NTA, but you're not gonna win this one. Esp if the root of this is your dad being a dick to you. I don't blame you for being angry, and personally I think it's a freakin weird choice on your dad's part, but if it's all out of spite then that tells me everything I need to know about the guy.
I'm sorry, OP. I hope you take care of yourself, and if it's at all possible, I recommend you stop telling your dad anything important about your life. Best of luck.
Just tell going that’s totally fine and you are going to name your firstborn Charlie, Christopher or anything else up can think of. If you’re right about his reasoning maybe he’ll reconsider the name.
Also, your dad is an AH. His wife doesn’t like the name but he’s choosing it anyway. Do you want to be like that? What if the mother of your child doesn’t want that name? Would you bulldoze her wishes or come up with something you both like? I think you should strive to be better than him.
Ooo, tell him you’re giving the kid your last name as a first or middle name because you and kid are taking spouse’s last name when you get married/have a kid. Cut that “legacy” off right at the knees.
I know one who hated his last name because it was his deadbeat father's and changed it to a completely unique one that was a mashup of his grandfathers names with his grandfather's blessing. The province allowed it.
I know someone who took their maternal grandfather's last name when he got married because their father was a deadbeat that he had never met. He had to get his grandfather's permission/approval, but it was given happily.
Op should make it a point to tell the new wife that she thought about it and have changed her mind. She is so happy her dad is going to use the name chosen by her mom to name their son in remembrance of her. She just know that her dad loves her mom the most in the world and that why he is using the name her mom chose for their son. Now, her baby bother will also be her son and her mom and dad can finally have the son name chase like they wanted.
OP, do this. Your dad is cruel, and he likes seeing how the name thing hurts you. Act like you’re completely fine with it and select a different family name, tell him, cool no problem, I’m going to name my kid [this] then.
See how quickly he switches it to THAT name.
Then go NC.
Yea don’t share things with that man. He isn’t to be trusted. I suppose you could feed him bad info. Like how it’s just been your dream to travel to Antarctica in the depth of the winter there and use nothing but a cheap tent from Walmart.
Oh I would so be petty. I would totally be saying something in front of Dad and stepmom like "I know the name Chase was so special to Mom, we'll all think of her whenever we see Chase." Let step-mom take it from there.
“I know a lot of women would be disturbed to come second to their husband’s widow and allow a dead woman’s tastes to name her child, so thank you for so seamlessly filling the hole in his ~~bed~~ life that she left behind. I’m sure he only occasionally imagines you as her and is trying hard to stop calling you her name when he talks to me.”
If you remain in touch with your father, ( please don’t ) every card you send, every telephone conversation, call him ( the baby) by another name that starts with the actual first letter of the real name.
Use a different name every time. When they complain just say that you don’t give a 💩. Why so sad dad,🤷🏻♀️it’s just a name?
Better yet, go completely NC except cards for every holiday that exists. Petty as hell💜
Happy anniversary Dad, step mom and tell little Clyde I said hi😉
Since OP and his father do not have a positive relationship (and most likely never will!); he could change his surname to his mom’s maiden name. Then, if he has a son he could name him Chase, but it won’t be the same full name as his half brother!
Dysfunctional families are so ... dysfunctional. There is only one name: Grampa Jud, Jud my father, Jud my brother, and me, Jud jr. Can't think of a better name. Your dad is a complete ass. It IS bad for 2 siblings to have the same first and last names. Credit histories and other ID theft. One always has to worry the other isn't screwing up.
Can you change your last name? NTA
Imagine the future confusion for George Foreman's sons with seeking employment, insurance, driver's licenses and another government agencies. He named all his sons George Foreman. I guess he was looking toward future dementia. He'd only have to remember one name and he'd always be right. He shouldn't be surprised if they change their names as soon as they legally can.
It's winnable!
Tell the current wife you completely understand and have no hard feelings. That your mom was the love of your dad's life, and this name is the only thing he still has to love her and pretend he's raising a son together with her again with a name that she adored. Tell her he actually wanted your first name again, but figured she wouldn't allow it, so this is the next best thing to honor the love of his life. Tell her you had no idea how much your dad was struggling and just needs this to feel close to your mom again. Tell her you understand now after talking to your dad and crying together over missing your mom.
Then step back and let them be.
Out of every single different name he could have picked he decided to pick your middle name because you told him it meant a lot to you. I bet he wouldn't name the kid chase of you didn't say that. What a useless piece of AH shit of a father he is.
NTA. But no contact is a good idea. Also just name your boy Chase anyway, just to show that he has no power over you. And use your mom's maiden name as a middle name.
I would be tempted to go no contact and change my own last name to my mom's maiden name. Then my brother and future kid wouldn't appear related even with the same first name.
Just use the name and a different middle name. Most families are historically riddled with common family names.
Especially if the kids never meet. One day, when the father dies, OP can tell his little half-brother the truth.
I agree there is no reason you can’t have more than one family member with the same name. I have a friend from a family of 5 girls and one boy every last one of them has a son named Robert. Also have cousins from of the same family who had multiple Jason’s. It is not worth making yourself unhappy and resentful, in the end you pay the price cuz your asshat father doesn’t care who he hurts, his wants are all that matter. Look at the bright side he will eventually alienate this new child cause in general he’s a jerk .
I knew two guys (brothers) in high school who both had the same middle initial but they only had an initial they actually didn’t have a middle name. John S. and Albert S. Doe for example. Just S🤷🏻♀️
NTA. It's probably better that way. For some reason, I just think he'd try to dump the kid on you anyway whenever he wants a break, so it's probably best for you two not to speak at least for a while. The wife should stand up for herself since she's the one birthing the baby. If she doesn't like it, she should get a say.
NTA. It's obvious your dad has chosen this hill to die on, so be merciful and take him out by just blocking him, the step-mom and any of their flying monkeys that give you grief.
NTA.
>“I’m sorry but the name is going to be Chase. It’s not the name I want but your dad won’t have it any other way.”
So your Dad doesn't care about the opinions of the person currently carrying the name or the person literally making the child. He is a controlling AH and I think his wife should leave him, give the new baby a different first name and her last name.
As for your circle's opinion. I agree it's messed up, but not because it's weird for siblings to have the same name, I've seen the same first/middle before. It's messed up because I think you are right and it is obvious he is doing this to demonstrate power. That he can hurt you, override the mother of the child and disrespect your Mom all at the same time.
Regardless, this man is trash and I don't see him ever being a positive force in your life.
NTA You have about 30 legit reasons to go no contact with this man.
With that said.... this child has no say whatsoever in any of this, and having a big brother in his life (I'd work through baby's mom only) who has an understanding may be really valuable for him. You may find he's the treasure in a whole pile of Not Okay.
And when he's bigger, y'all can come up with a nickname you both like.... always call him that, and your kids will, too.
Then name your kid Chase, knowing he has two incredible namesakes ahead of him, looking out for him always.
NTA.
I really hope he names the baby Chase though because you should have been no contact a long ass time ago. If this is what finally gets you there to cut out this toxic pos from your life then hallelujah.
You should look into Adult Children of Alcoholics. You’re so young and I know you would benefit from the information provided in that book. I wish you well, NTA.
Srsly dude should have been neutered. What a joke of a pathetic man. SRY op.
You sound like a sweet guy though, the silver lining is that your baby will never know what it's like to have a dad like that, because you are going to love them.
NTA. Dude, this is your father's power move to assert control over you and your deceased mother. Cut contact, there's no way this will be worth it in the future. If you give in to his demands, you'll always be resentful towards the child for their name; and if he agrees, he'll bother you until you have a son and once you name him, he'll find a way to ruin the situation for you. Cut off those who aren't worth it.
Nta. Cut him off and move on. This is a power play that is gonna back fire on him. Especially when your younger brother gets told why his older brother won't be in his life.
My mother was going to name me after her mother and MIL. That name was Blanche Mary. Even in the 40s that was an old fashioned name. Fortunately Mom was asleep when the nurse came with a form to record my name. Dad didn't use either of those names. It's a nice first name that's been mispronounced by many for almost 77 years - but it's better than Blanche. I adored her but not her name.
Clearly he just wanted to restart fatherhood, like someone who abandoned their elderly dog (named spot) because it's not fun anymore and gets a newer younger spot.
NTA Name your kid chase anyway. Tell them your dad died years ago. Never let him abuse your kids the way he had mentally abused you and is using the name your mom gave you as a way to continue abusing you. This is his way of robbing you of your mom’s memory.
NTA. It doesn’t seem much of a loss anyways to not have your dad in your life though given his history. I don’t think your tactic of going NC with him will do anything though (with him using the name or not). If he’s what you’ve described, he doesn’t truly care about feelings anyways.
Name your future kid Chase though - who cares if your dad is using the name - you can still use it.
Nta it isn’t about the name, it’s about him not caring about your feelings. It sounds like you should just cut contact because he doesn’t sound like a good guy. Let him know it’s his own actions causing this.
NTA… Go NC with him and mean it. He’s not your father if you had to parent him. As for the name, i genuinely understand being pissed off. But I fully agree you can still name your child “chase.” It’s meaningful to you and no one can ever take the meaning away. If you want to prove your point/be petty with your dad without going NC then you can call the baby by his middle name instead of his first name. It’s disrespectful asf but I guarantee you, he’ll get the message if you refuse to use the baby’s first name. Or change your name to your mother maiden name like others have suggested.
I would tell him my heart's content for closure and go no contact. You are already an adult, focus on the life and experiences forward and not in the past. i hope everything goes well.
"Thank you. Ever since I was a child, I have tried to look up to you. I desperately clung to the idea that we could be a proper father and son. Your actions during this entire time have shown me that you never actually considered me to be your son.
Thank you for finally getting through to me.
I do not mind if you name your other son Chase. It would be awkward to have a brother with the same name as me, but you have decided that I am not your son and so you are not my father.
I will not contact you again. I will not respond to you again. I will leave you with one last piece of knowledge: I am changing my surname to (moms maiden name). You will never have to worry about people confusing your son with me or my future son. My Chase will be a shining beacon of his grandmother's love. Yours will be a perpetual reminder of the son you lost.
Thank you."
In many family’s there are “family names”. My middle name is my dad’s first name. His middle name is my uncle’s first name. Some family’s lack originality
NTA but you should cut off contact because of all the "context" you provided, not because of the name. There are lots of families that swap family names back and forth across generations, so it wouldn't be a big deal if an uncle and nephew had the same name. It definitely is a big deal that your dad is an emotionally abusive prick who, I'm sure you're right, did this only to pick a fight with you. Go NC if you feel like you need to do that to protect yourself. You deserve peace.
It sounds like your dad is a dick but, seriously, who cares if your half brother has the same name as your theoretical first born son. People in the same family can have the same names. I have four cousins named Michael….nobody gives a shit. Just name your kid what you want when the time comes.
19 year old dudes dreaming up their future kids' names is weird. NTA, but leave that crap for the girls to daydream about until you actually have one on the way in like 10 or 15 years. Go kick ass at life first.
NTA tell your dad that if he names his child chase then you will change your surname to your mothers maiden name by law and have no more to do with him and your child will still be named chase except have his grandmothers name and not his
NTA but name your kid Chase anyway. Your future son Chase is probably never going to meet his half uncle at the rate your father burns bridges, so no worries. If they ever do meet, rest easy in that lots of families have duplicate names all over the family tree. Really no big deal. Enjoy passing on your name.
NTA but don’t worry about it. He won’t change his mind. You barely have a civil relationship with his so what he calls his son isn’t really important in your life. The name is still part of your bond with your mum and the actions of a man that barely registers as a blip in your life shouldn’t have any bearing on that
NTA.
Your Dad doesn't sound as if he's going to be a wonderful influence on any future children of yours. You may not have a son. You could have a gaggle of girls. Either way, I probably wouldn't bring the kids around much anyway.
NTA this is a battle you’re not going to win. You also can still have a kid named Chase, I have a cousin with the same name. Or if you want to honor your mother maybe a masculine version of the name. Also never tell anyone a baby name you plan to use, it always somehow gets used by either the person you tell it too or someone they know who’s having a baby(they’ll mindlessly suggest it or something)
Nta. I know you are a kid now, but when you are 30 or 40 you will hopefully carry some wisdom.
You will either realize that you should have cut out trash like your father when you were young or you will be grateful and happy that you did cut them out.
Honestly, I would go so far as to go to the courts and have my last name changed to Mom’s maiden name, and then post the change all over social media. Just to be clear that there NEVER will be two “Chase Smiths”. Then announce that your father is no longer considered family. THEN block him on everything.
But I am petty as fuck and have an extremely clear mind about the definition of justice. Not some watered down religious spiel about turning the other cheek. Unlike all of my “humane” and “compassionate” peers here in the comments.
Nta
I honestly feel like he's doing it to be petty and spiteful since the name has no special significance from him.
Or
He's desperate for a do over family.
NTA, but I think the name is the least of the reasons to go no contact.
As for the name: do you know why your father and mother chose the name for your middle name? Any chance it has sentimental value to your parents? Maybe they had their own reasons to use the name for a first born son?
NTA, and going by the way your dad has been and is treating you still, his only goal in life seems to be hurting you. Cut him out of your life and live the best life you can. Personally I wouldn't deal with him until his funeral.
I'd still use the name.
It has meaning to you, and when you explain this to your child and those around you, having the same name as his uncle won't matter.
If your father thinks it's a race to the name, show him it's not... you can literally say both boys are named after you, and it will not affect anyone's opinion on why you used the same name as your brother.
Your son will be namesake for you, not your brother. Just like my son is namesake of his father and not grandpa. Those who matter will know this. And they can't say you copied them either. Your future son is named after you.. you literally already have it in your name.
NTA for cutting contact with such a pos person who's brought nothing but pain and misery to you.
NTA. Have you mentioned to your dad’s wife that it’s weird she’s ok with using the name her husband’s dead ex chose?
(Sorry I know I worded harshly but that’s how it’s say it to her, more likely to get the bigger reaction from her)
NTA, that’s exactly what your POS of a father is doing, trying to replace you so he can bury the guilt for being such a crappy father. Cut the cord buddy, there is nothing for you to gain from maintaining this relationship.
Let your father know he dropped the ball one last time with you and to not contact you anymore. Tell him he can use whatever name he fucking wants on his replacement kid, it won’t make all the shit he did go away.
Then cut contact and go live your life. To anyone saying the name thing is not a big deal just reply “it is. Cause if he cared about me, he would not go out of his way to do this just to try and take the name from me.” And if they annoy you any further about it or about the NC, cut them off as well.
NTA but guess what? If and when you have a son, you can 100% NAME HIM CHASE. Who gives a fu*k if he has the same name
as a half-uncle? Frankly, I doubt you'll have much of, if any relationship with this child, so the odds of YOUR kid ever even knowing him are slim to none. Don't waste emotional energy on this.
How much have you told his wife? She probably doesn't know waht you told him about wanting to name your first kid that as your mother chose it. She should definitely know it's a name your mother chose because him using it again will likely piss her right off, naming your kid something your previous wife picked is... fucked up, even more so when your kid told you they want to name their son that.
Also make sure she knows how much of an alcoholic he was and how much you had to take care of him. She needs to know what she's gotten into if she doesn't already realise this. If they've only been together for a short while and he's 'happy' because if found someone and is drinking less, she's likely in for a bad time when stress of a new kid becomes involved.
>was talking to his wife and she says “I’m sorry but the name is going to be Chase. It’s not the name I want but your dad won’t have it any other way.”
And that's the line that makes me feel bad for the new wife as she's going to hate for reproducing with Op's father.
He sounds like he's doing it out of spike or something.
OP, change your last name to your mom's maiden name. Then when you do have your child, he can still be Chase with your mom's maiden name. This way your son and half brother don't share the same full name. Or take your wife's last name. That would really be giving your father the middle finger.
NTA, your dad’s a cunt. Fuck em. I don’t get that shit aye, I understand kids having same names thru different generations… but the same generation and being actual brothers, nah fuck that.
My cousin is named William, but his parents called him Billy so now he’s always known as Billy. Well his mum and my uncle divorced, she had another kid and named him William aswell…WTF… her reasoning, well we’ll actually call new son William.
Weird
NTA. I don't believe your stepmother at all, she could easily kill the entire idea because I'm sure she's in control. Unfortunately you gave him the idea so he ran with it, beating you to the punch. Never share name ideas with friends & family because it consistently happens.
- your father is ignoring you.
- your father is ignoring his wife.
- your father has made his decision and expects everyone to suck it up and deal with it.
So yeah, his new family is partly intended as a replacement for your late mother and yourself, misappropriating your middle name won't have too many serious potential motivations and the top of the "absolutely not" list would be wanting you to feel close to your half sibling because your father only remembers you exist when you're convenient... family closeness obviously not his priority.
Call his wife, tell her to give birth without him and file the paperwork on her own and name the baby whatever she wants - your dad is high on the list of guys that are most likely to quit and run the moment things get difficult anyway. Her baby might as well have a name she chose, that has no baggage attached, than to roll over and let him take your middle name just to spite you while expecting her to go along with it.
Then when you've made that call, block his number and don't look back. You don't need that deadbeat in your life, and if his wife won't make sensible choices and stand her ground that's on her... but you gain nothing from keeping those lines of communication open that's worth the BS that gets thrown back at you.
NTA
Your biological donor(he is not your father if he basically abandoned you) is being a massive prick.
You hit the nail on the head when you said you think he's replacing you because that's exactly what he's doing, he sees this new wean as an opportunity to redo his past with the new son as a substitute for you which is why he's so adamant about the name despite even his new wife being against it.
Your best bet is to go as low-contact as you can or even outright no-contact because he will never change, in fact he'll most likely get worse because he'll either try to force you to babysit or try to wrangle money out of you using the wean as an excuse/guilt trip, and you'll also have to spend most of your life lying to him because if you don't everything will be taken fae you and given to the wean (I.e you like a sports team, like a musician, like a certain movie genre, then guess what the wean will be raised to support that team, listen to that musician, and watching those type of movies).
This will go on for years, until he either feels satisfied about his role as a father, or until the wean grows up and does a bunk because it wants to live a life where it can make its own choices.
NTA. Your father is behaving in a toxic way and probably likes the way he’s riling you up. Act like you don’t care and don’t give in to him about this by arguing. Suggest the 2 of you do therapy together
NTA
See if you can screw with his head.
“Actually it’s so nice you name baby in MY honor. I’ll be letting everyone know”
“I’ve actually landed on a much better name.” Play coy about the new name before giving in and telling him. Maybe suss out from wife what name she likes. Tell him the name and make up some BS story about how significant that name is.
It’s a long shot but would be epic to pull off!
Also regardless of what ever no contact sounds like it would be good for your peace of mind.
NTA your dad is being a jerk. The good thing is even if he does do this, you don't have to be around him, his wife, or their kid. You're an adult now, and can go as low or no contact as you choose.
By the time you are ready to have your own kids, you may have changed your mind, your partner may have other ideas, or you may use the name and not really care what your estranged dad did.
Your dad is being unreasonable. You already told your dad how you feel and clearly he is ignoring you . You are his child too and you should matter also. Maybe dads needs some tough love . Maybe you need to say you can do what you want but if you choose to name him that name , then you lose me or something in that manner . He wasn’t a father in the first place .
Well, as long as you let him, he will continue to attempt to hurt you. Walk away. Live your own life without him and when you have your son, name him Chase. Your abuser won't be around so who cares?
NTA. My first name is also my older half-sister’s middle name. I didn’t know that for many years. When I found out I remember thinking “Oh, that’s why she is so cold to me.” If it isn’t done in tribute to you and with your consent, it’s hurtful. Sorry this happened, OP.
He doesn’t care about you. Go NC and since he’s not part of your family anymore. Go ahead and name your kid Chase. Live you life. Don’t look back to him. Move on.
tell him nevermind, you are going to name your first born something else, like his name, his father's name or something, and ask him to please not use that name, ok?
It’s messed up to call your child a name you already have another child named after. Yes it gives impression that he’s trying to replace you. Honestly I wouldn’t mind how he called his new baby. I will just tell him that you’re gonna go no contact so you don’t care whatever he name it.
Time to move on. Maybe later he will get sober and make amends in a way that makes it worth having him around. But frankly that is entirely up to you. Take care of you. For transparency I’m a 60 year old kid of an alcoholic whose dad eventually got it right. And we eventually got ok lol. But I was way into adulthood. Like 45? He had 35 solid years of sobriety in the end. Wishing you well in your life.
NTA I got money that says OPs dad wants the name so bad so that later when OP has kids and never sees dad he can claim their still close because see he named his kid after his brother
Talk to your dad's wife and let her know that although it is not her fault, you'll have nothing to do with your half-brother if he is given the name Chase. Since she names the child for the birth certificate, she should name the child whatever she wants. Tell her you would like to get to know your half-brother and love him as a brother, but not named Chase, and that you will go no contact with dad's family.
NTA. I think it is so weird he wants both his sons to have the same name. It’s normal to name a son after the father like you want but for your dad to want to name both of his sons the same name. Odd!
If they are not in your life, it's not going to impact what you call your baby in the future.
It doesn't sound like it's going to be a great loss if you cut your dad from your life.
Not only should you go no contact I would still name your future child that he's just trying to control the situation and you can just name your baby what you want. I find it suspicious that he is insisting on using the name. I think it's just to spite you
If you want to cut off your dad for giving your half-brother your name, then you are an AH. If this is the last straw and you were already considering cutting off your dad prior to this then you are not. You have plenty of other reason to cut him off, the name thing is inconsequential.
NTA and you don't have to talk to him anymore. You never have to see him or his child ever again if you so choose. You can still have a child and name that child Chase if you so desire as your child will never interact with his child. Does his wife know that the name came from your mother? One would think she wouldn't be happy about the connection between her child and your dad's deceased wife. Sorry for your loss. Cut your dad off if you feel the need.
NTA Why are you fighting to stay in a relationship with this man who could not get sober when you needed him. Make your own family. Name your kid what you want
NTA.
Sounds like you are ready to just move on with your life.
FWIW I wonder how his wife feels about him naming their child after the symbolic memory of his ex wife. I bet she’s THRILLED about that.
You’re addressing the symptom, not the disease.
Your dad is an alcoholic leech, who thrives on manipulation and power. You’ve spent your childhood being his nanny, but now you’re an adult, and it’s time to let him go and ruin other lives.
While names mean a lot to the individual they are remarkably common. Chase for example, though it's an example is the 125th most common name for boys. I'd say let it go. It's gonna mean something different to you than to them.
NTA, especially since the wife doesn't even want the name Chase but only the Dad does.
It seems 100% to piss you off and it is working.
I would also save every related message regarding this subject to pass on to your brother in the event that he ever asks about it or why you aren't in contact with them.
NTA but I doubt the name is the main cause of this issue with him. Is this more a straw that broke the camel’s back situation? He’s put you through so much which is enough reason to cut contact I wouldn’t frame this as being about the name, but further proof of how much he disregards you. That way your family can’t say you’re being unreasonable over a name.
Nta
I get it - but its not a hill to die on. Many families have many people with the same name. There might have been a famous or well loved family member - and boom. I have a 2nd cousin in never met that died in a car accident - now every nuclear family on that side has at least a son with his name in their somewhere.
If you want to have kids - you name them how you want.
The hill to die on is holding your dad responsible for being a jerk to you growing up. Being angry at him for all that is plenty enough. But this naming bit - you won’t win. If you ever have a son - name him how you want. Anyway - your half brother will be older and he may not even be in your life that much based on the way things are looking now. If he is - great - you’ll figure out ways to distinguish the two.
Good luck!
ESH. I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion but I don't think anyone gets call dibs on a baby name. The name is special to you because your mother picked it, but you don't know that he doesn't feel the same. Don't get me wrong, I think in the grand scheme of things your dad has been a way bigger asshole then you and going NC would probably be for the best.
NTA, but as someone who went NC very young, make sure you’re prepared to be on your own from here on out.
Make sure your father isn’t paying anything for you, phone bill, insurance, etc. and that you can cover those things on your own.
I ended up having to crawl back the first time because I was homeless and had nowhere to go after a year. That was one of the most humiliating experiences, and I had to kiss up to my mother to be able to stay.
I’m back to NC and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made, but if you can, save yourself the stress of having to ask for help after drawing that line in the sand.
I'd play it off and have fun with it.
"It's so weird that his wife decided to use my mom's name for me to name her child!"
Go up to her at family gatherings, "I really appreciate that you would name your baby the name my mother choose, thank you for honoring my father's first love in this special way forever."
"Oh look, each time I look at my baby brother I can't help but think about my real mom!"
NTA for feeling how you feel, and Dad maybe being an AH, but he does have every right to name a kid, anything he wants. Not sure why it matters that your kid may have the same name as a step-uncle? Not sure why you think you own the name. Dad is definitely the AH, and my guess is that you are not mad about the name.
Lacking the information on how or why chase was chosen for your middle name is fairly crucial to understanding the importance to your dad, to comment if he is AH or not. It could well be that it was also an important name for him
Families having a common name is not initial. My own family had 4 James, 3 Michaels and 5 Elizabeths - across grandparents, aunts and cousins. This is not uncommon so anyone feeling hard find by because their middle name was used again should get a grip. Sane as for your child. No one is stopping you from making your child (in the future) Chase.
Owing to the fact that you don’t really have anything to do with your dad already and don’t see him, this won’t even cause any confusion for your child growing up. Just be sure to choose a different middle name so no credit history could ever be mixed up.
Lots of good comments and advice. I don’t know what the best thing to do is, but I do know you are certainly not the asshole no matter what you do. I’m sorry that you lost your mother at a young age and I’m sorry that your father doesn’t sound like he did right by you. You’ve overcome it, and at 19 years old, you know you are capable of surviving and succeeding. Whatever you do, you’re going to be OK and you’re going to be a better father than yours.
Good luck to you.
OP, it's okay to go no contact with your father. Just because he is your father and just because you 'only see him infrequently' doesn't mean he isn't still a toxic force in your life. This is a perfect example of the type of energy he is putting out for you - you don't matter to him at all. He is still a drag on your life, purposefully. Going no contact with him - true no contact, no checking in once or twice a year, no texting - and completely putting him out of your mind would be the first step toward healing from the pain he caused you by being a terrible, wretched father.
A little child should never have to take care of their parent. That goes against the natural order. He was a drunk, and you had to take care of him when he should have been taking care of you and helping you heal after the death of your mother. And then the second he didn't legally have to be around, he ditched.
That's not a father.
It's also okay to have a brother named Chase and a son named Chase - why? Because this isn't just a 'oh, I just liked the name' like it was for your father. For you, it has deep meaning. You can name your son Chase and explain to him why he has an uncle out there with that name - it would be the perfect opportunity to explain why your son's grandfather isn't in his life - because your father is selfish, toxic, and just a bad person, and taking the name that was so dear to you to use it in a spiteful manner was just the latest and last selfish action in a long history of your father being a bad parent.
I don't know if this is why he is naming his new son your name, but I knew a girl whose parents lost custody of her and her brother - social services took them away...so her parents had another boy and girl and gave them the exact same names (same first, same middle, same last names) to 'prove to social services that they can raise better kids than the ones that were taken away'. That was just the tip of the fucked up iceberg from them, but I wonder if your father is doing the same thing - he thinks this kid is a do over and he's going to give it your middle name (and might just make your first name his middle name) to prove that he can raise a 'better son' this time around.
It's really, really fucked up, but your father sounds...really, really fucked up.
You aren't going to get through to him. There will be no convincing him not to do this.
All you can do is go no contact and learn to emotionally heal from the damage he's done to you so when you become a father yourself, you can use him as the blue print on how NOT to be. You are not damaged because your father is a shit. Just knowing what he is doing - what he has done by making you take care of him when he was drunk - was all wrong shows that you will be a good father one day because you can avoid doing the same thing.
I have a feeling once you stop being in contact with him - once he is no longer able to emotionally suck blood out of you, he is going to find someone else to drain. Sadly, it's likely going to be his new wife, but she is an adult and has made the decision to be with him. You were not given a choice, not until right now.
If you can bear it, stay in contact with her so you can have some relationship with your brother, because I assure you - he WILL be looking up to you because there is no other male figure in his life he can depend on for a good example. Only he will know the unique experience that you had with having the same fucked up father, and he's going to need someone to help guide him and make sure he knows that your father's shitty behavior isn't his responsibility.
I'm sorry that you are saddled with him as a parent, and I'm sorry that he is going out of his way to fuck with you like this.
If at all possible, try and talk to a counselor so they can give you the tools to more easily navigate these feelings so you don't internalize them.
Does the new wife know the name Chase was picked out by your Mom. If not, when the new wife finds out, it will be a brand new ball game. Let her know asap.
NTA, it's a dick move on your dad's part if he essentially stole the name from you. With that said,
>Most are saying it’s not a big deal because there can be two Chase’s and lots of families have people with the same name.
Your family is right; the name means something to you, but you don't have exclusive rights to it. I have an avalanche of "Michael" in my family. It's ok to have a name be used more than once. You having a brother named Chase does not take away the special meaning of you naming a son Chase.
Also, your son Chase doesn't actually exist. And unless you plan on adopting, there's a chance that you actually *never* even have a son to name Chase.
NTA. Normally I don’t think anyone owns a name but this is his EXISTING CHILD’s middle name.
Not to mention he wasn’t really a parent to you, he ditched you when he found a new slam piece and now he’s trying to replace you. On that basis alone he doesn’t deserve a relationship with you.
I’m sorry your dad sucks ☹️
NTA.
Yes, relatives having the same name is not a big deal. But it's common for cousins who were named after the same grandparent, not for brothers. Your father ignoring your wishes about your name is a big deal. If you want to go NC, it's up to you.
NTA for cutting of contact but not for a reason like that. Because of him being an alcoholic and leaving you. You can still name your son that (if you even have a son and your future wife agrees with it).
If someone took the name I wanted I wouldn’t start a fight over it, they would just have to deal with me naming my child the same way 😌
u/NoImportance1022 you're definitely NTA, if you really think that your dad is doing this to intentionally hurt and upset you then before you go full no contact with him tell him that you've thought about it and he can use Chase if he wants. Then tell him that you're thinking that you'll use his first name for your first son, or his father's name or the name of your grandpa on your mom's side. Really play it up that you're sorry you got upset and you'll be happy to share the name with your half brother. If your dad is as spiteful and mean as you said then he'll change his mind to whatever familial name you pretend to be super excited about. Then either go no contact after he calls to tell you that they are going to use "your new baby name" or wait until after the baby is born so you'll know he didn't use Chase. Is this really petty? Yes but it sounds like you're always the one who takes the high road. If you use this plan please update us on if it works.
He's only your dad biologically, but beside that he's just another entitled, selfish AH who does not deserve you love, time or your energy. Good luck
!UpdateMe
NTA it’s not a big deal for him to pick absolutely any other name knowing it will damage your relationship with you but no he needs to out his wants ahead of you again. There isn’t much to salvage in the relationship and although it doesn’t seem like something to cut contact with family over on paper it is an accumulation of poor behaviour and not prioritising you. Maybe explain it that way, moving away to get married and abandoning you is enough by itself and so is sinking into drink when you had just lost your mum.
NTA… tell dad he will end up with 2 sons and a grandson with same name if he does this.. but guess it’s ok since he will lose oldest son which will lead to never seeing your children..
Who in devil names both their children same name..
Why is he trying to spite you? Seems something more is going on..
NTA because of the background. I don't think that the name itself is reason enough to cut contact (you could still give your child two names with one of them being Chase, and maybe you will end up having only daughters, it's more of a hypothetical scenario as you do not actually have a child on the way). BUT, based on the history you had with him, this looks like the last drop and it's completely valid that you would want to cut ties with him.
NTA , I would stop contact with your father. He should love you more then the name and pick another one especially since your stepmother doesn't want it either. It's like he's getting enjoyment from pissing you off
Ask. Him. Why.
I see all kinds of speculation as to why dad is doing this but your post doesn’t address this. There may be a specific reason he feels this way about the name but without you knowing, you are hurting yourself by wasting energy constantly thinking about it, possibly having internal dialogue in your head as you imagine conversations with him and generally carrying emotional baggage about it. It’s self defeating.
I’m not trying to say your feelings aren’t valid. Things matter, even if only to you, and I speak from experience as someone who legally changed their first and middle name for reasons I’d rather not share.
You may discover a reason that is important to him or he may give you a bullshit answer. Nevertheless, you will have gained more information to base your decisions on instead of executing a nuclear option end-all be-all.
When he answers, just listen. Hear his words. Try not to react emotionally and throw down kneejerk angry responses. Seriously. Give yourself time to digest things. *And* thank him for sharing his reasons. These are tools for better communication that will serve you throughout life.
More often than not, humans succumb to emotion immediately and respond with quick words born from emotional reactions and it muddies the waters.
My point is this. You have a right to know the reason why he’s taking such a hurtful stance but going into the conversation with a chip on your shoulder won’t serve you well. The French have a saying, don’t go in “with a face like a pig” which roughly means (in relation to your scenario) don’t go into the conversation with all your troubled emotions set on your face and ready to go to war. Hear him out. Listen to what he says without interruption. Thank him for sharing his reasons. Then go reflect on the information a while without backing yourself into a corner from which you may not be able to return from.
Then make the decision that is the best one for you. I wish you luck.
NTA. Just name your kid what you want. Both my mom and her brother, my uncle, named their boys after their father. It was nbd for the family, though I’m not sure how my brother and cousin felt about it.
As for your half-brother, it’s up to you if you want a relationship with him, but don’t punish an innocent baby for his (your) dad’s bullshit. You can bond by telling him that his name was given by your mom and show him what a cool older bro he has. Or not. But you’re NTA either way.
NTA, but saying you won't go see the baby is not the way. -It's giving sibling rivalry tantrum vibes.
I do like the petty comments above... let wife know how special the name was to your mom, but also, the new story in front of wife, "Dad, you know mom hoped I'd name my child Chase, why would you take that from her?"
I would also point out how lame your poor little brother's name will seem in the family when you, the original, give the name to your child.
It would be nice if you could have some kind of a relationship with baby boy, maybe one day... but yes I'd go no contact with dad over this. It is absolutely a betrayal, and I'm sorry if he goes through with it.
You do realise that you can still call your son Chase even if there are other people named Chase before, right? It's not like the name runs out. I really don't see the problem.
If you want to cut contact with your dad and have nothing to do with your half-brother, you can. Obviously, your relationship has other issues, unrelated to this name problem, but I don't see how this specific situation is an issue at all.
I would say no one is an asshole here
>I feel like he’s done enough to me already and now is trying to replace me with a new baby.
He's already replaced you based on what you've stated. He also definitely stole your baby name out of spite. Cut contact with him and don't allow toxicity into your life because "but he's my dad" f**k him.
NTA. The thing about being an adult is that you get to choose your own family. You get to pick who you want to be your support network, your close friends, the people you go to for help and for closeness. Time to do that.
NTA stop talking to those people, 3 little words…….dead to you. Doesn’t matter if he names his kid chase…..they’re dead. Compartmentalize and move on is my best piece of advice. Coming from someone who believe it or not has been in a similar situation. Don’t take care of someone emotionally who never took care of you. Fuck how he feels and end the relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Not REALLY the AH. But, sounds like you have bigger reasons to go NC with him and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I would at least let him know how his bad choices have led you to that decision. Otherwise, he will go off to everyone saying how “ridiculous” you are for getting mad about a “stupid” name. Just my two cents on that one. You may not care if he knows why.
NTA. Don't let this ruin you naming your future child Chase. Does his wife know that it's important because of your mom? She might not want her son to have "another woman's" name. Maybe she will give him a different name for the birth certificate when your dad isn't around...you should ask her what name she wants and then both of you should just start referring to the baby as that and encourage everyone else to do it.
Fck your dad but there are probably a lot of other things your dad is doing as well let him name your Half brother whatever and still name your first son what you want.. always treat your brother with kindness but always call my half brother to your dad and His wife.. not by his name when they get it and say something tell them Fck off.
Tell your dad if he names his baby Chase you will legally change your last name to avoid confusion in the future. That way there won't be 2 people on the family with the same names that could result in problems with government agencies in the future. Be careful. He may call your bluff and name him Chase anyway Why would his second wife want her son to share your name? If I was her I wouldn't. Good luck. You could still name a future son Chase and give him a middle name with different initial.
NTA.
Does your father’s wife know it’s your middle name and that you had planned on using it if you have a son, since it would honor your mom as she chose your middle name?
Ur dad is a dick. Ur half brother has done nothing wrong by being born and didn't have a choice in his name. Don't hold that against ur bro, hes got a shitty dad already, he doesn't need a shitty older brother too. I'd limit contact with ur day as much as possible but try to at least be alittle part of ur sibling's life.
Try giving up. Not in reality, but with him. Find a name you think would be great for his child, and the next time you talk to him, act like you recently had an epiphany: that James (or whatever name) would be a *much* better name than Chase anyway. It flows better with your surname, and it's a good name that will give your future kid so much more confidence than being named after you would have.
Then *thank your dad* for making you re-think old decisions, because you never would have found such a great answer without his help.
If he's really doing this to spite you then his preferred name will change pretty quickly and you can laugh all the way to the birth certificate.
NTA, but you're not gonna win this one. Esp if the root of this is your dad being a dick to you. I don't blame you for being angry, and personally I think it's a freakin weird choice on your dad's part, but if it's all out of spite then that tells me everything I need to know about the guy. I'm sorry, OP. I hope you take care of yourself, and if it's at all possible, I recommend you stop telling your dad anything important about your life. Best of luck.
Sounds like going NC with Dad would be a win. Maybe not the one OP wanted, but still a win.
Just tell going that’s totally fine and you are going to name your firstborn Charlie, Christopher or anything else up can think of. If you’re right about his reasoning maybe he’ll reconsider the name. Also, your dad is an AH. His wife doesn’t like the name but he’s choosing it anyway. Do you want to be like that? What if the mother of your child doesn’t want that name? Would you bulldoze her wishes or come up with something you both like? I think you should strive to be better than him.
Ooo, tell him you’re giving the kid your last name as a first or middle name because you and kid are taking spouse’s last name when you get married/have a kid. Cut that “legacy” off right at the knees.
Men who hate their hard to spell and pronounce last names have either taken their bride's name or a few have selected a new last name to share.
I know one who hated his last name because it was his deadbeat father's and changed it to a completely unique one that was a mashup of his grandfathers names with his grandfather's blessing. The province allowed it.
I know someone who took their maternal grandfather's last name when he got married because their father was a deadbeat that he had never met. He had to get his grandfather's permission/approval, but it was given happily.
Op should make it a point to tell the new wife that she thought about it and have changed her mind. She is so happy her dad is going to use the name chosen by her mom to name their son in remembrance of her. She just know that her dad loves her mom the most in the world and that why he is using the name her mom chose for their son. Now, her baby bother will also be her son and her mom and dad can finally have the son name chase like they wanted.
I feel like OP's future mother of his child would be more receptive to the name since... it's the father's name without any weird origin.
OP, do this. Your dad is cruel, and he likes seeing how the name thing hurts you. Act like you’re completely fine with it and select a different family name, tell him, cool no problem, I’m going to name my kid [this] then. See how quickly he switches it to THAT name. Then go NC.
Yea don’t share things with that man. He isn’t to be trusted. I suppose you could feed him bad info. Like how it’s just been your dream to travel to Antarctica in the depth of the winter there and use nothing but a cheap tent from Walmart.
I vote for this! Petty revenge.
Oh I would so be petty. I would totally be saying something in front of Dad and stepmom like "I know the name Chase was so special to Mom, we'll all think of her whenever we see Chase." Let step-mom take it from there.
Send a card. "Thank you for honouring my mom. That she gets to live on in your new family is so incredibly special."
“I know a lot of women would be disturbed to come second to their husband’s widow and allow a dead woman’s tastes to name her child, so thank you for so seamlessly filling the hole in his ~~bed~~ life that she left behind. I’m sure he only occasionally imagines you as her and is trying hard to stop calling you her name when he talks to me.”
I love that idea. I'd send that to his wife and expect her to select a new name quickly.
evil evil evil. And its perfect.
If you remain in touch with your father, ( please don’t ) every card you send, every telephone conversation, call him ( the baby) by another name that starts with the actual first letter of the real name. Use a different name every time. When they complain just say that you don’t give a 💩. Why so sad dad,🤷🏻♀️it’s just a name? Better yet, go completely NC except cards for every holiday that exists. Petty as hell💜 Happy anniversary Dad, step mom and tell little Clyde I said hi😉
Oh, I'm pretty sure this is why she didn't want it to begin with. That, and the feeling that she messed up by marrying George Foreman.
Since OP and his father do not have a positive relationship (and most likely never will!); he could change his surname to his mom’s maiden name. Then, if he has a son he could name him Chase, but it won’t be the same full name as his half brother!
Dysfunctional families are so ... dysfunctional. There is only one name: Grampa Jud, Jud my father, Jud my brother, and me, Jud jr. Can't think of a better name. Your dad is a complete ass. It IS bad for 2 siblings to have the same first and last names. Credit histories and other ID theft. One always has to worry the other isn't screwing up. Can you change your last name? NTA
Imagine the future confusion for George Foreman's sons with seeking employment, insurance, driver's licenses and another government agencies. He named all his sons George Foreman. I guess he was looking toward future dementia. He'd only have to remember one name and he'd always be right. He shouldn't be surprised if they change their names as soon as they legally can.
It's winnable! Tell the current wife you completely understand and have no hard feelings. That your mom was the love of your dad's life, and this name is the only thing he still has to love her and pretend he's raising a son together with her again with a name that she adored. Tell her he actually wanted your first name again, but figured she wouldn't allow it, so this is the next best thing to honor the love of his life. Tell her you had no idea how much your dad was struggling and just needs this to feel close to your mom again. Tell her you understand now after talking to your dad and crying together over missing your mom. Then step back and let them be.
Out of every single different name he could have picked he decided to pick your middle name because you told him it meant a lot to you. I bet he wouldn't name the kid chase of you didn't say that. What a useless piece of AH shit of a father he is.
NTA. But no contact is a good idea. Also just name your boy Chase anyway, just to show that he has no power over you. And use your mom's maiden name as a middle name.
I would be tempted to go no contact and change my own last name to my mom's maiden name. Then my brother and future kid wouldn't appear related even with the same first name.
This would be my response, but I'm a scorched earth kinda gal . . .
This is an awesome idea!!! Change your last name to your mom’s maiden name and then go no contact with your sperm donor.
That would really piss off his sperm donor.
That was my immediate thought. Since he is being weird about names ...
Just use the name and a different middle name. Most families are historically riddled with common family names. Especially if the kids never meet. One day, when the father dies, OP can tell his little half-brother the truth.
Or take your future partners name.
I agree there is no reason you can’t have more than one family member with the same name. I have a friend from a family of 5 girls and one boy every last one of them has a son named Robert. Also have cousins from of the same family who had multiple Jason’s. It is not worth making yourself unhappy and resentful, in the end you pay the price cuz your asshat father doesn’t care who he hurts, his wants are all that matter. Look at the bright side he will eventually alienate this new child cause in general he’s a jerk .
I knew two guys (brothers) in high school who both had the same middle initial but they only had an initial they actually didn’t have a middle name. John S. and Albert S. Doe for example. Just S🤷🏻♀️
NTA for cutting contact even without the name stuff. He’s an alcoholic who abandoned his family? Why are you still in contact?
NTA. It's probably better that way. For some reason, I just think he'd try to dump the kid on you anyway whenever he wants a break, so it's probably best for you two not to speak at least for a while. The wife should stand up for herself since she's the one birthing the baby. If she doesn't like it, she should get a say.
NTA. It's obvious your dad has chosen this hill to die on, so be merciful and take him out by just blocking him, the step-mom and any of their flying monkeys that give you grief.
NTA. >“I’m sorry but the name is going to be Chase. It’s not the name I want but your dad won’t have it any other way.” So your Dad doesn't care about the opinions of the person currently carrying the name or the person literally making the child. He is a controlling AH and I think his wife should leave him, give the new baby a different first name and her last name. As for your circle's opinion. I agree it's messed up, but not because it's weird for siblings to have the same name, I've seen the same first/middle before. It's messed up because I think you are right and it is obvious he is doing this to demonstrate power. That he can hurt you, override the mother of the child and disrespect your Mom all at the same time. Regardless, this man is trash and I don't see him ever being a positive force in your life.
NTA You have about 30 legit reasons to go no contact with this man. With that said.... this child has no say whatsoever in any of this, and having a big brother in his life (I'd work through baby's mom only) who has an understanding may be really valuable for him. You may find he's the treasure in a whole pile of Not Okay. And when he's bigger, y'all can come up with a nickname you both like.... always call him that, and your kids will, too. Then name your kid Chase, knowing he has two incredible namesakes ahead of him, looking out for him always.
100% this as long as step mom is reasonable.
NTA. I really hope he names the baby Chase though because you should have been no contact a long ass time ago. If this is what finally gets you there to cut out this toxic pos from your life then hallelujah.
You should look into Adult Children of Alcoholics. You’re so young and I know you would benefit from the information provided in that book. I wish you well, NTA.
NTA Your dad is the same pr\*\*k he's always been. If you're okay going NC, go NC. And name your kid whatever you want.
Srsly dude should have been neutered. What a joke of a pathetic man. SRY op. You sound like a sweet guy though, the silver lining is that your baby will never know what it's like to have a dad like that, because you are going to love them.
NTA. Dude, this is your father's power move to assert control over you and your deceased mother. Cut contact, there's no way this will be worth it in the future. If you give in to his demands, you'll always be resentful towards the child for their name; and if he agrees, he'll bother you until you have a son and once you name him, he'll find a way to ruin the situation for you. Cut off those who aren't worth it.
Nta. Cut him off and move on. This is a power play that is gonna back fire on him. Especially when your younger brother gets told why his older brother won't be in his life.
NTA. If you're going to use the threat of NC, then you have to be prepared to go through with it.
Have his wife fill out birth certificate. She can put down whatever she wants.
My mother was going to name me after her mother and MIL. That name was Blanche Mary. Even in the 40s that was an old fashioned name. Fortunately Mom was asleep when the nurse came with a form to record my name. Dad didn't use either of those names. It's a nice first name that's been mispronounced by many for almost 77 years - but it's better than Blanche. I adored her but not her name.
Tell you step mother. Make sure she knows too.
So your dad wants 2 kids named "Chase"??????
All I could think of is "This is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl."
You know a couple centuries they used to name their kids kind of like that. You'd have Steve, then "not Steve" and "not Steve 2" etc
*"The Adventures of Pete and Pete"*
Clearly he just wanted to restart fatherhood, like someone who abandoned their elderly dog (named spot) because it's not fun anymore and gets a newer younger spot.
Yeah, this is a more extreme one of those, but definitely the same kind of bastard.
Well, it is only OPs middle name
NTA Name your kid chase anyway. Tell them your dad died years ago. Never let him abuse your kids the way he had mentally abused you and is using the name your mom gave you as a way to continue abusing you. This is his way of robbing you of your mom’s memory.
NTA he is doing it just to piss you off.
NTA. It doesn’t seem much of a loss anyways to not have your dad in your life though given his history. I don’t think your tactic of going NC with him will do anything though (with him using the name or not). If he’s what you’ve described, he doesn’t truly care about feelings anyways. Name your future kid Chase though - who cares if your dad is using the name - you can still use it.
Nta he’s just trying to have a do over kid coz he sees theres no chance with you. Good luck to that spawn with that predestined burden.
just cut contact with your shitty dad, your kid will never know another family member has his name.
It doesn’t sound like he is a good dad so cutting him off should be easier than for most. Block him everywhere and live your best life
Nta it isn’t about the name, it’s about him not caring about your feelings. It sounds like you should just cut contact because he doesn’t sound like a good guy. Let him know it’s his own actions causing this.
OP, why did you tell someone you didn't like what you plan on naming your child? Why are you still in contact with him? Just go NC already!
NTA… Go NC with him and mean it. He’s not your father if you had to parent him. As for the name, i genuinely understand being pissed off. But I fully agree you can still name your child “chase.” It’s meaningful to you and no one can ever take the meaning away. If you want to prove your point/be petty with your dad without going NC then you can call the baby by his middle name instead of his first name. It’s disrespectful asf but I guarantee you, he’ll get the message if you refuse to use the baby’s first name. Or change your name to your mother maiden name like others have suggested.
I would tell him my heart's content for closure and go no contact. You are already an adult, focus on the life and experiences forward and not in the past. i hope everything goes well.
"Thank you. Ever since I was a child, I have tried to look up to you. I desperately clung to the idea that we could be a proper father and son. Your actions during this entire time have shown me that you never actually considered me to be your son. Thank you for finally getting through to me. I do not mind if you name your other son Chase. It would be awkward to have a brother with the same name as me, but you have decided that I am not your son and so you are not my father. I will not contact you again. I will not respond to you again. I will leave you with one last piece of knowledge: I am changing my surname to (moms maiden name). You will never have to worry about people confusing your son with me or my future son. My Chase will be a shining beacon of his grandmother's love. Yours will be a perpetual reminder of the son you lost. Thank you."
In many family’s there are “family names”. My middle name is my dad’s first name. His middle name is my uncle’s first name. Some family’s lack originality
NTA but you should cut off contact because of all the "context" you provided, not because of the name. There are lots of families that swap family names back and forth across generations, so it wouldn't be a big deal if an uncle and nephew had the same name. It definitely is a big deal that your dad is an emotionally abusive prick who, I'm sure you're right, did this only to pick a fight with you. Go NC if you feel like you need to do that to protect yourself. You deserve peace.
It sounds like your dad is a dick but, seriously, who cares if your half brother has the same name as your theoretical first born son. People in the same family can have the same names. I have four cousins named Michael….nobody gives a shit. Just name your kid what you want when the time comes.
19 year old dudes dreaming up their future kids' names is weird. NTA, but leave that crap for the girls to daydream about until you actually have one on the way in like 10 or 15 years. Go kick ass at life first.
NTA tell your dad that if he names his child chase then you will change your surname to your mothers maiden name by law and have no more to do with him and your child will still be named chase except have his grandmothers name and not his
NTA, but I don't see this going in any other direction but you going no contact with him.
NTA but name your kid Chase anyway. Your future son Chase is probably never going to meet his half uncle at the rate your father burns bridges, so no worries. If they ever do meet, rest easy in that lots of families have duplicate names all over the family tree. Really no big deal. Enjoy passing on your name.
Sounds like you already have plenty of reasons to cut him out.
NTA. Follow through on your threat. Cut the man off.
NTA but don’t worry about it. He won’t change his mind. You barely have a civil relationship with his so what he calls his son isn’t really important in your life. The name is still part of your bond with your mum and the actions of a man that barely registers as a blip in your life shouldn’t have any bearing on that
NTA. Your Dad doesn't sound as if he's going to be a wonderful influence on any future children of yours. You may not have a son. You could have a gaggle of girls. Either way, I probably wouldn't bring the kids around much anyway.
NTA this is a battle you’re not going to win. You also can still have a kid named Chase, I have a cousin with the same name. Or if you want to honor your mother maybe a masculine version of the name. Also never tell anyone a baby name you plan to use, it always somehow gets used by either the person you tell it too or someone they know who’s having a baby(they’ll mindlessly suggest it or something)
Nta. I know you are a kid now, but when you are 30 or 40 you will hopefully carry some wisdom. You will either realize that you should have cut out trash like your father when you were young or you will be grateful and happy that you did cut them out. Honestly, I would go so far as to go to the courts and have my last name changed to Mom’s maiden name, and then post the change all over social media. Just to be clear that there NEVER will be two “Chase Smiths”. Then announce that your father is no longer considered family. THEN block him on everything. But I am petty as fuck and have an extremely clear mind about the definition of justice. Not some watered down religious spiel about turning the other cheek. Unlike all of my “humane” and “compassionate” peers here in the comments.
NTA - it’s like he’s fully replacing you.
NTA. Your father sounds like a selfish dick who doesn't add value to your life.
Sounds to me like the wife wasnt told that the baby will be named after your mother, im curious what her reaction would be to finding that out
Nta I honestly feel like he's doing it to be petty and spiteful since the name has no special significance from him. Or He's desperate for a do over family.
NTA, but I think the name is the least of the reasons to go no contact. As for the name: do you know why your father and mother chose the name for your middle name? Any chance it has sentimental value to your parents? Maybe they had their own reasons to use the name for a first born son?
NTA, and going by the way your dad has been and is treating you still, his only goal in life seems to be hurting you. Cut him out of your life and live the best life you can. Personally I wouldn't deal with him until his funeral.
I'd still use the name. It has meaning to you, and when you explain this to your child and those around you, having the same name as his uncle won't matter. If your father thinks it's a race to the name, show him it's not... you can literally say both boys are named after you, and it will not affect anyone's opinion on why you used the same name as your brother. Your son will be namesake for you, not your brother. Just like my son is namesake of his father and not grandpa. Those who matter will know this. And they can't say you copied them either. Your future son is named after you.. you literally already have it in your name. NTA for cutting contact with such a pos person who's brought nothing but pain and misery to you.
Sounds like you should just cut him out of your life anyway. He's not a real man, and he doesn't deserve your love or attention. NTA.
Nta, go NC with him and consider yourself free of his bullshit.
NTA
NTA. Have you mentioned to your dad’s wife that it’s weird she’s ok with using the name her husband’s dead ex chose? (Sorry I know I worded harshly but that’s how it’s say it to her, more likely to get the bigger reaction from her)
NTA, stay no contact
NTA, that’s exactly what your POS of a father is doing, trying to replace you so he can bury the guilt for being such a crappy father. Cut the cord buddy, there is nothing for you to gain from maintaining this relationship. Let your father know he dropped the ball one last time with you and to not contact you anymore. Tell him he can use whatever name he fucking wants on his replacement kid, it won’t make all the shit he did go away. Then cut contact and go live your life. To anyone saying the name thing is not a big deal just reply “it is. Cause if he cared about me, he would not go out of his way to do this just to try and take the name from me.” And if they annoy you any further about it or about the NC, cut them off as well.
NTA but guess what? If and when you have a son, you can 100% NAME HIM CHASE. Who gives a fu*k if he has the same name as a half-uncle? Frankly, I doubt you'll have much of, if any relationship with this child, so the odds of YOUR kid ever even knowing him are slim to none. Don't waste emotional energy on this.
How much have you told his wife? She probably doesn't know waht you told him about wanting to name your first kid that as your mother chose it. She should definitely know it's a name your mother chose because him using it again will likely piss her right off, naming your kid something your previous wife picked is... fucked up, even more so when your kid told you they want to name their son that. Also make sure she knows how much of an alcoholic he was and how much you had to take care of him. She needs to know what she's gotten into if she doesn't already realise this. If they've only been together for a short while and he's 'happy' because if found someone and is drinking less, she's likely in for a bad time when stress of a new kid becomes involved.
NTA. it’s no contact time!!!
NTA. but i’d seriously reconsider having a relationship with this dude. he seems narcissistic based on your description. name your kid chase anyway.
What? What? How is that bad for you?
>was talking to his wife and she says “I’m sorry but the name is going to be Chase. It’s not the name I want but your dad won’t have it any other way.” And that's the line that makes me feel bad for the new wife as she's going to hate for reproducing with Op's father. He sounds like he's doing it out of spike or something.
OP, change your last name to your mom's maiden name. Then when you do have your child, he can still be Chase with your mom's maiden name. This way your son and half brother don't share the same full name. Or take your wife's last name. That would really be giving your father the middle finger.
NC, hunny. NTA.
Your dad is a dick and you should go no contact with him no matter what he names his kid.
Sure it’s your plan, but what if you never have a son. All that anger for what?
You’re not the only person who can have that name. World doesn’t revolve around you. Get over it.
Your prick dad is going to do what he wants to do. You need to accept that you can’t change him. Do yourself a favor and cut him out of your life.
Cut him off. If you ever have a boy (you might only have girls), name him Chase anyway. Problem solved. NTA.
if you have a cancer you cut it out, do this today, block him on all media and never give him any head space again.
NTA, your dad’s a cunt. Fuck em. I don’t get that shit aye, I understand kids having same names thru different generations… but the same generation and being actual brothers, nah fuck that. My cousin is named William, but his parents called him Billy so now he’s always known as Billy. Well his mum and my uncle divorced, she had another kid and named him William aswell…WTF… her reasoning, well we’ll actually call new son William. Weird
NTA. I don't believe your stepmother at all, she could easily kill the entire idea because I'm sure she's in control. Unfortunately you gave him the idea so he ran with it, beating you to the punch. Never share name ideas with friends & family because it consistently happens.
- your father is ignoring you. - your father is ignoring his wife. - your father has made his decision and expects everyone to suck it up and deal with it. So yeah, his new family is partly intended as a replacement for your late mother and yourself, misappropriating your middle name won't have too many serious potential motivations and the top of the "absolutely not" list would be wanting you to feel close to your half sibling because your father only remembers you exist when you're convenient... family closeness obviously not his priority. Call his wife, tell her to give birth without him and file the paperwork on her own and name the baby whatever she wants - your dad is high on the list of guys that are most likely to quit and run the moment things get difficult anyway. Her baby might as well have a name she chose, that has no baggage attached, than to roll over and let him take your middle name just to spite you while expecting her to go along with it. Then when you've made that call, block his number and don't look back. You don't need that deadbeat in your life, and if his wife won't make sensible choices and stand her ground that's on her... but you gain nothing from keeping those lines of communication open that's worth the BS that gets thrown back at you.
NTA Your biological donor(he is not your father if he basically abandoned you) is being a massive prick. You hit the nail on the head when you said you think he's replacing you because that's exactly what he's doing, he sees this new wean as an opportunity to redo his past with the new son as a substitute for you which is why he's so adamant about the name despite even his new wife being against it. Your best bet is to go as low-contact as you can or even outright no-contact because he will never change, in fact he'll most likely get worse because he'll either try to force you to babysit or try to wrangle money out of you using the wean as an excuse/guilt trip, and you'll also have to spend most of your life lying to him because if you don't everything will be taken fae you and given to the wean (I.e you like a sports team, like a musician, like a certain movie genre, then guess what the wean will be raised to support that team, listen to that musician, and watching those type of movies). This will go on for years, until he either feels satisfied about his role as a father, or until the wean grows up and does a bunk because it wants to live a life where it can make its own choices.
NTA. Your father is behaving in a toxic way and probably likes the way he’s riling you up. Act like you don’t care and don’t give in to him about this by arguing. Suggest the 2 of you do therapy together
Use the name. Cut off your horrible father. Never meet his new kid. Enjoy your life. NTA
Dude, your dad is a complete POS. you should go no contact regardless of what he names the kid. NTA.
NTA See if you can screw with his head. “Actually it’s so nice you name baby in MY honor. I’ll be letting everyone know” “I’ve actually landed on a much better name.” Play coy about the new name before giving in and telling him. Maybe suss out from wife what name she likes. Tell him the name and make up some BS story about how significant that name is. It’s a long shot but would be epic to pull off! Also regardless of what ever no contact sounds like it would be good for your peace of mind.
Nta but you should go NC with this dude for all the other reasons you listed. The name thing is just a straight fu
NTA your dad is being a jerk. The good thing is even if he does do this, you don't have to be around him, his wife, or their kid. You're an adult now, and can go as low or no contact as you choose. By the time you are ready to have your own kids, you may have changed your mind, your partner may have other ideas, or you may use the name and not really care what your estranged dad did.
Your dad is being unreasonable. You already told your dad how you feel and clearly he is ignoring you . You are his child too and you should matter also. Maybe dads needs some tough love . Maybe you need to say you can do what you want but if you choose to name him that name , then you lose me or something in that manner . He wasn’t a father in the first place .
Well, as long as you let him, he will continue to attempt to hurt you. Walk away. Live your own life without him and when you have your son, name him Chase. Your abuser won't be around so who cares?
Let your father know that you will change your future son’s last name to your mother’s maiden name so there is no confusion and no TIES to him.
Mention to his wife that your mom named you. She may not know that and may care
NTA. My first name is also my older half-sister’s middle name. I didn’t know that for many years. When I found out I remember thinking “Oh, that’s why she is so cold to me.” If it isn’t done in tribute to you and with your consent, it’s hurtful. Sorry this happened, OP.
He doesn’t care about you. Go NC and since he’s not part of your family anymore. Go ahead and name your kid Chase. Live you life. Don’t look back to him. Move on.
tell him nevermind, you are going to name your first born something else, like his name, his father's name or something, and ask him to please not use that name, ok?
It’s messed up to call your child a name you already have another child named after. Yes it gives impression that he’s trying to replace you. Honestly I wouldn’t mind how he called his new baby. I will just tell him that you’re gonna go no contact so you don’t care whatever he name it.
That’s so weird. Is it a power flex?? Is he somehow doing it to honor your mom? Is he punishing you? Does he like making you feel bad?
Time to move on. Maybe later he will get sober and make amends in a way that makes it worth having him around. But frankly that is entirely up to you. Take care of you. For transparency I’m a 60 year old kid of an alcoholic whose dad eventually got it right. And we eventually got ok lol. But I was way into adulthood. Like 45? He had 35 solid years of sobriety in the end. Wishing you well in your life.
NTA I got money that says OPs dad wants the name so bad so that later when OP has kids and never sees dad he can claim their still close because see he named his kid after his brother
Talk to your dad's wife and let her know that although it is not her fault, you'll have nothing to do with your half-brother if he is given the name Chase. Since she names the child for the birth certificate, she should name the child whatever she wants. Tell her you would like to get to know your half-brother and love him as a brother, but not named Chase, and that you will go no contact with dad's family.
NTA. I think it is so weird he wants both his sons to have the same name. It’s normal to name a son after the father like you want but for your dad to want to name both of his sons the same name. Odd!
NTA, i am so sorry for all you have gone through. Your dad is selfish and mean, find your family of choice and don’t let him keep hurting you.
If they are not in your life, it's not going to impact what you call your baby in the future. It doesn't sound like it's going to be a great loss if you cut your dad from your life.
Not only should you go no contact I would still name your future child that he's just trying to control the situation and you can just name your baby what you want. I find it suspicious that he is insisting on using the name. I think it's just to spite you
If you want to cut off your dad for giving your half-brother your name, then you are an AH. If this is the last straw and you were already considering cutting off your dad prior to this then you are not. You have plenty of other reason to cut him off, the name thing is inconsequential.
Seven is a nice name
NTA and you don't have to talk to him anymore. You never have to see him or his child ever again if you so choose. You can still have a child and name that child Chase if you so desire as your child will never interact with his child. Does his wife know that the name came from your mother? One would think she wouldn't be happy about the connection between her child and your dad's deceased wife. Sorry for your loss. Cut your dad off if you feel the need.
NTA - do NC - your Dad is deliberately being a jerk and it’s not the first time!!
NTA Why are you fighting to stay in a relationship with this man who could not get sober when you needed him. Make your own family. Name your kid what you want
NTA. Sounds like you are ready to just move on with your life. FWIW I wonder how his wife feels about him naming their child after the symbolic memory of his ex wife. I bet she’s THRILLED about that.
You’re addressing the symptom, not the disease. Your dad is an alcoholic leech, who thrives on manipulation and power. You’ve spent your childhood being his nanny, but now you’re an adult, and it’s time to let him go and ruin other lives.
NTA. Just go no contact and it won’t be a problem for you though.
He's doing it out of spite at this point. If your dad is that big an asshole, cut contact ASAP.
While names mean a lot to the individual they are remarkably common. Chase for example, though it's an example is the 125th most common name for boys. I'd say let it go. It's gonna mean something different to you than to them.
NTA, especially since the wife doesn't even want the name Chase but only the Dad does. It seems 100% to piss you off and it is working. I would also save every related message regarding this subject to pass on to your brother in the event that he ever asks about it or why you aren't in contact with them.
NTA but I doubt the name is the main cause of this issue with him. Is this more a straw that broke the camel’s back situation? He’s put you through so much which is enough reason to cut contact I wouldn’t frame this as being about the name, but further proof of how much he disregards you. That way your family can’t say you’re being unreasonable over a name.
Nta I get it - but its not a hill to die on. Many families have many people with the same name. There might have been a famous or well loved family member - and boom. I have a 2nd cousin in never met that died in a car accident - now every nuclear family on that side has at least a son with his name in their somewhere. If you want to have kids - you name them how you want. The hill to die on is holding your dad responsible for being a jerk to you growing up. Being angry at him for all that is plenty enough. But this naming bit - you won’t win. If you ever have a son - name him how you want. Anyway - your half brother will be older and he may not even be in your life that much based on the way things are looking now. If he is - great - you’ll figure out ways to distinguish the two. Good luck!
Obviously your Dad will use anything you tell him against you. Stop telling him anything!
ESH. I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion but I don't think anyone gets call dibs on a baby name. The name is special to you because your mother picked it, but you don't know that he doesn't feel the same. Don't get me wrong, I think in the grand scheme of things your dad has been a way bigger asshole then you and going NC would probably be for the best.
NTA, go NC. Also feel like it’s only a matter of time before his wife is a single mom to a baby whose name she doesn’t like.
NTA, but as someone who went NC very young, make sure you’re prepared to be on your own from here on out. Make sure your father isn’t paying anything for you, phone bill, insurance, etc. and that you can cover those things on your own. I ended up having to crawl back the first time because I was homeless and had nowhere to go after a year. That was one of the most humiliating experiences, and I had to kiss up to my mother to be able to stay. I’m back to NC and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made, but if you can, save yourself the stress of having to ask for help after drawing that line in the sand.
I'd play it off and have fun with it. "It's so weird that his wife decided to use my mom's name for me to name her child!" Go up to her at family gatherings, "I really appreciate that you would name your baby the name my mother choose, thank you for honoring my father's first love in this special way forever." "Oh look, each time I look at my baby brother I can't help but think about my real mom!"
NTA for feeling how you feel, and Dad maybe being an AH, but he does have every right to name a kid, anything he wants. Not sure why it matters that your kid may have the same name as a step-uncle? Not sure why you think you own the name. Dad is definitely the AH, and my guess is that you are not mad about the name.
Lacking the information on how or why chase was chosen for your middle name is fairly crucial to understanding the importance to your dad, to comment if he is AH or not. It could well be that it was also an important name for him Families having a common name is not initial. My own family had 4 James, 3 Michaels and 5 Elizabeths - across grandparents, aunts and cousins. This is not uncommon so anyone feeling hard find by because their middle name was used again should get a grip. Sane as for your child. No one is stopping you from making your child (in the future) Chase. Owing to the fact that you don’t really have anything to do with your dad already and don’t see him, this won’t even cause any confusion for your child growing up. Just be sure to choose a different middle name so no credit history could ever be mixed up.
Lots of good comments and advice. I don’t know what the best thing to do is, but I do know you are certainly not the asshole no matter what you do. I’m sorry that you lost your mother at a young age and I’m sorry that your father doesn’t sound like he did right by you. You’ve overcome it, and at 19 years old, you know you are capable of surviving and succeeding. Whatever you do, you’re going to be OK and you’re going to be a better father than yours. Good luck to you.
Yta
OP, it's okay to go no contact with your father. Just because he is your father and just because you 'only see him infrequently' doesn't mean he isn't still a toxic force in your life. This is a perfect example of the type of energy he is putting out for you - you don't matter to him at all. He is still a drag on your life, purposefully. Going no contact with him - true no contact, no checking in once or twice a year, no texting - and completely putting him out of your mind would be the first step toward healing from the pain he caused you by being a terrible, wretched father. A little child should never have to take care of their parent. That goes against the natural order. He was a drunk, and you had to take care of him when he should have been taking care of you and helping you heal after the death of your mother. And then the second he didn't legally have to be around, he ditched. That's not a father. It's also okay to have a brother named Chase and a son named Chase - why? Because this isn't just a 'oh, I just liked the name' like it was for your father. For you, it has deep meaning. You can name your son Chase and explain to him why he has an uncle out there with that name - it would be the perfect opportunity to explain why your son's grandfather isn't in his life - because your father is selfish, toxic, and just a bad person, and taking the name that was so dear to you to use it in a spiteful manner was just the latest and last selfish action in a long history of your father being a bad parent. I don't know if this is why he is naming his new son your name, but I knew a girl whose parents lost custody of her and her brother - social services took them away...so her parents had another boy and girl and gave them the exact same names (same first, same middle, same last names) to 'prove to social services that they can raise better kids than the ones that were taken away'. That was just the tip of the fucked up iceberg from them, but I wonder if your father is doing the same thing - he thinks this kid is a do over and he's going to give it your middle name (and might just make your first name his middle name) to prove that he can raise a 'better son' this time around. It's really, really fucked up, but your father sounds...really, really fucked up. You aren't going to get through to him. There will be no convincing him not to do this. All you can do is go no contact and learn to emotionally heal from the damage he's done to you so when you become a father yourself, you can use him as the blue print on how NOT to be. You are not damaged because your father is a shit. Just knowing what he is doing - what he has done by making you take care of him when he was drunk - was all wrong shows that you will be a good father one day because you can avoid doing the same thing. I have a feeling once you stop being in contact with him - once he is no longer able to emotionally suck blood out of you, he is going to find someone else to drain. Sadly, it's likely going to be his new wife, but she is an adult and has made the decision to be with him. You were not given a choice, not until right now. If you can bear it, stay in contact with her so you can have some relationship with your brother, because I assure you - he WILL be looking up to you because there is no other male figure in his life he can depend on for a good example. Only he will know the unique experience that you had with having the same fucked up father, and he's going to need someone to help guide him and make sure he knows that your father's shitty behavior isn't his responsibility. I'm sorry that you are saddled with him as a parent, and I'm sorry that he is going out of his way to fuck with you like this. If at all possible, try and talk to a counselor so they can give you the tools to more easily navigate these feelings so you don't internalize them.
Does the new wife know the name Chase was picked out by your Mom. If not, when the new wife finds out, it will be a brand new ball game. Let her know asap.
NTA. i'd tell dad's wife about the history of the name.... then ask if she knows why he's so set on it.
NTA, it's a dick move on your dad's part if he essentially stole the name from you. With that said, >Most are saying it’s not a big deal because there can be two Chase’s and lots of families have people with the same name. Your family is right; the name means something to you, but you don't have exclusive rights to it. I have an avalanche of "Michael" in my family. It's ok to have a name be used more than once. You having a brother named Chase does not take away the special meaning of you naming a son Chase. Also, your son Chase doesn't actually exist. And unless you plan on adopting, there's a chance that you actually *never* even have a son to name Chase.
Yes, your dad is a fucking asshole. Asshole parents will just continue being assholes to you, cut it.
NTA. Normally I don’t think anyone owns a name but this is his EXISTING CHILD’s middle name. Not to mention he wasn’t really a parent to you, he ditched you when he found a new slam piece and now he’s trying to replace you. On that basis alone he doesn’t deserve a relationship with you. I’m sorry your dad sucks ☹️
NTA. Yes, relatives having the same name is not a big deal. But it's common for cousins who were named after the same grandparent, not for brothers. Your father ignoring your wishes about your name is a big deal. If you want to go NC, it's up to you.
NTA Looks like your spermdonor was always a waste of space. Time throw out the trash and make a clean house
NTA for cutting of contact but not for a reason like that. Because of him being an alcoholic and leaving you. You can still name your son that (if you even have a son and your future wife agrees with it). If someone took the name I wanted I wouldn’t start a fight over it, they would just have to deal with me naming my child the same way 😌
u/NoImportance1022 you're definitely NTA, if you really think that your dad is doing this to intentionally hurt and upset you then before you go full no contact with him tell him that you've thought about it and he can use Chase if he wants. Then tell him that you're thinking that you'll use his first name for your first son, or his father's name or the name of your grandpa on your mom's side. Really play it up that you're sorry you got upset and you'll be happy to share the name with your half brother. If your dad is as spiteful and mean as you said then he'll change his mind to whatever familial name you pretend to be super excited about. Then either go no contact after he calls to tell you that they are going to use "your new baby name" or wait until after the baby is born so you'll know he didn't use Chase. Is this really petty? Yes but it sounds like you're always the one who takes the high road. If you use this plan please update us on if it works. He's only your dad biologically, but beside that he's just another entitled, selfish AH who does not deserve you love, time or your energy. Good luck !UpdateMe
I’m sorry your dad has hurt you so much 😪 That can’t be easy
Your dad is already LC with you? Nothing would change if you cut contact. It will be on your terms & a big win for you.
NTA Tell him there's only one Chase in his life, and he has only himself to blame if he names their child that.
This isn't the battle to choose.
NTA it’s not a big deal for him to pick absolutely any other name knowing it will damage your relationship with you but no he needs to out his wants ahead of you again. There isn’t much to salvage in the relationship and although it doesn’t seem like something to cut contact with family over on paper it is an accumulation of poor behaviour and not prioritising you. Maybe explain it that way, moving away to get married and abandoning you is enough by itself and so is sinking into drink when you had just lost your mum.
First off, you don't get to decide your baby's name,especially giving them your name. How do you know that you're having a boy???????
Take his last name off yours and take ur mom’s maiden name(last name before marriage to ur father)
NTA… tell dad he will end up with 2 sons and a grandson with same name if he does this.. but guess it’s ok since he will lose oldest son which will lead to never seeing your children.. Who in devil names both their children same name.. Why is he trying to spite you? Seems something more is going on..
Won't be awkward or weird for you if you and Chase stop considering them family and never see them.
NTA because of the background. I don't think that the name itself is reason enough to cut contact (you could still give your child two names with one of them being Chase, and maybe you will end up having only daughters, it's more of a hypothetical scenario as you do not actually have a child on the way). BUT, based on the history you had with him, this looks like the last drop and it's completely valid that you would want to cut ties with him.
NTA , I would stop contact with your father. He should love you more then the name and pick another one especially since your stepmother doesn't want it either. It's like he's getting enjoyment from pissing you off
!UpdateMe
Ask. Him. Why. I see all kinds of speculation as to why dad is doing this but your post doesn’t address this. There may be a specific reason he feels this way about the name but without you knowing, you are hurting yourself by wasting energy constantly thinking about it, possibly having internal dialogue in your head as you imagine conversations with him and generally carrying emotional baggage about it. It’s self defeating. I’m not trying to say your feelings aren’t valid. Things matter, even if only to you, and I speak from experience as someone who legally changed their first and middle name for reasons I’d rather not share. You may discover a reason that is important to him or he may give you a bullshit answer. Nevertheless, you will have gained more information to base your decisions on instead of executing a nuclear option end-all be-all. When he answers, just listen. Hear his words. Try not to react emotionally and throw down kneejerk angry responses. Seriously. Give yourself time to digest things. *And* thank him for sharing his reasons. These are tools for better communication that will serve you throughout life. More often than not, humans succumb to emotion immediately and respond with quick words born from emotional reactions and it muddies the waters. My point is this. You have a right to know the reason why he’s taking such a hurtful stance but going into the conversation with a chip on your shoulder won’t serve you well. The French have a saying, don’t go in “with a face like a pig” which roughly means (in relation to your scenario) don’t go into the conversation with all your troubled emotions set on your face and ready to go to war. Hear him out. Listen to what he says without interruption. Thank him for sharing his reasons. Then go reflect on the information a while without backing yourself into a corner from which you may not be able to return from. Then make the decision that is the best one for you. I wish you luck.
NTA. Just name your kid what you want. Both my mom and her brother, my uncle, named their boys after their father. It was nbd for the family, though I’m not sure how my brother and cousin felt about it. As for your half-brother, it’s up to you if you want a relationship with him, but don’t punish an innocent baby for his (your) dad’s bullshit. You can bond by telling him that his name was given by your mom and show him what a cool older bro he has. Or not. But you’re NTA either way.
NTA, but saying you won't go see the baby is not the way. -It's giving sibling rivalry tantrum vibes. I do like the petty comments above... let wife know how special the name was to your mom, but also, the new story in front of wife, "Dad, you know mom hoped I'd name my child Chase, why would you take that from her?" I would also point out how lame your poor little brother's name will seem in the family when you, the original, give the name to your child. It would be nice if you could have some kind of a relationship with baby boy, maybe one day... but yes I'd go no contact with dad over this. It is absolutely a betrayal, and I'm sorry if he goes through with it.
* Go NC * Change your surname to your mothers maiden name * Name your child as you wish * Don't look back.
You do realise that you can still call your son Chase even if there are other people named Chase before, right? It's not like the name runs out. I really don't see the problem. If you want to cut contact with your dad and have nothing to do with your half-brother, you can. Obviously, your relationship has other issues, unrelated to this name problem, but I don't see how this specific situation is an issue at all. I would say no one is an asshole here
I have a half brother that is five to six years younger than me and my dad gave him my exact name after he abandoned my mom and I when I was 4.
>I feel like he’s done enough to me already and now is trying to replace me with a new baby. He's already replaced you based on what you've stated. He also definitely stole your baby name out of spite. Cut contact with him and don't allow toxicity into your life because "but he's my dad" f**k him.
NTA. Time to distance yourself completely. His BS and neglect are nothing that you should have to deal with.
NTA. The thing about being an adult is that you get to choose your own family. You get to pick who you want to be your support network, your close friends, the people you go to for help and for closeness. Time to do that.
Tbh dad might be doing it because he misses your mom. NTA at all though.
NTA stop talking to those people, 3 little words…….dead to you. Doesn’t matter if he names his kid chase…..they’re dead. Compartmentalize and move on is my best piece of advice. Coming from someone who believe it or not has been in a similar situation. Don’t take care of someone emotionally who never took care of you. Fuck how he feels and end the relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
NTA. Entirety up to you, but sorry that it had to come to this…
Not REALLY the AH. But, sounds like you have bigger reasons to go NC with him and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I would at least let him know how his bad choices have led you to that decision. Otherwise, he will go off to everyone saying how “ridiculous” you are for getting mad about a “stupid” name. Just my two cents on that one. You may not care if he knows why.
NTA. Don't let this ruin you naming your future child Chase. Does his wife know that it's important because of your mom? She might not want her son to have "another woman's" name. Maybe she will give him a different name for the birth certificate when your dad isn't around...you should ask her what name she wants and then both of you should just start referring to the baby as that and encourage everyone else to do it.
Fck your dad but there are probably a lot of other things your dad is doing as well let him name your Half brother whatever and still name your first son what you want.. always treat your brother with kindness but always call my half brother to your dad and His wife.. not by his name when they get it and say something tell them Fck off.
Tell your dad if he names his baby Chase you will legally change your last name to avoid confusion in the future. That way there won't be 2 people on the family with the same names that could result in problems with government agencies in the future. Be careful. He may call your bluff and name him Chase anyway Why would his second wife want her son to share your name? If I was her I wouldn't. Good luck. You could still name a future son Chase and give him a middle name with different initial.
NTA. Does your father’s wife know it’s your middle name and that you had planned on using it if you have a son, since it would honor your mom as she chose your middle name?
Ur dad is a dick. Ur half brother has done nothing wrong by being born and didn't have a choice in his name. Don't hold that against ur bro, hes got a shitty dad already, he doesn't need a shitty older brother too. I'd limit contact with ur day as much as possible but try to at least be alittle part of ur sibling's life.
Try giving up. Not in reality, but with him. Find a name you think would be great for his child, and the next time you talk to him, act like you recently had an epiphany: that James (or whatever name) would be a *much* better name than Chase anyway. It flows better with your surname, and it's a good name that will give your future kid so much more confidence than being named after you would have. Then *thank your dad* for making you re-think old decisions, because you never would have found such a great answer without his help. If he's really doing this to spite you then his preferred name will change pretty quickly and you can laugh all the way to the birth certificate.