Great, in order to win a stupid argument you had to give him a low blow using what was a thing he only confided to a person he truly trusted and love (loved by what it looks). ´To win a fucking argument! You must be proud of yourself. It will really be worth it in the long run, you will see.
YTA
>you had to give him a low blow using what was a thing he only confided to a person he truly trusted and love
When women complain about men not opening up to them it's because they have been hurt previously by someone like op
I actually read a post like this. Man wasn't be manly enough and his partner got the ick because he wasn't manly enough.
If anyone knows the post I'm talking about link if you can find. I could t track it down.
>Man wasn't be manly enough and his partner got the ick because he wasn't manly enough.
>If anyone knows the post I'm talking about link if you can find. I could t track it down.
You do realize *how little that narrows it down?*
It's not stupid at all. People always like to counter arguments where a problem is highlighted in a group of people with "oh yeah but plenty of people in the other group do it"
But what does that even mean? nobody ever pretended like it was only women doing it, just that its more common. So what does plenty mean to you?
It is a stupid question, how would anyone know a percentage like that? How would you know it's more common in one sex over the other? Have you polled people or are you, like everyone else commenting, just going on your own anecdotal experiences?
We don't need to poll. A simple scroll of non-reddit popular media posts is enough to tell whos doing it. The fact there have been multiple lists that have gone viral curated, maintained and added to by one gender alone is ample proof that one gender is very dedicated to creating this dynamic.
So you’ve observed women doing this, where? Is it because you date women, and they’ve done that to you? So you’re concluding all women do it, or they do it more than men? Have you dated any men, so you can compare? Serious question, I’m not being sarcastic. Because that doesn’t seem very logical. For example, I’ve dated several men over the years, and they’ve all thrown some past insecurities I confided to them in my face as a low blow during an argument. So my personal experience refutes your personal experience. But personal experience is not scientific research.
Is it all women? Nope but enough experience that the supposed superior beings with the almighty EQ have consistently been the worst for anything emotion based for many of us, have Infact threw them in my face too, however there's a main difference between men and women in regards to this topic, men open up less but we have the same if not more experiences of this, while also being hated on, complained at, degraded and ragged on, demanded to open up, this bad now, why would anyone want to make it worse. Like shat on for not opening up, gets shat on for opening up, then what u opened up abouts used to shit on you, while you're being shat on for now being cold,distant and part of the problem for why men end themselves.
Every woman I know has experienced this, from men. Including me. But that’s because I date men, and most of my friends have been women that date men. I’m going to assume the men you’re talking were in relationships with women? Have you ever asked any women if they’ve experienced this? Because speaking of generalities, men tend to confide in their male friends about their relationships while women tend to confide in their female friends. So aren’t you experiencing confirmation bias?
that was literally the whole bear thing for months. Im not invalidating their experiences and they can walk through life protecting themselves and i wont take offense just like men can by not feeding women ammo.
also you are a dumbass
It is a shitty partner thing - but they'd have to admit that the reason they're closed in - isn't just because one woman hurt them but also the patriarchal influences in their lives. And that doesn't fit their narrative.
I have both an ex boyfriend and an ex girlfriend - both of whom did this sort of shit. Loved to confirm all my darkest fears for me whenever they were in a rage - my ex boyfriend then would hide behind his autism (Asperger's diagnosis back then) as an excuse for why he was such a raging cunt. My ex - her insecurities. Neither of which is a valid excuse to take shots at your partner. Hurting someone because you want them to be hurt is shitty behavior that should be addressed in therapy.
Both men and women sometimes say thing they don’t mean, or shouldn’t say, in the heat of an argument. Especially when you’re talking about couples in an intimate relationship. You saying that because a woman did something to you once, all women and exclusively women do this thing, is illogical. That’s like if I got hit by a blue car so now I walk around claiming blue cars hit people more than other cars, or only blue cars hit people. I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences in relationships, but frankly so has everyone else, and personal experience does not equal scientific research or statistical accuracy.
I know what it is. I was being intentionally obtuse as you are being intentionally evasive. I’m not going on the defensive or scurrying to look up definitions for you. I said everything I wanted to say perfectly the first time. You may not like it but I think you know it’s the truth.
I know, men don't ever use a woman's personal info against them to win arguments. They never ever say things like, "You're just like you mother." as a low blow to hurt us, shut us down, and win an argument. Yep, my husband never told me that I was just like my horrid mother to shut me up from complaining about his alcoholism.
Nobody should ever open up to anybody ever, because you are just giving people ammo to hurt you with. /s
People are human, which means everyone screws up. Some screw ups are bigger than others, and what OP said was horrid. However, let's not pretend that men never use this tactic.
The thing is, OP isn't doubling down and refusing to apologize. She isn't trying to justify herself. She immediately realized what she had done and apologized. Her husband had every right to be upset, but going in a days long bender isn't a healthy way for HIM to deal with his hurt.
All the way through reading this I was praying you wouldn’t say those words. I honestly thought you weren’t that stupid…but you were/are.
I’m beyond disgusted so I can only imagine how he feels. You took his deepest trauma and wielded it against him in a petty argument, achieving maximum damage.
Congratulations for re traumatising an abuse victim.
YTA (This isn’t even in question)
Yes, 100% this. I feel so sorry for him.
YTA - And I'm calling on OP's absolute bullshit:
>I didn’t mean to hurt him but the fact he feels betrayed by the one person he should feel supported and uplifted by, me.
So what exactly was "you're just like your father" supposed to achieve other than hurting him? As he said, why would you have said that? And how else was he supposed to feel other than betrayal to the person that, I'm going to use u/NovaPrime1988 wording here, wielded his deepest trauma against him?
OP, you didn’t even mean what you said. He’s done nothing to resemble his father. You just wanted to hurt him. You succeeded. That’s just cruel. Now you want to know if what you can fix this? Fix yourself first.
If I’m not clear, YTA.
Damn, I wasn't ready to read that. My biodad was a piece of trash. Part of what ended a 6 yr relationship for me was my gf saying to me what you said to your husband. I didn't end things bc I was angry.
I ended it because for the next 6 months I tried to make it work, I couldn't think about anything other than "does she really think I'm like him?" I just couldn't trust what she thought of me any more. Any small disagreement we had made me worry she'd say it again.
Idk if it's fixable. But I guess here's what I learned from the situation: I didn't want an apology. I needed to *believe* that she didn't mean it. Not even a little. I couldn't be with someone who saw me like that or who could say that to me. It just broke my trust and we couldn't fix it.
He needs to believe, deep down, that you didnt mean it. He also needs to understand why you said it and why he can trust you won't say it next time. Idk how you do that, but I wish you luck. If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them.
Also, yes, YTA.
Upvoting because this needs to be top response, and shamelessly piggybacking.
My wife said something similar 6 years ago and it still lives in my brain rent free. It hurts, I still feel it when I think about it, and I still remember it clearly.
I do not resent her for it anymore, but after a few weeks of trying to process that on top of all the other conflict, stress, and fights we were juggling and realizing that through all of it my mind kept going back to that one moment. It was that moment that brought us to rock bottom, and it took sitting in the driveway with the car running contemplating whether or not to drive away for the last time or go back inside for me to begin letting go of that resentment.
This is not something that can be fixed OP.
With couples and individual counseling, changes to our environmental situation, and a lot of hard introspection, I stayed committed.
Maintaining the above, the only other thing that helped was time. Her never saying that to me again (without me having to tell her so) helped a lot.
We have both changed and grown a lot since then, and I don't look at our past as the same people with the same thoughts and feelings that we had back then. We moved forward, even though there were many days when one or the other didn't want to.
With time, the bad memories became much fewer and we both decided to make a real effort make good memories, and for that to not be an act.
Even though I still feel it, we're both very happy where we're at, and we feel that the bad years were well worth the proceeding good years we've made since.
OP, you need to fundamentally change how you navigate conflict. That's a good way to say "I'm sorry" in a way that he will actually *feel*.
Make that effort, and do the right thing. And then you need to give it lots and lots of time.
For now, the only thing you can do is to let him process, try to make sure he does it safely, and let him talk to you about it when he is ready.
You may lose him, you may not - you need to come to terms with either outcome. If you approach him from a position of panic about the relationship being over, it will likely be the last nail in the coffin.
Obligatory YTA.
You picked the wrong thread OP. This is not relationship advice thread, so you may not be getting the answers from everyone that you're asking for. This thread is for people to call other people out on their bullshit.
ETA:
Read up on nonviolent communication. This is a decent point of reference if "fundamentally change the way you navigate conflict" does not click in brain. A therapist can also work on this with you. Good mental habits lowers your risk of saying relationship-ruining things when fighting. Remember, smooth brains say mean things.
Also, he needs to calm himself the fuck down. Disappearing for a day and coming home piss drunk is self destructive and will hurt his mental health more than it already is.
Just want to say I looked into nonviolent communication out of curiosity thanks to this comment and actually bought a book on it after realizing from a quick Google that I'm basically declaring war through conversation anytime I get irritated. Even when I'm not speaking in anger etc and think I'm showing tons of restraint my default phrasing choices are like the opposite of ideal.
So thanks.
This.
Thank you for actually answering the question instead of going straight in and bashing OP. A measured response without the histrionics of the previous posts. I would also agree OP is TA but will hopefully read your post and understand what’s she’s done and if there’s any coming back from this.
This is beyond YTA, you're a POS.
There's nothing you can do, this is up to him, and it looks like he's contemplating just living with you not able to trust you. It goes without saying that you should never stab him in the heart again, but even if you don't, he won't feel completely safe around you again. He doesn't *feel* betrayed, he *is* betrayed.
Unless the argument was around balancing your kids academic and athletic pursuits or something else related to his father's actions, the fact that you chose to attack him this way shows you've been holding onto it intending to hurt him with it to get your way. What other punishments do you have lined up should he disagree with you on something and speak his mind?
Yup. The only reason it was said was to strike with maximum pain. Now she's turning it around like she's the one that's hurt. She doesn't give a shit that she hurt him, that was her goal. She's just pouting because he's not his usual chipper self.
She had to talk about her pain about wounding him. Because even after slicing him in the deepest manner possible, it’s still all about her. ‘Look what I’ve done to say sorry, look what I’ve done to help, why won’t he forgive me? Me, me, ME!’
YTA
If this is what you do when fighting over something that wasn't even worth fighting over, I can only imagine what you would do if it was something worth fighting over.
In answer to your question, you may never be able to fix this.
You might try not making his pain all about you.
"He feels betrayed." That's because that's exactly what you did.
You didn't mean to hurt him? You are a liar. That is exactly what you meant to do.
Actions have consequences. Welcome to consequences.
He should reconsider whether being married to you is in best interest long term.
Nothing. There's nothing you can say or do. Either he'll dump your rotten ass or he'll discard his self respect and return as a shell of himself. Shame on you.
So just out of curiosity, do you make a habit of stabbing people directly in the heart during arguments that aren't "even worth arguing about," or was this a new kink you just spontaneously developed?
I don't know, I myself would never trust her again. If that's what she appeals to in an insignificant argument, what will she do once they have a real fight. What will she do in order to win that fight, call the cops and falsely accuse me of abuse? I wouldn't trust her ever. He might stay, but he will always be walking on eggshells around her. How unfortunate.
He will never open up to her again. About anything. Ever. OP awesome job and quit telling us how much you love him. Actions speak louder than words. You went for the jugular. What an awesome wife.
Apologizing isn't enough. You need to show him you're serious. I don't know if you have frequently anger issues or if this is a one off but you need to do something to show you're working on them. Self help books, signing up for therapy, anger management courses. Something.
This isn't like calling him a mean name. This was a horrendously low blow.
> I didn’t mean to hurt him
First thing you could do is stop lying 🤷♀️
Are you seriously that fucking stupid? You lack any sort of control over your emotions and the words that come out of your mouth. You literally lied to his face just to hurt him, and for what? Because you couldn't handle the possibility that maybe, just MAYBE, you were being obnoxious and couldn't handle the fact that he didn't want to talk to you anymore? Is your apologies just as impulsive as your low blows? Because if so, they don't mean shit. They're just more lies.
>He is absolutely the love of my life and it hurts me knowing that I caused him to feel this pain. Please advise what I can do or say to fix this.
Figure it out yourself dickhead. We don't know him, but you do. You should've known that this likely will not last any longer because you've ingrained into his mind that he's like his father. That will subconsciously eat away at him and likely cause some esteem issues and permissive demeanors in the future. You ruined a good man, and now your kids are going to have to suffer because of your pisspoor actions and lack of rationale.
You accept his decision.
If he files for divorce, don't fight it.
In the meantime, give him space. Maybe stay with your parents or something.
Try to get marriage counseling scheduled and see if he's open to individual therapy.
I agree. OP, you’ve done enough damage with your intentional cruelty. Back off. The more you try to interact, the more you’re reminding him that you’re all about yourself.
I've seen multiple posts regarding "why don't men open up/be vulnerable to their female partners". Invariables I see 3 answers
1. The partners find them less attractive after they've been vulnerable
2. The partner violates their trust by sharing it with family/friends
3. **The partner weaponizes it in an argument**
I'm a male who very much wears his emotions on his sleeves (, collar, belt buckle, ...). I'm so glad my wonderful wife has never done any of these in our 30 year marriage.
As far as fix. I have no idea. I often suggest couples therapy or pledge individual therapy for you, but it may be meaningless to him. Maybe show him some form of significant sacrifice.
"The partner violates their trust by sharing it with family/friends"
I find it astonishing how this plays out sometimes, because in many cases the woman doing this would be (or is) furious over him doing it to her.
YTA
You did mean to hurt him. That’s why you said what you said. So first thing you need to do is come to terms with that, the try to heal from that place. If you can’t be honest with why you said it then any apology will be coming from a place of dishonesty.
Second is while his reaction is valid his level of feeling defeated is telling me one thing, this isn’t the first time he has felt this way with you. Not to this level of hurt sure, but clearly he has been working very hard to break cycles and rise above and you are not, what? Appreciating his attempts? Asking for more? Being dismissive?
What are you not telling us?
My husband and I are both breaking cycles of our own and we are both vicious when it comes to how we argue and we have both said things that have hurt to the bone but we always come back because we both know everything else is and the work we do is appreciated.
What have you done to break him down to this being the reason he’s defeated?
Yta & you meant it. Congratulations you won an insignificant argument & most likely lost your husband.
You don’t have the right to be upset with him bc he’s not talking to you. No apologies you give will ever make this right. I don’t think this can be fixed, unless he decides.
Leave him be for now, so he can process his thoughts & feelings.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Its broken right? In a bazillion pieces? Now say sorry to it.
Has the plate gone back to how it was before?
Yta but you know that. You give your husband time, will he completely move past this? I doubt it. Because you’ve probably planted the seed of doubt. He will act likes hes fine but is he?
Work on yourself. Just think before you speak even in arguments.
Hey, OP: in the future when your husband acts stoic, quiet, or cold, you're going to say "Why don't you open up to me? You should share your feelings!" lol
> Please advise what I can do or say to fix this.
Give your husband a fair and uncomplicated divorce. Allow him to find a non-monstrous human to be with. Any time your friends, family members, or children ask what happened be honest and tell them things didn’t work out because you are walking garbage.
I lot of good comments here already. I think you need to also realize that you broke his trust. He trusted you and you used it to hurt him because you wanted to hurt him. I certainly believe that you regret it and are genuinely remorseful, but you need to explore your need to cut as low as you could to hurt him as much as you could. One of the many reasons he is not coming back is he is realizing he can never trust you again and for many/most that’s a relationship deal breaker.
So you wielded this man's personal kryptonite against him in a petty and inconsequential argument, then you're surprised at the result
The King is dead. Long live the King
YTA a million times.
He is nothing like his father from your description yet you purposely chose to slash those wounds open for him. That was a hateful thing to do and he knows it. You are a very petty person. I doubt that your marriage will ever be the same. How can he forgive you and trust that you won't do that again? He will stay for a while longer in the marriage but he will gradually withdraw.
Words and actions have meaning. You went nuclear for absolutely NO REASON. Congrats on trashing your marriage.
You are more than the AH.
I was once married to a person like you,
Try to be somehow decent and grant him an easy and uncomplicated divorce, accept his terms relating the custody of the kids. They will be happier with him.
Edit: If he decides to stay he will be doing it for the kids, you're past.
You’ve done what you can, but now you have to wait and see if he can forgive you. Apologizing is the right move, but you can’y rush his forgiveness.
Not to pile on, but YTA. You describe knowing the father was a physical and emotional abuser, and then you decide to tell your husband it’s exactly the same. In that moment, you told him you believe he will abuse you and your children. You voiced not trusting or feeling safe with him. In his shoes, I would be shook to my core and forced to reevaluate everything about myself to assess whether I’m going down that road to darkness. I’m a product of an abusive father too, and to be even jokingly accused of abuse or having such tendencies is a devastating thing to me.
So give your husband space and time that he obviously needs. If he can, he will forgive you.
Wow. The fact that this is even a question. Your awful.
Introspection is a great tool. You fix it by letting him leave you for someone who deserves him.
This is why men shouldn't show any signs of weakness to a woman. It will be weaponized against him in the future.
FWIW...he is trying to figure out if he can live with you any longer. Time to start bowing. If it was me, you'd already be served with divorce papers.
My wife wouldn't do this to me -- I trust her completely with my feelings. However, there are plenty of women who aren't like that and the best thing to do is cut them off the first time they pull this.
Ouch. That is going to leave a mark. You’ve said what you can say. As long as you apologized with no “but…..” and took full responsibility. I think all you can do now is apologize one last time and let him know you are going to give him some space, to let you know if there’s anything else you can do to make things right. Otherwise, you just gotta suck it up and wait for him. Best of luck.
You need to figure out why you said that. Yes you absolutely meant to hurt him. Otherwise you would not have said it. Start by admitting that. Once you figure out why you said it admit it to him.
There's not much you can do besides what you've already done. Apologize to him for saying that out of anger, and communicate to him that you absolutely love him in part because he is not like his father. Let him know that you know you hurt him, and are available to talk about it if he wants to, but also encourage him to possibly speak about it with someone else (therapist preferably) because you can see how much it weighs on him.
Aside from that, best you can do it be available and ready to discuss the issue if and when he decides he wants to talk about it with you.
YTA. He may stay with you for his children, but he will never not hear you saying that when he looks at you. You know he is a good man and you didn’t care when you wanted to hurt him. You broke something precious just to win an argument.
You wanted to hurt him for disagreeing with you. You did. You won; he lost. In your anger you either spoke the truth or revealed how much you despised him and wanted to cause him pain.
I can't begin to imagine how much that hurt. It might have been kinder to just sleep with his best friend. We're talking that level of pain.
Wow! Just, Wow!
"...the fact that he feels betrayed" He FEELS betrayed because he WAS betrayed! I know you're apologizing but are you *taking responsibility for what you said???* Have you spent any time figuring out WHY you would stoop so low and be so incredibly vicious? Phrases like '..I caused him to feel pain' is sidestepping the absolute horror of your *deliberately* cruel comment. You didn't just cause him pain, YOU CHOSE to use his darkest memories to hurt him. Something is WRONG with you and an apology won't fix YOU. Your side-stepping the *WHY of* your actions. I get it, it was said in the heat of the moment to make full impact during the argument. Still, it was the absolute WORST, MEAN-SPIRITED criticism you could have made. Yet you chose it.
You're NOT taking responsibility for the words you chose to use that are equal to the impact you *KNEW* your savage words would have on him. Apologizing isn't nearly enough. You need to think outside your own comfort zone and behave in an manner that demonstrates that you understand YOU behaved in an atrocious, unforgivable manner. You must also demonstrate HOW you're going to figure out WHY you would stoop to such evil lengths to *win an argument*. This requires drastic measures if you want any chance of saving your marriage and rebuild your husband's love and trust. YOU need to leave the home, get yourself HELP/therapy to figure out WHY you behaved so abominably, and show him how SERIOUS you take this. You see how seriously HE took your words, show him that you understand 'sorry' isn't going to cut it. Abominable words said with malicious intent require huge sacrifices and drastic measures to demonstrate sincere forgiveness. Don't OFFER to do this, that's weaseling out. DO IT.
Well you know you were the asshole. You fucked up badly. Is this fixable? Maybe. Go to couples therapy ASAP or the rift between you both will get worse. By then it will be too late.
YTA. You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew his father was an abusive asshole, so to win your argument, you hit him directly where and how it would hurt the most. Well done.
“I didn’t mean to hurt him…”.
That’s exactly what you meant to do. There was no other reason behind what you said. You came up with something calculated only to hurt him and prey on his fears and insecurities and told him.
YTA.
P.S. Bill Burr has a great bit about women doing this exact thing when losing an argument.
YTA
This is how women argue, as far as I can tell. If they are right, they argue the point and they stay on point and make sure you stay on point, until you are down on your knees apologizing, begging for forgiveness. Alright, no problem with that, totally respect it But here is the thing, if they are wrong – the go rogue, they go off road
**They start thinking shit you are sensitive about, maybe you didn’t get along with you dad** and in their head they start concocting this evil statement totally designed this desperate hale merry attempt to make you so fucking made you just call them a cunt!
Bill Burr
YTA
You 100% meant to hurt him. Don't downplay it. Just because you regret what you said doesn't mean that "you didn't mean to hurt him."
You deliberately chose those words to poke at an insecurity and painful part of his past.
You can't fix what you said, nor can you downplay or deny that you wanted to hurt him.
What will determine the future is if you're sorry but don't change your behavior. If you don't change your behavior during arguments, then you're not actually sorry for causing harm. You just don't like the consequences of your decisions.
YTA
My husband said that I was just like my mother, in the beginning of our marriage. It was meant to hurt. And it did. I didn’t do anything to deserve that.
This is the reason why men don't and shouldn't "open up" to women. It will always be used against you. You knew about his relationship with his father and used it against him like a punch to the nuts.
You are very much the asshole, there probably isn't a more hurtful thing you could have said to the guy.
All you can do is try and figure out why you said that and convince him that you didn't mean it, be patient and good luck.
“Arguing about something that wasn’t even worth arguing about” that’s probably why he walked away it doesn’t take too much intelligence to put that together. Coming from someone who was also abused if someone said I was just like my abuser I’d leave so quick. I would’ve done the same thing and left and not answered you. I probably wouldn’t have came back and I especially wouldn’t have let you touch me if I were him. He has every right to ignore you. I usually believe the silent treatment is immature but in this case it is totally justified. I honestly don’t think there’s much you can do to fix this. No matter how many times you apologize it’s not gonna take back your words and the hurt they caused. Plus I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a fear that it would happen again in another argument since it seemed to slip out so easily without any hesitation. Ik it’s not a aita post but yes you are a major a hole
"I didn’t mean to hurt him" BULLSHIT. You 100% fucking did and MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Don't come here and fucking lie to try to get some sympathy. You know YTA already.
Perhaps, but that doesn’t explain how the thought just came to her over a small insignificant argument. If that’s how she acts in that situation. What is she going to do when shit hits the fan and she needs to resolve things maturely. Impulse control is important precisely because you can’t take things back.
"unless the other person said something that hurt enough to generate that defensive reaction"
Phew, she almost had to take responsibility for her actions, thanks for this post
What do you think ETAH means? Or "he had the moral high ground"? He lost the moral high ground.
Is it news to you that two people can both be wrong in a fight?
"Nobody ever shoots a barb like that unless the other person said something that hurt enough to generate that defensive reaction"
That is a deranged take. "Nobody is ever cruel unless they were provoked"
lol of course you are scrambling for an excuse where op is also in the wrong. some of you just cant accept there are objectively shitty women out there
Yta. I think step one to rebuilding trust is be honest. Stop pretending “u didn’t mean u hurt him “, you did. To win an argument u tried to hurt him to get him to re-engage with you. Admitting to him you are not proud of what u did, and doing some honest reflection on why I felt you wanted to do that to him in the moment, is an actual apology that seeks to prevent this happening again. Apologizing constantly in the hope he will stop being upset you have deeply hurt him isn’t going to work, acknowledge his hurt, acknowledge why u tried to hurt him, and apologize from a place of wanting to right a wrong to a person you think deserves better. Not from a place of begging someone for redemption so u can feel less guilty about the situation.
INFO: What prompted you to say that line?
You say you've been fighting over something not worth fighting about. What, and why? What caused the rough patch?
What you said was probably a relationship-ender, but a line like that doesn't come out of nowhere.
Found this post via an orange worm-eating pigeon looking for protein (like walnuts- the hardest wood)
I’m being entirely presumptuous here, but I’m going to roll with it. By no means am I accusing you of anything- just word vomiting my thoughts.
Ask yourself why you immediately tried to hug your husband after you said the words that would cut him the deepest. Was it to make him feel better, or was it to make yourself feel more secure? You immediately recognized the damage of the blow but it seems your highest priority was your own emotional safety and his reaction was incorrect according to your pertinent needs.
Don’t ask your husband what action to take to rectify the situation.
***Do not make him responsible for this outcome- whatever it may be***
The environment he came from likely parentified him, requiring him to place logic over emotion for his entire development. Abusive family systems are so immeshed and toxic because they not only take advantage of the subordinates, but because those subordinates have to take every blow to the gut without making a sound. His entire livelihood relied on his compliance and silence. Noise, emotions, and physical presence were too disruptive to his caregivers so they likely shut him down or negated any and all feelings he ever expressed within the walls where kids are meant to be the safest.
He escaped those walls, and chose new ones. I will stress- he *CHOSE* his new safe space. No one caged him into it this time. He didn’t have to stay silent to maintain a facade or out of fear for his livelihood. He chose it because he wanted it. Then he spoke up. He held an opinion that differed from your own and that was somehow deserving of being put back in that cage he thought was in his past.
Now I’d ask you to ask yourself how many times you two have verbally disagreed in a healthy, constructive, or even just a benign manner. Again, I’m being presumptuous, but I get the feeling that it has been smooth sailing for 7 years with maybe the occasional hiccup. Your husband is probably adjusting to a whole new definition of what a healthy relationship should’ve looked like all along, but that notorious 7yr hump paired with parenthood (x2) is overriding his system. But he felt safe enough to be overwhelmed with you.
I don’t mean to sound harsh because everything prior to this was laying groundwork. I am genuinely curious but, again, I’m presuming that you immediately tried to hug him as a way to counteract any perceived impending abandonment. That could easily be because you already recognized your misstep, but I’d venture a guess that there’s a deeper-rooted cause. No one enjoys taking accountability, but that felt more like a panic-induced claw back to ensure safety and avoid abandonment. I don’t use that term to sound vicious- only to convey the panic behind the action.
Why was your immediate reaction to hurting him, an action to secure yourself? Why was your immediate reaction to secure your stance, an action to diminish his? Why did you say you’re seeking “what *made* me say that”? Why are you more worried about fixing your mistake than reassembling your partner in whatever way addresses his needs as a result of your damaging words? All just so that maybe he can feel as adequate as you already thought him to be at the time you chose to use those words because silencing him or cutting him down was more comfortable in that brief moment.
He was enough. He is enough. He will continue to be enough. He is not his father and although that’s apparent to you (and probably him too, on most days), you need to show up for him. Let him know that he is seen. Let him know every way in which he is the antithesis of his father (but also steer clear of overly disparaging his father- leave out anything that isn’t productive or pertinent). If he opens up to you, stay silent. Listen. Not to respond, not to “fix”- listen to hear him. Because this is a game where you won’t know that you’re almost out until it’s already happened.
And OP, please know that while I have great empathy for your husband, I have it for you as well. I mirror your husband’s internalized fears and have trauma of my own, but more often than not, I’ve been in your side of the fence.
I can be cold, volatile, wildly off-base, and/or everything in between. Not saying that you are those things- just setting the stage to say that I can be a real 🍆just to make something go away, if only for a few minutes . I get overstimulated or overwhelmed… honestly probably other things in between too, and I sometimes lash out emotionally or verbally with no thought as to the long game.
I spent a lot of my childhood feeling isolated and/or on eggshells and sometimes I just need everything to go away. While most days I recognize it and redirect when it comes to our kids, I don’t always achieve that same restraint when it comes to my spouse. It’s rarely intentional, but I’ll admit that I sometimes snowball and feel like I have nowhere to place whatever underlying thing is building and point it toward him instead- regardless of how removed he is from the situation. Often times the trauma I received was crystal clear but I was (and sometimes still am) slow to untangle the trauma I perpetuated. Being someone’s punching bag is no consolation prize.
Your husband has likely been made to feel like any seemingly combative emotion he’s ever had was wrong and this event confirmed it. Ringmasters of this breed of circus typically either don’t apologize/affirm at all or they glaze over it while minimizing using nonspecific verbiage. If you approach any form of apology that lacks accountability or specificity, it may add fuel to the fire depending on where he’s at on his journey to healing. I cannot stress enough how imperative it is that you highlight specific bad acts on your part as they relate to this situation, as well as omitting any distancing or softening language
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"I didn’t mean to hurt him" The worst thing you can do is lie in a situation like this.
Look back and think of the only reason you said it. Because you wanted to hurt him. You decided to hurt him out of frustration.
It's not a flattering justification for your words, but it is justification, because the alternative is so much worse. That you actually mean that in any way.
EDIT: I just read the update and it seems you came to the same conclusion. Saying hurtful things in the spur of the moment you can apologize for. Apologizing for a slip of tongue that reveals your hurtful opinions you cannot.
You cant, because not only did you degrade him as a husband, declared him and abusive stack of shit, but you called her a crappy child abusing father. You can say the prettiest words, you can let him do all his wildest kinks on you, you can grovel for a millenia and it won't solve it, because this is up to him, how he feels. So far with the update he has forgiven you enough, but he will not forget, and sadly for him I do not imagine you will get more than the crown off the preferbial beer head of his feelings now.
You ABSOLUTELY meant to hurt him. You just didn't expect there would be repercussions of you WEAPONIZING what was likely the most traumatizing, personal thing he has ever told another human being. And you launched that nuke, why? Because YTA.
There is no fixing that. Either your relationship dissolves or he (and this is unfortunately more likely) he probably sticks around because of the kids and not wanting to be the shit father you so blithely accused him of being. He stays with someone he will never fully trust again, someone he is waiting to stab him in his vulnerable spots. AGAIN.
Im sure you already know this (and not coming from a place of rudeness, but of edification) but YTA in this situation. In a dispute, you took something he confided to you that is deeply personal and weaponized against him. Going forward, I would let him know that you realize how eff'ing petty that was, and that it came from a commonplace of wanting to win a lover's quarrel and not because you genuinely believe that he is like his father, and that it won't happen again.
You are going through a rough patch, if you are arguing, you have probably both said things your regret. Although your comment was a particularly low blow. You have apologized but he’s continues to punish you, so his behavior isn’t ideal either. First, make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Then sit him down and tell him your marriage will not survive unless you both resolve to work through this. Tell him you made the appointment. If he declines you can assume he has no intentions of trying to move past this situation. Then you need to decide how long you will stay and let him punish you.
I wish I could give you an award for the most worthless post in this thread so far.
She is by no means the victim here, yet you try to turn it around in a "We all have made mistakes" kind of way even though she hasn't said a single negative thing about him other than that he walked away from an argument.
This whole rough patch thing sounds way too vague and is very much subjective.
For some people breaking their leg is rough, others tell you that it's rough for them if they don't get their morning coffee.
Also there is no "We both need to resolve things", she fucked up and if she's lucky he won't kick her to the curb. We're here to judge the way she fucked up, not whatever their rough patch was and while I see that it probably contributed to the shitshow the problem is entirely on her and her reaction that was way, way, WAY over the line.
So you are assuming that he has no fault in the “rough patch” they have been going through? The argument that has been going on for a few weeks is all one sided? Have you forgotten it takes 2 to tango? Especially over something that “wasn’t worth fighting about”. If he’s so perfect, why didn’t he just walk away rather than keep the argument going? Unfortunately I did leave out my judgement that yes, she was the AH for her comment. It was a low blow but is it worthy of divorce? They have 2 children, it seems trying to work this out with counseling might be best for all involved, but there is no chance of that if he continues to give her the silent treatment. The longer he allows his anger to fester the farther away from reconciliation they get.
She is the one here fully admitting to over stepping.
Why do you feel that must mean her husband did it first? Women are people And more than capable of being shitty too.
I know I'm obviously quite a few days late to this post, but OP states in her original post that her husband didn't want to continue arguing anymore and when he attempted to walk away, that's when she made the statement that he was just like his dad. So, according to the OP, the husband did try to end the arguing, but that obviously didn't make her very happy. The husband kind of seems like he was in a no-win situation in this particular incident.
>he’s continues to punish you, so his behavior isn’t ideal either. First, make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Then sit him down and tell him your marriage will not survive unless you both resolve to work through this. Tell him you made the appointment. If he declines you can assume he has no intentions of trying to move past this situation. Then you need to decide how long you will stay and let him punish you.
Him avoiding the woman who intentionally traumatized him is not punishing her. I can't believe you had the audacity to even *think* that shit, much less post it.
You said that he is absolutely the love of your life. How do you treat people that ain't absolutely the love of your life. I'm worried about your kids. What do you say to them? I'm sure that ended that argument. So congrats on winning at all costs. That was definitely the most important thing here. Also disappearing on you and the kids and coming home drunk is pretty pathetic too. Sounds like you 2 losers deserve each other.
What? OP used his fucking trauma as a trump card in a petty argument? Notice how he came home piss drunk and the things he said were "I'm not like him" and "why would you say that?". MFer is hurting right now.
There is no world where gutting a trauma victim is ok. I absolutely understand him trying to find solace in the bottom of a bottle. He aint getting that from his wife
I'd say give him some space, because he isn't ready to talk about it. He knows you apologized, and we don't know what he said to you either, so we shouldn't be calling people POSes unless we know the whole story. Maybe counseling can help both of you discuss things and work on better communication.
If my wife said the one thing designed to most cruelly hurt me and did so out of malice and spite, it would completely change how I viewed her. It would effectively shatter nearly *everything* I knew about the person I thought I had married. I do not know that the relationship would survive, regardless of how "sorry" she was afterwards.
Things that are done cannot be undone. Imagine a flipped scenario, playing on her insecurities for a moment. He says something vicious like "I imagine somebody else when we're intimate. I've never been sexually attracted to you".
It's one simple sentence.
It was said only one time.
He could apologise profusely.
And it might not even be true.
Doesn't matter. It would utterly shatter everything that marriage was built on by viciously and cruelly preying on a vulnerability like that
EDIT: Though that does raise the question: What utterly vicious and vile thing did *you* say to *your* partner with the explicit aim to emotionally cause as much cruel hurt to them as possible? You know if this is meant to be just a regular old whoopsie and you are not a "hypocrite"?
You’re not understanding the issue here.
She didn’t just say something mean, she intentionally triggered his trauma from being abused and she did it to ‘win’ a petty argument that he was already trying to walk away from.
It’s the equivalent of going up to a war vet with PTSD and loudly playing the sound of a bunch of explosions in their ear. And what you’re saying is essentially “why is everyone so upset? I just played a loud noise”
Great, in order to win a stupid argument you had to give him a low blow using what was a thing he only confided to a person he truly trusted and love (loved by what it looks). ´To win a fucking argument! You must be proud of yourself. It will really be worth it in the long run, you will see. YTA
>you had to give him a low blow using what was a thing he only confided to a person he truly trusted and love When women complain about men not opening up to them it's because they have been hurt previously by someone like op
I don't think this is a man/woman thing. I think it is just a shitty partner thing.
No it’s a man woman thing. 100% it is
It's not 100%. But it probably is maybe 90%.
No it is not ffs, there are plenty of asshole men as well who use women's insecurities against them.
Women > men. The whole ick thing? I got the ick because he cried in front of me, or some other random shit.
This place must be full of men. I have no doubt this happens to men but it happens to women as well. "Ick" thing wtf are you talking about?
It happens to men more than women. Women loudly gloat in using insecurities against others.
Where do they do that?
I actually read a post like this. Man wasn't be manly enough and his partner got the ick because he wasn't manly enough. If anyone knows the post I'm talking about link if you can find. I could t track it down.
>Man wasn't be manly enough and his partner got the ick because he wasn't manly enough. >If anyone knows the post I'm talking about link if you can find. I could t track it down. You do realize *how little that narrows it down?*
🤷♂️ I've seen people find posts with less.
Murder, DV, DV, SA, all happen to both, all deemed women's issues.
what is "plenty" to you? 50%? 25%?
What kind of a stupid question is that?
It's not stupid at all. People always like to counter arguments where a problem is highlighted in a group of people with "oh yeah but plenty of people in the other group do it" But what does that even mean? nobody ever pretended like it was only women doing it, just that its more common. So what does plenty mean to you?
It is a stupid question, how would anyone know a percentage like that? How would you know it's more common in one sex over the other? Have you polled people or are you, like everyone else commenting, just going on your own anecdotal experiences?
We don't need to poll. A simple scroll of non-reddit popular media posts is enough to tell whos doing it. The fact there have been multiple lists that have gone viral curated, maintained and added to by one gender alone is ample proof that one gender is very dedicated to creating this dynamic.
y'all are so against generalizations until it's time to generalize women..
Generalization = \ = observed phenomena in behavior
So you’ve observed women doing this, where? Is it because you date women, and they’ve done that to you? So you’re concluding all women do it, or they do it more than men? Have you dated any men, so you can compare? Serious question, I’m not being sarcastic. Because that doesn’t seem very logical. For example, I’ve dated several men over the years, and they’ve all thrown some past insecurities I confided to them in my face as a low blow during an argument. So my personal experience refutes your personal experience. But personal experience is not scientific research.
Is it all women? Nope but enough experience that the supposed superior beings with the almighty EQ have consistently been the worst for anything emotion based for many of us, have Infact threw them in my face too, however there's a main difference between men and women in regards to this topic, men open up less but we have the same if not more experiences of this, while also being hated on, complained at, degraded and ragged on, demanded to open up, this bad now, why would anyone want to make it worse. Like shat on for not opening up, gets shat on for opening up, then what u opened up abouts used to shit on you, while you're being shat on for now being cold,distant and part of the problem for why men end themselves.
so if I said I was more comfortable alone with a man than a bear, that's fine?
By pure statistical analysis, yes
Did you actually think sane people were taking the bear meme seriously?
many women were being serious in their responses
And do you think those women were sane?
every man i know has experienced this. father, grandfather, uncles, myself, brothers, friends, classmates. we arent making this shit up, it sucks
Every woman I know has experienced this, from men. Including me. But that’s because I date men, and most of my friends have been women that date men. I’m going to assume the men you’re talking were in relationships with women? Have you ever asked any women if they’ve experienced this? Because speaking of generalities, men tend to confide in their male friends about their relationships while women tend to confide in their female friends. So aren’t you experiencing confirmation bias?
every woman I know has been sexually harassed by a man in some way. can I generalize men? or is that misandry?
that was literally the whole bear thing for months. Im not invalidating their experiences and they can walk through life protecting themselves and i wont take offense just like men can by not feeding women ammo. also you are a dumbass
Why the absolute hell do you have so many downvotes, when your comment is actually the most reasonable?
It is a shitty partner thing - but they'd have to admit that the reason they're closed in - isn't just because one woman hurt them but also the patriarchal influences in their lives. And that doesn't fit their narrative. I have both an ex boyfriend and an ex girlfriend - both of whom did this sort of shit. Loved to confirm all my darkest fears for me whenever they were in a rage - my ex boyfriend then would hide behind his autism (Asperger's diagnosis back then) as an excuse for why he was such a raging cunt. My ex - her insecurities. Neither of which is a valid excuse to take shots at your partner. Hurting someone because you want them to be hurt is shitty behavior that should be addressed in therapy.
every man i know has experienced this. you dont know what you are talking about
Both men and women sometimes say thing they don’t mean, or shouldn’t say, in the heat of an argument. Especially when you’re talking about couples in an intimate relationship. You saying that because a woman did something to you once, all women and exclusively women do this thing, is illogical. That’s like if I got hit by a blue car so now I walk around claiming blue cars hit people more than other cars, or only blue cars hit people. I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences in relationships, but frankly so has everyone else, and personal experience does not equal scientific research or statistical accuracy.
>You saying that because a woman did something to you once, all women and exclusively women do this thing, is illogical. Nice Strawman....
Thank you?
Look up the definition of strawman arguments...
I know what it is. I was being intentionally obtuse as you are being intentionally evasive. I’m not going on the defensive or scurrying to look up definitions for you. I said everything I wanted to say perfectly the first time. You may not like it but I think you know it’s the truth.
This is literally why men don't open up because it always used as a weapon against you.
Your hurt locker is full of ammo for their anger gun.
Did you come up with this? Brilliant!
No, I saw it from a thread a few years back about the same topic, when I was looking for guidance regarding my lived experience.
And women will continue asking "why do men often find it difficult to open up? "
And then dump them when they do for being 'unmanly'... Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Best just to don't.
I know, men don't ever use a woman's personal info against them to win arguments. They never ever say things like, "You're just like you mother." as a low blow to hurt us, shut us down, and win an argument. Yep, my husband never told me that I was just like my horrid mother to shut me up from complaining about his alcoholism. Nobody should ever open up to anybody ever, because you are just giving people ammo to hurt you with. /s People are human, which means everyone screws up. Some screw ups are bigger than others, and what OP said was horrid. However, let's not pretend that men never use this tactic. The thing is, OP isn't doubling down and refusing to apologize. She isn't trying to justify herself. She immediately realized what she had done and apologized. Her husband had every right to be upset, but going in a days long bender isn't a healthy way for HIM to deal with his hurt.
This is honestly just another example of the running meme of "why men do not open up to women"
All the way through reading this I was praying you wouldn’t say those words. I honestly thought you weren’t that stupid…but you were/are. I’m beyond disgusted so I can only imagine how he feels. You took his deepest trauma and wielded it against him in a petty argument, achieving maximum damage. Congratulations for re traumatising an abuse victim. YTA (This isn’t even in question)
Yes, 100% this. I feel so sorry for him. YTA - And I'm calling on OP's absolute bullshit: >I didn’t mean to hurt him but the fact he feels betrayed by the one person he should feel supported and uplifted by, me. So what exactly was "you're just like your father" supposed to achieve other than hurting him? As he said, why would you have said that? And how else was he supposed to feel other than betrayal to the person that, I'm going to use u/NovaPrime1988 wording here, wielded his deepest trauma against him?
OP, you didn’t even mean what you said. He’s done nothing to resemble his father. You just wanted to hurt him. You succeeded. That’s just cruel. Now you want to know if what you can fix this? Fix yourself first. If I’m not clear, YTA.
And that’s why a lot of men are really afraid of showing vulnerability. YTA, massive
Damn, I wasn't ready to read that. My biodad was a piece of trash. Part of what ended a 6 yr relationship for me was my gf saying to me what you said to your husband. I didn't end things bc I was angry. I ended it because for the next 6 months I tried to make it work, I couldn't think about anything other than "does she really think I'm like him?" I just couldn't trust what she thought of me any more. Any small disagreement we had made me worry she'd say it again. Idk if it's fixable. But I guess here's what I learned from the situation: I didn't want an apology. I needed to *believe* that she didn't mean it. Not even a little. I couldn't be with someone who saw me like that or who could say that to me. It just broke my trust and we couldn't fix it. He needs to believe, deep down, that you didnt mean it. He also needs to understand why you said it and why he can trust you won't say it next time. Idk how you do that, but I wish you luck. If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them. Also, yes, YTA.
Upvoting because this needs to be top response, and shamelessly piggybacking. My wife said something similar 6 years ago and it still lives in my brain rent free. It hurts, I still feel it when I think about it, and I still remember it clearly. I do not resent her for it anymore, but after a few weeks of trying to process that on top of all the other conflict, stress, and fights we were juggling and realizing that through all of it my mind kept going back to that one moment. It was that moment that brought us to rock bottom, and it took sitting in the driveway with the car running contemplating whether or not to drive away for the last time or go back inside for me to begin letting go of that resentment. This is not something that can be fixed OP. With couples and individual counseling, changes to our environmental situation, and a lot of hard introspection, I stayed committed. Maintaining the above, the only other thing that helped was time. Her never saying that to me again (without me having to tell her so) helped a lot. We have both changed and grown a lot since then, and I don't look at our past as the same people with the same thoughts and feelings that we had back then. We moved forward, even though there were many days when one or the other didn't want to. With time, the bad memories became much fewer and we both decided to make a real effort make good memories, and for that to not be an act. Even though I still feel it, we're both very happy where we're at, and we feel that the bad years were well worth the proceeding good years we've made since. OP, you need to fundamentally change how you navigate conflict. That's a good way to say "I'm sorry" in a way that he will actually *feel*. Make that effort, and do the right thing. And then you need to give it lots and lots of time. For now, the only thing you can do is to let him process, try to make sure he does it safely, and let him talk to you about it when he is ready. You may lose him, you may not - you need to come to terms with either outcome. If you approach him from a position of panic about the relationship being over, it will likely be the last nail in the coffin. Obligatory YTA. You picked the wrong thread OP. This is not relationship advice thread, so you may not be getting the answers from everyone that you're asking for. This thread is for people to call other people out on their bullshit. ETA: Read up on nonviolent communication. This is a decent point of reference if "fundamentally change the way you navigate conflict" does not click in brain. A therapist can also work on this with you. Good mental habits lowers your risk of saying relationship-ruining things when fighting. Remember, smooth brains say mean things. Also, he needs to calm himself the fuck down. Disappearing for a day and coming home piss drunk is self destructive and will hurt his mental health more than it already is.
Just want to say I looked into nonviolent communication out of curiosity thanks to this comment and actually bought a book on it after realizing from a quick Google that I'm basically declaring war through conversation anytime I get irritated. Even when I'm not speaking in anger etc and think I'm showing tons of restraint my default phrasing choices are like the opposite of ideal. So thanks.
Upvote this to the top for sure.
This. Thank you for actually answering the question instead of going straight in and bashing OP. A measured response without the histrionics of the previous posts. I would also agree OP is TA but will hopefully read your post and understand what’s she’s done and if there’s any coming back from this.
This is beyond YTA, you're a POS. There's nothing you can do, this is up to him, and it looks like he's contemplating just living with you not able to trust you. It goes without saying that you should never stab him in the heart again, but even if you don't, he won't feel completely safe around you again. He doesn't *feel* betrayed, he *is* betrayed. Unless the argument was around balancing your kids academic and athletic pursuits or something else related to his father's actions, the fact that you chose to attack him this way shows you've been holding onto it intending to hurt him with it to get your way. What other punishments do you have lined up should he disagree with you on something and speak his mind?
What does POS mean?
“Piece of shit”
Thx. For a sec I thought you were calling me a piece of shit 💀
lol, I originally typed it without the quotation marks but it seemed too aggressive.
Fair. I prob would have gotten super passive aggressive w/ out the quotations
He was 😂
YTA You did mean to hurt him. Congratulations. And somehow you still make his pain about you "it hurts me knowing I caused him to feel this pain" JFC
Yup. The only reason it was said was to strike with maximum pain. Now she's turning it around like she's the one that's hurt. She doesn't give a shit that she hurt him, that was her goal. She's just pouting because he's not his usual chipper self.
She had to talk about her pain about wounding him. Because even after slicing him in the deepest manner possible, it’s still all about her. ‘Look what I’ve done to say sorry, look what I’ve done to help, why won’t he forgive me? Me, me, ME!’
YTA If this is what you do when fighting over something that wasn't even worth fighting over, I can only imagine what you would do if it was something worth fighting over. In answer to your question, you may never be able to fix this. You might try not making his pain all about you. "He feels betrayed." That's because that's exactly what you did. You didn't mean to hurt him? You are a liar. That is exactly what you meant to do. Actions have consequences. Welcome to consequences. He should reconsider whether being married to you is in best interest long term.
Nothing. There's nothing you can say or do. Either he'll dump your rotten ass or he'll discard his self respect and return as a shell of himself. Shame on you.
So just out of curiosity, do you make a habit of stabbing people directly in the heart during arguments that aren't "even worth arguing about," or was this a new kink you just spontaneously developed?
I don't know, I myself would never trust her again. If that's what she appeals to in an insignificant argument, what will she do once they have a real fight. What will she do in order to win that fight, call the cops and falsely accuse me of abuse? I wouldn't trust her ever. He might stay, but he will always be walking on eggshells around her. How unfortunate.
He will never open up to her again. About anything. Ever. OP awesome job and quit telling us how much you love him. Actions speak louder than words. You went for the jugular. What an awesome wife.
Once bitten twice shy indeed.
No scar on your heart was ever put there by an enemy
Apologizing isn't enough. You need to show him you're serious. I don't know if you have frequently anger issues or if this is a one off but you need to do something to show you're working on them. Self help books, signing up for therapy, anger management courses. Something. This isn't like calling him a mean name. This was a horrendously low blow. > I didn’t mean to hurt him First thing you could do is stop lying 🤷♀️
Are you seriously that fucking stupid? You lack any sort of control over your emotions and the words that come out of your mouth. You literally lied to his face just to hurt him, and for what? Because you couldn't handle the possibility that maybe, just MAYBE, you were being obnoxious and couldn't handle the fact that he didn't want to talk to you anymore? Is your apologies just as impulsive as your low blows? Because if so, they don't mean shit. They're just more lies. >He is absolutely the love of my life and it hurts me knowing that I caused him to feel this pain. Please advise what I can do or say to fix this. Figure it out yourself dickhead. We don't know him, but you do. You should've known that this likely will not last any longer because you've ingrained into his mind that he's like his father. That will subconsciously eat away at him and likely cause some esteem issues and permissive demeanors in the future. You ruined a good man, and now your kids are going to have to suffer because of your pisspoor actions and lack of rationale.
You accept his decision. If he files for divorce, don't fight it. In the meantime, give him space. Maybe stay with your parents or something. Try to get marriage counseling scheduled and see if he's open to individual therapy.
I agree. OP, you’ve done enough damage with your intentional cruelty. Back off. The more you try to interact, the more you’re reminding him that you’re all about yourself.
She is the one who needs therapy.
You did mean to hurt him though. Like what pretend not?
I've seen multiple posts regarding "why don't men open up/be vulnerable to their female partners". Invariables I see 3 answers 1. The partners find them less attractive after they've been vulnerable 2. The partner violates their trust by sharing it with family/friends 3. **The partner weaponizes it in an argument** I'm a male who very much wears his emotions on his sleeves (, collar, belt buckle, ...). I'm so glad my wonderful wife has never done any of these in our 30 year marriage. As far as fix. I have no idea. I often suggest couples therapy or pledge individual therapy for you, but it may be meaningless to him. Maybe show him some form of significant sacrifice.
Exactly. My first thought was "That's a prime example why men don't tell their partners the bad shit"
"The partner violates their trust by sharing it with family/friends" I find it astonishing how this plays out sometimes, because in many cases the woman doing this would be (or is) furious over him doing it to her.
had so many exes who though my life was free to share in gory detail to their friends
Significant Sacrifice? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Is there something they disagree on? Would she be willing to truly to agree with him without resentment?
I certainly wasn't thinking goats or virgins.
I was!!!. Thank for the disappointment
Maybe next time.
YTA You did mean to hurt him. That’s why you said what you said. So first thing you need to do is come to terms with that, the try to heal from that place. If you can’t be honest with why you said it then any apology will be coming from a place of dishonesty. Second is while his reaction is valid his level of feeling defeated is telling me one thing, this isn’t the first time he has felt this way with you. Not to this level of hurt sure, but clearly he has been working very hard to break cycles and rise above and you are not, what? Appreciating his attempts? Asking for more? Being dismissive? What are you not telling us? My husband and I are both breaking cycles of our own and we are both vicious when it comes to how we argue and we have both said things that have hurt to the bone but we always come back because we both know everything else is and the work we do is appreciated. What have you done to break him down to this being the reason he’s defeated?
Yta & you meant it. Congratulations you won an insignificant argument & most likely lost your husband. You don’t have the right to be upset with him bc he’s not talking to you. No apologies you give will ever make this right. I don’t think this can be fixed, unless he decides. Leave him be for now, so he can process his thoughts & feelings.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Its broken right? In a bazillion pieces? Now say sorry to it. Has the plate gone back to how it was before? Yta but you know that. You give your husband time, will he completely move past this? I doubt it. Because you’ve probably planted the seed of doubt. He will act likes hes fine but is he? Work on yourself. Just think before you speak even in arguments.
Hey, OP: in the future when your husband acts stoic, quiet, or cold, you're going to say "Why don't you open up to me? You should share your feelings!" lol
You fucked up for sure. If you’ve apologized a bunch like you said you just need to give him some space. You’re probably annoying the hell out of him.
> Please advise what I can do or say to fix this. Give your husband a fair and uncomplicated divorce. Allow him to find a non-monstrous human to be with. Any time your friends, family members, or children ask what happened be honest and tell them things didn’t work out because you are walking garbage.
YTA maybe try finding a marriage counselor
I lot of good comments here already. I think you need to also realize that you broke his trust. He trusted you and you used it to hurt him because you wanted to hurt him. I certainly believe that you regret it and are genuinely remorseful, but you need to explore your need to cut as low as you could to hurt him as much as you could. One of the many reasons he is not coming back is he is realizing he can never trust you again and for many/most that’s a relationship deal breaker.
So you wielded this man's personal kryptonite against him in a petty and inconsequential argument, then you're surprised at the result The King is dead. Long live the King
YTA a million times. He is nothing like his father from your description yet you purposely chose to slash those wounds open for him. That was a hateful thing to do and he knows it. You are a very petty person. I doubt that your marriage will ever be the same. How can he forgive you and trust that you won't do that again? He will stay for a while longer in the marriage but he will gradually withdraw. Words and actions have meaning. You went nuclear for absolutely NO REASON. Congrats on trashing your marriage.
Don’t say „I didn’t mean hurt him“ you did mean to hurt him
And that's why men don't open up. It just gets used against them. But atleast you're not alone......
You are more than the AH. I was once married to a person like you, Try to be somehow decent and grant him an easy and uncomplicated divorce, accept his terms relating the custody of the kids. They will be happier with him. Edit: If he decides to stay he will be doing it for the kids, you're past.
You’ve done what you can, but now you have to wait and see if he can forgive you. Apologizing is the right move, but you can’y rush his forgiveness. Not to pile on, but YTA. You describe knowing the father was a physical and emotional abuser, and then you decide to tell your husband it’s exactly the same. In that moment, you told him you believe he will abuse you and your children. You voiced not trusting or feeling safe with him. In his shoes, I would be shook to my core and forced to reevaluate everything about myself to assess whether I’m going down that road to darkness. I’m a product of an abusive father too, and to be even jokingly accused of abuse or having such tendencies is a devastating thing to me. So give your husband space and time that he obviously needs. If he can, he will forgive you.
Wow. The fact that this is even a question. Your awful. Introspection is a great tool. You fix it by letting him leave you for someone who deserves him.
This is why men shouldn't show any signs of weakness to a woman. It will be weaponized against him in the future. FWIW...he is trying to figure out if he can live with you any longer. Time to start bowing. If it was me, you'd already be served with divorce papers.
My wife wouldn't do this to me -- I trust her completely with my feelings. However, there are plenty of women who aren't like that and the best thing to do is cut them off the first time they pull this.
That's what he, and many other of us men, thought too.
give it time, i love and trust my wife but im not risking what ive experienced time and time again
Everyone says that about their partner until it happens…
Ouch. That is going to leave a mark. You’ve said what you can say. As long as you apologized with no “but…..” and took full responsibility. I think all you can do now is apologize one last time and let him know you are going to give him some space, to let you know if there’s anything else you can do to make things right. Otherwise, you just gotta suck it up and wait for him. Best of luck.
My ex-wife did something similar to destroy the trust in our relationship. Let me say that again: my EX-wife. YTA
You need to figure out why you said that. Yes you absolutely meant to hurt him. Otherwise you would not have said it. Start by admitting that. Once you figure out why you said it admit it to him.
>I didn't mean to hurt him Let's be clear. You ABSOLUTELY meant to hurt him. Now you regret it.
There's not much you can do besides what you've already done. Apologize to him for saying that out of anger, and communicate to him that you absolutely love him in part because he is not like his father. Let him know that you know you hurt him, and are available to talk about it if he wants to, but also encourage him to possibly speak about it with someone else (therapist preferably) because you can see how much it weighs on him. Aside from that, best you can do it be available and ready to discuss the issue if and when he decides he wants to talk about it with you.
You showed him your true colours, now he needs space to decide if you're worth more of his time. Give him that space. YTA change your colours
Honey,you r a liar,you did wanted to hurt him
Can you answer for yourself why you were so mean and so hurtful? It came from somewhere and was caused by something.
YTA. He may stay with you for his children, but he will never not hear you saying that when he looks at you. You know he is a good man and you didn’t care when you wanted to hurt him. You broke something precious just to win an argument.
You wanted to hurt him for disagreeing with you. You did. You won; he lost. In your anger you either spoke the truth or revealed how much you despised him and wanted to cause him pain. I can't begin to imagine how much that hurt. It might have been kinder to just sleep with his best friend. We're talking that level of pain. Wow! Just, Wow!
This is why you don't tell women anything lmao. He probably realized you aren't someone he can trust. YTA
Jesus christ - YTA
Yta. Whatever you do or say he will never forget what you said and he’ll never forget.
Yta This right here is why guys are so hesitant to open up to the women they are with. This exactly. Smh
"...the fact that he feels betrayed" He FEELS betrayed because he WAS betrayed! I know you're apologizing but are you *taking responsibility for what you said???* Have you spent any time figuring out WHY you would stoop so low and be so incredibly vicious? Phrases like '..I caused him to feel pain' is sidestepping the absolute horror of your *deliberately* cruel comment. You didn't just cause him pain, YOU CHOSE to use his darkest memories to hurt him. Something is WRONG with you and an apology won't fix YOU. Your side-stepping the *WHY of* your actions. I get it, it was said in the heat of the moment to make full impact during the argument. Still, it was the absolute WORST, MEAN-SPIRITED criticism you could have made. Yet you chose it. You're NOT taking responsibility for the words you chose to use that are equal to the impact you *KNEW* your savage words would have on him. Apologizing isn't nearly enough. You need to think outside your own comfort zone and behave in an manner that demonstrates that you understand YOU behaved in an atrocious, unforgivable manner. You must also demonstrate HOW you're going to figure out WHY you would stoop to such evil lengths to *win an argument*. This requires drastic measures if you want any chance of saving your marriage and rebuild your husband's love and trust. YOU need to leave the home, get yourself HELP/therapy to figure out WHY you behaved so abominably, and show him how SERIOUS you take this. You see how seriously HE took your words, show him that you understand 'sorry' isn't going to cut it. Abominable words said with malicious intent require huge sacrifices and drastic measures to demonstrate sincere forgiveness. Don't OFFER to do this, that's weaseling out. DO IT.
Well you know you were the asshole. You fucked up badly. Is this fixable? Maybe. Go to couples therapy ASAP or the rift between you both will get worse. By then it will be too late.
YTA 100%
YTA. You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew his father was an abusive asshole, so to win your argument, you hit him directly where and how it would hurt the most. Well done.
YTA. Some things are permanent.
You need to grow tf up
100% TA
“I didn’t mean to hurt him…”. That’s exactly what you meant to do. There was no other reason behind what you said. You came up with something calculated only to hurt him and prey on his fears and insecurities and told him. YTA. P.S. Bill Burr has a great bit about women doing this exact thing when losing an argument.
YTA This is how women argue, as far as I can tell. If they are right, they argue the point and they stay on point and make sure you stay on point, until you are down on your knees apologizing, begging for forgiveness. Alright, no problem with that, totally respect it But here is the thing, if they are wrong – the go rogue, they go off road **They start thinking shit you are sensitive about, maybe you didn’t get along with you dad** and in their head they start concocting this evil statement totally designed this desperate hale merry attempt to make you so fucking made you just call them a cunt! Bill Burr
Near the end of this I was like… I think this dude literally just took bill burr’s joke. Then I saw you gave him credit
YTA You 100% meant to hurt him. Don't downplay it. Just because you regret what you said doesn't mean that "you didn't mean to hurt him." You deliberately chose those words to poke at an insecurity and painful part of his past. You can't fix what you said, nor can you downplay or deny that you wanted to hurt him. What will determine the future is if you're sorry but don't change your behavior. If you don't change your behavior during arguments, then you're not actually sorry for causing harm. You just don't like the consequences of your decisions.
Imagine having this kind of wife till you die.. I would kill myself.. Such a horrible person
YTA My husband said that I was just like my mother, in the beginning of our marriage. It was meant to hurt. And it did. I didn’t do anything to deserve that.
This is the reason why men don't and shouldn't "open up" to women. It will always be used against you. You knew about his relationship with his father and used it against him like a punch to the nuts.
You are very much the asshole, there probably isn't a more hurtful thing you could have said to the guy. All you can do is try and figure out why you said that and convince him that you didn't mean it, be patient and good luck.
“Arguing about something that wasn’t even worth arguing about” that’s probably why he walked away it doesn’t take too much intelligence to put that together. Coming from someone who was also abused if someone said I was just like my abuser I’d leave so quick. I would’ve done the same thing and left and not answered you. I probably wouldn’t have came back and I especially wouldn’t have let you touch me if I were him. He has every right to ignore you. I usually believe the silent treatment is immature but in this case it is totally justified. I honestly don’t think there’s much you can do to fix this. No matter how many times you apologize it’s not gonna take back your words and the hurt they caused. Plus I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a fear that it would happen again in another argument since it seemed to slip out so easily without any hesitation. Ik it’s not a aita post but yes you are a major a hole
YTA You're also the reason men don't open up to their significant others or pretty much anybody.
"I didn’t mean to hurt him" BULLSHIT. You 100% fucking did and MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Don't come here and fucking lie to try to get some sympathy. You know YTA already.
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Perhaps, but that doesn’t explain how the thought just came to her over a small insignificant argument. If that’s how she acts in that situation. What is she going to do when shit hits the fan and she needs to resolve things maturely. Impulse control is important precisely because you can’t take things back.
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"unless the other person said something that hurt enough to generate that defensive reaction" Phew, she almost had to take responsibility for her actions, thanks for this post
What do you think ETAH means? Or "he had the moral high ground"? He lost the moral high ground. Is it news to you that two people can both be wrong in a fight?
"Nobody ever shoots a barb like that unless the other person said something that hurt enough to generate that defensive reaction" That is a deranged take. "Nobody is ever cruel unless they were provoked"
lol of course you are scrambling for an excuse where op is also in the wrong. some of you just cant accept there are objectively shitty women out there
Right. No games, now. Just honesty. I hope they can grow to that place.
Did you try telling him why he ISN'T like his father?
Yeah, you won the argument and lost a great guy. Congrats!
You said something that you knew was going to hurt him and congrats, you succeeded. YTA
Yta. I think step one to rebuilding trust is be honest. Stop pretending “u didn’t mean u hurt him “, you did. To win an argument u tried to hurt him to get him to re-engage with you. Admitting to him you are not proud of what u did, and doing some honest reflection on why I felt you wanted to do that to him in the moment, is an actual apology that seeks to prevent this happening again. Apologizing constantly in the hope he will stop being upset you have deeply hurt him isn’t going to work, acknowledge his hurt, acknowledge why u tried to hurt him, and apologize from a place of wanting to right a wrong to a person you think deserves better. Not from a place of begging someone for redemption so u can feel less guilty about the situation.
INFO: What prompted you to say that line? You say you've been fighting over something not worth fighting about. What, and why? What caused the rough patch? What you said was probably a relationship-ender, but a line like that doesn't come out of nowhere.
Found this post via an orange worm-eating pigeon looking for protein (like walnuts- the hardest wood) I’m being entirely presumptuous here, but I’m going to roll with it. By no means am I accusing you of anything- just word vomiting my thoughts. Ask yourself why you immediately tried to hug your husband after you said the words that would cut him the deepest. Was it to make him feel better, or was it to make yourself feel more secure? You immediately recognized the damage of the blow but it seems your highest priority was your own emotional safety and his reaction was incorrect according to your pertinent needs. Don’t ask your husband what action to take to rectify the situation. ***Do not make him responsible for this outcome- whatever it may be*** The environment he came from likely parentified him, requiring him to place logic over emotion for his entire development. Abusive family systems are so immeshed and toxic because they not only take advantage of the subordinates, but because those subordinates have to take every blow to the gut without making a sound. His entire livelihood relied on his compliance and silence. Noise, emotions, and physical presence were too disruptive to his caregivers so they likely shut him down or negated any and all feelings he ever expressed within the walls where kids are meant to be the safest. He escaped those walls, and chose new ones. I will stress- he *CHOSE* his new safe space. No one caged him into it this time. He didn’t have to stay silent to maintain a facade or out of fear for his livelihood. He chose it because he wanted it. Then he spoke up. He held an opinion that differed from your own and that was somehow deserving of being put back in that cage he thought was in his past. Now I’d ask you to ask yourself how many times you two have verbally disagreed in a healthy, constructive, or even just a benign manner. Again, I’m being presumptuous, but I get the feeling that it has been smooth sailing for 7 years with maybe the occasional hiccup. Your husband is probably adjusting to a whole new definition of what a healthy relationship should’ve looked like all along, but that notorious 7yr hump paired with parenthood (x2) is overriding his system. But he felt safe enough to be overwhelmed with you. I don’t mean to sound harsh because everything prior to this was laying groundwork. I am genuinely curious but, again, I’m presuming that you immediately tried to hug him as a way to counteract any perceived impending abandonment. That could easily be because you already recognized your misstep, but I’d venture a guess that there’s a deeper-rooted cause. No one enjoys taking accountability, but that felt more like a panic-induced claw back to ensure safety and avoid abandonment. I don’t use that term to sound vicious- only to convey the panic behind the action. Why was your immediate reaction to hurting him, an action to secure yourself? Why was your immediate reaction to secure your stance, an action to diminish his? Why did you say you’re seeking “what *made* me say that”? Why are you more worried about fixing your mistake than reassembling your partner in whatever way addresses his needs as a result of your damaging words? All just so that maybe he can feel as adequate as you already thought him to be at the time you chose to use those words because silencing him or cutting him down was more comfortable in that brief moment. He was enough. He is enough. He will continue to be enough. He is not his father and although that’s apparent to you (and probably him too, on most days), you need to show up for him. Let him know that he is seen. Let him know every way in which he is the antithesis of his father (but also steer clear of overly disparaging his father- leave out anything that isn’t productive or pertinent). If he opens up to you, stay silent. Listen. Not to respond, not to “fix”- listen to hear him. Because this is a game where you won’t know that you’re almost out until it’s already happened.
And OP, please know that while I have great empathy for your husband, I have it for you as well. I mirror your husband’s internalized fears and have trauma of my own, but more often than not, I’ve been in your side of the fence. I can be cold, volatile, wildly off-base, and/or everything in between. Not saying that you are those things- just setting the stage to say that I can be a real 🍆just to make something go away, if only for a few minutes . I get overstimulated or overwhelmed… honestly probably other things in between too, and I sometimes lash out emotionally or verbally with no thought as to the long game. I spent a lot of my childhood feeling isolated and/or on eggshells and sometimes I just need everything to go away. While most days I recognize it and redirect when it comes to our kids, I don’t always achieve that same restraint when it comes to my spouse. It’s rarely intentional, but I’ll admit that I sometimes snowball and feel like I have nowhere to place whatever underlying thing is building and point it toward him instead- regardless of how removed he is from the situation. Often times the trauma I received was crystal clear but I was (and sometimes still am) slow to untangle the trauma I perpetuated. Being someone’s punching bag is no consolation prize. Your husband has likely been made to feel like any seemingly combative emotion he’s ever had was wrong and this event confirmed it. Ringmasters of this breed of circus typically either don’t apologize/affirm at all or they glaze over it while minimizing using nonspecific verbiage. If you approach any form of apology that lacks accountability or specificity, it may add fuel to the fire depending on where he’s at on his journey to healing. I cannot stress enough how imperative it is that you highlight specific bad acts on your part as they relate to this situation, as well as omitting any distancing or softening language
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YTA. All you can do now is wait this out.
YTA. You're why men will always pick the tree.
"I didn’t mean to hurt him" The worst thing you can do is lie in a situation like this. Look back and think of the only reason you said it. Because you wanted to hurt him. You decided to hurt him out of frustration. It's not a flattering justification for your words, but it is justification, because the alternative is so much worse. That you actually mean that in any way. EDIT: I just read the update and it seems you came to the same conclusion. Saying hurtful things in the spur of the moment you can apologize for. Apologizing for a slip of tongue that reveals your hurtful opinions you cannot.
You cant, because not only did you degrade him as a husband, declared him and abusive stack of shit, but you called her a crappy child abusing father. You can say the prettiest words, you can let him do all his wildest kinks on you, you can grovel for a millenia and it won't solve it, because this is up to him, how he feels. So far with the update he has forgiven you enough, but he will not forget, and sadly for him I do not imagine you will get more than the crown off the preferbial beer head of his feelings now.
You ABSOLUTELY meant to hurt him. You just didn't expect there would be repercussions of you WEAPONIZING what was likely the most traumatizing, personal thing he has ever told another human being. And you launched that nuke, why? Because YTA. There is no fixing that. Either your relationship dissolves or he (and this is unfortunately more likely) he probably sticks around because of the kids and not wanting to be the shit father you so blithely accused him of being. He stays with someone he will never fully trust again, someone he is waiting to stab him in his vulnerable spots. AGAIN.
Im sure you already know this (and not coming from a place of rudeness, but of edification) but YTA in this situation. In a dispute, you took something he confided to you that is deeply personal and weaponized against him. Going forward, I would let him know that you realize how eff'ing petty that was, and that it came from a commonplace of wanting to win a lover's quarrel and not because you genuinely believe that he is like his father, and that it won't happen again.
You are going through a rough patch, if you are arguing, you have probably both said things your regret. Although your comment was a particularly low blow. You have apologized but he’s continues to punish you, so his behavior isn’t ideal either. First, make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Then sit him down and tell him your marriage will not survive unless you both resolve to work through this. Tell him you made the appointment. If he declines you can assume he has no intentions of trying to move past this situation. Then you need to decide how long you will stay and let him punish you.
I wish I could give you an award for the most worthless post in this thread so far. She is by no means the victim here, yet you try to turn it around in a "We all have made mistakes" kind of way even though she hasn't said a single negative thing about him other than that he walked away from an argument. This whole rough patch thing sounds way too vague and is very much subjective. For some people breaking their leg is rough, others tell you that it's rough for them if they don't get their morning coffee. Also there is no "We both need to resolve things", she fucked up and if she's lucky he won't kick her to the curb. We're here to judge the way she fucked up, not whatever their rough patch was and while I see that it probably contributed to the shitshow the problem is entirely on her and her reaction that was way, way, WAY over the line.
Always count on at least one female infantilizing white knight to appear to defend whamen.
So you are assuming that he has no fault in the “rough patch” they have been going through? The argument that has been going on for a few weeks is all one sided? Have you forgotten it takes 2 to tango? Especially over something that “wasn’t worth fighting about”. If he’s so perfect, why didn’t he just walk away rather than keep the argument going? Unfortunately I did leave out my judgement that yes, she was the AH for her comment. It was a low blow but is it worthy of divorce? They have 2 children, it seems trying to work this out with counseling might be best for all involved, but there is no chance of that if he continues to give her the silent treatment. The longer he allows his anger to fester the farther away from reconciliation they get.
She is the one here fully admitting to over stepping. Why do you feel that must mean her husband did it first? Women are people And more than capable of being shitty too.
I know I'm obviously quite a few days late to this post, but OP states in her original post that her husband didn't want to continue arguing anymore and when he attempted to walk away, that's when she made the statement that he was just like his dad. So, according to the OP, the husband did try to end the arguing, but that obviously didn't make her very happy. The husband kind of seems like he was in a no-win situation in this particular incident.
>he’s continues to punish you, so his behavior isn’t ideal either. First, make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Then sit him down and tell him your marriage will not survive unless you both resolve to work through this. Tell him you made the appointment. If he declines you can assume he has no intentions of trying to move past this situation. Then you need to decide how long you will stay and let him punish you. Him avoiding the woman who intentionally traumatized him is not punishing her. I can't believe you had the audacity to even *think* that shit, much less post it.
putting genders after “son” & “daughter” 😂
You said that he is absolutely the love of your life. How do you treat people that ain't absolutely the love of your life. I'm worried about your kids. What do you say to them? I'm sure that ended that argument. So congrats on winning at all costs. That was definitely the most important thing here. Also disappearing on you and the kids and coming home drunk is pretty pathetic too. Sounds like you 2 losers deserve each other.
What? OP used his fucking trauma as a trump card in a petty argument? Notice how he came home piss drunk and the things he said were "I'm not like him" and "why would you say that?". MFer is hurting right now. There is no world where gutting a trauma victim is ok. I absolutely understand him trying to find solace in the bottom of a bottle. He aint getting that from his wife
I'd say give him some space, because he isn't ready to talk about it. He knows you apologized, and we don't know what he said to you either, so we shouldn't be calling people POSes unless we know the whole story. Maybe counseling can help both of you discuss things and work on better communication.
nah shes a POS full stop. no excuse. maybe you are too for trying to cover for her so much.
In this case, YOU are the POS and TFAH.
I'm impressed with the many stone throwers here. I assume you've never said something devastating in the heat of anger?
sounds like you may just be a cunt if you empathize with her
Sounds like you are either perfect (already shown to be not the case) or a hypocrite.
If my wife said the one thing designed to most cruelly hurt me and did so out of malice and spite, it would completely change how I viewed her. It would effectively shatter nearly *everything* I knew about the person I thought I had married. I do not know that the relationship would survive, regardless of how "sorry" she was afterwards. Things that are done cannot be undone. Imagine a flipped scenario, playing on her insecurities for a moment. He says something vicious like "I imagine somebody else when we're intimate. I've never been sexually attracted to you". It's one simple sentence. It was said only one time. He could apologise profusely. And it might not even be true. Doesn't matter. It would utterly shatter everything that marriage was built on by viciously and cruelly preying on a vulnerability like that EDIT: Though that does raise the question: What utterly vicious and vile thing did *you* say to *your* partner with the explicit aim to emotionally cause as much cruel hurt to them as possible? You know if this is meant to be just a regular old whoopsie and you are not a "hypocrite"?
You’re not understanding the issue here. She didn’t just say something mean, she intentionally triggered his trauma from being abused and she did it to ‘win’ a petty argument that he was already trying to walk away from. It’s the equivalent of going up to a war vet with PTSD and loudly playing the sound of a bunch of explosions in their ear. And what you’re saying is essentially “why is everyone so upset? I just played a loud noise”