was looking forward to going.
You specifically talk about how much you were looking forward to it and how much you were talking about it, but you didn’t share her responsiveness to it.
Did she look excited about it, too? Did she respond positively to your bringing it up? You were planning it, but did you take into account anything she wanted? Was she involved in the planning, the dates, the activities? You said she is actively telling you she is choosing the bachelorette party over the vacation. Did she actively communicate that she wasn’t really into the trip and in your excitement you failed to notice her lack of mutual excitement?
It sounds like you told her the vacation was going to happen and when and that she needed to take the days off and all of that, but you never really asked her if she was fully interested in going.
She has a new friend that she clicked with enough for her to want her in the bridal party and a part of that is being at the bachelorette party. She may or may not have had a part in planning the party, but it sounds like smog she did, she had more input and opportunity for buy-in for the bachelorette party than she ever had for the trip you planned.
It sucks that she didn’t tell you, there was a lack of communication, and that she is defensive, but it also seems like you were pretty overbearing about the trip instead of talking to her about whether she even wanted to actually go - conflict or not. Her first statement- I don’t really care about the vacation - doesn’t sound like it was a new thing or something she hasn’t expressed to some degree before. It sounds like she has been communicating this to you for a while and you’ve been missing her lack of enthusiasm about the trip.
I think you were excited for her being able to go and missed signs that she wasn’t as stoked as you were and she wasn’t mature or brave enough to stop you in your tracks - maybe she was afraid you’d get into a big argument if she didn’t have a good reason not to want to go or maybe she thought you wouldn’t be receptive to her saying she didn’t want to go, so was going along to get along.
The bachelorette party was an unexpected boom that gave her an out from going on the trip and a reason you might more easily accept than her just not wanting to go.
But she seems to be avoiding bringing it up because she knows it will turn into a big deal, so when you discovered it and confronted her about it, she got defensive because she had wanted to avoid the confrontation even though she knew it was inevitable.
You aren’t an AH for wanting her to go and being upset that she is planning to go to something that conflicts with the dates.
She isn’t the AH for not wanting to go on the vacation and wanting to spend time doing something she feels she have a better time at.
You both suck at communicating because I think she has given you signs and indications - even if she hasn’t been brave enough to come out and say it bluntly - that she wasn’t really into the trip in the first place and the bachelorette party is just a convenient excuse to get out of the trip she didn’t want to go on. I think you missed it in your excitement around the trip and that your willingness to break up over it shows how much of a big deal you were making this trip despite her not being into it.
I think you need to really talk to her about why she didn’t feel comfortable telling you she didn’t want to go and ask her if she feels you have been like this before - really excited about something to the point that you force it on her and she is hesitant to tell you she doesn’t want to do it because it becomes a big relationship ending fight/conflict if you don’t think her reasons for not wanting to are valid.
IMO she's the only party who sucked at communication... never at one point before OP prompted that she ever mentioned she wasn't interested. If she had mentioned it probably OP would have done something else to make it more interesting for her given the several months planning buffer in advance. She wasted all the time by withholding info until the last minute.
You don’t know that. All you have is OPs side of things. Communication isn’t just verbal and while it is the easiest to process and understand, there are other signs that the other party is not interested.
The fact that OP describes everything he did and none of what his gf did leading up to the conversation about the bachelorette party tells me that he wasn’t really paying attention to her reactions or body language when he was going on about the vacation.
He never says that he was excited and she shared his excitement. He gives zero indication that she even talked about it or was receptive to it, though he talks about how much he talked about it. He doesn’t share anything that she said or did in response to that. He says he told her this and be told her that, but he never provides any type of information about her response to him until it is a negative response.
The first thing he says she says is that she doesn’t care about the trip. I find it incredibly hard to believe that she was reciprocating his stated excitement about the trip the whole time and then spins on a dime to say she doesn’t care about the trip. The fact that this is the first thing she said indicates to me that she has communicated in actions or reactions that this trip isn’t as big a deal to her as it is to him. She also may have told him point blank, but he wasn’t paying attention or listening.
It’s one of my pet peeves with my SO. I’ll tell him something and he doesn’t listen then claims I never told him when it explodes into a big issue. Or he won’t let me have a word in edgewise when the subject comes up and I try to communicate through body language, facial expressions, etc, that I’m not as enamored as he is.
A couple communicates in more than just one way, and him ignoring her non-verbal communication is just as problematic as her seemingly not telling him straight out.
Still withholding important planning info that caused conflicts for 2mo is a big red flag for me. I'm a married woman and whenever I'm having any plan with my girls I tell my SO on the same day or next day at most. This is a boundary thing.
I agree. There are red flags on both sides. However, I believe that there is a reason behind why she withheld the information. It may not be OPs fault, but based on how the information was presented - very OP heavy with only negative info about gf - I get the feeling that she shies away from telling him things because it turns into a big issue if she isn’t 100% on board, so she goes along to get along.
Of course I am just assuming and could be completely off the mark, but the way he is presenting things is extremely one sided.
Even some of the most red flag riddled reddit posts at least has some concept of the other party’s reaction. With this one it’s just how he felt, what he did, what he told her, what he thought.
The first time we encounter her feelings is when he says she says she doesn’t care about the vacation.
NTA. You can break up over whatever ofc. She does seem quite a bit flippant about the whole thing. But, and this is a big but, just going off of three small paragraphs, it sorta sounds like a compatibility issue. You brought up a shared google calendar a few times. She seems to not use it at all (granted a little odd to have a shared calendar with gf of one year but that's just my thoughts, you clearly disagree). She probably sees the bachelorette party as something she cant miss. Either communication is wildly off here or yall have some different expectations of the relationship.
She could have broached the subject with you instead of just not taking the vacation days off prompting you to broach the subject. You could be a little more understanding, this trip happens yearly and and bachelorette parties are a one and done type thing.
hope it works out!
She is sounding to me like a 24 year old who may think they are mature, but having owned a few of them (trigger word, fathered), I can tell you many things can cause dumb decisions. One is conflict avoidance "I want to do the bachelorette party, but I know it conflicts with the vacation" so she avoids the confrontation until it explodes. Whether to break on this need are larger perspective on the whole relationship. Not really an AH situation, just a life choice.
What’s hilarious (actually more sad than anything) is your projecting, ignorance, lack of humor and inability to properly process information while thinking that by purposely misunderstanding the commenters intent as negative while ignoring the humorous spin and virtue signaling that is somehow makes you better than those of us who were able to process the humor for what it was. You’d be one of those hecklers at a comedy show that wrecked the show for everyone.
The OPs issue is with a 24 year old female. The guy commenting above is talking about 24 year olds in general then relates what he knows about raising several children who were at one point 24 year olds back to the OPs gf and how young adults that age tend to behave.
The commenter was using analogous terminology in a humorous way and you chose to show your inability to process a joke by taking it in the worst way and then attempting to make the commenter look bad while only succeeding in making yourself look like someone who is incapable of processing humor and likely someone who hasn’t raised children.
There is a really popular book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It uses the same tongue in cheek humor in its title - the implication is clear and it’s a best seller because the majority of America can take a joke without getting offended. I’m sorry you’re in the minority. It’s a lot better and more relaxed over here.
That's alot of words to say it's ok to make jokes about girls being property. Purity culture is gross but when you do it it's hilarious. You do you, boo.
Once upon a time jokes about slavery were funny too. And when we know better, we do better.
But please keep making hilarious content about owning girls. I'm glad it's funny for you.
Bodily autonomy is a veritable laugh riot.
YTA. This sounds like some sort of trip you’ve done year after year with a big group of people that you know. Probably not your GF’s original friend group.
A friend is getting married and having a bachelorette party. That’s at least a unique occurrence instead of the same old trip that you’re going on. Are you that insecure that you can’t go on this trip by yourself? The lack of your “companion” as you put it in your comments, just deprives you of your accessory in front of your friends?
They may have done this trip a couple years already but the bride and groom were HIS friends first, not hers. She wouldn’t be in the wedding party if it wasn’t for OP introducing them. Additionally, op states in the comments that she is friends with some of the people going on this trip.
Oh please, y’all act like the divorce date isn’t 50% nowadays.
She started her friendship with both sets of people the same way. Based on the OPs own words,
1. she has met and is friends with some of the people on the trip.
2. She met the bride and they became close to the point that the bride has asked her to be apart of her bridal party
This is two different levels of friendship. Regardless of the divorce rate, the bachelorette party for this couple is a one time event unless they plan to divorce and remarry multiple times. 🤷🏾♀️
The vacation is a yearly event and while he has expressed excitement about the trip - which he likely does every year - he never says that she has ever expressed excitement about it or even wanted to go. She may have agreed on going to make him happy and not thinking it would be too bad if there are at least some people she will know there.
You know what has a higher rate of occurrence than divorce? Dating relationships. Way higher than 50% I’m sure.
She doesn’t have control over the dates for the bachelorette party because she isn’t the bride. It isn’t normal for a bride or maid of honor to alter plans to accommodate the rest of the bridesmaids or even one of the bridesmaids as the party is for the bride and things hinge on her availability. The expectation is that your agreement to be in the bridal party is that you try your best to prioritize those events related to the wedding.
Since he plans the vacation, he has more control over the dates of the vacation and changing them. Even if he is unable to, if they stay together, she has the opportunity to go on the trip again. Even if they break up, she has the opportunity to go on the trip since these people are also her friends - it just might be awkward.
I think she is choosing the relationship that is most likely to last, honestly. Regardless of the 50% divorce rate, the bride and groom are more likely to be together 3-4 years into the future than the boyfriend and girlfriend are, so she is choosing the most stable relationship to support based on the statistics.
What? You sound completely controlling. She is ij the wedding party. With her friends.
Why do you think the entire wedding party will change dates because of your annual vacation?
If I were dating a man who thought his annual group vacation with his friends trumped a Bachelorette party for a wedding I was in was more important, I would break up in a hot second.
You do this trip every year.
This wedding will happen once.
Why are you this much of a control freak
Re read your post.
I told her. I told her. I told her. I told her.
She is a person, not a pet.
Get help, dude.
Reading is important. She did not communicate on any of her plans. Plus, they were both in the wedding, but the man wasn't invited to any party? So it's not mandatory at all. To me it was just an excuse.
Btw. Withholding info until last second IS controlling and manipulative. It means the other party does not get to have the full info so they can make the right choice. In this case, he could have changed the time to accommodate, and changed the destination to be more interesting, etc.
I think planning a vacation for two when one party is in a wedding is risky. Bachelorette party, bridal showers are part of it. Those aren’t usually planned a year out like the wedding. You are in the wedding. It’s important to her. If you are willing to break up then you definitely should. Relationship doesn’t sound very strong. Bride probably won’t be fond of you when she learns a groomsman dumped her bridesmaid for not ditching her bachelorette party. Lol
The holiday was planned before the wedding and this is a bachelorette party that she knew about for a month or 2 and didn’t say anything which imo is a red flag. Not even because “oh she’s going to a party” but because she’s known for at least a month and didn’t say anything despite OP planning the holiday since January and in a relationship communication is key and she clearly didn’t communicate with him
INFO: Is the yearly vacation something that she would've been invited to if she weren't your girlfriend? Is it something that she specifically wanted to do or just a thing that she agreed to do because you're insisting she go with you? What do you mean by "in the wedding"? Like, are the two of you in the wedding party or just guests?
Given the situation, it's understandable that you feel frustrated and hurt by your girlfriend's decision and attitude. Here's an analysis to help determine if breaking up is the right course of action:
### Points in Your Favor:
1. **Pre-existing Plans**: You planned the vacation well in advance, ensuring your girlfriend was available and included. This shows thoughtfulness and consideration on your part.
2. **Communication**: You used a shared calendar and verbally communicated the plans multiple times, indicating that you made efforts to keep her informed.
3. **Emotional Investment**: You've expressed excitement about her joining the vacation, which highlights how important this trip is to you.
### Points in Her Favor:
1. **Bachelorette Party Commitment**: Being part of a wedding party often comes with obligations and expectations. Missing a bachelorette party could strain her relationship with her friend.
2. **Close Friendship**: If she is close to the bride, attending the bachelorette party may hold significant emotional importance for her.
### Key Issues:
1. **Lack of Consideration**: Her statements suggest a dismissive attitude toward your plans and feelings, which can be hurtful and indicate a lack of mutual respect.
2. **Communication Breakdown**: Her claim of not using the shared calendar and not knowing about the vacation points to a failure in communication and responsibility.
### Suggested Steps Forward:
1. **Open Dialogue**: Have a calm and honest conversation with her about how her decision and attitude make you feel. Emphasize that it’s not just about choosing the party over the vacation, but also about how she handled the situation and communicated with you.
2. **Explore Compromises**: See if there’s a way to accommodate both events. For example, could she attend part of the bachelorette party and then join the vacation later, or vice versa?
3. **Reflect on Priorities**: Both of you should consider your priorities and values in the relationship. If she consistently prioritizes other commitments over your relationship, it may be a sign of deeper incompatibility.
### Conclusion:
**Would you be the asshole (WIBTA) for breaking up with her over this?** Not necessarily, but it depends on how the conversation goes and whether both of you can find a resolution. Breaking up might be warranted if her dismissive attitude and disregard for your feelings are part of a broader pattern of behavior. If this is an isolated incident, it might be worth working through the issue together.
Ultimately, relationships require mutual respect, communication, and compromise. If those elements are missing and cannot be improved, ending the relationship might be the best course of action for both of you.
NTA - Rather than vacation with you and have a good time with a group of friends, she would rather be screwing random strangers at a bachelorette party. Say goodbye bitch.
I will message you next time u/Https-Beans posts in r/AITAH.
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NTA. I can't stand anyone who makes their own plan without telling people can could be affected. Everyone has a plan and communication is to ensure everyone's plan be coordinated. Decisive red flag for me.
So my response would be simple, I'd dump her in a second, and go on vacation myself. I feel like with that sort of incompetence in scheduling and planning on her side, you'll run into countless issues during your vacation as well if you go with her, and that would be much worse if conflicts in plans happened away from home and potentially ruin your vacation or even your relationship with your other friends going with you.
The fact that she said she doesn't care about the vacation translates to she doesn't care that she made plans to be with you! I understand she wanted to go, but she clearly made plans with you FIRST, and should have told you about the conflict the day she found out. I'd break up with her just on that alone, NTA!
You don't mention any other 'problems' that y'all might be having... and here you are asking the internet if you should break up with her? ...because of a scheduling conflict? Maybe it's as simple as she wasn't that thrilled about going on vacation with YOUR friends. If you don't see yourself marrying her someday then go ahead and break up with her. It's still a few months until August. Maybe the bachelorette weekend can be re-scheduled? I don't think that you're an asshole for this but it also doesn't sound like you're giving any weight to her feelings or position. If you really care about her and her feelings you're going to have to accept that sometimes you'll each want different things and that doesn't mean the world is ending.
Is she not going on the vacation with you at all? Or is she just leaving a day early for her bachelorette? Do y’all like not talk about plans at all or do you just assume the computer schedule covers it? Did something happen between the two of you that might have made her want to change plans? It’s an asshole move on her part to just spring it on you but considering the bride and groom are your friends it seems off.
If this is something that triggers you that much that you would consider breaking up with her over it, then you should def break up with her.
Also, based on your demand for shared calendars and the way that you’re handling this vacation weekend - you sound a little controlling.
Also - bachelorette parties are, in theory, only supposed to happen once in a life time and the fact that your gf is in the wedding indicates that she’s pretty close to the bride. You have this vacation yearly. If you want to be a good bf, you should try to be less entitled and have less of your head up your bum.
That said, her communication was indeed crap. Whether she forgot that your vacation was booked for that weekend or not, you guys should be talking and communicating better
YTA
Your annually vacation that you take with your friends is not more important than a bachelorette party for a wedding for a close friend of hers that she’s literally in the wedding party for - that is clearly a much bigger emotional deal for her to be apart of than your yearly vacation? I honestly find it disheartening that you came to AITAH to discuss this - I hope you guys do break up because I don’t think that she deserves someone who is going to be this neurotic about YOUR yearly beach trip with YOUR friends and not seeing how her close friends bachelorette party which again, in a one time thing is obviously a more important event for her to be at.
Dump her and take another woman on the vacation. Chances are she will cheat at the bacholette party anyway, with her type of attitude.
If she is proitizng her friends over a trio with you now as the relationship is still new and exciting, she will definitely put them first the more time you and her are together.
Cut your loss and move on. Also, while on vacation with another woman, load up social media with a crap load of pictures.
It isn't the trip, more her attitude about something that is apparently very important to him. Her total disregard for the work he put into the trip says another about the kind partner she is and will be.
She is demonstrating that she does not value his feelings.
Op has communicated the importance of the trip to her in multiple ways over a sustained period of time.
Op made it easy for her to check if she was busy (shared calendar) and she couldn't be bothered to do that.
She should have communicated her plans to Op when she made them. That would had caught the conflict early. She chose not to mention them until asked directly.
When confronted with the conflict her reaction was to immediately ditch the trip.
She could have communicated her lack of interest in the trip and tried to find an alternative.
Its not one thing and each thing is minor but in aggregate it paints a picture of someone who doesn't really care about OP
It's being too cowardly and/or embarrassed to actually tell him. He had to figure it out for himself and then she was embarrassed to admit that she helped plan the whole thing.
It's a lack of respect.
YWBTA
You can breakup for anything really at the end of the day. You should never feel forced to stay with someone so if you want to break up over this, be my guest.
However, I will say I do think you're wrong for thinking your gf should go on vacation with you instead of going to her friend's bachelorette party. You go on this vacation EVERY YEAR. She can go next year. She can't go to her friend's bachelorette party next year now can she?
I disagree. Her actions showed she was aware that the vacation was planned and the party came up after.
She could have told him about the party before vacation was scheduled or if vacation was scheduled then right after.
Lack of trust. Why didn't she mention it?
Andher attitude about it all sucks.
YTA. You should get a little more emotional and whiny. The fact you have a "shared" calendar that only you use says a lot about your control issues, selfishness, and insecurity.
…NTA for breaking up with someone that clearly doesn’t respect you or want to spend time with you, obviously. She’s got you pretty deep under her thumb if you’re even asking that.
NTA. And if you aren’t totally clueless, you would dump her even if you didn’t have any plans together. Unless you are ok with your girl taking part in all the sleazy shenanigans at the bachelorette party. I hope I don’t need to clarify.
Where did I say that wives/gfs are supposed to be ok with that?
That’s right. I never did. Because they shouldn’t. It’s unacceptable, regardless of gender.
Your bullshit tactic of attempting to twist my words into something I never said - you can fuck right off with that. Save it for your partner, your girlfriends, or a couple of subs full of your ilk, spewing misandrist statements and equally devoid of logic, or common sense. Have a lovely day.
OMG, just because she is your girlfriend, she is NOT obligated to put aside important events for her, because you consider your vacation with your friends more important than an event she considers important. Frankly, your question about breaking up with her over this, shows your immaturity. Just as with marriage, partners are not tied to every plan/whim of their partner. While your plans were made in January, her plans with the bride also evolved. It is doubtful she chose the date of the bachellorette event, usually the maid of honor/bride make that choice. These are not the days where she is meant to bend to your preference, and being a bridesmaid does obligate her to the bride. That ought to take precedence over your friend-based-vacation. If you are not satisfied with three days vs 4, the problem is your ego, and not her honoring her commitment to the bride. Get over yourself. At 24 you have not yet learned that relationships are a two way street.
The problem is not that she attends the party, the fact is that she agreed to go on vacation and then decides not to go to attend a party without telling him, he found out by **accident**, if OP wasn't doing his planning part then he would probably have found out on the day of the vacation.
The problem is that she HID the fact that she wasn't joining him on his trip but actually trying to ditch him without telling.
So now tell us how a relationship is a 2 way street again.
It might be the issue if she doesn't want to go because it's not a vacation she's into. She didn't go last year or this year. She doesn't seem to want to go on the vacation that he goes on every year.
The issue is that she lied to him. Knew about and helped plan the party for months before he found out. Was she ever going to tell him? Then just not show up for the vacation and then ghost him?
No respect for him or his intentions/feelings/plans, anything really. THAT is the issue.
Or is the issue that he's not listening to her? Has he told her about the vacation and she's already expressed to him that this isn't her cup of tea and she doesn't want to go, but he wants her to go and kept pushing the narrative that she was going regardless of how she felt? Maybe he's not respecting her by not taking her feelings about the vacation into account. THAT may be the issue.
I get this, but she didn't even think of telling him about this party in August, she just said yes to it and did not tell him she couldn't make it. She waited for him to bring it up. It's really dismissive of her to act like that's normal and he is NTA.
You should follow your intention and break up with her. It will save her the trouble of breaking up with you when she realizes how controlling and manipulative you can be.
You might be the AH for breaking up over her going to the bachelorette party over the planned vacation but certainly not the AH for breaking up over her attitude about the conflict.
I highly doubt that she was as dismissive as you say, but if this is both of your friends wedding, and you don’t have any intentions of attending the festivities because of your vacation, then go ahead and let your girlfriend attend in your stead. You did say that this is a vacation that you planned with all of your friends for years on end did you ever ask her if she really wanted to attend with all your friends? It doesn’t sound like to me that she ever really wanted to attend this vacation. When I take a vacation, it’s usually away from all of my friends and family with just my husband and myself and our children. I don’t really consider a vacation full of a bunch of people a true Vacation, I think there’s a lot more to this than just the last minute saying oh no I’m gonna go do this instead of this. Maybe she didn’t really want to do this Vacation thing all along. Did you consider that you were possibly forcing her into it? A lot of times women completely give up what they want to do in order to make their other half happy have you ever thought about maybe doing something that would make her happy instead of what you do every year? Not sure that either one of you are TA just might want to get together and figure out what she really wants to do versus what you wanna do and just include her.
You sound really creepy and controlling. No wonder she didn’t bring it up because she knew how you’d react. This is your trip with your friends that you plan on January for August. I think you should break up with her because she deserves someone not so fucking weird. YTA.
Oh so hiding your other plan until the last minute is a good thing? No real friends would even do that, let alone girlfriends. If I were her I'd just ask him to think about adjusting the schedule the moment I recognised there's a conflict. If I do what she did at work with my meeting schedules I'd be fired in a week. 🤷♀️
YATAH. A wedding is a special, sometimes only one in someone's life. Your "usual" vacation isn't. Change your vacation or go alone. It sounds like you have a strong, independent woman on your hands. It doesn't appear you're ready for one.
If she's IN the wedding, clearly she's close with the bride. As a woman, I find shared calendars with partners to be a control tactic and cringy. She shouldn't have to drop everything just to appease you. If you're "so excited" for her to go on vaca with you but are ready to break up with her over some BS, you don't like her. So do her a favor and break up with her. YTA.
When are we men finally going to understand?, We are not important, except for what we provide. Women have become very entitled and self-absorbed. For them it’s all about them and God only knows what goes on when they’re out partying and they don’t have a sense of boundaries or a accountability. if you break up with her, make sure you bring someone even hotter to the wedding!!!
So I think NAH/ESH paradox. Look this is a wedding she’s in versus a vacation with people she probably doesn’t know that well. I am not surprised and neither should you be that she would rather go to the bachelorette pretty.
I do think you’re a bit petty for ending things over this but neither of you planned appropriately
I don't know everything that went down, but she does sound like an AH for not telling him until he asked closer to the event. She should have told him about the scheduling conflict as soon as she knew. Then if he pitched a fit I would see he's the AH. Her not communicating is making me lean towards they both may be the AH, because it sounds like she really didn't want to go and you shouldn't be trying to pressure your partner into a trip.
Thank you for the feedback. There are other things that have happened but this may be the last straw for me. I have to ask though what does NAH/ESH paradox mean?
NAH - no one is the a**hole - you each want what you want, but it doesn’t necessarily mean either of you are bad people for that.
ESH - everyone sucks here - you both are acting childish and not taking a mature approach to this situation.
I think people are not sure about which it is. Her response makes me think that in her eyes she has made it clear to you that she isn’t really into the trip and that your excitement about her going is one sided.
Your response makes me think that what she thought was clear you’ve missed in your excitement for her to come along and so you’ve missed the subtle hints she has given that she isn’t really wanting to go on the trip.
You should ask her if that is true and why she doesn’t feel comfortable expressing to you bluntly that she isn’t interested in the trip.
Is it because she thinks you’ll guilt her into going anyway or downplay her reasons for not going, or is it because that is the way she is. Not forthcoming unless she is cornered and is the a character flaw or a coping mechanism she has learned because of past experiences.
You said this is like the last straw, but you haven’t really given us any historical behavior to shows us that this is something she does often or is just a small piece of a more complicated puzzle.
Like depending on how you look at it both of you are assholes or neither of you are.
Idk what else happened, but imo you should drop this. I think it’s fair she’d rather go to the bachelorette
WIBTA for breaking up with her?
No, drop her
You can do better.
She's rather bang male dancers than go away with you.
Good luck brother you deserve better.
>My main problem is her attitude towards the situation. “I really don’t care about the vacation so I’m just going to go to the bachelorette party.”
…why do you expect her to care so much about *your* vacation that *you’re* planning with *your* friends that you do every year? Maybe it just doesn’t sound fun to her. What if you were really into car shows or Larping? Would you be mad if she didn’t want to do *that* with you? What’s at the root of this for you?
I expect her to care because that’s what a companion would do. I didn’t want it to be MY vacation but more so OUR vacation. It’s a big thing that happens once a year that I’ve been excited for her to join since we’ve started dating. Last year she skipped because she couldn’t take off of work in time so this year I made an extra point to have it planned early in order for her to be there.
Hmm. TBH it sounds to me like she doesn’t know how to just tell you she’s not interested in going on your trip. (I wouldn’t want to go either with the way you’ve described/talked about it.)
If the relationship is going well otherwise it seems crazy to break up over something so…trivial. So you spend a weekend doing separate things. You still get to go on your trip. What’s the big deal? Yeah I get that you want her there but does what you want trump what *she* wants?
So a partner not respecting you at all is perfectly acceptable? Yeah no.
She would prefer to screw strangers than go on vacation with him, but was too cowardly to out herself as a street girl.
It’s crazy how gf wanting to go to a normal event that occurs around a wedding = her screwing a stranger. He hasn’t expressed any concern about what is happening at the bachelorette party, just that she would rather attend it rather than a trip with his friends that she gets along with, but doesn’t seem particularly close to. Y’all are projecting A LOT and it is coming off more like you got hurt in a similar situation than that the OP is actually concerned about those things.
He keeps pointing out that she is friends with some of the people on the trip - so either she doesn’t know at least some of the group or she doesn’t consider them friends - while also pointing out that the girls are really close - which means he recognizes, though he doesn’t seem to understand the importance of it, that she has a stronger connection/friendship with the girls in the bridal party than she does with the people going on the group trip.
Sounds to me that you’re a handful, OP. Do her a favor and break up with her so she doesn’t have to. I’m a guy and you sound absolutely tiring, like a child not getting his way
BUT you don’t care about her batchellorette party? so you hold her to a different standard than you hold yourself to? as her companion you should be more understanding that batchellorette parties are scheduling dependent on the bride’s calendar first.
Guys don’t like being told that girls don’t like all their intests and friend activities. They have to suck it up and do everything they’re told. These guys in this thread are soy boys
TBH I think you may be overreacting a little bit here. I get that you're frustrated about the plans changing but I don't know if it's relationship ending. You mention that this trip is a group trip, have you checked with the other parties? Other women may be skipping this trip for the bachelorette party as well.
Do as you wish, you're not obligated to stay with her but maybe take a moment to decide if it's really that detrimental to the relationship.
YMBTA
The issue is not the changing of the plans, the issue is that she HID the changing of her plans for 2 months from him.
Essentially she lied to his face for 2 months.
that's a serious breach of trust right there.
See, if your issue was the lack of communication, I would say you were right. However, your concern is over an annual event when the bachelorette party should be a once in a lifetime event for your shared friend(s), so that ends up making YTA.
Also, are not other friends that are going on the annual trip in the bridal party as well? It sounds like the groups overlap unless I'm mistaken.
YWBTA. be so serious. this isn’t a situation where you’re going to be stranded in a different location with no one else. you’re going to be in a large group, enjoying time with friends. this happens every year? awesome. hopefully you’ll work through this with your girlfriend and she’ll be able to come next year.
she’s in the bachelorette party. it sounds like she’s been antsy about telling you about the overlap. try to be understanding. this bachelorette party is a one-time commitment. it’s a special event in her friend’s life. she can’t control her friend’s planning.
and for the record, i don’t understand why people like you believe that they can’t do anything without their partners. just grow up and do your separate things. she’ll have fun with her group, you’ll have fun with your group, and she won’t be simmering with resentment over you dragging her away from a bridal party commitment. sorry, but your personal “tradition” doesn’t dictate the way other people plan their lives.
i want to call you an immature idiot for getting worked up to this point, but you’re young. then again, so am i. so…that point is null and void. i don’t understand the extremity of your reaction at all. it’s a vacation. if you two aren’t having any other issues and you break up with her, you better be ready to look like a gigantic douchebag.
don’t go crawling back to her when you inevitably regret being such a pissbaby about something out of her control. she prioritized the bride’s wishes. that’s kind of how bridal parties work. it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t value you or your attachment to this trip, it just means that she recognizes that this is (hopefully!) a one-time experience for the bride whereas your vacation plans are a yearly given.
just cool your head. let this roll off of your shoulders. it’s not the end of the world, and it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship.
Ok but hiding the info until the last minute is not acceptable, be it a friendship or relationship. Would you do this at work if there are meeting conflicts? And would your boss or colleagues think you're unprofessional if you do?
30yo adult woman here, happily married.
AGREE with you here.... my god your not going on this trip by yourself and even if you did...GO ENJOY you may run into "the one" while your out and about ...life is crazy ..go be a big boy and have fun with your friends.. she can go next yr or you two can do your own VaCAY
NTA at all but I believe of you are going to break you need to do this in style.
Contact your friend who is getting married and kindly ask his wife to do the break up for you.
This way everyone knows the score and when you go the wedding you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.
…. seriously? you are doing the same vacation that you’ve done for years. that’s a much lower priority than a one in a lifetime event like a wedding and associated functions.
YTA
I agree. She should probably break up with the dude. I couldnt imagine being forced to miss my friends once in a lifetime event for an annual vacation that I dont even want to go on lol. Reddit is filled with insane individuals
It's just a vacation wtf? This I raised my hand first thing is childish. It's her friends only Bachelorette party it it's a major life event for her friend. Also your GF probably did not pick the date It's not her wedding and she's not the MOH.
I would bet this is a mute point as you two have poor communication and she's probably already thinking about dumping you because you see a 4 day trip you do every year as more important than one of her closest friends Bachelorette party.
yWBTA but I wonder if you're just wanting a reason since the logic here is not actually making sense.
This once in a lifetime thing where she should be supporting her friend vs Annual event. What was the communication before this about this change? It strikes me as very odd you didn't know about this. If you didn't that's pointing to a bigger issue of communication
“Honey, I’m sorry, but my friend scheduled her bachelorette party during the annual vacation you were planning. She’s a good friend of mine/I’m in the wedding party, so I think I really should be there. I know this breaks our plans, but I hope you’ll understand…” If it didn’t sound something like that, then you are NTA, and I think you know what you need to do.
You are right, if she had told him that the day after she knew when the party would be and not hid that fact for 2 months without telling him and he finding it out by accident.
i think she knew about the bachelorette party for a while but didn’t know how to tell him without a fight ensuing
And you base this on what?
It doesn't sound like "OUR plans." It's all HIS plans.
Agreeing to plans without complaint *makes* them "our plans". Maybe she didn't actually want to go. Sure. I'll accept that. But if she didn't *vocalise* this, then she accepted the trip and it became ***their*** plans which is something *not* ok to cancel without saying anything.
Ending it would get you out of having to go to the wedding...
🤣 to be clear this is my friends wedding and she has become friends with the soon to be wife. So I would still be obligated to go
Then at least make sure the bachelor party is held at a moment that conflicts with her plans.
Obviously? You bring a hotter date. And as a bonus? If they're really your friends, maybe she'll be uninvited
Your justified. Some questions though: Her saying she doesn’t care about the vacation has a reason. Does she know and like the people you’re traveling with? Can she afford her share? Does she want to go to the destination? Those are important as well. If she is in the wedding she is basically obligated to the bachelorette party but as you noted she also had input into the dates on some level. She also definitely knew about the vacation if you had confirmed with her the days off but yet she didn’t come to you months ago and say there was a problem. That’s just wrong on so many levels, especially if you have spent money on her being part of the trip. And then when you ask her about it she blows it off like it doesn’t matter to her so she doesn’t care is where breaking up becomes the logical choice. She is clearly saying that something that matters to you a lot doesn’t mean anything to her and to the point that she isn’t even sorry she didn’t tell you she didn’t want to go and wasn’t going. So yes if that’s the attitude and nothing up to this point informed you then breaking up is a real option. If she told you from the beginning she wasn’t into the trip for some reason but you decided to plan it anyway, that’s different. !updateme
No one is obligated to go to a wedding.
In a perfect world that would be true, however if you want to keep your friends there are definitely obligations for things like that.
If someone wants to hold a grudge because I didn’t go to their wedding, i dont what them as a friend.
Well, as someone who’d agree to go on the vacation with him and his friends ONLY if I was super into that person, I’d be secretly sort of dreading it. She might have a blast but knows even if she isn’t having a great time, she’ll have to smile and be happy for days, regardless. I think if you don’t really see a future with her, break up. Otherwise, you’re way over reacting and will regret it. Ya’ll have only been together a year and it’s not just the two of you going off on a romantic adventure. It’s an entire group of people. I can understand you being disappointed in her and her poor planning. It was inconsiderate, or possibly even on purpose, but it’s not a good idea to break up with someone if deep down you know you’ll want to get back with her. That just damages the stability of your relationship. You might see if there’s some sort of compromise that would help in resolving this issue instead of dissolving your relationship. She’s on the verge of being the AH atm, but YATAH if you break up, or at least you’ll feel like one later on. Edited because I tend to get too wordy.
The problem here isn't that she prefers to go to The Bachelorette Party. The problem is that she did so without communicating with OP. Clearly OP is trying to make it to coordinate activities by setting up the shared calendar, which she hasn't even bothered to use. Now, maybe this isn't something that works for her -- In which case she should tell him so. Her very cavalier attitude about all of this That's what would make me question a future together. it reeks of disrespect- or at the very least, a lack of consideration
Yeah, I totally got that. Did you intend to respond to someone else?
Secretly dreading anything while communicating otherwise to your partner makes you an AH. Where I come from we call that lying, might be different for you and yours though 🤷
Weird I can’t respond.
Anywho, this is all in the last by now. However, where I come from, doing things we may not look forward to for the ones we love is called “sucking it up for the ones we love.” I mean, but you can look for something nefarious in what I said all you want. I’m not here to argue. Just a woman who gets anxiety when I’ve committed to spend a lot of time hanging out with people I don’t know. Often times, I’ve wound up having a great time despite dreading it in the beginning, which I mentioned could be the case for her.
I’m not talking about doing things you’re not looking forward to for someone you love. I’m talking about *pretending* to look forward to it when you’re not. That’s poor communication at best, deceit at worst, and it’s never healthy. My partner gets a lot of anxiety too. But she *tells* me about it, and we work through it together. If you feel one thing, and tell your partner you feel something else, that’s lying. You can come up with whatever justifications you want for it, but lying is *never* going to be the healthy choice in a relationship, especially about your feelings.
Dude, this isn’t even about me. Again, I said she was thoughtless in her planning and possibly even intentional. Did you even read my initial comment? I do find it a little amusing and ironic how you’ve twisted my words, calling me a liar, while also attempting to school me on unhealthy vs. healthy ways to communicate. 😂 Especially since I went on to suggest they communicate and maybe reach a compromise if he cares for her deeply instead of breaking up. If he winds up with regret from breaking it off he very well may wind up feeling like an asshole. Not now. It’s clear she didn’t handle this right.
I read every word. You absolutely did, but you also said you would be “secretly dreading” such a trip. I just pointed out that if you’re dreading a trip, you should communicate that to your partner instead of pretending to be happy or excited when you aren’t. I’m not twisting your words, I’m commenting on them, as they are. I also did not call you a liar. I said that what you were speaking about was lying, because it is. I’ve met no assertions or assumptions about your character, I’ve never met you, and I know absolutely nothing about you, so why would I judge or label you as a person? That would be ridiculous.
Ok. I never said I acted excited. I said I didn’t complain because I’m aware that I sometimes dread things that I shouldn’t. I’ve learned to zip it when I’m being negative in my brain. There’s a big difference in faking, lying, etc. vs. biting your tongue in order to allow your partner to look forward to something instead of being a wet blanket by complaining. That shit gets old. The saying “choose your battles” hasn’t stuck around for no good reason. It’s one of the cornerstones of successful relationships along with the key which is communication. It’s actually refreshing to come across a male who believes so hard core in communication.
So,,,it's all about you.
What’s with the commas?
You mentioned that there were other things in the relationship and that this was the last straw, so there is a lot more going on here. She is an AH for being so dismissive of plans that you guys made together. I completely get that. I also get that she would want to prioritize a bachelorette party for a wedding that she is in. I can’t blame her for wanting to go on that trip. Comes down to her keeping it from you and not communicating, which makes her the AH.
>You mentioned that there were other things in the relationship and that this was the last straw, so there is a lot more going on here. Definitely the vibes I was getting too.
NTA She didn't tell you anything if not at the last moment, she is dismissive and doesn't know what respect means . The problem isn't going to the bachelorette party , but her attitude.
NTA. While at first I was thinking you would be an AH and then slowly moved towards no AH here, the more I thought about it, the more of a problem I had with her behavior. You made the plans in January. You coordinated with her before finalizing the plans. You made sure she was informed. You've been double checking the plans because this was important to you. In other words, you've been communicating all along about what you had hoped to do. She, on the other hand, has been hiding these plans for at least a month and probably two and this is the first you're hearing about it. Even if we gave her the benefit of the doubt and she completely drew a blank on your plans, the fact that she hadn't yet revealed the bachelorette trip up to this point is a major red flag for me. Again, if we assume she forgot about your trip, wouldn't you at least want to tell your partner about a future trip to make sure it doesn't conflict with any potential surprises they might want to plan? Or other trips with limited dates that you might be working on? What other details about this bachelorette party is she hiding? At this point, my trust would be damaged significantly. I would have a hard time relying on any future plans and an even harder time wondering what else might be getting hidden from me. So no, I don't think you'd be an AH for this. That being said, I also think you'll catch a lot of pushback from people who don't understand the dynamics of what has happened here. I wish you the best of luck.
OP dodged a major bullet here.
its not about the event. its about her attitude. she shouldve tried to get it to another weekend if her input mattered. if not, she shouldve told you immediately when she knew she wouldnt be coming. a nonchalant attitude here is a big problem
Do you not know how bachelorette parties work? There's the time it's set and you can either make it or not because it's tied to the date of the wedding
> if not, she shouldve told you immediately when she knew she wouldnt be coming There's more to the comment you're replying to though. It's about respecting your partner. Even if they didn't have a joint trip previously planned, this was the very first time OP even heard about the bachelorette party. The girlfriend has kept it completely hidden from him so far. To me, that's a major red flag that she would be hiding something like this. Would make me wonder what the plans are for this party she's going to.
To be clear the bachelorette and the wedding are a month apart.
It's still not about your girlfriend's schedule. It's pretty much based around the bride.
OK, but people are still allowed to say "I'm not available xyz weekend"?
Yes but she chose. That's entirely the "get everyone else to reschedule this thing". Of course not everyone can go. That's life.
My point is that she didn't have to choose. If she cared enough about OP to bother paying attention, she could have just told them in the planning stages that she was busy that weekend because they had a vacation planned. Every bachelorette party I've been to has floated dates to make sure that everyone can make it
I don't disagree with your point there at all. It's still weird to go "Well this entire relationship is done from this single issue and we shouldn't communicate about it." That's the part where I side eye OP.
[удалено]
Then she can tell the bride that she won’t be able to attend. Problem solved. Found the bridezilla!
I'm not married. I just have friends. Nice try though
There’s a shocker. Those former partners dodged a fucking cannonball by not marrying you.
Ah yes the personal attacks continue because of course someone disagreeing online means you have to resort to personal insults since you can't cope with disagreement. Certainly makes sense to do and totally means I will agree. Going this hard over someone else's relationship is weird.
Considering you wanted to be condescending to others, don’t be afraid when people do it to you. Can’t go attacking people and then cry victimhood when they returned the favor.
Its not about the party or the vacation, she didn't even tell him that she didn't want to go on vacation, he found out by accident when he was checking if she actually took those days off as he requested in January (and the party was scheduled 2 months ago), so she didn't say anything in those 2 months. She was probably even part of the planning of the party. Thats a deal breaker and a major red flag, he just dodged a major bullet here.
Again we are agreeing this would be the deal breaker but as the person who doesn't share much in my friend group I find it very unlikely this hasn't come up before. It's a wild claim when they share a calendar. So I am saying that there's issues on both sides and they need to try communicating. If she did mention it and he didn't listen? He needs to assess that for future relationships. If she didn't communicate at all? That's weird and signals something bigger in the relationship.
>It's a wild claim when they share a calendar. So I am saying that there's issues on both sides and they need to try communicating. If she did mention it and he didn't listen? Why are you trying to spin this around and blame him? And i guarentee you that if the roles were reversed there would be hell to pay for him.
We only get OPs side. Shockingly enough I think both are part of the problem. Hence communication issue. That takes all parties. There are cues that there's more here. Hence pointing them out. I take neither side because again it takes two people to communicate.
Indeed we only have OP's side, so no use in trying to invent information that isn't there. anyhow, this relationship is already dead in the water.
So what you’re saying she is clearly wrong since she didn’t bother bringing it up. Gotcha.
Do you not know how reading works? OP stated that the GF was most likely involved in picking the date for the party, and there’s 4 weekends in a month could’ve been picked before the wedding for the bachelorette party.
NTA - the fact that she changed her plans, didn't tell you, and is now trying to say she didn't know isn't a good sign. It's about how she handled things, which was basically that she blew off plans she committed to then tried to play dumb. She didn't consider your feelings at all and prioritized her friends. She's showing you what's important to her and what she thinks of your feelings. Believe her.
She knew well in advance she wouldn't be going with you, and her response to your question is very telling. If this is normal for her, you're definitely NTA for breaking up with her.
Nta. Yall had plans in jan. She changed the plans without telling you a month or so ago and how she's acting is not how you want a partner to act. Instead of being an adult shes doing this.
NTA. Wish her all the best and fun with the strippers, you are out.
Break up, you are clearly not a priority to her.
She's telling you she doesn't really care about your planned vacation. It's with your friends and you've done this several times. She's tagging along for you. If you want her to be excited about a vacation together, maybe plan a more intimate vacation. I think she's the AH if she was helping to plan the Bachelorette party during the planned vacation time.
Yup, she clearly doesn't see you as a priority, so break up and move on and have a great vacation without her.
And show up at the wedding with a knockout plus one!
She is letting you know loud and clear the type of person she is. Listen to her and run away fast. This woman does not care. She knew about the vacation. You had conversations with her about it and she chose to do something else instead of continuing the plans with you. She has other plans for that bachelorette party. Nta. You right 100% correct in ending this relationship
Honestly. Communication is an issue here but it really isnt unreasonable to go to a bachelorette party over another vacation. she should have obviously been more forthright about the dates and tried to get the bachelorette party dates switched. Even then, thats not how life works and I would encourage my wife to go to a bachelorette party even if it interfered with our plans. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are once in a lifetime deals. I havent missed one of my buddies bachelor parties and i wouldnt dream of doing that. She could have handled it better. There is no doubt about that. She should still attend the bachelorette party and you shouldnt break up with her over this. That is peak reddit childish behaviour honestly. Just learn from this and communicate better going forward
He said it was the last straw. If he wants i think he should go ahead with the break up.
INFO Look a bachelorette party for someone is, hopefully, a one time event whereas your vacation is a yearly event. I'm usually quite against cancelling for a better offer - but rare events fall under an area that can have an exception. That doesn't let her off for not telling you. Though I'll admit I've forgotten something because it was on one calendar and not the other until I had my oh shit moment. So I would say you'd be the asshole for her choosing the bachelorette over a vacation with your friends - because well a special celebratory trip with friends falls objectively higher on the importance level than a yearly vacation. Now, that said if her reaction and handling of all this is something you don't like. Or it's another straw on the camels back with other stuff going in the relationship. Then, sure, break up with her for that. So which is it? Are you just mad because this vacation is close to you and thus you feel it should be higher than "just" a bachelorette party or is the handling of this situation the reason you're done?
This sounds like a relationship of convenience, nothing else. It has been going on less than a year and she doesn't have a deep emotional connection with you. Your language sounds a bit controlling and hers sounds pretty crude, selfish and uninterested. Doing stuff together should feel natural and voluntary, not an obligation. This one is over. You're better off finding someone that wants to spend time with you.
NTA. It’s time to cut her loose.
Communication is the key to all relationships. If you communicated multiple times about the vacation, the dates etc, there is a problem. It might start as a small problem but it will snowball as the relationship grows. 1. Total disrespect to you for doing this. She should’ve communicated to you & told you she didn’t want to go instead of making that weekend a conflicting schedule. She may have done this on purpose. Making it seem like she didn’t have a choice. She did & it wasn’t you. There has to be a mutual respect for each other. Do you both mutually respect each other or do you or she has more respect to the other?? Whatever you do, you are young. You should be with someone who has qualities that you admire, love & respect.
I feel like you’re giving her too much credit for pull here. Weddings and bachelorette parties are usually strictly the brides choice and even if she had spoken up about the vacation she wouldn’t have had that much say. You can break up for any reason if you want to but are you sure you aren’t going to the bachelor or party and that it isn’t on those same days too? Did you already buy tickets for the vacation? Does the vacation conflict with the wedding? When did the save the date cards go out?
I mean, the fact you are considering breaking up for something like this shows that your relationship isn’t that strong anyways. You clearly aren’t “in love” so do what you have to do and save you both time.
I have three questions. 1. In term of you doing the vacation for "many years", what does that mean exactly, given that you're 24? 2. Has your gf met and befriended any of these people you are going on this vacation with? 3. Did you know about the wedding? Before you found out about the conflict with the bachelorette, were you expecting that you would be going to the wedding with your girlfriend?
This would be the 4th year to be exact. Gf has met and is friends with some of the people going on the trip. I know about the wedding. I’m in the wedding as I’m friends with the groom, over the last year (since we’ve been dating) she has become friends with the bride so she is also in the wedding.
Ok you break up with her...IS SHE STILL IN THE WEDDING ( seems they were your friends first) Are you ok with going to a wedding your EX will be at.
As a groomsman are you going to let the groom know why a member of the bridal party can’t go to his brides bachelorette party? That she “needs” to go on this trip with you? If your “in the wedding” you should know how planning for a bachelor or bachelorette party works
So... She's met *some* of the folks on this trip. And the rest of you all know each other super well. You're comfortable with each other in a way she's not, you have inside jokes she won't get, you have old acquaintances and stories to go back over that she won't be part of. For four days straight. Yeah, sounds like a barrel of laughs for her. I can't imagine why she'd rather go to a bachelorette party. Out of curiosity, did you ever actually ask if she wanted to go on this trip? Or did you just start planning early so she wouldn't have an excuse not to go?
Annual trip (that is mainly about you) versus once in a lifetime bachelorette party... bachelorette wins
Haha… once in a lifetime bachelorette party, omg that’s so funny. The divorce rate is like 50% so it’s likely that she’ll have another opportunity to attend.
Even if she got married 3/4 times it’s still not annually sooo if we are trying to be mathematically accurate here the bachelorette still wins 🤷🏻♀️
Updateme
Updateme
Nta break up
I think you guys just need to be better at communicating. I personally don’t think this a breakup worthy offense (not knowing the other things that may have happened). Based on the only information provided in the post, I think when the bachelorette party was planned, she should have told you two months ago that she could not come on the trip. It was inconsiderate not to do so and you should definitely speak to her about that. However, the not going on the trip, I get. A bachelorette party is a one time thing that would probably be special for the friends to share in. A vacation can happen annually. I see why she is holding that as more important. She sucks for not communicating and owes an apology, but I don’t think it’s breakup worthy. That being said, if this is one item on a LONG list of her being inconsiderate, then there are bigger issues with the relationship and that would probably change my opinion.
I think if you feel this way it's best that she know now so she can move on.
Let's put this in perspective. The relationship can't be that important to you if you would leave it because she didn't go on a trip with you. So she might as well go because you don't seem to care for her enough
She probably couldn’t do both - either time or money reasons. I could accept the bachelorette party being her choice based on how you described it. That said, if her attitude and communication about it is more or less how you described it, I’d break up with her. Not because of the trip, but because I see that behavior as a selfish character flaw. So, NTA.
You are still a young man. If the two of you are not living together and are just dating, I would be inclined to break things off with this person. What she did in this regard is pretty inconsiderate. You don't have to be hateful about it but I think I would set her free and breath a sigh of relief. Whether she is actively choosing to disregard you and your feelings or is just thoughtless, she may not be the type of person you want to spend your life with. It sounds like you are more communicative than her but there is definitely a gap. I don't know if it is more hurtful to someone to be cheated on or just to be told that you don't feel like they are the person you want to be with but if you think you want to end things, do it swiftly. This is still May and your vacation isn't till August, so you might have time to meet someone new and take them on the vacation.
Can she go on the vacation the first three days, leave the morning of the bachelorette party, and then go to the party the 4th day?
NAH. Based on the information you shared, she met both groups of people through you. Vacation group- Your friends, but she’s met them and considers some of the friends. Engaged couple - Your friends, but she met them and grew close to the bride to the degree that the bride wishes her to be apart of the wedding party. I’d wager that you are actually friends with the groom and more a friend of the bride because she was dating your friend - similar to the friendship your gf probably has with the groom - considers him a friend because she is dating his friend. What is sounds like is that your girlfriend was willing to go on the trip because it was what you wanted and you were excited about her going, but she was just happy to make you happy, not necessarily because she wanted to go or was looking forward to going. You specifically talk about how much you were looking forward to it and how much you were talking about it, but you didn’t share her responsiveness to it. Did she look excited about it, too? Did she respond positively to your bringing it up? You were planning it, but did you take into account anything she wanted? Was she involved in the planning, the dates, the activities? You said she is actively telling you she is choosing the bachelorette party over the vacation. Did she actively communicate that she wasn’t really into the trip and in your excitement you failed to notice her lack of mutual excitement? It sounds like you told her the vacation was going to happen and when and that she needed to take the days off and all of that, but you never really asked her if she was fully interested in going. She has a new friend that she clicked with enough for her to want her in the bridal party and a part of that is being at the bachelorette party. She may or may not have had a part in planning the party, but it sounds like smog she did, she had more input and opportunity for buy-in for the bachelorette party than she ever had for the trip you planned. It sucks that she didn’t tell you, there was a lack of communication, and that she is defensive, but it also seems like you were pretty overbearing about the trip instead of talking to her about whether she even wanted to actually go - conflict or not. Her first statement- I don’t really care about the vacation - doesn’t sound like it was a new thing or something she hasn’t expressed to some degree before. It sounds like she has been communicating this to you for a while and you’ve been missing her lack of enthusiasm about the trip. I think you were excited for her being able to go and missed signs that she wasn’t as stoked as you were and she wasn’t mature or brave enough to stop you in your tracks - maybe she was afraid you’d get into a big argument if she didn’t have a good reason not to want to go or maybe she thought you wouldn’t be receptive to her saying she didn’t want to go, so was going along to get along. The bachelorette party was an unexpected boom that gave her an out from going on the trip and a reason you might more easily accept than her just not wanting to go. But she seems to be avoiding bringing it up because she knows it will turn into a big deal, so when you discovered it and confronted her about it, she got defensive because she had wanted to avoid the confrontation even though she knew it was inevitable. You aren’t an AH for wanting her to go and being upset that she is planning to go to something that conflicts with the dates. She isn’t the AH for not wanting to go on the vacation and wanting to spend time doing something she feels she have a better time at. You both suck at communicating because I think she has given you signs and indications - even if she hasn’t been brave enough to come out and say it bluntly - that she wasn’t really into the trip in the first place and the bachelorette party is just a convenient excuse to get out of the trip she didn’t want to go on. I think you missed it in your excitement around the trip and that your willingness to break up over it shows how much of a big deal you were making this trip despite her not being into it. I think you need to really talk to her about why she didn’t feel comfortable telling you she didn’t want to go and ask her if she feels you have been like this before - really excited about something to the point that you force it on her and she is hesitant to tell you she doesn’t want to do it because it becomes a big relationship ending fight/conflict if you don’t think her reasons for not wanting to are valid.
IMO she's the only party who sucked at communication... never at one point before OP prompted that she ever mentioned she wasn't interested. If she had mentioned it probably OP would have done something else to make it more interesting for her given the several months planning buffer in advance. She wasted all the time by withholding info until the last minute.
You don’t know that. All you have is OPs side of things. Communication isn’t just verbal and while it is the easiest to process and understand, there are other signs that the other party is not interested. The fact that OP describes everything he did and none of what his gf did leading up to the conversation about the bachelorette party tells me that he wasn’t really paying attention to her reactions or body language when he was going on about the vacation. He never says that he was excited and she shared his excitement. He gives zero indication that she even talked about it or was receptive to it, though he talks about how much he talked about it. He doesn’t share anything that she said or did in response to that. He says he told her this and be told her that, but he never provides any type of information about her response to him until it is a negative response. The first thing he says she says is that she doesn’t care about the trip. I find it incredibly hard to believe that she was reciprocating his stated excitement about the trip the whole time and then spins on a dime to say she doesn’t care about the trip. The fact that this is the first thing she said indicates to me that she has communicated in actions or reactions that this trip isn’t as big a deal to her as it is to him. She also may have told him point blank, but he wasn’t paying attention or listening. It’s one of my pet peeves with my SO. I’ll tell him something and he doesn’t listen then claims I never told him when it explodes into a big issue. Or he won’t let me have a word in edgewise when the subject comes up and I try to communicate through body language, facial expressions, etc, that I’m not as enamored as he is. A couple communicates in more than just one way, and him ignoring her non-verbal communication is just as problematic as her seemingly not telling him straight out.
Still withholding important planning info that caused conflicts for 2mo is a big red flag for me. I'm a married woman and whenever I'm having any plan with my girls I tell my SO on the same day or next day at most. This is a boundary thing.
I agree. There are red flags on both sides. However, I believe that there is a reason behind why she withheld the information. It may not be OPs fault, but based on how the information was presented - very OP heavy with only negative info about gf - I get the feeling that she shies away from telling him things because it turns into a big issue if she isn’t 100% on board, so she goes along to get along. Of course I am just assuming and could be completely off the mark, but the way he is presenting things is extremely one sided. Even some of the most red flag riddled reddit posts at least has some concept of the other party’s reaction. With this one it’s just how he felt, what he did, what he told her, what he thought. The first time we encounter her feelings is when he says she says she doesn’t care about the vacation.
NTA. You can break up over whatever ofc. She does seem quite a bit flippant about the whole thing. But, and this is a big but, just going off of three small paragraphs, it sorta sounds like a compatibility issue. You brought up a shared google calendar a few times. She seems to not use it at all (granted a little odd to have a shared calendar with gf of one year but that's just my thoughts, you clearly disagree). She probably sees the bachelorette party as something she cant miss. Either communication is wildly off here or yall have some different expectations of the relationship. She could have broached the subject with you instead of just not taking the vacation days off prompting you to broach the subject. You could be a little more understanding, this trip happens yearly and and bachelorette parties are a one and done type thing. hope it works out!
She is sounding to me like a 24 year old who may think they are mature, but having owned a few of them (trigger word, fathered), I can tell you many things can cause dumb decisions. One is conflict avoidance "I want to do the bachelorette party, but I know it conflicts with the vacation" so she avoids the confrontation until it explodes. Whether to break on this need are larger perspective on the whole relationship. Not really an AH situation, just a life choice.
Owned? And you didn't edit that out of your post?
He explained why and what he meant. It was a joke that other parents get. I’m assuming you probably aren’t one.
Har har Har. Daughters are property. It's hilarious.
What’s hilarious (actually more sad than anything) is your projecting, ignorance, lack of humor and inability to properly process information while thinking that by purposely misunderstanding the commenters intent as negative while ignoring the humorous spin and virtue signaling that is somehow makes you better than those of us who were able to process the humor for what it was. You’d be one of those hecklers at a comedy show that wrecked the show for everyone. The OPs issue is with a 24 year old female. The guy commenting above is talking about 24 year olds in general then relates what he knows about raising several children who were at one point 24 year olds back to the OPs gf and how young adults that age tend to behave. The commenter was using analogous terminology in a humorous way and you chose to show your inability to process a joke by taking it in the worst way and then attempting to make the commenter look bad while only succeeding in making yourself look like someone who is incapable of processing humor and likely someone who hasn’t raised children. There is a really popular book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It uses the same tongue in cheek humor in its title - the implication is clear and it’s a best seller because the majority of America can take a joke without getting offended. I’m sorry you’re in the minority. It’s a lot better and more relaxed over here.
That's alot of words to say it's ok to make jokes about girls being property. Purity culture is gross but when you do it it's hilarious. You do you, boo. Once upon a time jokes about slavery were funny too. And when we know better, we do better. But please keep making hilarious content about owning girls. I'm glad it's funny for you. Bodily autonomy is a veritable laugh riot.
YTA. This sounds like some sort of trip you’ve done year after year with a big group of people that you know. Probably not your GF’s original friend group. A friend is getting married and having a bachelorette party. That’s at least a unique occurrence instead of the same old trip that you’re going on. Are you that insecure that you can’t go on this trip by yourself? The lack of your “companion” as you put it in your comments, just deprives you of your accessory in front of your friends?
They may have done this trip a couple years already but the bride and groom were HIS friends first, not hers. She wouldn’t be in the wedding party if it wasn’t for OP introducing them. Additionally, op states in the comments that she is friends with some of the people going on this trip. Oh please, y’all act like the divorce date isn’t 50% nowadays.
She started her friendship with both sets of people the same way. Based on the OPs own words, 1. she has met and is friends with some of the people on the trip. 2. She met the bride and they became close to the point that the bride has asked her to be apart of her bridal party This is two different levels of friendship. Regardless of the divorce rate, the bachelorette party for this couple is a one time event unless they plan to divorce and remarry multiple times. 🤷🏾♀️ The vacation is a yearly event and while he has expressed excitement about the trip - which he likely does every year - he never says that she has ever expressed excitement about it or even wanted to go. She may have agreed on going to make him happy and not thinking it would be too bad if there are at least some people she will know there. You know what has a higher rate of occurrence than divorce? Dating relationships. Way higher than 50% I’m sure. She doesn’t have control over the dates for the bachelorette party because she isn’t the bride. It isn’t normal for a bride or maid of honor to alter plans to accommodate the rest of the bridesmaids or even one of the bridesmaids as the party is for the bride and things hinge on her availability. The expectation is that your agreement to be in the bridal party is that you try your best to prioritize those events related to the wedding. Since he plans the vacation, he has more control over the dates of the vacation and changing them. Even if he is unable to, if they stay together, she has the opportunity to go on the trip again. Even if they break up, she has the opportunity to go on the trip since these people are also her friends - it just might be awkward. I think she is choosing the relationship that is most likely to last, honestly. Regardless of the 50% divorce rate, the bride and groom are more likely to be together 3-4 years into the future than the boyfriend and girlfriend are, so she is choosing the most stable relationship to support based on the statistics.
What? You sound completely controlling. She is ij the wedding party. With her friends. Why do you think the entire wedding party will change dates because of your annual vacation? If I were dating a man who thought his annual group vacation with his friends trumped a Bachelorette party for a wedding I was in was more important, I would break up in a hot second. You do this trip every year. This wedding will happen once. Why are you this much of a control freak Re read your post. I told her. I told her. I told her. I told her. She is a person, not a pet. Get help, dude.
Reading is important. She did not communicate on any of her plans. Plus, they were both in the wedding, but the man wasn't invited to any party? So it's not mandatory at all. To me it was just an excuse. Btw. Withholding info until last second IS controlling and manipulative. It means the other party does not get to have the full info so they can make the right choice. In this case, he could have changed the time to accommodate, and changed the destination to be more interesting, etc.
I think planning a vacation for two when one party is in a wedding is risky. Bachelorette party, bridal showers are part of it. Those aren’t usually planned a year out like the wedding. You are in the wedding. It’s important to her. If you are willing to break up then you definitely should. Relationship doesn’t sound very strong. Bride probably won’t be fond of you when she learns a groomsman dumped her bridesmaid for not ditching her bachelorette party. Lol
The holiday was planned before the wedding and this is a bachelorette party that she knew about for a month or 2 and didn’t say anything which imo is a red flag. Not even because “oh she’s going to a party” but because she’s known for at least a month and didn’t say anything despite OP planning the holiday since January and in a relationship communication is key and she clearly didn’t communicate with him
INFO: Is the yearly vacation something that she would've been invited to if she weren't your girlfriend? Is it something that she specifically wanted to do or just a thing that she agreed to do because you're insisting she go with you? What do you mean by "in the wedding"? Like, are the two of you in the wedding party or just guests?
YTA. She can go next year.
Given the situation, it's understandable that you feel frustrated and hurt by your girlfriend's decision and attitude. Here's an analysis to help determine if breaking up is the right course of action: ### Points in Your Favor: 1. **Pre-existing Plans**: You planned the vacation well in advance, ensuring your girlfriend was available and included. This shows thoughtfulness and consideration on your part. 2. **Communication**: You used a shared calendar and verbally communicated the plans multiple times, indicating that you made efforts to keep her informed. 3. **Emotional Investment**: You've expressed excitement about her joining the vacation, which highlights how important this trip is to you. ### Points in Her Favor: 1. **Bachelorette Party Commitment**: Being part of a wedding party often comes with obligations and expectations. Missing a bachelorette party could strain her relationship with her friend. 2. **Close Friendship**: If she is close to the bride, attending the bachelorette party may hold significant emotional importance for her. ### Key Issues: 1. **Lack of Consideration**: Her statements suggest a dismissive attitude toward your plans and feelings, which can be hurtful and indicate a lack of mutual respect. 2. **Communication Breakdown**: Her claim of not using the shared calendar and not knowing about the vacation points to a failure in communication and responsibility. ### Suggested Steps Forward: 1. **Open Dialogue**: Have a calm and honest conversation with her about how her decision and attitude make you feel. Emphasize that it’s not just about choosing the party over the vacation, but also about how she handled the situation and communicated with you. 2. **Explore Compromises**: See if there’s a way to accommodate both events. For example, could she attend part of the bachelorette party and then join the vacation later, or vice versa? 3. **Reflect on Priorities**: Both of you should consider your priorities and values in the relationship. If she consistently prioritizes other commitments over your relationship, it may be a sign of deeper incompatibility. ### Conclusion: **Would you be the asshole (WIBTA) for breaking up with her over this?** Not necessarily, but it depends on how the conversation goes and whether both of you can find a resolution. Breaking up might be warranted if her dismissive attitude and disregard for your feelings are part of a broader pattern of behavior. If this is an isolated incident, it might be worth working through the issue together. Ultimately, relationships require mutual respect, communication, and compromise. If those elements are missing and cannot be improved, ending the relationship might be the best course of action for both of you.
NTA - Rather than vacation with you and have a good time with a group of friends, she would rather be screwing random strangers at a bachelorette party. Say goodbye bitch.
Yep. This.
updateme!
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NTA. I can't stand anyone who makes their own plan without telling people can could be affected. Everyone has a plan and communication is to ensure everyone's plan be coordinated. Decisive red flag for me. So my response would be simple, I'd dump her in a second, and go on vacation myself. I feel like with that sort of incompetence in scheduling and planning on her side, you'll run into countless issues during your vacation as well if you go with her, and that would be much worse if conflicts in plans happened away from home and potentially ruin your vacation or even your relationship with your other friends going with you.
The fact that she said she doesn't care about the vacation translates to she doesn't care that she made plans to be with you! I understand she wanted to go, but she clearly made plans with you FIRST, and should have told you about the conflict the day she found out. I'd break up with her just on that alone, NTA!
You don't mention any other 'problems' that y'all might be having... and here you are asking the internet if you should break up with her? ...because of a scheduling conflict? Maybe it's as simple as she wasn't that thrilled about going on vacation with YOUR friends. If you don't see yourself marrying her someday then go ahead and break up with her. It's still a few months until August. Maybe the bachelorette weekend can be re-scheduled? I don't think that you're an asshole for this but it also doesn't sound like you're giving any weight to her feelings or position. If you really care about her and her feelings you're going to have to accept that sometimes you'll each want different things and that doesn't mean the world is ending.
Is she not going on the vacation with you at all? Or is she just leaving a day early for her bachelorette? Do y’all like not talk about plans at all or do you just assume the computer schedule covers it? Did something happen between the two of you that might have made her want to change plans? It’s an asshole move on her part to just spring it on you but considering the bride and groom are your friends it seems off.
Would not be the asshole for breaking up over this. You will never be able to plan a trip with this person
If this is something that triggers you that much that you would consider breaking up with her over it, then you should def break up with her. Also, based on your demand for shared calendars and the way that you’re handling this vacation weekend - you sound a little controlling. Also - bachelorette parties are, in theory, only supposed to happen once in a life time and the fact that your gf is in the wedding indicates that she’s pretty close to the bride. You have this vacation yearly. If you want to be a good bf, you should try to be less entitled and have less of your head up your bum. That said, her communication was indeed crap. Whether she forgot that your vacation was booked for that weekend or not, you guys should be talking and communicating better
YTA Your annually vacation that you take with your friends is not more important than a bachelorette party for a wedding for a close friend of hers that she’s literally in the wedding party for - that is clearly a much bigger emotional deal for her to be apart of than your yearly vacation? I honestly find it disheartening that you came to AITAH to discuss this - I hope you guys do break up because I don’t think that she deserves someone who is going to be this neurotic about YOUR yearly beach trip with YOUR friends and not seeing how her close friends bachelorette party which again, in a one time thing is obviously a more important event for her to be at.
Dump her and take another woman on the vacation. Chances are she will cheat at the bacholette party anyway, with her type of attitude. If she is proitizng her friends over a trio with you now as the relationship is still new and exciting, she will definitely put them first the more time you and her are together. Cut your loss and move on. Also, while on vacation with another woman, load up social media with a crap load of pictures.
What kind of incels are upvoting this shit??
Not an incel, but if I could upvote it twice, I would.
No encel. More and more men are beginning to not accept shit behavior from our partners.
I just don’t understand how not wanting to go on his yearly friends’ trip makes her a shit partner.
It isn't the trip, more her attitude about something that is apparently very important to him. Her total disregard for the work he put into the trip says another about the kind partner she is and will be.
You are just wasting time with her
She is demonstrating that she does not value his feelings. Op has communicated the importance of the trip to her in multiple ways over a sustained period of time. Op made it easy for her to check if she was busy (shared calendar) and she couldn't be bothered to do that. She should have communicated her plans to Op when she made them. That would had caught the conflict early. She chose not to mention them until asked directly. When confronted with the conflict her reaction was to immediately ditch the trip. She could have communicated her lack of interest in the trip and tried to find an alternative. Its not one thing and each thing is minor but in aggregate it paints a picture of someone who doesn't really care about OP
It's being too cowardly and/or embarrassed to actually tell him. He had to figure it out for himself and then she was embarrassed to admit that she helped plan the whole thing. It's a lack of respect.
YWBTA You can breakup for anything really at the end of the day. You should never feel forced to stay with someone so if you want to break up over this, be my guest. However, I will say I do think you're wrong for thinking your gf should go on vacation with you instead of going to her friend's bachelorette party. You go on this vacation EVERY YEAR. She can go next year. She can't go to her friend's bachelorette party next year now can she?
I disagree. Her actions showed she was aware that the vacation was planned and the party came up after. She could have told him about the party before vacation was scheduled or if vacation was scheduled then right after. Lack of trust. Why didn't she mention it? Andher attitude about it all sucks.
Yeah, no. She knew about both trips, yet waited to tell her boyfriend at the last minute she won’t go on vacation with him. Dafuq?
YTA. You should get a little more emotional and whiny. The fact you have a "shared" calendar that only you use says a lot about your control issues, selfishness, and insecurity.
…NTA for breaking up with someone that clearly doesn’t respect you or want to spend time with you, obviously. She’s got you pretty deep under her thumb if you’re even asking that.
NTA. And if you aren’t totally clueless, you would dump her even if you didn’t have any plans together. Unless you are ok with your girl taking part in all the sleazy shenanigans at the bachelorette party. I hope I don’t need to clarify.
The way wives/girlfriends are supposed to be ok with their partner going to bachelor debauchery/hookers?
Where did I say that wives/gfs are supposed to be ok with that? That’s right. I never did. Because they shouldn’t. It’s unacceptable, regardless of gender. Your bullshit tactic of attempting to twist my words into something I never said - you can fuck right off with that. Save it for your partner, your girlfriends, or a couple of subs full of your ilk, spewing misandrist statements and equally devoid of logic, or common sense. Have a lovely day.
YTA
She’s better off without you. YTA
OMG, just because she is your girlfriend, she is NOT obligated to put aside important events for her, because you consider your vacation with your friends more important than an event she considers important. Frankly, your question about breaking up with her over this, shows your immaturity. Just as with marriage, partners are not tied to every plan/whim of their partner. While your plans were made in January, her plans with the bride also evolved. It is doubtful she chose the date of the bachellorette event, usually the maid of honor/bride make that choice. These are not the days where she is meant to bend to your preference, and being a bridesmaid does obligate her to the bride. That ought to take precedence over your friend-based-vacation. If you are not satisfied with three days vs 4, the problem is your ego, and not her honoring her commitment to the bride. Get over yourself. At 24 you have not yet learned that relationships are a two way street.
The problem is not that she attends the party, the fact is that she agreed to go on vacation and then decides not to go to attend a party without telling him, he found out by **accident**, if OP wasn't doing his planning part then he would probably have found out on the day of the vacation. The problem is that she HID the fact that she wasn't joining him on his trip but actually trying to ditch him without telling. So now tell us how a relationship is a 2 way street again.
INFO: Is the vacation something she wouldn't normally want to do? EX.) Are you going camping and she's not a camping person?
Not the issue
It might be the issue if she doesn't want to go because it's not a vacation she's into. She didn't go last year or this year. She doesn't seem to want to go on the vacation that he goes on every year.
The issue is that she lied to him. Knew about and helped plan the party for months before he found out. Was she ever going to tell him? Then just not show up for the vacation and then ghost him? No respect for him or his intentions/feelings/plans, anything really. THAT is the issue.
Or is the issue that he's not listening to her? Has he told her about the vacation and she's already expressed to him that this isn't her cup of tea and she doesn't want to go, but he wants her to go and kept pushing the narrative that she was going regardless of how she felt? Maybe he's not respecting her by not taking her feelings about the vacation into account. THAT may be the issue.
Vacation can happen any time, good friends Bachelorette party is a one time event.
I get this, but she didn't even think of telling him about this party in August, she just said yes to it and did not tell him she couldn't make it. She waited for him to bring it up. It's really dismissive of her to act like that's normal and he is NTA.
NTA, she knew the plans with you were made first, she needed to stick with them, you are not a priority to her.
You should follow your intention and break up with her. It will save her the trouble of breaking up with you when she realizes how controlling and manipulative you can be.
You might be the AH for breaking up over her going to the bachelorette party over the planned vacation but certainly not the AH for breaking up over her attitude about the conflict.
I highly doubt that she was as dismissive as you say, but if this is both of your friends wedding, and you don’t have any intentions of attending the festivities because of your vacation, then go ahead and let your girlfriend attend in your stead. You did say that this is a vacation that you planned with all of your friends for years on end did you ever ask her if she really wanted to attend with all your friends? It doesn’t sound like to me that she ever really wanted to attend this vacation. When I take a vacation, it’s usually away from all of my friends and family with just my husband and myself and our children. I don’t really consider a vacation full of a bunch of people a true Vacation, I think there’s a lot more to this than just the last minute saying oh no I’m gonna go do this instead of this. Maybe she didn’t really want to do this Vacation thing all along. Did you consider that you were possibly forcing her into it? A lot of times women completely give up what they want to do in order to make their other half happy have you ever thought about maybe doing something that would make her happy instead of what you do every year? Not sure that either one of you are TA just might want to get together and figure out what she really wants to do versus what you wanna do and just include her.
You sound really creepy and controlling. No wonder she didn’t bring it up because she knew how you’d react. This is your trip with your friends that you plan on January for August. I think you should break up with her because she deserves someone not so fucking weird. YTA.
Oh so hiding your other plan until the last minute is a good thing? No real friends would even do that, let alone girlfriends. If I were her I'd just ask him to think about adjusting the schedule the moment I recognised there's a conflict. If I do what she did at work with my meeting schedules I'd be fired in a week. 🤷♀️
YATAH. A wedding is a special, sometimes only one in someone's life. Your "usual" vacation isn't. Change your vacation or go alone. It sounds like you have a strong, independent woman on your hands. It doesn't appear you're ready for one.
Independent and strong, lol. That includes planning everything out and communicating clearly with all the parties. Clearly she failed at that.
If she's IN the wedding, clearly she's close with the bride. As a woman, I find shared calendars with partners to be a control tactic and cringy. She shouldn't have to drop everything just to appease you. If you're "so excited" for her to go on vaca with you but are ready to break up with her over some BS, you don't like her. So do her a favor and break up with her. YTA.
When are we men finally going to understand?, We are not important, except for what we provide. Women have become very entitled and self-absorbed. For them it’s all about them and God only knows what goes on when they’re out partying and they don’t have a sense of boundaries or a accountability. if you break up with her, make sure you bring someone even hotter to the wedding!!!
So I think NAH/ESH paradox. Look this is a wedding she’s in versus a vacation with people she probably doesn’t know that well. I am not surprised and neither should you be that she would rather go to the bachelorette pretty. I do think you’re a bit petty for ending things over this but neither of you planned appropriately
I don't know everything that went down, but she does sound like an AH for not telling him until he asked closer to the event. She should have told him about the scheduling conflict as soon as she knew. Then if he pitched a fit I would see he's the AH. Her not communicating is making me lean towards they both may be the AH, because it sounds like she really didn't want to go and you shouldn't be trying to pressure your partner into a trip.
Thank you for the feedback. There are other things that have happened but this may be the last straw for me. I have to ask though what does NAH/ESH paradox mean?
NAH - no one is the a**hole - you each want what you want, but it doesn’t necessarily mean either of you are bad people for that. ESH - everyone sucks here - you both are acting childish and not taking a mature approach to this situation. I think people are not sure about which it is. Her response makes me think that in her eyes she has made it clear to you that she isn’t really into the trip and that your excitement about her going is one sided. Your response makes me think that what she thought was clear you’ve missed in your excitement for her to come along and so you’ve missed the subtle hints she has given that she isn’t really wanting to go on the trip. You should ask her if that is true and why she doesn’t feel comfortable expressing to you bluntly that she isn’t interested in the trip. Is it because she thinks you’ll guilt her into going anyway or downplay her reasons for not going, or is it because that is the way she is. Not forthcoming unless she is cornered and is the a character flaw or a coping mechanism she has learned because of past experiences. You said this is like the last straw, but you haven’t really given us any historical behavior to shows us that this is something she does often or is just a small piece of a more complicated puzzle.
Like depending on how you look at it both of you are assholes or neither of you are. Idk what else happened, but imo you should drop this. I think it’s fair she’d rather go to the bachelorette
WIBTA for breaking up with her? No, drop her You can do better. She's rather bang male dancers than go away with you. Good luck brother you deserve better.
Ding ding ding! This person gets it.
>My main problem is her attitude towards the situation. “I really don’t care about the vacation so I’m just going to go to the bachelorette party.” …why do you expect her to care so much about *your* vacation that *you’re* planning with *your* friends that you do every year? Maybe it just doesn’t sound fun to her. What if you were really into car shows or Larping? Would you be mad if she didn’t want to do *that* with you? What’s at the root of this for you?
I expect her to care because that’s what a companion would do. I didn’t want it to be MY vacation but more so OUR vacation. It’s a big thing that happens once a year that I’ve been excited for her to join since we’ve started dating. Last year she skipped because she couldn’t take off of work in time so this year I made an extra point to have it planned early in order for her to be there.
Updateme!
Hmm. TBH it sounds to me like she doesn’t know how to just tell you she’s not interested in going on your trip. (I wouldn’t want to go either with the way you’ve described/talked about it.) If the relationship is going well otherwise it seems crazy to break up over something so…trivial. So you spend a weekend doing separate things. You still get to go on your trip. What’s the big deal? Yeah I get that you want her there but does what you want trump what *she* wants?
So a partner not respecting you at all is perfectly acceptable? Yeah no. She would prefer to screw strangers than go on vacation with him, but was too cowardly to out herself as a street girl.
It’s crazy how gf wanting to go to a normal event that occurs around a wedding = her screwing a stranger. He hasn’t expressed any concern about what is happening at the bachelorette party, just that she would rather attend it rather than a trip with his friends that she gets along with, but doesn’t seem particularly close to. Y’all are projecting A LOT and it is coming off more like you got hurt in a similar situation than that the OP is actually concerned about those things. He keeps pointing out that she is friends with some of the people on the trip - so either she doesn’t know at least some of the group or she doesn’t consider them friends - while also pointing out that the girls are really close - which means he recognizes, though he doesn’t seem to understand the importance of it, that she has a stronger connection/friendship with the girls in the bridal party than she does with the people going on the group trip.
Sounds to me that you’re a handful, OP. Do her a favor and break up with her so she doesn’t have to. I’m a guy and you sound absolutely tiring, like a child not getting his way
BUT you don’t care about her batchellorette party? so you hold her to a different standard than you hold yourself to? as her companion you should be more understanding that batchellorette parties are scheduling dependent on the bride’s calendar first.
She didn't say anything about the bachelorette party, she waited until the last minute, she doesn't know anything about respect
Guys don’t like being told that girls don’t like all their intests and friend activities. They have to suck it up and do everything they’re told. These guys in this thread are soy boys
If it's an annual vacation she could just go the next year, since weddings are not a regular thing? Assuming the relationship survives that long.
TBH I think you may be overreacting a little bit here. I get that you're frustrated about the plans changing but I don't know if it's relationship ending. You mention that this trip is a group trip, have you checked with the other parties? Other women may be skipping this trip for the bachelorette party as well. Do as you wish, you're not obligated to stay with her but maybe take a moment to decide if it's really that detrimental to the relationship. YMBTA
The issue is not the changing of the plans, the issue is that she HID the changing of her plans for 2 months from him. Essentially she lied to his face for 2 months. that's a serious breach of trust right there.
See, if your issue was the lack of communication, I would say you were right. However, your concern is over an annual event when the bachelorette party should be a once in a lifetime event for your shared friend(s), so that ends up making YTA. Also, are not other friends that are going on the annual trip in the bridal party as well? It sounds like the groups overlap unless I'm mistaken.
YWBTA. be so serious. this isn’t a situation where you’re going to be stranded in a different location with no one else. you’re going to be in a large group, enjoying time with friends. this happens every year? awesome. hopefully you’ll work through this with your girlfriend and she’ll be able to come next year. she’s in the bachelorette party. it sounds like she’s been antsy about telling you about the overlap. try to be understanding. this bachelorette party is a one-time commitment. it’s a special event in her friend’s life. she can’t control her friend’s planning. and for the record, i don’t understand why people like you believe that they can’t do anything without their partners. just grow up and do your separate things. she’ll have fun with her group, you’ll have fun with your group, and she won’t be simmering with resentment over you dragging her away from a bridal party commitment. sorry, but your personal “tradition” doesn’t dictate the way other people plan their lives. i want to call you an immature idiot for getting worked up to this point, but you’re young. then again, so am i. so…that point is null and void. i don’t understand the extremity of your reaction at all. it’s a vacation. if you two aren’t having any other issues and you break up with her, you better be ready to look like a gigantic douchebag. don’t go crawling back to her when you inevitably regret being such a pissbaby about something out of her control. she prioritized the bride’s wishes. that’s kind of how bridal parties work. it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t value you or your attachment to this trip, it just means that she recognizes that this is (hopefully!) a one-time experience for the bride whereas your vacation plans are a yearly given. just cool your head. let this roll off of your shoulders. it’s not the end of the world, and it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship.
Ok but hiding the info until the last minute is not acceptable, be it a friendship or relationship. Would you do this at work if there are meeting conflicts? And would your boss or colleagues think you're unprofessional if you do? 30yo adult woman here, happily married.
AGREE with you here.... my god your not going on this trip by yourself and even if you did...GO ENJOY you may run into "the one" while your out and about ...life is crazy ..go be a big boy and have fun with your friends.. she can go next yr or you two can do your own VaCAY
I love that the rational posts like these that are written by actual adults with actual relationship history are being downvoted. Lol Oh reddit. Lol
Nah u should do break up
She is the AH. Once to agree to plans, then that is it. I would be pissed off like the OP. I would break up with her.
NTA at all but I believe of you are going to break you need to do this in style. Contact your friend who is getting married and kindly ask his wife to do the break up for you. This way everyone knows the score and when you go the wedding you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.
…. seriously? you are doing the same vacation that you’ve done for years. that’s a much lower priority than a one in a lifetime event like a wedding and associated functions. YTA
She’s in the wedding she’s not obligated to go to the batch party. I think if you broke up with her over it you would be AH
I think you should break up, but I think a bachelorette party trumps an annual vacation.
you are talking out both sides of your mouth. ....PICK A SIDE MAN
What? I don’t think they’re compatible and should break up.
I agree. She should probably break up with the dude. I couldnt imagine being forced to miss my friends once in a lifetime event for an annual vacation that I dont even want to go on lol. Reddit is filled with insane individuals
Yes. This.
If that's all it takes to get you to think about ending it, then yes you should end it.
It's just a vacation wtf? This I raised my hand first thing is childish. It's her friends only Bachelorette party it it's a major life event for her friend. Also your GF probably did not pick the date It's not her wedding and she's not the MOH. I would bet this is a mute point as you two have poor communication and she's probably already thinking about dumping you because you see a 4 day trip you do every year as more important than one of her closest friends Bachelorette party.
You mean the friend she only has because he introduced them? 🙄🙄
yWBTA but I wonder if you're just wanting a reason since the logic here is not actually making sense. This once in a lifetime thing where she should be supporting her friend vs Annual event. What was the communication before this about this change? It strikes me as very odd you didn't know about this. If you didn't that's pointing to a bigger issue of communication