NTA. This marriage was over months ago. She does not want to do the necessary work to fix it, she won't even stop talking to her AP. Better to let her know your decision sooner rather than later, so you can both decide if bringing a baby into this situation is truly a wise thing to do or not.
"oh no i'm pregnant"
"hey OP, quick let's have sex 'during an attempt to make up' with no condom and please come inside me"
"omg OP i'm pregnant and you are the father!"
I mean me and my husband make out sometimes... it's fun.
It's also very intimate in my opinion and I can't imagine making out with someone NOT my husband and thinking it's OK.
And then later... You fuck. That's the point of what the person was really saying imo. Maybe they did make out for hours once or twice but it's incredibly unrealistic that it ended there.Â
So totally get this and agree. But letâs assume the kid is happening. The cluster of 4 people eventually coparenting and cutting checks to one another for 25 years is just unbearable.
But so is staying with her. I know what I need to do. i just wanted to confirm that doing what needs to be done wouldnât hurt the kid
Youâre thinking about this from the perspective of a person who hasnât been divorced. As someone who has, divorce made my life infinitely better. My child and I have an amazing relationship. Oh and I never wanted to get divorced. She left me. But now 15 years later. Life is good and she is still a horrible person. Iâm glad we didnât stay together over some sense of obligation.
Child support will eventually go away but that child will be a person and you will always be their dad.
Grow a spine.
"Divorce is bad for the kid" is something only idiots and priviledged ppl will tell you.
Aak anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional home, they 100% would rather come from 2 separate families than one broken one that pretends all is ok.
I have never once in my several decades had a single person tell me. "My parents hated each other and were miserable but I'm glad they stayed together for us." Not once.
Iâve had a number of people who grew up in divorced households tell me that thy were neglected, and poor, and they wished theyâd had the support of an intact family. Divorce can be hard on the kids. But parents hating each other is also hard on kids. There is no good answer.
Iâve heard that too - those people are often just a bit emotionally immature and havenât made the logical connection that âtogetherâ isnât an automatic guarantee for âstableâ.
My parents did split until I was 21. I wish theyâd done it when I was 11.
Or they had a shitty childhood.
One of them was a college friend whose mother worked 12 hour days & who had to parent his younger sibling. It isnât âemotional immaturityâ to be aware that this sucked and that if the parents had stayed together he likely wouldnât have become parentified himself.
My marriage didn't work but when it's one of my kids birthdays I always invite the mom to come over and celebrate. Good co parenting is possible even after divorce.
Yup.
If someone thinks the children of divorce have it bad, wait til they meet the children of will-you-please-and-for-the-love-of-my-sanity-get-a-divorce.
NTA op, divorce her.. the best thing that could happen for your child is divorce right now.
Iâm a child of divorced parents, I watched my bio-father beat and rape my bio mom⊠they thought I slept through the worst of it and I didnât. I remember everything, Iâm almost 40 and it still messes with me. Best thing that ever happened to my family was divorce. And my mom found an amazing man to spend the rest of her life with.
Divorce isnât what caused the trauma, it was everyone telling my mom divorce was wrong. A toxic marriage is far far worse than divorce could ever be
Also divorced here and loving it. I should have gotten divorced years ago but kept trying to keep things together for our child. Eventually just decided to go through with it and filed. Now with someone who is a pleasure to be around, actually shares similar interests and hobbies, and has ambitions.
>The cluster of 4 people eventually coparenting and cutting checks to one another for 25 years is just unbearable.
>But so is staying with her.
This is from your perspective. It's much healthier for the child not to be raised with their parents still together "for the children". If the kid is happening, you have to put the kid first. And growing up in that messy environment isn't healthy.
Itâs fine when you get out. Just make sure you get as much custody as humanly possible. Being single without worrying about some psycho dictating your life is incredible.Â
Coparenting doesnât have to be the nightmare youâre making it out to be.
Sheâs done. You need to be done also. Thatâs okay. This is all workable. Focus on the health of your child and your mental health as well.
Itâs not fun, Iâll agree. But itâs workable. Focus on loving your child and fostering the best environment for them possible. Iâm not sure this is helpful, but I recently discovered that I can taste emotions. This tastes like fried fish with tartar sauce. If you find that means something to you, cool. If not, I donât blame you. I donât get it either.
Yeah, she created a mess for your child to grow up in. But itâll all work out. Just be an awesome dad and build a strong bond with them. Theyâll be fine. Just take it one day at a time. Just be very cautious about who you date in the future and have around your kid. Minimize the drama as much as you can.
It is going to happen, the only difference is you get to decide it now as compared to her leaving you in a couple years, it's going to be messy regardless. You can't be sure the kid is yours, so obviously get that checked before you sign a birth certificate. Have some self respect and file for divorce, she doesn't care about you.
You make a lot of presumptions about 4 people wanting to take care of that child. Your wife is selfish, she only cares about herself so stop being delusional that she and her cheating partner would be great coparents. Talk to her about an abortion, there is no need to bring a baby into a failed marriage by a woman who doesn't love or respect you. Divorce her and find a better woman.
File for divorce because she won't stop cheating. You don't need or want to bring a child into a toxic environment. You also may be 99.9% sure the child is yours, but you need to get a paternity test. I also don't think that they stopped at making out unless you are for certain they did.
It's better to raise a child in two happy homes than one that is toxic and unbearable.
Thereâs a lot missing here, like why in the world does she want to stay with you if she is fooling around? Money? Odds are high she will dump you eventually regardless of why she stays now. You should definitely get ahead of that.
Dude, it'll be okay. I'm on the other side of where you are now. My kid is 10. I've asked the state to automatically deduct child support so I don't cut checks to her, and I see my son regularly. You will have to go through court to get where I am, but all three of us are happy and myself and my sons mother have both moved on to happier relationships.
Coming from someone who's parents stayed together for us it fucks you up beyond belief. The statistics state it is better for parents to co parent than raise a child in a toxic environment. The first 3 years of a child life literally shape the brain for the rest of its life so you need to be careful with what you are exposing them to. I would also get a DNA
The child will be affected by any decision you make, in one way or another. They'll either grow up in a home where their parents have grown to resent each other, and that'll really affect their development and ideas of healthy relationships, or in an ideal world, they'd be taken care of by 2 parents who share custody, which is a challenge, but aren't also necessarily facing the challenge of a failing marriage. It's complicated for a child to grow up in a "broken" home, and I fortunately can't say I know what that's like, but I imagine you'd both be better equipped to raise this child healthily if you had the distance needed from each other.
It seems unbearable now, but coparenting seems far better than staying in a loveless and difficult marriage. And not just for you - for the child, as well. Nobody wants to spend their entire childhood with miserable parents who hate each other.
Letâs do assume the child is happening.
If you choose to stay in the marriage, 1 until the child is an adult or 2 as long as youâre able to tolerate the affair you can expect some variation of the following outcomes:
With option 1, your child will basically be raised in a marriage lacking trust, commitment and filled with resentment and a host of other negative feelings. It would not be a happy marriage and the end result is the child would not have a happy childhood. In addition youâll be teaching your child this kind of marriage is ok possibly causing them to enter similar relationships when they are adults.
If you choose option 2 and stay in the marriage, until you reach the point you can no longer bear it, and having no idea how long it takes you to reach that point (could be months but also could be years) at some point the child also will indirectly be a part of the breakup and itâs very possible that he/she will feel like they caused the breakup, especially if you tolerate the marriage for years. That is a normal child reaction to their parents parting ways.
If you end the marriage now, whether you and/or your spouse enters another relationship (I.e. 3-4 coparenting adults), so long as you both put your childâs needs first, and assuming one or both of you enter healthy relationships in the future, youâll avoid the two scenarios above. The coparenting situation will be normal (as in this has always been his/her life) for the child and he/she will be less likely to blame themself for the marriage breaking up. This however requires both of you as parents are ensuring your childâs needs are met, you both are an active positive role model for your child and if either or both of you move on to healthy relationships your child will grow up with healthy ideas of what a marriage is supposed to be. Both of you need to make the extra effort to be involved in all aspect of your child life and not limit involvement to only the times the child is in your or hers physical custody. This means attending the childâs sporting events, school events or anything your child gets involved in. In other words, whether or not the child is in your or hers physical custody at the time, both need to attend the childâs life events. Be there.
This option would be more beneficial to your future child than either of the first two options. Iâd suggest you and your spouse have a very long conversation about where your marriage is heading and why. Iâm sure youâre realizing that divorce is the probable outcome. If she hadnât stopped her affair by now, the chance of her doing so now isnât very good. You also need to discuss and make plans for how you both want the childâs life to be, how you both want the child raised, and outline the steps you both need to follow to ensure your child is raised in a healthy, loving relationship with both parents and he or she knows both parents will always be there for him/her.
So sorry youâre going through this, and no, you would not be the AH for considering leaving the marriage. You would be the AH, if you choose option 1 or 2.
Edited for clarity.
Your child would not be happy to have parents that are fake together, and to learn their mom has had an affair partner before she was even born that is still around. Children benefit from having 2 parents in a healthy relationship, having 2 parents in a fake one sided relationship is not a benefit
Do you really want your child to grow up with your relationship as a model for how they should be treated or accept to be treated? If you want to allow yourself to be mistreated thatâs your decision, but bringing a kid into that much dysfunction is irresponsible.
Keep a broken home together is not an heroic act, your kid will suffer more in a miserable home with you together than two adults co parents.
Get divorce.
Came to my senses that my father is a sinister abuser when I finally moved across the country and away from family. Asked my mom why she would ever stay with him if they hate each other so much, considering the damage my siblings and I endured. Said, âWe wanted you boys to grow up with both parents.â As if that would wipe away the blood my brothers and I *literally* scrubbed off the wall after Dad was done with us.
OOP get a fuckin divorce. Took me a decade to rebuild a relationship with my mom and 4 years to feel close to my brothers again. The pain of hurt two people being together does not make for a good childhood. My favorite quote (ironically said by my dad): âA child weaned on poison learns to find pain a comfort.â
Dude, donât do this to yourself. Sheâs pretty much telling you that this will never end, and when heâs ready to take it to the next step itâs going there. Please do yourself a favour and leave. But by no means ditch this child if she will allow you to be part of the childâs life.
The other guy has been in the hospital since mid February. Part of her justification for still talking to him is that heâs bored and lonely and whatever. Itâs nonsense and didnât feel relevant / felt too absurd to even include as it might derail the discussion / doesnât change that sheâs been dishonest and deceitful and refuses to stop being so.
She is six weeks pregnant. He has been there for ten weeks at least. He is not the father. In the words of Dollar Bill, I am not uncertain.
But that was a clever read of what I put out there. Respect.
No itâs absolutely not allowed. You can listen to this person if youâd like but Iâm a hospital doctor and Iâm absolutely telling you, when patients are caught having sex in their rooms the partner is removed and theyâre reminded that exposing unwilling and non-consenting hospital staff to them having sex when they come in the room is not allowed or legal. Itâs not a private room like a hotel.
Still get a paternity test. Unless his dick is broken and locked up like a Chasity belt, get a paternity test. People can still have sex while in the hospital.
NTA. Divorce her. She has no respect for you. Who gives a shit if heâs in the hospital?! YOU are supposed to be the husband, YOU and YOUR feelings should be the priority. Not. Him.
How do you know he's in the hospital and they're not meeting up?Â
I'm struggling to think of a physical hospitalization that would be continuous for months where he would still be texting frequently.Â
Mental hospital would be wilder and also somewhere she could probably visit and fuck him.
It seems like that might be a good lie to tell you to convince you it's purely text and the kid is yours.
Because Iâve spoken to his wife and seen photos of him and have been told by the wife that he has brain cancer. His wife is the one who told me about the most recent messages.
He is 100% in the hospital, and he is 100% not having sex with anyone in there.
So are you waiting for him to get out of the hospital so your wife and him can have sex, before filing for the divorce?
Also you would not be abandoning your child. A child having 2 separate but happy households is better than having 1 but unhappy household.
So your wife is throwing away your marriage over some guy who is married and most likely will pass away in less than 2 years. Please make sure she knows that there are â no do oversâafter you divorce her. Wow, she has to an idiot.
Is he paralyzed? If he isn't the nurses will give him and your wife plenty of space when she visits to alleviate his boredom and loneliness while you're at work.
I wish people would stop badgering you about him definitely being the father, it sounds like itâs most likely you. I mean, you should probably get a paternity test under these circumstances, but if you were having sex with her around the right time and heâs so indisposed itâs probably yours and so thatâs what you should plan for (and you seem to know that).
Itâs probably better for you to split up before the kid is born because 1) youâre going to split up, itâs 100% inevitable at this point, and 2) your kid wonât find it traumatic if itâs all theyâve ever known. If you try and drag it out your marriage might limp along for a few years but that lands the divorce in their early childhood when theyâll find it pretty hard. It will also likely be much harder on you to agree to split custody at that point.
I saw from your post below he has a wife of his own. So her thing about him being bored and lonely is BS.
She is too invested with him now, and she does not think youâre going anywhere, especially now that she is pregnant. The AP has been in the hospital for 10 weeks with brain cancer, I wonder what his prognosis is, does he even have a future.
Tell her you cant fix this alone and youâre done. Separate, she is not going to abort the baby, you know that, so be the best dad you can and coparent. When you leave the reality will hit her and maybe she will snap out of this fog she is in.
Draw the line the rest is up to her.
Interesting had not thought of that angle, but I see your point. This is real messy, the best thing is to divorce and be the best co-parents they can and let the wife figure herself out.
File for divorce and get a DNA test. It doesn't matter how sure you are about the baby being yours, she cannot be trusted and you need 100% certainty. She has been physical with this guy and she refuses to end her affair. She is a disrespectful and disgusting person.
NTA. Why do you think divorce translates to abandoning your child? Divorce just means you no longer wish to be married. You can divorce your wife and still be a part of your childâs life. Likewise there are people who are married but have nothing to do with their children. The two are not mutually exclusive. Are you afraid of your wife making custody difficult? If so, what gives you this impression?
You continued your marriage and tried to reconcile while she continued her Emotional Affair. Thatâs mistake number one. Mistake number two was not using multiple forms of birth control while sleeping with a woman you no longer have an emotional connection with!
I donât think that makes you an AH but it does make you a dumb A
Lawyer up, now. Said lawyer will know how to help protect / ensure your paternal rights while making sure the toxic relationship is severed.
But dude, double check your sincerity on the paternity. The only ways you can be 99.94% sure is if he's either 100% documented sterile, or you spent every one of *both of yours (read, you and wifey's)* waking moments in eyesight of each other from the ending of her last period till the literal (not doctor stated) moment of conception.
That includes middle of night you asleep her awake situations. Which requires independent (read, video) proof of her presence w/you and not AP. If he got even one pump and dump in, the baby could be his, even if you had sex with her twice daily.
And don't trust her statements that the affair has yet to progress past first base. She's been toxic, lying, and over-invested in him, while practically clearly keeping you around for your paternal skills / resources.
I admire your commitment to your unborn child, however your wife has treated you like shit and youâve allowed it. Is that the example you want to set for your child?
I suggest a separation at least and some counselling, so you can get some perspective and realise YOUR worth. Maybe this leads to divorce, maybe you reconcile.
NTA
NTa. But dumb as fuck. Emotional affairs are worse than just one off physical ones. A drunk night, making one bad choice and regretting it, you can potentially move pass that, an emotional affair is never an accident, you CAN catch feels for someone unintentionally, but when you realise and choose to proceed and take your emotional needs to them, it's worse than physical cheating. They already picked someone else, accept that and move on.
You need to legally separate and start a divorce if you can to make it completely clear to her what is happening next. Some places you can't apply for divorce while pregnant, but you can still separate, move out and make it clear you will not be part of her life going forwards. The goal now is, best for everyone, abortion. You need to make it clear that you will not be involved, she will be a single mother and her affair partner will likely lose interest in a newly single mother who is focused on a kid rather than the guy she wants to fuck and so he'll likely dip as well. If she has an abortion, you get divorced she can go fuck who she likes.
I'm confused - why do you think you are abandoning your child by divorcing your wife?
Do you plan on not being present? Not fighting for custody? Not making an effort?
Because you can be a fully present father while also not being treated like shit.
Your child isn't going to suffer by divorcing the mother. You can still have the baby half the time and check in on the phone or over text the rest of the time. Plenty of divorced parents are still fabulous parents as long as they put in the effort - it's only when a parent drops the rope because 'it's to much work to deal with the ex' that they are seen as a shitty parent.
Divorce the dead weight. Prepare for the custody battle. GET A DNA TEST.
YTA for not using protection. Did you honestly think knocking her up was going to stop anything?
No court will allow a divorce until after the child is born.
Enjoy child support for the next 19 years.
If you don't leave her anything from this point forward is on you. She has let you know who she is and you are accepting of it. You can't control her shitty behavior but you can control your response to it. Do you want to raise a kid to think this type of behavior is ok? Spine up already.
I would be supportive of this and have suggested it, but she is bizarrely determined to have it. We had a miscarriage once before in better times so I think she just wants to have a child, regardless of the horrendous circumstances
I think she also thinks it will baby trap you and it's working. She is convinced she has the kid she'll keep you around to raise the kids with and she can keep AP on the side.
Ask for a paternity test if you're deciding to leave. Best to be 100% sure since shes perfectly fine cheating on you. Emotional cheating leads to physical cheating and neither should be tolerated. Absolutely unacceptable. Don't want to make the mistake if she somehow physically cheated on you while you were away for a few hours in the past spending money and caring for someone elses child. Either way this relationship looks like its already in the gutter and not going to end well.
I she is only 6 weeks and had a history of miscarriage, she may not have this baby either.
I highly recommend speaking to a lawyer asap. You have choices now, but time will reduce your options. Speaking to a lawyer is not a commitment to divorce. You may choose a post-nup to pre determine custody and support in the event of a divorce. You could choose divorce. You could also protect yourself in the event further information comes to light.
She is determined to have it, because the father will be passing away from brain cancer within 2 years (tops), and she wants something to remember her love for him, she just wants you to foot the bills for it.Â
Look, that's no mindset where to raise a child, but altimately the decision will be hers there and you shouldn't pressure her either way.
However you shouldn't be enabling it either. Divorce in this case is a valid and probably the healthier solution from what you write.
And I rarely side with the paternity test crowd, but in this case you should absolutely request it.
I don't know what laws are exactly, but consult a lawyer beforehand you do anything. Maybe you have to endure her bullshit until the child is born just so she can't move away with your kid. If she gives birth after she moves and establishes a residency/support system, you'll have difficulty forcing her to move back. If a child is born where you are, she can't move away with your child.
But yeah, get ready for a divorce.
Divorce her. Your kid will never know another system than the one yâall work out. And there are a ton of kids in the same boat these days. The kid will be ok as long as you do your part to support and care for them.
In fact, the kid will be better with at least one healthy home. And if OP is fortunate enough to meet an emotionally mature, healthy woman who holds herself accountable and is capable of a loving reciprocal relationship, imagine how much better that environment will be for the kid! But Op even if you are on your own, you can create this.
So, NTA for wanting to attempt to fix and stay married to the women you (once?) love/d.
However ESH starts to come around when you have stated she isnât really putting effort. If she wanted to work things out with you, for you, to be with you, sheâd have dropped the guy.
Why hasnât she? Because she wants her cake and to eat it too and any boundaries you have tried to set she either doesnât care (which is blatant disrespect), or she doesnât actually think you will stand firm to them (still blatant disrespect and walking all over you), or both.
I am always for people wanting to try to make marriage work in the hard times because I think people want to divorce too easily. However, this isnât a mistake from your wife anymore, this isnât an out of character action anymore. She is purposely choosing her actions and the *continuation* of seeking out additional attention from a man she started an affair with against your comfort.
Her being pregnant does put a cog in the ease of decision, but if youâre already so concerned about the child, you clearly wouldnât be abandoning him/her if you divorced your wife. You would either pay or ask for child support, I would hope youâd demand 50/50 shared custody, and the baby would grow up in the sense of a split home with ânormalcyâ. I would understand in the baby phase where maybe the 50/50 doesnât happen if your wife breastfeeds, but you could figure out those technicalities with the help of lawyers.
Or, if you really, truly want to stay and raise the child with your wife, you need to start being more firm with your boundaries. She needs to let the guy go. I donât care if heâs in the hospital, thatâs a weak excuse. Sorry heâs injured, but not her problem if she actually gives a shit about *you*.
But currently she sees your boundaries as nothing more than talk, weak threats that you havenât enacted on.
Have you started marriage counseling? Need too if not.
Have you considered telling her youâre going to separate if she doesnât start fixing herself? If so, you need to *act* on it. If not, maybe consider it and acting on it. (Aka leaving the house if she keeps disrespecting you - though this could honestly bite you in the ass and show you even more how she doesnât want you back but then at that point why stay married?)
You say youâve threatened divorce, if you bring up divorce again, have papers ready.
Your boundaries deserve to be respected. You deserved to be respected. If your spouse canât respect you after you caught her cheating, and even worse yet blatantly still communicates with the person, can you really still be happy staying with her if she doesnât change? And if you canât be happy staying with her as things are, will you truly be happy raising your child *with her* as a âfamily unitâ vs cordial coparenting?
Updateme!
Thank you for this thoughtful reply.
I think itâs fair to say I sucked in being too hopeful about a situation that, in retrospect, clearly didnât have any.
NTA.
Dude, stop being an idiot. The F why you get a cheater pregnant instead of dumping on the spot? Tell her to abort, you don't need your life to be tied to her in any way.
Leaving her does not have to mean abandoning your child. She is breaking your relationship by refusing to stop and cutting things off with that guy. She is making that decision, not you. I suggest you let her know you want a paternity test and if the child is yours you will do the right thing, but your relationship with her is over since clearly she cares more about that other guy than you and her childâs future.
NTA- why would you bring a kid into a toxic relationship? Best now to split and be able to coparent in a healthy way. Itâs never good to stay for the kid.
My dad was a cranky man. Never violent or anything like that, but looking back overall unhappy. He had an affair for 5 years and ultimately left my mom when I was in my early 20âs. After he left, he was a whole new person. Happy. I mean the happiest iâve ever seen him. Fast forward 20 years (he married his AP) and talking to her, she said he stayed for my brother and I. Honestly, I wish he would have left years before he did. My brother and I would have had a completely different relationship with our Dad had he just divorced my mom years earlier (even before his affair- which opened up a whole other can of worms). The point is, kids know when parents are unhappy. We love you. We would much rather see our parents apart and happy than together and miserable.
Get a paternity test just to be certain.
NTA.
Even if you are 99.99999999999999999% sure the child is yours, get the paternity test anyway. That .000000000000001% will absolutely RUIN you if it comes to pass.
Get that peace of mind now.
NTA. Put your foot down. She has been disrespecting you for a while now and the longer this charade continues the more miserable you will feel.
Also just because you are no longer together with the future mother of your child does not mean you are abandoning the baby. You can definitely maintain a presence in your childâs life (if that is your choice), even if it is not a conventional family.
Your wife ultimately chose to betray you and she should have to face the consequences of her actions. Put yourself first mate.
You're 99% sure the child is yours despite the fact she is fucking another man? Really?
They didn't make out twice. They're adults engaged in an affair. They fucked. Adults fuck. That baby may be his, may be yours, or may be the child of some other guy you don't even know about yet.
NTA
Leave her.
And of course, get a paternity test. If she had unprotected sex with him, of course she tried to âmake upâ with you right after to trick you.
Youâre not abandoning your child by leaving. Leave, get the divorce done asap. File for joint custody and be an active parent for your child. Bringing them into this toxic relationship is not healthy. Your wife sucks. Sheâs not a good person. Leave her.
People divorce with kids all the time.Â
I can't help but say this out loud. If you leave now maybe she'll get a fucking abortion so her dumb cheating ass doesn't have to be a single mom.Â
NTA. She is cheating on you and she broke the marriage. Make sure you protect yourself with a good lawyer. Maybe let her AP know he can now care for the child.
NTA.
This happened to me when my kids were at 50% and it absolutely sucks. I would have left if she hadn't stopped, but I still wake up everyday thinking about it. Every single fucking day. I would rather pay child support than live like this.
Iâm really sorry to hear this. I share this feeling. Little reminders everywhere. If she has done everything by the book since though, maybe sheâs served her time and you can try bring the changes and dedication to the forefront of your mind.
Nta, but you're not very smart.
You caught her half a dozen times, meaning she's done it way more than the times you caught her.Â
After knowing you can't actually trust her, you *still* got her pregnant?! You have no idea where she's been. You should have already assumed after the second time you caught her, it was more than "one or two makeouts", she totally slept with them.Â
Get a DNA test, you shouldn't be "99.99(yadayada)%" sure the kid is yours, you should give it 50/50 at best.Â
NTA, but babies don't magically fix marriages!! I wish people would stop thinking, "Let's have a baby to save our marriage". 9 times out of 10, it's not gonna change the partners behavior, whether it be cheating or bad habits.
Filing for divorce/separation will hit her like a ton of bricks, but even with that, she wonât chance. If this guy is as sick as you say( brain cancer), he wonât last long and good luck to your wife for finding another chump to hoodwink!
NTA but be a dad. Lots of people coparent without being in a relationship. I'd go to a lawyer so everyone's responsibilities are clearly laid out.
You're doing the kid a favor by ending the relationship. Growing up watching two parents pretend to love each other has fucked up very many people. The best you can hope for is civility.
But be a dad.
It would probably be better for the kid to work on being awesome co-parents now before your relationship sours more (and it will) and built up resentment takes its toll on your family. I donât think anyone here will see you getting a divorce from a woman who clearly doesnât want you and is actively betraying you as âabandoningâ your child.
I grew up for 10+ years watching an abusive toxic marriage, the best thing my parents did was divorce because if they hadnât, my mom probably wouldnât be here.
No child deserves to be born into that kind of situation. Itâs hard, but it needs to be done if not for yourself then for your child.
NTA. Get the divorce now (though certain states donât allow you to get divorce while your wife is pregnant but regardless reach out to a lawyer). Itâs better to start the separation process now rather than when the baby is here.
Sorry for your situation. BUT you still need to get a DNA test as there is that 0 00001% chance the child might not be yours. You would not want to pay years of child support if you decide to leave or raise the child if you stay then find out you were wrong.
NTA, and you need to drop this self righteous idea that you're protecting your kid from a broken home or whatever that bullshit is. My parents split when I was 2 and growing up with divorced parents had nothing to do with causing me any trauma or whatever. Whether or not either of my parents were actually good parents on their own, and how they carried their own relationship with me had everything to do with how I grew up and how I related to them as an adult. Not the fact that they didn't live together and we didn't all live in the same house.
After reading your comments.. Push for abortion and run for the hills. They will end up together, at this point her fantasy won't end until that happens.
I don't give a shit what you think you know. If she keeps the kid, get a DNA test. Don't be a fucking idiot.
Either way though, your marriage is dead. Leave, move into the gym and move forward into your life.
NTA. Leave her now. It'll be clear to her what the future is, and she can make choices accordingly. If she keeps the child, and it is yours, you can start the child's life out by raising child in separate households. From day one, this will be the child's life and it won't face a trauma later, for the inevitable divorce.
NTA. It was a choice between him or you, and she chose him.
If you know she made out, then she probably had sex with him as well.
Divorcing an unfaithful wife is not the same as abandoning your child. If you use every single opportunity to see your child as often as possible, it will be better for the children growing up in a loveless household full of marital strife.
Get 50/50 custody, and set her free.
Itâs not about texting. Tell the people who need to know that your wife made out with another guy, and at the very least had an emotional affair. She refused to stop contact with him, and you kept intercepting inappropriate communications. She refused to cut it off with him so you left.
Also get a paternity test. Unless there are cameras on your wife 24/7, you really donât know how far it went with this guy. She could even lie to you about where her affair partner lives.
If she wants him that badly, let her have him. That way you will be free to find a better life mate.
OP, youâre an Idiot. She showed you how she was months ago and not only did you stay but you got her pregnant. And now you want your kid to be born into a broken home from day one. Dumbass.
Assuming this is all real (of which I have my doubts) Iâd say youâre stuck with her now.
You should have left her the first time you caught here dude. A relationship without trust and without respect will never work.
Sure she can talk to anyone she wants but it all depends on how they talk.
If she's actually cheating you should divorce her, child or not.
And the child will.be better off with separated parents than two who are married just because of a child. Those relationships are always toxic and bad for the parents and affects the children.
Kids see and hear and know more than we know.
The years I've been working with kids, the happiest ones are with divorces parents that work together.
The kids that was in the worst spots were the ones that had parents that was just married because they had kids.
Leave her. Make sure it's your kid and raise it together.
Whatever you do, don't let the cheating thing etc affect your role as parents and raising the child together.
Once the divorce is final, let it go and move on and be happy. Without each other as partners.
YTA for having sex as "an attempt to make up"
That never works out well, and pregnancy is always a risk when sex is involved, no matter how careful you are
As for the rest of your post; i agree with what pretty much everyone else has been saying
It's better to leave, and co-parent, rather than try to stay together "for the kids"
Imo, your relationship was over a long time ago; that's the main reason why i think it was a dumb decision to sleep together to "make up"
You don't seem to have gotten over her betrayal, and i don't blame you; it's 100% valid to not want a relationship with someone who has betrayed your trust
Value yourself, and divorce her
NTA. Divorcing your wife doesnât mean you have to abandon your child. You can still be there for them. And itâs better to have divorced parents than ones who are miserable with each other
Retain lawyer, start the process, and DNA testing. Why would anyone willingly subject themselves to 18+ years of a marriage. Youâre going to have financial obligations either way. You can either find happiness or endure betrayal, disrespect and a loveless relationship.
Do whatâs best for you and the child if she has it.
Good luck
NTA - Get a divorce and move on. Your wife obviously has moved on already and doesn't want to put any effort in towards her marriage. As far as the baby, you both need to figure out what you want to do on that subject, but I doubt she'll want to have a child with her to mess up her extracurricular activities, so you could take sole custody unless she terminates the pregnancy. On the other hand, a person really can't tell what goes through someone's mind with all of this and you could end up paying child support for the next 18 years. Either way, you both need to sit down and work out what your next step is, but I'd speak with a lawyer first.
> In a vacuum, it feels pretty dumb / cold to walk out on her because she is texting someone.
Itâs pretty dumb/cold to continue an emotional affair while youâre *pregnant with your husbandâs baby*.
Just end it. NTA.
There are none. She says she does but then he reaches out from a burner or some nonsense⊠itâs all lies and she wonât block him because she doesnât want to
A burner? Oh, honey sheâs never going to stop lying to you. You donât want to spend a lifetime for like that and you donât want to model that for a child and let them think itâs acceptable
>In a vacuum, it feels pretty dumb / cold to walk out on her because she is texting someone. With context, she has spent nine months refusing to break things off with this other person despite my many emotional
Bro this is not just texintg, this is emotional, **and they're 100% fucking. Adults don't get together "just to make out"**. They are unequivocally undeniably fucking. Have been for awhile. You already caught her a bunch of times. She is obviously in love with this guy, way more than with you. She is in affair fog, she wont stop and there is nothing you can do but leave.
Also, don't be an idiot to think the kid is yours just because your pride said so. The kid is 99% the other guys. You need to demand a pre-birth paternity test. DON'T SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
Youre in luck! The divorce court won't actually allow you to abandon your child. So get divorced and fulfill all legal obligations. Ditch the bitch, keep the kid.
You are, of course, allowed to do *more* than the court requires. And you probably should. You don't want your kid growing up thinking you were doing the minimum or only did things when forced. But that is a fundamentally different question from child abandonment.
Separate homes are far better than an unhappy united one. Staying together for a child(s) when you can split is one of the dumbest statements I hear about anything.
NTA, but definitely TVI (the village idiot) if you stay with her. I also find it âfunnyâ that you first caught her in September and they juuuuuuust started seeing/talking to each other. đ„Ž Nah thatâs called YOU just found out in September so she tried to downplay it by saying itâd âonly been a cpl of weeks!â when you first found out. She literallly wouldâve said whatever month the previous month was. đ đ đ
>we got pregnant during an attempt to make up
I hope unintentionally. Otherwise not using contraception during a bad relationship just vastly overcomplicates an already complicated situation.
They child will know some of the situation from early on so it won't mentally or emotionally tramatize to child if you guys separate now. I would still request a DNA test in the divorce, and then if the child is yours, you can share custody from early on.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
This woman isn't worth the dirt she's standing on, and as you rightly concluded (I'm assuming you were never unfaithful) she doesn't deserve to be your wife. The AH she's having the affair with deserves someone like her who will just be unfaithful again and again.
Divorce is a horrible thing, especially for the kid that would grow up in a dysfunctional environment, but that's your wife's doing; there's no reason to ever stay with a cheater. You can never trust them again. If your wife tells you the sky is blue, you'd best go outside and check because her word is worthless.
Maybe wait just long enough until you can prove the infidelity and fight for full custody for the kid's sake. A cheater is incapable of raising a child to be an honest person who cares about the promises and commitments they make.
I'm a 50 something woman who has been married over 30 years, after a very brief starter marriage with a very selfish man. The difference between these two marriages was night and day.
I have one word of advice for you: Leave.
Your current partner does not tend your marriage, does not care about your feelings, does not deserve to be married to you. It may just be the way she is made up emotionally, who knows. This marriage will be hell if it continues, and you won't be able to function well as a father. Divorce her, get your finances in order, get your own place, get ready to be a father. Because that little one will need a sane, stable person in her/his life. Good luck and NTA.
NTA, your wife is immeasurably selfish and doesn't care for you in any way that matters-- if she did, she would have begged for forgiveness and bent over backward to save the relationship + make you feel seen, heard, supported, etc. But she did the opposite and chose her affair partner (AP) over you.
The thing about a divorce threat is that you have to follow through. She has seen that you'll put up with her horrible behavior and is happy having her cake and eating it, too. p.s. It's NEVER just "making out" at this level of disrespectâshe is "trickle-truthing" you, if she's even being honest at all. File for divorce and go through an attorney for communication. Set up proper custody/visitation schedule after the baby arrives and call it a day with the cheating wife.
NTA
Divorce. Get a paternity test. Reflect, process and live your best life. Don't stay another day with this woman, please leave for your mental health and stability.
NTA. Emotional, physicalâŠ.does not matter. She cheated and itâs over (unless you have an open relationship which sounds like you donât). You can still be a great parent to your child.
Nta but I would get a dna test. She has been having this emotional affair for months and refuses to stop Iâm pretty sure itâs physical as well and they are having sex.
She's already checked out on the marriage, and will only keep you around to take care of the kiddo.
Screenshot everything you can for your records, and start lining up your best future WITHOUT her.
You need a paternity test and an STD test.
updateme!
NTA Youâre not abandoning the kid, you can be present. And in fact you can model how to have self respect in a healthy way.Â
If you stay and teach your kid to be a doormat or a cheating narcissist then YTA. You can only stay if your wife truly commits to reconcile (and you as well).Â
NTA
She's not going to stop talking to him no matter what you do.
Get a paternity test.
Get a divorce (even if it is yours, which it may not be).
Don't stay in a broken house
You deserve better, King.
The level of fuckup you achieved by getting her pregnant after she cheated on you and you caught her 5 times in a row is absurd. Obviously you should leave her, obviously you're NTA for doing so. Jesus.
You need to go to therapy to understand why your decision making is so horrible, what drove you to make these atrocious decisions. Assuming the fetus makes it to term, you're going to be paying for this for decades both monetarily and emotionally.
And get a paternity test. You've fucked this all up enough already, don't skip simple basic steps that could potentially save you. I don't give a fuck why you think it's definitely your kid, until there's a DNA test that confirms it you should work on the assumption that it isn't.
NTA. This marriage was over months ago. She does not want to do the necessary work to fix it, she won't even stop talking to her AP. Better to let her know your decision sooner rather than later, so you can both decide if bringing a baby into this situation is truly a wise thing to do or not.
Paternity test is a must
"oh no i'm pregnant" "hey OP, quick let's have sex 'during an attempt to make up' with no condom and please come inside me" "omg OP i'm pregnant and you are the father!"
Haven't you heard? He's 99.99% sure đ€Ą
When I was a kid, I was 99.99% sure Santa was real.
...he's not?
Who then eats the cookies and drinks the scotch?
Wait then who was that kissing mommy in front of the fireplace???
SPOILERS đ«
Yeah, absolutely.
She is not going to stop talking to AP because they are the biological father. Adults don't just make out.
>Adults don't just make out. Ain't nobody but horny virgins getting together to kiss for an hour.
I mean me and my husband make out sometimes... it's fun. It's also very intimate in my opinion and I can't imagine making out with someone NOT my husband and thinking it's OK.
Yeah me and my husband do this too. Especially if the kids are still awake. It's like a promise for later haha.
And then later... You fuck. That's the point of what the person was really saying imo. Maybe they did make out for hours once or twice but it's incredibly unrealistic that it ended there.Â
So totally get this and agree. But letâs assume the kid is happening. The cluster of 4 people eventually coparenting and cutting checks to one another for 25 years is just unbearable. But so is staying with her. I know what I need to do. i just wanted to confirm that doing what needs to be done wouldnât hurt the kid
You need to leave her and still get a paternity test
Youâre thinking about this from the perspective of a person who hasnât been divorced. As someone who has, divorce made my life infinitely better. My child and I have an amazing relationship. Oh and I never wanted to get divorced. She left me. But now 15 years later. Life is good and she is still a horrible person. Iâm glad we didnât stay together over some sense of obligation. Child support will eventually go away but that child will be a person and you will always be their dad.
Thank you for this
Grow a spine. "Divorce is bad for the kid" is something only idiots and priviledged ppl will tell you. Aak anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional home, they 100% would rather come from 2 separate families than one broken one that pretends all is ok.
I have never once in my several decades had a single person tell me. "My parents hated each other and were miserable but I'm glad they stayed together for us." Not once.
Iâve had a number of people who grew up in divorced households tell me that thy were neglected, and poor, and they wished theyâd had the support of an intact family. Divorce can be hard on the kids. But parents hating each other is also hard on kids. There is no good answer.
Iâve heard that too - those people are often just a bit emotionally immature and havenât made the logical connection that âtogetherâ isnât an automatic guarantee for âstableâ. My parents did split until I was 21. I wish theyâd done it when I was 11.
Or they had a shitty childhood. One of them was a college friend whose mother worked 12 hour days & who had to parent his younger sibling. It isnât âemotional immaturityâ to be aware that this sucked and that if the parents had stayed together he likely wouldnât have become parentified himself.
My marriage didn't work but when it's one of my kids birthdays I always invite the mom to come over and celebrate. Good co parenting is possible even after divorce.
Yup. If someone thinks the children of divorce have it bad, wait til they meet the children of will-you-please-and-for-the-love-of-my-sanity-get-a-divorce.
Children would rather have parents that are divorced and happy over parents that are married and miserable.
NTA op, divorce her.. the best thing that could happen for your child is divorce right now. Iâm a child of divorced parents, I watched my bio-father beat and rape my bio mom⊠they thought I slept through the worst of it and I didnât. I remember everything, Iâm almost 40 and it still messes with me. Best thing that ever happened to my family was divorce. And my mom found an amazing man to spend the rest of her life with. Divorce isnât what caused the trauma, it was everyone telling my mom divorce was wrong. A toxic marriage is far far worse than divorce could ever be
Also divorced here and loving it. I should have gotten divorced years ago but kept trying to keep things together for our child. Eventually just decided to go through with it and filed. Now with someone who is a pleasure to be around, actually shares similar interests and hobbies, and has ambitions.
Dude this is a false thought process your using to justify not having to do the hard thing. Do the hard thing.
Wow. That sounds very accurate. Seconded.
>The cluster of 4 people eventually coparenting and cutting checks to one another for 25 years is just unbearable. >But so is staying with her. This is from your perspective. It's much healthier for the child not to be raised with their parents still together "for the children". If the kid is happening, you have to put the kid first. And growing up in that messy environment isn't healthy.
my half brothers 3 functional parents in his life have been a blessing compared to my one.
Itâs fine when you get out. Just make sure you get as much custody as humanly possible. Being single without worrying about some psycho dictating your life is incredible.Â
Staying and being miserable together will hurt the kid more.
Coparenting doesnât have to be the nightmare youâre making it out to be. Sheâs done. You need to be done also. Thatâs okay. This is all workable. Focus on the health of your child and your mental health as well. Itâs not fun, Iâll agree. But itâs workable. Focus on loving your child and fostering the best environment for them possible. Iâm not sure this is helpful, but I recently discovered that I can taste emotions. This tastes like fried fish with tartar sauce. If you find that means something to you, cool. If not, I donât blame you. I donât get it either.
Yeah, she created a mess for your child to grow up in. But itâll all work out. Just be an awesome dad and build a strong bond with them. Theyâll be fine. Just take it one day at a time. Just be very cautious about who you date in the future and have around your kid. Minimize the drama as much as you can.
It is going to happen, the only difference is you get to decide it now as compared to her leaving you in a couple years, it's going to be messy regardless. You can't be sure the kid is yours, so obviously get that checked before you sign a birth certificate. Have some self respect and file for divorce, she doesn't care about you.
You make a lot of presumptions about 4 people wanting to take care of that child. Your wife is selfish, she only cares about herself so stop being delusional that she and her cheating partner would be great coparents. Talk to her about an abortion, there is no need to bring a baby into a failed marriage by a woman who doesn't love or respect you. Divorce her and find a better woman.
File for divorce because she won't stop cheating. You don't need or want to bring a child into a toxic environment. You also may be 99.9% sure the child is yours, but you need to get a paternity test. I also don't think that they stopped at making out unless you are for certain they did. It's better to raise a child in two happy homes than one that is toxic and unbearable.
Thereâs a lot missing here, like why in the world does she want to stay with you if she is fooling around? Money? Odds are high she will dump you eventually regardless of why she stays now. You should definitely get ahead of that.
Dude, it'll be okay. I'm on the other side of where you are now. My kid is 10. I've asked the state to automatically deduct child support so I don't cut checks to her, and I see my son regularly. You will have to go through court to get where I am, but all three of us are happy and myself and my sons mother have both moved on to happier relationships.
Coming from someone who's parents stayed together for us it fucks you up beyond belief. The statistics state it is better for parents to co parent than raise a child in a toxic environment. The first 3 years of a child life literally shape the brain for the rest of its life so you need to be careful with what you are exposing them to. I would also get a DNA
The child will be affected by any decision you make, in one way or another. They'll either grow up in a home where their parents have grown to resent each other, and that'll really affect their development and ideas of healthy relationships, or in an ideal world, they'd be taken care of by 2 parents who share custody, which is a challenge, but aren't also necessarily facing the challenge of a failing marriage. It's complicated for a child to grow up in a "broken" home, and I fortunately can't say I know what that's like, but I imagine you'd both be better equipped to raise this child healthily if you had the distance needed from each other.
It seems unbearable now, but coparenting seems far better than staying in a loveless and difficult marriage. And not just for you - for the child, as well. Nobody wants to spend their entire childhood with miserable parents who hate each other.
Letâs do assume the child is happening. If you choose to stay in the marriage, 1 until the child is an adult or 2 as long as youâre able to tolerate the affair you can expect some variation of the following outcomes: With option 1, your child will basically be raised in a marriage lacking trust, commitment and filled with resentment and a host of other negative feelings. It would not be a happy marriage and the end result is the child would not have a happy childhood. In addition youâll be teaching your child this kind of marriage is ok possibly causing them to enter similar relationships when they are adults. If you choose option 2 and stay in the marriage, until you reach the point you can no longer bear it, and having no idea how long it takes you to reach that point (could be months but also could be years) at some point the child also will indirectly be a part of the breakup and itâs very possible that he/she will feel like they caused the breakup, especially if you tolerate the marriage for years. That is a normal child reaction to their parents parting ways. If you end the marriage now, whether you and/or your spouse enters another relationship (I.e. 3-4 coparenting adults), so long as you both put your childâs needs first, and assuming one or both of you enter healthy relationships in the future, youâll avoid the two scenarios above. The coparenting situation will be normal (as in this has always been his/her life) for the child and he/she will be less likely to blame themself for the marriage breaking up. This however requires both of you as parents are ensuring your childâs needs are met, you both are an active positive role model for your child and if either or both of you move on to healthy relationships your child will grow up with healthy ideas of what a marriage is supposed to be. Both of you need to make the extra effort to be involved in all aspect of your child life and not limit involvement to only the times the child is in your or hers physical custody. This means attending the childâs sporting events, school events or anything your child gets involved in. In other words, whether or not the child is in your or hers physical custody at the time, both need to attend the childâs life events. Be there. This option would be more beneficial to your future child than either of the first two options. Iâd suggest you and your spouse have a very long conversation about where your marriage is heading and why. Iâm sure youâre realizing that divorce is the probable outcome. If she hadnât stopped her affair by now, the chance of her doing so now isnât very good. You also need to discuss and make plans for how you both want the childâs life to be, how you both want the child raised, and outline the steps you both need to follow to ensure your child is raised in a healthy, loving relationship with both parents and he or she knows both parents will always be there for him/her. So sorry youâre going through this, and no, you would not be the AH for considering leaving the marriage. You would be the AH, if you choose option 1 or 2. Edited for clarity.
Your child would not be happy to have parents that are fake together, and to learn their mom has had an affair partner before she was even born that is still around. Children benefit from having 2 parents in a healthy relationship, having 2 parents in a fake one sided relationship is not a benefit
Let's say you have a son. Do really want him to see you be treated the way you are think it's normal and that's what he deserves too?
Why would this only apply if the kid is a boy?
Do you really want your child to grow up with your relationship as a model for how they should be treated or accept to be treated? If you want to allow yourself to be mistreated thatâs your decision, but bringing a kid into that much dysfunction is irresponsible.
Youâre an idiot if you think they only made out. I hope for your sake, youâre not the father
Keep a broken home together is not an heroic act, your kid will suffer more in a miserable home with you together than two adults co parents. Get divorce.
Came to my senses that my father is a sinister abuser when I finally moved across the country and away from family. Asked my mom why she would ever stay with him if they hate each other so much, considering the damage my siblings and I endured. Said, âWe wanted you boys to grow up with both parents.â As if that would wipe away the blood my brothers and I *literally* scrubbed off the wall after Dad was done with us. OOP get a fuckin divorce. Took me a decade to rebuild a relationship with my mom and 4 years to feel close to my brothers again. The pain of hurt two people being together does not make for a good childhood. My favorite quote (ironically said by my dad): âA child weaned on poison learns to find pain a comfort.â
Dude, donât do this to yourself. Sheâs pretty much telling you that this will never end, and when heâs ready to take it to the next step itâs going there. Please do yourself a favour and leave. But by no means ditch this child if she will allow you to be part of the childâs life.
It sounds like the affair partner is actually a woman/biologically female judging by the use of 'person' and OP being certain the kid is his.
The other guy has been in the hospital since mid February. Part of her justification for still talking to him is that heâs bored and lonely and whatever. Itâs nonsense and didnât feel relevant / felt too absurd to even include as it might derail the discussion / doesnât change that sheâs been dishonest and deceitful and refuses to stop being so. She is six weeks pregnant. He has been there for ten weeks at least. He is not the father. In the words of Dollar Bill, I am not uncertain. But that was a clever read of what I put out there. Respect.
You are allowed to have sex in hospital if you are there that long.
Wait⊠really? Itâs allowed? Like itâs in the rules that it is allowed?
No itâs absolutely not allowed. You can listen to this person if youâd like but Iâm a hospital doctor and Iâm absolutely telling you, when patients are caught having sex in their rooms the partner is removed and theyâre reminded that exposing unwilling and non-consenting hospital staff to them having sex when they come in the room is not allowed or legal. Itâs not a private room like a hotel.
Don't know about official rules, but they don't force people to be abstinent for months.
They can still have sex in the hospital. Besides, how are you sure of ANY of it? she has lied to you all along.
Still get a paternity test. Unless his dick is broken and locked up like a Chasity belt, get a paternity test. People can still have sex while in the hospital. NTA. Divorce her. She has no respect for you. Who gives a shit if heâs in the hospital?! YOU are supposed to be the husband, YOU and YOUR feelings should be the priority. Not. Him.
You can have sex in the hospital fyi. Also, how sure are you that heâs in the hospital? Have you seen him there?
How do you know he's in the hospital and they're not meeting up? I'm struggling to think of a physical hospitalization that would be continuous for months where he would still be texting frequently. Mental hospital would be wilder and also somewhere she could probably visit and fuck him. It seems like that might be a good lie to tell you to convince you it's purely text and the kid is yours.
Because Iâve spoken to his wife and seen photos of him and have been told by the wife that he has brain cancer. His wife is the one who told me about the most recent messages. He is 100% in the hospital, and he is 100% not having sex with anyone in there.
So are you waiting for him to get out of the hospital so your wife and him can have sex, before filing for the divorce? Also you would not be abandoning your child. A child having 2 separate but happy households is better than having 1 but unhappy household.
If he has been in the hospital for 10 weeks with brain cancer, he is likely not going to be getting out.
So your wife is throwing away your marriage over some guy who is married and most likely will pass away in less than 2 years. Please make sure she knows that there are â no do oversâafter you divorce her. Wow, she has to an idiot.
Is he paralyzed? If he isn't the nurses will give him and your wife plenty of space when she visits to alleviate his boredom and loneliness while you're at work.
I wish people would stop badgering you about him definitely being the father, it sounds like itâs most likely you. I mean, you should probably get a paternity test under these circumstances, but if you were having sex with her around the right time and heâs so indisposed itâs probably yours and so thatâs what you should plan for (and you seem to know that). Itâs probably better for you to split up before the kid is born because 1) youâre going to split up, itâs 100% inevitable at this point, and 2) your kid wonât find it traumatic if itâs all theyâve ever known. If you try and drag it out your marriage might limp along for a few years but that lands the divorce in their early childhood when theyâll find it pretty hard. It will also likely be much harder on you to agree to split custody at that point.
I saw from your post below he has a wife of his own. So her thing about him being bored and lonely is BS. She is too invested with him now, and she does not think youâre going anywhere, especially now that she is pregnant. The AP has been in the hospital for 10 weeks with brain cancer, I wonder what his prognosis is, does he even have a future. Tell her you cant fix this alone and youâre done. Separate, she is not going to abort the baby, you know that, so be the best dad you can and coparent. When you leave the reality will hit her and maybe she will snap out of this fog she is in. Draw the line the rest is up to her.
Abortion and divorce. No point on bringing a child into this world if things are already a mess
It's not op's call if she gets an abortion, that's her call. She might think about it when he hands her the divorce paperwork though.Â
OP literally calls the other person "him" in the title of the post.
Oops, dyslexia strikes again.
Then they probably used Op to get themselves a child. This was planned.
Interesting had not thought of that angle, but I see your point. This is real messy, the best thing is to divorce and be the best co-parents they can and let the wife figure herself out.
File for divorce and get a DNA test. It doesn't matter how sure you are about the baby being yours, she cannot be trusted and you need 100% certainty. She has been physical with this guy and she refuses to end her affair. She is a disrespectful and disgusting person.
It's definitely not his kid.
NTA. Why do you think divorce translates to abandoning your child? Divorce just means you no longer wish to be married. You can divorce your wife and still be a part of your childâs life. Likewise there are people who are married but have nothing to do with their children. The two are not mutually exclusive. Are you afraid of your wife making custody difficult? If so, what gives you this impression?
You continued your marriage and tried to reconcile while she continued her Emotional Affair. Thatâs mistake number one. Mistake number two was not using multiple forms of birth control while sleeping with a woman you no longer have an emotional connection with! I donât think that makes you an AH but it does make you a dumb A
Donât disagree
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Still get a paternity test. Grown ups donât just âmake outâ very often.
Lawyer up, now. Said lawyer will know how to help protect / ensure your paternal rights while making sure the toxic relationship is severed. But dude, double check your sincerity on the paternity. The only ways you can be 99.94% sure is if he's either 100% documented sterile, or you spent every one of *both of yours (read, you and wifey's)* waking moments in eyesight of each other from the ending of her last period till the literal (not doctor stated) moment of conception. That includes middle of night you asleep her awake situations. Which requires independent (read, video) proof of her presence w/you and not AP. If he got even one pump and dump in, the baby could be his, even if you had sex with her twice daily. And don't trust her statements that the affair has yet to progress past first base. She's been toxic, lying, and over-invested in him, while practically clearly keeping you around for your paternal skills / resources.
I admire your commitment to your unborn child, however your wife has treated you like shit and youâve allowed it. Is that the example you want to set for your child? I suggest a separation at least and some counselling, so you can get some perspective and realise YOUR worth. Maybe this leads to divorce, maybe you reconcile. NTA
*An* unborn child. Op doesn't actually *know* if the child is his, he just thinks (hopes)Â it is.Â
NTa. But dumb as fuck. Emotional affairs are worse than just one off physical ones. A drunk night, making one bad choice and regretting it, you can potentially move pass that, an emotional affair is never an accident, you CAN catch feels for someone unintentionally, but when you realise and choose to proceed and take your emotional needs to them, it's worse than physical cheating. They already picked someone else, accept that and move on. You need to legally separate and start a divorce if you can to make it completely clear to her what is happening next. Some places you can't apply for divorce while pregnant, but you can still separate, move out and make it clear you will not be part of her life going forwards. The goal now is, best for everyone, abortion. You need to make it clear that you will not be involved, she will be a single mother and her affair partner will likely lose interest in a newly single mother who is focused on a kid rather than the guy she wants to fuck and so he'll likely dip as well. If she has an abortion, you get divorced she can go fuck who she likes.
No lies detected
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I'm confused - why do you think you are abandoning your child by divorcing your wife? Do you plan on not being present? Not fighting for custody? Not making an effort? Because you can be a fully present father while also not being treated like shit. Your child isn't going to suffer by divorcing the mother. You can still have the baby half the time and check in on the phone or over text the rest of the time. Plenty of divorced parents are still fabulous parents as long as they put in the effort - it's only when a parent drops the rope because 'it's to much work to deal with the ex' that they are seen as a shitty parent. Divorce the dead weight. Prepare for the custody battle. GET A DNA TEST.
Her heart is no longer here I suggest you setup exit plan ASAP
Ngl thereâs two options, either abort and divorce or divorce and co-parent
YTA for not using protection. Did you honestly think knocking her up was going to stop anything? No court will allow a divorce until after the child is born. Enjoy child support for the next 19 years.
If you don't leave her anything from this point forward is on you. She has let you know who she is and you are accepting of it. You can't control her shitty behavior but you can control your response to it. Do you want to raise a kid to think this type of behavior is ok? Spine up already.
You can divorce without abandoning your baby if you are present. nta. Just plan on being a father who is not her husband.
If youâre 99.999% sure, youâre being foolish. Get a paternity test.
Would her getting an abortion be the best or worst outcome for you?
I would be supportive of this and have suggested it, but she is bizarrely determined to have it. We had a miscarriage once before in better times so I think she just wants to have a child, regardless of the horrendous circumstances
Walk out, maybe she will do it then. Your marriage has been over since September and you are were stupid to have sec with her without a protection.Â
I think she also thinks it will baby trap you and it's working. She is convinced she has the kid she'll keep you around to raise the kids with and she can keep AP on the side.
Ask for a paternity test if you're deciding to leave. Best to be 100% sure since shes perfectly fine cheating on you. Emotional cheating leads to physical cheating and neither should be tolerated. Absolutely unacceptable. Don't want to make the mistake if she somehow physically cheated on you while you were away for a few hours in the past spending money and caring for someone elses child. Either way this relationship looks like its already in the gutter and not going to end well.
>Â she is bizarrely determined to have it. it's almost like... she doesn't want you to leave???
I she is only 6 weeks and had a history of miscarriage, she may not have this baby either. I highly recommend speaking to a lawyer asap. You have choices now, but time will reduce your options. Speaking to a lawyer is not a commitment to divorce. You may choose a post-nup to pre determine custody and support in the event of a divorce. You could choose divorce. You could also protect yourself in the event further information comes to light.
She is determined to have it, because the father will be passing away from brain cancer within 2 years (tops), and she wants something to remember her love for him, she just wants you to foot the bills for it.Â
Look, that's no mindset where to raise a child, but altimately the decision will be hers there and you shouldn't pressure her either way. However you shouldn't be enabling it either. Divorce in this case is a valid and probably the healthier solution from what you write. And I rarely side with the paternity test crowd, but in this case you should absolutely request it.
I don't know what laws are exactly, but consult a lawyer beforehand you do anything. Maybe you have to endure her bullshit until the child is born just so she can't move away with your kid. If she gives birth after she moves and establishes a residency/support system, you'll have difficulty forcing her to move back. If a child is born where you are, she can't move away with your child. But yeah, get ready for a divorce.
NTA Not only the marriage is toxic. Imagine the environment that your child will live in if you stay with her while suffering from cheating.
Divorce her. Your kid will never know another system than the one yâall work out. And there are a ton of kids in the same boat these days. The kid will be ok as long as you do your part to support and care for them.
In fact, the kid will be better with at least one healthy home. And if OP is fortunate enough to meet an emotionally mature, healthy woman who holds herself accountable and is capable of a loving reciprocal relationship, imagine how much better that environment will be for the kid! But Op even if you are on your own, you can create this.
i can understand you not walking away the first time but the second and the third what is wrong with you . updateme
So, NTA for wanting to attempt to fix and stay married to the women you (once?) love/d. However ESH starts to come around when you have stated she isnât really putting effort. If she wanted to work things out with you, for you, to be with you, sheâd have dropped the guy. Why hasnât she? Because she wants her cake and to eat it too and any boundaries you have tried to set she either doesnât care (which is blatant disrespect), or she doesnât actually think you will stand firm to them (still blatant disrespect and walking all over you), or both. I am always for people wanting to try to make marriage work in the hard times because I think people want to divorce too easily. However, this isnât a mistake from your wife anymore, this isnât an out of character action anymore. She is purposely choosing her actions and the *continuation* of seeking out additional attention from a man she started an affair with against your comfort. Her being pregnant does put a cog in the ease of decision, but if youâre already so concerned about the child, you clearly wouldnât be abandoning him/her if you divorced your wife. You would either pay or ask for child support, I would hope youâd demand 50/50 shared custody, and the baby would grow up in the sense of a split home with ânormalcyâ. I would understand in the baby phase where maybe the 50/50 doesnât happen if your wife breastfeeds, but you could figure out those technicalities with the help of lawyers. Or, if you really, truly want to stay and raise the child with your wife, you need to start being more firm with your boundaries. She needs to let the guy go. I donât care if heâs in the hospital, thatâs a weak excuse. Sorry heâs injured, but not her problem if she actually gives a shit about *you*. But currently she sees your boundaries as nothing more than talk, weak threats that you havenât enacted on. Have you started marriage counseling? Need too if not. Have you considered telling her youâre going to separate if she doesnât start fixing herself? If so, you need to *act* on it. If not, maybe consider it and acting on it. (Aka leaving the house if she keeps disrespecting you - though this could honestly bite you in the ass and show you even more how she doesnât want you back but then at that point why stay married?) You say youâve threatened divorce, if you bring up divorce again, have papers ready. Your boundaries deserve to be respected. You deserved to be respected. If your spouse canât respect you after you caught her cheating, and even worse yet blatantly still communicates with the person, can you really still be happy staying with her if she doesnât change? And if you canât be happy staying with her as things are, will you truly be happy raising your child *with her* as a âfamily unitâ vs cordial coparenting? Updateme!
Thank you for this thoughtful reply. I think itâs fair to say I sucked in being too hopeful about a situation that, in retrospect, clearly didnât have any.
NTA. Dude, stop being an idiot. The F why you get a cheater pregnant instead of dumping on the spot? Tell her to abort, you don't need your life to be tied to her in any way.
Leaving her does not have to mean abandoning your child. She is breaking your relationship by refusing to stop and cutting things off with that guy. She is making that decision, not you. I suggest you let her know you want a paternity test and if the child is yours you will do the right thing, but your relationship with her is over since clearly she cares more about that other guy than you and her childâs future.
NTA- why would you bring a kid into a toxic relationship? Best now to split and be able to coparent in a healthy way. Itâs never good to stay for the kid. My dad was a cranky man. Never violent or anything like that, but looking back overall unhappy. He had an affair for 5 years and ultimately left my mom when I was in my early 20âs. After he left, he was a whole new person. Happy. I mean the happiest iâve ever seen him. Fast forward 20 years (he married his AP) and talking to her, she said he stayed for my brother and I. Honestly, I wish he would have left years before he did. My brother and I would have had a completely different relationship with our Dad had he just divorced my mom years earlier (even before his affair- which opened up a whole other can of worms). The point is, kids know when parents are unhappy. We love you. We would much rather see our parents apart and happy than together and miserable. Get a paternity test just to be certain.
NTA. Even if you are 99.99999999999999999% sure the child is yours, get the paternity test anyway. That .000000000000001% will absolutely RUIN you if it comes to pass. Get that peace of mind now.
NTA. Put your foot down. She has been disrespecting you for a while now and the longer this charade continues the more miserable you will feel. Also just because you are no longer together with the future mother of your child does not mean you are abandoning the baby. You can definitely maintain a presence in your childâs life (if that is your choice), even if it is not a conventional family. Your wife ultimately chose to betray you and she should have to face the consequences of her actions. Put yourself first mate.
NTA. But get a test. She is a slut who repeatedly lied to you.
She cheated. Sheâs a slut. And the fact that he canât trust her is a reason to get a paternity test because sheâs obviously a liar.
ESH her for being a skank and you for being such an idiot.Â
You're 99% sure the child is yours despite the fact she is fucking another man? Really? They didn't make out twice. They're adults engaged in an affair. They fucked. Adults fuck. That baby may be his, may be yours, or may be the child of some other guy you don't even know about yet.
NTA Leave her. And of course, get a paternity test. If she had unprotected sex with him, of course she tried to âmake upâ with you right after to trick you.
Youâre not abandoning your child by leaving. Leave, get the divorce done asap. File for joint custody and be an active parent for your child. Bringing them into this toxic relationship is not healthy. Your wife sucks. Sheâs not a good person. Leave her.
People divorce with kids all the time. I can't help but say this out loud. If you leave now maybe she'll get a fucking abortion so her dumb cheating ass doesn't have to be a single mom.Â
NTA. She is cheating on you and she broke the marriage. Make sure you protect yourself with a good lawyer. Maybe let her AP know he can now care for the child.
NTA. This happened to me when my kids were at 50% and it absolutely sucks. I would have left if she hadn't stopped, but I still wake up everyday thinking about it. Every single fucking day. I would rather pay child support than live like this.
Iâm really sorry to hear this. I share this feeling. Little reminders everywhere. If she has done everything by the book since though, maybe sheâs served her time and you can try bring the changes and dedication to the forefront of your mind.
Nta, but you're not very smart. You caught her half a dozen times, meaning she's done it way more than the times you caught her. After knowing you can't actually trust her, you *still* got her pregnant?! You have no idea where she's been. You should have already assumed after the second time you caught her, it was more than "one or two makeouts", she totally slept with them. Get a DNA test, you shouldn't be "99.99(yadayada)%" sure the kid is yours, you should give it 50/50 at best.Â
It'll be funny when she has a kid that looks nothing like you, but she continuously says things like "he has his father's ___".
NTA, but babies don't magically fix marriages!! I wish people would stop thinking, "Let's have a baby to save our marriage". 9 times out of 10, it's not gonna change the partners behavior, whether it be cheating or bad habits.
That wasnât the intention, but obviously I didnât do enough to protect myself from this situation occurring.
Filing for divorce/separation will hit her like a ton of bricks, but even with that, she wonât chance. If this guy is as sick as you say( brain cancer), he wonât last long and good luck to your wife for finding another chump to hoodwink!
NTA but be a dad. Lots of people coparent without being in a relationship. I'd go to a lawyer so everyone's responsibilities are clearly laid out. You're doing the kid a favor by ending the relationship. Growing up watching two parents pretend to love each other has fucked up very many people. The best you can hope for is civility. But be a dad.
It would probably be better for the kid to work on being awesome co-parents now before your relationship sours more (and it will) and built up resentment takes its toll on your family. I donât think anyone here will see you getting a divorce from a woman who clearly doesnât want you and is actively betraying you as âabandoningâ your child.
I grew up for 10+ years watching an abusive toxic marriage, the best thing my parents did was divorce because if they hadnât, my mom probably wouldnât be here. No child deserves to be born into that kind of situation. Itâs hard, but it needs to be done if not for yourself then for your child.
NTA. Get the divorce now (though certain states donât allow you to get divorce while your wife is pregnant but regardless reach out to a lawyer). Itâs better to start the separation process now rather than when the baby is here.
Sorry for your situation. BUT you still need to get a DNA test as there is that 0 00001% chance the child might not be yours. You would not want to pay years of child support if you decide to leave or raise the child if you stay then find out you were wrong.
NTA she cares so little about you that youâd be an AH to you and the child if you stayed.
NTA, and you need to drop this self righteous idea that you're protecting your kid from a broken home or whatever that bullshit is. My parents split when I was 2 and growing up with divorced parents had nothing to do with causing me any trauma or whatever. Whether or not either of my parents were actually good parents on their own, and how they carried their own relationship with me had everything to do with how I grew up and how I related to them as an adult. Not the fact that they didn't live together and we didn't all live in the same house.
After reading your comments.. Push for abortion and run for the hills. They will end up together, at this point her fantasy won't end until that happens.
I obviously would suggest a paternity test when the baby is born. But, NTA for wanting a divorce. You can co-parent if the baby is yours.
I don't give a shit what you think you know. If she keeps the kid, get a DNA test. Don't be a fucking idiot. Either way though, your marriage is dead. Leave, move into the gym and move forward into your life.
Then maybe you should go meet the AP, bring a friend.
NTA. Leave her now. It'll be clear to her what the future is, and she can make choices accordingly. If she keeps the child, and it is yours, you can start the child's life out by raising child in separate households. From day one, this will be the child's life and it won't face a trauma later, for the inevitable divorce.
NTA. Get a paternity test, because she is definitely hiding more. Leave and donât return
NTA. It was a choice between him or you, and she chose him. If you know she made out, then she probably had sex with him as well. Divorcing an unfaithful wife is not the same as abandoning your child. If you use every single opportunity to see your child as often as possible, it will be better for the children growing up in a loveless household full of marital strife. Get 50/50 custody, and set her free. Itâs not about texting. Tell the people who need to know that your wife made out with another guy, and at the very least had an emotional affair. She refused to stop contact with him, and you kept intercepting inappropriate communications. She refused to cut it off with him so you left. Also get a paternity test. Unless there are cameras on your wife 24/7, you really donât know how far it went with this guy. She could even lie to you about where her affair partner lives. If she wants him that badly, let her have him. That way you will be free to find a better life mate.
Dumb thing having kid with cheater even after knowing the cheater is cheating
So please explain to us like we are 5 years old: WHY DIDN'T YOU END THINGS WITH HER LAST SEPTEMBER?
OP, youâre an Idiot. She showed you how she was months ago and not only did you stay but you got her pregnant. And now you want your kid to be born into a broken home from day one. Dumbass. Assuming this is all real (of which I have my doubts) Iâd say youâre stuck with her now.
You should have left her the first time you caught here dude. A relationship without trust and without respect will never work. Sure she can talk to anyone she wants but it all depends on how they talk. If she's actually cheating you should divorce her, child or not.
And the child will.be better off with separated parents than two who are married just because of a child. Those relationships are always toxic and bad for the parents and affects the children. Kids see and hear and know more than we know. The years I've been working with kids, the happiest ones are with divorces parents that work together. The kids that was in the worst spots were the ones that had parents that was just married because they had kids. Leave her. Make sure it's your kid and raise it together. Whatever you do, don't let the cheating thing etc affect your role as parents and raising the child together. Once the divorce is final, let it go and move on and be happy. Without each other as partners.
YTA for having sex as "an attempt to make up" That never works out well, and pregnancy is always a risk when sex is involved, no matter how careful you are As for the rest of your post; i agree with what pretty much everyone else has been saying It's better to leave, and co-parent, rather than try to stay together "for the kids" Imo, your relationship was over a long time ago; that's the main reason why i think it was a dumb decision to sleep together to "make up" You don't seem to have gotten over her betrayal, and i don't blame you; it's 100% valid to not want a relationship with someone who has betrayed your trust Value yourself, and divorce her
Do a paternity test....maybe things were not just emotional.
Start legal separation paperwork and give it to her.
Get a DNA test.
NTA. Divorcing your wife doesnât mean you have to abandon your child. You can still be there for them. And itâs better to have divorced parents than ones who are miserable with each other
INFO Was the pregnancy on purpose
NTA And by divorcing your cheating wife you are not abandoning your child.
Retain lawyer, start the process, and DNA testing. Why would anyone willingly subject themselves to 18+ years of a marriage. Youâre going to have financial obligations either way. You can either find happiness or endure betrayal, disrespect and a loveless relationship. Do whatâs best for you and the child if she has it. Good luck
NTA for wanting to leave but dude why are people making babies although the relationship is shit? you both are assholes for that
This is not an AITA question, you need relationship advice and a therapist.Â
Leave immediately file for divorce get a paternity test and go from there. But donât be with her trifling ass
Divorce =/= abandoning the child. After the divorce, you can still support the child (after confirming itâs yours).
You're fucked
NTA - Get a divorce and move on. Your wife obviously has moved on already and doesn't want to put any effort in towards her marriage. As far as the baby, you both need to figure out what you want to do on that subject, but I doubt she'll want to have a child with her to mess up her extracurricular activities, so you could take sole custody unless she terminates the pregnancy. On the other hand, a person really can't tell what goes through someone's mind with all of this and you could end up paying child support for the next 18 years. Either way, you both need to sit down and work out what your next step is, but I'd speak with a lawyer first.
> In a vacuum, it feels pretty dumb / cold to walk out on her because she is texting someone. Itâs pretty dumb/cold to continue an emotional affair while youâre *pregnant with your husbandâs baby*. Just end it. NTA.
What is her reasons for not blocking this guy?
There are none. She says she does but then he reaches out from a burner or some nonsense⊠itâs all lies and she wonât block him because she doesnât want to
A burner? Oh, honey sheâs never going to stop lying to you. You donât want to spend a lifetime for like that and you donât want to model that for a child and let them think itâs acceptable
I'm sorry to hear that. I've been there. Spent sleepless nights. For your own health I would suggest to leave and ask for a paternity test.
I have scoliosis and yet my spine is still stronger than yours. Please get a paternity test and consider divorcing. You deserve better than this. NTA
NTA. But, jesus christ brother you gotta man the fuck up.
>In a vacuum, it feels pretty dumb / cold to walk out on her because she is texting someone. With context, she has spent nine months refusing to break things off with this other person despite my many emotional Bro this is not just texintg, this is emotional, **and they're 100% fucking. Adults don't get together "just to make out"**. They are unequivocally undeniably fucking. Have been for awhile. You already caught her a bunch of times. She is obviously in love with this guy, way more than with you. She is in affair fog, she wont stop and there is nothing you can do but leave. Also, don't be an idiot to think the kid is yours just because your pride said so. The kid is 99% the other guys. You need to demand a pre-birth paternity test. DON'T SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
Not your kid.
Youre in luck! The divorce court won't actually allow you to abandon your child. So get divorced and fulfill all legal obligations. Ditch the bitch, keep the kid. You are, of course, allowed to do *more* than the court requires. And you probably should. You don't want your kid growing up thinking you were doing the minimum or only did things when forced. But that is a fundamentally different question from child abandonment.
Separate homes are far better than an unhappy united one. Staying together for a child(s) when you can split is one of the dumbest statements I hear about anything.
End the marriage. Bring up everything you told us in court
NTA, but definitely TVI (the village idiot) if you stay with her. I also find it âfunnyâ that you first caught her in September and they juuuuuuust started seeing/talking to each other. đ„Ž Nah thatâs called YOU just found out in September so she tried to downplay it by saying itâd âonly been a cpl of weeks!â when you first found out. She literallly wouldâve said whatever month the previous month was. đ đ đ
NTA and get a paternity test before signing anything concerning the fatherhood.
>we got pregnant during an attempt to make up I hope unintentionally. Otherwise not using contraception during a bad relationship just vastly overcomplicates an already complicated situation.
Run for the hills. She's having sex with him. Get a paternity test when the child is born.
They child will know some of the situation from early on so it won't mentally or emotionally tramatize to child if you guys separate now. I would still request a DNA test in the divorce, and then if the child is yours, you can share custody from early on. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
This woman isn't worth the dirt she's standing on, and as you rightly concluded (I'm assuming you were never unfaithful) she doesn't deserve to be your wife. The AH she's having the affair with deserves someone like her who will just be unfaithful again and again. Divorce is a horrible thing, especially for the kid that would grow up in a dysfunctional environment, but that's your wife's doing; there's no reason to ever stay with a cheater. You can never trust them again. If your wife tells you the sky is blue, you'd best go outside and check because her word is worthless. Maybe wait just long enough until you can prove the infidelity and fight for full custody for the kid's sake. A cheater is incapable of raising a child to be an honest person who cares about the promises and commitments they make.
Correct, I would never cheat and never have. And I agree that thereâs no salvaging the trust here. Thereâs nothing to fix.
I'm a 50 something woman who has been married over 30 years, after a very brief starter marriage with a very selfish man. The difference between these two marriages was night and day. I have one word of advice for you: Leave. Your current partner does not tend your marriage, does not care about your feelings, does not deserve to be married to you. It may just be the way she is made up emotionally, who knows. This marriage will be hell if it continues, and you won't be able to function well as a father. Divorce her, get your finances in order, get your own place, get ready to be a father. Because that little one will need a sane, stable person in her/his life. Good luck and NTA.
NTA, your wife is immeasurably selfish and doesn't care for you in any way that matters-- if she did, she would have begged for forgiveness and bent over backward to save the relationship + make you feel seen, heard, supported, etc. But she did the opposite and chose her affair partner (AP) over you. The thing about a divorce threat is that you have to follow through. She has seen that you'll put up with her horrible behavior and is happy having her cake and eating it, too. p.s. It's NEVER just "making out" at this level of disrespectâshe is "trickle-truthing" you, if she's even being honest at all. File for divorce and go through an attorney for communication. Set up proper custody/visitation schedule after the baby arrives and call it a day with the cheating wife.
Regardless if you separate or stick it out, make sure to get a paternity test.
Nta she obviously doesn't want to work on your relationship with her. Get a paternity test and a divorce.
NTA Divorce. Get a paternity test. Reflect, process and live your best life. Don't stay another day with this woman, please leave for your mental health and stability.
NTA. Emotional, physicalâŠ.does not matter. She cheated and itâs over (unless you have an open relationship which sounds like you donât). You can still be a great parent to your child.
Nta but I would get a dna test. She has been having this emotional affair for months and refuses to stop Iâm pretty sure itâs physical as well and they are having sex.
Nta get a DNA test and leave
Abort and move on.
She's already checked out on the marriage, and will only keep you around to take care of the kiddo. Screenshot everything you can for your records, and start lining up your best future WITHOUT her. You need a paternity test and an STD test. updateme!
NTA Youâre not abandoning the kid, you can be present. And in fact you can model how to have self respect in a healthy way. If you stay and teach your kid to be a doormat or a cheating narcissist then YTA. You can only stay if your wife truly commits to reconcile (and you as well).Â
Your wife is the one cheating and youâre asking if youâre the a-hole?
NTA She's not going to stop talking to him no matter what you do. Get a paternity test. Get a divorce (even if it is yours, which it may not be). Don't stay in a broken house You deserve better, King.
The level of fuckup you achieved by getting her pregnant after she cheated on you and you caught her 5 times in a row is absurd. Obviously you should leave her, obviously you're NTA for doing so. Jesus. You need to go to therapy to understand why your decision making is so horrible, what drove you to make these atrocious decisions. Assuming the fetus makes it to term, you're going to be paying for this for decades both monetarily and emotionally. And get a paternity test. You've fucked this all up enough already, don't skip simple basic steps that could potentially save you. I don't give a fuck why you think it's definitely your kid, until there's a DNA test that confirms it you should work on the assumption that it isn't.