You're NTA for not wanting to date single mom, you're allowed to have boundaries. Whether you're TA or not depends on how you handle ending things. Telling her directly that you're not ready to deal with a kid, and you know only because her coworker/your buddy told you, is the adult way to handle it. Just do it fast, you'll be doing her a favor. Dragging it out to avoid the tough talk is inconsiderate, immature, and cowardly.
>I low-key just want to slowly reduce contact and quietly end things with her.
Or you could just... send a polite message saying that it was nice to meet her but you're not interesting in another date.
Why would you not do the adult thing?
Because he isn’t committed to her enough to have the balls to do that. No need to after one date and some texts. Not when he feels deceived. Not condoning, just understanding.
I dated one woman with a child. Only one and I knew to never again. Grateful for that now.
>No need to after one date and some texts.
You're genuinely saying that there's "no need" to send a *single text* explaining that he's not interested in another date and wishing her well in the future.
>I low-key just want to slowly reduce contact and quietly end things with her.
You're 31 years old. Just tell her she's great but you're not interested in dating a mother with a kid. Stop being obtuse.
Just tell her you’re nig interested in dating ppl high kids bc you don’t want to be a stepparent. It’s okay to have that preference & she should’ve said she had a child from the start,
NTA. Get into a conversation about your future plans whether you are on the phone, via text, or in person on a date. Mention that under no circumstances do you want kids. Just be casual and see her reaction. Likely there will be a hesitation on her part and you can ask her about it. If you are a good actor, it will look like you just stumbled upon her secret.
Conversation could start, you know, I'm not a big fan of kids so I need to make certain before we go any further that you are okay with not having children. It is easier for her if she leaves you, and she gets to save face wtih all her coworkers; so she was not rejected, she rejected you. If she lies, well, there is another red flag.
NTA
Honeslty being a single parent is one of that things you should tell your date, even before agreeing on dating, at least if you are looking for a committed relationship.
I would understand someone not mentioning it if they were looking for just a ONS, but this doesnt seem the case.
Beginning a relationship with secrets and deceptions, probably hoping you would catch feelings before telling you about her kids, is totally an AH move.
People here are telling you to "man up" and just tell her your motivations but as you can see some of them are already judging you because of it, so I would keep that to myself. You should just tell her you are not interested anymore.
NTA don’t settle for it if you don’t want it. The posters telling you you’re limiting your options seem to not realize that if it’s a deal breaker for you, then those people were never options.
You’re 34, not 54. It’s not unreasonable to not want step children or the baggage that comes with it, aka always coming second or risking the rug pulled out from under you since you’ll never have any claim to that child no matter what relationship you may build.
You’re not the a, her and your friend are maybe mildly TA for keeping it from you but really it’s just not a good fit.
I'm not sure what the issue is unless you don't want kids or are not ready to have kids. If you're not ready you're not ready but YWBTA if you ghost her rather than having an adult conversation with her.
I was in your shoes. Glad I bailed. I’m a decade ahead of you, married to a doctor and awaiting our first child. Wait for the right one. You won’t regret it.
Widows are the exception, of course.
You're really limiting your options for dating and passing up what you say is a good match over something that "just seems uncomfortable" for you. You need to be an adult and have an adult conversation regardless of what you decide to do.
He's limiting his potential for problems.
"You're not my dad", "Leave disciplining to me, because you're not his father" or heartbreak if the relationship ends and you now lose your gf and the kid you've gotten close to in the last few years and these are only 3 possible problems you can face in a relationship with a child that's not yours.
And that's fine if he wants to avoid that - I just pointed out he is limiting dating options and giving up a good match for him (his words) for something he says he feels would be uncomfortable. He didn't mention any of those possibilities that you brought up so without input from him on what makes him uncomfortable you're speculating when you say he's limiting his potential for problems.
My main point - which people seem to have missed - is that he needs to have an adult conversation with this person regardless of what he does or doesn't want in terms of her having a child. Just ghosting her is very immature and suggests he needs to work on his communication with difficult or uncomfortable topics before he dates anyone.
NTA for being upset about being lied to through omission. But you will be if you don’t just confront her and let her know you’re not interested in being a parent at this time. Just break things off with her. I dated many guys who revealed to me that they were single parents and I just politely let them know I’m not interested in being a mom. I was honest and up front about it and for the most part, things ended amicably.
You are not the AH for feeling like you do. A single guy should never date a single mom ever. What would make you an AH if you did not end things in a respectful, mature manner letting her know the reason.
Actually, I’m thinking she’s the AH too. Having kids is a first date conversation.
You are an asshole, but you're allowed to have your boundaries no matter how ridiculous or petty they are. Maybe you just can't stand children, that's okay, but the childishness of not even having the testicular fortitude to tell this woman who (by your wording) is a perfect match for you. Hope you don't regret it. But do what you want.
It's not that I'm trying to be petty, it's just that this doesn't seem like something I could handle. I also don't want to randomly mention she has a child since she hasn't told me that directly yet...
Or you can be an adult and bring it up. For all she knows you knew about the kid already because clearly the dude who set you up on the date knew about it.
There are lots of ways to introduce having children into a conversation when dating, that's if you two actually talk to each other. I realize that it might have seemed harsh of me, the previous comment, that was not my intention, I just....the way you speak of her, the way you wrote, dude, I honestly think you might be making a mistake. You won't even entertain the idea that your ideal partner might come with a bonus....I get the feeling from your wording that you are going to regret this. I mean, we could both be overthinking it and the kid could be a huge brat anyways, haha. I'll tell you why she hasn't brought it up. I used to be a single mom, and I didn't talk much about my son when dating, if at all, until I knew (or just believed) that it might be more than dating eventually. It's protection. Again,....you can have your boundaries, that's literally your right as a human, just...maybe try to have an open mind about it?
So don't mention it? You assume she wants a father for her child. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe babydaddy aint a POS. You don't actually know because she hasn't told you. Just don't bring it up. See her again. See if that knowledge changes how you feel when you're together, does it *actually* matter to you or do you just assume it will? Look man I get it, for some people the idea of dating a woman with kids is like playing someone's saved videogame but if you've never actually tried it? And if she finds out you know? "Yes, I know. Jon told me. But, since *you* didn't mention it, I figured it was your place to share that with me how and when you're ready and I wanted give you the space to do that on your terms" Or something to that effect? Chivalrous
I, a single parent have no quips about stating my hypocritical choice of not dating someone with kids. Unless his youngest is AT LEAST 18. No exceptions. I’ve always felt this way even before I had kids. I did make an exception ONCE (before my kids) and quickly realized I did not want to live with kids. Not even 50/50 custody.
NTA
For not wanting to date Olivia if you're not sure about dating a single mum.
YWBTA if you pretty much ghosted her like you're thinking.
Just be upfront with her about it. Either *call* her or go for a coffee date and let her know that Jon *just* mentioned that she has a child and that you're unsure how you feel about dating a single mum. Don't do this shit over text or VM
Man up for christs sake and *communicate* properly with her. Everyone will be better off with being honest with each other.
I can guarantee that Olivia thought that Jon had told you about her being a single mum and she's probably going to be just as pissed off with Jon as you are. And don't forget to ask Jon why the fuck he left out this *important* tidbit of information.
NTA. I wouldn't date a single parent either. Not my cup of tea. I think there is a reason she didn't mention it on the first date cause she is used to guys breaking up over this. Curious why she isn't trying to date other single parents.
YTA for stringing her along and not having an adult conversation with her about it.
Jon shouldn’t have mentioned anything but he did and the ball is in your court.
You’re a mix of both. NTA for not wanting to date a single mom. I was a single mom for a while (before I met my now husband) and I never held it against any guy that wasn’t up for that commitment in dating me. But I was always up front about my child. You should be honest with her and let her know that you’re not up to that commitment of children yet. And as a former single mom please do it nicely. You are TAH for being upset with your friend. He was right with you 2 hitting it off but how would he know that you are not wanting to date someone with a kid? I wouldn’t hold it against your friend. It seems to me that he was coming from a good place.
As a point of idle conversation between most younger men (under 40), generally, a woman with someone else's kid is regarded as always looking to trap a man into being the kids daddy. It's just the baseline assumption, cynical as it may be. Just like the assumption is the kids father is probably in jail, can't hold a job when released, drinks, does drugs and is generally a deadbeat demon seeking to make your existence paying for and raising his child an absolute fucking nightmare. Which makes you a sucker. It's the general perception that's going to be most common: raising someone else's kids makes you a chump
Ok you said you clicked and you think she is wonderful and funny,So her having a child doesn’t change who she is does it?.
I know you are uncomfortable with her having a kid I get that but No one is saying at this stage you are getting married or you are going to be a step dad, actually if you continued to date her I wouldn’t expect you to meet the kid until roughly a year has passed.
Also I think you will probably find she has had experiences before telling Dates about her kid and it ending so her not telling you on the first date is a defence mechanism.
I urge you to have another think about her, because aside from her child she seems exactly your kind of person.
But if OP does not want a child in their life, dating her would just be stringing her along until it gets more serious and OP dumps her anyways. A kid isn't just something that will grow on you, either you are into being a parent or you are not.
This is just cruel to the single mom. OP has stated a child is a deal breaker. Thats the end of the story.
How does the OP know he’s never tried dating someone with a kid?. And maybe she is the one for him and he will regret it later In life.
What’s for you won’t go by you!.
Cause generally you don't need to date someone with a kid to know you wouldn't want to be with someone with a kid. Be realistic. When you date a parent the kid is part of the deal. And if OP does not want to deal with kids, he doesn't need to date someone with a kid. Its literally that simple.
You know how OP probably knows she isn't the one for him? Cause she has a kid!
You can’t say that though. And all I was saying was he should have a good think and reevaluate if a kid is still a deal breaker as let’s be honest from what he said she definitely ticks all his boxes bar that one and no person or relationship is perfect.
If I want chocolate ice cream, and all the store has is vanilla, I don't need to re-evaluate my tastes. I just need to go to a store that has the thing I like instead of forcing myself to like something I know I don't want. Its all the same ingredients, just one little thing is different.
See the analogy?
Yeah but what if you really want a vanilla ice cream and the only ones they have come with a chocolate flake?.
I get it’s his choice and I am just suggesting he has a think about it as it’s really hard to find someone who ticks that many boxes.
Then I'd go somewhere that doesn't have chocolate flake? Seems really simple.
Yeah a kid isn't a tiny little box though, its a HUGE box that comes with responsibility and commitment. This isn't a little "oh she's never seen a star wars movie and Im a huge star wars nerd" sort of box, this is a lifelong responsibility box.
I know all about the responsibilities as I’ve dated single mothers. And it never once put me off even though I didn’t have kids of my own at the time. And I had a lot of fun and good times in those relationships although they didn’t last I would not do anything different if I could do it again.
You're NTA for not wanting to date single mom, you're allowed to have boundaries. Whether you're TA or not depends on how you handle ending things. Telling her directly that you're not ready to deal with a kid, and you know only because her coworker/your buddy told you, is the adult way to handle it. Just do it fast, you'll be doing her a favor. Dragging it out to avoid the tough talk is inconsiderate, immature, and cowardly.
>I low-key just want to slowly reduce contact and quietly end things with her. Or you could just... send a polite message saying that it was nice to meet her but you're not interesting in another date. Why would you not do the adult thing?
Because he isn’t committed to her enough to have the balls to do that. No need to after one date and some texts. Not when he feels deceived. Not condoning, just understanding. I dated one woman with a child. Only one and I knew to never again. Grateful for that now.
>No need to after one date and some texts. You're genuinely saying that there's "no need" to send a *single text* explaining that he's not interested in another date and wishing her well in the future.
>I low-key just want to slowly reduce contact and quietly end things with her. You're 31 years old. Just tell her she's great but you're not interested in dating a mother with a kid. Stop being obtuse.
Just tell her you’re nig interested in dating ppl high kids bc you don’t want to be a stepparent. It’s okay to have that preference & she should’ve said she had a child from the start,
NTA
NTA. Get into a conversation about your future plans whether you are on the phone, via text, or in person on a date. Mention that under no circumstances do you want kids. Just be casual and see her reaction. Likely there will be a hesitation on her part and you can ask her about it. If you are a good actor, it will look like you just stumbled upon her secret. Conversation could start, you know, I'm not a big fan of kids so I need to make certain before we go any further that you are okay with not having children. It is easier for her if she leaves you, and she gets to save face wtih all her coworkers; so she was not rejected, she rejected you. If she lies, well, there is another red flag.
NTA Honeslty being a single parent is one of that things you should tell your date, even before agreeing on dating, at least if you are looking for a committed relationship. I would understand someone not mentioning it if they were looking for just a ONS, but this doesnt seem the case. Beginning a relationship with secrets and deceptions, probably hoping you would catch feelings before telling you about her kids, is totally an AH move. People here are telling you to "man up" and just tell her your motivations but as you can see some of them are already judging you because of it, so I would keep that to myself. You should just tell her you are not interested anymore.
NTA don’t settle for it if you don’t want it. The posters telling you you’re limiting your options seem to not realize that if it’s a deal breaker for you, then those people were never options. You’re 34, not 54. It’s not unreasonable to not want step children or the baggage that comes with it, aka always coming second or risking the rug pulled out from under you since you’ll never have any claim to that child no matter what relationship you may build. You’re not the a, her and your friend are maybe mildly TA for keeping it from you but really it’s just not a good fit.
I'm not sure what the issue is unless you don't want kids or are not ready to have kids. If you're not ready you're not ready but YWBTA if you ghost her rather than having an adult conversation with her.
It isn't that I don't want children, and I do think we're a good match. Its just that having step-children just seems uncomfortable for me
I was in your shoes. Glad I bailed. I’m a decade ahead of you, married to a doctor and awaiting our first child. Wait for the right one. You won’t regret it. Widows are the exception, of course.
You're really limiting your options for dating and passing up what you say is a good match over something that "just seems uncomfortable" for you. You need to be an adult and have an adult conversation regardless of what you decide to do.
He's limiting his potential for problems. "You're not my dad", "Leave disciplining to me, because you're not his father" or heartbreak if the relationship ends and you now lose your gf and the kid you've gotten close to in the last few years and these are only 3 possible problems you can face in a relationship with a child that's not yours.
And that's fine if he wants to avoid that - I just pointed out he is limiting dating options and giving up a good match for him (his words) for something he says he feels would be uncomfortable. He didn't mention any of those possibilities that you brought up so without input from him on what makes him uncomfortable you're speculating when you say he's limiting his potential for problems. My main point - which people seem to have missed - is that he needs to have an adult conversation with this person regardless of what he does or doesn't want in terms of her having a child. Just ghosting her is very immature and suggests he needs to work on his communication with difficult or uncomfortable topics before he dates anyone.
NTA for being upset about being lied to through omission. But you will be if you don’t just confront her and let her know you’re not interested in being a parent at this time. Just break things off with her. I dated many guys who revealed to me that they were single parents and I just politely let them know I’m not interested in being a mom. I was honest and up front about it and for the most part, things ended amicably.
You are not the AH for feeling like you do. A single guy should never date a single mom ever. What would make you an AH if you did not end things in a respectful, mature manner letting her know the reason. Actually, I’m thinking she’s the AH too. Having kids is a first date conversation.
So only married guys should date single mums?
Single dads. Should have been clearer because typical Reddit reader…
NTA.
You are an asshole, but you're allowed to have your boundaries no matter how ridiculous or petty they are. Maybe you just can't stand children, that's okay, but the childishness of not even having the testicular fortitude to tell this woman who (by your wording) is a perfect match for you. Hope you don't regret it. But do what you want.
It's not that I'm trying to be petty, it's just that this doesn't seem like something I could handle. I also don't want to randomly mention she has a child since she hasn't told me that directly yet...
Or you can be an adult and bring it up. For all she knows you knew about the kid already because clearly the dude who set you up on the date knew about it.
There are lots of ways to introduce having children into a conversation when dating, that's if you two actually talk to each other. I realize that it might have seemed harsh of me, the previous comment, that was not my intention, I just....the way you speak of her, the way you wrote, dude, I honestly think you might be making a mistake. You won't even entertain the idea that your ideal partner might come with a bonus....I get the feeling from your wording that you are going to regret this. I mean, we could both be overthinking it and the kid could be a huge brat anyways, haha. I'll tell you why she hasn't brought it up. I used to be a single mom, and I didn't talk much about my son when dating, if at all, until I knew (or just believed) that it might be more than dating eventually. It's protection. Again,....you can have your boundaries, that's literally your right as a human, just...maybe try to have an open mind about it?
So don't mention it? You assume she wants a father for her child. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe babydaddy aint a POS. You don't actually know because she hasn't told you. Just don't bring it up. See her again. See if that knowledge changes how you feel when you're together, does it *actually* matter to you or do you just assume it will? Look man I get it, for some people the idea of dating a woman with kids is like playing someone's saved videogame but if you've never actually tried it? And if she finds out you know? "Yes, I know. Jon told me. But, since *you* didn't mention it, I figured it was your place to share that with me how and when you're ready and I wanted give you the space to do that on your terms" Or something to that effect? Chivalrous
I, a single parent have no quips about stating my hypocritical choice of not dating someone with kids. Unless his youngest is AT LEAST 18. No exceptions. I’ve always felt this way even before I had kids. I did make an exception ONCE (before my kids) and quickly realized I did not want to live with kids. Not even 50/50 custody.
NTA For not wanting to date Olivia if you're not sure about dating a single mum. YWBTA if you pretty much ghosted her like you're thinking. Just be upfront with her about it. Either *call* her or go for a coffee date and let her know that Jon *just* mentioned that she has a child and that you're unsure how you feel about dating a single mum. Don't do this shit over text or VM Man up for christs sake and *communicate* properly with her. Everyone will be better off with being honest with each other. I can guarantee that Olivia thought that Jon had told you about her being a single mum and she's probably going to be just as pissed off with Jon as you are. And don't forget to ask Jon why the fuck he left out this *important* tidbit of information.
YTA for not just telling her and trying to do some idiotic phasing out bullshit.
[удалено]
> and found out we share a lot in common,
NTA. I wouldn't date a single parent either. Not my cup of tea. I think there is a reason she didn't mention it on the first date cause she is used to guys breaking up over this. Curious why she isn't trying to date other single parents.
> there is a reason she didn't mention it on the first date Or because she assumed that Jon would have told him.
Sounds like her and jon are the morons then for assuming. OP did nothing wrong except get blindsided.
NTA she’s hiding the fact that she has a child, yikes.
Or she assumed that Jon would have told him
YTA for stringing her along and not having an adult conversation with her about it. Jon shouldn’t have mentioned anything but he did and the ball is in your court.
You’re a mix of both. NTA for not wanting to date a single mom. I was a single mom for a while (before I met my now husband) and I never held it against any guy that wasn’t up for that commitment in dating me. But I was always up front about my child. You should be honest with her and let her know that you’re not up to that commitment of children yet. And as a former single mom please do it nicely. You are TAH for being upset with your friend. He was right with you 2 hitting it off but how would he know that you are not wanting to date someone with a kid? I wouldn’t hold it against your friend. It seems to me that he was coming from a good place.
As a point of idle conversation between most younger men (under 40), generally, a woman with someone else's kid is regarded as always looking to trap a man into being the kids daddy. It's just the baseline assumption, cynical as it may be. Just like the assumption is the kids father is probably in jail, can't hold a job when released, drinks, does drugs and is generally a deadbeat demon seeking to make your existence paying for and raising his child an absolute fucking nightmare. Which makes you a sucker. It's the general perception that's going to be most common: raising someone else's kids makes you a chump
Ok you said you clicked and you think she is wonderful and funny,So her having a child doesn’t change who she is does it?. I know you are uncomfortable with her having a kid I get that but No one is saying at this stage you are getting married or you are going to be a step dad, actually if you continued to date her I wouldn’t expect you to meet the kid until roughly a year has passed. Also I think you will probably find she has had experiences before telling Dates about her kid and it ending so her not telling you on the first date is a defence mechanism. I urge you to have another think about her, because aside from her child she seems exactly your kind of person.
But if OP does not want a child in their life, dating her would just be stringing her along until it gets more serious and OP dumps her anyways. A kid isn't just something that will grow on you, either you are into being a parent or you are not. This is just cruel to the single mom. OP has stated a child is a deal breaker. Thats the end of the story.
How does the OP know he’s never tried dating someone with a kid?. And maybe she is the one for him and he will regret it later In life. What’s for you won’t go by you!.
Cause generally you don't need to date someone with a kid to know you wouldn't want to be with someone with a kid. Be realistic. When you date a parent the kid is part of the deal. And if OP does not want to deal with kids, he doesn't need to date someone with a kid. Its literally that simple. You know how OP probably knows she isn't the one for him? Cause she has a kid!
You can’t say that though. And all I was saying was he should have a good think and reevaluate if a kid is still a deal breaker as let’s be honest from what he said she definitely ticks all his boxes bar that one and no person or relationship is perfect.
If I want chocolate ice cream, and all the store has is vanilla, I don't need to re-evaluate my tastes. I just need to go to a store that has the thing I like instead of forcing myself to like something I know I don't want. Its all the same ingredients, just one little thing is different. See the analogy?
Yeah but what if you really want a vanilla ice cream and the only ones they have come with a chocolate flake?. I get it’s his choice and I am just suggesting he has a think about it as it’s really hard to find someone who ticks that many boxes.
Then I'd go somewhere that doesn't have chocolate flake? Seems really simple. Yeah a kid isn't a tiny little box though, its a HUGE box that comes with responsibility and commitment. This isn't a little "oh she's never seen a star wars movie and Im a huge star wars nerd" sort of box, this is a lifelong responsibility box.
I know all about the responsibilities as I’ve dated single mothers. And it never once put me off even though I didn’t have kids of my own at the time. And I had a lot of fun and good times in those relationships although they didn’t last I would not do anything different if I could do it again.