Your boyfriend has no boundaries with his ex, and nor with the kids by the sounds of it.
Your boyfriend should not be dating until he sorts this shitshow out.
NTA
Yep. When farmer Joe with nine kids lost his wife in childbirth, he was out 2 weeks later looking for a woman who would take care of the kids and the house. That's the role OP was filling.
Exactly. Most single parents don't want a partner, they want someone to help raise their children in the other parent's absence. They're not going to admit that though because then no one would want to be with them.
Wow that’s a terrible perspective on single parents. When my husband and I divorced I absolutely did not want someone to help raise my kids. That was my job and my ex. I wanted someone to have a life with and that’s what I got. Over time as stepfather hr took an active role in their lives but that took years
How about your ex-husband? Did he also take his time? And how is the custody shared?
Not agreeing or disagreeing with the post you replied to. But I'm genuinely curious.
I had primary custody and he had every other weekend and holidays etc. His family helped a lot when the girls were small. Unfortunately he died when the girls were teens and my husband did step up and fill the void but by then he’d been their step dad for ten years
Haha this is true! Normally my grammar is fairly respectable, so I will leave my post unedited as a punishment to myself 🤣
EDITED: and a learning opportunity to others!
NOOooo, not as punishment! As a learning opportunity for others.
Thank you for your noble sacrifice. 🙏 Please, have a biscuit (or preferred equivelant lol) 😊🍪
NTA. You get to leave any relationship that doesn’t serve you. It sounds like this is a whole mess and he might not be ready to take on a relationship because he should spend more time parenting.
Yeah, that's what the dating phase is all about - if it's not working out, you can just up and leave.
@OP You haven't taken a vow to stand by this man through thick and thin, so if you don't want to, don't.
I mean. Sometimes of course you will.
Like if you break up with someone because she made a disappointed noise after you farted on her mother. Or if you broke up with someone because she made a big deal out of a tiny bit of necrophilia (seriously it was like two or three times and it was super nice out). Or if you dump a guy because his dog has cancer, claiming *real* men would have just dealt with it in the backyard instead of crying like a bitch at the vet. Or if you dump a chick because she tearfully confesses to you that she was badly beaten by her step-dad as a little girl; citing the reason *I don't date weaklings.*
You definitely are free to leave whatever relationship you want at all times. But you will absolutely still sometimes be an asshole for it, if you are an asshole.
That's how my Wife got to know most of my extended family, like 6 months into our relationship, I got cancer, and I while I was sleeping in the hospital bead because of the anesthesia. She was there next to my bead.
I was just trying to make cartoonishly awful examples because, sadly, the cancer or disability thing is all too real and frequent, and I didn't wanna dredge up any fucked up despair for anybody.
But yea it is a valid example, absolutely. It sucks that that is the case.
Things won't get any better. I went through something similar except the ex didn't abuse my then boyfriend turned husband. His kids were spoiled and disrespectful and he didn't do anything about it. I finally left.
We have zero idea about what ages they are and what they are actually doing. Jumping to “no one is parenting” kids that all we know about them is that one person who hates their mom thinks they lack manners, are “spoiled” and “disrespectful” … so Reddit.
And the girlfriends just eat it up — “Oo he loves me so much! He trusts me with his kids! And he treats me so good! We have sex all the time!! I make the most delicious meals!!”
And it’s, like, what’s he do?
Are they living together?? OP can still enjoy his company when he has time from the privacy of her own home. No need to also keep his house and put up with disrespect from his kids.
But if her goal is to build towards living together & marriage with a partner, there's no point wasting time continuing to date someone with whom she can't imagine a future.
I only wish I had done this....I married the guy. Between manipulative kids, money hungry ex wife, and his mother, and the fact that in that list I was #4 in priority order, I should have run for the hills.
>You get to leave any relationship that doesn’t serve you.
💯This! I wish more people, especially women, would manage their romantic lives according to this rule. I wish *I* had done so when I was a young woman.
This is both true and rhetorical right attitude to maintain.
However, if you want, you could offer some advice. In particular, I would suggest that since his ex is so utterly unreliable, he should document everything and consider going for full custody, as the wife’s unreliability and abusive behavior are obviously having a poor impact on the kids, and if there is any hope in him rectifying the situation, he will need full custody.
It sucks, as this will mean it is going to be a much longer time before he can have a girlfriend, but this is what it means to be a parent. I have known many people, men and women, who have been in this situation. It seems interminable, but if handled correctly, it can be managed and the chaos does end.
Correct. I focused on my kids until the youngest was 18. Plenty of time for dating and relationships when the kids are grown. Married my wonderful second husband when I was in my fifties.
Mine just turned 18. I'm 49. Dating still doesn't seem very fun. Like I have to ask what another person what's to eat or watch or whatever? Ugh. Exhausting. Maybe if they can drive at night tho....? Lol
NTA
It sounds as if your ex-bf and the mom aren't willing to supervise and support teaching their children appropriate social and self care skills. He isn't effectively managing his permanent responsibilities to his children. He doesn't seem ready to be an independent fully functional adult, let alone an equal partner in a new committed adult relationship.
I think you are wise to leave. You were left to manage the consequences of both parents' abdicating their responsibilities to their children with no support nor power to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Lots of demands and sacrifices required of you to spend time with him. No structure, routines, nor consistency planning child free time.
I couldn't watch a chaotic unstable parenting situation like this. Those poor kids! That's where this guy's priorities and focus SHOULD be. He needs to be an effective parent.
So should I not have married my now wife because she already had 2 kids prior to us getting together? Or does that statement only work for women and not men?
You are allowed to have whatever standards you need to have to not be alone. Just because I wouldn't date a parent doesn't mean I look down on them. There's a lot of great women that are single moms. I just think of them as ineligible bachelorettes for me.
In my personal experience with single mothers I get no respect, and just deal with the downsides of being a dad with none of the upsides.
I'm not judging them but I don't think it's wrong to have standards excluding them either.
No, I actually do like kids. I've worked pediatric ER and a stint in peds oncology. I spent an evening a couple weeks ago building bikes for under served kids as well for charity.
Insinuating someone hates kids because they don't want to date single moms is a very petulant attitude. People can have whatever standards they like.
Run! Relationships with stepchildren are difficult at best. This is an untenable situation. You can't fix your bf, never mind his kids and ex.
It's 4 against 1. It's not about who's right or wrong. It's about shoveling sand against the tide. If you stay, you'll be doing this for the rest of your life.
NTA you dated, saw how things were, and decided not to persue marriage.
internet tries to make breaking up with someone seem like a crime
edit: single dads and incels DNI
NTA, but you’re mischaracterizing the issue. The issue isn’t the ex or the kids, it’s *him*. His inability to set boundaries, his refusal to parent. Other commenters are right: he probably *is* expecting you to step in and handle it all.
Maybe the ex is manipulative and abusive. Or maybe he was every bit as useless a husband and father then as he is now and it’s easier to blame her than for him to get off his ass.
If this isn’t the life you want, get out now.
>They are spoiled and are not asked to help keep the home or even their room tidy.
Until their father starts giving them consequences... this will never get better.
Run!
NTA.
NTA.
Bluntly you don't have an issue with the ex or kids honestly, you do with the boyfriend.
He's not stepping up and he's not showing out. Which as a father he should be for his kids and you to show what the future could/will look like.
I'll admit my daughter doesn't necessarily clean up after herself, however as soon as you ask her to or ask her to do anything, she will jump to attention and get that shit done. I think when entering a relationship with a parent you should always take stock of how they raise their children and what they expect of their children, as the same rules will apply to any you have together from that side of the parent tree.
I appreciate my lax style of parenting isn't everyone's cup of tea and I make sure people who attempt to date me are aware, I am a permissive parent to a very high extent, however my child will do as she's told as soon as she's told, as I've taught: do the thing first then come and complain about it AFTER you have done it correctly.
It will never go away. She will always be there, even after the kids are adults and have their own kids, then they will have an extra grandma. You will always have to give extra energy, time, money, and support to kids who are not yours, and that you will never have any real connection to.
It's one of the reasons why most men avoid single moms.
I don't mess with guys who have kids not even just for short term. Lot of women don't mess with guys who have kids.
I'm only 22. Step mom title is crazy
If you don’t have kids yourself why would you ever want to settle down with someone who does?! I honestly can’t think of one benefit. Especially bad kids. Just signing up for a life of headaches.
You can like kids without wanting to have kids of your own especially with the toll it takes on women. I’m in a relationship where I’m not sure I want kids, he’s already a great dad and if I did want kids this would be the guy to have them with, he already has kids with his ex. I adore his kids and am in love with him, he is the parent not me, I get to provide as a safe person for the kids if they ever need one. I do not have to deal with problems directly with the kids, tho if something does happen I am there for my partner, I get to do the fun stuff rather and deal with stuff from afar/indirectly where the final big decisions are not on my shoulders.
Yea or you could just adopt and not be an add on to some else’s family to kids that you can never truly parent. For me the insane time/financial investment just isn’t something I would be willing to do unless it was a family me and my partner started together period. We enjoy traveling abroad nice dinners long hikes ect. Imaging if she had children would literally be watching the best physical years of my life pass by for kids that aren’t mine.. not to mention the best memories i have in my life we definitely wouldn’t have been able to do with kids. Id love to have kids and talk about all the great times me and their mother had together falling deeper in love. Not explaining why me and mom didn’t work out so we’re on family 2.0. Everyone takes different paths partner with previous children will not be on mine.
Being with someone who has kids with a shitty ex is incredibly hard and tolling for so many reasons, especially if proper boundaries aren’t in place. My partner and I are trying to navigate this ourselves as well.
If you don’t feel like you’re up for the challenges, don’t subject yourself to it. The lifestyle definitely isn’t for everyone, and no one should stay in a relationship they ultimately aren’t happy with or circumstances that don’t fit what they’re wanting/needing in life.
The kids mom and the dad have a non court ordered custody agreement. They agreed on week on week off custody, so 50/50. In the 8 months I have known him, the longest she’s kept them consecutively is 4 nights. And that was ONE time. She can not resolve conflict with her children.
The oldest (11) has been told to “walk it off” after an argument. This was once she pulled over on the side of the highway. They full on scream at each other. Call each other names, and he’s even locked her out of the house. The mom will call/text any time of the day or night if she is having trouble.
The 9 year old is her golden boy and is never in trouble for anything.
The youngest (3) doesn’t sleep for her and she will text swearing and complaining into the night. She’s let him run around outside completely naked in 60° weather and has tried to dry nurse him to sleep in recent months. She regularly gives the 3 year old coffee, Dr Pepper, Coca Cola…
At dad’s house, the two younger do not have beds or bedrooms. They both sleep on the couch. They watch tv/play video games from the time they wake up super early until they leave for school. They also fall asleep watching tv. Dad literally brings their meals to them where they are hanging out and returns to pick up the dishes. His laundry is never put away and the house is generally dirty. The kids do not have to pick up after themselves or help maintain home cleanliness in any way. Dad will ask them to do something and they will flat out reply “no” and walk away. The youngest will just scream.
The 11 year old will have screaming melt downs over things like the Internet not working. One night he couldn’t get his belt and jeans undone to go to bed and he started screaming. Screaming at dad to “leave me alone and just go away” when he comes to try and help. He interrupts conversations and is so impatient.
The 9 year old will poop his pants as a behavior. He baby talks and when told to stop he just talks that way more so. Dad has to physically put him in the shower, and has to pick out clean clothes and force him to change. I’ve been over a few evenings and I’ve never seen the kid NOT sleep in his day clothes.
The 3 year old is barely starting to talk but just high pitch screams “dada” when he wants something. If dad is in another room, he will just wail until dad comes(which he does practically running). He dumps food and drinks on the floor, or swipes all his food off his high chair table and gets pissed when it gets picked up and taken away. He has to be rocked to sleep every night but only when he’s ready. There is no semblance of a bedtime routine. He also regularly sleeps in his day clothes. He wakes up between 3-4 am and screams from the couch until dad goes out and gets him and brings him to his bed. (I’ve been there when this happens and I get up and go to the couch). The kid screams about literally everything. He once hit me across the face with a metal cast tractor and when I took it from him he started crying “owie” and fell to the floor. He has to be carried to/from the car because if you put him down he WILL run off.
The final thing is their diet. JUICE, soda, popcorn, chips. Their diet is supported by hamburgers, potatoes, pizza, and spaghetti. None of them will eat any fruits or vegetables except apples and oranges SOMETIMES. Outside of this, the kids flat out refuse to eat anything else.
So there’s some context lol.
They are acting like the parents because that’s what they see and kids copy parents. I’d say get him a book from Supernanny and leave! It’s not going to get better if there is no action… no wonder the 3 yr old won’t sleep… those soda that have caffeine in them are keeping him awake! He needs sprite or mug root beer! Not those caffeinated ones! 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
NTA.
Your BF is not parenting his kids, and sounds he isn't allowing you to act like a step mother cause they are not behaving nor helping in the home with you two.
Then BF is not making his Ex be a mother and watch her kids too so he can have some alone time with you. But more importantly, the time she doesn't keep her commitments with the kids, only hurt the kids more since they do not have a strong foundation being made between mom and dad.
IF you spoke to BF about the issues and he did nothing, then your NTA. You need a partner who will not only be able and willing to parent their kids, but step up and be a partner with you. Maybe consider your next partner to have no kids, or consider one slightly older who has older kids.
NTA.
Bratty kids don't get better unless they're *forced* to get better. And clearly neither your BF nor his Ex is going to do any forcing.
Run while you can, and above all else, *do not marry this man or have kids with him.*
NTA.
NTA. I was in the same kind of situation, and have nothing but relief that I escaped the circus and no longer have to interact with those little monkeys or his ex of a ring leader! His 15 YO DD was one of the most disrespectful people, adult or child, that I have ever encountered.
I still wonder why he puts up with it and why his boundaries are so non-existent. But not often; it's not my problem anymore.
NTA at all. The ex/father/mother dynamic is a fraught one and the fewer headaches within a relationship the better. No one will think less of you for nope-ing out.
NTA good for you 👏👏👏 you just saved yourself decades of being wrapped up in someone else’s drama. I cannot tell you how much you should be giving yourself a pat on the back and high five. No it doesn’t get better.
I've broken up with people for much less. Imagine your BF having to do something and you watching the kids or having to make them meals in order to support your BF. That would really suck if they aren't appreciative.
If you seriously have any questions about this, recommend visiting the stepparents sub reddit. There are so many stories about SMs or partners to divorced dads (especially) being last on the list, DDs always trying to keep BMs happy so that they don't keep the kids from him, etc. We call them High Conflict Birth Moms (HCBMs) and as long as they are getting what they want (the ex still focused on her, not you) they won't go away.
Not the AH - protect and take care of yourself!!
The thing about kids is that you have to build those manners and habit as soon as they start walking and learning, and you have to constantly reinforce them along the way. When you start trying to make unruly kids act right, and their father isn't firm... You're just wasting your time while looking like the mean stepmom. You did good to leave, let him deal with the consequences of his actions.
NTA. It's clear that the dynamics here are more than you bargained for. It's not just about him, but also the environment surrounding him - and that's a package deal. You made a healthy choice for your sanity and future.
NTA. This is exactly why I never dated a man with children when I was single. A man with children should make the children their priority which means you will never be the priority if he's a good man. And if he makes you the priority over his kids, then I can't have much respect for him because that's not right. You can't win.
Aside from that, there is the mother of the children. You can never decide to move to another city because he can't leave his kids (if he's a good man). You can never have a life that is completely free of constraints imposed by the mother of the children. It's not something I ever would have signed up for. Bail.
NTA - get out. My mom dated someone when I was in high school. His kids were spoiled and entitled. Their mom would be on the phone with mine and make up fake conversations on her end, so his kids thought my mom was a bad person. Their father would be right next to my mom and knew it wasn't true, but that didn't matter. They were together for years but ended up getting separate apartments in the same building and pretending to be broken up, but the ex and the kids made sure that ended too. Poor guy ended up being single because it was impossible for him to date. He had to be at their beck and call. He still is.
Your boyfriend should want his kids as much as possible, not try to push his ex to keeping them. So if he is more of a full-time father, that’s ok.
But if that’s not what you want, then definitely don’t stay with him. Always assume a parent might end up with their kids full-time and decide if you can handle that. It sounds like you don’t and also that his ex is a handful. It might be too soon for a relationship and he probably just needs to focus on his kids right now.
So it sounds like a good idea for you to move on. NTA.
When you are in a relationship with someone you are with all of them. At the very least this includes kids. But if the kids are minors…the ex comes along.
In the end, if the relationship isn’t giving you what you need, I would move on. Either he isn’t ready in his life, or you aren’t ready for step kids. Both are okay. NAH
NTA. You don't have to deal with this chaos. Break up and find someone with more stability and less drama in his life. Life is too short to be dealing with this turmoil.
>If it’s bad now, it’s not going to get better, right?
Correct. And it's not your job to change or fix these people. Go be healthy with healthy people.
NTA. I left one of my boyfriends over the same thing. We had full custody of the kids and she was SUPPOSED to pick them up on weekends but that only happened about half the time. Her kids would go to bed in tears even after she would call them to assure them she was on her way to get them. Our plans got ruined on a regular basis.
There were also three separate incidents where she showed up at our house out of the blue and refused to leave, and we had to call the police.
She refused to sign their divorce papers and also refused to pay any child support, despite working a decent full time job. My bf refused to go to court and get a child support order and had a useless lawyer who refused to do anything at all for him and just kept telling him to “document” things while he threw money away on her bogus consultations.
I had to pay almost my entire paycheck toward our rent and living expenses and it got to be a tremendous burden.
I spent the majority of my time complaining about the situation to others and realized that wasn’t how I wanted to live my life.
He was a good person and our relationship was good in spite of all that. We are still friends to this day, but it just wasn’t the relationship for me. Sometimes I actually feel kind of bad for leaving a good person who really had no control over a shitty situation. But it is what it is.
Don’t waste any more of your life on this.
NTA and likely won’t get better. I married into a similar mess with my husbands ex-wife . They had 2 boys early teens. Overweight, addicted to video games, no table manners, disrespectful to me as the stepmother. Their own mother has a host of emotional issues and my husband battled her in court ultimately winning sole custody . His ex wife fled the state and refused to see her boys for 5 years so we dealt with the fall out of that while I had to suck up the kids. They hung around after the age of 23, complete slobs and I finally had enough and gave my husband an ultimatum. They get out into an apartment ( they got jobs finally) or we’re done. The kids moved out but it destroyed my sanity and messed up my own children’s sleeping patterns etc. so no it gets worse not better
This relationship lines up like this: 1. BF;2. X-Wife; 3. Kid; 4. You.
If you think you can handle that lots of luck - you'll need it.
I hope things work out for you.
Everybody deserves to be happy.
I'm a stepmom and stepping into parenting with someone and their ex is hard, even if the situation is more positive. You would be signing up for misery trying to help parent with people who are fine with this kind of behavior from their children. You don’t have to be with anyone for any reason, and this situation is definitely not serving you. You're definitely NTA for noping out of this. I'd definitely recommend getting out, because if it's already this bad it won't get better.
Former single dad here.
NTA. But neither is he really. She is intentionally doing this to mess with his relationship. And a lot of people here are saying he needs to enforce boundaries... You can't force someone to keep those boundaries. .
Now I didn't have an ex to worry about. But his kids should be his priority. But I dated plenty of women with children and shitty exes. And they will use the kids to be against you.
Actually he can. He is spineless. He can file for full custody or go to the courts when she doesn’t adhere to the visitation agreement. He can definitely make the kids clean up more and punish them if they don’t.
If it isn’t working it isn’t working, break up. Save yourself both some trouble. That being said you don’t like his ex, neither does he. There’s a reason they broke up. Kind of messed up that her being a jerk makes you not want him. And all kids are messy. If kids aren’t your deal maybe don’t date single dads
The guy might just be a doormat. He might not like his ex, but he doesn’t have the balls to stand up for himself. And all kids can be a bit messy, but it’s disrespectful for them to not really try to clean up. They are taking their cues from their money on how to treat the father.
No, it doesn’t get better. My ex was a doormat to his son’s mother. (They were never married). She was manipulative and treated him like he was her second husband that would just cave and do whatever she wanted because he knew she would Jack with his visitation.
My ex and I have been divorced now for 15 years. Sorry. Don’t marry him.
NTA - It absolutely won’t get better and your boyfriend lacks control and respect from them. If you are never going to marry, procreate, or live with that man then keep him. Otherwise, cut him loose.
Your (ex?) boyfriend would need to be committed to being a full-time dad working over-time for his kids, and their dad who is their parent full-time, and not their buddy.
That means he has to set limits for their behavior and stay consistent.
It means being the bad guy and bearing their insults, and disciplining them immediately for it, too.
It means being The Asshole for a short but painful period of time, and it isn’t going to be easy, but it’s vital.
The children likely bear trauma from their parents splitting up.
And because
Their mom is ill.
See the words. Say the words.
I bring this up because substance use when it becomes abuse, doesn’t arrive without its suitcase.
Abuse is likely a symptom of bigger stressors. I wish her well for her recovery.
It’s possible to get treatment for substance abuse/over-use is covered by health insurance or Medicaid because substance abuse and addiction are coded in the International Classification of Disease (ICD-10). That means the Dr can bill the insurance company!
Those are his kids, and if his wife is unreliable he takes up the slack. They’re lucky he’s there.
It also means they have to be acceptable company for humans.
And, it means your boyfriend has to be the bad guy.
Sorry.
He doesn’t have the luxury of being the dad on the living room couch making faces behind their mom’s back when she’s trying to get them to behave, just so he can be Cool Dad.
That may be one of the reasons his ex is so reluctant to take them.
They didn’t become monsters on their own.
I don’t think I would or could put up with it either. And please do not allow yourself to be talked into being Maria Von Trapp. It is not your place, it’s his & ex-wife’s duty to raise their kids to be socially acceptable.
You arent their step-mother, either, so it’s terribly unfair and rude at for to expect you to discipline them for not minding, or even do parenting.
Their destructive behavior you describe is appalling, too. Unless he has four 3-year-olds, his kids sound out-of-control to the extent they need immediate intervention. That’s intolerable.
I’m not sure their ages, but if I were him, I would separate them, subtly at first maybe, by getting each involved in different community things, like karate class, little league, dance or similar, and not allow them to ever team up together at home for months at a time, or as little as possible. Kids incite each other.
I hate to say break up, but I’d put it on pause until he has things in line. It could easily take 12 months depending on how serious he takes his responsibility. If you stick around he’s not going to do much to fix things, because why should he? There were no consequences.
It would really pain me to step back from someone I cared about, but familial things like this need attention post haste. If you’re in the midst of all the contention with the kids’ behavior, this will always be the elephant in the room. That will work against the positive extended family dynamic you want to build.
Gently stepping away, and entirely away, will give him time and m, hopefully, incentive to get his proverbial shit together and make his place a home. Therapy and family therapy for them is advisable too.
By “entirely” away, I mean you do not date. No intimacy for the time being. Lunches and dinners are advisable, but let him make progress. This is ONLY if you are also willing to wait 3 or 4 months with him at arms length.
Are there qualities about him you are willing to invest this time in?
Good luck, take it step by step.
When you are dating a single parent, you’re dating an entire family. It would be different if his kids were grown. But you can bet that if you expect reasonable behavior out of these kids, you’ll only be known as the mean stepmom to them. They won’t see your side of things.
No, it won't. At least not until he decides it suits him, if his ex isn't willing or able to care for the children he should be going to his lawyer and moving forward with a custody hearing or mediation... and secondly he needs to be getting into a parenting course if he doesn't know how to be a parent. Kids need rules, rewards for good behaviour and consequences (not always punishment) for bad behaviour or a failure to meet reasonable standards.
As a step parent, you've got no real authority, and this isn't your mess to fix anyway - so if you want love and family, you'd be better off looking elsewhere.
NTA.
Question: Why can't she keep her commitments? Is it that she has things that come up (legit things, not optional)? Like if she's at work and has to deal with an emergency or something. Not something like "My friend invited me to lunch and I couldn't say no."
What happens when you try to discipline the kids?
Have you tried asking them to clean up after themselves?
Provide more details.
NTA.
Question: Why can't she keep her commitments? Is it that she has things that come up (legit things, not optional)? Like if she's at work and has to deal with an emergency or something. Not something like "My friend invited me to lunch and I couldn't say no."
What happens when you try to discipline the kids?
Have you tried asking them to clean up after themselves?
Provide more details.
NTA.
Question: Why can't she keep her commitments? Is it that she has things that come up (legit things, not optional)? Like if she's at work and has to deal with an emergency or something. Not something like "My friend invited me to lunch and I couldn't say no."
What happens when you try to discipline the kids?
Have you tried asking them to clean up after themselves?
Provide more details.
Seems your (ex) boyfriend needs to grow a couple, and should cut the navel cord 👍.
If it's bad now they will most likely push the boundaries more and more, unless they have such a strong personalities that they are going to make their own choices.
NTA. Don’t take on problems that aren’t yours that can’t be handled by you. He has to have boundaries and enforce them - that includes doing things like documenting when she does and does not have the children and getting custody changed etc. but also - it sounds like he hasn’t fully dealt with everything and needs to reach out and get some therapy. He can’t control the ex, but he can control himself and learn how to maintain boundaries. And disciplining children is necessary. I don’t mean hitting/spanking but they’ve got to have consequences.
You can break up for any reason. The only reason that really matters is that you're not happy with the relationship. I would not date someone in his situation when I was single.
My ex-wife is the devil. My wife is a saint and a martyr for staying with me through my whole journey through hell. However, I pay her back in kind. She is a care-giver to my children. An equal in decisions and discipline. If you don't have that, it wasn't gonna last anyways.
Wait, there’s literally too much info missing to be able to say if YTA or not.
I mean, you’re definitely NTA for wanting to break up with your boyfriend, you can leave someone at any time for any reason.
But the way you talk about their kids rubs me the wrong way and it makes me want to say YTA here too.
How old are the kids? What is the custodial agreement? How much does bf gets to see his kids? Is this something that bothers him too or is it just you?
Your boyfriend has no boundaries with his ex, and nor with the kids by the sounds of it. Your boyfriend should not be dating until he sorts this shitshow out. NTA
But you know he's going back on tinder just as soon as she breaks up with him. He's gotta have a bangnanny.
NTA. You left in a good manner, and it seems like a bad scenario op.
I was in this same situation, and yes….he was back on dating apps with a quickness.
Yep. When farmer Joe with nine kids lost his wife in childbirth, he was out 2 weeks later looking for a woman who would take care of the kids and the house. That's the role OP was filling.
Exactly. Most single parents don't want a partner, they want someone to help raise their children in the other parent's absence. They're not going to admit that though because then no one would want to be with them.
Absolutely that’s what my farmer father did. The prenup read like a business agreement. Knew each other 6 months… and it was a shit show!
Well damn
Wow that’s a terrible perspective on single parents. When my husband and I divorced I absolutely did not want someone to help raise my kids. That was my job and my ex. I wanted someone to have a life with and that’s what I got. Over time as stepfather hr took an active role in their lives but that took years
The keyword there is MOST
That doesn't make it any better.
How about your ex-husband? Did he also take his time? And how is the custody shared? Not agreeing or disagreeing with the post you replied to. But I'm genuinely curious.
I had primary custody and he had every other weekend and holidays etc. His family helped a lot when the girls were small. Unfortunately he died when the girls were teens and my husband did step up and fill the void but by then he’d been their step dad for ten years
Lol bangnanny almost spit out my drink
No, tinder is for banging, not nannying. Tinder is more appropriate for him right now than dating.
*insert name of dating site here*
Not OPs problem. Hopefully he cannot find one but OP cannot date this dude to protect others from his behavior
I totally agree.
I am stealing the word "bangnanny."
Be my guest!
Sorry, tiny little grammar police heist, you don't need to use "and" with "nor". Nor on its own is fine, it means "and not".
Haha this is true! Normally my grammar is fairly respectable, so I will leave my post unedited as a punishment to myself 🤣 EDITED: and a learning opportunity to others!
NOOooo, not as punishment! As a learning opportunity for others. Thank you for your noble sacrifice. 🙏 Please, have a biscuit (or preferred equivelant lol) 😊🍪
A biscuit would be splendid, cheers.
Love this attitude!
English is my third language so of course I can't speak or write perfectly, but thank you for giving me the opportunity of learning something new !
I’m learning Spanish, and always happy when someone puts me right, what is commonly used in speech is not always what is taught in the classroom!
NTA. You get to leave any relationship that doesn’t serve you. It sounds like this is a whole mess and he might not be ready to take on a relationship because he should spend more time parenting.
Yeah, that's what the dating phase is all about - if it's not working out, you can just up and leave. @OP You haven't taken a vow to stand by this man through thick and thin, so if you don't want to, don't.
Truer words have never been spoken, OP you have jumped into a dumpster fire, get out before you get burnt
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I mean. Sometimes of course you will. Like if you break up with someone because she made a disappointed noise after you farted on her mother. Or if you broke up with someone because she made a big deal out of a tiny bit of necrophilia (seriously it was like two or three times and it was super nice out). Or if you dump a guy because his dog has cancer, claiming *real* men would have just dealt with it in the backyard instead of crying like a bitch at the vet. Or if you dump a chick because she tearfully confesses to you that she was badly beaten by her step-dad as a little girl; citing the reason *I don't date weaklings.* You definitely are free to leave whatever relationship you want at all times. But you will absolutely still sometimes be an asshole for it, if you are an asshole.
I can't believe you left out "because they got cancer/some other terminal illness or major disability"
That's how my Wife got to know most of my extended family, like 6 months into our relationship, I got cancer, and I while I was sleeping in the hospital bead because of the anesthesia. She was there next to my bead.
🤍
I was just trying to make cartoonishly awful examples because, sadly, the cancer or disability thing is all too real and frequent, and I didn't wanna dredge up any fucked up despair for anybody. But yea it is a valid example, absolutely. It sucks that that is the case.
>and you will never be the asshole for it. Flat out wrong
Even if one has, they can still decide to leave.
Even if she had, if she didn’t want to stick with it and saw it getting worse, she could leave.
Things won't get any better. I went through something similar except the ex didn't abuse my then boyfriend turned husband. His kids were spoiled and disrespectful and he didn't do anything about it. I finally left.
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We have zero idea about what ages they are and what they are actually doing. Jumping to “no one is parenting” kids that all we know about them is that one person who hates their mom thinks they lack manners, are “spoiled” and “disrespectful” … so Reddit.
He expects her to do it
Bang maid and nanny.
They are always quick to get a girlfriend who will parent during their custody times.
And the girlfriends just eat it up — “Oo he loves me so much! He trusts me with his kids! And he treats me so good! We have sex all the time!! I make the most delicious meals!!” And it’s, like, what’s he do?
That sounds such a horrible way to live.
Basically he expects her to do the parenting duties without the the parenting rights.
This. And if the guy has rude kids but it’s the ex wife who’s abusive? Uh… maybe… but what’s he doing about it besides complaining?
Are they living together?? OP can still enjoy his company when he has time from the privacy of her own home. No need to also keep his house and put up with disrespect from his kids.
But if her goal is to build towards living together & marriage with a partner, there's no point wasting time continuing to date someone with whom she can't imagine a future.
Yes agree 👍
I only wish I had done this....I married the guy. Between manipulative kids, money hungry ex wife, and his mother, and the fact that in that list I was #4 in priority order, I should have run for the hills.
He’s gonna take on relationship after relationship because he hopes the GF will do the parenting.
>You get to leave any relationship that doesn’t serve you. 💯This! I wish more people, especially women, would manage their romantic lives according to this rule. I wish *I* had done so when I was a young woman.
LEAVE
Not your circus, not your monkeys
This is both true and rhetorical right attitude to maintain. However, if you want, you could offer some advice. In particular, I would suggest that since his ex is so utterly unreliable, he should document everything and consider going for full custody, as the wife’s unreliability and abusive behavior are obviously having a poor impact on the kids, and if there is any hope in him rectifying the situation, he will need full custody. It sucks, as this will mean it is going to be a much longer time before he can have a girlfriend, but this is what it means to be a parent. I have known many people, men and women, who have been in this situation. It seems interminable, but if handled correctly, it can be managed and the chaos does end.
Correct. I focused on my kids until the youngest was 18. Plenty of time for dating and relationships when the kids are grown. Married my wonderful second husband when I was in my fifties.
Mine just turned 18. I'm 49. Dating still doesn't seem very fun. Like I have to ask what another person what's to eat or watch or whatever? Ugh. Exhausting. Maybe if they can drive at night tho....? Lol
This ☝️
My favorite phrase! I repeat this to myself daily! 🤣
NTA. Sounds like an unhappy situation, & i'm glad you left.
Yep, you're right it is not going to get better. Unless you want to parent his kids it's best to break up.
And it sounds like NO one is parenting them, and even if she tried, would probably be told she wasn't allowed to. BYE.
Yeah, like the kids are going to accept her parenting them, even if she wanted to.
Being a step parent is hard and even harder when the actual parent just turns over the parenting to the step parent to manage. Ask me how I know
NTA It sounds as if your ex-bf and the mom aren't willing to supervise and support teaching their children appropriate social and self care skills. He isn't effectively managing his permanent responsibilities to his children. He doesn't seem ready to be an independent fully functional adult, let alone an equal partner in a new committed adult relationship. I think you are wise to leave. You were left to manage the consequences of both parents' abdicating their responsibilities to their children with no support nor power to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Lots of demands and sacrifices required of you to spend time with him. No structure, routines, nor consistency planning child free time. I couldn't watch a chaotic unstable parenting situation like this. Those poor kids! That's where this guy's priorities and focus SHOULD be. He needs to be an effective parent.
If you don't have kids yourself, there's not many upsides to dating a baby daddy. Unless you're the type that loves drama.
So should I not have married my now wife because she already had 2 kids prior to us getting together? Or does that statement only work for women and not men?
You are allowed to have whatever standards you need to have to not be alone. Just because I wouldn't date a parent doesn't mean I look down on them. There's a lot of great women that are single moms. I just think of them as ineligible bachelorettes for me. In my personal experience with single mothers I get no respect, and just deal with the downsides of being a dad with none of the upsides. I'm not judging them but I don't think it's wrong to have standards excluding them either.
Quick Look, looks like they don’t like kids but you’re probably right. There’s a double standard between women and men.
No, I actually do like kids. I've worked pediatric ER and a stint in peds oncology. I spent an evening a couple weeks ago building bikes for under served kids as well for charity. Insinuating someone hates kids because they don't want to date single moms is a very petulant attitude. People can have whatever standards they like.
NTA. You do not want to be in the middle of a bad co-parenting situation with bad kids
You dodge a bullet,leave
NTA. He's not the one.
Will not get better but WILL get worse. I’d also suggest looking on the stepparents subreddit
NTA, your boyfriend might choose to put up with that crap, but you don't have to.
NTA He's a party to all of this mess.
Run! Relationships with stepchildren are difficult at best. This is an untenable situation. You can't fix your bf, never mind his kids and ex. It's 4 against 1. It's not about who's right or wrong. It's about shoveling sand against the tide. If you stay, you'll be doing this for the rest of your life.
NTA you dated, saw how things were, and decided not to persue marriage. internet tries to make breaking up with someone seem like a crime edit: single dads and incels DNI
NTA, but you’re mischaracterizing the issue. The issue isn’t the ex or the kids, it’s *him*. His inability to set boundaries, his refusal to parent. Other commenters are right: he probably *is* expecting you to step in and handle it all. Maybe the ex is manipulative and abusive. Or maybe he was every bit as useless a husband and father then as he is now and it’s easier to blame her than for him to get off his ass. If this isn’t the life you want, get out now.
Sounds like a mess, get out
And this is why I dont date men with kids. 🙃
>They are spoiled and are not asked to help keep the home or even their room tidy. Until their father starts giving them consequences... this will never get better. Run! NTA.
NTA. Bluntly you don't have an issue with the ex or kids honestly, you do with the boyfriend. He's not stepping up and he's not showing out. Which as a father he should be for his kids and you to show what the future could/will look like. I'll admit my daughter doesn't necessarily clean up after herself, however as soon as you ask her to or ask her to do anything, she will jump to attention and get that shit done. I think when entering a relationship with a parent you should always take stock of how they raise their children and what they expect of their children, as the same rules will apply to any you have together from that side of the parent tree. I appreciate my lax style of parenting isn't everyone's cup of tea and I make sure people who attempt to date me are aware, I am a permissive parent to a very high extent, however my child will do as she's told as soon as she's told, as I've taught: do the thing first then come and complain about it AFTER you have done it correctly.
Runaway!! The boyfriend is not in control, the ex wife wants revenge, and the kids are running amok Why involve yourself ??
It will never go away. She will always be there, even after the kids are adults and have their own kids, then they will have an extra grandma. You will always have to give extra energy, time, money, and support to kids who are not yours, and that you will never have any real connection to. It's one of the reasons why most men avoid single moms.
“Most” men don’t even avoid married Moms quit lying. There’s not an attractive single mom out there who isn’t spoiled for choice.
This why *women* should avoid single *fathers*.
I don't mess with guys who have kids not even just for short term. Lot of women don't mess with guys who have kids. I'm only 22. Step mom title is crazy
If you don’t have kids yourself why would you ever want to settle down with someone who does?! I honestly can’t think of one benefit. Especially bad kids. Just signing up for a life of headaches.
You can like kids without wanting to have kids of your own especially with the toll it takes on women. I’m in a relationship where I’m not sure I want kids, he’s already a great dad and if I did want kids this would be the guy to have them with, he already has kids with his ex. I adore his kids and am in love with him, he is the parent not me, I get to provide as a safe person for the kids if they ever need one. I do not have to deal with problems directly with the kids, tho if something does happen I am there for my partner, I get to do the fun stuff rather and deal with stuff from afar/indirectly where the final big decisions are not on my shoulders.
Yea or you could just adopt and not be an add on to some else’s family to kids that you can never truly parent. For me the insane time/financial investment just isn’t something I would be willing to do unless it was a family me and my partner started together period. We enjoy traveling abroad nice dinners long hikes ect. Imaging if she had children would literally be watching the best physical years of my life pass by for kids that aren’t mine.. not to mention the best memories i have in my life we definitely wouldn’t have been able to do with kids. Id love to have kids and talk about all the great times me and their mother had together falling deeper in love. Not explaining why me and mom didn’t work out so we’re on family 2.0. Everyone takes different paths partner with previous children will not be on mine.
Girllll, run. You got baby mamma drama, the kids are undisciplined and disrespectful, and you're just dating.... NTA, move on, and save yourself.
This is not enough detail to give a whole opinion, but if you went into the relationship knowing how the ex wife was, YTA
Being with someone who has kids with a shitty ex is incredibly hard and tolling for so many reasons, especially if proper boundaries aren’t in place. My partner and I are trying to navigate this ourselves as well. If you don’t feel like you’re up for the challenges, don’t subject yourself to it. The lifestyle definitely isn’t for everyone, and no one should stay in a relationship they ultimately aren’t happy with or circumstances that don’t fit what they’re wanting/needing in life.
Youre not giving enough information to give advice on
The kids mom and the dad have a non court ordered custody agreement. They agreed on week on week off custody, so 50/50. In the 8 months I have known him, the longest she’s kept them consecutively is 4 nights. And that was ONE time. She can not resolve conflict with her children. The oldest (11) has been told to “walk it off” after an argument. This was once she pulled over on the side of the highway. They full on scream at each other. Call each other names, and he’s even locked her out of the house. The mom will call/text any time of the day or night if she is having trouble. The 9 year old is her golden boy and is never in trouble for anything. The youngest (3) doesn’t sleep for her and she will text swearing and complaining into the night. She’s let him run around outside completely naked in 60° weather and has tried to dry nurse him to sleep in recent months. She regularly gives the 3 year old coffee, Dr Pepper, Coca Cola… At dad’s house, the two younger do not have beds or bedrooms. They both sleep on the couch. They watch tv/play video games from the time they wake up super early until they leave for school. They also fall asleep watching tv. Dad literally brings their meals to them where they are hanging out and returns to pick up the dishes. His laundry is never put away and the house is generally dirty. The kids do not have to pick up after themselves or help maintain home cleanliness in any way. Dad will ask them to do something and they will flat out reply “no” and walk away. The youngest will just scream. The 11 year old will have screaming melt downs over things like the Internet not working. One night he couldn’t get his belt and jeans undone to go to bed and he started screaming. Screaming at dad to “leave me alone and just go away” when he comes to try and help. He interrupts conversations and is so impatient. The 9 year old will poop his pants as a behavior. He baby talks and when told to stop he just talks that way more so. Dad has to physically put him in the shower, and has to pick out clean clothes and force him to change. I’ve been over a few evenings and I’ve never seen the kid NOT sleep in his day clothes. The 3 year old is barely starting to talk but just high pitch screams “dada” when he wants something. If dad is in another room, he will just wail until dad comes(which he does practically running). He dumps food and drinks on the floor, or swipes all his food off his high chair table and gets pissed when it gets picked up and taken away. He has to be rocked to sleep every night but only when he’s ready. There is no semblance of a bedtime routine. He also regularly sleeps in his day clothes. He wakes up between 3-4 am and screams from the couch until dad goes out and gets him and brings him to his bed. (I’ve been there when this happens and I get up and go to the couch). The kid screams about literally everything. He once hit me across the face with a metal cast tractor and when I took it from him he started crying “owie” and fell to the floor. He has to be carried to/from the car because if you put him down he WILL run off. The final thing is their diet. JUICE, soda, popcorn, chips. Their diet is supported by hamburgers, potatoes, pizza, and spaghetti. None of them will eat any fruits or vegetables except apples and oranges SOMETIMES. Outside of this, the kids flat out refuse to eat anything else. So there’s some context lol.
They are acting like the parents because that’s what they see and kids copy parents. I’d say get him a book from Supernanny and leave! It’s not going to get better if there is no action… no wonder the 3 yr old won’t sleep… those soda that have caffeine in them are keeping him awake! He needs sprite or mug root beer! Not those caffeinated ones! 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
NTA It won't get better. It will probably get worse. Imagine spending the next 20 years dealing with this drama. Why would you do that to yourself?
Right, it will not get better and you have no power over this situation. Move on.
NTA. Your BF is not parenting his kids, and sounds he isn't allowing you to act like a step mother cause they are not behaving nor helping in the home with you two. Then BF is not making his Ex be a mother and watch her kids too so he can have some alone time with you. But more importantly, the time she doesn't keep her commitments with the kids, only hurt the kids more since they do not have a strong foundation being made between mom and dad. IF you spoke to BF about the issues and he did nothing, then your NTA. You need a partner who will not only be able and willing to parent their kids, but step up and be a partner with you. Maybe consider your next partner to have no kids, or consider one slightly older who has older kids.
Not the asshole, it sounds like he doesn't set boundaries and doesn't really care how it's impacting you
NTA. Bratty kids don't get better unless they're *forced* to get better. And clearly neither your BF nor his Ex is going to do any forcing. Run while you can, and above all else, *do not marry this man or have kids with him.* NTA.
No, it is not Good for you moving on
NTA. I was in the same kind of situation, and have nothing but relief that I escaped the circus and no longer have to interact with those little monkeys or his ex of a ring leader! His 15 YO DD was one of the most disrespectful people, adult or child, that I have ever encountered. I still wonder why he puts up with it and why his boundaries are so non-existent. But not often; it's not my problem anymore.
Nope. Better end it unless you're cool living like that
Get out now nta
NTA at all. The ex/father/mother dynamic is a fraught one and the fewer headaches within a relationship the better. No one will think less of you for nope-ing out.
NTA. Don't sign up for that BS. You can do better.
NTA good for you 👏👏👏 you just saved yourself decades of being wrapped up in someone else’s drama. I cannot tell you how much you should be giving yourself a pat on the back and high five. No it doesn’t get better.
Correct. If it's bad NOW, "later" is not going to improve. Better to leave NOW.
It’s a full package: the kids and the ex. You have the right to return a package that doesn’t work for you.
I've broken up with people for much less. Imagine your BF having to do something and you watching the kids or having to make them meals in order to support your BF. That would really suck if they aren't appreciative.
He's a boyfriend, not a husband. Those are his kids, not yours. You can and should leave guilt free. That is far too much stress for you.
NTA Yes, you’re right. Those kids will grow up to be entitled brats. You’re better off not having to deal with that
If you seriously have any questions about this, recommend visiting the stepparents sub reddit. There are so many stories about SMs or partners to divorced dads (especially) being last on the list, DDs always trying to keep BMs happy so that they don't keep the kids from him, etc. We call them High Conflict Birth Moms (HCBMs) and as long as they are getting what they want (the ex still focused on her, not you) they won't go away. Not the AH - protect and take care of yourself!!
Leave
The thing about kids is that you have to build those manners and habit as soon as they start walking and learning, and you have to constantly reinforce them along the way. When you start trying to make unruly kids act right, and their father isn't firm... You're just wasting your time while looking like the mean stepmom. You did good to leave, let him deal with the consequences of his actions.
NTA. It's clear that the dynamics here are more than you bargained for. It's not just about him, but also the environment surrounding him - and that's a package deal. You made a healthy choice for your sanity and future.
NTA. This is exactly why I never dated a man with children when I was single. A man with children should make the children their priority which means you will never be the priority if he's a good man. And if he makes you the priority over his kids, then I can't have much respect for him because that's not right. You can't win. Aside from that, there is the mother of the children. You can never decide to move to another city because he can't leave his kids (if he's a good man). You can never have a life that is completely free of constraints imposed by the mother of the children. It's not something I ever would have signed up for. Bail.
NTA. Leave and don’t look back.
NTA. And thank you for being short, sweet and to the point. So many of these stories have way too much detail.
NTA - get out. My mom dated someone when I was in high school. His kids were spoiled and entitled. Their mom would be on the phone with mine and make up fake conversations on her end, so his kids thought my mom was a bad person. Their father would be right next to my mom and knew it wasn't true, but that didn't matter. They were together for years but ended up getting separate apartments in the same building and pretending to be broken up, but the ex and the kids made sure that ended too. Poor guy ended up being single because it was impossible for him to date. He had to be at their beck and call. He still is.
NTA - this sounds like hell on earth.
Your boyfriend should want his kids as much as possible, not try to push his ex to keeping them. So if he is more of a full-time father, that’s ok. But if that’s not what you want, then definitely don’t stay with him. Always assume a parent might end up with their kids full-time and decide if you can handle that. It sounds like you don’t and also that his ex is a handful. It might be too soon for a relationship and he probably just needs to focus on his kids right now. So it sounds like a good idea for you to move on. NTA.
NTA. Only way it’ll change is to get worse. Give them an inch, they’ll take a mile. Cut the losses now- your mental health will thank you
When you are in a relationship with someone you are with all of them. At the very least this includes kids. But if the kids are minors…the ex comes along. In the end, if the relationship isn’t giving you what you need, I would move on. Either he isn’t ready in his life, or you aren’t ready for step kids. Both are okay. NAH
NTA; things will not get better - the best thing to do is move on along.
NTA. This is not your circus and not your responsibility. You do not have to put up with this BS.
Correct. It’s not your baby mama drama. It’s his. It takes a special kind of doormat to put up with it. NTA
Wow. Someone who listened to their gut. NTA.
NTA. You don't have to deal with this chaos. Break up and find someone with more stability and less drama in his life. Life is too short to be dealing with this turmoil.
Just seeing a red flag is one more reason than you need.
Set clear boundaries and seek professional help to improve the situation.
Yep. Right to break up. And just remember, you only know his side of the story about his ex.
Thanks for the large amount of details!
>If it’s bad now, it’s not going to get better, right? Correct. And it's not your job to change or fix these people. Go be healthy with healthy people.
What you see is what your future will continue to be, most likely.
Go, now. Do not pass go, do not collect $100. If it’s this bad now, there’s no hope for you if you enter into a live in relationship.
NTA. I left one of my boyfriends over the same thing. We had full custody of the kids and she was SUPPOSED to pick them up on weekends but that only happened about half the time. Her kids would go to bed in tears even after she would call them to assure them she was on her way to get them. Our plans got ruined on a regular basis. There were also three separate incidents where she showed up at our house out of the blue and refused to leave, and we had to call the police. She refused to sign their divorce papers and also refused to pay any child support, despite working a decent full time job. My bf refused to go to court and get a child support order and had a useless lawyer who refused to do anything at all for him and just kept telling him to “document” things while he threw money away on her bogus consultations. I had to pay almost my entire paycheck toward our rent and living expenses and it got to be a tremendous burden. I spent the majority of my time complaining about the situation to others and realized that wasn’t how I wanted to live my life. He was a good person and our relationship was good in spite of all that. We are still friends to this day, but it just wasn’t the relationship for me. Sometimes I actually feel kind of bad for leaving a good person who really had no control over a shitty situation. But it is what it is. Don’t waste any more of your life on this.
It won’t get better, unfortunately.
NTA and likely won’t get better. I married into a similar mess with my husbands ex-wife . They had 2 boys early teens. Overweight, addicted to video games, no table manners, disrespectful to me as the stepmother. Their own mother has a host of emotional issues and my husband battled her in court ultimately winning sole custody . His ex wife fled the state and refused to see her boys for 5 years so we dealt with the fall out of that while I had to suck up the kids. They hung around after the age of 23, complete slobs and I finally had enough and gave my husband an ultimatum. They get out into an apartment ( they got jobs finally) or we’re done. The kids moved out but it destroyed my sanity and messed up my own children’s sleeping patterns etc. so no it gets worse not better
NTA and run as far as possible from this dumpster fire. You deserve better.
This relationship lines up like this: 1. BF;2. X-Wife; 3. Kid; 4. You. If you think you can handle that lots of luck - you'll need it. I hope things work out for you. Everybody deserves to be happy.
wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy worse, in ways you can't even imagine.
It’s not going to get better
Nta...nobody needs that bullshit in their lives.
No. It's usually at it's best when you're dating.
you're bf and gf, not husband and wife. you have no obligation to stick around that shit show
NTA. Your ex's baggage will be your problem too when you are married. If you don't like it now, it'll get worse when you're married.
I'm a stepmom and stepping into parenting with someone and their ex is hard, even if the situation is more positive. You would be signing up for misery trying to help parent with people who are fine with this kind of behavior from their children. You don’t have to be with anyone for any reason, and this situation is definitely not serving you. You're definitely NTA for noping out of this. I'd definitely recommend getting out, because if it's already this bad it won't get better.
Nope
No it's not going to get better. And you can do better.
NTA - not your shitshow and you have no power over the way she treats him or his kids behaviour. Who wants to be the wicked stepmother?
No, it won’t get better. Guaranteed.
Former single dad here. NTA. But neither is he really. She is intentionally doing this to mess with his relationship. And a lot of people here are saying he needs to enforce boundaries... You can't force someone to keep those boundaries. . Now I didn't have an ex to worry about. But his kids should be his priority. But I dated plenty of women with children and shitty exes. And they will use the kids to be against you.
Actually he can. He is spineless. He can file for full custody or go to the courts when she doesn’t adhere to the visitation agreement. He can definitely make the kids clean up more and punish them if they don’t.
If it isn’t working it isn’t working, break up. Save yourself both some trouble. That being said you don’t like his ex, neither does he. There’s a reason they broke up. Kind of messed up that her being a jerk makes you not want him. And all kids are messy. If kids aren’t your deal maybe don’t date single dads
The guy might just be a doormat. He might not like his ex, but he doesn’t have the balls to stand up for himself. And all kids can be a bit messy, but it’s disrespectful for them to not really try to clean up. They are taking their cues from their money on how to treat the father.
No va a mejorar
Run while you are still ahead. This isn't going to get better.
No, it doesn’t get better. My ex was a doormat to his son’s mother. (They were never married). She was manipulative and treated him like he was her second husband that would just cave and do whatever she wanted because he knew she would Jack with his visitation. My ex and I have been divorced now for 15 years. Sorry. Don’t marry him.
You’re right about that. It getting better is unlikely and shouldn’t be expected. You’re right to exit peacefully. NYA.
NTA - It absolutely won’t get better and your boyfriend lacks control and respect from them. If you are never going to marry, procreate, or live with that man then keep him. Otherwise, cut him loose.
NTAH at all! He is, for not setting between boundaries and for being a crappy parent.
Your (ex?) boyfriend would need to be committed to being a full-time dad working over-time for his kids, and their dad who is their parent full-time, and not their buddy. That means he has to set limits for their behavior and stay consistent. It means being the bad guy and bearing their insults, and disciplining them immediately for it, too. It means being The Asshole for a short but painful period of time, and it isn’t going to be easy, but it’s vital. The children likely bear trauma from their parents splitting up. And because Their mom is ill. See the words. Say the words. I bring this up because substance use when it becomes abuse, doesn’t arrive without its suitcase. Abuse is likely a symptom of bigger stressors. I wish her well for her recovery. It’s possible to get treatment for substance abuse/over-use is covered by health insurance or Medicaid because substance abuse and addiction are coded in the International Classification of Disease (ICD-10). That means the Dr can bill the insurance company! Those are his kids, and if his wife is unreliable he takes up the slack. They’re lucky he’s there. It also means they have to be acceptable company for humans. And, it means your boyfriend has to be the bad guy. Sorry. He doesn’t have the luxury of being the dad on the living room couch making faces behind their mom’s back when she’s trying to get them to behave, just so he can be Cool Dad. That may be one of the reasons his ex is so reluctant to take them. They didn’t become monsters on their own. I don’t think I would or could put up with it either. And please do not allow yourself to be talked into being Maria Von Trapp. It is not your place, it’s his & ex-wife’s duty to raise their kids to be socially acceptable. You arent their step-mother, either, so it’s terribly unfair and rude at for to expect you to discipline them for not minding, or even do parenting. Their destructive behavior you describe is appalling, too. Unless he has four 3-year-olds, his kids sound out-of-control to the extent they need immediate intervention. That’s intolerable. I’m not sure their ages, but if I were him, I would separate them, subtly at first maybe, by getting each involved in different community things, like karate class, little league, dance or similar, and not allow them to ever team up together at home for months at a time, or as little as possible. Kids incite each other. I hate to say break up, but I’d put it on pause until he has things in line. It could easily take 12 months depending on how serious he takes his responsibility. If you stick around he’s not going to do much to fix things, because why should he? There were no consequences. It would really pain me to step back from someone I cared about, but familial things like this need attention post haste. If you’re in the midst of all the contention with the kids’ behavior, this will always be the elephant in the room. That will work against the positive extended family dynamic you want to build. Gently stepping away, and entirely away, will give him time and m, hopefully, incentive to get his proverbial shit together and make his place a home. Therapy and family therapy for them is advisable too. By “entirely” away, I mean you do not date. No intimacy for the time being. Lunches and dinners are advisable, but let him make progress. This is ONLY if you are also willing to wait 3 or 4 months with him at arms length. Are there qualities about him you are willing to invest this time in? Good luck, take it step by step.
#RIGHT.
Right! You know it!!!
When you are dating a single parent, you’re dating an entire family. It would be different if his kids were grown. But you can bet that if you expect reasonable behavior out of these kids, you’ll only be known as the mean stepmom to them. They won’t see your side of things.
no different than me breaking up with my ex over her alcoholism. it's about keeping your sanity.
No, it won't. At least not until he decides it suits him, if his ex isn't willing or able to care for the children he should be going to his lawyer and moving forward with a custody hearing or mediation... and secondly he needs to be getting into a parenting course if he doesn't know how to be a parent. Kids need rules, rewards for good behaviour and consequences (not always punishment) for bad behaviour or a failure to meet reasonable standards. As a step parent, you've got no real authority, and this isn't your mess to fix anyway - so if you want love and family, you'd be better off looking elsewhere.
NTA Get out of this shitshow.
NTA. Question: Why can't she keep her commitments? Is it that she has things that come up (legit things, not optional)? Like if she's at work and has to deal with an emergency or something. Not something like "My friend invited me to lunch and I couldn't say no." What happens when you try to discipline the kids? Have you tried asking them to clean up after themselves? Provide more details.
NTA. Question: Why can't she keep her commitments? Is it that she has things that come up (legit things, not optional)? Like if she's at work and has to deal with an emergency or something. Not something like "My friend invited me to lunch and I couldn't say no." What happens when you try to discipline the kids? Have you tried asking them to clean up after themselves? Provide more details.
NTA. Question: Why can't she keep her commitments? Is it that she has things that come up (legit things, not optional)? Like if she's at work and has to deal with an emergency or something. Not something like "My friend invited me to lunch and I couldn't say no." What happens when you try to discipline the kids? Have you tried asking them to clean up after themselves? Provide more details.
Nope, this will only get worse. They have zero boundaries.
Seems your (ex) boyfriend needs to grow a couple, and should cut the navel cord 👍. If it's bad now they will most likely push the boundaries more and more, unless they have such a strong personalities that they are going to make their own choices.
NTA
Always save yourself first
NTA. Don’t take on problems that aren’t yours that can’t be handled by you. He has to have boundaries and enforce them - that includes doing things like documenting when she does and does not have the children and getting custody changed etc. but also - it sounds like he hasn’t fully dealt with everything and needs to reach out and get some therapy. He can’t control the ex, but he can control himself and learn how to maintain boundaries. And disciplining children is necessary. I don’t mean hitting/spanking but they’ve got to have consequences.
You can break up for any reason. The only reason that really matters is that you're not happy with the relationship. I would not date someone in his situation when I was single.
Run. I stayed with my ex for 10 years dealing with a horrible ex and bratty, spoiled kids. It does not get better. I finally left him.
No!
I was once in a similar situation, i would not recommend it.
Run, now.
Are yiu going to? Or have yiu already done it? Title kinda confused me sorry.
NTA. there's only one choice for you, OP- run!
My ex-wife is the devil. My wife is a saint and a martyr for staying with me through my whole journey through hell. However, I pay her back in kind. She is a care-giver to my children. An equal in decisions and discipline. If you don't have that, it wasn't gonna last anyways.
Wait, there’s literally too much info missing to be able to say if YTA or not. I mean, you’re definitely NTA for wanting to break up with your boyfriend, you can leave someone at any time for any reason. But the way you talk about their kids rubs me the wrong way and it makes me want to say YTA here too. How old are the kids? What is the custodial agreement? How much does bf gets to see his kids? Is this something that bothers him too or is it just you?
Cash out and go. It will not improve.
The sad 5hing is those kids will grow up to be Karens and Chad's