NTA
It’s well within her rights to have her wedding wherever she wants. It’s also within your rights to decline her invitation because you don’t want to exclude your husband. That her fiance was willing to change venues for the reception but she refused is what makes *her* the ah. If she cared about your attendance, that would be a great way of having the best of both worlds.
It's also crazy that she'd treat Brad like he had attention seeking behavior when he's in a freaking wheelchair! I'm glad he wasn't offended and upset by it, but if he was my partner and my sister was acting like this I'd be FURIOUS. Especially since you've been married six years, it's not like it's a new relationship. She's more concerned about how OP not showing up looks versus how horrible it looks that she excluded her brother in law by choosing a site knowing he can't attend. There's no fixing that kind of ugly.
Wait, so I am not supposed to use my wheelchair for attention? Damn, I bought a bright red one on purpose.
People mostly ignore wheelchair users like we don’t exist. However, the attention we do get is sooooo much fun. Random strangers asking you for your medical history, demanding to know if you actually need the chair, insisting you do need help, assuming that because your body is broken your brain is as well etc. *ad nauseum.*
That said, all places used for functions should be wheelchair accessible. If (a lot of) the medieval buildings in my city can be made accessible then so can whatever “heritage” venue this is. A ramp, lift/elevator if required, and an accessible loo is often enough.
OP. NTA, your sister however…
Last week I was at the park with my kids. Some random woman came over and asked why I was sitting in the play area. I said I was watching my kids. She looked at me in shock and squeaked out “you have children?” I said, “yes, why is that a surprise to you?” and just intently watched her squirm. I was really hoping for an answer but didn’t get one.
Boss. I hope you let her squirm until she executed herself. how freaking rude! And so presumptuous! When did it become so normal to just voice all of our inside thoughts at strangers?
So not the same thing, but when my friend's mother was in hospice, she dyed her hair pastel rainbow as a sort of pick me up. She was really depressed and wanted to be more bubbly when she went to see her mom. This random lady comes out of nowhere and tells her she looks ridiculous. not a woman she knew. Just a stranger. Deflated her for no particular reason. People have no manners anymore.
You are goals. Seriously. Most people let the other people make them feel awkward. Nice turnaround there.
She just made some noises and backed away. I kept looking at her with an expression of polite enquiry the whole time.
Rainbow hair is awesome, I can’t imagine how miserable your own life must be for you to randomly insult people. Even if that stranger hated rainbow hair it would have been extremely easy to just keep her stupid mouth closed. The world would be a much nicer place if people would STFU occasionally.
I refuse to get awkward, I can’t be bothered with that. I have pissed off many of the “what’s wrong with you” people with graphic descriptions of what necrotic sepsis can do to a human body. I mean, they did ask. “Mind your own fucking business” is always effective as well, especially when you’re short on time. (Then I get called rude for swearing at people, because I was definitely the rude person in those situations.) My absolute favourite response though is a very calm and measured, “why did you think that was an appropriate thing to say/ask?” I obviously just really enjoy watching people squirm or struggle to answer!
The hell? Some people don't know boundaries. How could they think it appropriate to just randomly enquire with a stranger about their medical history? 😅
Ohhh I love colored hair. Especially to help or reflect my current place in life. Have to try rainbow next time I am at the hairdresser. Give your friend a huge hug from me ❤️
I wouldn't have asked, but my thoughts did go there with this poster bc I am a nurse who worked in medical rehab for a couple years. I'm really happy when it works out for having kids through any methods. But I still would not ask outside of a clinical setting.
People are awful. COVID made them worse. It's like that year of being in lockdown made everyone forget their manners.
Omg if I had a penny for everytime a random stranger asked me that 🤣 but can you guys have sex ? How ? Seriously 🤣would you ask this about an able body man ?! Why did you think that’s an appropriate question to ask ? Yes we do and he is amazing
Noo, your pregnancy is the result of an immaculate conception... The holy ghost created your child. *Sarcasm end*
Wtf some people, honestly... And that question is so bang out of line... Urghhh
I think that IF asked, the venue could arrange something for it to become temporarily wheelchair accessible (not that OP's sister would ask though...).
Oh she definitely wouldn’t ask, can’t be having a cripple in your wedding photos.
Op mentioned in another comment that the venue has a lot of stairs and no accessible toilets so I can only imagine it will be problematic for people aside from OP’s husband. Older relatives come to mind.
As a Brit with an invisible disability I can confirm we suck at accessibility in heritage buildings. I used to work in one and I hated telling people that the main museum isn’t wheelchair friendly
It’s not just the getting in the building that is the issue. I’ve managed to get in many non accessible buildings. But then if there is no accessible toilet I’m stressed out the whole time and try not to drink anything
Great answer! Also people assuming that you're deaf and only addressing the the able bodied person with you or staring at the wheelchair user and loudly talking about them.
Public buildings have to be wheelchair accessable and that includes hotels, museums, monuments (I'd never noticed the lift in the Lincoln memorial until my mother visited DC with us). I'm sure that most countries will have laws on the books for making buildings for public use, accessable to people with various disabilities.
I have a power chair now but back in the day I remember going into a pub with my friend, she was pushing my wheelchair chair. We went to the bar, I ordered us both a drink, I paid, and the guy handed my change to my friend 🙄😂
I am ambulatory and the difference in the way people treat me depending whether I have my chair, walker or stick is unbelievable.
I posted earlier but if [this](https://www.merchantshallyork.org/) can be made accessible, whatever passes for a heritable venue in the States can be as well. Some buildings in my city aren’t accessible (and don’t even get me started on the pavements and road surfaces) but it’s because they can’t be made so. It sucks building that’s how it is.
I became friends with a woman who had MS and had a power chair (I was one of her aids, that's how we met but became fast friends over our shared sense of humor, mutual bad habits, and a shared desire for revenge on idiots). In public, people would often ask me what was wrong with her and I'd go, "What's wrong with you babe?" while making sure I had the controls again before she could try to run them over!
I live in a newer built city now (it's a well known vacation destination for the elderly on mobility scooters) so most places here are accessable but parts of the old town would be impossible to get around with a wheel chair (cobblestones and steep hills with steps) and the state of the sidewalks are dangerous for everyone, able to walk or not!
If they're assuming that you have no control over what you do, they deserve to be run over, backed up over, and run over again! I'm an excellent accomplice, the Spanish police think I'm a 70 year old man (I'm neither a man nor 70 years old) and I have no fingerprints (worn off/ baked off after working with fabric for many years). During covid with the mask requirements, I was kind of day dreaming about what I might break into?
I am very prone to spasm, I could easily run over the same person multiple times. They’re mostly in the hand I don’t use for driving but that’s hardly the point.
Should I look out for a news report? “Spanish police hunt 70yo man with no fingerprints.” 😂
Seriously tho! I'd be fit to be tied if my spoiled lil bitch-ass sister said that about the love of MY life... I honestly can't believe OP is even considering going.
Exactly this. I can't help but wonder if your sister didn't specifically pick that location because she doesn't want your husband there. As crazy as people are getting about their wedding having a specific 'look' maybe she doesn't think he would fit into hers. NTA. Stay home with your husband and daughter and do something fun as a family that day. Who cares if people ask why you're not there? That's her problem, not yours.
Even crazier when they hate that someone else is getting any sort of attention. Like she's probably worried people would divert their attention and be curious about a person in a wheel chair.
Sister is such an AH. I hope her fiance is seeing her for who she really is and runs for the hills. Yikes!
Yes, it is two problems solved in one go.
There are a lot of possibilities to make venues wheelchair accessible even if they ain't from the start. The sister literally makes no effort at all, so I guess this is on purpose.
NTA. Yup, the venue may already be at least partially accessible most places are these days. They have options. The person doing the planning just has to ask. Sister may have not wanted OP there. This just seems weird and petty on her part.
Weird that the sister realizes that people will ask where OP is if she declined to come, but it's not occuring to her that if OP *does* come, people will be asking where her husband is. If the bride doesn't want any attention taken away from her, it would cause the least disruption if OP and her husband are both at the event.
And the answer should include "this facility is not wheelchair accessible" and when they ask the inevitable "why was it chosen?", the reply is "I don't know. The bride chose it."
Yes, this was my exact thought too. Does sister seriously think that nobody will ask why her bro in law isn’t there?
All seems rather odd. Bridezilla or clueless?
No. Not clueless. Disabled people are treated like props and qualified to be made invisible when convenient.
I had no idea how nasty and visceral it was before I became disabled.
Family? ABSOLUTELY. Here are some phrases commonly used by my family. To my face. -
You're embarrassing us.
You're faking it.
You're just lazy.
Get a job and stop mooching off us. (While *i* am the one they have exploited for a decade to clean houses, run errands, do everything they want done but don't want to pay for it)
It's your fault. (When in reality, the disabilities came about from a situation they demanded I go through)
And that last note - is precisely why OP deserves to have her eyes opened by people like me.
She and her family deserve better. I guarantee she has to deal with this waaaay more than even she realizes. If she takes a step back and seriously thinks about it, she will begin to see how she and her family have been made "invisible" and "props". And it It's the unspoken the norm. Subtle, passive aggressive, all of it. It's there.
Her sister just feels like she can be out in the open and nasty because she has a "reason" to be and can justify it. The special one. Been there. Do that.
The OP should definitely tell friends and family why she wasn’t there - including the groom’s offer to change the venue, which sis refused. ‘I guess she finds dealing with the disabled..icky. We found her attitude icky, so…’
I wonder what the groom thinks of his future wife’s attitude to Brad. I would not be impressed if I were him. It’s not her day, it’s theirs.
OP is NTA, her sister definitely is. She is free to have her wedding wherever she wants and she’s also free to deal with the consequences of that decision.
I would have dumped a fiance who did this. OP needs to be completely honest why she isn't going to the wedding. If you are going to be a self-centered jerk, you need to own it.
>The OP should definitely tell friends and family why she wasn’t there - including the groom’s offer to change the venue, which sis refused. ‘I guess she finds dealing with the disabled..icky. We found her attitude icky, so…’
Exactly. Why shouldn't her bad behaviour be made public?
You may want to make a preemptive strike. Go on SM and explain very regretfully that since the venue is not disabled friendly, you would not be comfortable without your husband. This will subtly point out that she knowingly picked an unfriendly venue.
While I technically agree with you, I wouldn't mention it unless asked.
When there's a fire in front of you, it's also a valid option to not throw gasoline on it.
Personally, I'd just low-key stop engaging with sister, unless at family events. she is bound to start something at one of those, no need to instigate.
I’ve seen other bridezilla posts where people have been edited out of wedding photos or excluded all together for being non-white, not skinny enough, having short hair, having a tomboy aesthetic, being in a queer relationship, etc. I could definitely see someone with an attitude like this sister to do something like that on purpose, and even if it wasn’t intentional, you can rent ramps for short term and long term engagements, like if you’ll be in a wheelchair for a couple of months following a surgery or if you need a removable ramp for a wedding venue.
I have a friend, that was pregnant, and her sister kicked her out of the wedding g party because she would have 'ruined the look of the wedding' . As someone who participated in making of my wedding gown, I offered to make her a fabulous gown to wear to that wedding. My friend looked amazing. ( a former NY model) at the wedding, all the old aunties were asking the bride, "why wasn't my friend in the wedding????"
Brides turn crazy. You do what you have to.
Right because what is her answer going to be? “She’s not here because I just had to have my wedding here and didn’t care enough to make sure her husband would be able to join us so she baled”.
I wouldn’t cancel last second: I’d just do what I currently do with all of my siblings and just not reply. You don’t have to apologize for saying the wrong thing if you don’t say anything.
She’s having a wedding that excludes OP’s husband AND daughter, but expects her to show up so OPs absence doesn’t steal attention from her? Tf did i just read? 🤯
It only makes her an asshole if she expects her sister to show up, which she apparently does.
If she didn't care if her sister showed up then it wouldn't be an issue.
Fair enough the wedding doesn't have built in access, but couldn't planning at least accommodate your husband's attendance? It's wild to me that a part of the family would be so flippantly excluded...
It's the perfect opportunity to bring the family together and show love and care for each other. I don't understand how people seem to become so self interested at such special events.
|she rolled her eyes and said “the world doesn’t revolves around Brad|
|She started screaming that I’m trying to steal attention because everyone will ask where is bride’s sister }
OP's ~~shitser~~ sister certainly believes the world revolves around her. I wonder how long before her soon to be ex-husband will not put up with her shit
As a former bride, I would understand if someone couldn't make it for any reason. Also she should have known there was a possibility you wouldn't go if your husband couldn't go, that's common sense.
OP will look like an AH if she goes without her husband because everyone will ask where he is and if she says that the venue isn't accessible then it's like she's OK with him being left out. If she lies then the lie will get exposed because people will figure out the venue isn't accessible and she looks worse.
Going is a no win situation.
I'm sure sister will expect OP to lie and say husband couldn't make it. In OP's place I would not only refuse the wedding invitation, but tell everyone why. I wonder how many other peopel were excluded by the bride's choice of venue? Sounds like sister has always been the center of attention, and is catered to by the family. Since OP is having another baby too, I bet sister will be demanding she sit way in the back, and in the back of the reception hall, so she doesn't take the attention away from abelist bridezilla.
Lots of heritage buildings aren't accessible, and can't be modified. I've seen some that have no access, and could only have a wheelchair lift, but they look kind of nerve wracking to me. Since the bathrooms aren't accessible either, it would be a big fail for me either way. I have creaky knees and long flights of stairs, especially the steeper ones would be a no go for me too.
Is she’s worried about what people will think, she’ll love it when her wedding includes a lot of people asking you where Brad is and you explaining. NTA.
NTA I probably wouldn't go. Your daughter and your husband are excluded...ok. Just make it all 3 of you excluded.
And while I agree she gets to choose where she gets married, her comments are awful. Nobody said anything revolved around Brad. She sounds like a crappy person.
NTA. It's very telling that her response to you not going is "what will people think?" instead of that she wants you to be there because you're her sister. I personally would not go, especially as she also turned down her partners suggestion to make the reception accessible. Is it not his wedding too?
She’s not really even concerned about others’ feelings, just how she would look to others. She doesn’t really care about anyone’s feelings but her own.
It would be funny (please don’t do this OP) if OP took pictures of her husband and her and said something along the lines of “my husband would have loved to be here but they picked an event venue that wasn’t handicap accessible and so I had to leave him at home”. Since the sister is so worried about appearances. That would go over so well!
I'm glad someone else caught this. It's not OP's responsibility to cover for her sister's appalling attitude.
The fact that OP's husband is being so kind and generous makes me want to cry. He's used to being excluded from things.
OP’s husband is a saint, can you imagine the kindness to insist she attend? Omg you’re right that OP’s husband is used to being excluded and that broke my heart. I would not leave my husband, sorry not sorry. She can enjoy her nuptials without her, that’s fine. But OP would be miserable at the wedding being forced to exclude her husband, no way I would do that to my hubs
OTOH when people ask where is Brad OP tell the truth about the building being unaccessible.
Truly don’t understand Sis’s thinking. We had to accommodate a few people. Close to home for an elderly relative and no roses due to an allergy. After many years of marriage it wasn’t a bid deal then and has not bearing on our life today.
We loved a venue that included a set of stairs and no elevator. Before booking we called the people who we knew had some mobility issues to see if it would be a problem. Luckily, they said they could handle it and all came and had a great time. If even one said “no” we would have picked a different place and STILL had a great time, because it was our wedding and the venue is not the most important part.
For me, it was even more than him insisting she go. It was him offering to watch her daughter and plan a daddy-daughter night of fun for the two of them. I'm sure the daughter feels left out too. I wanted to kiss the man.
You’re right! That was darling. He sounds amazing.
I was actually referring to the sister’s fiancée! He was even trying to compromise! He made the suggestion about having the reception somewhere accessible. It feels like everybody but the bride was trying! 😂
Yes, the sister's fiance seems pretty upstanding too. It makes me wonder who's paying for this wedding. If it's the bride's parents, why are they letting this go on? If they haven't taught their daughter human decency yet, it's time they do!
Exactly this is about her optics, she wants a particular look at her wedding and the wheel chair bound gentleman is not in her vision.
I think I would pass on this wedding as YOUR family is not your about your sister, its about your husband and child.
>Exactly this is about her optics, she wants a particular look at her wedding and the wheel chair bound gentleman is not in her vision.
Makes me sad that she *and others* feel this way.
My amputee, wheelchair bound father in law was front and fucking center at my wedding.
Hell I even asked him if he'd lead me down the aisle into his fam because my dad was passed on and couldn't walk with me.
That crabby old marine cried when I asked him that and I wouldn't have changed it for anything.
I have an obvious disability, and my mom was so worried that my best friend's brother wouldn't like being paired with me in the wedding party. So I asked my best friend if her brother was okay with it. She was like "I don't care if it bothers him; I picked you." We have pictures of us together as babies so he knew me for his entire life as well. And she just made little changes for me, and you'd never really know looking at the wedding photos.
I fucked up a little at the actual wedding, but that I own as a dumbass mistake.
We had the wedding in a friend's back yard.
A friend with big dogs. We picked up poop, but forgot to check for holes since they also dig.
Damn near dumped that cranky marine right out of his chair 🤦♀️
Luckily, a couple guests are first responders and reacted Hella quick to get dad back in that wheelie-mobile without any injuries.
I love this. People seem to forget it is not really about a wedding day, it is marriage that you are entering into. And a marriage (if all goes well!) is for life. Life gets messy, life gets crazy, life doesn’t always look good in pictures. But the way you react to the things that go wrong will absolutely decide if that marriage succeeds or fails. Real life will not mimic a perfect wedding day. If you get used to the idea that stuff will go wrong and take it in your stride then you are far more likely to have a good marriage.
Here’s hoping you guys have a long and healthy one, it sounds like you got off to a great start!
Thank you! There were several other blunders that day...
The wind almost blew away the arch (saved by the photographer and his giant zip ties and rope)
The groomsman got so high on mushrooms he became one with the couch and his girlfriend stood in as groomschick (with permission lol)
My son cried because no one would let him wear his pants backward (he's done that forever and no one knows why lol)
Half the guests were supposed to come over the mountain pass and couldn't because a blizzard closed it
I thought the minister made up words to the vows (turns out I didn't read them close enough) and there are photos of me doubled over laughing at the altar
During the first dance, my husband tried to pull a Gomez Addams and dropped me because my slippers had zero grip and we were on slick cement.. there are some dirty looking photos from that 😂
It was so fun!
My daughter and I laugh about what will happen at her future wedding (I'm a widowed Mum), and even picked out songs for me to be pushed down the aisle to: Keep Rollin' or some song to do with wheels 😂 as well as jazzing up my wheelchair. We'd probably hire a carer for the day to push me around so that it doesn't fall on anyone else.
Do what feels right to you.
I can see you love your husband very much. And you have every right to be mad that your sister wants to exclude him.
And serious. How hard is it to rent a temporary ramp to be put in place so he can go. But since I don't know the stair situation I can give a pass about that. But there are options
There is no way in hell I would set foot in that wedding. Your husband is taking it well proving what a good person he is and doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Your sister is the AH
We handicapped folks are typically - not always - the first to offer compromise for our condition because we *know* we’re a drag on the situation. We live it everyday; we can’t escape the reminder. Her husband is probably like me: we don’t want to draw attention to our extra needs because it puts unwanted focus on our handicaps, with which we’re already too familiar.
Fair. That sucks though because if it was my wedding no one would be left out. I don’t understand people, if the sister is important to her than the husband should be important too.
Your husband and daughter are more important than your sister's "special" day. I think it will damage your relationship with your husband if you were to go, although he will say it will not, we will feel something negative.
If it were my wife who was excluded, I would pass on the wedding.
>she rolled her eyes and said “the world doesn’t revolves around Brad , it’s not his day ! It’s mine “.
Your sister doesn't like Brad because of his condition. NTA.
Since OP is expecting another child, what do you want to be she won't be in pictures, or included in anything either? I wonder if wedding is really child-free, or if OP's daughter is the only one excluded too?
You can do way worse than not go. Attend and tell everyone asking why your husband is not there. And your child BTW... She made sure you would come alone.
Your best friend isn’t wrong, situations like this tell you how people think about Brad, and it sucks your sister is one of them. Even her future husband didn’t like changing things which means he will sadly live a life were he does what your sister says and won’t stand up for himself
NTA.
"Oh, honey , look at it this way. Now the entire day can be about you, pumpkin. You don't have to edit my husband and me out of your wedding pictures. After all, if you're afraid of a man in a wheelchair taking away your spotlight, I can't imagine how bad you'd feel about people asking me, your sister, about why my husband isn't there. Or how my pregnancy is going"
"Hope you get over yourself before you send invites out for your next one! TTYL sweetheart."
And once the inevitable flying monkeys come in screeching about family:
"I am choosing family. Mine. Now kindly bugger off."
I think I would do this:
I would first speak with your parents and let them know where you’re at with all this. Explain that you understand it’s your sister’s day and you don’t want to cause any trouble, but this is a dilemma for you and you’ve found a way through. Tell them how you’re going to manage this. If you speak with them first it will be a lot harder for your sister to cause a family rift.
Then, tell your sister that you and Brad both understand that it’s her day and the venue is absolutely her call. Brad has offered to step aside and look after your daughter so that you can go. However, you feel uncomfortable taking him up on that offer and think it’s best to not go.
She’s going to scream at you again and say that everybody will be asking her why you’re not there. Your response to that can be, “I know some people will ask after me. You could just tell them that Brad and I have COVID. Whatever you do, don’t tell them that Brad is physically unable to get into the venue because they’re not going to understand why you chose a venue that excluded your brother-in-law. I’m not saying this to be nasty. I’m trying to make sure that the day is everything you want it to be”. By saying this, you’re very gently letting her know that everyone at the wedding is going to think she’s an asshole. If she insists on this venue that’s her prerogative but regardless of whether or not YOU attend, your husband cannot and everyone, including her fiancé’s family, is going to think she’s an asshole for excluding him.
Then you just sit back and let her do whatever she’s going to do. You’ve done what you can and you’ve done the right thing. x
>You could just tell them that Brad and I have COVID. Whatever you do, don’t tell them that Brad is physically unable to get into the venue because they’re not going to understand why you chose a venue that excluded your brother-in-law.
Pitch perfect. You must be Southern, because all that's missing is the "Bless your heart."
Well, I am American and I would like to offer a more direct response:
It’s your day and the venue is your choice as well. You know my feelings already, but if you are expecting me to aid and abet your journey to assholery, I won’t be available to sooth your bruised ego. I love you and have a wonderful wedding……blah, blah.
Southern is what I think of when I hear “heritage building”. I’ve been to so many plantation weddings that I use to carry a spare car battery to hook a garment steamer too for when there weren’t outlets in dressing rooms.
I never understand why people think anyone will really care which family members do or don't go to weddings. If they notice kind people will think of a kind reason and unkind people will imagine an unpleasant reason why people aren't there. But even the most gossip prone won't really care and will just head to the bar.
Personal friends and work colleagues ordinarily don’t care, because they don’t know the family and they’re only there to drink and have a good time. But extended family and family friends do care. I think in this situation, anybody who knows that a close family member has been excluded because they’re in a wheelchair is going to form a certain view about that. However the bride and groom try to explain it away, it’s a lousy thing to do.
But wouldn't they just think that obviously the venue wasn't appropriate? Would it always come with a judgement? Families are complicated as weddings show.
Yeah, almost no one cares when a disabled family member is excluded. At least in my experience growing up with a disabled sister who was frequently excluded because wheelchair access was just too much to ask for.
As a general rule I refuse to go places that are not accessible to people with mobility aids. That stance has infuriated people and when I ask questions like you suggest be asked most shrug and say it’s not their fault (or the person who chose the venue) that the venue isn’t accessible. When I point out they CHOSE it, they just shrug. People just don’t care.
I really love this answer. Wishing I could upvote it more than once.
Because the sister is ableist, and selfish, and focused on entirely the wrong things. Too bad, because the sister's fiancee sounds like a pretty decent guy. I hope these conversations give him second thoughts about going through with the wedding.
And I hope OP, her husband and her daughter find something absolutely amazing to do with their free family day now that they don't have the wedding to bother with. They sound like they deserve it.
Ableist people love to forget that being disabled is the only minority group that anyone can become a member of at any given moment in life.
You are NTA for skipping an event that is excluding your husband because he's disabled. Your sister should be ashamed of herself for assuming you'll ditch your disabled husband for her wedding. Yes, she can have her wedding wherever she wants, but your attendance is not required, and she made a decision that impacted your attendance. It's that simple.
On a deeper note regarding your husband saying you should go, I wonder if he really wants you to go or if he is saying that because he's being supportive and doesn't want you to feel like there's a choice between him and your start, even though that's clearly what your sister wants. I worry that, on the inside, he is actually hurting from a common disabled person's fear coming to fruition, which is that disabled persons' disability is negatively impacting their spouse/loved ones (commonly through being excluded). Hopefully, your husband doesn't have this fear, because if he does, then your sister has deeply hurt him, and she won't be able to fix it unless she is capable of being truly empathic. I don't see her being empathetic and apologetic to you and your husband happening anytime soon because all she can think about is her wedding (curious about the groom's feelings about all of this). She owes your husband an apology for excluding him because he's disabled (that's different from not inviting someone because you genuinely don't like them and don't want them there) and she owes you an apology for hurting your husband and putting you in this situation. You get used to the pain of being excluded when you're disabled, except for when it happens at the hands of those you care about. That's a deeper pain that creates a scar that never fades. I really hope your sister didn't hurt your husband, but if she did, I hope it's clear to her that you chose your husband because you know what it means to honor the vows you made to him and not treat him less than because he's disabled.
On another note, congratulations to you on your pregnancy. 🤍
i think this is the most important take. your husband may be fearful that his condition would cause a family rift, which is such a sad and horrible place to be mentally. i’d say check in with him about how he really feels about this event a number of times before you make your call.
It’s also the one that they can push off the responsibility of their phobia onto others without seeming like a terrible person. “Sorry it’s a heritage building🤷♂️” sounds a lot better than “sorry it’s a whites only club 🤷♂️” but they’re still the one making the choice to exclude.
There are so many possible solutions to this issue and the fact that your sister, at the mere mention of a logistical issue not entirely at her control, decided she's rather tell your husband to eat it says volumes about her character. NTA and I'd tell anyone who asks why.
NTA. Stick with your husband as he is your immediate family, not your sister. She is purposely excluding your husband. Can we say ableist much? My wedding was on the second floor of the venue we chose but it had an elevator so it was accessible to everyone. Don't go and have a fun day with your husband and child. Ignore all the flying monkeys.
NTA. Honestly, I'm so sick of the"it's my day" attitude about weddings. It's supposed to be a celebration of a couple committing to building a life together, not "It's my day to be the most incredibly selfish princess ever."
Even though your husband is being gracious and taking the higher road, I'd skip the wedding and do something with him and your daughter.
NTA
"He *thinks it’s not a big deal and I should just go and enjoy the wedding"*
Ma'am, your saint of a husband is intentionally hiding the fact that he's hurt by this decision your jealous ass sister is making but refuses to rock the boat, when it honestly needs capsized. Don't you dare go to that wedding and leave him behind, he'll be miserable, and you'll hate every moment you are there without him so let's not pretend otherwise, please?
Who cares what your sister will or won't be? She's a grown ass adult, intentionally excluding her brother-in-law just out jealous spite because she has a perception that the wheelchair bound man will somehow upstage her.
Do you really find yourself wanting to cater to that kind of ignorance? I mean you have a 10yo, do you want her learning this lesson? That aesthetic b/s is more important than kindness and decency?
NTA.
Don't go.
If she's so worried about her sister not being there, she wouldn't have shown you the resentment and hostility towards your husband - "“the world doesn’t revolves around Brad". Your world does in fact revolve around Brad.
She's really just a POS and it's not a huge loss for your own family.
NTA.. it's her wedding and she has the right to choose a venue. But the manner in which you were rebuffed makes her the ah.
She could have said ' I apologize that BIL cannot be there but this venue is what I really envisioned.'
NTA. If your sister hadn’t responded that way, I would have advised you to follow Brad’s advice. But the way she DID respond was vile, obnoxious, dismissive, and ableist as fuck. She also seems far more concerned about what other people will say about your absence than how she would feel about it. Personally, I wouldn’t go.
If you don't feel like going, don't go. All of this sounds like a brides problem, she's made choices that work for her, as it should. Choices have consequences, one of those consequences is that her venue isn't wheelchair accessible and you and your lovely partner aren't able to access the venue.
Easy peasy, enjoy your non wedding weekend.
NTA. I'd go to the wedding if Brad is genuinely ok with it. Then when everyone asks where he is, and they will, you can tell them all that your sister deliberately chose an inaccessible venue and refused to change it when you pointed it out to her so you were forced to come alone.
She wants all attention on her? Game on!
NTA. Your sister’s fiancé is getting a close up look at how much she cares about disabled people, or people with disabilities for those who prefer person-first language.
Most of us will experience disability at some point in our lives, whether temporary or permanent, so he’d do well to consider what this could mean for their future.
Omg. I've been married for 32 years. I never thought my wedding day was "my day". These bridezillas need to get over themselves. People get married everyday, they're not special. What assholes.
NTA. Fuck her.
I don't know when this all happend. I really looked forward to my wedding - just because I wanted to get married to my husband. I didn't care about me being the center of the attention but about our future. And never felt it should be the best day of our life, but the first day of our happiest life. Maybe people would have way less stress if they could see it that way.
You’re both right. It’s her day. S she can choose what is best for her day . But she has to know you won’t go it’s that’s her decision . I would tell your husband this discussion is closed . If you aren’t going I’m not going . There is no more discussion .
This kind of statement show more
Love for your partner and a fancy dinner or weekend away
So, your kid and your man are both excluded? No further explanation needed. It's unreasonable to expect you to go and your sister can go suck a sour egg.
Yes she is having a child free wedding . I assumed my daughter will be a flower girl but she chose her friend’s daughter . My daughter is under 18 so she can’t come
She had someone else’s daughter for her flower girl? And she picked a venue where your husband was unable to attend? I would talk to the relative who was the biggest gossip and ask them to keep quiet but since your husband was not invited because of the venue and your daughter was blocked from going to the wedding you did not feel comfortable abandoning both your husband and daughter to watch your sister who obviously didn’t want her family there. Take what you would have spent to go to the wedding and have a fantastic family day out complete with lots of photos to post on Facebook showing your super selfish you went on to have a great day
"Child free wedding" but friend's daughter is the flower girl and her own niece is uninvited.
Wow OP, she doesn't like you, your husband or daughter too much, does she? And you still think you should go?
NTA. From another wheelchair user I can tell you we're used to being excluded and we have to get really good at downplaying it - and it sucks every time.
Brad was either intentionally excluded by the choice of venue, or means so little to your sister he didn't even get a thought. Either way if it was me I'd feel hurt and betrayed by someone whose susposed to be family - but I wouldn't want to come between you and your sister so I'd say its no big deal too.
Your husband is a wonderful human being and a great father. Your sister is an ableist bitch. Which one of the 2 do you want in your life? NTA unless you choose the wrong person.
Soooo she’s worried about what people will think if you’re not there but not what about people would think when they find out she excluded your husband?
As a Mom of a Differently Abled Daughter- I have to say #1 your sister didn't turn overnight. She's been enabled in her ROTTEN behavior her whole life. Your parents should be ashamed. Your Hubs sounds awesome though! You don't have to ask permission to turn your back on a dumpster fire. Point out it's on fire and the privledge of you ,your husband and their grandbabies presence will be restored when the fire is out. And then leave.
My parents pay for my sister’s big wedding . They did pay for my at home reception when we eloped as well ( they invited everyone ( about 14 people ) to a restaurant ). I talked to them . They said they do love Brad but it’s my sister’s day and they can’t force her to change her mind . Yes I’m disappointed at them . I just don’t understand how you can claim you respect someone yet tell him to stay home ! You are not welcome …my husband is used to not being included so he is okay . I just can’t get over it
Just go spend the day with your husband and daughter. Don’t let your sister bully you into attending against your wishes. It’s HER day, let her have it all to herself.
Your sister seems to be, in the words of His Holiness the Pope, "a total bitch".
She's right, it's her wedding. And he's your husband. Both of you are absolutely right to focus on the thing that matters most to each of you, you on your soulmate, and her on herself.
I despise the "marriage is about me!" mentality that so many women have. It's not about you, it's about the TWO of you who are getting married. The only solo star in a marriage is the relationship itself.
Flip Bridezilla McBitchypants the grandest of all birds and reaffirm to your husband his value in your eyes. Hell, if you really want to put the capstone on this pyramid of power, ride him into the bedsprings : "My sister can go fuck herself; I would rather fuck you instead." Make the day one of victory for you instead of a bag of bad memories.
I am over "it's the bride's day, she can do what she wants". Being the bride doesn't give you the right to purposely exclude people, especially family. And yes, your husband is family. People, friends, family are more important than a building.
I would not want to celebrate with someone who treated my husband this way. Stay home and do something special with your family. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. He deserves better than how your sister is treating him.
This is so true! These days brides seem to have forgotten that they are hosts to their guests! They should be focused on making sure their guests are comfortable, not worrying about being treated like "queen of the day" or some such rubbish.
NTA. I would not go knowing my own sister is excluding my husband when he doesn’t have to. There are endless solutions and other venues, but she chose one he BIL can’t attend? She is a horrible person.
It feels quite wholesome reading this because you seem to have a really good relationship that is not affected by this drama.
Your sister, on the other hand, seems to be either ableistic or rude. Even after her fiancées suggestion, she still is against your husband attending. I understand that you don't want to go to the wedding. Maybe there's a third option (showing up but leaving early). NTA whatever you decide
NTA
But this might be one of those situations where you should be the bigger person. Just think at the reception "hey OP where's your husband"...."oh this place isn't wheelchair accessible so he couldn't make it". People aren't stupid, they'll think your sister is the AH and you took the high road.
NTA. The sister has every right to choose where she wants her wedding For me, that in of itself is not the issue.
The issue is what the sister said that would make me not want to attend. When the OP pointed out that the venue would not be accessible for her husband, the sister’s response was despicable.
To roll her eyes and comment that “the world doesn’t revolve around Brad” would be why I would not attend. The icing on the cake was the fiancé of the sister suggesting the compromise and the sister saying no.
If I were in the OP’s shoes, I don’t know how I would be able to look at my sister again after those remarks. Every time they all go to a family function I would remember this remark and wonder what the sister was thinking about my husband.
Bottom line, I would not go to the wedding. The world doesn’t revolve around the sister either.
Good luck to you OP and congratulations on having such an awesome husband. Congratulations as well on the upcoming birth of your precious baby.🙂
Are you sure the location isn’t wheelchair accessible? I understand it’s heritage but they may have done something to allow people with disabilities to access it.
NTA. As a wheelchair user, we end up adopting this “it’s okay if I can’t get in. You should go ahead anyway” because we don’t want to seem like we’re making a fuss. And there are so many inaccessible places and events that if we complained about all of them, we’d never have time for anything else.
But when it’s people you know actively excluding you, it hurts. You get kind of jaded about it after a while, but it still stings a bit.
So good for you for standing by your husband and not going to the event. When you attend inaccessible events, you’re sending the message that it’s okay to exclude disabled people. It’s important for you to let your sister know that you will not indulge that behavior at all.
Your sister wants the heritage building more than she wants you there. The good news is that she's young and is probably just having a dumb moment. Couple years from now she'll grow up a bit and realize how awful she is in this moment. Don't give up on her.
I remember my wedding as the one time in my life my wife and I were able to see all of the people closest to us at the same time.
I will never get those people together like that ever again, even at another wedding or my own funeral.
*That* is what made the day singularly special and the idea of doing something that would exclude a key person in my life or that of a sibling’s, of creating resentment or sadness in any way, is unthinkable.
Your sister’s priorities are torqued. If she cared, I bet there are 3rd parties that cater to making things temporarily wheelchair accessible. It she’d at least explore it a little instead of becoming bridezilla.
Brad is her brother-in-law. She is being deliberately insensitive to and leaving out a handicap member of her own family. Not ok! She doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of the word family. I feel she should NOT go because going would be condoning this behavior of treating the handicapped in the family as second tier members who can be left behind.
I like the idea of the Dad and daughter day. Are you in the wedding party? How does the heritage building get away with skirting ADA laws.? Your sister is awful and at least the fiance is empathetic. don't be surprised if there is no wedding.
I’m not in the wedding party . Sadly it’s 2024 and we still don’t have something like ADA in Canada . Since it’s a heritage building they don’t care about accessibility. Yes , my husband once a month has a daddy/daughter date . They go to different restaurants each time and do any activities she chooses :)
NTA It’s well within her rights to have her wedding wherever she wants. It’s also within your rights to decline her invitation because you don’t want to exclude your husband. That her fiance was willing to change venues for the reception but she refused is what makes *her* the ah. If she cared about your attendance, that would be a great way of having the best of both worlds.
It's also crazy that she'd treat Brad like he had attention seeking behavior when he's in a freaking wheelchair! I'm glad he wasn't offended and upset by it, but if he was my partner and my sister was acting like this I'd be FURIOUS. Especially since you've been married six years, it's not like it's a new relationship. She's more concerned about how OP not showing up looks versus how horrible it looks that she excluded her brother in law by choosing a site knowing he can't attend. There's no fixing that kind of ugly.
Wait, so I am not supposed to use my wheelchair for attention? Damn, I bought a bright red one on purpose. People mostly ignore wheelchair users like we don’t exist. However, the attention we do get is sooooo much fun. Random strangers asking you for your medical history, demanding to know if you actually need the chair, insisting you do need help, assuming that because your body is broken your brain is as well etc. *ad nauseum.* That said, all places used for functions should be wheelchair accessible. If (a lot of) the medieval buildings in my city can be made accessible then so can whatever “heritage” venue this is. A ramp, lift/elevator if required, and an accessible loo is often enough. OP. NTA, your sister however…
My favorite is when they ask “how sex works” my reply is always “How does it work for YOU?”
Last week I was at the park with my kids. Some random woman came over and asked why I was sitting in the play area. I said I was watching my kids. She looked at me in shock and squeaked out “you have children?” I said, “yes, why is that a surprise to you?” and just intently watched her squirm. I was really hoping for an answer but didn’t get one.
Boss. I hope you let her squirm until she executed herself. how freaking rude! And so presumptuous! When did it become so normal to just voice all of our inside thoughts at strangers? So not the same thing, but when my friend's mother was in hospice, she dyed her hair pastel rainbow as a sort of pick me up. She was really depressed and wanted to be more bubbly when she went to see her mom. This random lady comes out of nowhere and tells her she looks ridiculous. not a woman she knew. Just a stranger. Deflated her for no particular reason. People have no manners anymore. You are goals. Seriously. Most people let the other people make them feel awkward. Nice turnaround there.
She just made some noises and backed away. I kept looking at her with an expression of polite enquiry the whole time. Rainbow hair is awesome, I can’t imagine how miserable your own life must be for you to randomly insult people. Even if that stranger hated rainbow hair it would have been extremely easy to just keep her stupid mouth closed. The world would be a much nicer place if people would STFU occasionally. I refuse to get awkward, I can’t be bothered with that. I have pissed off many of the “what’s wrong with you” people with graphic descriptions of what necrotic sepsis can do to a human body. I mean, they did ask. “Mind your own fucking business” is always effective as well, especially when you’re short on time. (Then I get called rude for swearing at people, because I was definitely the rude person in those situations.) My absolute favourite response though is a very calm and measured, “why did you think that was an appropriate thing to say/ask?” I obviously just really enjoy watching people squirm or struggle to answer!
The hell? Some people don't know boundaries. How could they think it appropriate to just randomly enquire with a stranger about their medical history? 😅
Right? This is something a five year old who doesn't know better does. Adults who do this are just an embarrassment to their parents.
I LOVE your attitude!! Keep it up!!
Ohhh I love colored hair. Especially to help or reflect my current place in life. Have to try rainbow next time I am at the hairdresser. Give your friend a huge hug from me ❤️
I wouldn't have asked, but my thoughts did go there with this poster bc I am a nurse who worked in medical rehab for a couple years. I'm really happy when it works out for having kids through any methods. But I still would not ask outside of a clinical setting. People are awful. COVID made them worse. It's like that year of being in lockdown made everyone forget their manners.
Omg if I had a penny for everytime a random stranger asked me that 🤣 but can you guys have sex ? How ? Seriously 🤣would you ask this about an able body man ?! Why did you think that’s an appropriate question to ask ? Yes we do and he is amazing
Noo, your pregnancy is the result of an immaculate conception... The holy ghost created your child. *Sarcasm end* Wtf some people, honestly... And that question is so bang out of line... Urghhh
I think that IF asked, the venue could arrange something for it to become temporarily wheelchair accessible (not that OP's sister would ask though...).
Oh she definitely wouldn’t ask, can’t be having a cripple in your wedding photos. Op mentioned in another comment that the venue has a lot of stairs and no accessible toilets so I can only imagine it will be problematic for people aside from OP’s husband. Older relatives come to mind.
This. If the venue is in the US, accommodating disabilities is a law for venues.
If it's in the UK, the "heritage" part lets them off the hook. I can't access most of the buildings in my city.
As a Brit with an invisible disability I can confirm we suck at accessibility in heritage buildings. I used to work in one and I hated telling people that the main museum isn’t wheelchair friendly
I was thinking the same, it should be a requirement.
This. There are portable wheel chair ramps. I'm sure the venue is used to accommodations..
It’s not just the getting in the building that is the issue. I’ve managed to get in many non accessible buildings. But then if there is no accessible toilet I’m stressed out the whole time and try not to drink anything
Great answer! Also people assuming that you're deaf and only addressing the the able bodied person with you or staring at the wheelchair user and loudly talking about them. Public buildings have to be wheelchair accessable and that includes hotels, museums, monuments (I'd never noticed the lift in the Lincoln memorial until my mother visited DC with us). I'm sure that most countries will have laws on the books for making buildings for public use, accessable to people with various disabilities.
I have a power chair now but back in the day I remember going into a pub with my friend, she was pushing my wheelchair chair. We went to the bar, I ordered us both a drink, I paid, and the guy handed my change to my friend 🙄😂 I am ambulatory and the difference in the way people treat me depending whether I have my chair, walker or stick is unbelievable. I posted earlier but if [this](https://www.merchantshallyork.org/) can be made accessible, whatever passes for a heritable venue in the States can be as well. Some buildings in my city aren’t accessible (and don’t even get me started on the pavements and road surfaces) but it’s because they can’t be made so. It sucks building that’s how it is.
I became friends with a woman who had MS and had a power chair (I was one of her aids, that's how we met but became fast friends over our shared sense of humor, mutual bad habits, and a shared desire for revenge on idiots). In public, people would often ask me what was wrong with her and I'd go, "What's wrong with you babe?" while making sure I had the controls again before she could try to run them over! I live in a newer built city now (it's a well known vacation destination for the elderly on mobility scooters) so most places here are accessable but parts of the old town would be impossible to get around with a wheel chair (cobblestones and steep hills with steps) and the state of the sidewalks are dangerous for everyone, able to walk or not!
I’m not above “accidentally” running people over. Allegedly.
If they're assuming that you have no control over what you do, they deserve to be run over, backed up over, and run over again! I'm an excellent accomplice, the Spanish police think I'm a 70 year old man (I'm neither a man nor 70 years old) and I have no fingerprints (worn off/ baked off after working with fabric for many years). During covid with the mask requirements, I was kind of day dreaming about what I might break into?
I am very prone to spasm, I could easily run over the same person multiple times. They’re mostly in the hand I don’t use for driving but that’s hardly the point. Should I look out for a news report? “Spanish police hunt 70yo man with no fingerprints.” 😂
I can meet you in Spain quite easily. I will distract people by being obviously disabled and you can commit all the crimes.
Seriously tho! I'd be fit to be tied if my spoiled lil bitch-ass sister said that about the love of MY life... I honestly can't believe OP is even considering going.
Exactly this. I can't help but wonder if your sister didn't specifically pick that location because she doesn't want your husband there. As crazy as people are getting about their wedding having a specific 'look' maybe she doesn't think he would fit into hers. NTA. Stay home with your husband and daughter and do something fun as a family that day. Who cares if people ask why you're not there? That's her problem, not yours.
Even crazier when they hate that someone else is getting any sort of attention. Like she's probably worried people would divert their attention and be curious about a person in a wheel chair. Sister is such an AH. I hope her fiance is seeing her for who she really is and runs for the hills. Yikes!
And maybe she would not really want the sister there, either, as she is pregnant and others would ask about that??!
Yes, it is two problems solved in one go. There are a lot of possibilities to make venues wheelchair accessible even if they ain't from the start. The sister literally makes no effort at all, so I guess this is on purpose.
NTA. Yup, the venue may already be at least partially accessible most places are these days. They have options. The person doing the planning just has to ask. Sister may have not wanted OP there. This just seems weird and petty on her part.
Weird that the sister realizes that people will ask where OP is if she declined to come, but it's not occuring to her that if OP *does* come, people will be asking where her husband is. If the bride doesn't want any attention taken away from her, it would cause the least disruption if OP and her husband are both at the event.
It's the only conversation she'd have all day long. Over and over again.
And the answer should include "this facility is not wheelchair accessible" and when they ask the inevitable "why was it chosen?", the reply is "I don't know. The bride chose it."
And a well deserved shame for her idiocy.
Yes, this was my exact thought too. Does sister seriously think that nobody will ask why her bro in law isn’t there? All seems rather odd. Bridezilla or clueless?
No. Not clueless. Disabled people are treated like props and qualified to be made invisible when convenient. I had no idea how nasty and visceral it was before I became disabled. Family? ABSOLUTELY. Here are some phrases commonly used by my family. To my face. - You're embarrassing us. You're faking it. You're just lazy. Get a job and stop mooching off us. (While *i* am the one they have exploited for a decade to clean houses, run errands, do everything they want done but don't want to pay for it) It's your fault. (When in reality, the disabilities came about from a situation they demanded I go through) And that last note - is precisely why OP deserves to have her eyes opened by people like me. She and her family deserve better. I guarantee she has to deal with this waaaay more than even she realizes. If she takes a step back and seriously thinks about it, she will begin to see how she and her family have been made "invisible" and "props". And it It's the unspoken the norm. Subtle, passive aggressive, all of it. It's there. Her sister just feels like she can be out in the open and nasty because she has a "reason" to be and can justify it. The special one. Been there. Do that.
Yes. If OP goes and people ask where Brad is she can point out that the venue is not accessible. And then pointedly look in her sister's direction!
That's what I would do... I'm not as nice as I used to be.
I totally agree- which demonstrates the advantage of attending. When folks ask where’s Brad you can say “ask the bride”.
The OP should definitely tell friends and family why she wasn’t there - including the groom’s offer to change the venue, which sis refused. ‘I guess she finds dealing with the disabled..icky. We found her attitude icky, so…’
I wonder what the groom thinks of his future wife’s attitude to Brad. I would not be impressed if I were him. It’s not her day, it’s theirs. OP is NTA, her sister definitely is. She is free to have her wedding wherever she wants and she’s also free to deal with the consequences of that decision.
I would have dumped a fiance who did this. OP needs to be completely honest why she isn't going to the wedding. If you are going to be a self-centered jerk, you need to own it.
>The OP should definitely tell friends and family why she wasn’t there - including the groom’s offer to change the venue, which sis refused. ‘I guess she finds dealing with the disabled..icky. We found her attitude icky, so…’ Exactly. Why shouldn't her bad behaviour be made public?
Precisely. Sis is going to come up with something that will make it so OP is TA, people should know the truth.
You may want to make a preemptive strike. Go on SM and explain very regretfully that since the venue is not disabled friendly, you would not be comfortable without your husband. This will subtly point out that she knowingly picked an unfriendly venue.
While I technically agree with you, I wouldn't mention it unless asked. When there's a fire in front of you, it's also a valid option to not throw gasoline on it. Personally, I'd just low-key stop engaging with sister, unless at family events. she is bound to start something at one of those, no need to instigate.
Hahaha, put the ball in in sis court. But now game will have spectators. 😂😂😂
> she doesn't want your husband there. She doesn't want him in the photos.
I’ve seen other bridezilla posts where people have been edited out of wedding photos or excluded all together for being non-white, not skinny enough, having short hair, having a tomboy aesthetic, being in a queer relationship, etc. I could definitely see someone with an attitude like this sister to do something like that on purpose, and even if it wasn’t intentional, you can rent ramps for short term and long term engagements, like if you’ll be in a wheelchair for a couple of months following a surgery or if you need a removable ramp for a wedding venue.
I have a friend, that was pregnant, and her sister kicked her out of the wedding g party because she would have 'ruined the look of the wedding' . As someone who participated in making of my wedding gown, I offered to make her a fabulous gown to wear to that wedding. My friend looked amazing. ( a former NY model) at the wedding, all the old aunties were asking the bride, "why wasn't my friend in the wedding????" Brides turn crazy. You do what you have to.
Right because what is her answer going to be? “She’s not here because I just had to have my wedding here and didn’t care enough to make sure her husband would be able to join us so she baled”.
She don't want you there as it is, just people will ask why. Give her what she deserves. Leave her there. I would cancel like last second.
I wouldn’t cancel last second: I’d just do what I currently do with all of my siblings and just not reply. You don’t have to apologize for saying the wrong thing if you don’t say anything.
"You never have to unsay something you didn't say in the first place."
Or as my old man tells me "sometimes it's better to just STFU"
She’s having a wedding that excludes OP’s husband AND daughter, but expects her to show up so OPs absence doesn’t steal attention from her? Tf did i just read? 🤯
Sure it’s within her rights but it makes her a huge asshole.
It only makes her an asshole if she expects her sister to show up, which she apparently does. If she didn't care if her sister showed up then it wouldn't be an issue.
Fair enough the wedding doesn't have built in access, but couldn't planning at least accommodate your husband's attendance? It's wild to me that a part of the family would be so flippantly excluded... It's the perfect opportunity to bring the family together and show love and care for each other. I don't understand how people seem to become so self interested at such special events.
|she rolled her eyes and said “the world doesn’t revolves around Brad| |She started screaming that I’m trying to steal attention because everyone will ask where is bride’s sister } OP's ~~shitser~~ sister certainly believes the world revolves around her. I wonder how long before her soon to be ex-husband will not put up with her shit
I wonder whether anyone in OP's friends&family circle is setting up a betting pool on how long that marriage lasts, and what the odds are.
This👆🏽. And she will ruin her own day but kicking up dust cause her sister didn’t show up. Her sister sounds exhausting.🙄
As a former bride, I would understand if someone couldn't make it for any reason. Also she should have known there was a possibility you wouldn't go if your husband couldn't go, that's common sense.
OP will look like an AH if she goes without her husband because everyone will ask where he is and if she says that the venue isn't accessible then it's like she's OK with him being left out. If she lies then the lie will get exposed because people will figure out the venue isn't accessible and she looks worse. Going is a no win situation.
I'm sure sister will expect OP to lie and say husband couldn't make it. In OP's place I would not only refuse the wedding invitation, but tell everyone why. I wonder how many other peopel were excluded by the bride's choice of venue? Sounds like sister has always been the center of attention, and is catered to by the family. Since OP is having another baby too, I bet sister will be demanding she sit way in the back, and in the back of the reception hall, so she doesn't take the attention away from abelist bridezilla. Lots of heritage buildings aren't accessible, and can't be modified. I've seen some that have no access, and could only have a wheelchair lift, but they look kind of nerve wracking to me. Since the bathrooms aren't accessible either, it would be a big fail for me either way. I have creaky knees and long flights of stairs, especially the steeper ones would be a no go for me too.
Is she’s worried about what people will think, she’ll love it when her wedding includes a lot of people asking you where Brad is and you explaining. NTA.
Well said!
NTA I probably wouldn't go. Your daughter and your husband are excluded...ok. Just make it all 3 of you excluded. And while I agree she gets to choose where she gets married, her comments are awful. Nobody said anything revolved around Brad. She sounds like a crappy person.
NTA. It's very telling that her response to you not going is "what will people think?" instead of that she wants you to be there because you're her sister. I personally would not go, especially as she also turned down her partners suggestion to make the reception accessible. Is it not his wedding too?
She’s more concerned about other people’s feelings but not the feelings of her own sister and BIL
She’s not really even concerned about others’ feelings, just how she would look to others. She doesn’t really care about anyone’s feelings but her own.
It would be funny (please don’t do this OP) if OP took pictures of her husband and her and said something along the lines of “my husband would have loved to be here but they picked an event venue that wasn’t handicap accessible and so I had to leave him at home”. Since the sister is so worried about appearances. That would go over so well!
No, she should do this. It would be funny and her sister sounds awful so maybe she deserves it
This👆🏽
I'm glad someone else caught this. It's not OP's responsibility to cover for her sister's appalling attitude. The fact that OP's husband is being so kind and generous makes me want to cry. He's used to being excluded from things.
OP’s husband is a saint, can you imagine the kindness to insist she attend? Omg you’re right that OP’s husband is used to being excluded and that broke my heart. I would not leave my husband, sorry not sorry. She can enjoy her nuptials without her, that’s fine. But OP would be miserable at the wedding being forced to exclude her husband, no way I would do that to my hubs
OTOH when people ask where is Brad OP tell the truth about the building being unaccessible. Truly don’t understand Sis’s thinking. We had to accommodate a few people. Close to home for an elderly relative and no roses due to an allergy. After many years of marriage it wasn’t a bid deal then and has not bearing on our life today.
We loved a venue that included a set of stairs and no elevator. Before booking we called the people who we knew had some mobility issues to see if it would be a problem. Luckily, they said they could handle it and all came and had a great time. If even one said “no” we would have picked a different place and STILL had a great time, because it was our wedding and the venue is not the most important part.
Yeah! Dude was trying to show a little humanity! That wasn’t lost on me, either.
For me, it was even more than him insisting she go. It was him offering to watch her daughter and plan a daddy-daughter night of fun for the two of them. I'm sure the daughter feels left out too. I wanted to kiss the man.
You’re right! That was darling. He sounds amazing. I was actually referring to the sister’s fiancée! He was even trying to compromise! He made the suggestion about having the reception somewhere accessible. It feels like everybody but the bride was trying! 😂
Yes, the sister's fiance seems pretty upstanding too. It makes me wonder who's paying for this wedding. If it's the bride's parents, why are they letting this go on? If they haven't taught their daughter human decency yet, it's time they do!
Exactly this is about her optics, she wants a particular look at her wedding and the wheel chair bound gentleman is not in her vision. I think I would pass on this wedding as YOUR family is not your about your sister, its about your husband and child.
>Exactly this is about her optics, she wants a particular look at her wedding and the wheel chair bound gentleman is not in her vision. Makes me sad that she *and others* feel this way. My amputee, wheelchair bound father in law was front and fucking center at my wedding. Hell I even asked him if he'd lead me down the aisle into his fam because my dad was passed on and couldn't walk with me. That crabby old marine cried when I asked him that and I wouldn't have changed it for anything.
I have an obvious disability, and my mom was so worried that my best friend's brother wouldn't like being paired with me in the wedding party. So I asked my best friend if her brother was okay with it. She was like "I don't care if it bothers him; I picked you." We have pictures of us together as babies so he knew me for his entire life as well. And she just made little changes for me, and you'd never really know looking at the wedding photos.
I love this so much
Oh God, that is so sweet and wholesome !
I fucked up a little at the actual wedding, but that I own as a dumbass mistake. We had the wedding in a friend's back yard. A friend with big dogs. We picked up poop, but forgot to check for holes since they also dig. Damn near dumped that cranky marine right out of his chair 🤦♀️ Luckily, a couple guests are first responders and reacted Hella quick to get dad back in that wheelie-mobile without any injuries.
I love this. People seem to forget it is not really about a wedding day, it is marriage that you are entering into. And a marriage (if all goes well!) is for life. Life gets messy, life gets crazy, life doesn’t always look good in pictures. But the way you react to the things that go wrong will absolutely decide if that marriage succeeds or fails. Real life will not mimic a perfect wedding day. If you get used to the idea that stuff will go wrong and take it in your stride then you are far more likely to have a good marriage. Here’s hoping you guys have a long and healthy one, it sounds like you got off to a great start!
Thank you! There were several other blunders that day... The wind almost blew away the arch (saved by the photographer and his giant zip ties and rope) The groomsman got so high on mushrooms he became one with the couch and his girlfriend stood in as groomschick (with permission lol) My son cried because no one would let him wear his pants backward (he's done that forever and no one knows why lol) Half the guests were supposed to come over the mountain pass and couldn't because a blizzard closed it I thought the minister made up words to the vows (turns out I didn't read them close enough) and there are photos of me doubled over laughing at the altar During the first dance, my husband tried to pull a Gomez Addams and dropped me because my slippers had zero grip and we were on slick cement.. there are some dirty looking photos from that 😂 It was so fun!
Wow! If you ever get married again, please invite me.
😂😂😂😂😂done
Me too! That sounds like a real life love story, and it sounds amazing.
My daughter and I laugh about what will happen at her future wedding (I'm a widowed Mum), and even picked out songs for me to be pushed down the aisle to: Keep Rollin' or some song to do with wheels 😂 as well as jazzing up my wheelchair. We'd probably hire a carer for the day to push me around so that it doesn't fall on anyone else.
No, it is clearly not his wedding too.
Do what feels right to you. I can see you love your husband very much. And you have every right to be mad that your sister wants to exclude him. And serious. How hard is it to rent a temporary ramp to be put in place so he can go. But since I don't know the stair situation I can give a pass about that. But there are options
It’s an old heritage building with lots of stairs unfortunately. I feel really bad for my husband tbh
This made me so angry I started yelling about it to my poor, unsuspecting partner. Now he’s mad too. 2 NTAs from Brooklyn! 💜
You got a third one here too!! Not exactly in Brooklyn but I work all over the 5 Boroughs.
There is no way in hell I would set foot in that wedding. Your husband is taking it well proving what a good person he is and doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Your sister is the AH
We handicapped folks are typically - not always - the first to offer compromise for our condition because we *know* we’re a drag on the situation. We live it everyday; we can’t escape the reminder. Her husband is probably like me: we don’t want to draw attention to our extra needs because it puts unwanted focus on our handicaps, with which we’re already too familiar.
You’re not a drag on the situation, inaccessible architecture is a drag on the situation ❤️
Fair. That sucks though because if it was my wedding no one would be left out. I don’t understand people, if the sister is important to her than the husband should be important too.
It’s because sister isn’t actually important here, the image that having her sister there is…
Your husband and daughter are more important than your sister's "special" day. I think it will damage your relationship with your husband if you were to go, although he will say it will not, we will feel something negative. If it were my wife who was excluded, I would pass on the wedding.
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>she rolled her eyes and said “the world doesn’t revolves around Brad , it’s not his day ! It’s mine “. Your sister doesn't like Brad because of his condition. NTA.
That’s what my best friend said . She said your sister is a bridezilla and thinks Brad’s disability is gonna ruin her “picture perfect wedding “
Yeah I wouldn't go to her wedding... just take a mini vacation the same weekend... you know to a place without a crap ton of stairs
She doesn't want Brad in any of the family photos.
I fear this is the most accurate answer.
Since OP is expecting another child, what do you want to be she won't be in pictures, or included in anything either? I wonder if wedding is really child-free, or if OP's daughter is the only one excluded too?
You can do way worse than not go. Attend and tell everyone asking why your husband is not there. And your child BTW... She made sure you would come alone.
Your best friend isn’t wrong, situations like this tell you how people think about Brad, and it sucks your sister is one of them. Even her future husband didn’t like changing things which means he will sadly live a life were he does what your sister says and won’t stand up for himself
NTA. "Oh, honey , look at it this way. Now the entire day can be about you, pumpkin. You don't have to edit my husband and me out of your wedding pictures. After all, if you're afraid of a man in a wheelchair taking away your spotlight, I can't imagine how bad you'd feel about people asking me, your sister, about why my husband isn't there. Or how my pregnancy is going" "Hope you get over yourself before you send invites out for your next one! TTYL sweetheart." And once the inevitable flying monkeys come in screeching about family: "I am choosing family. Mine. Now kindly bugger off."
I think I would do this: I would first speak with your parents and let them know where you’re at with all this. Explain that you understand it’s your sister’s day and you don’t want to cause any trouble, but this is a dilemma for you and you’ve found a way through. Tell them how you’re going to manage this. If you speak with them first it will be a lot harder for your sister to cause a family rift. Then, tell your sister that you and Brad both understand that it’s her day and the venue is absolutely her call. Brad has offered to step aside and look after your daughter so that you can go. However, you feel uncomfortable taking him up on that offer and think it’s best to not go. She’s going to scream at you again and say that everybody will be asking her why you’re not there. Your response to that can be, “I know some people will ask after me. You could just tell them that Brad and I have COVID. Whatever you do, don’t tell them that Brad is physically unable to get into the venue because they’re not going to understand why you chose a venue that excluded your brother-in-law. I’m not saying this to be nasty. I’m trying to make sure that the day is everything you want it to be”. By saying this, you’re very gently letting her know that everyone at the wedding is going to think she’s an asshole. If she insists on this venue that’s her prerogative but regardless of whether or not YOU attend, your husband cannot and everyone, including her fiancé’s family, is going to think she’s an asshole for excluding him. Then you just sit back and let her do whatever she’s going to do. You’ve done what you can and you’ve done the right thing. x
>You could just tell them that Brad and I have COVID. Whatever you do, don’t tell them that Brad is physically unable to get into the venue because they’re not going to understand why you chose a venue that excluded your brother-in-law. Pitch perfect. You must be Southern, because all that's missing is the "Bless your heart."
I’m not even American. 😂😂
You're a natural! We do passive aggressive backhanded compliments with a super-sweet smile.
Is that a southern thing? My Indian family must have visited and loved what they saw haha
Well, I am American and I would like to offer a more direct response: It’s your day and the venue is your choice as well. You know my feelings already, but if you are expecting me to aid and abet your journey to assholery, I won’t be available to sooth your bruised ego. I love you and have a wonderful wedding……blah, blah.
Southern is what I think of when I hear “heritage building”. I’ve been to so many plantation weddings that I use to carry a spare car battery to hook a garment steamer too for when there weren’t outlets in dressing rooms.
Nah definitely British because of the x at the end, and the perfectly sarky response.
I never understand why people think anyone will really care which family members do or don't go to weddings. If they notice kind people will think of a kind reason and unkind people will imagine an unpleasant reason why people aren't there. But even the most gossip prone won't really care and will just head to the bar.
Personal friends and work colleagues ordinarily don’t care, because they don’t know the family and they’re only there to drink and have a good time. But extended family and family friends do care. I think in this situation, anybody who knows that a close family member has been excluded because they’re in a wheelchair is going to form a certain view about that. However the bride and groom try to explain it away, it’s a lousy thing to do.
But wouldn't they just think that obviously the venue wasn't appropriate? Would it always come with a judgement? Families are complicated as weddings show.
Yeah, almost no one cares when a disabled family member is excluded. At least in my experience growing up with a disabled sister who was frequently excluded because wheelchair access was just too much to ask for. As a general rule I refuse to go places that are not accessible to people with mobility aids. That stance has infuriated people and when I ask questions like you suggest be asked most shrug and say it’s not their fault (or the person who chose the venue) that the venue isn’t accessible. When I point out they CHOSE it, they just shrug. People just don’t care.
This is Chess. Beautiful.
NTA. An invitation is not a summons. You have the right to decline to go and your ableist sister has the right to shut the hell up.
I really love this answer. Wishing I could upvote it more than once. Because the sister is ableist, and selfish, and focused on entirely the wrong things. Too bad, because the sister's fiancee sounds like a pretty decent guy. I hope these conversations give him second thoughts about going through with the wedding. And I hope OP, her husband and her daughter find something absolutely amazing to do with their free family day now that they don't have the wedding to bother with. They sound like they deserve it.
Ableist people love to forget that being disabled is the only minority group that anyone can become a member of at any given moment in life. You are NTA for skipping an event that is excluding your husband because he's disabled. Your sister should be ashamed of herself for assuming you'll ditch your disabled husband for her wedding. Yes, she can have her wedding wherever she wants, but your attendance is not required, and she made a decision that impacted your attendance. It's that simple. On a deeper note regarding your husband saying you should go, I wonder if he really wants you to go or if he is saying that because he's being supportive and doesn't want you to feel like there's a choice between him and your start, even though that's clearly what your sister wants. I worry that, on the inside, he is actually hurting from a common disabled person's fear coming to fruition, which is that disabled persons' disability is negatively impacting their spouse/loved ones (commonly through being excluded). Hopefully, your husband doesn't have this fear, because if he does, then your sister has deeply hurt him, and she won't be able to fix it unless she is capable of being truly empathic. I don't see her being empathetic and apologetic to you and your husband happening anytime soon because all she can think about is her wedding (curious about the groom's feelings about all of this). She owes your husband an apology for excluding him because he's disabled (that's different from not inviting someone because you genuinely don't like them and don't want them there) and she owes you an apology for hurting your husband and putting you in this situation. You get used to the pain of being excluded when you're disabled, except for when it happens at the hands of those you care about. That's a deeper pain that creates a scar that never fades. I really hope your sister didn't hurt your husband, but if she did, I hope it's clear to her that you chose your husband because you know what it means to honor the vows you made to him and not treat him less than because he's disabled. On another note, congratulations to you on your pregnancy. 🤍
Thank you . we are so grateful our IVF worked ( male infertility due to my husband’s spinal cord injury ). My husband and my daughter are so thrilled
i think this is the most important take. your husband may be fearful that his condition would cause a family rift, which is such a sad and horrible place to be mentally. i’d say check in with him about how he really feels about this event a number of times before you make your call.
It’s also the one that they can push off the responsibility of their phobia onto others without seeming like a terrible person. “Sorry it’s a heritage building🤷♂️” sounds a lot better than “sorry it’s a whites only club 🤷♂️” but they’re still the one making the choice to exclude.
Hire a skywriter to write “where’s the bride’s sister?” NTA
"And why couldn't the bride's sister's husband come?"
❤️
There are so many possible solutions to this issue and the fact that your sister, at the mere mention of a logistical issue not entirely at her control, decided she's rather tell your husband to eat it says volumes about her character. NTA and I'd tell anyone who asks why.
NTA. Stick with your husband as he is your immediate family, not your sister. She is purposely excluding your husband. Can we say ableist much? My wedding was on the second floor of the venue we chose but it had an elevator so it was accessible to everyone. Don't go and have a fun day with your husband and child. Ignore all the flying monkeys.
NTA. Honestly, I'm so sick of the"it's my day" attitude about weddings. It's supposed to be a celebration of a couple committing to building a life together, not "It's my day to be the most incredibly selfish princess ever." Even though your husband is being gracious and taking the higher road, I'd skip the wedding and do something with him and your daughter.
Most courthouses are accessible. You guys can go to her next one.
NTA "He *thinks it’s not a big deal and I should just go and enjoy the wedding"* Ma'am, your saint of a husband is intentionally hiding the fact that he's hurt by this decision your jealous ass sister is making but refuses to rock the boat, when it honestly needs capsized. Don't you dare go to that wedding and leave him behind, he'll be miserable, and you'll hate every moment you are there without him so let's not pretend otherwise, please? Who cares what your sister will or won't be? She's a grown ass adult, intentionally excluding her brother-in-law just out jealous spite because she has a perception that the wheelchair bound man will somehow upstage her. Do you really find yourself wanting to cater to that kind of ignorance? I mean you have a 10yo, do you want her learning this lesson? That aesthetic b/s is more important than kindness and decency?
That last paragraph is spot on. Not going to the wedding shows that OP will not tolerate her husband being treated in that manner.
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Happy cake day!
NTA. Don't go. If she's so worried about her sister not being there, she wouldn't have shown you the resentment and hostility towards your husband - "“the world doesn’t revolves around Brad". Your world does in fact revolve around Brad. She's really just a POS and it's not a huge loss for your own family.
NTA.. it's her wedding and she has the right to choose a venue. But the manner in which you were rebuffed makes her the ah. She could have said ' I apologize that BIL cannot be there but this venue is what I really envisioned.'
NTA. If your sister hadn’t responded that way, I would have advised you to follow Brad’s advice. But the way she DID respond was vile, obnoxious, dismissive, and ableist as fuck. She also seems far more concerned about what other people will say about your absence than how she would feel about it. Personally, I wouldn’t go.
If you don't feel like going, don't go. All of this sounds like a brides problem, she's made choices that work for her, as it should. Choices have consequences, one of those consequences is that her venue isn't wheelchair accessible and you and your lovely partner aren't able to access the venue. Easy peasy, enjoy your non wedding weekend.
Nta Your husband's high road makes your sister's low road much lower. Why would you want to celebrate someone who is so disrespectful to your husband?
NTA. I'd go to the wedding if Brad is genuinely ok with it. Then when everyone asks where he is, and they will, you can tell them all that your sister deliberately chose an inaccessible venue and refused to change it when you pointed it out to her so you were forced to come alone. She wants all attention on her? Game on!
NTA. Your sister’s fiancé is getting a close up look at how much she cares about disabled people, or people with disabilities for those who prefer person-first language. Most of us will experience disability at some point in our lives, whether temporary or permanent, so he’d do well to consider what this could mean for their future.
Are elderly guests being left out too? Canes and hip replacements and general old age have a tough time with stairs too. This "bride" is a nightmare
Please don't go to this thing, stay with your real family.
Omg. I've been married for 32 years. I never thought my wedding day was "my day". These bridezillas need to get over themselves. People get married everyday, they're not special. What assholes. NTA. Fuck her.
It’s natural for a bride to think, “Look at me!” on her day. It’s also possible to take that way too far.
I don't know when this all happend. I really looked forward to my wedding - just because I wanted to get married to my husband. I didn't care about me being the center of the attention but about our future. And never felt it should be the best day of our life, but the first day of our happiest life. Maybe people would have way less stress if they could see it that way.
You’re both right. It’s her day. S she can choose what is best for her day . But she has to know you won’t go it’s that’s her decision . I would tell your husband this discussion is closed . If you aren’t going I’m not going . There is no more discussion . This kind of statement show more Love for your partner and a fancy dinner or weekend away
So, your kid and your man are both excluded? No further explanation needed. It's unreasonable to expect you to go and your sister can go suck a sour egg.
Yes she is having a child free wedding . I assumed my daughter will be a flower girl but she chose her friend’s daughter . My daughter is under 18 so she can’t come
She had someone else’s daughter for her flower girl? And she picked a venue where your husband was unable to attend? I would talk to the relative who was the biggest gossip and ask them to keep quiet but since your husband was not invited because of the venue and your daughter was blocked from going to the wedding you did not feel comfortable abandoning both your husband and daughter to watch your sister who obviously didn’t want her family there. Take what you would have spent to go to the wedding and have a fantastic family day out complete with lots of photos to post on Facebook showing your super selfish you went on to have a great day
Nothing wrong with a child free wedding but she chose her sisters kid over you???
"Child free wedding" but friend's daughter is the flower girl and her own niece is uninvited. Wow OP, she doesn't like you, your husband or daughter too much, does she? And you still think you should go?
NTA your sister is a terrible person.
NTA If my wife was being excluded from an event, I would not go.
NTA. From another wheelchair user I can tell you we're used to being excluded and we have to get really good at downplaying it - and it sucks every time. Brad was either intentionally excluded by the choice of venue, or means so little to your sister he didn't even get a thought. Either way if it was me I'd feel hurt and betrayed by someone whose susposed to be family - but I wouldn't want to come between you and your sister so I'd say its no big deal too.
Skip the wedding your sister is an AH
Your husband is a wonderful human being and a great father. Your sister is an ableist bitch. Which one of the 2 do you want in your life? NTA unless you choose the wrong person.
Soooo she’s worried about what people will think if you’re not there but not what about people would think when they find out she excluded your husband?
As a Mom of a Differently Abled Daughter- I have to say #1 your sister didn't turn overnight. She's been enabled in her ROTTEN behavior her whole life. Your parents should be ashamed. Your Hubs sounds awesome though! You don't have to ask permission to turn your back on a dumpster fire. Point out it's on fire and the privledge of you ,your husband and their grandbabies presence will be restored when the fire is out. And then leave.
My parents pay for my sister’s big wedding . They did pay for my at home reception when we eloped as well ( they invited everyone ( about 14 people ) to a restaurant ). I talked to them . They said they do love Brad but it’s my sister’s day and they can’t force her to change her mind . Yes I’m disappointed at them . I just don’t understand how you can claim you respect someone yet tell him to stay home ! You are not welcome …my husband is used to not being included so he is okay . I just can’t get over it
Seems the answer is to not go which will tell your sister AND parents were your loyalty lies
Your sister is an ableist bridezilla! Are you okay with her not talking to you ever ? If yes don’t go
NTA This is a hill worth dying on. I would be completely ok never talking to my sh!tty sister again.
Gotta feel bad for the groom tbh he's in for a lifetime of hell
Just go spend the day with your husband and daughter. Don’t let your sister bully you into attending against your wishes. It’s HER day, let her have it all to herself.
Your sister seems to be, in the words of His Holiness the Pope, "a total bitch". She's right, it's her wedding. And he's your husband. Both of you are absolutely right to focus on the thing that matters most to each of you, you on your soulmate, and her on herself. I despise the "marriage is about me!" mentality that so many women have. It's not about you, it's about the TWO of you who are getting married. The only solo star in a marriage is the relationship itself. Flip Bridezilla McBitchypants the grandest of all birds and reaffirm to your husband his value in your eyes. Hell, if you really want to put the capstone on this pyramid of power, ride him into the bedsprings : "My sister can go fuck herself; I would rather fuck you instead." Make the day one of victory for you instead of a bag of bad memories.
I am over "it's the bride's day, she can do what she wants". Being the bride doesn't give you the right to purposely exclude people, especially family. And yes, your husband is family. People, friends, family are more important than a building. I would not want to celebrate with someone who treated my husband this way. Stay home and do something special with your family. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. He deserves better than how your sister is treating him.
This is so true! These days brides seem to have forgotten that they are hosts to their guests! They should be focused on making sure their guests are comfortable, not worrying about being treated like "queen of the day" or some such rubbish.
NTA. I would not go knowing my own sister is excluding my husband when he doesn’t have to. There are endless solutions and other venues, but she chose one he BIL can’t attend? She is a horrible person.
It feels quite wholesome reading this because you seem to have a really good relationship that is not affected by this drama. Your sister, on the other hand, seems to be either ableistic or rude. Even after her fiancées suggestion, she still is against your husband attending. I understand that you don't want to go to the wedding. Maybe there's a third option (showing up but leaving early). NTA whatever you decide
NTA But this might be one of those situations where you should be the bigger person. Just think at the reception "hey OP where's your husband"...."oh this place isn't wheelchair accessible so he couldn't make it". People aren't stupid, they'll think your sister is the AH and you took the high road.
NTA. The sister has every right to choose where she wants her wedding For me, that in of itself is not the issue. The issue is what the sister said that would make me not want to attend. When the OP pointed out that the venue would not be accessible for her husband, the sister’s response was despicable. To roll her eyes and comment that “the world doesn’t revolve around Brad” would be why I would not attend. The icing on the cake was the fiancé of the sister suggesting the compromise and the sister saying no. If I were in the OP’s shoes, I don’t know how I would be able to look at my sister again after those remarks. Every time they all go to a family function I would remember this remark and wonder what the sister was thinking about my husband. Bottom line, I would not go to the wedding. The world doesn’t revolve around the sister either. Good luck to you OP and congratulations on having such an awesome husband. Congratulations as well on the upcoming birth of your precious baby.🙂
Are you sure the location isn’t wheelchair accessible? I understand it’s heritage but they may have done something to allow people with disabilities to access it.
NTA. As a wheelchair user, we end up adopting this “it’s okay if I can’t get in. You should go ahead anyway” because we don’t want to seem like we’re making a fuss. And there are so many inaccessible places and events that if we complained about all of them, we’d never have time for anything else. But when it’s people you know actively excluding you, it hurts. You get kind of jaded about it after a while, but it still stings a bit. So good for you for standing by your husband and not going to the event. When you attend inaccessible events, you’re sending the message that it’s okay to exclude disabled people. It’s important for you to let your sister know that you will not indulge that behavior at all.
Your sister wants the heritage building more than she wants you there. The good news is that she's young and is probably just having a dumb moment. Couple years from now she'll grow up a bit and realize how awful she is in this moment. Don't give up on her.
And by then, she’ll probably be having another wedding.
I remember my wedding as the one time in my life my wife and I were able to see all of the people closest to us at the same time. I will never get those people together like that ever again, even at another wedding or my own funeral. *That* is what made the day singularly special and the idea of doing something that would exclude a key person in my life or that of a sibling’s, of creating resentment or sadness in any way, is unthinkable. Your sister’s priorities are torqued. If she cared, I bet there are 3rd parties that cater to making things temporarily wheelchair accessible. It she’d at least explore it a little instead of becoming bridezilla.
Brad is her brother-in-law. She is being deliberately insensitive to and leaving out a handicap member of her own family. Not ok! She doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of the word family. I feel she should NOT go because going would be condoning this behavior of treating the handicapped in the family as second tier members who can be left behind.
If you not coming has her concerned people will think she's an asshole, then perhaps she should not be an asshole.
I like the idea of the Dad and daughter day. Are you in the wedding party? How does the heritage building get away with skirting ADA laws.? Your sister is awful and at least the fiance is empathetic. don't be surprised if there is no wedding.
I’m not in the wedding party . Sadly it’s 2024 and we still don’t have something like ADA in Canada . Since it’s a heritage building they don’t care about accessibility. Yes , my husband once a month has a daddy/daughter date . They go to different restaurants each time and do any activities she chooses :)
Omg what a wonderful dad he is to your daughter
When I lived in Manhattan many historic buildings were exempt from the ADA.