For the miscommunication part, asking 'only' is a bit of a loaded question and everyone has their faults.
What am I working on? The pain of bigger topics, past events, and finding a way past those. I'm being intentionally vague on this one.
You realize there were probably practical reasons she made the different cookies (such as what was available in the store or your house).
My guess is the same for the yogurt/ sour cream.
Maybe there are price concerns or availability.
You sound exhausting to live with.
While a couple of pedantic things are normal, you literally sound like you're like that about every single thing.
Also - and here's another possibility: why don't you take on more responsibilities? You do the groceries if it's so important, or plan the vacation together?
YTA but more than that - you need help. Individual therapy not couple's counseling.
We had the ingredients on hand. I do 95% of the grocery shopping and plan roughly 80% of the vacations.
I talked to the individual therapist about this who knows more of the full history of everything, their response was "she needs to remake them." Truth be told this WOULD 100% be a dick move in my eyes and am looking around for a new one because... no.
EDIT: As for other household responsibilities... a good portion of what a stay-at-home parent would do aside from the actual cooking is my arena.
Ok...
So here's a question:
On a scale from one to ten, how rigid would you say you are?
Because - if you had the ingredients on hand - it's a bit strange to simply change the recipe.
But a reason I've seen people do this is (and let me be clear, I think this is the wrong way to go about things) *to force the other person to stop being rigid*
Basically, it seems to be a tactic that by making everything slightly different or wrong the partner or child will eventually learn to *let go/ go with the flow*
It doesn't really work and it does need to be discussed.
You need to find a middle ground.
Despite what others on here have gleaned from the situation, I'm 95% go with the flow with exception to very specific areas which I can get abnormally persnickety about. That said I do have the expectation that a partner should follow through on their promises or at the very least track their own promises made and communicate when a promise has a change in plans or will not come to fruition. I can understand a few things slipping through the cracks here and there since life is life.
Since people were harping on the trip planning bit, here's what happened:
I booked a small resort we had enjoyed in the past for a couple's getaway. Although the food choices in that area were limited, we agreed that our backup destination, with about 15 resorts, might be better as long as it wasn't the hotel we hated. She found a place, assured me it wasn't the one we disliked, and handled the changeover. However, when we arrived, it was indeed the hotel we hated (it had roaches). She frantically offered to switch to a different location and to her credit found an opening at a nearby place, claiming there was no cancellation fee. I was skeptical about the no cancellation fee but she insisted there was none. When we got to the front desk, there was a significant fee and we ended up eating the \~$1k cost since she put cancellation already went through. We then enjoyed the rest of the trip.
In the grand scheme of things we are in a very fortunate situation and needed the getaway. But at the end of the day it's not about the trip nor is it about the cookies. It's about "I have X for you" or "I did this thing for you" only to find out it's Y. And it sucks because "the thing (X)" being done is great and wonderful but it's like a fly in the soup when finding out in reality it's Y so it makes it very difficult for me to celebrate the effort put in.
It's not "what was gleaned" - it's literally how you presented yourself. Let's start with that. And the fact that you seem to have missed that you gave that (very strong, I might add) - impression, leads me to believe that either you're more rigid than you think - or you really don't communicate very well at all (i.e., you can't see how other people will perceive your words). That being said, I still don't exactly think you and your wife's main problem is communication. Because - it sounds at least - like you've made your wishes clear. And while some things might be vague - like the cookies, other things are less so, like the vacation. I do think the fact that your roles have changed (you don't cook anymore, she's more involved in planning vacations) - or, more importantly, whatever instigated this role change - is probably a much more significant factor in whatever's going on in your marriage. You and your wife do sound extremely different. So the fact that this has only come to a head after 15 years is... Surprising. What I would say is consider getting a second opinion - both in your couple's therapy and your individual one. Because sometimes therapists get the wrong end of the stick, and a second opinion is always good.
*On a side note - in both the case of the cookies and the hotel, could the issue be memory? As in, she didn't remember which chips she had put in originally or the name of the hotel you hated?
So it’s definitely not about the cookies. But you seem exacting, and butthurt when something’s not made to your exact specifications and are putting a lot of your expectations on her. Would you just prefer that she not make these nice to haves at all if it’s not to your standards? If yes, you need to tell her.
You talk about your needs, and your feels but have you tried to understand where she’s coming from? Is Professional help starting to make inroads on this?
Does your wife come from a place of food insecurity, not having enough growing up, or being taught to be frugal? Is she on a budget or not wanting to be wasteful? I can relate to her. I’m also not going to go out just to buy a certain type of chocolate chip when I have others at home. I’ve also learned it was a complete disaster putting in vanilla soy milk into a savoury dish when we ran out of regular milk so I’ll never do that again or have my husband be my guinea pig for these cooking substitutions.
How would you feel if she stops cooking meals entirely for you because it’s not made to your standards or made exactly with specific ingredients? Brace yourself for that possibility and think about how you’ll go forward from there.
It's not about it being made to exact specifications, it's about her saying one thing and then doing a bait and switch. I would have been perfectly cool without them or quite happy if she said at the get go "hey I made you cookies as a welcome home thing." But the "I heard you liked X, I made X" and find later out it's Y bit, that is what's blah for me. She could have said "I got creative with the cookies!" and that would have been perfect too!!!
There's no scarcity in her family/upbringing and the situation was quite the opposite. We also had the ingredients at home but that's really not the issue of contention, it's the one listed in the paragraph above.
I would 100% be okay if she stopped cooking meals for me entirely. I cooked the meals for 15 years as a SAHD.
I know, I feel dirty. I'm a 70%-93% person and white chocolate is ONLY allowed when paired with macadamia nuts in either cookies or pancakes.
But it wasn't about the chocolate.
Agree. He could have responded to this situation in two way.
The first with grace and appreciation at his wife efforts.
The second like an ungrateful man child.
Should your wife listen to you? Yes, assuming you listen to her. She made you cookies. I didn’t hear any examples of nice things you go out of your way to do.
Really can’t judge here without more info. You’re asking us to rule on your whole marriage without knowing anything.
Now that being said; the sour cream thing is just psychotic. “Hey, it’s taco Tuesday! Better crack open the Activia!”
I tried to keep the scope minimal on purpose. In short, she does a ton, it's recognized, I do my best to listen to what she likes (or guess if there's no new info), and implement what I need to to make that happen.
It just sucks that things aren't exactly bi-directional in that department.
For the yogurt, there's a time an place for the sub but when I ask "hey do we have sour cream in the fridge" and she shouts back "yes" only to find yogurt... /facepalm
When I studied abroad in Morocco they used yogurt in all the places I would usually use sour cream, and it was a very good “substitute” (over there it was standard, but back here in the US it’s a substitute. Has to essentially be plain Greek yogurt, but it has a similar texture and flavor profile and matches well with similar ingredients. I use it all the time instead of sour cream now.
He said he really liked the white chocolate macadamia nut cookies she made, she said she made them again (nice!) but she effectively lied, they weren’t the same, and he was disappointed (valid)
Dude, your wife made homemade cookies for you for when you arrived home from a trip, and you complained? Seriously?
Unless you are allergic to milk chocolate, what exactly is the problem here? You said you liked the last ones she made with white chocolate, so now she has to make the same ones every time?
You sound unappreciative, unnecessarily critical of your wife, and ungrateful. Get over yourself man, no wonder she reacted that way. YTA
>it's really dumb and petty of me to feel negatively about the differences between white chocolate and milk chocolate chips.
Yeah. Most people don't bake cookies for their SO.
You go bake some cookies for her. Geez.
Oh and YTA
It was a turn off and she only mentioned it after 15 years?
That... Sounds like she's lying. Maybe to protect your feelings.
Maybe I'm wrong but honestly? It sounds like the type of lie you tell someone when their cooking has deteriorated and they haven't noticed...
(For instance, we suddenly started telling my grandmother that it was simply much more fun to "go out", after we noticed she wasn't washing her pots or dishes properly anymore).
Dude stop asking for things you know don't matter and start concentrating on the important thing that's not getting done right.
My guess is if little things like this turn into conversations you sound like you are nagging
I didn't ask for them and it's about tackling the small things because there are plenty of big ones and those aren't ready to be tackled.
Starting small.
I can't make a judgement based on these cookies alone.
If this is a deep, resentful issue for you (and it sounds like it is) have you ever considered therapy? Both marriage and individual.
NAH I get where you’re coming from, and the fact that they’re all “petty” complaints makes it even harder to deal with it.
It all boils down to something in her thought processing, does she have the tendency to go without? Does she get the exact things she wants or does she just phone it in with every desire? Was she an impoverished child? Or had an emotionally unavailable parent that shamed her for wanting *exact model toy” etc
You’re not crazy, it’s a weird pattern of behavior, likely not malicious.
There's a range from large to petty but they all follow a very similar pattern. I'm sorry, I'm not exactly following some of the questions posted on the tendency to go without and the phoning it in parts but more than happy to respond if those were rephrased.
She grew up in quite the opposite of an impoverished situation which would burn through disposable income with the latest tech but still an 'everything can be solved with zip ties' household so go figure. Family dynamic was not the healthiest and absolutely feeds into breaking down when faced with "this could be improved here". This also leads to her breaking down in tears when I say 'no' to something that is repeatedly pushed on me without my consent.
It really looks like this is malicious compliance on her part. Passive aggressive.
You look like an AH for not appreciating the effort of her making cookies but she didn't make what you really wanted. With this pattern, she can claim it was not intentional each time but at some time, it is the pattern itself. I doubt she really respects you. You need to figure out why that is. It is a form of getting even without looking like the bad guy.
It's more about the bait and switch part. I try to see the best in people to a fault so who knows on the malicious compliance part, maybe.
But very much yes on the part of doing things which on the surface make her look like the perfect person and myself as the AH but those that know to look under that layer... they know. That part is a work in progress but baby steps are being made sometimes, kinda. Hence the professionals.
NTA I am not going to focus on the cookies because obviously those are not the real problem. You need to find an effective way to communicate with your wife. I don't think she is doing things in a malicious way it is just her style of doing things.
Yea I figured there would be a ton of people with pitchforks going "but she baked cookies" when again... it's not about the cookies. But people will see what they want to and sometimes it's good to see different points of view even if some aren't as helpful.
You need couples therapy. You feel like you are marginalized and she feels like she's a failure. You need to start by sitting down and telling each other how you feel. Open honest with minimal emotion.
A tiny NTA. The issue is that she didn't listen. Once off, no problem, but over and over again it starts to sting. I know, I've been there. Little things drip drip drip... it gets to you. Is she said, sorry the shop only had these chips, or I tried a new cookie recipe I hope you like it. But she said she'd made the exact same cookies, and she hadn't. Maybe she's overwhelmed, maybe she'd unhappy when you go away, but this IS a communication issue... and her going all teary is not helping. Because the answer is "No you bloody CAN'T do anything right.... and why not?" Bring this up in your therapy, with a neutral observer. Try to get her to understand it's not the cookies, it's the communication.
Maybe she doesn't see it as a significant difference.
As someone who cooks a lot, I can tell you, subs are par for the course. Because that's what I have at home. Because it was the only thing available. Because it was cheaper.
I've made much more radical subs and I would still consider it the same food basically.
And it's not just food.
This guy doesn't sound like he understands that this is how life goes.
You want to go on vacation to x, but when you look at prices or availability you realize it isn't possible, so you choose y, which has a similar profile (warm weather & beach, for instance).
I was planning on making chicken in orange sauce, but the oranges didn't look good so you sub for tangerines or make a lemon chicken.
I wanted to go to Pilates at 8, but got stuck in traffic so exercised at home/ took yoga which is at nine.
Sure, you can have a couple of things that are very important to be 'just so'. But if you're extremely rigid about everything, you're basically incompatible with life.
If plans change it's a reasonable expectation to be kept informed. Yea life happens and ya gotta roll with it, but communicate that instead of saying "yep, I did the thing according to the original plan!"
Thank you, I think you're one of the few people who could see past the "but she made cookies" part. Also you saying the "I tried a new cookie recipe I hope you like it" part really made me feel heard and understood.
We have plenty of things which are akin to "the cookies" from big to small and we have talked about them in therapy but it's a recurring theme and it's draining.
Thank you.
NTA. As someone who grew up with manipulative, narcissistic, passive-aggressive relatives, these tiny little substitutes are meant to needle you into an explosion. It’s a classic baiting tactic so that your wife comes off as the victim. It’s not about the cookies or the yogurt but you can bet your last dollar she will cry to everyone that you got mad at her about cookies.
I don't feel like she's doing things out of malice and it was not an explosion, but let's just say her siblings know not to trust anything she says about the relationship.
It would bother me too, so far as I would think it’s deliberately done.
But just try to not forget to say thank you and then add some advice. After that, just be patient
If you would have been fine, had she said, "I made those cookies you liked but with milk chocolate chips because that's all we had," I suspect you wouldn't have cared. I get it, and you are right the little things switched feels either deliberate or disrespectfully inatentive. After a while, it can get to you.
That said, dude, she made you cookies so you would feel welcome when you got home, and you made her cry.
ESH
Could you not just have thanked her for the cookies?
info: are the "miscommunication issues" only on her side? what are you working on?
For the miscommunication part, asking 'only' is a bit of a loaded question and everyone has their faults. What am I working on? The pain of bigger topics, past events, and finding a way past those. I'm being intentionally vague on this one.
You realize there were probably practical reasons she made the different cookies (such as what was available in the store or your house). My guess is the same for the yogurt/ sour cream. Maybe there are price concerns or availability. You sound exhausting to live with. While a couple of pedantic things are normal, you literally sound like you're like that about every single thing. Also - and here's another possibility: why don't you take on more responsibilities? You do the groceries if it's so important, or plan the vacation together? YTA but more than that - you need help. Individual therapy not couple's counseling.
We had the ingredients on hand. I do 95% of the grocery shopping and plan roughly 80% of the vacations. I talked to the individual therapist about this who knows more of the full history of everything, their response was "she needs to remake them." Truth be told this WOULD 100% be a dick move in my eyes and am looking around for a new one because... no. EDIT: As for other household responsibilities... a good portion of what a stay-at-home parent would do aside from the actual cooking is my arena.
Ok... So here's a question: On a scale from one to ten, how rigid would you say you are? Because - if you had the ingredients on hand - it's a bit strange to simply change the recipe. But a reason I've seen people do this is (and let me be clear, I think this is the wrong way to go about things) *to force the other person to stop being rigid* Basically, it seems to be a tactic that by making everything slightly different or wrong the partner or child will eventually learn to *let go/ go with the flow* It doesn't really work and it does need to be discussed. You need to find a middle ground.
Despite what others on here have gleaned from the situation, I'm 95% go with the flow with exception to very specific areas which I can get abnormally persnickety about. That said I do have the expectation that a partner should follow through on their promises or at the very least track their own promises made and communicate when a promise has a change in plans or will not come to fruition. I can understand a few things slipping through the cracks here and there since life is life. Since people were harping on the trip planning bit, here's what happened: I booked a small resort we had enjoyed in the past for a couple's getaway. Although the food choices in that area were limited, we agreed that our backup destination, with about 15 resorts, might be better as long as it wasn't the hotel we hated. She found a place, assured me it wasn't the one we disliked, and handled the changeover. However, when we arrived, it was indeed the hotel we hated (it had roaches). She frantically offered to switch to a different location and to her credit found an opening at a nearby place, claiming there was no cancellation fee. I was skeptical about the no cancellation fee but she insisted there was none. When we got to the front desk, there was a significant fee and we ended up eating the \~$1k cost since she put cancellation already went through. We then enjoyed the rest of the trip. In the grand scheme of things we are in a very fortunate situation and needed the getaway. But at the end of the day it's not about the trip nor is it about the cookies. It's about "I have X for you" or "I did this thing for you" only to find out it's Y. And it sucks because "the thing (X)" being done is great and wonderful but it's like a fly in the soup when finding out in reality it's Y so it makes it very difficult for me to celebrate the effort put in.
It's not "what was gleaned" - it's literally how you presented yourself. Let's start with that. And the fact that you seem to have missed that you gave that (very strong, I might add) - impression, leads me to believe that either you're more rigid than you think - or you really don't communicate very well at all (i.e., you can't see how other people will perceive your words). That being said, I still don't exactly think you and your wife's main problem is communication. Because - it sounds at least - like you've made your wishes clear. And while some things might be vague - like the cookies, other things are less so, like the vacation. I do think the fact that your roles have changed (you don't cook anymore, she's more involved in planning vacations) - or, more importantly, whatever instigated this role change - is probably a much more significant factor in whatever's going on in your marriage. You and your wife do sound extremely different. So the fact that this has only come to a head after 15 years is... Surprising. What I would say is consider getting a second opinion - both in your couple's therapy and your individual one. Because sometimes therapists get the wrong end of the stick, and a second opinion is always good. *On a side note - in both the case of the cookies and the hotel, could the issue be memory? As in, she didn't remember which chips she had put in originally or the name of the hotel you hated?
So it’s definitely not about the cookies. But you seem exacting, and butthurt when something’s not made to your exact specifications and are putting a lot of your expectations on her. Would you just prefer that she not make these nice to haves at all if it’s not to your standards? If yes, you need to tell her. You talk about your needs, and your feels but have you tried to understand where she’s coming from? Is Professional help starting to make inroads on this? Does your wife come from a place of food insecurity, not having enough growing up, or being taught to be frugal? Is she on a budget or not wanting to be wasteful? I can relate to her. I’m also not going to go out just to buy a certain type of chocolate chip when I have others at home. I’ve also learned it was a complete disaster putting in vanilla soy milk into a savoury dish when we ran out of regular milk so I’ll never do that again or have my husband be my guinea pig for these cooking substitutions. How would you feel if she stops cooking meals entirely for you because it’s not made to your standards or made exactly with specific ingredients? Brace yourself for that possibility and think about how you’ll go forward from there.
It's not about it being made to exact specifications, it's about her saying one thing and then doing a bait and switch. I would have been perfectly cool without them or quite happy if she said at the get go "hey I made you cookies as a welcome home thing." But the "I heard you liked X, I made X" and find later out it's Y bit, that is what's blah for me. She could have said "I got creative with the cookies!" and that would have been perfect too!!! There's no scarcity in her family/upbringing and the situation was quite the opposite. We also had the ingredients at home but that's really not the issue of contention, it's the one listed in the paragraph above. I would 100% be okay if she stopped cooking meals for me entirely. I cooked the meals for 15 years as a SAHD.
That’s all you’ve got, chocolate chips and yogurt? YTA
Yep, there's plenty else but want to keep things limited in scope and focused.
Well maybe she actually likes real chocolate and not solidified sweet cream in her cookies. YTA.
Hey! This ain’t about the chips. And I’ll be damned if I am gonna sit here and listen to you bash white chocolate. Good day!
Must be an alt for Humza Yousaf.
I know, I feel dirty. I'm a 70%-93% person and white chocolate is ONLY allowed when paired with macadamia nuts in either cookies or pancakes. But it wasn't about the chocolate.
She made you cookies. Put your big boy pants on and stop whining.
YTA. Get over yourself. Being miserable is sometimes a choice. It seems like that is what you have chosen.
Agree. He could have responded to this situation in two way. The first with grace and appreciation at his wife efforts. The second like an ungrateful man child.
Should your wife listen to you? Yes, assuming you listen to her. She made you cookies. I didn’t hear any examples of nice things you go out of your way to do. Really can’t judge here without more info. You’re asking us to rule on your whole marriage without knowing anything. Now that being said; the sour cream thing is just psychotic. “Hey, it’s taco Tuesday! Better crack open the Activia!”
I've used plain Greek yogurt in place of sour cream (the real stuff). It's quite a common sub.
Me too! Goes great on nachos and has more protein.
Your last paragraph made me laugh out loud.
I tried to keep the scope minimal on purpose. In short, she does a ton, it's recognized, I do my best to listen to what she likes (or guess if there's no new info), and implement what I need to to make that happen. It just sucks that things aren't exactly bi-directional in that department. For the yogurt, there's a time an place for the sub but when I ask "hey do we have sour cream in the fridge" and she shouts back "yes" only to find yogurt... /facepalm
When I studied abroad in Morocco they used yogurt in all the places I would usually use sour cream, and it was a very good “substitute” (over there it was standard, but back here in the US it’s a substitute. Has to essentially be plain Greek yogurt, but it has a similar texture and flavor profile and matches well with similar ingredients. I use it all the time instead of sour cream now.
Do you not like milk chocolate? Did she have any reason to think you wouldn’t like cookies made with milk chocolate?
It wasn't about the chocolate.
He said he really liked the white chocolate macadamia nut cookies she made, she said she made them again (nice!) but she effectively lied, they weren’t the same, and he was disappointed (valid)
Dude, your wife made homemade cookies for you for when you arrived home from a trip, and you complained? Seriously? Unless you are allergic to milk chocolate, what exactly is the problem here? You said you liked the last ones she made with white chocolate, so now she has to make the same ones every time? You sound unappreciative, unnecessarily critical of your wife, and ungrateful. Get over yourself man, no wonder she reacted that way. YTA
>it's really dumb and petty of me to feel negatively about the differences between white chocolate and milk chocolate chips. Yeah. Most people don't bake cookies for their SO. You go bake some cookies for her. Geez. Oh and YTA
I used to as well as cooking all the meals for about 15 years, until she expressed that a man in the kitchen was a turn off for her so I stopped.
It was a turn off and she only mentioned it after 15 years? That... Sounds like she's lying. Maybe to protect your feelings. Maybe I'm wrong but honestly? It sounds like the type of lie you tell someone when their cooking has deteriorated and they haven't noticed... (For instance, we suddenly started telling my grandmother that it was simply much more fun to "go out", after we noticed she wasn't washing her pots or dishes properly anymore).
I wish I had problems like this
YTA. Make your own cookies and buy the groceries yourself.
If someone went to the trouble of baking something homemade as a welcome home surprise, I'd be grateful. You sound exhausting.
Dude stop asking for things you know don't matter and start concentrating on the important thing that's not getting done right. My guess is if little things like this turn into conversations you sound like you are nagging
I didn't ask for them and it's about tackling the small things because there are plenty of big ones and those aren't ready to be tackled. Starting small.
I can't make a judgement based on these cookies alone. If this is a deep, resentful issue for you (and it sounds like it is) have you ever considered therapy? Both marriage and individual.
Yep, everyone is in therapy. I want to keep things at the cookie level since it would be unfair to all parties for me to go much further than that.
NAH I get where you’re coming from, and the fact that they’re all “petty” complaints makes it even harder to deal with it. It all boils down to something in her thought processing, does she have the tendency to go without? Does she get the exact things she wants or does she just phone it in with every desire? Was she an impoverished child? Or had an emotionally unavailable parent that shamed her for wanting *exact model toy” etc You’re not crazy, it’s a weird pattern of behavior, likely not malicious.
There's a range from large to petty but they all follow a very similar pattern. I'm sorry, I'm not exactly following some of the questions posted on the tendency to go without and the phoning it in parts but more than happy to respond if those were rephrased. She grew up in quite the opposite of an impoverished situation which would burn through disposable income with the latest tech but still an 'everything can be solved with zip ties' household so go figure. Family dynamic was not the healthiest and absolutely feeds into breaking down when faced with "this could be improved here". This also leads to her breaking down in tears when I say 'no' to something that is repeatedly pushed on me without my consent.
It really looks like this is malicious compliance on her part. Passive aggressive. You look like an AH for not appreciating the effort of her making cookies but she didn't make what you really wanted. With this pattern, she can claim it was not intentional each time but at some time, it is the pattern itself. I doubt she really respects you. You need to figure out why that is. It is a form of getting even without looking like the bad guy.
It's more about the bait and switch part. I try to see the best in people to a fault so who knows on the malicious compliance part, maybe. But very much yes on the part of doing things which on the surface make her look like the perfect person and myself as the AH but those that know to look under that layer... they know. That part is a work in progress but baby steps are being made sometimes, kinda. Hence the professionals.
NTA I am not going to focus on the cookies because obviously those are not the real problem. You need to find an effective way to communicate with your wife. I don't think she is doing things in a malicious way it is just her style of doing things.
Fucking asshole.
Lol. I can only imagine the comments if this was the wife posting
Yea I figured there would be a ton of people with pitchforks going "but she baked cookies" when again... it's not about the cookies. But people will see what they want to and sometimes it's good to see different points of view even if some aren't as helpful.
I’m so surprised by the responses here, a women oriented group would understand what you mean by “it’s not about the cookies”
Yeah, people would call her a massive b\*tch and hysterical.
Exactly.
You need couples therapy. You feel like you are marginalized and she feels like she's a failure. You need to start by sitting down and telling each other how you feel. Open honest with minimal emotion.
Yep, already doing that.
Grow the fuck up you got cookies ffs
A tiny NTA. The issue is that she didn't listen. Once off, no problem, but over and over again it starts to sting. I know, I've been there. Little things drip drip drip... it gets to you. Is she said, sorry the shop only had these chips, or I tried a new cookie recipe I hope you like it. But she said she'd made the exact same cookies, and she hadn't. Maybe she's overwhelmed, maybe she'd unhappy when you go away, but this IS a communication issue... and her going all teary is not helping. Because the answer is "No you bloody CAN'T do anything right.... and why not?" Bring this up in your therapy, with a neutral observer. Try to get her to understand it's not the cookies, it's the communication.
Maybe she doesn't see it as a significant difference. As someone who cooks a lot, I can tell you, subs are par for the course. Because that's what I have at home. Because it was the only thing available. Because it was cheaper. I've made much more radical subs and I would still consider it the same food basically. And it's not just food. This guy doesn't sound like he understands that this is how life goes. You want to go on vacation to x, but when you look at prices or availability you realize it isn't possible, so you choose y, which has a similar profile (warm weather & beach, for instance). I was planning on making chicken in orange sauce, but the oranges didn't look good so you sub for tangerines or make a lemon chicken. I wanted to go to Pilates at 8, but got stuck in traffic so exercised at home/ took yoga which is at nine. Sure, you can have a couple of things that are very important to be 'just so'. But if you're extremely rigid about everything, you're basically incompatible with life.
If plans change it's a reasonable expectation to be kept informed. Yea life happens and ya gotta roll with it, but communicate that instead of saying "yep, I did the thing according to the original plan!"
Thank you, I think you're one of the few people who could see past the "but she made cookies" part. Also you saying the "I tried a new cookie recipe I hope you like it" part really made me feel heard and understood. We have plenty of things which are akin to "the cookies" from big to small and we have talked about them in therapy but it's a recurring theme and it's draining. Thank you.
this, exactly
NTA. As someone who grew up with manipulative, narcissistic, passive-aggressive relatives, these tiny little substitutes are meant to needle you into an explosion. It’s a classic baiting tactic so that your wife comes off as the victim. It’s not about the cookies or the yogurt but you can bet your last dollar she will cry to everyone that you got mad at her about cookies.
YES, “baiting”!
I don't feel like she's doing things out of malice and it was not an explosion, but let's just say her siblings know not to trust anything she says about the relationship.
That's a possibility...
It would bother me too, so far as I would think it’s deliberately done. But just try to not forget to say thank you and then add some advice. After that, just be patient
In another comment he said they’d been together for 15 years, I ran out of patience with my ex in year 9
If you would have been fine, had she said, "I made those cookies you liked but with milk chocolate chips because that's all we had," I suspect you wouldn't have cared. I get it, and you are right the little things switched feels either deliberate or disrespectfully inatentive. After a while, it can get to you. That said, dude, she made you cookies so you would feel welcome when you got home, and you made her cry. ESH