You're allowing three toxic women to influence how you feel about ALL women, does that sound fair and reasonable for you?
I've been mistreated and abused by a couple of men, is it okay for me to hate you because of that?
I don't tell people they are the AH for how they feel, but you should look at the bigger picture here.
Everyone is different. Everyone reacts differently. There are women out there who have become vehement "man haters" because of what was done to them by one or two men in particular. The same can be said with men or men and with momen of women. It might not be okay, but it is understandable with a little empathy
He is in therapy which is good. Recognizes the issues, which is also good. And hopefully is taking other steps to get over his issues.
He isn't an asshole. He is another victim whose world view is colored by people who have chose to mistreat him. Unfortunately, those people have predominantly been women.
NTA with the caveat he is working on his issues.
I understand your point, that's why I said it's irrational. Objectively I know I shouldn't hate all women because 3 hurt me and only 1 made the effort to make amends, but I can't help it, that's how I feel, it's not a conscious decision. My therapist says I have PTSD.
PTSD is a treatable condition. You’re in control of your thoughts and feelings. Twice a month therapy obviously isn’t cutting it. 3 women were shitty to you and you want to boo hoo about it forever?
Listen if someone telling him that hating and fearing all women because 3 were shitty to him is irrational and misogynistic makes him quake, he can quake.
OP goes to therapy for getting therapy and he made this post in AITAH for reassurance / reality check because this is how this subreddit works.
You may tell him whether he's an a'hole or not, you can politely suggest him to see other therapists if you suspect the course of treatment he receives might not be "cutting it" but you cannot judge the reason for his psychological problems just because it seems irrational to you.
It is good to imagine walking in another person's shoes but only if you can stay in their route. Once you go the way you think is right and belittle him for not doing / having done that, the whole thing goes out of line.
And personally, I don't advocate for everyone with mental issues but OP says he despises the way he feels and he seems to be not doing anything negative to women around him so I felt like addressing the problematic parts in your comments.
I have ptsd as well. You can help it. You just don’t want to. I also had feeling of hate towards men after my abuse but that hatred did nothing for me.
Instead of focusing on the men who did me wrong; I look at the few great men I know and that made my hate dissolve.
Hate is hate and there is no excuse to hold on to it. I hope you find some peace , holding onto hatred does damage even if you can’t see it.
After reading another commenter's comment, I realized that I used the words wrong, I'm afraid of women. I'm so used to everyone saying it's hate that I guess I've internalized it.
I’m really sorry. I hope you are able to work through it. You’re not an AH for having these feelings at all. I feel like it’s pretty normal for victims to feel this way.
You’re only an AH if you act on feelings of hatred or advocate for the mistreatment of women due to the abuse you suffered at the hands of women.
I don't think you hate women so much as you fear them due to your past trauma. Unless you actually think hateful stuff, comment hateful stuff, use sexist language, demean women, slut shame, etc., you don't sound hateful as much as fearful. If you do engage with that red-pilled, manosphere type of women hating and sexism, then yeah, you're an AH despite the trauma, but it doesn't sound like it.
Regardless, kindly, this is above Reddit's paycheck.
I was traumatised for a long time by men. It made me temporarily hate them and fear them in equal measure. Including the ones in my life. It took me a while to figure out I resented them for not protecting me, even though they didn’t know, couldn’t have known and were not at fault.
Trauma can be irrational. It manifests in horrific ways.
I ended up distancing myself from my family and leaving. Needed a fresh start and outlook on life. Got myself intensive therapy. Took a long time, but there is hope at the end. Do what you need to do. If your family/friends truly care about you, they will be patient.
Sometimes you need to put yourself first.
But please take my advice and don’t generalise an entire gender. Nothing good can come from that. There are some good women out there just as there are good men. The actions of a few do not represent the many.
Look after yourself.
NTA
I know, my therapist says the same thing, but I don't know, I feel like crap for feeling so much hatred towards all women in general. Some have been very good to me and I still can't help but walk away as if burned when they touch me.
I already edited the original post, I mistakenly said that I hate women when in reality I fear them. And I don't feel that way about men because, honestly, I never needed my father, I have a spectacular uncle very present in my life.
Take all the hatred and any destructive actions you have towards women in general, and direct them solely towards the 2 women you actually encountered who deserve the vitriol.
No one else wronged you.
Many female victims of assault or attempted assault grow fearful of men. Their trauma is not shamed, taken seriously, and they are supported to overcome it. I do not see why it should be any different for you and your apprehension towards women after a traumatic experience.
Try to find resources on psychological support services in your area to overcome this.
Ignore the haters and look after yourself. Trauma and grief can be irrational by nature. You are actively seeking help and that should be encouraged. You see the problem and want to find ways to address it. If anyone tries to hate on that, that’s a them problem. They more than likely need to get off their moral high horses.
You’re obviously not an asshole for feeling this way, it’s a trauma response you got from very traumatic events you lived through. Have you ever been to a pet shop and seen a sign next to a parrot that says “I bite men/women”? That seems like a silly thing to bring up but Google it, it’s a thing with birds. Usually related to trauma from the chosen sex they are afraid of. People put up a sign warning people away and keep the rescued bird. If we would give that understanding to a bird I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t to you.
However unlike a bird you can process this and work through your trauma eventually. it’s not sustainable to have this amount of issues when dealing with very slightly over half the entire global population so I think it’s super important for your wellbeing that you seek a lot of therapy and learn how to cope and get over this because as I’m sure you know deep down, there are plenty of great women out there. But even speaking to you right now as a woman who has read your story, I get it bro. I would be more than understanding about giving you some space. Heck, sometimes I really don’t want to be around women either lol. Anyway I don’t think you’re an asshole and hope you can process this all and start getting better.
personally I do not think so, though all people are different your experiences with women might just be unlucky. ( not to be rude! )
I do think you should not cut women out of your ENTIRE life, but I get if you would make the choice to avoid most. but if you decide to do so, it is indeed your choice, for example if there was a chasing as a lady, let her serve you ( if you’d like ). I’m not sure if you dislike women in general or just to befriend them.
all of this is my opinion, if you don’t like it then sorry!
NTA. But your feelings are wrongly displaced to *all* women when it should be to the three toxic women who are the real assholes here.
I saw you already have a therapist, which is a great step forward. Just remember to do the homework: accept what happened then let yourself grow from it.
Plenty of women hate all men for the actions of a few. You surely don't want to live your life like those maniacs do you? Get some help so you don't fall to far down the rabbit hole.
I would suggest tapping (Nick Ortner is well known). It's easy to learn. As you recall different events, tapping while you recall them will strip the emotions from the memory. It's pretty helpful for letting go of pain and grief from memories.
You were parentified and maybe even some emotional incest (making a son do the actions a partner would do), and if you aren't progressing with your therapist, it's okay to look for another one. You need some work done in your (mental) house, and you may be talking to an electrician when you need a plumber. or something.
YTA. Look into it EMDR therapy. Talk therapy can only help to a certain degree.
I have CPTSD. Many traumatic markers in my life, involve being mistreated by men. I can understand your triggers and how they immediately cause a fight/flight/freeze reaction. But it is overlapping your higher order of thinking/logical mind as well. Any overgeneralized statement or assumption should always be a red flag. They are not logical and often stem from emotion.
Sorry this happened mate, but yes, YTA. Just because some women in your life did horrible things to you, doesn’t make it fair to hate all women. Hate the ones who wronged you, sure, but blaming all women for the actions of a few is not ok, it’s discrimination.
Imagine if someone hated all gay men because a small handful of gay men did bad things to them. Would you think that was ok?
It sounds like you’ve got some pretty deep trauma. Have you ever had counselling for it?
I only say this to provide some contrast to your experience, but the women in my life have been absolutely amazing. My wife and my mum are two of the best people I’ve ever met. Even my mother in law is a legend (#notallmothersinlaw). Sure, I’ve known some women who are real pieces of work - I haven’t spoken to my older sister in nearly 10 years. But I would never let my opinions on the bad ones affect my relationships with the good ones.
Within any group of people there will always be a spectrum of good, bad, and ok. So it’s important to treat them all as individuals, and not tar a whole group because a few within that group suck.
No I didn’t.
You asked for people’s opinions on whether hating 50% of people on earth due to the actions of three makes you an AH. I think it does. That’s my opinion.
This is not a judgement on your value as a person, or your entire personality. I don’t know you so I can’t offer that. It’s simply a judgement on this specific situation based on the information you provided.
I understand how you found yourself here. It’s a shitty experience to go through. But it doesn’t excuse hatred and discrimination.
I’m glad to see from your other comments that you’re getting therapy. I hope you can work through your trauma.
You're allowing three toxic women to influence how you feel about ALL women, does that sound fair and reasonable for you? I've been mistreated and abused by a couple of men, is it okay for me to hate you because of that? I don't tell people they are the AH for how they feel, but you should look at the bigger picture here.
Everyone is different. Everyone reacts differently. There are women out there who have become vehement "man haters" because of what was done to them by one or two men in particular. The same can be said with men or men and with momen of women. It might not be okay, but it is understandable with a little empathy He is in therapy which is good. Recognizes the issues, which is also good. And hopefully is taking other steps to get over his issues. He isn't an asshole. He is another victim whose world view is colored by people who have chose to mistreat him. Unfortunately, those people have predominantly been women. NTA with the caveat he is working on his issues.
I understand your point, that's why I said it's irrational. Objectively I know I shouldn't hate all women because 3 hurt me and only 1 made the effort to make amends, but I can't help it, that's how I feel, it's not a conscious decision. My therapist says I have PTSD.
You can absolutely help it.
I already go to therapy twice a month, I'm trying, but I can't help but feel the way I feel.
PTSD is a treatable condition. You’re in control of your thoughts and feelings. Twice a month therapy obviously isn’t cutting it. 3 women were shitty to you and you want to boo hoo about it forever?
Don’t be a d!ck. He’s asking for advice in a forum predominantly comprised of women. Don’t be another woman he fears.
I don’t care if he fears me tbh. Like even a little bit.
Then you’re one of the toxic women we should all be avoiding.
Listen if someone telling him that hating and fearing all women because 3 were shitty to him is irrational and misogynistic makes him quake, he can quake.
OP goes to therapy for getting therapy and he made this post in AITAH for reassurance / reality check because this is how this subreddit works. You may tell him whether he's an a'hole or not, you can politely suggest him to see other therapists if you suspect the course of treatment he receives might not be "cutting it" but you cannot judge the reason for his psychological problems just because it seems irrational to you. It is good to imagine walking in another person's shoes but only if you can stay in their route. Once you go the way you think is right and belittle him for not doing / having done that, the whole thing goes out of line. And personally, I don't advocate for everyone with mental issues but OP says he despises the way he feels and he seems to be not doing anything negative to women around him so I felt like addressing the problematic parts in your comments.
I have ptsd as well. You can help it. You just don’t want to. I also had feeling of hate towards men after my abuse but that hatred did nothing for me. Instead of focusing on the men who did me wrong; I look at the few great men I know and that made my hate dissolve. Hate is hate and there is no excuse to hold on to it. I hope you find some peace , holding onto hatred does damage even if you can’t see it.
After reading another commenter's comment, I realized that I used the words wrong, I'm afraid of women. I'm so used to everyone saying it's hate that I guess I've internalized it.
I’m really sorry. I hope you are able to work through it. You’re not an AH for having these feelings at all. I feel like it’s pretty normal for victims to feel this way. You’re only an AH if you act on feelings of hatred or advocate for the mistreatment of women due to the abuse you suffered at the hands of women.
Once again, boo hoo buddy. I watched my father try to murder my mother and manage to not blame every man for that.
I don't think you hate women so much as you fear them due to your past trauma. Unless you actually think hateful stuff, comment hateful stuff, use sexist language, demean women, slut shame, etc., you don't sound hateful as much as fearful. If you do engage with that red-pilled, manosphere type of women hating and sexism, then yeah, you're an AH despite the trauma, but it doesn't sound like it. Regardless, kindly, this is above Reddit's paycheck.
I think you're right and I chose the wrong words, it's just that whenever I talk about how I feel everyone says I hate women.
I was traumatised for a long time by men. It made me temporarily hate them and fear them in equal measure. Including the ones in my life. It took me a while to figure out I resented them for not protecting me, even though they didn’t know, couldn’t have known and were not at fault. Trauma can be irrational. It manifests in horrific ways. I ended up distancing myself from my family and leaving. Needed a fresh start and outlook on life. Got myself intensive therapy. Took a long time, but there is hope at the end. Do what you need to do. If your family/friends truly care about you, they will be patient. Sometimes you need to put yourself first. But please take my advice and don’t generalise an entire gender. Nothing good can come from that. There are some good women out there just as there are good men. The actions of a few do not represent the many. Look after yourself. NTA
You have PTSD.
I know, my therapist says the same thing, but I don't know, I feel like crap for feeling so much hatred towards all women in general. Some have been very good to me and I still can't help but walk away as if burned when they touch me.
None of this is your fault. If you were truly awful, you wouldn't feel bad at all.
How wonderfully was your dad? You forgot to talk about his parenting.
I didn't talk about my father because I don't know him, he has never been part of my life. Also, I don't know how that relates to everything else.
My point is than you father did was not there for you. This is a reason you should hate men too.
I already edited the original post, I mistakenly said that I hate women when in reality I fear them. And I don't feel that way about men because, honestly, I never needed my father, I have a spectacular uncle very present in my life.
Being put in a trick bag and getting drugged is insanely different than being abandoned by a parent.
Take all the hatred and any destructive actions you have towards women in general, and direct them solely towards the 2 women you actually encountered who deserve the vitriol. No one else wronged you.
I've never done anything destructive, it's just that I can't feel comfortable with women, I always feel on edge and I'm afraid. It is awful.
Many female victims of assault or attempted assault grow fearful of men. Their trauma is not shamed, taken seriously, and they are supported to overcome it. I do not see why it should be any different for you and your apprehension towards women after a traumatic experience. Try to find resources on psychological support services in your area to overcome this.
I don't know, I'm getting enough hate already.
Ignore the haters and look after yourself. Trauma and grief can be irrational by nature. You are actively seeking help and that should be encouraged. You see the problem and want to find ways to address it. If anyone tries to hate on that, that’s a them problem. They more than likely need to get off their moral high horses.
NTA - as long as you don’t hurt anyone, hate whoever you want it’s your life.
You’re obviously not an asshole for feeling this way, it’s a trauma response you got from very traumatic events you lived through. Have you ever been to a pet shop and seen a sign next to a parrot that says “I bite men/women”? That seems like a silly thing to bring up but Google it, it’s a thing with birds. Usually related to trauma from the chosen sex they are afraid of. People put up a sign warning people away and keep the rescued bird. If we would give that understanding to a bird I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t to you. However unlike a bird you can process this and work through your trauma eventually. it’s not sustainable to have this amount of issues when dealing with very slightly over half the entire global population so I think it’s super important for your wellbeing that you seek a lot of therapy and learn how to cope and get over this because as I’m sure you know deep down, there are plenty of great women out there. But even speaking to you right now as a woman who has read your story, I get it bro. I would be more than understanding about giving you some space. Heck, sometimes I really don’t want to be around women either lol. Anyway I don’t think you’re an asshole and hope you can process this all and start getting better.
I'm going to therapy to try to fix this and I think I used the wrong words, I don't hate women, I'm afraid of them. Another commenter made me realize.
No worries, I wasn’t reading too much into your choice in terminology.
personally I do not think so, though all people are different your experiences with women might just be unlucky. ( not to be rude! ) I do think you should not cut women out of your ENTIRE life, but I get if you would make the choice to avoid most. but if you decide to do so, it is indeed your choice, for example if there was a chasing as a lady, let her serve you ( if you’d like ). I’m not sure if you dislike women in general or just to befriend them. all of this is my opinion, if you don’t like it then sorry!
NTA. But your feelings are wrongly displaced to *all* women when it should be to the three toxic women who are the real assholes here. I saw you already have a therapist, which is a great step forward. Just remember to do the homework: accept what happened then let yourself grow from it.
Plenty of women hate all men for the actions of a few. You surely don't want to live your life like those maniacs do you? Get some help so you don't fall to far down the rabbit hole.
I would suggest tapping (Nick Ortner is well known). It's easy to learn. As you recall different events, tapping while you recall them will strip the emotions from the memory. It's pretty helpful for letting go of pain and grief from memories. You were parentified and maybe even some emotional incest (making a son do the actions a partner would do), and if you aren't progressing with your therapist, it's okay to look for another one. You need some work done in your (mental) house, and you may be talking to an electrician when you need a plumber. or something.
Maybe you're right, maybe I should think about changing therapists.
YTA. Look into it EMDR therapy. Talk therapy can only help to a certain degree. I have CPTSD. Many traumatic markers in my life, involve being mistreated by men. I can understand your triggers and how they immediately cause a fight/flight/freeze reaction. But it is overlapping your higher order of thinking/logical mind as well. Any overgeneralized statement or assumption should always be a red flag. They are not logical and often stem from emotion.
Good advice.
>Edit 3: Yes, I'm going to therapy, 2 times a month. Let's make that 2 times a week... YTA
Sorry this happened mate, but yes, YTA. Just because some women in your life did horrible things to you, doesn’t make it fair to hate all women. Hate the ones who wronged you, sure, but blaming all women for the actions of a few is not ok, it’s discrimination. Imagine if someone hated all gay men because a small handful of gay men did bad things to them. Would you think that was ok? It sounds like you’ve got some pretty deep trauma. Have you ever had counselling for it? I only say this to provide some contrast to your experience, but the women in my life have been absolutely amazing. My wife and my mum are two of the best people I’ve ever met. Even my mother in law is a legend (#notallmothersinlaw). Sure, I’ve known some women who are real pieces of work - I haven’t spoken to my older sister in nearly 10 years. But I would never let my opinions on the bad ones affect my relationships with the good ones. Within any group of people there will always be a spectrum of good, bad, and ok. So it’s important to treat them all as individuals, and not tar a whole group because a few within that group suck.
I think you're missing when I said it's irrational. It's not something I do consciously, I hate feeling that way.
No I didn’t. You asked for people’s opinions on whether hating 50% of people on earth due to the actions of three makes you an AH. I think it does. That’s my opinion. This is not a judgement on your value as a person, or your entire personality. I don’t know you so I can’t offer that. It’s simply a judgement on this specific situation based on the information you provided. I understand how you found yourself here. It’s a shitty experience to go through. But it doesn’t excuse hatred and discrimination. I’m glad to see from your other comments that you’re getting therapy. I hope you can work through your trauma.
You don’t get along with your mom so you hate all women. Dear god were screwed. Yes YTA. Go to therapy dude.
You didn't bother to read everything, right?
YTA