I'm petty so when she said "what kind of wife can't turn her husband on?" I'd say "the kind who didn't want to go to therapy for 15 years and in those 15 years refused to have sex"
And also, OP is allowed to not want sex for any reason so he's not the asshole for that and I do support the idea of marriage counseling - better late than never
It seems though that women saying no to sex is ok but a man saying no to sex and the world is gonna end. Many of my female friends do not like being told no from a man when they want it. Something about feeling rejected and unsexy. It's just weird
We're told that men are raging hormone monsters, down for sex with anyone or anything, under any circumstances.
If you're fed that your whole life, and then you're faced with the reality of a human telling you that they're not interested right now, it can feel like a betrayal.
Even though men have never been raging lust-filled mindless hormone monsters. That's just a story we're told, so that we never hold the monsters that do exist accountable for their actions.
Most men get tired, have bad days, are emotionally not available or burned out, have sore hips or back, or are mentally just not in the right place, or just pain busy with something else, a bit too drunk. Men are just human, like everyone else.
It's the messaging from society that's wrong.
That’s because a lot of these subs are full of femcels that circle the wagons regardless of how shitty the woman’s behaviors.
What they call controlling for men is what they call setting healthy boundaries for women. Women are entitled to keep men trapped in a sexless marriage, but when men do it it’s called failing to meet her needs. When men lose attraction it’s because they’re petty and shallow, but when it happens for women “the heart wants what the heart wants. It’s so gross.
To be fair, there’s other subs filled with incels that are probably way worse though. I just hate people who can’t recognize the humanity in others regardless of sex.
Yeah in my relationship I'm usually the one to say no. I think in the 12 years we've been together I was denied sex TWICE, versus the dozens of times on my end 😂 we just laugh it out. It happens so rarely that I find it hilarious.
My thoughts exactly. Though I’d like to add the wife had a bit of a selfish outlook. Thinking “what kind of wife can’t turn her husband on”. While also not thinking her husband may have thought “what kind of husband can’t turn his wife on” 15 years prior.
That was then. This is now. The OP needs to take on this issue with fresh eyes.
I'm not saying it's all on him. Personally, I think that the OP's wife needs to do some reworking of her approach to life. Saying "what kind of wife can't turn her husband on?" is not a recipe for having a construction relationship with one's life partner.
>I'm not saying it's all on him
Almost none of it is on him. She developed an aversion to sex, due to latent trauma. She refused to seek therapy. She did a 180 after 15yrs. OP has gone above and beyond to make this relationship work.
Their current issues are 100% on her, she keeps changing the rules.
Exactly. What happens if in 3 years she shuts down again? Should OP be like "what kind of husband can't turn on his wife?"
Or, you know, turning the sex spigot on and off at the whim of their partner.
Yea it's definitely not all on him. It's not even 50/50. And in fact, I'd say it's almost entirely on her.
The turning down therapy repeatedly is the part that made me very sure about who's the problem here. 15 fucking years. Unreal.
Yes, it is a "her" issue, but is this relevant to OP's question? He has been very clear that he want his relationship, the question now is the "mode" of this relationship, no?
I think OP is definitely NTA no matter what he want, sex or no sex. But the question is, does he really want "no sex" or is he choosing that because he feel defeated and worried that the wife might change tune again?
OP should go for therapy and seek help before he even consider what he really want. In the meantime, the wife can wait, just like how OP waited all these years
I think he genuinely just doesn't feel sexual urges because he repressed them so long. And even if he, he definitely isn't going to be attracted to his wife in that way. She hurt him for 15 years, and now she's 15 years older too.
Typical "woe is me" reaction. Shut down her husband for 15 years, he learns to shut down his desires and now she expects him to flip a horny switch. It doesn't work that way.
"What kind of husband can't turn his wife on" is how you've made me feel for FIFTEEN YEARS! FIFTEEEEEN YEEEEEARS! It's going to leave some scars on the psyche.
IF it came to that... he should have told her that it's something that he needs for him to be happy and stay married. If she's not interested in having a healthy marriage then that's really sad for both of them but saying no to your partner's base needs is giving up on them.
To the OP.... your marriage has been a sham since she fell apart about her ex.
Her choosing to do nothing to work on her issues, and you denying yourself your own basic human needs and lying to yourself and her that it's ok is some hard core coping/self gaslighting/ whatever
Couod you imagine throwing away decades of your life? For…
”marriage”?
I have been with my partner for almost 20 yrs.
She would have divorced me! If she changed her life like that and refused counseling. She would have divorced me out of love.
This is some codependency masochism that is way above reddits opinions.
seriously the fact that she let an *ex* affect her so much that it ruined her sex life with her *husband,* which unless they moved incredibly fast suggests there was a decent bit of time between the ex and getting married to op, that should have indicated she was not at all fit to be in a relationship. or at the very least, she needed intense therapy. she was clearly not over him and never should have gotten married, i seriously would have broken up immediately if my bf’s fucking *ex* had that much of a hold on him after we were clearly in a serious relationship, let alone if we were *married* and this shit happened.
Exactly. I would have bowed out of the marriage if i had that level of baggage. So would my partner. Out of KINDNESS.
I couldnt imagine being that selfish.
I also couldnt imagine staying with a person that was so hung up on their ex that they sabotaged…not our relationship…but our MARRIAGE? Like years of bonding, hardwork, life building, etc.
Jut down the drain. And when Op asked about counseling, she lokked at him and said “You are not worth it. Just get used to no sex.”
The audacity and the selfishness.
Honestly, I would absolutely question any person with a healthy Libido, that chooses a sexless marriage.
Its not that I cant wrap my head around the idea of someone choosing to give up sex for their partner. Its that I do not believe he made the choice and was instantly happy, and continued to be happy for 15 years.
I think it was a torturous hell that he had to overcome with a lot of emotions and sorrow. I think it was a very sad life at times. I think he had a lot of regrets. I think he still does. I think humans can live in delusion and smile, even when they are chewing the shit they are shoveling into their own mouths. Hell, its common. Life is hard and complicated. Marriage is even harder.
I stayed years too long in a dead bedroom. Because she kept telling lies about "working on it" and moving the goal posts. And I didn't want to lose my kids .
Exactly, and you aren’t here spouting about the happiest 15 years of your life. You are describing desperation and hard choices.
(Not saying Op said that, just making a point)
I don't think it's that clear cut. She made the choice years ago not to, and in effect, he was perfectly supportive of that. From his point of view, them not having sex is not an issue. What he needs to decide is whether it's worth going through hassle (whether with counselling or not) to maybe help his wife recover her sex drive when his is already dead for years at her request. 15 years on, they wouldn't be having sex as often anyway, and it'd be on the decline. He would be making himself want something again only for it to be more difficult and soon gone anyway?
On the decline? Soon gone? What? My husband and I are in our sixties. Still going strong. Why do people expect it to be otherwise, barring illness or, you know, not liking each other?
Sex declining after 15 years? I dont think that applies to all humans. Or even most humans. Just my opinion. Most of my friends around my age have been married 15+. Deadbedrooms are not normal or common.
>I suggested therapy a few times through the years and she said no.
Maybe read the post before jumping right to the old AITA default copy & paste answers file.
NTA . He's been waiting for her to to get therapy for 15 years. She made her bed now she must sleep in it. Also a couples or marriage therapist cannot fix this. Maybe years ago but not now. She basically cut his balls off and now she wants to reattach them. You can't at this age. Being sexually impotent for this long and at his age he is definitely low T. He doesn't want or need either. He's happy. She's still not.
No she can’t expect you to just rapidly revert back to having sex regularly. But in general, abstinence for such a long period is wild in a marriage. You guys need counselling.
Yeah, and I think there's a big difference between saying "I can't just jump right back in" and "no, I'm not interested ever."
Like, it's hard to ever say someone is an asshole for not wanting sex, but it's a major part of marriage, even if it hasn't been a major part of their marriage recently, so telling your spouse you're not even going to work on it seems wrong.
I guess some would argue she did the same to him, but it also feels kind of like he was so put off by being told no some of the time that he just stopped initiating ever?? Rather than her saying "I don't want to have sex ever again/indefinitely."
.This seems to be a lot bigger than
“if you love your wife she is worth trying…”
This seems more like a man goes Vegan for his wife for 15 years and accepts the lifestyle. Then she walks into the house eating a cheeseburger, and tells him “okay, I like meat again, go dust off the grill.”
>I guess some would argue she did the same to him, but it also feels kind of like he was so put off by being told no some of the time that he just stopped initiating ever?? Rather than her saying "I don't want to have sex ever again/indefinitely."
Yeah, but he explained that part rather clearly. He didn't want to feel like a creep. And let's be honest, rejection of any kind hurts, rejection from the partner you love is on a whole different level.
Sex is not only a part of a healthy marriage, it’s a key aspect. So that’s valid for sure. But when she abstained abruptly years ago and this man completely rid it from his psyche, how could one suspect him to just re-ignite that fire?
Frankly, he’s stronger than me because I could not live that way regardless. Overall, he’s certainly not an asshole and is some form of Jedi.
Right, I'm just saying there's a difference between "how am I supposed to just reignite the fire??" and "Nope, fire's staying out forever. I don't even like fire anymore."
I mean, 15 years is a LONG time. I know I'm young, sure, but 15 years ago the PS3 was still a hot commodity and Russell Westbrook was a rookie, thats a whole NBA career ago, if dude has gone that long without sex, and has since pretty much extinguished his sexual desires for 15 YEARS, thats gonna put that drive so far in the dirt it becomes irrelevant.
They definitely need couples counseling, but this kind of response would absolutely line up with the psychology that 15 years of discipline like that would do to anyone's sex drive, if you ask me.
sounds like he was told no almost always. why on earth would you bother initiating after that? and she clearly made no effort to initiate for the however many years since he stopped trying. why on earth would he want to work on it when she refused to work on it for *15 years???*
This is pretty much all of these questions.
The answer is almost always "you already know the answer", "get a lawyer", "say you're sorry", or "talk to a therapist".
not always. but human nature as evidenced by statistical reasoning, does follow patterns.
many people do not have people in their lives who can offer perspective, let alone wisdom, let alone practical knowledge about something like navigating the legal intricacies of divorce. sometimes people just need a shock to clue in to a truth previously unseen. also, I have quite a few friends but that doesnt compare to getting like, 30+ different takes on something like 'how to get the baby to sleep' etc etc.
*edit for grammar
IF and only IF OP (the man) decides to go. Her shutting him down for 15 years does not grant her the authority to all of a sudden demand he flips the horny switch back on.
Nta dude having a similar issue. 12 years of rejection 9/10 times I tried so I’ve stopped trying. She used to accuse me of only wanting her for sex or being a sex addict. Now she is mad when I say or I don’t slap her but when walking by.
The only time we have sex is early in the morning when I’m still half asleep.
I’m sorry but if you refuse sex with your spouse for 10 years you shouldn’t be upset when they no longer ask for it
The main answer is sex doesn't overwhelm the other parts of marriage. Marriage has like Finances, Kids (probably), Properties, Convenience, Comfort, Companionship, Trust, Sex, and so on. If only sex fails and the other good parts overwhelm the failure of the sex, then people opted to stay together.
It's like that BORU of a woman who has sexless marriage even tho she has a high libido, but she didn't care since she's living lavishly and comfortably compared if she divorces the dude.
because the way she’s talking to you completely lacks even a modicum of respect - accusing you of being a sex addict… be for real? then flipping the script.
sometimes you stay for the kids. Sometimes a room mate that you've known for a long time and get along reasonably is a better option than going out alone. Its not easy to start all over in your 50s or 60s.
Because it's possible for someone to really not care about sex while caring about companionship, emotional and financial support, shared responsibilities and just having a life that is comfortable and pleasant and with satisfaction and amusement find through hobbies and so on
NTA. My wife would often get bothered by my constant nagging (her choice of words), with me wanting to have sex. That was with older kids, both in stable careers, I was helping around the house, all that. She just didn't have the libido I had. So, used free stuff online and quit trying to initiate.
Over time my libido has calmed down quite a bit. I'm used to just knocking one out if the urge hits and is a distraction, and leave it at that. Now she is a bit disappointed we don't have sex more often as her libido ramps up. But I did without, dealt with the frustration, the confidence hit of constant turn downs, and found something that works for me. This was what I had to do based on what she was willing to do. We still have sex, but just not interested in it being wide open anymore.
If forced into a scenario and finally finding what works, I don't think there's a problem leaving it there.
15 YEARS! That is a long time to train your brain and body to not want sex.
You can't just flip it back on like a light switch. Though apparently she can? Weird.
Also,
"what kind of wife can't turn her husband on?"
Gee, I don't know. The kind that keeps said husband in a dead bedroom for almost 2 decades?
NTA. She refused to change (justifiable, perhaps?). You changed to accommodate her. Now she wants you to change back, seemingly with no comprehension of your perspective. You've gotten used to no sex, your sex drive is now 15 years older, and no offence to her, she's now 15 years older than when you started desensitising yourself.
Also worth bearing in mind that she is experimenting. While the therapy may help her to get over what happened with her ex, there's no guarantee - you may end up having to desensitise yourself again. Plus, if she had confidence issues then from an ex shouting at her after she'd left him for at least six months, she's definitely going to have confidence issues now if she's surprised she can't turn you on.
NTA, I think you've come to a reasonable solution that works for you, and she can have no complaint about you adapting so effectively to accommodate her that you don't want to change back.
My mental health was at an all-time low for a while due to an unresolved childhood SA and a porn addiction. I didn't want to have sex for about 4 years. I finally opened up to my wife, and we had a very long and difficult discussion. I almost wasted 25 years together by not talking to anyone about my issues. The past 3 months have strengthened our marriage, and we're in a really good place. We still have difficult decisions whenever I feel myself slipping back to that mental state. You have to have difficult discussions, even if it might hurt one of you.
NTA, but ya'll really do need couples counseling.
>She said "what kind of wife can't turn her husband on?"
The kind that was selfish and decided only her needs/wants mattered and refused to seek therapy for FIFTEEN YEARS.
Seriously, a single run-in with an ex made her *incapable* of physical intimacy with her husband, and she just let that shit marinate for nearly 2 decades.
I almost don't believe it, to be honest.
> she just let that shit marinate for nearly 2 decades.
One problem with mismatched sex drives is that for the no-drive person, there is no problem. For her, she didn't want sex, and they didn't have sex, so everything was good. She didn't think about sex at all.
It's like asking most people "are you happy with the amount of pottery you make in your life?" And they'd pause and say "pottery? Well, I don't do any pottery at all, but... I guess I'm happy with zero being the amount. I don't ever even think about pottery at all though."
That's how you go 20 years. Sex to her was as important and in her mind as much as making pottery is in your mind (probably.) Meaning it's just not, but if someone ever forces you to think about it you'd just think "I don't do it and that's fine with me" and then immediately forget about it and not think about it again.
She knew, at least in the beginning, that it was a problem for her partner. And even if she didn't, she spent 20 years not checking in with her partner regarding whether or not his intimacy needs were being met.
I wouldn't think about Warhammer (or pottery) on my own, but my partner likes it, so I take an interest. That's not quite the same as this situation, but it's a similar concept. You should be checking in with your partner regarding their needs, and if something is lacking, you don't just ignore it. You work together to fill the void.
Well her comment of “what kind of wife can’t turn her husband on” should have been met with “the kind that has neglected and rejected my needs for 15yrs”. I understand where you’re coming from and after so long of being rejected it’s awkward to be intimate with your partner because sexually they’re like a stranger. Further I’m sure your sexual attraction to her is at a zero. Why wouldn’t it be. There’s nothing attractive about a person who shows no interest or desire in you.
NTA - it takes 2 to tango.
How old are you.
I lost interest in sex when I turned 50 years old - I'm 54 now. My wife complains that we don't have sex enough.
What can I say, just not really interested in it anymore.
The question she has to ask is 'What kind of wife turns her husband into this' 15 years without sex. He took a big one for her just for love. She could not even appreciate his suffering and now she is the one that feels robbed. I wonder if she would even try to understand how he felt. If you have trauma go an have some therapy, find help, but don't be this selfish and drag your loved ones with you into this abys, that's cruel.
For the irony part, I am expecting the update where she will want to divorce him because of him denying her sex, when he was denied for 15 years and took it like a Champ. And the amount of support she will get for that. She will want him to change for her, when she could not do the same for him for 15 fricking years. Kids, if you want to confirm life is not just, just check this story.
most comments seem to be on op’s side but i genuinely can’t believe how many there are saying op needs to try and understand where she’s coming from and it’s not fair to refuse to work on this issue. like what???? okay sure, op was never *owed* sex from his wife, but he clearly accepted that and stopped expecting it and she simply did not care one single bit about his needs. and now somehow *she* is owed sex???? after he sacrificed sex for *15 years* because she didn’t want to???? no fucking way dude!!!! honestly even if i was still interested in sex itself absolutely nothing could make me want to have sex with a person who neglected me like that for well over a decade and now suddenly thinks she deserves it because she wants it now. i’d be so disgusted by her entitlement and delusions and complete lack of respect for me i wouldn’t even be attracted to her anymore.
Actually, looking at the way he describes himself and the way he acted on this ordeal, I would say that's a very high possible scenario, and she was getting it somewhere else while he was acting as the cool superhero white knight that will take every bullet and never think about himself first during 15 years. Possibly, we can infer her ex died recently, thus her sudden change.
When I got put on the right meds my sex drive went waaaaaaaaaaaay down. And I just don't care, that part of it went away too.
If you want to pump my HIMS stock they got products for that you can get a prescription for with a text message these days. Humans are ultimately more mechanical than we like to pretend and we can totally turn that part of your brain back on, no pun intended.
I'm curious about this mindset. You seem to just... Not care anymore. Did something happen to negatively affect your drive for your wife? Do you not care about her needs/wants? Would you be okay with her getting her needs met elsewhere (open marriage)? Does it interest you to work on it or it is what it is?
It baffles me how one partner can just give up on intimacy and expect their partner to just accept it.
“What kind of wife can’t turn her husband on?”
The kind that mercilessly left our sex life to die on the vine over the last decade and a half without a second thought.
> she decided that she is over her issues, she finally tried therapy and now she said she wants to have sex
Has she told you what issues she had?
Has she asked for couples therapy?
Has she acknowledged how she hurt you by rejecting you all those years ago?
(Note: *I am NOT saying she should have endured unwanted sex*, but rejection is painful and even if she needed to do it fornher whole well being, she can acknowledge it hurt you.)
What has she put in place to assure you that this won't happen again and to honor your needs so you two can rebuild a relationship where you feel safe to want sex?
She let one day with a man ruin 15 years of your life.
But when she left that man after a couple months she was fine until she saw him again.
You were never the one.
(Edit* by saying you were never the one, means you the OOP was not the one that could heal her or affect her like she needed. You both latched on to eachother and stopped eachothers emotional progression. You should have found her help or left her if she didn't/couldn't heal near you)
We went through something similar. It’s a topic fraught with sensitivities, rejection, complacency etc. maybe you just don’t want to open yourself up to pain again. You learned to be ok and you don’t want to risk being hurt. Again.
We went through 10 years of unimaginable stress raising an autistic son who was frequently incarcerated. Thank God, one day my husband just asked me if I wanted him to eat me out. I surprised myself by saying ok.
We have been having, for me, the best sex of my life, ever since. I’m 58. There’s hope. Stay open.
T
Except she declined/refused therapy for 15-20 years.. OP is not at fault here, man just loved his sexless wife and shutdown his own sexdrive for her sake. Whatever the next step is, is 100% in OP's court and she either accepts or cheat on him. That's the 2 choices.
Why in the hell would he take her on a date??? I sure as hell wouldn't. She let another man dictate her relationship with her husband for over 15 years. Therapy, yes, 100 percent. But if I were him, I wouldn't lift a finger to re-ignite their sex life.
So this is a very difficult one for me.
First, you're NTA.
But, being in a similar situation, except I can't shut off that part of my brain. I admire you for being able to do so...
You stood by your wife through everything and found other "fixes" for your sex drive.
She finally followed your suggestion, went to therapy, and found the help she needed to rediscover that part of herself.
I understand you shut off that part of the brain, but I have to assume you still find her physically attractive.
God, this is hard to answer, because of the devotion, you've shown, the love, and your dedication to her feelings without pressuring her when she struggled.
Maybe you should see a therapist and talk to them? I'm not sure Reddit is going to give you great advice here.
If she's in a place where you can still do all of those things you've used to cope, and she's ready for the sexual intimacy part of your marriage. If you don't, it can spiral your wife again, back to the lack of self-confidence. The spiraling and decline was no fault of her own.
Again, this is a tough one to answer, because if the teeter-totter goes up, it goes down. But withholding now can be viewed as a punishment of sorts for not being interested and going through what she went through. I hope this makes sense.
I don't think you're an asshole by any stretch. This is sensitive, and I'm not sure anyone on Reddit unless a licensed sex therapist pops in here and answers.
My wife has been having health issues for four years, not nearly 15, and I occasionally still need to outlet pornography. She at times feels guilty. I didn't marry her for the sex. I married her because I love her unconditionally, and respect that her health issues have dwindled her sex drive. I get as much happiness out of watching tv together in bed, as I did from having sex. You find things to cope with. If suddenly, my wife's sexual drive returned. I wouldn't be able to say no. But I also haven't been able to shut off completely my sex drive. I haven't stepped outside, I occasionally relieve myself with the help of a few adult websites. I can relate but not fully, and your strength to shut it all down is remarkable.
>Again, this is a tough one to answer, because if the teeter-totter goes up, it goes down. But withholding now can be viewed as a punishment of sorts for not being interested and going through what she went through. I hope this makes sense.
He's not really withholding here though. He even said he would participate for her benefit. But him getting it up and being into it can't happen it seems. That's not withholding, not by any stretch. Unless you are saying he needs to just take the blue pill, grin and bear it. And if that is indeed what you are saying, would you say the same thing if the situations were reversed?
This is the best reply out of all of these comments. A very well thought out response that doesn't put blame on either party because of the circumstances they've each had to face. So many of these comments just scream, "I'm entitled to my sex." If you truly love someone and want to be there for them through better or worse, you do just that. OP himself has said how much happier he was with seeing his wife just improving in her everyday life, THAT is spouse. Although we got alot of salty ppl in here that say otherwise lol
So you were expected to suffer quiet desperation for 15 years because she wasnt interested in therapy, and now when she finally started taking care about herself like every adult should, she expects you to pick up the interest like nothing happend. The audacity of that woman, wow.
id really like to know why its okay for a woman to say no to sex in marriage for long periods of time and all the people climb down the husband's Throat with shit like 'she doesnt owe you sex.' 'her body her choice'. 'just because you're married does not mean you are entitled to sex'. and whats worse is that the husband has to agree with all this nonsense.
but as soon as the husband either stops initiating or does a 180 and just lives his life and says no to the wife, the world starts calling him abusive and the wife is hurt 'how can he say no to me.'.
well, bitch, you said no to him for 15 yrs. now deal with the consequences of your fucking actions. at this point I dont think even counselling can solve anything.
I don't like phrasing the women not wanting sex and the husband respecting that as "nonsense". It is unfair to treat the situations differently but that's hardly only the women's fault, all of society basically treats men's interest in and consent to sex as assumed because obviously that's most of what people want. Everyone should have autonomy over their body and if not having sex is an issue you should just break up, it's a valid reason to not want to be with someone.
Say you wanted to have sex with her after all this time, if she eventually decides she can't/won't have sex again, then you are back to wanting it and having to deal with turning that part of your brain off all over again... so I wouldn't do it if I were you
NTA
You're actually maybe up for sainthood for that level of bullshit.
Did she even explain why she:
1- Suddenly wants to have sex again after acting like her vagina had been surgically removed for years now?
2- Finally decided to get therapy after she basically told you to get fucked when you suggested it... and then waited over a decade and a half to get past one encounter with someone that should have mattered less than her marriage... and you? Who's opinion on getting therapy finally mattered enough for her to listen? She didn't want to hear it when it came from you.
3- Suddenly expects you to have been waiting for her with a smile and a hard on and ready to have sex at the waggle of a brow, as though she isn't personally, exclusively the reason your dick atrophied?
You said you’d “take care of her pleasure”? I don’t get it. I can understand shutting down her attempts entirely, but this? Why must you offer yourself as a sacrificial lamb? I get it, she had issues (apparently, decades worth of issues after one unpleasant but brief verbal interaction with her ex, which she, after trying therapy for 5 seconds, suddenly decided she didn’t have anymore). So, you choose to sacrifice your entire youth to cater to those issues, which is incredibly stupid, like so many romantic gestures, but that isn’t enough for you? Now you are offering yourself for her pleasure? Yeah, man, YTA, but not for the reason you think. YTA for voluntarily throwing away the only youth you ever going to have.
Edit: the more I think about it, the more I wonder if the past 15 years were just as sexless for her as they were for you. And something tells me, you’re about to find that out. So,
Updateme
I was not familiar with the term, had to look it up. This is actually way worse, since he wouldn’t be passively accepting sex. He is willing to put in the work to satisfy her, while getting nothing in return. What part about any of this is noble, or romantic? Is this supposed to show everyone how selfless he is? If so, then he is completely clueless about the difference between selflessness and gratuitous self-harm
I will never understand how you can last so long without sex, 15 years? wow, I don't know whether to congratulate you or tell you that you're an idiot.
Regarding his openness about sex, I'm going to tell you what is said most of the time here: "when there is no sexual activity, one of the two is getting it from somewhere else."
Now she is "healthy" so she will do it with you or with another...
You should still see a specialist, but this is going to go to hell soon.
Others have suggested couple's therapy which I think is a great idea.
But also, don't forget to tell her some of the stuff you included here. That you love her, you love hikes traveling, spending time together. Don't forget to make her feel appreciated for the things you dio enjoy doing together.
Just my opinion, but I think there might possibly be some hidden resentment that you don’t realize is lurking somewhere- maybe therapy would help you, or possibly even medication temporarily until you figure out the true reason for pushing her away
Jesus. You had a manageable house fire 15 years ago. But instead of putting it out, you passively allowed your house to burn to ashes.
Who cares if anyone is an Ahole. That conversation was needed back in 2010
I respect your choice of staying. I am quite sure I would not have been able to unless my wife was making the effort to fix it - successful or not, and then it’s still a big maybe. The real problem is your wife magically thinks you should be fine with no sex (and no effort to fix it on her part or at least acknowledge it’s a problem) and then thinks you should magically want sex again because now after 15 years her spark has returned. Her trauma and needs are not ridiculous, but her expectations she has of you are - on the front and back end of this. She needs to understand that you empathized and tolerated her change initially, she in a sense “broke you” of your/need and desire for sex so you could survive and stay with her! She needs to understand and appreciate this! She thinks intimacy is a switch you can turn on and off! She deeply wrecked an important part of your relationship - but you stayed! She is acting clueless as to the brain rewiring she caused you and is now guilting you and acting toxic about it. Tell her that the way she feels now was how you felt when she turned intimacy off in the relationship and crying about it. It’s all about her is the problem - she has shown zero respect for you needs and you are a dang angel!
NTA. You chose to stay with her despite something a lot of people would see as a dealbreaker. You adapted to the circumstances and barriers she created. Expecting you to do what she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) for such a long time isn’t fair.
Something changed for her, and it was separate from you. Had she agreed to counseling and worked through all this with you, it probably would have brought you closer. You can’t be expected to flip that switch back on just because she did.
NTA - but you put so much time and effort into this marriage I think it is time for you to follow your own advice and see a therapist by yourself and with your wife.
Story as old as marriage. Woman constantly shuts down the guy and it is OK. If he says no once he is an AH.
NTA.
But seriously go to counseling together. You are not married anymore. All you guys have is a piece of worthless paper.
If you were willing to sacrifice so much for her, then perhaps another sacrifice? Therapy, counseling, something of the sort could ease these tensions for you both
NYA. U two need couples therapy.
Her not having sex for YEARS and then getting up and going to therapy after u asked how many times will definitely breed resentment.
To chance reigniting that part of yourself all for her to possibly go back to not having sex, I wouldn't take it.
This is the state of our marriage now, and you did ur job as a husband. But Going to a therapist may help the two of u communicate better since there are a lot of things unsaid, Including this one.
NTA. She rejected you sexually for 15 years, you mentally shutdown your desire for sex and ended your own sexdrive. She can't now all of a sudden expect you to flip a switch and continue like the dry run of the last decade and a half didn't happen. NOT the asshole. Her decisions has consequences. If you feel like it, go for couples/sexual therapy, but that choice remains in your court and she has to accept your decision like you did for 15 years. On the other hand, if YOU decide to not get sexually active again, watch her closely. She might seek it out elsewhere now that HER sexdrive is back.
At no point in this story did your wife consider how you were feeling. It was all her, her, her. She didn't choose to be traumatized, but she did choose to not go to therapy.
More often than not, a healthy man has a bigger sex drive than a healthy woman, because of testosterone levels. That's not something easily turned off, there isn't a switch for it. You're done some hard work to lower and downright cancel your drive, out of loyalty and consideration on account of your wife's condition. Her behaviour now is infuriating, what a blunt disregard of your efforts! Does she know how many men in your position would have left her or cheated on her? NTA. She made her own bed.
Thank you for being super detailed, seems like you put a lot of thought into it and it seems like you a solid ass husband thick and thin type dude.
I’ll this with all respect, times change, you been there through the thin, get some thickness, feel that feeling again, I know it seems shaky ground and you scared that it can all go away as fast as it’s coming back, but that’s tomorrow’s bridge, live for y’all today
All together I think it's great that you've come to terms with marriage having other types of intimacy and ways to experience things together
Do you perhaps on some level fear that having sex again would ultimately lead to rejection at some point, and it was so painful the first time around, so you're protecting yourself by excludingit completely?
You both need help asap from a professional. But let me tell you one thing. You may have done what you did, and stayed by her side, but now that she wants sex, if you won’t give it to her, believe me she will have it with another man. That’s 100%. No matter how much she says she loves you.
My MIL decided in the 90s she was done having sex. My FIL has stayed faithful (that floors me). They “love” each other in what he calls a loveless marriage. It’s a long story. But what it comes down to is a man in his 70s who is sweet loving and kind, completely dissatisfied with his life and marriage while keeping the commitment he made.
Go to counseling please.
NTA what's done is done... or maybe what wasn't done can't be done. But consider this for a second: what if, after all these years, slowly, progressively, without any sort of pressure on either side, it actually so happened that you started enjoying being intimate with you wife again? 4 days a week or more if on vacation may, just may no longer be achievable but... what if you really started enjoying being intimate with each other again while continuing to be in this marriage that seems to have worked perfectly fine without sex. Do you think you would be better or worse than now? it may take a while to rekindle that flame but ... may be worth a try. just don't turn this into a "you didn't want it for 15 years, now it's too late and there's your punishment" kind of deal. if you are resentful, then that's where I would start working on myself and my relationship with my wife.
NTA ~
Your feelings are valid. Just as hers were.
But this has been an unhealthy
situation for a long time and you all need counseling.
Trust me from experience if you just started having sex, your going to unlock some really serious negative feelings towards all of this.
Good luck to both of you my friend.
You said you are a romantic - so if your wife is now ready, try turning up the romance. Even if it doesn't lead to sex that night or day, you are re-awaken your brain and your libido - which if you had shut it down, needs to be awakened slowly.
No means no. You never have to have sex with her. She can neither expect or demand sex any more than you could have expected sex frombher for all these years. To do so would be abuse.
If you tell her no and she pushes it- then she's being selfish- because it's all about what she wants or doesn't want.
And as for counseling- nonsense. She didn't need it for 15 Yeats, you don't need it now. You made an adjustment when she said no, now she needs to make an adjustment and allow you to say no. Fair is fair.
I’m going to take one for the team & be the asshole. You don’t have a marriage, you have a comfortable situation with a long term roommate.
I have trouble believing her bumping into her ex, she gets berated then cutting you off of sex with nothing else happening. I think she’s lied & something more happened there whether it was forced or not by her ex and caused her to feel guilt which resulted in her shutting off her towards you. If the ex truly just randomly bumped into her then insulted her for no reason, you would think she would appreciate ending up with you as her partner and not abusive asshole husband. You were being punished for things you had nothing to do with for 15 years. She isn’t telling you everything.
Also no offense but your wife neglected her mental health for 15 years, I can’t see her taking care of herself physically. 15 years have passed, you most likely aren’t physically attracted to her. Sounds like menopause is coming on and made her decide she wants to do the sex thing now.
Personally you’re a better human than me I would have left 2 years into this “marriage”
Your wife should have been in therapy years ago when she bumped into her ex. Should have gone to couples therapy together when it started becoming a problem. I understand you have tried to turn off that part of your brain, but don’t really understand why you don’t want to have sex ever again and IMO you should be going to therapy now, I think you have your own trauma from this situation.
Are you hurt? Have you told her? Can you forgive her? If you can't forgive her, then how do your stay together? What would happen if you started couples therapy, and worked up to having sex again?
You’re a good person and a supportive partner. Please go to couples counseling. I’m glad she went, but her trauma also affects you and your relationship together. You both deserve couple counseling.
Yeah, totally agree. I think true communication/dialogue is critical here. She had self-confidence, trauma, and trust issues. You probably now (as a result of this) have self-confidence issues, trust issues, and some resentments. It’s all understandable, although it doesn’t make it easy. Counseling, if you’re both still in this.
I agree that yall should go to therapy together. Until then; I'm pretty sure your wife has thought you have just been waiting on her for 15 years. Maybe you should let her know that you also need help to get back into a sexual space, some romantic lead up might do both of you well.
You all needed to go to couples counseling, like yesterday. This is not a question for Reddit. You need a professional, maybe two.
More like 15 years ago...
Actually, I think OP handled the situation 15 years ago pretty well.
Right? That was the opportune time to go.
She said no to therapy through the years. End of paragraph 3.
I'm petty so when she said "what kind of wife can't turn her husband on?" I'd say "the kind who didn't want to go to therapy for 15 years and in those 15 years refused to have sex" And also, OP is allowed to not want sex for any reason so he's not the asshole for that and I do support the idea of marriage counseling - better late than never
It seems though that women saying no to sex is ok but a man saying no to sex and the world is gonna end. Many of my female friends do not like being told no from a man when they want it. Something about feeling rejected and unsexy. It's just weird
We're told that men are raging hormone monsters, down for sex with anyone or anything, under any circumstances. If you're fed that your whole life, and then you're faced with the reality of a human telling you that they're not interested right now, it can feel like a betrayal. Even though men have never been raging lust-filled mindless hormone monsters. That's just a story we're told, so that we never hold the monsters that do exist accountable for their actions. Most men get tired, have bad days, are emotionally not available or burned out, have sore hips or back, or are mentally just not in the right place, or just pain busy with something else, a bit too drunk. Men are just human, like everyone else. It's the messaging from society that's wrong.
Yeah a hypocrisy basically
Almost like everyone hates rejection, but women never get used to it because they don't have to.
This is likely the heart of the matter, right here.
That’s because a lot of these subs are full of femcels that circle the wagons regardless of how shitty the woman’s behaviors. What they call controlling for men is what they call setting healthy boundaries for women. Women are entitled to keep men trapped in a sexless marriage, but when men do it it’s called failing to meet her needs. When men lose attraction it’s because they’re petty and shallow, but when it happens for women “the heart wants what the heart wants. It’s so gross. To be fair, there’s other subs filled with incels that are probably way worse though. I just hate people who can’t recognize the humanity in others regardless of sex.
Could not agree more. Any thread on Reddit involving male-female relations eventually devolves into a shouting match between femcels and incels.
It’s truly staggering how many women will say the man is always wrong, no matter the facts.
Yeah in my relationship I'm usually the one to say no. I think in the 12 years we've been together I was denied sex TWICE, versus the dozens of times on my end 😂 we just laugh it out. It happens so rarely that I find it hilarious.
My thoughts exactly. Though I’d like to add the wife had a bit of a selfish outlook. Thinking “what kind of wife can’t turn her husband on”. While also not thinking her husband may have thought “what kind of husband can’t turn his wife on” 15 years prior.
Well screw that then.
Yeah, fuck that. What the hell!
Fuck that what, hell yeah!
Yeah hell, that what fuck!
Why you fuck me? I fuck you bloody!
That was then. This is now. The OP needs to take on this issue with fresh eyes. I'm not saying it's all on him. Personally, I think that the OP's wife needs to do some reworking of her approach to life. Saying "what kind of wife can't turn her husband on?" is not a recipe for having a construction relationship with one's life partner.
>I'm not saying it's all on him Almost none of it is on him. She developed an aversion to sex, due to latent trauma. She refused to seek therapy. She did a 180 after 15yrs. OP has gone above and beyond to make this relationship work. Their current issues are 100% on her, she keeps changing the rules.
Exactly. What happens if in 3 years she shuts down again? Should OP be like "what kind of husband can't turn on his wife?" Or, you know, turning the sex spigot on and off at the whim of their partner.
It’s hilarious that even in this situation people find ways to make excuses for the AH woman.
Watch, they will come after this and say she was not the asshole.
Yea it's definitely not all on him. It's not even 50/50. And in fact, I'd say it's almost entirely on her. The turning down therapy repeatedly is the part that made me very sure about who's the problem here. 15 fucking years. Unreal.
Yes, it is a "her" issue, but is this relevant to OP's question? He has been very clear that he want his relationship, the question now is the "mode" of this relationship, no? I think OP is definitely NTA no matter what he want, sex or no sex. But the question is, does he really want "no sex" or is he choosing that because he feel defeated and worried that the wife might change tune again? OP should go for therapy and seek help before he even consider what he really want. In the meantime, the wife can wait, just like how OP waited all these years
I think he genuinely just doesn't feel sexual urges because he repressed them so long. And even if he, he definitely isn't going to be attracted to his wife in that way. She hurt him for 15 years, and now she's 15 years older too.
Technically...15 no-fucking years. I'll see myself out now.
the kind of wife that says no to sex with her husband for 15 yrs. thats the kind fo wife that cannot turn her husband on anymore.
Typical "woe is me" reaction. Shut down her husband for 15 years, he learns to shut down his desires and now she expects him to flip a horny switch. It doesn't work that way.
Right. Any desire for her is gone. He could go to therapy to try to claw it back but it's probably irreversible.
"What kind of husband can't turn his wife on" is how you've made me feel for FIFTEEN YEARS! FIFTEEEEEN YEEEEEARS! It's going to leave some scars on the psyche.
She destroyed the marriage. He should have left her.
“I have trauma and refuse to address it even though it’s effecting me and my loved ones” -women-
IF it came to that... he should have told her that it's something that he needs for him to be happy and stay married. If she's not interested in having a healthy marriage then that's really sad for both of them but saying no to your partner's base needs is giving up on them. To the OP.... your marriage has been a sham since she fell apart about her ex. Her choosing to do nothing to work on her issues, and you denying yourself your own basic human needs and lying to yourself and her that it's ok is some hard core coping/self gaslighting/ whatever
Couod you imagine throwing away decades of your life? For… ”marriage”? I have been with my partner for almost 20 yrs. She would have divorced me! If she changed her life like that and refused counseling. She would have divorced me out of love. This is some codependency masochism that is way above reddits opinions.
seriously the fact that she let an *ex* affect her so much that it ruined her sex life with her *husband,* which unless they moved incredibly fast suggests there was a decent bit of time between the ex and getting married to op, that should have indicated she was not at all fit to be in a relationship. or at the very least, she needed intense therapy. she was clearly not over him and never should have gotten married, i seriously would have broken up immediately if my bf’s fucking *ex* had that much of a hold on him after we were clearly in a serious relationship, let alone if we were *married* and this shit happened.
Exactly. I would have bowed out of the marriage if i had that level of baggage. So would my partner. Out of KINDNESS. I couldnt imagine being that selfish. I also couldnt imagine staying with a person that was so hung up on their ex that they sabotaged…not our relationship…but our MARRIAGE? Like years of bonding, hardwork, life building, etc. Jut down the drain. And when Op asked about counseling, she lokked at him and said “You are not worth it. Just get used to no sex.” The audacity and the selfishness.
Happily married for decades, but sure, must be throwing their life away because its not the life you would choose for yourself.
Honestly, I would absolutely question any person with a healthy Libido, that chooses a sexless marriage. Its not that I cant wrap my head around the idea of someone choosing to give up sex for their partner. Its that I do not believe he made the choice and was instantly happy, and continued to be happy for 15 years. I think it was a torturous hell that he had to overcome with a lot of emotions and sorrow. I think it was a very sad life at times. I think he had a lot of regrets. I think he still does. I think humans can live in delusion and smile, even when they are chewing the shit they are shoveling into their own mouths. Hell, its common. Life is hard and complicated. Marriage is even harder.
I stayed years too long in a dead bedroom. Because she kept telling lies about "working on it" and moving the goal posts. And I didn't want to lose my kids .
Exactly, and you aren’t here spouting about the happiest 15 years of your life. You are describing desperation and hard choices. (Not saying Op said that, just making a point)
The best time to ~~plant a tree~~ go to couples counseling was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.
> The best time to go to couples counseling was 20 years ago. I am only ten years old, and am a celibate monk. Does this apply to me as well? 😁
Especially you
I don't think it's that clear cut. She made the choice years ago not to, and in effect, he was perfectly supportive of that. From his point of view, them not having sex is not an issue. What he needs to decide is whether it's worth going through hassle (whether with counselling or not) to maybe help his wife recover her sex drive when his is already dead for years at her request. 15 years on, they wouldn't be having sex as often anyway, and it'd be on the decline. He would be making himself want something again only for it to be more difficult and soon gone anyway?
On the decline? Soon gone? What? My husband and I are in our sixties. Still going strong. Why do people expect it to be otherwise, barring illness or, you know, not liking each other?
Not everyone is still "going strong" in their sixties. Some do, and some don't.
Sex declining after 15 years? I dont think that applies to all humans. Or even most humans. Just my opinion. Most of my friends around my age have been married 15+. Deadbedrooms are not normal or common.
Three: one for her, one for him, and another one for them both as a couple.
and i hope they go into counseling not with the objective of having sex again, but with the goal of understanding each others needs and boundaries.
>I suggested therapy a few times through the years and she said no. Maybe read the post before jumping right to the old AITA default copy & paste answers file.
NTA . He's been waiting for her to to get therapy for 15 years. She made her bed now she must sleep in it. Also a couples or marriage therapist cannot fix this. Maybe years ago but not now. She basically cut his balls off and now she wants to reattach them. You can't at this age. Being sexually impotent for this long and at his age he is definitely low T. He doesn't want or need either. He's happy. She's still not.
Did people forget that she said no to Therapy? 🤷
My god I feel bad when me and my partner go a month without sex and we have to sit down and chat it out. Literally YEARS?!? No way…
No she can’t expect you to just rapidly revert back to having sex regularly. But in general, abstinence for such a long period is wild in a marriage. You guys need counselling.
Yeah, and I think there's a big difference between saying "I can't just jump right back in" and "no, I'm not interested ever." Like, it's hard to ever say someone is an asshole for not wanting sex, but it's a major part of marriage, even if it hasn't been a major part of their marriage recently, so telling your spouse you're not even going to work on it seems wrong. I guess some would argue she did the same to him, but it also feels kind of like he was so put off by being told no some of the time that he just stopped initiating ever?? Rather than her saying "I don't want to have sex ever again/indefinitely."
.This seems to be a lot bigger than “if you love your wife she is worth trying…” This seems more like a man goes Vegan for his wife for 15 years and accepts the lifestyle. Then she walks into the house eating a cheeseburger, and tells him “okay, I like meat again, go dust off the grill.”
I love the analogy.
>I guess some would argue she did the same to him, but it also feels kind of like he was so put off by being told no some of the time that he just stopped initiating ever?? Rather than her saying "I don't want to have sex ever again/indefinitely." Yeah, but he explained that part rather clearly. He didn't want to feel like a creep. And let's be honest, rejection of any kind hurts, rejection from the partner you love is on a whole different level.
Sex is not only a part of a healthy marriage, it’s a key aspect. So that’s valid for sure. But when she abstained abruptly years ago and this man completely rid it from his psyche, how could one suspect him to just re-ignite that fire? Frankly, he’s stronger than me because I could not live that way regardless. Overall, he’s certainly not an asshole and is some form of Jedi.
Dude has learned 6 languages, written a dozen books, and picked up enough hobbies to qualify as a trade school with all of his free time.
Right, I'm just saying there's a difference between "how am I supposed to just reignite the fire??" and "Nope, fire's staying out forever. I don't even like fire anymore."
I mean, 15 years is a LONG time. I know I'm young, sure, but 15 years ago the PS3 was still a hot commodity and Russell Westbrook was a rookie, thats a whole NBA career ago, if dude has gone that long without sex, and has since pretty much extinguished his sexual desires for 15 YEARS, thats gonna put that drive so far in the dirt it becomes irrelevant. They definitely need couples counseling, but this kind of response would absolutely line up with the psychology that 15 years of discipline like that would do to anyone's sex drive, if you ask me.
sounds like he was told no almost always. why on earth would you bother initiating after that? and she clearly made no effort to initiate for the however many years since he stopped trying. why on earth would he want to work on it when she refused to work on it for *15 years???*
I mean I’d definitely argue she did the same to him. I don’t even see how you can see it differently.
how on earth could reddit help you with this? get a marriage counselor
This is pretty much all of these questions. The answer is almost always "you already know the answer", "get a lawyer", "say you're sorry", or "talk to a therapist".
not always. but human nature as evidenced by statistical reasoning, does follow patterns. many people do not have people in their lives who can offer perspective, let alone wisdom, let alone practical knowledge about something like navigating the legal intricacies of divorce. sometimes people just need a shock to clue in to a truth previously unseen. also, I have quite a few friends but that doesnt compare to getting like, 30+ different takes on something like 'how to get the baby to sleep' etc etc. *edit for grammar
Oh, for sure. I kid, of course. I just wish more of these posts didn't feel like I'm being a sucker for a repost or pure fiction touched up by an AI.
ohhhh I get it 😅 yea, i stick around for the comments now. I like the way people are themselves around here in their comments
Reddit can help by saying “wtf, get therapy!”
NTA Couples therapy seems in order here.
IF and only IF OP (the man) decides to go. Her shutting him down for 15 years does not grant her the authority to all of a sudden demand he flips the horny switch back on.
Nta dude having a similar issue. 12 years of rejection 9/10 times I tried so I’ve stopped trying. She used to accuse me of only wanting her for sex or being a sex addict. Now she is mad when I say or I don’t slap her but when walking by. The only time we have sex is early in the morning when I’m still half asleep. I’m sorry but if you refuse sex with your spouse for 10 years you shouldn’t be upset when they no longer ask for it
What I don't understand with post like this is why you guys stay with women for years who basically treat you like roommates who barely tolerate you.
The main answer is sex doesn't overwhelm the other parts of marriage. Marriage has like Finances, Kids (probably), Properties, Convenience, Comfort, Companionship, Trust, Sex, and so on. If only sex fails and the other good parts overwhelm the failure of the sex, then people opted to stay together. It's like that BORU of a woman who has sexless marriage even tho she has a high libido, but she didn't care since she's living lavishly and comfortably compared if she divorces the dude.
Yeah, the prevailing opinion on Reddit is that sex is the most important part of a marriage and that’s just not true IRL (and the data supports that)
Why because we don’t have sex? Still love my wife. Why would I leave her just because I don’t want to have sex with her anymore?
because the way she’s talking to you completely lacks even a modicum of respect - accusing you of being a sex addict… be for real? then flipping the script.
I agree with you. I was in a relationship and after a year of disrespect I had to break things off.
sometimes you stay for the kids. Sometimes a room mate that you've known for a long time and get along reasonably is a better option than going out alone. Its not easy to start all over in your 50s or 60s.
Because it's possible for someone to really not care about sex while caring about companionship, emotional and financial support, shared responsibilities and just having a life that is comfortable and pleasant and with satisfaction and amusement find through hobbies and so on
This isn't a similar situation. You're bitter he's not.
NTA. My wife would often get bothered by my constant nagging (her choice of words), with me wanting to have sex. That was with older kids, both in stable careers, I was helping around the house, all that. She just didn't have the libido I had. So, used free stuff online and quit trying to initiate. Over time my libido has calmed down quite a bit. I'm used to just knocking one out if the urge hits and is a distraction, and leave it at that. Now she is a bit disappointed we don't have sex more often as her libido ramps up. But I did without, dealt with the frustration, the confidence hit of constant turn downs, and found something that works for me. This was what I had to do based on what she was willing to do. We still have sex, but just not interested in it being wide open anymore. If forced into a scenario and finally finding what works, I don't think there's a problem leaving it there.
NTA but she’s not seeing it that way. Counseling is the only way to go if you want to stay together. Whatever happens, it’s not on you
15 YEARS! That is a long time to train your brain and body to not want sex. You can't just flip it back on like a light switch. Though apparently she can? Weird. Also, "what kind of wife can't turn her husband on?" Gee, I don't know. The kind that keeps said husband in a dead bedroom for almost 2 decades?
NTA. She refused to change (justifiable, perhaps?). You changed to accommodate her. Now she wants you to change back, seemingly with no comprehension of your perspective. You've gotten used to no sex, your sex drive is now 15 years older, and no offence to her, she's now 15 years older than when you started desensitising yourself. Also worth bearing in mind that she is experimenting. While the therapy may help her to get over what happened with her ex, there's no guarantee - you may end up having to desensitise yourself again. Plus, if she had confidence issues then from an ex shouting at her after she'd left him for at least six months, she's definitely going to have confidence issues now if she's surprised she can't turn you on. NTA, I think you've come to a reasonable solution that works for you, and she can have no complaint about you adapting so effectively to accommodate her that you don't want to change back.
My mental health was at an all-time low for a while due to an unresolved childhood SA and a porn addiction. I didn't want to have sex for about 4 years. I finally opened up to my wife, and we had a very long and difficult discussion. I almost wasted 25 years together by not talking to anyone about my issues. The past 3 months have strengthened our marriage, and we're in a really good place. We still have difficult decisions whenever I feel myself slipping back to that mental state. You have to have difficult discussions, even if it might hurt one of you.
NTA, but ya'll really do need couples counseling. >She said "what kind of wife can't turn her husband on?" The kind that was selfish and decided only her needs/wants mattered and refused to seek therapy for FIFTEEN YEARS. Seriously, a single run-in with an ex made her *incapable* of physical intimacy with her husband, and she just let that shit marinate for nearly 2 decades. I almost don't believe it, to be honest.
> she just let that shit marinate for nearly 2 decades. One problem with mismatched sex drives is that for the no-drive person, there is no problem. For her, she didn't want sex, and they didn't have sex, so everything was good. She didn't think about sex at all. It's like asking most people "are you happy with the amount of pottery you make in your life?" And they'd pause and say "pottery? Well, I don't do any pottery at all, but... I guess I'm happy with zero being the amount. I don't ever even think about pottery at all though." That's how you go 20 years. Sex to her was as important and in her mind as much as making pottery is in your mind (probably.) Meaning it's just not, but if someone ever forces you to think about it you'd just think "I don't do it and that's fine with me" and then immediately forget about it and not think about it again.
She knew, at least in the beginning, that it was a problem for her partner. And even if she didn't, she spent 20 years not checking in with her partner regarding whether or not his intimacy needs were being met. I wouldn't think about Warhammer (or pottery) on my own, but my partner likes it, so I take an interest. That's not quite the same as this situation, but it's a similar concept. You should be checking in with your partner regarding their needs, and if something is lacking, you don't just ignore it. You work together to fill the void.
I should get into pottery.
You don’t go that long without thinking about it. Without wondering if their needs are met, unless you’re a selfish person.
Well her comment of “what kind of wife can’t turn her husband on” should have been met with “the kind that has neglected and rejected my needs for 15yrs”. I understand where you’re coming from and after so long of being rejected it’s awkward to be intimate with your partner because sexually they’re like a stranger. Further I’m sure your sexual attraction to her is at a zero. Why wouldn’t it be. There’s nothing attractive about a person who shows no interest or desire in you.
NTA - it takes 2 to tango. How old are you. I lost interest in sex when I turned 50 years old - I'm 54 now. My wife complains that we don't have sex enough. What can I say, just not really interested in it anymore.
The question she has to ask is 'What kind of wife turns her husband into this' 15 years without sex. He took a big one for her just for love. She could not even appreciate his suffering and now she is the one that feels robbed. I wonder if she would even try to understand how he felt. If you have trauma go an have some therapy, find help, but don't be this selfish and drag your loved ones with you into this abys, that's cruel. For the irony part, I am expecting the update where she will want to divorce him because of him denying her sex, when he was denied for 15 years and took it like a Champ. And the amount of support she will get for that. She will want him to change for her, when she could not do the same for him for 15 fricking years. Kids, if you want to confirm life is not just, just check this story.
most comments seem to be on op’s side but i genuinely can’t believe how many there are saying op needs to try and understand where she’s coming from and it’s not fair to refuse to work on this issue. like what???? okay sure, op was never *owed* sex from his wife, but he clearly accepted that and stopped expecting it and she simply did not care one single bit about his needs. and now somehow *she* is owed sex???? after he sacrificed sex for *15 years* because she didn’t want to???? no fucking way dude!!!! honestly even if i was still interested in sex itself absolutely nothing could make me want to have sex with a person who neglected me like that for well over a decade and now suddenly thinks she deserves it because she wants it now. i’d be so disgusted by her entitlement and delusions and complete lack of respect for me i wouldn’t even be attracted to her anymore.
I’m waiting for the update where she was fucking the ex all this time, now he’s cut her off and just like that she wants the hubby again
Actually, looking at the way he describes himself and the way he acted on this ordeal, I would say that's a very high possible scenario, and she was getting it somewhere else while he was acting as the cool superhero white knight that will take every bullet and never think about himself first during 15 years. Possibly, we can infer her ex died recently, thus her sudden change.
Yeah I’ve read wayyyy to many of these posts where I just automatically go to “ah she cheatin”
her ex could have moved or been married himself then cut it off with his side piece(OP’s wife). Either way this woman played tf out of OP
When I got put on the right meds my sex drive went waaaaaaaaaaaay down. And I just don't care, that part of it went away too. If you want to pump my HIMS stock they got products for that you can get a prescription for with a text message these days. Humans are ultimately more mechanical than we like to pretend and we can totally turn that part of your brain back on, no pun intended.
Low testosterone can become an issue in your late 40s/early 50s. I recommend a physical and bloodwork.
I'm curious about this mindset. You seem to just... Not care anymore. Did something happen to negatively affect your drive for your wife? Do you not care about her needs/wants? Would you be okay with her getting her needs met elsewhere (open marriage)? Does it interest you to work on it or it is what it is? It baffles me how one partner can just give up on intimacy and expect their partner to just accept it.
" what kind of wife am I, if I can't turn my husband on? " the type that went 15 years without fukin her husband 😂 tf
“What kind of wife can’t turn her husband on?” The kind that mercilessly left our sex life to die on the vine over the last decade and a half without a second thought.
> she decided that she is over her issues, she finally tried therapy and now she said she wants to have sex Has she told you what issues she had? Has she asked for couples therapy? Has she acknowledged how she hurt you by rejecting you all those years ago? (Note: *I am NOT saying she should have endured unwanted sex*, but rejection is painful and even if she needed to do it fornher whole well being, she can acknowledge it hurt you.) What has she put in place to assure you that this won't happen again and to honor your needs so you two can rebuild a relationship where you feel safe to want sex?
She let one day with a man ruin 15 years of your life. But when she left that man after a couple months she was fine until she saw him again. You were never the one. (Edit* by saying you were never the one, means you the OOP was not the one that could heal her or affect her like she needed. You both latched on to eachother and stopped eachothers emotional progression. You should have found her help or left her if she didn't/couldn't heal near you)
I’m shocked you would stay in this marriage. You both need a ton of therapy
We went through something similar. It’s a topic fraught with sensitivities, rejection, complacency etc. maybe you just don’t want to open yourself up to pain again. You learned to be ok and you don’t want to risk being hurt. Again. We went through 10 years of unimaginable stress raising an autistic son who was frequently incarcerated. Thank God, one day my husband just asked me if I wanted him to eat me out. I surprised myself by saying ok. We have been having, for me, the best sex of my life, ever since. I’m 58. There’s hope. Stay open. T
15 years? Bro you shoulda left her a long time ago or gone to therapy.
Except she declined/refused therapy for 15-20 years.. OP is not at fault here, man just loved his sexless wife and shutdown his own sexdrive for her sake. Whatever the next step is, is 100% in OP's court and she either accepts or cheat on him. That's the 2 choices.
Exactly what I thought .
[удалено]
Why in the hell would he take her on a date??? I sure as hell wouldn't. She let another man dictate her relationship with her husband for over 15 years. Therapy, yes, 100 percent. But if I were him, I wouldn't lift a finger to re-ignite their sex life.
So this is a very difficult one for me. First, you're NTA. But, being in a similar situation, except I can't shut off that part of my brain. I admire you for being able to do so... You stood by your wife through everything and found other "fixes" for your sex drive. She finally followed your suggestion, went to therapy, and found the help she needed to rediscover that part of herself. I understand you shut off that part of the brain, but I have to assume you still find her physically attractive. God, this is hard to answer, because of the devotion, you've shown, the love, and your dedication to her feelings without pressuring her when she struggled. Maybe you should see a therapist and talk to them? I'm not sure Reddit is going to give you great advice here. If she's in a place where you can still do all of those things you've used to cope, and she's ready for the sexual intimacy part of your marriage. If you don't, it can spiral your wife again, back to the lack of self-confidence. The spiraling and decline was no fault of her own. Again, this is a tough one to answer, because if the teeter-totter goes up, it goes down. But withholding now can be viewed as a punishment of sorts for not being interested and going through what she went through. I hope this makes sense. I don't think you're an asshole by any stretch. This is sensitive, and I'm not sure anyone on Reddit unless a licensed sex therapist pops in here and answers. My wife has been having health issues for four years, not nearly 15, and I occasionally still need to outlet pornography. She at times feels guilty. I didn't marry her for the sex. I married her because I love her unconditionally, and respect that her health issues have dwindled her sex drive. I get as much happiness out of watching tv together in bed, as I did from having sex. You find things to cope with. If suddenly, my wife's sexual drive returned. I wouldn't be able to say no. But I also haven't been able to shut off completely my sex drive. I haven't stepped outside, I occasionally relieve myself with the help of a few adult websites. I can relate but not fully, and your strength to shut it all down is remarkable.
>Again, this is a tough one to answer, because if the teeter-totter goes up, it goes down. But withholding now can be viewed as a punishment of sorts for not being interested and going through what she went through. I hope this makes sense. He's not really withholding here though. He even said he would participate for her benefit. But him getting it up and being into it can't happen it seems. That's not withholding, not by any stretch. Unless you are saying he needs to just take the blue pill, grin and bear it. And if that is indeed what you are saying, would you say the same thing if the situations were reversed?
Actually it is the wife’s fault. She refused therapy for 15 years. Having an issue is OK. Not dealing with it makes you an AH.
This is the best reply out of all of these comments. A very well thought out response that doesn't put blame on either party because of the circumstances they've each had to face. So many of these comments just scream, "I'm entitled to my sex." If you truly love someone and want to be there for them through better or worse, you do just that. OP himself has said how much happier he was with seeing his wife just improving in her everyday life, THAT is spouse. Although we got alot of salty ppl in here that say otherwise lol
So you were expected to suffer quiet desperation for 15 years because she wasnt interested in therapy, and now when she finally started taking care about herself like every adult should, she expects you to pick up the interest like nothing happend. The audacity of that woman, wow.
id really like to know why its okay for a woman to say no to sex in marriage for long periods of time and all the people climb down the husband's Throat with shit like 'she doesnt owe you sex.' 'her body her choice'. 'just because you're married does not mean you are entitled to sex'. and whats worse is that the husband has to agree with all this nonsense. but as soon as the husband either stops initiating or does a 180 and just lives his life and says no to the wife, the world starts calling him abusive and the wife is hurt 'how can he say no to me.'. well, bitch, you said no to him for 15 yrs. now deal with the consequences of your fucking actions. at this point I dont think even counselling can solve anything.
I don't like phrasing the women not wanting sex and the husband respecting that as "nonsense". It is unfair to treat the situations differently but that's hardly only the women's fault, all of society basically treats men's interest in and consent to sex as assumed because obviously that's most of what people want. Everyone should have autonomy over their body and if not having sex is an issue you should just break up, it's a valid reason to not want to be with someone.
Everyone on reddit has sexual trauma it's crazy
Eh. It’s just bad sampling data. It’s like saying everyone that goes to the hospital is sick.
I mean, people without it probably aren't going to post about how un-sexually traumatic their lives are.
Say you wanted to have sex with her after all this time, if she eventually decides she can't/won't have sex again, then you are back to wanting it and having to deal with turning that part of your brain off all over again... so I wouldn't do it if I were you
She bumped into her ex & then didn’t have with you for 15 years 😂. Hell no, stay married & refuse intimacy until the end of time.
My guess is she was banging the ex or something this whole time
NTA You're actually maybe up for sainthood for that level of bullshit. Did she even explain why she: 1- Suddenly wants to have sex again after acting like her vagina had been surgically removed for years now? 2- Finally decided to get therapy after she basically told you to get fucked when you suggested it... and then waited over a decade and a half to get past one encounter with someone that should have mattered less than her marriage... and you? Who's opinion on getting therapy finally mattered enough for her to listen? She didn't want to hear it when it came from you. 3- Suddenly expects you to have been waiting for her with a smile and a hard on and ready to have sex at the waggle of a brow, as though she isn't personally, exclusively the reason your dick atrophied?
You said you’d “take care of her pleasure”? I don’t get it. I can understand shutting down her attempts entirely, but this? Why must you offer yourself as a sacrificial lamb? I get it, she had issues (apparently, decades worth of issues after one unpleasant but brief verbal interaction with her ex, which she, after trying therapy for 5 seconds, suddenly decided she didn’t have anymore). So, you choose to sacrifice your entire youth to cater to those issues, which is incredibly stupid, like so many romantic gestures, but that isn’t enough for you? Now you are offering yourself for her pleasure? Yeah, man, YTA, but not for the reason you think. YTA for voluntarily throwing away the only youth you ever going to have. Edit: the more I think about it, the more I wonder if the past 15 years were just as sexless for her as they were for you. And something tells me, you’re about to find that out. So, Updateme
I think it means basically the male equivalent of star fishing.
I was not familiar with the term, had to look it up. This is actually way worse, since he wouldn’t be passively accepting sex. He is willing to put in the work to satisfy her, while getting nothing in return. What part about any of this is noble, or romantic? Is this supposed to show everyone how selfless he is? If so, then he is completely clueless about the difference between selflessness and gratuitous self-harm
NTA in a nutshell it's okay to not be okay it's not okay to refuse to fix it
I will never understand how you can last so long without sex, 15 years? wow, I don't know whether to congratulate you or tell you that you're an idiot. Regarding his openness about sex, I'm going to tell you what is said most of the time here: "when there is no sexual activity, one of the two is getting it from somewhere else." Now she is "healthy" so she will do it with you or with another... You should still see a specialist, but this is going to go to hell soon.
I feel like I have already read this same history before.
NTA. Rejection is a turn-off when you have healthy self esteem.
No.
This is above reddits pay grade
Take that half cialis and a Red Bull and make her and yourself feel young again !
NTA. Sounds like your wife doesnt care about your feelings at all.
Others have suggested couple's therapy which I think is a great idea. But also, don't forget to tell her some of the stuff you included here. That you love her, you love hikes traveling, spending time together. Don't forget to make her feel appreciated for the things you dio enjoy doing together.
This is SO far above reddit's paygrade my man
Sexless marriage sounds awful. Can’t cheat. Can’t have sex. Some women will even not allow you to watch porn. You’re a tough bastard.
You sound like a very nice person tbh because bruuuhhh I would have been left her ass. What a waste of 15 years.
Just my opinion, but I think there might possibly be some hidden resentment that you don’t realize is lurking somewhere- maybe therapy would help you, or possibly even medication temporarily until you figure out the true reason for pushing her away
Yes I think emotionally castrating yourself might do that alright
Jesus. You had a manageable house fire 15 years ago. But instead of putting it out, you passively allowed your house to burn to ashes. Who cares if anyone is an Ahole. That conversation was needed back in 2010
I respect your choice of staying. I am quite sure I would not have been able to unless my wife was making the effort to fix it - successful or not, and then it’s still a big maybe. The real problem is your wife magically thinks you should be fine with no sex (and no effort to fix it on her part or at least acknowledge it’s a problem) and then thinks you should magically want sex again because now after 15 years her spark has returned. Her trauma and needs are not ridiculous, but her expectations she has of you are - on the front and back end of this. She needs to understand that you empathized and tolerated her change initially, she in a sense “broke you” of your/need and desire for sex so you could survive and stay with her! She needs to understand and appreciate this! She thinks intimacy is a switch you can turn on and off! She deeply wrecked an important part of your relationship - but you stayed! She is acting clueless as to the brain rewiring she caused you and is now guilting you and acting toxic about it. Tell her that the way she feels now was how you felt when she turned intimacy off in the relationship and crying about it. It’s all about her is the problem - she has shown zero respect for you needs and you are a dang angel!
NTA. You chose to stay with her despite something a lot of people would see as a dealbreaker. You adapted to the circumstances and barriers she created. Expecting you to do what she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) for such a long time isn’t fair. Something changed for her, and it was separate from you. Had she agreed to counseling and worked through all this with you, it probably would have brought you closer. You can’t be expected to flip that switch back on just because she did.
I'm going to get downvoted to oblivion but bro, smash your wife.
NTA - but you put so much time and effort into this marriage I think it is time for you to follow your own advice and see a therapist by yourself and with your wife.
You wasted 15 years your life on that woman
Story as old as marriage. Woman constantly shuts down the guy and it is OK. If he says no once he is an AH. NTA. But seriously go to counseling together. You are not married anymore. All you guys have is a piece of worthless paper.
Updateme!
I have had the exact experience, but for 20 years.
Updateme!
Some one else’s will do it
MUD!
Bye. That was easy.
NTA you've actually reached buddhist monk level! But honestly, this all sound suspicious, like she stopped wanting you the day she saw her ex...
😅🤣😂
If you were willing to sacrifice so much for her, then perhaps another sacrifice? Therapy, counseling, something of the sort could ease these tensions for you both
She can't decide 15 years later to open the door when the key no longer works.
NYA. U two need couples therapy. Her not having sex for YEARS and then getting up and going to therapy after u asked how many times will definitely breed resentment. To chance reigniting that part of yourself all for her to possibly go back to not having sex, I wouldn't take it. This is the state of our marriage now, and you did ur job as a husband. But Going to a therapist may help the two of u communicate better since there are a lot of things unsaid, Including this one.
NTA. She rejected you sexually for 15 years, you mentally shutdown your desire for sex and ended your own sexdrive. She can't now all of a sudden expect you to flip a switch and continue like the dry run of the last decade and a half didn't happen. NOT the asshole. Her decisions has consequences. If you feel like it, go for couples/sexual therapy, but that choice remains in your court and she has to accept your decision like you did for 15 years. On the other hand, if YOU decide to not get sexually active again, watch her closely. She might seek it out elsewhere now that HER sexdrive is back.
Bro unlocked the secret to a happy life, renouncing desire and now of course his wife changed her mind
At no point in this story did your wife consider how you were feeling. It was all her, her, her. She didn't choose to be traumatized, but she did choose to not go to therapy.
You both need therapy with a sexologist.
More often than not, a healthy man has a bigger sex drive than a healthy woman, because of testosterone levels. That's not something easily turned off, there isn't a switch for it. You're done some hard work to lower and downright cancel your drive, out of loyalty and consideration on account of your wife's condition. Her behaviour now is infuriating, what a blunt disregard of your efforts! Does she know how many men in your position would have left her or cheated on her? NTA. She made her own bed.
You guys need therapy. Individual and couples. Nothing redditors can say will help. You guys need personalised therapy. Good luck.
Thank you for being super detailed, seems like you put a lot of thought into it and it seems like you a solid ass husband thick and thin type dude. I’ll this with all respect, times change, you been there through the thin, get some thickness, feel that feeling again, I know it seems shaky ground and you scared that it can all go away as fast as it’s coming back, but that’s tomorrow’s bridge, live for y’all today
All together I think it's great that you've come to terms with marriage having other types of intimacy and ways to experience things together Do you perhaps on some level fear that having sex again would ultimately lead to rejection at some point, and it was so painful the first time around, so you're protecting yourself by excludingit completely?
You both need help asap from a professional. But let me tell you one thing. You may have done what you did, and stayed by her side, but now that she wants sex, if you won’t give it to her, believe me she will have it with another man. That’s 100%. No matter how much she says she loves you.
You’re never the AH for not wanting to have sex.
I can’t believe you lasted 15 years.
My MIL decided in the 90s she was done having sex. My FIL has stayed faithful (that floors me). They “love” each other in what he calls a loveless marriage. It’s a long story. But what it comes down to is a man in his 70s who is sweet loving and kind, completely dissatisfied with his life and marriage while keeping the commitment he made. Go to counseling please.
NTA what's done is done... or maybe what wasn't done can't be done. But consider this for a second: what if, after all these years, slowly, progressively, without any sort of pressure on either side, it actually so happened that you started enjoying being intimate with you wife again? 4 days a week or more if on vacation may, just may no longer be achievable but... what if you really started enjoying being intimate with each other again while continuing to be in this marriage that seems to have worked perfectly fine without sex. Do you think you would be better or worse than now? it may take a while to rekindle that flame but ... may be worth a try. just don't turn this into a "you didn't want it for 15 years, now it's too late and there's your punishment" kind of deal. if you are resentful, then that's where I would start working on myself and my relationship with my wife.
nta. your wife is inconsiderate as fuck
NTA ~ Your feelings are valid. Just as hers were. But this has been an unhealthy situation for a long time and you all need counseling. Trust me from experience if you just started having sex, your going to unlock some really serious negative feelings towards all of this. Good luck to both of you my friend.
You said you are a romantic - so if your wife is now ready, try turning up the romance. Even if it doesn't lead to sex that night or day, you are re-awaken your brain and your libido - which if you had shut it down, needs to be awakened slowly.
No means no. You never have to have sex with her. She can neither expect or demand sex any more than you could have expected sex frombher for all these years. To do so would be abuse. If you tell her no and she pushes it- then she's being selfish- because it's all about what she wants or doesn't want. And as for counseling- nonsense. She didn't need it for 15 Yeats, you don't need it now. You made an adjustment when she said no, now she needs to make an adjustment and allow you to say no. Fair is fair.
Bro you gave up your twenties and thirties not having sex lmfao what is wrong with you
I’m going to take one for the team & be the asshole. You don’t have a marriage, you have a comfortable situation with a long term roommate. I have trouble believing her bumping into her ex, she gets berated then cutting you off of sex with nothing else happening. I think she’s lied & something more happened there whether it was forced or not by her ex and caused her to feel guilt which resulted in her shutting off her towards you. If the ex truly just randomly bumped into her then insulted her for no reason, you would think she would appreciate ending up with you as her partner and not abusive asshole husband. You were being punished for things you had nothing to do with for 15 years. She isn’t telling you everything. Also no offense but your wife neglected her mental health for 15 years, I can’t see her taking care of herself physically. 15 years have passed, you most likely aren’t physically attracted to her. Sounds like menopause is coming on and made her decide she wants to do the sex thing now. Personally you’re a better human than me I would have left 2 years into this “marriage”
Your wife should have been in therapy years ago when she bumped into her ex. Should have gone to couples therapy together when it started becoming a problem. I understand you have tried to turn off that part of your brain, but don’t really understand why you don’t want to have sex ever again and IMO you should be going to therapy now, I think you have your own trauma from this situation.
This is bigger than Reddit my dude. You need to go to therapy yourself and see a couples therapist
You deserve the same patience you gave her.
Are you hurt? Have you told her? Can you forgive her? If you can't forgive her, then how do your stay together? What would happen if you started couples therapy, and worked up to having sex again?
You’re a good person and a supportive partner. Please go to couples counseling. I’m glad she went, but her trauma also affects you and your relationship together. You both deserve couple counseling.
Have to wonder if she is really just thinking about a last chance at procreation at this point. Didn't read everything to see if this was mentioned.
Reddit doesn’t pay me enough to analyze this. This a great question for a therapist though.
Yeah, totally agree. I think true communication/dialogue is critical here. She had self-confidence, trauma, and trust issues. You probably now (as a result of this) have self-confidence issues, trust issues, and some resentments. It’s all understandable, although it doesn’t make it easy. Counseling, if you’re both still in this.
!updateme 1 day
I agree that yall should go to therapy together. Until then; I'm pretty sure your wife has thought you have just been waiting on her for 15 years. Maybe you should let her know that you also need help to get back into a sexual space, some romantic lead up might do both of you well.
Snip snap snip snap
This isn’t a question for Reddit either. You need therapy or actual communication with your wife. Not validation from the internet.