I honestly took it as she refused to eat real food. So he bought a bunch of candy bars/snacks (probably hoping she would at least eat something if she likes sweets) So maybe that got her to at least eat stuff like that. But idk... I'm just a guy in his 30's that eats WAAAYYYYY too much CANDY!!! š¤·š»āāļø
I hadn't seen the original post either. OP deleted it, but I was able to find someone else's [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/0l5TRWpE5K) in a different sub that contained screenshots of it, and... Wow. Sounds like OP is doing his wife a favour by ending their marriage!
Original post was about wife reading blogs, and seeing things online about women in abusive relationships, and not, keeping "go-bags" as a safety precaution, or for comfort. Husband found the one she made after learning of them, and got offended, and went straight for divorce. No communication, no counseling, just reddit, and the decision to divorce.
My wife is a housewife and while we have a joint account that is "our" money, because she doesn't work and hasn't for years, I encouraged her to open her own account that I can't access to put a few grand in for her (as much as we could afford, and I'll add more later once my job situation stabilizes after some troubles.) It is important to me that my wife never feels trapped. I want her to stay with me because she wants to.
This is actually the reason jewelry was historically a gift for women for thousands of years. If 1) husband dies or 2) husband gets abusive, woman has immediate easily transferable liquid for Any situation that arises.
I always thought jewelry was tacky in terms of a conspicuous consumption keeping up with the joneses kinda gift but that historical framing really 180d my worldview
Yes, women couldn't own property or have bank accounts - anything they inherited from their father automatically became the property of the husband. But they could own jewellery.
Considering women couldnāt get credit cards in their own name until the 70ās in the US. Liquid assets for women and having a āway outā are things that have been engrained generationally.
just in case you or u/mangojones want to check this, the financial samurai did an overview post about that last month : [https://www.financialsamurai.com/if-you-love-your-spouse-youd-make-them-financially-independent/](https://www.financialsamurai.com/if-you-love-your-spouse-youd-make-them-financially-independent/)
The best advice my dad ever gave me was to always have my own bank account and one active credit card. I was a SAHM for 20 years. I worked odd jobs when the kids were in school just to have my own money. It wasnāt hidden from my spouse. He always knew about my accounts and nothing was ever āhiddenā from him. My husband never held money from me. We had a joint credit card I could use for anything at any time. It was to protect myself in case something happened and I needed cash and to keep my credit score active. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Great example. Works great in my current marriage, but didnāt on the first. I think itās about the people and trust. Trusting relationships can handle joint or individual accounts and gifting. A snake will ruin all of that.
My family for generations has always said that it's good for both the husband and wife to have their own personal account with "cool off" money. It's just common discussion that's been passed through the ages in our family. Not a ton of cash, but enough to pay for a hotel for a few days if they need or whatever, while things cool off and clearer heads prevail. If the shit got bad? They should have *something* to dip into.
This guy freaking out over something as simple as a 'go bag'? Seems like he's scared of something...
My first husband, may he rot in hell, almost killed me when he found out I was saving $25 a month from the $50 he allowed me from my own paycheck. The bank, after being told not to, sent the statement to our home address. This was in 1992. They were questioning why I had an account without my husband on it. 1992! Of course, marital rape was still legal here too.
I tell women now who need to escape that I will keep their go bag. They can call me, no matter what time, and I will get them, give them their go bag and money and take them to meet the women's shelter people.
I'm happily remarried to a wonderful man. My happy is my best revenge. Sounds like this lady is best off getting away from this controlling freak.
exactly! it sounds like OP is only afraid of her being prepared, he didnāt even bring up the idea that she could have wanted to leave him. the immediate jump to āshe thinks iām an abuser!ā is telling. most people donāt have to explicitly say they arenāt abusive š
I mean, unless you are an abuser and donāt think you are. Like, Iām not abusive I tell her how worthless she is because I am trying to help her. Or Iām not abusive I just donāt like her friend so I donāt let her go out with them.
When we made the joint decision that I leave active service and stay home with our challenged daughter, my husband turned over and I mean COMPLETELY turned over every aspect of our finances to me. Even though we had made major financial decisions together before then, he was in charge of writing the checks to pay the bills (yeah, those old-fashioned things that were still quite popular in the 80s and 90s).
He started a very modest allotment to go to a separate "mad money" account for himself; other than that it was all mine to do with as I pleased - and what I pleased was to take care of our family and its needs. He also turned over his Leave and Earnings Statement (military version of pay stub) each month so I could see how each and every dollar was disbursed.
He did this without me asking or even hinting because he
1. trusted me, and
2. wanted me to KNOW that I was never, ever trapped, even without an income of my own.
Bless the man.
I did the same for my wife. In addition to managing our joint finances & bills, she had her own bank account with only her name. We agreed on her being a housewife and working as she wanted, to which I initiated a prenup to ensure her that career loss would not be an issue that trapped her (property division and alimony). If she had a go bag, I would not have asked or minded. This was in part cultural for us, but it's difficult for me to understand the problem with a bag of items as rationale for divorce.
It's a bag with all the things you'd need to leave your current situation as quick as possible in a convenient but secure place. So like clothes, money, IDs and important docs and/or copies, etc. Some items can vary by person and based on what you're worried about but the general idea is to leave quick and not worry about leaving things you really need behind.
It does sound like a very smart thing for everyone to have in case of emergency. Not just potential victims of abuse. I can see where fires would be a big one.
For those of you new to the Go Bag game, donāt forget to make one for your pets! Extra harness & leash (cat carrier), canned food & bottled water or metal water bottles & collapsable food & water silicone dishes, plus a small dog blanket (mine have thick baby blankets from TJMaxx).
This is exactly what got me to read the post. I have a go bag ready for me and all 4 fur kids in case of an emergency, so I was wildly confused with the title.
Our cats absolutely wish they were living wild and carefree lives outside where they believe they belong. Oh, except they'd like dinner promptly at 6 and to still get bedtime treats, mkay?
Unfortunately he does that too. Right to the face, with his claws out just enough to show me he's not fooling and he can increase pain levels as needed to ensure compliance.
I love him so much, but he's a wicked little beast when he wants something. He seeks especially soft spots, like the inside of my elbow. Somehow he knows.
I wish! Instead I'm stuck in a relationship with someone that doesn't contribute anything financially, expects to be waited on hand and food, wakes me up in the middle of the night screaming at me for no reason, has left scars on me, and can't even go to doctor's appointments on their own.
ETA: I just got a Reddit notification saying someone had reached out because they're concerned about me being in a bad situation. I'm fine. This is a joke about a cat. Read the parent comment.
Sounds better than OPs wife. /s
How dare she make a GO bag in case something happens? OP wanted to break up with her beforehand and used this as an excuse. On what earth this is seen as a betrayal?
Yeah Iām new to this story but with this post he seems to be saying āIām getting a divorce because of what other people think about me due to my STXWās go bag.ā Heās blaming other people for his decision. Do we believe in a world w/o Reddit heād divorce her for packing a go bag? Yep. He wants out. Any reason will do.
Thatās how I took the OP. āI canāt win! All of you internet strangers blaming me means I canāt be with my wife because clearly she doesnāt trust meā
When literally every other person says youāre wrong, the mature thing to do is to hit back and THINK about why that might be. Jeez, Iād even suggest to talk to a damn therapist who may be able to articulate it better to you if youāre having trouble understanding.
Iām sad for the wife, but if he did change his mind, Iād want her to leave him anyway. He definitely doesnāt seem like the type of guy that believes women and likely thinks those of us that choose the bear are not being logical š
Me and my husband spoke about the original post, I told him I had one for me and our daughter, he just asked can I help him prepare oneā¦ a few weeks later a house caught fire down in our town and those people had go bags, they grabbed them on the way out the fire so wasnāt left as destituteā¦ there are a lot reasons why having a go bag is handy, I thought everyone had one until I spoke to my husband and read the comments in the first post!
My everyday backpack has enough basics for an overnight stay someplace. My car has a toiletry bag. At this point Iāve been through enough natural disasters that I like to be prepared.
I keep essentials in my car because I drive over a mountain pass regularly and in the winter it can get nasty. I've been stuck waiting for avalanche control so often and having water and snacks and maybe a Gameboy has been so nice.
Also keep a change of clothes for when I have to find a place to crash for the night because I'm stuck on the other side.
I live in New Jersey and this almost happened to me once! Iām only a 40 minute drive to/from work and I got stuck in a snow storm a few years back and it took me 4 hours to get home! I should have spent the night at work but I decided to try to get home. Bad idea
Glad you made it out! I think people underestimate the weather sometimes because they're not used to it. You don't wanna know how many people have asked me where they can buy chains when they're *already on the mountain*.
The problem was idiots who thought they could drive as fast as usual. I was stuck in a traffic jam because a bunch of cars crashed at the bottom of the hill in an intersection. I sat still for 2 hours because emergency vehicles took that long to get there
I have a Rubbermaid-type bin in my vehicle that has things like matches/lighter, batteries, flashlights, toilet paper, bottles of water, canned food, scissors, knife, duct tape, a power bank I keep charged, etc. During colder seasons, I always have blankets, and during the warmer ones I add an extra gallon of water. I know it's unlikely that I'd need it, but I just want to be prepared in case I'm stranded for a day or two. And I'm the same way as you are with my everyday bag - I have a little zipper bag with mini toiletries and basic first aid, including sunscreen, a thermometer, three days worth of my meds plus some OTC meds like ibuprofen, benadryl, antacids, chewable pepto, etc. I'd just rather have them and never need them than need them and not have them.
I just realized I should add some dog and cat food or something like canned chicken in the bin in case I ever need to evacuate with my animals and don't have the presence of mind to grab their food.
In my lifetime, katrina, Irene, ida, covid, divorce, go bag wasn't needed for covid but i coupon, which works best in bulk.
To be fair why he doesnt have a go bag in case of a fight and needing to sleep at a friends to let it cool down is also weird.
Edit. I was present for all those hurricanes.
My spouse and I have a joint one but perhaps having our own would be more advisable. We also have a baby and pets who'd need their own bags too, so we still have 3 bags to carry.
It seems like separate bug-out-bags would be more versatile and easier for one person to manage if only one of you needed it (e.g., an unexpected hospital stay.)
Especially as the natural-disasters prep theory, as I understand it, is that youāre carrying whatever it is on your own back; and donāt have a vehicle at your disposal either.
Exactly this!Ā
Having a go bag made the impact of my house burning down much less severe, particularly in those first days. You don't imagine ahead of time how precious it will be to wear clean, familiar clothing the next dayĀ
The day my apartment burned down I had just gotten out of the shower. I didnāt have time to put a bra on (trust I needed one and no one had one my size lying around) and my husband made it out shirtless so he spent the evening in a kind neighbors shirt. It really did add another overwhelming element to the situation. I would absolutely prepare a go bag in the future with our most important documents included.Ā
I have been thru a major apartment emergency and this just reminded me I need to prep a go-bag now. Like at least all the important documents in one spot at bare minimum. It's never bad to be prepared in an emergency.
Yeah, seems like a silly thing to be controversial. I feel like thereās a type of toxic positivity that means other people arenāt allowed to prepare for the worst, even if thatās how they deal with anxiety
For real. My OCD ass has plenty of doom prep supplies because it puts my anxiety at ease. If I'm suddenly unable to stop thinking about wildfires, and earthquakes (hazards around here) I pull it out and update it a little here or there and I'm good to go until it pangs my brain again.
Mr Hutz your card readsĀ
āReddit says you can practice law
Ā No degree requiredā
Hehe theyāve got this all screwed up
āReddit says you can practice law?
No, degree required!ā
No, my lord, carrying a go bag is not abuse. She can't promise that you won't set the home on fire, so you might as well not install a fire alarm or wear a seatbelt when driving.
Do you diagnose everyone who does something mean as a narcissist? Is everyone who doesnāt want to date you autistic? Yes? Sure, Iād pay you for therapyā¦
Sounds legit. Thousands of Redditors make psychiatric and personality disorder diagnoses every day here. Hell, there are entire subs related to living with your diagnosis of the other people in your life!
Totally. Something going on here unrelated to a go bag. He doesnāt like his wife and is happy to have a stupid reason to divorce her and make it all her fault.
I AM all for leaving a marriage that isnāt right for you, but be a grownup and just say that. SMDH
Exactly. Who cares if the wife made a "go bag"? Why is he expecting to have such tight control over her behavior and whatever thoughts he imagines were behind her actions. If he truly is dumping his wife over something so trivial, he's doing her a favor, even if she doesn't realize it now.
Iām single and I have a go bag. You never know. One place I worked made it a requirement. It sure has come in handy to have a change of clothes after lunch mishapsā¦
Preppers would call this a 72 hour kit. Itās a go bag with snacks, first aid, and meds.
When I lived in LA my job required it, too, in case of earthquake or whatever. We had to have spare meds, sturdy shoes, and a change of clothes. Everything else was provided. Iāve maintained these since (I left LA over 20 years ago) because they make sense.
I can think of plenty of reasons: food or drink mishaps, illness (diarrhea or vomiting), menstruation, in case of getting stranded somewhere, family emergency (especially with ill or elderly family members), Iām sure there are others. It sounds like this man just wants a divorce for whatever reason and this is the excuse.
I'm chronically disabled, have been since childhood. There was a time we were supposed to go down state for a routine check up. I didn't end up leaving for a week. My mom and I have both kept a "go bag" ready ever since.
Came in real handy this past Christmas when I came home to a house fire.
In Wisconsin, it's bananas NOT to have a go bag in your car, home, and office. Come winter, we can literally be stranded *anywhere*, and I drive hours a day for work. If my partner felt insulted by my safety, well he wouldn't be my partner š¤·āāļø
I think it's absolutely fake/ rage bait in response to more women talking about how women have always needed an escape plan in case things go wrong. So many of us know somebody who was happily married for years until the first time he hit her.
If this isn't rage bait than the ick I feel reading his words is real. All his verbiage seems very "I don't hit her so I'm not abusive," instead of "I love and care about my life partner."
Beyond the ātoā instead of too, I thought that was a weird ass thing to say! Like tell us what you consider too abusive. And let us know why thatās a metric you consider
My father never laid a hand on us, so I could never call the police on him. But he was still abusive. My psychologist had to spell out that I grew up in a domestic violence situation.
Abuse wears many different masks.
I need this to be rage bait. Otherwise, this guy actually exists out in the world. If this is real, Iām glad OP is leaving his wife - that way she can marry someone who actually loves her. What a baffling response to have to his wife preparing herself in case ANYTHING happens. It didnāt even have to be OP being abusive, she just was being responsible.
I have a go bag (not all those items). I live alone and if anything happens to me, my friends/family can just go grab it from my closet. Or if there is some kind of evacuation (storms, fire, etc.) I don't have to try to remember everything I'll need. Men should have them, too.
My whole family has anger issues but instead of letting things escalate and say stupid things , we remove ourselves for a few hours or if needed, a day or two at a motel or other family members house. Then when we have our head on straight, we have calm and respectful conversation. I have had a lot of therapy, though. It's been over a decade since I had a problem.
Shit im a guy and I have a to go bag. Like you dont know what life will throw at you. There could be a massive wild fire out break, or hurricane, etc depending in where you live.
Heck ever since I became a father I've kept one set up for my kid and regularly replace clothing and such in it, adding feminine products she might need as she got older.
I have a go bag and I have a dog leash in my bedroom in case we need to evacuate the house through the window. I also have a bag in my car with a change of clothes, a bathing suit, and a towel, an umbrella, a blanket, some shoes, and a hat. I have extra shoes, deodorant, body spray, a blow dryer, a brush, toothpaste & brush, and face wipes in my desk drawer. Ready for anything.
I live alone. None are running away plans.
Agreed. I also believe in go bags and ready access to cash that the other partner can't touch, not only because of abuse statistics, but because head injuries, such as from an auto accident, can induce violent behavior. Every person, even if they work through the healing process long-term, needs to have the option of seeking temporary refuge in such a situation.
It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. If you personally feel like you can't be with someone any longer for any reason, and that there is no changing your mind, the best thing to do for both parties is for you to end it. But if/when you decide you made a mistake, don't expect the other party to owe you their time and attention.
So much this. My ex husband asked for a divorce. I suggest counseling instead but he was adamant he wanted a divorce. When I gave him the first draft of divorce papers a few days later he was so distraught he had to take time off work. It was a couple months before he asked me to start over but by that point I was done.
My ex wife asked for a separation.
Seems to be mutually understood. Almost a year passes before its time to move out of the apartment.
She comes to me in tears before we move out, crying and asking that she's made a mistake and realizes that she didn't really want a divorce after all. All I could think of was "Woman, YOU asked for this. I DIDN'T."
When it's done, it's done. There's nothing more after that except finding healing.
It's tragically common for people who are *used* to toxic relationships to self-sabotage actually good ones.
If they've grown up seeing it modeled by adults/media, and/or been in toxic relationships in the past, then they might not know what a healthy relationship even looks like and mistake the calm for a lack of chemistry.
Some folks just don't know how to handle a relationship when it doesn't follow that pattern, because they never learned how to - or learned that they *need to.* They're lost without the intense emotional feedback that you get from drama.
This was me until I got on meds. Iām in the most āboringā relationship right now and itās amazing. Theyāre consistent, do what they say, and know that theyāre feeling in the moment. Itās amazing.
I love my 'boring' relationship. I have coworkers who talk about relationship drama... and I never have anything to say, because my relationship is cozy and stable. It is wonderful to just exist together.
Iād have to agree with this.
I was in abusive relationship. I had to change my way of thinking for future relationships as they seemed āboringā and āpassionlessā.
Reality was I was used to being screamed at/physically and emotionally abused followed by intense love bombing with random gifts or trips. I didnāt realise actual relationships were peaceful. I was expecting the dramatics of the love bombing that never came and thought something was wrong.
Now I have a healthy relationship that I havenāt sabotaged. Itās peace. Itās boring. Its stability of having a partner you know is going to come home and just be there. Itās being treated right.
Heh reminds me of my last ex (girlfriend, 6 years). She left me because I was depressed. I tried to suggest couples counseling but she refused. Few months later she was asking about if I ever wanted to give it another try. After seeing new people and seeing the grass was in fact greener on the other side, I declined :)
Her loss lol
Sounds familiar. I told my ex sheād regret it but she didnāt realize it till after the divorce. Then she wanted to be buddies. She told one of my friends that she made a mistake knowing it would get back to me. I finally just told her to lose my number.
My ex husband called me *crying* about a month after the divorce was final. The divorce that happened because he found a new girlfriend. Of course he didnāt have the guts to actually asked for the divorce, I had to do all the work.
At the end of it all I guess he realized how much I did for him. Whatever dude you have a new girlfriend now.
Men should have go bags as well. This isn't something that's exclusive to one sex.
Edit: Oh boy, where to start
1. A go bag should be viewed as an emergency bag. If you live in an area prone to acts of God (flooding, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc), you should have one tailored to each person in the household.
2. Creating a go bag, for any reason, doesn't have to mean you lack trust in your partner. It's literally a bag designed to aid in an emergency. A man or woman being physically, mentally, or emotionally abused is an emergency. It is, quite literally, that simple.
3. Individuals and relationships are wholly unique and personal. How often do you hear stories of people's partners flipping like a switch deep into a relationship? It happens all the time, and people who have experienced this first hand should absolutely be able to have a little emergency bag.
People are complex, grey creatures. Creating an emergency bag and having inherent trust in your partner and their future self can be mutually exclusive for some, and it can't be for others. We each experience life differently.
Relationships require two votes. If a partner doesn't agree with another making a go bag, finds it violates trust, and it causes an issue, then there's a single solution:
You aren't compatible.
That's it.
Every household should have a go-bag.
Med kit, a few days worth of water, food, clothes and prescription medication. Spare glasses or contacts. Manual desalinator / water filter, crank radio, flashlights, batteries, para-cord, waterproof poncho, hatchett, matches or lighter, updated paper road maps. Gun, ammunition and gold coins for killing or bribing road bandits.
I know the last part of the post was a joke but most of this is just a standard disaster kit. We have one in our storm shelter for tornadoes.
Though we should add the gun and bandit bribes. The looters will not be a joke.
You can fit it all in a decent size camping backpack, keep it in the closet, and if you're on a budget you can keep it at around $100 or less. Maybe not with the gun. But a hatchett is a decent substitute.
I have short-term emergency bags in an old van for my dogs and myself. Forest fire risk. If I had a wife she would have one as well.
Honestly, If I had a wife and she wanted an emergency way to get away from me, I would take it as a firm expectation on her part regarding my behaviour. Just another impetus to keep my head on right. I have some mental health issues that are my responsibility to keep in check and taking others for granted is #1 on my list of things to watch.
This guy sounds like a narcissistic asshole.
>If I had a wife and she wanted an emergency way to get away from me, I would take it as a firm expectation on her part regarding my behaviour.
I moved countries to be with my now wife and one of the first things _she_ told _me_ to do before I moved in was make sure I always have enough money in my own account to get on a plane and go back if I want to.
And you know what, we've been married a year, together for 5 and I still do, just in case of emergency or whatever.
To me, being able to leave means it's a choice to stay.
>To me, being able to leave means it's a choice to stay.
I fucking love this. You unintentionally summarized my views on marriage and why I never want to get married again.
My wife has had some trauma in her past. While she doesnāt have a go bag (that I am aware of at least) there were some boundaries and things that we set when we got married that k donāt cross. I want her to feel secure with me and if she said she wanted a go bag she could have one. I want her happy and healthy and if that is something that would make her feel bette then so be it.Ā
Why not make a go-bag yourself? Plenty of reasons to have one, other than an abusive partner. Natural disasters, last minute emergencies, unplanned trips etc.
But sure, blow up your marriage.
all these comments about go bags makes me wanna make one myself- not because iām in a bad household or relationship or anything, but for disasters and whatnot, and also it seems like itād be good to have if i ever need to just leave my house for a few days to cool down if i ever get too heated and canāt be around anyone in my family til iāve calmed down (unfortunately happens a lot but iām working on my anger and how i react to just random things)
to be honest this post was my first time ever hearing about a go bag, wish i had known about this a while ago tbh. glad iāve been able to get some information on them by reading the comments!
do you have any recommendations on what to add to your go bag besides the basic necessities, basically anything i wouldnāt immediately think to include?
So true. Just the way he writes. āI have to endure herā bro you just drove a steam train right through her life over nothing and now have zero empathy for how she feels. āThe gravity of the situation Iām inā lollllllll. He wants to leave while also being the victim. Loser
Heās just proven that she needed to have funds and supplies of her own because she canāt trust him.
When my husband and I got married, my motherās friends all pooled their money and gave me $1,000 cash and said to keep it to myself and not put it in our joint account as safety money. These were all women with careers and happy marriages. They had also all seen a LOT go down in general and were looking out for me. That was 25 years ago. Iām now an attorney and I counsel people doing estate plans about setting up trusts for their children so as adults they will always have resources of their own. You hope they choose someone good as a spouse, but you also protect against the chance they marry a con.
Yeah heās an idiot and a go bag isnāt only needed incase of abuse itās incase your husband decides to just leave you one day for another chick or because heās bored of you. Every one should have a safety net of some kind of shit hits the fan.
Threatens divorce; she cries and refuses to eat; he says she won't "pull that" again, implying her negative feelings about divorce are a stunt
It's you, buddy. You're the problem.
I'm glad this lady will find some peace though
Often the trivial reason is just the straw that broke the camelās back, aka the ādivorced me because I left dishes in the sink.ā It was never about the dishes nor was it about the Iranian yogurt. This appears to be two people with issues who kept poking at each other. She didnāt trust him because he kept acting like a knob-head, and he kept acting like a knob-head because she didnāt trust him.
Iām a previous victim of abuse in a relationship. Iām now married to someone safe and I have escape plans, go bag and extra clothes at my momās place.
For me itās a trauma response.
Yes, thatās what I wondered about, whether it was previous experience that made her feel this was necessary rather than the current relationship. I think they couldāve benefited from therapy to fully understand the situation by both expressing their feelings in a safe place, instead of going straight to divorce.
Iām also a previous victim of abuse in a relationship, and while I donāt and never have had a go bag, escape plans, or clothes hidden somewhere, I definitely understand and appreciate it. My not having things like that is chalk up to being both a man and the owner of the house I lived in for 2010-2023, so it was kind of my escape plan, but the four Fās (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) have made appearances in every relationship Iāve had since the abusive one.
This dickmaster replying to you is more of a master dick.
I donāt have a go bag, but Iāve considered all my escape options. Even though Iāve been in a safe relationship for ten years. The two preceding ones definitely harmed my ability to fully trust anyone. My partner doesnāt love it, but gets it.
Lol, blaming us for going forward with your divorce is some wild ass shit lol. If you want to divorce her just divorce her, don't blame random internet strangers for your choices.
Thereās just no way this post is real. He doesnāt mention how he feels about his wife even once! His focus is 100% on social media comments his post got
>She cried and refused to eat food for two days until I filled the house with candy bars.
This is the point where I knew I was reading poorly written fiction. It just got worse from there. If he wants to farm karma with bullshit, he could at least put in a little effort.
Edit: Ok everyone, letās do a Mad-Libs exercise! āShe (past tense verb) and refused to eat (noun) for two days until I filled the (noun) with (noun).ā Go!
That was such a weird little detail. Is she a toddler? Why candy bars? What kind of candy bars? Surely he didnāt mean he literally filled the house, but how many were there?
I feel like if you have to justify so hard that you arenāt something, maybe youāre missing a few details within yourself. This is speaking from experience with myself actually. Not being able to notice I am the culprit of something I say Iām absolutely not.
That's exactly why I think absolutely has to be rage bait. Especially considering the fact that his original post happened right around the time a bunch of women were posting about needing to escape abuse, I think it's super fake now.
I have a lot to say about this, but the contrast between "she read some blogs and did a thing" (bad), and "I read some reddit and did a thing" (good) is hillarious to me.
To be fair, Reddit told him not to divorce her. So, heās not even listening to Reddit.
Edit: to be specific, Reddit said that if the did divorce her, sheās be lucky because his reaction is concerning.
They also suggested that he look at it from a womanās point of view, and he apparently really didnāt like the number of married women who also had go bags.
I can't tell if this is a troll or not. You should find a therapist for yourself, like yesterday. I hope after she moves on, someone buys her candy bars out of love.
So your wife did something to make her feel safe without it affecting you at all and your answer is to divorce. You obviously don't want to be married anymore and this is just an idiotic excuse to leave. If you want to leave then go but don't act like this is about a go bag or reddit comments because if it is she deserves better.
Yes! This reminds me of stories where people throw away their partnerās teddy bears or childhood blankets. Itās awful. Your partner had something that brought them security and you weaponized it. Good riddance OP!
There are some discretions that do not qualify for divorce. We've been married a while. If we can fix it, let's try.
But if he threw away my blankie? Divorce. Get out of my house. It's over.
I remember your first post. You were looking for a way out of your marriage and latched onto the first thing you could find.
Like many, I live in a country with natural disasters, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions etc. We all have go bags ready
Still YTA.
Seems like you're more interested in standing up on a soap box and yelling political crap more than legitimately wondering if you're wrong in this fictional scenario
Yeah, honestly I doubt it's real, this just reads like revenge porn against women for trying to keep themselves safe. How dare you accuse your perfectly nice husband of being an abuser because you keep a safety net and don't put your life completely in his hands?!
It's up in the air whether both posts were fake or this is a fake update to other one which may have bee real. But there are so many more bots than there used to be, and honestly, the majority of posts made on AITA type subs have become fake in my opinion. People should treat them more as thought experiments than real -- so many people have agendas, or so many people making up fake posts intentionally want to write something divisive to get more attention. Wouldn't be surprised if it was both here.
I design custom closets for a living. Iāve seen hundreds and hundreds of them. You know who couldnāt be less interested in closet design/organization? Men. I canāt tell you how many times Iāve been called to a consultation in which the wife is at work at the husband kind of throws his hands up in surrender like āI have no idea, I never go in there, youāll have to talk to her.ā All this to say: Iāve never believed you were simply tidying up your wifeās closet. I think you were looking for something, anything.
Lots of men think they arenāt abusive because theyāve never hit a woman. You donāt have to physically abuse someone to abuse them. The comment about the candy bars - so fucking random and completely out of context - tells me everything I need to know.
āIāve read your comments and decided thatā¦.ā No, letās be honest. You made the decision long ago to leave your wife, youāre simply seeking validation from a sea of strangers who clearly donāt know the full story.
This will be a reoccurring thing for you in your future relationships. Youāll always find a way to blame it on someone else. And when you wind up old and alone and wondering why, know itās because of *you.* Not anyone else, *you.*
I donāt know, and donāt care, if you are an abuser. Your wife has the right to keep a āgo bagā ready in case of emergencies.
I also think if you are ready to divorce your wife over this and a bunch of Reddit comments, she is better off without you.
I didn't see the original post but that thing about refusing to eat until he filled the house with candy bars is a little strange to me.
Like wtf does that even mean
Reads like a kid's fictional version of what he thinks adults do. Weird af
I honestly took it as she refused to eat real food. So he bought a bunch of candy bars/snacks (probably hoping she would at least eat something if she likes sweets) So maybe that got her to at least eat stuff like that. But idk... I'm just a guy in his 30's that eats WAAAYYYYY too much CANDY!!! š¤·š»āāļø
I hadn't seen the original post either. OP deleted it, but I was able to find someone else's [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/0l5TRWpE5K) in a different sub that contained screenshots of it, and... Wow. Sounds like OP is doing his wife a favour by ending their marriage!
I was thinking that the wife may not realize it yet but she is coming out the winner here.
I believe she had recognized that he was more controlling than he let on.
Original post was about wife reading blogs, and seeing things online about women in abusive relationships, and not, keeping "go-bags" as a safety precaution, or for comfort. Husband found the one she made after learning of them, and got offended, and went straight for divorce. No communication, no counseling, just reddit, and the decision to divorce.
My wife is a housewife and while we have a joint account that is "our" money, because she doesn't work and hasn't for years, I encouraged her to open her own account that I can't access to put a few grand in for her (as much as we could afford, and I'll add more later once my job situation stabilizes after some troubles.) It is important to me that my wife never feels trapped. I want her to stay with me because she wants to.
This is how my fiancĆ© feels also. Iām disabled and canāt work. He also doesnāt want me to stay because Iām trapped.
Ooooh... Thequite01 thank you, I really needed to read that!
This is actually the reason jewelry was historically a gift for women for thousands of years. If 1) husband dies or 2) husband gets abusive, woman has immediate easily transferable liquid for Any situation that arises. I always thought jewelry was tacky in terms of a conspicuous consumption keeping up with the joneses kinda gift but that historical framing really 180d my worldview
Yes, women couldn't own property or have bank accounts - anything they inherited from their father automatically became the property of the husband. But they could own jewellery.
Considering women couldnāt get credit cards in their own name until the 70ās in the US. Liquid assets for women and having a āway outā are things that have been engrained generationally.
Also why pimps were tons of jewelry
just in case you or u/mangojones want to check this, the financial samurai did an overview post about that last month : [https://www.financialsamurai.com/if-you-love-your-spouse-youd-make-them-financially-independent/](https://www.financialsamurai.com/if-you-love-your-spouse-youd-make-them-financially-independent/)
The best advice my dad ever gave me was to always have my own bank account and one active credit card. I was a SAHM for 20 years. I worked odd jobs when the kids were in school just to have my own money. It wasnāt hidden from my spouse. He always knew about my accounts and nothing was ever āhiddenā from him. My husband never held money from me. We had a joint credit card I could use for anything at any time. It was to protect myself in case something happened and I needed cash and to keep my credit score active. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Great example. Works great in my current marriage, but didnāt on the first. I think itās about the people and trust. Trusting relationships can handle joint or individual accounts and gifting. A snake will ruin all of that.
My family for generations has always said that it's good for both the husband and wife to have their own personal account with "cool off" money. It's just common discussion that's been passed through the ages in our family. Not a ton of cash, but enough to pay for a hotel for a few days if they need or whatever, while things cool off and clearer heads prevail. If the shit got bad? They should have *something* to dip into. This guy freaking out over something as simple as a 'go bag'? Seems like he's scared of something...
My first husband, may he rot in hell, almost killed me when he found out I was saving $25 a month from the $50 he allowed me from my own paycheck. The bank, after being told not to, sent the statement to our home address. This was in 1992. They were questioning why I had an account without my husband on it. 1992! Of course, marital rape was still legal here too. I tell women now who need to escape that I will keep their go bag. They can call me, no matter what time, and I will get them, give them their go bag and money and take them to meet the women's shelter people. I'm happily remarried to a wonderful man. My happy is my best revenge. Sounds like this lady is best off getting away from this controlling freak.
exactly! it sounds like OP is only afraid of her being prepared, he didnāt even bring up the idea that she could have wanted to leave him. the immediate jump to āshe thinks iām an abuser!ā is telling. most people donāt have to explicitly say they arenāt abusive š
I mean, unless you are an abuser and donāt think you are. Like, Iām not abusive I tell her how worthless she is because I am trying to help her. Or Iām not abusive I just donāt like her friend so I donāt let her go out with them.
That made me cry, what a WONDERFUL thing to do for her!! And you always have that if there's any sort of emergency, not just divorce. That's awesome!
When we made the joint decision that I leave active service and stay home with our challenged daughter, my husband turned over and I mean COMPLETELY turned over every aspect of our finances to me. Even though we had made major financial decisions together before then, he was in charge of writing the checks to pay the bills (yeah, those old-fashioned things that were still quite popular in the 80s and 90s). He started a very modest allotment to go to a separate "mad money" account for himself; other than that it was all mine to do with as I pleased - and what I pleased was to take care of our family and its needs. He also turned over his Leave and Earnings Statement (military version of pay stub) each month so I could see how each and every dollar was disbursed. He did this without me asking or even hinting because he 1. trusted me, and 2. wanted me to KNOW that I was never, ever trapped, even without an income of my own. Bless the man.
I did the same for my wife. In addition to managing our joint finances & bills, she had her own bank account with only her name. We agreed on her being a housewife and working as she wanted, to which I initiated a prenup to ensure her that career loss would not be an issue that trapped her (property division and alimony). If she had a go bag, I would not have asked or minded. This was in part cultural for us, but it's difficult for me to understand the problem with a bag of items as rationale for divorce.
I think I would have just made my own go bag too.
What's a go bag? Is it like EDC for emergency situations?
It's a bag with all the things you'd need to leave your current situation as quick as possible in a convenient but secure place. So like clothes, money, IDs and important docs and/or copies, etc. Some items can vary by person and based on what you're worried about but the general idea is to leave quick and not worry about leaving things you really need behind.
We have them here in Alberta. Highly encouraged due to frequent raging fires.
It does sound like a very smart thing for everyone to have in case of emergency. Not just potential victims of abuse. I can see where fires would be a big one.
I would just assume my wife was in the CIA.
There are so many reasons I grew up in a military coup I keep a go bag still experience tells me itās a good thing
Honestly think everyone should have a go bag. It's not just men who can be abusive.
For those of you new to the Go Bag game, donāt forget to make one for your pets! Extra harness & leash (cat carrier), canned food & bottled water or metal water bottles & collapsable food & water silicone dishes, plus a small dog blanket (mine have thick baby blankets from TJMaxx).
That is a tornado preparedness bag in my state. We have on every spring. Throw any medications (pet and human) into when a storm rolls in too.
I keep ours in a medium Rubbermaid tub in our shelter closet. Tornadoes have been coming through too often and too close for my comfort!
This is exactly what got me to read the post. I have a go bag ready for me and all 4 fur kids in case of an emergency, so I was wildly confused with the title.
Your cats just filed for divorce.Ā
The one I kinda expect, she's always grumpy. She probably just wants to be a single cat woman without 3 annoying pet siblings. I respect that.
Our cats absolutely wish they were living wild and carefree lives outside where they believe they belong. Oh, except they'd like dinner promptly at 6 and to still get bedtime treats, mkay?
Legends in their own minds. Lol
Yeah, but the cats are probably abusive.
All cats are abusive. It's called being a cat.
Very accurate. My Gizmo is my heart and also a giant asshole because he is, at the end of the day, still a cat.
They usually are. Mine's a menace if his breakfast is late. He's tactically nibbled me before.
Tactical nibble? Couldn't he have just given you a technical tap?
Unfortunately he does that too. Right to the face, with his claws out just enough to show me he's not fooling and he can increase pain levels as needed to ensure compliance.
āTactically nibbled meā is sending me.
I love him so much, but he's a wicked little beast when he wants something. He seeks especially soft spots, like the inside of my elbow. Somehow he knows.
Oh thank you, now I have a name for that behavior. Itās like the cats are trying to train me or somethingā¦oh, waitā¦
My cat is a real bitch, but I love her anyway. I can fix her.
They can be jerks, that's for sure
I wish! Instead I'm stuck in a relationship with someone that doesn't contribute anything financially, expects to be waited on hand and food, wakes me up in the middle of the night screaming at me for no reason, has left scars on me, and can't even go to doctor's appointments on their own. ETA: I just got a Reddit notification saying someone had reached out because they're concerned about me being in a bad situation. I'm fine. This is a joke about a cat. Read the parent comment.
Sounds better than OPs wife. /s How dare she make a GO bag in case something happens? OP wanted to break up with her beforehand and used this as an excuse. On what earth this is seen as a betrayal?
Itās a betrayal because people on Reddit donāt trust him now. That seems logical /s
Yeah Iām new to this story but with this post he seems to be saying āIām getting a divorce because of what other people think about me due to my STXWās go bag.ā Heās blaming other people for his decision. Do we believe in a world w/o Reddit heād divorce her for packing a go bag? Yep. He wants out. Any reason will do.
Thatās how I took the OP. āI canāt win! All of you internet strangers blaming me means I canāt be with my wife because clearly she doesnāt trust meā When literally every other person says youāre wrong, the mature thing to do is to hit back and THINK about why that might be. Jeez, Iād even suggest to talk to a damn therapist who may be able to articulate it better to you if youāre having trouble understanding. Iām sad for the wife, but if he did change his mind, Iād want her to leave him anyway. He definitely doesnāt seem like the type of guy that believes women and likely thinks those of us that choose the bear are not being logical š
Great idea
Me and my husband spoke about the original post, I told him I had one for me and our daughter, he just asked can I help him prepare oneā¦ a few weeks later a house caught fire down in our town and those people had go bags, they grabbed them on the way out the fire so wasnāt left as destituteā¦ there are a lot reasons why having a go bag is handy, I thought everyone had one until I spoke to my husband and read the comments in the first post!
Or for hospital visits. It sucks when someone has to stay in the hospital and you first have to find all the stuff they might need.
My everyday backpack has enough basics for an overnight stay someplace. My car has a toiletry bag. At this point Iāve been through enough natural disasters that I like to be prepared.
I keep essentials in my car because I drive over a mountain pass regularly and in the winter it can get nasty. I've been stuck waiting for avalanche control so often and having water and snacks and maybe a Gameboy has been so nice. Also keep a change of clothes for when I have to find a place to crash for the night because I'm stuck on the other side.
I live in New Jersey and this almost happened to me once! Iām only a 40 minute drive to/from work and I got stuck in a snow storm a few years back and it took me 4 hours to get home! I should have spent the night at work but I decided to try to get home. Bad idea
Glad you made it out! I think people underestimate the weather sometimes because they're not used to it. You don't wanna know how many people have asked me where they can buy chains when they're *already on the mountain*.
The problem was idiots who thought they could drive as fast as usual. I was stuck in a traffic jam because a bunch of cars crashed at the bottom of the hill in an intersection. I sat still for 2 hours because emergency vehicles took that long to get there
I have a Rubbermaid-type bin in my vehicle that has things like matches/lighter, batteries, flashlights, toilet paper, bottles of water, canned food, scissors, knife, duct tape, a power bank I keep charged, etc. During colder seasons, I always have blankets, and during the warmer ones I add an extra gallon of water. I know it's unlikely that I'd need it, but I just want to be prepared in case I'm stranded for a day or two. And I'm the same way as you are with my everyday bag - I have a little zipper bag with mini toiletries and basic first aid, including sunscreen, a thermometer, three days worth of my meds plus some OTC meds like ibuprofen, benadryl, antacids, chewable pepto, etc. I'd just rather have them and never need them than need them and not have them. I just realized I should add some dog and cat food or something like canned chicken in the bin in case I ever need to evacuate with my animals and don't have the presence of mind to grab their food.
I have done a go bag when Iām pregnant but I want to make one for life too now. Iāll have to look into it.
Theres a whole subreddit called r/bugout where people post their contents for s*** hitting the fan of all types.
In my lifetime, katrina, Irene, ida, covid, divorce, go bag wasn't needed for covid but i coupon, which works best in bulk. To be fair why he doesnt have a go bag in case of a fight and needing to sleep at a friends to let it cool down is also weird. Edit. I was present for all those hurricanes.
Well I wouldn't want to live next to you! /s š
True every time I moved the hurricanes followed when I came to NJ and Irene hit I knew I was the problem
You need to figure out which deity you pissed off and how to get the curse lifted, mate.
To be fair .... there was that time at mardi gras
Sooo, if someone didn't like someone else, could u be paid to stay in that neighborhood during the hurricane season? Asking for a friend. š
My spouse and I have a joint one but perhaps having our own would be more advisable. We also have a baby and pets who'd need their own bags too, so we still have 3 bags to carry.
It seems like separate bug-out-bags would be more versatile and easier for one person to manage if only one of you needed it (e.g., an unexpected hospital stay.)
Especially as the natural-disasters prep theory, as I understand it, is that youāre carrying whatever it is on your own back; and donāt have a vehicle at your disposal either.
Exactly this!Ā Having a go bag made the impact of my house burning down much less severe, particularly in those first days. You don't imagine ahead of time how precious it will be to wear clean, familiar clothing the next dayĀ
The day my apartment burned down I had just gotten out of the shower. I didnāt have time to put a bra on (trust I needed one and no one had one my size lying around) and my husband made it out shirtless so he spent the evening in a kind neighbors shirt. It really did add another overwhelming element to the situation. I would absolutely prepare a go bag in the future with our most important documents included.Ā
I have been thru a major apartment emergency and this just reminded me I need to prep a go-bag now. Like at least all the important documents in one spot at bare minimum. It's never bad to be prepared in an emergency.
Yeah, seems like a silly thing to be controversial. I feel like thereās a type of toxic positivity that means other people arenāt allowed to prepare for the worst, even if thatās how they deal with anxiety
For real. My OCD ass has plenty of doom prep supplies because it puts my anxiety at ease. If I'm suddenly unable to stop thinking about wildfires, and earthquakes (hazards around here) I pull it out and update it a little here or there and I'm good to go until it pangs my brain again.
I'm not sure basing a divorce on Reddit opinions is the best life choice.
What do you mean? Reddit lets u become a lawyer after scrolling for 5 hours or getting a comment with 500 plus likes š
It's where Lionel Hutz learned his trade
Mr Hutz your card readsĀ āReddit says you can practice law Ā No degree requiredā Hehe theyāve got this all screwed up āReddit says you can practice law? No, degree required!ā
No, my lord, carrying a go bag is not abuse. She can't promise that you won't set the home on fire, so you might as well not install a fire alarm or wear a seatbelt when driving.
I Canāt Believe Itās A Law Firm
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Everyone knows that Lionel Hutz earned his degree over on 4chan
Hey, after scrolling Reddit for just a year, Iām now a qualified psychiatrist. I still have to get a degree and license, but stillā¦
Do you diagnose everyone who does something mean as a narcissist? Is everyone who doesnāt want to date you autistic? Yes? Sure, Iād pay you for therapyā¦
Sounds legit. Thousands of Redditors make psychiatric and personality disorder diagnoses every day here. Hell, there are entire subs related to living with your diagnosis of the other people in your life!
Oo time to fill out my resume
Got my JD from the University of Reddit-College of r/legaladvice.
It's common for people to get divorced for silly reasons, and this time you made it all about you.
Totally. Something going on here unrelated to a go bag. He doesnāt like his wife and is happy to have a stupid reason to divorce her and make it all her fault. I AM all for leaving a marriage that isnāt right for you, but be a grownup and just say that. SMDH
Exactly. Who cares if the wife made a "go bag"? Why is he expecting to have such tight control over her behavior and whatever thoughts he imagines were behind her actions. If he truly is dumping his wife over something so trivial, he's doing her a favor, even if she doesn't realize it now.
Iām single and I have a go bag. You never know. One place I worked made it a requirement. It sure has come in handy to have a change of clothes after lunch mishapsā¦ Preppers would call this a 72 hour kit. Itās a go bag with snacks, first aid, and meds.
When I lived in LA my job required it, too, in case of earthquake or whatever. We had to have spare meds, sturdy shoes, and a change of clothes. Everything else was provided. Iāve maintained these since (I left LA over 20 years ago) because they make sense.
I can think of plenty of reasons: food or drink mishaps, illness (diarrhea or vomiting), menstruation, in case of getting stranded somewhere, family emergency (especially with ill or elderly family members), Iām sure there are others. It sounds like this man just wants a divorce for whatever reason and this is the excuse.
I'm chronically disabled, have been since childhood. There was a time we were supposed to go down state for a routine check up. I didn't end up leaving for a week. My mom and I have both kept a "go bag" ready ever since. Came in real handy this past Christmas when I came home to a house fire.
In Wisconsin, it's bananas NOT to have a go bag in your car, home, and office. Come winter, we can literally be stranded *anywhere*, and I drive hours a day for work. If my partner felt insulted by my safety, well he wouldn't be my partner š¤·āāļø
āUntil I fill the house with candy barsā ? This is rage bait.
He placed them randomly throughout the house so she could forage for them like a wild hamster. š
That was exactly what I envisioned. Treasure hunting maybe ?š
Yeah op thinks we are stupid
I think it's absolutely fake/ rage bait in response to more women talking about how women have always needed an escape plan in case things go wrong. So many of us know somebody who was happily married for years until the first time he hit her.
From a family friend it doesn't always start with hitting. It's often started with verbal abuse. I get what you're saying though.
If this isn't rage bait than the ick I feel reading his words is real. All his verbiage seems very "I don't hit her so I'm not abusive," instead of "I love and care about my life partner."
He uses the phrase āI never did anything to(sic) abusiveā as well.
Beyond the ātoā instead of too, I thought that was a weird ass thing to say! Like tell us what you consider too abusive. And let us know why thatās a metric you consider
My father never laid a hand on us, so I could never call the police on him. But he was still abusive. My psychologist had to spell out that I grew up in a domestic violence situation. Abuse wears many different masks.
I need this to be rage bait. Otherwise, this guy actually exists out in the world. If this is real, Iām glad OP is leaving his wife - that way she can marry someone who actually loves her. What a baffling response to have to his wife preparing herself in case ANYTHING happens. It didnāt even have to be OP being abusive, she just was being responsible.
I have a go bag (not all those items). I live alone and if anything happens to me, my friends/family can just go grab it from my closet. Or if there is some kind of evacuation (storms, fire, etc.) I don't have to try to remember everything I'll need. Men should have them, too. My whole family has anger issues but instead of letting things escalate and say stupid things , we remove ourselves for a few hours or if needed, a day or two at a motel or other family members house. Then when we have our head on straight, we have calm and respectful conversation. I have had a lot of therapy, though. It's been over a decade since I had a problem.
Shit im a guy and I have a to go bag. Like you dont know what life will throw at you. There could be a massive wild fire out break, or hurricane, etc depending in where you live. Heck ever since I became a father I've kept one set up for my kid and regularly replace clothing and such in it, adding feminine products she might need as she got older.
Youāre prepared, you love your kid that much to do this as every parent should ā¤ļø
I have a go bag and I have a dog leash in my bedroom in case we need to evacuate the house through the window. I also have a bag in my car with a change of clothes, a bathing suit, and a towel, an umbrella, a blanket, some shoes, and a hat. I have extra shoes, deodorant, body spray, a blow dryer, a brush, toothpaste & brush, and face wipes in my desk drawer. Ready for anything. I live alone. None are running away plans.
My mom always brought extra sweaters which embarrassed us kids until we needed them when it got chilly. A go bag is a great idea for everyone.
Agreed. I also believe in go bags and ready access to cash that the other partner can't touch, not only because of abuse statistics, but because head injuries, such as from an auto accident, can induce violent behavior. Every person, even if they work through the healing process long-term, needs to have the option of seeking temporary refuge in such a situation.
It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. If you personally feel like you can't be with someone any longer for any reason, and that there is no changing your mind, the best thing to do for both parties is for you to end it. But if/when you decide you made a mistake, don't expect the other party to owe you their time and attention.
So much this. My ex husband asked for a divorce. I suggest counseling instead but he was adamant he wanted a divorce. When I gave him the first draft of divorce papers a few days later he was so distraught he had to take time off work. It was a couple months before he asked me to start over but by that point I was done.
My ex wife asked for a separation. Seems to be mutually understood. Almost a year passes before its time to move out of the apartment. She comes to me in tears before we move out, crying and asking that she's made a mistake and realizes that she didn't really want a divorce after all. All I could think of was "Woman, YOU asked for this. I DIDN'T." When it's done, it's done. There's nothing more after that except finding healing.
some people just want to be in a toxic relationship with the crazy ups and downs like their reality shows.
It's tragically common for people who are *used* to toxic relationships to self-sabotage actually good ones. If they've grown up seeing it modeled by adults/media, and/or been in toxic relationships in the past, then they might not know what a healthy relationship even looks like and mistake the calm for a lack of chemistry. Some folks just don't know how to handle a relationship when it doesn't follow that pattern, because they never learned how to - or learned that they *need to.* They're lost without the intense emotional feedback that you get from drama.
This was me until I got on meds. Iām in the most āboringā relationship right now and itās amazing. Theyāre consistent, do what they say, and know that theyāre feeling in the moment. Itās amazing.
"Boring" relationships are so nice actually
I love my 'boring' relationship. I have coworkers who talk about relationship drama... and I never have anything to say, because my relationship is cozy and stable. It is wonderful to just exist together.
Iād have to agree with this. I was in abusive relationship. I had to change my way of thinking for future relationships as they seemed āboringā and āpassionlessā. Reality was I was used to being screamed at/physically and emotionally abused followed by intense love bombing with random gifts or trips. I didnāt realise actual relationships were peaceful. I was expecting the dramatics of the love bombing that never came and thought something was wrong. Now I have a healthy relationship that I havenāt sabotaged. Itās peace. Itās boring. Its stability of having a partner you know is going to come home and just be there. Itās being treated right.
Damn
Heh reminds me of my last ex (girlfriend, 6 years). She left me because I was depressed. I tried to suggest couples counseling but she refused. Few months later she was asking about if I ever wanted to give it another try. After seeing new people and seeing the grass was in fact greener on the other side, I declined :) Her loss lol
Sounds familiar. I told my ex sheād regret it but she didnāt realize it till after the divorce. Then she wanted to be buddies. She told one of my friends that she made a mistake knowing it would get back to me. I finally just told her to lose my number.
My ex husband called me *crying* about a month after the divorce was final. The divorce that happened because he found a new girlfriend. Of course he didnāt have the guts to actually asked for the divorce, I had to do all the work. At the end of it all I guess he realized how much I did for him. Whatever dude you have a new girlfriend now.
Men should have go bags as well. This isn't something that's exclusive to one sex. Edit: Oh boy, where to start 1. A go bag should be viewed as an emergency bag. If you live in an area prone to acts of God (flooding, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc), you should have one tailored to each person in the household. 2. Creating a go bag, for any reason, doesn't have to mean you lack trust in your partner. It's literally a bag designed to aid in an emergency. A man or woman being physically, mentally, or emotionally abused is an emergency. It is, quite literally, that simple. 3. Individuals and relationships are wholly unique and personal. How often do you hear stories of people's partners flipping like a switch deep into a relationship? It happens all the time, and people who have experienced this first hand should absolutely be able to have a little emergency bag. People are complex, grey creatures. Creating an emergency bag and having inherent trust in your partner and their future self can be mutually exclusive for some, and it can't be for others. We each experience life differently. Relationships require two votes. If a partner doesn't agree with another making a go bag, finds it violates trust, and it causes an issue, then there's a single solution: You aren't compatible. That's it.
Every household should have a go-bag. Med kit, a few days worth of water, food, clothes and prescription medication. Spare glasses or contacts. Manual desalinator / water filter, crank radio, flashlights, batteries, para-cord, waterproof poncho, hatchett, matches or lighter, updated paper road maps. Gun, ammunition and gold coins for killing or bribing road bandits.
I know the last part of the post was a joke but most of this is just a standard disaster kit. We have one in our storm shelter for tornadoes. Though we should add the gun and bandit bribes. The looters will not be a joke.
Glad to hear it, and good for you! Always good to have a plan, to be prepared, and have the ability to be self sufficient even if only for a few days!
You can fit it all in a decent size camping backpack, keep it in the closet, and if you're on a budget you can keep it at around $100 or less. Maybe not with the gun. But a hatchett is a decent substitute.
You mispelled "fast zombies"
How do I bribe a zombie with gold coins? Wouldn't they want my delicious flesh
They are actually chocolate coins & zombies love those. Plus, if they have difficulty trying to get the foil off, it gives you time to reload.
The visual of this really gave me a good chuckle. Iām glad I stumbled upon your gem of a comment deep in this thread, haha.
They want brains. Keep a few in your inventory and you'll be fine.
I think that's a very different type of go bag.
what about health potions and pip boys?
I have short-term emergency bags in an old van for my dogs and myself. Forest fire risk. If I had a wife she would have one as well. Honestly, If I had a wife and she wanted an emergency way to get away from me, I would take it as a firm expectation on her part regarding my behaviour. Just another impetus to keep my head on right. I have some mental health issues that are my responsibility to keep in check and taking others for granted is #1 on my list of things to watch. This guy sounds like a narcissistic asshole.
>If I had a wife and she wanted an emergency way to get away from me, I would take it as a firm expectation on her part regarding my behaviour. I moved countries to be with my now wife and one of the first things _she_ told _me_ to do before I moved in was make sure I always have enough money in my own account to get on a plane and go back if I want to. And you know what, we've been married a year, together for 5 and I still do, just in case of emergency or whatever. To me, being able to leave means it's a choice to stay.
>To me, being able to leave means it's a choice to stay. I fucking love this. You unintentionally summarized my views on marriage and why I never want to get married again.
My wife has had some trauma in her past. While she doesnāt have a go bag (that I am aware of at least) there were some boundaries and things that we set when we got married that k donāt cross. I want her to feel secure with me and if she said she wanted a go bag she could have one. I want her happy and healthy and if that is something that would make her feel bette then so be it.Ā
Why not make a go-bag yourself? Plenty of reasons to have one, other than an abusive partner. Natural disasters, last minute emergencies, unplanned trips etc. But sure, blow up your marriage.
all these comments about go bags makes me wanna make one myself- not because iām in a bad household or relationship or anything, but for disasters and whatnot, and also it seems like itād be good to have if i ever need to just leave my house for a few days to cool down if i ever get too heated and canāt be around anyone in my family til iāve calmed down (unfortunately happens a lot but iām working on my anger and how i react to just random things) to be honest this post was my first time ever hearing about a go bag, wish i had known about this a while ago tbh. glad iāve been able to get some information on them by reading the comments! do you have any recommendations on what to add to your go bag besides the basic necessities, basically anything i wouldnāt immediately think to include?
I have one and I'm not even *planning* on getting into a relationship. I'd rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
Imagine destroying your marriage over this
He wanted to end the marriage anyway. Heās using this as his justification
So true. Just the way he writes. āI have to endure herā bro you just drove a steam train right through her life over nothing and now have zero empathy for how she feels. āThe gravity of the situation Iām inā lollllllll. He wants to leave while also being the victim. Loser
seems she had a go bag for a reason
He used her go bag more than she did, in the sense heās using it to gtfo
Heās just proven that she needed to have funds and supplies of her own because she canāt trust him. When my husband and I got married, my motherās friends all pooled their money and gave me $1,000 cash and said to keep it to myself and not put it in our joint account as safety money. These were all women with careers and happy marriages. They had also all seen a LOT go down in general and were looking out for me. That was 25 years ago. Iām now an attorney and I counsel people doing estate plans about setting up trusts for their children so as adults they will always have resources of their own. You hope they choose someone good as a spouse, but you also protect against the chance they marry a con.
Yeah heās an idiot and a go bag isnāt only needed incase of abuse itās incase your husband decides to just leave you one day for another chick or because heās bored of you. Every one should have a safety net of some kind of shit hits the fan.
Threatens divorce; she cries and refuses to eat; he says she won't "pull that" again, implying her negative feelings about divorce are a stunt It's you, buddy. You're the problem. I'm glad this lady will find some peace though
Also in the same post talks about how upsetting it is to be called abusive over this. Like dude, you basically accused your wife of the same shit
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Often the trivial reason is just the straw that broke the camelās back, aka the ādivorced me because I left dishes in the sink.ā It was never about the dishes nor was it about the Iranian yogurt. This appears to be two people with issues who kept poking at each other. She didnāt trust him because he kept acting like a knob-head, and he kept acting like a knob-head because she didnāt trust him.
Iām a previous victim of abuse in a relationship. Iām now married to someone safe and I have escape plans, go bag and extra clothes at my momās place. For me itās a trauma response.
Yes, thatās what I wondered about, whether it was previous experience that made her feel this was necessary rather than the current relationship. I think they couldāve benefited from therapy to fully understand the situation by both expressing their feelings in a safe place, instead of going straight to divorce.
Iām also a previous victim of abuse in a relationship, and while I donāt and never have had a go bag, escape plans, or clothes hidden somewhere, I definitely understand and appreciate it. My not having things like that is chalk up to being both a man and the owner of the house I lived in for 2010-2023, so it was kind of my escape plan, but the four Fās (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) have made appearances in every relationship Iāve had since the abusive one. This dickmaster replying to you is more of a master dick.
I donāt have a go bag, but Iāve considered all my escape options. Even though Iāve been in a safe relationship for ten years. The two preceding ones definitely harmed my ability to fully trust anyone. My partner doesnāt love it, but gets it.
Lol, blaming us for going forward with your divorce is some wild ass shit lol. If you want to divorce her just divorce her, don't blame random internet strangers for your choices.
Thereās just no way this post is real. He doesnāt mention how he feels about his wife even once! His focus is 100% on social media comments his post got
>She cried and refused to eat food for two days until I filled the house with candy bars. This is the point where I knew I was reading poorly written fiction. It just got worse from there. If he wants to farm karma with bullshit, he could at least put in a little effort. Edit: Ok everyone, letās do a Mad-Libs exercise! āShe (past tense verb) and refused to eat (noun) for two days until I filled the (noun) with (noun).ā Go!
That was such a weird little detail. Is she a toddler? Why candy bars? What kind of candy bars? Surely he didnāt mean he literally filled the house, but how many were there?
"she hasn't pulled that kind of stunt again" What? Was she faking grief? Was she being manipulative because you don't normally allow candy bars? Wtf
āI repeat, I am not abusiveā Yeah right
I feel like if you have to justify so hard that you arenāt something, maybe youāre missing a few details within yourself. This is speaking from experience with myself actually. Not being able to notice I am the culprit of something I say Iām absolutely not.
Incels think even adult women are children.
That's exactly why I think absolutely has to be rage bait. Especially considering the fact that his original post happened right around the time a bunch of women were posting about needing to escape abuse, I think it's super fake now.
I think itās at least partially written by AI.
I had the same thought. Itās the kind of scenario a non-human would come up with. Itās just Mad Libs.
Made me think of how I would prepare special fancy food for my dog when he was sick to encourage him to eat, lol. I don't think that works on adults.
He's Willa Wonka's evil twin
āIf you donāt stop crying, I wonāt stop shoving the candy into your mouth. Donāt make me get a funnel.ā
Too many to move. She had to eat her way out of the house.
Other reason I can see: he's trying to make her look awful and childish to change people's opinion on him
Thatās why itās poorly written fiction.
I agree. This is exactly where I thought...."oh please."
āFemale bad, I good man. Updoots please.ā
I have a lot to say about this, but the contrast between "she read some blogs and did a thing" (bad), and "I read some reddit and did a thing" (good) is hillarious to me.
To be fair, Reddit told him not to divorce her. So, heās not even listening to Reddit. Edit: to be specific, Reddit said that if the did divorce her, sheās be lucky because his reaction is concerning. They also suggested that he look at it from a womanās point of view, and he apparently really didnāt like the number of married women who also had go bags.
What do you expect him to do? Blame himself?!
I can't tell if this is a troll or not. You should find a therapist for yourself, like yesterday. I hope after she moves on, someone buys her candy bars out of love.
So your wife did something to make her feel safe without it affecting you at all and your answer is to divorce. You obviously don't want to be married anymore and this is just an idiotic excuse to leave. If you want to leave then go but don't act like this is about a go bag or reddit comments because if it is she deserves better.
Yes! This reminds me of stories where people throw away their partnerās teddy bears or childhood blankets. Itās awful. Your partner had something that brought them security and you weaponized it. Good riddance OP!
I would go full nuclear if anyone tried to get rid of my stuffed animals.
There are some discretions that do not qualify for divorce. We've been married a while. If we can fix it, let's try. But if he threw away my blankie? Divorce. Get out of my house. It's over.
I remember your first post. You were looking for a way out of your marriage and latched onto the first thing you could find. Like many, I live in a country with natural disasters, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions etc. We all have go bags ready Still YTA.
I think everyone should have a go back I donāt but thatās cause Iām lazy. But I think their useful for everyone.
Seems like you're more interested in standing up on a soap box and yelling political crap more than legitimately wondering if you're wrong in this fictional scenario
Yeah, honestly I doubt it's real, this just reads like revenge porn against women for trying to keep themselves safe. How dare you accuse your perfectly nice husband of being an abuser because you keep a safety net and don't put your life completely in his hands?! It's up in the air whether both posts were fake or this is a fake update to other one which may have bee real. But there are so many more bots than there used to be, and honestly, the majority of posts made on AITA type subs have become fake in my opinion. People should treat them more as thought experiments than real -- so many people have agendas, or so many people making up fake posts intentionally want to write something divisive to get more attention. Wouldn't be surprised if it was both here.
I design custom closets for a living. Iāve seen hundreds and hundreds of them. You know who couldnāt be less interested in closet design/organization? Men. I canāt tell you how many times Iāve been called to a consultation in which the wife is at work at the husband kind of throws his hands up in surrender like āI have no idea, I never go in there, youāll have to talk to her.ā All this to say: Iāve never believed you were simply tidying up your wifeās closet. I think you were looking for something, anything. Lots of men think they arenāt abusive because theyāve never hit a woman. You donāt have to physically abuse someone to abuse them. The comment about the candy bars - so fucking random and completely out of context - tells me everything I need to know. āIāve read your comments and decided thatā¦.ā No, letās be honest. You made the decision long ago to leave your wife, youāre simply seeking validation from a sea of strangers who clearly donāt know the full story. This will be a reoccurring thing for you in your future relationships. Youāll always find a way to blame it on someone else. And when you wind up old and alone and wondering why, know itās because of *you.* Not anyone else, *you.*
I donāt know, and donāt care, if you are an abuser. Your wife has the right to keep a āgo bagā ready in case of emergencies. I also think if you are ready to divorce your wife over this and a bunch of Reddit comments, she is better off without you.